Assertive Communication Skills for Managers Key …Assertive Communication Skills for Managers Key...

Assertive Communication Skills for Managers Key Terms

Glossary

Term Definition Introduced in:

ABCs of Rational Thinking

A refers to the Activating event i.e. what actually happened. B refers to your Beliefs about the activating event. Your interpretation and feelings to the event. C refers to the Consequences that occurred in reaction to the event Module 2

AggressiveTypically displaying the behavior or tendency to make his own feelings paramount and willing to hurt feelings and break ties to serve self; individual is often brash and abbrasive particularly in a conflict Module 1

AssertiveConfident and expressive, this learned conflict style equally regards the feelings of others and self; typically an individual with self-esteem and does not engage in conflict needlessly Module 1

Authoritative Having, or the illusion of having, authority over someone or something else Module 1

Body Language Gestures and physical movement used to consciously and unconsciously communicate with others Module 3

Budgetary limits limitations set due to cost or the availbility of funds Module 2

Constraints limitations or parameters that exist to define or ground a project Module 2

Non Communicative Defined by a lack of motivation or ability to communicate effectively Module 1

Pace The speed of your voice in combination with your pauses or breaks in speech Module 3

PassiveTypically displaying the behavior or tendency to regard others feelings as paramount and lacks active display of negative feelings or emotions; individual is often quiet and walked over Module 1

Passive AggressiveTypically displaying the behavior or tendency toward negative feelings, resentment, and/or aggression in an unassertive passive way; examples include stubbornness and procrastination Module 1

Pitch Focuses on the intonation of your voice – how high or how low your voice goes Module 3

Power Focuses on the volume of your voice Module 3

ReceiverThere must be someone to receive the message you send. Likewise, it’s your duty as a respectful, assertive communicator to give your unwavering attention to those when they address you. Module 4

Self-esteem The impression of the self or how you view yourself Module 1

Sender The speaker or the individual initiating communication Module 4

Assertive Skills – Module 1 Page 1

ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR MANAGERS MODULE ONE – DIFFERENT COMMUNICATION STYLES Module number one – Different Communication Styles. It’s important to note that as we

talk through the characteristics of an assertive manager, we’re talking about

behaviors and not necessarily personalities. In particular, we’re talking about

communication. The way you think about and actually communicate messages

are skills that you can learn, practice, and master. So close your eyes for just a

moment. I want you to picture someone you know when I say “assertive

manager.” Who do you think of? Do you get the image of a person who is

considered blunt or bold in his or her communication; someone who always gets

what they want? Unfortunately many people confuse aggressiveness with

assertiveness. But the end of today’s session, you’ll have an image of an

assertive manager is someone who respects people - earns respect and gives

respect, communicates to reach an agreement without belittling, intimidating or

simply controlling others. See, let’s start from the beginning. What does it really

mean to be assertive? There are many definitions for the word assertive. Some

focus on confidence, others on aggression or boldness. However, all of the

definitions have one thing in common, and that’s the term self-assured.

According to researchers Florian and Zernitsky-Shurka, being assertive is

defined as direct and appropriate communication of one’s needs, wants, and

opinions without creating fear of others in the process. For our purposes, to

maximize our success as a manager, an assertive leader, we want to recognize

that our own opinions have value, and that expressing these values in a clear

and respectful way. Now based on this definition, assertive falls on a scale


somewhere in the middle of passive behavior and aggressive behavior. See, the

difference between passive and aggressive mentalities are similar to the fight

and flight mentality often taught in psychology classes. These are natural human

reactions to events or interactions with each other. In the flight or passive

mentality, we are driven to run from it – run from stressful situations. In the fight

mentality, we’re aggressive and we’re driven to fight against a stressful situation.

However, when we’re aware of our stress reactions, we realize that we have a

choice in how we can react to anything, and it doesn’t have to be fight or flight.

Our choices are dependent on our present needs, goals, desires, confidence,

and self-esteem. By better understanding our styles and the ramifications, we

can make better decisions and can better understand our behavioral choices. So

as a starting point, let’s take a closer look at some of the easily identified patterns

found in most passive managers, and explore the magnifications of that particular

style. Now, the passive manager wants to be liked. Typically they think of

themselves as likable or friendly. Passive managers are not comfortable with

conflict and they are avoidant at all levels. Often passive managers will not

respect their own thoughts or feelings about something just to avoid conflict.

This is the person who doesn’t like to rock the boat, or is afraid that people will be

upset with them. Take a look at the characteristics listed in your handout, or here

on the screen, of passive people. They are not comfortable with conflict; they

don’t like to make decisions; they don’t actively pursue their own goals; they

allow others to make choices for them. And it’s an I-lose-you-win scenario.

Remember, when we talk about assertive managers, they recognize their own


opinions and values and they seek win-win situations. Now the passive manager

might have thoughts of I won’t offer my opinion, people might laugh at me. Or it’s

not my place to speak up. Or maybe they think that nice people don’t disagree.

