AROUND THE WORLD IN A BAD MOOD

Rachel Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard! I am...

Both Renee.

Olivia I am a flight attendant and the world is my oyster!

Rachel You might be wondering why I became a flight attendant in the first place? One day my dad burst into the house with an ad:

Are you looking for a career that is exciting and glamorous?Do you like to travel and work with the public?We are seeking candidates who are professional, poised, and service-

minded for immediate openings as “flight attendants.”

Both (Singing) Our service is bad, but it could get worse. We lost your kid, but we found your purse.Our food is bad, but we’re not to blame, Try another airline, it’s all the same.

The job of a flight attendant is one of the most demanding and least appreciated professions in the world today. Join us as veteran attendant Rene Foss recounts true stories from her life on the wing. Fasten your seat belts, raise your tray tables and stow your bags - the journey is about to begin.

Around the World in a Bad MoodBy Rene Foss

Both The Interview

Olivia As soon as I walked into the waiting room and read...

Rachel WAFTI - WE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS INCONVENIENCE AIRLINES

Olivia . . . and looked around at the other candidates, I quickly realized that this was unlike any other interview I’d ever been to before.

Rachel Hi! I’m Susy Glutz from the great state of Texas and I want to be a flight attendant because I just love people, I am very service-oriented, and I am a team player!

Olivia Followed by a big. fake smile.

Rachel Hi! I am Yo’ Vinnie, originally from New York, and I want to be a flight attendant because I love to travel and I want to see the world.

Olivia Followed by an even bigger fake smile, but with missing teeth.Rachel Hi! I am Mary, Mary Quite Contrary from Kansas City, and I want to be a flight

attendant because I just love people, I love to travel, and I love to smile.

Olivia Followed by a big, big fake smile and batting eyelashes! If I had known then what I know now I would have said...

Rachel Hi! My name is Renee and I am hoping to find ajob that allows me to deal with emotionally and physically abusive passengers in a confined space.

Olivia But what did I know back then? I was young and stupid, so I merely responded...

Rachel I’m Rene and I, too, love people and love to travel.

Olivia Trouble with the fake smile, but life had begun and I was on the team.

Rachel All too soon I discovered...

Both Boarding: A Shakespearean Tragedy

Olivia It was a dark and stormy night. There was thunder, lightning, heavy rain and a full moon.

Rachel Flight attendants prepared the galley, checked the meal count, and began to chant...

Both Double, double toil and troubleFire burn and cauldron bubble

Olivia A drum, a drum, the passengers doth come!

Rachel (To Olivia who is now Macbeth) Hail Macbeth, hail to thee. Here is your seat, you have I B.

Olivia (To Rachel who is now Macduff) Hail, Hail, Hail Macduffi

Rachel Pray, kind sir, but you’re in my throne, where I shall rest till dawn. Remove thyself and get thee gone.

Both (Aside: as flight attendants) Fie, fie, fee, fee. . . Ms Macduff also has seatlB.

Macbeth Fie, fie, I am a frequent flier. I’ll not share this4at with the like of you, a common

liar.Macduff What care I how much you fly? I am in the Regal Club and have a private room

at every hub.

Macbeth Ha! I own the stock, I am the board. When I arrive, they call me Lord. Macduff Lord of what? Pray do tell. Lord of this? Me thinks it hell!

Both (Aside: as flight attendants) Ah me, toil and trouble, boil and bubble, when seat assignments here are double!

Rachel (As Hamlet) To be or not to be, that is the question...

Olivia No, no! Excuse me, Mr. Hamlet? Not 2B...lB...right over here!

Both Safety Demo Shuffle71

Rachel\~Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the ‘Safety Demo’ and I will now be dimming the cabin lights to enhance the beauty of our flight attendants.

Both If you’ve never traveled by carThis is your seat belt, please knowWhere they are. To fasten the belt,

Just pull till it’s tight and don’t letGo till the end of the flight!Should the cabin lose pressure, place this mask on your nose,If the plane’s going down, just reach for your toes,A few more reminders, then off on our way:No smoking, no cell phones, no meals today!Thank you for flying, we’re glad to arriveIf you want to get there faster, why don’t you drive?!

Rachel Ladies and Gentlemen, we have encountered a little turbulence.. .Ma’am, ( please stay in your seat. (Olivia is clearly having stomach trouble.)

Service with a smile.. .service with a smile. . . .service with a

\.~ smile.. .. (Olivia throws up.) Thank you!~ (~v~ ~

Both Service with a smile.

Rachel Hello. Would you like the almond rocca or the brownie today?

Olivia What?

Rachel Would you like the almond rocca or the brownie today?

Olivia What did you say?Rachel You know, you could probably hear me a lot better if you took those headphones

off. OK, now, would you like the almond rocca or the brownie?Olivia Do you have any peanuts?Rachel No.Olivia Can I get a Coke?Rachel Yes, it’s on the beverage cart behind me.Olivia What is that?Rachel It’s a cart with drinks on it.Olivia No, that pink thing in your hand. What is that?Rachel That is the almond rocca.Olivia I thought you said you had brownies.Rachel Look...Olivia Well, what is an almond rocca anyway?

Rachel It is a fine butter toffee elegantly wrapped in gold foil. Now do you want one or not?

Olivia Listen, my husband and I were separated...

Rachel Yeah, well nothing lasts forever.

Olivia No, I mean we are not seated together. We purchased these tickets six months ago and we were promised two seats together, and I’d like you to do something about it.

Rachel There’s not much I can do about it now, but after I deliver all the almond roccas and brownies, I can try to see if someone will switch seats with you.

Olivia You are going to do something about it right now, young lady. Do you know who I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

Rachel (Over public address system) Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please? We have a passenger on board who does not seem toknow who she is. If anyone can identify her, please ring your flight attendant call button.

Both The job 1 love to hate

Olivia People often ask me, “Why don’t you quit?”

Rachel Well, this flight attendant job is more than just a job. So what if you have

to wake up at 3:00 a.m. or stay up all night on occasion?Olivia Ninety percent of the passengers are tolerable and the other ten percent you can

easily avoid. So what if you have to pick up garbage all day long?

Rachel It’s a lifestyle that gets in your blood and, truth be told, it’s hard to quit.

Olivia And so for all of us who travel by air...Both Our service is bad, but it could get worse.

We lost your kid, but we found your purse.Our food is bad, but we’re not to blame,Try another airline, it’s all the same.