Adams, Douglas - HH2 - Restaurant at the End of the Universe, The

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DouglasAdams "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"



To Jane and James

with many thanks

to Geoffrey Perkins for achieving the m!roale

to Paddy #ingsland$ %isa &raun and Alick 'ale (unro forhel!ing him

to John %loyd for his hel! with the original (illiways scri!t

to )imon &rett for starting the whole thing off

to the Paul )imon alum *ne Trick Pony which !layedincessantly

while writing this ook+ ,ive years is far too long

And with very s!ecial thanks to Jac-ui Graham for infinite!atience$ kindness and food in adversity

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discoverse.actly what the Universe is for and why it is here$ it willinstantly disa!!ear and e re!laced y something evenmore i/arre and ine.!licale+

There is another theory which states that this has alreadyha!!ened+



0ha!ter 1

The story so far2

n the eginning the Universe was created+

This has made a lot of !eo!le very angry and een widely

regarded as a ad move+

(any races elieve that it was created y some sort ofGod$ though the Jatravartid !eo!le of 3iltvodle 3 elievethat the entire Universe was in fact snee/ed out of the noseof a eing called the Great Green Arklesei/ure+

The Jatravartids$ who live in !er!etual fear of the time theycall The 0oming of The Great 4hite 'andkerchief$ aresmall lue creatures with more than fifty arms each$ whoare therefore uni-ue in eing the only race in history tohave invented the aerosol deodorant efore the wheel+

'owever$ the Great Green Arklesei/ure Theory is notwidely acce!ted outside 3iltvodle 3 and so$ theUniverse eing the !u//ling !lace it is$ other e.!lanationsare constantly eing sought+

,or instance$ a race of hy!erintelligent !an5dimensionaleings once uilt themselves a gigantic su!ercom!utercalled Dee! Thought to calculate once and for all theAnswer to the Ultimate 6uestion of %ife$ the Universe$ andEverything+



,or seven and a half million years$ Dee! Thought com!utedand calculated$ and in the end announced that the answerwas in fact ,orty5two 5 and so another$ even igger$com!uter had to e uilt to find out what the actual

-uestion was+

And this com!uter$ which was called the Earth$ was so largethat it was fre-uently mistaken for a !lanet 5 es!eciallyy the strange a!e5like eings who roamed its surface$totally unaware that they were sim!ly !art of a giganticcom!uter !rogram+

And this is very odd$ ecause without that fairly sim!le andovious !iece of knowledge$ nothing that ever ha!!enedon the Earth could !ossily make the slightest it of sense+

)adly however$ 7ust efore the critical moment of readout$the Earth was une.!ectedly demolished y the 3ogons tomake way 5 so they claimed 5 for a new hy!ers!ace y!ass$and so all ho!e of discovering a meaning for life was lostfor ever+

*r so it would seem+

Two of there strange$ a!e5like creatures survived+

Arthur Dent esca!ed at the very last moment ecause an oldfriend of his$ ,ord Prefect$ suddenly turned out to efrom a small !lanet in the vicinity of &etelgeuse and notfrom Guildford as he had hitherto claimed8 and$ more tothe !oint$ he knew how to hitch rides on flying saucers+

Tricia (c(illian 5 or Trillian 5 had ski!!ed the !lanet si.months earlier with 9a!hod &eelero.$ the then Presidentof the Gala.y+

Two survivors+



They are all that remains of the greatest e.!eriment everconducted 5 to find the Ultimate 6uestion and the UltimateAnswer of %ife$ the Universe$ and Everything+

And$ less than half a million miles from where their starshi! isdrifting la/ily through the inky lackness of s!ace$ a 3ogonshi! is moving slowly towards them+

0ha!ter :

%ike all 3ogon shi!s it looked as if it had een not so muchdesigned as congealed+ The un!leasant yellow lum!s andedifices which !rotuded from it at unsightly angles would

have disfigured the looks of most shi!s$ ut in thiscase that was sadly im!ossile+ Uglier things have eens!otted in the skies$ ut not y reliale witnesses+

n fact to see anything much uglier than a 3ogon shi! youwould have to go inside and look at a 3ogon+ f you arewise$ however$ this is !recisely what you will avoid doing

ecause the average 3ogon will not think twice eforedoing something so !ointlessly hideous to you that you willwish you had never een orn 5 or ;if you are a clearerminded thinker< that the 3ogon had never een orn+



n fact$ the average 3ogon !roaly wouldn=t even thinkonce+ They are sim!le5minded$ thick5willed$ slug5rainedcreatures$ and thinking is not really something they are cutout for+ Anatomical analysis of the 3ogon reveals that its

rain was originally a adly deformed$ mis!laced anddys!e!tic liver+ The fairest thing you can say aout them$then$ is that they know what they like$ and what they likegenerally involves hurting !eo!le and$ wherever!ossile$ getting very angry+

*ne thing they don=t like is leaving a 7o unfinished 5!articularly this 3ogon$ and !articularly 5 for various

reasons 5 this 7o+

This 3ogon was 0a!tain Prostetnic 3ogon Jelt/ of theGalactic 'y!ers!ace Planning 0ouncil$ and he was it whohad had the 7o of demolishing the so5called "!lanet" Earth+

'e heaved his monumentally vile ody round in his ill5fitting$slimy seat and stared at the monitor screen on which thestarshi! 'eart of Gold was eing systematically scanned+

t mattered little to him that the 'eart of Gold$ with itsnfinite m!roaility Drive$ was the most eautifuland revolutionary shi! ever uilt+ Aesthetics andtechnology were closed ooks to him and$ had he hadhis way$ urnt and uried ooks as well+

t mattered even less to him that 9a!hod &eelero. was

aoard+ 9a!hod &eelero. was now the e.5President ofthe Gala.y$ and though every !olice force in the Gala.ywas currently !ursuing oth him and this shi! he hadstolen$ the 3ogon was not interested+

'e had other fish to fry+



t has een said that 3ogons are not aove a little riery andcorru!tion in the same way that the sea is not aove theclouds$ and this was certainly true in his case+ 4hen heheard the words "integrity" or "moral rectitude"$ he

reached for his dictionary$ and when he heard the chink ofready money in large -uantities he reached for the ruleook and threw it away+

n seeking so im!lacaly the destruction of the Earth and allthat therein lay he was moving somewhat aove andeyond the call of his !rofessional duty+ There was evensome dout as to whether the said y!ass was actually

going to e uilt$ ut the matter had een glossed over+

'e grunted a re!ellent grunt of satisfaction+

"0om!uter$" he croaked$ "get me my rain care s!ecialist onthe line+"

4ithin a few seconds the face of Gag 'alfrunt a!!eared onthe screen$ smiling the smile of a man who knew he was

ten light years away from the 3ogon face he was lookingat+ (i.ed u! somewhere in the smile was a glint of ironytoo+ Though the 3ogon !ersistently referred to him as"my !rivate rain care s!ecialist" there was not a lot ofrain to take care of$ and it was in fact 'alfrunt who wasem!loying the 3ogon+ 'e was !aying him an awful lot ofmoney to do some very dirty work+ As one of the Gala.y=smost !rominent and successful !sychiatrists$ he and a

consortium of his colleagues were -uite !re!ared tos!end an awful lot of money when it seemed that theentire future of !sychiatry might e at stake+

"4ell$" he said$ "hello my 0a!tain of 3ogons Prostetnic$ andhow are we feeling today>"

The 3ogon ca!tain told him that in the last few hours hehad wi!ed out nearly half his crew in a disci!linary

e.ercise+



'alfrunt=s smile did not flicker for an instant+

"4ell$" he said$ " think this is !erfectly normal ehaviour fora 3ogon$ you know> The natural and healthy channelling

of the aggressive instincts into acts of senseless violence+"

"That$" rumled the 3ogon$ "is what you always say+"

"4ell again$" said 'alfrunt$ " think that this is !erfectlynormal ehaviour for a !sychiatrist+ Good+ 4e are clearlyoth very well ad7usted in our mental attitudes today+ ?owtell me$ what news of the mission>"

"4e have located the shi!+"

"4onderful$" said 'alfrunt$ "wonderful@ and the occu!ants>"

"The Earthman is there+"

"E.cellent@ And +++>"

"A female from the same !lanet+ They are the last+"

"Good$ good$" eamed 'alfrunt$ "4ho else>"

"The man Prefect+"

