Adventures in Parenting Rev

8/4/2019 Adventures in Parenting Rev

1/67

How

and

CanHelp

YouBea

Successful

Parent

AdventuresinParenting:How

Respon

ding,Preventing,Monitoring

,Mentoring,andModelingCanHelpYouBeaSuccessfulParent

U.S.

Department

of

Health

and

Human

Services

National

Institutes

of

Health

Eunice

Kennedy

Shriver

National

Institute

of

Child

Health

and

Human

Development


2/67

Dear

Fellow

Parent,

As

parents,

we

have

the

most

important

job

in

the

world.

There

is

nothingwedoinourlifetimesthatismoresignificantthanhowwe

raise

our

children.

Its

a

challenging,

full-time

job

that

lasts

throughout

our

lives,

no

matter

how

old

our

children

get.

While

parenting

presents

us

with

struggles

and

trials,

it

also

offers

us

many

rewards.

Those

rewards,

too,

can

last

through

our

lives.

This

booklet

addresses

certain

struggles

and

trials

of

parenting

and

highlightssomeofitsmanyrewards.Theinformationisbasedondecades

of

research

on

parenting,

as

well

as

the

experiences

of

actual

parents

and

experts

in

parenting.

The

booklet

is

designed

for

parents

of

every

background,

from

first-time

parents

to

grandparents,

so

that

any

one

who

interacts

with

children

can

benefit

from

this

valuable

information.

Parenting

is

not

only

vital

to

our

present,

but

also

to

our

future,

as

our

children

themselves

become

parents.

Raising

children

is

an

adventure,

full

of

surprises

and

changes.

I

hope

that

this

information

helps

you

to

shape

your

own

parenting

practices

and

beliefs,

as

you

embark

on

your

own

parenting

adventure.

Sincerely

yours,

Duane

Alexander,

MD

Director

EuniceKennedyShriverNationalInstituteof

Child

Health

and

Human

Development


3/67

How

and

Can

Help

You

Be

a

Successful

Parent

NICHDNational Institute of Child Health& Human Development


4/67

Tableofcontents

2 Adventures inparenting

5 Respondingtoyourchildinanappropriatemanner

8 Preventingriskybehaviororproblemsbeforetheyarise

12 Monitoringyourchildscontactwithhisorhersurroundingworld

16

Mentoring

your

child

to

support

and

encourage

desired

behaviors

20 Modelingyourownbehaviortoprovideaconsistent,positiveexampleforyourchild

23 Nowwhatshould Ido?

24 Isyourchildunder three?Thenreadthis...

35 Isyourchildbetweenages fourand ten?Thenreadthis...

47 Isyourchildbetweenageselevenand fourteen?Thenreadthis...

61 References

62

Acknowledgements

63 Formore information...

RPM3

4-10YEAR

S

11-14YEARS

0-3YEARS


5/67

A

Adventures

in

parenting

Haveyouheard the latestadviceaboutparenting?

Ofcourseyouhave.Fromexpertstootherparents,peoplearealways

readytogiveyouparentingadvice.Parentingtips,parentssurvivalguides,

dos, donts, shoulds, and

shouldnts

new

ones

come

out

every

day.

Butwithsomuchinformationavailable,howcananyonefigureoutwhat

reallyworks? Howdoyouknowwhoseadvicetofollow?Isntparentingjust

commonsenseanyway? Howcantheexpertsknowwhatitsliketobe

aparentinarealhouse?

Whats

a

parent

to

do?

TryRPM3ano-frillsapproachtoparentingfromtheEuniceKennedy

ShriverNationalInstituteofChildHealthandHumanDevelopment(NICHD).

Forover30years,theNICHDhasconductedandsupportedresearch

inparentingandchilddevelopment.Wevetalkedtoexperts,parents,

andchildren.Wevecollectedstatistics,identifiedmyths,

and

tested

suggestions.

The

result

is

RPM3.

TheRPM3guidelinesarentmeanttobejustanother

parentinghowto,tellingyouwhattodo.Instead,RPM3

separatestheusefulinformationfromthenot-so-usefulsothatyoucan

makeyourowndecisionsaboutparenting.RPM3doesmorethantell

storiesaboutwhatpeoplethinkaboutparenting,itincorporates30years

of

NICHD

research

to

tell

you

what

really

works.

RPM3confirmssomethingthatyoualreadyknow:parentsdomatter.

Youmatter. Readontofindoutjusthowmuch...

Parentsdo

matter.

2


6/67

RPM3

Thefirstsectionofthisbookletexplains

eachiteminRPM3,responding,

preventing,monitoring,mentoring,

and

modeling,

in

more

detail.

These

lessonsdescribehowRPM3canhelpyou

makedailydecisionsaboutparenting.The

remainingsectionsofthebookletgive

examplesofhowsomeparentshaveusedthe

lessonsofRPM3withtheirownchildren.

Asyouread,youwillnoticenumbers,like1 or7 nexttocertainwords.Thesenumbers

relatetotheresearchthatsupportsanidea

orconcept,listedontheReferencespage.

Thesereferencesgiveyoumoreinformation

aboutNICHDparentingresearch.

Sowheredowestart?

Thefirstthingyouneedtoknowisthat

therearenoperfectparents.Parentingisnt

all-or-nothing.Successesandmistakesare

partofbeingaparent.Starttothinkabout

thetypeofparentyouwanttobe.RPM3

offersresearch-basedguidelinesforbeing:

Aneffectiveparent

Yourwordsandactionsinfluenceyour

childthewayyouwantthemto.

Aconsistentparent

Youfollowsimilarprinciplesorpracticesinyourwordsandactions.

Anactiveparent

Youparticipateinyourchildslife.

Anattentiveparent

Youpayattentiontoyourchildslifeandobservewhatgoeson.

RPM3stands

for:

Responding

to

your

child inanappropriate

manner.

Preventingrisky

behaviororproblems

before

they

arise.

Monitoringyour

childs

contact

with

his

or

her

surrounding

world.

Mentoringyour

child

to

support

and

encouragedesired

behaviors.

Modelingyourown

behavior toprovidea

consistent,

positive

example

for

your

child.

3


7/67

Byincludingresponding,preventing,monitoring,mentoring,and

modelinginyourday-to-dayparentingactivities,youcanbecomeamore

effective,consistent,active,andattentiveparent.

OnceyouhavelearnedabouteachRPM3guideline,gotothesection

thatdescribesyourchildsagetoseehowsomeparentsusetheseguidelines

intheireverydayparenting.Thinkaboutstepsyoucantaketousethese

guidelinesandideasinyourownday-to-dayparenting.

Beingamoreeffective,consistent,active,andattentiveparentisachoice

thatonlyyoucanmake.

Keep inmind...

AsyoulearnabouttheRPM3guidelinesandreadtheexamples,remember

thatresponding,preventing,monitoring,mentoring,andmodelinghavetheir

placeinparentingeverychildincludingthosechildrenwithspecialor

differentneeds.

Allchildrenbetheymentallychallenged,mentallygifted,physically

challenged,physicallygifted,orsomecombinationofthesecanbenefit

fromtheguidelinesinRPM3.Thechildrendescribedinthebooklets

examplesmightbeinwheelchairs;theycouldhaveleukemiaorasthma;they

maytakecollegelevelcourses;ortheymightbeinspecialclassesforkids

withattentiondeficitdisorder.

Thestoriesdontspecificallymentionthesetraitsbecauseallkidsneed

day-to-dayparenting,includingthoseinspecialsituations.Theguidelines

presentedinRPM3focusonhowtohandleday-to-dayparentingchoices,

inwhichachildsabilitiesordisabilitiesarenotthemostimportant

factors.Thebookletsexamplesalsoapplytofamiliesofanyculture,religion,

livingarrangement,economicstatus,andsize.Theyaddresssituationsthat

allfamiliesexperience,evenifthespecificfamilydetailsareslightlydifferent.

LetsbeginbylearningthelessonsthatRPM3hastoteach,startingwiththe

RResponding toyourchild inanappropriatemanner.

4


8/67

R

Responding toyourchild inanappropriate

manner

RPM3

Thisguidelinemayseemobvious,butrespondingismorethanjustgiving

yourchildattention.Thewordsareactuallysayingtwodifferentthings:

1)makesureyourerespondingtoyourchild,notreacting;and2)make

sure

your

response

is

appropriate,

not

overblown

or

out-of-proportion,

toocasualorminimal,ortoolate.

Areyoureactingorresponding toyourchild?

Manyparentsreacttotheirchildren.Thatis,theyanswerwiththefirst

word,feeling,oractionthatcomestomind.Itsanormalthingtodo,

especiallywithalltheotherthingspeopledoeveryday.

Whenyoureact,youarentmakingadecisionaboutwhatoutcomeyou

wantfromaneventoraction.Evenmorethanthat,ifyoureact,youcant

choosethebestwaytoreachtheoutcomeyouwant.

Respondingtoyourchildmeansthatyou

takeamomenttothinkaboutwhatisreally

going

on

before

you

speak,

feel,

or

act.

Respondingismuchharderthanreacting

becauseittakesmoretimeandeffort.

Thetimethatyoutakebetweenlookingat

theeventandacting,speaking,orfeelingis

vitaltoyourrelationshipwithyourchild.

Thattime,whetheritbeafewseconds,five

minutes,oradayortwo,allowsyoutosee

thingsmoreclearly,intermsofwhatis

happeningrightnowandwhatyouwant

tohappeninthelong-run.

The time that

you

take

between

lookingat the

eventandacting,

speaking,or

feeling isvital

toyour relationship

withyourchild.

