A.L.I.C.E. - University of MissouriAlice ran after the white rabbit, just in time to see it pop down...
Transcript of A.L.I.C.E. - University of MissouriAlice ran after the white rabbit, just in time to see it pop down...
A.L.I.C.E.
AnadaptationofAlice’sAdventuresinWonderlandandThroughtheLooking-GlassbyLewisCarroll.
KevinBrown,HayleyRushing,BlakeWilloughby,andElmerGuardado©2019
CHARACTERSAliceMomVoiceWhiteRabbitCaterpillarCheshireCatDuchessCookTweedledeeTweedledumHumptyDumptyMarchHareMadHatterDormouseQueenofHeartsKingofHeartsKnaveofHeartsMockTurtleGryphonExecutionerCards(Two,Five,Seven)
SUMMARYScene1:DowntheRabbitHoleandThePoolofTears Alice,Mom,Voice,WhiteRabbitScene2:AdvicefromaCaterpillar Alice,Caterpillar,VoiceScene3:PigandPepper(TheCheshireCat) Alice,CheshireCat,Duchess,Cook,VoiceScene4:TweedledumandTweedledee Alice,Tweedledum.Tweedledee,VoiceScene5:AMadTeaParty Alice,MadHatter,MarchHare,Dormouse,VoiceScene6:HumptyDumpty Alice,HumptyDumpty,VoiceScene7:TheQueen’sCroquetGround Alice,Queen,WhiteRabbit,CheshireCat,King,Duchess,Knave,Executioner,Cards, VoiceScene8:TheMockTurtle’sStoryandLobsterQuadrille Alice,Gryphon,MockTurtle,VoiceScene9:WhoStoletheTarts?andAlice’sEvidence Alice,Queen,King,Knave,Executioner,WhiteRabbit,MarchHare,Dormouse,Mad Hatter,Gryphon,Cook,Cards,Humpty,Tweedledum,Tweedledee,Voice,Mom
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ACTI
Scene1:DowntheRabbitHoleandThePoolofTearsWefindAliceatplayinherbedroomintheVictorian-erahomeofherwell-to-dofamily.Aliceplaysforawhilewithpaperdollsinatoytheatre.[Momenters.]
MOMAlicemydear,it’stimeforbed.
ALICEMomma,doyouthinkpaperdollsgettiredofplayinginapapertheatre?
MOMI’msuretheymakedo.Now,offtobed!
ALICEMayIread?
MOM[Considers.]Onechapter.Thenyouneedtogetdressedforbedandgetsomesleep—soyou’renotdozingoffduringmorninglessons.
ALICEOkaymummy.Thankyou.Goodnight![Momexits.Aliceslowlyputsawaythetoysthenmakesherwaytoherbed.Shepicksupabookandstartsreading.Asshereads,thescenerybeginstochange.We’retransportedtoanaturesceneonthebankofariverontheEnglishcountryside.Weseeapantomimeofachildren’sstoryaboutforestanimals,thestorythatAliceisreading.]
VOICEAlicewasbeginningtogetverytired.[Suddenly,aWhiteRabbitrunscloseby.]
RABBITOhdear!Ohdear!Ishallbetoolate![Therabbittakesawatchoutofitswaistcoat-pocket,looksatit,thenhurrieson.]
ALICEIhaveneverbeforeseenarabbitwitheitherawaist-coat-pocketorawatchtotakeoutofit.
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[Alicegetsuptolookattherabbit.]Howcurious!
VOICEAliceranafterthewhiterabbit,justintimetoseeitpopdownalargerabbithole.InanothermomentdownwentAliceafterit,neveronceconsideringhowintheworldshewastogetoutagain.Alicehadnotamomenttothinkaboutstoppingherselfbeforeshefoundherselffallingdownwhatseemedtobeaverydeepwell.[Assheentersthehole,thescenebecomesincrediblydark.Alicenoticesthatthesidesoftheholesheisfallingthrougharefilledwithcupboardsandbookshelves.ShetriestograbajarofOrangeMarmaladebutitdriftsaway.]
ALICEWell!Aftersuchafallasthis,Ishallthinknothingoftumblingdownstairs!Howbravethey’llallthinkmeathome!Why,Iwouldn’tsayanythingaboutit,evenifIfelloffthetopofthehouse!IwonderhowmanymilesI’vefallenbythistime?Imustbegettingsomewherenearthecenteroftheearth.Letmesee:thatwouldbefourthousandmilesdown,Ithink.IwonderifIshallfallrightthroughtheearth!Howfunnyit’llseemtocomeoutamongthepeoplethatwalkwiththeirheadsdownwards!Theantipathies,Ithink—No,thatdoesn’tsoundatalltherightword—ButIshallhavetoaskthemwhatthenameofthiscountryis,youknow.Please,Ma’am,isthisNewZealand?OrAustralia? [AsAlicefallsindarkness,shebeginstofeelsleepy,andhazyimagesbeginto appearasifsheisenteringadream.Oneoftheimagessheseesishercat, Dinah.]Dinah,mydear!Iwishyouweredownherewithme!Therearenomiceintheair,I’mafraid,butyoumightcatchabat,andthat’sverylikeamouse,youknow.Butdocatseatbats,Iwonder? [Gettingsleepy,dreamily.]Docatseatbats?Docatseatbats?Dobatseatcats?
VOICEYousee,asshecouldn’tanswereitherquestion,itdidn’tmuchmatterwhichwaysheputit.Whensuddenly,thump!Downshecameuponaheapofsticksanddryleaves,andthefallwasover.Alicewasnotabithurt,andshejumpedupontoherfeet,andbeforeherwasalongpassage.TheWhiteRabbitwasstillinsight,andAlicewasjustintimetohearitsay—
RABBITOhmyearsandwhiskers,howlateit’sgetting!
VOICEShewasclosebehinditwhensheturnedthecorner,buttheRabbitwasnolongertobeseen.
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[Alicefindsherselfinalong,lowhall.Therearedoorsallroundthehall,butshetriesthemandfindsthattheyarealllocked.Alicecomesuponalittlethree-leggedtable,allmadeofsolidglass;thereisnothingonitbutatinygoldenkey,andshepicksitup.]
ALICEPerhapsthisbelongstooneofthedoors.Alas!Eitherthelocksaretoolarge,orthekeyistoosmall.Atanyrateitwillnotopenanyofthem. [Alicecomesuponalowcurtainshehadnotnoticedbefore,andbehinditisa littledooraboutfifteenincheshigh:shetriesthelittlegoldenkeyinthelock.]Itfits! [Aliceopensthedoorandfindsthatitleadsintoasmallpassage,notmuch largerthanarathole:shekneelsdownandlooksalongthepassageintothe loveliestgardenyoueversaw.]Oh,howIlongtogetoutofthisdarkhall,andwanderaboutamongthosebedsofbrightflowersandthosecoolfountains,butIcannotevengetmyheadthoughthedoorway.Andevenifmyheadwouldgetthrough,itwouldbeofverylittleusewithoutmyshoulders.IfonlyIknewhowtobegin.
VOICEFor,yousee,somanyout-of-the-waythingshadhappenedlatelythatAlicehadbeguntothinkthatveryfewthingsindeedwerereallyimpossible.[Alicegoesbacktothetableandfindsalittlebottleonit.]
ALICEThiscertainlywasnotherebefore. [Alicepicksupasmallbottlewithapaperlabelwiththewords“DRINKME,” beautifullyprintedonitinlargeletters.]Drinkme?No,I’lllookatitfirstandseeifit’smarked“poison”ornot. [Shelooksatthebottle.]Notpoison. [Shetastesit.]Thisisverynice.Tasteslike—amixedflavor—cherrytart,custard,pineapple,roastturkey,toffee,andhot-butteredtoast! [AsAlicedrinks,shebeginstoshrink.]Whatacuriousfeeling!Imustbeshuttinguplikeatelescope!NowI’mtherightsizeforgoingthroughthelittledoorintothatlovelygarden.IwonderifIamgoingtoshrinkanyfurther.[Nervously.]Foritmightend,youknow,inmygoingoutaltogether,likeacandle.IwonderwhatIshouldbelikethen?
VOICEAfterawhile,shedecidedongoingintothegardenatonce,but,alasforpoorAlice!Whenshegottothedoor,shefoundshehadforgottenthelittlegoldenkey,andfoundshecouldnotpossiblyreachit.
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[Alicetriesherbesttoclimbuponeofthelegsofthetable,butitistooslippery,andwhenshehastiredherselfout,shesitsdowncries.]
ALICECome,there’snousecryinglikethat!Iadviseyoutoleaveoffthisminute!
VOICEShegenerallygaveherselfverygoodadvice,(thoughsheveryseldomfollowedit).Oncesherememberedtryingtoboxherownearsforhavingcheatedherselfinagameofcroquetshewasplayingagainstherself,forthiscuriouschildwasveryfondofpretendingtobetwopeople.
ALICEButit’snousenow,topretendtobetwopeople!Why,there’shardlyenoughofmelefttomakeonerespectableperson! [Hereyefallsonalittleglassboxthatislyingunderthetable.Aliceopensthe boxandfindsaverysmallcake,onwhichthewords“EATME”arebeautifully markedincurrants.]Eatme?Well,I’lleatit,andifitmakesmegrowlarger,Icanreachthekey;andifitmakesmegrowsmaller,Icancreepunderthedoor:soeitherwayI’llgetintothegarden,andIdon’tcarewhathappens. [Shebeginstoeatthecake.VerysoonAlicehasfinishedoffthecake,andbegins togrowlarger.]Curiouserandcuriouser!I’mopeningoutlikethelargesttelescopethateverwas!Goodbye,feet!
VOICEJustatthismomentherheadstruckagainsttheroofofthehall:infactshewasnowrathermorethanninefeethigh.[Aliceatoncetakesupthelittlegoldenkeyandhurriesofftothegardendoor,butfindsherselftolargetogetin.Shesitsdownandbeginstocry.]
ALICEYououghttobeashamedofyourself,agreatgirllikeyou,togooncryingthisway!
VOICEButshewentonallthesame,sheddinggallonsoftears,untiltherewasalargepoolallroundher,aboutfourinchesdeepandreachinghalfdownthehall.
ALICEStopthismoment,Itellyou!
VOICE
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Afteratimesheheardalittlepatteringoffeetinthedistance,andshehastilydriedhereyestoseetheWhiteRabbitreturning,splendidlydressed,withapairofwhitekidglovesinonehandandalargefanintheother.[Therabbitcomestrottingalonginagreathurry,mutteringtohimself.]
RABBITOh!TheDuchess,theDuchess!Oh!Won’tshebesavageifI’vekeptherwaiting!
ALICEIfyouplease,Sir— [TheRabbitstartsviolently,dropsthewhitekidglovesandthefan,andscurries awayintothedarknessashardashecouldgo.Alicetakesupthefanand gloves,and,asthehallisveryhot,shekeepsfanningherselfasshetalks.]Dear,dear!Howqueereverythingistoday.Andyesterdaythingswentonjustasusual.IwonderifI’vechangedinthenight?Letmethink:wasIthesamewhenIgotupthismorning?IalmostthinkIcanrememberfeelingalittledifferent.ButifIamnotthesame,thenextquestionis“WhointheworldamI?”A,that’sthegreatpuzzle!
VOICEAndshebeganthinkingoverallthechildrensheknew,thatwereofthesameageasherself,toseeifshecouldhavebeenchangedforanyofthem.
