April Fools Edition 2011
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This is the April Fools Edition for 2011
Transcript of April Fools Edition 2011
wh
itworth
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MAC TO BE A CO-ED DORM IN 2011-2012 09
ASWU TO HAND OUT 100- DOLLAR BILLS IN NEXT MEETING 11
LAPTOPS RETURN TO CORE 03
In the wake of the Whitworth adminis-tration’s controversial decision to include a stem cell research lab in the new Robin-son Science Building, many community members are understandably upset. How-ever, this board feels that the decision is a solid step forward for Whitworth, and that most concerns will be smoothed over once a few critical misunderstandings have been cleared up.
The issue has been raised that conduct-ing stem cell research on campus would be coming down solidly on one side of a cur-rent controversy of Christian ethical think-ing - something Whitworth has refrained from doing in other areas. Certainly, build-ing a lab like this and performing this type of research does send a message, but this board feels that it is one of progress rather than one of ethics.
Seeing stem cell research as an ethical issue at all represents a flawed understand-ing of both ethics and commonly accepted Biblical teaching. Ethics is a concept con-cerned with making decisions - right and wrong, this or that, etc. - whereas research is clearly not a decision making process, but rather a scientific method of separating fact from theory. Trying to evaluate any type of research through the lens of ethics is a pointless endeavor.
Also, even vague knowledge of Biblical teaching is enough for anyone able to link two coherent thoughts together to see that the Bible does not speak about ethics, re-search, stem cells, or anything related. Try-ing to base a decision like building a stem cell research lab on Biblical principles is like trying to use the nutritional pyramid to decide whether or not it is morally correct to eat a cat: it can’t be done, and shouldn’t
be attempted.If Whitworth truly wants to present it stu-
dents with an education of mind and heart, it should be doing everything in its power to keep both mind and heart healthy - and it’s common knowledge that this type of re-search is leading to cures for both brain and coronary diseases. If a few feathers are ruf-fled along the way, it’s just the price of being ahead of the curve.
This research lab will not only give Whit-worth a unique selling point to more en-lightened prospective science majors (a stated goal of constructing a new science building), but it also paves the way for fu-ture improvements. This board sees a fu-ture where Whitworth is a leading center of research not only in the area of stem cells, but also cloning, genetic enhancement, and perhaps even cybernetic studies.
Who knows? Maybe one day students will wake up to a Whitworth campus that is home to its very own nuclear reactor. And that’s something we can all agree is a great step toward the type of campus we want to be.
In the end, despite all our best efforts, this will likely remain a controversial deci-sion. However, this board feels that contro-versy can be a good thing. It helps weed out the weak-minded, and there’s nothing like conservative fanatics to make liberals look smart.
So whatever side of this issue you fall on, do your part to make this research lab a stel-lar beginning to Whitworth’s step into the future.
Editorials in the “In the Loop” section reflect the majority opinion of the Editorial Board, which is made up of six editors.
Decision to construct stem cell research lab in new science building a good move for campus
Serving the Whitworth community since 1905
{STAFF Spring 2011}Calls Himself the Boss
Jerod [email protected]
Actually the BossAndrea Glover
HivemineAndy Schwartzmeyer
Grammar GremlinTori Sullivan
Style NaziCherise Hensley
Forrest Baird GroupieJessica Valencia
Closet Crazy DancerEvanne Montoya
Resident HoboAndrew Gjefle
Office OrganizerSophie Sestero
Speaker of WordsChelsea Kwast
Jim’s Biggest FanKara Heatherly
Strapping JockAlex Blade
Photoshop expertChrissy Roach
No Journalistic IntegrityTobin Eyestone
Spreader of LiesMorgan Feddes
Code MonkeyRyan Gerhard
Artsy FartsyAnnette Farrell
Lord and MasterJim McPherson
Staff MembersNejela Almohanna, Michael Moore,
Brianna Anderson, Haley Atkinson, Sarah Berentson, Batman, Kyle Bohigian, Amy
Carlson, Hannah Charlton, Maria Chumov, Al Gore, Dani Dubois, Rebecca Eng, Kara
Fisher, Charlie Sheen, Andrew Forhan, Au-drey Gore, Jenna Hansen, Emily Hanson, Maddie Hayes, Andrea Heeter, Andrew
Keyser, Kyle Kim, Lucas Kok, Deidre Low, Alli Marshall, Santa Clause, Nick Martin,
Hollie McCrea, Jo Miller, Max Nelsen, Char-lene O’Connor, Josh Olsby, Kermit the Frog,
Remi Omodara, Lauren Otheim, Lindsay Pund, Caitlin Richmond, Jack Bauer, Me-lissa Ross, Anne Roth, Emily Roth, David
Rurik, Tara Sackman, Rebecca Southwick , Caitlyn Starkey, Lindsie Wagner, Nathan
Webber, Iris Wu and Taylor Zajicek.