Well there’s nothing wrong with being nice or a friendly person. Sometimes there

are opportunities where these qualities should take precedence. However, a

manager in general of this type of passive thoughts and communication doesn’t

increase the likelihood of building a strong team or maximized business goals. In

fact this type of style, often things don’t get done in a timely manner. Things get

put on a back burner in an attempt to avoid conflict or challenges. Managers

create the possibility of miscommunication because clear expectations are not

set. In addition, there’s no skill development because there’s no constructive

criticism being given, and people don’t know what to improve on. These are just

a few of the possible consequences of being a passive manager. Now, as you

look at some of the descriptors about passive individuals, you’ll see that passive

people aren’t always very nice. About halfway down the column, you’ll notice the

words “blames others.” Blaming is a defense mechanism for passive people who

want to be perceived as nice, perceived as having done all they could. Blamers

are the people in the meeting who might say, “Well I asked Mark for that, but he

must not have had time to get it to me.” Instead of admitting they forgot to ask

Mark to begin with, they’ll blame Mark and point the finger on someone else.

Managers who are blamers will use their staff as scapegoats, excuses for

department failures rather than backing employees up and taking responsibility

for the staff decisions and levels of productivity. Employees catch on to blamers


quickly and they have little faith in these managers’ leadership qualities. On the

same line of thought, further down the passive column you see the words “allows

others to make choices for him or her.” And a couple of boxes below that “does

not make decisions.” By allowing others to make their choices and decisions for

them, passive people shrink all responsibility for consequences, unless those

consequences are positive, of course. Most of us have known managers who

are all too happy to take credit for good choices when in fact they had nothing to

do with the choice at all. But if the choices were bad, these passive managers

will quickly throw the consequences in the face of those who made them. See,

passive people aren’t really all that nice after all. Now on the opposite side of the

spectrum is the aggressive managers. Let’s take a look at their qualities. The

characteristic behaviors and thoughts of these type of managers are winning,

intimidating, over powering, and ultimately just getting their way. Often and

unfortunately, they do not get their way by belittling, degrading, or humiliating

others. And you can probably imagine this type of behavior can accomplish

goals. However, those goals ultimately reflect only the manager’s perception.

There is no input on what, how, or when these goals might be achieved by those

who are actually doing the work. As the result of an aggressive manager, the

manager’s potential in motivating a team as an individual is greatly diminished.

In the end, this will lead to less productivity, lower quality output, and potentially

many other devastating results. Take a look at the characteristics listed in the

assertive scale on your handout. It’s interesting to note that one of the traits of

an aggressive manager is the same as a passive manager – that is that they


blame others. While passive managers blame others in a roundabout, less

obvious way, the aggressive manager is likely to literally point a finger. The

psychology between passive communication and aggressive communication is

remarkably similar. Both types of communicators are – and in this case it may

surprise you – insecure at some level. Somewhere along the line, they learn to

manipulate people, either with insincere niceness or by bullying. Obviously

manipulation is not the goal for the ideal manager. So let’s look at how to

eliminate manipulation and communicate assertively instead. Assertiveness is a

balance of the continuum on the assertive scale. The goal of the assertive

manager is to get the work done at the level of excellence while enhancing the

growth and development of those doing the work. This type of manager

communicates in a style that is accurate and respectful of the dignity of all of

those involved. Assertive managers encourage all those whom they work with to

be equally respectful of each other. So let’s look at a couple of examples and

characteristics of the assertive manager. The assertive manager is self-

confident, competent, they listen, they don’t put others down, they help others

feel good, they have the ability to praise and critique, they admit mistakes, they

understand it’s okay to change their mind, they accept criticism, and they’re

honest and direct. When we look at the consequences of this communication

style, we see that the results of an assertive communicator are quite positive.

For example, think about how you feel when you work with a manager who is

self-confident. It is likely that your own confidence is boosted when you work

with a self-confident leader. You might ask creative questions that you might


have shied away from before. So it’s very contagious. Look through other

characteristics listed on the assertive communicator and consider what are some

of the consequences or results of these characteristics? With assertive

communication, we see stronger teams and teamwork, respected leaders, a

cooperative and trusting environment, employees who know where they stand.

These are the results that every manager should be striving for. So let’s do a

couple of comparisons here and see how the assertive manager compares with

the aggressive and passive manager. Where the passive manager sometimes

thinks I’m not okay, and therefore they shy down from saying anything, the

aggressive person says you’re not okay, and I’m going to walk on you. The

assertive manager says I’m okay and you’re okay. Let’s look at another one.

The passive person says I don’t have rights. It’s okay. I’ll back off so that you

can get what you want. The aggressive person says I don’t care what you want.

My rights are more important and I’m going to get what I want. The assertive

person says we both have rights, and I’m going to respect yours and ask you to

respect mine. One more is the passive person says – doesn’t respect

themselves. The aggressive person doesn’t respect others. The assertive

person says I respect you and I respect me. Now if you’re looking at your

handout, take a few minutes, and if you have a chance to pause, go ahead and

fill in the others. How does the assertive person react in all of these situations?

Based on what you’ve just learned, it’s probably clear to you that communicating

assertively can help you become a better leader. We now know that we need to

find the balance between passive and aggressive communication. However,


mastering this type of communication takes not only learning but certainly

practice in ways to do it. So there’s going to be some obstacles in your way.

