Adoptive & Foster Parent Connect Group · department, 73.04% of adoptive parents stated that other...

Adoptive & Foster Parent

Connect Group

Facilitator’s Guide

Lifeline Children’s Services (205) 967-0811 www.lifelinechild.org

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Table of Contents Role of Connect Groups 4

Facilitator Suggestions 5 Group Confidentiality Agreement 6

Group Evaluation 7 Supplies Needed Heart Felt Feelings Worksheet 9 Facilitator (F) and Parent (P) Session Outlines

Impact of Child’s History

F: Children from Hard Places 10 P: Children from Hard Places 11

F: Fear 12 P: Fear 13

F: Connection 14 P: Connection 15 F: Understanding Developmental Age 16 P: Understanding Developmental Age 17 F: Sensory Processing 18 P: Sensory Processing 19 Responding to Behaviors

F: Structure and Nurture 20

P: Structure and Nurture 21

F: Manipulation and Control 22 P: Manipulation and Control 23 F: Lying 24 P: Lying 25 F: Aggressive and Violent Behavior 26 P: Aggressive and Violent Behavior 27


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Parenting and Lifestyle Adjustments F: Simplicity 28 P: Simplicity 29 F: Saying “Yes” 30 P: Saying “Yes” 31 F: Parenting Biological and Adoptive Children/Children in Care 32 P: Parenting Biological and Adoptive Children/Children in Care 33 F: Repairing Your Mistakes 34 P: Repairing Your Mistakes 35


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Role of Connect Groups

In a 2016 research study conducted by the Lifeline Children’s Services Post Adoption department, 73.04% of adoptive parents stated that other adoptive parents were their first source of support when faced with questions or challenges regarding their adoptive children. Connect groups provide support and allow space for parents to build relationships, offer advice, and share the adoption/foster care journey. While long-term groups might prefer an open discussion format, we’ve found that newer groups benefit from the structure of video lessons and short outlines. This guide provides all the components needed to start an adoption and/or foster care connect group. Included are suggestions for group format, supplies needed, a confidentiality agreement, group evaluations, facilitator outlines, and printable outlines/worksheets for participants. Each session is broken into three sections: Connect, Explore, Apply. The Connect sections contain check-in questions or activities where participants can share about their week. This time is valuable in building group cohesion and encouraging vulnerability. Connect sections also include questions that frame the session topic. The Explore sections introduce the session video and video notes. Participants can fill in their outlines during the videos. The Apply sections offer topical questions to guide discussion. Apply sections offer the greatest opportunity for support; therefore, open discussion should take precedence over the outlined questions. The content of this connect group is based on a collection of educational videos on the Empowered to Connect website. Empowered to Connect is a faith-based nonprofit that offers adoption and foster care resources based in the concepts of Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI*). Sessions each include a 5-10 minute video provided by Empowered to Connect. Videos can be accessed by going to http://www.empoweredtoconnect.org, then entering the video title in the website’s search box.

Thank you for leading this connect group and providing a place for adoptive and/or foster parents to share each other’s joys and burdens. We encourage you to make this group your own. Feel free to substitute activities and use whichever sessions most apply to your participants. We pray blessings for your group as you grow together. Sincerely, Lifeline Children’s Services Crossings Team (205) 967-0811

* For more information on TBRI, we encourage you to read The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis (2007), or you may purchase the TBRI DVD series at http://child.tcu.edu/store.


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Facilitator Suggestions

Before Session Provide child care. Choose an applicable session, and print any worksheets or participant outlines. Create a quiet meeting space where discussion can be open and confidential. Set up the meeting space 30 minutes in advance with any snacks or materials.

First Session Introduce the format (Connect, Explore, Apply) and the content (Empowered to

Connect videos) of the group. Discuss confidentiality and have group members sign a confidentiality agreement.

Keep the confidentiality agreements on file. o Stress that the connect group is a safe place where everything said within

the group stays within the group. o Also, though you may not be a mandated reporter, inform participants that

it is your ethical responsibility to inform the police or Child Protective Services if any participant reveals child abuse, elder abuse, or threats of harm to themselves or others.