"es>"

"And 9a!hod &eelero.+"

,or an instant 'alfrunt=s smile flickered+

"Ah yes$" he said$ " had een e.!ecting this+ t is mostregrettale+"

"A !ersonal friend>" in-uired the 3ogon$ who had heardthe e.!ression somewhere once and decided to try it out+

"Ah$ no$" said 'alfrunt$ "in my !rofession you know$ we donot make !ersonal friends+"



"Ah$" grunted the 3ogon$ "!rofessional detachment+"

"?o$" said 'alfrunt cheerfully$ "we 7ust don=t have the knack+"

'e !aused+ 'is mouth continued to smile$ ut his eyesfrowned slightly+

"&ut &eelero.$ you know$" he said$ "he is one of mymost !rofitale clients+ 'e had !ersonality !rolemseyond the dreams of analysts+"

'e toyed with this thought a little efore reluctantly dismissingit+

")till$" he said$ "you are ready for your task>"

"es+"

"Good+ Destroy the shi! immediately+"

"4hat aout &eelero.>"

"4ell$" said 'alfrunt rightly$ "9a!hod=s 7ust this guy$ youknow>"

'e vanished from the screen+

The 3ogon 0a!tain !ressed a communicator utton whichconnected him with the remains of his crew+

"Attack$" he said+

At that !recise moment 9a!hod &eelero. was in hiscain swearing very loudly+ Two hours ago$ he had saidthat they would go for a -uick ite at the Restaurant at theEnd of the Universe$ whereu!on he had had a la/ing rowwith the shi!=s com!uter and stormed off to his cainshouting that he would work out the m!roailityfactors with a !encil+



The 'eart of Gold=s m!roaility Drive made it the most!owerful and un!redictale shi! in e.istence+ Therewas nothing it couldn=t do$ !rovided you knew e.actly howim!roale it was that the thing you wanted it to do would

ever ha!!en+

'e had stolen it when$ as President$ he was meant to elaunching it+ 'e didn=t know e.actly why he had stolen it$e.ce!t that he liked it+

'e didn=t know why he had ecome President of the Gala.y$e.ce!t that it seemed a fun thing to e+

'e did know that there were etter reasons than these$ utthat they were uried in a dark$ locked off section of his tworains+ 'e wished the dark$ locked off section of his tworains would go away ecause they occasionallysurfaced momentarily and !ut strange thoughts into thelight$ fun sections of his mind and tried to deflect himfrom what he saw as eing the asic usiness of his life$which was to have a wonderfully good time+

At the moment he was not having a wonderfully good time+ 'ehad run out of !atience and !encils and was feeling veryhungry+

")tar!o.@" he shouted+

At that same !recise moment$ ,ord Prefect was in mid air+This was not ecause of anything wrong with the shi!=sartificial gravity field$ ut ecause he was lea!ing downthe stair5well which led to the shi!=s !ersonal cains+ twas a very high 7um! to do in one ound and he landedawkwardly$ stumled$ recovered$ raced down the corridorsending a cou!le of miniature service roots flying$skidded round the corner$ urst into 9a!hod=s door ande.!lained what was on his mind+

"3ogons$" he said+



A short while efore this$ Arthur Dent had set out from hiscain in search of a cu! of tea+ t was not a -uest heemarked u!on with a great deal of o!timism+$ ecause heknew that the only source of hot drinks on the entire shi!

was a enighted !iece of e-ui!ment !roduced y the )irius0yernetics 0or!oration+ t was called a ?utri5(aticDrinks )ynthesi/er$ and he had encountered it efore+

t claimed to !roduce the widest !ossile range of drinks!ersonally matched to the tastes and metaolism ofwhoever cared to use it+ 4hen !ut to the test$ however$ itinvarialy !roduced a !lastic cu! filled with a li-uid

that was almost$ ut nit -uite$ entirely unlike tea+

'e attem!ted to reason with the thing+

"Tea$" he said+

")hare and En7oy$" the machine re!lied and !rovided him withyet another cu! of the sickly li-uid+

'e threw it away+

")hare and en7oy$" the machine re!eated and !rovided himwith another one+

")hare and En7oy" is the com!any motto of the hugelysuccessful )irius 0yernetics 0or!oration 0om!laintsdivision$ which now covers the ma7or land masses of threemedium si/ed !lanets and is the only !art of the0or!oration to have shown a consistent !rofit in recentyears+

The motto stands 5 or rather stood 5 in three mile highilluminated letters near the 0om!laints De!artments!ace!ort on Eadra.+ Unfortunately its weight was suchthat shortly after it was erected$ the ground eneath theletters caved in and they dro!!ed for nearly half their length

through the offices of many talented young com!laintse.ecutives 5 now deceased+



The !rotruding u!!er halves of the letters now a!!ear$ inthe local language$ to read "Go stick your head in a !ig"$and are no longer illuminated$ e.ce!t at times of s!ecialceleration+

Arthur threw away a si.th cu! of the li-uid+

"%isten$ you machine$" he said$ "you claim you can synthesi/eany drink in e.istence$ so why do you kee! giving methe same undrinkale stuff>"

"?utrition and !leasurale sense data$" urled themachine+

")hare and En7oy+"

"t tastes filthy@"

"f you have en7oyed the e.!erience of this drink$" continuedthe machine$ "why not share it with your friends>"

"&ecause$" said Arthur tartly$ " want to kee! them+ 4ill you tryto com!rehend what =m telling you> That drink +++"

"That drink$" said the machine sweetly$ "was individuallytailored to meet your !ersonal re-uirements for nutritionand !leasure+"

"Ah$" said Arthur$ "so =m a masochist on diet am >"

")hare and En7oy+"

"*h shut u!+"

"4ill that e all>"

Arthur decided to give u!+

"es$" he said+

Then he decided he=d e dammed if he=d give u!+



"?o$" he said$ "look$ it=s very$ very sim!le +++ all want +++ is acu! of tea+ ou are going to make one for me+ #ee! -uietand listen+"

And he sat+ 'e told the ?utri5(atic aout ndia$ he told it aout0hina$ he told it aout 0eylon+ 'e told it aout roadleaves drying in the sun+ 'e told it aout silver tea!ots+ 'etold it aout summer afternoons on the lawn+ 'e told itaout !utting in the milk efore the tea so it wouldn=t getscalded+ 'e even told it ;riefly< aout the history of theEast ndia 0om!any+

")o that=s it$ is it>" said the ?utri5(atic when he had finished+

"es$" said Arthur$ "that is what want+"

"ou want the taste of dried leaves oiled in water>"

"Er$ yes+ 4ith milk+"

")-uirted out of a cow>"

"4ell$ in a manner of s!eaking su!!ose +++"

"=m going to need some hel! with this one$" said themachine tersely+ All the cheerful urling had dro!!ed outof its voice and it now meant usiness+

"4ell$ anything can do$" said Arthur+

"ou=ve done -uite enough$" the ?utri5(atic informed him+

t summoned u! the shi!=s com!uter+

"'i there@" said the shi!=s com!uter+

The ?utri5(atic e.!lained aout tea to the shi!=s com!uter+The com!uter oggled$ linked logic circuits with the ?utri5(atic and together they la!sed into a grim silence+



Arthur watched and waited for a while$ ut nothing furtherha!!ened+

'e thum!ed it$ ut still nothing ha!!ened+

Eventually he gave u! and wandered u! to the ridge+

n the em!ty wastes of s!ace$ the 'eart of Gold hung still+Around it la/ed the illion !in!ricks of the Gala.y+Towards it cre!t the ugly yellow lum! of the 3ogon shi!+

0ha!ter B

"Does anyone have a kettle>" Arthur asked as he walked on to

the ridge$ and instantly egan to wonder why Trillian wasyelling at the com!uter to talk to her$ ,ord was thum!ing itand 9a!hod was kicking it$ and also why there was anasty yellow lum! on the vision screen+

'e !ut down the em!ty cu! he was carrying and walkedover to them+

"'ello>" he said+

At that moment 9a!hod flung himself over to the !olishedmarle surfaces that contained the instruments thatcontrolled the conventional !hoton drive+ They materiali/edeneath his hands and he fli!!ed over to manual control+'e !ushed$ he !ulled$ he !ressed and he swore+ The!hoton drive gave a sickly 7udder and cut out again+