Let’s take a look at how we can overcome some of those obstacles. Self-

concept is the first obstacle that we’re going to need to overcome. Self-concept

refers to the characteristics and attributes that we believe we have. In other

words, if our theory of – it’s our theory about ourselves. The obstacles we face in

becoming more assertive exist as part of our self-concept. We have insecurities

and often a skewed self-perception. As leaders, we need to have more

confidence in ourselves. We need to think about why we were placed in a

position of leadership in the first place and focus on the job we have to do. Often

we have feelings of insufficiency when in reality, many others see us as very

competent and very capable. You probably noticed that people don’t always see

things from the same perception. Have you ever sat in a meeting where

someone was sitting next to you and had a completely different perception of

what happened during the meeting? Maybe they were frustrated or shocked by

an outcome, and your response was well, that’s the same outcome that it was

going to be. No big deal. There’s a lot of how we hear things and how we think

people react has to do with our own self-perception. It also has a lot to do with

our own personal needs. We perceive things in a way that meets our needs at

the moment in time. Thinking back to the example of the meeting, the person

who was frustrated by the outcome was probably more personally affected by

that outcome than you are. The outcome might mean extra work for him or her,

and the same or less work for you. Or maybe that you had gotten wind of an


outcome already, so your reaction during the meeting was less dramatic than

someone who heard it for the first time. The bottom line is when it comes to

communicating assertively is that people want to be respected, acknowledged,

and heard. If you can manage to behave and communicate with these three

things in mind, you will push yourself to a balanced position of an assertive

manager very, very quickly. Now there are many barriers based on our self-

concept that may prevent us from communicating assertively. Let’s walk through

three significant barriers. Barrier number one, if I assert myself, others will be

angry or upset with me. And the truth is, as a leader it is part of your job to make

decisions. Your employees colleagues expect and need you to make decisions.

Because people have different perspectives, not everyone will respond to your

decision the same way. However, if you assert yourself appropriately,

communicating clearly with respect for your own position as well as others, you

shouldn’t feel responsible for others’ reactions. More often than not, if you

consistently communicate with your team and colleagues in an assertive manner,

you’ll gain a level of respect that will lead to consistent and committed

cooperation. Whether they agree with your decision wholeheartedly or not

doesn’t matter. That they respect you enough to honor your decision is what

counts. Let’s look at an example. Jim, one of your employees, has interrupted

you four times this morning for something that is obviously not urgent. By the

fifth time, you’ve had it. You want to say to Jim, “You’ve interrupted me all day.

Can’t u see I’m busy? If you interrupt me one more time, I’m going to scream!”

You’re beyond frustrated. You’re afraid, although, that if you say the wrong thing


you’re going to make Jim very upset. So what could you do to handle the

situation? Well, keeping in mind the characteristics of an assertive

communicator, an assertive manager might calmly say something like, “Jim,

before you ask your question, I’m in the middle of finishing something up here

and I’m running short on time. If it’s something that can wait until tomorrow, I’d

greatly appreciate if you’d give me some time to finish this up. But if it’s really

urgent, let’s go ahead and talk about it right now.” This scenario is respectful of

both parties involved. You state the reality of the situation, identify your needs,

and ask that those needs be respected. At the same time, you’re respectful of

Jim’s needs – letting him know that if he really must have a minute, then you’re

willing to give it to him right now. Now the second barrier is if my assertive

communication hurts others, I’m responsible for their feelings. The truth is, most

people are going to appreciate your clear communication and your empathy. If

you’re truly communicating in an assertive manner, you should not take on the

burden of the responsibility for the way others feel or how they react to your

assertiveness. Looking again at the example of Jim who keeps interrupting you,

you can’t let your worry about how Jim will feel stop you from getting your own

work done. By interrupting, Jim is not communicating assertively. He is not

respecting your needs. Remember, part of being an assertive manager is the

expectation that those with whom you work will also communicate assertively.

Once you have been clear with Jim regarding what you need, and after providing

Jim with the understanding that you do want to hear what he has to say, it’s out

of your hands how Jim will react. Barrier number three, at all costs I must avoid


making statements or asking questions that might make me look ignorant or

might make it seem like I don’t know what I’m doing. The truth is, if you lack

information, it is better to admit it and get the information so you can make

informed decisions. And if you make a mistake, it’s better to admit the mistake

and figure out how to fix it than it is to blame someone else or let the mistake

snowball into a nightmare. Everybody has questions, and everybody makes

mistakes. Everyone – your employees, you, and your peers. Everyone will

respect you more if you show your human side. As an assertive leader, you

should be pushing that concept out to your staff as well. If they don’t ask

questions, they remain in the dark. If they don’t make mistakes, how can they

learn for things to be better in the future? Let’s take a look at an example here

and help you make some decisions about being an assertive communicator.

Let’s take a look at Susan and use an example of Susan. Susan is a manager of

six people. She knows that for the most part, her team’s workload is about

maxed out. She also knows that they are not managing their time as efficiently

as they can. Susan has let it slide for the past six months because she didn’t

want to get her team mad if she imposed a bunch of new rules and processes.

However, things are about to get a little bit tougher for Susan and her team.

Susan’s boss took another job, and now Susan reports to a new manager –

William. William’s made some changes effective immediately that will place an

administrative strain on Susan’s team. She dreads telling the team about the

new responsibilities. She fears they will think she’s given up on them, or that

she’s not on their side. So if Susan is going to handle the situation as an


assertive manner, which of the following things might she do? And I want you to

think about these things and choose which ones – and you can choose all of

them or you can choose none of them or you can choose a combination of them

– which ones should Susan do? Number one, Susan should explain to William

that her team can absolutely not take on any more administrative work. Number

two, Susan should explain to William that her team is overloaded with projects,

and all this change at one time might demotivate them. Susan might purpose a

different solution to William, such as rolling out the changes one at a time to

alleviate the mass stress it will put on the system. Number three, Susan should

tell her team this was all William’s doing and that she is just the manager.

