Babes in Toy Land

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BABES IN TOYLAND A Musical Comedy in three acts. --------- Book & Lyrics by Glen MacDonough Music by Victor Herbert Produced 13 Oct. 1903, at the Majestic Theatre in New York, but this is a later version [undated]. CAST UNCLE BARNABY, A rich miser. ALAN, His nephew. JANE, His niece. THE WIDOW PIPER, A lonely widow with fourteen children. TOM TOM, Her eldest son. CONTRARY MARY, Her eldest daughter. HILDA, A maid of all work for the Piper family. THE GIANT SPIDER THE MASTER TOY MAKER GRUMIO, His assistant. INSPECTOR MARMADUKE, Of the Toyland Police. Two ruffians RODERIGO GONZORGO Piper's Children JILL BOY BLUE BO PEEP MISS MUFFETT SIMPLE SIMON CURLY LOCKS BOBBY SHAFTON SALLIE WATERS RED RIDING HOOD, and etc. 1

Transcript of Babes in Toy Land

Page 1: Babes in Toy Land

BABES IN TOYLAND

A Musical Comedy in three acts.---------Book & Lyrics by Glen MacDonoughMusic by Victor HerbertProduced 13 Oct. 1903, at the MajesticTheatre in New York, but this is a laterversion [undated].

CAST

UNCLE BARNABY, A rich miser.ALAN, His nephew.JANE, His niece.THE WIDOW PIPER, A lonely widowwith fourteen children.TOM TOM, Her eldest son.CONTRARY MARY, Her eldestdaughter.HILDA, A maid of all work for the Piperfamily.THE GIANT SPIDERTHE MASTER TOY MAKERGRUMIO, His assistant.INSPECTOR MARMADUKE, Of theToyland Police.

Two ruffiansRODERIGOGONZORGO

Piper's ChildrenJILLBOY BLUEBO PEEPMISS MUFFETTSIMPLE SIMONCURLY LOCKSBOBBY SHAFTONSALLIE WATERSRED RIDING HOOD, and etc.

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SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT IScene I: Country fete in Contrary Mary'sgarden." 2: A Garden Wall." 3: A Spider's Forest.ACT IIScene I: The Christmas Tree Grove inToyland." 2: A Street in Toyland." 3: The Master Toymaker's Workshop.ACT IIIThe Courtyard of the Toyland Palace ofJustice.----------

ACT ISCENE I: The scene shows the garden ofContrary Mary near the Widow Piper'shome. A cask of ale and decorations andpennats and bunting suggest a fete. Aparty of peasants as the scene is revealed.No. 1. -- Country Dance and entrance ofthe Chorus.UNCLE BARNABY enters at the end ofthe dance, smirking and bowing right andleft. The peasants snub him.BarnabyEnjoy yourselves, enjoy yourselves, mydear friends. I am delighted to see you sohappy. Are the Piper children here - andespecially Contrary Mary?

JillNo, Master Barnaby, Mary didn't come tothe Fete.

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BarnabyThat's strange, I'm giving it to please her-- and to make you all a little fonder ofme.

JillWhy, are you our host?

BarnabyYes.

Jill(To the crowd)Only yesterday he seized poor oldMother Hubbard's house and turned herinto the road, all for a debt of a fewshillings!(Crowd jeer at Barnaby)

1st Girl(To the crowd)Let's finish the afternoon by puttingBarnaby under the town pump!

AllHurrah!(Start to take Barnaby away. TOM TOMENTERS UP R.)

JillHi! Tom Tom, just in time!

Tom(Coming down C.)What for?

Barnaby(Rushing to Tom)To save me from the town pump! Stop'em, my boy, stop 'em, don't let 'em hurtyour future brother-in-law!

Tom(At C. laughing)What you? Which of my sisters had

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caught your miserly eye?

Barnaby(Ecstatically)It's Mary --willful, but entrancing Mary!

Tom(Derisively)YOU want to marry Contrary Mary? Youmight as well try to turn off the sun andblow out the stars!(All laugh)But let him go, friends, as a favor to me!We may be relatives yet.

(Goes down L.)Barnaby(L.C.)Ah! Then there's hope for me withContrary Mary?

TomNot a gleam, but some day, you may bemy uncle-in-law!

Barnaby(With pretended grief)If you mean my niece Jane? She andAlan are at the bottom of the sea.

TomI don't believe it!

Barnaby(Mopping eyes with handkerchief)They'll never come back to their broken-hearted Uncle Barnaby!(TOM TOM goes up stage)

JillAnd what's their broken-hearted UncleBarnaby going to do with their fortune?

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(CROWD again gathers around Barnaby)Barnaby(Hypocritically)I'm keeping it for them --the law forcesme to do tat.

JillTrust you to take good care of money.You skinflint! But you'll be wise if youtake better care to keep out of our wayhereafter. Now go! (They all jeer andthreaten him)

(BARNABY is chased off up R.)(He exits, followed by Jill & all)(TOM picks up his staff and bundle fromsteps of house. HILDA enters from houseleft.)HildaMaster Tom Tom where are you going?

Tom TomHilda, I'm going to find the girl I'm inlove with - Jane.

HildaOld Barnaby's niece? ---(Gonzorgo andRoderigo enter up right) But wasn't shelost at sea with her brother Alan?

TomOld Barnaby says so, and that's why Idon't believe it.

Gonzorgo(Dropping down to him)But me and my sad faced companion canprove it. We were the sole survivors ofthe wreck.

TomAnd who are you?

GonzorgoI was in charge of the ship, my name is

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Gonzorgo. (Pointing to Roderigo.) This ismy mate and friend to boot.

RoderigoYes, friend to boot!

GonzorgoWe swear by our right hands (They raiseleft hands) everyone was lost on the shipbut us.

HildaI don't think they're telling the truth!

TomNor do I! (Looking instantly at both ofthem) I remember seeing you two someplace before, where was it?

RoderigoYou don't by any chance go in for thethree B's do you?

GonzorgoYes, the three B's. Bridge, Bank Nite andBingo!

Tom(Pointing at Gonzorgo)I saw you at the Village Fair. You wererunning the carasel. And you offered towager you could pick the horse thatwould come in first.

Gonzorgo(Drawing sword)You can't accuse us of cheating, it musthave been two other scoundrels. Defendyourself!

(Attacks TOM, who parries with his staffand knocks Gon's sword from his hand asWIDOW PIPER ENTERS from the houseL.)Hilda(Running to her)

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Oh, Mrs. Piper, you're just in time!

Widow(Coming down C.)Tom, don't be rude to the gentleman!

Gonzorgo(Gallantly)Madam, is he your little boy?

WidowYes, he is the black sheep of our family --but I love him!

Gon.He can't be the white-haired boy and stilla black sheep.

RoderigoMaybe she's color blind.

GonBecause of that, I spare him.

(Picks up sword, TOM & HILDA GO UPSTAGE)WidowAccept the blessings of a lonely widow!

Gon.(Elbowing Roderigo away)Have you been lonely long?

WidowTwo years.

Roderigo(Pointing to Tom.)And have you only the white-hairedblack sheep to love?

WidowNo, he has 13 sisters and brothers whoneed a father's care.

Rod.

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That's a lot of work for one caretaker.

GonzorgoFourteen children! And - (Points tohouse) Is this where you call theConvention to order?

WidowYes, Mr. Piper left us very well off. Andthis is our cottage. (Gonzorgo andRoderigo look at each other)

Gonzorgo(Turns to Widow)I adore the country, don't you?

WidowI have to.

RoderigoWhy?

WidowDid you ever try to rent an apartment inthe City with 14 children?

Gonzorgo(Tenderly)And when the nestlings have all flownaway, have you ever thought of matingonce again?

WidowWell, of course I've had my moments.Will you gentlemen enter and partake ofsome refreshments?

Gon. & RoderigoWill we!? We will.

WidowI married once for money. If I wed again,it will have to be an artist, a poet, or ahero.

RoderigoI'm not an expert accountant, but did you

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say you had 14 children?

WidowYes, fourteen.

GonzorgoYour second husband would have to be ahero.

(The THREE EXEUNT into house left)Hilda(To Tom)I'll look for the children, Master Tom, andtell them you're going away.

TomThank you, Hilda. (HILDA exits up Left)

(BO PEEP enters right, dejectedly)TomWhy, sister Bo Peep, you have thesaddest face I've ever seen.

Bo PeepI missed most of the party, because I lostmy sheep.

TomThat's nothing for you to feel sheepishabout - don't cry, little Bo Peep, don't cry.

SONG #2.(TOM, BO PEEP, PIPER CHILDREN &CHORUS.)(During the song, JILL and OTHERPIPER CHILDREN ENTER)(After number)TomI've just found out why old Barnaby ispaying for this party.

AllWhy?

Tom

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He wants everybody on hand to hear hisengagement announcement.

Bo PeepEngagement? To whom?

TomContrary Mary.

Bo PeepOh, Mary hasn't gone and done a dreadfulthing like that?

TomNot yet. But mother's set on the match,and is going to announce the engagementanyway. (ALL express anger)

JillLet Barnaby keep his old party! I'm goingback to tidy up the stable! (Starts up L. toexit. Others stop her.)

Bo PeepParty! He can't buy us with lemonade andchocolate eclaires, can he girls?

AllNo! (JILL sits on stage down L.C.)

TomI hope all of you will keep out of troubletill I get back. (Starts up Right)

AllWhere are you going?

TomAway this very hour to look for Jane!

Miss Moffett(One of the Piper children) Do keep outof that awful forest! They say there's aveil in it filled with spiders.

TomI will, Little Miss Moffett, no spiders for

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you eh? I know how tough it was on thetuffet.

Miss Moffett(Shuddering) I don't like to see spiders.When you've seen one of them you'veseen them all.

TomWell I'm off on my hunt for Jane. Who'llgo as far as the turn of the road with me?(Starts up right)

AllAll of us!

(HILDA ENTERS from house left, withsmall package in hand)HildaWait, Master Tom, you mustn't go aroundthe world hungry. Here's a box ofsandwiches with jelly and pickle.

TomThank you, Hilda. And good-bye! Comealong, boys and girls. (EXITS with ALLexcept HILDA and Jill)

Hilda(Waving to Tom)Goodbye! Goodbye! Just think, he'sleaving his native home land. He'll belike a man without a country. What canbe worse than that!