5


9/67

What isanappropriateresponse?

Anappropriateresponseisonethatfitsthesituation.Bothyourchildsage

andthespecificfactsoftheoccasionareimportantindecidingwhatafitting

response

is.

For

example,

a

fitting

response

for

a

baby

who

is

crying

differs

fromafittingresponseforafour-year-oldora10-year-oldwhoiscrying.

Afittingresponseforaninstanceinwhichachildisrunningdependson

whetherthatchildisrunningintoabusystreetorrunningtotheswingset

ontheplayground. Yourchildsphysicaloremotionalneedsmayalsoshape

yourdecisionaboutafittingresponse.

Responding

to

your

child

inanappropriatemanner

allowsyou to:

Thinkaboutall theoptions

beforeyoumakeadecision.

Thiswillhelpyouchoosethe

bestwaytogetfromthecurrent

situationtotheoutcomethat

youwant.Bytakingtimetosee

aproblemfrommanysides,for

instance,youaremorelikely

tochoosethemostfittingresponse.

Forsituationsthathappenoften,

yourwell-thought-outresponse

can

become

almost

automatic,

like

pickingupacryingbaby.

Answersomebasicquestions:

Doyourwordsgetacrosswhat

youaretryingtosay?Doyour

actionsmatchyourwords?Areyour

emotions

getting

in

the

way

of

your

decision-making?Doyouknow

thereasonsforyourchildsactions

orbehavior?

Did

you

know...?

Parentsdomatter!1

Ofall the things that

influenceyourchilds

growthanddevelopment,

oneof themost important

is

the

reliable,

responsive,

andsensitivecareyour

childgets fromyou.

Youplayakeyrole in

yourchildsdevelopment,

alongwithyourchilds

intelligence, temperament,

outsidestresses,and

social

environment.

6


10/67

RPM3

Considerprevious,similarevents

andrecallhowyouhandled them.

Youcanremindyourchildoftheseother

times

and

their

outcomes,

to

show

that

youarereallythinkingaboutyourdecision.

Youcanuseyourpastexperiencesto

judgethecurrentsituation,decidethe

outcomeyouwant,andfigureouthow

toreachthatoutcome.

Be

a

more

consistent

parent.

Yourchildwillknowthatyouarenot

makingdecisionsbasedonwhim,

especiallyifyouexplainhowyoumade

yourchoice.Yourchildwillbemore

likelytocometoyouwithquestionsor

problemsifheorshehassomeideaof

whattoexpectfromyou.Warm,concerned,

andsensitiveresponseswillalsoincrease

thelikelihoodofyourchildcoming

toyouwithquestionsorproblems.

Rememberthatconsistentparentingdoes

notmeaninflexibleparenting.

Offeranexampleofhow tomake thoughtfuldecisions.

As

your

child

gets

older,

he

or

she

will

know

your

decision-making

processandwillappreciatethetimeyoutake.Yourchildmighteven

patternhimorherselfafteryou.

Buildasolidbut flexiblebondof trustbetweenyou

andyourchild.

Asolidbondholdsuptotoughsituations;aflexiblebondsurvivesthe

changes

in

your

child

and

in

your

relationship

with

your

child

that

are

certaintooccur.

Nowyoucaneithergototheexamples,orreadontolearntheP inRPM3.

Did

you

know...?

Parentshavea

profound influence

onchildren from

thebeginningof their

childrens lives.2

As

a

parent,

you

can

haveclosecontactwith

yourchild from the

timeheorshe issmall.

That typeofcontactbuilds

trust;with trustcomes

commitment. Parentswho

arecommitted to their

childs

well

being

can

haveaverypositiveeffect

on theirchild.

7


11/67

P

Preventing

risky

behaviororproblems

before

they

arise

Seemseasyenough.Youchildproofyourhousetomakesureyour

crawlingbabyortoddlercantgetintothecleaningproductsorelectrical

outlets.Youcatchyoureight-year-oldjumpingonthebedandmakeher

stop.Youmakeyour12-yearoldwearhishelmetwhenherideshisbike,

nomatterhowdumbhethinksitmakeshimlook.

Butpreventiongoesbeyondjustsayingnoorstop.Therearetwoparts

toprevention:1)

Spottingpossibleproblems;and2)

Knowinghowtowork

throughtheproblem.Letslookateachonealittlecloser.

Spottingpossibleproblems

Considerthesemethodsforspottingproblemsbeforetheyturninto

full-blowncrises:

Beactively involved inyourchilds life.

Thisisimportantforallparents,nomatterwhatthelivingarrangements.

Knowinghowyourchildusuallythinks,feels,andactswillhelpyou

to

notice

when

things

begin

to

change.

Some

changes

are

part

of

your

childsgrowingup,butotherscouldbesignsoftrouble.

Setrealistic limitsandenforce themconsistently.

Beselectivewithyourlimits,byputtingboundariesonthemost

importantbehaviorsyourchildisengagedin.Makesureyouandyour

childcanseealimitclearly.Ifyourchildgoesbeyondthelimit,

dealwithhimorherinsimilarwaysforsimilarsituations.Ifyoudecide

topunishyourchild,usethemosteffectivemethods,likerestriction

ortime-outs.Youcouldalsomakeyourchildcorrectormakeupfor

8


12/67

RPM3

theoutcomeofhisorheractions;makesuretheharshnessofthe

punishmentfitsyourchildscrime.Asyourchildlearnshowlimits

workandwhathappenswhenheorshegoespastthoselimits,he

or

she

will

trust

you

to

be

fair.

Createhealthyways foryour

child toexpressemotions.

Muchactingoutstemsfromchildren

notknowinghowtohandletheir

emotions.Feelingscanbesointensethat

usualmethodsofexpressingthemdont

work.Or,becausefeelingslikeangeror

sadnessareviewedasbad,yourchild

maynotwanttoexpressthemopenly.

Encourageyourchildtoexpressemotions

inahealthyandpositiveway;letyour

childseeyoudoingthingstodealwith

yourownemotions.Oncethesefeelings

are

less

powerful,

talk

to

your

child

about

howheorshefeelsandwhy.Makesure

yourchildknowsthatallemotionsare

partofthepersonthatheorsheis,

notjustthegoodorhappyones.Once

yourchildknowshisorherrangeof

emotions,heorshecanstarttolearnhow

to

handle

them.

Didyouknow...?

Allparentsshould

maintainpositive

relationshipswith

theirchildren.3

Oneparent, twoparents,

grandparents, foster

parents,weekendparents,

stepparents.Regardless

ofwhetherornotyou

livewithyourchild,

its important thatyou

maintainapositive

relationship

with

him

or

her.Apositiverelationship

givesyourchildastable

environment inwhich to

grow,so thatyouareone

of

the

people

your

child

learns

to

depend

on.

9


13/67

Knowinghow towork through theproblem

Becauseproblemsarequitedifferent,howyousolvethemalsodiffers.To

solvetoughproblems,youmayneedmorecomplexmethods.Keepthese

things

in

mind

when

trying

to

solve

a

problem:

Know thatyouarenotalone.

Talktootherparentsoratrustedfriendorrelative.Someofthemmight

bedealingwithorhavedealtwithsimilarthings.Theymayhaveideason

howtosolveaprobleminawayyouhaventthoughtof.Or,theymight

shareyourfeelings,whichcanalsobeacomfort.

Admitwhenaproblem isbigger thanyoucanhandlealone

orrequiresspecialexpertise.

Nooneexpectsyoutosolveeveryproblemyourfamilyhasbyyourself.

Someproblemsarejusttoobigtohandlealone,notbecauseyoure

abadparent,butsimplybecauseofthenatureoftheproblem.Be

realisticaboutwhatyoucanandcantdoonyourown.

Getoutsidehelp, ifneeded.

Therewillbetimeswhenyoujustwontknowhowtohelpyourchild;

othertimes,youtrulywontbeabletohelpyourchild.Thatsokay;

someoneelsemayknowhowtohelp.Usealltheresourcesyouhave

tosolveaproblem,includinggettingoutsidehelpwhenyouneedit.

Rememberthatitsnotimportanthowaproblemissolved,justthatitis.

Wherecan Igo forparentinghelp?

Otherparents

Familymembersandrelatives

Friends

Pediatricians

Schoolnursesandcounselors

Socialworkersandagencies

Psychologistsandpsychiatrists

Pastors,priests,rabbis,andministers

Communitygroups

Supportandself-helpgroups

10


14/67

Ifyoudlike,turntothesectionthatmatchesyourchildsagetoread

moreabouthowsomeparentshaveincludedpreventing intheirdaily

parentingroutine.OryoucanreadontolearnabouttheM3 inRPM3.

TheM3 inRPM3describesthreecomplex,butcentralprinciples

ofparenting:monitoring,mentoring, andmodeling.Manypeople

areconfusedbythesewordsbecausetheyseemsimilar,buttheyarereally

verydifferent.Itmightbeeasiertounderstandtheseideasifyouthink

ofthemthisway:

Beingamonitormeansthatyoupaycarefulattentiontoyour

childandhisorhersurroundings,especiallyhisorhergroupsof

friendsandpeersandingettingusedtoschool.

Beingamentormeansthatyouactivelyhelpyourchildlearn

moreabouthimorherself,howtheworldworks,andhisorherrole

inthatworld.Asamentor,youwillalsosupportyourchildashe

orshelearns.

Beingamodel meansthatyouuseyourownwordsandactions

asexamplesthatshowyourbeliefs,values,andattitudesinactionfor

yourchildonadailybasis.

