Assertive Communication Ver 2.1

2 Copyright 2014 Tech Mahindra. All rights reserved.

2014

Tech Mahindra


2014

Tech Mahindra


Business communication (Assertive

Communication)

Kavita Lal

Leadership Learning Services


Course Outcomes

Communicate with increased confidence and ease

Communicate assertively in difficult situations

Participate effectively in meetings & teleconferences


Customer Issues

Communicate clearly and precisely

Share our views and concerns at the right time

Understand their concerns and move towards a workable compromise

Participate effectively in virtual as well as face to face meetings

Paraphrase our understanding of the situation during the conversation

Ask the right questions at the right time and summarize the action items


What is Communication?


Understanding Assertive Communication

7% Words

38% Voice 55% Body Language

Congruence

Context Gestures


Communication

Communication is a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system

of symbols, signs or behaviors

Communication is a two way process

Business professionals spend about 70% to 85% of their work time in communication, be it speaking, listening,

writing or reading


Communication

Body language

Para language

Language

55%

38%

7%

100%


Barriers in Effective Business Communication

Time Pressure in all Business Communication Internal Frameworks of understanding information Internal filters of missing out and capturing information Importance of Language in which we think and speak Assumptions made when we are listening and collecting

information

Perceptions


Your Style

Fill up the questionnaire with complete honesty

Give your first response and do not deliberate too much on any particular question

Give your responses considering the way you behave and not the way you should behave

Time allotted: 10 minutes


Exercise Your Style

Thinking about your behavior at work, write a score

against each statement to represent

which best typifies your behavior.

4= Agree Strongly

3= Agree Somewhat

2= Disagree Somewhat

1= Disagree Strongly


Exercise Your Style

1. I express my opinions in an honest and appropriate manner___

2. I can get angry and let this show___________

3. I find it difficult to say No___________

4. If I do not agree with a task that my boss has given me, I find a way of dragging my feet on it._____

5. I feel comfortable in asking for help from somebody if they know more than me______


Your Style

6. I feel guilty if I leave on time for a valid reason and other people

are still working______

7. I can be sarcastic_________

8. I think my way of doing things is better than other people_____

9. If someone takes advantage of me, I find a way of evening the score_______

10. I feel I have the right to say no to other peoples request and find a way of making the score even________

11. If I am in a large meeting, I find myself not speaking up____


Your Style

12. I like to be in control of a situation_____________

13. I stare at people____________

14. I make good eye contact with people________

15. If I am unsure of a task that I have been given I find it uncomfortable to ask for help_______

16. I talk about other people behind their backs_________


Your Style

17. When I have to deal with someone in authority, I find it difficult

to look them directly in the eye.__________

18. I am a good listener and think that people listen attentively to what I have to say._______

19. Rather than confronting someone on an issue, I would rather drop hints that I am not happy._____

20. I am not afraid to be direct with someone even if they think I am being rude.______


Your Style

Self Assessment

Transfer the scores of each of the statements to the boxes

given below and

then total each of the columns downwards.


Q1 Q3 Q4 Q2

Q5 Q6 Q7 Q8

Q10 Q11 Q9 Q12

Q14 Q15 Q16 Q13

Q18 Q17 Q19 Q20

total total total total


Your Style: Exercise Debrief

Aggressive Communication Style

Tend to offend others

Highly opinionated

Passive Communication Style

Submissive

Hesitant to voice their opinions

Avoid conflicts


Your Style: Exercise Debrief

Passive Aggressive Communication Style

Never talk to the right person or at the right time

Tend to generate discontent amongst others

Assertive Communication Style:

Express oneself openly and honestly without denying the rights

of others

Not scared to ask why

Strike a workable compromise and understand the other person


CHOICE is yours...

Passive Aggressive

Assertive


The 3 As of assertive communication

Acknowledge Emotions

Accept Facts

Assure for solutions and come up to a Workable

Compromise


Exercise 1

Analyze Case 1 and 2 on Assertiveness Identify the communication styles displayed by the characters Identify the behaviors demonstrated by the characters based on the

communication styles ( Aggressive, Passive , Assertive)


CASE 1

Manoj: Amit tells me that you were late this morning. Is that right? Anand: Yes, Im very sorry. Manoj: In fact, you were more than half-an hour late? Am I correct? Anand: Yes (mumbled) Manoj: To be completely accurate and you know I like to have my facts right, you

have been more than half-an-hour late every day this week, have you not? Anand: Yes Manoj: Well, this firm does not tolerate laziness and unpunctuality. I am a fair man

(as you know), but dont beat about the bush. If this occurs more than once, we will start the disciplinary procedure against you. Do I make myself clear?

Anand: Yes


Characters Communication Style Why?

Manoj

Anand


Draft an assertive response

Anands response to Manoj


Anands Assertive response

Youre right Manoj. I have been late this week, in fact half an hour every morning this week. I shouldve have informed you in advance. Im sorry about it.

I understand that the company policy expects punctuality .I do

respect it and will adhere to it.

