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AnOpenLettertotheShambhalaCommunityfromLong-ServingKusungTotheShambhalacommunity:ThisletterisinregardstoMiphamJ.Mukpo,alsoknownasSakyongMiphamRinpoche.Forthepurposesofthisletter,wewillrefertohimasMr.Mukpo.InlightoftherecentlyconcludedinvestigationsandsubsequentcommunicationsfromtheShambhalaleadership,agroupofformerKusungdecidedtocomeforwardandhighlightareaswedonotfeelwerefullyorproperlyaddressed.Bywayofbackground,theDorjeKasungisthequasi-militarygroupinShambhalataskedwithprotectingtheteachingsandthecommunity.TheKusung,meaning“bodyprotectors,”areasubsetoftheDorjeKasungwhoaretaskedwiththedirectcareofMr.Mukpo’sbody,onalllevels.Accordingly,theKusungarewitnesstoMr.Mukpo’sprivatelife.BecomingaKusungisonlybyinvitationofMr.Mukpo.Herequiresloyalty,confidentiality,andallegiancetohisview.MoreoftenthannothealsorequiresVajrayanasamayavows.WithintheDorjeKusungthereareContinuityKusungwhotravelandlivewithMr.Mukpoforaboutayear,servinghim24/7.ThereareveryfewpeopleinShambhalawhospendasmuchtimewithMr.Mukpo.WeareallformerKusungwhohaveheldmultipleleadershiprolesintheShambhalacommunitysomeofwhichwehavelistedbelowournames.Althoughweareasmallcontingentofformerservants,ourcollectivedirectexperiencewithMr.Mukpospansfrom1994to2018.ServinginthesecapacitieshasaffordedusbothintimateexposuretoMr.Mukpo’sconductandongoingaccesstothosewho’vecontinuedtoserveorservedafterourdutiesconcluded.Eachofushasgraduallydistancedourselvesfromtheinnercircleforavarietyofreasons,primarilyanoverwhelmingneedforself-care.Mostofushaveleftthecommunityentirely.Inconversationwitheachother,andwithmanyotherformerCourt(personalhousehold)staff,we’veconcludedthatMr.Mukpohasconsistentlyshownadisturbingpatternofbehavior.GivenMr.Mukpo’spositionassoleauthorityofShambhala,wefeelamoralobligationtoalertothersinordertoavoidfurtherharmandprovidedirectunfilteredfeedbacktoMr.Mukpo.Thefollowingsummaryhighlightskeyobservationsandrepresentsourowncollectiveopinion.Attachedtotheendofthisletteraresixindividualaccountsthatcontributedtoourgeneralassessment.

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Ms.BathfromWickwireHolmhadaverynarrowmandateforherinvestigation.However,weknowthatabuseisgenerallyunderreportedwhichspeakstoamuchwiderepidemicintheShambhalacommunity.ThisseemingefforttodownplaythenumberandseverityofincidentsiscorroboratedbyMs.Merchasin’sinvestigation.WecanconfirmthatMr.MukpohasalonghistoryofsexualmisconductincludingthoseClaimantsinthefinalWickwireHolmreport.Whilesomeofusdidtalktotheinvestigatorsabouttheseallegationswefeelthatmuchwasnotfullyaddressed.Mr.Mukpohasalong-standinghistoryofquestionablebehaviortowardshisstudents,rangingfromcrudeharmfulspeechtophysicalandpsychologicalabuse.Thishasoccurredbothwhilehewasdrinkingheavilyandintheabsenceofalcohol.Hehasalsoconsistentlypropagatedmisuseoforganizationalfunds.Inouropinion,hisabuseofpowergoesfarbeyondthelimitedscopeoftheWickwireHolminvestigation.WeknowMr.Mukporeceivedfeedbackabouthisbehaviorfromvariouskeypeopleatdifferenttimes.Heeitherdismissedorwasunabletoheedthewarningsandcontinuedtoengageintheseactivities.WeareconcernedthatMr.Mukpoisunlikelytochange.Mostofushavebeensubjectedtohisabuse.AttimeswehavealsobeeninadvertentenablersofMr.Mukpo’sbehavior.Wehaveeachstruggledtounderstandourblindspots.Itisabitterpilltoswallowthatwewereenablersofthisman.Themoreweignoredourownintuition,themorepeoplewereharmed,andthemoredamagewaspropagated.Aswastrueforus,manyotherShambhalaleadersmaynotrecognizetheirroleinthepropagationoftheseharms.Indeedmanyarevictimsthemselves.Whilewecannotundothedamage,hopefullywecanspeaktothetruthofhowhisbehaviorhashurtmanyofhisstudents.Weseektofurthervalidatethosewhohavebravelynamedthispatternandwholikelyweresubjectedtogaslightingorminimization.Wehopeourpersonalstatementswillencourageotherstospeakandkeepspeaking.AlthoughtheShambhalacommunityismakingchangesinsomeareasofleadership,aswellasreviewingfinances,ethicalconduct,andreportingpolicies,wedoubtthatthesechangeswillbeenough.Ourconcernisthattheseeffortsmayonlyactasameregestureofchangeifthecenterofthecommunitycannotfacethedeepdiscomfortofitsownculpability.Currently,Mr.MukpoisstillthemonarchandlineageguruinShambhala.Thisiswhywefeltitnecessaryforustobeopenaboutwhatwehavewitnessed.Heisnotsolelydefinedbytheterriblethings–ifhewasthiswouldallbemuchsimpler.Nonetheless,wefeelcompelledtodrawthelinehere–wherethedisparitygapbetweenwhathe,asaspiritualleader,saystodoandwhathehimselfdoes,issowideastoappearimmeasurable.

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Wehavebeentold(andhavetoldourselves)inmanydifferentwayshowtoobscurethisline.OftenthereisathemeofimploringustobelievethatMr.Mukpo’sbehaviorisbeyondourunderstanding.Weareaskedtoregardsuchactivityastheguru’smethodofwakingusup.But,lookingaroundtheworld,there’snothingsoprosaicasaleaderusinghispowerandpositiontotakeadvantageofpeopleunderhiscare.Byendorsingthisletterwearebothaffirmingthesewordsandstandinginsupportofthosewho’vebeenexploitedorharmed.TheforthcomingstatementsfromsixoftheundersignedareintenselypersonalaccountsfrompeoplewhoweretrainedtofocusonMr.Mukpo’sneedsaboveallelse,evenifitmeantburyingwhatwesaworfelt.Ithastakenthislongforustocomeforwardbecausethejourneywasrepletewithself-doubt,shame,andgrief.Thisgroupasawholehasnoaffiliationwithanyparticularmovement,supportgroup,oranyotherorganization.AlthoughthereareotherKusungstaffwhowereinterestedinendorsingthisletter,wedonotclaimtorepresentorspeakforallotherKusung.Sincerely,CraigMorman

Kusung(1997-2015)ContinuityKusung(2002-2003)

BenMedrano,MD

FormerContinuityKusungandpracticingboardcertifiedPsychiatristLauraLeslie

(2002-2016)Kusung-in-Training,Shabchi(AttendanttoMr.Mukpo’swife),staffmemberatShambhalaNewYorkCityandDorjeDenmaLing,AidetotheCounciloftheMakkyiRabjam(LeadersoftheDorjeKasung),MeditationInstructorandShambhalaGuide,RusungattheBoulderShambhalaCenter,BoardMemberatShambhalaMountainCenter.

LouisFitch

(2000-2016)Kasung,Desung,Kusung-in-Training,BoulderRusung,KasungRegimentalCommander,SunCampLeadershipGroup,ColoradoSunCampAdmin,PersonalAttendanttoLadyKonchok,Co-TeamLeaderforLadyKonchok.

DavidEllerton

Environmentstaff,ShambhalaMountainCenter(2000-2001)ContinuityKusung(2001-2002)

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ResidentDirectorofShambhalaTraining,ShambhalaMeditationCenterofDenver(2003-2004)DragonRegionKusungOfficer(2006-2008)

AllyaCanepa

(1994-2018)Kusung,CampCommander,HeadofHousehold-Vermont,Boulder,ShambhalaMountain,Chile;andbriefly,attheend,DragonRegionKusungCommander;KarmêChölingAccountingOffice(1993-1999),WindhorseDressageAcademy(1999-2002),MarpaHouseDirector(2003-2006)PrivyPurse(2006-2010),AshokaCreditUnionCEO(2012-2016).

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BenMedranoFebruary2019My name is Dr. BenMedrano and I was a ContinuityKusung toMr.Mukpo fromDecember 2002 to October 2004. I was one of 2 such attendants and we werealmost always steps away fromhim offering services including personal security,workoutpartner,butler,secretaryandcounselor.Priortothis,mysporadicKusungtraining occurred at various programs starting at the 2000 Vajradhatu seminarywhereIwasrecruitedandtrained.BeforethatIhadnevermetorstudiedwithhim.In fact, I knewvery little aboutanyaspectofhispersonal lifeother thanheworerobesinsteadofthesuitsofhisfather.It’sworthnotingthatIwasnotbornintothiscommunityandmyparticipationstartedaroundtheageof19.Followingmy2-yeartourashisContinuityKusung, Imoved toBoulder tobeginmyownpath towardsbecoming a physician specialized in psychiatry. I continued to be intimatelyinvolved in Mr. Mukpo’s household as a Kusung staff supervisor (Kusungcommander) for many land center programs on an annual basis for the yearsfollowing until the summer of 2011. From about 2005 to 2007 I was a regionalKusung commander for programsmostly in the Colorado area.During that time IwasinvolvedinrecruitmentandtrainingofmanyotherKusung,someofwhicharestillservingtothisday.Uponacceptancetomedicalschoolinthesummerof2010,myserviceandcontactwithhimbecame limited toonlya coupleof campaigns intotal,eachamonthindurationwiththelastbeingathisBoulderhouseholdaroundDecember2013to January2014.Forthosewhocare,myvajrayanapath includedtraditional Kagyu Ngondro by numbers, Shambhala Ngondro, Vajrayogini andmultiple Scorpion Seal Assemblies. Following my acceptance into psychiatricresidencytrainingI’vehadnodirectinvolvementinhisadministrativeorpersonalspheres. However, I did maintain my strong friendships and frequentcommunicationwithmanywhocontinuedtoservehimandhis family. I’vebeenatrustedconfidantabouttheirexperiences,whichallowedmealimitedvantagepointtocontinuetostaytuned-in.PriortothereleaseofBuddhistProjectSunshineIwasnot aware of the extent of harm experienced by these women and many of myformercolleagues.Myretirement fromservicewasaresultofyearsofcontemplation fromwhichI’dconcluded that itwas necessary forme tono longerhave direct contactwithMr.Mukpoandmuchofhisinnercircle.ThisperiodoftimeawayfromthecommunitywhiletraininginpsychiatryallowedmeauniqueperspectiveofShambhalaandit’sleader’s innerworld. In lightof theProject SunshineandWickwireHolmreports,and after reading Mr. Mukpo’s and other’s statements, I came to realized thatsharingmyexperiencewasnecessaryinthisprocessofreconciliation.Theprimarycatalystformewasknowingthatothershavesufferedforyearsandmanymorearesufferingas importantquestionsremainunanswered. Iwas concernedby the factthatmany key close personal staff, prior toMr.Mukpo’smarriage, had remainedsilent.Furthermore,asubstantialportionoftheKusungwerebornandraisedintoShambhala, attendingnumerousannualmilitary-style summercampsduring theirvulnerabledevelopmentalyears.