Nowletslookateachonemoreclosely.Monitoringyourchildseems

straightforward,soletsstartthere.

RPM3

11


15/67

M

Monitoring

your

childscontactwithhisor

her

surrounding

world

Doyouneedtobeasuperherowithx-rayvisionandeyesintheback

ofyourheadtobeacarefulmonitor? Ofcoursenot.Youdontneedto

bewithyourchildeveryminuteofeveryday,either.Beingacareful

monitor

combines

asking

questions

and

paying

attention,

with

making

decisions,settinglimits,andencouragingyourchildspositivechoices

whenyouarentthere.

Whenyourchildisyoung,monitoringseemseasybecauseyouarethe

onemakingmostofthedecisions.Youdecidewhocaresforyourchild;

youdecidewhatyourchildwatchesorlistensto;youdecidewhoyour

childplayswith.Ifsomethingorsomeonecomes

in

contact

with

your

child,

youre

usually

one

ofthefirsttoknow.

Thingsmaychangeasyourchildgets

older,especiallyafterschoolbeginsandinto

thepre-teenandteenyears.Askidsbegin

tolearnabouttheirownpersonalities,

they

sometimes

clash

with

their

parents

personalities.Aparentsabilitytoactively

monitorisoftenoneofthefirstthings

tosufferfromthisclash.

Parentsneedtomonitortheirchildrens

comingsandgoingsthrougheveryageand

stage

of

growth.

Beinga

carefulmonitor

combines

askingquestions

and

paying

attention,

withmaking

decisionsand

setting

limits.

12


16/67

RPM3

Beinganactivemonitorcanbeassimpleasansweringsomebasic

questions:

Who

is

your

child

with?

What doyouknowabouttheperson(s)yourchildiswith?

Where isyourchild?

What isyourchilddoing?

Whenwillyourchildbehome/leaving?

How isyourchildgettingthere/home?

Youwontalwayshavedetailedanswerstothesequestions,butits

importanttoknowmostoftheanswers,mostofthetime.

Youmayalsowanttokeepthesethingsinmindwhenbeingan

activemonitor:

Open the linesofcommunicationwhenyourchild

isyoungandkeep those linesopen.

It

seems

obvious,

but

honest

communication

is

crucial.

When

your

childisyoung,talkopenlyaboutthingsyoudowhenyouarentwith

yourchild;thenaskyourchildwhatheorshedoesduringthose

times.Asyourchildgetsolder,keepupthistypeofcommunication.

Bothyouandyourchildhavetotakepartinopen,two-way

communication.

Tell

your

child

what

thoughts

and

ideals

you

value

andwhy.

Forinstance,ifbeingrespectfultoadultsisanidealyouwant

yourchildtohave,tellhimorher;evenmoreimportantly,tellhim

orherwhyyouthinkitsimportant.Dontassumethatyourchild

knowsyourreasonsforvaluingonepracticeorwayofbehaving

overanother.

13


17/67

Knowwhatyourchild iswatching,

reading,playing,or listening to.

BecauseTV,movies,videogames,theInternet,and

music

are

such

a

large

part

of

many

of

our

lives,

theycanhaveahugeinfluenceonkids.Besure

youknowwhatyourchildsinfluencesare.You

canthelpyourchildmakepositivechoicesifyou

dontknowwhatwebsitesheorshevisitsor

whatheorshereads,listensto,watches,orplays.

Know

the

people

your

child

spends timewith.

Becauseyoucantbewithyourchildallthetime,

youshouldknowwhoiswithyourchildwhen

yourenot.Friendshaveabiginfluenceonyour

child,frompre-schoolwellintoadulthood.

Muchofthetime,thisinfluenceispositive,but

notalways.Withalittleeffortfromyou,your

childmightsurroundhimorherselfwithfriends

whosevalues,interests,andbehaviorswillbe

plusesinyourchildslife.Yourchildalsospends

alotoftimewithhisorherteachers.Teachersplayavitalroleinyour

childsdevelopmentandoverallwell-being,sogettoknowyourchilds

teachers,too.

Give

direction

without

being

rigid.

Insomecases,notbeingallowedtodosomethingonlymakesyour

childwanttodoitmore.Istheanswerjustplainnoordoesitdepend

onthecircumstances?Yes,butonlyif...isausefuloptionwhen

makingdecisions.

Tofindouthowsomeparentsusemonitoring intheirdailyparenting

practices,

turn

to

the

section

of

this

booklet

that

relates

to

your

childs

age.Oryoucanreadontolearnaboutmentoring.

Witha little

effort fromyou,

your

child

mightsurround

himorherself

with friends

whose

values,

interests,and

behaviors

willbepluses

in

your

childs life.

14


18/67

RPM3Aspecialnote to thoseofyou

withpre-teensor teenagers4,5

Keep inmind thateven ifyoure themostcarefulmonitor,yourchild

mayhave friendsand interests thatyoudontunderstandordont

approveof.Youmaynot like themusicshe listens to,or theclothes

hewears,or thegroupshehangsoutwith. Someof these feelings

area regularpartof the relationshipbetweenchildrenandadults.

Beforeyou takeaway themusicor forbidyourchild tosee that

friend,

ask

yourself

this

question:

Is

this

(person,

music,

TV

show)

a

destructive

influence?

Inotherwords, isyourchildhurtinganyoneorbeinghurtbywhat

heorshe isdoing, listening to,wearing,orwhoheorshe is

spending timewith? If theanswer isno,youmaywant to think

beforeyouact,perhapsgivingyourchildsome leeway. Its likely that

taking

music

away,

not

letting

your

child

watch

a

certain

show,

orbarringyourchild fromspending timewitha friendwillcreate

aconflictbetweenyouandyourchild. Makesure that the issue

is importantenough to insistupon. Thinkaboutwhetheryouractions

willhelporhurtyour relationshipwithyourchild,orwhetheryour

actionsarenecessary foryourchild todevelophealthyattitudesand

behaviors. Youmaydecide thatsettingavolume limit for theradio

is

better

than

having

a

fight

about

your

childs

choice

of

music.

Beingyourchildsmentorcankeepyourchildfrombeinghurtbyencouraging

himorhertoactinreasonableways.Nowletsthinkaboutmentoring.

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19/67

M Mentoringyourchildtosupportandencouragedesired

behaviors

Whenyouweregrowingup,didyouhaveaspecialpersonyourlife

whodidthingswithyou,gaveyouadvice,orwasagoodlistener?

Thispersonmayhavebeenarelative

orfriendofthefamilywhowasolderthan

you.

If

so,

then

you

had

a

mentor.

Sincetheearly1980s,formalmentoring

programsthatpairchildrenwithcaring

mentorshavebeenhighlysuccessful.

Mentoring,whetheraninformalrelationship

oraformalprogram,hasafocusedgoal:

guiding

children

through

adolescence

so

theycanbecomehappy,healthyadults.

Youmayknowthatallchildrenneed

mentors,butdidyouknowthatparents

makegreatmentors?

What

does

it

mean

to

be

a

mentor?

Amentorissomeonewhoprovidessupport,guidance,friendship,and

respecttoachild.

Soundsgreat.Butwhatdoesthatmean?

Beingamentorislikebeingacoachofasportsteam.Acaringcoach

sees

the

strengths

and

weaknesses

of

each

player

and

tries

to

build

those

strengthsandlessenthoseweaknesses.Inpractice,coachesstandback

andwatchtheaction,givingadviceonwhattheplayersshoulddonext,

butknowingthattheplayersmaketheirowngame-timedecisions.

Mentors

help

kids reach

their fullpotential,

which includes

mistakes

and

tears,aswellas

successes

andsmiles.

16


20/67


21/67

Youmaywanttokeepthesethingsinmind

asyouthinkaboutbeingamentor:

Be

honest

about

your

own

strengthsandweaknesses.

Ifyouknowtheanswertoaquestion,

sayso;ifyoudont,sayso.Tobuild

atrusting,butreal,relationshipwith

yourchild,youonlyhavetobe

human.Allhumansmakemistakes;

youhave,andyourchildwill,too.

Yourchildcanbenefitfromhearing

aboutyourmistakes,including

whatyouthoughtbeforeyoumade

them,howyourthoughtschanged

afteryoumadethem,andhow

youchangedyourthoughtsorbehaviors

toavoidtheminthefuture.Achild

who

thinks

his

or

her

parent

is

perfect

buildsexpectationsthatparentscant

possiblyliveupto.

Respectyourchilds thoughts

andopinionswithout judging them.

Evenifyoudontagreewithyourchild,

make

it

clear

that

you

want

to

know

what

hisorherthoughtsare,withoutthethreat

ofpunishment.Ifyourchildisafraidof

beingpunished,heorshemaystopsharing

thingsentirely.Letdifferentpoints-of-view

co-existforawhile;theywillallowyourchildtothinkmoreaboutan

issue.Rememberthatthereisanimportantdifferencebetween,Idisagree

with

you,

and

Youre

wrong.

Didyouknow...?

18

Yourapprovalor

disapproval

teaches

yourchildabout

desirablebehavior.6,12

Parentsneed tobe

carefulabouthow they

expressapprovalor

disapproval.Parents

whoareharsh in their

disapproval

may

hurt

theirchildrensselfesteem;

parentswhoneverexpress

disapprovalmayraise

childrenwhocantdeal

withanycriticism.Try to

findabalancebetween

expressionsofapproval

and

disapproval.

Be

consistent inyourrewards

andpunishments.


22/67

Supportyourchilds interestsand

strengths,butdont force things.

Kidsspendtheirchildhoodtryingto

figure

out

who

they

are,

how

the

world

works,andhowtheyfitintothatworld.