")omething u!>" said Arthur+



"'ey$ did7a hear that>" muttered 9a!hod as he lea!t now forthe manual controls of the nfinite m!roaility Drive$ "themonkey s!oke@"

The m!roaility Drive gave two small whines and then alsocut out+

"Pure history$ man$" said 9a!hod$ kicking the m!roailityDrive$ "a talking monkey@"

"f you=re u!set aout something +++" said Arthur+

"3ogons@" sna!!ed ,ord$ "we=re under attack@"

Arthur giered+

"4ell what are you doing> %et=s get out of here@"

"0an=t+ 0om!uter=s 7ammed+"

"Jammed>"

"t says all its circuits are occu!ied+ There=s no !oweranywhere in the shi!+"

,ord moved away from the com!uter terminal$ wi!ed a sleeveacross his forehead and slum!ed ack against the wall+

"?othing we can do$" he said+ 'e glared at nothing and ithis li!+

4hen Arthur had een a oy at school$ long efore the Earthhad een demolished$ he had used to !lay footall+ 'e hadnot een at all good at it$ and his !articular s!eciality hadeen scoring own goals in im!ortant matches+ 4heneverthis ha!!ened he used to e.!erience a !eculiar tinglinground the ack of his neck that would slowly cree! u!across his cheeks and heat his row+ The image of mudand grass and lots of little 7eering oys flinging it at him

suddenly came vividly to his mind at this moment+



A !eculiar tingling sensation at the ack of his neck wascree!ing u! across his cheeks and heating his row+

'e started to s!eak$ and sto!!ed+

'e started to s!eak again and sto!!ed again+

,inally he managed to s!eak+

"Er$" he said+ 'e cleared his throat+

"Tell me$" he continued$ and said it so nervously that theothers all turned to stare at him+ 'e glanced at the

a!!roaching yellow lo on the vision screen+

"Tell me$" he said again$ "did the com!uter say what wasoccu!ying it> 7ust ask out of interest +++"

Their eyes were riveted on him+

"And$ er +++ well that=s it really$ 7ust asking+"

9a!hod !ut out a hand and held Arthur y the scruff of theneck+

"4hat have you done to it$ (onkeyman>" he reathed+

"4ell$" said Arthur$ "nothing in fact+ t=s 7ust that think ashort while ago it was trying to work out how to +++"

"es>"

"(ake me some tea+"

"That=s right guys$" the com!uter sang out suddenly$ "7ustco!ing with that !rolem right now$ and wow$ it=s a iggy+&e with you in a while+" t la!sed ack into a silence thatwas only matched for sheer intensity y the silence of thethree !eo!le staring at Arthur Dent+



As if to relieve the tension$ the 3ogons chose that momentto start firing+

The shi! shook$ the shi! thundered+ *utside$ the inch

thick force5shield around it listered$ crackled and s!atunder the arrage of a do/en BC5(egahurt Definit5#ilPhotra/on 0annon$ and looked as if it wouldn=t e aroundfor long+ ,our minutes is how long ,ord Prefect gaveit+"Three minutes and fifty seconds$" he said a short whilelater+

",orty5five seconds$" he added at the a!!ro!riate time+ 'e

flicked idly at some useless switches$ then gave Arthuran unfriendly look+

"Dying for a cu! of tea$ eh>" he said+ "Three minutes andforty seconds+"

"4ill you sto! counting@" snarled 9a!hod+

"es$" said ,ord Prefect$ "in three minutes and thirty5five

seconds+"

Aoard the 3ogon shi!$ Prostetnic 3ogon Jelt/ was !u//led+'e had e.!ected a chase$ he had e.!ected an e.citinggra!!le with tractor eams$ he had e.!ected to have touse the s!ecially installed )u50yclic ?ormality Assert5i5Tron to counter the 'eart of Gold=s nfinite m!roailityDrive$ ut the )u50yclic ?ormality Assert5i5Tron lay idleas the 'eart of Gold 7ust sat there and took it+

A do/en BC5(egahurt Definit5#il Photra/on 0annoncontinued to la/e away at the 'eart of Gold$ and still it

7ust sat there and took it+

'e tested every sensor at his dis!osal to see if there wasany sutle trickery afoot$ ut no sutle trickery was to efound+

'e didn=t know aout the tea of course+



?or did he know e.actly how the occu!ants of the 'eart ofGold were s!ending the last three minutes and thirtyseconds of life they had left to s!end+

6uite how 9a!hod &eelero. arrived at the idea of holdinga seance at this !oint is something he was never -uite clearon+

*viously the su7ect of death was in the air$ ut more assomething to e avoided than har!ed u!on+

Possily the horror that 9a!hod e.!erienced at the !ros!ectof eing reunited with his deceased relatives led on to thethought that they might 7ust feel the same way aout himand$ what=s more$ e ale to do something aouthel!ing to !ost!one this reunion+

*r again it might 7ust have een one of the strange!rom!tings that occasionally surfaced from that dark areaof his mind that he had ine.!licaly locked off !rior toecoming President of the Gala.y+

"ou want to talk to your great grandfather>" oggled ,ord+

"eah+"

"Does it have to e now>"

The shi! continued to shake and thunder+ The tem!eraturewas rising+ The light was getting dimmer 5 all the

energy the com!uter didn=t re-uire for thinking aout teawas eing !um!ed into the ra!idly fading force5field+

"eah@" insisted 9a!hod+ "%isten ,ord$ think he may e aleto hel! us+"

"Are you sure you mean think> Pick your words with care+"

")uggest something else we can do+"



"Er$ well +++"

"*#$ round the central console+ ?ow+ 0ome on@ Trillian$(onkeyman$ move+"

They clustered round the central console in confusion$ satdown and$ feeling e.ce!tionally foolish$ held hands+ 4ithhis third hand 9a!hod turned off the lights+

Darkness gri!!ed the shi!+

*utside$ the thunderous roar of the Definit5#il cannoncontinued to ri! at the force5field+

"0oncentrate$" hissed 9a!hod$ "on his name+"

"4hat is it>" asked Arthur+

"9a!hod &eelero. the ,ourth+"

"4hat>"

"9a!hod &eelero. the ,ourth+ 0oncentrate@"

"The ,ourth>"

"eah+ %isten$ =m 9a!hod &eelero.$ my father was9a!hod

&eelero. the )econd$ my grandfather 9a!hod &eelero.the Third

+++"

"4hat>"

"There was an accident with a contrace!tive and a time

machine+



?ow concentrate@"

"Three minutes$" said ,ord Prefect+

"4hy$" said Arthur Dent$ "are we doing this>"

")hut u!$" suggested 9a!hod &eelero.+

Trillian said nothing+ 4hat$ she thought$ was there to say>

The only light on the ridge came from two dim red trianglesin a far corner where (arvin the Paranoid Android satslum!ed$ ignoring all and ignored y all$ in a !rivate

and rather un!leasant world of his own+

Round the central console four figures hunched in tightconcentration trying to lot from their minds theterrifying shuddering of the shi! and the fearful roar thatechoed through it+

They concentrated+

)till they concentrated+

And still they concentrated+

The seconds ticked y+

*n 9a!hod=s row stood eads of sweat$ first ofconcentration$ then of frustration and finally of

emarrassment+

At last he let out a cry of anger$ snatched ack his handsfrom Trillian and ,ord and staed at the light switch+

"Ah$ was eginning to think you=d never turn the lights on$"said a voice+ "?o$ not too right !lease$ my eyes aren=twhat they once were+"



,our figures 7olted u!right in their seats+ )lowly they turnedtheir heads to look$ though their scal!s showed adistinct !ro!ensity to try and stay in the same !lace+

"?ow+ 4ho disturs me at this time>" said the small$ ent$gaunt figure standing y the s!rays of fern at the far endof the ridge+ 'is two small wis!y5haired heads looked soancient that it seemed they might hold dim memoriesof the irth of the gala.ies themselves+ *ne lolled in slee!$ut the other s-uinted shar!ly at them+ f his eyes weren=twhat they once were$ they must once have een diamondcutters+

9a!hod stuttered nervously for a moment+ 'e gave theintricate little doule nod which is the traditional&etelgeusian gesture of familial res!ect+

"*h +++ er$ hi Great Granddad +++" he reathed+

The little old figure moved closer towards them+ 'e !eeredthrough the dim light+ 'e thrust out a ony finger at his

great grandson+

"Ah$" he sna!!ed+ "9a!hod &eelero.+ The last of our greatline+

9a!hod &eelero. the ?othingth+"

