Arrested Development - S04E01 - Three's Company (SS)

arrested development

"Three's Company"

Written by

Paul Linstrot

Based on Arrested Development

Created by Mitchell Hurwitz

Paul Linstrot102 Crespi Dr. San Francisco, CA 94132(510)[email protected]

“THREE’S COMPANY”

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. FOX 6 NEWSROOM - DAY1 1

An anchorman sits behind a graphic reading “Housing Trouble”.

JOHN BEARDA major development at the Bluth Company, as new management vows to revive the troubled Bluth Empire. Did the Bluths give in and sell out? The answer... after this:

EXT. SAN DIEGO APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING (DAY ONE)2 2

Chyron: “San Diego, California. Two days earlier.” MICHAEL leads GEORGE-MICHAEL, blindfolded, to the red-bowed stair-car.

NARRATOR (V.O.)This is Michael Bluth. He and his son have left the family buisness and are on their own for the first time; free at last.

MICHAELAlright, George-Michael, have a look.

GEORGE-MICHAEL(TAKES OFF BLINDFOLD)

You’re giving me the stair-car?

MICHAELIt’s all yours, buddy. Just know you’re gonna get hop-ons.

GEORGE-MICHAELDad. I don’t know what to say.

MICHAELThe look on your face is thanks enough.

Michael pulls his son in for an awkward hug.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Yes. Michael Bluth was finally free...

INT. SAN DIEGO APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER3 3

Michael and son enter and turn on the answering machine.

NARRATOR (V.O.) ...unfortunately, some things just aren't meant to last.

LUCILLE (VOICE MAIL)(DISTRESSED)

Michael, it’s your mother. I’m not sure how to tell you this but... It’s your father. He’s dying.

Michael looks over, shocked, at George-Michael.

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT LOGO

EXT. BALBOA TOWERS APARTMENT COMPLEX - EVENING5 5

The stair-car, red bow still attached, pulls up.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Hours later, Michael and his son arrived at his mother’s apartment.

INT. LUCILLE’S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT - EVENING6 6

Michael rushes in to find LUCILLE in the kitchen.

MICHAELWhere is he?

LUCILLE(INNOCENT)

Who?

MICHAELDad!

LUCILLEOh, he’s in the bedroom, watching his show.

Cut to: GEORGE SR. in the bedroom watching an episode of “Mr. Banana Grabber” and laughing hysterically.

MICHAELYou told me he was dying!

Arrested Development EP. #4XXX01 04/07/08 2.

LUCILLEOh, he is, Michael. His life’s work is dying.

MICHAELGeorge-Michael, wait outside.

George-Michael leaves and closes the door.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)I can’t believe you. I told you I’m done with this company. I’m out.

LUCILLEMichael, I need your help or there won’t be any company. Sitwell’s trying to buy us out.

MICHAELIsn’t that what you wanted?

LUCILLEOh, it was, Michael, but let’s just say... we had a falling out.

(LAUGHS)

I/E. QUEEN MARY OCEAN LINER - DAY - (FLASHBACK)7 7

Lucille is on the BRIDGE with the Captain.

NARRATOR (V.O.)During her great escape from the S.E.C., Lucille went to great lengths to ensure her getaway.

LUCILLECan’t this thing go any faster?

CAPTAINThe extra weight is slowing us down.

EXT. QUEEN MARY OCEAN LINER - MOMENTS LATER8 8

On the deck, two Hot Cops have STAN SITWELL by the arms.

SITWELLDon’t you do this to me, Lucille! Don’t you do this!

LUCILLEIt’s just business.

Sitwell is tossed over the edge and Lucille laughs.


INT. LUCILLE’S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT - CONT’D6 6

Lucille’s present laughter dies down.

MICHAELSo you didn’t have a falling out, you had him thrown overboard. Is that it?

LUCILLE Oh, what’s the difference, Michael? It’s a bad offer now, and with Buster off getting his new hand, the board’s eager to sell quick.

MICHAELYou put Buster in charge?

LUCILLEWhat else was I supposed to do? My own son abandoned the family to go off god-knows-where. The family needs you, Michael. I need you.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Michael could tell that his mother was desperate.

MICHAEL(RELUCTANT)

...What do you want?

LUCILLE An old friend of your father owns some cat company and I’ve gotten them to put up an offer to try and outbid Sitwell.

MICHAELCat company?

INT. IRAQI CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY - (FLASHBACK)9 9

An Iraqi store owner un-boxes a new product: a scary square device with a picture of a cat shoddily painted on it.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Iraqi business “M.M.I.” famously marketed a product that failed to connect with the public.

OWNER (SUBTITLE)(READING THE ARABIC LABEL)

Cat poisoner?


INT. LUCILLE’S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT - CONT’D6 6

LUCILLEI want you to tell them M.M.I. would be the best choice for the company.

MICHAELSo you want me to lie to the board?

LUCILLELie is such a harsh word.

INT. APARTMENT COMPLEX HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS10 10

MAEBY pulls George-Michael into the apartment across the way. *

NARRATOR (V.O.)Meanwhile across the hall.

INT. LINDSAY AND TOBIAS’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS11 11

MAEBYI can’t believe you’re back!

GEORGE-MICHAELMaeby!

MAEBYI’ve been going crazy without you here.

GEORGE-MICHAELWhat? You have?

MAEBYYeah. Mort wants a proposal by Friday and all I’ve got to show for it is a too-dense plot and no marketing hook.

George-Michael looks confused.

INT. TANTAMOUNT MOVIE STUDIO OFFICE - DAY - (FLASHBACK)12 12

[EXCERPTED FROM “DEVELOPMENT ARRESTED”]

A famous Hollywood icon meets with Maeby and Mort.