Makesureyourchildhasenoughroom

toexplore.Ifyourchildhasnointerest

inanactivityortopic,dontpush.

Yourchildwillsoonbegintodreadthe

forcedactivityandwillfindwaysto

get

out

of

doing

it.

Introduceyourchild to things that

you like todo.

Thisisausefulwayforyourchildto

learnmoreaboutyou.Itssometimeshard

forkidstopicturetheirparentsdoing

thingsthatotherpeopledo,likeplaying

an

instrument,

volunteering

at

a

nursinghome,watchingmovies,playing

asport,orknowingaboutart.Ifyour

childseesyoudoingthesethings,you

becomemoreofaregularperson,rather

thanjustaparent.

To

read

more

about

how

some

parents

fit

mentoring intotheirdailyparenting

activities,turntothesectionofthebooklet

thatrelatestoyourchildsage.Or,readon

tolearnaboutmodeling.

RPM3

Mentoringgiveskidsthesupporttheyneedtobecomethepeoplethey

are

meant

to

be.

But

what

about

you?

Are

you

the

person

you

want

to

be?

Takesometimetothinkaboutbecomingabettermodel foryourchild.

Did

you

know...?

The feedbackand

advice

that

parents

givecanguide

children tomake

morepositive

decisions.2

By

supporting

desired

behaviors,

parents

help

theirchildrenbuild

self

esteem

and

selfconfidence.These

traitsgivechildren the

innerstrength theyneed

tomakebetterdecisions

when facedwitha

challenge. Its important

forparents tokeep the

lines

of

communication

open,so thatvital

adviceand feedback

gets to theirchildren.

19


23/67

M

Modeling

your

own

behavior toprovidea

consistent,positive

example foryourchild

When Igrowup, Iwant tobe just likeyou.

Hasyourchildeversaidthistoyou?

Itsabittersweetstatementforaparenttohear.Ontheonehand,its

touchingtohaveyourchildlookuptoyouinthisway;ontheother,

beingarolemodelcomeswithgreatresponsibility.

Rolemodelscomeinallshapesandsizes;

theydoallkindsofjobs;theycomefromany

countryorcity.Somechildrenviewathletes

astheirrolemodels;otherchildrenlookupto

authorsorscientists.And,believeitornot,

manychildrenseetheirparentsasrolemodels.

Alltoooften,parentingbehaviorisguidedby

adultsreactingtotheirownchildhoods;that

is,manyparentsthink:Idonteverwanttobe

like

my

parents;

or

it

was

good

enough

for

me,soitsgoodenoughformykids.Rememberthatreactinginsteadof

respondingpreventsyoufrommakingdecisionsthatcanchangethe

outcomeofasituation.Tobeamoreeffective,consistent,active,and

attentiveparent,itsbesttofocusonyourchildrenandtheirlives.

Doesthismeanthatyouhavetobeperfectsoyourchildwillgrowup

to

be

perfect,

too?

Of

course

not.

No

one

is

perfect.

But,

you

do

need

tofigureoutwhatkindofexampleyouaresettingforyourchild.

Children learn

as

much,

ifnotmore from

youractions

as theydo from

yourwords.

20


24/67

Youmaywant tobe thekindofrolemodel

whodoes the following:RPM3

Do

as

you

say

and

say

as

you

do.

Childrenwanttoactliketheirrole

models,notjusttalklikethem.Children

learnasmuch,ifnotmorefromyour

actionsastheydofromyourwords.

Dontjusttellyourchildtocallhomeif

heorsheisgoingtobelate;makesure

that

you

call

home

when

you

know

youre

goingtobelate.Dontjusttellyourchild

nottoshoutatyou;dontshoutat

yourchildoratothers.Thiskindof

consistencyhelpsyourchildformreliable

patternsoftherelationshipbetween

attitudesandactions.

Showrespect forotherpeople,

includingyourchild.

Formanychildren,thewordrespect

ishardtounderstand.Itsnotsomething

theycantouchorfeel,butitsstilla

veryimportantconcept.Tohelpyour

childlearnaboutrespect,youmay

want

to

point

out

when

you

are

being

respectful.Forinstance,whenyour

childstartstopickouthisorherown

clothes,youcanshowrespectfor

thosechoices. Tellyourchild,That

wouldnthavebeenmychoice,but

Irespectyourdecisiontowearthat

plaid

shirt

with

those

striped

pants.

Did

you

know...?

Childrenare

greatcopycats.1,3,14

Haveyoueversaida

curseword in front

ofyourchild,only tohear

him

or

her

repeating

that

word later (usuallyat

theworstpossible time)?

Kidsarehighly imitative,

withbothwordsand

actions. Ifyouare

aggressive,yourchild

maycopyyou tobe

aggressive,

too.

If

you

are

verysocial,yourchildwill

probablybeverysocial,

too.Makesureyouare

astrong,consistent,and

positiverolemodel, to

fosterbetterbehaviors in

yourchild.

21


25/67

Behonestwithyourchildabout

howyouare feeling.

Adultsgetconfusedaboutemotionsallthe

time,

so

its

no

surprise

that

children

might

getconfused,too.Forinstance,youmight

haveashorttemperafterareallystressfulday

atwork,butyourchildmightthinkyouare

angrywithhimorher.Ifyoufindyourself

actingdifferentlythanyouusuallydo,explain

toyourchildthatheorsheisnttoblame

for

your

change

in

typical

behavior;

your

childcanevenhelpyoubylighteningyour

moodoralteringyourattitude. Youcan

preventalotofhurtfeelingsandconfusion

bybeinghonestwithyourchildaboutyour

ownemotions.

Makesureyourchildknows

thatbeingangrydoesnotmean,

not loving.

Disagreementsandargumentsareanormal

partofmostrelationships.Butmanychildren

cantseparatelovefromanger;theyassume

thatifyouyellatthem,thenyoudontlove

themanymore.Evenifyouthinkyour

child

has

a

solid

grasp

of

emotions,

you

maywanttobespecificaboutthispoint.

Otherwise,youruntheriskofhaving

yourchildthinkheorsheisnotlovedevery

timeyouhaveadisagreement.Mostofall,

bealerttochangesinyourchildsemotions

soyoucancoachyourchildthrough

moments

of

anger

or

sadness

without

brushing-offtheemotionorignoringit.

Did

you

know...?

Howparentsact in

their

relationshipswithoneanotherhas

asignificant impacton

childdevelopment.2

Regardless

of

the

living

arrangements,

parents

should

consider

their

children

when

dealing

with

each

other.

Your

child

sees

how

you

work

through

everyday

issues

and

uses

your interactionsas the

basis forhisorherown

behavior inrelationships.

Thenext timeyou interact

withyourspouse,ex

spouse,

or

significant

other,

askyourselfwhetheror

notyouareprovidinga

positiveexample foryour

child.Doyouwantyour

child toact thesame

wayyouareactingwith

thatpersonoranother

person?

If

not,

you

maywant toreconsideryour

behavior.

22


26/67

Pinpoint things thatyouwouldnt

wantyourchildsrolemodel

todo,andmakesureyouarent

doing

them.

Forinstance,supposeyourchildviewsa

sportsplayerashisorherrolemodel.

Ifyoufoundoutthatplayerusedillegal

drugsorwasverballyorphysically

abusivetoothers,wouldyoustillwant

yourchildtolookuptothatperson?

Probably

not.

Now

apply

that

same

standardtoyourownactions.Ifyoudont

wantyourchildtosmoke,thenyoushould

notsmoke.Ifyouwantyourchildtobe

ontimeforschool,makesureyouareon

timeforworkandothermeetings.Ifyou

dontwantyourchildtousecursewords,

thendontusethosewordsinfrontof

your

child.

Reviewing

your

own

conduct

meansbeinghonestwithyourself,about

yourself. Youmayneedtomakesome

changesinhowyouact,butbothyouand

yourchildwillbenefitintheend.

RPM3

Didyouknow...?

Howyou feelaffects

your

child.6,9

Yourchild tunes intoyour

thoughts, feelings,and

attitudes.Heorshecan

sensehowyou feelabout

something,even ifyour

wordssay thatyouare

feelingsomethingdifferent.

So

a

negative

reaction

or

outburst fromyourchild

maynotbewithoutreason.

Itcouldbeyourchilds

wayof tellingyouhow

you feel.

Nowwhatshould Ido?NowthatyouknowaboutRPM3,itstimetoputtheseideasintoaction.

Findthesectionthatmatchesyourchildsageandreadthroughittosee

how

parents

like

you

have

brought

RPM3

into

their

lives.

Take

some

time

tothinkabouttheexamples,answertherelatedquestions,andmake

decisionsabouthowRPM3canfitintoyourstyleofparentingona

dailybasis.

23


27/67

0-3

Responding

to

your

child

inanappropriatemanner

YEARS

Theexamplebelowwillgiveyouabetterideaofwhatitmeansto

respondtoyourchildinanappropriatemanner.Asyouread,thinkabout

thesequestions:

Is

the

parent

in

the

story

reacting

orresponding?

Isherresponseappropriate to thechildsage?

Isherresponseappropriate to thesituation?

Howmightyourespond toyourchild

in thesamesituation?

CarolineandAbby(Age1 1/2)7

Whats theStory?Abbyspends thedayatadaycarecenterwhile

Caroline isatwork; Carolinedropsheroffat7:30a.m.and returns forherat

5:30p.m. When theygethome in theevening,Carolinegetsdinner ready

whileAbbysits inherhighchair. Carolinekeeps thechair turnedso thatAbby

is facingherwhileshecooks,so that theycanwatch,smileat,and talk to

each

other.