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ThefollowingisanaccountofwhatIobservedduringmytimeindirectservicetoMr. Mukpo from 2000 to 2014 with particular focus onmy time as a ContinuityKusung.Pleasenotethatanyperiodoutsideofmy2-yeartravelingtourconsistedofvariedweektomonthlongcampaignswherecontactwithhimwasfarmorelimited,asIwasdoingoccasionalserviceshiftsorsupervisingotherKusung.Iwilltrytogiveanhonestaccountofmyobservationsandcontext,whilereservingthebulkofmypersonalinterpretationsforthelatterportionofthisreport.ItsimportantformetodisclosethatIwassocializedwithinthisspiritualinstitutionforover20yearsandthis definitely contributes to bias. For the last 5 years, I also have had no directcontact with Mr. Mukpo or members of the Kalapa Council and they have notattemptedtoreachouttome.From the summer of 2000 to late 2002 I’m guessing I’d accrued a total ofapproximately2monthsofdirectservicetimetoMr.Mukpo.Muchofthistrainingoccurred at Shambhala Mountain Center, Dorje Denma Ling and Karme Choling.During those periods I do remember seeing him consume copious amounts ofalcoholatoccasionalsocialevents.WhenIsayoccasional,therewereafewforeverymonth of service I did. At these events I alsowitnessed dancing, singing, poetry,toasts and one-on-one close conversation between teacher and student. I clearlyrecallseeingyoungattractivewomenbeinginvitedtosocialeventsandIrememberwitnessing him flirtingwith them in themanner of placing his handon thighsorshoulders. I don’t remember seeing any groping of buttocks, breastsor vaginas. Iwasawareofwomenbeinginvitedtohisprivatequartersandhadonoccasionseenthemleavethemorningthereafter.IfnowaskedtodescribetheirfacialexpressionsontheseoccasionsIwouldlistawholerangeofaffectsfromelationandanxietytosadnessandshame.Rarelydid Iseewomenarise fromhisbedroomlookingcalm,happyand refreshed.Thisprettymuchsumsupall ofmyobservationsofwomendepartingafternightsspentfortheyearsthereafter.Prior to startingmy tour as a Continuity Kusung, I had a surprise visit fromMr.Mukpo and entourage. This was the first time I was fully able to appreciate hisvoluminous consumption of alcohol during a binge (easily above 10 drinks). Hedrankfromsunsettosunrise,ashewouldbehaveinaprovocativemannerrangingfrombeinggentleandvulnerabletobeingthreateningandinsecure.Iwillelaboratemoreontheseobservationslater.Idon’trememberhimphysicallyharmingpeopleat this time.His behavior includeddemanding others to drinkmore and coercingsomeparticipantstotakeofftheirclothes.Hisbehaviortowardsmeduringthistimewas invitingandflattering.Fromwhat Icouldtellhedidhisbest tomakemefeelwelcome.Notlongafter,Ireceivedaninvitationtotravelwithhimfulltime.Justbeforemy24thbirthdayonmyfirstdayoftourIrememberbeinggreetedatMr.Mukpo’shouseholdserviceentrydoorinthemidstofaclosedpersonalretreatbyarowdy and overly casual team of Kusung. I was surprised and somewhatdisheartenedbytheirconductas itremindedmeof lockerroombehaviorwhichIloathed.Much of the 3-man team appeared to be poorly groomed and in general

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lookedemotionallyworn.Theyhadbeenservingextensivelyformanymonthsandappearedtobeattheendoftheirtether.ThisimagereallystuckwithmeandIwillremarkonwhylater.Priortotheendofthisretreat,mostwerereplacedbyfresh-faceddevotees.WithinamonthofstartingtheseintensivedutiesweembarkedonMr.Mukpo’sfirsteverbooktourfor“TurningtheMindintoanAlly”visitingaround20internationallocations. Thiswaswhen I began to see the nature of his social engagement thatanchoredmy allegiance further. He slept very little, was constantly teaching andinteractingwithstudents.Theseexperienceswereveryinspiringformeandgaveanexample of my own potential to extend my capabilities further than I’d everimagined. However, the partying continued. At some point in this early period iswhenmyexperienceofservicestartedtotakeaturn.OnemorningMr.Mukpoinvitedmetohisroomlookingworried.Hestatedthathehad a private task forme. He stated that he could no longer be allowed to drinkmore than “2winesor3beers”and that I should,withoutquestion, cuthisdrinkserviceoffatthatpoint.AtfirstIfelthonoredthathewouldsharesuchanintimatemomentwithme.FollowingthisIwasinformedinavaguemannerthatsomethingveryconcerninghadrecentlyhappenedinChile.UntilrecentlyIhadbeenshieldedfromthedetailsofthisevent.Evidentlyhisconductwassoinfuriatingthatoneofhismost senior staffmembers had threatened to resign. Iwas given an official letterthatbasicallysaidIwasempoweredbyMr.Mukpotoreviewandregulateallsocialeventsinvolvingalcohol.ThisletterstatedthatIwastosurpassallotherauthorityon the course of celebrations, control alcohol consumption, and dismiss guests ifneedbe.LittledidIknow,thiswouldbethebeginningofachallengingperiodformeinmyrelationshipwithhim…ultimatelyresultinginaprotractedphaseofdecayingtrustbetweenus.Asmy traveling tour continued, the nature ofMr.Mukpo’s intimate relationshipswith female studentswere superficiallyrevealed tome. Iuse theword superficialbecause Ihad little tono ideawhatoccurredbehindcloseddoors. I assumed thatsomehadsexwithhim,butIdidnotknowthenatureoftheseacts.Ilearnedthathehadanumberoflongstandinggirlfriends,manyofwhomweremarried.Thereweretimesonourtourwheretheywouldvisithimandviceversa.HavingbeensocializedbyShambhalastartinginmyteens,Iwasinitiallyexcitedtoseethatmyteacherwascontinuing his father’s “crazywisdom”. Trungpa’s teachings had already changedmy life inaverypositiveway. I remember thinkinghowconceptuallyprofound itwas that these relationships existed. At the same time I toiledwithwhat itmusthave felt like for these students, always feeling pushed to rationalize this as agenerousofferingtotheirreveredteacher.Onetimewestayedatacouple’shome,whosekidIfrequentlyinteractedwith.Irememberfeelingsuchempathy,realizingthathe/shewasprobablyfarmorepreoccupiedwiththenatureofthisrelationshipthan Iwas.Maybe the childwas too young,maybe caught up inother things, butpartofmecouldnotshakethatmaybeitwasjustasdisturbingforthekidasitistomenow.

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Overtime,manyofthoseaffairswithmarriedwomenended…andtomyknowledgeat least one marriage did as well. There’s no way for me to knowwhat impact,positive or negative, Mr. Mukpo’s relationships with these women had on theirmarriage.Needlesstosay,tomylimitedknowledge,allsuchrelationshipswithhimhadendedpriortohisownmarriage…someagainsthiswill.Onenight,justpastthemidpointofmytour,Iwasplanningabriefhiatusasthingshadbecomeparticularlystressful.IwassittingatacomputerwhenIheardMr.Mukpocomeupbehindmewithoneof thesemarriedwomenwhohadevidentiallybrokeupwithhim.Tomysurprise he began to massage the back of my neck with one hand. This quicklyturned into an uncomfortably tight clamping static grip. At first I attempted toignoreitwhilecontinuingtoappearfocusedontypinguntilIcouldnottoleratethepain and calmly stated “YesRinpoche?”He then snickered and stated to the lady“See?!Hecanwithstandthegrip!”Imustadmit,Ihadforgottenthisstoryuntilveryrecently.Oddly Ididnotconsider itabigdeal,butaftergivingthismancountlessmassagestohelphimrelaxIrealizedthiswasoneofthefewmomentsofphysicalcontactthatheinitiatedoutsideofusingmyarmasabanister.AroundthesametimeofthisincidentMr.Mukpo’sdrinkingescalated.ThisresultedinoneofthefewtimesthatIshowedtheletterinordertointervene.Wewereatabar and I noticed that 3 drinks seemed like toomuch. As per tradition hewoulddictate the seatingarrangement and Iwould findmyselfplacedat adistance thatseemedstrategiconhisbehalf.Manytimesthismadeitdifficultformetointerceptguests’ offers resulting in an experience reminiscent of the childhood game ofWhack-a-Mole.Onlythistimethemolesweredrinksbeinghandedtohim,muchofthe time these offerings were instigated by him. I would do my best to be asinconspicuousaspossibleandreplacethemwithwater,asKusungtakegreatpridein being invisible.Many uninformed senior studentswould get annoyedwithmeand somewould just ignoreme regardless ofmentioning the letter. However, onthisveryrareoccasiononeseniorstudentactuallylistened.DuringourtimeatthebarIobservedMr.Mukpoflirtingwithastudent’slong-termgirlfriend. I could tell that the situationwasuncomfortable forhim.That said, forsome reason, I couldn’t get a clear read what her comfort level was. This raisedfurtheralarmasIhadbeentoldthatIshouldn’tallowhimtomakeadvancesonlessseniororexperiencedstudents…adistantrationalethatInowfindverytroubling.AswewereleavingthebarIdidmyusualescortingofMr.Mukpointothebathroom.I informed him that he had reached his limit and with a twinkle in his eye heindicatedthathecouldn’tcare less. Iwasnotinvitedtohiscarso I instructedthedriverthathemustproceeddirectlybacktotheresidence.Irushedhometohideallalcoholicbeverages.Hisarrivalwasmarkedbystompsandslammingdoors.IspokewiththedrivertoaskwhathadhappenedandwastoldthatMr.Mukpohadorderedhimtogotoanotherbarandwasfrustratedbytheirnothavingdoneso.Followingthis,mypagerrangsummoningmetohisroom.Iopenedhisbedroomdoortofinddarknessandquietlyasked,“MayIgetyouanything?”Asharpandboomingreply:“WATER!”Uponmyreturn I entered thepitch-blackbedroom in fear. Ihadheard

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storiesofMr.MukpostrikingotherKusungandwaswaryofmycurrentlyinvisibledistancefromhimwhilehelayinbed.FortunatelyhedidnothitmeasIsomehowmanaged to place the glass in the void. I left feeling somewhat relieved that apotentialcrisishadbeenaverted.The followingmorning I was summoned to his room and tomy surprise hewasawake and ready for a planned excursion.He verbalized confirmation that itwasgoodthathedidn’tdrinkmorelastnightsincehedidn’tfeeltoohung-overtostickto his established schedule. As an aside, this begs mention of memories aboutseveralpasteventsthathecanceledduetohangovers.Giventhatpositivefeedbackand reinforcement were rare experiences for most Kusung, I took hisacknowledgementasconfirmationthatIwasdoingagoodjobandthisencouragedmetocontinueservinginthisway.This eventwas around the time that I had completedmy initial commitment of ayear. Of note, during this erawewere paid amodestmonthly stipend of around$750dollars forour24/7duties.Althoughthis lowwagewasconcerningtomost,wefeltfortunatetobeabletoserveinthiswaysinceShambhalaInternationalwasinamajorfinancialcrisisandrunningonaskeletonstaffaftermultiplelayoffs.AsIunderstand it,Mr.Mukpo’s“support” incomewaspriorityas Ihear itcontinuestobe.ThisalludestoabroadertopiconMr.Mukpoandfamily’srelationshiptomoney,whichmanyfinddisturbing.Repeatedly Iwasamazedbytheopulence, frequency,and duration of his luxury vacations. Long after my Continuity Kusung term Igathered that he and his wife’s toiletry/cosmetic budget rivaled my own annualsalary as a resident physician. For as long as I have knownhim, this standard oflivinghasneverbeenenough.Irecallasobermiddaycalldemandingmetopushforthe unfeasible purchase of an Audi A8. I vividly remember his infuriated wordsbeing:“IwantmyFUCKINGAudi!”Returningtomyoriginaltrainofthought:ourmeagerKusungearningswerebarelysufficienttomaintainourdailyexpendituresandIfoundmyselfdepletingmy401kby the end ofmy tour in order keep upwithhis social spending. At the time, hispersonalaccountanthadinstructedusthatweweretoavoidusinghisfundswhilegoingouttohisnumerousexpensivediningevents.Toputitsimply,Iwasbeginningtofeelthatterminatingmyserviceatayearwouldbewise.Soonafter,herequestedme to renew my commitment for another year. As said in our tantric vows,“Whatevertheleadercommands,allthatIwilldo.”AsIprogressedthroughmyfinalyearoftravelingthereweremultipleinstancesofMr.Mukpo’sbingedrinkingthatIwasunabletocontrol.Allofthemweremarkedbytenseconfrontationsbetweenus.Onesuchoccasion,attendedbymanyseniorstaff,was at a restaurant dinner. As usual I had attempted to follow his establishedinstructionsandlimitthedrinking.Asexpectedhewouldretractthoseinstructionsoncethecelebratingensuedanddoeverythinginhispowertosabotagemyefforts.Whatmadethiseventdifferentwasthefrankverbalabuse.AtonepointIescortedhimtothebathroomandheproceededtoverballyberateme,callingmean“asshole”