"The ,irst+"

"The ?othingth$" s!at the figure+ 9a!hod hated his voice+ talways seemed to him to screech like fingernails acrossthe lackoard of what he liked to think of as his soul+

'e shifted awkwardly in his seat+

"Er$ yeah$" he muttered$ "Er$ look$ =m really sorry aout theflowers$ meant to send them along$ ut you know$ the

sho! was fresh out of wreaths and +++"



"ou forget@" sna!!ed 9a!hod &eelero. the ,ourth+

"4ell +++"

"Too usy+ ?ever think of other !eo!le+ The living are all thesame+"

"Two minutes$ 9a!hod$" whis!ered ,ord in an awed whis!er+

9a!hod fidgeted nervously+

"eah$ ut did mean to send them$" he said+ "And =ll write to

my great grandmother as well$ 7ust as soon as we get out ofthis

+++"

"our great grandmother$" mused the gaunt little figure tohimself+

"eah$" said 9a!hod$ "Er$ how is she> Tell you what$ =ll goand see her+ &ut first we=ve 7ust got to +++"

"our late great grandmother and are very well$" ras!ed9a!hod &eelero. the ,ourth+

"Ah+ *h+"

"&ut very disa!!ointed in you$ young 9a!hod +++"

"eah well +++" 9a!hod felt strangely !owerless to take chargeof this conversation$ and ,ord=s heavy reathing at hisside told him that the seconds were ticking away fast+ Thenoise and the shaking had reached terrifying!ro!ortions+ 'e saw Trillian and Arthur=s faces white andunlinking in the gloom+

"Er$ Great Grandfather +++"



"4e=ve een following your !rogress with consideraledes!ondency

+++"

"eah$ look$ 7ust at the moment you see +++"

"?ot to say contem!t@"

"0ould you sort of listen for a moment +++"

" mean what e.actly are you doing with your life>"

"=m eing attacked y a 3ogon fleet@" cried 9a!hod+ t wasan e.aggeration$ ut it was his only o!!ortunity so far ofgetting the asic !oint of the e.ercise across+

"Doesn=t sur!rise me in the least$" said the little old figurewith a shrug+

"*nly it=s ha!!ening right now you see$" insisted 9a!hodfeverishly+

The s!ectral ancestor nodded$ !icked u! the cu! Arthur Denthad rought in and looked at it with interest+

"Er +++ Great Granddad +++"

"Did you know$" interru!ting the ghostly figure$ fi.ing9a!hod with a stern look$ "that &etelgeuse ,ive hasdevelo!ed a very slight eccentricy in its orit>"

9a!hod didn=t and found the information hard to concentrateon what with all the noise and the imminence of death andso on+

"Er$ no +++ look$" he said+



"(e s!inning in my grave@" arked the ancestor+ 'e slammedthe cu! down and !ointed a -uivering$ stick5like see5through finger at 9a!hod+

"our fault@" he screeched+

"*ne minute thirty$" muttered ,ord$ his head in his hands+

"eah$ look Great Granddad$ can you actually hel! ecause +++"

"'el!>" e.claimed the old man as if he=d een asked for astoat+

"eah$ hel!$ and like$ now$ ecause otherwise +++"

"'el!@" re!eated the old man as if he=d een asked for alightly grilled stoat in a un with ,rench fries+ 'e stoodama/ed+

"ou go swanning your way round the Gala.y with your +++"the ancestor waved a contem!tuous hand$ "with your

disre!utale friends$ too usy to !ut flowers on my grave$!lastic ones would have done$ would have een -uitea!!ro!riate from you$ ut no+ Too usy+ Too modern+ Toosce!tical 5 till you suddenly find yourself in a it of a fi.and come over suddenly all astrally5minded@"

'e shook his head 5 carefully$ so as not to distur theslumer of the other one$ which was already ecomingrestive+

"4ell$ don=t know$ young 9a!hod$" he continued$ " think =llhave to think aout this one+"

"*ne minute ten$" said ,ord hollowly+

9a!hod &eelero. the ,ourth !eered at him curiously+

"4hy does that man kee! talking in numers>" he said+



"Those numers$" said 9a!hod tersely$ "are the time we=vegot left to live+"

"*h$" said his great grandfather+ 'e grunted to himself+

"Doesn=t a!!ly to me$ of course$" he said and moved off toa dimmer recess of the ridge in search of something elseto !oke around at+

9a!hod felt he was teetering on the edge of madness andwondered if he shouldn=t 7ust 7um! over and have done withit+

"Great Grandfather$" he said$ "t a!!lies to us@ 4e are stillalive$ and we are aout to lose our lives+"

"Good 7o too+"

"4hat>"

"4hat use is your life to anyone> 4hen think of whatyou=ve made of it the !hrase !ig=s ear= comes irresistily to

my mind+"

"&ut was President of the Gala.y$ man@"

"'uh$" muttered his ancestor$ "And what kind of a 7o is thatfor a &eelero.>"

"'ey$ what> *nly President you know@ *f the whole Gala.y@"

"0onceited little mega!u!!y+"

9a!hod linked in ewilderment+

"'ey$ er$ what are you at$ man> mean Great Grandfather+"

The hunched u! little figure stalked u! to his great grandsonand ta!!ed him sternly on the knee+ This had the effect ofreminding 9a!hod that he was talking to a ghost ecause

he didn=t feel a thing+



"ou know and know what eing President means$ young9a!hod+ ou know ecause you=ve een it$ and knowecause =m dead and it gives one such a wonderfullyuncluttered !ers!ective+ 4e have a saying u! here+ %ife is

wasted on the living+="

"eah$" said 9a!hod itterly$ "very good+ 3ery dee!+ Right now need a!horisms like need holes in my heads+"

",ifty seconds$" grunted ,ord Prefect+

"4here was >" said 9a!hod &eelero. the ,ourth+

"Pontificating$" said 9a!hod &eelero.+

"*h yes+"

"0an this guy$" muttered ,ord -uietly to 9a!hod$ "actually infact hel! us>"

"?oody else can$" whis!ered 9a!hod+

,ord nodded des!ondently+

"9a!hod@" the ghost was saying$ "you ecame President ofthe Gala.y for a reason+ 'ave you forgotten>"

"0ould we go into this later>"

"'ave you forgotten@" insisted the ghost+

"eah@ *f course forgot@ had to forget+ They screen yourrain when you get the 7o you know+ f they=d found myhead full of tricksy ideas =d have een right out on thestreets again with nothing ut a fat !ension$ secretarialstaff$ a fleet of shi!s and a cou!le of slit throats+"

"Ah$" nodded the ghost in satisfaction$ "then you dorememer@"

'e !aused for a moment+



"Good$" he said and the noise sto!!ed+

",orty5eight seconds$" said ,ord+ 'e looked again at hiswatch and ta!!ed it+ 'e looked u!+

"'ey$ the noise has sto!!ed$" he said+

A mischievous twinkle gleamed in the ghost=s hard little eyes+

"=ve slowed down time for a moment$" he said$ "7ust for amoment you understand+ would hate you to miss all haveto say+"

"?o$ you listen to me$ you see5through old at$" said9a!hod lea!ing out of his chair$ "A 5 thanks for sto!!ingtime and all that$ great$ terrific$ wonderful$ ut & 5 nothanks for the homily$ right> don=t know what this greatthink =m meant to e doing is$ and it looks to me as if wassu!!osed not to know+ And resent that$ right>

"The old me knew+ The old me cared+ ,ine$ so far so hoo!y+

E.ce!t that the old me cared so much that he actually gotinside his own rain 5 my own rain 5 and locked off theits that knew and cared$ ecause if knew and cared wouldn=t e ale to do it+ wouldn=t e ale to go and ePresident$ and wouldn=t e ale to steal this shi!$ whichmust e the im!ortant thing+

"&ut this former self of mine killed himself off$ didn=t he$ ychanging my rain> *#$ that was his choice+ This new mehas its own choices to make$ and y a strange coincidencethose choices involve not knowing and not caringaout this ig numer$ whatever it is+ That=s what hewanted$ that=s what he got+

"E.ce!t this old self of mine tried to leave himself in control$leaving orders for me in the it of my rain he locked off+4ell$ don=t want to know$ and don=t want to hear them+

That=s my choice+ =m not going to e anyody=s !u!!et$!articularly not my own+"



