Last week, an armed standoff between students Nick Burns and Alex Gradisher concluded with pepperoni and police. The confrontation, which took place in the Copy Center on March 18, was preceded by a series of strange events involving the Student Government Association. Beginning during the spring semester, student Joshua Camacho began working at the Copy Center. But his intentions were none too obvious. Camacho’s real motivations for taking the position became apparent when confronted by Steve Collier, SGA student body president. According to Collier, Camacho was a sleeper agent charged with infiltrating the Copy Center by fringe elements in The Scribe Office driven by deadlines to militant insanity. SGA operatives proceeded to hold Camacho captive in the SGA office. Camacho was forced to watch while members of the office

waterboarded kittens. No questions were ever asked of him. In response, Burns and Gradisher, armed with sharpened mop sticks and fireworks, laid siege to the Copy Center. The two took office staff, along with several pieces of loud and expensive equipment, hostage. Their demands, which were sent via carrier rat, included the immediate release of Camacho as well as the immediate resignation of Collier, President Obama and Dave Thomas, the diseased founder of the Wendy’s franchise. Additionally, they stipulated that student admission fees be utilized to FedEx children in Bratislava one shoe lace each at Christmas. The two indicated that they would cut off one of their own toes and mail it to the SGA office every hour until their demands were met. The standoff gained international notoriety with the arrival of Dennis Rodman, who recently returned from his trip to the Arctic Circle where

he had been attempting to broker peace talks with penguins. “I know what this is, but let’s not, uh, horseshoe all the way till February,” Rodman said. He began singing “Ave Maria,” promptly vomited up the contents of a mini-bar and then fell asleep. The situation lasted for several days but was finally brought to a conclusion due to of a lack of prior planning. The duo’s plot was foiled when, owing to a lack of food, they smashed a window, crawled out and used an emergency phone in the parking Lot 4 to order pizza. The pizza was delivered by an undercover officer from the local SWAT team. After a brief struggle, Burns and Gradisher were taken into custody. Burns suffered mild abrasions to his head, and Gradisher, while physically unharmed, required immediate counseling to avoid a complete mental breakdown. At the time of his arrest, Gradisher allegedly would

not stop yelling “Thanks, Obama.” As a result of backlog in the El Paso county courts, the two are likely to only be charged with improper use of campus emergency phones. Camacho was released unharmed and will

allegedly be running for senator of public affairs. Tom Hutton, executive director of University Advancement, could not be reached for comment. A note taped to his office door stated, “I have gone south. Do not follow me.” S

the cribMonday, April Fools, 2013 UCCS Student NewspaperVol. 37, Iss. 20

culture

newsLot 4

page 1

Fashion policepage 2

opinion Emailpage 3

sportsOlympics

page 4

InsideIssuethis

The story is further down the page. No teaser needed here.

Fashion Enforcement Services is warning students to trade in their yoga pants for

bell-bottoms or face a stiff fine.

Due to popular de-mand, The Scribe will stop printing and start emailing issues article

by article.

Pueblo, Colo., has won the bid to host the

2024 summer games.

UCCS will close park-ing Lot 4 indefinitely on April 15. While the lot is not under any renova-tion, Public Safety and Parking and Transporta-tion Services have de-cided to close it because not enough students have parked in the area to jus-tify maintenance. Parking and Transpor-tation Services denied the claim that the lot is being closed to spite those con-tributing to the increased volume of complaints about too few parking spaces and permits. The department said in a statement that clos-ing the lot will make the campus safer given the increased number of re-ported hit and runs in the area. The change will likely force students to arrive

earlier than usual to find parking and make it to their classes on time, of-ficials said. “I already have to be here 30 minutes early [to park], and I paid for a parking permit,” said sophomore English major Tiffany Brewer. “I have to fight for a spot with the current situ-ation, and now they are closing down one of the lots. Do they expect us to park on sidewalks?” Brewer showed con-cern about closing the lot given the number of addi-tional students the campus is expected to see within the next few years. “[Campus officials] are building more dorms, and we need more parking spots, not fewer,” Brewer said. Parking and Transpor-tation Services plans to make a public announce-ment concerning the clo-sure sometime before April 15. Officials said Public Safety will have a

more visible presence the day of the announcement. “Parking is already very limited. What do they expect us to do? ... The neighborhoods across from the university will be packed with student cars,” sophomore and WEST major James Reasor said.

Community residents have said that cars parked along residential streets

will be towed, keyed or tarred and feathered.

A Parking and Trans-portation Services em-ployee offered some per-spective on the closure on the condition of anonym-ity.

“We are so, so tired of the complaints day in and day out,” the employee said. “Why can’t some-one tell me I am doing

a good job? Is a box of chocolates every now and then so much to ask for? Students brought this on themselves. Don’t force us to close more lots. We will.”

The parking employee said that the sooner stu-dents forget about the clo-sure, the faster they can get back to fighting over parking spaces.

Parking Lot 4 to close April 15, department officials sayTailor Eatinteaton2@uccs.eduRoberta Solacersolis@uccs.edu

Photo by James SibertDue to student complaints and lack of use, Lot 4 will be closed on April 15.

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Photo by Nick BurnsRemoved by force from his position at the Copy Center, Joshua Camacho was found to be providing insider infor-mation to The Scribe.

The Most Interesting Student at UCCS,

page 2

Copy Center hostage crisis draws to an endNic Beetlejuicenbeadles@uccs.edu

One of the newest clubs to be added to the UCCS club roster is the Nap Club. This new club is a loosely-affiliated collec-tion of students with minor narcoleptic tendencies and a tepid desire to promote a sleep-related agenda. It is difficult to deter-mine the exact number of students in the club, as eli-gibility requirements only necessitate that members are on campus and uncon-scious. According to some fig-ures, much as most of the campus is already part of the group, particularly around 9 a.m. on Mon-days. Members of the Nap Club can be found hard

at work conducting club business across campus, though many are most frequently seen in Student Life and Leadership and outside the Kramer Library in University Center. Theresa Shivow, the club’s president, is a neu-rology major. “Many of our club members come from math backgrounds,” Shivow indicated. “There’s just something about that field of study that seems to lend its students toward long periods of less than lucid-ity.” Shivow’s major thesis pertains to tracking the brain waves in voluntarily cataleptic undergrads as well as in various store-bought produce. Sealy Nyx, a Bulgarian exchange student attend-

ing UCCS to study the lat-est techniques for combat-ing sleep apnea, stated that she joined the Nap Club to “make friend, and have good sleeps.” Brad Somner, who has not declared a major but frequents club meetings, said, while attempting to engage in club business, “Shnuuhk. Huh? What? No go away. Fruushaww.” One of the biggest achievements of the club so far has been lobbying UCCS to join the Crusade for Cushions on Campuses movement. The CCC is a nation-al coalition that seeks to raise awareness regarding uncomfortable sleeping conditions, as well as the dangers of restless leg syn-drome. As a result of its efforts,

several new couches and chairs were liberated from the apartments of the lo-cal elderly to furnish the lounge in the Student Life and Leadership Office. According to Shivow, the Nap Club is currently

working to secure its place in Greek Life by starting a fratrority under the moni-ker Beta Theta Delta. So far, the largest ob-stacle to this plan has been the failure of key members to show up at Greek Life

meetings. Most are as-sumed to be sleeping in. For more information on the Nap Club or how to join, students are encour-aged to lay down where they are and attempt to fall asleep as soon as possible.

