Baron Zood Ruler of the Universe filecontents 1 the disappearance 2. the walrus 3. baron zood tells...

Baron Zood Ruler of the Universe

Lily Swan

For Myles and Joe

CONTENTS 1 THE DISAPPEARANCE 2. THE WALRUS 3. BARON ZOOD TELLS A STORY 4. WINDERELLA 5. THE IRON SHOES 6. THE TRUTH PEBBLES 7. LADY ADORABLE 8. AN UNEXPECTED MEETING

7

1 THE DISAPPEARANCE

One gloomy, November morning, Joe was

sitting in front of the TV eating a jam

sandwich he had made himself, using a special

technique of dunking the bread straight into

the jar of jam, when he heard a kind of

squelching, popping noise and a small,

surprised looking creature appeared on the

sofa beside him. Except for its face and

hands, it was covered all over in soft, woolly

hair, just like a sheep. Its ears were large and

velvety and round and it had big, sticking out

front teeth. It was dressed as if for a party.

At that very same moment, Joe's sister, Eliza

(who had been sitting in the old blue armchair

holding the TV remote control) suddenly

vanished.

Joe jumped up in surprise, "Eliza?” he stared

LILY SWAN

8

wildly around the room, “Eliza, where are

you? Mum! Eliza has disappeared and there's

a..." he took another look at the thing on the

sofa and wasn’t sure what to call it, "a... rat?"

The creature moved suddenly and Joe jumped

away from it with a start. It stared at Joe with

its big, dark eyes for a few seconds and then it

spoke. "Where am I?” it asked.

Joe stared back at the creature with his mouth

open for a few minutes. He could not think

of anything to say.

"Do not be alarmed small person," said the

creature, although Joe was much bigger than

it. "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is

THE ADVENTURE OF BARON ZOOD

9

Baron Zood, formerly known as 'Baron

Zood, Ruler of the Universe.'"

"My name is Joe," said Joe, finding his voice at

last, "and you are in the living room of

number 14 Albury Street, Deptford," he

added, "in London."

"That does not sound too promising," Baron

Zood declared, rather rudely, "but it will have

to do for the time being." With that, he

jumped down from the chair and began to

scurry around the living room, looking at

things.

As the creature walked about he made a

loud, clanging noise. Joe realised that this was

because his shoes were made out of iron.

They were rusty and old and did not look at

all comfortable.

"Where is my sister?" Joe asked again. "People

don't just disappear! What have you done with

her?"

Baron Zood held up a cushion, "Is this

edible?" he asked. He took at nibble at it, but

LILY SWAN

10

then made a face. "I disagree with you," he

said. "People do disappear sometimes.

Especially when there is a fairy involved. Is

this edible?" he held up a pencil case. Joe

shook his head impatiently.

"Did you say Deptford?" asked Baron Zood.

"I believe I know of a café near here: The

Deptford Tiger. I am very hungry, we had

better go there at once. I will tell you about

the fairy on the way. Come on!"

And with that, he scurried from the room, as

fast as a mouse. Joe, who was 11 and quite

used to making decisions for himself, thought

it best to follow the Baron since he suspected

that the creature must know where his sister

had gone to. He stuck his head around the

door and shouted, “Mum, I’m going out to

the Deptford Tiger with Baron Zood. I’ll be

back in half an hour.”

“Half a what?” came his mum’s voice from

upstairs.

“Tiger!” shouted Joe and then he was off


11

before his mum could say anything more.

LILY SWAN

12

2 THE WALRUS

Joe expected that people would stare at the

Baron as the two of them walked down the

busy, London street. But no one seemed to

take any notice. Perhaps it was because the

Baron was so woolly and ran so fast, Joe

thought. People probably mistook him for a

small poodle.

"I neglected to say," Baron Zood remarked, as

Joe and he reached the café, "that this café is

owned by a tiger and hence it can be a rather

dangerous place to eat. But I am very hungry

and the cakes are awfully good, so we will risk

it."

A man was coming out of the café just then.

He looked cross.

“I wouldn’t bother going in there,” he said to

them, “the manager is an absolute walrus!”

“A walrus, eh?” said Baron Zood, sounding

puzzled. “But I was under the impression that

this café was owned by a tiger!”


13

“Tiger needed a holiday apparently, so he’s left

the walrus in charge,” said the man, glumly.

“And he’s a right muppet, if you ask me!”

“I’m confused,” Joe said.

“So am I,” agreed the Baron, “but right now

I’m so hungry I’d take buns off an elephant.

Let’s go in!”

As they entered the café, they heard a low

rumbling, harrumphing sort of noise. Joe

looked up to see that there really was a walrus

in the café. The great beast was sprawled on a

silk cushion, behind the counter, surrounded

by large blocks of ice. The temperature in the

café was extremely cold and everything,

including the floor and the chairs, was also

rather wet.

LILY SWAN

14

The walrus gave Baron Zood a hard, whiskery

stare. It bellowed angrily and slapped its tail

against the wet floor.

Baron Zood looked nervous. His voice

trembled as he said, "Two glasses of cherry

cola, three Chelsea buns and a Bakewell slice,

if you please, sir."

The walrus, who seemed to be the only

member of staff in the café, did not move

from its cushion, but growled and rumbled

again in a very dangerous way.


15

"Two glasses of cherry cola," Baron Zood

began again. This time his voice was even

squeakier, "and three Chelsea - arrrgh!"

Before the Baron could finish his sentence,

the walrus reared up. It knocked a plate of

meringues, as well as a tray of muffins, onto

the floor and began bouncing itself around

the counter and across the floor towards Joe

and Baron Zood.

"Run!" shouted Baron Zood and he and Joe

ran from the café.

Fortunately, the walrus was not particularly

speedy on land. By the time Joe and the Baron

had reached the end of the road, they had left

the walrus far behind. They both stopped to

catch their breath.

"Oh my lemon squeezy!" Baron Zood said

(Joe noticed that he sometimes got his

expressions mixed up). "That walrus seems to

have taken against me. Perhaps I accidentally

left without paying the bill the last time I was

here.”

LILY SWAN

16

"Have you been here before?" Joe asked in

surprise.

"Yes," Baron Zood said quickly, "but on that

occasion I can assure you that no one

disappeared!"

"So you admit it!" Joe cried. "It is your fault

that my sister has vanished! What have you

done with her?"

"Don't hurt me!" Baron Zood whimpered. Joe

hadn't really been about to hurt him, but he

had been standing over the Baron with a very

cross look on his face.

"It wasn't my fault!" wailed the Baron, "It was

all the fairy's fault!" He began to run again.

This time round and round in circles. As he

did so, Joe noticed something drop out of his

pocket. He picked it up. It was a small snow

globe.

