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Just Jack

by

Sue J Schilperoort

[email protected]

Just Jack Sue Schilperoort

CHARACTERS in order of appearance

Mark slightly surly 15-year-old schoolboy

Young Lisa very vivacious 15-year-old schoolgirl

Young Jack young trendy Drama teacher, 23

Old Lisa 58 and motherly

Jen Jack and Lisa’s daughter, late 30s

Rob Jen’s husband

Matt Jack and Lisa’s son, late 30s

Liz Matt’s wife

Old Jack 66 but seeming younger and still an attractive man

Mrs Carr Jack’s Headmistress

There is a lot of room for double-casting: Young Lisa and Young Jack can easily step into Jen and Matt. Liz can double as Mrs Carr, Mark as Rob.

SCENE 1 takes place in the UK in 1970. The rest of the play is set in British suburbia, 2013.


Act I

SCENE 1

EARLY 1970s. IN A SCHOOL HALL T REX HOT LOVE PLAYS OVER A PLAY REHEARSAL. JACK (YOUNG AND ATTRACTIVE TRENDY TEACHER) DIRECTS LISA AND MARK (STUDENTS) IN THE BALCONY SCENE FROM ROMEO AND JULIET. LISA STANDS ON A DESK AS A MAKESHIFT BALCONY. WE CAN’T HEAR THEIR VOICES OVER THE MUSIC BUT IT’S CLEAR MARK LACKS ENERGY IN THE PERFORMANCE WHILE LISA IS TRYING HER BEST. JACK GESTICULATES THEY NEED TO PUT MORE INTO THE PIECE. MUSIC FADES AND WE PICK UP THE DIALOGUE. (THE USE OF THE SLASH / DENOTES WHERE ONE CHARACTER’S DIALOGUE OVER-RUNS ANOTHER’S)

MARK (AWKWARD AND EMBARRASSED) O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?LISA (FLIRTATIOUS) What satisfaction canst thou have tonight? MARK The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine.LISA I gave thee mine before thou didst request it:

And yet...I would it were to give again.JACK Right! Right. Let’s stop there a minute. (STRUGGLING) Just sit down for a

bit. Mark, give her a hand down. LISA Yes, help the lovely lady in distress, Romeo!MARK Piss off! (SHE GETS DOWN UNAIDED AND THE TWO LEAN ON DESKS,

SOME DISTANCE APART)JACK (EXASPERATED) Yeah...okay. It’s coming together – slowly. LISA Sorry. (MARK IS TOTALLY UNENGAGED)JACK I don’t know what’s up, but it’s not doing it for you Mark, is it. Look, we

need to crack this tonight, guys! (MARK LOOKS SHEEPISH) Okay, tell you what - let’s try the same thing again, but with you down here on the floor, Lisa. Okay? (MARK SIGHS, THOROUGHLY FED UP)

LISA Okay.JACK So let’s start with the end of the scene, and see if that inspires you

budding thespians any better. Right! Let’s go from...Lisa, you start with, 'Tis almost morning; I would have thee gone, and let’s try it with the music this time. Come on – up on your feet. (WATCHING THEM DRAG THEMSELVES UP) And can we please have some energy, people!

LISA We’re knackered, Sir!JACK Tough! Right - so let’s start with you apart. Just put some distance

between you first off – Lisa, you over there, and Mark here. Then at the end of the scene, what do you do?

LISA Gaze into each other’s eyes...Jack And move slowly in as the music starts - okay? So are we ready?


LISA Yep.JACK As if in a dream, we said, because this is counter to the script.LISA Is that actually allowed?JACK What?LISA Going ‘counter to the script’.JACK It’s experimental, little Miss Wannabe Director! ‘Ex-per-i-mental’!LISA Mental, more like!JACK Okay. Right!LISA (BUBBLY AND OVER-ENTHUSIASTIC) Right!MARK (BORED) Right.JACK Then without putting your arms around him, Juliet, you just lay your head

gently on his shoulder, and when it feels right you both move to the music – not some mega smoochy bit, just a soft, tender movement –okay? Make it almost imperceptible first off. So – we ready, or what? (SETTING TAPE PLAYER)

LISA Ready.JACK Mark?MARK Yeah, fine.JACK So move, then! Come on – off your arses! (LISA JUMPS UP) And energy

this time, please. I want to see it done like your life depended on this one scene.

LISA You mean, don’t die on stage!JACK Come on, let’s go! Mark?

(MARK DRAGS HIMSELF OFF THE DESK AND GETS IN POSITION, PASSIVE)

LISA 'Tis almost morning; I would have thee gone:JACK Good!LISA And yet no further than a wanton's bird;

Who lets it hop a little from her hand,Like a poor prisoner in his twisted gyves,And with a silk thread plucks it back again,So loving-jealous of his liberty.

JACK Much better! MARK I would I were thy bird.JACK Give it more, Mark!LISA Sweet, so would I:

Yet I should kill thee with much cherishing.Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow,That I shall say good night till it be morrow.

JACK Great! Turn your back, Lisa. This is where you exit in the text, but just turn your back. And when the music starts, slowly turn back, like this is a dream sequence. Okay? (SHE DOES AS HE SAYS AND IT SEEMS OKAY) Good so far. Carry on.


MARK Sleep dwell upon thine eyes,JACK Good, Mark - come on! MARK Peace in thy breast!

Would I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest!Hence will I to my ghostly father's cell,His help to crave, and my dear hap to tell.(JACK TURNS ON A DODGY 1970s TAPE PLAYER. TO THE START OF ROBERTA FLACK’S WILL YOU STILL LOVE ME TOMORROW AFTER SOME TIME LISA TURNS AND SLOWLY MOVES TOWARDS MARK. AT FIRST HER EYES ARE ON THE FLOOR BUT THEN SHE RAISES THEM AND TRIES TO GAZE INTO MARK’S EYES. SOON AFTER THEIR EYES MEET SHE COLLAPSES IN FITS OF GIGGLES)

MARK Oh, for fucksake!JACK (STOPPING MUSIC) Okay, come on, come on! It’s not easy, I know.

(SIGHING, EXASPERATED) Okay! Hang on. MARK How am I meant to do this when she’s always / pissing around!JACK Lisa, just give him a break – okay? LISA Sorry Sir. (SHE’S SO NOT) JACK Look, I’m trying to really push this scene – it’s got potential to be amazing

but, for whatever reason, you two tonight are... Okay, well let’s try something first – eh? Let’s just try an exercise here. And Lisa, just pull yourself together. We’re short of time here - it’s quarter past five already, so let’s shape up. Please!

LISA Sorry Sir. (SHE SEEMS TO BE) JACK Okay, right. Tell you what, let’s get you back to back. Come on. (THEY DO)

Right! I want you to both close your eyes and lean in. Rest on each other. (LISA STARTS TO GIGGLE) Lisa, just stop it! I want you to close your eyes and just feel the breath of the other. And Lisa, we really haven’t got time for messing around this time, okay?