JillNothing "except a country without aman".

HildaHe's going around the world to find hissweetheart. (JANE ENTERS up L. ingypsy boy's costume)

JillAnd everybody knows that Jane is under

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the ocean.

JaneEverybody except Jane!

HildaYou? It isn't you, is it?

JaneHilda, it simply can't be anybody else!

Hilda(Embracing her)Where's Alan?

JaneHe stopped to pin up a tear in his skirt.

JillSkirt?

JaneAfter the shipwreck, our clothes were intatters-- but we met a band of gypsies thatgave us what clothing they could spare.And we had to arrange it thus. (Indicatescostume)

Hilda(Pointing off L.)And here's Alan, a regular gypsy!

(ALAN ENTERS dressed as a gypsy girlwith tambourine swinging from waist.)AlanHilda and Jill! Would you know me?

HildaNever, Alan, if I hadn't been told.

AlanI am Floretta - until further notice--Floretta, the Fawn of the Forest.(Pirouettes)

Jane

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(To Hilda)How is our Uncle Barnaby?

Jill(At C)Your Uncle Barnaby is well.

Alan(Eagerly)And Contrary Mary?

Hilda(With meaning)Still waiting for a certain young man tocome back from being drowned.

JaneWhere's Tom Tom?

Hilda(Goes up R)Just started to find you. Quick! If hehasn't gone too far, we can catch him!(Points off R)

JaneDon't go away, Alan, and look out for theWidow Piper. Remember you're not toopopular, with Mary's mother. Hilda andJill, let's hurry! (HILDA, JILL & JANEEXEUNT quickly up right)

(THE WIDOW PIPER ENTERS FROMhouse)AlanAh. here you are now!...I mean, do youwant your palm read?

WidowA gypsy! Yes I will have my fortune told.Can you tell fortunes?

AlanBetter than an income tax collector. Ipeek into the future at 25 cents a peek.

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(WIDOW gives Alan money)

WidowThere, peek for me!

Alan(Looks at her hand)Your name is Piper! You've had anunfortunate marriage.

WidowCan you tell that by the lines in my hand?

AlanNo, by the lines under your eyes. Yourhusband is dead. He was not veryhandsome, he had A. & P. eyes. One eyefaced the Atlantic and one eye faced thePacific. You have a daughter namedMary. She should marry a young manwhose name begins with A. He has alovely character, is charming, gifted andattractive.

WidowIf you're talking about a wretched,no-account young fool named Alan,you're all wrong.

AlanNo, I am -- that is he is -a character everyone could love. I'd even love himmyself,-- that is, if I knew him.

WidowI don't think this is such a very goodreading.

AlanI could do better with tea leaves....if youcould bring me a cup of tea....and perhapssome hot biscuits...I also read the futureby hot buttered biscuits.

WidowGo ahead, Gypsy, and tell me more about

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myself. (Gonzorgo enters from house.) Ihave two suitors - which shall I marry?

AlanI must see them first. (Widow points toGonzorgo)

WidowThere is one!

AlanWell, if that is one, I'd advise you to takethe other.

GonzorgoWhat have we here, a gypsy?

WidowYes. Let her read your hand.

Gonzorgo(To Alan)I give you my hand, to find out if she-(Indicating widow) Will give me herhand.

AlanBut first you must take off your glove.

Gon.I'm not wearing gloves, my hands aresunburned.

Alan(Examining his hand)Yes, expecially the palms. (Looks inhand) Oh, I can't go on! After you've hadyour hands read will your face be red!

GonzorgoI know you see there a mad love anddevotion.

AlanYes, I can see you returning home atnight and this lady with her fourteen

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children, waiting to greet you on the frontporch.

GonzorgoYes...

AlanYes, and your present wife and tripletswaiting for you on the back porch!

WidowGonzorgo! You! You are married?

GonzorgoWell, yes, and no!

WidowMake up your mind!

AlanHe has a wife. And his wife's feet arealways so tired, her toes want to turn in!

GonzorgoIt's false. (To Widow) Dost doubtGonzorgo?

WidowI dost.

Alan(To Gonzorgo)She dosts, and the sooner you dust thebetter.

Widow(To Alan)You don't know what a service you'vedone me, you've torn the mask from hisface. Thank you so much, thank you somuch, Floretta, the Fawn! (EXITS INTOHOUSE)

Gonzorgo(Turning to Alan)So, you are the Fawn! --Well, there goes

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my deer and my doe! You are a gypsywith the accent on the gyp. (EXITS intohouse)

AlanNot bad, for the Fawn of the forest.(Pirouettes)

(HILDA & JANE enter up R)Jane(To Alan)We couldn't find Tom Tom.

HildaIf you need any clothes the children haveplenty to spare. (Female chorus begins toenters) (JANE remains on)

Alan(to Hilda)Get me some boys togs. I feel it would bewell for Floretta to vanish. (HILDAEXITS into house L.)

1st GirlA gypsy!

2nd GirlPerhaps a fortune-teller!

1st GirlDo you tell fortunes?

AlanDo I? It was destined by the stars that Iwas to be a fortune- teller. My father wasborn under the sign of the crab, and I wasborn under the sign of the bull. I can tellyou everything except the size of theNational debt.

SONG: #3."FLORETTA"(ALAN and singing CHORUS all exeuntafter song)

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(EIGHT DANDIES ENTER RIGHT.)1st DandyI don't see anything of her anywhere.

2nd DandyContrary Mary always works at hergarden at this house. (HILDA enters fromhouse)

1st DandyIs Miss Mary at home?

HildaNo, she's at school. She's taking a coursein domestic silence.

2nd DandyYou mean domestic science.

HildaNo, she's going to cooking school.

1st DandyWe merely dropped in to inquire abouther garden.

HildaIt's doing very well, thank you.

(BO PEEP AND OTHER PIPERCHILDREN ENTER)Bo PeepOh, look, aren't you Mary's Beaux?

AllWe are!

HildaThere's quite a crowd to see Mary.

(MARY ENTERS)MaryAnd I just love crowds!

All the BeauxMary!

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MaryI'm glad to see you all collectively. Won'tyou make yourselves at home?

1st BeauxMary, is it true that you are going tomarry?

MaryOf course I'm going to marry....

AllOh!

MaryThat is - some day! I don't know when orto whom!

2nd BeauCan't you make a choice now?

1st BeauYes, each one of us is proposing to you.

MaryI'll consider your offer. But here's what Iexpect from the man I could really love.

SONG: #4.(Cho. of Dandies and Children, andDance)(All exeunt on number except MARY.Enter BARNABY up right with largebouquet.)Barnaby(Tendering bouquet)Here, pretty one, is a bunch of prettyblosoms, and I only wish they were aspretty as you.

Mary(Takes bouquet indifferently)Thank you.

BarnabyI've hidden a tender little note in that

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bouquet. I'll go away and let it speak forme. (Goes R)

MaryOh, say it yourelf, and have it over with!

Barnaby(Pulling bench on R)Sit down. (They sit on bench) Don't becruel, Mary. Won't you marry me? (Takesher hand) I know the bloom is no longeron my cheek---

Mary(Withdrawing hand)Pardon me, but there's nothing wrongwith your cheek.

Barnaby(Angrily, rises)You may be treating me this way in thehopes that Alan will come back andmarry you. Take my word for it, you'llnever see him again.

Mary(Throws bouquet away)How I wish I could say the same of you.(GONZORGO and RODERIGO enterfrom house)

BarnabyHere's proof! The very men in whosetender care I placed my niece andnephew. Now do you believe me?

MaryI'll neither believe you nor marry you!(Starts toward house) Not if you were thelast man on earth! Not if you gave mesteam yachts - castles, or the richestjewelry. My foot is down! That foot -- theother foot -- both feet! (Exits into house)

Gonzorgo

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Well, are you ready to settle with yoursilent partners?

BarnabyI don't understand you.

Gonzorgo(To him)You can hear us, even if we are yoursilent partners. And here's what we wantto broadcast to you. How about ourcontract to get rid of your niece andnephew?

BarnabyWhat have you done with Jane and Alan?

GonzorgoThey are now playing harps with SaintPete and his golden Gaters. (Roderigosobs) We chartered an old dilapidatedschooner and we lured Alan and Jane onboard, we told them it was the show boat.(Roderigo sobs) The boat was an olddilapidated wreck that we christened"Static". We knew the schooner wouldsoon be under the foam. (Roderigo sobs)The weather bureau said it would be clearweather but we knew they were wrong asusual. Soon it began to rain - it rainedcats and dogs, - I know because I steppedin several poodles. (Roderigo sobs) Weknew if the storm struck -- the waveswould strike -- and the crew would go ona sit-down strike. Well, IT did - - they did-- and we did. Down went the hull of theShip. (Roderigo sobs)

RoderigoYou mean the whole of the ship.

GonzorgoHull or whole- what is a littlepronunciation among friends? The shipsank! And everyone but us two are nowsleeping on the ocean bed with oysters as

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pillows.(Barnaby suddenly begins to sob)What are you crying for?

BarnabyI've seen the last of my little charges.

GonzorgoAnd now you'll see the first of ours.(Presents bills)

BarnabyA bill?

GonzorgoMy little charges for disposing of yourlittle charges.

(Hands bill to Barnaby)Barnaby(Reading it)500 dollars!?

RoderigoFor scuttling one ship.

BarnabyWhat part of it did you do?

RoderigoI was 1st vice-president in charge of thescuttle department.

BarnabyFollow me down to my office, I am themanager of the T.C.N.P.U. --FinanceCompany. There is much money in myvault.

GonzorgoThe T.C.N.P.U. finance company? Whatdoes the T.C.N.P.U. stand for?

BarnabyThey Can Never Pay Up!

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(All three exeunt right)(JANE & ALAN ENTER in schoolchildren's dress, from house.)AlanRemember Jane, when we meet Mary,two is company, and three - is aconference.

JaneDon't worry. I know when I'm notwanted. (Sees bouquet left by Barnaby.Picks it up) What a pretty bouquet!(Sniffs at it) M'm. How sweet! (Hands itto Alan)

Alan(Sniffing bouquet)Wonder where it came from. What's this?(Takes card from heart of bouquet) Acard. (Glances at it)

JaneWhat is it?

Alan(Throws bouquet away angrily, readscard)"To darling Mary". "From her futurehusband."

