Effective Communication Effective Communication Speaking Up AssertivelySpeaking Up Assertively

Linda D Tillman, PhDLinda D Tillman, PhDwww.SpeakUpForYourself.com

This presentation is the property of Linda TillmanThis presentation is the property of Linda Tillman©Linda Tillman, 2007, All rights reserved©Linda Tillman, 2007, All rights reserved

Effective CommunicationEffective Communication

1.1. RespectfulRespectful2.2. Fact-basedFact-based3.3. Well-thought outWell-thought out4.4. Assertive, not aggressiveAssertive, not aggressive5.5. GenuineGenuine

SpeakupforyourselfSpeakupforyourself Assertiveness is a philosophy of respect – it is Assertiveness is a philosophy of respect – it is

not a formula for speakingnot a formula for speaking Expressing oneself assertively occurs:Expressing oneself assertively occurs:

NonverballyNonverbally VerballyVerbally InteractivelyInteractively

Nonverbal Aspects:Nonverbal Aspects:Areas on which to focusAreas on which to focus

Eye Contact Eye Contact Voice ToneVoice Tone PosturePosture Personal SpacePersonal Space Facial expressionFacial expression Use of GestureUse of Gesture

Eye ContactEye Contact The nonassertive person uses very little eye The nonassertive person uses very little eye

contactcontact The aggressive person never drops eye contactThe aggressive person never drops eye contact The assertive person uses direct eye contact The assertive person uses direct eye contact

about 50 % of the timeabout 50 % of the time

Voice ToneVoice Tone Nonassertive: Too soft, hard to hearNonassertive: Too soft, hard to hear Aggressive: Aggressive: Too loudToo loud Assertive: Assertive: Well-modulated tone of Well-modulated tone of

voicevoice Caution:Caution: Letting your voice rise at the end Letting your voice rise at the end

of a sentence interjects a note of uncertainty of a sentence interjects a note of uncertainty and implies that you are asking the other and implies that you are asking the other person, rather than telling him/herperson, rather than telling him/her

PosturePosture Nonassertive person: Folds into themselves Nonassertive person: Folds into themselves

and makes themselves small. Fidgetsand makes themselves small. Fidgets Aggressive person: Confrontive. Stands up Aggressive person: Confrontive. Stands up

and leans into the other person’s spaceand leans into the other person’s space Assertive person: Stands up straight and Assertive person: Stands up straight and

talltall

Position and SpacePosition and Space Respect means keeping on the same levelRespect means keeping on the same level Sit when other is seated, Sit when other is seated, Stand when other is standingStand when other is standing Stay about arm’s length apartStay about arm’s length apart Standing or sitting at an angle allows each Standing or sitting at an angle allows each

person to escapeperson to escape

Facial ExpressionFacial Expression Facial expression should reflect the emotion Facial expression should reflect the emotion

you are expressingyou are expressing ““I am angry” requires a serious expressionI am angry” requires a serious expression ““I am delighted” requires a happy expressionI am delighted” requires a happy expression

Gestures:Gestures: Notice these gesturesNotice these gestures

Hands on hips: aggressiveHands on hips: aggressive Nodding head “yes”Nodding head “yes” Pointing with pen in aggressive gesturePointing with pen in aggressive gesture Clenching fistClenching fist Shaking head “no”Shaking head “no”

Effective Verbal Effective Verbal CommunicationCommunication

Nonverbal is the foundation – now Nonverbal is the foundation – now let’s look at effective verbal let’s look at effective verbal

communicationcommunication

Good Assertive ListeningGood Assertive Listening Nonverbal ListeningNonverbal Listening Verbal Responsive ListeningVerbal Responsive Listening

RestatementRestatement ReflectionReflection ClarificationClarification

Good Listening results in helpful free InformationGood Listening results in helpful free Information

Note:Note: If you are thinking about what you are going to say next, you are NOT If you are thinking about what you are going to say next, you are NOT listeninglistening

Nonverbal ListeningNonverbal Listening Nod your head to indicate that you are Nod your head to indicate that you are

listeninglistening Lean in toward the other person to indicate Lean in toward the other person to indicate

that you are attending to him/herthat you are attending to him/her Make sounds like, “Oh,” or “Um-hmmm” or Make sounds like, “Oh,” or “Um-hmmm” or