On a separate sheet of paper, have each participant write down three things they would like to get from this connect group. Collect responses and use to choose group sessions.

Every Session Begin each week with a prayer, welcome, and introductions of new group members. Encourage positive conversation and support. Be prepared to facilitate conversation if any one person monopolizes the time,

discussion, or mood of the group. Recognize when the needs of an individual are outside the scope of your expertise.

Refer participants to Lifeline Children’s Services’ Post Adoption Department (205-967-0811) or trauma-qualified counselors in your area.

End each session with prayer and encouragement.

Last Session Have each member complete the group evaluation to improve the structure and

content of future groups.


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Group Confidentiality Agreement

Confidentiality, a trust of privacy or secrecy of communication and information, is special in a support-group setting, and is the shared responsibility of all group members and their facilitator(s). Without permission from the participant, a group facilitator will not disclose participant communications except as provided by law or in other limited circumstances; however, group members’ communications and information are not protected. Thus, this agreement is an attempt to provide you and your fellow group members with as much confidentiality protection as possible. As a participant of this connect group, I will not divulge, without permission, any confidential information that comes to me through group activities or discussion. This shall include:

not discussing any information pertaining to any group members with anyone (including my own family) who is not a member of this group.

not discussing any information pertaining to any group members in any place where it can be overheard by anyone not directly involved with the group.

not contacting any individual or agency outside of the connect group to get personal information about any group member.

not releasing any information, in writing or orally, regarding any group members to any person(s) or agencies. I understand that in extreme circumstances, such as medical emergencies, it may be necessary to release information to a health caregiver without the group member’s consent.

I understand that violation of these confidentiality principals could potentially result in my

termination as a group member.

By my signature below, I indicate that I have read carefully and understand this Agreement and that I agree to its terms and conditions. Signature of Participant Date

Signature of Facilitator Date


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Group Evaluation

1. On a scale of 1-10, how well did the group support your needs?

Did not Really Support Supported Supported

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

2. On a scale of 1-10, how well did the group content apply to your needs?

Did not Really Apply Applied Applied

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

3. On a scale of 1-10, how did you like the group time and location?

Did not Really Like Liked Liked 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

4. What was your favorite aspect of the group?

Fellowship prior to and after the group Open discussion Check-in questions Session videos and outlines Video questions Other (please specify):

5. Do you have any other suggestions for improvements?

Thank you for your input!


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Supplies Needed

Each Week Pens/pencils Crayons Fidgets (playdoh, stress balls, squishy toys, etc.) Facilitator Outline Copies of Parent Outline Water Peppermints or candy Tissues Projection capabilities Laptop (http://empoweredtoconnect.org/)

Week One Get-to-know you game Copies of Group Confidentiality Agreement

Final Week Certificate of group completion Copies of Group Evaluation Refreshments for celebration

http://empoweredtoconnect.org/


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Heart Felt Feelings Worksheet


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Children from Hard Places Facilitator Outline

Connect

What are three feelings you’re experiencing and a need in your life right now? Do our experiences prenatally, as an infant, or in early childhood impact the person we grow into? How so?

Explore

Watch Empowered-to-Connect video (“Children from Hard Places”) https://vimeo.com/8444867 Session Notes

1. Six major risk factors:

Difficult pregnancy Difficult birth Early hospitalization Abuse Neglect Trauma

2. We have to come to our children with great respect for where they’ve come from.

3. Look at children’s behaviors and remember that brain formation, trust formation, brain chemistry, and sensory processing were all determined the first year before birth and the first year after birth.

4. Have compassion as your touchstone.

Apply

What stood out to you? How do these risk factors impact your child’s behaviors and relationships? Do you agree with Dr. Purvis that we must always see our children through the eyes of their history? Is it ever difficult to do this? How has compassion for your child’s history changed the way you parent?

https://vimeo.com/8444867


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Children from Hard Places Parent Outline

Session Notes

Six major risk factors:

1. Difficult 2. Difficult 3. Early 4. 5. 6.

We have to come to our children with great for where

they’ve come from.