LISA Sorry Sir. (SHE SEEMS TO BE)JACK Okay. (CIRCLES THEM, SPEAKING SOFTLY) So...just relax into the other

person’s rhythm, and feel that breath as if it’s your own. Just breathe with each other. (LISA STARTS GIGGLING AND IT TURNS INTO HYSTERICS)

MARK (DESPERATE) Oh Sir!JACK Oh, for godsake! The whole thing's like pulling bloody teeth with you two

tonight! LISA (STILL GIGGLING) I’m really sorry. I just can’t...(STRUGGLES TO PULL

HERSELF TOGETHER)JACK Okay, so what's going on? (WAITS BUT THEY BOTH LOOK SHEEPISH)

Lisa? (WAITS) I’m waiting.LISA Sorry.MARK Sorry.JACK No, I don’t want ‘sorry’! What’s going on with you two? (WAITS) Eh?


LISA I just… I just feel… I don't know, it’s just really hard tonight, that’s all.JACK What’s hard, for godsake? (WAITS) You’ve done this a million times! And

we’ve got the tech tomorrow, then the dress, and then it’s... (SIGHS) And Mark – what have you got to say for yourself? You’re just letting madam here do all the talking, so what’s going on? Eh? (WAITS) I tell you, watching you tonight is about as exciting as watching sweat drip!

LISA (REVULSED) Ugh!JACK So what’s going on, then?MARK It’s hard - like she said.JACK Well, let me tell you - it’ll be a damn sight harder next week when you've

got half the bloody school and their parents and the Head and governors and god knows who out there, trust me! (WALKS IN A CIRCLE, EXASPERATED) Look, you're supposed to be fifteen – you are fifteen, so that shouldn’t be so bloody difficult! And you’re smitten...totally and absolutely besotted with each other...

LISA You mean ‘gagging for it’!JACK If you like, yes, she’s ‘gagging for it’ and so is he. They’re star-struck

lovers, for godsake, not a middle-aged couple chewing over a bloody shopping list! That’s what I mean! (FRUSTRATED) Look, this is one of Shakespeare's greatest scenes, for godsake – if not the greatest! It’s certainly the most well-known - and with good cause! Look, these guys are the same age as you guys! As acting gigs go, this should be a bloody breeze! Come on, guys!

LISA But / it's like there’s…JACK I tell you what it’s like! It’s like watching paint dry on the bloody Taj

Mahal, that’s what it’s like! You know there’s something breath-taking underneath it all somewhere, but you’re totally transfixed by the absolute inanity of the process going on in front of your bloody eyes! (SEARCHING FOR WORDS) Passion, for godsake – is that too much to ask for? The whole thing’s just passion, lust, longing! His groin is bursting for this fabulous young woman – and hers for him, for heaven’s sake! They can’t wait to be at it!

MARK I know, but I've got my Maths mock tomorrow, Sir, / and I..JACK Jesus, Mark! It’s a bloody mock! No, listen to me – we’ve wasted enough

time now. We don’t have another second for buts, and excuses, and bloody Maths mocks. (EXASPERATED) Time really is at a premium now, guys - okay?

LISA Okay.MARK Okay.JACK So what's the score, then? (WAITS) We need to get something out of

tonight, at least. We really do. So do we give this another go, or what? I mean, are we wasting our time here, because if we are I’d rather just pack up and go home – because I do have a home to go to, y’know. (WAITS) Or


do we try and produce the greatest non-sexual seduction scene ever? (WAITS) Eh? (LISA LOOKS TO MARK FOR AN ANSWER) Tell me: are we up for this or what? Or do we all just go home right now and get on with some differential calculus?

MARK (UNDER BREATH) Piss off!LISA (CHIRPY) I’m up for it.JACK So it’s down to you, Mark - do we call it a day...in which case we’d need to

fit something in tomorrow break-time / or...LISA I can’t do breaktime, / sorry.JACK Why not this time?LISA I’ve got Junior Drama Club. / Sorry. JACK Give me strength!LISA I’m / really sorry, but I’m running it tomorrow, and we’re doing farce,

and... JACK You could just have invited them along tonight - they’d have a textbook

example! Okay, so it seems it’s down to you, Mark.LISA (TO MARK, GETTING ONTO HER FEET) Come on, let's just get on with it. MARK If I don't get the next bus, I don't get my connection and then I don't get

nothing done tonight!JACK God help us!LISA Look, Sir’s right – we’re gonna look right mugs in front of all that lot, come

next week! MARK It’s alright for you / but...LISA (SWEETLY) Oh, come on, Mark – half an hour! Ple-ase!

(MARK SHUFFLES HIS FEET, KEEN TO LEAVE)JACK Look, are you still up for this whole thing, Mark? MARK What d’you mean, the ‘whole thing’? JACK I / mean...MARK (ANGRY) D’you mean the play!JACK I do, / actually.MARK Oh, what! Come on, man!JACK There's an understudy in the wings if you’re not / up for it.MARK Look, /it’s just...JACK (OVER HIM) Shakespeare takes balls, okay...MARK I know it / takes balls, for f....JACK ...and there’s Rick on the blocks raring to get his teeth into this...MARK Ah, man!JACK ...and I can get him in tomorrow if / you’ve got cold feet...MARK No way!JACK Well / then…MARK Look, I'll be fine when I've done this exam - okay? It's just… I've got my

offer and if I miss a grade I’m screwed, right!


JACK It’s a bloody mock, Mark! (MARK THUMPS THE DESK) Okay! Okay. Look, I hear what you're saying, okay? (TRYING TO PLACATE) But you need to understand...Lisa’s got this audition coming up as well as this next week, so she really needs to get on top of this one. Today would be nice!

MARK You said!JACK So we all need a result.MARK I know, and...JACK And if I’m totally honest, you didn't bring anything into the space

tonight, / did you.MARK (PICKING UP HIS BAG) So you fucking well do it! (STORMS OUT. JACK

CALLS AFTER HIM) JACK Mark!LISA What a prat!JACK Jesus! (THEY SIT TOGETHER, STILL FOR A MOMENT)LISA Why’s he always like this!JACK Okay, so what’s going on, then? Come on - spill it, because there’s

something up for sure.LISA (SIGHS) He’s been like this all week, the prat.JACK Maths.LISA No, it’s not Maths. Not really.JACK (SITTING BESIDE HER) So what’s going on then? Because this is starting

to get me down now, if I’m honest.LISA It’s him you need to ask.JACK I’m asking you. He’s not here, in case you hadn’t noticed.LISA (HESITATING) Yeah, / but...JACK Look, this whole play’s in jeopardy if he doesn’t pull his finger out.LISA I know, / and...JACK So whatever’s going on...LISA (RELUCTANT) It’s just...(SIGHS)JACK Listen, I’ve got a lot riding on this, too. It’s not all about you.LISA (STROPPY) I know it’s not all about me!JACK (IMMEDIATELY REGRETTING SAYING IT) Sorry – that wasn’t what...I

shouldn’t have... What I mean is...it’s just – I need to show I can direct something...more than just a bloody nativity! (SHE LISTENS ATTENTIVELY. HE CONSIDERS BEFORE CONTINUING) Look, I need to...I want to show I can do this really well, Lisa - not just get bodies up there on stage, but really bring the piece alive. That’s why I’m demanding so much of you two in particular. You’re really good – you’re one of the best Juliets I’ve seen. Honest! (HE WAITS FOR HER TO SPEAK)

LISA Thanks.JACK And that’s saying something – I’ve seen this piece a dozen times.LISA Wow!


JACK I know it inside out - but I need Mark on side. And so do you. You can’t do this without a bloody Romeo, for godsake...