9a!hod anged the console in fury$ olivious to thedumfolded looks he was attracting+

"The old me is dead@" he raved$ "#illed himself@ The dead

shouldn=t hang aout trying to interfere with the living@"

"And yet you summon me u! to hel! you out of a scra!e$" saidthe ghost+

"Ah$" said 9a!hod$ sitting down again$ "well that=s differentisn=t it>"

'e grinned at Trillian$ weakly+

"9a!hod$" ras!ed the a!!arition$ " think the only reason waste my reath on you is that eing dead don=t haveany other use for it+"

"*#$" said 9a!hod$ "why don=t you tell me what the ig secretis+

Try me+"

"9a!hod$ you knew when you were President of the Gala.y$ asdid ooden 3ran. efore you$ that the President is nothing+A ci!her+ )omewhere in the shadows ehind is anotherman$ eing$ something$ with ultimate !ower+ That man$ oreing$ or something$ you must find 5 the man who controlsthis Gala.y$ and 5 we sus!ect 5 others+ Possily theentire Universe+"

"4hy>"

"4hy>" e.claimed an astonished ghost$ "4hy> %ook aroundyou lad$ does it look to you as if it=s in very good hands>"

"t=s alright+"

The old ghost glowered at him+



" will not argue with you+ ou will sim!ly take this shi!$ thism!roaility Drive shi! to where it is needed+ ou will doit+ Don=t think you can esca!e your !ur!ose+ Them!roaility ,ield controls you$ you are in its gri!+ 4hat=s

this>"

'e was standing ta!!ing at one of the terminals of Eddiethe )hi!oard 0om!uter+ 9a!hod told him+

"4hat=s it doing>"

"t is trying$" said 9a!hod with wonderful restraint$ "to maketea+"

"Good$" said his great grandfather$ " a!!rove of that+ ?ow9a!hod$ "he said$ turning and wagging a finger at him$ "don=t know if you are really ca!ale of succeeding in your

7o+ think you will not e ale to avoid it+ 'owever$ amtoo long dead and too tired to care as much as did+ The!rinci!al reason am hel!ing you now is that couldn=tear the thought of you and your modern friends slouching

aout u! here+ Understood>"

"eah$ thanks a undle+"

"*h$ and 9a!hod>"

"Er$ yeah>"

"f you ever find you need hel! again$ you know$ if you=re in

troule$ need a hand out of a tight corner +++"

"eah>"

"Please don=t hesitate to get lost+"



4ithin the s!ace of one second$ a olt of light flashed fromthe wi/ened old ghost=s hands to the com!uter$ the ghostvanished$ the ridge filled with illowing smoke and the'eart of Gold lea!t an unknown distance through the

dimensions of time and s!ace+

0ha!ter

Ten light years away$ Gag 'alfrunt 7acked u! his smile yseveral notches+ As he watched the !icture on his visionscreen$ relayed across the su5ether from the ridge of the3ogon shi!$ he saw the final shreds of the 'eart of Gold=sforce5shield ri!!ed away$ and the shi! itself vanish in a !uff

of smoke+

Good$ he thought+

The end of the last stray survivors of the demolition he hadordered on the !lanet Earth$ he thought+

The final end of this dangerous ;to the !sychiatric!rofession< and suversive ;also to the !sychiatric

!rofession< e.!eriment to find the 6uestion to the Ultimate6uestion of %ife$ the Universe$ and Everything$ he thought+

There would e some celeration with his fellows tonight$ andin the morning they would meet again their unha!!y$ewildered and highly !rofitale !atients$ secure in theknowledge that the (eaning of %ife would not now e$once and for all$ well and truly sorted out$ he thought+



",amily=s always emarrassing isn=t it>" said ,ord to 9a!hodas the smoke egan to clear+

'e !aused$ then looked aout+

"4here=s 9a!hod>" he said+

Arthur and Trillian looked aout lankly+ They were !ale andshaken and didn=t know where 9a!hod was+

"(arvin>" said ,ord$ "4here=s 9a!hod>"

A moment later he said2

"4here=s (arvin>"

The root=s corner was em!ty+

The shi! was utterly silent+ t lay in thick lack s!ace+*ccasionally it rocked and swayed+ Every instrument wasdead$ every vision screen was dead+ They consulted thecom!uter+ t said2

" regret that have een tem!orarily closed to allcommunication+ (eanwhile$ here is some light music+"

They turned off the light music+

They searched every corner of the shi! in increasingewilderment and alarm+ Everywhere was dead and silent+

?owhere was there any trace of 9a!hod or of (arvin+

*ne of the last areas they checked was the small ay in whichthe ?utri5(atic machine was located+

*n the delivery !late of the ?utri5(atic Drink )ynthesi/er wasa small tray$ on which sat three one china cu!s andsaucers$ a one china 7ug of milk$ a silver tea!ot full ofthe est tea Arthur had ever tasted$ and a small !rinted

note saying "4ait"+



0ha!ter F

Ursa (inor &eta is$ some say$ one of the most a!!alling!laces in the known Universe+

Although it is e.cruciatingly rich$ horrifyingly sunny andmore full of wonderfully e.citing !eo!le than a!omegranate is of !i!s$ it can hardly e insignificant thatwhen a recent edition of Playeing maga/ine headlinedan article with the words "4hen you are tired of Ursa (inor&eta you are tired of life"$ the suicide rate -uadru!ledovernight+

?ot that there are any nights on Ursa (inor &eta+

t is a 4est 9one !lanet which y an ine.!licale andsomewhat sus!icious freak of to!ogra!hy consists almostentirely of su5tro!ical coastline+ &y an e-ually sus!iciousfreak of tem!oral relastatics$ it is nearly always )aturdayafternoon 7ust efore the each ars close+

?o ade-uate e.!lanation for this has een forthcoming from

the dominant lifeforms on Ursa (inor &eta$ who s!endmost of their time attem!ting to achieve s!iritualenlightenment y running round swimming !ools$ andinviting nvestigation *fficials form the Galactic Geo5Tem!oral 0ontrol &oard to "have a nice diurnal anomaly"+

There is only one city on Ursa (inor &eta$ and that is onlycalled a city ecause the swimming !ools are slightly

thicker on the ground there than elsewhere+



f you a!!roach %ight 0ity y air 5 and there is no other way ofa!!roaching it$ no roads$ no !ort facilities 5 if you don=t flythey don=t want to see you in %ight 0ity 5 you will see whyit has this name+ 'ere the sun shines rightest of all$

glittering on the swimming !ools$ shimmering on thewhite$ !alm5lined oulevards$ glistening on the healthyron/ed s!ecks moving u! and down them$ gleaming offthe villas$ the ha/y air!ads$ the each ars and so on+

(ost !articularly it shines on a uilding$ a tall eautifuluilding consisting of two thirty5storey white towersconnected y a ridge half5way u! their length+

The uilding is the home of a ook$ and was uilt here onthe !roceeds of an e.traordinary co!yright law suit foughtetween the ook=s editors and a reakfast cereal com!any+

The ook is a guide ook$ a travel ook+

t is one of the most remarkale$ certainly the mostsuccessful$ ooks ever to come out of the great

!ulishing cor!orations of Ursa (inor 5 more !o!ular than%ife &egins at ,ive 'undred and ,ifty$ etter selling thanThe &ig &ang Theory 5 A Personal 3iew y EccentricaGallumits ;the tri!le reasted whore of Eroticon )i.<and more controversial than *olon 0ollu!hid=s latestlockusting title Everything ou ?ever 4anted To #nowAout )e. &ut 'ave &een ,orced To ,ind *ut+

