Perfectionism

The Need to Be Right

Ann Anzaloneann.anzalone@gmail.com

CEREBRAL CORTEX

MIDBRAIN

Emotions don’t make you mad; you make you mad. You and only you can create your emotions. Once you have created them, you have two options: you can act on them or be acted on by them; master them or feel hostage to them. Feelings drive actions. If you don’t get at source of the feelings, you will suffer the effects of the feelings.

Just after we observe something and just before we feel emotion we tell ourselves a story. We add meaning to the action as well as motive and judgment. Based on your stories, our body responds with emotion. We can take control of our emotions by telling a different story. Our stories are our interpretation of the facts; they are our theories to explain how, why, what. It’s our stories that drive our emotions. If we always react, the story is hardwired.

BRAIN STEM

Survival Aggressive: physical and verbal Arms disappear in clothing Cannot sit still Itchy eyes Clothes-sucking and shirt turning Off task Constantly going to the bathroom Does not finish work Easily distracted Everything is boring Hyperactive Knee-sitters and chair rockers Pencil chewing Perfectionist Speech difficulties Stressful reading Tears Trouble with boundaries

Debra Wilson Heiberger and Margot C. Heiniger-White. S’cool Moves for Learning.

Story

Daniel H. Pink

We are our stories.As we tell our stories, we compress years of experience, thought and emotion into a few compact narratives that we use to explain ourselves and connect to others.

Narrative imagining - story – is the fundamental instrument of thought. Rational capacities depend on it. It is our chief means of looking into the future, of predicting, of planning, and of explaining… Most of our experience, our knowledge and our thinking is organized as stories. Mark Turner, The Literary Mind

There is… an internal “story grammar” that helps us understand the world as a pattern of experiences, not as a set of logical propositions. That is the essence of the story ~ context enriched by emotion. Stories sharpen our understanding of one thing by showing it in the context of something else.

When facts become so widely available and instantly accessible, each one becomes less valuable. What begins to matter more is the ability to place these facts in context and to deliver them with emotional impact.

There are never any new stories…just the same stories retold. The blueprint for tales since humankind’s earliest days, is the “hero’s journey.” The hero has three main parts: Departure, Initiation and Return. The hero hears a call, refuses it at first and then crosses the threshold into a new world. Joseph Campbell, The Hero With a Thousand Faces

If stories come to you, care for them.And learn to give them away where theyAre needed. Sometimes a person needs a Story more than food to stay alive

Barry Lopez, Artic Dreams

Stories provide: a context enriched by emotion along with a deeper understanding of how we fit in and why that matters.

Daniel H. Pink. A Whole New Mind. Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future.New York: Penguin Group. 2006.

Making a Good Brain Great

Dr. Daniel Amen M.D.

Prefrontal Cortex: houses the ability to learn from mistakes, make plans, match our behavior over time to reach our goals; it is the part of the brain that as Jiminy Cricket says “is the still small voice that helps you decide between right and wrong”

Anterior Cingulate Gyrus: helps you feel settled, relaxed and flexible; the brain’s gear shifter; is responsible for cognitive flexibility; shifts attention; cooperation; implicated in “future oriented thinking” such as planning and goal-setting

Deep Limbic System: sets a person’s emotional tone; less active = positive, more hopeful state of mind; provides the filter through which you interpret the events of the day; stores highly charged emotional memories

Basal Ganglia: integrates feelings, thoughts, and movements; sets body’s idle or anxiety level; high basal ganglia is associated with conflict-avoidant behavior; anxiety and physical stress symptoms such as headaches, intestinal problems, and muscle tension

Temporal Lobes: involved with language, reading social cues, short-term memory, getting memories into long-term storage, processing music, tone of voice and mood stability; recognizing objects by sight and naming them; spiritual experience and insight

Cerebellum: involved with processing speed, thought coordination, how quickly cognitive and emotional adjustments are made; motor coordination, posture, poor handwriting, problems organizing, sensitive to light, noise, touch, clothing, being clumsy or accident prone

The best sources of stimulation for the brain are:physical exercise, mental exercise and social bonding Put 15 minutes into learning something new every day. Working with modeling

clay or Play Doh helps to grow new connections and develops agility and hand-brain coordination.

Compare how things work; looking at similarities and differences help the brain’s ability to think abstractly and challenges the frontal lobes

Physical exercise protects and enhances the brain; stimulates the neurogenesis ability of the brain to generate new neurons; exercise exerts a protective effect on hippocampal neurons that lasts 3 days

NurtureShockPo Bronson and Ashley Merryman

Intelligence/ Process Praise/ People Praise Giving children the label of smart does not prevent them from underperforming; it

might be causing it: emphasizing natural intelligence instead of performance takes the outcome out of the child's control with no good recipe for responding to failure; students turn to cheating because they haven't developed a strategy for handling failure.

