Average Jones, A Novel by Samuel Hopkins Adams

8/10/2019 Average Jones, A Novel by Samuel Hopkins Adams

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other than contemt#"

"+nd now!" remar,ed Waldemar in his hea%&! rumbling %oice! "&ou

asire to disaoint that good old man#"

"4t's onl& human nature! &ou ,now!" said +%erage Jones# "When a man

uts a tenmilliondollar curse on &ou and suggests that &ou ha%en't

the bac,bone of a shrim! &ou&ou"

"naturall& &earn to ro%e him a liar!" sulied )ertram#

".xactl&# +n&wa&! 4'%e no taste for dissiation! either moral or

financial# 4 want action0 something to do# 4'm bored in this

infernal cit&#"

"The wail of the unsla,ed romanticist!" commented )ertram#

"*omanticist nothing6" rotested the other# "5& ambitions are

ractical enough if 4 could onl& get 'em stirred u#"

".xactl&# )oredom is siml& romanticism with a morningafter

thirst# 1ou're anting for romance! for something bi3arre# .g&t

and 2t# 7etersburg and )uenos +&res and 2amoa ha%e all become

commonlace to &ou# 1ou'%e o%erdone them# That's wh& &ou're bac,

here in New 1or, waiting with stretched ner%es for the +d%enture of

8ife to catcree u from behind and toss the lariat of rainbow

dreams o%er &our shoulders#"

Waldemar laughed# "Not a bad diagnosis# Wh& don't &ou ta,e u a

hobb&! 5r# Jones"

"What ,ind of a hobb&"

"+n& ,ind# The club is full of hobb&riders# /f all eole that 4

,now! the& ha%e the ,eenest aetite for life# 8oo, at old

9enechaud0 he was a misanthroe until he too, to gathering scarabs#

enton! o%er there! has the finest collection of circus osters in

the world# )ellerding's house is a museum of obsolete musical

instruments# 9e ;a& collects %enomous insects from all o%er the

world0 no harmless ones need al&# Terriberr& has a mania for oldrailroad tic,ets# 2ome are reall& %er& curious# 4'%e often wished

4 had the time to be a cran,# 4t's a ha& life#"

"What line would &ou choose" as,ed )ertram languidl&#

"Nobod& has gone in for queer ad%ertisements &et! 4 belie%e!"

relied the older man# "4f one could ta,e the time to follow them

ubut it would mean all one's leisure#"

"Would it be so demanding a career" said +%erage Jones! smiling#

"9ecidedl&# 4 once ,new a man who ga%e awa& twent& dollars dail& on

clues from the da&'s news# $e wasn't bored for lac, of occuation#"

")ut the ordinar& run of ad%ertising is nothing more than an effort



to sell something b& &elling in rint!" ob(ected +%erage Jones#

"4s it Well erhas &ou don't loo, in the right lace#"

Waldemar reached for the morning's co& of the <ni%ersal and ran his

e&e down the columns of "classified" matter# "$ar, to this!" he

said! and read:

"4s there an& wor, on ;od's green

earth for a man who has (ust got

to ha%e it"

"/r this:

"W+NT.9+ %enerable loo,ing man with

white beard and medical degree# ;ood

a& to right alicant#"

"What's that" as,ed +%erage Jones with awa,ened interest#

"/nl& a quac, medical concern loo,ing for a stall to imress their

comeons!" exlained Waldemar#

+%erage Jones leaned o%er to scan the aer in his turn#

"$ere's one!" said he! and read:

W+NT.97erformer on )flat trombone#

Can use at once# +l& with instrument!

after = # m# ?? .ast =??th 2treet#

"That seems ordinar& enough!" said Waldemar#

"What's it doing in a dail& aer There must beertechnical

ublicationser(ournals! &ou ,now! for this sort of demand#"

"When +%erage's words come slow! &ou'%e got him interested!"

commented )ertram# "2ure sign#"

"Ne%ertheless! he's right!" said Waldemar# "4t is rather mislaced#"

"$ow is this for one that sa&s what it means" said )ertram#

W+NT.9+t once! a brass howit3er and

a man who isn't afraid to handle it#

5rs# +nne Cullen! 7ier @A =B .ast *i%er#

"The woman who is fighting the barge combine!" exlained Waldemar#

"Not so good as it loo,s# 2he's bluffing#"

"+n&wa&! 4'd li,e a sh& at this business!" declared +%erage Jones

with sudden con%iction# "4t loo,s to me li,e something to do#"

"5a,e it a business! then!" ad%ised Waldemar# "4f &ou care reall&



to go in for it! m& newsaer would be glad to a& for information

such as &ou might collect# We ha%en't time! for examle! to trace

down fraudulent ad%ertisers# 4f &ou could start an enterrise of

that sort! &ou'd certainl& find it amusing! and! at times! erhas!

e%en ad%enturous#"

"4 wouldn't ,now how to establish it!" ob(ected +%erage Jones#

The newsaer owner drew a rough diagram on a sheet of aer and

filled it in with writing! crossing out and re%ising liberall&#

9i%ided! uon his attern! into lines! the final draft read:

$+-. 1/< )..N 2T<N;

Thousands ha%e#

Thousands will be#

The&'re 8a&ing for 1ou#

W$/The +d%ertising Croo,s#

+# J/N.2

+d-isor

Can 7rotect 1ou

+gainst Them#

)efore 2ending 1our

5one& Call on $im#

+d%ice on all 2ub(ects

Connected with Newsaer!