“You dropped this!” Joe called to the Baron

the next time he sprinted past him.

Baron Zood stopped running long enough to

grab the snow globe from Joe. He stared at it

intently. Then he groaned and clutched at his


17

head.

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing, nothing!”

Joe took the snow globe back and had a better

look at it. The scene inside looked so detailed

and lifelike, even though the figures were so

small. In a tiny sitting room, a little girl was

stretched out on a sofa by the fireside. To her

right was a small table piled high with packets

of crisps and bowls of savoury snacks.

“Mmmm, tortilla chips,” Baron Zood

murmured, looking over Joe’s shoulder into

the globe, “with dips.”

LILY SWAN

18

To the girl’s left, was another little table, this

one with a variety of little cakes and

doughnuts and other sugary treats.

“Oh, I’m so hungry,” Baron Zood said faintly,

“so very, very hungry.”

The girl looked comfortable. It was even

possible to see a smile on her tiny face. She

was watching TV and had the remote control

in one hand and a doughnut in the other.

Something about the girl looked familiar.

Even her clothes looked familiar. The silver

jeans. The dinosaur t-shirt. Joe realised that

the girl was wearing exactly the same clothes

that his sister Eliza had been wearing that

morning, before she disappeared.

“My sister!” shouted Joe, “You’ve trapped my

little sister in a snow globe!”

“Don’t be silly!”

“I’m not being silly! Look! That’s her, inside

the globe. That’s her hair. That’s her t-shirt

with the dinosaur on it. Look, she’s moving!”


19

As they watched, the tiny girl inside the snow

globe brought the doughnut to her mouth and

took an enthusiastic bite. She pointed the

remote control at the TV as if changing

channels.

“It’s not really her,” Baron Zood said, stifling

a yawn.

“It looks exactly like her! And it’s moving!”

“Well, yes. But she is not actually inside the

globe. This globe was made by an ice pixie

and it is really a Snowficationizer. That’s a bit

like a crystal ball only with more snow. And

instead of showing you the future, the

Snowficationizer shows you what your sister is

doing at this very moment.”

“But where is she? And who is that woman?”

Inside the snow globe scene, a door had

opened and a woman entered the tiny sitting

room. She was extremely plump and she was

carrying a tray full of yet more food which

she put down next to the miniature Eliza. All

around the tiny figures, the snow continued to

fall.

LILY SWAN

20

“Ah, yes. I recognise the lady. That is Lady

Adorable. She’s a witch, of course. She lives in

Favouriteland. That’s where I come from, you

know. (Marvellous place. If you happen to like

all that magical flim-flam. Never cared for it

myself.)

“Favouriteland?” Joe mused. “I think I might

have heard of it. Is it somewhere near

Doncaster?”

“I doubt it,” Baron Zood said quickly. “Most

unlikely.” He gazed into the snow globe again.

“Ah yes, the incomparable Lady Adorable. She

lives in the most remarkable house in

Favouriteland. You would love it. It’s entirely

– get this – entirely made out of gingerbread

and cake! And you can actually eat the walls! I

went there for a party once. The house just

repairs itself where you’ve nibbled. Avoid the

solid toffee guttering though, unless you want

a broken tooth.”


21

Joe looked at Baron Zood and then back at

the snow globe. A terrible idea struck him.

“Do you know the story of Hansel and

Gretel?” he asked the Baron.

“No, never heard of it.”

“Two children go into the forest and find a

house made of gingerbread and the witch

who lives there fattens up the children?” Joe

LILY SWAN

22

lowered his voice to a whisper, “so she can eat

them? You've really never heard of that

story?”

“What an unpleasant tale,” frowned the

Baron. “No I can't say I've come across it.

What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Can’t you see the similarities? This witch,

Lady Adorable, or whatever her name is, she

lives in a house made of gingerbread and she’s

feeding my sister a high fat, high sugar diet.

It’s so obvious she must be fattening her up to

eat her!”

“No, no, no!” Baron Zood exclaimed in a

shocked voice. “You’re quite wrong. Lady

Adorable is a lovely lady. A real home maker.

She’s just making your sister comfortable. See

how comfortable she looks? No, I think we

can relax in the knowledge that your sister is

quite happy. No need for any rescuing!

Ouch!”

Joe had got the creature by the neck. “Now,

listen here you Baron thing! We are going to

rescue my sister and you are going to help


23

me!”

“Oh,” said the Baron in a very small voice.

“Well, perhaps it is time I told you the whole

story then.”

LILY SWAN

24

3 BARON ZOOD TELLS A STORY

"Now you may have heard the story of

Winderella," the Baron began, munching on a

sandwich. He had insisted that Joe take him to

the supermarket to get something to eat. Joe

bought him a cheese sandwich and some

Lucozade with the last of his pocket money.

Baron Zood was very impressed with the

Lucozade and kept on holding it up to the

light and sighing wistfully.

"Don't you mean Cinderella?" Joe asked him.

Baron Zood frowned, "No. I mean

Winderella," he said firmly. "Cinderella? Who

is that person? Perhaps you are getting

muddled up with Wumbelina?"

Joe shook his head, "Does this Winderella

have two ugly sisters?"

"Now, now Joe, 'ugly' is a very harsh word! I'll

grant you they were not very pretty. But the

eldest one had some very nice gold teeth."

"And Cinderella - I mean Winderella - got


25

married to a handsome prince?"

"Now that's where you're wrong. She thought

she might get married, but then things just

didn’t work out that way. The first prince she

chose wasn't very handsome anyway, you see.

And if truth be told he wasn't actually a

prince!"

"Don't tell me," Joe said, "he was a Wince?"

Baron Zood frowned again, "What funny

ideas you have. A Wince? No, he was an

enchanter. That was how he made everyone

think he was a prince. The enchanter's name

was Panamarenko.

LILY SWAN

26

He cast a spell and turned an old ice cream

van into a palace, and a pile of curly

sandwiches into a magnificent feast, and he

invited all his wizard friends around and told

them to pretend to be royal guests at a ball.

Of course the magic only lasted for one

evening. At the stroke of midnight, everything


27

would change back into the usual shabby state

of affairs. As things always do in

Favouriteland.

‘Meanwhile, Winderella was busy getting her

fairy godmother to cast a spell and magic her

a carriage and horses and a beautiful dress.

"Remember to be back by midnight

Winderella," warned the fairy godmother, "for

that is when the spell will wear off!"

‘Winderella was about to get into the carriage

when she realised there was one thing missing

from her outfit: a decent pair of shoes.