NARRATOR (V.O.)In her formerly-secret life as a movie producer, Maeby was assigned to develop a film based on the story of the Bluth Company.


INT. TANTAMOUNT MOVIE STUDIO OFFICE - LATER - (FLASHBACK)13 13

Maeby works at her desk while her assistant stands nearby.

MAEBYIs ‘embezzle’ with an ‘A’ or an ‘I’?

ASSISTANTUh... I think it’s ‘E’s.

(SOUNDS LIKE ’ease’)

MAEBYApparently not for you. Ugh! It’s like I’m working with a child.

INT. LINDSAY AND TOBIAS’S APARTMENT - CONT’D11 11

MAEBYI’ve been looking for something juicy and incriminating to get a greenlight.

GEORGE-MICHAELOn the family?

MAEBYI tore through the model home, but someone’s moved all of Pop-Pop’s files.

MICHAEL (O.S.)(ENTERS)

George-Michael?

GEORGE-MICHAEL(STEPS BACK FROM MAEBY)

Dad!

MICHAELListen, buddy, it turns out we’re gonna be staying for a couple of days. Just while I help out your Gangy with the company.

GEORGE-MICHAELI thought she wasn’t allowed to do anything with the business before the trial?

MICHAELWhat? No-- No, she’s not working with the company. She asked me to... I offered to help straighten some things out. You know what I always say, family first.


GEORGE-MICHAELBut you said the family had screwed us over too many times and that the only family that mattered anymore was you and me.

Michael straightens up and glances over at Maeby.

MICHAEL(UNCOMFORTABLE)

Yup...

TOBIAS (O.S.)Well, if it isn’t Michael Bluth!

TOBIAS enters in a bathrobe.

MICHAEL(RELIEVED)

Tobias!

Tobias gathers Michael into an awkward hug.

TOBIAS How are you?

Michael pulls away and Tobias sighs happily.

MICHAEL Somebody’s happy to see me.

TOBIASOh, my mannish exterior may appear that way, but inside I’m like a fairy who’s lost her wings.

MICHAELDon’t say that.

TOBIASNo, it’s true, Michael. Lindsay’s left me for another man.

MICHAEL(CONCERNED)

It’s not me, is it?

TOBIASWhat? No. You’re not her type.

MICHAELGob?


TOBIASMichael, you sick fuck. That’s my wife you’re talking about!

MAEBYSoon to be ex-wife.

TOBIAS(UNCHARACTERISTIC ANGER)

Go to your room!

MICHAELWhoa, whoa. Calm down, Tobias.

TOBIASYou’re right, Michael. I’m sorry. It’s just, how can I compete with a real man?

MICHAELYou mean ‘another’ man.

TOBIASNo. She’s too busy to even notice me anymore.

EXT. STEPS OF CITY HALL - DAY - (FLASHBACK)14 14

Protesters stand by a banner reading “Save Darfur”, holding signs such as “End the Genocide!” and “Stop the Slaughter!” LINDSAY, wearing a large fur jacket, is being interviewed.

NARRATOR (V.O.)After discovering that she was actually forty, Lindsay decided to return to her activist roots.

CAMERAMAN...it’s ‘Dar’fur not ‘our fur’

LINDSAYI thought they just spelled it like pirates?

Tobias approaches from behind in his pirate costume from the Pilot episode, but turns back, disappointed.

EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE “BEARD’S HONEY FARM” - DAY - (FLASHBACK)15 15

Protesters hold signs like “Boulevards Bother Bees,” “We Want Our Honey,” and “No Balboa without B’s.” Lindsay, wearing an “S.O.B.s” tanktop, stands in the road with a jackhammer.


LINDSAY(SHOUTS)

For the bees!

TOBIAS (O.C.)Beads?

She starts the jackhammer as two cops move to stop her.

EXT. BLUTH COMPANY OFFICE BUILDING - DAY - (FLASHBACK)16 16

Activists have gathered to protest the potential deal with M.M.I. Signs present include: “Cats are People Too,” “M.M.Why?,” “No War For Oil,” and “Bluths hate Pussy”.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Her most recent cause had introduced her to a new man.

Lindsay notices a cute guy with the sign “Cat Death IS Murder” standing next to her and begins to flirt with him.

LINDSAYSo how about cats?

MAN(MONOTONE)

I love cats.

LINDSAYGet out! Me too! Oh, what am I thinking? I’m Lindsay Bluth.

TOBIAS (O.S.)Fünke.

MAN (HESITANT)

Scott. And I know who you are.

LINDSAYYou noticed me?

Pan over to Tobias, who has brought flowers, and is crushed at the sight of the two seemingly flirting.

INT. LINDSAY AND TOBIAS’S APARTMENT - CONT’D11 11

TOBIASI’m all alone while they’re out protecting the cats.


MICHAELNo. They’re protesting. And it’s a company, M.M.I. They’re here to buy out the Bluth Company.

GEORGE-MICHAEL

Someone’s buying the Bluth

Company?

TOBIAS(INTRIGUED)

Mime Company?

Tobias walks off in his own thoughts.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)(TO GEORGE-MICHAEL)

That’s why I need to stay for a few days. To make sure things works out.

TOBIAS(TO HIMSELF)

You’re a genius!

INT. MODEL HOME - NIGHT17 17

Michael and his son enter the house to find it a mess. It’s clear someone has been carelessly moving things around.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Later that night, Michael and his son returned to the model home for the first time.

MICHAEL(TO GEORGE-MICHAEL)

Hold on a sec. It looks like some vagrants have been living here.