In the current circumstances that Im facing, however, I am sure the company will empathize and support me. Your point is well taken and I shall endeavor to be on time in the future.


CASE 2

Alex: Amit tells me that you were over half-an-hour late this morning and in fact, every morning this week. Is that correct?

Shekhar: Yes, Im very sorry. Alex: Tell me, why were you late? Shekhar: Well, the traffics been bad. Alex: Well, the traffics been bad, and you normally come to work on time. So

whats the problem? Shekhar: Wellmy mother is extremely sick. Alex: Im sorry to hear that Shekhar; it must be very tough for you, as you are

very close to your mother. Shekhar: Yes, Alex its tough alright. Alex: (pause): But, I dont see why you are late Shekhar.


CASE 2 Cont.. Shekhar: Well, my mother now needs our full time care and

attention. She cant be left even for a minute. Namita, my wife works nights and doesnt come until half past eight. I immediately set off for work, but because of the traffic Im late.

Alex: I have no problems with that at all Shekhar. This whole

position must be causing you and Namita a lot of stress. Are there any alternatives we can think of that will help mattersI wonder. Have you tried to get help from Home Help for instance?

Shekhar: No we havent actually. This all happened very suddenlylast weekend in fact.


CASE 2- Cont. Alex: Well, why dont you take the rest of the day off and see if you can set the wheels in motion. Then we can have a chat tomorrow on progress. We have to get the short term fix quickly, but there is also the longer term one to consider. Besides, you need to complete your deliverable by the end of this month. In view of our HR policies, lets all come to work on time.

Shekhar: Thanks ever so much Alex. I appreciate the urgency. May be I will have to stretch a bit to get things done by the end of this month. That should be fine.


Characters Communication Style Why?

Alex

Shekhar


Skills in Developing Assertiveness

Have basic Believes:

The right to say No The right to be listened to The right to be treated with respect The right to hold and express different views from other people. The right to ask for what you want. The right to be consulted about decisions affecting you. The right to privacy The right not to give reasons/excuses for your behavior. The right to make mistakes


Skills in Developing Assertiveness

Verbal Structure 1) Push Statements:

1) Stating Expectations______

2) Stating Views/opinions stated with a reason_______

3) Offering incentives and stating Consequences______

4) Disclosing Feelings_____ 2) Pull Statements:

1) Active Listening________

2) Asking open questions to increase understanding______

3) Building common ground of agreement________

4) Being open in order to help in the situation______


I Statements

Three parts of an I Statement: Description of specific behavior Description of your specific feelings Description of the tangible effects on you of the specific

behavior

Example: When you ask me to take on another job with a tight

deadline (Specific behavior) I feel pressured (your Specific Feeling) because I dont have the adequate time to do the new job and carry out the other work that I have to do. (tangible effects on you)


How of Communication: Voice

Tone

Unfriendly ---------------------------- Friendly

Insincere ------------------------------ Sincere

Intonation

Monotonous ---------------------------------- Varied

Pitch

Unclear ----------------------------------------- Clear

High ---------------------------------------------- Low

Speed

Slow -------------------------------------------- Fast


How of Communication: Body Language

Dos

Open posture Look directly at the speaker Smile Orient your shoulder towards the person Lean forward slightly Nod Dont

Slouch Crossed arms Hands in the pocket Swinging of legs Hands handcuffed behind Nose touching


Watch Yourself and Others

Category Aggressive Assertive Passive

How am I thinking of

myself

Superior/inferior but

desperate o hide it.

Having equal rights

with every one

Inferior- not as

important as others

What are my hands

and arms doing

Fists on the waist

Arms folded across

the chest Hands

clenched tightly Fist

thumping and finger

pointing Hand

crunching

handshakes or over

hard slaps on the

back.

Open hand

movements Inviting

to speak Arms

comfortably by sides

or arms folded

loosely

Hugging the body

Hands are tightly

clasped Wringing or

covering hand with

mouth.

How am I standing Trying to be

physically higher

Upright with head in

the air Leaning

forward to emphasize

my point.

Relaxed well

balanced Facing the

other person directly

Round shouldered

head down Crest

cramped Turning

away from others

Staying at a lower

level.


Watch Yourself and Others

Category Aggressive Assertive Passive

What are my legs and

feet doing

Feet firmly apart.