"Now my dear," said the fairy godmother to

Winderella, "I simply do not have a spell nice

enough to make you a pair of shoes that

would do for this ball. So you must go down

to the place where the fairies bathe in the

moonlit river. They take their shoes off

before they swim, and put them on

toadstools. Go there quietly and I'm sure you

will find the perfect pair of shoes, resting on a

toadstool."

LILY SWAN

28

'So Winderella did as she was told, although

in her heart of hearts she knew it was wrong

to steal from fairies (or from anyone else for

that matter). She went down to the river

where the fairies like to bathe. There she

found the most perfect pair of shoes, resting

on a toadstool. The shoes were so fine they

were like wearing cobwebs and they gleamed

like glass."

"Excuse me Baron Zood," Joe said loudly, "Is

this story going anywhere? I really need to

find my sister. I don't have time for fairy

stories!"

"You're a bit jumped up and above yourself


29

for a small boy from Deptford!" said the

Baron sniffily. “I think you’ll find that the

story is just about to get interesting!"

"About time!" was all Joe could think of to

say.

4 WINDERELLA

"As soon as Winderella arrived at the ball,"

Baron Zood continued, "the Wizard

Panamarenko noticed her immediately. She

was not the prettiest girl at the ball, nor the

most princess-like, but she told by far the

funniest jokes. Furthermore, she had the best

shoes and she looked like she might be rather

clever.

'"You are a very interesting person and your

shoes are splendid," the wizard said to

LILY SWAN

30

Winderella. "How they gleam in the

candlelight. They look as if they are made of

glass!" He smiled brightly up at Winderella.

"Will you marry me?"

"Are you a prince?" Winderella asked.

"Of course!" lied Panamarenko. "Can't you

see my crown?"

‘Winderella had a look at the crown that

Panamarenko was wearing. It certainly looked

like a real crown, but there was a twinkle of

magic about it that made her suspicious. "I'll

think about it," she said. But at that moment

she noticed that there was a rainbow

lemonade fountain in the corner of the room.

Every time someone laughed the fountain

changed colour and flavour. She went over to

try it and immediately forgot about the prince

until it was almost time to go home. Then,

just as the clock began to strike twelve, she

remembered the fairy godmother's words and

ran from the palace as fast as she could. One

of her shoes fell off but she was in too much

of a hurry to go back for it.


31

“Now," Baron Zood continued. "I expect you

will be wondering what happened to the

fairy!" He had finished his sandwich and was

scurrying along the pavement now, stopping

every now and again to look around him in

wonder. Joe had no idea where the Baron was

heading, but felt he must follow him all the

same.

"Fairy?" asked Joe in a puzzled voice. "What

fairy?"

Baron Zood glared at Joe, "The fairy whose

shoes Winderella stole. Do try to pay

attention please! The fairy's name was Ned

and it did not take her long to discover that

her special shoes had gone. The fairy asked

the glow worms what had happened and they

told her all about the girl who had got into a

coach that was really a pumpkin and travelled

up to the palace which was really an ice cream

van.

LILY SWAN

32

‘The fairy followed Winderella up to the

palace. She looked in through the window at

all the people enjoying themselves at the ball

and she waited for an opportunity to get her

shoes back. As the clock struck twelve, she

saw Winderella run out of the palace front

door. The fairy made a dive for Winderella's

feet and succeeded in grabbing one of the

shoes. Winderella did not even notice the

fairy, she just felt the shoe come off her foot.

She carried on running and the poor fairy was

kicked to one side as Winderella made a dash

for her coach.

‘No sooner had Winderella climbed into the

coach than it dissolved into a puddle of


33

pumpkin. Ashamed to be seen in her old

clothes, Winderella ran all the way home

without looking back. If she had turned

around, she would have noticed that the tiny

fairy had attached herself to one of her

pigtails and was clinging on for dear life.

‘As soon as Winderella got back to her own

bed she lay down and was about to go to

sleep when she felt something digging into

her ear. It was the fairy of course. Winderella

got hold of the tiny fairy by one leg and held

her up to the light.

"Now, who are you and what were you doing

in my hair?" asks Winderella. "Are you some

kind of earwig?"

‘At this the fairy started shouting. She was

saying very rude things (well, very rude for a

fairy anyway) but because she spoke in fairy

language, Winderella could not understand

her. So they had to get a beetle to translate."

LILY SWAN

34

"A beetle?" Joe asked, feeling very puzzled.

"How did that work? Can beetles speak to

humans? I've certainly never heard of one

that could!"

"Oh really?" Baron Zood said rather sniffily,

"Well, I can't imagine you would meet many

magic beetles in Deptford."

"Oh, you didn't say it was a magic beetle!" said

Joe.


35

"This is Favouriteland we're talking about you

foolish Deptford boy!

‘Anyway, the fairy shouted and threatened,

she begged and pleaded, she did everything

she could to try to make Winderella give back

the other shoe. But Winderella would not!

'Well this fairy was cunning. She invited

Winderella back to her house in the forest to

look at the whole of her shoe collection and

she promised Winderella she could have any

pair of shoes she liked, as long as she would

give back the special shoe. "After all," said the

fairy, "it's not as if one, single shoe is any

good to you."

'After the beetle had finished translating,

Winderella had a good look at the fairy's shoe

collection. There were many hundreds of

different pairs of shoes there, all arranged on

little shelves. There were shoes made from

peacock's feathers, shoes made from crystal,

shoes that were spun from gold and tiny,

delicate shoes made of blotting paper. She

was just about to go for the peacock feather

LILY SWAN

36

ones when she happened to see a small, dull

looking pair of brown shoes on the bottom

shelf. Something about them caught her eye.

Perhaps she was curious as to why the fairy

should keep such an ugly pair of shoes when

all the others were so fine. They looked as if

they were made of iron. Rusty old iron.

'Winderella bent down to get a better look.

She saw that there was a little label inside the

shoes.

"What are these?" Winderella asked. The

beetle translated.

"Oh, those old things? You don't want those!

See, they are made of iron and most

uncomfortable. They are old and ugly and no

good at all!" replied the fairy.

"Why are they called, 'Shoes of Miscellaneous

Magic?’" Winderella asked, for that is what

was written on the label inside the shoes. “It

says here, ‘Shoes of Miscellaneous Magic:

contains powers of supertravelation and

universe jumping, unicorn discovery,

uglification, de-uglification and much, much


37

more (terms and conditions apply).’”

The fairy grew even more nervous. "Universe

jumping? Oh I don't think so. Jumping

perhaps. But who needs to jump these days

when carriages are so easily available."

Winderella rounded on the fairy, "Tell me the

truth twinklebreath or you'll never see your

missing shoe again!"