{about us}
The Whitworthian has served as the main source of jokes and fake coverage for the Whitworth com-
munity since 43 A.D. The Whitwor-thian is an organization composed entirely of nefarious ne’er-do-wells
who half-heartedly produce The Whitworthian weekly newspaper
and thewhitworthian.com.
OUR MISSION: The Whitworthian staff is dedicated to presenting
Whitworth students in a poor light, defaming ASWU, exposing our
corrupt administration, and getting as much free food in exchange for
advertising space as possible.
GENERAL INFORMATION: The print edition of The Whitworthian is published weekly, except when
we get bored with it. The content is fabricated entirely by students. The
college administration does not review the newspaper’s content. Opinions and ideas expressed in The Whitworthian are those of the individual artists, writers and student editors, and do not
necessarily reflect the views of the Associated Students of Whitworth University (ASWU), the university, its administration, faculty/staff or
advertisers–unless those opinions or views would make someone
look bad, in which case that’s why we printed it and so you can go
ahead and blame them.
OPINIONS POLICY: Columns, editorial cartoons and reviews are,
by and large, a complete joke.
PUBLIC FORUM: The Whit-worthian is a public forum that
believes in freedom of speech and expression as guaranteed in the
First Amendment to the Constitu-tion of the United States.
Pysche!
CONTACT US: Don’t. We’ll contact you.
whitworthiantheEditorial: IN THE LOOP
VOLUME 101, ISSUE 13.5
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WHITWORTHIAN STAFF:
I am severely disappointed in your newspaper’s lack of coverage con-cerning vampires. If you haven’t no-ticed, vampires have a permanent ex-istence in our society, fueled by media influences–specifically Twilight.
I did notice, however, that you ded-icated a two-page spread AND a hu-mor column to the wizarding world of Harry Potter. Seriously? Who wants to hear about friendship and conquer-ing evil when there are vampires wait-ing to turn you into an undead spar-kly piece of rock?
I don’t want to read about a trio of friends who carry wands and wear clothes. I want a complete synopsis of the lack of clothing coverage em-ployed by Edward and Jacob. (By the way, I’m on both of their teams. I can’t decide which one is hotter.) I expect a two-page spread devoted to the mid-night release of Breaking Dawn: Part 1 in November. I don’t care if that’s seven months away ... you obviously need to start studying up right now.
I expect more from the Whitworthi-an when it comes to fictional super-
natural issues. Get your act together, and maybe this reader will stick around.
-anonymous freshman
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
I want to thank the campus of Whit-worth University for making my vid-eo, “Friday,” the most hated video on YouTube. Without your hits, retweets, Facebook link posts and word-of-mouth cynicism, I would still be a nobody in California whose parents blew $2,000 on a recording session for no reason.
I also wanted to inform you and your readers that I am coming out with a brand-new line of flip calen-dars, hitting Icing stores everywhere April 10. Now everyone – not just me – can know which day of the week it is!
My friends are here, so I need to go figure out which seat in the car I’m going to sit in. Thank you again for all your lack of support.
-rebecca Black
WHITWORTHIAN STAFF:
Take down the friggin’ Christmas tree already. It’s been in your window for months now, and every time I see it I, as an atheist, am deeply offended. I shouldn’t have to be subjected to that kind of thing anywhere, least of all a Christian school.
And even if that wasn’t an issue, it’s just a little ... faux pa, if you know what I mean. Do you really want to be the people who show up at par-ties and everyone points at them be-cause they haven’t taken their Christ-mas tree down? Right now, you guys are like the white trash neighbors of Whitworth. Stop it.
-Jimmy
Letters to the Editor:
Write a letter to the editor. The Whitwor-thian grudgingly accepts reader responses to articles or issues of noninterest to the Whitworth community. Send letters to [email protected] or submit on-line. Limit to 200 words.
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NEWS
Laptops will be readmitted to Core 150 and 350 classes starting fall 2011.
In a surprising decision representing a reversal in thinking, the Core teams are planning to encour-age students to bring their computing devices to class in order to “increase community values and deepen commitment to an ever-changing learning environment.”
“We banned laptops from Core primarily be-cause they were a distraction for students,” said professor of theology Keith Beebe, a member of the Core 150 team.
Laptops were also causing students to score lower on tests and class assignments, Beebe said.
“We did an informal exam-ination of grades, and found that students who brought their laptops to class scored an average of an entire letter grade lower than their peers who went without,” he said.