Child deprived of the opportunity to make and discuss mistakes can't learn from them

Develop the belief : the way to bound back from failure is to work harder Praise effort intermittently: specific, sincere; 75% process praise/ 25% person praise developed same level of persistence as

more process praise; fall was apparent at a 50-50% praise mix Praise effort and specific achievements Work hard. You can do this!

Sleep1 hour less sleep: equivalent to 2 years delay in cognitive maturation and development; children are getting 1 hour less sleep than 30 years ago; young children 30 min less; much brain development occurs when sleeping; the more you learn, the more you need to sleepdropping below 8 hours sleep doubles the rate of clinical depression, moodiness, impulsiveness, disengagementNo statistical correlation between obesity and media; kids don't trade TV time for physical activity; less sleep = less activity during the day

Lying lying is a developmental milestone; what really works: “I will not be upset with

you if you tell the truth, I will be really happy.” children need to learn the worth of honesty; lies challenge the self concept: "I am a good child and did the right thing."

teen brain can think abstractly, not feel abstractly until it has more life experiences to draw on, feeling it's a bad idea is what it takes to stop oneself

Thinking develop language: have children “read back” books after being read to make a plan for the day; draw the plan or write it during play, children learn basic development:

o symbolic thought reality and symbols, o abstract thinking, o holding multiple thoughts in head and stacking them together,

o self-reflection,o internal dialogueo thought conversation is the opposite of impulsive reaction :

1. teach kids to talk out loud;2. talk self through activity; 3. develop attention it also internal distractions, such as the thought, “I can’t do this.” 

Play friend play is an indicator of sibling play children better improve social skills with friends rather than siblings Despite the common belief that sibling rivalry stems from the loss of parental attention,

studies show that it is more about claiming possession over toys.  An overwhelming majority of fights were due to fights over toys.

One of the best predictors for how well siblings get along is determined before the birth of the younger child – the quality of the older child’s relationship with his best friend.  Older siblings acquire their social skills from their relationships with other children and apply what they learn on their younger siblings.

Shared fantasy play is another factor that helps foster stronger relationships because it requires emotional commitment and awareness of what the other child is doing.

It is the relationship that children have with other children that forces them to develop new skills rather than the relationship they have with their parents because getting what they want from a parent is easy.  Other children don’t care that they are hungry or that they have a bruised knee because chances are those children also have one too.

children’s shows (even educational ones, Arthur, etc.) teach children to be "relationally aggressive"

Popular, more social children tend to be more "relationally aggressive"

Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. NurtureShock New Thinking About Children. NY: Hachette Book Group. 2009.

Noise Pollution exposure to more traffic noises all day, everyday affects reading levels

and auditory discrimination tasks affecting the ability to perceive a difference between spoken words; can’t hear speech in the presence of competing sounds

human hearing isn’t sensitive to small changes in volume which is why decibels are a logarithmic measurement; every 10 decibel increase signals a doubling of perceived volume; background noise @ 45 dB is loud enough to interfere with the ability to understand speech

the only protective factor from noise is distance: airport noise up to 77 dB (8 months behind in reading); NY subway train every 4 ½ min 30 seconds 220 ft away from school ( 11months behind in reading); open class preschool building 92 dB installed sound absorbent panels; reduced dB by 5 was enough to improve letter, number and simple word recognition

www.nutureshock.com

SO EACH MAY LEARNDR. HARVEY SILVER

There isn’t a strong correlation between ability and achievement. Dr. Harvey Silver

4 A’s1.

2.

3.

4.

AttentionDr. David Walsh

Reactive attention: connected to the emotional system; involuntary, hardwired, automatic, instinctive; responds to movement, sudden change and emotion

Focused attention: connected to the prefrontal cortex; needs to be developed, helps to develop critical thinking skills, reflection, synthesis, critical analysis

prefrontal cortex is responsible for thinking ahead, considering consequences, assessing risks, managing emotional impulses and urges

focuses on one thing at a time sequentially.

Develop attention by playing cards, board games, concentration games, chess, scrabble, puzzles, reading, reading aloud, spinning, swinging, following routines and setting specific times for homework, meals, sleep

Memory is the key to learning. Memory is not retention but attention.

Jim KwikEncode store retrieve remember

Memory scaffolding is built by conversation;the more elaborate the scaffolding, the more knowledge the child has.