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amongstotherthings.Uponourreturntothedinnertableaudience,heproceededtocomposeaninsultingpoemtitled“StupidPeople”whichwasclearlydedicatedtome.Onspeakingwithotherswhohadwitnessedthisevent I foundthathardlyanyoneconsideredthisastellarteachingmoment.Infact,hisseasonedscribelatertoldmethat the poem was immediately discarded, as it was one of his “worst” literaryworks.AfterhearingthepoemImadeapublicreplyforalltohearstating“I’mjustthebullet inyourowngun,shootingyourself in the footYourMajesty.”Tothishesmiledandcleverlystated“Yes,butIhavethebottle.”During this dinner there was a novice female student whom it was commonknowledgethatIwasdating.AtvariouspointsMr.Mukpomadeadvancestowardsher.AsIwassopreoccupiedwithcuttingoffhisalcoholservice,Icannotrememberthespecificsofthoseadvances.AllIknewwasthatshewasuncomfortable.Aspermyinstructions,Iwastoremovenewstudentsonsuchanoccasion.SoIpassedmyduties to my teammate and made plans to escort her elsewhere as the partycontinuedbackatourresidence.WhenIstoppedinhislivingroomIfoundmostofour guests standing in a circle exposed. Mr. Mukpo was marching around andordering each of them to do various things. Evidently he had demanded thateveryoneget completelynaked, allbutonewomanhalted this taskatunderwear.Somewerecryingandmanyappearedtobenervous.Atthispoint,Iimagineseniorstudentsreadingthismightfeelencouraged,asitisagainreminiscentofhisfather’s“crazywisdom” behavior.Whenwe hear accountsof such stories from that era, Ithinkit’sworthreflectingonwhichparticipantsremaininourcommunity.Ofthosewhohaveleft,whataretheirexperiences?Inmyexperience,andotherswhoIknowwell,thesemomentsdidnotfeelallthat“enlightened”.Inthisparticularinstance,Iheardthataftermydepartureoneguesttookituponhimself/herselftodisposeofall alcohol. This was after Mr. Mukpo began forcefully biting people, as he wasknowntodoin thepast.Thosewho likelyconsentedtosuchassaultsremarkedtomethathehadleftbruises,whichhadbeendocumentedinphotos.Ivaguelyrecallseeing them.However,mymemory isquitemuddledwithanxietyas I attempt torememberandmuchofthisfeelsunrealasIputitontopaper.To continue on this story, it was reported to me that Mr. Mukpo re-targeted hissexual advances to another woman. She was married with husband present andotherstaffnotedageneralfeelingofdiscomfort.It’sworthnotingthatheseemedtoprefertotargetunavailablewomen,usuallywhilethesignificantotherwaspresent.ThisinstanceledtoaredirectionofMr.Mukpo’sfocusonanothersinglefemalewhoconsentedtoentertainhimandIknowlittleofwhatfollowed.LaterthatnightIruminatedinfrustration,sadnessandanger.Icouldnotreconcilethe helplessness I felt in trying to assist Mr.Mukpo. I felt trapped and seriouslyconsideredleavingimmediately.Iinquiredaboutchangingmyflight,butfoundittobeimpossible.IcalledoneofmyseniorsandrecountedthestorywhileemphasizingthatIintendedtoleaveassoonaspossible.Heencouragedmetogiveitsometime.AsIlayintheKusungstaffbedroomIlookedoveratmyassociatewhowassleeping.IrealizedhowthisteammatehadbecomelikefamilytomeandIfearedthestresshe

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would face without my support. Upon reflection of this moment I realize that itwasn’tmydevotiontoMr.Mukpothatledmetocontinue,butmyallegiancetothosewho struggled tomake use of these experiences. At the time I recounted a storyfromveteranKusungwhowasviolentlyassaultedbyChogyamTrungpa.Knockedtothegroundandkickedmultipletimeswithbootson.Inthatinstanceheconsideredleavingaswell.Hispoint,thatechoedinmymind,was“sometimesbeingaKusungis just about showingup.”For those familiarwith the storiesof theKarmaKagyuBuddhist lineage tracing back hundreds of years, these kinds of assaults areconsidered brilliant moments of teaching: a complex philosophical rationale ofmaking lemonade out of lemons. I truly believe this veteran accomplished hisreframingofthisassaultinawaythatallowedhimtocopeandgainfurtherinsightto Buddhist teachings. Similarly, I also wonder about other senior staff whoeventuallysharedwithmetheirexperiencesofMiphamMukpothrowingdrinksintheirfaceorslappingthem.However,IstillstruggledandevenasIwritethisIfeelguiltfornothavingtheresiliencetoaccomplishsuchatransmutation.Atthesametime I forgive myself for this and acknowledge that my socialization into thistraditionistheillogicalrootofthisguilt.The following morning I “showed up” formy duties to find that Mr. Mukpo wasamidstamajorhangover.Heguidedmethroughasouprecipepassedon fromhisfather as a hangover cure and he slept through the day with the help ofpharmaceuticals.OnceheregainedhisenergyIdecideditwasnecessarytoinquireabouthismemoriesof thepreviousnight.He indicated thathe remembered littleand I proceeded to recountmost of the detailswith focus on the biting. I do notrecall tellinghim thedetailsofhis treatment towardsme.Hewas remorseful andasked“ShouldIstopdrinking?”andIstatedthatitwasnotformetodecide.Seeinghiminthisvulnerablestateofnotremembering,feelingupset,andaskingforhelpgavemehopethathecouldchange.Icontinuedtoserveforthefollowingmonths.Duringtheremainderofmytravelingdutiesandbeyond, Ididnotwitnesseventsthat were as noteworthy. This is likely due to my deliberate efforts to distancemyselfoncethebottlesbegantoopen.Hisdrinkingbingesandprovocativebehaviordidcontinuewithamildtaper.TimeandtimeagainIwouldbuttheadswithseniorstaffandotherKusungaboutcuttingoffalcoholservice.Onmostoftheseinstancesmy efforts resulted in suboptimal results. Regardless, it appeared to me that hisdrinkingwasgettingalittlebetter.SimilarlyInoticed,atthattime,thathisrelationstowomen improved aswell. Many veteran Kusungwould remark tome thatmypresencewashavingapositiveinfluenceonhisconduct.ThismademewonderhowmuchworsethingsmusthavebeenbeforeIcamealong.Throughout thisperiod,mydutytoregulatehisdrinkingwasnotmyonly task. Itwas also common forme to be his emissary in delivering invitations to romanticinterests.Thisunconventionalexperiencemaybehardforotherstofathom,buttherealityofhis rolemade itdifficult at times toconvey suchcommunicationsonhisown.ItwasnotuncommonatretreatcentersandinBoulderorHalifaxforhimtobestopped by people in devotional conversation that required his full and at times

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prolonged attention.Havingwitnessed this I empathizedwith him and obliged inthe awkward transaction with women. Acknowledging the power differential, Iwould usually emphasize to invitees that there was no pressure and that theyshould not feel obligated to entertain his invitation. I did not indicate that therewouldbenegativerepercussionsoftheirsaying“no.”Idonotrememberstatingthathewishedtoparticipateinsexualactivitywiththem.Nordidherequestmetosayso.However,Iassumethatmostpeopleknewthatsomeformofphysicalintimacywaslikelythecase.Acknowledgingthatitishardtoteaseouttheaffectsofdevotionfromsexualdesire,themajority of these communicationswerewithwomenwho seemed to expressromantic interest as well. There were a couple of instances where women haddeclinedandIdidnotobservedirectrepercussionsfortheirdecision.Forthosewhodid accept, many were led to Mr. Mukpo’s abode and I know nothing of whatoccurred thereafter. These women were sometimes one-time guests and otherswould frequent for the period of weeks depending on the duration of our visitcalendar.Markingyetanotheraspectofcomplexity inhisbeingable tomaintainastable consistent relationship: our travel itinerary was quite busy. Much like aspiritualrockandrolllifestyle.Pleaseknowthatthesestatementsareinnowayanexcuseforanabuseofhispositionofpower.Thesearesimplymyobservationsandpersonalrationaleatthetime.AftermyreviewofProjectSunshine,ItriedtorecalliftherewereinstanceswhereIwitnessedactsoffranksexualassault.I’mawareofthedefinitionofsuchathingandIadmit that Ihavenoobviousmemoryofsuch.Thatsaid,overtheyears Ididseeandhearofmanywomenwhofeltdisheartened,hurtandconfusedbytheirintimateexperienceswithMr.Mukpo.I’veseenanumberofthemleavethecommunityandafew terminate communication altogether. I know of others who shared theseobservationsanddealtwithitinthesamewaythatIdid:avoidance.Ifeelashamedas I read my own words, wishing that I had provided support for them. WithcertaintyIknowthattheirpainandconfusionisvastlymoreseverethanmyown.AtthispointIfeelit’simportanttomentionthatoverthecourseofthesecondhalfofmytravels,Mr.Mukpoindicatedthatitwashiswishtohavemoreintegrityinhis“relationships” with women. It appeared to me that he was finally consideringsettling down. This was marked with the termination of most if not all of hisstandingrelationships.Heseemeddeterminedtofindsomestability.Notlongaftermytour,Ifoundoutabouthisengagementwithhiswife.Tomylimitedknowledge,the bulk of his known experiences with female students ended with theirengagement. Currently, I can’t help but wonder about the timing of theabovementioned letter and his efforts to improve his drinking and intimaterelationships. What was/were this disturbing event(s) that happened before mytourthatIwasshieldedfrom?As an aside, duringmy final year as a Continuity Kusung I experiencedmultipleotherinstancesofwhatmostoutsideofthistraditionwouldconsiderpsychological

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abuse. To start, a ContinuityKusung receiving compliments fromMr.Mukpowasgenerally very rare. Conversely, he occasionally reminded me that I wasunimportant without him. On a couple of occasions he made jokes about howunattractiveIwasandthathedidn’tunderstandhowwomenweredrawntome.Idistinctly remember him boasting that “Continuity Kusung only attract womenbecauseofme.”Ionlysharetheseasanexampleofhowthispreacherofkindnesswouldtreathismostdevotedservants.Suretheywerelikelysaidinjest,butthesewordshurtmeinawaythatI’vestruggledtomakeuseof.Inthisspiritualdynamic,a teacher’swordscarriedweightandhewaswellawareof that.Keep inmindwewereallcomplicitincountlessflatterysessionsthatwefelttobeourdutyinordertocounterhisfrequentepisodesofobviousinsecurity.Itappearedhejustcouldn’tgetenoughcompliments.Neartheendofmytravelswithhim,therehadbeenconversationofmycontinuingforanindefiniteamountoftimewiththetitleofAttaché.Themerethoughtofthisexhaustedme.MuchlikethosepreviousstaffmembersIhadseenonmyfirstday,Iwasnearingtheendofmytether.Othersnoticedmyburnedoutconductandthiswas upsetting to me as I felt I was becoming a blemish on Mr. Mukpo’srepresentation.Ibegantoscrambletofindareplacementtofilltheroleandfinessedthis agenda intoMr.Mukpo’spurview.Eventually I succeededand this eagernewrecruitwasreadytojumpinfollowingourreturnfromanexhaustingtriptoTibet.My final moments in this capacity were bittersweet and I remember Mr. Mukpotellingmeforthefirstandlasttime“Iloveyou”justpriortoheadingtotheairport.FortheyearsfollowingI’dstruggledwithtryingtofindbalancebetweenmyservicetoMr.Mukpowhiletraversingmymedicaltraining.Itookeveryopportunitytooffermyexperience tohishouseholdandbeyond. All thewhile I felthauntedby thesememories that did not coincide with what had initially inspired me to becomeBuddhist.Ifoundmyselfcopinginunhealthymannersandinunstablerelationships.ThisledtoapainfuldivorceinvolvingsomeoftheclosestmembersofMr.Mukpo’sstaff.Duringthis timeIhadthechancetodiscussthisexperiencewithhimandhewas far from sympathetic. In fact, he voiced his irritation and blame for bringingdramaintohishome.Hefollowedthiswithaninsultfartoopersonalandcomplextomentionhere.Again,manystudentsof vajrayanaBuddhismwould consider this aformofteaching.Sadly,tothisdayIhavenotbeenabletomakesuchreconciliationwithout dismissingmy own true feelings and the feelingsof otherswho have feltharmed.AsaBuddhistIbelievethatfeelingsaredevoidofanyrealexistencewhile,atthesametime,highlyinformativeandnottobediscarded.Soon aftermy graduation frommedical school I decided it best to take a distantstancefromShambhalaandsimplyfocusonmycareer.Iwasmatchedtoresidencytraining in New York Citywhere I hunkered down inmywork. Thismarked thebeginningofarockyperiodofhealingofwhichIfeelisnearingitsend.Duringmyresidency Ihadextensiveexposure to traumapatients.Listening to thesepatientsand providing them with support became one of my primary avenues forunderstanding my past. I continued to practice meditation and also engaged in