Philosophy professor Keith Wyma explained the change of heart, saying that a general feeling developed that treating college stu-dents like third graders was “a bad idea,” even if it was “let’s be honest, realistic.”
Students have reacted favorably to the news.“I’m so glad I waited to take Core 150 next year,”
freshman Katie Dolan said. “Trying to take notes without a computer makes me feel like I’m living in the stone age.”
Some restrictions apply
While laptops will be allowed back into the classroom, it
won’t be without several restrictions. A strict fil-
tering system is being
installed in the Robinson Teaching Theater which will make it impossible for students to access web-sites deemed distracting or undesirable by the Core teams.
Websites to be blocked include Facebook.com, MySpace.com, Wikipedia.com, Sparknotes.com and RateMyProfessors.com.
The filtering system will allow students to access sites “conducive to a community minded environ-ment focused on an educational atmosphere,” said professor Mike Ingram, Core 350 team member.
Whitelisted sites include Blackboard.com.All other websites will be
tracked by a URL logging sys-tem which will send reports to team leaders at the end of every class session. Students found to be spending time on sites not deemed to be “condu-cive to learning” will be docked points and, potentially, have their overall grade reduced.
There is some concern that the filtering system is “too dra-
conian.” Several students and some faculty mem-bers have spoken up against the proposal.
“It’s true that college students have the attention span of lovesick chihuahuas, but honestly I have no desire to have to look through a student’s web his-tory,” said Gordon Jackson, who led the “Censor-ship” section in Core 350 for the 2010-2011 school-year.
Jackson said he didn’t have the time or the desire to be “scarred for life.”
Junior Jessica Valencia also had concerns.“I love Forrest Baird as much as the next student,
but the idea of him playing big brother on me while I’m just trying to stay afloat in a sea of boredom is, quite frankly, angering,” she said.
Many students expressed the feeling that Face-book, Tumblr, and browser games are the only rea-
son they go to class in the first place.“I lead a busy life,” senior Tobin Eyestone said.
“Core is the only time I can just sit back, relax, focus on my news feed and get a little Minecraft in.”
The new system will be explained to students on the first day of class in the fall. Students who have concerns about the rules will be encouraged to talk to their section leaders, but Core team members in-dicated that changes would be “unlikely.”
Change on the way
While the rapid change in stance in the Core 150 and 350 classes might leave some confused, Core 250 team members say that allowing students to use their laptops in class hasn’t been a problem.
“Sure, [students are] all over the Internet and maybe 30 percent of them are actually paying atten-tion to what I’m saying, but it’s a worldview class,” said philosophy professor Forrest Baird. “There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ worldview - in fact, I look for-ward to a day when our debate between Plato and Aristotle morphs into a three-way that includes Mark Zuckerburg.”
While the Core 250 team hasn’t banned laptops, it have been using the filtering system during the spring semester to help test it for the other Core classes in the fall.
“We haven’t actually blocked any sites,” Core 250 team member Leonard Oakland said, “but I’ve found it amusing to see how many of our suppos-edly intelligent students are spending their brain cells watching stupid cat videos on Youtube.”
The new system will be used on a trial basis for the 2011-2012 school-year. It will be evaluated be-fore the decision to carry it further is made.
Contact Robert Capa at [email protected].
“I look forward to a day when our debate between Plato and Aristotle morphs into a three-way that includes Mark Zuckerburg.”
- Professor Forrest Baird {
Return of the keyboardsCore 150 and 350 will again allow students to bring their laptops to class starting next fall, with some restrictions
Story by Robert Capa
Chinese and Spanish don’t sound like your thing? Starting next fall, stu-dents will have an exciting new op-tion to fulfill their modern languages requirement: English dialects and ac-cents.
The modern languages depart-ment will announce this weekend the hiring of new faculty member, Robert Platte, who will teach the class. Platte will be moving from his current po-sition as chair of the department of modern languages at Southwestern College in Winfield, Kan.
“I’m quite excited about this op-portunity,” Platt said. “The sheer breadth of existing English dialects and accents is staggering, and a course focused on teaching some of the more common ones to students will go a long way toward improving the diversity of campus.”
The class, which is planned for the Fall 2011 semester, will be a 3-credit course. It will focus on training stu-dents to speak in Scottish English, Irish English, Jamaican English, Welsh English and Hawaiian Pidgin.
Platt came up with the idea for the
course while traveling during his sab-batical in 2007.
“Even just going from Ireland to Scotland to Wales is a startling ex-perience, dialectically speaking,” he said.
His travels took him beyond the British Isles to Jamaica, Australia, Ha-waii, and the American deep south. Platt said that as he learned to mimic
the accents of the native speakers, he was more easily able to blend in and experience the culture.