;And in many of the more rela.ed civili/ations on the *uterEastern Rim of the Gala.y$ it has long sur!lanted thegreat Encyclo!aedia Galactica as the standardre!ository of all knowledge and wisdom$ for though ithas many omissions and contains much that isa!ocry!hal$ or at least wildly inaccurate$ it scores overthe older and more !edestrian work in two im!ortantres!ects+ ,irst$ it is slightly chea!er$ and secondly it hasthe words Don=t Panic !rinted in large friendly letters on itscover+<



t is of course that invaluale com!anion for all those whowant to see the marvels of the known Universe for lessthan thirty Altairan Dollars a day 5 The 'itch 'iker=s Guideto the Gala.y+

f you stood with your ack to the main entrance loy ofthe Guide offices ;assuming you had landed y now andfreshened u! with a -uick di! and shower< and then walkedeast$ you would !ass along the leafy shade of %ife&oulevard$ e ama/ed y the !ale golden colour of theeaches stretching away to your left$ astounded y themind5surfers floating carelessly along two feet aove the

waves as if it was nothing s!ecial$ sur!rised andeventually slightly irritated y the giant !alm trees thathum toneless nothings throughout the daylight hours$ inother words continuously+

f you then walked to the end of %ife &oulevard you wouldenter

the %alamatine district of sho!s$ olonut trees and

!avement

cafes where the U(5&etans come to rela. after a hardafternoon=s

rela.ation on the each+ The %alamatine district is one ofthose

very few areas which doesn=t en7oy a !er!etual )aturdayafternoon

5 it en7oys instead the cool of a !er!etual early )aturdayevening+ &ehind it lie the night clus+



f$ on this !articular day$ afternoon$ stretch of eveningtime 5call it what you will 5 you had a!!roached the second!avement cafe on the right you would have seen the usualcrowd of U(5&etans chatting$ drinking$ looking very

rela.ed$ and casually glancing at each other=s watches tosee how e.!ensive they were+

ou would also have seen a cou!le of rather dishevelledlooking hitch5hikers from Algol who had recently arrivedon an Arcturan (egafreighter aoard which they had eenroughing it for a few days+ They were angry andewildered to discover that here$ within sight of the 'itch

'iker=s Guide uilding itself$ a sim!le glass of fruit 7uicecost the e-uivalent of over si.ty Altairan dollars+

")ell out$" one of them said$ itterly+

f at that moment you had then looked at the ne.t tale utone you would have seen 9a!hod &eelero. sitting andlooking very startled and confused+

The reason for his confusion was that five seconds earlier hehad een sitting on the ridge of the starshi! 'eart of Gold+

"Asolute sell out$" said the voice again+

9a!hod looked nervously out of the corners of his eyes at thetwo dishevelled hitch5hikers at the ne.t tale+ 4here thehell was he> 'ow had he got there> 4here was his shi!>'is hand felt the arm of the chair on which he wassitting$ and then the tale in front of him+ They seemedsolid enough+ 'e sat very still+

"'ow can they sit and write a guide for hitch5hikers in a !lacelike this>" continued the voice+ " mean look at it+ %ook atit@"

9a!hod was looking at it+ ?ice !lace$ he thought+ &ut where>

And why>



'e fished in his !ocket for his two !airs of sunglasses+ n thesame !ocket he felt a hard smooth$ unidentified lum! ofvery heavy metal+ 'e !ulled it out and looked at it+ 'elinked at it in sur!rise+ 4here had he got that> 'e

returned it to his !ocket and !ut on the sunglasses$annoyed to discover that the metal o7ect had scratchedone of the lenses+ ?evertheless$ he felt much morecomfortale with them on+ They were a doule !air of JooJanta :CC )u!er50hromatic Peril )ensitive )unglasses$which had een s!ecially designed to hel! !eo!ledevelo! a rela.ed attitude to danger+ At the first hint oftroule they turn totally lack and thus !revent you from

seeing anything that might alarm you+

A!art from the scratch the lenses were clear+ 'e rela.ed$ utonly a little it+

The angry hitch5hiker continued to glare at hismonstrously e.!ensive fruit 7uice+

"4orst thing that ever ha!!ened to the Guide$ moving to

Ursa (inor &eta$" he grumled$ "they=ve all gone soft+ ouknow$ =ve even heard that they=ve created a wholeelectronically synthesi/ed Universe in one of their officesso they can go and research stories during the day and stillgo to !arties in the evening+ ?ot that day and eveningmean much in this !lace+"

Ursa (inor &eta$ thought 9a!hod+ At least he knew where he

was now+ 'e assumed that this must e his greatgrandfather=s doing$ ut why>

(uch to his annoyance$ a thought !o!!ed into his mind+ twas very clear and very distinct$ and he had now come torecogni/e these thoughts for what they were+ 'is instinctwas to resist them+ They were the !re5ordained!rom!tings from the dark and locked off !arts of his mind+

'e sat still and ignored the thought furiously+ t nagged at him+



'e ignored it+ t nagged at him+ 'e ignored it+ t nagged at him+

'e gave in to it+

4hat the hell$ he thought$ go with the flow+ 'e was too tired$confused and hungry to resist+ 'e didn=t even knowwhat the thought meant+

0ha!ter

"'ello> es> (egadodo Pulications$ home of the 'itch'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y$ the most totally remarkaleook in the whole of the known Universe$ can hel! you>"said the large !ink5winged insect into one of the seventy!hones lined u! along the vast chrome e.!anse of therece!tion desk in the foyer of the 'itch 'iker=s Guide to theGala.y offices+ t fluttered its wings and rolled its eyes+ tglared at all the gruy !eo!le cluttering u! the foyer$soiling the car!ets and leaving dirty handmarks on theu!holstery+ t adored working for the 'itch 'iker=s Guideto the Gala.y$ it 7ust wished there was some way of kee!ingall the hitch5hikers away+ 4eren=t they meant to e

hanging round dirty s!ace!orts or something> t wascertain that it had read something somewhere in the ookaout the im!ortance of hanging round dirty s!ace!orts+Unfortunately most of them seemed to come and hangaround in this nice clean shiny foyer after hangingaround in e.tremely dirty s!ace!orts+ And all they ever didwas com!lain+ t shivered its wings+



"4hat>" it said into the !hone+ "es$ !assed on yourmessage to (r 9arniwoo!$ ut =m afraid he=s too cool tosee you right now+ 'e=s on an intergalactic cruise+"

t waved a !etulant tentacle at one of the gruy !eo!le whowas angrily trying to engage its attention+ The !etulanttentacle directed the angry !erson to look at the notice onthe wall to its left and not to interru!t an im!ortant !honecall+

"es$" said the insect$ "he is in his office$ ut he=s on anintergalactic cruise+ Thank you so much for calling+" t

slammed down the !hone+

"Read the notice$" it said to the angry man who was tryingto com!lain aout one of the more ludicrous anddangerous !ieces of misinformation contained in the ook+

The 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y is an indis!ensalecom!anion to all those who are keen to make sense of lifein an infinitely com!le. and confusing Universe$ for though

it cannot ho!e to e useful or informative on all matters$ itdoes at least make the reassuring claim$ that where it isinaccurate it is at least definitely inaccurate+ n cases ofma7or discre!ancy it=s always reality that=s got it wrong+

This was the gist of the notice+ t said "The Guide isdefinitive+ Reality is fre-uently inaccurate+"



This has led to some interesting conse-uences+ ,or instance$when the Editors of the Guide were sued y the families ofthose who had died as a result of taking the entry on the!lanet Traal literally ;it said "Ravenous &uglatter easts

often make a very good meal for visiting tourists" instead of"Ravenous &uglatter easts often make a very goodmeal of visiting tourists"< they claimed that the first versionof the sentence was the more aesthetically !leasing$summoned a -ualified !oet to testify under oath thateauty was truth$ truth eauty and ho!ed therey to !rovethat the guilty !arty was %ife itself for failing to e eithereautiful or true+ The 7udges concurred$ and in a moving

s!eech held that %ife itself was in contem!t of court$ andduly confiscated it from all those there !resent eforegoing off to en7oy a !leasant evening=s ultragolf+

9a!hod &eelero. entered the foyer+ 'e strode u! to theinsect rece!tionist+

"*#$" he said$ "4here=s 9arniwoo!> Get me 9arniwoo!+"

"E.cuse me$ sir>" said the insect icily+ t did not care to eaddressed in this manner+

"9arniwoo!+ Get him$ right> Get him now+"

"4ell$ sir$" sna!!ed the fragile little creature$ "if you could ea little cool aout it +++"

"%ook$" said 9a!hod$ "=m u! to here with cool$ *#> =m soama/ingly cool you could kee! a side of meat inside mefor a month+ am so hi! have difficulty seeing over my!elvis+ ?ow will you move efore you low it>"

"4ell$ if you=d let me e.!lain$ sir$" said the insect ta!!ing themost !etulant of all the tentacles at its dis!osal$ "=mafraid that isn=t !ossile right now as (r 9arniwoo! ison an intergalactic cruise+"