Culture April Fools, 2013 Page 2

It may be 2013, but for some on campus, it will always be 1970. The Fashion Police, officially titled 1970s-era Fashion Enforcement Services, is a new subset of the Department of Public Safety tasked with enforcing a strict 1970s style dress on campus, university officials said in an announcement on the department’s website last week. University policies require students be notified of changes to the standards of appropriate conduct concerning prohibited actions. The current UCCS code of conduct includes 21 standards that prohibit acts like stalking, hazing or theft. The newest addition

prohibits “wearing any clothing or donning any style not made in, originating from or inspired by the 1970s.” The new standard went into effect last week. “Lately, we’ve noticed too many students wearing baggy jeans or sporting buzzed haircuts,” said UCCS Chief of Police Brad McPeak. “These acts are unfitting for a public institution of higher education, and they project the wrong image of this university.” McPeak, who replaced Jerry Price as chief of police on April 1, cautioned students to not interpret the goal of the Fashion Police as trying to limit students’ options when it comes to what to wear. “You have to put this context,” McPeak said. “It’s 2013, but it’s

absolutely still acceptable to dress like we’re in the ‘70s. You don’t have to be a hipster to realize that it’s what we want the university to become. It’s classic, and it’s good.” Asked about any fashion tips for students: “Dress to impress,” McPeak said. “You don’t necessarily need to suit up, but the baggy pants especially can be a turnoff to prospective students looking for a professional, adult academic environment, and their parents may choose to send them somewhere else.” Several students that were made aware of the change complained, saying that the Fashion Police have written more tickets for bad attire than have given out tickets for all other offenses combined, such as traffic violations,

driving under the influence and aggressive behavior. Others think that the dress code enforcement is justified. “It’s about time they did something about these students and their horrible outfits,” said Gary Ixampool, a senior geography student. “I’ve seen way too many outfits that I find personally distasteful – outfits that pose a danger to the image we’re trying to project,” Ixampool said. “Students shouldn’t be allowed to wear whatever they want because others have to see it.” Asked if the Fashion Police should be forced to wear 1970s clothing too: “No,” Ixampool said. “Even though they’re the ones that made the rules, they should be able to set themselves apart

somehow, otherwise no one will know who is meant to enforce the dress code.” Many think their personal eye for fashion is just as — if not more — valid than the style being proposed by the Public Safety division. Feshawn Violahtre, a freshman communication student, thinks that it’s insulting that her choice of style isn’t represented in the dress code being enforced by the Fashion Police, noting that she wears popular brands like Firemerge, Reveal It and Brand, Ish. “Much of their dress code is outdated,” she said. “The clothes, the makeup – I have a right to wear whatever concealer I want, thank you very much. I’m an adult; I can make my own decisions.”

UCCS Fashion Police to enforce strict 1970s dress codeJessica Burnsjbyrnes@uccs.edu

Hiding in plain sight, Cas Quasi has been all over the state. He has thought about climbing at least one fourteener and once came close to seeing the Great Sand Dunes. He is The Most Inter-esting Student at UCCS. “I didn’t ask for this honor,” Quasi said while waiting for his World of Warcraft raiding group at the Columbine computer lab. “I just, you know, al-most do stuff sometimes.” His list of almost-acco-

lades almost defies count-ing. He almost ran for stu-dent body president two years ago, but a Dr. Who marathon aired the week he had to submit his ap-plication. He almost was involved in fighting the Waldo Can-yon Fire last summer, but his raiding schedule that week was intense. He’s also almost done with his sophomore year. He even almost met the mayor of Colorado Springs once. The award was created this year in an unprec-edented move by the uni-

versity. “Cas is a beacon for other students. We want everyone to look at him

and see what they might become,” Tom Hutton, executive director of Uni-versity Advancement, said in a press release. “We don’t take the cre-ation of an award lightly,” Chancellor Pam Shock-ley-Zalaback added. “The plan is to make this an annual celebration of one single student every year.” Some students are ex-cited for Quasi. “Dude. Cas got an award? That’s awesome,” said Jonas Mandra, his friend. “Oh, that guy in my

COMM class?” said Sally Salora. “I guess I know him. Cool that he got an award, though.” Others are not con-vinced that he deserves the honor. “That’s stupid. Why should he get an award for not going places?” said Frank Burnin. “I go plac-es all the time, and I didn’t get an award. I’m going to complain to the chancel-lor about this.” Despite the controversy, however, Quasi remains upbeat. “Haters gonna hate, man. You gotta just roll with it.”

Quasi was informed of his win last week. He was promised a medal and an award ceremony, which has yet to be scheduled. “There’s no real hurry,” he said, glancing away from his Twitter feed. “I’m sure I might get it eventually.” The college has prom-ised that at the very least, there will be a presenta-tion of the award to Quasi. Chancellor Pam Shock-ley-Zalaback said, “We just have to make sure ev-erything is done right. We don’t want a cloud hang-ing over the ceremony.”

The inaugural Most Interesting Student at UCCS namedErin Collettacollett@uccs.edu

Photo by Alex GradisherCas Quasi is The Most In-teresting Student at UCCS.

Photo by Nick BurnsThe Nap Club assembled for a meeting in the Student Life and Leadership Office.

Photo illustration by Josh Camacho

Non-’70s outfits like the one shown above will be fined.

Members of Nap Club spread out a laidback club agendaNic Beetlejuicenbeadles@uccs.edu

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When the latest issue of The Scribe hits the stands next Monday, it will be somewhere students can’t afford to miss: their in-boxes. Effective April 1 for the following week’s is-sue, instead of printing issues, The Scribe will begin emailing all articles to students. A new article will be sent every hour of the day on Mondays, filling stu-dent email inboxes with the latest campus news – and the occasional lolcat. With 24 hours in the day and about as many articles in each week’s newspaper, students will have a constant stream of articles in their inboxes in addition to commentary emailed by individual Scribe columnists. And since email is an official university com-munication channel, stu-dents are expected to read every article, which will be marked high priority. Some students already complain about receiving unsolicited emails from the university, but these will be emails they actu-ally want to read. While many contend that having to wait an

entire hour for each new article is too suspenseful, others realize that it is the most conve-nient move for getting all the week’s campus news in one place. Frankly, it is a foolproof delivery sys-tem that we should have invested in years ago to prevent the hassle of de-livering pa-pers all over campus and main ta in ing a website. IT has stat-ed that imple-menting this system will slow down the server considerably. But, seeing as so few stu-dents have access to the Internet, this will only be a temporary inconve-nience. And students agree. A highly scientific survey conducted by The Scribe showed that one out of three students preferred to be emailed articles. The one student was the

editor-in-chief. The other two students were seniors graduating this spring, so they won’t be around to see what happens to their feedback anyway. Emailing each issue ar-ticle by article also saves students from having to hunt for those bright green, hidden newspaper stands or entering The Scribe’s long, obnoxious website name into any

browser on the dozens of available computers around campus. Now, we know what you’re thinking: “Well, I guess that will give me something to do on Mon-days. But what will I do for the rest of the week?” Don’t worry. As an added bonus, students will also receive any-where from 15-20 daily emails from the editor-

in-chief, so everyone can expect to be updated on the latest memes and lol-cats. Emails from Scribe columnists will continue throughout the week, adding about 10 random emails to the number stu-dents can already expect. The Scribe is also in the process of obtaining student cell phone num-bers to send students text

messages with full sto-ries, photos and more. UCCS has a reputation as a commuter school, which segregates on- and off-campus students. To reunite the two, the first step is to make both feel wanted. What better way to feel special than to get several dozen of the same emails per week as everyone else?