JaneOh, Alan! In your absence have you beenjilted?

AlanI'll never speak to her again!

Mary(Backing in from house and calling off)I won't dress for the party, I won't! Iwon't!

Alan(Signals to Jane, who exits)

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(Mary turns sees Alan)

MaryAlan!

AlanOh Mary! (With a sudden change ofmanner) How do you do, Miss Piper?

Mary(Stiffly)Very well, thank you. Don't you think weneed rain?

AlanYes--a change. Some people can't getalong with change. (Pointing to bench)Won't you sit down?

MaryThank you. (They sit stiffly)

AlanI haven't seen you for some time.

MaryYou've been away, haven't you?

AlanHave you really noticed it?

MaryIt just occurred to me.

AlanIt's a warm day.

MaryWhat?

AlanChilly, isn't it?

MaryVery. (Archly) I think I need somethingaround me. (Repeats louder) I think Ineed something around me.

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Alan(Coldly)I heard what you said. (Slides to otherend of bench)

MaryAlan, I don't understand such behavior.

AlanBetter ask your future husband to explainit!

MaryMy future husband? Who is he?

AlanWho is he? Is this a guessing contest?

MaryWhat do you mean? (Rises - going L.C.)

AlanYou're somebody's darling, an old man'sdarling, perhaps a nice lovely old manwith millions!

MaryOh, don't you think you're smart?

AlanThere's my reason. (Shows card he hastaken from bouquet)

MaryIt isn't so! I don't know who wrote this,and you're just horrid to believe it!

AlanI've got to believe my eyes.

MaryYou believe your eyes before you believeme? Then I've found you out in time. Younever loved me--and--don't you dare toever speak to me again!

Alan

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Good-bye, forever!

MaryGood-bye, forever! (Neither moves)

AlanI heard what you said.

MaryOh, did you? Well, this time it is goodbyeforever! And when I say forever I meandefinitely! Goodbye! (Looks at Alan,exits into house.)

(JANE enters up L.)JaneWhat did Mary do to you, Alan?

AlanShe didn't do anything to me, but sheloves somebody else. I'm going to takemy part of the fortune Uncle Barnaby iskeeping for us, and go far far away!

JaneI'll get my money from him too, and I'llgo with you.

AlanWhere?

JaneI don't know, don't you?

AlanLet's get a map and stick a pin in it, andwhever the pin sticks, we'll go!

JaneI've got a pin. (Producing one)

AlanI have one too. (Produces another)

(BARNABY ENTERS RIGHT)(Barnaby sees them, is startled)Barnaby

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What is this--why--?

JaneWe're glad to see you.

AlanAnd we want our money.

Barnaby(Recoiling)Ghosts, they can't be alive, ghosts!! Takethem away!

AlanWill you pay us our money?

BarnabyNo, no, you are dead. Go away! Ghosts!

AlanWe'll show you how alive we are. Presentarms! (He and Jane draw pins.) Attack!(They start after Barnaby with pins andhe runs in terror and exits)

(As they chase him off BLACK OUT)(As in original or Alan & Jane remain onas Barnaby rushes off)JaneWe almost stuck him for the money. Areyou still going to travel?

AlanYes. Although we'll be homeless roverson the highway.

(They sing)CHORUSBoth:We're too little trailersTrailing aroundAnd no parking space any place have wefound.Without any definite home.We're two birds of passage -

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Where can we light?And where is the nest - we can rest forthe night?But it's all right wherever we're boundTwo trailers just trailing around.

(LIGHTS DIMMER DOWN on them andChange to Scene II)CHANGE OF SCENE

ACT I:SCENE II: Garden well(Alex or Etc.)

(GONZORGO & RODERIGO enterright.)RoderigoWas that the widow Piper who slammedthe door in our faces?

GonzorgoYes, it was. Thanks to that gypsy, whatwas her name gypsy --?

RoderigoGypsy Rose Lee.

GonzorgoNo, no, she was a gypsy Fawn. Not agypsy Bear (bare).

(ENTER BARNABY LEFT)RoderigoHave you brought our pay?

BarnabyPay? You haven't earned it yet. Jane andAlan have returned.

GonzorgoAlive?

BarnabyPainfully so!

Gon.

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They suspect...

BarnabyNothing. They think it was all anaccident. While they still trust us we musttry again to -to remove them.

RoderigoHow?

BarnabyI've told them I bought a new countryhouse while they were away, and you twomust take them there tonight, but the roadto it leads thru the Spider's Forest.(They exchange knowing glance)Business detains me in the village. In thedepth of the forest you will accidentallylose the children.

RoderigoIt's a deadly place. I've heard of it.

BarnabyAlive with dangers--small chance thechildren will ever come out of it.

GonzorgoBut will we?

BarnabyI don't think so. (Gonzorgo and Roderigo,together)

Gon. & Rod.What!

Barnaby(Correcting self)I don't think so many dangers arethere....that is, for you.

GonzorgoBut when we have carried out thedesigns, we expect to be paid in cash.

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RoderigoYes, it's strictly a cash and carryproposition.

BarnabyDon't worry about the money, I'll fetchthe children here, and remembereverything is on the q.t.

(EXITS)(GONZORGO and RODERIGO tog. inrhythm)Gon & Rod.On the Q.T. On the Q.T.If we get our dough- re- mi--Only so fa -for the doughRay me fa so la si do!

(They do DANCE OFF.)(OR SPECIALTY DANCE)(BOY BLUE looks cautiously over thegarden well.)Boy BlueCome on, the lawn is empty. (BO PEEPlooks over the wall)

Bo PeepHurry up Mary, now's your chance!!

(MARY looks over wall)Boy BlueDo you know where you're going?

MaryAs far from old Barnaby as I can get.And if I never come back, you can havemy Shirley Temple doll.

Bo PeepOh, don't talk that way!

(Mary climbs down the wall assisted bythe vine and boy BLUE and Bo Peep)Boy Blue

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Careful -slowly--there you are!

MaryHand down my baggage, please.(They hand her a canary bird cage withbird in it; a shopping bag, a big musicroll; a camera, and a little pink parasol)Goodbye! Goodbye!

Boy Blue and Bo PeepGoodbye!

MaryBoy Blue, you won't forget to feed theguinea pigs?

Boy BlueI promise!

MaryGoodbye! And don't forget to give somelittle pieces of cheese to my little mice,Mickey and Minnie. And take care of myDonald Duck. (starts to go. Rushes backagain) Oh...oh...I forgot!

AllWhat?

MaryMy overshoes! (They hand the overshoesto her. MARY EXITS L. to general chorusof goodbyes)

Bo PeepTom Tom and Mary gone in one day!Mother will be pleased!

SimonThere she is, coming in the front waywith the children.

Bo PeepNot a word! (After "not a word")

SimonHere comes somebody! (All start to

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dodge down.) (Bo Peep stays)

(JANE ENTERS R)Bo PeepOh, it's only Jane!

JaneOnly me. Where are the rest of thechildren?

Boy BlueGetting ready for school.

Bo PeepI just despise it. Why, I'd rather getmarried than to go to school. (Leaveswall)

JaneWhere are you all now?

SimonStill in the primary. It's the nastyarithmetic that's keeping us back. Look atthose sums we've got for today. (Dropsbook to Jane) Where the leaf is turneddown.

JaneOh, these are easy.

Red Riding HoodCome on boys and girls, Jane is going todo our sums for us!(Sits on wall other Piper children do thesame)I can't do that sum!

(JANE and all)SONG NO. 7. or 7-a."I CAN'T DO THAT SUM". Jane andEnsemble. Children.(JANE EXITS ON NUMBER.)(ALL EXIT on number)Barnaby

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Now, Alan, my boy, you're going to mynew home with Jane-- (ENTERGONZORGO AND RODERIGO L) --andthese friends of mine.

AlanHere's Jane, I'll tell her. (JANERE-ENTERS R) Jane, we're going toUncle Barnaby's new home!

JaneWhere is it?

AlanA little journey, and these fellows are totake us. (Indicates Gon. and Rod.)

BarnabyThey'll see you safely there, and I'llfollow.

AlanWe're ready. And tomorrow I want myshare of my fortune!

JaneMe, too!

BarnabyWe'll tend to that when you see me in themorning.

Jane(Looking at Gon and Rod)If those men had long beards--

AlanI know. You'd think they were the villainswho lured us on the boat.

GonzorgoIt wasn't us. I wouldn't harm a hair inanyone's head -- not even Joe Louis'.

RoderigoAnd I have an alibi. See my laywers,O'Brien, O'Rafferty, O'Reilly, and

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O'Cohen. (THEY take Jane and Alan'sarms, Jane and Alan together)

Jane & AlanGood-bye! Goodbye!

(JANE ALAN GONZORGO &RODERIGO Exeunt left)BarnabyAnd you will never see me again.Goodbye. Goodbye. Forever!

DARK CHANGE:

SCENE III Spider's Forest.Specialty with Animal number. To openscene, (Possibly the kitchen pirates)ENTER JANE & ALAN.AlanRest here. This is a good place. (Leadingher to mouth of Bear's den)

JaneThere's a spider's web.

AlanWith a white moth in it.

JanePoor thing! -as badly tangled up in thatweb as we are in these woods! Do set itfree. (Alan releases the moth)

AlanThere it goes, flying for dear life.(Looking about) I wish we could fly too!

JaneI wish we could, for I can't walk!

AlanThen we'll rest a while. (Sits beside Jane)Try to sleep a bit.

Jane

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I'm too frightened.

Alan(Badly scared)Frightened! Ha, ha! What's that?

JaneI don't know. (Pointing off) What's that?

AlanNothing at all. Don't worry I'm here toprotect you! Come, let's go over here andtake a little nap.

JaneYes, I'm so, so tired!

Alan(Leading her off to one side)Yes, yes, we'll take a little sleep.(They lie down)Sleep, sleep...a little peaceful sleep.

JaneGoodnight!

AlanGoodnight!

(They doze off.)BUTTERFLY BALLET: END OF ACT I.

BABES IN TOYLANDACT II-----ACT II:SCENE: The Christmas Tree Grove inToyland.TOYLAND FAIR WALTZ:and Chorus:(At the end of the number Barnaby andWidow Piper enter from arch up L.C.HILDA from down R)Barnaby

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(To Hilda)Mary's in Toyland, I'm sure of that, andwe'll not go home again till we find her.