It takesCarolinea little longer tomakedinnerbecausesheoftenstops toplay

peek-a-booorbendsdown to talk toAbbyathereye-level. Theyhave their

ownconversations, inwhichAbbytalksandCarolineanswers. IfAbby is

crankyorupset,Carolineuses this time tocalmherdownand figureoutwhy

shes

being

fussy.

Caroline

has

found

many

ways

to

keep

Abby

calm

as

a

result

of

this

dinnertime

contact,

that

are

also

helpful

when

the

two

are

out

of

the

house runningerrands.

24


28/67

CarolineSays:That timewithAbby,while Imcooking, is really important

tome. Icanconnectwithher,get toknowherbetter. I look forward to it,

evenaftera fulldayatwork. Ithashelpedme to learnwhatshe likesand

what

she

doesnt.

Whats thePoint?Caroline is rightabout the importanceofherdinner-

timecontactwithAbby. Researchshows thatchildrenneed tospendpositive,

engaging,playful timewith theirparentseachday.1 Thisspecial time

allows

parents

to

bond

with

children,

to

learn

what

makes

them

smile

or laugh,whatkindsofnoises they respond

to,how they respond,andwhat feelings

their

toddlers

words

convey.

Early

andconsistentcommunicationbetween

parent

and

child

is

essential

to

forming

attachments,aswellas tobuilding

betteremotional, intellectual,andsocial

development. Settingaside thiskindof

timeeverydayalso letskids learn

about

their

parents.

They

can

tune

in

to facialexpressions,body language,

and tone-of-voice toknow theircaretakersbetter.

0-3YEARS

25


29/67

Iwould love todo thiswithmychild,but...6

...

my

child

just

wont

sit

still

that

long.

... Idonthave time tocook,soweeatoutmostof the time.

...mykitchen is toosmall foreveryone to fit.

...mychildeatsdinnerwithanothercaretaker.

... Isometimeswork theafternoonandeveningshift

andamnotalwayshome fordinner.

...

I

have

to

drive

my

other

children

to

their

after-school

activities.

... Idontgethome fromworkuntil late in theevening.

Inaperfectworld,youcouldspendallday,everydaywithyourchild,never

missing

a

meal

or

a

moment

of

togetherness.

In

the

real

world,

however,

thisisoftennotthecase.Regardlessofhowyoumanageit,youshouldtry

tomaketimeforthiskindofinteractionwithyourchildeveryday.The

specificsofwhere,how,orwhenyouspendtimewithyourchildarentas

importantastheactualtimeyouspendwithyourchild.

Ifyourchildwontsitinahighchairforverylong,putsometoysonthe

floorandletyourchildplaytherewhileyoureinthekitchen.Ifyoure

drivinghereandthere,talktoyourchildasyoudrive,pointingoutthings

youseeorsingingsongs.Ifyouseeyourchildinthemornings,getinto

aroutineforgettingdressedtogethersothatyoucaninteractwithhim

orher.Youcanalsoincludetheotherpeopleinyourfamilyinthistime

together,sothatyourchildbecomesmorecomfortableinthefamily

setting.Theimportantpartisgettingtoknowyourchildandlettingyour

childgettoknowyou.

26


30/67

Preventing

risky

behaviors

orproblemsbefore theyarise

Thenextstoryshowshowyoumightpreventproblemsbeforetheyarise.

Asyouread,thinkaboutthesequestions:

Are theparentsactive in theirchilds life?

Is

the

problem

bigger

than

the

parents

can

handlealone?

Should theparentsseekoutsidehelp?

Howmightyouhandleasimilarsituationwith

yourchild?

Molly,

Ron,

and

Stefanie

(Age

4

weeks)

7

Whats theStory? Stefanie isMollyandRons firstchild. BeforeStefanie

was

born,

the

couple

planned

for

Molly

to

take

three

months

of

parental

leave

fromher jobafter thebabywasborn. Now,onlya fewweeksafterStefanies

birth,Molly ishavingproblems

caring for thebaby.

RonSays: Molly just

doesnt

seem

to

want

to

be

withStefanie.Thereare

timeswhen Iwalk in the

door

and

hear

Stef

wailingbecauseshes

hungryorneeds tobe

changed; then I find

that

Molly

is

sitting

in

the

next

room

crying,

too.

0-3YEARS

27


31/67

Sometimesshe forgets to feedStefhowcanyou forget to feedababy?66Im

worried thatStefanie isntgettingget theattentionsheneedsduring theday.

Imean,sometimesMollydoesntevengetdressedduring theday. Iwish Iknew

how

to

make

things

better

for

all

of

us.

MollySays: Iknow thata lotofwomendo themom thingeveryday,but Im

justnotasgoodat itas theyare. Sometimes, its likenothing Ido isenough

for

her.

I

try

holding

her,

rocking

her,

feeding

her,

playing

with

her,

but

she

still

cries. Icantdoanything right.

Whats thePoint?While its true thatmillionsofwomendo themom

thing

every

day,

none

of

them

would

say

its

easy.

Being

a

mother

takes

a

lot

ofgettingused to; in fact,beingaparent takesa lotofgettingused to.

But itsounds likeMolly isgoing throughmore thangettingused tobeinganew

mom. Fornearly10percentofwomenwhoarepregnantorgivebirth, the

weight

of

being

a

new

mom

is

doubled

by

post-partum

depression,

an

illness

that results fromhormonalchanges related topregnancyandgivingbirth.15

Womenwithpost-partumdepressionneedmorehelp than theirspousesor

partnerscangive,more than theycangive themselves,actually. Formany

women likeMolly,professional treatment fromapsychiatristorothermental

health

professional

is

the

best

way

to

beat

the

so-called

baby

blues.

Ifanyparent,nomatterwhat theirgender is, finds ithard to relatewith their

child inaplayful,positiveway, then theyshouldseekoutsidehelp immediately.

MollyandRonmightwant to talk toherobstetricianabouthow theyare feeling

and

how

things

are

going.

The

doctor

may

have

some

ideas

that

could

help,

likehiringababysittera fewdayseachweek,orhavingeachparent take

alone timeduring theweek. Thedoctormightalso refer them toapsychiatrist

oranothermentalhealthprofessionalso theycangethelp throughcounseling

andmedication.

Havingababychangeseverypartofparents lives, including their relationship

to

each

other.

Many

times,

one

or

both

parents

have

a

hard

time

adjusting

to

all thechanges. Parentsshouldknow that theiremotionalhealthhasabig

impacton theirchildsemotionalhealth. Gettinghelp rightaway is thebestway

to

ensure

the

childs

and

the

parents

well-being.

28
http:///reader/full/birth.15http:///reader/full/birth.15http:///reader/full/birth.15


32/67

Monitoring

your

childs

contact

withhisorhersurroundings

Howcanyoubeacarefulmonitor?Thisnextexamplemayhelpyoudecide.

Asyouread,thinkaboutthesequestions:

Is theparentbeinganactivemonitor?

Is

she

being

flexible?

Doessheknowwho thechild isspending timewith

orwhat thechild isdoingwhenshesnot there?


yourchild?

Maria

and

Luis

(Age

9

Months)

Whats theStory? Maria is takingherson,Luis, tohis firstmorningofday

care.

She

signed

up

with

the

center

several

months

ago,

because

it

had

the

best

location,andvisited thecenteronceduring the lastmonth. Mariaknows that

state law requires thatdaycarecentershavea three-to-one ratio forchildren

underoneyearofagethat is,onedaycarestaffpersonwillcare forherLuis

and

only

two

other

children

his

age.

She

feels

better

knowing

he

will

get

more

personalized

care

throughout

the

day.

When

Maria

calls

the

center

during

the

daytoseehowLuis isdoing, thestaffpersononly replieswith,Hes fine.

WhenshepicksupLuisafterwork, thestaffpersondoesntsayverymuchabout

hisdayandseems toshufflemotherandchildout thedoor. Marianotices that

Luis iskindofcrankyandwonderswhathisdaywas really like.

MariaSays: It tookmea long time todecidewhetherornot Iwasgoing

toputLuis intodaycare. Itsevenhardernow toknowwhether Imade the right

decision. Its frustratingnotknowingwhat isgoingon inmybabysday. How

can Iknow thathesbeingcared forwhen Icantbe there?

0-3YEARS

29


33/67

Whats thePoint? Thebestway tomakesureLuisgets thecareMaria

wantshim tohave is toknowasmuchabout thedaycarecenterand the

peoplewhowork thereaspossible.Maria ishersonsbestdefenseagainst

poor

care,

but

only

if

she

is

actively

monitoring

his

surroundings.

Some

day

care

centers

provide

a

daily

diary

of

every

childs

daywhen they fed

thebaby,when theychanged thebaby,whoplayedwith thebaby,andwhat

theyplayedwith. IfMariahadaskedmorequestionsabout thedaily routine

of thecenterwhenshewent forhervisit,shecouldve foundoutwhether the

centeroffered that typeof report. Ifsheknew thecenterdidnotkeepa

diary

for

each

child,

she

could

have

made

other

arrangements

for

Luis

at

a

center

that

did

offer

the

daily

report.

Ifyoudecide toplaceyourchild intodaycare, learnasmuchasyoucan

about thecenterand itsworkersbeforeyou takeyourchild there. Decide

what

features

you

must

have

in

a

day

care

center.

You

may

wantyourchild togeta lotofone-on-oneattention;oryou

maywantyourchild tobearoundkids thesameageso

thatheorshecanbuildsocialskills. Youmaywant

a reportofwhathappens toyourchild

throughout

the

day.