LISA I know.JACK ...and he was like a pillar of bloody salt tonight! LISA I know, yeah. Sorry.JACK So I need to know what’s going on.LISA (SIGHING) It’s just....it’s just, he said something to one of my friends, and...JACK Said what?LISA Just ‘stuff’.JACK Anything I should know?LISA Not really. (PAUSE) I don’t know. (PAUSE) Maybe.JACK The bottom line is, will it help me sort out this bloody shambles of a

rehearsal? That’s all I’m asking. (WAITS) So will it?LISA He told my friend he really ‘likes’ me, that’s all.JACK Right...?LISA And she told me.JACK Well, that’s no surprise to anyone, I shouldn’t think.LISA Yeah, but he knows she did, because one of my other friends was there

and she told him what I said.JACK Which was?LISA I’m not interested.JACK Right.LISA So he’s...JACK Pissed off.LISA (SMILING) A bit.JACK Course he is. LISA Mm.JACK Who wouldn’t be! Well, that explains tonight, anyway.LISA Yeah. Sorry.JACK Just helps to know, that’s all. It’s not your fault.LISA (AFTER A MOMENT) Not the best play to be doing, I s’pose.JACK Not under the circumstances maybe, no. But since it’s the only one we’ve

got...LISA Be easier if I did fancy him! JACK (TEASING) Well, he’s a good –looking guy. You could try – for the sake of

the play, I mean!LISA (JOKING) Okay, you have him if he’s that good-looking!JACK Not my type, sorry. Anyway, you two’d have beautiful babies / together!LISA (LAUGHING, FLIRTATIOUS) Get lost! (QUICKLY) Sorry Sir!JACK Hey, come on – you know what goes on in the rehearsal room stays in the

rehearsal room. Right? Unspoken rule. (SHE RELAXES) But I wosh I’d known the poor guy’s suffering unrequited love.

LISA ‘Unrequited’?


JACK Not returned in kind. LISA Right.JACK Quite cruel even, sometimes.LISA Huh?JACK Sorry – daft play on words. Anyway, is it ‘unrequited’ because...there’s

some boyfriend ‘lurking in the wings’ for this brilliant and sexy Juliet?LISA Mm...no, not really. JACK But somebody you like.LISA (SHRUGS, COY) S’pose so, yeah. / But...JACK I’m not fishing, Lisa! I’m just asking because...well, maybe we can bring

that scene alive if you think about the boy in the wings, that’s all I’m saying...if you imagine being with this guy who / ‘shall remain nameless’.

LISA Jesus, that would be so wrong in so many ways!JACK Why’s that?LISA (AWKWARD) No, just...nothing! Can we just get on with this? I’ve got

French homework.JACK Sorry. Okay - so what do we do, then? Try it out, or pack up? Your call.LISA What can we do without bloody Romeo?JACK I can do his lines.LISA What...can you act?JACK Well, there’s one way of finding out! (GETTING ON HIS FEET) Come on -

up! (HE TAKES HER HAND AND LEADS HER TO WHERE HE WANTS HER TO STAND) Right - there! ‘X’ marks the spot, okay?

LISA Okay.JACK So let’s start with that bit you just spectacularly screwed up, and see if we

can do any better this time round.LISA Sorry about that.JACK (GRINNING) And Lisa? LISA Yeah?JACK Stop apologising!LISA Okay, sorry. Oh, sorry! (LAUGHS)JACK It’s like you’ve got apologetic bloody hiccups, Lis! Come on, on your feet!

Let’s try that exercise you two so convincingly ballsed up. LISA Sorry – I mean, okay.JACK So we start back to back, right? So turn around. (SHE DOES, AND THEY

STAND BACK-TO-BACK) And the point is to try and get tuned in to each other. Right?

LISA Right.JACK And you can’t rush it. Just go with comes up. Once you feel we’re really in

each other’s presence, as it were, just you go with your lines. Okay?LISA That’s gonna be one weird scene!


JACK It’s not a scene! We’re won’t do it like that. It’s just an exercise to see what comes out of it. If we try it first off without all that embarrassing shit of gazing into each other’s eyes, then...

LISA So what? So we’ll do it different when it goes on stage?JACK Of course. It’s just an exercise to try to find something you can bring to the

performance – when we put you back up on the balcony for real. LISA Ah, okay. Got it!JACK And don’t be afraid to go with whatever comes out of it, okay? Because

that’s the whole point - this is supposed to be about accessing something really ‘true’ to put on stage later. I want to see what you’re really capable of, Lisa.

LISA Right.JACK You’re looking for the performance of your life, young lady!LISA Okay, I get it. Let’s go!JACK Terrific. Then just take time to still yourself first, back to back with me –

come on. And breathe! Are you okay off script?LISA I know my lines, yeah.JACK Great! So put your script down, and back to back, and just...(VERY

SOFTLY) close your eyes, deep breaths, and try to match my breathing. See yourself with whoever this ‘Heathcliff’ of yours is, / and....

LISA (GIGGLING) That’s not his name!JACK Oi! Stop it! Concentrate. LISA Sorry.JACK Right. Focus. (THEY TAKE TIME TO TUNE IN TO EACH OTHER.

EVENTUALLY THEY BREATHE AS ONE. WHEN LISA SPEAKS IT’S WITH A RARE QUALITY OF INTIMACY. JACK MATCHES IT. THE SCENE IS BREATH-TAKING IN ITS INTENSITY)

LISA 'Tis almost morning; (PAUSE) I would have thee gone,And yet...no further than a wanton's birdWho lets it hop a little from her hand,Like a poor prisoner in his twisted gyves,And with a silk thread plucks it back again,So loving-jealous of his liberty. (HER HAND TAKES HIS, FINGERS ENTWINING)

JACK I would I were thy bird.LISA Huh - sweet, so would I!

Yet I should kill thee with much cherishing.Good night, good night! (THEY SLOWLY TURN FACE TO FACE, GAZING INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES)Parting is such sweet sorrow,That I shall say good night, good night, good night, good night, good night... till it be morrow.


JACK Sleep dwell upon thine eyes,(HIS HAND AROUND HER WAIST, HERS STROKES HIS FACE)Peace in thy breast!Would I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest!Hence will I to my ghostly father's cell,His help to crave, and my dear hap to tell.(THE ROBERTA FLACK PLAYS AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME THROUGH A PROPER SOUND SYSTEM. THEY MOVE TO THE MUSIC, EYE TO EYE. EVENTUALLY THEY KISS. IT BECOMES PASSIONATE. SNAP TO BLACKOUT AND A MOMENT’S SILENCE BEFORE ALICE COOPER’S ‘SCHOOL’S OUT’ BLASTS OVER SET CHANGE, STARTING AT 2’20)

SCENE 2.

2013. THE MODEST DINING ROOM IN A SUBURBAN HOUSE . LISA IS NOW FIFTY-EIGHT AND NOT IDENTIFIABLY THE SAME PERSON AS THE GIRL IN SCENE ONE. SHE SITS AT THE TABLE DOING A SEATING PLAN FOR A PARTY WHILE JEN MAKES PLACE CARDS. A BLIND AUDITION ROUND OF ‘THE VOICE UK’ IS QUIETLY ON A SMALL TV.

