Adjusting to Having a Child in College

Dr. Michele Yovanovich, Dean of Students

Dr. Andy Cinoman, Director, New Student Programs

Division of Student Affairs

Your role is important…

A healthy collegiate-parent relationship is positively linked to overall college adjustment,

including academic achievement

and affective health. - Diane Austin

The dynamic relationship between parent and college student…

Awareness of the transition is helpful.

Coaching. Communicating. Teaching problem solving.

Partnering is the best approach.

“It’s not only the children who grow. Parents do too.

As much as we watch what our children do with their

lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.

I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can

do is reach for it myself.”

Joyce Maynard

Separation and Change

• The separation process is a mutual one.

• How do you know if the separation has been successfully achieved?

Separation and Change

Successful separation is rooted in the ability to

develop an adult-to-adult relationship with your

child and to feel comfortable with

your changing role as a parent.

Diane Austin, 2001

Parents and Millennial Children

• This is the most “watched over” generation in history…and the most connected to their families.

• You have been involved in all aspects of their lives and have worked hard to ensure their success, and they are fine with this!

• They are used to sharing their ups and downs with you, and they will continue to do this – technology makes this VERY easy.

• This level of connection and involvement makes it all the more challenging to adjust to the transition…

Parents and Millennial Children

T M IToo much information!

It’s easy to be overwhelmed by what they tell you when you get that “world is falling apart” phone call.

How do you handle those anxious calls or texts??

Move over Millennials, Here’s Gen Z!

Millennials Generation Z More liberal More conservative More optimistic More realistic Service-oriented Social change-oriented Diversity is the norm Diversity is the norm Confident Confident “Me” Generation “We” Generation Tech savvy Tech reliant Facebook to connect You Tube to connect Pre-scheduled learning On demand/just in time learning Want to learn something? Want to learn something?

Google it You Tube it

Which set of characteristics are more like your child??

Concern Influence Control

The High School Parent

Concern Influence Control

The Collegiate Parent

Your Relationship WILL Change:

• You will have less direct involvement and influence in decision making, which can be very unsettling…

• Communication will be different – they won’t share everything…even though you might “talk” every day!

• They are in the driver’s seat – but they need your unconditional support!

An observation…

The fact of the matter is that parental involvement that may be beneficial for some students,

may actually be counterproductive for others.

Parents are probably best advised to think about how their interactions with their college-age children can encourage them

toward healthy student development.

An observation…

…think carefully about what’s best for your child’s development in the long run, to be a

source of support, and to resist the temptation to solve all of their problems for

them.

-Linda Sax, Associate Professor

Graduate School of Education and Information Studies, UCLA

Over-involvement…Parental over-involvement can rob a child of a

chance to develop resilience and self-confidence.

At this level, we see students who:…are very quick to give up.

…often place blame rather than accept responsibility.…are easily overwhelmed by the changes in their lives.

Fostering Resiliency

“If parents want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can

do is to teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by

mistakes, enjoy effort, and keep on learning. That way, their

children don’t have to be slaves of praise. They will have a lifelong

way to build and

repair their own confidence.” Carol S. Dweck

It’s a Three-Way Partnership!• You can normalize their experiences

• Help your child problem solve: take a step back, analyze situations, and come up with solutions

• Reinforce campus resources

• Let your child follow through on their own and learn from their experiences…good AND bad!

Enhancing Resiliency

• Remind them that they CAN do it!

• Call them out on their “victim speak” – help them think like a CREATOR of their own success…

• If at first you don’t succeed…

• Encourage them to seek out the advice and support of their peers: Resident Assistants, Orientation Leaders, Multicultural Ambassadors, PALs, Peer Advisors

Advice…

Moving from “Manager” to “Coach”Coach resiliency. Self-sufficiency.

Moving from “Provider” to “Partner”Level of involvement changes.

Stay connected without impeding development.

Some Resources for ParentsThe Happiest Kid on Campus: A Parent’s Guide to the Very Best

College Experience (for You and Your Child) by Harlan Cohen. Sourcebooks, Inc. 2010

Some Resources for Parents

Letting Go: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding the College YearsFifth edition, by Karen Levin Coburn. Harper Perennial, 2009

Some Resources for ParentsI’ll Miss You Too: A Parent and Student Guide to Opening Doors and

Staying Connected during the College Yearsby Margo E. Bane Woodacre, MSW, and Steffany Bane. Sourcebooks, Inc. 2006

Some Resources for Parents

Your Student’s First Year:

http://studentservices.fgcu.edu/NewStudentPrograms/your-students-first-year.html

There are two lasting bequests we can give our children…

Hodding Carter, Jr.

One is roots. The other is wings.