ALICEI’msureI’mnotAda,forherhairgoesinsuchlongringlets,andminedoesn’tgoinringletsatall;andI’msureIcan’tbeMabel,forIknowallsortsofthings,andshe,oh,sheknowssuchaverylittle!Besides,she’ssheandI’mI,and—ohdear,howpuzzlingitallis!I’lltryifIknowallthethingsIusedtoknow.Letmesee:fourtimesfiveistwelve,andfourtimessixisthirteen,andfourtimessevenis—ohdear!Ishallnevergettotwentyatthatrate!Let’stryGeography.LondonisthecapitalofParis,andParisisthecapitalofRome,andRome—no,that’sallwrong.I’mcertain!ImusthavechangedforMabel!I’lltryandsay“Howdoththelittle”— [Alicecrossesherhandsonherlap,asifsheissayinglessons,buthervoice soundshoarseandstrange.]HowdoththelittlecrocodileImprovehisshiningtail,AndpourthewatersoftheNileOneverygoldenscale!Howcheerfullyheseemstogrin,Howneatlyspreadshisclaws,Andwelcomeslittlefishesin,Withgentlysmilingjaws!I’msurethesearenottherightwords. [Beginstocryagain.]ImustbeMabelafterall!
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[Alicelooksdownatherhands,andissurprisedtoseethatshehasputon oneoftheRabbit’slittlewhitekidgloveswhileshewastalking.]HowcanIhavedonethat?Imustbegrowingsmallagain.
VOICEAlicegotupandwenttothetabletomeasureherselfbyit,andfoundthat,asnearlyasshecouldguess,shewasnowabouttwofeethigh,andwasgoingonshrinkingrapidly:shesoonfoundoutthatthecauseofthiswasthefanshewasholding,andshedroppedithastily,justintimetosaveherselffromshrinkingawayaltogether.
ALICEAndnowforthegarden![Aliceusesthekey,opensthedoor,andgoesthroughit.]
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Scene2:AdvicefromaCaterpillarAliceentersthebeautifulgarden,andfindsherselfamongenormous,brightlycoloredflowersandtoweringbladesofdeep-greengrass.
VOICE
AsAliceenteredthegarden,shebegantofeelsleepyagain,sosheleantagainstabuttercuptorest,andfannedherselfwithoneoftheleaves.
ALICEI’dnearlyforgottenthatI’vegottogrowupagain!Letmesee—howisittobemanaged?IsupposeIoughttoeatordrinksomethingorother;butthegreatquestionis,what?
VOICEAlicelookedallroundherattheflowersandthebladesofgrass,butshecouldnotseeanythingthatlookedliketherightthingtoeatordrinkunderthecircumstances.Therewasalargemushroomgrowingnearher,aboutthesameheightasherself,andwhenshehadlookedunderit,andonbothsidesofit,andbehindit,itoccurredtoherthatshemightaswelllookandseewhatwasonthetopofit.Shestretchedherselfupontiptoe,andpeepedovertheedgeofthemushroom,andhereyesimmediatelymetthoseofalargebluecaterpillar,thatwassittingonthetopwithitsarmsfolded,quietlysmokingalonghookah,andtakingnotthesmallestnoticeofherorofanythingelse.
CATERPILLAR[Encouragingly.]Whoareyou?
ALICE
[Shyly.]I—Ihardlyknow,sir,justatpresent—atleastIknowwhoIwaswhenIgotupthismorning,butIthinkImusthavebeenchangedseveraltimessincethen.
CATERPILLAR
[Sternly.]Whatdoyoumeanwhenyousaythat?Explainyourself.
ALICEIcan’tevenexplainmyself,I’mafraid,sir,becauseI’mnotmyselfyousee.
CATERPILLAR
Idon’tsee.
ALICEI’mafraidIcan’tunderstanditmyselftobeginwith;andbeingsomanydifferentsizesinadayisveryconfusing.
CATERPILLER
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Itisn’t.
ALICEWell,perhapsyouhaven’tfounditsoyet,butwhenyouhavetoturnintoachrysalis—youwillsomeday,youknow—andthenafterthatintoabutterfly,Ishouldthinkyou’llfeelitalittlequeer,won’tyou?
CATERPILLAR
Notabit.
ALICEWell,perhapsyourfeelingsmaybedifferent,allIknowis,itwouldfeelveryqueertome.
CATERPILLAR
[Contemptuously.]You!Whoareyou?
ALICE[Irritated.]Ithink,yououghttotellmewhoyouare,first.
CATERPILLARWhy? [Aliceturnsaway.][Callingafterher.]Comeback!I’vesomethingimportanttosay! [AliceturnsaroundandreturnstotheCaterpillar.]Keepyourtemper.
ALICE[Swallowingheranger.]Isthatall?
CATERPILLARNo. [AlicewaitsinsilenceastheCaterpillarfoldshisarmsandpuffsawayathis hookah.][Unfoldinghisarmsandtakingthehookahoutofhismouth.]Soyouthinkyou’vechanged,doyou?
ALICEI’mafraidIam,sir.Ican’trememberthingsasIusedto—andIdon’tkeepthesamesizefortenminutestogether.
CATERPILLARCan’trememberwhatthings?
ALICE
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[Withmelancholyinhervoice.]Well,I’vetriedtosay“HowDoththeBusyBee,”butitallcamedifferent!
CATERPILLARRepeat“YouAreOld,FatherWilliam.”
ALICE“Youareold,fatherWilliam,”theyoungmansaid“Andyourhairhasbecomeverywhite;Andyetyouincessantlystandonyourhead—Doyouthink,atyourage,itisright?”“Inmyyouth,”fatherWilliamrepliedtohisson,“Ifeareditmightinjurethebrain;ButnowthatI’mperfectlysureIhavenoneWhyIdoitagainandagain.”
CATERPILLARThatisnotsaidright.
ALICE[Timidly.]Notquiteright,I’mafraidsomeofthewordsandlengthhavegotaltered.
CATERPILLAR[Decidedly.]Itwaswrongfrombeginningtoend. [Thereisanuncomfortablesilence.]Whatsizedoyouwanttobe?
ALICE[Hastily.]Oh,I’mnotparticularastosize,onlyonedoesn’tlikechangingsooften,youknow.
CATERPILLARIdon’tknow. [Aliceislosinghertemper.]Areyoucontentnow?
ALICEWell,Ishouldliketobealittlelarger,sir,ifyouwouldn’tmind.Threeinchesissuchawretchedheighttobe.
CATERPILLAR[Angrilyandrearingupitselfupright.]Itisaverygoodheightindeed![AlicerealizesthattheCaterpillarisactuallythreeinchestall.]
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ALICE[Pleading.]ButI’mnotusedtoit!
CATERPILLARYou’llgetusedtoitintime. [Caterpillarputshishookahbackinhismouthandstartspuffingawayagain. Afteracouplepuffsityawnsandattemptstoshakeoffthesleep.The Caterpillarproceedstohopoffitsmushroomandcrawlawayintothegrassas heexits.]Onesidewillmakeyougrowtaller,andtheothersidewillmakeyougrowshorter.
ALICE[Alicelooksconfusedandisponderingthestatement.]Onesideofwhat?
CATERPILLAR
[Trailingoffbeforecrawlingoutofsight.]Ofthemushroom.[Aliceisnowfixatedonthemushroom.Aftercontemplatingitsroundnessandponderingwhichsideiswhich,Alicestretchesherarmsarounditasfarastheywouldgo,andbreaksoffabitoftheedgewitheachhand.]
ALICE[Toaudience.]Andnowwhichsideiswhich?[Aliceeatsthepiecethatmakesherlarger.]
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Scene3:PigandPepper(TheCheshireCat)
Asmallhousesitsinanopenareawithinadark,coolforest.ThehouseresemblesthehomesAliceoncesawinhernativelandwherenobilityandthosewhowereofhighacclaimedlived.
VOICEAliceverysooncametoanopenfield,withawoodontheothersideofit:itlookedmuchdarkerthanthegarden,andAlicefeltalittletimidaboutgoingintoit.However,onsecondthoughts,shemadeuphermindtogoin.Assheenteredthewooditwasverycoolandshady.Beforetoolongshecametoaclearing,inthemiddleoftheclearingwasatinyhouse.
ALICE
HowamItogetin?
CAT[Offstageunseen.]Areyoutogetinatall?That’sthefirstquestion,youknow.
ALICEWhosaidthat?[Muttering.]It’sreallydreadfulthewayallthecreaturesargue,talk,andhide.It’senoughtodriveonecrazy![Flustered.]ButwhatamItodo?[Pause.]Ohthereisnouseintalkingtomyself.[Aliceopensthedoortothehouseandenters.]
COOKMorepepper!
ALICE[Alicesneezes.]There’scertainlytoomuchpepperinthatsoup! [Shesneezesagain.ShenoticesagrinningcatsittingnexttotheDuchess. Timidly,totheDuchess.]Pleasewouldyoutellme,whyyourcatgrinslikethat?
DUCHESSIt’saCheshireCatandthat’swhy.
ALICEIdidn’tknowCheshireCatsalwaysgrinned;infact,Ididn’tknowthatcatscouldgrin.
DUCHESSTheyallcanandmostof‘emdo.
ALICE
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Idon’tknowofanythatdo.
DUCHESSYoudon’tknowmuch.That’safact!
[TheCookthrowsasaucepaninthedirectionofAlice.Itbarelymissesher.]
ALICEOh,pleasemindwhatyou’redoing!
DUCHESS[Inahoarsegrowl.]Ifeverybodymindedtheirownbusinesstheworldwouldgoroundadealfasterthanitdoes.
ALICEWhichwouldnotbeanadvantage.[Proudly.]Justthinkwhatworkitwouldmakewiththedayandnight!Youseetheearthtakestwenty-fourhourstoturnroundonitsaxis—
DUCHESS[TotheCook.]Talkingofaxes,chopoffherhead![TheCookcontinuestostirthesoup,whilesheignorestheDuchess.]
ALICETwenty-fourhours,Ithink;orisittwelve?I—
DUCHESSOh,don’tbotherme!Inevercouldabidefigures!Bychancedoyourememberhowthe“Jabberwocky”begins?
ALICEThewhat?
DUCHESSThe“Jabberwocky?”
ALICEThatcan’tbearealwordcanit?
CAT‘Twasbrillig,andtheslithytoves Didgyreandgimbleinthewabe:
ALICEWhosaidtha—
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DUCHESS
Yes!Allmimsyweretheborogoves, Andthemomerathsoutgrabe.“BewaretheJabberwock,myson! Thejawsthatbite,theclawsthatcatch!BewaretheJubjubbird,andshun ThefrumiousBandersnatch!”Hetookhisvorpalswordinhand; Longtimethemanxomefoehesought—SorestedhebytheTumtumtree Andstoodawhileinthought.And,asinuffishthoughthestood, TheJabberwock,witheyesofflame,Camewhifflingthroughthetulgeywood, Andburbledasitcame!One,two!One,two!Andthroughandthrough Thevorpalbladewentsnicker-snack!Heleftitdead,andwithitshead Hewentgalumphingback.“AndhastthouslaintheJabberwock? Cometomyarms,mybeamishboy!Ofrabjousday!Callooh!Callay!” Hechortledinhisjoy.‘Twasbrillig,andtheslithytoves Didgyreandgimbleinthewabe:Allmimsyweretheborogoves, Andthemomerathsoutgrabe.
