ASSERTIVENESS · 03/05/2013 · Assertiveness is based on balance It requires being forthright...
Transcript of ASSERTIVENESS · 03/05/2013 · Assertiveness is based on balance It requires being forthright...
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ASSERTIVENESS
WORKING WITH PEOPLE
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ASSERTIVENESS VS AGRESSIVENESS
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Assertiveness is based on balance
It requires being forthright about your rights, needs and wants while still considering the rights, needs, and wants of others. When you are assertive, you ask for what you want but you don't necessarily get it.
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Aggressiveness is based on winning
It requires that you do what is in your own best interest without regard for the rights, needs and wants of others. When you are aggressive, you take what you want regardless, and you don't usually ask.
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ADVANTAGES
• Get to "win‐win" more easily – can quickly find common ground.
• Are better problem solvers – feel empowered to do whatever it takes to find the best solution.
• Are less stressed – they don't feel victimized when things don't go as planned.
• Are doers – they get things done because they know they can.
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POWER COMES FROM SELF‐ASSURANCE
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DEVELOPPING ASSERTIVENESS
Value yourself and your rights• Understand that your rights, thoughts, feelings, needs and desires are just
as important as everyone else's• But remember they are not more important than anyone else's, either • Recognize your rights and protect them• Believe you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity at all times• Stop apologizing when not needed
Identify your needs/wants and ask for them • Don't wait for someone to recognize what you need (you might wait
forever!)• Understand that to perform to your full potential, your needs must be met• Find ways to get your needs met without sacrificing others' needs in the
process
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DEVELOPPING ASSERTIVENESSAcknowledge that people are responsible for their own behavior• Don't make the mistake of accepting responsibility for how people react to
your assertive statements (e.g. anger, resentment). You can only control yourself.
• As long as you are not violating someone else's needs, then you have the right to say or do what you want.
Express negative thoughts and feelings in a healthy and positive manner• Allow yourself to be angry, but always be respectful.• Do say what's on your mind, but do it in a way that protects the other
person's feelings.• Control your emotions.• Stand up for yourself and confront people who challenge you and/or your
rights.
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DEVELOPPING ASSERTIVENESSReceive criticism and compliments positively• Accept compliments graciously.• Allow yourself to make mistakes and ask for help.• Accept feedback positively – be prepared to say you don't agree but
do not get defensive or angry.
Learn to say "No" when you need to. This is the granddaddy of assertiveness!• Know your limits and what will cause you to feel taken advantage
of.• Know that you can't do everything or please everyone and learn to
be OK with that.• Go with what is right for you.• Suggest an alternative for a win‐win solution
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TECHNIQUES“I” Statement + adverb
I feel strongly I need this quickly …
Emphatic assertionI understand that… however, I need… + suggestion
Escalating assertionThis is the third time… next time, I will …
Ask for more timeI will get back to you…
Use pro‐active verbsWon’t vs. can’t want vs. need choose to vs. have to
Broken recordRepeat the same: I will do this when I come back
ScriptingSituation – feelings – needs ‐ consequences
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IT IS WALKING A FINE LINE!
ASKING WHAT YOU WANT CLEARLY WITHOUT BEING AGGRESSIVE OR SUBMISSIVE
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ASSERTIVENESS ISBEING TRUE TO YOURSELF
WHILE REMAINING RESPECTFUL
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BY NOT BEING ASSERTIVE, YOU MAY
FEEL DEPRESSED AND HOPELESSFEEL RESENTFULHAVE ANGRY OUTBURSTSFEEL ANXIOUSFEEL STRESSFULLHAVE POOR RELATIONSHIPSHAVE PHYSICAL ILLNESS
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PRACTICES AND PERSISTENCE
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A WAY OF LIFE
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AGAIN, A CLEAR UNDERSTANDING OFYOUR VALUES, RIGHTS, VISION, OBJECTIVES, WANTS...
THE OTHER’S VALUES, RIGHTS, VISION, OBJECTIVES, WANTS...THE CONTEXT
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ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION
• Send a clear messageverbal and non‐verbal
• Listen actively to the othermake sure you fully understand where other is coming from
• Use “I” statementsavoid “you” statements
• Acknowledge your roleadmit, it builds trust
• Learn to say “no”to requests not consistent with your wants
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EFFECTIVE ASSERTIVENESS
L Look at your wants (what, why) A Arrange a meeting (specific)D Define the problem (the facts are...)D Describe your feelings (I feel...)E Express what you want (specifics)R Reinforce mutual benefits (specifics)
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GOOD FENCES MAKE GOOD NEIGHBORS
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MANAGING YOUR FENCES
WHO, WHAT ENTER OR LEAVE YOUR SPACE
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MANAGING YOUR FENCES
1. Become Aware of Your Needs• Do you sometimes doubt that you have a right to ensure your needs are met?
• Do you avoid speaking up for yourself on a regular basis, and do you let things go, and not react to bad situations?
• Do you tend to avoid conflict? Do you let others have their way or make decisions for you?
• Do you agree to do things that you really don't want to do – and later regret it?
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MANAGING YOUR FENCES
2. Set your boundaries• Be assertive
Tell people what you need• Learn to say no, when appropriate
Determine your priorities• Use effective time management
Prioritize, delegate, schedule• Focus on your objectives
Good goal‐setting and strategies
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MANAGING YOUR FENCES
3. Monitor your boundaries• Changes in YOUR needs…• Changes in OTHERS needs…• Changes in the CONTEXT
AN ONGOING TASKS
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BOUNDARIES, FENCES ARE NOT WALL