WidowA fine dance she has lead us for threeweeks!

Barnaby(Sentimentally)A love-chase for me.

WidowNever mind, we'll make her Mrs.Barnaby yet.

BarnabyWith the aid of Isnpector Marmaduke!

HildaWho's he?

(MARMADUKE enters from arch, unseenby others)BarnabyThe leading detective of Toyland.

Marmaduke(Melodramatically)You have sent for Marmaduke and he ishere!

BarnabyCan you find Contrary Mary?

MarmadukeYou have sent for me because you cannotfind her yourself!

Widow(To Hilda)He's a regular mind-reader!

BarnabyDo you think you can run her down?

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Marmaduke(With dignity)A well-bred detective never runs a ladydown.

WidowMary was the apple of my eye. She haslips like cherries and cheeks like peaches.

Marmaduke(Writing in note-book) Wanted--a femalewith a face like a fruit store. Would youlike to take her dead or alive?

BarnabyAlive for choice. She's to be my wife,you know.

MarmadukeMust she marry you?

Barnaby & WidowShe must!

Marmaduke(Going L.) And does she know it?

Barnaby & WidowShe does.

MarmadukeWe'll begin with looking in the river.

(Exit down L. with Widow and Barnaby)(TOMTOM ENTERS from arch)TomAh, Hilda!

HildaTom Tom! (They embrace) My, but yourMa's mad at you and Mary!

Tom(Surprised)Where is mother? Not here in Toyland?

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HildaHere with your brothers and sisters andold Barnaby.

TomDon't say you've seen me.

HildaNever fear.

TomI'm employed as Court Crier to the CourtRoyal, and Mary is a doll's dressmaker atthe Master Toymaker's workshop, underthe name of Mlle. Elisette.

HildaWho's the Master Toymaker?

TomA great person here. He sets the fashionin dolls and toys for all the world.

HildaBarnaby has just engaged InspectorMarmaduke to hunt for Mary.

TomFollow me, we'll go to her and warn her!(BOTH EXEUNT up L.)

(MARMADUKE re-enters down R)(JAKE and ALAN enter from arch)MarmadukeStrangers! Where did you come from?

AlanWe know where we come from, but wedon't where we've got to. We were lost ina forest at our home, and after manyadventures, reached a strange sea coast. Apassing vessel brought us here, and wedon't care how soon another takes usaway.

Marmaduke

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This is Toyland.

Alan(To Marmaduke)Toyland? Were you made in Germany orConnecticut?

Marmaduke(Indignantly) I'm not a dummy. I'm adetective.

AlanWhat's the difference?

MarmadukeDo you know Contrary Mary, I'm lookingfor her? (JAKE & ALAN nod) Tell mewhat she wore the last time you saw her.

(Produces note book)JaneA blue and white polka-dot dress.

MarmadukeAh, a clue!

AlanYou'll be sure to find her now.

MarmadukeWhy?

AlanA polka-dot dress is always spotted.

MarmadukeBah!

JaneIf I could only find Tom Tom, I wouldn'tcare.(To Marmaduke)Do you know Tom Tom?

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MarmadukeIs it anything like Contract?

JaneNo, he's a young man - very veryhandsome...and he has the grandest eyesand teeth and the most sensitive ears --

MarmadukeI'm not in the least interested.

JaneOf course everybody doesn't call himTom Tom.

AlanNo, especially those who don't know him.

JaneHis family name was Piper, so tostrangers he is Mr. Piper, but he is veryvery handsome, and he has the grandesteyes and teeth, and the most sensitiveears.

MarmadukeBut I haven't sensitive ears. (Rushes offunder arch.)

(GIRLS BEGIN TO ENTER DURINGpreceding speech)JaneWait, I want to tell you more about TomTom.

1st Girl(Looking at Jane and Alan)My dear, what fine looking things theparade has brought to town!

2nd GirlWhat perfect frights, they must havefallen out of the moon.

1st GirlTell us where you came from?

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JaneFirst, I want to find out something aboutthe place I am in! Pardon me while I gosight seeing! (EXITS down R)

1st GirlAnd who are you?

AlanI'm nothing yet, but when I grow up, Iwant to be a radio star.

1st GirlWhat could you do on the radio?

AlanI could be Uncle Don Crosby. That'ssomething new, isn't it? Giving advice tothe children in song form.

1st GirlYou mean a sort of lullaby?

AlanYes, just what!

SONG ALAN AND CHORUS: "ROCK ABYE BABY"(Alan and others exeunt on number)(PIPER CHILDREN ENTER from L. sideof stage, they are playfully pulling themaster toymaker after them, each childdrags or carries on a toy. Possible dancehere with BABY DOLLS...or a cakewalk)ToymakerThere! There! You have me quite out ofbreath, my dears. I must rest a moment.

(Sits on large toy block, which two of thechildren place C. for him)Bo PeepWhen we find Mother, she'll pay you forthese lovely play- things.

ToymakerThere's nothing to pay. I am the world's

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master toymaker and I want to give thesetoys to you. Just a little rememberance inthe heart of a child is more to me thananything else in the world.

(A general murmur "Thank you" etc)Bo PeepHaven't you any little boys and girls ofyour own?

ToymakerNo. That's why I'm free to love allchildren, and to try and make them loveme.

Red Hiding HoodDo you make toys that talk?

ToymakerAye, talk and walk and do everything butthink. I can give them everything but asoul, and some day I may give them eventhat.(He reads the underlined phrase, sotragically, that all the children shrinkfrom him. Noticing their notion heimmediately returns to his amiablemanner)But I must go. I have work to do.(To Children)Come to my work-shop, and see all theother toys that I have there.(EXITS down L. ENTER WIDOW fromarch)

WidowAh here are my angels!

Bo PeepSee what the Master Toymaker has givenus. (Children show toys, BARNABYenters up L., holding TOMTOM by thewrist)

Barnaby

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Here's Tom-Tom. Just caught him in thecrowd. (Cries of "Hello Tom Tom","Hello, brother", from the children)

WidowNaughty boy, where's your sister?

Tom(Defiantly)I don't know. I don't know anything abouther.

BarnabyTell the truth, you rascal! You ran awaytogether.

TomNo, we didn't. I don't know where Maryis at all!

Widow(To children)Come, all of you, look for her. Scatterand be quick about it! Tom tom, you gowith us. (WIDOW EXITS quickly withTOM TOM)

Barnaby(To children)Hurry up! Find your sister! Be off withyou!

Bo PeepFind her for you? Not much.

(The children rush off stage; JILLremains on the stage playing with the dollthe Toymaker gave her, BARNABY turnsand sees JILL busy with doll, sitting onthe stage down R)Barnaby(Sharply)Jill, why don't you do as you're told?(Sneeringly) Precious Pet-mother'sownest! Just wait till I'M your brother-

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in-law!

Jill(Guying him)I could faint with joy at the prospect!

BarnabyBadness, where do you expect to gowhen you die?

JillIf it's any place where you ain't, I'll behappy.

Barnaby(Shaking his cane at her)(Furiously) If you were only mine! How Icould box your ears! if you were onlymine!

Jill(With mock sentiment)It's hopeless! I can never be yours!(Barnaby seizes Jill's doll, strikes it, thenkicks it about the stage) Help! Help! Alady's being struck -give me my doll!

(GRUMIO ENTERS at top of runwayover arch. Hears Jill's cries, stumblesand rolls down runway to stage)Grumio(Picking up doll and facing Barnaby)Hold! How dare you strike a helplessfemale in the face!

JillBless you! You have saved my child!(Faints in Grumio's arms)

BarnabyYou'll hear from me later. (EXITS angrilyunder arch)

Grumio(Calling after him) Yes, do write, even if

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it's just a post-card. Courage, beautifulstranger--your child has only lost an ear.

JillMy name is Jill. What's yours?

GrumioGrumio. I'm the Master Toymaker'sapprentice. What do you do?

JillOh, I live a life of leisure, but I'm goingto leave society and go to work. PerhapsI'll even be on relief.

GrumioI had trouble at home too. Mother kept abutler, who objected to my wearing hisevening clothes.

JillBut didn't you ever have any otherambitions?

GrumioYes, I wanted to be a politician. It's theonly business where you can sit downand run at the same time!

JillIs there any chance of landing a job here.

GrumioCome to my master's workshop. They'reshorthanded there and I can get you aplace.

JillCan you fix my doll there?

Grumio(Holding doll so sawdust pours out) Yes,better hurry up, she may have a sawdusthemmorhage.

JillWhat'll you charge?

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GrumioMy charge will be just one kiss.

JillAll right, you send the bill to mother.

GrumioBut after I've seen mother's face, I maynot want to collect it. Give me one kissand I'll be satisfied.

JillNo.

GrumioYou won't give me one kiss.

JillYes, but you won't be satisified.

(HE starts to kiss her)(Pantomine) - (Possibly a dancespeciality.)(He is just about to kiss her, but enter theWIDOW and Barnaby.)WidowBrute!(Leads Jill down stage grasping her bythe ear, and Barnaby chases Grumio offstage thru arch.)You're too young to be kissing strangers!

JillI just wanted to find out what a kiss was.

WidowA kiss is nothing divided by two.

Widow(Contd)You got that kissing idea from themovies...from now on you'll see nothingbut travelogues.

(Leads JILL off Left.)

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Toymaker(Enters with MAN reading document.)You may report to me in the toyshop, inan hour!

Barnaby(ENTERS from arch.)(To Toymaker) You're the King-pin of allthe toymakers, I've heard. I'd like to hireyou to make a few toys for me.

ToymakerAh, then you love the children too?

BarnabyOh, I simply dote on them!

ToymakerWhat would you like me to make forthem?

BarnabyA lot of dangerous toys. Toys that a childwould eagerly accept. That would destroythem, and even kill them, in some cleverway. (JANE ENTERS under arch,overhears)

ToymakerWhy do you hate the children so bitterly?

BarnabyMy late sister left her two viciousbad-tempered children Alan and Jane forme to look after. What a life they've ledme! Even their fortune, which will bemine in another week, could hardly repayme for the trouble they have caused me.

ToymakerAre they dead?

BarnabyYes, they were lost in the forest, I've seenthe last of them!(JANE exits silently)

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A thousand dollars, if you'll take theorder. Twelve hundred! Fifteen hundred!