COOKWow!Wow!Wow!
ALICE[Politely.]Interesting—
DUCHESS
Oh,hush!NowthatIcanreciteit,ImustgoandgetreadytoplaycroquetwiththeQueen!ShewillbeeversopleasedthatIknowitnow!
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[DuchesshurriedlyexitstheroomandCookthrowsafryingpanatDuchessassheexits.]
ALICEWhatapeculiarandrudewoman.IguessIshouldcontinueon. [Aliceexitsthesmallhomeandentersintothewoods.Shewalksaroundand beginstodiscovershehaswalkedaroundthesametreemultipletimes.]IfonlyIknewtherightway— [CheshireCatentersonatree.Aliceisstartled.]Oh! [CheshireCatgrins.][Timidly.]CheshirePuss— [CheshireCatgrinsalittlewider.][Timidly.]Wouldyoutellme,please,whichwayIoughttogofromhere?
CATThatdependsagooddealonwhereyouwanttogetto.
ALICEIdon’tmuchcarewhere—
CATThenitdoesn’tmatterwhichwayyougo.
ALICE—solongasIgetsomewhere.
CATOh,you’resuretodothat,ifyouonlywalklongenough.
ALICEWhatsortofpeopleliveabouthere?
CATInthatdirection,
[Wavingitsrightpawround.]livestheHatter:andinthatdirection,
[Wavingtheotherpaw.]livestheMarchHare.Visiteitheryoulike:they’rebothmad.
ALICEButIdon’twanttogoamongmadpeople.
CATOh,youcan’thelpthat,we’reallmadhere.I’mmad.You’remad.
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ALICEHowdoyouknowI’mmad?
CATYoumustbe,oryouwouldn’thavecomehere.
ALICEAndhowdoyouknowthatyou’remad?
CATTobeginwith,adog’snotmad.Yougrantthat?
ALICEIsupposeso.
CATWell,then,youseeadoggrowlswhenit’sangry,andwagsitstailwhenit’spleased.NowIgrowlwhenI’mpleased,andwagmytailwhenI’mangry.ThereforeI’mmad.
ALICEIcallitpurring,notgrowling.
CATCallitwhatyoulike.DoyouplaycroquetwiththeQueentoday?
ALICEIshouldlikeitverymuch,butIhaven’tbeeninvitedyet.
CATBecareful.She’sinafowlmood.Somebodystolehertarts.
[Vanishesfromthetree.CheshireCatexits.Thensuddenlyappearsagain.CheshireCatenters.]
By-the-bye,whatareyourthoughtsontheDuchess?I’dnearlyforgottentoask.
ALICE[Quietly.]Sheisquiterude.
CATSoareyou— [Vanishes,again.CheshireCatexits.]
ALICE[WaitstoseeifCheshireCatwillreturn.Itdoesn’t.]OfftotheMarchHare!I’veseenhattersbefore,theMarchHarewillbemuchthemostinteresting,andperhaps,asthisisMay,itwon’tberavingmad—atleastnotsomadasitwasinMarch.
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[Assheiswalking,theCheshireCatreappears.]
CATDidyousay“rude,”or“food”?
ALICEIsaid“rude,”andIwishyouwouldn’tkeepappearingandvanishingsosuddenly:youmakeonequitegiddy!
CATAllright.
[CheshireCatexitsbyslowlyvanishing,beginningwiththeendofthetail,andendingwiththegrin.]
ALICEWell!I’veoftenseenacatwithoutagrin,butagrinwithoutacat!It’sthemostcuriousthingIeversawinallmylife! [Shenibblesonsomeoftheleftovermushroomtogrowsomemore.]
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Scene4:TweedledumandTweedledee Aroadleadsthroughthewoods,occasionallylinedwithaconfusingarrayofbewilderingfingerposts,letteredwithperplexingdirectionstovariousplacesinWonderland.
VOICEAlicewentonandon,alongway.Asshewalked,shewonderedifshewouldeverfindherwaytotheMarchHare’shouse.Therewasonlyoneroadthroughthewood,andfingerpostspointedthewayalongit.
ALICEWhichofthesefingerpostsoughtItofollow,Iwonder?I’llsettleit,whentheroaddividesandtheypointdifferentways.
VOICEAsshewalkedalongtheroad,wherevertheroaddividedthereweretwofinger-postspointingthesameway,onemarked“ToTweedledum’shouse”andtheother‘TothehouseofTweedledee.”
ALICE
[Excitedly.]Idobelieve,thattheyliveinthesamehouse!IwonderIneverthoughtofthatbefore—ButIcan’tstaytherelong.I’lljustvisitandsay“Howd’yedo?”andaskthemthewayoutofthesewoods.IjustneedtogettotheMarchHare’shousebeforeitgetsdark. [Alicecontinuestofollowthesignsuntilshestumblesupontwolargemen standingsidebysidewiththeirarmsaroundeachother’sneck.Thelargemen arestandinglikestatuesinthemiddleoftheforest.Almostlifeless,butso lifelike.]Hmm,soyoumustbeDumandyouareDee.Interestingtohavethisembroideredonyourcollar.Isupposethey’veeachgot“Tweedle”roundatthebackofthecollar.[Walksaroundbehindthetwo.]
DUM[StartlingAlice.]Ifyouthinkwe’rewaxworks,yououghttopay,youknow.Waxworksweren’tmadetobelookedatfornothing.Nohow!
DEEContrariwise,ifyouthinkwe’realive,yououghttospeak.
ALICE[Shocked.]I’msureI’mverysorry— [Asifinatrance,Alicebeginstosinganoldsong.]TweedledumandTweedledee Agreedtohaveabattle;
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ForTweedledumsaidTweedledee Hadspoiledhisnicenewrattle.Justthenflewdownamonstrouscrow,
Asblackasatarbarrel;Whichfrightenedboththeheroesso, Theyquiteforgottheirquarrel.
DUMIknowwhatyou’rethinkingabout,butitisn’tso.Nohow.
DEEContrariwise,ifitwasso,itmightbe;andifitwereso,itwouldbe;butasitisn’t,itain’t.That’slogic.
ALICE[Politely.]Iwasthinking,whichisthebestwayoutofthiswood?It’sgettingsodark.Wouldyoutellme,please?[Thetwomengrin.]
ALICE[Pointing.]FirstBoy!
DUM[Briskly.]Nohow!
ALICENextboy!
DEEContrariwise!
DUMYou’vebegunwrong!Thefirstthinginavisitistosay“Howd’yedo?”andshakehands!
[ThetwobrothershugeachotherandthensticktheirtwofreehandsouttoshakehandswithAlice.Alicetoavoidoffendingeither,shakesbothhandsatthesametime,whichthenextmomenttheybegantodanceinacircle.Musicplaysfromthetreethetwobrotherswereunder.Thethreesing“HereWeGoRoundtheMulberryBush”astheydance.]
DEE[Outofbreath.]Fourtimesroundisenoughforonedance.
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[Theyquicklystopdancing,theystopsinging,andthemusicstopsplayingfromthetree.]
ALICEItwouldn’tdomuchtosay“Howd’yedo”now.Weseemtohavegonebeyondthatwiththisdancing,soIhopeyou’renotmuchtired?
DUMNohow.Andthankyouverymuchforasking.
DEESomuchobliged—Youlikepoetry?
ALICEYe-es,prettywell—somepoetry.[Doubtfully.]Wouldyoutellmewhichroadleadsoutofthewood?
DEEWhatshallIrepeattoher?
DUM“TheWalrusandtheCarpenter”isthelongest.[HugsDee.]
DEETheWalrusandtheCarpenter—
ALICEIfit’sverylong,wouldyoupleasetellmefirstwhichroad—
DEE[Smilesgentlyandbeginsagain.]TheWalrusandtheCarpenter Werewalkingonthebeach.“OOysters,comeandwalkwithus!” TheWalrusdidbeseech.Andthiswasodd,because,youknow, Oystersdon’thaveanyfeet.
DUMAndyetfourOystersfollowedthem, Andthenanotherfour;Andthickandfasttheycameatlast, Andmore,andmore,andmore—
21
Allhoppingthroughthefrothywaves, Andscramblingtotheshore.
DEE“Thetimehascome,”theWalrussaid, “Totalkofmanythings:Ofshoes—andships—andsealingwax— Ofcabbages—andkings—Andwhytheseaisboilinghot— Andwhetherpigshavewings.”
DUM“Aloafofbread,”theWalrussaid, “Iswhatwechieflyneed:Pepperandvinegarbesides Areverygoodindeed—Now,ifyou’reready,Oystersdear, Wecanbegintofeed.”
DEE“Butnotonus!”theOysterscried, Turningalittleblue“Aftersuchkindness,thatwouldbe Adismalthingtodo!”“Thenightisfine,”theWalrussaid, “Doyouadmiretheview?”
DUM“Itwassokindofyoutocome! Andyouareverynice!”TheCarpentersaidnothingbut “Cutusanotherslice.”“Iweepforyou,”theWalrussaid: “Ideeplysympathize.”
DEE“Itseemsashame,”theWalrussaid, “Toplaythemsuchatrick.Afterwe’vebroughtthemoutsofar, Andmadethemtrotsoquick!”TheCarpentersaidnothingbut “Thebutter’sspreadtoothick!”
DUM“OOysters,”saidtheCarpenter, “You’vehadapleasantrun!
22
Shallwebetrottinghomeagain?” Butanswercametherenone—Andthiswasscarcelyodd,because They’deateneveryone.
ALICE[Lightlyclapsfortheperformance.]IliketheWalrusthebestbecausehewasalittlesorryforthepooroysters.
DEEHeatemorethantheCarpenter,though.Yousee,heheldhishandkerchiefinfront,sothattheCarpentercouldn’tcounthowmanyhetook:contrariwise.
ALICEThatwasmean!ThenIliketheCarpenterbest—Ifhedidn’teatsomanyastheWalrus.
DUMButheateasmanyashecouldget.
ALICEWell!Theywerebothveryunpleasantcharacters—[Cheerfully.]Atanyrate,I’dbetterbegettingoutofthewood,forreallyit’scomingonverydark.Doyouthinkit’sgoingtorain?
DUM[Pullsoutanumbrellaandspreadsitacrosshimandhisbrother.]No,Idon’tthinkitis.Atleast—Notunderhere.Nohow.Butitmayrainoutside?
DEEItmay—Ifitchooses.We’venoobjection.Contrariwise.
ALICESelfishthings!Good—[DumspringsfromundertheumbrellaandgrabsAlice’swrist.]
DUMDoyouseethat?[Pointsatasmallwhiteobject.]
ALICEIt’sonlyarattle.Notarattle-snake,youknow.Onlyanoldrattle—Quiteoldandbroken.
DUM[Stompingtheground.]Iknowitwas!It’sspoilt,ofcourse!
23
[Deehidesbehindtheumbrella.]
ALICEYouneedn’tbesoangryaboutanoldrattle.
DUMButitisn’told!It’snew,Itellyou—Iboughtityesterday—MyniceNEWRATTLE![Deetryingtohidehimselfgotalltangledintheumbrella,whichdistractsAlicefromDum’stantrum.]
ALICE[Laughing.]Youlookmorelikeafishthananythingelsenow.
DUM[Calmer.]Ofcourse,youagreetohaveabattle?
DEE[Crawlingoutfromtheumbrella.]Isupposeso.Onlyshemusthelpustodressup,youknow.