LISA Pass that pen, love. This one’s run out. JEN You nearly there?LISA (TAKING PEN) Thanks. Nearly, yes. I should have done this ages ago.JEN It’s the kind of thing you keep putting off, though. Seating plans are a

notoriously a bloody nightmare. LISA Tell me!JEN Did you get anything back from that woman retired from the office last

year? What was her name?LISA Stella, d’you mean?JEN Yeah. Did she get back to you?LISA No. I meant to give her a call and forgot. She’ll be really sad she missed it.JEN What about Brian? LISA Climbing some mountain somewhere. JEN That’s a shame. They go way back.LISA He had this planned ages ago, though. The Alps, I think it was.JEN We should have got the invites out earlier, you know. LISA Well, if your dad had said yes in the first place...JEN You know Dad – he hates these things...all the small talk, / and..LISA It’s not small talk when it’s people you know. It’s different. Anyway,

there’ll be plenty to catch up on. He hasn’t seen some of these people for absolute years. There’ll be no stopping him when he gets started.

JEN So what’s the total now, then?LISA Sixty-three – was it four? (CALCULATES QUICKLY) Sixty-three.


JEN Great.LISA D’you remember what Tony Bradshaw’s wife’s was called? JEN ‘Lady Muck’ I seem to recall.LISA Her name!JEN I know! Wasn’t it Jayne or something?LISA No, that was his daughter.

(ROB ENTERS, CARRYING A CASK OF BEER)ROB Where d’you want these beers, then?LISA Oh, thanks Rob. Is there room in the garage?ROB Should be. I’ll shout if there’s not. LISA Thanks.JEN Oh, Rob?ROB Yeah?JEN Can you remember what Tom Bradshaw’s wife was called? You met them

last year, didn’t you – down the club?ROB Lady Muck, I thought.JEN (LAUGHING) I said that!LISA Her name, Rob!ROB Wasn’t it Jayne?BOTH That was their daughter.ROB Oh, right. (THINKING) Sheila, was it?LISA No, it’s not Sheila. (REMEMBERING) Sheryl! That was it. Great – thanks,

love. (NODDING TO THE TV) Oh, can you turn that off while you’re there. I can’t concentrate here. (HE DOES)

ROB What you girls up to, then?LISA The seating plan.ROB Rather you than me.LISA Jen’s doing the place settings for the tables.JEN It’ll be funny having some of his old kids there, y’know.ROB Last people I’d turn out for’s my old teachers, I tell you!JEN Says something about my Dad, then, doesn’t it.ROB He’s a star, your dad.LISA Some of these go way back - he’ll be tickled pink, he will. The kids meant

the world to your dad. JEN He’s gonna miss it, isn’t he.LISA I’ll say.ROB (TO LISA) Anyway, you feeling better now, Mum?LISA Oh, I’m fine, yes. Just needed to sit down , that’s all.JEN She’s been doing too much again.LISA I haven’t! I’m absolutely fine.JEN We’ll let the hospital decide that – (POINTEDLY) won’t we!LISA I’m fine! There’s nothing wrong with me. Lot of fuss about nothing, the

whole thing.


JEN Until we know any better, you’ll take it easy.ROB Okay – see you in a bit, then. I need to get all this booze in before it’s

nicked! (TURNING TO GO)JEN Yeah – thanks, hun. ROB No worries.LISA Thanks for doing all that, Rob. (HE EXITS)ROB Pleasure.JEN D’you reckon he’ll even remember them, these kids?LISA I’ve said to bring photos. I’ve got a board up – a lot have sent some

already, so we’ll get those up as soon as we’re down there, in a bit. Tell you what, some of these go way back.

JEN I can’t believe he stuck it all those years.LISA Forty-three all told. Four schoolsROB That’s amazing.JEN He must be a right masochist.LISA But it was different back then. They had a much freer hand. You’re right,

though - I don’t know how he stuck it with all the changes they kept bringing in all the time. Like they’ve got ants in their pants, those bloody politicians – can’t stick at anything, they can’t. And that damned Ofsted. It’s amazing anybody stayed in teaching with that lot in charge, I tell you.

JEN Put me off, for sure.LISA But there you go – stick it out he did.JEN Yeah, well that’s Dad for you.LISA (PUSHING THE TABLE PLAN ASIDE) Right! That’s that done. Just needs

printing out now. So...what’s next, then? JEN Did you sort out where the Head’s going?LISA With the cleaners.JEN O-kay?LISA It’s time that snotty cow mixed got a taste of straight-talking!JEN ‘Snotty cow’?LISA Can’t stand the woman, but...JEN (CURIOUS) You never said. And that’s not like you.LISA Oh, she’s just had this thing about Dad - she never liked him, from the off.JEN How can you not like Dad?LISA No, I tell a lie in fact. She was all over him when she got there. Bee round

honey, she was. There was even a point when I wondered if she had a thing about him!

JEN No!LISA Then it all changed – just like that. (SNAPS HER FINGERS) Overnight it

was. JEN Why was that?LISA No reason, as far as we could see. It was just...it all started when he went

to see her - a few years back. Everybody thought he should go through


some ‘bar’ or ‘gate’ or whatever you call it these days, on the salary scale. Everybody - his appraiser, head of department, everybody. And okay, it wasn’t worth much, but it was better than a kick in the teeth, in any case – which is what your dad ended up with.

JEN Really?LISA But it was more the principle of the thing for your dad. And it would’ve

been peanuts for her, the cow – well, not even her, really...it’s not like it was out of her pocket, was it! It would have made a real difference to his pension, though. Absolutely no sense there wasn’t. Just vindictive.

LISA So why did she do it?JEN Just because she could, Dad said.JEN Yeah, well some people are just like that.LISA That’s her all over. Once she’s got a bee in her bonnet, there’s no shifting

it. JEN Maybe her hands were tied. You never know.LISA Oh, I know alright. She just had a thing about him - he wasn’t flavour of

the month, that’s all. But then everyone else seemed to be... (SIGHS) Oh, let’s forget about that. It’s all water under the bridge now, in any case.

JEN You just have to let some things go, Mum – like it or not.LISA Well, I might – if it was a one-off...if there wasn’t all that nonsense about

that trip on top of it all – d’you remember? That French trip he’s always gone on. And again, absolutely no / rhyme nor reason.

JEN What trip? When?LISA Oh, it was a couple of years back – before he was up for retirement, even.

You remember we said we’d put his birthday off ‘til he got back from France, and then it was suddenly all back on again when ‘madam’ announced out of the blue that ‘Jack’s not going after all’ – d’you remember?

JEN Yeah, I do now you say. But I didn’t / realise...LISA Nonsense, it was! He’s always gone – always! And he knew all the families

out there and everything –I mean, you know what his French is like, Jen...which is why they always want him on it.

JEN No, I know, yeah.LISA And again, she made her mind up and that was that.JEN Well, she sounds like a right bitch to me.LISA Oh, don’t get me started! I don’t call women names, but that one’s a right

cow - like I said. Snotty one, too. (REFLECTS WITH A SIGH) Anyway! Let’s get on with this. She’s one of sixty-odd people tonight, so we can pretend she’s not there. Hopefully she’ll bugger off early.

JEN (PUTTING AWAY HER CARDS) Okay, that’s done. So what’s next, then?LISA I was just checking the list.JEN Finish the paper chains?


LISA Why not! (SHE’S SETTING OUT THE MATERIALS FOR PAPER CHAINS WHEN MATT ENTERS, CARRYING A LOAD OF HELIUM-FILLED BALLOONS) There’s not much more needs doing, then, I don’t think.