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therapyformyself.Allofthese,coupledwiththegenerousandongoingsupportofmy friends and family, have culminated in my ability to elaborate on theseexperiencesthatI’msharingwithyounow.Sincemydeparture fromColorado in2014, I’vehadtheopportunity tohearmanyotherstoriessuchasmyown.I’veseennumerouscloseSakyongstaffmoveon.Asthere is a trend of high staff turnover that is well known in Shambhala, I’vewonderedabouttheexperiencesthatother,farremoved,formerdevoteeshavehad.Formyself,I’mstillinaprocessofintegratingmythoughtsandfeelingsaboutallofthis.Infact,havingtheopportunitytosharethemhasbeensurprisinglyhelpful.IfeelitsimportanttotakeamomenttohonorthosewhohavesimilarlyservedMr.Mukpowhomaywishtoshare,butforwhateverreason,areunabletodoso.Iknowofmanymorebeyondthegroupendorsingthisstatement.Thedecisiontoreleasethis statement was very difficult for me, for obvious reasons. Because of that, Irespect those who have decided to not speak or remain anonymous. Theserelationshipdynamicsarehighlycomplex.Ittakestimetoprocess.Nottomentiontheproposedspiritualandsocialconsequencesofbetrayingyourteacherandfriend.KnowingallthetrialsandtribulationsMr.Mukpo’sexperienced,Istillfeelgenuineconcernforhimandhisfamily.BUTpeoplearesufferingbecauseofhisactionsandit’spossible that those closest tohimare currentlybeingdupedbyhis superficialgesturesof restitution,whileplaying thevictim to thosewhowillhave it.Yes, I’mveryfamiliarwithhisuseofthistactic.Ithinkit’sonlyfairthatInotpropagatethisideaofhis rolebeingabove theethics that apply tousall, asdoing so couldhavetremendouspainfulramifications for thiscommunity.Wealreadyhaveundeniableexamplesofhowothershavesufferedunderthisspiritualmodel.To conclude, I have countless thoughts around the ethical, psychological, andsociological issues thathave led to this currentpredicament. I find I’mrepeatedlysayingtomyself“Donotthrowthebabyoutwiththebathwater.”Attimeswhoorwhatthe“baby”isconfusesme.I’veveeredintothenarrow-sightedlogicoftryingtosimplifythisman’sconductassomeonewhohasaproblemwithalcoholandwomen.Fortunatelyforme,Inowhaveenoughunderstandingofthehumanpsychetoknowthattheseissuesarefarmorecomplexandmalignant.Despitehisvoicedintentionofcreatinga“cultureofkindness”,mycurrentobservationisthatwearestillinthemidstofacultureoffearandabuseofpowerinfluencedbylongstandingbeliefsthatneed to be further called into question. For those following spiritual leaderswhojustify this kind of behavior, keep in mind the blinders they might wear whileexplainingtheirrationale.Much likemanyotherreligions, thisparticular traditionstillhasgenerationsofworktodobeforeitfullyaddressestheentrenchedculturalpatriarchy fromwhich it has flourished. Iwish you all clarity in this process andthankyouforyourpatienceintoleratingmylengthymonologue.

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DavidEllertonFebruary2019MynameisDavidEllertonandIhavebeeninvolvedintheShambhalaCommunitysince1995.IhaveservedasaKusunginvariouscapacitiesfrom1999until2013(whenmylastformalshiftoccurred).Thisservicevariedintermsoflengthandresponsibility,rangingfromsingle,dailyshifts—eitheratvariousresidencesorevents—to"campaigns,"whichinvolvedweek(s)ormonth(s)longstretchesatthecommunity'sretreatcenters.IalsotravelledasaContinuityKusungfromJuly2001untilSeptemberof2002andservedasRegionalKusungOfficerfromlate2006toearly2008,thelatterofwhichinvolvedthescheduling,trainingandsupervisingofallaspectsrelatedtoKusungfortheRockyMountainregion.InadditiontomyworkinthecapacityasKusung,Iheldotherpaidandunpaidpositionsinthecommunity,includingenvironmentstaffatoneofthecommunity'sretreatcenters,ResidentDirectorofShambhalaTraining,MeditationInstructor,andCoordinatorofprograms.Iamheartbroken.Isignthisletterinsolidaritywiththosewhohaveexperiencedharminthiscommunity.

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CraigMormanFebruary2019IwasparticipantinShambhalafrom1995untilaround2015.Iservedinavarietyofrolesthroughouttheyears.IwastheRusungofShambhalaMountainCenter,aSergeantintheDorjeKasung,ameditationinstructor,andtheDirectorofCasaWermainMexico.IalsoservedasaKusunginanumberofcapacitiesfrom1997-2015,includingservingasContinuityKusungfromearly2002toearly2003approximately.Ihavebeenkeepingsecretsformanyyears,Iwon’tdoitanymore.ThereisnowaythatIcouldpossiblydescribetheentiretyofShambhala´scultureofexploitationandabuseinashortstatement.IwilllimitmycommentsprimarilytomyexperiencewiththeKusung.BeforeproceedingIneedtosaythatmanyoftheworstexamplesofabuseandexploitationthatIhavewitnessedandexperiencedhappenedfarawayfromtheCourtandoftenhadnothingtodowithsexuality,butthatisforanothertime.MyfirstexperienceofShambhalawasasamemberofthesummerstaffatShambhalaMountainCenterin1995.ItwasthefirstyearthatitwascalledRMSC,about4monthsafterthe“enthronement”.Iveryquicklyfoundthemeditationpracticetobebothchallengingandhelpfulanddevelopedadailypractice.ThenextsummerIjoinedtheKasungoutofamixtureofcuriosityandfear.Iwasacceptedtothe1997Vajryanaseminary.ItwastherethatIwasinvitedtojointheKusung.MyexposuretotheCourtgraduallyincreasedforacoupleofyears.ItstartedasaKasungsittingoutsideofthehouse,ordrivingthecar.Thenmorningsandafternoonsservingteaandfood,learninghowtoironandthingsofthatsort.Exposuretotherealityofthingswasincrementalbasedonhowmuchonecouldhandle:isheorshegoingto“getit”?Inlate2000orearly2001Mr.MukpoinvitedabunchofyoungmenoutfordrinkstoabarinBoulder.HeproclaimeditthefirstmeetingoftheYMBA,theYoungMen´sBuddhistAssociation.AnumberofcurrentShambhalaleaderswerepresentthatnight.SomewaythroughtheeveninghecalledmeoverandtoldmethatIshouldcontinuetotrainashistravelingKusung.WeagreedthatIwouldserveforayearwhenIgraduatedfromNaropa,yeahIdidthattoo.

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TheYMBAeveningwentonuntilwellafterthebarshadclosed.AgroupofusendedupinthelivingroomofasmallBoulderapartmentdrinkingheavily.AtonepointMr.Mukpostartedscreamingdharmaquestionsatusandpointing,demandingananswer.Hisresponsetoeachanswerwastoscream”WEAKVIEW!”.Thiswasoneofmyfirsttastesofthegoodstuff.Thecrazystuff.Itwasreallyfun,tobehonest.Iwasjusthappytobethereaswesatinacirclearoundhimandjumpedupscreamingourrefugenamesashepointedtous.Italkedtooneparticipantaboutitadayorsolater.HeaskedwhatIhadthoughtofthenight.WhenInaivelytoldhimthatIhadhadagreattime,heintimatedthatoneguestinparticularhadfounditdisturbing,andthatthe“teaching”hadn’tbeenallthathelpful.TheyarebothAcharyasnow.I’dbecurioustoheartheircurrentviews.MytourstartedinHalifax.ItwasthefirsttimeMr.MukpohadstayedintheNorthwestArmhouse.ImethimthereashewasreturningfromIndia,hehadlostalotofweightonalowcarbdiet.Thefirsttwoweeksinthehousewereacycleofparty/recover/shop-to-stock-new-home/party-repeat.Thereweresomemeetingsandteachingmixedin,butthatperiodwasfocusedoncelebrating.Itwasn’tlongafterstartingthetourthatwetraveledtoChileforateachingvisit.Mostofthevisitwasunremarkable.Neartheendoftheteachingcycletherewasafinaldinneratthehomeofasanghamember.ThisisthenightthatwasdetailedintheBuddhistProjectSunshine(BPS)reports.Iwillpresentmyrecollectiontothebestofmyability.Thedinnerstartedoffquitepolitely,conversation,thankyou´s,andsoon.AsIrecall,localpeoplehadtakenoverthebulkoftheservice,soIspentmostoftheearlypartofthenighthelpinginthekitchen.Atsomepointtheservingstaffwereinvitedtocometothefront.Ibelieveitwasthehostwhostoodandopenedafairlyimpressiveliquorcabinet.ThecookandIsharedalook,concerned.Thenightworeonandthecrazywisdomcamebackout.Writingaboutthispartofitjustkindofboresme.IhadonlybeenontheroadforthreeorfourweeksandIwasalreadygettingtiredofthatcrap.Itdidn’thappenallthetime,butIwasalreadywonderingwhyithappenedatall.

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AtsomepointIhadhadenoughandcheckedout.Iwentandsatinachairinanearbyroom,anoffice.Ihadn’tyetlearnedthatmyprimaryjobwastoprotectMr.Mukpofromhimself.TothisdayIfeelshame.MymemoryofwhathappenednextdiffersveryslightlyfromwhatwasreportedbyBPS.IfeelitismyobligationtotellthingsasIrememberthem.Itwas15yearsago,soIcanonlysaywhatIremember.Iwassittinginthechairstewing.IlookedupandsawMr.MukpoandtheyoungwomanfromthereportwalkingintowhatIbelievedtobeabedroom.Anotherguestclosedthedoorbehindthem.ThatguestiscurrentlyanAcharya.Myangertowardhiminthatmomentwasphysical.Icouldn’tbelievehewoulddothat.Iwasjustlearningthatitwasnormal.IhadmetthiswomanearlierandIdidnotthinkshewouldfinditappropriate.IfeltthattheAcharyawasencouraginghertosleepwithhimbyclosingthedoor.IcannotsayforcertainwhathappenedbehindcloseddoorssoIdefertotheaccountgivenbythevictim.Ihavenoreasontodoubt.Aftersometime,Idon’trememberhowlong,theKasungonduty,alocalwoman,cameandtoldmethatshewastired,andthatthehostwoulddriveushome.Sheforgottogivemethekeystotheapartment.Overthesametimespanmostoralloftheguestsleft.Thewomancameoutoftheroomveryupset.SomehowIwounduptalkingtoherforawhileonabalcony.Shetoldmesomeofwhathadhappened.IgottheimpressionthatMr.Mukpohadforcefullytriedtogethertohavesexwithhim.Iwasnottoldthatshehadbeenlocked-in,orthathehadforcedhertotouchhim.Whatshetoldmewasbadenough,butshedidnottellmethatpart.Ionlyrememberpiecesoftheconversation,mostlyofmetryingtorationalizethebehaviorinsometantricsensewhilestilltryingtobesupportive.Again,Ifeelshame.Therestofthestoryismuchastoldbyothers.Ikepthissecretfor15years.IsmiledandsaidthatIhadagreattimeinChile.Idodgedquestionsandavoidedpeoplewhohadheardrumorsabout“somethinghappening”.IhadpassedontheinformationtomysuperiorsandjustblockedthewholeexperienceoutthebestIcould.AfterayearorsotheinterestdieddownandIjustkindofcarriedit,neverspeakingtoanyone,andImeananyone,aboutthatnight.