[Thetwobrothersleavefurtherintothewoodstograbtheirthings.Theyreturnwithbolsters,blankets,hearthrugs,tablecloths,dishcovers,andcoalscuttles.]
DUMIhopeyou’reagoodhandatpinningandtyingstrings?Everyoneofthesethingshasgottogoon,somehoworother.
[Aliceaidsthebrothersingettingalltheitemson.Shestruggleswithallthevariousquantitiesofitemsandtheirconstantfussingaroundmakingsureeverythingwastiedperfectly.]
ALICEReallyyoubothbemorelikebundlesofoldclothesthananythingelse,bythetimeyou’reready.
DEEHelpmeputthisaroundmyneck! [HandsAliceabolster.]Itwillkeepmyheadfromgettingcutoff.Youknow,it’soneofthemostseriousthingsthatcanpossiblyhappentooneinabattle—Togetone’sheadcutoff.[Alicelaughsloudlyandthenplaysitoffasacough.]
DUM
24
DoIlookverypale?[HandingasaucepantoAlicetoplaceonhimasahelmet.]
ALICEWell—Yes—Alittle.
DUMI’mverybrave,generally.[Inalowervoice.]OnlytodayIhaveaheadache.
DEEAndI’vegotatoothache!I’mfarworsethanyou!
ALICEThenyou’dbetternotfighttoday.
DUMWemusthaveabitofafight,butIdon’tcareaboutgoingonlong.What’sthetimenow?
DEE[Lookingathiswatch.]Half-pastfour.
DUMLet’sfighttillsix,andthenhavedinner.
DEE[Sadly.]Verywell,andshecanwatchus—Onlyyou’dbetternotcomeveryclose.IgenerallyhiteverythingIcansee—WhenIgetreallyexcited.
DUMAndIhiteverythingwithinreach,whetherIcanseeitornot!
ALICE[Laughing.]Youmusthitthetreesprettyoften,Ishouldthink.
DUM[Smiling.]Idon’tsupposethere’llbeatreeleftstanding,foreversofarround,bythetimewe’vefinished!
ALICEAndallforarattle!
DUMIshouldn’thavemindeditsomuch,ifithadn’tbeenanewone.
ALICE[Underherbreath.]Iwishthemonstrouscrowwouldcome.
25
DUMThere’sonlyonesword,youknow,butyoucanhavetheumbrella—It’squitesharp.Onlywemustbeginquick. [Theskysuddenlybeginstogetdark.]It’sgettingasdarkasitcan.
DEEAnddarker!
ALICEWhatathickblackcloudthatis!Andhowfastitcomes!Why,Idobelieveit’sgotwings!
DUM[Shrilling.]It’sthecrow![Thetwobrotherstaketotheirheelsandwereoutofsightinamomentsflash.DumandDeeexit.AsthecrowgetscloseritswingsbegintocreateastrongwindblowingagainstAlice.]
ALICEIwishitwouldn’tflapitswingsso—Itmakesquiteahurricaneinthewood. [Asshesaysthis,shenoticesoneofthetreeshasadoorleadingrightintoit.]That’sverycurious!Buteverything’scurioustoday.IthinkImayaswellgoinatonce.Itcannevergetmehere.
26
Scene5:AMadTeaParty
Alicefindsherselfinaclearingontheothersideofthedoorinthetree.Thereisatablesetoutunderatreeinfrontofthehouse,whereTheMarchHareandtheMadHatterarehavingtea.Thetableisalargeone,butthethreewereallcrowdedtogetheratonecornerofit.ADormousesitsbetweenthem,fastasleep,andtheothertwouseitasacushion,restingtheirelbowsonit,andtalkingoveritshead.Aliceapproaches.
VOICE
AlicehadnotgonemuchfartherbeforeshecameinsightofthehouseoftheMarchHare.Shethoughtitmustbetherighthouse,becausethechimneyswereshapedlikeearsandtheroofwasthatchedwithfur.Itwassolargeahouse,thatshedidnotliketogonearertillshehadnibbledsomemoreoftheleft-handbitofmushroom,andraisedherselftoabouttwofeethigh:eventhenshewalkeduptowardsitrathertimidly,sayingtoherself—
ALICE[Toaudience.]Isupposeitshouldberavingmadafterall!IalmostwishI’dgonetoseetheHatterinstead!VeryuncomfortablefortheDormouse,only,asit’sasleep,Isupposeitdoesn’tmind.[Alicewalksuptothetable.]
HATTER&HARENoroom!Noroom!
ALICEThere’splentyofroom![Alicesitsattheendofthetable.]
HAREHavesomewine.
ALICEIdon'tseeanywine.
HAREThereisn’tany.
ALICEThenitwasn’tverycivilofyoutoofferit.
HAREItwasn'tverycivilofyoutositdownwithoutbeinginvited.
27
ALICEIdidn’tknowitwasyourtable,it’slaidforagreatmanymorethanthree.
HATTERHaveyouseentheQueen?
ALICEIdon’tknowtheQueen.
HATTERYoushouldletherknowifyouseehertarts.
HARESomeonestolethem.
HATTER[Thoughtfully.]Whyisaravenlikeawritingdesk?
ALICE[Toaudience.]Come,weshallhavesomefunnow!I’mgladthey’vebegunaskingriddles.[Tothem.]IbelieveIcanguessthat.
HAREDoyoumeanthatyouthinkyoucanfindouttheanswertoit?
ALICEExactlyso.
HAREThenyoushouldsaywhatyoumean.
ALICEIdo,atleast—atleastImeanwhatIsay—that’sthesamething,youknow.
HATTERNotthesamethingabit!Youmightjustaswellsaythat“IseewhatIeat”isthesamethingas“IeatwhatIsee”!
HAREYoumightjustaswellsaythat“IlikewhatIget”isthesamethingas“IgetwhatIlike”!
DORMOUSE[Asiftalkinginitssleep.]Youmightjustaswellsaythat“IbreathewhenIsleep”isthesamethingas“IsleepwhenIbreathe!”
28
HATTERItisthesamethingwithyou [Longsilence.][Examinespocketwatch.]Whatdayofthemonthisit?
ALICEThefourth.
HATTERTwodayswrong!Itoldyoubutterwouldn'tsuittheworks!
HAREItwasthebestbutter.
HATTERYes,butsomecrumbsmusthavegotinaswell.Youshouldn'thaveputitinwiththebreadknife.
HARE[Takesthewatchandlooksatitgloomily,thendipsitintohiscupoftea,andlooksatitagain.]Itwasthebestbutter,youknow.
ALICE[LookingoverHatter’sshoulder.]Whatafunnywatch!Ittellsthedayofthemonth,anddoesn’ttellwhato’clockitis!
HATTERWhyshouldit?Doesyourwatchtellyouwhatyearitis?
ALICEOfcoursenot,butthat'sbecauseitstaysthesameyearforsuchalongtimetogether.
HATTERWhichisjustthecasewithmine.
ALICEIdon'tquiteunderstandyou.
HATTERTheDormouseisasleepagain.[TheHatterpoursteaontheDormouse’snose.]
DORMOUSE[Doesn’tevenopenitseyes.]Ofcourse,ofcourse,justwhatIwasgoingtoremarkmyself.
29
HATTER
Haveyouguessedtheriddleyet?
ALICENo,Igiveitup,what’stheanswer?
HATTERIhaven’ttheslightestidea.
HARENorI.
ALICEIthinkyoumightdosomethingbetterwiththetimethanwasteitinaskingriddlesthathavenoanswers.
HATTERIfyouknewTimeaswellasIdo,youwouldn’ttalkaboutwastingit.It’shim.
ALICEIdon'tknowwhatyoumean.
HATTEROfcourseyoudon’t!IdaresayyouneverevenspoketoTime!
ALICEPerhapsnot,butIknowIhavetobeattimewhenIlearnmusic.
HATTERAh!thataccountsforit.Hewon’tstandbeating.Now,ifyouonlykeptongoodtermswithhim,he’ddoalmostanythingyoulikedwiththeclock.Forinstance,supposeitwerenineo’clockinthemorning,justtimetobeginlessons.You’donlyhavetowhisperahinttoTime,androundgoestheclockinatwinkling!Half-pastone,timefordinner!
HARE[Whispers.]Ionlywishitwas.
ALICEThatwouldbegrand,certainly,butthen—Ishouldn’tbehungryforit,youknow.
HATTERNotatfirst,perhaps,butyoucouldkeepittohalf-pastoneaslongasyouliked.
ALICE
30
Isthatthewayyoumanage?
HATTERNotI!WequarreledlastMarch—justbeforehewentmad,youknow— [PointsatHarewithspoon.]—itwasatthegreatconcertgivenbytheQueenofHearts,andIhadtosing—Twinkle,twinkle,littlebat!HowIwonderwhatyou’reat!Youknowthesong,perhaps?
ALICEI’veheardsomethinglikeit.
HATTERItgoeson,youknow,inthisway—Upabovetheworldyoufly,Likeateatrayinthesky.Twinkle,twinkle—
DORMOUSE[Singsinsleep.]Twinkle,twinkle,twinkle,twinkle—[HatterandHarepinchDormouse,anditstops.]
HATTERWell,I’dhardlyfinishedthefirstverse,whentheQueenjumpedupandbawledout,“He’smurderingthetime!Offwithhishead!”
ALICEHowdreadfullysavage!
HATTERAndeversincethat,hewon’tdoathingIask!It’salwayssixo’clocknow.
ALICEIsthatthereasonsomanyteathingsareputouthere?
HATTERYes,that’sit,it’salwaysteatime,andwe’venotimetowashthethingsbetweenwhiles.
ALICEThenyoukeepmovinground,Isuppose?
HATTERExactlyso,asthethingsgetusedup.
31
ALICE
Butwhathappenswhenyoucometothebeginningagain?
HARESupposewechangethesubject.I’mgettingtiredofthis.Ivotetheyoungladytellsusastory.
ALICEI’mafraidIdon’tknowone.
HATTER&HAREThentheDormouseshall!Wakeup,Dormouse![HatterandHarepinchtheDormouse.]
DORMOUSEIwasn’tasleep.Iheardeverywordyoufellowsweresaying.
HARETellusastory!
ALICEYes,pleasedo!
HATTERAndbequickaboutit,oryou'llbeasleepagainbeforeit’sdone.
DORMOUSEOnceuponatimetherewerethreelittlesisters,andtheirnameswereElsie,Lacie,andTillie;andtheylivedatthebottomofawell—
ALICEWhatdidtheyliveon?
DORMOUSETheylivedontreacle.
ALICETheycouldn’thavedonethat,youknow.They’dhavebeenill.
DORMOUSESotheywere.Veryill.
ALICEButwhydidtheyliveatthebottomofawell?
32
HARE
Takesomemoretea.
ALICEI’vehadnothingyet,soIcan’ttakemore.
HATTERYoumeanyoucan'ttakeless.It’sveryeasytotakemorethannothing.
ALICE[Defeated,shehelpsherselftosometeaandbread-and-butter.]Whydidtheyliveatthebottomofawell?
DORMOUSEItwasatreacle-well.
ALICEThere’snosuchthing!
HATTER&HARESh!Sh!
DORMOUSEIfyoucan’tbecivil,you’dbetterfinishthestoryforyourself.
ALICENo,pleasegoon!Iwon’tinterruptagain.Idaresaytheremaybeone.
