Attractive Introvert Formula Module 3: Connection &...

Attractive Introvert Formula Module 3:

Connection & Comfort

IntroductionModule 3: Create A Deep Connection That

(Almost) Makes Her Beg To Be Your Girlfriend

Approach (Module 4)

Attract (Module 2)

Connect (Module 3)

Seduce (Module 5)

1 minute

2-5 minutes

1-2 hours,!Or maybe 2-3 dates

Back at your place

Min

dset

(Mod

ule

1)

Why This Module?• Different “stages” to talking to girls. Once she’s attracted, then

you get to know her. !

• Usually best if she initiates the connection phase. When you’re good at attracting, girls will often start to ask you “What’s your name?” “Where are you from?” and other questions about you.!

• Shift in the conversation. From being a bit more confident/funny/interesting to get her initially attracted... to toning down the energy and putting the focus on her.!

• Don’t get stuck being her entertainer using the techniques from the last module. Have a more serious conversation that turns you into a regular person.

The Introvert’s Time To Shine

• I’m typically low-energy, not super happy or energetic, but this type of conversation works great for the connection part of dating.!

• Being low energy is more seductive, easier to build sexual tension over time.!

• At this stage, sexual tension is much better than giggly attraction. More on this later…

What You’ll Learn• How to carry conversations!

• Presence (How to really listen to connect.)!

• Vulnerability - Sharing parts of yourself so the conversation isn’t just one-sided.!

• Getting to know her in a way that makes her feel like she earned your interest. Best way to create a quick bond is when she knows like you like her for reasons other than her looks. Not about finding commonalities.

How To Carry a Conversation

“I Run Out Of Things To Say!”

• You have decades of life experience that you could talk about. Not really possible to run out of things to say. !

• Reason why you run out of things to say:!

• Filtering what you say because you want to impress her. (inferiority) Don’t run out of things to say around close friends.!

• When feeling nervous, your body and mind enter a “fight or flight” mode, which shuts down the higher level functioning of your brain. This is my theory why a lot of people who feel nervous in social situations “can’t think of what to say.!

• Trying to come up with things to say out of thin air instead of asking the right questions, listening and using the answers she gives you to continue the conversation.

How Would You Like To Actually ENJOY Conversations?

If You Pay Careful Attention To This Next Tip, You’ll Be Able To

Always Know What To Say Next To People...

This Simple Trick Will Allow You To Enjoy Long, Interesting And Flowing Conversations With

People Easily And Effortlessly...

Using A Technique I Call “Conversation Threading™”

So... What Is “Conversation Threading™”?

Here’s One Way To Think Of It: Imagine A Conversation Being

Like A Tree With Many Branches...

And Every Time Someone Says Something To You...

Their Sentence Has Many “Threads” You Can Pick

To Respond To...

Let Me Give You An Example...

Imagine If Someone Said To You:

“I Saw Bob At The Mall Last Saturday.”

What You Need To Do Is Look For The KEY WORDS Inside The Sentence


These Key Words Are What I Call “Threads”


In This Example, The Key Words Or Threads Would Be “Bob, Mall,

And Saturday.”


Threads Are Words That Contain A Single Subject, Topic Or

Idea In Them...


You Just Have To Pay Attention To The Threads And Ignore

The Filler Words...


Do You See How Simple This Is?


So You Pick One Of These Threads And Then You

Say Something About It...


If You Picked The Thread “Bob,” You Could Say “I Think Bob Made

The School Football Team.”


Or If You Picked “Mall,” You Say “Did You See That New Book

Store They Opened At The Mall?”


So You Simply Look For The Threads Or Key Words In What People Say To You...

!

Then You Pick One And Say Something About It...

And Every Time They Reply, You Just Quickly Go Through This

Technique Again.... !

By Doing This, You’ll Always Have Something To Say Next...

See, The Reason Why You May Get A “Blank Mind” Or

“Run Out Of Things To Say” In Conversations Is

Because...

You Think You Have To Be Creative Or An Interesting Person To Talk

To People Well... WRONG!

Now You Can Relax And Take That Pressure

Off Yourself...

Because There’s No Reason For You To Try To “Think Of What To

Say” Out Of Thin Air...

When All You Really Have To Do Is Look For The Threads Or

Key Words And... !

Use What People Give You!

I’m Sure You Can See How Useful And Life-Changing This

Simple Technique Can Be For You...

Just Imagine What Your Life Will Look Like When Conversations Become

Something You ENOY By Using Conversation Threading™...

You’ll Never Have To Worry About Running Out Of Things To Say Or Creating An Awkward Silence...

You’ll Experience New Confidence Knowing You Can Basically Talk To

Someone Forever If You Wanted To...

It’s Amazing How Many Awesome Benefits Come From Simply Knowing This Conversation Threading Technique™...

This Is Something I Make Sure To Teach All Of My Students, And

Now You Know It, Too

Open-Ended Questions• Open-ended questions are much better than close-ended

questions.!

• “Did you like Paris?” (Closed) vs.“What did you like about Paris?” (Open)!

• Close-ended questions can be answered with a one-word response like yes or no. Too many close-ended questions can start to feel like an interview. !