OpinionApril Fools, 2013 Page 3

Letters to the EditorThe Scribe strongly encourages letters to the editor. Letters intended for pub-lication must not exceed 350 words, must be legible and include the writ-er’s name and contact information. Letters must be submitted to The Scribe via email at scribe@uccs.edu by 5 p.m. on Wednesdays before publication. The Scribe reserves the right to reject letters to the editor that are libelous, obscene or anonymous and has the right to edit as necessary due to space limitations, spelling or other grammatical errors and AP style guidelines.

Distribution PolicyThe following conducts are prohibited by The Scribe: Publication and news rack theft. A person commits the offense(s) of publication and/or news rack theft when he or she willfully or knowingly obtains or exerts unauthorized control over more than one copy of any edition of a publica-tion distributed on or off campus (a “publication” is any periodical that is distributed on a complimentary basis). Any person who commits these of-fences is responsible for compensating The Scribe for any reasonable costs incurred, including, where appropriate, the refunding of advertising fees.

ArchivesAdditional copies of the current publication volume are available in The Scribe’s office. The Scribe keeps issues from the past five vol-umes for internal use only. The Office of University Archives will han-dle any request for additional issues from the past five years and before.

AdvertisingIf you, your club, organization or business wishes to advertise with The Scribe, please call (719) 255-3469 or email scribe2@uccs.edu.

the cribeEditor-in-Chief . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sara HortonManaging Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jesse Byrnes Copy Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Taylor HargisNews Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Eleanor SkeltonCulture Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cynthia Jeub Opinion/Life on the Bluffs Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Aaron CollettSports Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jonathan TomanPhoto Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Alex Gradisher Business Manager . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mike EnglishDesigner . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Emily OlsonDesigner and Photographer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Robert SolisCartoonist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Steven FenczikWeb Designer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Edwin SatreAd Sales Representatives . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nikolas Roumell. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jamie Burnett Lead Photographer and Columnist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nicholas BurnsPhotographers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Joshua Camacho. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . James SibertReporters . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . April Wefler. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Peter Farrell. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Samantha Morley. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kyle Marino . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nick Beadleston. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Alexander Nedd. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dezarae YoderJunior Reporter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Crystal Chilcott. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jackson RowlandColumnists . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Taylor Eaton. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Shelby ShivelyDistributor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lisa EricksonAdvisor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Laura Eurich

Contact us:On campus: UC 106Phone: (719) 255-3658Email: scribe@uccs.edu

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Staff Editorialscribe@uccs.edu

The Scribe to stop printing, send weekly emails instead

Screenshot by Sara HortonStudents can look forward to emails, such as this one, from The Scribe.

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Sports April Fools, 2013 Page 4

After an intense bidding process, the city of Pueblo, Colo., has been selected by the International Olym-pic Committee to host the games of the 33rd Olym-piad. Pueblo beat out close competitions from North Platte, Neb., and Minot, N.D. Los Angeles was interested but was consid-ered too large to host. UCCS Athletic Direc-tor Steve Kirkham, who attended grade school in Pueblo, weighed in on the decision, calling Pueblo “the perfect venue for an Olympic Games. Gus’s has the coldest beer in the world, and nobody in the world makes a cinnamon sopapilla like Nacho’s.” Pueblo spots a new track facility, as well as 20 mph winds from the south in the summer that lead to heat indexes approaching 112 degrees, making it perfect for the best athletes in the world. Kirkham said that he would “definitely want the bottled water rights for that

entire two weeks.” Various other cities in southern Colorado, includ-ing Trinidad, Canon City and Lamar, will also host certain events. Trinidad, which will host basketball games, “must be the most expen-sive ticket,” according to

Kirkham. This is due to the limited seating available in the Trinidad State Junior College gymnasium. “I’m anxious to see if Olympic committee members give up their seats to fans,” he added. Lamar will host row-ing competitions but “we

need some snow” so it can be competition-ready, said Kirkham. “[I am] proud that Can-on City bought off the fly fisherman so they can use the rivers for whitewater [rafting],” Kirkham said. Colorado Springs will host the equestrian events

at the Penrose Events Cen-ter. The other noteworthy release regarding the 2024 games included the addi-tion of three new sports to the games: underwater basket weaving, underwa-ter boxing and unicycle jousting.

Kirkham, however, would prefer to see a hy-brid of these events in the games. “Unicycle under-water jousting would be my preference, especially if they have to wear medi-eval helmets,” he said. With the Olympics so close to UCCS, this will present a unique opportu-nity for UCCS student ath-letes to see the best athletes in the world firsthand. Kirkham expects all UCCS athletes to not only attend the games but to work there as well. However, there will be no transportation provided to Pueblo from UCCS. “We have pretty enter-prising student athletes; they can find a place to stay in Pueblo,” said Kirkham. “But I don’t want anyone sneaking into the Olympic Village to meet the ath-letes.” Kirkham has also been selected to carry the Olym-pic torch part of the way through Colorado Springs. “Wow,” he said. “I just hope it’s not the same week I have my condo in Breck-inridge – I don’t want to give up my golf time.”

Pueblo receives bid for 2024 Olympic Summer GamesJonny Tommandojtoman@uccs.edu

Photo by Alex GradisherPueblo’s skyline will be the backdrop for the 2024 Olympic Summer Games.

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Gov. John Hickenloop-er (D-Colo.) set western-state precedence as he signed into law gun mea-sures that limit magazine capacity and require the expansion of background checks. The state remains in the spotlight following his March 11 signature with resulting controver-sy over the bills. “It’s being sold to the public under the auspice of it’s going to prevent a future Aurora or Sandy Hook or Columbine or Virginia Tech,” El Paso County Sheriff Terry

Continued on page 6 . . .

the cribeMonday, April 1, 2013 UCCS Student NewspaperVol. 37, Iss. 20

Photo by Alex GradisherPolice officers from across Colorado stood in support of one of their fellow colleagues as he testified in front of the Senate.

culture

newsSpacepage 6

Alumnus artworkpage 8

opinion Drug testing

page 9

sportsWNBA

page 11

InsideIssuethis

The physics and engi-neering departments

will share their projects at the National Space

Symposium.

Thanks to artist Kyle Smith, the Public Safety building is full of anime

characters.

Random drug test-ing has been called a personal rights viola-tion, but it may be a

necessary action.

Donna Orender, former WNBA president, will be on campus for two days to discuss ethical

leadership.