“People treat you differently if they realize you’re a tourist,” he said. “Students will learn to correctly pro-nounce words such as “haggis” and “poi” - a Hawaiian dish which looks and tastes remarkably like wallpaper paste”
Modern languages associate pro-fessor Bendi Schrambach expressed excitment over Platt’s course.
“This is an area of language that not many universities are pursuing,” she said. With English the most com-monly spoken language on the plan-et, learning its nuances and varieties is the fastest way for students to learn to speak as millions of people around the globe do.
The class will fulfill the modern languages general education require-ment, and will be added into the re-quirements for graduating with a ma-jor in the department.
Contact Carl Bernstein at [email protected].
After an exhaustive survey of student behavior conducted by consulting pro-fessors from each department and by planting microphones in classrooms, the Whitworth administrative board has deemed the discipline of its undergrad-uates to be lacking. As a result, a deci-sion has been reached to institute a de-merit and detention system in hopes of seeing some improvement.
Vice President for Student Life Kathy Storm explained, “Student behavior in the classroom is out of control. Kids show up late for exams, talk to each oth-er in class, play Farmville in Core, and cast lascivious looks every which way. I can hardly stand it.”
The system will be based upon a se-ries of marks, issued by the teacher over the course of each month, culminating in various levels of punishment. For ex-ample, an unexcused absence will result in 15 demerits, showing up late to class will be five, and offering false excuses for late or missing homework will be at the teacher’s discretion.
Richard Mandeville, Associate Dean of Students, points out that once stu-dents leave the dorms, they tend to lose all control. “RAs can’t be everywhere,” he said. “Once they leave their student leaders’ protective gaze, they tend to go feral, and professors bear the brunt of their antics.”
The demerit system is intended to al-low professors to take back some con-trol.
When enough marks have accumu-lated, a series of penalties will be meted against the offending student. After 25, an automatic deduction of half a letter grade on the next assignment will be giv-en. Once 40 demerits are given, students will be sent to detention. In order to ensure the effectiveness of this system, a “detention facility” is currently under construction in the Back 40, where of-fenders will be sent for a period of time determined by the professor and a small panel of local prosecutors.
The administration is hoping that these measures are sufficient, but fears that more extreme measures may be necessary. One source, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “The West-boro Baptist protest really opened our eyes to the true nature of our students; they are degenerate hedonists, and we have to take the necessary measures to keep them in line.”
Should the proposed system proves ineffective, a plan is already in the works to install a public gallows next to the Campanile.
Contact Bob Woodward at [email protected].
Due to a unusually large gift from the Class of 2011, the University will now be able to undertake the exten-sive remodeling of the campanile long awaited by the many. Accord-ing to the project manager Ed Kelly, this is an opportunity to remodel and touch up the campus land-mark, updating it for a new genera-tion of students coming in. Kelly was tasked with overseeing the construction which is slated to begin at the end of May, to be completed mid-July.
A variety of people were asked to submit proposals, but it was Whit-worth’s very own Art professor Scott Kolbo’s design which was selected. Kolbo’s design crosses Romanesque weight with Gothic sensibilities into
his own particular minimalist aes-thetic, resulting in an elegantly stal-wart and solid but airy monument that adds to its surroundings.
The design includes a fountain running through the inside of the structure that will shoot off spec-
tacular jets of water through the campa-nile’s tip at the top of every hour. Two large beige concrete spheres will be erected at the base
with floodlights that will accentu-ate the organic shapes the design calls for in the evenings. The shaft of the campanile itself will be faced with cream colored stone. A small round topped roof cover the up-permost portion of the monument, doubling as a faux-roof and a water reclamation basin, in keeping with
Whitworth’s sustainability commit-ments. Real bells are to be installed, a gift from former trustee Tom Del-anty, transforming the campanile into a real bell tower.
Senior Jared Lollar, “This is pretty neat. It’s going to be one of the first times a class gift has been put to good use.”
“I’m really excited about the changes they’re going to make,” exudes senior Kayla Hughes, “Ev-eryone back home in Boise used to make fun of me over the fact that our school didn’t have real bells and only played bell sounds over some loudspeakers glued to this brick thing.”
Contact Anna Quindlen at [email protected].
NEWS
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New prof brings exciting specialtyStory by Carl Bernstein
Campanile to be remodeled Story by Anna Quindlen
PLATTE
Whitworth to institute new demerit policy
Story by Bob Woodward
Kolbo’s design crosses Romanesque weight with Gothic sensibilities
{
In a recent campus-wide e-mail, President Beck Taylor announced that the upcoming expansion to the Hixson Union Build-ing will be for the select purpose of making enough room for at least 47 new positions to be added to the Associated Students of Whitworth University.