'ell$ thought 9a!hod+



"4hen he=s going to e ack>" he said+

"&ack sir> 'e=s in his office+"

9a!hod !aused while he tried to sort this !articular thoughtout in his mind+ 'e didn=t succeed+

"This cat=s on an intergalactic cruise +++ in his office>" 'eleaned forward and gri!!ed the ta!!ing tentacle+

"%isten$ three eyes$" he said$ "don=t you try to outweird me+ get stranger things than you free with my reakfast cereal+"

"4ell$ 7ust who do you think you are$ honey>" flounced theinsect -uivering its wings in rage$ "9a!hod &eelero. orsomething>"

"0ount the heads$" said 9a!hod in a low ras!+

The insect linked at him+ t linked at him again+

"ou are 9a!hod &eelero.>" it s-ueaked+

"eah$" said 9a!hod$ "ut don=t shout it out or they=ll all wantone+"

"The 9a!hod &eelero.>"

"?o$ 7ust a 9a!hod &eelero.$ didn=t you hear come insi. !acks>"

The insect rattled its tentacles together in agitation+

"&ut sir$" it s-uealed$ " 7ust heard on the su5ether radiore!ort+ t said that you were dead +++"

"eah$ that=s right$" said 9a!hod$ " 7ust haven=t sto!!edmoving yet+ ?ow+ 4here do find 9arniwoo!>"

"4ell$ sir$ his office is on the fifteenth floor$ ut +++"



"&ut he=s on an intergalactic cruise$ yeah$ yeah$ how do getto him+"

"The newly installed )irius 0yernetics 0or!oration

3ertical Peo!le Trans!orters are in the far corner sir+ &ut sir+++"

9a!hod was turning to go+ 'e turned ack+

"eah>" he said+

"0an ask you why you want to see (r 9arniwoo!>"

"eah$" said 9a!hod$ who was unclear on this !oint himself$" told myself had to+"

"0ome again sir>"

9a!hod leaned forward$ cons!irationally+

" 7ust materiali/ed out of thin air in one of your cafes$" hesaid$ "as a result of an argument with the ghost of mygreat grandfather+ ?o sooner had got there that my formerself$ the one that o!erated on my rain$ !o!!ed into myhead and said Go see 9arniwoo!=+ have never heard ofthe cat+ That is all know+ That and the fact that =ve gotto find the man who rules the Universe+"

'e winked+

"(r &eelero.$ sir$" said the insect in awed wonder$ "you=reso weird you should e in movies+"

"eah$" said 9a!hod !atting the thing on a glittering !inkwing$ "and you$ ay$ should e in real life+"

The insect !aused for a moment to recover from its agitationand then reached out a tentacle to answer a ringing !hone+

A metal hand restrained it+



"E.cuse me$" said the owner of the metal hand in a voicethat would have made an insect of a more sentimentaldis!osition colla!se in tears+

This was not such an insect$ and it couldn=t stand roots+

"es$ sir$" it sna!!ed$ "can hel! you>"

" dout it$" said (arvin+

"4ell in that case$ if you=ll 7ust e.cuse me +++" )i. of the!hones were now ringing+ A million things awaited theinsect=s attention+

"?o one can hel! me$" intoned (arvin+

"es$ sir$ well +++"

"?ot that anyone tried of course+" The restraining metalhand fell lim!ly y (arvin=s side+ 'is head hungforward very slightly+

"s that so$" said the insect tartly+

"'ardly worth anyone=s while to hel! a menial root is it>"

"=m sorry$ sir$ if +++"

" mean where=s the !ercentage in eing kind or hel!ful to aroot if it doesn=t have any gratitude circuits>"

"And you don=t have any>" said the insect$ who didn=t seem toe ale to drag itself out of this conversation+

"=ve never had occasion to find out$" (arvin informed it+

"%isten$ you miserale hea! of malad7usted metal +++"

"Aren=t you going to ask me what want>"



The insect !aused+ ts long thin tongue darted out and lickedits eyes and darted ack again+

"s it worth it>" it asked+

"s anything>" said (arvin immediately+

"4hat +++ do +++ you +++ want>"

"=m looking for someone+"

"4ho>" hissed the insect+

"9a!hod &eelero.$" said (arvin$ "he=s over there+"

The insect shook with rage+ t could hardly s!eak+

"Then why did you ask me>" it screamed+

" 7ust wanted something to talk to$" said (arvin+

"4hat@"

"Pathetic isn=t it>"

4ith a grinding of gears (arvin turned and trundled off+ 'ecaught u! with 9a!hod a!!roaching the elevators+9a!hod s!an round in astonishment+

"'ey +++ (arvin@" he said$ "(arvin@ 'ow did you get here>"

(arvin was forced to say something which came very hard tohim+

" don=t know$" he said+

"&ut +++"

"*ne moment was sitting in your shi! feeling veryde!ressed$ and the ne.t moment was standing herefeeling utterly miserale+ An m!roaility ,ield e.!ect+"



"eah$" said 9a!hod$ " e.!ect my great grandfather sentyou along to kee! me com!any+"

"Thanks a undle grandad$" he added to himself under his

reath+

")o$ how are you>" he said aloud+

"*h$ fine$" said (arvin$ "if you ha!!en to like eing mewhich !ersonally don=t+"

"eah$ yeah$" said 9a!hod as the elevator doors o!ened+

"'ello$" said the elevator sweetly$ " am to e your elevator forthis tri! to the floor of your choice+ have een designedy the )irius 0yernetics 0or!oration to take you$ thevisitor to the 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y$ into thesetheir offices+ f you en7oy your ride$ which will e swift and!leasurale$ then you may care to e.!erience some of theother elevators which have recently een installed in theoffices of the Galactic ta. de!artment$ &ooiloo &ay

,oods and the )irian )tate (ental 'os!ital$ where manye.5)irius 0yernetics 0or!oration e.ecutives will edelighted to welcome your visits$ sym!athy$ and ha!!ytales of the outside world+"

"eah$" said 9a!hod$ ste!!ing into it$ "what else do you doesides talk>"

" go u!$" said the elevator$ "or down+"

"Good$" said 9a!hod$ "4e=re going u!+"

"*r down$" the elevator reminded him+

"eah$ *#$ u! !lease+"

There was a moment of silence+

"Down=s very nice$" suggested the elevator ho!efully+



"*h yeah>"

")u!er+"

"Good$" said 9a!hod$ "?ow will you take us u!>"

"(ay ask you$" in-uired the elevator in its sweetest$ mostreasonale voice$ "if you=ve considered all the!ossiilities that down might offer you>"

9a!hod knocked one of his heads against the inside wall+'e didn=t need this$ he thought to himself$ this of allthings he had no need of+ 'e hadn=t asked to e here+ f hewas asked at this moment where he would like to e hewould !roaly have said he would like to e lying on theeach with at least fifty eautiful women and a smallteam of e.!erts working out new ways they could e nice tohim$ which was his usual re!ly+ To this he would !roalyhave added something !assionate on the su7ect of food+

*ne thing he didn=t want to e doing was chasing after the

man who ruled the Universe$ who was only doing a 7owhich he might as well kee! at$ ecause if it wasn=t him itwould only e someone else+ (ost of all he didn=t wantto e standing in an office lock arguing with an elevator+

"%ike what other !ossiilities>" he asked wearily+

"4ell$" the voice trickled on like honey on iscuits$ "there=sthe asement$ the microfiles$ the heating system +++ er +++"

t !aused+

"?othing !articularly e.citing$" it admitted$ "ut they arealternatives+"

"'oly 9ar-uon$" muttered 9a!hod$ "did ask for ane.istentialist elevator>" he eat his fists against the wall+

"4hat=s the matter with the thing>" he s!at+



"t doesn=t want to go u!$" said (arvin sim!ly$ " think it=safraid+"

"Afraid>" cried 9a!hod$ "*f what> 'eights> An elevator

that=s afraid of heights>"

"?o$" said the elevator miseraly$ "of the future +++"

"The future>" e.claimed 9a!hod$ "4hat does the wretchedthing want$ a !ension scheme>"

At that moment a commotion roke out in the rece!tion hallehind them+ ,rom the walls around them came thesound of suddenly active machinery+

"4e can all see into the future$" whis!ered the elevator inwhat sounded like terror$ "it=s !art of our !rogramming+"

9a!hod looked out of the elevator 5 an agitated crowd hadgathered round the elevator area$ !ointing and shouting+