Vice presidential can-didate Laura Schrein-er withdrew her name from a joint ticket with presidential candidate Jasmine Caldwell the week prior to the March 11-15 SGA elections. According to Article III of the SGA constitution, can-didates for president and vice president must run on a joint ticket. Schreiner and Caldwell still plan to run – but on separate tickets. Schreiner explained via email, “I will simply state that I no longer wished to run with Miss Jasmine. I found out information per-taining to her that would weaken our Presidency.” She indicated her deci-sion to withdraw her name came after discussing the situation with her advisors and others, who she did not specify. After contemplating the issue, Schreiner decided “it would be in the best interest of SGA to not run with Miss Jasmine; And thus pulled my name Fri-day, so we would not be on the ballot.” Initially, Schreiner would not elaborate fur-ther on specifics for the decision and stated “not everyone needs to know the nitty-gritty details of why I choose not to run with Miss Jasmine.” Schreiner also said in an email that “the reason

I don’t want to elaborate on why I dropped from the race with Jasmine is because she is my pro-[tempore] and she does do a lot for her position, and I don’t want to discredit that.” However, after further inquiry both through email and in person, Schreiner indicated that she felt Caldwell’s priorities were an issue. “She was putting all other commitments before SGA,” Schreiner said. In an interview, Caldwell initially stated Schreiner dropped her name before telling her. However, she recanted her pervious statement and indicated Schreiner withdrew and informed her within the same hour, and she could not recall which came first. Referring to the split between the two, Caldwell said, “After what hap-

pened, I kinda want to be low key for a while.” When asked about her absence at the SGA can-didate panel on March 5, Caldwell indicated that the election commission “decided on a date for the panel the day before, and they didn’t wait to see if we could attend.” She still intends to run for the position of presi-dent with Donald Apelo as her vice presidential can-didate. Caldwell is currently the senator for multicultur-al affairs, and both she and Apelo are peer educators with Respect on Campus. “I don’t want people to vote for me because I’m the only choice; I want them to vote for me be-cause I’m the best choice,” she said. In the event she does not win the election, Caldwell indicated she would not seek another

office in SGA. However, she did state that she still wants to take on a leader-ship role, which would likely be with ROC. Schreiner will also still be running for the position of vice president, now on a joint ticket with Kee-gan Schultz, current repre-sentative at large. Casey Chalifour, the current president of Kappa Sigma, and Christopher Burch, Kappa Sigma’s former treasurer, will be running against Schultz and Schreiner for presi-dent and vice president, respectively. Schreiner, currently the senate president and the senator of business, indicated she has sent out mass emails to the College of Business attempting to find someone to fill her senate seat, which could potentially be left vacant in June. Schreiner expressed a

desire to retain one or both of her current positions in the events that the offices are not filled during the special election and she does not win the office of vice president. Another SGA candidate panel will be held on April 11 at noon in Café ‘65. The special election will be held the week of April 22 for SGA house and sen-ate positions not filled dur-ing the regular vote. This voting period will also coincide with the special elections for the Green Ac-tion Fund. At press time, the SGA does not have any can-didates running for any positions not filled during the regular elections other than those running for vice president and president. Applications to run for offices will be accepted at the Student Life and Lead-ership Office until April 1 at 12:45 p.m.

Last-minute change in SGA lineup leads to special election Nick Beadlestonnbeadles@uccs.edu

Photos by Nick BurnsJasmine Caldwell, left, and Laura Schreiner will be running separately for the special election the week of April 22.

Gun debate continues despite Hickenlooper signatureDezarae Yoderdyoder@uccs.edu

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Alcohol on campus, page 7

News April 1, 2013 Page 6

Maketa told The Scribe. “It’s just not true. Most of those fatalities came from handguns and shot-guns, so the capacity has very little to do with it,” Maketa said. Others believe that the proposed measures will address the issue of mass shootings. “I think it will make it more difficult for people to get guns who shouldn’t have them, and that’s re-ally the goal,” said Rep. Beth McCann, D-Denver, on requiring background checks, according to the Associated Press. While Hickenlooper defended the legislation, citing endorsement from

across the state, he also rejected the idea that lob-bying had come from the nation’s capital. “This didn’t come from the White House,” he said. Last month, Vice Presi-dent Joe Biden called to speak with four Demo-cratic representatives in Denver to discuss the role Colorado was playing in the national gun control debate. “He said it would send a strong message to the rest of the country that a Western state had passed gun-control bills,” Rep. Tony Exum, D-Colorado Springs, told The Den-ver Post of Biden’s phone call.

Of the seven original bills proposed, House Bill 1228, which requires gun buyers to pay for their own background checks, was the only one to receive enough votes to move it immediately to the gover-nor’s desk. House Bill 1226, which would have banned con-cealed carry on Colorado college campuses, was ef-fectively killed on March 8 by the bill’s own spon-sor. Sen. Rollie Heath, D-Boulder, set aside the bill for May 10, two days after the current session ends. After hearing much testimony in opposition, including statements from several women, Heath

recognized campus safety concerns March 4 when testimony was given re-garding each of the seven bills. “In committee, we heard from young women, who had tragic situations on campus where they felt a gun was needed for self-defense and those who experienced that same trauma at the hands of a concealed carry gun own-er,” Heath said, according to The Denver Post. Sheriff Justin Smith of Larimer County was one of more than 25 in atten-dance at the hearings who voiced their opinions about HB 1226. Smith remains skeptical

that the concealed-carry bill is truly dead. If it is, he told The Scribe that it is “a victory for honest, law-abiding citizens from around the state of Colo-rado.” “You’re more likely to be raped in college than at any other time,” Brecken-ridge Sheriff John Minor told The Scribe. “Now they’re saying you can’t have a gun? A law-abiding legal citizen who has the right to con-ceal carry – your choice whether you want it or not – and they’re saying no? It just irritates me,” Minor added. Senate Bill 196, anoth-er bill pushed back until

May 10, would have held manufacturers, sellers and buyers of assault weapons liable for crimes commit-ted with the gun. Several senators showed strong opposition to Hick-enlooper’s decision to sign the bill. “It turns out this guy who everybody thought was a moderate Democrat is actually a gun-control governor,” said Sen. Greg Brophy, R-Wray. “I think the governor will be replaced by some-one who has Colorado val-ues instead of New York City values. If Republicans are returned to control we will repeal these bills im-mediately.”

(Continued from page 5) Gun debate continues despite signature

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The National Space Symposium, a conference hosted by the nonprofit Space Foundation, will feature a UCCS booth for the physics and engineer-ing departments. The event, running April 8-11, started in 1984 with an audience of 250 and has grown to 9,000 people. This year is the 29th iteration of the an-nual event, which will be hosted at the Broadmoor Hotel. It has become the primary event for all scientific and cultural phenomena surrounding space. UCCS’ involvement in the space symposium was the work of Margo Hat-ton, director of develop-ment for the CU Founda-tion. Hatton was the former manager of development and education partner-ships for the Space Foun-dation until she was hired as a fundraiser for the CU Foundation. The symposium will feature several notable speakers in the industry, including General Yves Arunaud, commander of the French Ministry of Defense; Craig Barrett, former CEO of Intel; and Lori Garver, deputy ad-

ministrator of NASA. The event is a blend between product conven-tion and networking con-ference. Several sponsors for the event are adver-tised, including aerospace industry giants Boeing, Northrop Grumman and Raytheon. Material at the UCCS booth will be designed to be accessible to individu-als of any background, though those involved said that presenters for both departments are pre-pared to answer higher-level questions. The event coordinator for the physics depart-ment, Jewell Hartman, will be manning the UCCS booth for the event. “We want to present the most state-of-the-art, cutting-edge research that we have at the sympo-sium,” Hartman said. The physics depart-ment will be featuring two projects at the event, and the engineering depart-ment will be emphasizing a project developed by the Biofrontier, according to Hartman. “Biofrontier’s [project] will be the main half of the physics [demonstra-tion], and the other half will probably be split be-tween magnetics and oth-er theoretical disciplines,” Hartman explained.