Number four, Susan should sit down with her team and talk about the impending

changes, letting them know that they are just going to have to get on board

because change is inevitable. Number five, Susan should sit down with her team

and talk about the impending changes. She should let them know that she

realizes they are overloaded right now. She’s trying to work out a plan that will

alleviate some of the work, but she doesn’t have all the answers. She should ask

for input from her team. And number six, Susan should be very clear that they

will need to take on this extra work in some manner, and that she really needs

the team’s support on this so that they can be completely on board with the

goals. I want to challenge you to think about that. Which ones should Susan

do? One, two, three, four, five, six, all of them? Let’s take a look. If you circled

two, five, and six, you’re ahead of the game. To be an assertive leader, you

need to carry that consistent, assertive style up, down, and across the


organization. In this case, Susan should respect the fact that her boss needs this

done while considering her own needs. She should also appreciate the needs of

her team while still pushing through the directive from management. By

communicating in a non-threatening and respectful manner, Susan will get a lot

farther with both her manager and her team.

[End of recording.]

Assertive Skills Module 5 Page 1

ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR MANAGERS MODULE FIVE – THE THREE-PART MODEL FOR ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION Module number five – The Three-Part Model for Assertive Communication. To enhance

your effectiveness as a manager, we’re going to focus on a three-part model for

assertive communication. This model can be used in endless situations, and

using these skills covered throughout this entire course. Now the first step in this

three-part model is to acknowledge the others. Pay attention and acknowledge

their emotions, but don’t just buy in to the emotions by participating. To avoid

getting emotionally involved, you can use tools like what I hear you saying, or

what I see happening is. These introductory statements allow you to make and

observe rather than use an accusatory you statement. Next, remember your I

statements. Avoid the use of absolutes and exaggerations. And avoid the use of

questions other than for retrieving specific information. Start your I phrases –

excuse me, start your I statements with phrases like those of I feel, I know, I

need. And the third step in this model is to invite feedback. This keeps the

mutuality of a conversation open. As we said earlier in the session, assertive

communication respectful of all involved. It’s not a one-way communication.

Now the last thing to consider is we need to have some practice. We need to be

able to do this. And just like anything else that we do in life, the first couple of

times we do it it’s going to be uncomfortable. It’s not going to feel right. It’s not

going to feel like us. We’re going to feel sometimes like that’s not how WE

communicate. But in order for us to become assertive communicators, we have

to do something different than we’re currently doing. So if we’re currently

aggressive or passive, it’s not going to be like who we normally are. We’re going


to become assertive. So let’s use a couple of scenarios here and give you some

practice. So scenario number one is, Michael is an employee in your

department, and he wants Friday off for personal reasons. It’s going to cause the

rest of the team a great inconvenience. How could you respond to that? And

just go ahead and take a couple of seconds – ten seconds – and write down your

response. Remember I statements. Remember, only ask questions if you have

to. Here’s one suggestion on how you might answer that question, or how you

might solve that scenario. “Michael, I understand you want Friday off.

Unfortunately, this will put the team behind on the project. Could you take a day

after the project deadline, or perhaps work over to make up the time to stay on

schedule?” This would allow – notice we acknowledged Michael. We used an I

statement – I understand. And then we clarified and asked a question to be able

to see if there might be another solution. So that might be one scenario. Let’s

look at a second scenario. An employee, Abby, is late for the third time this

week. How might you handle that one? Five more seconds. Remember your I

statements. Well here’s a suggestion. “Abby, I see that you arrived after 8:30

three times this week. I expect you to be on time.” Now you could go on and

ask, “Please tell me what’s causing you to be late.” You want to avoid why are

you late, because that can come off as accusatory. Avoid why questions and

use what questions or how questions a little bit better. How can you be on time

is another question you might ask here. Let’s look at the third scenario. Stewart,

a supervisor in your department, has accused you of never listening to his ideas.

How might you respond to Stewart? Take about ten seconds and write down


your answer. Remember your I statements. Here’s one suggestion. “I

understand your frustration about not feeling listened to. What specifically makes

you feel that way?” Again, we’re addressing and acknowledging Stewart. We’re

using an I statement. We’re engaging with him to find out more information. So

of course none of this is going to come natural. It takes practice. And it takes

time. Don’t get frustrated with yourself if you find yourself not doing it

immediately. Make it a practice that every day, you review a conversation and

you try to find a way to become more assertive with that conversation. And

slowly over time, you’re going to find that you’re going to become a more

assertive manager. You’re going to find more solid interactions with your team.

And you’re going to find a happier work environment.

[End of recording.]


ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR MANAGERS MODULE FOUR – LISTENING SKILLS Listening Skills, module number four. No communication – passive, assertive, or

aggressive – can occur without a sender and a receiver. There must be

someone to receive the message you send. You can’t just toss your message

out there and assume everyone understands it. Likewise, it’s your duty as a

respectful, assertive communicator to give your unwavering attention to those

when they address you. Effective listening assures the transmission and receipt

of information. We literally could spend hours on listening skills, so we’re just

going to touch the tip of the iceberg here today. The topic of listening is one of

the skills that require most practice for people, and it is arguably the most

important managerial skill to have. Let’s review some basic principles of

listening. Most of us operate in fast-moving environments, and our lives and our

jobs force us to multitask. However, in order to listen appropriately, you must do

one thing at a time. To show the other person that you care about what they

have to say and that you’re doing your best to understand what they are saying,

you must drop what you’re doing and give them your full attention. See, listening

is a full time job. While most of us can hear, few of us can truly effectively listen.

There’s a big difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is merely

receiving sound, whereas listening is proactive and requires concentrated effort.

To listen effectively, you must physically turn yourself towards the speaker,

making eye contact to show that you’re ready to receive the message. If you’re

on the phone, this readiness is indicated by verbal clues like yeah, uh-huh, um-

hmm. Most of us indicate our readiness to listen by nodding our heads, even


when we’re on the phone and the other person can’t see us. We often use our

vocal clues to let the speaker know that we understand them and we want them

to continue. However, overuse of nodding and vocal clues can come across as

insincere, hurry-up body language. Too much nodding and uh-huh-ing make the

speaker think you’re not listening to them. And he or she will rush the message

and get it in before you give up on them altogether. Pay as close attention to

your nonverbal language and listening. You should listen for feelings as well as

facts, using your eyes and your intuition as well as your ears to hear the whole

message. As we said earlier, you can tell when someone’s words are betrayed

by their actions. Listen for the main idea disregarding the sidetracks. Some

people take sidetracks as part of their everyday conversation. Others take

sidetracks when they’re emotionally charged. Ignore their sidetracks and focus

on the main point that they’re trying to make. Now it’s important that you listen

without interrupting, especially when we’re in a hurry. We tend to jump in and

finish other people’s thoughts, and we think we know what they’re trying to say.

We’re often wrong, though. And not only is this disrespectful of the other person,

but it wastes time when we’re trying to get the information. Now the speaker has

to backtrack, regroup, and try again. Just save yourself time by listening

effectively the first time. Lastly, you want to prepare feedback and paraphrase.

At the end of the statement, would you please add these words – after the

speaker is done. After the speaker is done. Never prepare your feedback while

the speaker is speaking. This takes your attention away from the speaker’s

message and you want to focus and refocus your attention on the speaker until


they are finished. Now when the speaker finishes their statement, we reflect

back on what we heard and the terms and feelings and content. For instance,

you might say something like, “It sounds like you’re a little frustrated with the

situation. What I hear you saying is that your coworker is not providing you with

the information you need in a timely manner. Is that correct?” This type of

feedback not only clarifies the message, but also acknowledges the speaker’s

feelings and allows them to respond in a timely manner. By closely listening and

hearing and focusing on the speaker, you’ll be able to get all the information and

truly be able to communicate assertively with your participant.

[End of recording.]


ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR MANAGERS MODULE THREE – EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS Module number three – Effective Communication Skills. Assertiveness doesn’t just

happen. And, in fact, it can't be completely effective without the ability and skills

required for effective communication - skills such as the words you use, your

voice, your body language, and the art of listening. So let’s start with the words.

We’re going to look and focus on statements and moving from what we call “you”

statements to “I” statements in order to remain in an assertive rather than an

aggressive style of communication. Let’s take a look at an example of you

versus I statement. You just don’t understand. That’s a very common you

statement. You statements start with the word “you.” In order to turn this into an

I statement, which is much less aggressive, much less blaming, we want to start

with the word “I.” We might say something like, “I have not made myself clear,

and that is causing some misunderstanding.” Notice here you hear the speaker

taking responsibility and not blaming. So another example of turning a you

statement into an I statement might be, “You make me angry.” You make me

angry, remember earlier we said you are responsible for your own reactions. So

nobody can make us angry. Our anger is our own responsibility. Anger is also a

secondary emotion that results from embarrassment, frustration, confusion, or

another emotion. In the ABCs of rational thinking, C is a consequence of our

beliefs that A is the activating event. So to reword the you statement, you make

me angry, into an assertive positive I statement, you could say, “I’m frustrated

by,” or “I’m confused about,” thus opening up the communication for the other

person rather than shutting it down by using an accusatory statement. Let me


give you one more script that might help you converting you statements into I

statements. This little script is a really easy one and you can use it in multiple

different areas. It’s I feel, and you fill in how you feel, when you. That’s all. I feel

when you. For example, instead of saying you only think about yourself, instead

say I feel frustrated when you don’t ask me what I want. In order for you to get

more practice, because truly you’re not going to learn assertive communication

unless you’re able to practice it. Here are several examples that are in your

handout, and either now or when you have a moment, sit down and go ahead

and convert these you statements into I statements. The first one is you’re not

doing your share. You expect too much of me. You must stop interrupting. You

don’t keep me informed. You don’t listen. Don’t speak to me that way. And

consider, how can you convert those you statements into I statements? Take a

few minutes if you have it to go ahead and do that right now. The next tool for

assertive communication is using statements versus questions. A question is

assertive if you actually require information, or if you want to make a request.

However too often, we ask a question when we should be making a statement.

It’s more assertive to make a statement than it is to ask a question. So for

example, maybe you’ve heard someone say, “Why do you always arrive late?”