GOB (O.S.)Oh, that’s my girlfriend’s.

GOB appears, disheveled, from within the kitchen.

MICHAEL

I should have known.

GOBMichael. Nephew. I was wondering when you’d come back. Your banana’s been sitting on that table for days. I think it’s gone bad.


MICHAELThat’s plastic-- And we’ve been gone for three months.

GOBMore like three years! Am I right? Am I right? Yeah, yeah...

GEORGE-MICHAEL(SOFTLY)

Yeah.

MICHAELWhat the hell are you doing here, Gob?

GOBI’ve been disgraced by the family, Michael. Where would you have me go, huh? The moon? Out on the street like an animal?

MICHAELWhat happened?

GOBMother hates me.

MICHAELWhy? Did she say that?

GOBYes.

EXT. QUEEN MARY OCEAN LINER - DAY - (FLASHBACK)18 18

Two Hot Cops have Gob by the arms, dragging him overboard.

GOBCome on!

INT. MODEL HOME - CONT’D17 17

Gob goes in to hug his brother, tears streaming down his face.

MICHAEL(UNCOMFORTABLE)

Alright, alright. There, there. That’s enough.

GOB(SOBBING)

She hates me, Mikey. She really hates me.


MICHAELDon’t say that.

Gob abruptly pulls back from the embrace.

GOBWell, I hate her worse! I will have my revenge.

MICHAELLet’s not--

GOBI’ve got my plan all figured out. A magic trick.

MICHAELA magic trick?

GOBI don’t think so.

MICHAELWhat?

GOBI’m gonna put on a magic trick.

MICHAELFor...?

GOBTo get revenge on mother, silly.

MICHAELA magic trick?

GOB(CONDESCENDING)

Somebody's slow.

MICHAELYep.

GOBI’ve been trying to get these sleeves to work all week, but...

Gob flings his arm in a dramatic motion and lighter-fluid flies out and knocks over a glass shelf by the stairs.

MICHAELWhoa there. Why don’t we just start with the basics?


GOBThese are the basics.

Michael sighs, exasperated.

INT. BLUTH COMPANY OFFICE - DAY19 19

The office is a mess, with desks unorganized, employees acting unprofessionally, and seemingly no work getting done.

NARRATOR (V.O.)The next day Michael arrived at the office to discover things had gotten out of hand in his absence. So he decided to motivate the staff.

INT. BLUTH COMPANY OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER20 20

Employees stand in front of Michael as he speaks to them.

MICHAEL...Now I know we can get things back on track, it’s just going to take all of us working hard as a team to get it done.

EMPLOYEE #1 (TOM)When’s nap-time?

MICHAELNow you see, there, that’s what I’m talking about. There won’t be any nap-time.

This causes outrage from the group.

EMPLOYEE #2 (TED)What is this? Nazi Germany?

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE - LATER21 21

Michael is sitting at his desk. Lindsay strolls into the office holding a glass in her hand.

LINDSAY (O.S.)Well, look who’s come back for seconds.

MICHAELLindsay! What are you doing here?


LINDSAYDon’t worry, Michael, I’ve moved on. If you haven’t heard, I have a new man.

MICHAELI’ve heard.

LINDSAYWe’re soulmates, Michael. We agree on everything.

EXT. BLUTH COMPANY OFFICE BUILDING - DAY - (FLASHBACK)16 16

Protesters are outside of the Bluth Company.

SCOTT(MONOTONE)

I love cats.

LINDSAYGet out!

INT. MICHAEL’S FORMER OFFICE - CONT’D21 21

MICHAELAren’t you supposed to be out protesting the company?

LINDSAYOh, I would be, but there’s only so much sun a woman can take.

MICHAELYou’re starting to sound like Mom.

LINDSAYI’m nothing like Mom. She hates cats. And she’s not even my real mother.

Lindsay sips at her vodka and Michael looks at her pointedly.

MICHAELIt’s nine-thirty.

LINDSAYWell, can you blame me? I’m forty. I’m an old woman. That’s why I’ve decided to have a child before my womb dries up.


MICHAELThat’s an image.

(PAUSES)And you mean another child.

Lindsay looks confused.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)Wait for it.

LINDSAYMaeby!

MICHAELThere it is.

LINDSAYThat doesn’t count.

MICHAELOh, no? Do you even know where she is right now?

Michael sees Maeby walk by in the background and duck behind the front desk.

LINDSAYOh, of course I do. What kind of mother do you think I am? She’s at school.

MICHAELIt’s summer.

LINDSAYSummer school?

MICHAELNice try.

LINDSAYWhat can I say? I’m old. My memory’s not what it used to be.

MICHAELAll the more reason to stick with the one.

Michael sees George-Michael come out of the elevator.

INT. BLUTH COMPANY OFFICE - FRONT DESK22 22

George-Michael is surprised to see his cousin at the desk.


GEORGE-MICHAEL Maeby? What are you doing here? Did my dad hire you?

MAEBYWhat? No. I’m seeing if Kitty hid anything back here.

(AS A SIDE NOTE)Even with an assistant, I have to do everything myself.

GEORGE-MICHAELAssistant?

MAEBYYeah. I think he’s in love with me.

NARRATOR (V.O.)He wasn’t, but George-Michael was intimidated.

MAEBY The only place I haven't searched yet is Pop-Pop's, but maybe you can come along and help me get past Gangy.

GEORGE-MICHAELMy dad wouldn’t want--

MAEBYCome on, George Michael, it’ll be just like old times. We’ll do Pop-Pop tomorrow, ‘kay?