The Biofrontiers cen-ter is staffed by six UCCS faculty, five of whom will be present for the space symposium. The engineering half of the booth will be focused on presenting its findings for measurements for thruster forces. Stephen Sloan, a senior in mechanical and aero-space engineering, will be present for part of the space symposium, man-ning the engineering half of the booth and answer-ing questions about the engineering department’s showcase. “We are working main-ly with advanced micro-propulsion concepts for orbital space vehicles, as well as rarified gas dy-namics and phenomena,” Sloan said. Networking is a large factor for the event, and while Sloan will be deal-ing with personal sched-uling conflicts, he re-mained optimistic about the event. “There might not be a lot of time [for me] to make those connections, but if there’s the opportu-nity, absolutely, I would take it,” said Sloan. Hartman said that the physics department also hopes to expand and es-tablish contacts after the event.

UCCS to host booth at National Space SymposiumPeter Farrellpfarrell@uccs.edu

Photo by James SibertPh.D. student Jewell Hartman is in charge of coordinating UCCS’ involvement in the Na-tional Space Symposium. S

Check outour website! uccs .com

NewsApril 1, 2013 Page 7

Members from the UCCS branch of Students for Sensible Drug Policy, an international advocacy and awareness group, are seeking to reassert their stance on the university’s drug policy. The group has re-ap-proached the issue after questions rose surrounding an email sent to students in December regarding mari-juana use on campus. Amendment 64, passed in November 2012, allows adults 21 and older to con-sume marijuana for per-sonal recreation. After the bill passed, CU President Bruce Ben-son sent out a mass email to CU system students and faculty, clarifying his stance. “I was personally op-posed to Amendment 64 and worked on my own time to defeat it,” Benson said in the email. The UCCS SSDP chap-ter said it was taken aback by the tone of Benson’s email, particularly regard-ing federal funding as it relates to the federal Drug-Free Schools and Commu-nities Act. Meral Sarper, the medi-cal marijuana chair for

SSDP, voiced criticisms of Benson’s reasoning on multiple levels. Sarper first took issue with Benson’s reasoning concerning Amendment 64, as the bill does not change anything regarding campus policies. Section 6-D of the bill reads that “nothing in this section shall prohibit a person, employer, school, ... or any other entity who occupies, owns or controls a property from prohibit-ing or otherwise regulat-ing the possession, con-sumption, use, display, transfer, distribution, sale, transportation, or growing of marijuana on or in that property.” Benson did not men-tion this in his email and focused specifically on the negative drawbacks of los-ing federal funding, reiter-ating that marijuana would continue to be banned on campus. Sarper also found Ben-son’s argument to be ex-aggerated, citing the fact that there would be no plausible legal changes to the CU system in regards to marijuana usage until a policy was changed on a federal level. “I don’t think it’s nec-essarily wrong to share your views, but [Benson’s

statement] created the whole tone of the email to be ‘Watch out, Amend-ment 64 has these stipula-tions,’” Sarper said. SSDP planned to host a speaker this semester to respond but has been forced to reschedule for Fall 2013 due to schedul-ing issues. SSDP is hosting weekly meetings on Thursday nights at 7 p.m. in the Stu-dent Life and Leadership Office, emphasizing citi-zen’s rights and exercising them diplomatically. Raul Perez, president of the SSDP branch on cam-pus, said he would like to see a more open discus-sion about Amendment 64 and marijuana usage, noting that there is much middle ground. “Most people are prob-ably in favor of legaliza-tion, but they have differ-ent ideas on what the retail system should look like,” said Perez. According to the club’s Facebook page, its mis-sion is to empower “young people to participate in the political processes sur-rounding drug policy, while fighting back against the counterproductive drug war, particularly the policies that directly harm youth and us students.”

SSDP aims to clarify various Amendment 64 implicationsPeter Farrellpfarrell@uccs.edu

Photo by Josh CamachoThe UCCS branch of Students for Sensible Drug Policy encourages discussion on drug use.

Despite the stereotype of alcohol-flooded cam-puses, UCCS policy has stated since at least 2008 that alcohol can only be consumed in Clyde’s and the Alpine Village apart-ments. Additionally, alcohol is only allowed as long as legal students don’t have alcohol around underage students. “I think it keeps control on what underage [people] can drink. It’s better than not being able to drink at all,” said Jennifer Skov-gaard, a junior majoring in nursing. “You’re not gonna get drunk at 2 p.m. in Clyde’s – you’re gonna get a beer and have a social aspect,” she said. “You’re not gon-na drink to get drunk.” Others, like Jennifer Voorhees, manager of Clyde’s, see it differently. “I have had students bring in outside liquor in open containers, have had students try and purchase beer without a valid ID or

pass drinks off to younger students, all of which we stop and hopefully prevent from happening again,” she said in an email. “We have a set amount a person can consume

before they are told they must eat food or wait a pe-riod of time before drink-ing more,” Voorhees said. “We have a close work-ing relationship with Pub-lic Safety,” she added.

“Most of the staff has been trained in safe alcoholic service or TIPS training.” According to gettips.com, TIPS is a “skill-based training program that is designed to prevent intoxication, underage drinking and drunk driv-ing.” Additionally, Voorhees said Clyde’s tries to keep a vigilant eye on consump-tion. “I personally have been in the bar business for over a decade, so not much gets by me on a good day,” she said. “Even if a customer looks 50 years old, they should have been ID’ed by whomever sold them a drink. We should be ID’ing everybody,” she added. Although students of age are allowed to con-sume alcohol in Clyde’s and Alpine, Public Safety advises that they always keep in mind the student code of conduct, which is refraining from distribut-ing alcoholic beverages to an underage student. “If there’s a party, they could fine themselves if they’re in violation,” said

Brian McPike, chief of po-lice and executive director of Public Safety. He said Public Safety has had three violations between Aug. 1, 2012 and March 21, all occurring in Alpine Village. The first, during October in Antero House, resulted in issuing a ticket to one person and another placed in the Choices program. Two other violations oc-curred in the Crestone and Shavano houses. “If there’s somebody from off-campus and not a student and underage, we’ll typically issue a ci-tation to them,” McPike said. “We can refer them to Housing, and Housing has the option of putting them in the Choices pro-gram.” According to the UCCS Alcohol and Other Drugs Information website, the punishments for violating the university’s alcohol policy include a combina-tion of a warning, enroll-ment in a Choices pro-gram and a $60 fine for first-time, low-level of-fenders.