This really is not a question. You’re not really looking for the answer. You really

should be making a statement here. It’s very accusatory because it focuses on

the “you.” So we can convert that to a statement by saying, “I expect you to be

on time.” This is a clear, assertive statement. You can then go further with the

employee to find out there’s a legitimate reason for the tardiness, and if there’s a


way you can help him or her with being punctual. In your handout, we’ve

included several more questions that need to be converted to statements. So

take a look at these. Why can’t you see that I am busy? How can you expect

me to do all of this? Why do you wait until the last minute? Could you do this by

noon? Why am I always the last to know? So take a moment if you have it and

go ahead and write in your handout the answers. What are the statements, or

the I statements, behind these questions? Next, we’re going to look at some

words to avoid when making I statements. These are words like little, kind of,

sort of, perhaps, you are, I disagree, or maybe my favorite – yeah, but. These

are weak words, and what these do is they really create unclear, wishy-washy

communication. We also want to avoid absolutes like always, never. These are

dangerous because nothing in human communication is absolute. Take the

above example. Why do you always arrive late? Does the employee really

always arrive late? If so, surely you would have documented that behavior and

had the employee on a disciplinary plan. So always and never are just as

unclear as kind of and sort of. Assertive communication is precise

communication. While it takes a lot of practice to learn how to avoid these words

while speaking, and especially when reacting to an event, having this list handy

can certainly help you in written communication and remind you which words to

be avoiding. So we’ve considered three communication tools so far using I

versus you, using statements and sets of questions, and avoiding words that are

not clear or that may be too aggressive or too passive. Now let’s take a look at

some voice tools. Assertive communication recognizes that the emotional


content is perceived as the most important part of the message. In other words,

when you’re speaking with someone, it’s how you deliver the message that

makes all the difference. Our voices have a lot to do with how a message is

delivered and interpreted. Considering how we use our voices, we’re going to

look into three Ps – that’s Pitch, Power, and Pace. Pitch focuses on the

intonation of your voice – how high or how low your voice goes. Power focuses

on the volume. Pace is the speed of which your voice in combination with your

pauses or breaks. When we look at the three Ps, we realize that the way we say

something can drastically affect the message we’re trying to convey. Let’s look

at an example. Let’s use the sample statement, “I think Mike can do it.” Let me

say it in three different ways, and see if you can pick up the differences. The first

way, I THINK Mike can do it. The second way, I THINK MIKE can do it. And the

third way, I think MIKE can do it. Could you tell a difference? See, different tone

of voice, totally different message. One was passive, one was assertive, and

one was aggressive. Typically the passive voice is higher pitched with a

moderate volume and pace that is slow and hesitant. The aggressive voice is

typically more strength in the pitch and a higher volume or power, and usually a

more rapid pace. Our assertive voice is controlled in pitch, volume, pace,

flexibility, and appropriate to the content. In order for our vocal cues to be

relevant, there needs to be a direct and compatible correlation in what we say

and what we don’t say. This brings us to nonverbal or body language cues. Our

nonverbal communication might be the most critical aspect of what we say or

don’t say. The bottom line with nonverbal communication is this – we can’t NOT


communicate. How we stand, how our face looks, our eye contact, our proximity

– these are all things that affect the message we’re communicating. Has anyone

ever said yes to you with their voice, but said no to you with their face? Let’s

look at this list of nonverbal body cues that communicate a strong message

without you ever even saying a word. Your facial expressions – this is your

smile, your frown, your scowls. Gestures – are the gestures that you make

appropriate to the message you intend, or do they seem contrived? What are

you doing with your hands or your arms as you speak? Could nervous habits be

distracting from what you’re trying to say? This is more challenging

psychologically than it is physically. Our eyes – our eye contact betrays our

emotions. So sometimes it’s difficult to make appropriate eye contact. Aim for

about five seconds of eye contact at a time with brief glances away from the

person or the people you’re addressing. Too much eye contact and you’re

intimidating. But too little eye contact can make you look like you’re hiding

something. Now pasture and stance – consider how you carry yourself. Do you

maintain an open posture with your head held high and your shoulders

comfortably back? Do you convey ease and confidence? Are you closed off?

Do you have your arms crossed in front of you? Are your shoulders rounded?

For Americans, about an arm length is about normal distance for person to

person communication. But beware of cultural differences also. Remove

barriers such as desks or tables for the most effective interpersonal

communication. Eye level relationships – this refers to the physical level of your

eye to eye communication. Are you higher than the person you’re speaking


with? A higher position is typically perceived as one of authority, while a level

position is best for mutual communication. Try to place yourself at the same

physical eye level as the person you’re speaking with. Your appearance – what

do you communicate with your physical appearance? Even if you’re not in the

greatest physical shape, you can still present a polished image with proper

grooming and wardrobe. Consider the clothes you choose, the polish on your

shoes, the cleanliness of your uniform, suit, or outfit. Stride – how quickly or

slowly do you move about the workplace? Do you move comfortably with a

confident yet relaxed stride? Or do you move quickly with tension and stress in

your body? Finally, consider your touch. Handshake is the most common form

and one of the most acceptable forms of touch in the workplace. And handshake

can create an instant perception of a person’s personality or confidence level. Is

your handshake firm and confident, but not overbearing? As you can see,

there’s a lot to consider. The nonverbal and how they relate to our assertiveness

can communicate a lot more than anything that we say. And see, we’ve got to

remember that we cannot not communicate. Our body is always going to be

saying something, and the nonverbal give away the clues to how we feel. And in

fact if we’re saying we’re very happy and frowning, and our pasture is closed, the

message doesn’t match. And oftentimes, people will believe our body over our

words any time. So remember that gaining attention is the first step of any

communication, and nonverbal action can certainly accomplish this.