“The need for solid student leadership is greater now than ever,” Taylor said. “We believe this is the best way to put deciding power in the hands of those most fit to use it.”
Since taking over, President Taylor has been boundlessly impressed with the fluid, efficient workings of ASWU, and expressed a desire for its influence to be even wider.
Continued online at thewhitworthian.com.
H.U.B. expansion to be dedicated to accomodating 47 new ASWU positions
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ARTS&CULTURE
05
This year’s GetLit! Festival 2011 will fea-ture author Stephenie Meyers. She will read from her works Monday April 4, at 6. p.m. in Robinson Teaching Theater, as a part of the annual festival hosted by the Whitworth University English Department. Admission is free to students and alumni.
Meyer’s first novel “Twilight” climbed the charts of “The New York Times” bestseller list soon after its release in 2005. Since then Meyer’s has written three more books com-pleting the Twilight Saga. The last novel in the Twilight Saga, “Breaking Dawn,” sold more than 1.3 million copies in the first 24 hours of its release. The Twilight movies have also increased Meyer’s popularity.
The Twilight Saga has become a worldwide phenomenon. Forks, Washington is the city
where the novels takes place and is now a tourist spot for fans from all over the country.
“My cousin and me drove there last sum-mer and were shocked by how many people were there,” said sophomore Kelly Lambert, “There were posters of Edward and Bella in every shop’s window display.”
Twilight has become a teen culture com-modity. Vampire merchandise of all kinds is manufactured to fit the context of the films and book series.
“I don’t think the movies are as cheesy as everyone makes them out to be,” said fresh-man Emma Hutton, “I’m looking forward to meeting Stephenie Meyers in person.”
Contact Brianna Anderson at [email protected].
A newly chartered campus club, “Activists for Activism” sponsored a gathering around the campanile last Saturday at 9:05 a.m. The heavily advertised event was poorly attended and essentially went unnoticed. The demon-stration, officially titled “Get upset, damnit!” was the brainchild of club president Larry Pickett, a junior from Kent, Ohio. “A couple friends and I were kicking back, watching the protests in the Middle East and we felt really, like, inspired. If they get that passionate over there about democracy or whatever, why can’t we do the same at Whitworth?” said Pickett.
While researching Whitworth’s history of protests, Pickett and his friends were sur-prised to discover that a number of sit-ins and demonstrations had occurred on campus, primarily in the 1960’s. However, they were dismayed to see that the last decade has been relatively calm, with the exception of several notable scandals over ASWU election fraud and resignations, posters deemed offensive, and the infamous Core-Sexism-Gate (I want-ed to call it Cong Gate, but I knew you’d shoot me).
“We think that the student body is too pas-sive. We’re inundated with terrible world cri-ses on the news, in class, and through all kinds of other media. This saturation has dulled our consciences and we’ve lost our ability to feel,” said sophomore treasurer Joan Seeger.
The founders of Activists for Activism ap-pealed for financing from ASWU last month and received $19.63, after they successfully convinced the Finance Committee that the money would go toward construction paper and root beer, not petrol bombs and effigies of George Bush. “The club was really hoping to get more for the demonstration, but ap-parently, the rest of the student government’s $50,000 surplus is going to buy intramural equipment and ‘Approved by ASWU stickers’” said Pickett.
Six students (including Pickett and Seeger), a Whitworthian reporter, and four security guards in riot gear showed up for the thirteen-minute demonstration. One student, junior Kent Ueland, said, “Wait…what? I thought there’d be a drum circle. I’m out of here.” Sim-ilarly confused, senior Kayla Tronzor stated “It wasn’t like any other AA meeting I’ve been to.”
The attendees marched around the loop shouting slogans such as “Notice us!” “Yay passion!” and “Free Libya and stuff.” After the protest, security guard Bill Davis remarked, “I’ve been dying to use this tear gas facili-ties bought in ’89. If only one kid would have looked at me cross-eyed…”
Commenting on the club’s first rally, Seeger said “Well, it was a good start, I guess, but it looks like it’ll take a lot more than free pop to get students to care about something.”
Contact Taylor Zajicek at [email protected].
New activist club struggling to get its feet
Stephenie Meyers visits Whitworth
Story by Brianna Anderson
Story by Taylor Zajicek
I’m sick of this. Every year around this time, people get that note in their boxes announcing the annual tuition increase, and proceed to whine, moan and other-wise complain till their faces turn blue. But what I don’t understand is why. They seem to dislike the fact that it’s more expensive ... but I don’t see that as the real problem. In fact, I think the case is the opposite.