Maeby leaves upon seeing Michael approaching, who has overheard the last part of their conversation.

MICHAELHey, buddy. What are you doing here?

GEORGE-MICHAELYou told me to do something fun today.

MICHAELWith Maeby?

GEORGE-MICHAELWhat? No, we weren’t doing anything!

MICHAEL(SUSPICIOUS)

Nothing?


GEORGE-MICHAELWe were just talking. We didn’t do anything else, I swear.

MICHAEL And where’d she run off to?

GEORGE-MICHAELI don’t know. To see her new boyfriend or something?

MICHAEL(RELIEVED)

New boyfriend? Good for her!

GEORGE-MICHAEL(INSINCERE)

Yeah.

MICHAELGood for her.

INT. BLUTH COMPANY BOARDROOM - LATER23 23

Michael sits down in front of the company board.

NARRATOR (V.O.)And Michael finally met with the board.

MICHAEL(TRYING TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD)

Well, let’s get this party started.

The serious board members look at Michael, unamused.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)(UNCOMFORTABLE)

....yup.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. BLUTH COMPANY CAR - 5 PM (DAY TWO)24 24

Michael is driving his father’s old car.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Michael was on his way to his mother’s apartment.

Michael’s cell phone rings and he picks it up.

MICHAELMichael Bluth.

GOB (O.S.)Where do you keep the extra lighter fluid?

MICHAELWe don’t have extra lighter fluid. And Gob, don’t burn the house down.

GOB (O.S.)Who do you think you’re talking to--Oops! Well, that’s nothing you can’t replace.

MICHAELGob, why don’t you get someone to help you on this?

The car hits a bump as it drives by “Beard’s Honey Farm.”

GOB (O.S.)An apprentice!

MICHAELSure.

GOB (O.S.)A sexy apprentice.

MICHAELGoing with a woman, are you?

GOB (O.S.)Why, you think I should? But where can I find someone to play a woman?


MICHAELUh-oh.

INT. LINDSAY AND TOBIAS’S APARTMENT25 25

Gob bursts in and finds Tobias dabbing his face with some of Lindsay’s white makeup.

TOBIAS(STARTLED)

This isn’t what it looks like!

GOBIt looks like a woman.

TOBIASHow did you--

GOBI need you to play a woman in my act.

TOBIASWhat? Oh. Yes. Of course. What else could you have-- Ahh.

(BREATHES)Yes, unfortunately I’m no longer a actor, but have taken up the profession of mime.

GOBMime?

TOBIASYes, mime. I need to impress Lindsay and I’ve heard from a very reliable source that she loves mimes.

GOBAnd hates Mother.

TOBIASYes! How did you...?

GOBApparently we have something in common.

TOBIAS(THINKING)

Well... I guess I could be a lady mime.


GOBA sexy mime.

TOBIAS I’ll do it!

GOB goes in to hug Tobias in a show of affection.

TOBIAS (CONT'D)Huzzah!

The camera pans away as Gob starts to cry.

INT. LUCILLE’S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT26 26

Michael has just arrived and is talking with his mother.

NARRATORHey, let’s see what’s happening over here!

MICHAELA meeting’s been set up for tomorrow for Sitwell and M.M.I. to present their proposals and then the board will decide who to choose. Hopefully I can convince them to not sell at all, but I’m not sure they’ll listen.

LUCILLE...Good, good.

MICHAELMom, I’ve got this under control. I don’t want you do anything to mess this up.

LUCILLEI want you to get me into that meeting.

MICHAELDid you even hear what I said? And you’re under house-arrest.

Michael motions towards her ankle-monitor.

LUCILLEGet Gob to break it.

MICHAELGob? You mean the son you threw off the boat?


LUCILLE(AMUSED)

Oh, yes, that’s right. I forgot.

MICHAELYou know he’s really pissed at you. He’s planning to get revenge.

LUCILLEWith what? A magic trick?

MICHAELThe reason I’m here is I need you to give me the S-1 filing papers for tomorrow.

LUCILLEWhy don’t you ask Buster? He’s the one in charge.

MICHAELI’m asking you. Don’t play games with me. I need those documents.

LUCILLEI’ll tell you what. Let’s say I know where they are. You get me in that meeting and I’ll tell you where they are.

Michael ponders the proposal.

MICHAELI can get you on the phone so you can listen, but that’s it. That’s the most I can do.

LUCILLEThat’s all I ask.

Lucille reaches between her cleavage, and pulls out a couple of rolled up papers and hands them towards Michael.

MICHAELUnbelievable.

LUCILLEWhat? I had to put them...

(RAISING HER VOICE)....where no one would find them!

George Sr. is heard laughing at his TV show in the background. Michael reluctantly takes the papers from his mother.


INT. MODEL HOME - MORNING (DAY THREE)27 27

Michael sits at the kitchen counter, perusing a pile of documents.

NARRATOR (V.O.)The next morning, Michael was busy preparing for that afternoon’s meeting.

George-Michael rushes down the stairs and moves towards the front door.

MICHAELHey, where are you off to in such a hurry?

GEORGE-MICHAELWhat? Oh, umm... Skeetball.

NARRATOR (V.O.)He wasn’t.

MICHAEL(Unconvinced)

Well, have fun.

GEORGE-MICHAELI will.

George-Michael turns and goes out the door. Gob comes in carrying a box that sounds like it’s filled with broken glass.

GOBWhere’s he off to?

MICHAELI don’t know. I’m worried about him and Maeby.

GOBWhy? Are they still fucking?

MICHAEL(ALARMED)

What?

GOBOh, yeah. I caught them in the act once.