Human Bingo

Directions: Play cover all. Find someone who can do each of the following and write his/her name in the square. You may write one “free” wherever you choose.

Likes to read several books at a time

Sings Likes to do onething at a time

Journals

Remembers names Watches the newsBefore going to sleep

Watches movies more than once

Likes to read only one book at a time

Remembers faces Fidgets Keeps piles onthe desk

Likes to play videogames

Does yoga Gardens Draws Exercises regularly

ARITHMETIC TIME TEST

Directions: Complete the problems as quickly as you can. In the following problems + means divide, X means subtract, ¸ means add, and – means multiply.

4¸2 = __________ 2¸1 = __________

7-3 = __________ 8+2 = __________

7x2 = __________ 5-4 = __________

6+3 = __________ 4¸2 = __________

7¸3 = __________ 6-3 = __________

8¸4 = __________ 9+3 = __________

9x2 = __________ 6¸2 = __________

7x2 = __________ 4-2 = __________

8+4 = __________ 10+5= __________

6x3 = __________ 12x1 = __________

8 -2 = __________ 6¸3 = __________

12+2 = __________ 12x2= __________

10¸2 = __________ 3-2 = __________

5x3 = __________ 6+3 = __________

4+2 = __________ 4x2 = __________

3x 2 = __________ 8¸2 = __________

7- 2 = __________ 10+2= __________

7+1 = __________ 10-2 = __________

4x3 = __________ 10x2 = __________

10-5= __________ 6+3 = __________

INFINITY WALKDr. Deborah Sunbeck

a progressive sensorimotor training program

The Infinity Walk helps people develop and maintain a balance between the 3D world and the 2D world; it triggers the integration of hemispheric functioning so that the sensory and motor systems work together.

THE INFINITY WALK

Walk the pattern of the number 8, swinging arms across midline. Keep eyes focused on a spot that is at a 90 degree angle to the center of the 8. The pattern needs to be about 10-12 feet long. Walk at least 10 minutes of the pattern without losing the arm swing at any point.

7 Levels

1. Walk the Infinity Walk (8 on its side).

2. Walk the Walk, keeping a focus at a 90 degree angle to the x in the Infinity Walk.

3. Walk the Walk, keeping the focus and swinging arms front, back.

4. Walk the Walk, keeping the focus, swinging arms and counting the letters of the alphabet (1-a, 2-b, 3-c, 4-d…)

5. Walk the Walk, keeping the focus, swinging arms and giving a speech.

6. Walk the Walk, keeping the focus, swinging arms and talking with one person.

7. Walk the Walk, keeping the focus, swinging arms and talking with several people.

Crucial ConversationsTools for Talking When Stakes Are High

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler

Crucial Conversations occur when opinions vary, stakes are high and emotions run strong

The core of every conversation is the free flow of relevant information in which participants express their opinions, share feelings and articulate theories. The conversation creates a pool of shared meaning. The pool is a measure of the group’s IQ. The larger the pool, the smarter the decisions.

When free flow sharing is blocked we avoid the conversation, handle the conversation poorly handle it well. When we avoid or handle the conversation poorly, the other person’s brain is in a flight or fight mode.

Start with heart.What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for our relationship? How would I behave if I really wanted these results?

Find a way to get all of the relevant information out into the open.

Options Silence (withdrawing meaning from pool) masking, avoiding, withdrawing, fuming,

sugar coating, couching, pouting Violence (forcing meaning into pool) convincing, controlling, compelling others to your

point of view, name calling, monologuing, making threatening, labeling, attacking, overstating facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, using directive questions, belittling (is often preceded by a prolonged period of silence)

Speak openly and honestly

Communication Games When you name the game, you can stop playing it.

Salute and stay Freeze Withhold meaning Verbal attacks

Borrowing power Biased monologue Subtle manipulation: HintsSarcasmLooks of disgustInnuendo

In a failed conversation it is natural for us to want to1. correct the facts, quibble over details and point out flaws; the goal changes from

connecting with others to identifying mistakes to winning

2. seek revenge3. use silence4. use sucker’s choice: be honest and attack or be kind and withhold the truth using

either/or thinking There is always a third choice: be honest and respectful

When moving toward silence and violence, stop and pay attention to your motives. Note when conversations turn unhealthy: look for one of three conditions: 1. the moment the conversation turns crucial; 2. silence or violence3. your own style under stress

When emotions heat up, key brain functions shut down. When others feel unsafe, they make fun of you, insult you or bowl you over with arguments

Restore emotional safety: look for ways that we are similar, sympathize or empathize, write goals emphasizing commonality, find mutual respect and purpose and apologize if warranted.