Look at children’s behaviors and remember that brain ,

trust , chemistry, and processing

were all determined the first year before birth and the first year after birth.

Have as your touchstone.


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Fear Facilitator Outline

Connect

Using playdough, create an object that symbolizes your current emotions. Explain. When you were a child, what were you afraid of? How did you express that fear or respond to triggers?

Explore

Watch Empowered-to-Connect video (“The Impact of Fear”) https://vimeo.com/21253193 Session Notes

1. Children have felt fear for so long that it is normal.

2. Their fear can manifest as violence, aggression, stubbornness, etc.

3. Parent’s response:

Take a step back. Take a deep breath. Look for physiological signs of fear in child (dilated pupils, shallow breathing,

tense jaw, tightened shoulders and muscles). Ask your child to use words. Be proactive about understanding your child is afraid, and give them

mechanisms to handle it.

4. When you respond to fear-based behavior with wisdom, insight, and compassion, you help your child lay down fear and begin to trust.

Apply

What stood out to you? How do you see fear behind your child’s behaviors? How can you give him strategies and tools to combat that fear?



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Fear Parent Outline

Session Notes Children have felt for so long that it is normal. Their fear can manifest as violence, aggression, stubbornness, etc. Parent’s Response:

1. Take a back. 2. Take a deep . 3. Look for signs of fear in child (dilated pupils,

shallow breathing, tense jaw, tightened shoulders and muscles). 4. Ask your child to use . 5. Be about understanding your child is afraid,

and give them mechanisms to handle it. When you respond to fear-based behavior with , , and , you help your child lay down fear and begin to trust.


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Connection Facilitator Outline

Connect

Heart Felt Feelings Worksheet: With crayons, draw a large heart on a piece of blank paper. Choose 4-6 emotions you would like to include, and assign a color to each feeling (i.e. red describes “angry”). Color the portion of your heart that you feel is being filled with that emotion. How do you feel connected to your child? Does that connection continue to deepen?

Explore

Watch Empowered-to-Connect video (“Keeping Connection as the Goal”) https://vimeo.com/44170860 Session Notes

1. God’s goal with us is connection.

2. GOAL: Connect deeply with your child.

3. GOAL: Correction is never done until your child is connected with you. 4. Connection is achieved when you get a re-do that ends with success, a hug, a “great

job,” or a smile. 5. After correction, we want the child to be more deeply connected than he was

before the correction.

Apply

What stood out to you? When you correct your child, how does he relate to you afterwards? (i.e. distant, angry, avoidant, fearful, loving, affectionate) What can you say when correcting to deepen that connection?



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Connection Parent Outline

Session Notes God’s goal with us is . GOAL: Connect with your child. GOAL: is never done until your child is connected with you. Connection is achieved when you get a re-do that ends with success, a hug, a “great job,” or a smile. After correction, we want the child to be more deeply than he was before the correction.


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Understanding Developmental Age Facilitator Outline

Connect

Using playdough, create an object that symbolizes your current emotions. Explain. Do you ever compare your child’s behaviors to those of other children his age? Do his behaviors ever seem immature?

Explore

Watch Empowered-to-Connect video (“Why Won’t My Child Act His Age?”) https://vimeo.com/45041895 Session Notes

1. Ask, “What needs haven’t been met?”

2. Brain development has been missed.

3. Never turn away your child when he comes to you with a need.

4. These children’s brain development directly corresponds to the amount of trusting, loving, consistent interaction they have with a caring adult.

5. When your child has a need, celebrate that need.

Apply

What stood out to you? What do you think is your child’s developmental age? What behaviors show you this? What did you think of Dr. Purvis’ comment, “Don’t give spiritual answers”? How can you incorporate your faith into this type of parenting? How can you celebrate your child’s needs and help him build trust?



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Understanding Developmental Age Parent Outline

Session Notes Ask, “What haven’t been met?” development has been missed. Never turn away your child when he comes to you with a . These children’s brain development directly corresponds to the amount of

__________________, loving, consistent interaction they have with a caring adult.

When your child has a need, that need.