5aga3ine or 9isla& +d%ertising#

ree Consultation to

7ersons <nable to 7a&#

Call or Write! .nclosing

7ostage# This 4s /n The 8e%el#

"+d-isor6 9o &ou exect me to blight m& budding career b& a

oisonous un li,e that" demanded +%erage Jones with a wr& face#

"4t ma& be a oisonous un! but it's an arresting catchword!" said

Waldemar! unmo%ed# "2ingle column! about fift& lines will do it in

nice! oen st&le# Cas and lower case! and blac,faced t&e for the

name and title# 4nsert twice a wee, in e%er& New 1or, and )roo,l&n

aer#"

"4sn't itera little blatant" suggested )ertram! with lifted

e&ebrows#

")latant" reeated its in%entor# "4t's more than that# 4t's

howlingl& %ulgar# 4t's a riot of glaring &ellow# $ow else would&ou exect to catch the ublic"

"2uose! then! 4 do burst into flame to this effect" queried the

rosecti%e "+d-isor#" ".t ares as we roudl& sa& after sending



a wee, in 7aris#"

"+res /h! lent& of things# 1ou hire an office! a cler,! two

stenograhers and a cliing exort! and reare to ta,e care of the

wor, that comes in# 1ou'll be flooded!" romised Waldemar#

"+nd between times 4'm to go s,iing about! chasing long white

whis,ers and brass howit3ers and )flat trombones! 4 suose#"

"<ntil &ou get &our wor, s&stemati3ed &ou'll ha%e no time for

s,iing# Within six months! if &ou're not sandbagged or (ailed on

fa,e libel suits! &ou'll ha%e a unique bibliograh& of swindles#

Then 4'll begin to come and bu& &our ,nowledge to ,ee m& own

columns clean#"

The sea,er loo,ed u to meet the ga3e of an irongra& man with a

harsh! sallow face#

".xcuse m& interruting!" said the newcomer#

"Just one question! Waldemar# Who's going to be the nominee"

"8inder#"

"8inder 2urel& not6 Wh&! his name hasn't been heard#"

"4t will be#"

"$is ederal (ob"

"$e resigns in two wee,s#"

"$is record will ,ill him#"

"What record 1ou and 4 ,now he's a grafter# )ut can we ro%e

an&thing $is cler, has alwa&s handled all the mone&#"

"Wasn't there an old scandala woman case"' as,ed the questioner

%aguel&#

"That Washington man's wife Too old# 8inder would den& it flatl&!

and there would be no witnesses# The woman is dead,illed b& his

brutal treatment of her! the& sa&# )ut the whole thing was hushed

u at the time b& 8inder's ull! and when the husband threatened to

,ill him 8inder quietl& set a commissioner of insanit& on the case

and had the man ut awa&# $e's ne%er aeared since# No! that

wouldn't be oliticall& effecti%e#"

The gra& man nodded! and wal,ed awa&! musing#

".gbert! the traction boss!" exlained Waldemar# "We're generall&on oosite sides! but this time we're both against 8inder# .gbert

wants a cheaer man for ma&or# 4 want a straighter one# +nd 4 could

get him this &ear if 8inder wasn't so well fortified# $owe%er! to



get bac, to our ro(ect! 5r# Jones"

;et bac, to it the& did with such absortion that when the grou

bro,e u! se%eral hours later! +%erage Jones was committed! b& lan

and rote! to the new and hoeful ad%enture of 8ife#

4n the great human hunt which e%er has been and e%er shall be till

"the last bird flies into the last light"some call it business!some call it art! some call it lo%e! and a %er& few ,now it for what

it is! the %er& mainsring of existencethe ath of the ursuer and

the re& often run obscurel& arallel# What time the $onorable

William 8inder matured his designs on the ma&oralt&! +%erage Jones

sat in a suite of offices in +stor Court! a location which Waldemar

had ad%ised as being central! exensi%e! and insirational of

confidence! and considered! with a whirling brain! the minor woes of

humanit&# /ther eole's troubles had swarmed down uon him in

answer to his ad%ertised offer of hel! as sarrows floc, to

scattered bread crumbs# 5ostl& these were of the lesser order of

difficulties0 but for what he ga%e in ad%ice and hel the +d-isor too, a&ment in exerience and ,nowledge of human nature# 2till it

was the hard! honest stud&! and the helful toil which held him to

his tas,! rather than the romance and ad%enture which he had hoed

for and Waldemar had foretolduntil! in a quiet! street in

)roo,l&n! of which he had ne%er so much as heard! there befell that

which! first of man& e%ents! (ustified the rohetic Waldemar and

ga%e +%erage Jones a art in the greater drama of the metroolis#

The art& of the second art was the $onorable William 8inder#

5r#! 8inder sat at fi%e 7# m#! of an earl& summer da&! behind loc,

and bolt# The third floor front room of his ornate mansion on

)roo,l&n's 7ar, 2loe was dedicated to eaceful thought# 2rawled

in a huge and softl& uholstered chair at the window! he too, his

ease in his house# The chair had been a recent gift from an

anon&mous admirer whose olitical necessities! the $onorable 5r#

8inder idl& surmised! had not &et dri%en him to re%eal his identit&#

4ts occuant stretched his shoeless feet! as was his custom! uon

the broad windowsill! flooded b& the seasonable warmth of sunshine!