When the purpose of the conversation is at risk, we end up in debates, defensiveness, hidden agendas, accusations or circling back to the same topic.

Listen rather than act on feelings. AMPPAsk to get things rollingMirror to confirm feelingsParaphrase to acknowledge the storyPrime the pump by telling a story when it appears that you are getting nowhere

ABC’s Agree Build Compare

Emotions don’t make you mad; you make you mad. You and only you can create your emotions. Once you have created them, you have two options: you can act on them or be acted on by them; master them or feel hostage to them. Feelings drive actions. If you don’t get at source of the feelings, you will suffer the effects of the feelings

Just after we observe something and just before we feel emotion we tell ourselves a story.We add meaning to the action as well as motive and judgment. Based on your stories, our body responds with emotion. We can take control of our emotions by telling a different story. Our stories are our interpretation of the facts; they are our theories to explain how, why, what. It’s our stories that drive our emotions. If we always react, the story is hardwired.

SEE – TELL- FEEL – ACT

1. notice behavior using silence or violence?2. get in touch with feelings; what emotion encouraged the action3. tell / analyze the story; what story created the emotions

4. see/hear get back to the facts What evidence supports the story? separate facts from story by focusing on behavior

Clever stories – help us feel good about behaving badly; they match reality to get us off the hook; we tell a story when we feel the need to justify conscious act against our own sense of what’s right, we don’t admit errors; we look away; we are upset because we sold out; small sell outs are easy to overlook when we feel the need to justify conscious act against own sense of what’s right; we tell clever stories when want self-justification

Victim stories – it’s not our fault; we ignore the role we played in the problem; judiciously avoid the facts and whatever we’ve done to contribute to the problem

Villain stories – it’s all their fault; we tell evils of the other party; exaggerate our own innocence; overemphasize the other person’s guilt and assume the worst possible motives; labeling is commonly used

Helpless stories –There is nothing else we can do; we make ourselves self powerless; we like to explain why we can’t do anything to change the situation; it’s easy to act helpless when we turn other’s behavior into fixed and unchangeable traits

Start with heart: What do you really want?

1. Share facts. Facts lay the groundwork for all delicate conversations2. Tell your story.3. Ask for other’s paths.4. Talk tentatively. “I was wondering why…,” “Perhaps you are unaware…”

“In my opinion…” “I’ve talked with three-four others…”5. Encourage testing.

SELECTED BIBLIOGRAPHYAmen, Daniel, M.D. Change Your Brain Change Your Life. NY Harmony Books. 2005.

Braverman, Eric. R. M.D. The Edge Effect. NY: Sterling Publishing Co., Inc. 2004.

Bronson, Po and Ashley Merryman. NutureShock. New Thinking About Children.New York: Hachette Book Group. 2009.

Brown, Stuart. M.D. and Christopher Vaughan. Play How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination and Invigorates the Soul. New York: Penguin Group. 2009.

Carr, Nicholas. The Shallows What the Internet is Doing to our Brains. New York: Norton. & Co. 2010

Dweck, Carol. PhD. Mindset. New York: Random House. 2007.

Goddard, Sally. Reflexes, Learning and Behavior. A Window Into the Child’s Mind. OR: Fern Ridge Press. 2005.

Hannaford, Carla. Smart Moves. Why Learning Is Not All In Your Head. VA: Great River Books. 2005.

Jensen, Eric. Teaching With the Brain In Mind. Virginia: ASCD. 2005.

Lemov, Doug. Teach Like A Chamnpion. 49 Techniques That Put Your Students On the Path to College. CA: Jossey-Bass. 2010.

Meier, Dave. The Accelerated Learning Handbook. New York: McGraw Hill Book Co. 2000.

Melillo, Robert, Dr. Disconnected Kids. NY: Perigee Books. 2009.

Patterson, Kerry, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler. Crucial Conversations Tools for tTalking When the Stakes Are High. New York: McGraw Hill. 2002.

Ratey, J. John. M.D. with Eric Hagerman. SPARK The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain. N.Y. Little, Brown and Co. 2008.

Restak, Richard. M.D. Think Smart. A Neuroscientist's Prescription for Improving Your Brain's Performance. NY: Riverhead Trade. 2010.

Small, Gary. M.D. and Gigi Vorgan. iBrain Surviving the Technological Alteration of the Modern Mind. NY: HarperCollings. 2008

Walsh, David. PhD. Smart Parenting, Smarter Kids. NY: Free Press. 2011.