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That’showitworks.Wedidn’teventalktoeachother.Ifwehad,wewouldhaveunderstoodjusthowwidespreaditwas.WeneedmoreKusungtotalk.Thenwecanseewhatenlightenedsocietyisreallybuilton.Mr.Mukpowasbothabusiveandtender.Heseemedreallylonely.Heshuteveryoneout.Sometimeshewouldbrieflyshowvulnerabilityonlytocoveritupagain.AfteralongdayinFortCollinswewenttosomebars.2Kusung,Mr.Mukpoandoneguest,aman.AsthenightworeonMr.MukpostartedflirtingwithalocalFt.CollinswomanwhowasnotconnectedwithShambhala,thismademenervous.Hewasalreadyverydrunk.IwassoberwhilemyfellowKusungwasalsodrinking,hewasthegoodcopthatnight.AstheysatatthebarasMr.Mukposlurredcome-onssuchas“areyouasexualperson?”totheyoungwoman.AtonepointsheaskedmeifIwasokay.SheaskedbecauseIwasstandingwithmybodytouchingMr.Mukpoatthemidlineofthetwoofthem,justlookingstraightforward.Ineededtobecloseincasehedidsomething.HekepttellingtheotherKusung,“tellherwhoIam”.AfterthebarclosedwewentbacktoSMC.AsIdroveupthemountainroad,Mr.Mukposatwithhisfeetoutthewindowsandtalkedtomycompanionabouthowwonderfulthewomanfromthebarwas.MycompanionmadeajokethatIseconded.Mr.Mukpoleptfromthebackseat,screamed“who´stalkingtoyouasshole?!”andbitmesohardthatIlostclarityinmyvisionforamomentduetothepain.Icouldhavekilledusall.Hebitmetwoorthreetimesmore.AswearrivedatSMCMr.MukpoorderedmycompaniontocalltheSMCrusungonthe2wayradio.Mr.Mukpomadehimsayridiculousthings.BecausetherearemanypeoplewiththoseradiosatSMCwordgotoutveryquickly.ThisupsetmembersoftheCourtand,totheircredit,somethreatenedtoleavethatyear.WhenconfrontedaboutthatnightbytheKusungleadership,MrMukpo´sresponsewas“TheKusungneedtobebettertrained”ThatishowtheKingreceivesfeedback.AftermytourIfellintoaseriouscrisisthatlastedaroundtwoyears.HardlyanyonefromShambhalatalkedtomeduringthatperiod.AfterIhaddraggedmyselfoutofitIstartedtoreappearalittlebitwithinthecommunity.Afriendtoldme“wewereallprettyworriedaboutyou.”Noonesaiditwhenitwouldhavemattered.

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IdidKusungshiftssporadicallyovertheyearssince,butneverfeltcomfortablegettingcloseagain.IwouldlaterturnmyattentiontotheKasungandlandcentersasItriedtomaintainaconnection.Thoseexperiencesarewhatfinallydrovemetoleavethecommunity.IenabledMrMukpo´sabuseasheabusedme.Hethinkshecanclearthingsupbywritingletters.Inhismostrecenthesays“Iambeginningtounderstandhowthepowerdynamicsbetweenmyselfasateacherandmystudentscouldcausepainandconfusionincertainsituations.”Firstofall,whywouldittakesolong?Moreimportantly,itseemsthathehasknownallalongthatheiscausingpain.Heisn’tlikelytochangenow.Hedoesseemtowanttokeepgettingpaid.Thisstatementisjumbledandincomplete,itisthebestpresentationIcouldmusterofthemostpertinentdetails.IfeelsadnessandregretonbehalfofthepeoplewhowereharmedbyMr.Mukpo.IfeelshamethatIinspiredsomanyotherstofollowhimandpossiblyleadthemintoharm’sway.IfeellikeafoolthatIcouldhavebeensodeceivedforsolong.Tobefairtoallofus,itisacleverdeception.

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LauraLeslieFebruary2019Iamangry.IamangrywithShambhala.AcommunityIcametothatseemedwarmandunderstandingandofferedthepromiseofahealthyculture.AsImovedcloserandclosertotheleadershipandMr.Mukpohimself,itbecameclearthatinsteadacultureofabuseandrampantsexismtricklesdownfromMr.Mukpotoallbelowhim.AlongthewayIexpressedconcernstomypeersandtheleadershipandwasdismissed,insultedorplacatedeverytime.Dismissingmeasanangry,hystericalperson,whodoesn’tseeclearly,isatime-honoredwaytosilenceawoman.Frommuchofmypreviousleadersandpeers,IexpectthatIwillgetthesamereactionsnow.But,Ihopethatsomeofyououttheremayhearthisandfind,reflectedinmystories,truthslongsilencedinShambhala.IamalsoangryanddevastatedatmanyofthechoicesImadethatluredandkeptmeinwhatIknewwasanunhealthyenvironment.Myowndesiretofitin,myownambitionstogetthenextpin,myownmomentsoffeelingspecialorpowerful-Iletthesedictatemychoicesandoverridemyintuitionandmorals.AsIdid,Ibecamepartoftheproblem.TheworldoutsideofShambhalaiswakinguptotheinsidiousnatureofsexismandassault.‘Small’commentsinlockerroomscanleaddirectlytorapeandworse.Leaderscreatecultureswhereeverydaysexismcondonesrape.Shambhalalikestopretendthattheyarethemost‘awake’-themostenlightened–butShambhalaisfallingbehind.Withitscontinueddefensivenessandvictimblamingour‘King’inhisrobesbecomestheworstexampleofhypocrisy.AbuseoccursateverylevelofthemandalaandMr.Mukpoisthereferencepointthatbothimplicitlyandexplicitlyfostersit.Itracemyexperienceoftheabuseclimbingtothetophere.WhileIwasneverpersonallyassaultedbyMr.Mukpo,thereisnodoubtinmymindthatmanywere.Iwas20yearsoldwhenIfoundShambhalainNewYorkCity.IwasexcitedtofindnewfriendsandasafespiritualcommunitywhereIcouldlearnandgrow,soIdoveinheadfirst–takingalltheclassesandquicklybecomingavolunteerfornumeroushourseachweek.IsoonorganizedalargefundraisingeventandwashonoredthatthePresidentofShambhalahimselfwouldbethere.ExcitedtomeetthePresident,amaninhis60’s,Iapproachedhimtoservedrinksandsnacks.Hetookholdofmyarm,pulledmeclose,grabbedastrawberry,andwhilestaringatmybreasts,toldmeIwasjustaslusciousasthefruitandhowluckyweretheythatIwastheretoservethem.HestoodwithamaleAcharyaandthemaleleaderofNYCShambhala,allthreelaughed.

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ThePresident,the‘civilian’leaderofShambhalahadjustturnedmeintoasexualobjectandajoke.Iwashumiliated.OvertheyearsIlearnedfromotherwomenthathefrequentlyusedhispositionofpowertoseduceandharassthem.IwasofficestaffinNewYorkandhelpingawomanvolunteer.Amalecolleagueverballyattackedherforhergenderandsexualorientation.Isteppedinandtoldhimtostop.Hegotinmyface,pushingmebackwhileyellingatme.Thevolunteerleftandneverreturned.Mybossofferedtomediatebetweenthiscolleagueandmyself.InthemeetingheonceagainproceededtoyellatmeuntilIwasintears.Mybossdeemeditasuccessfulmediationandsentusbothbacktowork.Iwasscaredofhimeverydaythatweworkedinthatofficetogether.Ilearnedlaterthatthismalecolleagueregularlyhurtotherwomen.Hismalesuperiordeemedhisactionsacceptable;whywouldhetrytobedifferent?Onretreat,inatinymeditationroom,mymucholdermalemeditationinstructorleanedforward,putbothhandsonmykneesandwhisperedthatthereweremanywayshecouldteachme.(AKA,wink-wink,hecouldteachmetofuck.)Hewasmeanttohelpmewithmymindfulnessandinsteadhetriedtomeethisownsexualagenda.Ilefttheroomshaking.IaskedforanewinstructorandafterbeingtoldthatIwascausingtroubleandbeingannoyinginthisrequest,wasgivenone.Hestayedattheretreatandworkedwithmultipleotheryoungwomen.Ihavenoideahowmanyhemayhavetouchedagainsttheirwill,butIdoknowhereceivednofeedbackforwhathedidtome.Retreatafterretreat,deeperinandwitheachnewlayermoreinsults.But,IwashookedsoIstayedandIbegantopushback.Ibegantoaskeveryonehowandwhenitwouldchange.IaskedeveryfemaleAcharyaandShastriwhytherewassuchsexism.Almostasiftrainedintheirresponses,theyalltoldmethatinVajrayanaBuddhismmaleandfemaledidnotexist,thereforeeverydaysexismwasemptyandifIpracticedmoreIwouldseethis.IwasaskedtobeaKusung-in-Training(KIT).Iwasthrilled.IwashonoredtobeintheheartofEnlightenedSocietyandserveMr.Mukpodirectly.OnmyfirstshiftattheCourtIwasapproachedandtoldthatIcouldnotbeaKIT.Mr.Mukpo’swifeneededattendants,andherattendants(Shabchi)hadtobewomen.IwaspolitelytoldthatthiswouldbemyonlywaytoserveintheCourt,butthatthiswastrueservice.ThatbyfollowingMr.Mukpo’swishesandservingMrs.MukpoitwasthegreatestofferingIcouldmaketohim.But,Iwaspissed.So,IkeptfightingtobeaKIT.Meanwhile,IwasmadeAidetotheCounciloftheMakkyiRabjam(CMR).TheCMRdeterminesallKasungactivitiesandpractices,buttheyarealsomenwhoholdleadershipinmultipleotherareasofShambhala.Whileinameeting,whereIwassilentlytakingnotesonhowtoprotecttheSangha,amemberoftheCMRtoldmeIlookedlikeasexyteacherandthatifhewereyoungerhewouldwantmetoscold

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him.TheothermenintheroomlaughedthenwentbacktomakingpolicyaboutcommunityprotectionandDharmapractice.Turningafemalesubordinateintoasexualjokeisnotalaughingmatter.Allthemenintheroomthoughtitwas.Thejokeisthatamanwhoclaimstobetheultimateprotectorabusesawomanunderhisprotection.WhilefightingtobeaKIT,IspenthoursasaShabchidirectlyservingMrs.Mukpo,helpingwiththechildrenandcleaningandcleaning.ThemoretimeIspentattheCourttherealizationseepedinthattheproblemsIsawinthewidercommunitystemmedfromtheCourtitself.InalmosteverymomentIcouldobserveformsofsexismandpowerplays.Delusional,IthoughtthatifIwereaKITinsteadofaShabchithiswouldbebetter.IpleadedwitheverymanIcouldthinkoftobecomeaKusungandwastoldtowait.WhileIwasshuttledtothesideallmymalepeersbecameKusungandweremuchclosertoMr.Mukpo.IntheCourttheShabchiweretreatedliketheywerelessvaluablethantheKusung.WhilethemaleKusungpreened,stoodaroundanddidall-importantdutiesforMr.Mukpo,wecleanedtoiletsandkepthouseinadditiontoservingMrs.Mukpoandtheirchildren.IonceaskedaKusungoftheDaytohelpmewithlaundryandironing,forthehousehold,andIwastoldhecouldnothelp,ashehadtobeavailablejustincaseMr.Mukponeededtea.ThegeneralatmosphereintheCourtwasonesoakedinancientpatriarchy.AtapartywithmypeersIcomplainedtoMr.Mukpo’smostseniorstaffpersoninBoulderabouttheproblemsofequalityattheCourt.Hetoldmethatif“youwerelessofabitchandaskedforthingsinalessangrymanner”,thenmaybethingscouldchange.HehelpedsetthetoneforeveryoneattheCourtandinhisopinion;acalmwomanwithavalidopinionwasabitch.HespentcountlesshourswithMr.Mukpo,Iimaginelearningthesevaluablelessons.ItoldtheheadoftheKusungthatIwouldquitallmyvolunteertimeattheCourtifIwerenotmadeaKIT.Thenextday,IwasinvitedtobeaKITaslongasIcontinuedmyShabchishiftsinequalamounts.IdidmyfirstshiftasaKIT.Iwassoproudtobetherewearingmybestsuit.Attheendofa12-hourshift,feelingelated,Mr.Mukpowalkedbyme,pattedmeonthestomachandtoldmeIwasfat.HismaleContinuityKusung,mypeer,laughedatme.Ihaverarelyfeltmorehumiliated.Inthatmomentsomethinginsidemedied–myfightandmyanger.Now,allIfeltwassadness.NowIknewforsurethatMr.Mukpodidindeedsetthetone.Ihadtriedtoblameitonhiswife.Ihadtriedtoblameitonthemensurroundinghim.But,ultimatelyasthe‘King’hesetstheprecedent.