ToymakerNo, no!

BarnabyEighteen hundred!

ToymakerNo, no, don't tempt me. Eighteen hundreddollars for toys, that would kill anddestroy!

(Starts off L.)BarnabyI'll make it two thousand dollars! Just letme see you alone in your work shop, andwe'll close the bargain. (BOTH EXEUNTL)

(JANE and ALAN enter under arch muchexcited)AlanAnd if we're not home in a week, UncleBarnaby gets our fortune!

JaneYes, that's what I heard him say!

AlanNow I understand Uncle Barnaby now Iknow him. He's as easy to see thru as acellophane wrapper.

JaneI'm sure he had us lost in the woods.

AlanAnd lost at sea the same way. Oh, he'sbeen playing a losing game with everyway.

JaneWe must get home--we haven't a penny,what's to be done?

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AlanOr, who's to be done?

JaneFirst let us change these clothes. Nobodyelse in Toyland dresses like this, andUncle Barnaby will surely hear about us.

AlanThat's a risk we can't afford. We mustshift our wardrobe, but how?

(JILL ENTERS L)JillCan it be? Alan and Jane!

JaneJill!

JillAnd a runaway just like you two!

AlanI hope you've run away with a tailor!

JaneOr a dressmaker.

JillNeither, but I've just been engaged todress the dolls at the Master Toymaker's.

AlanDo you think you could find anythingthere to fit us? We don't want to becaptured.

JillPerhaps, some of the Toymaker's dollsare nearly as big as you.

JaneWhere are they?

Jill(Melodramatically)Follow me! (The three exeunt under

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arch)

(BO PEEP & BOY BLUE ENTERUNDER ARCH)(Other Piper Children re-enter)Bo PeepI wonder what's become of MAry?

Boy BlueMaybe she's married a title, and has hadto go to work to support him.

(MARY ENTERS under arch with smallmilliner's box under arm)Bo Peep, Boy Blue etc.It's Mary!

(General embrace)Bo PeepWhat in the world are you doing inToyland? (MARMADUKE ENTERSunder arch)

MaryOh, I'm making dolls for the masterToymaker! and my alias is Mam'sellElisette.

MarmadukeHold in the name of the law! Stand upwhere you are! Hold, I say!

Mary(Ignoring Marmaduke, coming down withthe group)I want to hear all the news from home.Are all the guinea pigs well, and how isthe new donkey?

MarmadukeI am here!

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Mary(Looking over her shoulder)But you're not the one I was speaking of.

MarmadukeListen to me for a moment! Do any ofyou know a girl named Mary? Don'tanswer if it may incriminate you.

MaryWho are you?

MarmadukeI am the world's most famous inspector!

MaryWhat of boilers?

MarmadukeNo, of the police! Describe ContraryMary to me.

MaryShe has long bobbed hair, a lovelyspeaking voice, but very loud. And shecries so much her cheeks are streamlined.

Marmaduke(Taking notes) Complexion?

MaryFair. Just fair, and I believe at that I'mexaggerating.

MarmadukeHow was she dressed when you saw herlast?

MaryShe was wearing a white fish net overblack satin.... the satin was white at onetime. The neck line was high with aFreddie Bartholomew collar...The backwas low, sweet and lo, - there were littlecream puff sleeves... with blue ribbon onthe side...

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MarmadukeI don't believe --

MaryThe dress was straight to the knees,where it was gored by 8 champagneinserts to give it a waltz swing...a sort ofChampagne Waltz!

MarmadukeI don't believe I'm getting anywhere....butI am getting anywhere--anywhere awayfrom you! (Dashes off under arch)

Bo PeepWell, you certainly tired him out!

MaryYou don't know how glad I am to see youall, but I wish Tom Tom were here....

Boy BlueAnd what about Alan? Don't you misshim?

MaryOf course I do. Oh, if you only knew howheavy my heart is.

SONG: MARY.(Mary and Children exeunt on number)(GRUMIO enters from arch, carrying thehead of a toy captain)GrumioThe toy captain is busted, and now theparade is spoiled.

(JILL enters L.)JillWhat's the matter, Grumio?

Grumio(Pointing to head) I'll be put in jail forthis. This was the wooden soldier thatwas to head the wooden regiment he

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presents to the City today... I had chargeon him, and when I went to wind him up,I found someone had stolen his clothes.Let me find out who did it! That's all!

Jill(Melodramatically)Twas I Grumio! (Falls on knees)

GrumioYou?

JillStrike and avenge yourself! I took theclothes to help two old friends...

GrumioAh! To help old friends you ruin me! Begone, female, and leave me to the sorrowyou have brought upon me! (Throws herto the ground and steps over her)

(JANE & ALAN enter in the dollcostumes and exchange surprised glancesand military salutes with the other two)Alan(Noting Grumio's red hair)(Aside to Jane) Looks like a bottle ofChili sauce. (Aloud) Who are you?

GrumioThe Toymaker's apprentice, who isresponsible for the toys that you havebroken. (Points to wooden captain'sbroken head)

AlanThe wooden captain? (To Jill) The toy Ibroke when I took these clothes off ofhim!

GrumioThe same. It's time for the parade, but Ican't start without the wooden captain.

Alan

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Well, I can't do without his clothes.

Grumio(With sudden inspiration) Then by theway of paying for them, you might leadthe parade yourself.

Alan(Surprised)What - me?

GrumioThat will get me out of the trouble thatyou have got me into. Do you think youcould act like a toy soldier?

Jane(To Alan)Of course -- just be yourself.

AlanJane, I'll lead the parade, and you canlook for Tom Tom.

JaneI'm sure Tom Tom isn't here.

Alan(To Grumio)One word more, my one cylinder brainedfriend! If I get you out of this trouble,will you help us to get out of the country?

GrumioCome to the work shop after the parade,and I'll arrange it!

Jane and AlanHow?

GrumioLeave that to me! Just join the woodengrenadiers, they're ready to march!

Alan(Takes Jane's hand)

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Come on, we're off! (Exeunt up Left)

(BUGLE CALL.)JillOh, the parade must have started.

GrumioCome with me and I'll get you a seat inthe reviewing stand!

(JILL and GRUMIO exeunt)THE TOY MARCH(Big number and dance and black cut andchange to Street scene.)------------

ACT II:SCENE II STREET SCENE:Roderigo enters left with GONZORGO.RoderigoIt's a cold world, Gonzorgo; unlesssomething turns up, I shall worry myselfinto a stew.

GonzorgoWorry yourself into two stews if possible-one for me!

RoderigoIs it true what the gypsy said, are youmarried now?

GonzorgoNo, my wife passed away a year ago. Thelight of my life has gone, but I'd like tostrike another match!

RoderigoAnd here comes a possible flame! It's theWidow Piper.

GonzorgoMy woodland fllower!--

Roderigo

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Why do you call her a woodland flower?

GonzorgoShe'll grow wild, if someone doesn'tcultivate her!

Widow(Entering right)Have you seen anything of a young ladywho answers to the name of Mary?

Roderigo(Tenderly)You--Bernice?

Gonzorgo(Tenderly)Infatuated girl, why have you followedme here?

Widow(Recognizing them)Oh, Master Barnaby's friends!

RoderigoFate has mixed us up again.

Widow(To Gonzorgo)Have you forgotten what Floretta, theFawn of the Forest told me? You aremarried!

Gonzorgo'Tis false, you are the only girl I everloved. Don't seek further for a husband!

WidowFind my daughter Mary for me and Ishall consider it!

GonzorgoWhat is she like?

WidowShe's only 15, very pretty, and very

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brainy. Here's a description of her writtenon this paper. Find her and you may belucky! (EXITS)

Gonzorgo(To Roderigo)If you were a young girl very pretty andvery brainy, what would you do?

RoderigoI'd enter a beauty contest.

GonzorgoNo, I said brainy. Brains! But if she isgoing to marry old Barnaby, you coulduse her for a blue print to make an idiot!

RoderigoYes, old Barnaby is 45, and she's only 15.He's three times as old.

GonzorgoYes and in five years he'll be fifty andshe'll be 20, then he'll only be two and ahalf times as old.

RoderigoYes and in 15 years he'll be sixty andshe'll be thirty then he'll only be twice asold!

GonzorgoHow long will she have to wait beforethey become the same age?

Roderigo(Reading from the paper)The paper says she left with someoneelse. It reads, "The missing twain". Say,what does twain mean?

GonzorgoTwain, it means two!

RoderigoWhat?

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GonzorgoTwo -two! Twain!

RoderigoYou're too old to be talking baby talk!

GonzorgoMy dear Watson, this is a very bafflingcase.

RoderigoDon't you know a good solution?

GonzorgoYes, boracic acid, that's a good solution.Now the girl has been stolen by somedesperate criminial, now let's bothconcentrate. Who is the worst criminalyou know?

Rod. & Gon.(Point at each other)You!!

Marmaduke(ENTERS) Hold! I'm searching forContrary Mary! Taking you at your facevalue, you're both under arrest!

GonzorgoYou can't arrest us, we've just beenappointed detectives. I appointed him.

Roderigo(Indicating Gonzorgo)And I appointed him!

MarmadukeI will now give you the third degree!

GonzorgoOh good, we're going to join a lodge!

MarmadukeHave you ever committed any crimes?

Rod. & Gon.

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No! We swear it by our right hands.(They raise their left hands)

Marmaduke(Producing bottle)This is truth serum wine! The liquid liedetector, quaff of it and you will tell thetruth.(Hands it to Roderigo)You drink!

RoderigoI'm as honest as (Drinks) --as the bestbank robber and confidence man. How Ilaughed when I sold people shares in aHidden Treasure....

Marmaduke(To Gonzorgo)And you, you drink!

GonzorgoYou doubt my honor.(Drinks)Wow! I am the king of larceny andarsony. And crooked slot machines!

MarmadukeTwo very desperate cases! What wasyour most serious crime?

RoderigoI worked for the EUREKA GET RICHQUICK COMPANY. I sold lotterytickets!

GonzorgoAnd I sold Stock for the Wild Cat goldmine. I worked for the Eureka, Get RichQuick company.

MarmadukeYou are master criminals! (Takes bottle)Here's to crime! (Takes drink) ...I was

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THE EUREKA GET RICH QUICKCOMPANY!