[End of recording.]


ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR MANAGERS MODULE TWO – FOUR R’S OF ASSERTION Module Two – Four R's of Assertion. While we’re looking at assertive communication,

we need to look at how to be assertive. And while we may logically select the

proper choices in becoming assertive, our development as an assertive manager

needs to be found as more than a choice that can be challenged by emotion on a

day to day basis. It must be founded on the belief system in which assertation

has its foundations. If your spoken words are mechanical or insincere, they’re

going to be worthless. So to be effective as an assertive manager, you have to

expand your belief system – include the principles upon which assertive

managers ultimately become dependent. That belief system is epitomized in the

four R’s of assertion. The four R’s are Respect for yourself and others; Rights of

yourself and others; Responsibility of yourself to others; and Rational thinking.

So let’s start by looking at the first R – Respect for yourself and others. Self-

respect is the basis of all our relationships. If you have low self-respect or low

self-esteem, it’s very difficult for you to be respectful of others, and it is equally

unlikely that others will respect you. Others will treat you as you see yourself

being treated. Children get their self-esteem from external sources, usually

parents, teachers or relatives. When a child does something well, he or she is

rewarded with praise over time and develops a sense of self-worth or self-

esteem. By the time we are adults, our self-esteem is intrinsic from internal

sources. It’s not an event in and of itself that affects our self-esteem, but the

intrinsic reaction to an event. In other words, if the event is getting laid off, it isn’t

getting laid off that affects our self-esteem. It’s our internal reaction to getting


laid off. We might think, oh, I must not be good enough to be kept around. They

were probably looking for a way to get rid of me anyway. The problem is, what

we think of ourselves affects what others think of us. If we think we are good

enough to be retained as an employee, if we don’t think we’re good enough to

get retained as an employee, how are we going to get a new job? The good

news is you can increase your self-esteem, and therefore increase yourself

respect. There are several components of increasing your self-esteem. Take a

look at this list here as well as the list in your handout, rejecting perfectionism.

We need to reduce having to think that we have to be perfect. It’s okay to be

good. It’s okay to want to be better. But being perfect is never attainable. We

want to have realistic expectations, really knowing what we can accomplish, and

what is realistic for us. We want to limit our TV viewing and be selective of the

programs that we do watch. Our brain is a sponge, and if we put negativity in,

we’re going to get negativity out. We want to concentrate on strengths – not

weaknesses. We want to make our strengths better and our weaknesses

irrelevant. Too often we spend our time trying to get better at things that really

aren’t our strengths, and we keep our eye on the hole in the donut instead of

what we have. We need to engage in positive self-talk. This means eliminating

the I can’t, or I’m not good enough, or they don’t like me, or it won’t work for me.

We need to start programming ourselves for success. We can do it. We have

the ability. If they can do it, I can do it. We want to view your employment role

positively. I understand we may not all love our jobs, but we still need to be

positive about the environment that we’re in. And of course engage in lifelong


learning. We can’t change old thoughts be recirculating the old thoughts. The

only way to change old thoughts is to replace them with new thoughts, and the

only way to get new thoughts is we have to be learning. Of course we want to

avoid the tyranny of shoulds. Don’t let people should on you. Should is a value

judgment. You should do this, you shouldn’t do that. Substitute the word could

for should, and emphasize it as a choice. I could do that, and then follow the

statement with I will or I won’t. And this allows you to stay in charge of your life

and act by choice rather than reaction. Of course exercise – and it’s more than

just weight loss or better muscle tone. The key word here is endorphins because

these chemicals are the positive impact on the body and the mind. And of

course reject better-than thinking. We want to avoid putting ourselves where we

believe we’re better than somebody else. We’re all people. We’re all born of the

same material, we all breathe the same oxygen, we all eat the same food. We

are equal. So we want to avoid the better-than thinking, which often causes

those challenges. The second R of the four R’s is Rights of yourself and others.

Many times our self-development and assertiveness training is hindered by

thinking that others’ rights always come before our own. As children we are

taught to let other kids play with our toys, to share our candy. And we’re

encouraged to let guests in our home to have first dibs on everything because it’s

the polite thing to do. That mindset of putting others’ needs first sticks with us as

we grow up. What are your rights as a person, as a manager, or as a leader of

the organization? Well sometimes we put our rights behind others because of

this thinking. We have ten basic personal rights, and these are listed in your


handout as well as on the screen here, is to express your beliefs, opinions, to be

in charge of your own life, to be able to change, to be less than perfect. It’s okay

if you’re not perfect. To act, think and feel without explaining or justifying; to

decide if it’s your role to solve others’ problems; choose your own behavior,

thoughts, feelings, and attitude to make your own decisions, to evaluate yourself

independently, and to refuse to worry about those things you cannot control.

