Alan Greenspan Puppy

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McSweeney's Internet Tendency: Recently Retired Federal Reserve C... http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2006/12/4ward

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The Cheapo Bundle: Noisy Outlaws andThe FutureDictionary together for a bizarre $6.

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R E C E N T L YR E T I R E D F E D E R A L

R E S E R V E C H A I R M A NA L A N G R E E N S P A N

W A R N S H I S N E W P U P P YA G A I N S T " I R R A T I O N A L

E X U B E R A N C E . "

BY MICHAEL WARD

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MEMORANDUM

TO: RoarkFROM: Your buddy AlDATE: October 21, 2006RE: The Challenge of Stabilizing Your ExuberanceLevel Throughout Your Continuing Development

In the two months since I obtained you from theshelter, I have had ample opportunity to collect data onyour behavior, and I have to report that I am, for themost part, quite pleased so far.

Although you initially had numerous problems withexcessive liquidity, you have done an impressive jobof developing internal controls, as well as externalcommunications to provide others enough warning totake preventive action.

Your early problems of insufficient consumption alsoproved to be transitory. In fact, your consumption has


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grown so fast that we may need to switch to a stanceof tightening our policy so you can avoid excessweight that might put unnecessary drag upon you.

Another area where you have made admirableprogress is your risk profile. Initially, I was worriedthat you had a distinct tendency to underweightsituational risk. Whether it was wandering casually

toward the freeway or nipping at the tail of a120-pound pit bull, you displayed a distinct inability toassess potential threats. Fortunately, you seem to havemade measurable progress in this area, even if it didtake the claws of a large tabby to focus your attentionon this matter.

All in all, I must applaud the upward trend of mostrelevant indicators for your development frompuppyhood to maturity.

There is, however, one aspect of your behavior that

does portend some trouble, and that is your continuingirrational exuberance. While it is understandable thatimmediately after your arrival you would findeverything to cause the most extreme excitement, itseems like a threshold may have been crossed whereyour excitement must stabilize.

So that you do not think I am issuing this warningwithout cause, let me enumerate a few examples.When you enter a room, your current practice involvessprinting full speed to each person in the room in turn,jumping onto him or her, and then proceeding to thenext one. Although this was laudable behavior in your

earlier days, it is time to consider a more restrainedentrance and greeting policy.

Another case where your exuberance occasionallycrosses into irrationality involves flying objects. Whilethere are many cases where flying objects in yourvicinity are intended for your pursuit, this is notalways the case. A less exuberant stance toward flyingobjects would allow you to discern more accuratelywhich objects were not intended for your pursuit.

The final example involves ingestion. The enthusiasmyou display upon finding any biodegradable substance

within reach of your mouth creates a potential healthhazard. Your current protocol of treating anysubstance that can be devoured as one that must bedevoured exuberantly is unsustainable and should berevisited without delay.

Although I offer these examples and this gentlewarning, it is not my intention to move you"dogmatically" to an entirely nonexuberant posture.


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Quite the contrary. Exuberance in a dog is frequentlythe appropriate demeanor. My warning applies only tosituations where such exuberance is irrational.

I suppose that you could argue that my logic isuntenable due to the incessant problem in economicsof defining "rationality" and "irrationality." You couldclaim that a strong definition of rationality requires that

I make improper assumptions about preferences, andthat a weak definition forces me into the tautology ofdeclaring that all choices must be rational because theywere chosen. You could make these arguments, but Ido not believe you will, because you are a puppy.

Since corrective action is always less difficult and lesscomplicated when taken early, I am offering you thismild warning to assist you in planning appropriatesteps. Now let's play fetch.

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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:

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Recently Retired Federal Reserve Chairman AlanGreenspan Warns His New Puppy Against "IrrationalExuberance" By Michael WardSituations in Which I Would Be Willing to Die aPremature Death By Zhubin ParangAndy Rooney Will Seat You Now By Jason RoederMatthew Barney: "Those NFL Films Are Great"Selections From the Notebooks of Max Roosevelt,

15-Year-Old Socialist By Ben Dwertman

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