NARRATOR (V.O.)He hadn’t.


INT. MODEL HOME - DAY - (FLASHBACK)

[EXCERPT FROM “THE RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS”]

Gob sees George-Michael accidentally trip on top of Maeby and then kiss her.

NARRATOR (V.O.) (CON’T)But he had stumbled across the two cousins in a compromising position.

GOBDad’s gonna be crushed.

INT. MODEL HOME - CONT’D27 27

GOBFucking!

MICHAEL(DISTRESSED)

I knew he liked her, but I had no idea it’d gone that far.

NARRATOR (V.O.)It hadn’t.

Gob starts moving again, causing the glass to make noises.

MICHAELWhoa there. What’s that?

GOBOh, this? Just some vases I found in the attic.

MICHAELIs this for your magic trick?

GOBIllusion, Michael. And yes, it’s for my trick.

MICHAELYou know, somebody’s gonna get hurt. And by somebody I mean you.

GOBDon’t worry about me, Michael, I’ve got an apprentice.

MICHAELThem, then.


GOBIt’s your son you should be worried about.

MICHAELYeah.

INT. LUCILLE’S APARTMENT COMPLEX HALLWAY - DAY28 28

George-Michael arrives next to Maeby, who has been standing outside Lucille’s door.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Michael was right to worry.

MAEBYJust follow my lead.

Maeby knocks on the door. After a moment, Lucille opens the door, holding a martini and squinting at them.

MAEBY (CONT'D)Hi Gangy!

INT. LUCILLE’S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER29 29

Maeby and George Michael enter while Lucille looks suspicious.

LUCILLEYou know, your grandmother doesn’t get visitors very often anymore.

MAEBYOh, wow, I’ve gotta pee.

Maeby immediately leaves to go “to the bathroom.” George-Michael looks horrified.

GEORGE-MICHAEL(PANICKED)

Uh... Me too.

Lucille sighs, watching as George-Michael bolts off after Maeby. She takes another sip of her drink.

INT. LUCILLE’S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER30 30

George-Michael pops his head in to the room and sees Maeby looking around in Lucille’s dressers.

MAEBYI told you to distract her!


GEORGE-MICHAELWhat if she calls my dad? Oh, god.

MAEBYShe must have hid the files here. I’ve looked everywhere else.

GEORGE SR.Lucille sent all her files to the storage locker.

George Sr. reveals himself to be sitting in an armchair, watching the TV, having overheard their conversation.

MAEBY

Pop-Pop!

GEORGE-MICHAEL

Pop-Pop!

GEORGE SR. (CONT'D)For the millionth time, I’m Oscar!

GEORGE-MICHAEL(TO MAEBY)

I thought the storage locker burnt down.

NARRATOR (V.O.)It had.

EXT. BALBOA STORAGE - LATER31 31

George-Michael and Maeby arrive at the locker. The door looks shoddily put together and doesn’t match with the other units. Maeby pulls from her sholder-bag a pair of bolt-cutters.

NARRATOR (V.O.) (CON’T)But in George Sr., in his infinite wisdom, decided to rebuild.

Maeby slides the door open, revealing the dozens of marked boxes, fur coat rack, and giant portrait of George Sr. inside.

The two enter the unit and begin to look around. George-Michael doesn’t touch anything while Maeby absentmindedly knocks things over, creating a huge mess.

Maeby pulls out a box that has “vodka” written on it, which is surprisingly light. Maeby opens it up and finds a stack of assorted papers. She quickly flips through them.

MAEBY This is it!


GEORGE-MICHAELCome on, Lets go.

MAEBYWe’ve got to make copies!

EXT. BLUTH COMPANY OFFICE BUILDING - DAY32 32

Lindsay and the M.M.I. protesters are outside the building.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Outside the Bluth Company, Lindsay was getting ready to confess her feelings.

SCOTT...then the kitten is dropped into the boiling liquid until the poison seeps into the heart and skull. It’s barbaric.

LINDSAYYou’re making me hot.

SCOTTWhat?

LINDSAY Aw, fuck it. I can’t hide it any longer. I can’t stop thinking about you, Sean.

SCOTTIt’s Scott.

LINDSAYScott! That’s the perfect name for our child.

SCOTTNo, that’s my-- Wait, what?

Lindsay suddenly becomes very forward, which startles and possibly frightens Scott.

LINDSAYI need you. Take me. Right here.

A female protester steps out from the crowd.

WOMAN(TO LINDSAY)

Excuse me?


LINDSAYWho are you?

WOMANI’m his wife!

The woman steps in between Lindsay and her husband.

WOMAN (CONT'D)What do you think you’re doing?

LINDSAYHe’s mine!

TOBIAS (O.S.)Did somebody say ‘mime’?

Tobias pops up in white-face and puts his arm around Lindsay and Scott. Scott shakes free and leaves with his wife while a note falls from him, unnoticed by Lindsey or Tobias.

TOBIAS (CONT'D)What did I miss?

LINDSAYYou idiot!

Lindsay turns her back on Tobias, apparently under the impression that he drove her love away. Tobias is confused.

INT. BLUTH COMPANY OFFICE - COPY ROOM33 33

At the copy machine, Maeby arrives with the “Vodka” box as George-Michael looks around nervously.

MAEBYWe need...

(COUNTS ON TWO HANDS)...twenty five copies.

Her phone buzzes and she checks it.

MAEBY (CONT'D)Fuck, it’s my assistant. I’ve got to run.

GEORGE-MICHAELWait, what? I can’t do this!

MAEBYSure you can. Just put in the paper and press the button.


Maeby leaves. George-Michael nervously presses a button on the machine, which causes it to make a loud noise, scaring him.