BLACK OUT:(Or exit of Marmaduke, and DANCESPECIALTY FOR Gon. and Rod.)BLACK OUT:-----------

SCENE III The Master Toymaker'stoyshop.WORKMEN discovered:TOM TOM enters from door L.C.TomThanks to that friendly vine next to myprison windows, I am free! (Turns toworkman.) I have a summons for theMaster Toymaker from the court Royal!

WorkmanYou'll find him inside.

TomBut I do not know him what does he looklike?

WorkmanYou don't know the master toymaker?You must be a new-comer in Toyland!

TomI am. But my father came here when Iwas a lad, and many times he talkedabout it.

WorkmanThere is much to talk about here!

TomI remember he had many fond memoriesof Toyland!

NUMBER:TOYLAND:Tom-tom and MALE CHORUS;

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(Or as vocal number)(Enter Toymaker from door L.)ToymakerWell, what can I do for you? Looking fora pretty toy?

Tom(Indignantly)Sir! Do I look as though I came from thenursery? (Hands Toymaker document) Asummons from the Court Royal to themaster Toymaker.

Toymaker(Looking at paper) Ah, yes. Say to thePrefect I'll be on hand at the appointedtime. Now, run along, little boy! (TOMTOM EXITS L.C.) Max, the bill for thetoys we shipped today.

Max(Handing bill)The consignment is ready, sir!

ToymakerPut the goods on board at once! Thecaptain sends word he sails immediately.

(MAX and Workman exit R. and L.C.)(Toymaker left on stage. Bus. Placespaper on the mantel-piece and goes backto the table, watches the last characteroff R. Hurriedly closes door, returns totable, pours contents from phial intolarge flask with left hand; leaving righthand free to work switch after exhibitionof sparks.)Toymaker(Calls)Grumio!

Grumio(Entering) Yes, sir!

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ToymakerThe secret I have sought for years stillmocks me. A thousand times have Isought to find the element that makes thecharm complete. Within this crystal glass,there dwells a score of demon spiritsdrawn by spells and incantations. There,there, is the charm that will give medominion over the souls of evil! That Imay bid them enter the toys andmannikins.(Works flask again, JILL enters rightduring his motion)

Jill(Aside)This has nothing to do with toy makingI'm sure! I must find out the secret!(Conceals herself, in cabinet up R.)

(A KNOCK L.C. Toymaker withoutturning)ToymakerCome in! (GRUMIO ENTERS L.C.FOLLOWED BY TWO MEN. One carrieswine cask, the other a table with cheese,cookies, etc.)

GrumioHere's a cask of wine sent you by an oldgentleman named Barnaby!

Toymaker(Rising, going right) Put it down, I'm inno mood for it right now! (EXITS R.)(MEN places articles and exeunt)

GrumioI can never do anything right! (Takescookie) I'm bewitched like the place.They say it's haunted! It does seemhorrible, Maybe a little drink will steadymy nerves! (Taps the wine cask and takesa drink) This place isn't half bad at that!(Takes 2nd drink) No, sir, this place is all

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right! (Candle drops) Ghosts! Spirits! I'dbetter get some spirits to fight this!(Other business follows, causingadditional fright) (JILL enters fromcabinet) Am I seeing things?

JillI'm not a thing, you remember me, I'mJill!

GrumioOh, yes, two Jills make one pint, twopints make on drunk, ...

JillYou're intoxicated.

GrumioDon't talk like that, girls!

JillGirls?

GrumioMy mistake, I've had a couple of drinks.

JillTwo drinks, and I'm girls! If you had 5drinks I'd be quintuplets!

GrumioYou don't like me, do you?

JillIn spite of your faults, I think you're thetops!

GrumioI must be the top, my head is stillspinning. But come, my Princess, it isgay tonight in Vienna - there is music,wine and waltzing. Will you waltz withme?

JillNo - but if you'll come out of Vienna - Imight dance with you.

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(DANCING SPECIALTY, or THEY Waltzto an exit)(WORKMEN enter with TOYMAKER)ToymakerWhat's this? Men, clear away the ruin.The scamp has been at the wine!(Examines articles on the table, as if theyhave been damaged. MEN exit afterclearing stage.) (BARNABY looks in atL.C.)

BarnabyHere I am according to appointment.(Coming down) Have you thought overmy offer?

ToymakerFor toys that will maim and injurechildren?

BarnabySomething tells me you would put yourwhole heart into the work.

Toymaker(Sneeringly) Your liberality would callfor that much interest.

BarnabyYour final answer?

Toymaker(Taking him Center) What would you sayto a doll with the spirit of a fiendcontrolling it? Would it not be a daintygift for a child one dislikes?

BarnabyA doll with the soul of a demon, a masterthought!

(He grasps Toymaker's hand)ToymakerCome back in the twilight, in the intervalI'll experiment again. (Indicates table

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left)

BarnabyI pray for your success. (EXITS L.C.)

Grumio(ENTERS feigning exhaustion)

ToymakerAha! You scoundrel, you drank my wine,didn't you?

GrumioNo, sir, I was just testing it for you! Thecaptain of the ship wants to see you onboard at once!

Toymaker(Impatiently) What about?

GrumioIt's something about the cargo you'resending.

ToymakerVery well! And when I return call myattention to the fact that you are to bedischarged. (EXITS.)

GrumioYes, sir. (Going quickly to door R.) Bringthe wrappings, Jill! You men bring thesecrates! .....Alan and Jane will travel instyle!... (Men bring in 2 packing boxes,exeunt) (ALAN & JANE ENTER L.C.)

AlanHow about us? How are you going to getus out of the country, your ship sails in anhour.

GrumioYou go as freight.

AlanYou mean as dolls?

Grumio

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You'll be taken on board the ship, that'sbound for your country in those.(Indicting crates)

AlanBe sure we're marked fragile, this sideup!

JaneAnd I hope I'm sent F.O.B. Free ofbumps!

AlanJane, take care of yourself!

Jane(Steps into open crate)

GrumioSo far, so good!

(MARY enters just before Grumio can getdown into crate)MaryGrumio, I want you to run out and matchthis sample.

Alan(Aside)It's Mary!

Mary(Giving Grumio bit of ribbon)Quickly, please, four yards. Bring it backat once.

Grumio(Going reluctantly) That doll's all right.(Points to Alan) You needn't bother abouthim, Mam'selle.

MaryHurry! Hurry! (Grumio exits L.C.) (Marylooks at Alan, starts violently) Only awooden dummy with no sense and yet he

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reminds me so much of Alan! (Turnsright)

Alan(Aside)In this game I am the dummy!

Mary(Looking at Alan)Poor boy, it's very like him. I couldalmost imagine we were alone together. Ifhe's meant for an officer, he needssomething to show his rank. (Goes towork table and gets properties)Shall I sew them on? No, it would bequicker and safer to nail them on hischest.(Looks on table for tacks and hammer)I might nail on a few yards of fresh goldbraid while it's on my mind.

Alan(Aside)Your mind, oh, don't mind me!

MaryThis will do, and this- (Tries medals onAlan's coat) Dear, dear, but you are likeAlan! (Angrily) I wish you were, that'sall! To believe that I'd forget you for sucha creature as Barnaby! Will I ever see youagain? Oh Alan where are you now, Iwonder! (Turns away)

Alan(Aside)So, you're wondering too!

MaryWill you ever come back and say "MaryI'm dreadfully sorry I was all wrong?"And you know what I would do, I wouldembrace you, Alan! (Embracesm him)

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Alan(Slowly embraces her)(She is surprised and startled)

MaryWhy, what is the matter with thismachine? It must be out of order! (tries tobreak away)

AlanMary!

MaryIt is you, Alan, after all!

AlanAnd now you say something like I'llforgive you Alan.

MaryI do, I do!

AlanAnd I'll say Mary I was dreadfully sorry,I was all wrong. Because you knew allthe time...

MaryYes, I knew all the time that you lovedme.

AlanOh, Mary! (Puts arms around her.)

SONG. NUMBER ALAN & MARY:(After number)MaryBut Alan, you in this costume,--whatdoes it mean?

AlanIt means that Grumio is going to ship ushome as dolls on a boat that sails in anhour or two!

Mary

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In that case, where is Jane?

Alan(Pointing to crate)In that case!

Toymaker(ENTERS L.C. Alan resumes a toyattitude) Getting that toy ready forshipment?

MaryYes, sir.

ToymakerSomething wrong with his machinery.(ALAN moves his hand automatically) I'llattend to that before he goes to Siberia.

Alan(Aside)Sibera!

(MAN enters with marking pot and brush,used for marking packing cases)Mary(Alarmed)Oh, he doesn't go to Siberia, he's billedto--to--

Toymaker(To working man) Cross out the addresson those crates, and write these.(Handing workman also a slip of paper)Send that to his Majesty, the Sultan ofBeejumbo! It's going to be a surprise forthe Sultan's harem!

Alan(Aside)Ah, a harem!

MaryPardon me, sir, but aren't you gettingthem mixed? (Points to Alan)

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Alan(Aside)Oh no, he isn't getting them mixed.

ToymakerSo I am. It's the Dutch Doll that goes tothe Sultan. (Points to Jane's crate, andworkman paints new address on it)

Mary(Touching Alan)This one is broken.

ToymakerThere's time to fix him. He goes bycaravan tomorrow. He's bound forKalamazooskie, Eastern Siberia.

Alan(Aside)Kalamazooskie sounds like a long wayfrom home.

ToymakerHis uniform needs something.

Alan(Aside)If I'm going to Siberia, I need anovercoat.

MaryBut he can't be fixed inside of a week,and the Dutch Doll isn't all right, either.(Points to Jane's crate)

ToymakerWhat's the matter with her?

MaryShe needs a new face.

Alan(Aside)I'm glad Jane can't hear that.

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MaryYou can't send those wax faces to hotcountries. They melt. She ought to have awooden head like this. (Raps Alan'shead) (Bus. Alan)

ToymakerOh I'll take the risk of sending that doll toBeejumbo.(Two workingmen enter.)(To men)Put that box on the ship that sails for thefar East.(MEN carry Jane's crate off)(Pantomines business by ALAN)And as for that doll,(Indicating Alan)Within the hour, Max shall have hisworks spread upon the table!(EXITS L.)

AlanHe's not going to give me the works!