Whitworth needs higher tuition. As it is, we’re just middling around, flirting with prestige and the cutting edge, but we’re holding ourselves back, deluding students with the idea that we’re trying to keep tu-ition low enough to make it justifiable for kids to ask their parents to help them pay for it. Well, I say sent it through the roof, and I say so for several reasons.
First of all, increased tuition would rock-et Whitworth into the elite of the nation’s colleges and universities. We could hire the best professors, eat better food for lunch, upgrade our facilities to cutting-edge and bring in more cool bands, lecturers and programs. Longboards could be waiting for every freshman in his/her dorm room on check-in day. Famous artists could be brought in to create sculptures of our greatest presidents, and new dorms could be built to accommodate ever-larger fresh-man classes.
Secondly, instituting greater tuition rates would weed out all the riffraff. I’m sick and tired of seeing poor, dirty, foul-mouthed delinquents lounging around, smoking their nasty cigarettes and taking up all the professors’ hours. Those pathetic peasants who work with their backs of all things in facilities services could be replaced with respectable, well-dressed servants who live on-site. And, of course, the poor kids wouldn’t be here, gracelessly sucking the scholarships away from the school’s over-ly-generous teat. Rid of these nuisances, the campus would be cleaner and at least halfway-tolerable.
Finally, high prices would ensure Whit-worth’s self-sustainability … and I’m not talking about that environmental crap (ev-eryone knows global warming is a farce anyway), but rather the university’s ability to keep its doors open and maintain its high standing. In these economic times, nobody values education anymore, and people are too willing to stoop to manual labor, and having high tuition would attract attention. “Look at us!” it would say. “You know we’ll help you get an awesome job because we charge so much! We are necessary!” People just need to realize it.
Really, I don’t understand how people could see otherwise. Increased payments would only improve things, leading to a more homogenized, pure environment where people are free to pursue their in-terests without silly plebeian distractions. Comfort would be increased, as would fo-cus, and as Whitworth’s prestige continues to rise, the university would be able to in-dulge in ever-better features and projects that would make us absolutely untouch-able.
Before you read the headline and dismiss me as a tree-hugging ne’er-do-well, let me start this article out with a disclaimer: while I am indeed a huge fan of trees, I have never hugged any, nor have I ever felt particularly inclined to.
That being said, I will admit to being from Oregon. As most people are aware, we Oregon types are a lit-tle freakish about our sustainability. While I’ve never killed a man for not recycling, I will admit I’ve been tempted.
I’ve been pleased to see the efforts Whitworth has made over the last few years toward becoming a sustainable cam-pus. Sodexo has made great strides in reducing waste and giving back to the environment; recycling bins are more common than freshmen in most buildings; and the new drinking fountains that draw water from dorm shower drains are a brilliant innovation.
However, there is still so much room for improve-ment. And there is a perfect place for it coming up next year, with the construction of a new dorm build-ing.
The new dorm, which will be constructed between East Hall and Baldwin-Jenkins, is currently in the plan-ning phase. And while I have no doubt it will include some of the green innovations used in Duvall and East halls, more should, and indeed must be done.
I propose that the new dorm set an example and a standard for green construction not only here at Whit-worth, but for higher education nationwide.
First, no trees should be cut down to make way for
the new building. If there are trees in the way, the building should be made to morph around them. I, for one, think the idea of a common room with a giant tree growing through it sounds awesome.
Also, solar panels should be installed on the roof to provide power for the building. Special exceptions should be made to allow candles in dorm rooms with-out windows, and quiet hours should be expanded to be “lights-out hours,” which would span at least 18 hours of the day to conserve electricity.
The basement floor should not be used for dorm rooms; rather, it should be put to more sustainable purposes. Along with the usual frivilous rooms like a game room and study rooms, there should be a veg-etable garden. And maybe a room where students
can use discarded items to make creative new items. Can a plastic bottle be recycled into a healthy meal? Science may say no, but we won’t truly know for sure un-til we give them to starved biol-ogy majors in a locked room.
There are a variety of other in-novations that can and should be implemented. We just need to think outside the box. Ideas like banning trash cans, offering students cash bounties on litter, and ice cold showers are the kind of thing that could propel Whitworth to the front of the sustainability race.
I’ve laid out the call to arms. Now it’s up to you students. Let the administration know that we won’t stand for any more pansy stances on green living - the new dorm should be so sustainable it actually helps makes the other dorms more green. With envy.
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Dorms not green enough
Whitworth needs to increase its tuition charges
Hydroponics Garden & Oxygen Capture SystemIn addition to providing cheap, pure oxygen the garden will supply a renewable food source. Carrots, lettuce, squash, spinach and more!