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Sensory Processing Facilitator Outline

Connect

Using playdough, create an object that symbolizes your current emotions. Explain. Are you ever sensitive to overstimulation? (I.e. bright colors, loud noises, feathery touches) How do sensory issues impact your mood and concentration?

Explore

Watch Empowered-to-Connect video (“Understanding Sensory Processing”) https://vimeo.com/21253086 Session Notes

1. If children aren’t nurtured, the brain doesn’t mature.

2. If children don’t process the senses, they are more reactive to senses.

3. Sight, Sound, Touch, Smell, Taste, and Internal Senses:

a. Vestibular - Know where you are in space. b. Proprioceptive - How you process deep touch.

c. Tactile - Interpreting the feeling of touch.

4. Recommended readings: The Out-of-Sync Child and The Out-of-Sync Child Has Fun.

5. Create a one week behavior diary and examine for sensory overload.

Apply

What stood out to you? After hearing Dr. Purvis, can you detect any sensory issues that your children might have? Are there certain environments or triggers that impact their behaviors? How can you provide for one of their sensory needs this week?



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Sensory Processing

Parent Outline

Session Notes If children aren’t , their brain doesn’t mature. If children don’t process the senses, they are more to senses. Sight, Sound, Touch, Smell, Taste, and Internal senses:

a. - Know where you are in space. b. - How you process deep touch.

c. - Interpreting the feeling of touch.

Recommended readings: The Out-of-Sync Child and The Out-of-Sync Child Has Fun. Create a one week behavior and examine for sensory overload.


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Structure and Nurture Facilitator Outline

Connect

What is one emotion that you experienced when interacting with your children this week? Is it more natural for you to nurture your children or provide structure for them? Can there be a balance? How does that impact your home?

Explore

Watch Empowered-to-Connect video (“Create a Balance of Structure and Nurture”) https://vimeo.com/10766237 Session Notes

1. You must create a balance of nurture and structure.

2. If you give nurture when a child needs structure, they can’t grow.

3. If you give structure when a child needs nurture, they can’t trust.

4. Do something playful to give a child structure.

5. Create a nurturing environment, and offer age-appropriate, reasonable structure for best results.

Apply

What stood out to you? Do you think either structure or nurture is at all lacking in your parenting style? How can you create more balance, so that your child can trust and grow?



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Structure and Nurture Parent Outline

Session Notes You must create a of nurture and structure. If you give nurture when a child needs structure, they can’t . If you give structure when a child needs nurture, they can’t . Do something to give a child structure. Create a environment, and offer age-appropriate, reasonable structure for best results.


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Manipulation and Control Facilitator Outline

Connect

Heart Felt Feelings Worksheet: With crayons, draw a large heart on a piece of blank paper. Choose 4-6 emotions you would like to include, and assign a color to each feeling (i.e. red describes “angry”). Color the portion of your heart that you feel is being filled with that emotion. Does your child manipulate or control situations/relationships? How do you respond to those behaviors? How do they make you feel?

Explore

Watch Empowered-to-Connect video (“How Do I Handle Manipulation and Control”) https://vimeo.com/44365631 Session Notes

1. Manipulation and control are primary tools for children who didn’t have a voice.

2. Don’t over-react and label your child.

3. Respond with “I want to meet your needs, but I need honest words.”

a. Say “yes” if it’s in your power to do so.

4. Appropriate levels of predictability and control help children let go of these behaviors. a. Give small choices.

b. Children give up control and manipulation as they learn that they have a voice

and will get what they need.

Apply

What stood out to you? When your children use manipulation or control what are they trying to tell you? What do they need? How can you help them more appropriately express these needs?



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Manipulation and Control

Parent Outline

Session Notes

Manipulation and control are primary tools for children who didn’t have a . Don’t over-react and your child. Respond with “I want to meet your needs, but I need honest words.”

a. Say “yes” if it’s in your power to do so.

Appropriate levels of and help children let go of these behaviors.

a. Give small .

b. Children give up control and manipulation as they learn that they have a voice and will get what they .