the while he considered the riening ma&oralt& situation# $e found

it highl& satisfactor&# 4n the language of his inner man! it was a

cinch#

)elow! in Dennard 2treet! a solitar& musician lodded# $is

ret3elshaed brass rested against his shoulder# $e aeared to be

the "scout" of one of those re%alent and melancholious ;erman

bands! which! under )roo,l&n's eas& ordinances! are ri%ileged to

draw echoes of the ast writhing from their forgotten recesses# The

man loo,ed slowl& about him as if arising otential returns# $is

gra%id glance encountered the rominent feet in the third stor&

window of the 8inder mansion! and rested# $e mo%ed forward#

/osite the window he aused# $e raised the mouthiece to his lis

and embar,ed on a erilous sea of notes from which the tutored ear might ha%e inferred that once oular ditt&! .g&t#

8o%e of music was not one of the $onorable William 8inder's

attributes# +n irascible temer was# /f all instruments the )flat



trombone ossesses the most ner%e(arring tone# The master of the

mansion leaed from his restful chair# Where his feet had

ornamented the coing his face now aeared# ar out he leaned! and

roared at the musician below# The brass throat blared bac, at him!

while the soloist! his e&es closed in the ecstas& of art! brought

the "%erse" art of his selection to an excruciating conclusion!

half a tone below itch# )efore the chorus there was a brief ause

for effect# 4n this ause! from 5r# 8inder's oen face a %oice fellli,e a falling star# +lthough it did not cr& ".xcelsior!" its

outut of %ocables might ha%e been mista,en! b& a casual ear! for

that clarion call# What the $onorable 5r# 8inder actuall& shouted

was:

";etthehelloutofhere6"

The erformer uturned a mild and %acant face# "What &ou sa&" he

inquired in a softl& Teutonic accent#

The $onorable William 8inder made urgent gestures! li,e a bra,eman#

";o awa&6 5o%e on6"

The musician smiled reassuringl&#

"4 got alread& aid for this!" he exlained#

< went the brass to his lis again# The tonal stairwa& which leads

u to the chorus of .g&t rose in rasing wailfulness# 4t

culminated in an excessi%e! unendurable! bra3en shrie,and the

$onorable William 8inder exerienced uon the undefended rear of his

erson the most %iolent ,ic, of a lifetime not alwa&s de%oted to the

arts of eace# 4t ro(ected him clear of the windowsill# $is last

sensible %ision was the face of the musician! the mouth absurdl&

hollow and ursed abo%e the suddenl& remo%ed mouthiece# Then an

awning interceted the olitician's flight# $e assed through this!

enetrated a second and similar stretch of can%as shading the next

window below! and la& lacid on his own front stes with three ribs

ca%ed in and a %ariegated fracture of the collarbone# )& the time

the descent was ended the ;erman musician had tuc,ed his brass under

his arm and was hurr&ing! in anic! down the street! his ears stillringing with the concussion which had blown the angr& householder

from his own front window# $e was interceted b& a running

oliceman#

"Where was the exlosion" demanded the officer#

".xlosion 4 hear a noise in the larch house on the corner!"

relied the musician dull&#

The oliceman grabbed his arm# "Come along bac,# 1ou fer a

witness6 Come on0 &ou an' &er horn#"

"4t iss not a horn!" exlained the ;erman atientl&! "'it iss a

)flat trombone#"



+long with se%eral million other readers! +%erage Jones followed the

8inder "bomb outrage" through the scandali3ed headlines of the

local ress# The eretrator! declared the excited (ournals! had

been s,ilful# No clue was left# The exlosion had ta,en care of

that# The olice Ewith the characteristic stuidit& of a cors of

former truc,dri%ers and bartenders! decorated with brass buttons

and shields and without further qualification dubbed "detecti%es"F

%acillated from theor& to theor&# Their utt&andasteboardfantasies did not long sur%i%e the $onorable William 8inder's return

to consciousness and coherence# +n "inside (ob!" the& had said#

The door was loc,ed and bolted! 5r# 8inder declared! and there was

no ossible lace for an intruder to conceal himself# Cloc,wor,!

then#

"$ow would an& human being guess what time to set it for!" demanded

the olitician in disgust! "when 4 ne%er ,now! m&self! where 4'm

going to be at an& gi%en hour of an& gi%en da&"

"Then that 9utch hornla&er threw the bomb!" roounded the head of the "9etecti%e )ureau" onderousl&#

"/f course0 tossed it right u! three stories! and ,et la&ing his

infernal trombone with the other hand all the time# 1ou ought to be

carr&ing a hod6"

Ne%ertheless! the olice hung tenaciousl& to the theor& that the

musician was in%ol%ed! chiefl& because the& had nothing else to hang

to# The exlosion bad been %er& locali3ed! the room not generall&

wrec,ed0 but the chair which seemed to be the center of disturbance!