‘I don't think the beetle managed to translate

'twinklebreath' very successfully, but the fairy

got the general idea. She wrung her hands and

twisted her hair in fury. But in the end she had

to tell. She explained that the shoes were

enchanted and would give the wearer certain

magical powers. In particular, the power of

Supertravelation which means being able to

jump out of one universe and into another.

Also the power to discover whether any

unicorns are in the vicinity and the power to

uglify someone just by pointing your foot at

them."

"What does uglify mean?" Joe asked.

LILY SWAN

38

"It's the opposite to beautify of course,"

Baron Zood said impatiently, "Only far

worse."

"I see," said Joe. "It doesn't sound like much

of a magic power to me!"

"In the right hands," Baron Zood said darkly,

"it can prove devastating."

39

5 THE IRON SHOES

Baron Zood went quiet for a bit after this and

Joe had to remind him to carry on with the

story.

"So, as I was saying, there was far more to the

shoes than mere uglification," said the Baron

at last. "The iron shoes had the power of

Supertravelation. They could enable the

wearer to jump from one universe and into

another. For example, one might jump out of

the world of Favouriteland and into the world

of humans just by jumping into the air and

saying where you wanted to go.

“Yes, I see,” Joe said. A suspicion struck him

just then. "Baron Zood, were the shoes a bit

like the shoes you're wearing now?" he asked.

"What, er, these shoes?" asked the Baron,

pointing to his tiny feet.

"Yes, those shoes."

LILY SWAN

40

"Well, ah yes, I suppose they might be.

Anyway, I thought you were in a hurry to hear

the rest of the story!"

"Hmmm," Joe said thoughtfully, "carry on

then!"

Baron Zood cleared his throat and continued.

"The fairy tried to dissuade Winderella from

taking the iron shoes. “These shoes are way

too small for you, my dear," she insisted. In

fact, all the shoes were small, but most of

them were made using fairy silk, which has

the ability to stretch to fit even the largest and

most troll-like human foot. The iron shoes

were hardly big enough to fit onto

Winderella's big toe and did not stretch at all.

"I don't care," said Winderella. "Those are the

shoes I want."

"But why not the lovely peacock feather

shoes? Or the slippers that smell of a

different citrus fruit for every day of the

week?"

"The iron shoes are the ones for me!"


41

"Well, you can't have them!" snapped the fairy.

"You promised I could have any shoes," said

Winderella. "I thought fairies never broke

their promises!"

At that the fairy flew into a rage. She leaped

into the air above Winderella's head. She was

so angry her wings turned inside out.

"I shall put a curse on you, you wretched girl!"

shouted the fairy. The beetle translated at the

top of his voice, but could only just be heard

over the noise of the fairy's shouting.

"No curses please! Can't you see I'm wearing

my fairy curse immunity badge?" said

Winderella. It was true. Her fairy godmother

had given her that badge when she was born.

"Then I put a spell on the shoes! Every time

anyone uses them something will go wrong. I

won't tell you what!" said the fairy. And with

that, she flew out of the window and

disappeared in a puff of sneezing powder.

"Aha!" exclaimed Joe. "I think I am beginning

to work out what happened here!" They were

LILY SWAN

42

now walking through a park on a hill, a little

way from Joe's house. It was steep and windy

and the Baron's woolly hair was blowing in all

directions making him look even more

ridiculous than before.

"Oh please don't!" begged Baron Zood,

turning pale. "That is to say, please try not to!"

"Then please tell me, little Baron, what sort

of things tend to go wrong when someone

uses the shoes?"

"Oh, you know," Baron Zood said, vaguely.

"You might land upside down when you jump

into the world of humans, or find yourself in

mid-air, or find that your hair had suddenly

turned purple upon arrival, or..."

"Or, someone else might disappear at the

same moment you appeared?" demanded Joe.

"I suppose it's possible," Baron Zood

muttered, "but it's not my fault, it really isn't.

Why won't you let me tell you the rest of the

story and you'll see that it really wasn't my

fault at all!"

"I can’t waste any more time listening to your


43

stories. I need to find this Lady Adorable

person and get my sister back.”

“Yes, I was afraid you’d say that,” said Baron

Zood, suddenly finding something terribly

interesting about his tummy button and

stopping to examine it.

“Where can we find her?”

“Well,” Baron Zood threw his hands up, “in

Favouriteland of course, where else?”

“Then let’s go there! We can use your shoes!

Perhaps if I hold hands with you they will

carry both of us there.”

“I could, of course,” said the Baron uneasily.

“But it is likely that something else might go

wrong. The fairy’s curse, remember? Perhaps I

might lose you this time, or we both might

find ourselves experiencing the most terrible

problematization.”

"Ah, so you admit it at last! Those are the iron

shoes you're wearing!"

"I admit nothing," breathed the Baron.

“What’s ‘problematization’ anyway?” Joe

asked.

LILY SWAN

44

“Too awful to think about really. No, no, it

won’t do. Really I’d love to help, but...”

“Well there must be another way into

Favouriteland!” said Joe.

“Must there?” muttered the Baron, still

looking into his tummy button.

“Yes!” Joe said firmly.

Baron Zood sighed again, “Very well. I can

see you are not going to leave me alone until I

take you there. Come with me!”


45

6 THE TRUTH PEBBLES

Taking hold of Joe’s hand, Baron Zood led

them through overgrown paths and across

tangled bits of woodland. Finally, they came

to a clearing where the stinging nettles arched

overhead like trees they were so tall. It was

funny, Joe reflected, he did not remember any

place in the park where the nettles were so tall

and so close together.

"Where are we going?" Joe asked.

"Shhh!" hissed the Baron. "Don't make a

sound, the spider's coming!"

And just then, Joe saw something really rather

scary. Coming towards them was the most

enormous spider he had ever seen. It was the

size of a large cat and quite hideously hairy all

over. It scuttled up to the Baron (who looked

as nervous as Joe felt) and waved its front legs

all around.

"Yes," the Baron said solemnly, as if in answer

to something the spider had said. "Yes, of

LILY SWAN

46

course we have come to see Ms Nettles.

Please to tell her that Baron Zood and his

assistant are here. Ms Nettles may (ahem)

remember me as 'Baron Zood, Ruler of the

Universe,'"

The spider waved its legs around some more

and then turned around and scuttled off again

into the nettles.

"That spider," said Joe, swallowing hard, "was

huge! I mean, that was not a normal sized

spider!"

"Well, that's where you are wrong young

man," said the Baron loftily. "That spider was

a perfectly normal size. It is you and I who

have shrunk.”

As it happened, Joe had just been looking

around him at that moment and wondering to

himself why the stinging nettles were so very,

very tall and why even the blades of grass in

this part of the park were as thick as the

branches of trees.