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Lying Facilitator Outline

Connect

What is one emotion that you experienced when interacting with your children this week? Why do we lie? What is the purpose of it?

Explore

Watch Empowered-to-Connect video (“How to Handle Lying”) https://vimeo.com/50107232 Session Notes

1. GOAL: Honest communication with trust and integrity.

a. We are not trying to “catch them in a lie” and make an example out of them; rather we want to celebrate their successes.

2. Ways to respond to lies while still staying connected:

a. “Really? Wow. Do you want to think about that and try that again?” b. “Sweetie, is that real or pretend? Let’s try it again and not pretend this time.”

c. “You know, that isn’t what I thought I saw happen… you want to take a minute and think about it and then come back and tell me what you think happened?”

3. What not to do:

a. Overreact. b. Not react at all – ignore the lie.

Apply

What stood out to you? What baggage do we bring into the family regarding lying? Why is the truth important?



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Lying Parent Outline

Session Notes

GOAL: Honest communication with and integrity.

a. We are not trying to “catch them in a lie” and make an example out of them; rather we want to celebrate their successes.

Ways to respond to lies while still staying :

a. “Really? Wow. Do you want to think about that and try that again?”

b. “Sweetie, is that real or pretend? Let’s try it again and not pretend this time.”

c. “You know, that isn’t what I thought I saw happen… you want to take a

minute and think about it and then come back and tell me what you think happened?”

What not to do:

a. Overreact.

b. Not react at all – ignore the lie.


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Aggressive and Violent Behavior Facilitator Outline

Connect

Heart Felt Feelings Worksheet: With crayons, draw a large heart on a piece of blank paper. Choose 4-6 emotions you would like to include, and assign a color to each feeling (i.e. red describes “angry”). Color the portion of your heart that you feel is being filled with that emotion. Does your child ever become aggressive or violent? How do you respond to those behaviors?

Explore

Watch Empowered-to-Connect video (“Responding to Aggressive and Violent Behavior”) https://vimeo.com/44089427 Session Notes

1. Use the TBRI 4 Levels of Response. 2. If a child’s brain has been changed by abuse or in-utero harm, he is more likely to be

aggressive. 3. To be successful, you want to catch any forest fires when they are sparks – be

proactive. 4. Use a firmer tone and less touch as a child’s aggression escalates. 5. You can seek outside training in crisis prevention and de-escalation. 6. Ultimate goal is reconnection:

a. “Tell me what you need.” b. “Tell me what happened.” c. “If you use words to tell me what you need, I’ll do everything I can to meet that

need. But when you hit me, I just don’t understand what you’re asking.” 7. Aggression will usually extinguish over several weeks or months.

Apply

What stood out to you? Are there certain situations that trigger your child’s aggression/violence? What might he need in those situations? How can you develop and practice a plan of response to use when your child’s behavior escalates?



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Aggressive and Violent Behavior Parent Outline

Session Notes If a child’s brain has been changed by abuse or in-utero harm, he is more likely to be . To be successful, you want to catch any forest fires when they are sparks – be . Use a firm tone and less as a child’s aggression escalates. You can seek outside training in crisis prevention and de-escalation. Ultimate goal is reconnection:

a. “Tell me what you need.”

b. “Tell me what happened.”

c. “If you use words to tell me what you need, I’ll do everything I can to meet that need. But when you hit me, I just don’t understand what you’re asking.”

Aggression will usually over several weeks or months.


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Simplicity Facilitator Outline

Connect

What are three feelings you’re experiencing and a need in your life right now? Think through this week’s schedule. How many opportunities have you had to just play with your children? To work on connection? How does a busy week impact your children? How does it impact you?

Explore

Watch Empowered-to-Connect video (“Simplify Your Life”) https://vimeo.com/10761426 Session Notes

1. If your life is simple, you can build the relationship.

2. Educate friends and extended family about the importance of simplicity.

3. Ideally 90 days of simplified schedule.

4. Simplify media use, work commitments, meals, activities, and spend time with your

child.