Communal Living SpacesFurnished with recycled materials,students may now experience the joys of having dozens of roommates.
Live Tree No Whitworth trees will be harmed in the making of this building. Residents will experience the thrill of living nextto nature.
Energy Star sponsoredEntertainment Center Energy e�cient game and movie room providesspace for community building.
Express Recycling CenterBringing the most e�cient and advanced recyclingsorting technology into the dorm. Up to four materials supported.
Specialized Compost &Water Reclamation SystemTurns waste water and organic kitchen waste into rich soil and pure water which can be reused in the garden.
Control Room Senses all activities
within the building.
Great HallMaximum natural
light achieved with glass walls.
Eco-Dorm Design
DAVIDREMNICK
OPINIONS EDITOR
REMNICK is a senior majoring in being pretentious. Comments can be sent to [email protected]
THOMPSON is a senior specializing in illegal substances. Com-ments can be sent to [email protected].
I propose that the new dorm set an example and a standard for green construction not only here at Whitworth, but for higher education nationwide. {
Graphic by Annette Farrell
HUNTER S.THOMPSON
POSITION
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Finally, the NBA commissioner David Stern does something I agree with. Let’s not beat around the bush, D-Stern isn’t exactly everyone’s favorite person in the sports world. He’s been known to wipe boogers on seat-bottoms in arenas across the nation, refuses to ever institute rule changes players and coaches actually want, and I even heard he is friends with La-trell Sprewell, which is just not a good life decision. So what has Stern done that has changed him from booger-wiper to my home-home-home-boy? He has finally taken a stand against the NBA Eastern Confer-ence’s mediocrity.
In a surprise press conference last Saturday night, Stern announced the Eastern Conference will only be allowed four teams into the playoffs from now on, starting this year. I’ve hashed through how horrible the East is in the Jock Strip before, and perhaps Stern is one of my readers, because he has taken action be cutting the regularly eight playoff positions down to four.
Stern said in his press conference, “It’s really just pointless have the regular first round match-ups. I mean come on, let’s not kid ourselves, a team like the 76ers are never going to beat the Heat.”
I’ve got to be honest, despite my past rubs with Stern, I couldn’t agree more. If the playoffs were to start this week under the old rules, as of Tuesday the Bulls, Celtics, Heat and Magic would be the number one through four seeds. Then after that it falls off a cliff, with the Atlanta Hawks in fifth who have won less games against winning teams than the L.A. Clippers, who are the third-worst team in the West. Following the Hawks would be the 76ers, the Knicks and the Pac-ers.
“It would be a waste of our time and resources to keep the fifth through eighth seeds in the East,” Stern said. “Those teams obviously have no chance and take up television slots from real teams in the Western Conference.”
It’s as if Stern has been reading my mind. By elimi-nating all but the top four teams in the East from even entering the playoffs, it skips straight to quality, and passes by possible injuries and fatigue for the only four competitive teams in the East. Meanwhile, the Western Conference will maintain the traditional eight seeds in the playoffs.
“We’ve noticed a trend over the past several years where nearly every team that wins the title and nearly any team worth watching is from the Western Confer-ence,” Stern said.
A number of players from around the league have commented on the surprise rule change by Commis-sioner Stern.
Carmelo Anthony of the would-be playoff bound Knicks said, “Denver’s looking pretty good right now.”
The Laker’s Pao Gasol said in broken English, “We knowed it was going come one day. It was just matter of time.”
Former Phoenix Suns All-Star and CBS commenta-tor, Charles Barkley barked, “The Eastern Conference is ‘turrible.’ I’ve been saying the East was ‘turrible’ ever since I entered the league. It was ‘turrible’ then and it’s ‘turrible’ now. Stern did the right thing. Uh...I forgot what else I was going to say.”
So there you have it folks. Let this day go down in the record books as the first and possibly the only time I’ll ever agree with a decision made by Commissioner Stern. The East got what it deserved, four fewer playoff spots and ESPN got what it deserves, some open time slots which would have been bad basketball games, and it can now play something much more entertain-ing than watching the Pacers… perhaps a Spelling Bee.
first half. They got within nine points in the second half, but Duke pulled away in the end to win 75-58. The Blue Devils were led by 20 points and 10 assists from guard Nolan Smith, and forward Kyle Singler added 11 points and eight rebounds. Star freshman Harrison Barnes scored 16 for the Tar Heels one day after dropping an ACC freshman record 40 points against Clemson. 07
The athletic palette of Whit-worth University just got a bit bigger. On Monday, Sports In-formation Director Steve Flegel announced a unanimous deci-sion to phase out the university’s cross-country team in favor of instituting a table tennis team.