and from which the $onorable William 8inder had risen (ust in time

to sa%e his life! was blown to ieces! and a ortion of the floor

beneath it was much shattered# The force of the exlosion had been

from abo%e the floor downward0 not u through the flooring# +s to

murderousl& inclined foes! 5r# 8inder disclaimed ,nowledge of an&#

The notion that the trombonist had gi%en a signal he derided as an

"/ld 2leuth iedream#"

+s time went on and "clues" came to nothing! the olice had no

greater concern than quietl& to forget! according to custom! a

roblem be&ond their limited owers# With the release of the ;ermanmusician! who was found to be simleminded to the %erge of

halfwittedness! ublic interest waned! and the case faded out of

current rint#

+%erage Jones! who was much occuied with a air of blac,mailers

oerating through fa,ed hotograhs! about that time! had almost

forgotten the 8inder case! when! one da&! a month after the

exlosion! Waldemar droed in at the +stor Court offices# $e found

a changed Jones0 much thinner and "finer" than when! eight wee,s

before! he had embar,ed on his new career! at the newsaer owner's

instance# The &oung man's color was less ronounced! and his e&es!though alert and eager! showed rings under them#

"1ou ha%e found the wor, interesting! 4 ta,e it!" remar,ed the



%isitor#

"*aather!" drawled +%erage Jones areciati%el&#

"That was a good initial effort! running down the oium ill

mailorder enterrise#"

"4t was simle enough as soon as 4 saw the catchword in the 'Wanted'line#"

"+n&thing is eas& to a man who sees!" returned the older man

sententiousl&# "The oen e&e of the oen mindthat has more to do

with real detecti%e wor, than all the deduction and induction and

anal&sis e%er de%ised#"

"4t is the detecti%e art that interests me most in the game! but 4

ha%en't had much of it! &et# 1ou ha%en't run across an& romising

ads latel&! ha%e &ou"

Waldemar's wide! florid brow wrin,led#

"4 ha%en't thought or dreamed of an&thing for a month but this

infernal bomb exlosion#"

"/h! the 8inder case# 1ou're ersonall& interested"

"7oliticall&# 4t ma,es 8inder's nomination certain# 7ersecution#

+ttemted assassination# $e becomes a nearmart&r# 4'm almost

read& to belie%e that he lanted a fa,e bomb himself#"

"+nd fell out of a thirdstor& window to carr& out the idea That's

ushing realism rather far! isn't it"

Waldemar laughed# "There's the wea,ness# <nless we suose that he

underrec,oned the charge of exlosi%e#"

"The& let the musician go! didn't the&"

"1es# There was absolutel& no roof against him! excet that he was

in the street below# )esides! he seemed quite lac,ing mentall&#"

"5ightn't that ha%e been a sham"

"+lienists! of good standing examined him# The& reorted him (ust a

shade better than halfwitted# $e was li,e a oneideaed child! his

whole being comrised in his abilit&! and ambition to la& his

)flat trombone#"

"Well! if 4 needed an accomlice!" said +%erage Jones thoughtfull&!

"4 wouldn't want an& better one than a halfwitted man# 9id he la&

well"

"+trociousl&# +nd if &ou ,now what a soulshattering blare exudes

from a )flat trombone" 5r# Waldemar lifted exressi%e hands#



Within +%erage Jones' o%erstoc,ed mind something stirred at the

reetition of the words ")flat trombone#" 2omewhere the& had

attracted his notice in rint0 and somehow the& were connected with

Waldemar# Then from amidst the hundreds of ad%ertisements with

which! in the ast wee,s! he had crowded his brain! one stood out

clear# 4t %oiced the desire of an un,nown gentleman on the near

border of $arlem for the ser%ices of a erformer uon that

semiexotic instrument# /ne among se%eral! it had been cut from thecolumns of the <ni%ersal! on the e%ening which had launched him uon

his new enterrise# +%erage Jones made two stes to a boo,case!

too, down a huge scraboo, from an alhabeti3ed row! and turned the

lea%es raidl&#

"Three $undred .ast /ne $undredth 2treet!" said he! slamming the

boo, shut again# "Three $undred .ast /ne $undredth# 1ou won't

mind! will &ou!" he said to Waldemar! "if 4 lea%e &ou

unceremoniousl&"

"*ecalled a forgotten engagement" as,ed the other! rising#

"1es# No# 4 mean 4'm going to $arlem to hear some music#

Thirt&fourth's the nearest station! isn't it Than,s# 2o long#"

Waldemar rubbed his head thoughtfull& as the door slammed behind the

seeding +d-isor#

"Now! what ,ind of a tune is he on the trac, of! 4 wonder" he

mused# "4 wish it hadn't struc, him until 4'd had time to go o%er

the 8inder business with him#"