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Ihadhadenough.IfeltlikenomatterhowmuchIfoughtitwouldneverchange.Thatthesexismwassoingraineditwouldnotmove.Partofitwasalargersenseofdepressioninhowcommunitymemberstreateachother.Shambhala,asfarasIcouldtell,wasnotinanywayacultureofkindness.Alltheenergy,effortandcertainlymoney,wenttotheMukpos,whilecommunitymemberswereneglected.Theconstantpressure,thegamesbetweenpeersandthelackofhonestymademeseethateachpersonhadtochange,beginningwithMr.Mukpo.And,Ibecamedisgustedwithmyselfandashamedthatthewoolhadbeenpulledovermyeyes–thatItoohadsilencedpeopleandputpositionovercareofothers.ThatwomenhadtoldmeoftheirhurtsandthatIhadplacated.Ihadbecomepartofthemachineryofnormalizingabuse,slowlygrowingblindertoallthe‘isms’playingout.Doingso,Ihurtpeople,andforthisIamsorry.IlefttheShambhalacommunityin2016becauseMr.MukpowasabusiveandInolongerthoughtthatthecommunitycouldchange.Mostofthemensurroundinghimknewit.Mostofthemeninleadershiproleswereeitherabusersthemselvesorwitnesseditandsilentlyendorsedit.IleftbecauseIknewunlesssomethingradicalhappeneditwouldneverchange.Then,somethingradicaldidhappenanditstillisnotchanging.WhentheWickwireHolmReportwasreleased,inthenextparagraphtheInterimBoardaskedformoney.Theyalwaysaskformoney,buttheaccusationsagainstMr.Mukpoofclergysexualmisconductandanabuseofpowerhadjustbeenconfirmed.IwasdeeplyoffendedthattheimmediateconcernwasnotthevictimsbutthefinancialhealthofShambhalaandMr.Mukpohimself.Howaboutinsteadafundtohelpvictimsheal?IthenreceivedanemailtoallKusungaskingmetopracticeforMr.Mukpo’slonglife.Nomentionofpeoplebeingharmedbyhim–justlonglifefortheabuser.WhenMr.Mukpoapologized,therewasnorealclaimofculpabilityortrueremorse.AsfarasIcanseeit’sbusinessasusual:Thevictimswillbeplacated,thenpushedout,thensilencedordiscreditedandthe‘King’willshinehypocrisyfromthethrone.Whilesomemeninpowerhavemadesymbolicretirements,muchoftheleadershiphasnotchanged.ThesemenarestillinternalleadersandtheyarestillMr.Mukpo’senablers,nowit’sbehindacurtain.Thesearethemenwholaughatharassmentandallowacultureofrapetoflourish.Myexperiencesarethetipoftheiceberg.Thereisnosuchthingas‘small’abuse.Therehastobeanentireoverhaulofhowpeopletreateachother.Changehastohappenfromallsidesandbyallmembersandinthisinsulated,abusivehierarchyithastohappenfromthetopaswell.Aslongaspeoplekeepfundingandsupportingthispowerstructure,thereisnotruemotivationtochange.WeallmadeoathsofloyaltyandsecrecyandMr.Mukpobrokethoseoathswhenheabusedhispower.Ihopethatthecommunitycanconfronthimandthemselvesdirectlyandthatthefoundationsofhisthronecrumblesotruehealingcanemerge.

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AllyaF.CanepaFebruary2019 “Asithasbeensaid:Thelion’scorpsewillnotbeeatenbyotherwildanimals;ratheritwillbeconsumedbywormsfromwithin.”~DorjeDradulofMukpo,TheCourtVision&Practice,Chapter10-CorruptionIhavemanystoriesandmuchtosharebutIamafraidtosaytoomuch.SoIthoughtitwouldbebesttostartwithmyself.AlthoughIhadlivedonly7milesfromKarmêChölinginVermontsince1984,andattendedTrungpa’scremationattheinvitationofachildhoodfriend,IdidnotenterShambhalauntil1992whenIcametohelpwithmarketing.Ihadbeen“discovered”asapossibleliaisontothelocalcommunity.Vermontersarestandoff-ishatbestandKarmêChölingwasviewedasasourceofgreatentertainment.SoIunderstoodtheproblemShambhalafaced.Mycolleague,andoneofmyfirstShambhalafriends,wasMr.Mukpo’sthencurrent“girlfriend”.IrememberhowIperceivedtheirrelationship,noteditseveraltimes,andcommentedonitatleastonce.IattendedPemaChodron’sfamous“WhenThingsFallApart”dathun,amonthlongmeditationpracticeprogramatKarmêChölingin1993,finishedtheSacredPathofWarriorshipandotherrequisitestudiesintimetopartakeofMr.Mukpo’s2nd3-monthseminary,oneofthelastlongsummerprogramstobeheldatShambhalaMountain,thesummerof1994.Iwasaninstantaneoustruebeliever.ThatfallIwasinvitedtodomyfirstKIT(Kusung-in-training)shift.OneafternoonIwashandedabottleoflotionandwastoldthatMr.Mukpowantedhisfeetandlegsmassaged.Easyenough.Iwentintohisroomwherehesatinhiswing-backedchair.I’mquitesureheworeonlyhisbathrobeasitwaseasytomassagehisfeetandlowerlegs.Idoubtthathehadanythingelseon.Idon’trememberexactlywhatheaskedme,somethingalongthelinesof,“whatdoyouthinkofmyfeet?”WhatIdorememberclearlyislookingupathimandasking,“isthatvanity,sir?”andhesaid,“Yes,I’mafraiditis.”AfterIlefttheroom,histravellingKusungsaid,“ah,thescentofthelineage”.Istillrememberthesmellofthepearlotionheusedforyears.Iwasdisappointedwhenhechangedbrands.Inolongerknewwhatthelineagesmelledlike.Isawsomanyversionsofthatscenethroughoutmy25yearsinMr.Mukpo’sentourage.Iamhard-pressedtocountthem.Thisflashofbeginningdevotion,thewayheusedhispersonalpower,aforeshadowingofhisdownfall.

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OvertheyearsIhaveoftenthoughtaboutwhatImightwrite.AtonepointIbrieflyaspiredtobetheKalapaCourthistorian.Evennowitismuchtoobigofastorytounveilaloneandclearlytooterrifyingformepersonally.Isob,shake,somethinglikeamuffledscreamwantstocomeout.OrIsimplyfreeze.Iamtoldthatisthenatureoftrauma.AlthoughIhavebeenactivelyengagedintraumaresolutionandintegration(psychiatry,psychotherapy,AAandAl-Anon,bodywork,creativegrouptherapyetc.)for2.5years,whenIhearthewordtrauma,Istillbelievethatmustbeaboutsomeoneelse.Inaway,Isupposeit’sboth.RecentlyIwokeupfromadreamwhereI’mstandinginafieldofdeadbodies.The“forgottenwarriorsofShambhala”ishowwerefertotheminourliturgy.TheunknownvictimsofabusewithintheconfinesofanerodingfortressishowIseethem.Themanyofusthatgaveourwholeselvesinserviceofavisionthatwebelievedwasgood,andwhoarenowdevastatedtofeelthatourgiftwashardlyappreciated.Asadrealizationcompoundedbythesensationthat“we”aretheoneswhohelpedtransformthisordinarypersonintoaninsatiableking.Itisimpossibleformetosummarizemy25yearsofexperienceandobservationinashortdocument.Ifthecommunitywantstoknowmore,thenmorewillcomefromallofus.Basedonmyaccumulatedmemoriesandperceptions,IcansaythatIunconditionallysupportthesurvivorsandthosewhohavetriedtobringforthstoriesthatruncontrarytothepublicfacepresentedbyShambhalaandourwould-beking.Wemightnotalwaysgetourfactsstraight,itmightcomeoutcrazyandjumbled,butwe,thesurvivors,areontosomething,whateverweasindividualswouldliketocallit.IpersonallyliketothinkthatIamwitnessingthedeathofpatriarchalrulealtogether.At36IhadconvincedmyselfthatIwasoutofharm’sreachbecauseImanagedtosteermostlyclearofmalignantpersonalitieswhoseemtoenjoybadsexandlatenightdrinking.Becausebothsidesofmyfamilyhadnormalizedandcodifiedsexual,physical,andsubstanceabuseforgenerations,Iwasanexpertatreadingbetweenthelines.Thecontext,theallowingblindeye,theinter-generationalgrooming,theabuse–itwasallthere.IcametoShambhalapre-groomedtoseemybrillianceasagiftforotherandtofallintoakindofblankself-lesspersonawhenaskedtoserve.TheonlythingIwasprettyclearaboutisthatIthoughtalcoholwasaproblem.AndIthoughtsexwasaproblem.ThenextthingIknewIhadsoldmybelovedhomeinnorthernVermontandwasworkingasagroomforLadyDiana’sWindhorseDressageAcademyinRhodeIsland.Ican’trememberwhyIeverthoughtthatwasagoodidea.IhadeverythinginVermontthatIwantedtoenjoyarichproductivecreativelife.AndthenIsoldit.Ifounditimpossibletounderstand,exceptwhenforcedtolook,whyIincreasinglyfelt,andattimesacted,likeaferal,corneredanimal.Iwas“handled”overandoverduringthecourseofmy25yearsofservicebecauseIwasperceivedasboth

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compliantanddangerous,bothajewelandathreat.WhenIwasgood,Ireceivedtreats.WhenIwasbad,Iwaspunished.Ididn’texactlybehavesubmissively.Iaskedtoomanyquestions.Imighthaveonoccasionevengrowled.Tothecreditofthecourtiers’twistedintelligence,Idid“savethekingdom”inseveralinstances.Anaturalbornfixer,Idon’tknowhowtonotgoinandjuststartfixingbrokenthings.Giftedwitharobustconstitution,nomatterhowbaditgot,howtiredorusedIfelt,Icouldn’tbebroken.Ikeptcomingback.WhentheyinvitedmetobetheDragonRegionKusungCommander,Iasked,“Whynow,whyafter25yearsamIbeinggivenacommandpost?”Iwastold,“you’retherightpersonforthistime”.WhenIasked,“andwhattimeisthat?”IreceivedbackwhatIcharacterizedasnervouslaughter.Thatwasinthefallof2017.Whentheallegationshitourscreens,IwasintheCanyonlandswithmybrotherandhisdaughters.InreadingtheBuddhistSunshineReportsIcametorealizethatIcouldidentifyeverywomanfromtheirstoriesexceptone.WhenIreturnedhomeIresignedmypost.IhadheardabouttheChileincidentoveradecadeago.Ihaveheardfaintmurmuringsaboutotherpossiblerapescenarios.InthedistanceInotedhushedvoicesintentonmakingthestoriesgoaway.Ihadmyownexperiences.IkeptrememberingaquietnightatPrajna.Perhapstheprogramhadtheeveningoff,ortherewasabanquetforparticipantsonly.IremembersittingaroundthePrajnastaffcampfirechattingwith3or4otherKasung.IremembertheidentityoftheKusungon-duty.IbelieveIwasCampCommanderbecausethatwouldbetheonlyreasonMr.Mukpowouldinvitemetohisbedroom.Helikedtoreceivesummaryreportsaboutwhatpeoplewereupto.NonethelessIwassurprisedasheandIwerenotinthehabitofmeetingthisway.BeingaKusungIwentimmediatelytokneelathissideofthebedandwaitedforhisquestionorcommand.Iwassurprisedwheninsteadheputhishanddownmyshirtandfondledmybreastsandsaid,“pleaseIjustwanttosleep,”firmlydirectingmyheadtohiscock.Iobligedandshookitoff.Iburiedandminimizedmyownexperiencesforover20years.MostlyIdidn’ttellanyone.OrIcurtlysummarizedmyexperienceashavingbeenblessedenoughtoreceivea“quartercupofbindus”frommyguru.Idon’tknowwhyIdescribeditthatway.ItwasthebestIcoulddoasmymindscrambledtorelievepressurefromthemelodicdissonance.IntheVajrayanawearetaughtthatallbodyfluids,orpiecesofclothing,tuftsofhair,orleftoverfoodfromtheguru’splateareblessingsgifteddirectlyfromthebodyofenlightenment.Intheend,althoughIusedthosewordstokeepmefromimploding,Iwasneverabletodiscardmybasicsensethatthismanhadnoidea,nordidheseemtocaretohaveanidea,abouthowtocreateasharedspaceforintimacy.Atleastnotwithme.Inshort,Ithoughttomyself,“well,he’snotaverygoodlover,Iwon’tdothatagain.”