Punishments range up to third-time aggravated probation with risk of suspension from housing, lifetime housing proba-tion, 24 hours of commu-nity service and parental notification. Third-time offenses are considered misdemeanors. Despite the violation punishments, some stu-dents feel that the school isn’t doing enough. Kyle Walker, a senior majoring in health promo-tion, doesn’t drink. “But I believe that you need to have better enforcement for the underage drink-ers,” he said. “I recall a couple in-cidents last year of people getting in trouble – people of age having roommates that were underage drink with them. Quite frankly, I’m not a fan of underage drinking,” Walker added. McPike advised stu-dents that do drink to do so in moderation. “If you’re gonna use alco-hol, make sure you know where you are, do it around friends,” he said.

University maintains strict alcohol consumption restrictionsApril Weflerawefler@uccs.edu

Photo by Josh CamachoTessa Martin poured a beer at Clyde’s.

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Culture April 1, 2013 Page 8

A wall in the Public Safety building is now home to anime charac-ters, courtesy of an aux-iliary award art program through the Galleries of Contemporary Art. The program was cre-ated two years ago to con-nect a hybrid auxiliary and academic program and give students a cash reward. The current piece on the wall, “The First Page,” done by UCCS alum-nus Kyle Smith, portrays various anime characters. Smith said that he drew his inspiration for the work from American and Japanese comics. “I guess I first got into comics because I grew up poor, so that was the only thing I could really afford to entertain myself with,” Smith said. “I’ve always had a creative imagination, so I used to make little comics for myself,” he added. Smith said that his favorite comics are the American “Spawn” and the Japanese “Claymore.” As noted on its website, “Spawn” is “one of the longest-running and most respected independent comics of all time.” In “Spawn,” Al Sim-

mons, “once the U.S. gov-ernment’s greatest soldier and most effective assas-sin,” was killed by his own men. After being resurrected from the ashes of his own grave, he is reborn as a Hellspawn and the site explains that “now Spawn must choose between his life on Earth and his place on a throne in Hell.” In contrast, “Claymore” is a manga that takes place “in a world where mon-sters called Yoma prey on

humans and live among them in disguise.” According to anime-newsnetwork.com, the Claymores are girls that become half-monster to destroy the enemy. Smith said that when he got older, he started buy-ing books about Picasso and other famous artists in addition to books about comics. “I wanted to keep true to my roots and show peo-ple that comics are just as much art as an oil painting

from Van Gogh or Pica-sso,” Smith said. “The First Page,” cre-ated in 2011, consists of six Japanese characters and six American char-acters, with Smith in the middle. “It’s really me focusing on both sides of the world, east and west,” Smith said. “That one was done kind of like the Last Sup-per laying down the foun-dations of Christianity. It was me laying down the foundation for my future

art – also showing people that comics can be consid-ered actual art that you see in galleries,” he added. Smith, who is now an independent full-time art-ist, a comic book illustra-tor and a video game art-ist, said “The First Page” is one of his top picks from art that he’s done, as well as one of his better ones and a top favorite. “I paint every day, so I get new works anywhere from seven paintings a week to one or two paint-

ings a week,” he said. Smith travels the coun-try doing art shows and conventions to show off his work. “You get to fit your own hours and do what you want. I’ve al-ways considered the fact that if you do what you love, you’re never work-ing a day in your life.” Daisy McConnell, di-rector of GOCA, said that GOCA is a hybrid auxilia-ry and academic program. Susan Szpyrka, vice chancellor for Adminis-tration and Finance, creat-ed the auxiliary award art program two years ago to connect the two and give cash rewards to students. She added that it was very much driven by wanting to recognize and support students. “We invite all the direc-tors of different auxiliary programs, and they pick out ones that fit well in the space and are high quality and interesting content,” she said. McConnell said that “The First Page” was picked for Public Safety because it brightened up the space and was visu-ally interesting. “It gives someone something to think about other than pay-ing their parking ticket.” The work will be up in Public Safety until the end of June.

Public Safety building displays anime artwork from alumnusApril Weflerawefler@uccs.edu

Photo by Nick BurnsAlumnus Kyle Smith’s art will be on display until the end of June.

For students budgeting between textbooks and tuition, donation-based yoga could be an enjoyable off-campus alternative. Cambio Studios, located on the northeast corner of Austin Bluffs and Meadowland, is the community’s first donation yoga studio and offers classes under the belief that the donation concept “connects us to our community with a very special bond,” according to their website. Although the campus recreational center also offers yoga classes, some UCCS students seem to prefer an off-campus studio. The first class is complimentary, and yoga mats are available to rent at the front desk for $1 per session. Cambio indicates on their website that

suggested donations are $7-12 per class, and also offers memberships for those who want to pay on a monthly basis. Rumors spreading on campus that Cambio offers free classes are a misrepresentation, according to senior chemistry major Morgan Meury, who is close to the owners. If attendees can only afford a few dollars, then the studio’s mission is being fulfilled. “But it is not free,” Meury clarified. Cambio is split between two suites in the strip shopping center, holding classes in both upstairs and downstairs studios on each side of the Strategic Staffing offices. The Yin Yoga class I participated in was upstairs on a Monday evening, but classes are offered throughout the day, including a special lunch hour class from 12:15-1:15 p.m. The majority of the class of around 15 men and women was composed of first-time and beginning

students, ranging from 20-something students in UCCS-branded sweatpants to 50 to 60-year-olds. As I reclined, eyes closed, on a rented yoga mat in the open air studio, the whispers of my classmates and the rush hour traffic on Austin Bluffs faded into a blend of Mumford & Sons and other popular folk music that the instructor Molly Braun turned on, shifting the mood to a calm silence. Low, petal-shaped Le Klint pendant lamps placed on the floor and variegated scarves cover the ceiling like an Asian patchwork quilt. The evening twilight added to the ethereal atmosphere in the classroom. Braun suggested an intention, or mental focus, for the class before giving directions on positions and stretches. True to the basis of most yoga classes, each position was followed by an opposing one, to balance the yin and the yang of the

participants’ minds and bodies. The first poses tended to be harder to assume and stretched the muscles, but the following positions allowed for the body to loosen and participants to breathe more deeply. The class concluded with the traditional Namaste blessing, “the light in me sees and honors the light in you,” and Braun encouraged participants to linger and reflect on the experience, asking those who had to leave first to do so quietly, allowing participants a final moment to collect their thoughts before resuming their daily routine. Cambio Studios is located on 3326 Austin Bluffs Pkwy, and can be contacted by phone at 291-1798 or 321-8547. While walk-ins are welcome, online registration is recommended to reserve places in the class.

Cambio offers donation-based yoga classes for communityEleanor Skeltoneskelton@uccs.edu

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Photo courtesy of Cambio Yoga’s Facebook pageCambio has donation-based classes, so attendees pay what they can afford.

Rating:

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OpinionApril 1, 2013 Page 9

This is a notice being sent from behind enemy lines. Repeat: behind en-emy lines.