"Everyone," continued Baron Zood, "who

wants to visit Jenny Nettles must shrink to the


47

appropriate size. Otherwise, they would not

be able to hear what she was saying. Her voice

is tiny you see. As tiny as her house. That is

another power of the shoes of course,

shrinkification."

"Shrinkification?" exclaimed Joe, "Now that

really isn’t a proper word!"

"It is where I come from," said the Baron

frostily. "And kindly keep your voice down.

Jenny does not like shouting. Ah, here comes

the spider again!"

The spider returned and seemed to beckon

with its legs. Baron Zood followed it and Joe

came after him. They walked through a long

corridor of stinging nettles until they came to

a little wooden door. The door was ajar and

Joe could just hear the sound of a faint little

voice singing.

"Jenny Nettles is my name,

Making cobwebs is my game.

If you want to have some fun,

Come and get your fingers stung!”

LILY SWAN

48

Suddenly the singing stopped. There was a

scratching noise and then the door opened

slightly and someone peered around it. It was

a tiny old lady with long, straggly hair and

large eyes and a funny, pinched face that was

greenish grey in colour. The face looked

extremely miserable and not at all pleased to

see Baron Zood.


49

"Zood," she said at last, in a sighing voice,

"what do you want?"

"Jenny!" cried Baron Zood affectionately.

"Long time, no see! Allow me to introduce my

assistant, Joe."

"I'm not your assistant!" said Joe, under his

LILY SWAN

50

breath.

"I think you'll find you are," hissed the Baron,

"unless you want to find yourself wrapped up

in cobwebs and eaten as a snack!"

"Come in then," sighed Jenny. She beckoned

to Joe and the Baron to come inside and it

was then that Joe noticed something else

about Jenny Nettles. Hidden underneath her

cloak she seemed to have several additional

pairs of legs.

Inside the house it was gloomy. Everything

seemed to be made out of twigs, mushrooms

and nettles and held together with cobwebs.

In the dark corners of the room, Joe thought

he could see spiders hurrying about. Large

ones. Baron Zood sat down gingerly on a

spindly looking armchair made from a

mushroom. Joe did not want to sit down, as

all the other chairs looked like they were made

out of stinging nettles.

"What brings you to London, Baron?" asked

Jenny Nettles in a sad little voice.


51

Baron Zood glanced furtively at Joe.

"On the run from Winderella again?" Jenny

Nettles said, a little more loudly.

"Shhh!" hissed the Baron, crossly.

“The Baron stole a pair of shoes from her

and he has been on the run ever since,” Jenny

Nettles explained to Joe.

"May I just say, Ms Nettles," said Joe, "that

you are so much better at explaining things

than Baron Zood. “I’ve been listening to him

witter on for hours and I’m still none the

wiser.”

“Don’t mention it,” said Jenny Nettles. She

leaned forwards and her voice sank to a

whisper. "It was because Winderella used the

power of the shoes to uglify him, you know!"

At this the Baron gave a little sob, got up and

ran into another room.

“Having trouble getting the truth out of

him?” asked Jenny Nettles once the Baron

was out of earshot.

“Just a bit,” Joe admitted.

Jenny Nettles nodded. She reached over to a

LILY SWAN

52

large bowl that was standing on a small table

near her. It was full of small, round pebbles

and Jenny Nettles took one of them out and

carefully dropped it into a teacup. She winked

at Joe. “That should do the trick,” she said.

"Actually, there is something I’d really like to

know,” Joe whispered. “Why does Baron

Zood call himself, Ruler of the Universe? It

can't really be true can it? Is he just making it

up?"

"It is slightly true," Jenny Nettles said, "but it

was a very small universe, barely bigger than a

puddle and as dull as mud."

"My universe was not dull!" cried the Baron,

coming back into the room. "How dare you

refer to my glorious universe as dull!"

“Ah, there you are Baron,” said Jenny. “Would

you care for some buttercup nectar cordial?”

“Buttercup nectar cordial, eh? Now you’re

talking!”

Jenny Nettles smiled a little smile to herself

and poured out some of the cordial into the

teacup that contained the pebble. She gave it


53

to Baron Zood who sipped it with enormous

enjoyment. “Marvellous!” was his verdict. Joe

looked on with interest. Whilst Jenny Nettles

was looking the other way, he reached over

and took a small handful of the pebbles

himself and put them in his pocket.

“Now,” said Jenny Nettles, “before you say

anything Baron, I should warn you that I have

put a truth pebble in your cordial, so please be

obliged to tell me the correct version of

everything.”

“Truth pebble? What? You wretched creature!

I shall tell the truth about you if you’re not

careful!” shouted Zood.

“Firstly,” said Jenny, “Why have you come to

see me?”

“We want to use your special spider tunnel

into Favouriteland to rescue Joe’s little sister,

eurgh!” Baron Zood sounded like he was

trying to choke back his own words. He

obviously did not like telling the truth very

much.

LILY SWAN

54

“Ask him any question you want. He has to

tell the truth!” Jenny Nettles said to Joe. “If

you’re going on an adventure with him into

Favouriteland you should know what you’re

dealing with!”

“How did you get hold of the iron shoes?”

Joe asked the Baron.

“Well, it’s a long story,” said Baron Zood

uneasily, “Are you sure you’ve the time? Well,

let me see now. After things went wrong with

the Wizard Panamarenko, Winderella did not

give up on finding herself a handsome prince.

Would you believe it, she actually set her

sights on little old me! Yes, once upon a time,

I was a prince. Ruler of a vast kingdom!” All

of a sudden there was a terrible farting noise

and bright green gas began to appear around

Baron Zood.

“Oh dear,” said the Baron, faintly.

“That’s the truth pebble working. It will

continue to happen every time he tells a lie,

my dear,” said Jenny Nettles to Joe. “It does

wear off eventually though. Carry on please,


55

Baron!”

The Baron regarded her through narrowed

eyes, but he carried on. “I was ruler of, shall

we say, a modest sized kingdom. Winderella

persuaded her fairy godmother to give her a

second chance and help her out, yet again. On

the night of our annual palace ball, Winderella

arrived in a fancy coach and horses, wearing

all her finery. I saw through her at once, of

course.”

An extra loud farting noise and more green

gas billowed out from beneath Baron Zood.

“Ah yes, that is to say, she had me completely

fooled! It was love at first sight, in fact. And

before the night was out, I had asked

Winderella to marry me. She said yes,

naturally. But then, disaster struck. We were

both enjoying the rainbow lemonade fountain

(every good palace ball must have one) when

the clock struck twelve. At the first chime of

the clock, the enchantment Winderella’s fairy

godmother had laid on her came to an end.