“I see what you are saying,” to indicate that “I see what you are saying,” to indicate that you are paying attentionyou are paying attention

Restatement, Reflection, Restatement, Reflection, ClarificationClarification

Restatement: Restatement: Say back to the other person what you have heard him/her Say back to the other person what you have heard him/her

say to yousay to you Reflection: Reflection:

Indicate what you both saw, heard and interpreted when Indicate what you both saw, heard and interpreted when he/she spokehe/she spoke

Clarification: Clarification: Ask speaker to be more definite about a point or to clear up Ask speaker to be more definite about a point or to clear up

an assumption you are making or a conclusion you are an assumption you are making or a conclusion you are drawing.drawing.

Free InformationFree Information Listen for information that the person shares in Listen for information that the person shares in

the process of making a point.the process of making a point. Example: Example:

Speaker: When I was teaching school, I remember Speaker: When I was teaching school, I remember how hard it was to figure percentageshow hard it was to figure percentages

Free information: Speaker was a teacher; Speaker Free information: Speaker was a teacher; Speaker may have a hard time with mathmay have a hard time with math

Elements of Assertive Elements of Assertive CommunicationCommunication

Soft AssertionSoft Assertion Basic AssertionBasic Assertion Empathic AssertionEmpathic Assertion Escalating AssertionEscalating Assertion Confrontive AssertionConfrontive Assertion

Soft AssertionSoft Assertion A soft assertion is a statement that does not A soft assertion is a statement that does not

require anything of the listenerrequire anything of the listener A compliment is a soft assertion because you can A compliment is a soft assertion because you can

or cannot respond; you can throw the compliment or cannot respond; you can throw the compliment away (“Oh, this old thing!”) or you can say, away (“Oh, this old thing!”) or you can say, “Thank you.”“Thank you.”

A shirt that has a message on it such as “Save the A shirt that has a message on it such as “Save the Whales” is a soft assertion because you do not Whales” is a soft assertion because you do not have to respond, but you get the stand the person is have to respond, but you get the stand the person is taking when you read the shirttaking when you read the shirt

Basic AssertionBasic Assertion A Basic Assertion is a simple statement of A Basic Assertion is a simple statement of

what you want or don’t want to happenwhat you want or don’t want to happen ““I would like to go to a movie tonight.”I would like to go to a movie tonight.” ““I don’t want to have to drive carpool today.”I don’t want to have to drive carpool today.”

The Basic Assertion is strengthened by its simplicity. The Basic Assertion is strengthened by its simplicity. Too much detail or explanation complicates the Too much detail or explanation complicates the request or stand you take.request or stand you take.

Empathic AssertionEmpathic Assertion The Empathic Assertion is the most effective The Empathic Assertion is the most effective

assertive statement one can makeassertive statement one can make The empathic assertion attempts to imagine how The empathic assertion attempts to imagine how

the other person may be thinking or feeling before the other person may be thinking or feeling before you make a basic assertion:you make a basic assertion:

““I imagine you may be feeling frustrated with the lack I imagine you may be feeling frustrated with the lack of deadlines for this project, but I want us to get of deadlines for this project, but I want us to get everything right before we set an endpoint.”everything right before we set an endpoint.”

““If I were you, I’d want to avoid talking about this, but If I were you, I’d want to avoid talking about this, but I’d like to discuss how to parent our 2 year old when I’d like to discuss how to parent our 2 year old when he/she has a temper tantrum.”he/she has a temper tantrum.”

Escalating AssertionEscalating Assertion The Escalating Assertion has a consequence The Escalating Assertion has a consequence

attached to it.attached to it. ““If you come in after midnight one more time, I’ll If you come in after midnight one more time, I’ll

take away your car.”take away your car.” ““If you get this grant funded, I’ll make sure you If you get this grant funded, I’ll make sure you

get a raise in your next review.”get a raise in your next review.”