Remember,

though,

thatmoreattentivecareoftencostsmore than

thealternatives.

Onceyouknowwhatyouwant, findaplace

that

meets

all

your

needs.

Visit

the

center

before

signing

any

papers

or

giving

any

money.

Ifyoucan,makeoneor twounannouncedvisits

to thecenter,so thatyoucanseehowwell it runson

anormalday. Contactyour local licensingagency tomakesure thecenterhas

all

of

the

required

licenses

and

permits;

find

out

if

there

have

been

any

problems reported for thecenteror itsemployees. Youcanalsoask theday

carecenterstaff for references,whichallowsyou tocheck theirworkhistories.

The

more

work

you

do

upfront,

the

more

pleased

you

will

be

with

the

care

yourchild receives.

30


34/67

Mentoring

your

child

to

support

and

encouragedesiredbehaviors

Nowlookatthisexampleofparentsbeingmentors.Asyouread,think

aboutthesequestions:

Are theseparentsbeing thoughtfulmentors?

Are

they

being

honest

about

themselves?

Are they judging theirchild?

Are theparentssupporting thechilds interestor

forcing thechild todevelopone?


yourchild?

LiMing,Yeung,

and

Chang

(Age3)4

Whats theStory? Reading isabigpartofLiMingandYeungs lives.

Theybothenjoy readinganddo itasoftenas theycan,usually reading

atnight insteadofwatchingTV. WhenChangwasborn, theyasked their

healthcareproviderabout reading tohim. Whenshould theystart reading

to

him?

When

will

he

start

to

read

on

his

own?

What

is

the

best

way

for

them

to

help

him

learn

to

read? Now they try to read toChangeverynight

beforehegoes tosleep.

LiMingSays: Eversince Iwasyoung, Ivealways liked to read. When

Yeungand Igot together, readingwasoneof the thingsweshared. Itseemed

only

natural

for

us

to

extend

our

passion

for

reading

to

Chang.

0-3YEARS

31


35/67

YeungSays: I thinkChang likes reading, too. Hehelps turn thepages,

points to thepictureshe recognizes,andchatters. Heknowswhat isgoing to

happennextand tellsmewhen Iveskippedsomething. Hesbeginning to

recognize

the

letters

and

their

sounds.

He

has

his

favorite

books

and

wants

to

hear

them

again

and

again.

Whats thePoint? LiMingandYeunghavegivena lotof thought tobeing

Changsmentors. By reading toChang, they introducedhim tooneof their

interests. Theyencouragehim tochoosehisownstoriesand to interactwith

them

and

with

the

book

while

theyre

reading.

As

he

gets

older,

Chang

will

know

that

his

parents

read

a

great

deal.

He

may

decide

to

join

his

parents

in

theirhobby.

Theymaynotknow it,butLiMing

and

Yeung

are

also

helping

Changbuildhis readingskills.

Studiesshow that, in theUS,

more than50percentofchildren

are read tobya familymember

every

day.8 In

these

studies,

family reading is related tobetter

readingcomprehensionand

greaterschoolsuccess.

Reading toyourchildalso

improves

his

or

heremergent

literacy

the

knowledge

that

thewordsprinted inbookshave

meaning. Oneof thekey factors

inemergent literacy isbeingable to recognize lettersof thealphabet;other

factors

include

knowing

the

sounds

of

letters

at

the

beginning

and

end

of

words.

Reading toyourchild improves theseskills,whichcan improveyourchilds

chances forschoolsuccess.

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36/67

Modeling

your

own

behavior

toprovideaconsistent,

positive

example

for

your

child

Takealookatthisexampleofaparentbeingamodel.Asyouread,think


Is thisparentbeingapositiverolemodel?

Do

his

words

and

actions

match?

Ishebeinghonestwithhimselfabouthisownactions?


yourchild?

MarcoandSabby (Age 2)1,14

Whats theStory? Marcocares forhissonSabbyon theweekends.Now

thatSabby iswalkingand talking,Marcohas towatchhimmorecloselyso

that

he

doesnt

get

into

trouble.

A

few

weekends

ago,

Sabby

stuck

a

metal

bookmark intoanelectricaloutlet thatMarco leavesuncoveredso thathecan

plug in thecoffeemaker in themorning. Sabbyblewoutall the fuses in the

house,but luckilywasnothurt. DespiteMarcosscolding,Sabbystillgoesnear

the

outlet

when

he

gets

the

chance.

MarcoSays: Idontknowwhyhekeepsdoing it. Ive toldhimno; Ivesaid

bad; Ive toldhimhecouldget reallyhurt. Buthestillgoesover to thatoutlet.

Whats thePoint?Sabbymaystillshow interest in theoutletbecause

Marcos

words

dont

match

his

actions.

Marco

tells

Sabby,

no;

but

Sabby

seesMarcoput thecoffeemakerplug into theoutlet. Sabbydoesntknow

thedifferencebetween theplug thatssupposed togo in theoutletandother

metalobjects thatshouldnt.

0-3YEARS

33


37/67

While

Sabby

is

at

this

age,

Marco

needs

to

cover

the

outlet

with

a

safety

coveranytime thecoffeemaker isnotplugged in. ThenSabbywonthave the

chance toget into it. WhenSabby isa littleolder (threeorso),Marcocan

explain thedetailsofsafematerials,dangerousmaterials,andelectricaloutlets.

He

could

also

tell

Sabby

that

only

grownups

are

allowed

to

touch

electric

outlets.

It

seems

as

though

Marco

is

trying

to

get

this

across

by

saying,

no

or

bad,butheonlyassumes thatSabbyknowswhathemeans. Kids,especially

youngchildren,willcopywhat theyseeeven if theydont fullyunderstand it.

Sabbysaction isadangerousbehavior thatcouldcausehimseriousharm.

Marco

needs

to

take

immediate

action

to

ensure

Sabbys

safety.

34


38/67

Responding

to

your


manner

4-10YEARS

Thestorybelowwillgiveyouabetterideaofwhatitmeanstorespondto

yourchildinanappropriatemanner.Asyouread,thinkaboutthesequestions:

Is

the

parent

in

the

story

reacting

or

responding?

Ishisresponseappropriate to thechildsage?

Ishisresponseappropriate to thesituation?

Howmightyourespond toyourchild in thesame

situation?

RajandAmira(Age8)3

Whats theStory? WhenRajdecided tobeastay-at-homedad,his

daughterwas three. Hesetupa routine for theirdays,so thatAmirawould

alwaysknowwhatwasgoing tohappenandwhatwasexpectedofher.

Whenshestartedkindergarten,Rajchanged the routine to fit in theschool-

relatedactivities,suchasdoinghomeworkand reading together.Now that

Amiraseight,shesmore interested indoing thingswithherschoolmates

and

neighbors,

such

as

playing

at

her

friends

houses

or

getting

involved

in

a

community

sports

team.

But

Raj

will

not

let

her

take

part

in

these

activities

becausehewants tokeepheron thesameschedule.WhenRajsaysNo to

Amira,she isdisappointedandwithdraws fromhim.

RajSays: Amirahas togetbackonourschedule. Itsworkedsowellall

this

time.

She

has

been

up

until

8:30

p.m.

every

night

this

week.

Once

we

get

back

on

track,

things

will

be

better.

4-10YEAR

S

35


39/67

Whats thePoint? Raj is rightabout theneed forsolid routinesand

schedules,buthe forgotabout theneed tobe flexible. Youngerchildrendo

verywellwithasteadyschedule; itallows them tobecome relaxed in their

worlds

and

learn

what

their

worlds

expect

from

them.

But,

schedules

also

need

to

adapt

to

normal

changes

that

occur

as

kids

get

older. Amira is juststarting tobuild friendships,akey feature innormal

socialgrowth. Bynow,her regularbedtimeshouldprobablybe8:00p.m.,

or8:30p.m.,dependingonhowmuchsleepsheneeds. AsAmiramatures,

shellneed tobalanceschool,home,health,andher friends. Rajcanhelp

her

create

and

maintain

that

balance,

if

he

shows

her

what

it

means

to

be

flexible.

Whenhestarted theschedule,RajhadAmirasbest interests inmind.With

someminorchanges,Rajsschedulecanco-existwithAmirasgrowth inaway

that

suits

them

both.

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40/67

Preventing

risky

behavior


Thenextexampleshowshowyoucanpreventproblemsbeforetheyarise.

Asyouread,askyourselfthesequestions:

Is theparentactive in thechilds life?

Are

the

limits

involved

realistic?

Are the limitsbeingenforcedconsistently?


yourchild?

AndreandCalvin(Age4)1,4,10

Whats theStory? Andrearrangedhisworkscheduleso thathecanspend

alldaySaturdaywithhisson,Calvin,everyweek. After lunchon theirSaturdays

together,

Andre

and

Calvin

spend

time

cleaning

up

Calvins

room.

Whats

our

goal?AndreasksCalvin. No toyson the floor.Calvinanswers.

Andre letsCalvinplaywhile theyclean,butwithincertain limitsso thatCalvin

keeps

their

goal

in

sight.

Andre

uses

an

egg

timer

to

let

Calvin

know

when

its

playtime

and

when

its

time

to

clean

up.

He

sets

it

for

short

intervals,

like

10

or15minutes,so thatCalvincanplaya littleand thencleanupa little. Calvin

knows thatwhenhehears thebell,hehas topickupat least three toysandput

themaway. Andresetsand re-sets the timer in frontofCalvinand leaves it in

aplacewhere theycanbothsee it (andhear it). By theendof theafternoon,

all

of

Calvins

toys

are

picked

up

off

the

floor.