I am a prisoner of war being held by the Needle-heads, as crocheters call them, at the April F. Ool Camp for knitters. The tortures are cruel for us crocheters. They make us knit. I am lucky I learned a year after I learned to crochet. The others are not so lucky. Every time we drop a stitch, the Needle-heads make them wear the itchi-est knitted wool hats and sit underneath bright, hot lights. If we are caught try-ing to speak to each other, they gag us with balls of

Craftsmart yarn. If we even look at our needles sadly, wishing for a hook, they subject us to the worst torture of all: projects with double-pointed needles and no instruction. You’ve all heard con-flicting stories about how the war started. That’s why I was asked to write this firsthand account – I was there. This is what re-ally happened. The war broke out shortly after a Crochet Me blogger interviewed screenwriter Joss Whe-don. “It’s an age-old war. Like

the werewolves and the vampires. I think ‘Under-world’ was actually origi-nally about crocheters and knitters but they thought it would be too controversial so they changed it to vam-pires and werewolves,” Whedon said. After seeing the inter-view, a knitter and a cro-cheter fought over wheth-er Whedon prefers knit or crochet products, which quickly turned into a fight over the accuracy of their Jayne Cobb hats. The knitter drew blood with his needles, and the crocheter gouged out an

eye with her hook. The hats were lost. Of course, Whedon was right that the war is older than us – but now it’s out in the open. We crocheters formu-lated our strategy, while the knitters began printing propaganda labeling us “Hookers.” Their methods are cru-el. I know the crocheters would never inflict such torture on our own POWs. I can only hope the war is nearing its end. The yarn bombing must be having an adverse ef-fect on the environment.

The last time we were al-lowed to see daylight, it was at a battlefield strewn with crocheted and knitted graffiti. I have heard that a new army, the Knookers, has been forming. Their craft-ers have a crochet hook that is sharp on the other end, like a knitting needle. Whose side are they on? I can’t imagine anything worse than the Needle-heads themselves. If nothing else, we are suffering in the April F. Ool Camp. We are in dire need of a rescue opera-tion.

Hookers and Needle-heads exchange barbs in ongoing war

Currently, student ath-letes and those partici-pating in other extracur-ricular activities are the only ones who are forced to undergo random drug testing in high schools and colleges across the

U.S. Random drug test-ing should be allowed and even encouraged in school, not just among student athletes. Schools have every reason to protect their students, and students should not be carrying drugs to be-gin with – especially to school. It’s a waste of time for other students and the instructors if a student is abusing drugs and not tak-ing education seriously. Random drug testing would help decrease drug abuse and help students who use drugs make bet-ter decisions, which could help lead to a better adult-hood.

According to Upfront by The New York Times, “Random testing in schools provides students with a clear disincentive to do drugs, since stu-dents never know when they might be tested. For students who don’t really want to do drugs but feel pressured to try them, random testing gives them an iron-clad excuse for saying no.” Peer pressure is a big part of drug use in schools. Students with friends who do drugs are likely to participate in il-licit drug use with their friends. A study from Moni-toring the Future Survey showed that at least 30

percent of eighth graders have tried an illegal drug. A survey reported by U.S. News & World Re-port estimated that in 2012, about 17 percent of teenagers abused drugs during the school day, ap-proximately 2.8 million nationwide. College students are more likely to abuse pre-scription drugs like Ad-derall, Valium or Vicodin rather than marijuana. In fact, the University of Wisconsin determined one in four college stu-dents have tried prescrip-tion pills that do not be-long to them. It’s no wonder why some high schools are pushing for the random

drugs tests. Two high schools in Northwest Indiana plan to push their random drug test policy to include drug abuse programs or reha-bilitation services for stu-dents who test positive on drug tests. If schools are going to pursue drug testing on their campuses, the stu-dents who come up posi-tive should not be forced to give up their educa-tion. Instead, they should be given the option of com-pleting some kind of drug abuse program to become clean. If the student re-fuses or fails the program multiple times, then they should not be allowed to

return to that particular school. Random drug testing would help defer students from trying drugs, some-thing they should not be doing to begin with. It will help with the peer pressure to try heroine or abuse prescription drugs if the students know they could be pulled randomly to be drug tested. Students should not be carrying or using drugs to being with; it’s illegal. Random drug testing is not meant for school officials to single out the drug users. It is meant to protect the students who do not use drugs and who should not have to be ex-posed to drug abuse.

Random drug testing should be encouraged in schools

The rise in popularity of zombies from a cult classic following to a multi-mil-lion dollar industry may not be a coincidence. Our government is tak-ing action, and we are be-

ing swarmed with living dead products and infor-mation. Zombies are com-ing. While society is being acclimated through popu-lar media to the potentials of a future pandemic, the government is preparing for the inevitable. Last October, the gov-ernment participated in a large-scale emergency re-sponse exercise conducted by San Diego based Halo Corporation. The training for military personnel and local emer-gency responders utilized zombies as an opposition force and the newly in-fected as practice for pan-

demic victims. They claim it is to en-courage outside-the-box thinking – I’m not con-vinced. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have been promoting gen-eral preparedness by uti-lizing a zombie campaign since 2011. The CDC stated that they wanted to target a younger audience and wanted to make their next campaign more entertaining…or so they reported. Recently, the Depart-ment of Homeland Secu-rity purchased 1.6 billion rounds of ammunition and more than 2,000 armored

tactical assault MRAP ve-hicles for use in the U.S. That doesn’t sound like a “just in case” contingency. The government prepa-ration brings enough con-cern on its own. The fact that zombie-like viruses, parasites and insects al-ready exist should make this a paranoia-inducing conspiracy. There are fungi that can control ants. Mice have a brain parasite that makes them suicidal. Certain wasps can control a host insect by inducing a zom-bie-like state. The currently declining honeybee population may be caused by a zombie-

inducing parasite that has already jumped species from wasps. These are just a few of the real things that can cause the zombie apoca-lypse. As warned by National Geographic, the merger of human-affecting viruses, such as influenza and ra-bies, can make a distinctly zombie-like state. The formula is already in nature and coming to a person near you. However improbable the merger of multiple viruses may sound, it’s happened be-fore, as evidenced by the H1N1 virus. There is even specu-

lation that the merger of swine, bird and human in-fluenza to make the H1N1 strain was only possible in a top-tier laboratory. Surely the government knows something that we do not. The shift toward zombies in media may be an indication that human-ity collectively senses the coming pandemic. The zombie apocalypse may not happen exactly as we expect, but it will abso-lutely happen. Remember: If you are prepared for zombies, you are prepared for anything. Look at the evidence and judge for yourself. You have been warned.

Coming zombie attack, government cover-up no laughing matter

Taylor Eatonteaton2@uccs.edu

Shelby Shivelysshively@uccs.edu

Something on your mind?

Email the editor atscribe@uccs.edu

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Nick Burnsnburns@uccs.edu

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Life on the Bluffs April 1, 2013 Page 10

Campus ChatterAaron Collett, acollett@uccs.edu, photos by Josh Camacho

This week at

UCCSTuesday, April 2 Wednesday, April 3 Thursday, April 4 Friday, April 5 Saturday, April 6

Bike for BagelsUniversity Center Lower Plaza7:30 a.m.

RADDPS Training Room6:30 p.m.

SGA SenateUniversity Center, Room 3038:30 a.m.

SGA HouseUniversity Center, Room 3039:30 a.m.

Black Student Union Club NightClyde’s6 p.m.