5. Biological model: 9-12 months of feeding and holding. Children who have been adopted or children in care need the same beginning to connect and feel safe with you.

Apply

What stood out to you? Were you able to simplify life when your child was newly in your home? How did that impact your attachment? How is life now? Are there are still areas that could be simplified?



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Simplicity Parent Outline

Session Notes

If your life is simple, you can build the . Educate friends and about the importance of simplicity. Ideally days of simplified schedule. Simplify media use, work commitments, meals, activities, and spend time with your child. Biological model: 9-12 months of feeding and holding. Children who have been adopted or children in care need the same beginning to and feel with you.


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Saying “Yes” Facilitator Outline

Connect

Using playdough, create an object that symbolizes your current emotions. Explain. Over the course of the day, how many times do you say “yes” to your child? How many times do you say “no”?

Explore

Watch Empowered-to-Connect video (“Building Trust by Saying “Yes”) https://vimeo.com/41403937 Session Notes

1. Saying “yes” builds trust. 2. Trust is the foundation. 3. We often say “no” because it’s not convenient for us. 4. Try to give a joyful “yes.” 5. When we have to say “no” our children are better able to accept it.

Apply

What stood out to you? Why do you often say “no” to your child? What would it take to give your children a joyful “yes”?



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Saying “Yes” Parent Outline

Session Notes Saying “yes” builds . Trust is the . We often say “no” because it’s not for us. Try to give a “yes.” When we have to say “no” our children are better able to it.


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Parenting Biological and Adoptive Children/Children in Care

Facilitator Outline

Connect

Heart Felt Feelings Worksheet: With crayons, draw a large heart on a piece of blank paper. Choose 4-6 emotions you would like to include, and assign a color to each feeling (i.e. red describes “angry”). Color the portion of your heart that you feel is being filled with that emotion. Do you parent your biological children differently than your adoptive children/children in care? How do the children handle the differences?

Explore

Watch Empowered-to-Connect video (“Should I Parent My Adopted child Differently than My Biological Children?”) https://vimeo.com/45008021 Session Notes

1. Every child needs to have a voice. 2. Every child needs to know the balance of structure and nurture. 3. Every child needs a nourishing relationship where they can thrive. 4. In every family there are changes in parenting over time. 5. Explain to biological children that you are helping adoptive children/children in care

catch up on the early nurture they missed. 6. Help biological children develop realistic expectations for adoption/foster care.

Apply

What stood out to you? What were your biological children’s expectations for adoption/foster care? How is reality different from those expectations? Do your biological children voice their emotions along this journey? How can you encourage the sibling bond and provide all your children with nurture and structure?



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Parenting Biological and Adoptive Children/Children in Care

Parent Outline

Session Notes Every child needs to have a . Every child needs to know the balance of and . Every child needs a nourishing relationship where they can . In every family there are in parenting over time. Explain to biological children that you are helping adoptive children/children in care catch up on the early nurture they missed. Help biological children develop realistic for adoption/foster care.


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Repairing Your Mistakes Facilitator Outline

Connect

What is one emotion that you experienced when interacting with your children this week? What is a mistake that you made with your children this week?

Explore

Watch Empowered-to-Connect video (“The Importance of Repairing Your Mistake”) https://vimeo.com/24300958 Session Notes

1. We ARE going to make mistakes.

2. Model asking for forgiveness.

3. Focus on reconnection.

4. Understand that ruptures occur and actually give us more potential for positive brain growth.

5. When we are focused on connection, God keeps us on a short tether in relationship to Him and to our children.

Apply

What stood out to you? How could you plan to go back and repair that mistake you mentioned earlier? What could come from this? How do you think your child will respond? Is there anyone else in life that you need to repair with?



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Repairing Your Mistakes Parent Outline

Session Notes

We ARE going to make . Model asking for . Focus on . Understand that ruptures occur and actually give us more potential for positive growth. When we are focused on , God keeps us on a short tether in relationship to Him and to our children.

Adoptive & Foster Parent Connect Group · department, 73.04% of adoptive parents stated that other...

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