MATT Hiya! JEN Hi – oh my god! My brother’s turned into Mary bloody Poppins!LISA (LAUGHING) Oh! Fantastic! MATT (TO JEN) She had an umbrella, if you think back!LISA Nothing like as aerodynamic as that little lot, I wouldn’t have thought! Hi,

love. (HE KISSES HER)MATT Hi Mum. You okay?LISA Fine thanks. How about you? MATT You feeling better?LISA I’m absolutely fine! What’s wrong with everybody today! It was just a

funny turn - alright? You’d think I had one foot in the grave and another on a banana skin the way you lot go on.

MATT ‘The other’.LISA The other what?MATT ‘The other’ foot.LISA What about the other foot?MATT On a banana skin!LISA It’s not!JEN Oh, ignore him.MATT I know! But you said another foot – you’ve only got the two, so it’s the

other foot, isn’t it.LISA Oh, you’re just like your father sometimes.JEN Too bloody true!LISA He can be a right pedant when he wants to be.MATT I only asked if you were okay!LISA And I am, thank you /very much.JEN Yeah, but Rob asked too – and we’re a bit touchy.LISA I am not touchy!MATT Ooh! Touchy!LISA Mind yourself.MATT Okay, sorry I asked. I’ll keep my mouth shut next time.LISA (NODDING TO BALLOONS) How on earth did you get those here?MATT Well, I said I’d bring balloons, didn’t I.LISA I know Matthew, but...MATT Wait ‘til you see Liz – she’s disappeared under the bloody things.

‘Consumed’ she is! The guy in the shop was pissing himself!LISA Please!JEN How’re you gonna get them over there?MATT Walk them over. Won’t take long – fifteen minutes tops. JEN What, through town!


MATT We’ll cut through the park, okay?LISA Watch out - you’ll have all the kids after you! JEN Or the pervs! / Magnet to kids and pervs – that’s my baby brother / for

you!LISA Jenny!MATT You’re sick, you are – d’you know that!JEN Why didn’t you just take them straight down the village hall, for godsake,

rather than turn up here like Carl bloody Fredricksen!MATT Just piss off!LISA Carl who?BOTH Fredricksen!LISA You’ve / lost me now.JEN He was in ‘Up’.LISA What? Can you talk in proper sentences, Jennifer.MATT ‘Up’. The film. LISA You’re as bad as your sister now! I don’t have the faintest idea what on

earth you’re talking about – the pair of you.MATT It was a Pixar film / about a guy...JEN It was Disney, actually!MATT It was Pixar for Disney, I think you’ll find. Using Disney Digital 3-D.JEN In fact, I think you’ll find / it wasn’t for Disney ...LISA I don’t care if it’s won the Oscars fifteen million times over – will you two

please stop squabbling! MATT Okay, but it wasn’t me started it!JEN Listen to yourself!LISA Stop it! The pair of you! JEN Well, tell him /not to...LISA Jennifer, you’re thirty-five years old!MATT Yes – grow up.JEN Oh, listen to you, Mister Maturity!LISA Will you just / stop it! (HEAVILY PREGNANT LIZ ENTERS WITH AN EVEN

BIGGER BUNCH OF BALLOONS)LIZ I can hear you two from the next street! (EVERYONE STOPS) Sorry I’m

late - I was on the phone, checking the kids.LISA No, love – come on in. Lovely balloons!MATT That’s what I said when I first set / eyes on her...JEN Oh please!MATT ...didn’t I, darling.JEN Dear god! Tell me you didn’t. Tell me he didn’t, Liz.LIZ I’m afraid he did.MATT (TO HIS SISTER) See? And she still fell for me! It’s my boyish charm.JEN And you’re still with him!LIZ It was the challenge got me. The old aisle-altar-hymn anachronism.


MATT Oi!JEN Clearly a failed mission.LIZ Abysmally.LISA Just ignore him. JEN At least we know whose son he is!MATT (TO JEN) What’s wrong with you, that you can’t take a joke?JEN People find it / offensive, Matt.LISA Oh take no notice, Jennifer. It’s (JEN JOINS IN THE FAMILIAR PHRASE)

just Matt. You know that.JEN You always say that! Always! Just like it’s ‘just Dad’.MATT So?LISA Yes! Just like ‘It’s just Dad’, actually. JEN Well, stop defending them! LISA Oh, Jenny.JEN Saying it doesn’t make it right, Mum! It’s just offensive.MATT To you and your feminist nutters, / maybe.JEN To most people, actually, / Matt.LIZ So!! (FORCING BONHOMIE) How is everyone, then?LISA Well, nothing ever changes, as you can see.JEN It’s just that whole attitude pisses me off. MATT What, because I admired my wife’s jugs?JEN Jesus!LIZ Matt, stop winding people up. Please!LISA We’ve all had enough of this now, Matthew. Just stop it will you!JEN Thank god it’s only retirement ‘do’s we’ve got to put up with him these

days!LISA (TRYING TO LIGHTEN IT) And over the Christmas tree. Maybe we should

stick him on top of it.LIZ Don’t forget weddings, and funerals, and...LISA Christenings! How could we forget that!JEN So, where are the kids, Liz? Hey, d’you want to sit down?LIZ No, I’m fine. We need to be off, anyway. No, they’re down the park with

Sally and her boys. Better than under peoples feet this afternoon, we reckoned. (ROB ENTERS CARRYING A CRATE OF CHAMPAGNE)

ROB (TO MATT:) Hi mate...Liz.LIZ Hi Rob.MATT How ya doing?ROB Yeah, good. You?MATT Good, yeah.ROB So do we want this in the fridge here, or d’you want it driving over to the

church hall, mum? Needs chilling, though. Great balloons, Liz!JEN That’s exactly what Matt said twelve years ago, as we’ve just heard.LISA Now, stop it!


MATT It wasn’t, actually. I / said...LISA Matthew!MATT ...lovely balloons, ‘as it happens’!LIZ Oh, for goodness sake! LISA Will you two just stop it! (JACK ENTERS, CARRYING A NEWSPAPER)JACK Stop what? Hey, lovely balloons Lizzie!MATT That’s just what I said, Dad – and I got a load of shit for it!JEN Now I know I’m home.ROB I’ll put them in the fridge.LISA I think it’s full, Robert.ROB Is there a fridge down the church hall, d’you know?LISA I think so, yes. Just in the kitchen on the right.ROB So shall I take it straight over, then?JEN Why don’t you do that, yes?JACK What’s going on, then?ROB Okay, see you in a bit. (EXITS)ALL Seeya/’bye/cheers, Rob.JEN We’re organising a bloody retirement party, that’s what’s going on, Dad!

In case you hadn’t noticed.JACK That’s nice. Who’s that for, then?LISA Oh, shut up and make some paper chains, you daft bugger!JACK Well, I must say it’s not my forte – but if you insist....LISA I do insist! Keep you out of trouble at least. (HE SITS AND OPENS THE

PAPER, SKIMMING) MATT (SEEING THE FRONT PAGE HEADLINE AND MANOEUVRING TO READ

THE ARTICLE) So they caught that teacher and that girl he ran off with, then.

LISA (UNINTERESTED BUT POLITE) What’s that? (JACK TURNS THE PAPER OVER, GLANCES AT THE HEADLINE AND CONTINUES READING THE INSIDE PAGES WHILE LISA TRIES TO READ THE FRONT TOO) What a mess that’s been. That poor family.