Now the third R in the four R’s of ascertain is Responsibility for yourself and

others. Rights and responsibilities go hand in hand. How do you balance the

two? Let’s take a look at that here in a moment. But assertiveness becomes

aggression when it is used without concern or responsibility towards others, their

situations, or their feelings. As a manager, it’s important to remember that you’re

responsible to employees by being clear about expectations and consequences,

but you are not responsible for the choices that the employee makes. See,

assertiveness can happen when our responsibility to our self is balanced with our

responsibility to others. The key terms here are to others and not FOR others.

The rights and responsibility worksheet in your handout will help you walk

through this to be able to balance those two. Let’s take a look at the first one

here. I have the right to go ahead on my own job, in my own way – excuse me. I

have the right and responsibility to go ahead with my own job in my own way

when objectives and constraints have been clarified. Absolutely you have that

right. But with that comes a responsibility. And that responsibility is staying with

the limits that have been established. What else? There might be other limits

there. Perhaps there’s budgetary limits. Perhaps there’s time limits. Perhaps


there’s other constraints. You want to fill in the responsibility. Now if you’re

following along in your handout, let’s take a look at the second one. You have

the right to have a role in selecting the people that you manage. Absolutely, as a

manager, you do have that right. But with that right becomes the responsibility to

understand the process in how to effectively select them. So we want to balance

rights and responsibilities. And this will help us to stay and remain an assertive

communicator. Now let’s look at the fourth R of assertion. It’s Rational thinking.

Not all learned lessons are found in fact. All things that we think about need to

be challenged or reevaluated depending on the present situation and

responsibilities. This last R is intended to shed light on how irrational beliefs can

lead to negative consequences, and to refocus on how using rational thoughts

can contribute to positive outcomes. Now psychological research tells us that it

is not the event itself that hurts us, but our response to it. Like the example of

getting laid off, many behavioral psychologists use a method called ABCs of

Rational Thinking. This was first developed by Dr. Robert Albert Ellis. And it’s a

way to pull apart and analyze events that took place and our reaction to those

events as well as the consequences. So let’s take a look at that. A refers to the

Activating event. In other words, what do you think happened? What started

things off? And what would the camera see? What actually happened is A. B

refers to your Beliefs about the activating event. What did you tell yourself about

the event after it happened? What are your feelings or reactions that you thought

about? And C refers to the Consequences – how did you react to your

perception of that event? What behaviors did you display? What did you think


about it? What consequences occurred? So let’s take a look at a couple of

examples here to better understand this. Let’s meet Robert, a young man who

tends to doubt himself. Robert imagines that other people don’t like him very

much, and that they’re not very friendly to him, and the only reason they talk to

him is because they feel sorry for him. One day on a lunch break, Robert passes

a coworker in the hallway. He smiled at the coworker and says hello. The

coworker doesn’t return his greeting. Robert reacts negatively. So let’s take a

look and break this down into the ABC components. A is the coworker passed

Robert in the hall without acknowledging him. B is his belief or the activating

event. So in this case, Robert has the following thoughts: He’s ignoring me; he

doesn’t like me; I could end up without friends forever, and that would be terrible;

for me to be happy and feel worthwhile, I need people to like me; nobody wants

to be my friend; I must be a worthless person. C is focusing on the

consequences. Because of Robert’s irrational feelings about the event, he feels

worthless or depressed. As a result, Robert’s behavior changes. He starts to

avoid people in general. Someone with self-confidence would think more

rationally and would react in a totally different way. So let’s take a look at

Thomas and see how his thought process produces his reaction. Our activating

event A is the exact same as Robert’s – the coworker passes Thomas in the

hallway without acknowledging him. Thomas’s beliefs about the event are, well

he didn’t ignore me deliberately; he must not have heard me; he might have had

something on his mind; maybe he needs help with something. The ultimate

consequence from this rational thought is that Thomas is concerned about his


coworker and he actually calls his coworker to see how he’s doing. See, this

example shows two different ways of reacting to the same event. It can lead to

different consequences and behaviors. The irrational consequences and

behaviors are counterproductive, while those based in rational thought lead to

enhanced relationships and counter productivity. Certainly these examples may

be extreme opposites. However, they bring us back to the point that this is

important to remember the following: think rationally. Remember that not

everyone reacts to the event in the same way. If an event causes an irrational

reaction in you, stop and analyze the consequences and beliefs behind the

consequences. Once you shed rational light on it, on an irrational response, you

can move forward productively rather than letting irrational emotions wreak havoc

and cause potentially devastating consequences. Now let’s tie this back to our

early discussion about passive and aggressive communicators. Neither pacifists

– excuse me, neither passive nor aggressive communicators would think

rationally in the above scenario. A passive communicator is likely to think like

Robert. Someone doesn’t like me; it’s over; is horrible. An aggressive

communicator might go something like, “I can’t believe he just ignored me. Who

does he think he is? What did I ever do to him?” And would have a totally

different reaction. Or the aggressive communicator might confront the coworker

on the spot. Certainly neither one of these would produce a very productive

relationship. So as you can see, what we discussed so far, becoming assertive

is a very personal matter. It requires a different action plan for each person

because it’s based on the foundation that you currently have. If you put your own


action plan together will require some homework. A good start is to walk through

some of the exercises in this handout and begin thinking about how you might be

a little more assertive. In what situations can you be a little less passive and a

little more assertive, or a little less aggressive and a little more assertive?

[End of recording.]

Assertive Communication Skills for Managers Key …Assertive Communication Skills for Managers Key...

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