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ItwaslatewhenIsteppedoverthebodyofthesleepingon-dutyKusungwho,ifhewasawake,didn’tpeep.ThenextmorningIaskedhim,“soyoudidn’tdoafinalcheck?ToseeifMr.MukpoorIneededwater?”Hereplied,“No,inthosecircumstances,Idon’tgobackin.”Thosecircumstances.AsaKusungduringMr.Mukpo’sbachelordaysIwouldgointomakesurethefemaleguesthadwater.Regardlessofwhateverelsewasgoingon,Ifeltitwascommoncourtesytoofferwater.Astrangefogofnotwantingtoexperienceorwitnessmyownlifesettledintomybeing.PeriodicallyIwouldfindsomeonewillingtochataboutthebizarrefairytalewewereco-creating.Ifinallysaid,“enough”.Shambhalahasbeentheentiretyofmyadultlife.Myso-calledproductiveyears.TheyearsduringwhichIshouldhavebuiltacareeranddevelopedlifelongfriendships,thefruitsofwhichIwouldbeenjoyingnow.I’veheldalmosteveryservicepostavailableinShambhala.Iaccomplishedthehighestpracticesavailabletome.IfIstillbelievedinformalpractice,IwouldbepreparingforScorpionSeal6andmixinginsessionsofthereveredSixYogasofNaropapractices.Iwentonlongretreats.SometimesIwasin.SometimesIwasout.AlwaysIwasinrelationshiptoaphenomenonthatIwasbothattractedtoandrepulsedby.IhadfriendsaslongasIwasgood.TheydisappearedwhenIwas"bad".OccasionallyIwasnotallowedtoserve.IwasafraidofwhatImightsee.AtthesametimeIhadaclearsensethatthekingandhiscourtierswereequallyafraidofwhatImightsee.Variouspowerfulmenatvarioustimestookmeonasachallengetoseeiftheycouldputmeundertheirthumb.Iwasoftenpunishedformygooddeeds.Attheendofmytimeservingas“privypurse”ortheking’spersonalfinancemanager(2006-2010),inwhatIcanonlydescribeasanactofcruelty,Mr.MukposentoneofthefewpeopleheknewIwouldlistentoasthemessengertodisposeofme.Ivehementlydisagreedwiththechoicesthatwerebeingmade.Ididnottrusteitherofthefinancierswhohadsidleduptotheking,feedinghisgrandiosemagicalthinking,buyinghisfavorwithflattery.IhadlearnedwhatMr.Mukpohadwantedhis“privypurse”tolearn–howtomodelthefinancestructuretobeaslucrativeastheancientsystemstillpracticedincurrentlyexistingmonasteries.Ihadrunasuccessfulbeta-testandraisedenoughmoneytopayforthebetterpartoftheRinchenTerdzo,thefirstmajorretreatheldinOrissa.Ihadcreatedasystemdesignedtohelptravellinghouseholdstafftrackthemoneyflow.AsIrodethecrestfrombachelordaystotheeraofourmarriedking,Iworked24/7tokeepupwithhisactivity.IwentabovethecallofdutytoprotectMr.Mukpofrombeingassociatedwithadubiousfinancier.AndthenIwassummarilydismissed.AshorttimelaterIwasaskedtomeetwithfiveofMr.Mukpo’sclosestadvisors,allmale.Iwasveryuncomfortable.Thatfeelingofbeingacagedanimal.ButIalsothoughtitwashumorous–thatittook5mento…dowhatIdon’tknow.Theyreallywantedmetocontinuedoingthework.Ideclined.Ilikedworkingalonewithoutaboss.Icertainlywasn’tgoingtotradethatinordertoworkforamiddlemanager

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thatseemedbotharrogantanddishonest,glib.Toaddinsulttoinjury,Iwasoffhandedlyaccusedofstealingfromtheking.Iwasdeliriouswithparanoia,anger,andexhaustion.Iwasinafuryformonths.AfterallIhaddone?Imanagedtostayawayfortwoyears,butmytraumahadnotresolvedandmyrelationshipwithShambhalawasnotyetover.In2012Itookonthemostgruelingfix-itjobto-date,savingAshokaCreditUnion.MyworkasCEOendedinasimilarway.Afterhavingsuccessfullybeachedthecreditunionontodryground,IwassqueezedoutofmyjobbyhavingtotakeconsiderablylesspaythanIwasoriginallycontractedfor.IwasthankedprofuselywhenIchosetoresign,butIwasleftat58withnoincome,noretirement,andverylittlesavings.ThosetwoincidentsforcedmetoacknowledgetheinstitutionalizedabuseofpeopleworkingforthegoodofShambhala.AgainstmybetterjudgmentIreturnedtoChileinFebruary2018asaCampaignKusung,onlytowatchourwould-bekingonthethronewebuiltlooktheprettyChileanwomenupanddown,assessingadesirableobjectwithinhisgrasp,overheardmyfellowKusungsaythingslike,“ifhedoesanythinginappropriate,herhusbandwillkillhim,”watchedasMr.Mukpoaskedforoneafteranotherofhisloyalservantstobeflowninonexpensivelastminuteflightsasabarricadeforwhatmightbubbleupandneedtobedealtwith,watchedaswescrambledatgreatexpensetogethimmovedoutofreachoftheprogramandintoalocalAirBnB.Isurmisedthatwewenttotheseextrememeasuressothathecoulddrinkwithoutbeingseenandnotblowhiscoverasanall-powerfulguru.Oneoftheexcusesweusedwasthatthereweretoomanyantsinhisbathroom.Ididnotwanttogotothetraditionalend-of-programCourtstaffdinnerwithhim.Whenaskedwhy,IsaidbecauseIdonotwanttowatchmyguruandkinggetdrunk.Again.Iwasaskedtothenpleasecometosupporttherestofus.Onpackingday,Ilookedinthemirrorandsaidtomyself,“thisisyourlastcampaign.”Iwassorelieved.Iwasstartingtoleave.Whentheallegationsbecameheadlinenews,IheardthatMr.MukpoaskedhowIwasdoing.Myfuryreignited.ItoldmysuperiorthatifMr.MukpowantstoknowhowI’mdoing,thenheiswelcometocallmeafterhehassuccessfullyundergonerehabforbothalcoholabuseandsexualpredationandhasaccumulatedafewyearsofsobrietyandtherapyunderhisbelt.Ihavenoideaifthemessagewasbroughttohim.AtthetimeKusungwerebeingaskedtotellstoriesoftheirKusungdaysandwerebeingencouragedtowriteletterswithanythoughtsorquestionstheymighthave.Ifeelcertainthatthiswasintendedasawayofgaugingloyalty.IwasevenaskedifIwouldbeinterestedinbeinginchargeoftheMukpos’financialworld,asifgettingmyoldjobbackcouldbeanythingotherthananopportunisticdumpandrun.Theinnercirclewasstartingtopanic.Iactuallymulleditoverforafewdays.IntheendIwasunabletoconceiveofhowmuchIwouldbewillingtoacceptinsalary.Noamountofmoneycouldhavebroughtmebackintothefold,

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especiallysinceIwasunlikelytobepaidmuchforlong,evenifIdidmanagetosavethekingdomonemoretime.Icouldn’tfathomthatitwasevenpossibleanymore.Andmybodyrefused.IntheendmyquestionisaboutwhatIwanttobeloyalto.WhatIamnotinterestedinbeingloyaltoisanimmatureboy-kingwithsubstanceabuseissueswhowalksawayfromeveryharmhehascaused,coweringbehindhiswife’straditionalskirts,andsteppingonthebacksofsoon-to-bephysicallyfitandmentallyunpreparedmostlyyoungmaleKusungwhoaretrainedtonotseeandtonottell.IhavewatchedalmosteveryContinuityKusungcomethrough,mostofthemremainingevangelicaldespitethenearconstantabuseoftheirperson.Granted,theabusewasnotalwaysimmediatelynoticeable.However,inmyviewtherewasalwayssomecombinationoftreatinghisKusungasspecial,orasoneofthechosenones,atthesametimetoyingwithaweakness,ignitingcompetitionandinsecurity,allwhilestealingtheirbrillianceforhisown.NoramIinterestedinhearingthemantraofgoodnessandkindnessbeingusedtolullmeintoanaltogethertoofamiliarstupor.Thereisnogoodnessorkindnessavailableherewithoutaccountabilityandjustice.None.Unfortunatelymyselfandmyfewrealfriendsarewatchingthecurrentdebacleshakingourheads,saddenedbythefeelingthattheremaywellalwaysbenewacolyteswillingtooffereverythingtheyhavetotheinevitablepointofexhaustion,onlytobediscardedandaddedtotheheapofcorpses.Iam60yearsold.Thereisonlyonefix-itleftandthatisme.Ihaveverylittleideaaboutwheretoevenbegin.Ihavespentmylifetryingtocareforother,asinstructedbymyfamilyandmyguru.IwatchedhundredsofwomengoinandoutofMr.Mukpo’sbedroom.Iheldthehandsofmany.Rockedwiththemwhentheysobbed.Stayedwiththemwhentheyjustdidn’tknowwhathappened.Triedtowarnthemaboutwhatitfeelsliketobequeenforaday.Isawonetoomanydebauchednightsandnursedonetoomanyoftheking’shangovers.Ifearedforthewomen.IwasdisgustedbywhatIsaw.AndyetIstayed.Iwatchedhelplesslyasdonationswerespentliketossedcandy.MeanwhileI’mwonderingifI’llbeabletokeepwhatlittleIhaveleft.IexperiencedonetoomanyactsofcrueltyincludingbeingverballyevisceratedbyMr.Mukpo’sclosestconfidant,hismostpowerfulministerandlife-longmentor,theoriginalandmostfearedKusung,whoinadrunkenragequestionedmyloyalty.AfellowKusunghopedtoshrugitoffbysaying,“youknowhowhegets.”Iwasonduty.Iwentbackupstairstotheparty.Iwashumiliated.Ineverevenonceconsideredreportinganything.Everyoneseemedtobewalkingaroundlikezombiesinvariousdegreesofcollusionanddenial.DespitetheproclamationthatIammyonlyremainingfix-it,IdohaveoneweirdandridiculoustaskleftandthatistofigureoutwhatIcandotohelpMr.Mukpo’sfeisty,aging,disabledmotherandherfamilywhowillhavenoplacetolivewhenMarpa