JEN Did you see her parents on the news last week? They were beside themselves.

MATT Bloody perve!LISA Oh don’t! They’re just kids, the pair of them. JEN What!LISA Two lives ruined, running off like that.LIZ And the rest! Her mum and dad / were...JEN She’s a kid. He’s not, is he!LISA We’re all very eager to make quick judgements, Jennifer, and without the

full facts in front of us. JEN Mum!LISA He can’t be much older than she is.


JEN Oh, don’t, Mum!LISA What?JEN Don’t start doing your Mother Theresa bit and defending somebody like

that. He abducted a fifteen-year-old girl, for godsake, Mother!LISA I don’t think you can say he ‘abducted’ her, / Jennifer.MATT I’d string him up, I tell you. LISA Matthew!MATT And he won’t wanna be in that nick, for one! They sort ‘em out in there.

Can’t stand paedos inside.JEN Thank god for small mercies!LISA You sound like the bloody Daily Mail, the pair of you!JACK (SNAPPING PAPER SHUT) Right! Where are these paper chains, then.MATT Tell you what, I’d have him if it was one of mine he knocked off! Hit him

through the other side of Christmas, / I would.LISA Don’t talk like that, Matthew. Please!JACK Well, wouldn’t you! Dad would’ve, it was our Jen – wouldn’t you, Dad!JACK Will someone tell me what I’m supposed to be doing here?LISA Well, it wasn’t our Jen, was it! And life’s not always as black and white as

the papers make out, actually.LIZ They’re in that box behind you, Jack.JEN I don’t believe I’m hearing this!JACK Oh, thanks, love.MATT Well, it’s pretty straightforward from where I’m standing, / I tell you.LIZ Matt, we oughta get off. There’s enough hot air in here / without this lot.

(NODS TO BALLOONS)MATT Some perve runs off with a kid, and it’s / not black and white?JACK Anyone seen the glue?LIZ Matthew!LISA Don’t be so bigoted, Matthew! Things are rarely as clear-cut as they look.JEN You don’t need glue, Dad! They’re self-adhesive!MATT Well, he’ll be clear bloody ‘cut’ in the nick, you bet!JACK What was that, Jen?LIZ Okay, that’s enough Matt!MATT Zero tolerance, that’s what you need.JEN You just press them together – look, Dad. They stick. Magic, eh!LISA (TO LIZ) Thanks, lovey. JACK Well, mine’s not sticking - look.JEN You’ve got it the wrong way round, that’s why – shiny side out, ya div!

Here...(SHOWS HIM)MATT Okay, see you guys later. Down there, or what? (LISA WON’T LOOK AT

HIM) Mum?JACK Ah! Rightie-ho.


LISA (IGNORING MATT) Take the bunting with you, Liz - maybe you can hang that while you’re down there. (MATT SIGHS LOUDLY)

LIZ (SIGNALLING TO MATT TO DROP IT) That’s fine, yeah. See you soon. (MATT EXITS IN A SULK)

LISA Okay, love.JEN Enjoy!LIZ How could we not!LISA ‘Bye love. (SHE SITS, REFLECTIVE)JEN Yeah, ‘bye.LIZ ‘Bye. ‘Bye Jack! JACK Oh, ‘bye, love! (SHE EXITS) Have we got a colour sequence going on here

or what?JEN No, just however you like.JACK Well, that’s a bit random!JEN Totally, Dad.JACK I’d have expected a bit more planning than that for my retirement!JEN Don’t you dare! Don’t you even dare! (NOTICING LISA LOOKING TIRED)

You okay there, Mum?LISA What? Oh, yes – no, I’m fine.JEN Just ignore him. You know what Matt’s like. He can be a right arse

sometimes.LISA Don’t talk about your brother like that!JEN But he can!LISA I know, but...what I find so hard is...well, he can be so...oh, I don’t know...so

intolerant sometimes. It takes you aback when you hear your own son talking like / that.

JEN He’s only saying what everybody else is, Mum.LISA (WEARILY) Is he, Jenny? Really?JEN ‘String him up’, ‘lock him up and throw away the key’... You must have

seen it, so why’re you so shocked?LISA I don’t know, I just...JEN Come on - you read the papers!LISA To be honest, I don’t any more, love. I really don’t. I just find they’re so...so

aggressive. Hostile. JACK Watch out – you’ll get her on politics in a minute if you’re not careful.LISA (IGNORING HIM) Look at all that stuff on Europe- it’s all about

immigration underneath it all. Nodding to UKIP, they are, and the papers are full of it.

JACK Warned you!LISA And these people from wherever – Poland, Czech, wherever – they put a

lot more into the system than they ever take out, but you don’t see that in the papers saying!

JEN Sometimes you do!


LISA I’m just saying, ‘where’s the issue’? Why are they all so hostile – about everything? And when they don’t even know the facts, that’s the point. It’s just so bigoted - all of it.

JACK Has anyone got a blue, because I’ve got a colour scheme going on here, look - but I need another couple of blues.

LISA What?JACK I’m awash with red and yellow here.JEN Matt’s not as bad as he makes out, Mum – honestly. His mouth just works

quicker than his brain sometimes, that’s all.JACK I could just leave it like this, I suppose.LISA Well, I hope you’re right, / because...JACK Or I could just start another one, I guess.LISA What are you on about!JACK Let’s see what colours you two’ve got.JEN Da-ad!LISA Oh just bugger off and make some tea, Jack! We could all do with a cup.JACK Now that’s an idea! (GETTING UP AND HOLDING UP HIS PAPER CHAIN

TO ADMIRE IT) How’s that!JEN Great, Dad. Well done. LISA Beautiful, love. Now put that kettle on.JACK I’m going, I’m going! (EXITS)JEN What’s he like!LISA Oh, don’t get me started. (LISA SIGHS)JEN Don’t be sad, Mum. Matt was just a bit over the top, Mum, that’s all. I know

I have a go at him, but it’s all bluster with him. Honestly.LISA But that hard edge / he’s developing...JEN He’s always had that. But it’s all... Look, he’s a pussy cat underneath - if

you drill down far enough!LISA I hope so, or I’ve failed.JEN You just need a pneumatic and some earplugs.LISA You know, it just made me think that could so easily have been me and

your dad on that front page.JEN What, just because he taught you!LISA Well, and...no, but...JEN It was totally different with you and Dad, Mum - you were at uni when

two hooked up. It’s not the same, is it. LISA No, I know, but...JEN (OVER HER) Look, there’s a world of difference between a teacher and a

fifteen-year-old – or sixteen, or seventeen, or whatever – having an affair, and you two.

LISA But is there? Really?JEN Totally! If somebody teaches you and then...then years down the line

you...I don’t know...‘rediscover’ each other...well, you get together as


adults. It’s totally different, Mum! It’s not like having a thing with your teacher, for godsake! That’s the problem – the power thing, the status - not the age gap!

LISA Yes, but...JEN What?LISA Oh, I don’t know anymore.JEN (OVER HER AGAIN) Look, with this guy in the papers, right? She’s a

bloody schoolkid, for godsake – and that means there’s inevitably a whole kind of power thing. Even I had a crush on some of my teachers, / but...

