Copyright © 2014 Amy McAllister

The author asserts the moral right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any

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This edition published by Burning Eye Books 2014www.burningeye.co.uk

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Burning Eye Books15 West Hill, Portishead, BS20 6LG

ISBN 978 1 90913 646 5

Accost at CostaAre you as single as that cream?Your cocoa dusting makes me scream.I know that you’re on basic wage,But poverty is all the rage...And though my cup size isn’t grande,I hope you’d like to hold my hand.I won’t complain if you’re a flake –Whatever you serve up, I’ll take.You’ve got me whipped, you’re piping hot.Barista boy, give me a shot.To let you go would be a cream – CRIME!

D’oh! Next time...

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Rush Hour Crush

To the average-looking manOf average height and average buildWho boarded the train at London.I was the lady with a face,Wearing clothes and being on the train as well.We were both alive and on the train –It was so GREAT!

Londoners! If you have a life-affirming momentWith a lovely stranger on your carriage,Take a risk and ask them out.One day, your children might have names like Upminster and Heathrow Terminal Four.

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Mistress

He said, ‘If I didn’t have this cold sore I’d kiss you.’

I said, ‘Is “Cold Sore” the nickname you give to your wife?’

We bought the furniture we were sitting on And I didn’t keep the receipt.

I knew there’d be no need.

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Sex Panther

I’ve never seen AnchormanBut I’ve been told that I’m a sex panther.Which I take to mean That although I’m not native to this country, I have in fact been spotted In foliage near West Byfleet, Surrey. And that I am an animal under cloudy sheet And good to ride on if you’re in a hurry.More Ferrell than Will, and he’s proper wild.And sometimes a hazard to the un-medicated adultAnd sometimes a comfort to the un-hugged child.If you have an allergyBut wanna do cat sex with me,Just take an antihistamineAnd don’t operate heavy machinery’Cause I’m not too old to do sex out in the coldAnd I’m feeling bold and I’ve been toldThat I’m a sex panther. Grrrrr!

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