• Open ended questions demand a longer more in-depth reply. Open ended questions make it much easier for her to contribute more.

Statements• Statements are usually even better than questions. Take whatever

question you have and turn it into a statement or observation.!

• “What did you like about Paris?” (open question)Vs. “You sound like you really enjoyed Paris.” (statement)Her: “Yeah I did, it was blah blah blah.”!

• Most normal people will contribute to the conversation even if you say it as a statement. If she’s more shy, then you could add the question later.!

• “You sound like you really enjoyed Paris.”Her: “Yeah, I did.”“What did you like about it?”

Good Conversation Topics• F.O.R.D. - family, occupation, recreation, dreams!

• Good default questions: “What do you do for fun?” “What do you like?”!

• If you like travel, ask her about travel. If you like reading, ask her what her favourite books are. If you like music, ask her about that. Have something in common on the surface is an easy way to launch the conversation. People can talk for hours about a topic they are deeply interested in.!

• Be genuinely interested and curious about who she is. What she finds important? What she values?!

• If you try to do this before attraction, it won’t work. You may just turn into her friend. But after she’s attracted, she’ll be more than eager to get to know you.

Surface To Emotional Topics• Many guys try to form commonalities based on

surface topics. (Ex: “We both like the same type of music/books/tv shows.”)!

• Just because you know someone’s hobbies/interests/background info doesn’t mean you really understand them as a person. Use surface topics only as a bridge to get to deeper emotional topics. !

• Get off small talk and dig into deeper values, preferences, feelings and motivations about things.

Couple Examples• “What do you do?” “Dentist” -> deeper -> “What do you like

about it?” -> “I like to work with people.” -> “You could never do a job that makes you work by yourself?” -> “No, I’d get so bored with nobody to talk to.”!

• “What do you do for fun?” “Watch star trek” -> deeper -> “Why do you like star trek?” -> “It’s cool” -> “There must be some specific reason you like it more than other tv shows.” -> “Well, they talk about real issues and questions about life, instead of gossiping about celebrities or simply shooting people like most action movies.”!

• Very similar to what I do in the connection phase.

“People feel connected to you not by how much they know about

you, but by how much they think you know about them.”

Presence

What Is It?• Most people (especially introverts) are living in

their heads instead of being present with the girl they are talking to.!

• Thinking about something that happened in the past, about what you’re going to say in the future, about some other idea, etc.!

• Being present to the moment and putting your full attention on the girl is one of the best tricks I know to create comfort and connection.

Non-Evaluative Listening• When you’re listening, are you really listening or are you only partially

listening? You’re probably judging what she’s saying, interpreting it, worrying about what you’re going to say next to relate to her, etc.!

• Non-evaluative listening means listening so deeply that it’s almost like you’re experiencing the feelings and point of view that she has at this moment. !

• In psychology, this is called emotional attunement. Being totally “in tune” with her emotional experience and subjective view of the world.!

• Everyone has a deep need to feel significant, like they’re special. Giving the girl this experience of feeling seen and understood is almost addictive. Why people often go back to therapists again and again — someone willing to listen to them.

“Grounding” Yourself To The Present Moment

• You can’t “think” your way into being present, need to use different techniques to get out of your mind and put your attention into the present reality of what’s going on right in front of you.!

• It’s why I do 20 minutes of meditation almost every morning after my shower. I’m a very heavy thinker and intellectual guy, so meditation allows me to stay more grounded and bring myself bak to the present.

#1: Body Awareness• As you’re listening, put your attention onto the soles of

your feet. How does it feel? Don’t need to label how it feels, just stay with the physical sensation.!

• When you put your attention into your feet (or another part of your body), part of your attention is brought into the present moment.!

• This is a mindfulness technique that can also help dissolve emotions like anxiety, nervousness or self-consciousness over time. Whenever you feel those negative emotions, feel what they are like in your body. Don’t label or judge the feelings, just watch it with awareness and acceptance.

#2: Breath Awareness• As you’re listening, put your attention onto your breath.

Don’t need to change the way you breathe, this is an attention exercise. !

• Tempting to do this for only about 2 seconds because you think the breath is boring. Stay with it and pay very close attention to all the little sensations associated with breathing. Beginning, middle, end.!

• Can also be useful for relaxation when nervous because you’ll be aware of when you stop breathing or when you start breathing shallowly. Your body’s reactions to a cute girl is a habit that you can break with proper awareness.

#3: Comfortable Pauses• You don’t need to fill every break in the conversation,

especially in the connection stage when you two are probably sitting together and talking.!

• A pause will only feel weird or “creepy” to her if you start to tense up, look terrified or uncomfortable. Silences are only awkward if you make them awkward.!

• Focus on keeping your body relaxed and comfortable.!

• Holding your eye contact and attention on her during a pause can do more for attraction, comfort and sexual tension than words ever could. Extremely powerful.

Vulnerability

What Is Vulnerability? Why Is It Important?

• The choice to show up and let your true self be seen by other people. (Brene Brown)!

• Vulnerability is what dissolves feelings of inferiority and shame, and turns it into confidence.!