DORMOUSEOne,indeed!Andsothesethreelittlesisters—theywerelearningtodraw,youknow—
ALICEWhatdidtheydraw?
DORMOUSETreacle.
HATTERIwantacleancup.Let’sallmoveoneplaceon.[Theyallmovedownoneplace.]
ALICEButIdon’tunderstand.Wheredidtheydrawthetreaclefrom?
33
HATTER
Youcandrawwateroutofawater-well,soIshouldthinkyoucoulddrawtreacleoutofatreacle-well—eh,stupid?
ALICEButtheywereinthewell.
DORMOUSEOfcoursetheywere—wellin.Theywerelearningtodraw—[Yawn.]—andtheydrewallmannerofthings—everythingthatbeginswithanM—
ALICEWhywithanM?
HAREWhynot?[TheDormouseisasleep.Hatterpinchesitawake.]
DORMOUSE—thatbeginswithanM,suchasmousetraps,andthemoon,andmemory,andmuchness—youknowyousaythingsare“muchofamuchness”—didyoueverseesuchathingasadrawingofamuchness?
ALICEReally,nowyouaskme,Idon'tthink—
HATTERThenyoushouldn’ttalk.[ThisismorethanAlicecanbear.Shegetsupandwalksoff.Theotherstakenonotice.Shelooksbackonceortwice,hopingtheywouldcallherback,butinsteadHatterandHarearetryingtoputDormouseinateapot.]
ALICEAtanyrateI'llnevergothereagain!It’sthestupidestteapartyIeverwasatinallmylife![Exits.]
34
ACTII
Scene6:HumptyDumpty
Aliceexitsthewoodsandfindsherselfontopofahilloverlookingameadowlinedwithbrooksandhedgesthatlookvaguelylikethesquaresonachessboard.Alongthesideoftheroadisahighwall.HumptyDumptyissittingwithhislegscrossed,precariouslybalancedontopofthewall.
VOICEAlicefoundherselfontheothersideofthewoods,uponacountryroadwindingthroughlovelymeadow.ForsomeminutesAlicestooduponahillwithoutspeaking,lookingoutinalldirectionsoverthecountry—andamostcuriouscountryitwas.Therewereanumberoftinylittlebrooksrunningstraightacrossitfromsidetoside,andthegroundbetweenwasdividedupintosquaresbyanumberoflittlegreenhedges,thatreachedfrombrooktobrook.Ontheedgeofthebrookwasawall,andbalancedcuriouslyontopofthewall,anegg.Whenshecamewithinafewyardsofit,shesawthatithadeyesandanoseandmouth.ThehighwallwassonarrowthatAlicequitewonderedhowhecouldkeephisbalance—and,ashiseyesweresteadilyfixedintheoppositedirection,andhedidn’ttaketheleastnoticeofher,shethoughthemustbeastuffedfigureafterall.
ALICE
[Toaudience.]Howexactlylikeaneggheis.
HUMPTY[Toanearbytree.]It’sveryprovokingtobecalledanegg—very!
ALICEIsaidyoulookedlikeanegg,Sir.Andsomeeggsareverypretty,youknow.
HUMPTY[Stilltalkingtothetree.]Somepeoplehavenomoresensethanababy!
ALICE[Afterapause.]HumptyDumptysatonawall:HumptyDumptyhadagreatfall.AlltheKing’shorsesandalltheKing’smenCouldn’tputHumptyDumptyinhisplaceagain. [Toaudience.]Thatlastlineismuchtoolongforthepoetry.
HUMPTY[ToAlice.]Don’tstandtherechatteringtoyourselflikethat,buttellmeyournameandyourbusiness.
35
ALICE
MynameisAlice,but—
HUMPTYIt’sastupidnameenough!Whatdoesitmean?
ALICEMustanamemeansomething?
HUMPTY[Laughing.]Ofcourseitmust.MynamemeanstheshapeIam—andagoodhandsomeshapeitis,too.Withanamelikeyours,youmightbeanyshape,almost.
ALICEDon’tyouthinkyou’dbesaferdownontheground?Thatwallissoverynarrow!
HUMPTY
Whattremendouslyeasyriddlesyouask!OfcourseIdon’tthinkso!Why,ifeverIdidfalloff—whichthere’snochanceof—butifIdid— [Hepurseshislipsandlookssolemn.]IfIdidfall,theKinghaspromisedme—withhisveryownmouth—to—to—
ALICETosendallhishorsesandallhismen.
HUMPTYNowIdeclarethat’stoobad!You’vebeenlisteningatdoors—andbehindtrees—anddownchimneys—oryoucouldn’thaveknownit!
ALICEIhaven’t,indeed!It’sinabook.
HUMPTYAh,well!Theymaywritesuchthingsinabook.That’swhatyoucallaHistoryofEngland,thatis.Now,takeagoodlookatme!I’monethathasspokentoaKing,Iam:mayhapyou’llneverseesuchanother:andtoshowyouI’mnotproud,youmayshakehandswithme![Hegrins,leansforward,andoffersAlicehishand.Alicelooksathimthentakesit.]
ALICE[Changingthesubject.]Whatabeautifulbeltyou’vegoton!—Atleast,abeautifulcravat,Ishouldhavesaid—no,abelt,Imean—Ibegyourpardon! [Humptylooksthoroughlyoffended.][Toaudience.]IfIonlyknewwhichwasneckandwhichwaswaist!
36
HUMPTY
It’sacravat,child,andabeautifulone,asyousay.It’sapresentfromtheKingandQueen.Theygaveitme—foranun-birthdaypresent.
ALICEWhatisanun-birthdaypresent?
HUMPTYApresentgivenwhenitisn’tyourbirthday,ofcourse.
ALICE[Considersitalittle.]Ilikebirthdaypresentsbest.
HUMPTYYoudon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout!Howmanydaysarethereinayear?
ALICEThreehundredandsixty-five.
HUMPTYAndhowmanybirthdayshaveyou?
ALICEOne.
HUMPTYAndifyoutakeonefromthreehundredandsixty-five,whatremains?
ALICEThreehundredandsixty-four,ofcourse.
HUMPTYThatmeanstherearethreehundredandsixty-fourdayswhenyoumightgetun-birthdaypresents—
ALICECertainly.
HUMPTYAndonlyoneforbirthdaypresents,youknow.There’sgloryforyou!
ALICEIdon’tknowwhatyoumeanby“glory.”
HUMPTY
37
Ofcourseyoudon’t—tillItellyou.Imeant“there’saniceknockdownargumentforyou!”
ALICEBut“glory”doesn’tmean“aniceknockdownargument.”
HUMPTYWhenIuseaword,itmeansjustwhatIchooseittomean—neithermorenorless.
ALICEThequestionis,whetheryoucanmakewordsmeansomanydifferentthings.
HUMPTYThey’veatemper,someofthem—particularlyverbs,they’retheproudest—adjectivesyoucandoanythingwith,butnotverbs—however,Icanmanagethewholeofthem!Impenetrability!That’swhatIsay!
ALICEWouldyoutellme,please,whatthatmeans?
HUMPTY[Lookingpleased.]Nowyoutalklikeareasonablechild,Imeantby“impenetrability”thatwe’vehadenoughofthatsubject,anditwouldbejustaswellifyou’dmentionwhatyoumeantodonext,asIsupposeyoudon’tmeantostopherealltherestofyourlife.
ALICE[Thoughtfully.]That’sagreatdealtomakeonewordmean.Youseemverycleveratexplainingwords,Sir.Wouldyoukindlytellmethemeaningofthepoemcalled“Jabberwocky”?
HUMPTYLet’shearit.Icanexplainallthepoemsthatwereeverinvented—andagoodmanythathaven’tbeeninventedjustyet.
ALICE‘Twasbrillig,andtheslithytovesDidgyreandgimbleinthewabe;Allmimsyweretheborogoves,Andthemomerathsoutgrabe.
HUMPTYThat’senoughtobeginwith.Thereareplentyofhardwordsthere.“Brillig”meansfouro’clockintheafternoon—thetimewhenyoubegin“broiling”thingsfordinner.
ALICE
38
That’lldoverywell.And“slithy?”
HUMPTYWell,“slithy”means“litheandslimy.”“Lithe”isthesameas“active.”Youseeit’slikeaportmanteau—therearetwomeaningspackedupintooneword.
ALICEIseeitnow.Andwhatare“toves?”
HUMPTYWell,“toves”aresomethinglikebadgers—they’resomethinglikelizards—andthey’resomethinglikecorkscrews.
ALICETheymustbeverycuriouslookingcreatures.
HUMPTYTheyarethat.Alsotheymaketheirnestsundersundials—alsotheyliveoncheese.
ALICEAnd“thewabe”isthegrassplotroundasundial,Isuppose?
HUMPTYOfcourseitis.It’scalled“wabe,”youknow,becauseitgoesalongwaybeforeit,andalongwaybehindit—
ALICEAndalongwaybeyonditoneachside.
HUMPTYExactlyso.Well,then,“mimsy”is“flimsyandmiserable.”There’sanotherportmanteauforyou.
ALICEAndwhatdoes“outgrabe”mean?
HUMPTYWell,“outgribing”issomethingbetweenbellowingandwhistling,withakindofsneezeinthemiddle:however,you’llhearitdone,maybe—downinthewoodyonder—andwhenyou’veonceheardityou’llbequitecontent.Who’sbeenrepeatingallthathardstufftoyou?
ALICEIhadsomepoetryrepeatedtome.
HUMPTY
39
Astopoetry,youknow,Icanrepeatpoetryaswellasotherfolk,ifitcomestothat—
ALICE[Hastily.]Oh,itneedn’tcometothat!
HUMPTYThepieceI’mgoingtorepeatwaswrittenentirelyforyouramusement.
ALICE[Sitsdown.Sadly.]Thankyou.
HUMPTYIsentamessagetothefish:Itoldthem“ThisiswhatIwish.”Thelittlefishesofthesea,Theysentananswerbacktome.Thelittlefishes’answerwas“Wecannotdoit,Sir,because—”
ALICEI’mafraidIdon’tquiteunderstand.
HUMPTYItgetseasierfurtheron.Someonecametomeandsaid,“Thelittlefishesareinbed.”Isaidtohim,Isaiditplain,“Thenyoumustwakethemupagain.”Isaiditveryloudandclear;Iwentandshoutedinhisear.[Raisinghisvoice.]Isaiditveryloudandclear!Iwentandshoutedinhisear!
ALICE[Toaudience,withashudder.]Iwouldn’thavebeenthemessengerforanything!
HUMPTYItookacorkscrewfromtheshelf:Iwenttowakethemupmyself.AndwhenIfoundthedoorwaslocked,Ipulledandpushedandknocked.AndwhenIfoundthedoorwasshut,Itriedtoturnthehandle,but—[Longpause.]
40
ALICE
[Timidly.]Isthatall?
HUMPTYThat’sall.[Suddenly.]Goodbye.[Alice,stunned,slowlygetsupandholdsoutherhand.]
ALICE[Ascheerfullyasshecanmanage.]Goodbye,tillwemeetagain!
HUMPTY[Inadiscontentedtone.]Ishouldn’tknowyouagainifwedidmeet. [Givesheroneofhisfingerstoshake.]You’resoexactlylikeotherpeople.
ALICE[Thoughtfully.]Thefaceiswhatonegoesby,generally.