MaryHere's a dreadful fix, how is Jane goingto get out of it?(CRASH OFF STAGE L.C.)What's that?

AlanThat's Jane always crashing in someplace where she's not wanted.

MaryWe must help her. I'll run and see what Ican do! (EXITS L.C.)

AlanI'll find Grumio. Where are you Grumio,Grumio, Grumio? (Door L.3. opens,ALAN assumes toy pose, TOYMAKER

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enters L.3., goes to table, turns and lookstowards flask)

ToymakerNow once more to seek the missingelement! It will give me dominion overthe souls of evil! (Works switch, the glowappears) The light! The light! Can it beat last success!! (Turns to flash again andcries in ecstasy) I triumph! I triumph!!(Smokes appears.) The spirits of evil Ibid you enter the forms I have fashionedin human shape! (TOY figures move onstage) It is true at last I have found thespell at last. They turn to me, theirmaster! Fiends, all the fiends! (Turns toAlan) Speak, speak, you live!

AlanUndo your work, before it is too late!

ToymakerThere is gratitude, I give you humanform, I take you from the gloom, and youreproach me!

AlanTake care, these things have only murderin their hearts.

(The dolls take threatening attitudes)ToymakerI do not fear them.

AlanLook there! (Pointing to doll whoapproaches Toymaker with knife)

Toymaker(Turning quickly) Ah! (Doll retreats. Amurmur of defiance from the others. Heshows terror) Obey, or else I'll send yoursouls back to the abyss from which Ibrought them.

AlanYou've lost. You gave them life to hate

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and slay and kill. And you will be theirfirst victim!

ToymakerNo! No! No!

AlanYour commands are vain! (Dolls advanceto attack Toymaker.)

AlanStop, stop, I say!

FINALE:(NOTE: POSSIBLE DANCE MACABREUSED HERE.)(The dolls kill the Toymaker and escape)(Alan left with the Toymaker, tries torevive him)(Barnaby enters, and accuses Alan ofkilling Toymaker)(He summons Reoderigo and Gonzorgo.)(THEY carry the Toymaker off at signalfrom Barnaby. Left alone, Barnaby showshis delight at his success of schemesagainst Alan. The dolls appear armedwith clubs, broomsticks etc. and they fallupon Barnaby, and gives him a soundbeating, he howls for mercy, (see score) -on the curtain falls)END OF ACT II.

BABES IN TOYLANDACT III------ACT IIISCENE: Court yard of the palace ofJustice.Opening March.Tom Tom, Piper children, lady and maleadvocates. Populace on stage at opening.March of Court officials.

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Tom Tom(On steps R)Hear ye! Hear ye! If one Master Alan beamong ye, he is for the last timesummoned to appear before the CourtRoyal to say why he shall not becondemned to die!

Bo-PeepWhat has Master Alan done?

TomHe is said to have slain the MasterToymaker. After his arrest he escaped.

Boy BlueWas he alone guilty?

TomMany believe the Toymaker was killedby a band of strange beings who wereseen rushing from the shop. The policecan find no trace of them.

(Chorus exits to repeat of March. TOMTOM joins children)Bo PeepOh, Tom Tom, how did Alan get himselfin such a scrape?

TomI don't know. But it's very serious.

Riding HoodCan we do anything to help him?

TomHelp him in his flight, if you meet him.(ENTER JANE)

JaneTom Tom!

TomJane! where in the world have you been?

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(THEY embrace)JaneAll over looking for you.

TomAnd I've been doing the same! What alucky day!

JaneFor us, but not for Alan.

TomPoor fellow, he is in trouble. Any news ofhim?

JaneNone. Contrary Mary is with him andthey're trying to get out of Toylandtogether!

TomWithout passports that will be hard to do.

JaneWho accuses him of the Toymaker'sdeath?

TomOnly your uncle Barnaby!

JaneThe wicked old man! He's taken ourmoney, now he wants our lives!

TomThe Toymaker was the King's favoritesubject. He has ordered the Court Royalto convict him without a hearing. But Imust go. The Court is in session!

JaneI will await you at the courthouse. Youwon't be long?

TomI'll count the minutes til I'm with you. I'mso glad I have you again. (Jane throws a

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kiss to him and exits.)

SONG NO. Tom. "MY CASTLE INSPAIN"(Tom Tom exits end of song)(After song ALAN, GRUMIO, JILL andMARY enter up R. ALAN is in comedydisguise, whiskers etc)AlanSo far all right, nobody recognizes mydisguise.

MaryYou can't blame them.

JillYou don't look a bit like the policedescription.

AlanNo-one ever does.

MaryNow for the last obstacle, the passports.

GrumioThere's the office, but the passport clerkis busy. You'll have to wait a fewminutes.

AlanRemember both of you, if anybodyquestions you about us, you're to bedumb!

JillWe'll just be our own natural selves.(Joins Grumio, they exeunt left) (UNCLEBARNABY ENTERS unseen at back left,recognizes Mary and Alan)

MaryIf we get safely out of Toyland, whereshall we go? (Barnaby exits R. at back)

Alan

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To our home first. Then we'll get marriedand go abroad.

MaryWhere?

AlanTo a far away country that Jane and Ivisited after our shipwreck.

MaryIs the country you're talking about a niceone for -- for young married people?

AlanWhen young people marry they go to aplace that's usually called Maple Heights.Because it's surrounded by willow trees.

MaryWillow trees? We could plant a bed ofonions right next to them and haveweeping willows.

AlanIt's called the heights because it's on aprairie.

MaryI know the place, the renting agents saysit's five minutes from the station... that isif you travel by aeroplace.

AlanThen a kind business man builds them asemi-colonial cottage on weeklypayments. And after you've been marriedforty years then the Bond and Mortgagecompany takes it over.

MaryAnd I suppose they fall in love just as wedo, and they exchange all sorts ofbeautiful vows.

AlanBefore marriage?

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MaryAnd after?

AlanIt's quite the same as here andeverywhere else.

SONG: "BEFORE AND AFTER":(Dialogue after 1st verse)AlanSo you're keeping a budget? All I broughtin the last year was one necktie. You haveordered 14 dresses, four pairs of shoes,one squirrel coat, without consulting ne.

MaryWell, I have to wear them don't I?

AlanYes but I have to pay for them, don't I?

MaryNo, you don't. I haven't asked you for asingle cent for a whole year. I have hadeverything charged.

(Dialogue after 2nd verse)MaryHow many times have I asked you not toread the newspaper at the breakfasttable!?

AlanWhat else is there around hereinteresting?

MaryYou never dared speak to me like thatbefore we were married.

AlanWell, before we were married you nevercame down to breakfast looking the wayyou do!

Mary

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Mother always said you were a brute. Oh,why did I ever marry you?

AlanSo you're beginning to wonder too?

(Dialogue after 3rd verse.)(Lights down. Then Alan and girldiscovered at right of stage)GirlSo your wife is always quarrelling withyou?

AlanYes, every time I go out, she accuses meplaying cards with my friends.

GirlIt was nice of you to take your secretaryout, have a few cocktails and then godancing...but how will you explain it toyour wife?

AlanThere's only one way out of it - and thatis to tell her the truth! Goodnight!

(LIGHTS OUT. Then Alan discovered atleft with his wife)MaryAnd where have you been?

AlanMy dear I'm going to tell you the truth. Iwanted a little relaxation, so I took mysecretary out and we had some cocktails,and then we went to a night club.

MaryDon't you try to fool me. You've beenplaying cards again!

(Slaps his face)(ALAN & MARY EXEUNT after song)(BARNABY ENTERS.)

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(He reads from paper)BarnabySo Alan objects to being tried by a courtof nine judges? And he petitions to askfor an appointment of fifteen. He doesn'trealize it's unconstitutional.

(MARY ENTERS)Mary(Seeing Barnaby)Oh, it's you, is it?

Barnaby(Sneeringly)It's a fine morning for a wedding,Mistress Mary.

MaryWhose wedding?

BarnabyOurs. I'll be short and sweet with you,Mistress Mary! There's a marriage bureaunext to the court-room-- (Points off) andwe'll be married there at once, or...

MaryOr what?

BarnabyI'll hand Alan over! (Pointing L.) He's inthere. I know his disguise. In a momentthe Court Royal will condemn him forkilling the Toymaker.

MaryYou wouldn't betray him?

Barnaby(Snivelling)It's my duty! He has disgraced the family.He's an assassin! But for your sweet sakeI'll let him escape.(Mary tries to break away)

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No, you won't warn him.(GONZORGO and RODERIGO dressedas executioners, with brazier, ropes,pincers, enter from court-room with largelegal document)What you have there?

GonzorgoA warrant to execute Alan, your scamp ofa nephew!

Barnaby(To Mary)You shall decide. Will you take his life,or my name?

MaryLet me see that warrant! (Reading)Rack--hot irons--pincers for my Alan!(Throws warrant aside)Is it is to save Alan, I'll agree. Take me tothe marriage bureau!

(Seizes Barnaby and rushes him offstage)(ENTER JANE R. PIPER ANDCHILDREN ON R. & L.)Miss Jane(Seeing Gon. and Rod)Why, when did you two start out asplumbers?

Gon.We're not plumbers, we're executioners.We know nothing about the business, itwas influence and this is a politicalappointment.

JaneYou look like you belong to the Blacklegion!

RodWe're amateurs at this rope business, but

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we'll soon get the hang of it!

(Exit Roderigo)JaneHas the court sent for you?

Gon.It has. We shall shortly fill our first order.

NOTE: (If you do not wish to do the song"We Won't Be Happy till he gets it". Andyou have no number to replace this, hereis the lyrics of a song which could be setto music, and beginning with 3-8dialogue would run:)JaneIt will be Alan. But you will be cursed ifyou do anything to hurt him.

GonzorgoCursed? Lady, we've been cursed by hardluck all our lives.

JaneYou don't know what hard luck is. I thinkone of my ancestors must have beenCalamity Jane!

SONG: Gonzorgo, Roderigo, and Jane"MEET ME ON THE HARD LUCKMOON".GonzorgoOh, ever since I was a kid no matter whatI said or did, You'd always find me in anawful boat,

RoderigoAnd every photograph of me off in thebackground you would see Somebodyalways leading off my goat.

GonzorgoI'm great big mister easy mark, and lifefor me has been no lark I'm quiteunhappy, sad as I can be.