LISA Did you?JEN Course I did! Doesn’t everybody? Didn’t you? (WAITS) Did you? LISA There was one, yes.JEN Mister Prosser – right? Rugby. Remember him? (HER MUM DOESN’T)

Good-looking...fit – in every sense! LISA I don’t, no.JEN I tell you, if you and Dad knew just how ‘available’ I made myself - you’d

have killed me!LISA Killed him, more like.JEN Quite! But actually he was the absolute model of professionalism –

always. Not to mention deliriously happily married, which I’d rather not! In fact, ‘mention it’ is exactly what he did – more than mention. He brought his wife into every bloody conversation he could. She’d even turn up on the touchline – and still I flaunted it. There’s no getting away from it - I was predatory, if truth be known, and I could have wrecked that guy’s career quicker than you can say ‘slapper’! I was a teenager, Mum - tall, blonde and leggy with what Matthew’d call a great pair of jugs, no doubt!

LISA Don’t you start that / nonsense!JEN And randy as hell! I’d have had him behind the bike sheds as good as look

at him. But he wouldn’t have done. And that’s the point – he wouldn’t have done. Not in a million years.

LISA Well, like you say - his job would have been on the line. JEN I’m not sure it would, actually. Not back then.LISA Maybe not, no. Things have changed, beyond recognition. From what your

dad says you daren’t do anything for fear of ‘child protection’ these days. And if there’s a whiff of absolutely anything, well that’s it – you can kiss your career goodbye right away.

JEN But what I’m saying is the whole thing’s fraught with difficulty. I had a thing about Dave, my Latin teacher...

LISA The one with acne?JEN Yep. And I threw myself at my Clinical Psychology lecturer – totally

shameless, I was. Because there’d something deeply sexy about being taught – about somebody exciting you about something, whatever it is. And kids notoriously get crushes on teachers.


LISA I suppose you’re right.JEN And why d’you think that is? If you think about these girls, right? There

they are with all these nubile, fit blokes round – the same age as them, a bit older maybe, whatever – and what do they do? They get a crush on some old bloke turning them on to the use of the subjunctive! And why’s that?

LISA Father figure, maybe?JEN A crush on your father? What have you been reading? No, it’s because

learning is exciting! It excites young people! It’s designed to! I was reading this article a couple of months back, right? About why people fall in love. And it makes perfect sense, because there was this whole thing about the chemical response we psychologists all recognise when we’re in higher-risk situations, or doing something that really pushes us – bungee jumping, climbing the Himalayas, scuba diving...whatever. But add to that list, ‘learning an instrument, having to speak in front of your peers in a foreign language, playing competitive sport for the school, taking exams and tests and just generally pushing yourself – r being pushed. All high risk, socially or physically or mentally, and all about being ‘aroused’. And our brain’s more susceptible to falling in love under those circumstances than at any other time. Kids put themselves on the line day in, day out in schools. ‘Will I screw up that presentation I worked on all night? Will I be able to play that music I practised for hours? Will we win this match, will I score that goal?’ And all the time there’s a teacher there, encouraging, supporting...and creating and managing the risky situation!

LISA So / what’s the...?JEN So don’t be surprised when kids develop crushes! LISA That doesn’t justify it.JEN I’m not trying to ‘justify’ anything! I’m trying to explain what I think goes

on, that’s all. And the point is, any teacher worth their salt knows kids get crushes, and steers a million miles away. They know kids have a thing about them. It doesn’t give them a license to do anything about it, does it! And it certainly doesn’t give them a red light to do anything even vaguely defined as ‘grooming’. That’s what I’m saying.

LISA No, I can see what you mean. JEN But didn’t you ever feel that? What about Dad, for one? LISA Well, I...JEN Come on – don’t go all coy on me! LISA No, / I’m...JEN Don’t tell me you never slid off a chair in one of his lessons!LISA (GETTING UP) Now that really is too graphic for me, Jennifer! JEN Didn’t you fancy him, though?LISA Let’s see where your Dad’s got to? He’s probably tucking into some of

those sausage rolls.


JEN A bit Freudian, that!LISA Oh, stop it!JACK (ENTERS WITH MUGS ON TRAY) Tragic!LISA What?JACK We’re out of ginger nuts.JEN We’ll survive, Dad. (TAKING TEA) Thanks.LISA (SITTING BACK DOWN, TIRED AGAIN) What about Hobnobs? There’s a

new packet, I think. In the cupboard behind the door. Behind the pasta. I was hiding them.

JACK Who from?LISA Me.JACK Run that past me.LISA What, the idea of hiding them, or where they are?JACK Never mind. I’ll never understand women. (EXITS)JEN How many more of these are we doing?LISA I think there’s enough, just about. What d’you reckon?JEN Well, there are some up already, and then there’s the bunting, so...LISA Let’s just have this cuppa then we’ll get over there and start setting up,

eh?JACK Nope! Or if they’re there, you’ve done a bloody good job of hiding them!LISA Oh, let me go and see. (EXITS, LEAVING JACK SITTING WITH HIS TEA)JACK I don’t know – all this palaver about retiring. I don’t get it, really.JEN A lot of people want to say goodbye, Dad.JACK But it’s not like I’m going anywhere anytime soon, is it.JEN No, but you’re not going to work either, come September. They’ll miss

you. And not many people stay after sixty-five like you did.JACK Missing me, I doubt. JEN Oh, come on. They will! Even I know that. JACK Well, the ones that do, I’ll still see, no doubt. You still see friends. And as

for the rest...JEN But there’ll be ex-colleagues, and past students, and / all sorts there

tonight.JACK Really?JEN Yes, it’s a big do!JACK I had no idea / it was ...JEN Mum’s been very discrete! But there’ll be people you haven’t seen for

years. All kinds have come out of the woodwork for this! It’s really exciting.

JACK Gosh.JEN You were very important to some of those kids, you know – well, you

know you were. Right Mister chips, by the sounds of it!JACK You’ll be having me blush in a minute.


JEN You should see what some of them have written about you – ‘always there for me’, ‘the one adult who understood me’, ‘the most important person in my childhood’ – and Mum’s worked really hard getting in touch with everyone.

JACK Well, well! (LISA ENTERS EMPTY-HANDED) I didn’t / realise...LISA Nope! Looked everywhere. Didn’t realise what?JACK That it was...er...such a...er...JEN Dad’s excited about people from way back coming tonight.LISA Oh, you haven’t told him / who’s...JACK She hasn’t told me anything - except there are people from my sordid past

turning up, god help me!JEN So you’ve got a sordid past too, eh!LISA Jennifer’s been telling me about the crushes she had on teachers at school.

(JACK THROWS HER A CAUTIONARY LOOK BUT SHE RETURNS IT WITH REASSURANCE)

JEN Yes, and the less said the better!JACK Are there really no biscuits?LISA There really are no biscuits, sweetheart. I’m terribly sorry. JACK That’s just not good enough, madam! Well then, (STANDING) I see there’s

no alternative but to nip to the co-op and buy them myself, because I am not having a cup of tea on an auspicious day like this without a ginger nut or three.

LISA You do that.JEN (HEADING OUT) And make sure the Hobnobs are chocolate, please!JACK Hobnobs too, eh! Why am I cursed with such demanding women in my

life! (EXITING)LISA Pop the kettle back on as you go by, love. I’ll make a fresh pot while you’re

out.JACK (CALLING, OFF) Will do!JEN What’s he like! I don’t know how you put up with him.LISA He’s a treasure – otherwise I wouldn’t have been with him all these years,

would I.JEN It’s a long time.LISA Nearly forty years.JEN Jesus! I can’t imagine being with anyone for forty years!LISA Not even Rob?JEN Especially Rob!LISA Oh?JEN The thing is, you change, don’t you...and grow...and I guess maybe

sometimes in the same direction, and sometimes not. You never know – until after the event.