4-10YEAR

S

37


41/67

AndreSays: Calvinneeds to learnaboutgoalsand limitssoheunderstands

moderation. Iuse the timerbecausehecansee,hear,and touch it. Even though

Im theonesetting the time limit, the timerenforces it. Thiskeepshim from

getting

upset

with

me.

Whats thePoint?

Settinggoalsand limits

foryourchild isoneway

heorshecan learnabout

boundaries.

A

child

Calvins

age

has

an

easier

time learningaboutagoal

when itssomethingheor

shecansee,so itsclear

when

the

job

is

finished.

Andreschoiceof limit

(playingversuscleaning)

isalso realistic; Calvin is

capableofpickingup

all

the

toys

from

the

floor.

The timeroffersaconstant

before-and-afterway for

Using

the

timer

is

a

good

idea,

especially

when

dealing

with

a

child

as

young

asCalvin. It isadependableway forAndre toenforce the limits. Because

Andreusessimilar times, like10minutesor fiveminutes,Calvingetsused to the

practice.

And,

the

bell

always

rings,

which

provides

more

order

for

Calvin.

Calvin toknowwhenhes reached the limit. Before thebellgoesoff, thiswill

happen;after thebell rings, thatwillhappen. Thechild learns thatafter thebell,

after

mom

counts

to

three,

or

after

dad

counts

to

10,

something

happens.

If

the

child

reaches

the

goal,

then

praise

and

kindness

follow;

if

not,

some

type

of

outcome forgoingbeyond the limit follows,be itascolding,apunishment,or

another responseappropriate to thesituation.

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42/67

Monitoring

your

childs

contact

withhisorhersurroundings

Howcanyoubeacarefulmonitor?Thisnextexamplemayhelpyou

decide.Asyouread,thinkaboutthesequestions:

Is thecaretakerbeinganactivemonitor?

Is

it

clear

why

a

value

or

behavior

is

desirable

orundesirable?

Is thecaretakerbeing flexible?

Is thechildsbehaviordestructive?


yourchild?

Keisha

and Tyrell

(Age7)1, 11

Whats theStory? Keisha,who is20,hasbeen takingcareofherbrother

Tyrellsince theirmotherdied lastyear. She letsTyrellwatchTVwhileshegets

dinner ready;afterdinner, theTVgoesoff. Keishausuallyheads to thekitchen

tostartdinneraftershewatches the first fewminutesofashowwithTyrell.

Lately,

though,

shes

noticed

a

change

in

the

kind

of

shows

Tyrell

watches.

Instead

of

his

regular

programs,

Tyrell

now

watches

a

show

that

Keisha

hasnt

seenbefore.Oneevening,sheasksTyrellhowheknowsabout theshow. He

explains thatheheardabout itatschool.

KeishaSays: Ididntseeverymuchof itat first,but itdidntseem like the

kind

of

show

a

seven-year-old

would

watch.

It

wasnt

a

cartoon;

it

didnt

have

anypuppetsoranimals. So, Iaskedhimnot towatch ituntil Ihadachance

tosee thewholeshow. I toldhimhecouldeitherwatchoneof theshows Ihad

alreadyseen,orhecould turn theTVoffandplay. Hewentoff toplayby

4-10YEAR

S

39


43/67

himself. Itsagood

thing, too,because

thenextday I

watched

that

show

Icouldntbelieve it!

Almostevery line

hadsomethingabout

fightingandgetting

even. Therewasa lot

of talkaboutsex, too.

I

know

Tyrell

will

be

exposed toviolence in

the realworld,but

Idontwanthim to

startacting like the

characters

on

that

show. Idontwanthim to

be ignorantaboutsex,either,but Iwant tobe theone to teachhimabout it. He

issimplynotallowed towatch thatshow.

Whats thePoint? Keishahandled thiscase likeaseasonedmonitor.

First,shewatched the first fewminutesofTVwithTyrell, toseewhathewas

watching. Shealsopaidattention to thekindofshows thatTyrellusually

watched,whichmade iteasier forher tonoticeachange. Aftershesaw

thechange,sheaskedTyrellhowheheardabout thenewshow. And,she

watched

the

show,

to

make

sure

that

it

was

okay

for

Tyrell

to

watch.

As it turnedout, theshowwasntsomethingshewantedTyrell tosee,sohe is

no longerallowed towatch it.

To

really

make

her

point

clear,

Keisha

might

want

to

talk

to

Tyrell

about

why

she

doesntwanthim towatch theshow. Itmaynotseem important forKeisha to

explain

her

reasons

now

because

Tyrell

is

so

young,

but

its

a

good

habit

for

her

toget into forwhenhegetsolder. ItmayalsohelpTyrell tomakebetterchoices

about theshowshewatches in the future.

40


44/67

Findingsomeviewingalternatives forTyrellwouldalsohelpKeishamakeher

point. Keishacan rentvideotapedmovies forTyrellwithmessages thatshe feels

arepositive. Manyof theprogramsonpublic televisionstationsarealsosmart

choices,

although

many

are

aimed

at

kids

a

little

younger

than

Tyrell.

Givinghim theoptionofnotwatchingTVatall isalsoeffective. Oftentimes,

kidsarent really interested inwatchingTV,but theycant thinkofanythingelse

todo. Simply telling them to turnoff theTVanddosomethingelsecanbe

asource forarguments. OfferingachoicebetweenwatchingTVanddoing

somethingyourchildusuallyenjoysallowsyourchild tomakehisorherown

decision.

In

many

cases,

your

child

will

opt

for

playing

or

coloring.

Your

childwillappreciateyoursuggestionandyoursupportofhisorherability to

makedecisions.

4-10YEAR

S

41


45/67

Mentoring

your

child

to

support

andencouragedesiredbehaviors

Nowcheckoutthisexampleofparentsbeingmentors.Asyouread,

thinkaboutthesequestions:

Is theparentbeinga thoughtfulmentor?

Is

she

being

honest

with

herself?

Isshe judgingherchild?

Is theparentdeveloping thechilds interestor forcing

thechild todevelopan interest?


yourchild?

Irit and Ari (Age 9)

Whats theStory? Ari isaveryoutgoingboy,who joinsmanyclubsand

groupsatonce. Atschool,hesignsup forscouting troops,sports teams,music

lessons;anything thathehasnt tried is interesting tohim. Asa result,Ari

leavesa lotof thingsunfinished,droppingoutofone thing topursueanother.

Although

Irit

encourages

her

son

to

try

new

things,

she

is

worried

about

him

trying

too

many

things

at

once.

IritSays: Hedoesntstay focusedonanyone thing longenough toknow

ifhe likes it. Hemaybeagiftedartist,oragracefulathlete,oranatural leader.

Butheneverstayswithone thing longenough to really learn itandgrow in it.

Im

glad

he

has

so

many

interests,

but

he

doesnt

seem

to

know

when

to

stop.

42


46/67

Whats thePoint? Ashismentor, IritshouldbehonestwithAriabouther

concerns. She isproudofall the thingsAridoes,butshe thinksheshould try to

expandoneor twoof those interests. Iritmaywant tosetsome rules to limit

the

number

of

clubs

and

sports

Ari

can

do

over

a

given

time.

Ari

can

decide

for

himself

which

thing

(or

things)

he

wants

to

pursue.

Irit

may

want

to

get

involved insomeof these thingsaswell,bybeingascout leaderorbringing

snacks togamesandpractices.

Arialsoneeds to learn that finishing things is justas importantas tryingnew

things.

Here,

again,

Irit

can

set

up

some

rules

for

Ari.

For

instance,

Irit

could

limit

the

lessons

or

hobbies

that

cost

money.

If

Ari

chooses

to

take

a

dance

class

thatcostsmoneyand lasts forsixweeks, thenhehas toattendallsixweeks

of thedanceclass,even ifhe loses interestafter the firstweek. Or,shemay limit

him toonlyoneactivity thatcarriesacost foracertain time.Becausemost

hobbies

carry

some

cost,

Ari

cant

doasmany thingsat

once. He thenhas to

focusononlya few things

ata time.

Itsalsoessential that Irit

explainheractions toAri.

Ifshe limitshishobbies

without tellinghimwhy,Ari

may

think

that

his

mother

doesnt

want

him

to

do

anythingorhaveany fun.

Showingsupport isoneof

themain jobsofamentor.

By

explaining

her

decision,

Irit

can

show

her

support

while

keeping

things

under

control. Sheshouldalsomake itclear toAri thathedoesnthave tobean

expertateverything. Iritcangiveexamplesof thingsshestartedbuteventually

stopped

because

she

either

lost

interest

in

them,

or

they

werent

as

rewarding

as

otheractivities. Arineeds toknow that itsacceptable todo thingsbecauseyou

want to,even ifyouarent thebestat them.

4-10YEAR

S

43


47/67

Modeling

your

own

behavior

toprovideaconsistent,

positive

example

for

your

child

Takealookatthisexampleofparentsasmodels.Asyouread,consider

thesequestions:

Are theseparentsbeingpositiverolemodels?

Do

the

parents

words

and

actions

match?

Are theparentsbeingrespectfulofothers?

Of theirchildren?

Are theseparentsbeinghonestwith themselves

about theirownactions?


yourchild?

Andy,Kristi,Pat,andJason(Age7)2,3,4

Whats theStory? KristiandAndysplitupnearly fiveyearsago,when

theirsonJasonwas two. Andyhas remarried,andKristiandJasonhavebeen

livingwithPat for the last threeyears. Andy tries tobeveryactive inhissons

life,

which

is

a

source

of

conflict

for

Kristi.