NARRATOR (V.O.)While George-Michael struggled with the task he had been assigned...

INT. BLUTH COMPANY BOARDROOM34 34

Michael is on the phone, standing in the corner, while the room fills in with board members.

NARRATOR (V.O.) ...his father was in the next room over, doing the same.

MICHAELCan you hear me now?

LUCILLE (ON PHONE) (O.S.)Much better.

MICHAELAlright. I’ll leave this on, but it’s for listening only.

LUCILLE (O.S.)Of course, of course. I can’t believe you treat your own mother this way.

The chairman of the board approaches Michael from the side.

CHAIRMANIs that your mother?

He points to the cellphone, which Michael tries to hide.

MICHAELWhat, this? Oh, no. This is... my son.

A female cough can be heard through the phone.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)(CHANGING THE SUBJECT)

So are we ready to begin?

CHAIRMANJust about.

The Chairman turns to his assistant.

CHAIRMAN (CONT'D)Go get the briefings.


The assistant nods and leaves.

CHAIRMAN (CONT'D)Alright, let’s get started.

INT. BLUTH COMPANY OFFICE - COPY ROOM35 35

George-Michael moves the last of the copies to his stack. He clumsily knocks over the box lid and while he is bending over, the chairman’s assistant comes in, grabs the copies and leaves. George-Michael gets up, picks up the nearby stack of board briefings, which he mistakes for Maeby’s files, and puts them in the “Vodka” box and leaves.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO


ACT THREE

FADE IN:

INT. BLUTH COMPANY BOARDROOM - DAY36 36

The board meeting has started and Michael is speaking.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Michael was delivering his pitch to the board.

MICHAELThere will be hard times ahead, I admit that, but this company has survived as a family business for over thirty years. Selling now to the highest bidder undermines everything this company has stood for.

CHAIRMANWe appreciate what you’re trying to do, Michael. We really do. We’re just not sure if leaving the company under your parents’ control-- official or otherwise-- is the best approach.

The Chairman’s assistant enters, whispers in the chairman’s ear, and begins distributing the stack of copies.

CHAIRMAN (CONT'D)Apparently we have a third prospective buyer who has just come forward.

MICHAELWhat?

BOARD MEMBER ONEWho?

CHAIRMANA coffee company.

BOARD MEMBER TWOStarbucks?

BOARD MEMBER THREE(LOOKING AT THE FILES)

What are these?

The board members begin looking at the files they’ve been handed by the assistant.


MICHAELWhat’s wrong?

LUCILLE (THROUGH PHONE)(FAINT)

What’s going on, Michael?

BOARD MEMBER ONEThese documents show Lucille Bluth running the company fifteen-- twenty years ago. Letters. Transcripts. Flight records.

CHAIRMANWhat is this, Michael?

MICHAEL(STUNNED)

I have no idea.

INT. STAIR-CAR - DAY37 37

George-Michael is driving in the stair-car with the “Vodka” box in the passenger seat.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Meanwhile, George-Michael was on his way back to the model home, when he hit a snag.

Driving by a sign reading “Beard’s Honey Farm”, the car shakes, causing the box of files to tip over and spill out onto the seat and floor.

George-Michael quickly pulls over and leans to pick up the files. He glances at them and sees that they are not the ones he copied. George-Michael, horrified, realizes what happened.

INT. BLUTH COMPANY BOARDROOM38 38

Stan Sitwell is giving a power-point presentation to the board. Michael is sitting in the back with his phone in hand.

SITWELL...as you can see, under Sitwell management, consolidation of operating expenses would increase efficiency and expand potential revenue, all while earnings per share exceed market forecasts.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Michael was surprisingly impressed by Sitwell’s proposal.


LUCILLE (THROUGH PHONE)(FAINT)

Baldy!

It is clear that Lucille has been heard but not responded to.

SITWELLLook, this is not some ploy for revenge. I honestly believe a Sitwell-Bluth alliance would be beneficial to everyone involved.

Michael’s phone buzzes. It is an incoming call from George-Michael. Michael moves to exit the room.

INT. BLUTH COMPANY OFFICE HALLWAY39 39

Michael exits the boardroom.

MICHAELSorry, Mom, I have got to go.

LUCILLE (ON PHONE) (O.S.)You promised--

MICHAELTo put family first.

LUCILLE (ON PHONE) (O.S.)Don’t you han--

Michael hangs up on his mother and switches lines.

MICHAELGeorge-Michael, what’s going on?

(PAUSE)I’ll be right there.

Michael sees Gob in his magician suit down the hall.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)Gob? What are you doing here?

GOBWhat does it look like, Michael?

MICHAELOh my god. You’re the third bidder.

GOBGuilty as charged.


MICHAELWhat are you thinking? That you can impress the board with a magic trick?

GOBWhy? Has someone already done that? ‘Cause it’s too late to change.

MICHAELAnd where’s Tobias?

Tobias pops out of a nearby door wearing mime makeup and dressed like his character Mrs. Featherbottom.

TOBIASOh, hello Michael. Or should I say:

(BRITISH ACCENT)’ello gov’na’

MICHAELYou shouldn’t.

GOBSo what do you think, Mikey? Do we have a chance?

MICHAELYou do realize placing a bid means putting up actual money?

GOBMoney is an illusion, Michael.

Michael leaves.

EXT. BLUTH COMPANY OFFICE BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER40 40

Michael exits the building and approaches Lindsay.

MICHAELLindsay, have you seen George-Michael?

LINDSAYHe left me, Michael. Sean left me.

Michael points to a note lying near Lindsay’s feet.