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JaneGood luck for me has been real slow, andI have had my share of woe, Just like anundertaker's jubilee.

Chorus:Meet me under the hard luck moon,Down by the lemon tree.Where the blackbirds keep on singing,Hoodoo songs off key.Where skies are blue,And breezes sigh,In such a mournful tune,We'll have a grand old kill-joy time,Under the hard luck moon.

(All three dance with ENSEMBLE.)JaneIt will be Alan. Boys and girls, thiscoward will kill Alan. Don't let him.(Pipers threaten Gonzorgo)

SimonWe won't. We will never let you live todo this.

GonzorgoYoung man, don't you dare lay hands onan officer of the law!

JanePrepare a chair for him. (Gonzorgo isplaced on high chair) We are going tomake it warm for you.

Song: NUMBER:"HE WON'T BE HAPPY TILL HE GETSIT."(With possible Specialty of Gon, Rod. andJane.)(Jane and Pipers with Chorus. All exit atthe end of Number)(Enter Barnaby followed by Mary)BarnabyNow, Mrs. Barnaby, we'll hear your

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sweetheart's sentence.

MaryI've just heard mine. (ENTER ALAN withcrowd. Enter TOM TOM on stage ofhouse)

Tom(Reading from document)Hear ye! Hear ye! The Court Royalherewith finds the outlaw, Alan, guilty ofthe Master Toymaker's death and ordersthat he be executed in the mannerprescribed by law, when found....

BarnabyI'll do my duty as a good citizen and arelative as well. There is the criminal!

(Tears whiskers from Alan's face. Ageneral start and exclamation)AlanWho is this villain?

BarnabyYour unhappy uncle! Take him, he hasdisgraced me enough. Now, let thesentence be carried out.

TomWait!

AlanYes, wait!(To Barnaby)You give me back my whiskers!(Tries to seize them)

Tom(Reads)I have not finished. He shall be executedin the manner prescribed by the law whenfound--unless he takes advantage of thelaw which gives every condemned man

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the right to plead the benefit of widow."

Mary and AlanThe benefit of widow?

TomAn ancient law of Toyland, meant toassist deserving class of subjects.

AlanWhat is the benefit of widow?

TomAny widow, may claim a condemnedman for her second husband, and he shallbe free as long as he supports said widowand saves her from becoming a chargeupon the state.

AlanAnd may the victim choose the widow?

TomSome have preferred the gallows. Do youclaim the benefit?

Alan(Moves toward Mary)No, I'll die rather than marry anybody butContrary Mary.

Barnaby(Grinning)If you mean Mrs. Barnaby, you're a littlebit late.

Alan(Astonished)You? Mrs. Barnaby?

MaryAlan, he recognized you, but he swore tolet you escape if I married him at once!

AlanI'll plead that benefit. Bring on your

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widows. I'll marry and live!

TomLet the court heralds summon the widowsof our city.

Mary(To Alan)Courage, somebody will surely chooseyou.

AlanIt's so undignified. I feel like a prize at agrab bag party.

TomDon't despair, old man, some widow willsurely find you worth taking.

Mary(Indignantly)You needn't speak of him as though hewere a marked down remnant.

AlanTo think that we're parted forever!

MaryNot forever. (Looking at Barnaby) Thejoyful day may soon arrive when they'llexpect me to wear crape for that!

AlanA joyful day indeed! I'll ride with you inthe first carriage, and on the way to thecemetary I'll propose to you!

BarnabyThen here's where I give up smoking andgo in for physical culture. As soon as I'veengaged places on the coach, my dear,we'll depart upon our honeymoon.(EXITS L. chuckling) Remember, thesentence will be carried out if a widowdoes not choose you in fifteen minutes.

Alan

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Don't worry. I'm liable to be killed in therush! (EXIT CHORUS)

TomI'll hurry them along. (EXITS UP R)

AlanAll right. Tell the widows I'm the latestthing in imported husbands!

MaryAlan, will you do me a teeny-weenyfavor? As you've got to marry in order tolive, I wish you'd marry to please me.

AlanHow can I marry somebody else to pleaseyou?

MaryDon't marry anybody who'll make youforget me.

SONG. NO.(If required)(If used or not used then continue)MaryBut remember, if a dashing widow shouldclaim you, don't accept.

AlanNo.

MaryBut if one with a bad temper, and asqueaky voice should claim you, it wouldmake me feel very restful.

AlanHow about me, I need a little rest myself.

MaryEvery time you looked at her, I knowyou'd think of me!

(TOM TOM ENTERS RIGHT)

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TomThe merry widows are here, althoughthey are not all so merry.

MaryAre they pretty?

TomThey're a group of dreams.

MaryI'll leave you. Remember, nothingattractive, nothing that will take me fromyour thoughts! For one second. (EXITS L)

(To a strain of MUSIC the WIDOWSENTER.)TomHere they are, my boy! Now turn on yourbest personality.

AlanIf they're going to propose to me, I won'tknow what to say, except this is all sosudden.

TomDon't hesitate, girls. The one who speaksfirst gets him. (Xes into Courthouse.)

AlanWell, ladies, the auction bargain sale isgoing to begin. Here I am, the answer toany widow's prayer. Will anyone start offthe bidding. (Turns to first.) How aboutyou, lady?

1st Widow WomanDo you think that all marriages arehappy?

AlanAll marriages are happy, it's the livingtogether after marriage that causes all thetrouble.

1st Widow

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Before we were married, my husbandsaid he would die for me. And aftermarriage he was kind enough to do it!

AlanAh! Lady Dracula speaking! I hope Idon't get an offer from you.

2nd WidowMy next husband must be strong, silent,full of grit, -- able to bear the burden ofthe day! He will not hear a word saidabout me, and he will utter no unkindword.

AlanWhat you want is a deaf and dumb coalheaver!

3d WidowWhen I was married I didn't do as well asI expected. And to tell you the truth Idon't think he did either. I've beenmarried twice, but I think every widow'sentitled to her third.

AlanI think you're frank anyway, and youseem to have an even temper.

3d WidowYes, my temper's even, always the same--very nasty!

AlanI believe you're deliberately falsifying it.How did your last husband happen todie?--

3rd WidowOh, I suppose he thought it was the bestway out!

AlanI hope you don't claim me. (Turns to 4th)How about you, lady?

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4th WidowThe first month I was married, we livedin a bungalow, called "Ye Lovey DoveyCot"

AlanI suppose you changed that afterward to"Ye Battling Arena".

5th WidowMy husband was a dentist with a sense ofhumor. But he pulled too many goodones.

AlanHe must have been very easily tickled.

5th WidowYes, he was so ticklish, he couldn't touchhis ribs - he had to have themdry-cleaned. But he left me a largefortune.

AlanStep into my office, I want to talk to you.(Takes her aside.) (Converses pantomine)(Widows surround Alan, and he walks tosteps, they follow him)I'll take all your offers into consideration.And you may hear from me later. -- But Idoubt it. (EXITS into court house)

1st WidowThe trouble with you merry widows is,you make love in slow waltz time. You'dbetter all pop up and start to swing.

DANCE NUMBER BY MERRYWIDOWS.(THE MERRY WIDOW WALTZ played inswing-time)(This was done by Abe Lyman and PaulWhiteman and is very effective)(They dance to an exit)(TOM TOM ENTERS followed by Alan

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from court house)TomGone! Alan, the widows have gonewithout claiming you!

AlanGuess I didn't appear to be as advertised.(Gonzorgo and Roderigo enter up L)

Gon.(With pincers)Shall we proceed?

TomWait till I return. There's one morechance! (EXIT up R)

Gonzorgo(To Roderigo)(Aside) I wonder if he'll help us.

RoderigoTry him.

Gonzorgo(To Alan)We're in a very embarrassing position.

RoderigoAnd you only can save us from becomingperfectly ridiculous. When we start toexecute you, everybody is liable to laughat us.

AlanI won't!

GonzorgoIf they find we're not regularexecutioners, we'll lose the job.

AlanHow can I help you?

GonzorgoSince you've got to leave this cold, hard

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world, will you allow us to send you ourway? (Touching warrant) It'll be so muchpleasanter than this.

AlanI'll go your way.

RoderigoWise boy. Now what would you like inthe way of a farewell luncheon. It'll beyour very last. Have anything you like.

AlanI'd like a dish of strawberries.

Rod.But strawberries won't be in season for 6months!

AlanThat's all right, I'll wait.

Rod.No, now is your time. But I can give youa glass of strawberry wine.

Gon.With a dash of this in it.

(Shows black phial)Alan(Taking phial)Why, it's poison!

Rod.Four drops of that in your wine...

Gon.Just before you start for the scafford...

Rod.And you'll go into a dreadless sleep.

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AlanGo ahead! I haven't anything to lose.Except my life. (JUDGES, Attendants,widows chorus enter. Jane also)

JaneAlan, are you living yet?

AlanYes, but in a few minutes, I will be notyet. (TOM TOM ENTERS UP R. withWIDOW PIPER)

TomStop! Here's another widow! Mother,make Alan our step-father and save hislife!

Piper ChildrenGo ahead ma!

Widow PiperI can't. It's too late. I'm married.

TomMarried? You said you'd never marryanybody but a hare!

(ENTER MARMADUKE. HE GOES TOWIDOW)WidowAnd here he is!

MaryAnd what made him a hare?

WidowHe dined at a night club, and he dared togo without tipping the waiter. (BARNABYenters)

BarnabyNow, Mary my dear--what's this?

AlanThe end of your nephew.

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BarnabyToo bad, too bad. I'm very sorry. (ALLturn away from him) It was my duty. Ihad to do it. I really had to...Suchtreatment is hard to bear... (His eyes fallon the tray with the wine glass) Withouthelp. At such a time as this I needencouragement. (Taking glass, drains it)Oh! Oh!

(ALL turn. HE falls into the arms ofGonzrgo and Roderigo... who carry himoff stage)AllWhat's the matter?

AlanHe has drunk the wine that was intendedfor me.

(TOM TOM ENTERS)TomMrs. Barnaby you're a widow!

AllA widow?

TomExcessive grief has taken Uncle Barnabyfrom us.

MaryThen Alan is saved! I am a widow, andunder your laws I claim him as myhusband!

AlanMary!

FINALE.END OF PLAY.

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