8/8/2019 An appeal on behalf of the National Home for Bewildered Giraffes

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An appeal on behalf of the National Home for Bewildered Giraffes

It was a crisp December morning.The sunlight danced on the snow like electric nipples.I wondered into the garden my heart as heavy as a fat man in lead underpants.Everything was the same, it was always the same.

A stoic suburban void.The same houses staring blankly at the same grey sky.The usual trees stood as they usually did being usual.The familiar contours of the horizon and the soft silhouette of a Giraffe in the distance…hang ona moment…I approached the ginger shape gingerly and sure enough, there in the back field, stood a adultgiraffe half buried in a drift of snow. His neck a mottled protuberance like a lonely tree bearingmournful eye fruit.It turned out he was one of the steady influx of Bulgarian Zoo animals that had escaped to thewest to furrow a better life for themselves. Most of them ended up as prostitutes but the luckyones found great success in upper management.This particular immigrant had attempted to get through customs by strapping a flashing light to

his head in a bold attempt to disguise himself as a fork lift truck. This may of worked if he hadn’tstarted singing “I’m a fork lift truck, not a big Giraffe!” to the tune of “Barbie Girl” by Aqua.Anyhow, I did my best to free him but when push came to shove neither pushing or shovingseemed to do the trick.So, exhausted yet slightly aroused, I called the good people at the NHBG.The National Home for Bewildered Giraffes is a charitable organisation that cares for bewilderedgiraffes in need of organised and charitable care. Every year hundreds of these gentle yetridiculous creatures suffer exploitation and abuse at the callused hands of ruthless windowcleaners. Frightened and confused, these poor beasts often end up in the gutter bleating for spare change and causing ungainly nuisance to startled pedestrians.Anyway, after several hours of shouting at the animal I finally took their advice and lured him outwith my last Eccles Cake.

I led him home and soon we were bathed in the warm glow of the raging homosexual I hadinstalled only that day. I gently popped each of his frozen hooves into a bowl of hot Bovril andpelted him with Coco Pops as this was known to soothe the soul of a distraught giraffe.I got a letter from him the other day, it read simply…”I love you”

If you would like to contribute then please send your donations to -National Home for Bewildered Giraffes,Care of,Bob’s Pet Food and Glue,Unit 2B, The Mulching Complex,Swindon.