LISA Jen...are you and Rob alright?JEN Yeah! Yeah, we’re okay.


LISA Just ‘okay’ though.JEN Okay’s fine, Mum. Who knows – maybe we’ll still be here after forty years

after all.LISA Let’s hope.JEN Yeah, stuffing Hobnobs and making paper chains. LISA There are worse ways to entertain yourself.JEN I’ll just make that tea. You sit there. (KISSING HER MOTHER’S HEAD AS

SHE EXITS)LISA Thanks, Jen. (LISA PICKS UP THE NEWSPAPER AND READS THE FRONT

PAGE, ENGROSSED. SHE PUTS IT DOWN WHEN JEN COMES BACK) Oh, you poor daft things.

JEN It really upset you, that outburst from Matt, didn’t it.LISA Oh, I don’t know...I just...I tell you what it is, love - it just made me think,

that’s all. If these two end up getting married, let’s say, and they’re still together after thirty, forty years – like me and your dad...would people still say the same? Would they still call him those horrible names? If it passed the test of time, and they had a family, raised kids...would it matter how it all started?

JEN But...LISA (OVER HER) What really makes these two any different from me and your

dad, Jen? Would he have been accused of ‘grooming’? That’s what I’m saying. That’s what I’m saying.

JEN If you’d still been at school, yes.LISA Even now? After all these years, even?JEN Well, thank your lucky stars my dad had more sense, eh! (DOORBELL

RINGS. SQUEEZING HER MOTHER’S HAND) I’ll go. (EXITS FOR A MOMENT THEN POPS HER HEAD AROUND THE DOOR, LOOKING PUZZLED) It’s for Dad.

LISA (BRIGHTER) Oh! Right! Who is it?JEN She said her name’s Caroline Carr.LISA (SURPRISED) What, Mrs Carr?JEN I guess so. LISA It’s Dad’s Headmistress! JEN Do you want me to show her in? Maybe it’s about tonight. LISA I can’t think why.JEN Well, shall I ask her in, then, or what?LISA (TIDYING THE TABLE AND MAKING SPACE TO SIT) Yes, do!CARR (COOLLY PROFESSIONAL, OFFERING HER HAND) Hallo Mrs. Wilson. LISA Hallo. Nice to see you. Lisa, please.CARR I’m sorry to intrude like this – (GLANCING AROUND AND TRYING TO

SMILE) you must be very busy with preparations for tonight.LISA (TRYING TO APPEAR RELAXED) We’re having great fun with paper

chains, as you can see!


CARR Yes.LISA You’ll be all too familiar with this, I imagine.CARR Not in the senior school so much, no - but I used to be in a junior school

and there was a lot more of that there, yes. LISA Ah, yes – there would be, I suppose.JEN Can I get you some tea?LISA Yes, sorry. Would you like some tea?CARR I was hoping to speak to Jack, if I may.LISA Right. JEN He’s just popped out to get some biscuits. He should be back any minute,

though.LISA So shall I get you some – while you wait?CARR No, I’m fine, thank you.JEN We’ve just made a pot – literally.CARR No, I’ll just...I’m fine. But I will wait, if that’s alright with you.LISA No, of course. Yes. Take a seat - please.CARR (SITTING) Thank you.JEN I’ll just get mine, Mum. D’you want one now?LISA I’ll just wait until your father gets back, thanks love. JEN Okay. (EXITS)CARR I am sorry about this.LISA It’s absolutely fine. Can I ask why you want him?CARR I can’t discuss it, I’m afraid.LISA (JOKING) What, has there been a big whip-round?CARR (AVOIDING SAYING ANYTHING) Hm.

(JEN ENTERS WITH HER TEA, BUT HER MOBILE RINGS IN HER POCKET)JEN Sorry. Excuse me! (EXITS AGAIN)CARR You’ve been very busy, by the looks of it.LISA We’ve all got stuck in, so... (IT’S AWKWARD)CARR Must be quite a party.LISA Yes. Yes, lots coming. (AFTER A FEW AWKWARD MOMENTS) He should

be here any minute now.CARR Right.LISA (AFTER A FEW MORE) It’s just around the corner, the co-op.CARR I see.LISA It’s useful having it so close like that.CARR It must be, yes.

(JACK ENTERS, SMILING WITH FOUR PACKETS OF BISCUITS, NOT SEEING THEIR VISITOR)

JACK It’s your lucky day, girls!LISA Jack... (HE SEES CARR)JACK (ALL SMILES BUT SURPRISED) Oh, hallo Caroline! How are you?CARR (STANDING) Hallo, Jack. I’m sorry to burst in on you like this, / but...


JACK Not at all! Just in time for the biscuits! (HE PROUDLY LAYS ALL FOUR PACKETS ON THE TABLE)

LISA Jack, / Mrs Carr wanted to...JACK Did you offer tea, love?LISA I did, yes, but...CARR Jack, I think you should sit down. JACK That sounds serious? (SEEING THEIR GRIM FACES, HE SITS NEXT TO

LISA) Has something happened?CARR You could say that. Could we talk in private for a moment?

(LISA LOOKS TO JACK, ALARMED) JACK Er...no, I don’t think so.CARR I think / you might...JACK Anything you want to say to me you can say in front of my wife, Caroline.CARR If you’re absolutely / sure...JACK We’ve been married nearly forty years, / and...LISA Thirty-eight going on thirty-nine.JACK ...and there have never been any secrets between us. (CARR RAISES AN

EYEBROW) None.CARR If that’s what you wish. (SHE WAITS, ALLOWING HIM TO CHANGE HIS

MIND) Jack, I’m sorry to say this, but...I’m afraid there’s been an allegation.

LISA An allegation?JACK What kind of allegation?CARR Of a sexual nature. (HE SINKS) LISA Against Jack?CARR I’m afraid so.LISA (TAKING HIS HAND) But that’s ridiculous!CARR It may well be, / but...LISA Total nonsense!CARR ...but we still have to investigate it, I’m afraid, Mrs Wilson. I’m sure you’ll

understand, Jack. JACK (QUIETLY) Yes...yes.CARR It’s as much for your sake as the pupil’s. I’m sure you know that. These

things have a habit of...LISA Habit! JACK Who made this ‘allegation’?CARR I can’t tell you that, I’m afraid.LISA Can’t, or won’t!JACK (PLEADING) Love...please, love!CARR I can’t, Mrs Wilson. I’m afraid it’s procedure.LISA Procedure!JACK Can I ask what kind of allegation?CARR I can’t tell you that either, I’m afraid.


LISA You’re ‘afraid’!CARR I’m sorry. LISA You come in here, and...CARR It’s out of my hands now.LISA So whose hands is it in, then!CARR The governors, / and...LISA Governors!JACK (QUIETLY) Oh my god.CARR ...and police and Social Services.LISA Social Services! What / the...CARR The girl was under sixteen, Mrs Wilson. And there are several other

allegations we’re following up too. They came on the back of the first disclosure, I’m afraid.

JACK Others!CARR Several, yes.JACK Oh god!JEN (SMILING) Well, the good news is... (SEEING THEIR EXPRESSIONS) Mum?

Dad? What’s going on?


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