)ut while Waldemar rubbed his head in cogitatation and the $onorable

William 8inder! in his )roo,l&n headquarters! breathed charil&! out

of resect to his crea,ing rib! +%erage Jones was following fate

northward#

Three $undred .ast /ne $undredth 2treet is a house decreit with a

disease of the aged# 4ts windowed e&es are rheum&# 4t sags

bac,ward on gnarled (oints# +ll its oor old bones crea, when the

winds sha,e it# To +%erage Jones' inquiring ga3e on this summer da&

it oosed the secrec& of a senile indifference# $e hesitated to ull at its bell,nob! lest b& that act he should exert a disruti%e

force which might bring all the frail structure rattling down in

ruin# When! at length! he forced himself to the summons! the merest

ghost of a tin,le comlained etulantl& from within against his

%iolence#

+n old lad& came to the door# 2he was slee, and lacid! round and#

comfortable# 2he did not seem to belong in that house at all#

+%erage Jones felt as if he had crac,ed oen one of the grisl&

locust shells which cling lifelessl& to tree trun,s! and had found

within a lum and roserous beetle#

"Was an ad%ertisement for a trombone la&er inserted from this

house! ma'am" he inquired#



"8ong ago!" said she#

"+m 4 too late! then"

"5uch# 4t was answered nearl& two months since# 4 ha%e ne%er!"

said the old lad& with con%iction! "seen such a fra33led lot of

fol,s as )flat trombone la&ers#"

"The erson who inserted the ad%ertisement"

"$as left# + month since#"

"Could &ou tell where he went"

"8eft no address#"

"$is name was Telford! wasn't it" said +%erage Jones strategicall&#

"5ight be!" said the old lad&! who had e%identl& formed no fa%orableimression of her exlodger# ")ut he called himself *ansom#"

"$e had a furnished room"

"The whole third floor! furnished#"

"4s it let now"

"7art of it# The rear#"

"4'll ta,e the front room#"

"Without e%en loo,ing at it"

"1es#"

"1ou're a queer &oung man# +s to rice"

"Whate%er &ou choose#"

"1ou're a %er& queer &oung man# +re &ou a )flat trombone la&er"

"4 collect 'em!" said +%erage Jones#

"*eferences" said the old lad& abrutl& and with susicion#

"+ll %arieties!" relied her rosecti%e lodger cheerfull&# "4 will

bring 'em tomorrow with m& gri#"

or fi%e successi%e e%enings thereafter +%erage Jones sat in the

senile house! awaiting ersonal resonse to the following

ad%ertisement which he had inserted in the <ni%ersal:

W+NT.9)flat trombonist# 5ust

ha%e had exerience as street la&er#

+l& between G and =? # m# *!



?? .ast =??th 2treet#

)etween the ebb and flow of alicant musicians he read exhausti%el&

uon the unallied sub(ects of trombones and high exlosi%es! or

tal,ed with his landlad&! who ro%ed to be a sociable erson! not

disinclined to discuss the dearted guest# "*ansom!" his sulanter

learned! had come light and gone light# Two dress suit cases had

sufficed to bring in all his belongings# $e went out but little!and then! she oined with a disgustful sniff! for uroses strictl&

alcoholic# 7arcels came for him occasionall&# These were usuall&

labeled ";lass# $andle with care#" /h6 there was one other thing#

+ huge! eas& armchair from Carruthers and Coman&! might& luxurious

for an eightdollar lodger#

"9id he ta,e that with him" as,ed +%erage Jones#

"No# +fter he had been here a while he had a man come in and box it

u# $e must ha%e sent it awa&! but 4 ne%er saw it go#"

"Was this before or after the trombone la&ers came"

"8ong after# 4t was after he had ic,ed out his man and had him u

here racticing#"

"9ider&ou e%erersee this musician" drawled +%erage Jones in

the slow tones of his eculiar excitement#

")less &ou! &es6 Tal,ed with him#"

"What was he li,e"

"$e was a stuid old ;erman# 4 alwa&s thought he was a sort of a

natural#"

"1es" +%erage Jones eered out of the window# "4s this the man!

coming u the street"

"4t surel& is!" said the old lad&# "Now! 5ister Jones! if he

commences his blaring and blatting and'!

"There'll be no more music! ma'am!" romised the &oung man!

laughing! as she went out to answer the doorbell#

The musician! ushered in! loo,ed about him! an exression of

bewildered and childish surrise on his rabbitli,e face#

"4 am 2chlichting!" he murmured0 "4 come to la& the )flat

trombone#"

";lad to see &ou! 5r# 2chlichting!" said +%erage Jones! leading the

wa& ustairs# "2it down#"

The %isitor ut his trombone down and shoo, his head with

con%iction#



"4t iss the same room! &es!" he obser%ed# ")ut it iss not the same

gent! no#"

"1ou exected to find 5r# *ansom here"

"4 don't ,now 5r# *ansom# 4 ,now onl& to la& the )flat trombone#"

"5r# *ansom! the gentleman who emlo&ed &ou to la& in the street in)roo,l&n#"

5r# 2chlichting made large and exansi%e gestures# "4t iss a

leasure to la& for such a gent!" he said warml&# "Two dollars a

da&#"

"1ou ha%e la&ed often in Dennard 2treet"

"4 don't ,now Dennard 2treet# 4 ,now onl& to la& the )flat

trombone#"

"Dennard 2treet# 4n )roo,l&n# Where the fat gentleman told &ou to

sto! and fell out of the window#"

+ loo, of fear o%ersread the worn and innocent face#

"4 don't go there no more# The olice! the& ta,e there#"

")ut &ou had gone there before"

"Not to la&0 no#"

"Not to la& +re &ou sure"