The main reasoning behind this decision is twofold: first of all, the illustrious sport has been deemed more prestigious, and, in keeping with Whitworth’s high standards, just a lot less boring than watching a bunch of skinny kids running through a park.
The second reason has to do
with the global perspective. Ac-cording to Flegel, “Ping-pong encourages diversity. It is inter-nationally popular and brings in a huge new contingent; Whit-worth’s dorms are literally burst-ing with ping-pong talent. Be-sides, cross-country technically isn’t even an Olympic sport. This change will open the opportuni-ty for our students to take their game beyond the confines of the University.”
Excitement has also been generated over the recruitment of Chinese national table tennis coach Liu Guoliang. Reportedly, he was sold after just one walk
through Stewart Hall. “This is a prime facility. I’ve never seen a more beautiful building”, Guol-iang said.
Plans are already underway to install a practice facility in the basement of the President’s mansion. President Beck Tay-lor reportedly wants to keep a close eye on the team’s progress. Tryouts will occur during finals week, and practice will begin in mid-August.
Contact Dan Patrick at [email protected].
Ping-pong replaces cross-country Story by Dan Patrick
Did You Know?
Table tennis was banned in the former Soviet Union
from the early twentieth century to 2007 because the sport was believed to
cause sterility.
Pointing fingers, tak-ing blame and regret-
The Jock Stripsports talk with colin zalewski
In an early off-season move, the Whitworth Pirates basket-ball team signed Gonzaga’s Mark Few as head coach in wake the departure of former coach Jim Hayford. Fol-lowing the Bucs’ exit from the NCAA Division III tournament in the Elite Eight, athletic director Warren Fried-richs stated that he would “settle for nothing less than another overachieving coach.”
Friedrichs believes that in Few he has found the perfect candidate: motivated, intense, and hungry for championships.
Negotiations have been go-ing on since just two days af-ter Hayford’s departure. Other candidates were considered, but Few’s familiarity with Spo-kane, his strong convictions, his winning record and his dis-satisfaction with his former pro-gram rendered him the perfect
choice. Few said, “The decision was easy. Gonzaga has under-performed and failed to live up to expectations for the last six years or so, and I wanted to go
somewhere I know that fail-ure never hap-pens. Little did I know I would find such a pro-gram so close by.”
Additional motivation for leaving Spokane’s better-known campus was evident by Few’s indication that interactions with Gonzaga’s president Robert Spitzer were “kind of terrifying.”
Perhaps the most valuable new tool Few brings to the table is his recruiting savvy. In a re-cent ESPN poll, he was ranked the number 2 head coach at drawing from the emaciated, seven-foot-tall-white-kids-working-in-an-orchard pool and bringing them to his pro-gram–a contingent that could
finally push Whitworth into the nation’s elite.
Whitworth, however, already has almost everything in an ath-letic program that Few is look-ing for–namely, open space, air conditioning and athletes com-pletely bereft of ego. Citing B.F. Skinner as a huge influence, he claims, “I just kind of want a bunch of robots willing to buy into anything they’re told, no questions asked.”
As a related afterthought, he mentioned that after he takes Whitworth to a national title, he wants to coach middle school.
For now, though, Whitworth’s athletic staff is excited. With Few at the helm, the prospect of yet another conference title seems all but assured, and the con-tinuation of Whitworth’s illustri-ous basketball legacy is in good hands.
Contact Peter King at [email protected].
Mark Few now Pirates’ coach Story by Peter King
Perhaps the most valuable new tool Few brings to the table is his recruiting savvy.
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WHITPICS
TOP LEFT: Leonard Oakland’s Core 250 Nietzsche lecture rips a hole in time and space, creating an anachronistic paradox. In this image, Union soldier Bill Renders hefts a Browning .50 caliber.
Photo by Taylor Zajicek
TOP RIGHT: Sinbad of the Rainbow Jesus Palace , black moor goldfish, idles in his watery abode. Since the taking of this photo, Sinbad has met with the real Jesus in goldfish heaven. May his soul rest in peace (Jan. 2011- March 2011).
Photo by Taylor Zajicek
BOTTOM RIGHT: The Prophet of the Blues, mysterious tuba player, raises his arms and shouts, “I am Superman!”
Photo by Taylor Zajicek
BOTTOM LEFT: The prehistoric egg smiles in anticipation of hatching soon. Others are less excited about this.
Photo by Maria Chumov
MIDDLE LEFT: Senior Jared Lollar’s right hand emerges from a homemade oven-sau-na, like a chick from its moist cocoon.
Photo courtesy of Patrick Power-Moore
photos of the week