MICHAELI guess you’ve seen that though, right? So you haven't seen him?

Lindsay bends over and picks up the piece of paper.


LINDSAYWhat? No.

Michael walks away as Lindsay unfolds the note, which says:

My Love, I wish at every moment to be with you, but regret that I must hide my feelings in the presence of my wife. I hope that soon I can be with you as you carry that small piece of me which grows inside you. If you share my desires, please meet with me tonight at the Balboa Inn, . Room 54, 11pm.

NARRATOR (V.O.)And that’s when Lindsay found the proof she needed that she really had found the man of her dreams.

LINDSAYHe loves me!

EXT. BLUTH COMPANY PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER41 41

Michael spots George-Michael sitting on the steps of the stair-car and goes to join him.

MICHAELI guess we have a lot to talk about, don’t we?

GEORGE-MICHAELI screwed up everything, Dad.

MICHAELWith Maeby, I know. Gob told me.

GEORGE-MICHAELHe did? How does he know?

MICHAELIt doesn’t matter. All that matters is you’re coming to me and that you know what you did was wrong.

GEORGE-MICHAELI know it was. But now I’ve made things worse and the whole company’s gonna find out what we did.

MICHAELWait, what? How?

GEORGE-MICHAELWe made photocopies.


MICHAELOh, no.

GEORGE-MICHAELI messed up and they got mixed with the files from your meeting.

MICHAELHold on. What files?

NARRATOR (V.O.)And that’s when George-Michael told his father everything that had happened. Well... not everything.

Cut to a picture of Pete Rose diving towards second base.

GEORGE-MICHAELI’m sorry, Dad. I messed everything up for you. Stupid, George-Michael!

MICHAELHey, hey. I’m the one who should be sorry. I never should have brought us back here.

GEORGE-MICHAELNo, but I’m glad we came back. I know it’s hard, but we stick by family. Even Maeby.

MICHAEL Wait, so you and Maeby didn’t have... pop-pop?

GEORGE-MICHAELThe fact that you still call it that tells me you don’t think I’m ready.

MICHAELAre you?

GEORGE-MICHAELNot with Maeby.

MICHAEL(THINKING HE’S JOKING)

...Hey!

George-Michael laughs uncomfortably. Suddenly a frozen dove falls from the sky and hits Michael in the face.


MICHAEL (CONT'D)We should get back up there before Gob sets the building on fire.

Father and son go down the steps and head back towards the front entrance. As they leave, Maeby comes by, not seeing them, and grabs the “Vodka” box through the car window.

INT. BLUTH COMPANY BOARDROOM - MOMENTS LATER42 42

Michael and his son enter to find a mess. In a flash, hundreds of pennies come raining down onto the board’s table. The members feverishly reach out to collect as many as they can. Gob turns dramatically and exits out the door, dragging Tobias along with him.

GEORGE-MICHAELIs that it?

KITTY (O.S.)There’s one more left.

Through the door walks KITTY SANCHEZ.

KITTY (CONT'D)Hello, Michael.

MICHAELKitty! So you’re M.M.I.? And my dad put you up to this?

INT. CABO MODEL HOME - DAY43 43

George Sr., surrounded by pictures of him and Kitty, wears a headset and microphone. Chyron: “Los Cabos, Mexico”

GEORGE SR. (INTO MICROPHONE)No.

INT. BLUTH COMPANY BOARDROOM - CONT’D42 42

KITTY(RELAYING GEORGE SR.)

No.

NARRATOR (V.O.)He had.

INT. IRAQI BUSINESS OFFICE - DAY - (FLASHBACK)44 44

George Sr. sits with two business men. George Sr. hands them a folder with “M.M.I.” on it and they talk and shake hands.


NARRATOR (V.O.)In order to hide his embezzled money, George Sr. created a second, front company called Muffin Man International, which he founded during his numerous trips to the Middle East.

INT. GEORGE SR.’S OFFICE - NIGHT - (FLASHBACK)45 45

A younger George Sr. tries to get Kitty to sign a number of documents while she tries to fool around with him.

NARRATOR (V.O.) The company was established under the name and account of his mistress and secretary, Kitty Sanchez, so as to avoid detection.

INT. IRAQI CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY - (FLASHBACK)9 9

A Iraqi store owner un-boxes his new product.

NARRATOR (V.O.) (CON’T)Money from the account was also used to expand the market of his world famous Cornballer.

OWNER (SUBTITLE)Cat poisoner?

INT. COMPUTER SCREEN - (FLASHBACK)46 46

On a translator website, the words “Kitty’s Corn Baller” are turned in to the Arabic words “sysh aldrph baalr” and the English equivalent: “Cat Corn Poisoning.”

NARRATOR (V.O.) (CON’T)Although the product was misunderstood due to bad translation, it still managed to find a market.

INT. ABU GHRAIB PRISON - NIGHT - (FLASHBACK)47 47

A series of photographs show the Cornballer being used as a grease-splattering torture device. The final shot is of WIFE OF GOB pointing at the Cornballer, à la Lynndie England.


MICHAELI can’t believe this. Oh, wait. I can.


KITTY(TO THE BOARD)

I’m here to convince you to sell the company to me.

MICHAELEven the money you’re using is his.

KITTYNo, it’s not. He put it in my name.

GEORGE SR. (IN EARPIECE)(FAINT)

You idiot.

MICHAELHe’s using you, Kitty. My mom put him up to this.

KITTYThat’s not true, he left her for me! He said you were here to make sure I win.

CHAIRMANIs that true, Michael?