The ;erman considered ainfull&# "There %ass no feet in the

window!" he exlained! brightening#

<on that surrising hrase +%erage Jones ondered# "1ou were not

to la& unless there were feet the window!" he said at length# "Was

that it"

The musician assented#

"4t does loo, li,e a signal to show that 8inder was in!" mused the

interrogator# "9o &ou ,now 8inder"

"4 don't ,now nothing onl& to la& the )flat trombone!" reeated

the other atientl&#

"Now! 2chlichting!" said +%erage Jones! "here is a dollar# .%er&

e%ening &ou must come here# Whether 4 am here or not! there will

be a dollar for &ou# 9o &ou understand"

)& wa& of answer the ;erman reached down and listed his instrument

to his lis#



"No! not that!" forbade +%erage Jones# "7ut it down#"

"Not to la& m& )flat trombone" as,ed the other! innocentl& hurt#

"The other gent he ma,e la& here alwa&s#"

"9id he" drawled +%erage Jones# "+nd heerlistened"

"$e listened from out there#" The musician ointed to the other room#

"$ow long"

"9ifferent times!" was the lacid rel&#

")ut he was alwa&s in the other room#"

"+lwa&s# +nd 4 la& .g&t# 8i,e this#"

"No6" said +%erage Jones! as the other stretched out a hoeful hand#

"$e li,ed it.g&t!" said the ;erman wistfull&# "$e said: ')ra%o6

.ncore6 )is6' 2ometimes nine! sometimes ten times o%er 4 la& it!

the chorus#"

"+nd then he sent &ou home"

"Then sometimes something goes 'singgggg6' li,e that in the

bac, room# Then he comes out and 4 ma& go home#"

"<mm!" muttered +%erage Jones discontentedl&# "When did &ou begin

to la& in the street"

"+fter a long time# $e ta,e me awa& to )roo,l&n and tell me! 'When

&ou see the feet iss in the window &ou la& hard6"'

There was a long ause# Then +%erage Jones as,ed casuall&:

"9id &ou e%er notice a big eas& chair here"

"4 do not notice nothing# 4 la& m& )flat trombone#"

+nd there his limitations were established# )ut the old lad& had

something to add#

"4t's all true that be said!" she confirmed# "4 could hear his

rac,et in the front room and 5r# *ansom wor,ing in the bac, and

then! after the old man was gone! 5r# *ansom sweeing u something

b& himself#"

"2weeing Whaterwas heersweeing"

";lass! 4 thin,# The girl used to find little sli%ers of it first

in one art of the room! then in another# 4 raised the rent for

that and for the rac,et#"



"The next thing!" said +%erage Jones! "is to find out where that big

eas& chair went from here# Can &ou hel me there"

The old lad& shoo, her head# "+ll 4 can do is to tell &ou the

nearb& truc, men#"

Can%ass of the local truc,ing industr& brought to light the con%e&or

of that elegant article of furniture# 4t had gone! +%erage Joneslearned! not to the mansion of the $onorable William 8inder! as he

had fondl& hoed! but to an obscure address not far from the Na%&

1ard in )roo,l&n# To this address! ha%ing loo,ed u and gathered in

the )flat trombonist! +%erage Jones led the wa&# The air lur,ed

in the neighborhood of the ramshac,le house watching the entrance!

until toward e%ening! as the door oened to let out a tremulous

wrec, of a man! alsied with debauch! 2chlichting obser%ed:

"That iss him# $e bass been drin,ing again once#"

+%erage Jones hurried the musician around the corner intoconcealment# "1ou ha%e been here before to meet 5r# *ansom"

"No#"

"Where did he meet &ou to a& &ou &our wages"

"/n some corner!" said the other %aguel&#

"Then he too, &ou to the big house and left &ou there!" urged Jones#

"No0 he left me on the street comer# 'When the feet iss in the

window!' he sa&s! '&ou la&#'"

"4t comes to this!" drawled +%erage Jones intentl&! loo,ing the

emlo&ee between his %acuous e&es# "*ansom shied the chair to

7l&mouth 2treet and from there to 8inder's house# $e figured out

that 8inder would ut it in his stud& and do his sitting at the

window in it# +nd &ou were to ,now when he was there b& seeing his

feet in the window! and gi%e the signal when &ou saw him# 4t must

ha%e been a signal to somebod& rett& far off! or he wouldn't ha%e

chosen so loud an instrument as a )flat trombone#"

"4 can la& the )flat trombone louder as an& man in the business!"

asserted 2chlichting with roud con%iction#

")ut what gets me!" ursued +%erage Jones! "is the urose of the

signal# Whom was it for"

"4 don't ,now nothing!" said the other comlacentl&# "4 onl& ,now

to la& the )flat trombone louder as an& man in the world#"

+%erage Jones aid him a lum sum! dismissed him and returned to theCosmic Club! there to onder the roblem# What next To accuse

*ansom! the m&sterious hirer of a )flat trombone %irtuosit&!

without sufficient roof uon which to base e%en a claim of

crossexamination! would be to bloc, his own game then and there!



for *ansom could! and %er& li,el& would! go awa&! lea%ing no trace#

Who was *ansom! an&wa& +nd what relation! if an&! did he bear to

8inder

+bsorbed in these considerations! be failed to notice that the club

was filling u be&ond its wont# + hand fell on his shoulder#

"$ello! +%erage# $a%en't seen &ou at a 2aturda& secial night since&ou started &our hobb&#"