Instead of a beautiful ball gown, she was left

LILY SWAN

56

wearing an ordinary pair of blue dungarees.

Her gorgeous, gold and green cloak became

an old dog’s blanket. Her shoes were never

that nice anyway. She was wearing an old pair

of brown shoes that were far too small for

her (of course, those were the iron shoes

though I did not realise it at the time.) I could

see at once that I had been tricked. She was

not a princess at all. She was an imposter and

a poor person! Naturally, I told her I could

not possibly marry her after all.”

“That wasn’t very nice of you!” exclaimed Joe.

“It wasn’t very nice of her to pretend!”

retorted the Baron. “Anyway, Winderella

became very angry when I refused to marry

her. She pointed her foot at me and shouted,

“Since you won’t marry me, I’ll uglify you!”

‘And that is how I came to be as you see me

today! After that, Winderella ran from the

ballroom and down the stairs. As luck would

have it, waiting for her was Fairy Ned, the

fairy she had tricked into letting her have the

iron shoes in the first place. The fairy made a


57

grab for Winderella’s shoes, I made a grab for

the fairy and Bob’s your uncle, before you

know it I had the Universe Jumping Shoes on

my feet. I pointed at Winderella and shouted,

“Be uglified yourself !” I didn’t stop to see

what happened to her. I bounded away as fast

as the shoes would carry me, which was

extremely fast indeed. I felt as if I was flying. I

shouted out, “With these shoes, I shall be

ruler of the universe!”

‘And that was how it happened. The shoes

transported me to my very own universe. It

wasn’t a very big universe, I grant you, about

the size of a small bed and breakfast. But I

was ruler of it. My subjects were the Tweems.

LILY SWAN

58

They were small, unimaginative little things.

Mostly they were just interested in eating

lichen. Anyway, I ruled the Tweems for many

glorious years -” A particularly enormous,

trumpeting fart was heard. The Baron blushed

and continued quickly, “That is to say, the

Tweems took very little notice of me and I

got bored of the pokey little place extremely

quickly. So I used the shoes to transport

myself to the land of humans. And that was

the last I ever saw of Winderella!”

“What I don’t understand,” said Joe, “is why

you didn’t de-uglify yourself after you got the

shoes.”

“Only the person who cast the uglification

spell in the first place can reverse it!”

explained the Baron. “And it’s unlikely

Winderella will ever agree to that, given the

circumstances. So it looks as if I shall be stuck

looking like this forever.”

“And what happened to Winderella? After you

uglified her?” Joe asked.


59

“I told you, I didn’t stop to find out. I knew

how cross she’d be and I didn’t want to stay

and be shouted at. It was a mistake though,

for it has put me at a disadvantage. I’ve been

on the run from Winderella ever since, but it’s

a scary business running away from someone

when you’ve no idea what they look like.”

60

7 LADY ADORABLE

"I suspect your sister has been a victim of the

problematizing effects of the fairy’s curse,"

said Jenny Nettles.

"Problematizing?" said Joe, frowning again. "I

can’t believe that’s a real word." He turned to

Baron Zood, "Don't you fairy tale people go

to school?"

Baron Zood bristled, "Certainly we do! Why,

Jenny Nettles and I went to the same school,

although," he paused and looked ruefully at

the ground, "it's true it was not a very good

school. Both our families were too poor to

send us to a proper school so we had to

attend the School of Stupid."

Joe laughed, "The School of Stupid? What a

strange sounding school."

Baron Zood nodded, "It was cheap to attend,

but we were only taught the leftover subjects

that none of the other schools wanted. All


61

kinds of useless stuff, such as:

Procrastination, Sideways Swimming, Wrong

Geography, Bad Science and," the Baron's

voice sank to a whisper,

"Wordificationizering."

"Wrong Geography doesn't sound so bad,"

Joe said, sympathetically.

"Oh no?" put in Jenny Nettles bitterly, "Not if

you enjoy getting lost, I suppose."

"Well," Joe said briskly, "on the subject of

being lost, can we please talk about my sister,

Eliza?"

Baron Zood nodded, “As you know, I have

brought you here because Mrs Jenny Nettles

is the gatekeeper to a secret tunnel into

Favouriteland.”

“I can show you the way if you would like,”

said Jenny Nettles. “But be warned!

Favouriteland can be a peculiar place for those

who are not used to it!”

The tunnel was very dark and narrow and

horribly cobwebby. It smelled of mushroom

LILY SWAN

62

and dead flies. Eventually Joe saw a light at

the end, which grew brighter and brighter

until they came out into a forest. It was

exactly as Joe had imagined an enchanted

forest might look like. The trees were twisty

and gnarled and some of them seemed to

have faces that winked at you as you went

past. Above his head, a cloud of sparkling

butterflies seemed to follow him wherever he

went. Occasionally one of them would turn

into a wafer biscuit and Baron Zood would

snap it in his teeth like a sea lion. Between the

trees, deep in the forest, were other animals:

foxes in tweed jackets walking on their hind

legs and worried looking rabbits wearing blue

and white coats.

“Are we in Favouriteland?” Joe asked the

Baron.

Baron Zood gave him a withering look. “No,

this is Kent.”

“Really?”

“Of course we’re in Favouriteland you

nincompoop! But be quiet, we must be near


63

Lady Adorable’s house now, I just need to get

my bearings. Hold on a minute!”

“There’s actually a signpost here,” Joe said,

noticing an old, wooden signpost through the

trees.

“Oh, you don’t want to take any notice of

signposts in Favouriteland,” the Baron said,

sucking in his breath through his teeth. “No,

no, no! Far too dangerous. They could be

bewitched and send you in the wrong

direction. No, follow me. I know where I’m

going.”

The Baron set off through the forest with Joe

following behind. After a few minutes, Joe –

who had a good sense of direction – got the

feeling they might be going in circles. And

sure enough, after a few more minutes they

arrived back where they’d started at the mouth

of the secret tunnel.

“Perhaps we should look at the signpost

now?” Joe suggested.

“It’s more than likely to be wrong,” muttered

the Baron.

LILY SWAN

64

“Let’s just try shall we?”

Grudgingly the Baron agreed. After a few

minutes’ walking, the signpost proved to be

correct. They came to a clearing in the trees in

which stood a colourful little house that

seemed to be made entirely out of sweets and

cakes. The roof was made of hundreds of

tiny cupcakes, the chimney was an enormous

ice cream cone, the windows were made of

fruit gums and the walls were solid

gingerbread.

“I have such a bad feeling about this,” Joe

said.

“I don’t know why,” said the Baron,

“everything seems to be going swimmingly so

far.” He strode forwards, whistling cheerfully,

and knocked on the door before peeling off

the door knocker and taking a bite out of it.