MICHAEL(TO THE BOARD)

Yes, it’s true.(TO KITTY)

But my father didn’t ask me to do it. My mother did.

Kitty turns around and puts her hand to her earpiece.

KITTY(TO EARPIECE)

She did what?

GEORGE SR. (EARPEICE)(FAINT)

Now, I can explain...

KITTY(YELLING)

I can’t believe you!

INT. BLUTH COMPANY OFFICE HALLWAY48 48

Gob and Tobias sit outside the room and see Kitty burst out.

GOBKitty?


TOBIASHer?


Back in the board meeting, the chairman approaches Michael.

CHAIRMANMichael, we need to talk.

MICHAELYes, I know.

CHAIRMANUnfortunately, with the knowledge that your mother is still interfering, we can no longer simply do nothing. If this information got out--

MICHAELI understand. You have to sell.

CHAIRMANNo, we don’t. We want to offer the whole company to you. Consider it a change in management.

Michael is shocked. He glances down at George-Michael.

GEORGE-MICHAELDad, this is what you’ve always wanted. Take it.

Michael pauses in thought.

MICHAELI’m sorry, but I can’t. There are some things more important than this company and I’ve learned I can’t have both.

INT. BLUTH COMPANY BOARDROOM - MOMENTS LATER49 49

The three representatives have gathered back in the room, with Gob and Tobias (holding a boom-box) on the left, Kitty in the middle, and Stan Sitwell on the right.

NARRATOR (V.O.)And so the three corporations gathered to hear the verdict.


CHAIRMANWhile you all gave... proposals, we believe that only one of you have the skills and means necessary to manage this company, which is why we have decided accept the offer of... Gobias Industries.

MICHAELWait, what?

SITWELLCome on!

Tobias pushes a button on the boom-box he is holding but it only clicks. Gob hits him.

MICHAEL(TO THE BOARD)

Hold on. He doesn’t have any real money!

NARRATOR (V.O.)He did.

INT. MICHAEL’S FORMER OFFICE - MOMENTS EARLIER50 50

Kitty is standing in Michael’s former office, upset. Gob comes in.

NARRATOR (CON’T)During the break, Gob confronted Kitty.

GOBWell, look who the cat dragged in.

KITTYGob! You came for me!

GOBWhat?

(FAKE CONFIDENCE)Yes.

Kitty throws herself on him and begins rubbing her face and frizzled, let-down hair all over him.

GOB (CONT'D)This is unusual.

KITTYI heard about your problem.


GOBIt’s just the stress!

KITTY (LOOKS HIM IN THE EYE)

You make me Queen of the company and I’ll give you my backing.

GOBWell, I’ve already promised those positions to Tobias.

KITTYTake me!

GEORGE SR. (EARPEICE)(FAINT)

You sick son of a--


GOB(EXCITED)

I fucked her!

MICHAELThat was quick.

GOBOh, it was.

CHAIRMAN(TO MICHAEL)

Michael, The offer’s still on the table. If you don’t approve.

Michael looks at George-Michael and then at GOB.

GOBBrother.

NARRATORMichael knew there was only one thing he could do.

MICHAELGive ‘em hell.

Gob immediately points to Tobias, who turns on the boom-box which starts playing “The Final Countdown” by Europe.


GOB(TO THE BOARD)

You have given me the greatest gift of all. And so I give you this gift in return.

Gob makes silver coins fall from the ceiling onto the table.

GOB (CONT'D)Dimes!

TOBIAS (O.S.)Diamonds?

GOBAnd Michael. Michael, Michael, Michael. ...Michael.

MICHAELShh... The look on your face is thanks enough.

Michael walks to the side of the room and lifts his hand, revealing that he had let his mother hear the verdict.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)(INTO THE PHONE)

Did you get that?

LUCILLEMichael, what have you done?

MICHAEL(INTO THE PHONE)

Something I should have done a long time ago.

FADE OUT.


ON THE NEXT “ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT”

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT51 51

Lindsay enters the darkened room. A man is on the bed, lit barely by light seeping in from the bathroom.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Lindsay’s desire to become pregnant is finally fulfiled.

MAN(GRUFF WHISPER)

Don’t say a word. Just take me.

LINDSAY(TO HERSELF)

Finally.

MAN(TO HIMSELF)

Finally.

As Lindsay jumps into the bed with the man, we pan away to show a pair of nevernude cut-offs strewn over a chair.

TOBIASSo that’s what it feels like!

INT. TANTAMOUNT MOVIE STUDIO OFFICE - DAY52 52

Maeby stands in front of many intimidating executives as her assistant passes out the files she believes to be Lucille’s.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Maeby gives a presentation to a board of her own.

EXECUTIVE ONE(LOOKING AT THE BRIEFINGS)

These are internal documents!

EXECUTIVE TWOThey’re selling the company?

EXECUTIVE ONEThis is incredible.

MAEBYMarry me!

INT. BLUTH COMPANY OFFICE - DAY53 53

The frightened employees stand in front of Gob and Kitty.


NARRATOR (V.O.)Gob motivates the office in a way that Michael could not.

GOB...and if anyone does anything with either of these...

Kitty lifts up her shirt to expose her blurred-out breasts.

GOB (CONT'D)...I’ll get on my -----, pull out ---- -----, and personally ---- ----- ---- ----- --- ------...

Pan to reveal Michael, watching from a distance.

NARRATOR (V.O.)And Michael, realizing his family needs him now more than ever, decides to stay.

MICHAELI’ve made a huge mistake.

FADE TO WHITE.

END OF SHOW


Arrested Development - S04E01 - Three's Company (SS)

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Transcript of Arrested Development - S04E01 - Three's Company (SS)