4t was )ertram# "What's on" +%erage Jones as,ed him! sha,ing

hands#

"rea, concert# )ellerding has trotted out art of his collection

of mediae%al musical instruments! and some rofessionals are going

to la& them# Waldemar is at our table# Come and (oin us#"

Con%ersation at the roundtable was general and li%el& that e%ening!

and not until the ort came onthe rideful club ort! ser%ed onl&on secial occasions and in wonderful! delicate glassesdid +%erage

Jones get an oortunit& to sea, to Waldemar aside#

"4'%e been loo,ing into that 8inder matter a little#"

"4ndeed# 4'%e about gi%en u hoe#"

"1ou so,e of an old scandal in 8inder's career# What was the

husband's name"

"+rbuthnot! 4 belie%e#"

"9o &ou ,now what sort of loo,ing man he was"

"No# 4 could find out from Washington#"

"What was his business"

";o%ernment emlo&ment! 4 thin,#"

"4n theerscientific line! erhas" drawled Jones#

"Wh&! &es! 4 belie%e it was#"

"<mm# 2uose! now! 8inder should dro out of the combination#

Who would be the most li,el& nominee"

"5arsdenthe man 4'%e been grooming for the lace# + firstclass!

honorable! fearless man#"

"Well! it's onl& a chance0 but if 4 can get one dar, oint cleared

u"

$e aused as a curious! tingling note came from the latform where

the musicians were tuning ti#



"/ne of )ellerding's sweet dulcets!" obser%ed )ertram#

The 7erformer nearest them was running a slow bass scale on a sort

of twostringed horsefiddle of a strange shae# +%erage Jones'

still untouched glass! almost full of the recious ort! trembled

and sang a little tentati%e resonse# <uu mounted the

thrilling notes! in crescendo force#

"What a rac,ing sort of tone! for all its sweetness6" said +%erage

Jones# $is delicate and fragile ort glass e%identl& shared the

oinion! for! without further warning! it slit and shi%ered#

"The& used to show that exeriment in the laborator&!" said )ertram#

"1ou must ha%e had (ust the accurate amount of liquid in the glass!

+%erage# 5o%e bac,! &ou lunatic! it's driing all o%er &ou#"

)ut +%erage Jones sat unheeding# The liquor dribbled down into his

la# $e ,et his fascinated ga3e fixed on the shattered glass#

)ertram dabbed him with a na,in#

"Thaaan,s! )ertram!" drawled the beneficiar& of this attention#

"9oesn't matter# .xcuse me# ;ood night#"

8ea%ing his surrised comanions! he too, hat and cane and caught a

Third +%enue car# )& the time he had reached )roo,l&n )ridge he had

his camaign maed out# 4t all deended uon the oening question#

+%erage Jones decided to hit out and hit quic,#

+t the house near the Na%& 1ard he learned that this man was out#

2o he sat uon the front stes while one of the highestriced wines

in New 1or, dried into his ,nees# 2hortl& before ele%en a shuffling

figure aused at the stes! feeling for a ,e&#

"5r# +rbuthnot! otherwise *ansom" said +%erage Jones blandl&#

The man's chin (er,ed bac,# $is (aw droed#

"Would &ou li,e to hire another )flat trombonist" ursued the

&oung man#

"Who are &ou" gased the other# "What do &ou want"

"4 want to ,now!" drawled +%erage Jones! "hower&ou lanted the

glass bulberthe sulhuric acid bulb! &ou ,nowin the chair that

&ou senterto the $onorable William 8inder! so thaterit

wouldn't be shattered b& an&thing but the middle C note of a )flat

trombone"

The man sat down wea,l& and bowed his face in his hands# 7resentl&

he loo,ed u#

"4 don't care!" he said# "Come inside#"

+t the end of an hour's tal, +rbuthnot! alias *ansom! agreed to



e%er&thing that +%erage Jones roosed#

"5ind &ou!" he said! "4 don't romise 4 won't ,ill him later# )ut

meantime it'll be some satisfaction to ut him down and out

oliticall&# 1ou can find me here an& time &ou want me# 1ou sa&

&ou'll see 8inder tomorrow"

"Tomorrow!" said +%erage Jones# "'8oo, in the next da&'s aersfor the result#"

2etting his telehone recei%er down the $onorable William 8inder

lost himself in con(ecture# $e had (ust gi%en an aointment to his

tried and true! but quite imersonal enem&! 5r# $orace Waldemar#

"What can Waldemar want of me" ran his thoughts# "+nd who is this

friend! Jones! that he's bringing Jones Jones6 Jones6" $e

tried it in three different accents! without extracting an&

articular meaning therefrom# "Nothing much in the olitical game!"

he decided#

4t was with a mingling of gruffness and dignit& that he greeted 5r#

Waldemar an hour later# The introduction to +%erage Jones he

ac,nowledged with a curt nod#

"Want a (ob for this &oung man! Waldemar" he grunted#

"Not at resent! than, &ou!" returned the newsaer owner# "5r#

Jones has a few arguments to resent to &ou#"