HUMPTYThat‘sjustwhatIcomplainof.Yourfaceisthatsameaseverybodyhas—thetwoeyes,so— [Markingtheirplacesintheairwiththisthumb.]Noseinthemiddle,mouthunder.It’salwaysthesame.Nowifyouhadthetwoeyesonthesamesideofthenose,forinstance—orthemouthatthetop—thatwouldbesomehelp.
ALICEItwouldn’tlooknice.
HUMPTY[Shutshiseyes.]Waittillyou’vetried.[Alicewaitsaminutetoseeifhewillspeakagain,buthiseyesstayclosed.]
ALICEGoodbye![Toaudienceassheleaves.]Ofalltheunsatisfactory—OfalltheunsatisfactorypeopleIevermet—[Aheavycrashshakestheforestfromendtoend.Alicelooksback,wonderingifHumptyhasfallenoffthewall.]
41
Scene7:TheQueen’sCroquetGround
AgreenneartheentrancetotheRoyalPalace.Thereisalargerosetree.Therosesarewhite,butThreeCardGardenersarepaintingthemred.
VOICEAlicewalkedwearilyalongtheroad,wonderingifshewouldeverfindherwayhome.SoonshefoundherselfatthegatetotheQueen’spalace.Alargerose-treestoodneartheentranceofthecourtyarduponanexpansivegreen.Therosesgrowingonitwerewhite,buttherewerethreegardenersatit,busilypaintingthemred.Alicethoughtthisaverycuriousthing,andshewentnearertowatchthem,andjustasshecameuptothemsheheardoneofthemsay—
TWOLookoutnow,Five!Don'tgosplashingpaintovermelikethat!
FIVEIcouldn'thelpit.Sevenjoggedmyelbow.
SEVENThat'sright,Five!Alwayslaytheblameonothers!
FIVEYou’dbetternottalk!IheardtheQueensayonlyyesterdayyoudeservedtobebeheaded!
TWOWhatfor?
SEVENThat'snoneofyourbusiness,Two!
FIVEYes,itishisbusiness!AndI'lltellhim—itwasforbringingthecooktuliprootsinsteadofonions.
SEVEN[Flingingdownhisbrush.]Well,ofalltheunjustthings— [SevennoticesAlice,checkshimself,andbowslow;theothersalsobow.]
42
ALICE
Wouldyoutellme,whyyouarepaintingthoseroses?[FiveandSevenlookatTwo.]
TWOWhythefactis,yousee,Miss,thishereoughttohavebeenaredrosetree,andweputawhiteoneinbymistake;andiftheQueenwastofinditout,weshouldallhaveourheadscutoff,youknow.Soyousee,Miss,we'redoingourbest,aforeshecomes,to— [Noticessomethingoffstage.]TheQueen!TheQueen![Allthreecardsflingthemselvestothegroundprostrate.Incomestheroyalprocession:soldiers,courtiers,theroyalchildren,theKingsandQueensofothersuits,theWhiteRabbit,theKnaveofHearts,andtheKingandQueenofHearts.]
ALICE[Toaudience.]ShouldIbowtoo?No,I’veneverheardthatrule.Andbesides,whatwouldbetheuseofaprocessionifpeoplehadalltoliedownupontheirfaces,sothattheycouldn'tseeit?[AstheprocessionreachesAlice,allstopandlookather.]
QUEEN[TotheKnave.]Whoisthis? [TheKnavesmilesandbowsbutsaysnothing.]Idiot! [TurnstoAlice.]What'syourname,child?
ALICEMynameisAlice,sopleaseyourMajesty.[Toaudience.]Why,they'reonlyapackofcards,afterall.Ineedn'tbeafraidofthem!
QUEEN[TuriningtotheGardeners.]Andwhoarethese?
ALICE
43
HowshouldIknow?It'snobusinessofmine.
QUEENOffwithherhead!Off—
ALICENonsense!
KINGConsider,mydear:sheisonlyachild!
QUEEN[TotheKnave.]Turnthemover! [TheKnaveturnsovertheGardenerswithhisfoot.]Getup! [TheGardenersjumptotheirfeetandstartbowingtoeveryone.]Leaveoffthat!Youmakemegiddy. [Turnstotherosetree.]Whathaveyoubeendoinghere?
TWOMayitpleaseyourMajesty,weweretrying—
QUEEN
[Examiningtheroses.]Isee!Offwiththeirheads![Theprocessionmoveson.TheExecutionerremainsbehindtodothebeheadings.TheGardenersruntoAliceforprotection.]
ALICEYoushan'tbebeheaded![Aliceguidesthemintohidinginagiantflowerpot.TheExecutionerwandersaround,lookingforthem,thenshrugsandmarchesback.]
QUEENAretheirheadsoff?
EXECUTIONERTheirheadsaregone,ifitpleaseyourMajesty!
44
QUEEN
That'sright![ToAlice.]Canyouplaycroquet?
ALICEYes!
QUEENComeon,then![AlicejoinstheprocessionandendsupnexttotheWhiteRabbit,whoislookingatheranxiously.]
RABBITIt’s—it’saveryfineday!
ALICEVery.Where’stheDuchess?
RABBITHush!Hush! [Looksaround,thenwhispersinAlice’sear.]She’sundersentenceofexecution.
ALICEWhatfor?
RABBITDidyousay“Whatapity!”?
ALICENo,Ididn’t.Idon’tthinkit’satallapity.Isaid“Whatfor?”
RABBITSheboxedtheQueen’sears—[Alicegivesascreamoflaughter.]Oh,hush!TheQueenwillhearyou!Yousee,shecameratherlate,andtheQueensaid—
QUEENGettoyourplaces!
45
[Everyonerunstogetintotheirplaces,andthegamebegins.Itischaos.Theballsarelivehedgehogs,themalletsareliveflamingoes,andtheExecutionerisdoubledovertoformanarch.Alicestruggleswithherflamingo,occasionallylaughing.Theplayersallplayatoncewithoutwaitingforturns,quarrellingwitheachother,andafterawhiletheQueenstartscallingforbeheadings.]
ALICEThey’redreadfullyfondofbeheadingpeoplehere;thegreatwonderis,thatthere’sanyoneleftalive! [TheCheshireCatappearsintheair,beginningwithitsgrin,thenitsfullhead, butwithoutabody.]It’stheCheshireCat:nowIshallhavesomebodytotalkto.
CATHowareyougettingon?
ALICEIdon'tthinktheyplayatallfairly,andtheyallquarrelsodreadfullyonecan’thearoneselfspeak—andtheydon’tseemtohaveanyrulesinparticular;atleast,ifthereare,nobodyattendstothem—andyou’venoideahowconfusingitisallthethingsbeingalive;forinstance,there’sthearchI’vegottogothroughnextwalkingaboutattheotherendoftheground—andIshouldhavecroquetedtheQueen’shedgehogjustnow,onlyitranawaywhenitsawminecoming!
CATHowdoyouliketheQueen?
ALICENotatall,she’ssoextremely— [NoticestheQueenlistening.]—likelytowin,thatit’shardlyworthwhilefinishingthegame.[TheQueensmilesandpasseson.TheKingapproachesAlice,lookingcuriouslyattheCat.]
KINGWhoareyoutalkingto?
ALICEIt’safriendofmine—aCheshireCat,allowmetointroduceit.
46
KING
Idon'tlikethelookofitatall,however,itmaykissmyhandifitlikes.
CATI’drathernot.
KINGDon’tbeimpertinent,anddon’tlookatmelikethat![TheKinggetsbehindAlice.]
ALICEAcatmaylookataking.I’vereadthatinsomebook,butIdon’trememberwhere.
KINGWell,itmustberemoved.[TotheQueen.]Mydear!Iwishyouwouldhavethiscatremoved!
QUEEN[Comingover.]Offwithhishead!
KINGFetchtheexecutioner![TheExecutionerarrives,andconferswiththeKingandQueen,whobegintoargue.]
EXECUTIONERYoucan’tcutoffaheadunlessthere’sabodytocutitofffrom.I’veneverhadtodosuchathingbefore,andI’mnotgoingtobeginatmytimeoflife.
KINGDon’ttalknonsense.Anythingthathasaheadcanbebeheaded.
QUEENIfsomething’snotdoneaboutthisinlessthannotimeI’llhaveeverybodyexecutedallround!
ALICEItbelongstotheDuchess:you'dbetteraskheraboutit.
47
QUEEN
She’sinprison.[TotheExecutioner.]Fetchherhere.[TheExecutionerexits,butthentheCatslowlydisappears.]
KINGWhere’sitgone?[TheKinglooksaroundforitwhiletheQueenreturnstothegame.TheDuchessentersandgoesstraighttoAlice.]
DUCHESSYoucan'tthinkhowgladIamtoseeyouagain,youdearoldthing![TheDuchesstucksherarmaffectionatelyintoAlice’s.]
ALICEYou’reinsuchapleasanttemper!Wasitallthepepperinthekitchenthatmadeyousosavagebefore?WhenI'maDuchess,Iwon'thaveanypepperinmykitchenatall.Soupdoesverywellwithout—Maybeit’salwayspepperthatmakespeoplehot-tempered,andvinegarthatmakesthemsour—andcamomilethatmakesthembitter—and—andbarley-sugarandsuchthingsthatmakechildrensweet-tempered.Ionlywishpeopleknewthat:thentheywouldn’tbesostingyaboutit,youknow—
DUCHESSIcan’ttellyoujustnowwhatthemoralofthatis,butIshallrememberitinabit.
ALICEPerhapsithasn’tone.
DUCHESSTut,tut,child!Everything’sgotamoral,ifonlyyoucanfindit.
ALICEThegame’sgoingonratherbetternow.
DUCHESS’Tisso,andthemoralofthatis—“Oh,’tislove,’tislove,thatmakestheworldgoround!”
48
ALICE
Howfondyouareoffindingmoralsinthings!
DUCHESSIdaresayyou'rewonderingwhyIdon’tputmyarm’roundyourwaist.Thereasonis,thatI'mdoubtfulaboutthetemperofyourflamingo.ShallItrytheexperiment?
ALICEHemightbite.
DUCHESSVerytrue,flamingoesandmustardbothbite.Andthemoralofthatis—“Birdsofafeatherflocktogether.”
ALICEOnlymustardisn'tabird.
DUCHESSRight,asusual,whataclearwayyouhaveofputtingthings!
ALICEIt’samineral,Ithink.
DUCHESSOfcourseitis,there'salargemustard-minenearhere.Andthemoralofthatis—“Themorethereisofmine,thelessthereisofyours.”
ALICEOh,Iknow!It’savegetable.Itdoesn’tlooklikeone,butitis.
DUCHESSIquiteagreewithyou,andthemoralofthatis—“Bewhatyouwouldseemtobe”—orifyou’dlikeitputmoresimply—“Neverimagineyourselfnottobeotherwisethanwhatitmightappeartoothersthatwhatyouwereormighthavebeenwasnototherwisethanwhatyouhadbeenwouldhaveappearedtothemtobeotherwise.”
ALICEIthinkIshouldunderstandthatbetter,ifIhaditwrittendown,butIcan'tquitefollowitasyousayit.
49
DUCHESS
ImakeyouapresentofeverythingI'vesaidasyet. [Alicesaysnothing.]Thinking?
ALICEI’vearighttothink.
DUCHESSJustaboutasmuchright,aspigshavetofly;andthemor— [NoticestheQueenwatching;inalow,weakvoice.]Afineday,yourMajesty!