“Eurgh, liquorice!” he exclaimed, spitting it

out again.

The door was opened by the same, plump

woman they had seen in the snow globe.

“Lady Adorable?” said the Baron, bowing low.


65

“Who wants to know?” asked the woman.

“Allow me to introduce myself,” said the

Baron smoothly. “My name is Baron Zood,

formerly known Baron Zood Ruler of the

Universe.”

“Ah, Baron Zood! I believe I heard that

Winderella was looking for you, Baron!”

“Yes, yes, I’m aware of all that,” said the

Baron quickly, “but we have other business

LILY SWAN

66

today. This is my assistant Joe.” Joe grimaced

but said nothing. “We are here in search of his

sister, Eliza.”

The woman broke into a broad smile. “Ah,

yes, Eliza! She is right here. Come on in!”

Joe and the Baron exchanged glances but

followed the woman into the house. There sat

Eliza on the same sofa they had seen in the

snow globe. Tucking into yet more snacks.

She looked up as Joe came in and waved

cheerfully. Joe thought she already looked a

good deal chubbier than when he had seen

her a few hours earlier.

“Eliza dear,” said the woman, “here is your

brother come to take you home!” She turned

to Joe and Baron Zood. “It was most

mysterious. I was just sitting at home, in front

of the fire, when all of a sudden, Eliza

appeared out of nowhere, sitting on my sofa.

She couldn’t explain to me what had

happened, but I was very glad to see her. It is

lonely for a little old lady like me, all the way

out here in the enchanted forest. It’s been


67

lovely to have someone to talk to. I shall be

quite sad when it’s time for her to go home.”

“But I don’t want to go home!” Eliza

declared. “I like it here!”

“Eliza,” Joe said, “we have to go home. Mum

will be worried sick and anyway,” he lowered

his voice to a whisper, “it’s not safe here.”

“Not safe?” laughed Eliza. “Don’t be

ridiculous! I’ve hardly budged from the sofa

since I got here and the food is just incredible.

Did you know, you can even eat the walls of

the house? They’re made of some kind of

delicious ginger cake.”

“Let’s discuss it over a cup of tea,” said Lady

Adorable. “And perhaps some lemonade for

the children?”

Joe took a good look at Lady Adorable. It

seemed not only her house but even her

clothes were made out of sweets and biscuits.

Her skirt was made from a patchwork of

cookies and garibaldi biscuits and her hair was

pink candyfloss. It was hard to be suspicious

when really she looked so sweet.

LILY SWAN

68

Whilst Lady Adorable was making the

drinks, Joe tried again to persuade Eliza.

“Eliza, I know you’ll find this hard to believe,

but we are in a place called Favouriteland. It’s

nowhere near Deptford. We don’t belong here

and we need to go home before she…. Before

anything bad happens.”

“Can’t we finish watching this movie first?”

Eliza asked, switching on the TV again. “Help

yourself to crisps. There are dips too, look!”

Lady Adorable bustled back into the room.

Whilst she was handing out drinks an idea

occurred to Joe. He reached into his pocket

and felt the pebbles that he had taken from

Jenny Nettles’ house. Lady Adorable had

made herself comfortable in an armchair with

her cup of tea balanced on the arm of the

chair. Carefully, when he thought no one was

looking, Joe reached over and popped one of

the truth telling pebbles into her drink. Now,

she will have to tell the truth about herself

and Eliza will realise the danger she’s in, he

thought.


69

Lady Adorable picked up her tea and took a

sip. Joe held his breath. Then something very

strange happened and not what Joe was

expecting at all. Lady Adorable began to grow

bigger.

She grew gradually at first, so gradually that

she did not even notice what was happening.

Then, as her chair became too small for her,

she began to shift uncomfortably. She looked

around her in panic as she swelled and swelled

to three times her original size. She kept on

growing until her head was almost touching

the ceiling and her legs were so long that her

feet almost touched the television.

“What’s happening to me?” she cried in a

frightened voice.

“Oh my have-a-banana!” cried Baron Zood.

“What is happening to you!” He looked at Joe

suspiciously. “This isn’t anything to do with

you is it?”

“It might be,” Joe said, his voice scarcely

above a whisper. “I gave her a truth pebble I

LILY SWAN

70

got from Jenny Nettles’ house. There was a

whole bowl of them on the table. I just

helped myself to a few, that’s all. I didn’t think

she’d miss them.”

“Which side of the bowl did you take the

pebbles from?” demanded Baron Zood, as

Lady Adorable continued to grow.

“Which side of the bowl?” Joe looked

confused, “I can’t remember. Does it matter?”

“Pebbles from the left side of the bowl make

you tell the truth. Pebbles from the right side

make you grow!” snapped the Baron. “I

thought everyone knew that!”

“But,” Joe shook his head, “that’s such a bad

system! I mean suppose the bowl got turned

around or -”

“He-elp!” wailed Lady Adorable. Her

candyfloss hair was pushing against the ceiling

now. She tried to stand up but banged her

head and fell down again. Now she was sitting

on the carpet and growing all the time. Joe

could see that soon her legs would be

blocking the door.


71

“We’d better get out of here,” said the Baron,

“whilst there’s still room to move!”

The three of them made their way to the

front door. Eliza was reluctant to move from

the sofa, but Joe took her by the hand and

more or less pushed her out of the door.

They ran down the garden path. As they got

to the edge of the clearing they heard a POP

and turned around to see the gingerbread

house had exploded into a pile of cake

crumbs around the gigantic Lady Adorable

who sat, looking dazed, in the remains of her

living room, covered in cake. Absently she

picked up a piece of roof and ate it.

72

8 AN UNEXPECTED MEETING

“Oh, we are in such trouble now!” Baron

Zood moaned.

“I suppose the spell will wear off in a bit?”

suggested Joe without much confidence.

“That’s beside the point! Lady Adorable is a

national hero. The whole of Favouriteland

will be up in arms about you trying to largify

her!”

Joe sighed. “Perhaps we’d better get back

down the tunnel as fast as we can.”

“No time for that!” snapped the Baron, “we’ll

have to use the shoes. Hold my hands you

two!”

Before Joe or Eliza could protest, Baron

Zood had grabbed both their hands and

began to jump. “To Humanland!” he cried.

It was like being on the world’s largest and

bounciest trampoline. Joe and Eliza felt


73

themselves shoot up into the air whilst the

ground vanished beneath them. Higher and

higher they flew, passing sugary castles in the

sky and gigantic rainbows that suddenly

dissolved into fits of giggles as they passed

and clouds of swirling bubbles that tasted of

spearmint and up higher still into a dark,

witchy landscape full of things flying about on

broomsticks and whirling through the air. And

then they were falling. Falling through a blue

sky and clouds of water vapour and the

ground was rushing up towards them: roofs

and chimneys and roads and with a plopping,

splatting sound they landed, unhurt, in the

Walrus’s café.