"+rguments!" reeated the $onorable William 8ender contemtuousl&#

"What ,ind of arguments"

"7olitical arguments# 5a&oralt&! to be secific# To be more

secific still! arguments showing wh& &ou should dro out of the

race#"

"+ infeather reformer! eh"

The olitician turned to meet +%erage Jones' stead& ga3e and mildl&

inquiring smile#

"9o &ouer,now an&thing of submarine mines! 5r# 8inder" drawled

the %isitor#

"$uh" returned the $onorable William 8inder! startled#

"2ubmarine mines!" exlained the other#! "5ines in the sea! if &ou

wish words of one s&llable#"

The lids of the $onorable 8inder contracted#

"1ou're in the wrong (oint!" he said! "this ain't the Na%al

College#"

"Than, &ou# + submarine mine is a %er& ingenious affair# 4'%e



recentl& been reading somewhat extensi%el& on the sub(ect# The main

charge is some high exlosi%e! usuall& of the d&namite t&e# +bo%e

it is a small (ar of sulhuric acid# Teeth! wor,ing on le%ers!

surround this (ar# The le%ers ro(ect outside the mine# When a

shi stri,es the mine! one or more of the le%ers are ressed in#

The teeth crush the (ar# The sulhuric acid dros uon the main

charge and exlodes it# 9o &ou follow me#"

"4'll follow &ou as far as the front door!" said the olitician

balefull&# $e rose#

"4f the charge were in a chair! in the cushion of an eas& chair!

we'll sa&! on the third floor of a house in )roo,l&n"

The $onorable William 8inder sat down again# $e sat hea%il&#

"the roblem would be somewhat different# /f course! it would be

eas& to arrange that the first erson to sit down in the chair

would! b& his own weight! blow himself u# )ut the first ersonmight not be the right erson! &ou ,now# 9o &ou still follow me"

The $onorable William 8inder made a remar, li,e a fish#

"Now! we ha%e! if &ou will forgi%e m& rofessorial method!"

continued +%erage Jones! "a chair sent to a gentleman of rominence

from an anon&mous source# 4n this chair is a charge of high

exlosi%e and abo%e it a glass bulb containing sulhuric acid# The

bulb! we will assume! is so safeguarded as to resist an& ordinar&

shoc, of mo%ing# )ut when this gentleman! sitting at ease in his

chair! is noticed b& a trombonist! laced for that urose 4n the

street! below"

"The 9utch hornla&er6" cried the olitician# "Then it was him0

and 4'll"

"/nl& an innocent tool!" interruted +%erage Jones! in his turn#

"$e had no comrehension of what he was doing# $e didn't understand

that the %ibration from his trombone on one articular note b& the

slide u the scaleas in the chorus of .g&twould shi%er that

glass and set off the charge# +ll that he ,new was to la& the)flat trombone and ta,e his a&#"

"$is a&" The question leaed to the olitician's lis# "Who aid

him"

"+ mannameder+rbuthnot!" drawled +%erage Jones#

8inder's e&es did not dro! but a film seemed to be drawn o%er

them#

"1ou once ,newera 5rs# +rbuthnot"

The thic, shoulders qui%ered a little#

"$er husbandher widoweris in )roo,l&n# 2hall 4 ush the



argument an& further to con%ince &ou that &ou'd better dro out of

the ma&oralt& race"

8inder reco%ered himself a little# "What ,ind of a game are &ou

ringing in on me" he demanded#

"9on't &ou thin,!" suggested +%erage Jones sweetl&! "that

considered as news! this"

8inder caught the word out of his mouth# "News6" he roared# "+

fa,e stor& ten &ears old! news That ain't news6 4t's site wor,#

.%en &our dirt& aer! Waldemar! wouldn't ra,e that ,ind of muc, u

after ten &ears# 4t'd be a boomerang# 1ou'll ha%e to ut u a

stronger line of blac,mail and bluff than that#"

")lac,mail is erhas the correct word technicall&!" admitted the

newsaer owner! "but bluffthere &ou go wrong# 1ou'%e forgotten

one thing0 that +rbuthnot's arrest and confession would ma,e the

whole stor& news# We stand read& to arrest +rbuthnot! and hestands read& to confess#"

There was a long! tense minute of silence# Then

"What do &ou want" The straighttotheoint question was an

admission of defeat#

"1our announcement of withdrawal# 4'd rather rint that than the

+rbuthnot stor&#"

There was a long silence# inall& the $onorable 8inder droed his

hand on the table# "1ou win!" he declared curtl&# ")ut &ou'll

gi%e me the benefit! in the announcement! of bad health caused b&

the shoc, of the exlosion! to exlain m& quitting! Waldemar"

"4t will certainl& ma,e it more lausible!" assented the newsaer

owner with a smile#

8inder turned on +%erage Jones#

"9id &ou doe this out! &oung fellow" he demanded#

"1es#"

"Well! &ou'%e ut me in the 9ownand/utClub! all right# +nd 4'm

(ust curious enough to want to ,now how &ou did it#"

")& abstaining!" returned +%erage Jones cr&ticall&! "from the best

wine that e%er came out of the Cosmic Club cellar#" _

Average Jones, A Novel by Samuel Hopkins Adams

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Transcript of Average Jones, A Novel by Samuel Hopkins Adams