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Houseissold.Formysake,IwishIcouldleaveherinthedust.ButIcan’t.I’vebeenholdingherfinancestogetherforover15years.LadyKonchokisakintotheultimatesurvivorinthisworldthatwascreatedoutofnothing.InsteadofsellingbothCourtsandvolunteeringtoputmoneybackintotheShambhalacoffers,oratleaststoptheflowout,Mr.Mukpohasapprovedsellingapropertythatishometo30peopleandhisveryownfamily.Meanwhile,theBoulderandHalifaxresidencessitempty.IevenheardthatMr.Mukpoisintheprocessofbuyinganotherproperty.Cognitivedissonance.Idonotbelievehefeelsgenuineremorse.Ibelievethathewillsaywhathefeelshemustinordertokeepthemoneyflowingin.IdonotbelievethathehasgenuineconcernforwhetherornotShambhalacrumbles.Theyoungman,theoneIonceknewandfeltlovefor,hadbeenfurtherpervertedbytheverythingweallthoughtwasgoodandtrue.Ifhemerelysufferedfrombadjudgmentandpoortaste,Iwouldenjoyseeinghissweatyfaceashehaulshisowndamnsuitcasesontothetarmacofhisnextjob.Buttheprotectivecirclehasclosedinaroundhim.Hiswealthypatronswillcontinuetofillhiswallet.Theywillprotecthimfromhisownwake-upcall.Theywillprotecthimfromus,theoneswhoarewillingtonamethedisease.Theywillhavetheirownprivatesourceofplatitudestohelplulltheirinsight.InolongerenvythemevenasIwonderhowIwillfindmywayinthischaotic,overlybrightworldoutsidethefortress.Iwakeupeveryday,despiteallmysupportsystems,wearyandbroken.Despitemyperceivedintelligenceandmybroad-spectrumskillsets,Icannotfathomgoingtowork.Ispenddaysatatimenevergettingoutofmypajamas.Iamnotyetabletotrustpeopleexceptonoccasion,evenoneswhoclearlyloveme.Yes,Icameinwithmyownhistoryoffamilytraumamakingiteasyformetofallinasprey.Innowayisiteverokayforanyhuman,oranyhumansociety,tousesomeone’spleaforfreedomandspiritualawakeningasabasisforsystemicmanipulationacrosspowerdifferentialswhichindulgecruel,debasinginterpersonalrelations.Andthencallitdevotion.Anduseanduseanduseuntilit’sallusedup.Andyethereweare.Itrulybelievethatwe’veallseenorheardsomething.Ibelieveweallhavequestions.Whatremainsisforustoputthepuzzletogether,attendingtothedetailsofourownstoryandfindingourownvoice.Ibelievethestoryisimportant.Butonlybecause,withoutit,Iwouldbeleftstandinginthedarkwithmymouthopenmakingnosound.Thereforecorruptionisadangerousdisease,onethatshouldbediagnosedanddestroyedassoonasanysymptomofitoccursintheKingdom.~DorjeDradulofMukpo,TheCourtVision&Practice,Chapter10–Corruption.

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LouisFitchFebruary2019CultureofSexismOneofmyfirstKusung-in-Training(KIT)shiftswasatPrajnaatSMC.IwasbeingtrainedbyamoreseniorfemaleKITinhowtoserveteaproperly-whatexactlyMr.Mukpocurrentlyliked.Mr.Mukpohadwanderedpastusanddownintothekitchentohangoutwithsomeofthepeoplethere.AtonepointIheardlaughterandturnedaroundtoseeMr.MukpooglingtheKITmentor’sbuttwhiletheothermenlaughedandstaredalongwithhim.Theyoungwomanturnedaroundandsawthemstaringandsmiling,turnedslightlyred,thenwentbacktoshowingmehowmanysecondstobrewtheexactcolorMr.Mukpo’steamustbe.Ofthe4meninthatkitchen,3heldleadershippositionsandhaveonlyrisensincethen.Peoplemayfindthisconfusingasthisisjusttypicalbehaviorinthisworld.EvenifIthoughtthatjustifiedit,wehavenoplaceclaimingtobeacommunitybasedaroundmindfulnessifwearethatignorant.Isaidnothingthen.Irosethroughtheranksandcontinuedtosayanddonothingtomeaningfullyeffectchange.AndsometimesI’devenlaughalongmyself,tofeelapartofsomething.ThiswasparticularlytruewhenIwasingroupswithMr.Mukpoandbeingpartofsuchblatantobjectificationfilledmydesiretobepartofhisinnercircle.InthosemomentsthiswasmoreimportanttomethanthefactIfoundtheobjectificationhorrible.ThemajorityofShambhalahasnotandwillnotseethissideofMr.MukpoasitisonlywithhisinnercrewwherehefelthecoulddropthePCRinpochethingandindulgehisabusetactics.TheKITwasapersoncomingtoofferherheartfeltserviceoutofherspiritualdevotionandwasreducedtoherass.Andweallcondonedthat.AndIknowthepeoplewholaughedalongwithhimtheremightbehorrifiedandangrythatIwouldsaythisastheyareoneofthegoodguys.Theyaren’trapists.TheyhaveneverhadCareandConductinvestigationsabouttheirbehavior.Theyhavetriedtolistentothecomplaintsofwomenandotherminoritiesinthecommunity.Andyet,wesaidnothingtochangethenatureofthecomplaintsweheard.Welaughedalong.Andnowwe’remostlysilentwhenithasbeenmadeclearthatMr.Mukpohasadistinctpatternofsexualharassmentandabuse.Wearehiscloseststudentsandwesaynothing.Hewasbornintothiscommunityandhasbeensurroundedwiththisstructurehiswholelife.Thoseofuswhoaretheclosestinforthemostparthaveonlylaughedalong.Howwouldheknowanydifferentifwedon’tconfronthim?Howwouldweknowanydifferentifhedoesn’tconfrontus?AndI’veheardfromsomeotherKusungandleadersthattheyhaveactuallygivenhimfeedback.Theycontinuetobepublicallysilentinthefaceofvictimscomingforward.Theycontinuetoholdtheirposts.

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Mr.Mukpooftencyclesthroughpeoplewhostarttogivehimfeedback.Andheisincrediblyskilledatbringinginthosewhopurelyconformtohisviewoftheworld,whichispartofhowIhaveseenKusungmovetowardsanincreasinglysexistandinsularboy’sclub.Andhecanghostthosewhostarttogivetoomuchfeedbackandcycleinsomeonewhowillfeelblessedtocomein.Thenafterafewmonths,he’llbringtheotherpersonbackinbeforetheywalkaway.Heplaysgamesofwhoiscloseinordertokeepfeedbackatadistance.Iamnotsayingthatitisn’thardtospeakup.Butwedon’tgettopretendtobegoodguardiansofourcommunity’swellbeingifwedon’ttreatthesemomentswiththeseveritytheydeserve.IlookbackonthatmomentandIknowthatIaminparttoblamefortheharmshehascaused.Iwasn’ttherefortheabusesdescribedintheProjectSunshineandWickwireHolmreportsbutIknowthateverytimeIsaidnothing,Iplayedmypart.Andforthat,Iamdeeplysorry.MoneyandVanityDuringoneKusungshiftMr.Mukpowasperformingasetofpracticestohelpthoseinthecommunitywhoweresick.IwenttohisbedroomwiththeContinuityKusungtowakeMr.Mukpoupandtakehisbreakfastrequest.WekneeledonthefloorwhiletheContinuityKusungwentthroughtheschedulesayingthatLamaPegyalandLamaGyurmeDorje–Mr.Mukpo’sstepfatherandhalf-brother–wouldbealittlelateastheywerestillfinishingthetormasandvariousceremonialpreparations.Afterbeingbriefedonthescheduleheaskedwhowouldbecomingandwhotheprimaryfunderoftheceremonywas.Afterbeingtoldhowmuchthelargerdonorsweregiving,hesmiledandgaveahappygrunt(interpretinggruntsiskeytoKusungship).Somewhereinthatday,Iremembercleaninguphisbathroomandwipingdownallofthevariousfaceproductsandcosmeticcreams,andwonderingatjusthowmuchofthatmoneyfromthesestudentswasputintothesevariousexpensivecreams.AnditstruckmejusthowvainMr.Mukpoisandhowmanydifferentwaysthatcomesacross.ImentionedthistoaseniorKusungwholaughedandagreedthatitwasexcessive.Butsaidthatitwashowthesestudentssittingdownstairscouldconnecttohimandsoitwashowhebroughtthemintohispracticefortheirbenefit.ThemoreI’vethoughtaboutthat,themoreitseemsliketrickle-downeconomics.PerhapsthepremiseofShambhalaistrickle-downenlightenment.IknowpeoplehavesaidthatthisisnotatruereflectionofhowthefinancesaroundMr.Mukpowork.Butexcessivespendingclearlydesignedtosoothhisinsecurityhappensandmanyofusknowit.Thebreakingpointwasbeingtoldthiswas

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absolutelysecretaspeople“wouldn’tunderstand.”Icouldn’tacceptthatIwashelpingfacilitatetheuseofpeople’sheartfeltgiftstosalveMr.Mukpo’sinsecurityandvanity.CultureofSilenceWhyhaven’tmoreofthoseofuswhoknowMr.MukpoandtheinnerworkingsoftheCourt-trainedleadershipcomeforward?Ithinkyouhavetoreallybuyintothewholething.Noteveryonewasbornintothisworldview,butIthinkthepatternisoftensimilar.ForthosebeingbroughtinthereisaprocessofindoctrinationduringwhichKusungaretrainedtodroptheirowncommonsenseandconformtotheboys’clubatmosphere.AseachseasonedKusungtrainsthenewexciteddevoteesitiseasiertoshelvejadedviewsandleavethingssparkly.Kusungaregroomedtoturnablindeye.And,thentheKusungmostconditionedtonotconfrontMr.Mukpoandholdtobro-coderisethroughtheranksuntiltheypermeateleadershipinShambhala.Forthosebornintothecommunityweareindoctrinatedfrombirth.MyparentswereShambhalaBuddhists.Iamwhatiscolloquiallycalleda‘dharmabrat.’IwasraisedknowingthatTrungpa,Mr.Mukpo’sfather,wastheembodimentofallthingswonderfulandpowerful.Thoseweren’talwaysthetermsused,butthatwasthepoint.IknowthatIwasuniqueandspecialbecauseIhadthegoodfortunetobebornnearTrungpaandtomeethimasababy.IamoneofthechosenwarriorsofShambhalahereinthisdarkagetobringaboutEnlightenedSociety.Again,notalwaysthosewords,butthatwaswhatwasbeingcommunicated.Formostofmylife,whenthere’samomentsomeonemightcallonahigherpower–watchingyourcarcrashorsomeequalscare–itisnotsomegodordeitythatcomestomind,itisTrungpa.AndalloftheinsanethingsthathappenedinTrungpa’sdays:alltheabuses,molestation,drugs,alcohol,mayhem–thosewereeithercrazywisdomorsimplythehippydays.Butthehippydaysarelonggoneandthecrazywisdomargumentisstillused.Andit’sabrillianttactic–ifsomethingfeelsorisreallyfuckedup,that’sonlybecauseyoudon’treallyunderstandthatit’sthereto“wakeyouup.”Byacknowledgingthemassiveharmperpetratedbythesemonarchs,IhavetofacetheprospectthateverythingIhaveeverknownorthoughtaboutmyselfandtheworldiswrong.AndifIacceptthatastrue,ImaylosemyfamilyandeverypersonIgrewupwith.Allofthisisaverypowerfulimpetustonotexaminetoocloselytheunderpinningsofthissangha.

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Keepinmind,thisishowMr.Mukpowasraisedaswell.Andwhilemanyofthe‘dharmabrats’feelliketheyareprobablysomeversionofatulku,hehasbeenidentifiedasoneandplacedonathrone.Introspectionforhimmeansafarcostlierfallfromgrace.AndwithhiswritingbooksandexpandingontheScorpionSeal,hehasbuiltanimpressivesuitofarmorwherehehasnoreasontothinkanyofusareequaltohimasheisTheEarthProtector.Untilitbecomesconvenientforhimtoberepresentedashuman,ashedidinhislatestletter,sohecangetoutoftakingresponsibilityfortheharmhecauses.HecannotchoosewhenhewantstobeRinpocheandwhenhewantstobehumanwithhumanfoibles.Ifhewantstobetreatedasthetopofthehierarchyhemustactaccordingly.ThoughIhaveheldmanyrolesandhavetriedtoaddressmanyoftheculturalissuesIfeltwereharmful,Idon’tthinkImadeanymeaningfuldifference.Forme,afterapointofrealizingthatIwasn’tchangingthingsitseemedtomethatIwasactuallyjustenablingthecycletocontinue.Iknowsomeofmypeersandleadersfeeltheywanttorepairandmakeitallbetter.Icertainlyfeltthatwayformanyyears.ButIlookatmyprettyuniformandmyshinypinsandallIcanseeisagroupofShambhalaWarriorsoglingwomen.AndIknowthatthesexualassaultandabusesperpetratedinthiscommunity–scarsthatwillneverleave–isbecausepeople,includingmyself,didn’tsayanything.