QUEENNow,Igiveyoufairwarning,eitheryouoryourheadmustbeoff,andthatinabouthalfnotime!Takeyourchoice![TheDuchesstakesherchoice,andexits.]
QUEENHaveyouseentheMockTurtleyet?
ALICENo.Idon’tevenknowwhataMockTurtleis.
QUEENIt’sthethingMockTurtleSoupismadefrom.
ALICEIneversawone,orheardofone.
QUEENComeon,then,andheshalltellyouhishistory,[TheQueenandAliceleavethecroquetgroundtogether.OncetheKingseesthatthey’regone,hegoesuptothecompanygatheredforexecution,whichmayjustbetheaudience.]
KING
50
Youareallpardoned.[Theyexit.]
51
Scene8:TheMockTurtle’sStoryandLobsterQuadrille
AliceandtheQueenwalkalongthecastlewall,overlookingtheocean.
VOICEAliceandtheQueenwalkedalongtheedgeofthecastlegrounds,tracingtheoutlineofawalkwayuponanenormouscliffoverlookingthesea.TheyverysooncameuponaGryphon,lyingfastasleepinthesun.
QUEEN
Up,lazything!AndtakethisyoungladytoseetheMockTurtle,andtohearhishistory.ImustgobackandseeaftersomeexecutionsIhaveordered.[QueenExits.]
GRYPHONWhatfun!
ALICEWhatisthefun?
GRYPHONWhy,she—It’sallherfancy,that:theyneverexecutesnobody,youknow.Comeon!
ALICEEverybodysays“comeon!”here.Ineverwassoorderedaboutbeforeinallmylife,never!
VOICETheyhadnotgonefarbeforetheysawtheMockTurtleinthedistance,sittingsadandlonelyonalittleledgeofrock,and,astheycamenearer,Alicecouldhearhimsighingasifhisheartwouldbreak.Shepitiedhimdeeply.
ALICEWhatishissorrow?
GRYPHONIt’sallhisfancy,that:hehasn’tgotnosorrow,youknow.Comeon![ToTurtle.]Thishereyounglady,shewantsfortoknowyourhistory,shedo.
TURTLEI’lltellither,sitdown,bothofyou,anddon’tspeakawordtillI’vefinished.
ALICEIdon’tseehowhecaneverfinish,ifhedoesn’tbegin.
52
TURTLE[Sobbinguncontrollably.]Once,IwasarealTurtle.
GRYPHON[Clearinghisthroat.]Hjckrrh!
TURTLE[Stopstocry.Afterabit,slowly.]Whenwewerelittle,wewenttoschoolinthesea.ThemasterwasanoldTurtle—weusedtocallhimTortoise—
ALICEWhydidyoucallhimTortoise,ifhewasn’tone?
TURTLE[Angrily.]WecalledhimTortoisebecausehetaughtus,reallyyouareverydull!
GRYPHONYououghttobeashamedofyourselfforaskingsuchasimplequestion.[ToTurtle.]Driveon,oldfellow!Don’tbealldayaboutit!
TURTLEYes,wewenttoschoolinthesea,thoughyoumayn’tbelieveit—
ALICEIneversaidIdidn’t!
TURTLEYoudid!
GRYPHONHoldyourtongue!
TURTLEWehadthebestofeducations—infact,wewenttoschooleveryday—
ALICEI’vebeentoaday-schooltoo,youneedn’tbesoproudasallthat.
TURTLEWithextras?
ALICEYes,welearnedFrenchandmusic.
TURTLEAndwashing?
53
ALICE
Certainlynot!
TURTLEAh!Thenyourswasn’tareallygoodschool,nowatourstheyhadattheendofthebill,“French,music,andwashing—extra.”
ALICEYoucouldn’thavewanteditmuch,livingatthebottomofthesea.
TURTLEIcouldn’taffordtolearnit.Ionlytooktheregularcourse.
ALICEWhatwasthat?
TURTLEReelingandWrithing,ofcourse,tobeginwith,andthenthedifferentbranchesofArithmetic—Ambition,Distraction,Uglification,andDerision.
ALICEWhatelsehadyoutolearn?
TURTLEWell,therewasMystery.Mystery,ancientandmodern,withSeaography:thenDrawling—theDrawling-masterwasanoldconger-eelthatusedtocomeonceaweek:hetaughtusDrawling,Stretching,andFaintinginCoils.
ALICEWhatwasthatlike?
TURTLEWell,Ican’tshowityoumyself.I’mtoostiff.AndtheGryphonneverlearntit.
GRYPHONHadn’ttime.IwenttotheClassicalmaster,though.Hewasanoldcrab,hewas.
TURTLEIneverwenttohim,hetaughtLaughingand—[Sadly.]—Grief,theyusedtosay.
GRYPHON[Hidinghisfaceinhishands.]Sohedid,sohedid.[Changingthesubject.]That’senoughaboutlessons.Tellhersomethingaboutthegamesnow.[Turtlesighsdeeply,triestospeak,butsobschokehisvoice.]
54
GRYPHON
Sameasifhehadaboneinhisthroat.
TURTLE[Finally.]Youmaynothavelivedmuchunderthesea—
ALICEIhaven’t.
TURTLEAndperhapsyouwereneverevenintroducedtoalobster—
ALICEIoncetaste—[Stopsherself.]No,never.
TURTLESoyoucanhavenoideawhatadelightfulthingaLobsterQuadrilleis!
ALICENo,indeed,whatsortofdanceisit?
GRYPHONWhy,youfirstformintoalinealongtheseashore—
TURTLETwolines!Seals,turtles,salmon,andsoon:then,whenyou’veclearedallthejellyfishoutoftheway—
GRYPHONThatgenerallytakessometime.
TURTLE—youadvancetwice—
GRYPHONEachwithalobsterasapartner!
TURTLEOfcourse,advancetwice,settopartners—
GRYPHON—changelobsters,andretireinsameorder.
TURTLEThen,youknow,youthrowthe—
55
GRYPHON
Thelobsters!
TURTLE—asfarouttoseaasyoucan—
GRYPHONSwimafterthem!
TURTLETurnasomersaultinthesea!
GRYPHONChangelobstersagain!
TURTLEBacktolandagain,and—that’sallthefirstfigure,[ThetwocreaturessitagainandlookatAlice.]
ALICEItmustbeaveryprettydance.
TURTLEWouldyouliketoseealittleofit?
ALICEVerymuchindeed.
TURTLECome,let’strythefirstfigure!Wecandoitwithoutlobsters,youknow.Whichshallsing?
GRYPHONOh,yousing.I'veforgottenthewords.[TurtleandGryphondancearoundAlice,asTurtlesings.]
TURTLE“Willyouwalkalittlefaster?”saidawhitingtoasnail,“There’saporpoiseclosebehindus,andhe’streadingonmytail.”Seehoweagerlythelobstersandtheturtlesalladvance!Theyarewaitingontheshingle—willyoucomeandjointhedance?Willyou,won’tyou,willyou,won’tyou,willyoujointhedance?
56
Willyou,won’tyou,willyou,won’tyou,won’tyoujointhedance?YoucanreallyhavenonotionhowdelightfulitwillbeWhentheytakeusupandthrowus,withthelobsters,outtosea!Butthesnailreplied“Toofar,toofar!”andgavealookaskance—Saidhethankedthewhitingkindly,buthewouldnotjointhedance.Wouldnot,couldnot,wouldnot,couldnot,wouldnotjointhedance.Wouldnot,couldnot,wouldnot,couldnot,couldnotjointhedance.“Whatmattersithowfarwego?”hisscalyfriendreplied,Thereisanothershore,youknow,upontheotherside.ThefurtherofffromEnglandtheneareristoFrance—Thenturnnotpale,belovedsnail,butcomeandjointhedance.Willyou,won’tyou,willyou,won’tyou,willyoujointhedance?Willyou,won’tyou,willyou,won’tyou,won’tyoujointhedance?
[Thedanceends,andtheyfalllaughingtothefloor.]
ALICEIfI’dbeenthewhiting,I’dhavesaidtotheporpoise,“Keepback,please:wedon’twantyouwithus!”
TURTLETheywereobligedtohavehimwiththem.Nowisefishwouldgoanywherewithoutaporpoise.
ALICE[Withsurprise.]Wouldn’titreally?
TURTLEOfcoursenot.Why,ifafishcametome,andtoldmehewasgoingajourney,Ishouldsay“Withwhatporpoise?”
ALICEDon’tyoumean“purpose?“
TURTLE[Offended.]ImeanwhatIsay.
GRYPHONCome,let’shearsomeofyouradventures.
ALICE[Timidly.]Icouldtellyoumyadventures—beginningfromthismorning.[Rememberingherpredicament.]Butit’snousegoingbacktoyesterday,becauseIwasadifferentpersonthen.
57
TURTLE
That’sverycurious.
GRYPHONIt’sallaboutascuriousasitcanbe.
ALICE[Alicesaysnothing,andsitsdownagainwithherfaceinherhands.]Iwonderifanythingwilleverhappeninanaturalwayagain.
TURTLEIshouldliketohaveitexplained.
GRYPHONYes,Ithinkyou’dbetterleaveoff.ShallwetryanotherfigureoftheLobster-Quadrille?OrwouldyouliketheMockTurtletosingyouasong?
ALICE[Eagerly.]Oh,asong,please,iftheMockTurtlewouldbesokind.
GRYPHON[Offended.]Hm!Noaccountingfortastes![ToTurtle.]Singher“TurtleSoup,”willyou,oldfellow?
TURTLE[Sighsdeeply,andbeginstosinginavoicesometimeschokedwithsobs.] BeautifulSoup,sorichandgreen, Waitinginahottureen! Whoforsuchdaintieswouldnotstoop? Soupoftheevening,beautifulSoup! Soupoftheevening,beautifulSoup! Beau—ootifulSoo—oop! Beau—ootifulSoo—oop! Soo—oopofthee—e—evening, Beautiful,beautifulSoup! BeautifulSoup!Whocaresforfish, Game,oranyotherdish? Whowouldnotgiveallelsefortwo pennyworthonlyofbeautifulSoup? PennyworthonlyofbeautifulSoup? Beau—ootifulSoo—oop! Beau—ootifulSoo—oop! Soo—oopofthee—e—evening, Beautiful,beauti—FULSOUP!
58
GRYPHON
Chorusagain![TheWhiteRabbitenters.]
RABBITThetrial’sbeginning!
GRYPHONOhmy![TakesAlicebythehandandbeginstohurryheroffstage.]Comeon!
ALICEWhattrialisit?
GRYPHONComeon![Alice,Gryphon,andRabbitexit.]
TURTLE Soo—oopofthee—e—evening,Beautiful,beautifulSoup!
59
Scene9:WhoStoletheTarts?andAlice’sEvidence
Alice,Gryphon,andtheWhiteRabbitenterthecourtroomandseetheKing(inajudge’swig)andQueenofHeartsseatedonthrones.TheKnaveofHearts,inchains,standsbeforethethroneswiththeExecutionerandCardsguardinghim.TheWhiteRabbitpicksupatrumpetinonehandandreadsfromascrollofparchmentintheother.Inthemiddleofthecourtisatablewithalargedishoftartsuponit.HumptyDumpty(nowputtogetheragain),Tweedledum,andTweedledeeareseatedintheJuryBox.GryphonandAlicesittoobservetheproceedings.Theairisfilledwithageneraltwitteringduetoanxietyandexcitement.