• You can only build connections with people by allowing yourself to be vulnerable. This means sharing your true feelings and self with people, instead of hiding them.!

• Your vulnerability makes her feel more comfortable to open up as well.

Shame and Inferiority• Back in Module 1, I explained how feelings of

nervousness and shyness are often cause by beliefs of shame and inferiority.!

• It’s only when you think that you have some type of defect that makes you unlovable or unworthy of acceptance that you start feeling anxious and shy around people. You feel nervous because, deep down, you belief that they would reject you if they knew how you really were.

Strategies For Shame:Impression-Making or Hiding• If you're insecure, you believe you have to create a

certain "impression" with her for her to like you.!

• “How can I hide unattractive things about myself? (lack of car, friends, etc) … “How can I say what I think she wants to hear? (filtering what you say, studying her to find out what she likes)!

• Other people who are insecure simply hide away. They totally avoid sharing their real personality and feelings with people, so they don’t make any real bonds. Me going to first year of university, secretive and withdrawn.

Vulnerability Is Non-Needy• Non-neediness means putting your opinion of

yourself over other people’s opinion of you.!

• Trying to manipulate the way people see you through impression-making or hiding is incredibly needy.!

• The men women find the most attractive are able to be an “open book.” They aren’t afraid of sharing almost anything about themselves.

Vulnerability Mindsets• People who don’t like “the real me” with all my flaws and

shortcomings aren’t compatible with me anyway. I’m saving us both time by being upfront. (Ex: conservative religious girl and liberal guy.)!

• “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter.”!

• Pretending to be someone you’re not is going to cause you pain and misery in relationships in the long run. Constant performance anxiety vs. comfortable with yourself.

How To Be Vulnerable• Not trying to hide how you feel. (Story: “it’s because I feel a

bit nervous.”)!

• Acting the same way with her as you would with one of your close friends.!

• Sharing personal stories from your past. Even ones that are somewhat embarrassing.!

• Sharing “flaws” or quirks, things about you that are different from the average. (Ex: having some nerdy interest, quitting smoking, being shy.) Creates points of connection. Nobody relates to perfect superheroes.

Conclusion• Vulnerability is attractive because it communicates non-

neediness. Only a man who isn’t too emotionally invested in her opinion would feel comfortable sharing his true self with the risk of rejection.!

• Only way to create and maintain a long-term relationship with a girlfriend is by learning to slowly open up and share your true self with people.!

• From “How can I make her like me by appearing a certain way?” to “This is how I am. If you don’t like it, then there’s some other girl out there who will.”

Making Her Impressive

What Is This About?• People don’t value anything that they haven’t worked

for. The girl needs to feel like you have good reasons for liking her besides her looks. Like she earned your attention by being different from the other girls.!

• She should feel like she’s slowly winning you over for non-physical reasons. "Tell the smart girls they're pretty and the pretty girls they're smart." (Doesn't have to be intelligence.)!

• You recognize qualities in her that not many people do. The qualities she feels most proud of. Remember that people crave recognition and a feeling of significance.

Why Is It Important?• If you meet a woman and get her number, but she

doesn’t feel like she did anything to deserve your interest, then she will often not meet for a date or even text you back. (Friend gets lots of numbers, but almost all of them are flakey.)!

• If you attracted her properly, she should be thinking: “This guy probably gets a lot of girls interested, why does he like me?”

Why Is It Important?• Being attractive is the first step, but the most important

thing after is to make HER impressive. !

• One of most common complaints women make about guys: “He talked too much on the date.” !

• Guys talk too much because they think the more they can tell the girl about himself, his accomplishments and his interesting life, the more impressed she’ll be.!

• Not trying to be impressive is actually the most impressive thing you can do. Putting the focus on her instead of trying to make yourself look attractive.

How To Make Her Impressive

• Starts with curiosity. Talking to her and finding out about her life, then digging deeper with strategic questions into why she likes the things she does.!

• Find her unique interests. What is it about her that is more rare or uncommon? Horse riding, certain book type, etc.!

• Finding common values. (Mine: traveling, being a non-conformist, having freedom, being an independent thinker, etc.)!

• You should tell her why you like her. Contrast a quality of hers to everyone else, and question deeper.

How To Make Her Impressive

• Compliments are good, as long as she’s earned them. Usually not about appearance. Can compliment her energy, her femininity, her outlook on life, her philosophy, etc.!

• Reward her if she says something you like. “Wow, that’s really cool.” “I’m impressed.” Can also reward her with touch and more interest.

Other Tricks For Connection

• Get her to do small favours for you. Hold your coat or drink, etc. “I must be doing this for him because I like him.”!

• Do things together as a team. (Ex: Play pool together against another couple.)

Conclusion

Approach (Module 4)

Attract (Module 2)

Connect (Module 3)

Seduce (Module 5)

Min

dset

(Mod

ule

1) Next Week: How To Start

Conversations With Women

How To Start Conversations (a.k.a. Last Minute Confidence)

• Where to meet women easily, even if you’re a shy introverted guy!

• How to overcome fear of rejection and nervousness!

• What to say from the beginning to avoid awkwardness

Attractive Introvert Formula Module 3: Connection &...

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