“So unfortunate,” Joe heard the Baron

muttering. “So very unfortunate. Perhaps if I

just quickly slip out of the –”

“Grrrr...” With a deep, rumbling growl the

walrus appeared around the corner of the

counter and fixed Baron Zood with a terrible

glare.

LILY SWAN

74

“Oh heck and sausage!” cried the Baron, “The

shoes have really landed us in it this time!”

The walrus came bouncing over and towered

over the poor, cowering Baron Zood, its

whiskers just inches from top of his head. It

let out an enormous bellow of anger.

“Please!” Joe said, “Please Mr Walrus - or Mrs

Walrus, I’m afraid I can’t tell - please tell us

what the Baron has done wrong and we’ll try

to put it right! We’ll gladly pay back anything

he owes.”

“He owes me an apology!” said the walrus

suddenly, surprising them all by speaking in

perfect English. “An apology and a pair of

shoes!” it added.

“What can a walrus want with a pair of

shoes?” asked Eliza. “You don’t even have any

feet!”

“Who are you calling a walrus!” cried the

walrus angrily. “I’ll have you know I was once

a beautiful princess. Well, a beautiful, almost

princess at any rate. Then I was uglified! By

him!” the walrus pointed a flipper towards


75

Baron Zood.

Joe and the Baron looked at each other as

each exclaimed at the same moment,

“Winderella!”

“Winderella,” whimpered the Baron, “Who’d

have thought it. Uglified into a walrus, no less.

A big…big, walrusy walrus. Oh dear, oh dear.

Though I must say, I feared as much. There

was something about the nose.”

Eliza looked mystified. “I’ll explain later,” Joe

told her.

“After the Baron told me he no longer wanted

to marry me because my dress wasn’t nice

enough,” continued the walrus Winderella,

“he stole my shoes from me, uglified me and

then ran away like the devious, pickled coward

he is!”

“Are you calling Baron Zood, Ruler of the

Universe, a coward? That’s fighting talk where

I come from, ma’am!” cried the Baron,

stepping forward furiously.

The walrus let out an enormous bellow and

the Baron shrank back.

LILY SWAN

76

“I searched high and low for you Zood,”

continued Winderella the walrus, “until I

happened to meet a tiger who claimed that

Baron Zood, Ruler of the Universe, was one

of his best customers at the Deptford Tiger

café. The tiger needed to take time off to visit

his cousin overseas, so I offered to take his

place in the café. There, I waited patiently,

knowing that one day the Baron would have

to show his face here again. And now he has

and I demand that he give me back my shoes

and de-uglify me.”

“You uglified me first!” shouted the Baron.

“You deserved it!” retorted the walrus.

“Listen,” said Joe, “I’ve got an idea. Why

don’t you both agree to de-uglify each other?

Baron Zood can go first. Then he can give

Winderella the shoes and she can de-uglify

him.”

“How do I know that Winderella won’t just

take the shoes and escape with them without

de-uglifying me!” asked Baron Zood.

“You’ll just have to trust me,” said Winderella.


77

Baron Zood tried to look contemptuous, but

ruined the effect by suddenly letting out a

small, green coloured fart. Obviously, the after

effects of the truth pebble, Joe reflected.

“You can hold hands while you do it,”

suggested Joe. “That way, if one of you tries

to escape, the other one has to come too.”

“Very well then,” said the Baron. He pointed

at the walrus and shouted, “De-uglify!” and all

at once the walrus quivered and shivered and

sparkled all over and with a small, tinselly kind

of pinging sound, disappeared. In its place

stood a very tall young woman with a wide,

friendly looking face and a turned up nose.

Although it would have been rude to say she

looked like a walrus, Joe thought to himself

that Winderella still looked as if she would be

very much at home in the cold waters of the

Arctic Circle.

“Right, now my turn,” said Winderella holding

out her hand.

The Baron took Winderella’s hand and at the

same time tried to take off the shoes, with

LILY SWAN

78

some difficulty. Then it was Winderella’s turn

to put the shoes on, whilst holding hands with

the Baron. It was a real struggle as the shoes

were hardly big enough to cover her toes and

the two of them kept nearly falling over.

Eventually she succeeded in squeezing most

of her feet into them although she looked

very uncomfortable.

“Come on, come on!” wheedled the Baron.

“You promised!”

Winderella hesitated. “Oh, alright then,” she

said at last. “De-uglify!” And with a flash, the

Baron was transformed back into his original

form. He was smaller than Winderella and

with extremely curly hair and sticking out

teeth. Again, Joe was struck with how similar

he looked to his uglified self.

“Now,” said Joe, “the two of you must

promise to take the shoes back to fairy Ned.

That’s who they really belong to. And if you

don’t, things will just keep going wrong for

you, every time you use them.”

“Well,” said the Baron, “it has been very nice


79

meeting you, small people.”

“And I don’t think we shall ever forget you

either, shall we Eliza?” said Joe.

“Yes indeed, I imagine it’s not every day you

Humanland people meet a ruler of the

universe,” the Baron said smugly. “Are we

ready Winderella?”

Baron Zood and Winderella held hands and

both of them screwed up their faces as if they

were waiting to be stung by a wasp.

“Wait for it, wait for it…” muttered the

Baron. Finally, with a last, particularly

unpleasant smelling puff of green gas, the

two of them simply vanished.

“They’ve gone!” Eliza said, as the green gas

subsided and they were left alone in the empty

cafe.

“Yes, I think they have,” Joe said, half to

himself. “Come on Eliza. Let’s go home

before anything else happens.”

And so they did. As it happened, Joe was right

LILY SWAN

80

to hurry because before very long something

else did happen. But that's another story.

1

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Lily Swan has been writing stories for children for many years. She wrote her first book, Toad cake, when she was just 12. She is currently working on the next instalment of Baron Zood’s Adventures in which the Baron discovers a Miniature Wicked Queen imprisoned in a biscuit tin, the Prime Minister of Favouriteland goes to war with the Old Gentleman of the Moon and Eliza and Joe are employed as the only human teachers at the School of Stupid.

ABOUT THE ILLUSTRATIONS

The illustrations for this book were provided by the author’s two sons, Myles Swan O’Sullivan (age 11) and Joe Swan O’Sullivan (age 7) and their Dad, Frank O’Sullivan (somewhat older). They all love drawing and the author gets many of her ideas for characters from their unique creations.

Baron Zood Ruler of the Universe filecontents 1 the disappearance 2. the walrus 3. baron zood tells...

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