RABBITSilenceinthecourt!
KING
Herald,readtheaccusation!
RABBIT[Blowsthreeblastsonthetrumpet,andthenunrollstheparchmentscroll,andreads.]TheQueenofHearts,shemadesometarts,Allonasummerday:TheKnaveofHearts,hestolethosetarts,Andtookthemquiteaway!
KING
[Tothejury.]Consideryourverdict!
RABBITNotyet,notyet!There’sagreatdealtocomebeforethat!
KING
Callthefirstwitness
RABBIT[Blowsthreeblastsonthetrumpet.]Firstwitness![TheMadHatter,theMarchHare,andtheDormouseenter.TheHatterhasateacupinonehandandapieceofbread-and-butterintheother.TheMarchHareandtheDormousesitnexttoAlice.]
HATTERIbegpardon,yourMajesty,forbringingthesein,butIhadn’tquitefinishedmyteawhenIwassentfor.
KING
Yououghttohavefinished.Whendidyoubegin?
60
HATTER
[LooksatMarchHareandDormouse.]FourteenthofMarch,Ithinkitwas.
HAREFifteenth.
DORMOUSESixteenth.
KING
[Tojury]Writethatdown. [Thejurymurmursexcitedlyastheytakethisdown.][TotheHatter.]Takeoffyourhat.
HATTERItisn’tmine.
KING
Stolen!
HATTERIkeepthemtosell,I’venoneofmyown.I’mahatter.
KING
Giveyourevidence,anddon’tbenervous,orI’llhaveyouexecutedonthespot.
DORMOUSE[ToAlice.]Iwishyouwouldn’tsqueezeso.Icanhardlybreathe.
ALICEIcan’thelpit.I’mgrowing.
DORMOUSEYou’venorighttogrowhere.
ALICEDon’ttalknonsense,youknowyou’regrowingtoo.
DORMOUSEYes,butIgrowatareasonablepace,notinthatridiculousfashion.
QUEENBringmethelistofthesingersinthelastconcert!
KING
61
Giveyourevidence,orI’llhaveyouexecuted,whetheryou’renervousornot.
HATTERI’mapoorman,yourMajesty—andIhadn’tbegunmytea—notaboveaweekorso—andwhatwiththebread-and-buttergettingsothin—andthetwinklingofthetea—
KING
Thetwinklingofthewhat?
HATTERItbeganwiththetea.
KING
OfcoursetwinklingbeginswithaT!Doyoutakemeforadunce?Goon!
HATTERI’mapoorman,andmostthingstwinkledafterthat—onlytheMarchHaresaid—
HARE
Ididn’t!
HATTERYoudid!
HARE
Idenyit!
KING[Tothejury.]Hedeniesit,leaveoutthatpart.
HATTERWell,atanyrate,theDormousesaid— [LooksanxiouslyaroundtoseeiftheDormousewoulddenyittoo,butthe Dormousedeniesnothing,beingfastasleep.]Afterthat,Icutsomemorebread-and-butter—
HUMPTYButwhatdidtheDormousesay?
HATTERThatIcan’tremember.
KING
Youmustremember,orI’llhaveyouexecuted.
62
HATTER[Dropshisteacupandbread-and-butter,andgoesdownononeknee.]I’mapoorman,yourMajesty.
KING
You’reaverypoorspeaker.Ifthat’sallyouknowaboutit,youmaystanddown.
HATTERIcan’tgonolower.I’monthefloor,asitis.
KING
Thenyoumaysitdown.
HATTERI’dratherfinishmytea.
KING
Youmaygo.[Hatterhurriedlyleavesthecourt.]
QUEEN—andjusttakehisheadoffoutside.
KING
Callthenextwitness! [TheDuchess’sCookenters,peppermillinhand.]Giveyourevidence.
COOK
Shan’t.[TheKinglooksattheWhiteRabbit,baffledbythisresponse.]
RABBIT[Inalowvoice.]YourMajestymustcross-examinethiswitness.
KING
[Melancholy.]Well,ifImust,Imust.Whataretartsmadeof?
COOKPepper,mostly.
DORMOUSETreacle.
63
QUEENCollarthatDormouse!BeheadthatDormouse!TurnthatDormouseoutofcourt!Suppresshim!Pinchhim!Offwithhiswhiskers![TheDormouseisremovedfromthecourt.TheCookexitsduringtheconfusion.]
KING
Nevermind!Callthenextwitness.[InanundertonetotheQueen]Really,mydear,youmustcross-examinethenextwitness.Itquitemakesmyforeheadache!
RABBITAlice!
ALICEHere! [Jumpsup,buthavinggrownsomuchinthelastfewminutes,sheaccidentally tipsoverthejurybox.]Oh,Ibegyourpardon!
KING
Thetrialcannotproceeduntilallthejurymenarebackintheirproperplaces—all.[Alicehelpsthejurorsreturntothejurybox.]
KING
Whatdoyouknowaboutthisbusiness?
ALICENothing.
KING
Nothingwhatever?
ALICENothingwhatever.
KING
[Tothejury.]That’sveryimportant.
RABBITUnimportant,yourMajestymeans,ofcourse.
KING
Unimportant,ofcourse,Imeant.[Inanundertone,asifheweretryingoutwhichwordsoundedbest.]Important—unimportant—unimportant—important—Silence!RuleForty-two.Allpersonsmorethanamilehightoleavethecourt.
64
[EverybodylooksatAlice.]
ALICEI’mnotamilehigh.
KING
Youare.
QUEENNearlytwomileshigh.
ALICEWell,Ishan’tgo,atanyrate.Besides,that’snotaregularrule:youinventeditjustnow.
KING
It’stheoldestruleinthebook.
ALICEThenitoughttobeNumberOne.
KING
[Tothejury.]Consideryourverdict.
RABBITThere’smoreevidencetocomeyet,pleaseyourMajesty.Thispaperhasjustbeenpickedup.
QUEENWhat’sinit?
RABBITIhaven’topenedityet,butitseemstobealetter,writtenbytheprisonerto—tosomebody.
KING
Itmusthavebeenthat,unlessitwaswrittentonobody,whichisn’tusual,youknow.
DUMWhoisitdirectedto?
RABBITItisn’tdirectedatall.Infact,there’snothingwrittenontheoutside. [Unfoldspaper.]Itisn’taletter,afterall:it’sasetofverses.
65
DEE
Aretheyintheprisoner’shandwriting?
RABBITNo,they’renot,andthat’sthequeerestthingaboutit.
KING
Hemusthaveimitatedsomebodyelse’shand.
KNAVEPleaseyourMajesty,Ididn’twriteit,andtheycan’tproveIdid.There’snonamesignedattheend.
KING
Ifyoudidn’tsignit,thatonlymakesthematterworse.Youmusthavemeantsomemischief,orelseyou’dhavesignedyournamelikeanhonestman.[Juryapplaudsthiscleverness.]
QUEENThatproveshisguilt.
ALICEItprovesnothingofthesort!Why,youdon’tevenknowwhatthey’reabout!
KING
Readthem.
RABBIT[Putsonspectacles.]WhereshallIbegin,pleaseyourMajesty?
KING
Beginatthebeginning,andgoontillyoucometotheend,thenstop.
RABBITTheytoldmeyouhadbeentoher,Andmentionedmetohim:Shegavemeagoodcharacter,ButsaidIcouldnotswim.HesentthemwordIhadnotgone(Weknowittobetrue):Ifsheshouldpushthematteron,Whatwouldbecomeofyou?
66
Igaveherone,theygavehimtwo,Yougaveusthreeormore;Theyallreturnedfromhimtoyou,Thoughtheywereminebefore.IfIorsheshouldchancetobeInvolvedinthisaffair,Hetruststoyoutosetthemfree,Exactlyaswewere.Mynotionwasthatyouhadbeen(Beforeshehadthisfit)AnobstaclethatcamebetweenHim,andourselves,andit.Don’tlethimknowshelikedthembest,ForthismusteverbeAsecret,keptfromalltherest,Betweenyourselfandme.
KING
That’sthemostimportantpieceofevidencewe’veheardyet,sonowletthejury—
ALICEIfanyoneofthemcanexplainit,I’llgivehimsixpence.Idon’tbelievethere’sanatomofmeaninginit.
KING
Ifthere’snomeaninginit,thatsavesaworldoftrouble,youknow,asweneedn’ttrytofindany.AndyetIdon’tknow.[Gesturesforthepaper;inspectsit.]Iseemtoseesomemeaninginthem,afterall.“—saidIcouldnotswim—”[TotheKnave.]Youcan’tswim,canyou?
KNAVEDoIlooklikeit?
KING
Allright,sofar.“Weknowittobetrue—”that’sthejury,ofcourse—“Igaveherone,theygavehimtwo—”why,thatmustbewhathedidwiththetarts,youknow—
ALICEBut,itgoeson“theyallreturnedfromhimtoyou.”
KING
Why,theretheyare! [Pointstothetartsonthetable.]
67
Nothingcanbeclearerthanthat.Thenagain—“beforeshehadthisfit—”youneverhadfits,mydear,Ithink?
QUEENNever!
KING
Thenthewordsdon’tfityou. [Looksroundthecourtwithasmile.Thereisadeadsilence.]It’sapun! [Everybodylaughs.]Letthejuryconsidertheirverdict.
QUEENNo,no!Sentencefirst—verdictafterwards.
ALICEStuffandnonsense!Theideaofhavingthesentencefirst!
QUEENHoldyourtongue!
ALICEIwon’t!
QUEENOffwithherhead!
ALICEWhocaresforyou?You’renothingbutapackofcards![TheCardsallrunatAlice.Atthis,thewholepackrisesupintotheairandcomesflyingdownuponher.Alicegivesalittlescream,halfoffrightandhalfofanger,andtriestofendthemoff.—Alicewakesup.]
VOICEAlicefoundherselflyinginbed.
MOMWakeup,Alicedear!Why,whatalongsleepyou’vehad!
ALICEOh,I’vehadsuchacuriousdream!
VOICE
68
Alicetoldhermother,aswellasshecouldrememberthem,allherstrangeAdventures.Whenshehadfinished,hermotherhuggedher,andsaid—
MOMItwasacuriousdream,dear,certainly:butnowruntoyourlessons.It’sgettinglate.[Aliceexits.]
VOICESoAlicegotupandranoff,thinkingwhilesheran,aswellshemight,whatawonderfuldreamithadbeen.Buthermothersatstilljustasshelefther,sittingdownandpickingupthebookAlicewasreadingthenightbefore. [AsMomreads,thescenerychangesagainfromAlice’sbedroomintothenature scenewithforestanimals.]AsmotherthoughtaboutlittleAliceandallherwonderfulAdventures,thewholeplacearoundherbecamealivewiththestrangecreaturesofAlice’sdream.Shepicturedtoherselfhowthissamedaughterofherswould,intheaftertime,beherselfagrownwoman;andhowshehopedshewouldkeep,throughallheryears,thesimpleandlovingheartofherchildhood:andhowshewouldgatheraboutherotherlittlechildren,andmaketheireyesbrightandeagerwithmanyastrangetale,perhapsevenwiththedreamofWonderlandoflongago:andhowshewouldfeelwithalltheirsimplesorrows,andfindapleasureinalltheirsimplejoys,rememberingherownchild-life,andthehappysummerdays.
[THEEND.]