Having close connections is vital to every aspect of our health – mental, emotional, and physical.

Hawkley – U. of Chicago Calculates that loneliness raises blood pressure

to the point where the risk of heart attack and stroke is doubled.

House – U. of Michigan› Emotional isolation is more dangerous

health risk than smoking or high blood pressure.

Case Western Reserve U.› Men with a history of angina and high

blood pressure› Those who reported “no” to the question

“does your wife show her love” suffered twice as many angina episodes during a five year period.

Women who have had a heart attack stand a threefold higher risk of having another if there was discord in their marriage.

Patients with congestive heart failure – the state of their marriage is as good a predictor of survival after four yeas as the severity of the symptoms.

Conflict with and hostile criticism from loved ones increase our self-doubts and create a sense of helplessness› These are classic triggers for depression› We live in a epidemic of anxiety and

depression

The California Divorce Mediation Project reported that the most common reason given for divorcing given by close to 80% of all men and women was gradually growing apart and losing a sense of closeness, and not feeling loved and appreciated.› Severe and intense fighting were endorsed

by only 40% of the couples.

Hundreds of studies now show that positive loving connections with others protect us from stress and help us cope better with life’s challenges and traumas.

Simply holding the hand of a loving partner can affect us profoundly› Research has found that this act literally

calms jittery neurons in the brain.

People we love are “hidden regulators” of our bodily processes and our emotional lives.

In 1939, women ranked love fifth as a factor in choosing a mate

By the 1990s, it topped the list for both women and men.

College students now say that their key expectation from marriage is “emotional security.”

High levels of conflict in a marriage often precipitate behavioral and emotional problems in children (depression).

Emotional distancing between parents also frequently leads to distancing from the kids.› This is especially true of fathers and their

children› When men withdraw from their wives, they

also often become unavailable to their children.

When we feel securely attached to our partner, we tend to find it easier to be good parents.

Kids learn positive ways to deal with their emotions and connect with others.

Securely attached children are happier, more socially competent, and more resilient in the face of stress.

Moms who are anxious and insecure about closeness, if they are married to responsive men who provide them with a safe connection, are able to be positive and loving with their kids.

When we love each other well, we help each other parent well.

The idea that one of the best things you can do for your child is to create a loving relationship with your partner is not sentimental, it’s a scientific fact.

When we love our partner well, we offer a blueprint for a loving relationship to our children and their future partners.

Gottman’s research on patterns that predicts later divorcing:

1. An affectlessness, the relationship appears to be emotionally dead. There is no joy, no affection, no humor. They are unresponsive to one another.

2. People are like passing ships in the night. They miss each other, no connecting affectively. No passion. They are emotionally unavailable.

3. They do not seem like close friends.4. There is a lot of tension. There are low

levels of negative affect, but they do not escalate.

5. They keep saying everything is okay, but they appear to not feel entitled to their complaints about the relationship

6. There is little attempt on the part of either person to soothe the other.

No Connection› Lack of emotion

› Unresponsive

› Emotionally unavailable

Connection› Emotion is key

› Are responsive to one another

› Are emotionally available to one another

Building blocks of a secure bond. Partner can be physically present but

emotionally absent. Emotional engagement and the trust

that this engagement will be there when needed is crucial.

When there is no engagement, no emotional responsiveness, the message reads “you don’t matter to me.”

Emotion is central to individuals being accessible and ‘emotionally’ responsive to one another› Any response, even anger, is better than

none. It is in our closest relationships where

our strongest emotions arise and where they seem to have most impact

Emotion tells us and communicates to others what our motivations and needs are

They can be seen as the ‘music’ to the relationship dance

This means staying open to your partner even when you have doubts and feel insecure.

It often means being willing to struggle to make sense of your emotions so these emotions are not so overwhelming

You can then step back from disconnection and can tune in to your lover’s attachment cues.

This means tuning into your partner and showing that his or her emotions have an impact on you.

It means accepting and placing a priority on the emotional signals your partner conveys and sending clear signals of comfort and caring when your partner needs them.

Sensitive responsiveness always touches us emotionally and calms us on a physical level.

The dictionary defines engaged as being absorbed, attracted, pulled, captivated, pledged, involved.

Emotional engagement means the very special kinds of attention that we give only to a loved one.

We gaze at them longer, touch them more.

Often we talk of this as being “emotionally present.”

In these moments of safe attunement and connection› Both partners can hear each other’s

attachment cry and respond with soothing care,

› Forging a new bond that can withstand differences, wounds, and the test of time.

Often found in small moments of time› Its in these moments of safe connection

that change everything› They provide a reassuring answer to the

question “are you there for me”› Once partners know how to speak to their

need and bring each other close, every trial they face together simply makes their love stronger.

These moments of connections create new patterns in the relationship – a new dance

If you know your loved one is there and will come when you call, you are more confident of your worth and your value.

The world is less intimidating when you have another to count on and you know that you are not alone.

Vulnerability Compassion› One becomes vulnerable and the other

responds with compassion.

Vulnerability Vulnerability› One becomes vulnerable and the other

responds with becoming vulnerable as well.