Sitting stiffly upright

Foot tapping-

swinging When

moving striding

impatiently

Feet about shoulder

width apart Weight

equally distributed

on both feet Standing

still

Shifting weight from

one foot to the other

Rolling one foot onto

its side Stepping

back, shrugging,

shuffling Standing

with weight on one

foot

Where am I looking Looking through or

past a person

Glaring-staring a

hard gaze Narrowing

of the eyes-

unblinking

Looking directly at

same level Gentle and

relaxed look Looking

away often yet

coming to back to

look at the person

Looking down and

away Avoiding eye

contact Quick furtive

glances

What is my voice like Cold-sarcastic Very

loud. Sharp

Threatening Abrupt

Clipped

Steady-firm-low

pitched Medium

volume Clear speech

Warm tones

Quiet-strained-

wobbly-whining and

child like Dull

monotone


Techniques Coping Skills Broken Record Fogging Negative Assertion 3 Line Assertion Message

Conversation Skills Self Disclosure Workable Compromise


Positive Assertion Techniques

Broken Record Technique:

Repeat over again, calmly

Dont rehearse arguments / repeat angry feelings

Stick quietly to your point, saying it in various different ways



Particularly useful when:

You are not getting what you are entitled to

You are dealing with people of authority or you feel that that the

other person has more expertise than you

The other person is likely to use put-downs or attack you verbally



Broken Record Technique: Through calm repetition stick to your point - when someone is avoiding an issue

- when someone is pressing you to do something you wish to refuse

Example You: Im not satisfied with the service, I would like to see the

Manager.

Reply: He is busy right now

You: Im sure he is, but I would still like to see him

Reply: He doesnt usually get involved in these matters

You: I can understand that but I want to see him

Reply: You will have to make an appointment and write in

You: That may be your procedure but Id like to see him now.

Reply: Well, if you would like to wait for an hour Ill see what I can do

You: Thank you but Ill wait till I meet him.



Fogging Involves training yourself to stay calm in the face of criticism and agreeing with

whatever maybe fair and useful in it. By refusing to be provoked and upset, you

remove its destructive power

The point of fogging is that it robs your critics words of their destructive power. While superficially it may seem submissive, it is in fact assertive because of what it

implies. Youre denying your critic the satisfaction of seeing you being intimidated

and disempowered.

So, if for instance someone calls you stupid, you can agree that sometimes you are. After all, everyone does foolish things sometimes.

If someone criticizes your work, you could probably agree that it could be better. Even if it is already pretty good, there are still ways in which you could always

make it better



Fogging Example Phrases like..

That could be true. I can see that you think it was a stupid way

that I behaved

Youre probably right!

Sometimes I think so myself.

You always make mistakes. To err is human

You were the last person to submit the assignment Thats right ..I did hand it in very close to the deadline

NOT

Whats the sweat? I wasnt late!

Im so sorry not to have handed it over earlier.



Power words Certain words are very powerful indeed and used in the

correct context are exceptionally persuasive

Power words and phrases are:

No

Thank you!

If



How to say NO Just say No Do not preface it with an Im sorry but Do not always feel obliged to give an explanation of your feelings:

It does not feel right to

I dont like to

I would feel compromised to

Dont feel you have to explain your reasons: Because Im already committed

Because I dont have the time

Checklist Do I really want this or am I pleasing someone else? What benefit is it to me for saying a Yes? If I do it, will I enjoy it?



The powerful Thank you! We are taught to say a please when we want something.

We are taught to say a Thank you when weve received what we asked for.

It is interesting to note what happens when instead of a

please we use the Thank you! The thank you becomes

assumptive (you assume what youve asked for will be given)

I would like some silence now. Thank you! I want you to help me. Thank you I would like your complete attention. Thank you



The Big If

The conjunction If is exceptionally powerful when you want to

make a concession or give something away.

It acts like an elastic with which you can pull back the concession,

if you dont get what you want.

If you help me with the leftover work, then I could accompany

you to the party this evening

If you get better grades, I will speak to your dad about the

Europe trip

Notice how a low priority option is coupled with a high priority

choice.


Assertion Guidelines


1. When expressing your desires, thoughts, feelings

Be as specific and clear as possible about what you:

Want

Think

Feel


2.When giving feedback

Be Direct

Deliver the message to the person for whom it is intended and not the group


3. When expressing your point of view

Own your message : I Messages

We dont agree with you vs I think differently on this I have a different view point on this


4.When not sure of what people

think, feel about your actions

Ask for feedback

Am I being clear? How do you see this situation? What do you want to do?


5.Listening(4 R)

Listen Empathetically( I feel with you)

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel- Bonny Jean

Recognize( the root of the matter) Reflect( think) Respect Respond( communicate: commit , answer, suggest.)


6. Body Language

People listen with their eyes and not with their ears

What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say

Ralph Waldo Emerson


Be prepared for

Surprise even opposition

Set small milestones

Expect failure and use it

Allow for slippage

It takes time

SMART goals


Tips for being more assertive

Deliver your message directly to the recipient Use statements that make what you want, think and feel as clear

as possible

Avoid becoming emotional when you state how you feel Own your message e.g Id really appreciate it if you Dont use generalizations such as You always or You never Do not be apologetic about your feelings, rights or opinions. Say

NO to unreasonable requests

Ask for and encourage clear specific feedback Avoid why questions to reduce the likelihood of the other person

becoming defensive

Maintain eye contact and use tone of voice and body language to reinforce your message.


"Nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood"


Questions


Thank You!

Wed love to hear from you. Please do feel free to write to us with

your comments/ suggestions/queries at

[email protected]

Assertive Communication Ver 2.1

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