Confrontive AssertionConfrontive Assertion A Confrontive Assertion is a statement made A Confrontive Assertion is a statement made

when an agreement has been violatedwhen an agreement has been violated ““We agreed that you would take out the trash We agreed that you would take out the trash

every Tuesday in order to earn your allowance. It every Tuesday in order to earn your allowance. It is Wednesday and you didn’t take out the trash is Wednesday and you didn’t take out the trash yesterday. Consequently, I won’t be giving you yesterday. Consequently, I won’t be giving you your allowance this week.”your allowance this week.”

Taking ResponsibilityTaking Responsibility A Negative Assertion is assertively accepting a A Negative Assertion is assertively accepting a

mistake that you have made. When George mistake that you have made. When George Washington said, “I’m sorry, Dad, I chopped down Washington said, “I’m sorry, Dad, I chopped down the cherry tree,” he was making a negative assertion.the cherry tree,” he was making a negative assertion.

When it’s difficult for someone to say, “I’m sorry,” When it’s difficult for someone to say, “I’m sorry,” they sometimes avoid the negative assertion in a way they sometimes avoid the negative assertion in a way that hurts the other person:that hurts the other person:

““I’m sorry you feel that wayI’m sorry you feel that way ““I didn’t mean to hurt your feelingsI didn’t mean to hurt your feelings I’m sorry I did it, but if you hadn’t……then it never would have I’m sorry I did it, but if you hadn’t……then it never would have

happened.happened.

Good Communication is Good Communication is NOT AdversarialNOT Adversarial

Connection is the cornerstone of good Connection is the cornerstone of good communicationcommunication

Connection requires empathy with the other Connection requires empathy with the other personperson

Empathy requires imagining what it is like to Empathy requires imagining what it is like to be the other person and fashioning your be the other person and fashioning your statements with their feelings in mindstatements with their feelings in mind

Assertive NegotiationAssertive Negotiation Identify the problemIdentify the problem Listen assertivelyListen assertively Brainstorm ideasBrainstorm ideas Pick a solution to tryPick a solution to try Make a contractMake a contract Try out the solution with limitsTry out the solution with limits Examine and look for problems in the contractExamine and look for problems in the contract

Follow-up in Effective NegotiationFollow-up in Effective Negotiation

Make a contractMake a contract Plan a follow-upPlan a follow-up Discuss pluses and minuses Discuss pluses and minuses Make adjustmentsMake adjustments Plan another follow-upPlan another follow-up

The Power of Saying “No”The Power of Saying “No” Unassertive “No” is accompanied by weak Unassertive “No” is accompanied by weak

excuses and rationalizationsexcuses and rationalizations Aggressive “No” is done with contemptAggressive “No” is done with contempt Assertive “No” is simple and directAssertive “No” is simple and direct

Strategies for saying “No”Strategies for saying “No” It’s OK to ask for time to “think it over”It’s OK to ask for time to “think it over” Shake your head “No” as you say, “No”Shake your head “No” as you say, “No” It’s honorable and authentic to say “No”It’s honorable and authentic to say “No” If you say, “Yes,” when you want to say, If you say, “Yes,” when you want to say,

“No,” you’ll resent what you agreed to do“No,” you’ll resent what you agreed to do Use an empathic responseUse an empathic response Start your sentence with the word “No”Start your sentence with the word “No”

Effective CommunicationEffective Communication Notice nonverbal language in yourself and othersNotice nonverbal language in yourself and others Choose your words with thought and careChoose your words with thought and care Make assertive statements that are simple and directMake assertive statements that are simple and direct Negotiate with respect and make a follow-up planNegotiate with respect and make a follow-up plan Use your assertiveness skills to set limits, say “No,” Use your assertiveness skills to set limits, say “No,”

and to move in the direction of what you wantand to move in the direction of what you want

Linda D Tillman, PhDLinda D Tillman, PhD 1904 Monroe Dr. NE, Suite 2001904 Monroe Dr. NE, Suite 200 Atlanta, Ga 30324-4860Atlanta, Ga 30324-4860 404-873-5503 ext. 17404-873-5503 ext. 17 Explore our website: Explore our website:

www.speakupforyourself.com and learn even and learn even more about assertivenessmore about assertiveness

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