She

cant

let

go

of

her

anger

toward

Andy

and

makes

sour

comments

about

him

in

front

of

Jason.

When

Andycomes topickuphisson,Kristiusuallystartsanargumentwithhim,

aboutchildsupportor the timingofvisits. Pat tries tobufferKristisanger,but

feels thatherattitude isbad forallof them,especiallyJason.

PatSays: Imnotsaying thatsheshould forgiveand forgether timewith

Andy. Butat thevery leastsheshouldcurbherangerwhenJasonsaround.

Thepoorkid isstuck in themiddle.Jason loveshismomandhisdad;heshould

lovebothhisparents. I try tostayoutof itmostof the time,because itsan

44


48/67

issue that isbestkeptbetweenKristiandAndy,butherattitude fillsourhome

withsuchnegativity that Isometimeshave tochange thesubject forJasonssake.

And formyownsake.

KristiSays:Noone reallyknowswhatAndy is like,exceptme. Hes the

onewho leftmewitha toddlerandnomeansofsupport,withoutasecond

thought. Pathasno ideawhat Iwent through. Im justgettingJason ready

for thehurtanddisappointment thathis father issure tobring. Itsonlyamatter

of timebeforehe leavesJason, too. Pat justdoesntknow.

Andy

Says:

Kristi

is

out-of-control.

I

thought

she

had

finally

moved

on

when

shemoved inwithPat,but Iguessnot. YoucanseehowupsetJasongetswhen

shestartssaying those things; itswrittenalloverhis face. Ican tell itmakes

Patuncomfortable, too. Ive tried tomake itclear thatarguing in frontofJason

isnotacceptable tome. ButKristineverstops. Even though I try toexplain

to

Jason

that

his

mom

and

my

arguments

arent

his

fault,

I

know

hes

hurt

by

the

wholesituation.

Whats thePoint? Itshard foranychild tohearawful thingsabouthisor

herparentdayafterday; itsevenworsewhen theotherparent is theone

saying

those

awful

things.

Jason

is

left

having

to

choose

between

his

mother

andhis father. Itsanawfulposition forachild tobeplaced in.

Despiteherclaims thatshe is trying toprepareJason fordisappointment,

Kristisactionsaremorehurtful tohim thanhelpful. Itmakessense thatshewants

to

protect

Jason,

but

her

actions

focus

on

protecting

herself.

She

needs

to

see

that thingsareno longeraboutherandAndy,but thatJason iswhatsmost

important.Jasonneeds tobeallowed todevelophisown relationshipwitheach

parent,one thatdoesnt involve theother. Hewillmakehisowndecisionsabout

his fatherandmotherandhowactivehewants them tobe inhis lifeashegets

older.

Kristis

actions

may

force

Jason

to

limit

his

time

with

her

later

in

his

life.

4-10YEAR

S

45


49/67

Andyspointaboutnotarguing in frontofJason isalso important. Again,

the issue isbetweenKristiandAndy;Jasonshouldnotbe involved,evenas

abystander. Itspainfulandconfusing forchildren tohear theirparentsargue.

They

often

blame

themselves

for

their

parents

words

and

actions,

thinking

that if theybehavedbetterordidbetter inschool, then theirparentswould

getalong. BothAndyandKristineed to reassureJason that their fighting is

nothis fault. IfKristi is

unableorunwilling

tohelpAndyconvey

this toJason,maybe

Andy

can

enlist

Patshelp. Regardless

ofwho reinforces

the idea, itsvital for

Jason toknow

that

his

parents

haveproblemswith

eachother,

notwithhim.

46


50/67

11-14YEARS

Responding

to

your


manner

Theexamplebelowwillgiveyouabetterideaofwhatitmeansto

respondtoyourchildinanappropriatemanner.Asyouread,think


Are theparents in thestoryreacting

orresponding?

Is theirresponseappropriate to thechildsage?

Is theirresponseappropriate to thesituation?

Howmightyourespond toyourchild in thesame

situation?

Nancy, Akira, andKoji (Age 11)4,6

Whats theStory? Koji isanactive,bright,11-year-oldboy. Heplays

soccer

in

the

area

league,

likes

computer

games,

and

sleeps

over

at

his

friendshouses. Healsohatesanything related toschool,especially

homework,andgoesoutofhisway toavoidall things linked toschool. His

parents,

Nancy

and

Akira,

know

that

Koji

is

avoiding

his

homework

and

often

punishhim to try tochangehisattitudeandbehavior. The result isadailybattle.

NancySays: Weve triedeverything. We tellhim,Doyourhomework

or

no

TV.

Or,

Do

your

homework

or

you

cant

go

to

your

friends

house.

Wevesenthim tohis room, takenawayhisgames,evensenthim to tutors.

Nothingworks.11-14YEARS

47


51/67

AkiraSays: He justdoesntunderstand the importanceofgoodstudyhabits.

Ifhedevelopsgoodstudyhabitsnow,whilehesyoung,hellhaveaneasier

time in theoldergrades. Idontknowwhyhedoesntsee that. Hedoesnthave

any

discipline.

Whats thePoint? Kojimightnotbeable toseehisparentspoint-of-view

because theyhavent toldhimwhy theywanthim todohishomework. To them,

the reasonsareclear: theywantKoji tobuildgoodstudyhabitsnowso that

hewilldowell inhighschool. Evenmore than that, theywant to instillasense

of

discipline

in

Koji,

so

that

he

learns

how

to

start

and

finish

things.

For

Nancy

and

Akira,

these

ideas

dont

need

to

be

explained.

ForKoji,disciplineandstudyhabitsare justwordshisparentsusewhen they

talkaboutschool. Butheprobablydoesnt reallyknowwhat thesewordsmean.

Hisparentsneed toexplain these things inaway thatmakes themmore

concrete

or

real

for

Koji.

Also,

because

he

only

11,

Koji

doesnt

think

in

terms

ofhis future. Hecantseehow the thingshedoesnowaffect the thingshelldo

whenhes20. (In fact,he thinks20 isold!) Kojicantyetseehimself in the

future,

beyond

the

idea

that

his

body

will

get

bigger.

His

parents

need

to

help

him toenvisionhispossible futureselvesso thathe recognizes the linkbetween

presentactionand futureconsequence.

48


52/67

Another thingKojisparentsshould thinkabout ishishistorywithschool. Has

Kojialwaysdislikedschoolor is thisa recentchange inhisattitude? Howare

hisgradesnowascompared tohisgrades in thepast? Howarehis friends

doing

in

school

?

Has

there

been

a

change

in

their

attitudes

as

well?

Koji

could

beslightlymoreadvanced thansomeofhisclassmates; if thats thecase,he

mightbebored. Or theoppositemaybe true;Kojimaybe frustratedbecause

hedoesntunderstandwhathes trying to learn,somaybehes justgivingup.

IfKojis friendsareshowingsomeof thesamechanges inbehaviorandattitude,

maybe the friendsare influencingeachother intonot likingschool. Nancyand

Akirashould talk toKojis teachersand tohis friendsparents to try to figure

out

when

his

change

in

attitude

started

and

what

was

happening

around

him

at that time.

NancyandAkiramayalsowant tobuild familyhomework time into their

nightly routine. Bysettingaside time forKoji todohomework,whileoneorboth

of

his

parents

are

in

the

room

reading

or

doing

some

other

type

of

work,

Nancy

andAkiracanhelpKoji turnan idea likediscipline intoanaction.

Itsmucheasier forchildren toknowwhatyouredoing if theyknowwhyyoure

doing it. Explainingyour reasons fordoingornotdoing thingsgetsacross

your

values

more

effectively

by

showing

those

values

in

action.

If

you

support

youractionswith reasons,youalsogiveyourchildhisorherbestexample

ofhow tomakean informedchoice. Thispracticealsobringsmoreorder into

yourchildsworld,byshowingastartingpoint (yourvalue/reason)andan

endpoint (youraction/choice) foranevent.

11-14YEARS

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Preventing

risky

behavior


Thenextexampleshowshowyoucanpreventproblemsbeforetheyarise.

Asyouread,askyourselfthesequestions:

Is theparentactive in thechilds life?

Are

the

limits

involved

realistic?

Is theproblembigger than theparentcan

handlealone?

Should theparentseekoutsidehelp?


yourchild?

Janice

and

Christopher

(Age

14)

2,5,6

Whats theStory? Lately,Christopherhasbeenspendinga lotof time in

hisbedroomwith thedoorclosed. WhenJaniceknocksonhisdoor,he rarely

answersher;whensheenters the room,he is lyingonhisbed listening tohis

radiowithhisheadphoneson. CantyouKNOCK?heyells. WhenJanice

asks

him

what

hes

listening

to,

he

says

Nothing.

Christopher

has

gotten

four

after-school

detentions

in

the

last

month,

mostly

for

getting

into

fights

and

arguments.Janiceknows thatChristophershoutsatherandathisyounger

sistermoreoften thanheused to,butshesnotsurewhyhessoangryorhow

tohelphim.

JaniceSays: Hesalwayskept tohimself,but Iveneverseenhim like this.

The littlest thingcanmakehimexplode. Itdoesntmakesense. Hisgrades

are fine;hedoeshischores;hedresses thesame. Hes justsoangry. What if

hehitssomeone? What ifhisyellingchanges intopunching? Whatcan Ido?

Im reallyworriedabouthim.

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ChristopherSays: Iwishshewould layoff! Shes

Adventures in Parenting Rev

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