UCCS Softball vs. RegisMountain Lion FieldNoon

Final Four Viewing PartyClyde’s6 p.m.

Top Tenby Shelby Shively, sshively@uccs.edu-

Switch bags of cereal with different boxes.

Hard boil all of your roommate’s eggs and put them back in the fridge.

Replace all the flyers on the bulletin boards with lolcats.

Place an ad on Craigslist for your friend’s car.

Put Icy Hot on the toilet seat.

Replace lotion with Boudreaux’s Butt Paste.

Fill your roommate’s umbrella with confetti.

Use traffic cones and caution tape to block off the first row of Lot 4.

Change settings to Pirate Mode for any-one who leaves Facebook open.

Go to the parking lot, get in your car and turn it on. Let a line form. Get out and go to class.

10987654321

Pranks

Billy Rempelos, sophomore, sports management

What’s the best prank you’ve ever done or heard about?I’ve always been more into prank-ing than fooling. In high school, we took our principal’s truck and just Saran wrapped the entire thing. It was that industrial packing Saran Wrap, and you just couldn’t even see the truck. He got us back by try-ing to enforce a dress code on us. That didn’t really happen.

Samantha Tracy, freshman, bio-chemistry

What’s the best prank you’ve ever done or heard about?So, when we were in fifth grade, Kayla and our friend Abby brought to school a bunch of Oreos for ev-eryone to have a snack, and they put toothpaste in the middle of them instead of frosting. It was funny! I actually really liked that one.

Tim Henderson, sophomore, game design

What’s the best prank you’ve ever done or heard about?This was originally told to me by my high school counselor. This hap-pened at my high school. The stu-dents decided that they wanted the day off school. So, all of the boys in the entire senior class at a spe-cific time went to the bathroom and flushed the toilet at the same time. Massive flooding occurred – school was canceled.

Sudoku Bring your completed sudoku to The Scribe Office (UC 106) for a prize! Last week’s sudoku answers can be found at uccsscribe.com.

April Fools

Comic by Steven Fenczik, sfenczik@uccs.edu

There are more than 20 million students in America, and more than 10,000 of them are at UCCS. Their opinions matter.

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Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/~jdhildeb/software/sudokugen/ on Wed Mar 20 15:11:37 2013 GMT. Enjoy!

Yoga for Mindfulness and Stress ReductionUniversity Center, Room 309Noon

Running ClubClyde’s6 p.m.

Annual Health FairBerger Hall11 a.m.

Café ‘65 Acoustic ArtistCafé 65Noon

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SportsApril 1, 2013 Page 11

Professional athletes are oftentimes deemed heroes. They are successful in obtaining a dream and re-garded as worthy of being looked up to. But what happens when these very public figures stray off track? The first, and perhaps closest to home for Colora-dans, is Colorado Rockies first baseman Todd Helton. Helton has five All-Star appearances, four Silver Slugger awards and three Gold Gloves. Since Febru-ary, he is also the not-so-

proud owner of a DUI. Helton has been with the Rockies since he came up into the major leagues, has done much for the orga-nization and comes off as an all-around good family guy. When he did fall, he quickly apologized for it. “The old saying is that anything that happens af-ter midnight is not good,” Helton stated at the start of spring training. “I can attest that that’s true. One time is too many of making that mistake, and I apologize for it.” Next, consider Lance Armstrong. Armstrong became a pro-fessional triathlete at age 16, won the Tour de France a record seven times and is a philanthropist. After facing doping al-legations two times, and winning the first bout, $75 million in lost sponsorship contracts wasn’t enough for him to come clean. Neither was the lifetime ban from the sport or having to walk

away from his Livestrong foundation. Now, after years of deny-ing the charges, Armstrong has admitted to using performance-enhancing drugs. “I saw my son defending me and saying, ‘That’s not true. What you’re saying about my dad is not true,’” Armstrong said in an ap-

pearance on Oprah Jan. 14. “That’s when I knew I had to tell him.” Finally, there is Oscar Pistorius. Pistorius, a world-champion sprinter, was the first athlete to compete in the Olympic Games using prosthetics Recently making bail, Pistorius awaits a June

court date to defend him-self against the allegation of murdering his girl-friend. Life in prison remains a possibility, as prosecutors are currently seeking a pre-meditated murder charge. Although he has not yet been found guilty, the sul-lying of his name has al-ready begun.

Similar stories like that of Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant arise when think-ing about professional athletes who have taken a very public fall from their pedestals. Still, it seems that if giv-en enough time, the court of public appeal has a wan-ing memory and there is a degree of forgiveness. The bottom line is that these athletes are being paid to do a job: play a sport and play it well. Even drug users like Armstrong and Barry Bonds can be forgiven if they eventually come clean. When it comes to be-ing held accountable, they should be honest and take ownership of their wrong-doings. But it would be very sil-ly of the public to forever condemn these individuals for their mistakes – even if they should recommit them. And why not? Let them have their own standards.

Fallen athletes free to set own standards, however low

Donna Orender, for-mer Women’s National Basketball Association (WNBA) president and CEO of Orender Unlim-ited, will speak at UCCS April 15-16. The event is hosted by the PGA Golf Manage-ment Program and the Daniels Fund Ethics Ini-tiative. “The Daniels Fund Eth-ics Initiative has a robust grants program to seek out partners in our endeavor to spread Ethics Principles within all the disciplines within the College of Busi-ness and beyond,” said Elisabeth Moore, program coordinator of the Ethics Initiative.

Orender spent six years as WNBA president, dur-ing which time she over-saw all league aspects, both business and com-petitive. Earlier in her life, she spent 17 years at the PGA Tour, reaching the position of senior vice president of strategic development. Prior to her business career, she played in the Women’s Professional Basketball League. She was further recognized as one of the Top 10 Most Powerful Women in Sports. College of Business students must register for this event, but it is free for everyone to attend. The theme of her presentation is ethical leadership. “Donna Orender is com-

ing to share her great ex-periences in the business, golf and sports worlds. She has been very successful and she will educate our students on ethical leader-ship and professionalism,” said Mollie Sutherland, director of the PGA Golf Management Program at UCCS, via email. “Ms. Orender is a dy-namic speaker that engag-es the audience and moti-vates the listeners to take action,” Sutherland added. Orender’s company, Orender Unlimited, is a consulting firm that fo-cuses on sales, marketing, media, digital and diver-sity strategies. She works for a num-ber of initiatives and in the corporate and sports world. She especially fo-

cuses on the growing seg-ment of women in the golf industry. “She excels at educat-ing others how to reach customers, grow the game of golf and operate profes-sionally in the golf indus-try,” Sutherland said.

Former WNBA president to speak at Dwire, Berger HallCrystal Chilcottcchilcot@uccs.edu

The LowdownWhat:

Donna Orender

When:April 15, 5-6:30 p.m.

April 16, 11:30 a.m. to 1 p.m.

Where:April 15 at Dwire Hall

AtriumApril 16 at Berger Hall

How much:Free

Photo courtesy of PGA Golf ManagementDonna Orender, former WNBA president, will speak at UCCS April 15-16.

Dezarae Yoderdyoder@uccs.edu

Photo by Jim ThurstonOscar Pistorius is facing life in prison after allegedly murdering his girlfriend.

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