Every elevator in the uilding was coming down$ very fast+

'e ducked ack in+

"(arvin$" he said$ "7ust get this elevator go u! will you>4e=ve got to get to 9arniwoo!+"

"4hy>" asked (arvin dolefully+

" don=t know$" said 9a!hod$ "ut when find him$ he=detter have a very good reason for me wanting to see him+"

(odern elevators are strange and com!le. entities+ Theancient electric winch and "ma.imum5ca!acity5eight5!ersons" 7os ear as much relation to a )irius 0yernetics0or!oration 'a!!y 3ertical Peo!le Trans!orter as a!acket of mi.ed nuts does to the entire west wing of the)irian )tate (ental 'os!ital+



This is ecause they o!erate on the curios !rinci!le of"defocused tem!oral !erce!tion"+ n other words theyhave the ca!acity to see dimly into the immediate future$which enales the elevator to e on the right floor to !ick

you u! even efore you knew you wanted it$ thuseliminating all the tedious chatting$ rela.ing$ andmaking friends that !eo!le were !reviously forced to dowhist waiting for elevators+

?ot unnaturally$ many elevators imued with intelligenceand !recognition ecame terrily frustrated with themindless usiness of going u! and down$ u! and down$

e.!erimented riefly with the notion of going sideways$as a sort of e.istential !rotest$ demanded !artici!ation inthe decision5making !rocess and finally took to s-uattingin asements sulking+

An im!overished hitch5hiker visiting any !lanets in the)irius star system these days can !ick u! easy moneyworking as a counsellor for neurotic elevators+

At the fifteenth floor the elevator doors o!ened -uickly+

",ifteenth$" said the elevator$ "and rememer$ =m onlydoing this ecause like your root+"

9a!hod and (arvin undled out of the elevator whichinstantly sna!!ed its doors shut and dro!!ed as fast as itsmechanism would take it+

9a!hod looked around warily+ The corridor was deserted andsilent and gave no clue as to where 9arniwoo! might efound+ All the doors that led off the corridor were closedand unmarked+



They were standing close to the ridge which led across fromone tower of the uilding to the other+ Through a largewindow the rilliant sun of Ursa (inor &eta threw locks oflight in which danced small s!ecks of dust+ A shadow

flitted !ast momentarily+

"%eft in the lurch y a lift$" muttered 9a!hod$ who was feelingat his least 7aunty+

They oth stood and looked in oth directions+

"ou know something>" said 9a!hod to (arvin+

"(ore that you can !ossily imagine+"

"=m dead certain this uilding shouldn=t e shaking$"9a!hod said+

t was 7ust a light tremor through the soles of his feet 5 andanother one+ n the suneams the flecks of dust dancedmore vigorously+ Another shadow flitted !ast+

9a!hod looked at the floor+

"Either$" he said$ not very confidently$ "they=ve got some virosystem for toning u! your muscles while you work$ or +++"

'e walked across to the window and suddenly stumledecause at that moment his Joo Janta :CC )u!er50hromatic Peril )ensitive sunglasses had turned utterly

lack+ A large shadow flitted !ast the window with a shar!u//+

9a!hod ri!!ed off his sunglasses$ and as he did so theuilding shook with a thunderous roar+ 'e lea!t to thewindow+

"*r$" he said$ "this uilding=s eing omed@"

Another roar cracked through the uilding+



"4ho in the Gala.y would want to om a !ulishingcom!any>" asked 9a!hod$ ut never heard (arvin=sre!ly ecause at that moment the uilding shook withanother om attack+ 'e tried to stagger ack to the

elevator 5 a !ointless manoeuvre he reali/ed$ ut the onlyone he could think of+

)uddenly$ at the end of the corridor leading at right anglesfrom this one$ he caught sight of a figure as it lunged intoview$ a man+ The man saw him+

"&eelero.$ over here@" he shouted+

9a!hod eyed him with distrust as another om last rockedthe uilding+

"?o$" called 9a!hod$ "&eelero. over here@ 4ho are you>"

"A friend@" shouted ack the man+ 'e ran towards 9a!hod+

"*h yeah>" said 9a!hod$ "Anyone=s friend in !articular$ or

7ust generally well dis!osed of !eo!le>"

The man raced along the corridor$ the floor ucking eneathhis feet like an e.cited lanket+ 'e was short$ stockyand weathereaten and his clothes looked as if they=deen twice round the Gala.y and ack with him in them+

"Do you know$" 9a!hod shouted in his ear when he arrived$"your uilding=s eing omed>"

The man indicated his awareness+

t suddenly sto!!ed eing light+ Glancing round at the windowto see why$ 9a!hod ga!ed as a huge sluglike$gunmetal5green s!acecraft cre!t through the air !ast theuilding+ Two more followed it+



"The government you deserted is out to get you$ 9a!hod$"hissed the man$ "they=ve sent a s-uadron of ,rogstar,ighters+"

",rogstar ,ighters@" muttered 9a!hod$ "9ar-uon@"

"ou get the !icture>"

"4hat are ,rogstar ,ighters>" 9a!hod was sure he=d heardsomeone talk aout them when he was President$ ut henever !aid much attention to official matters+

The man was !ulling him ack through a door+ 'e went withhim+ 4ith a searing whine a small lack s!ider5likeo7ect shot through the air and disa!!eared down thecorridor+

"4hat was that>" hissed 9a!hod+

",rogstar )cout root class A out looking for you$" said theman+

"'ey yeah>"

"Get down@"

,rom the o!!osite direction came a larger lack s!ider5likeo7ect+ t /a!!ed !ast them+

"And that was +++>"

"A ,rogstar )cout root class & out looking for you+"

"And that>" said 9a!hod$ as a third one seared through theair+

"A ,rogstar )cout root class 0 out looking for you+"

"'ey$" chuckled 9a!hod to himself$ "!retty stu!id roots eh>"



,rom over the ridge came a massive rumling hum+ Agigantic lack sha!e was moving over it from the o!!ositetower$ the si/e and sha!e of a tank+

"'oly !hoton$ what=s that>"

"A tank$" said the man$ ",rogstar )cout root class D come toget you+"

")hould we leave>"

" think we should+"

"(arvin@" called 9a!hod+

"4hat do you want>"

(arvin rose from a !ile of rule further down the corridorand looked at them+

"ou see that root coming towards us>"

(arvin looked at the gigantic lack sha!e edging forwardtowards them over the ridge+ 'e looked down at his ownsmall metal ody+ 'e looked ack u! at the tank+

" su!!ose you want me to sto! it$" he said+

"eah+"

"4hilst you save your skins+"

"eah$" said 9a!hod$ "get in there@"

"Just so long$" said (arvin$ "as know where stand+"

The man tugged at 9a!hod=s arm$ and 9a!hod followed himoff down the corridor+

A !oint occurred to him aout this+



"4here are we going>" he said+

"9arniwoo!=s office+"

"s this any time to kee! an a!!ointment>"

"0ome on+"

0ha!ter H

(arvin stood at the end of the ridge corridor+ 'e was not infact a !articularly small root+ 'is silver ody gleamed inthe dusty suneams and shook with the continual arragewhich the uilding was still undergoing+

'e did$ however$ look !itifully small as the gigantic lack tankrolled to a halt in front of him+ The tank e.amined himwith a !roe+ The !roe withdrew+

(arvin stood there+

"*ut of my way little root$" growled the tank+

"=m afraid$" said (arvin$ "that =ve een left here to sto!you+"

The !roe e.tended again for a -uick recheck+ t withdrewagain+

"ou> )to! me>" roared the tank+ "Go on@"

"?o$ really have$" said (arvin sim!ly+



"4hat are you armed with>" roared the tank in diselief+

"Guess$" said (arvin+

The tank=s engines rumled$ its gears ground+ (olecule5si/ed electronic relays dee! in its micro5rain fli!!edackwards and forwards in consternation+

"Guess>" said the tank+

9a!hod and the as yet unnamed man lurched u! one corridor$down a second and along a third+ The uildingcontinued to rock and 7udder and this !u//led 9a!hod+ fthey wanted to low the uilding u!$ why was it taking solong>

4ith difficulty they reached one of a numer of totallyanonymous unmarked doors and heaved at it+ 4ith asudden 7olt it o!ened and they fell inside+

All this way$ thought 9a!hod$ all this troule$ all this not5

lying5on5the5each5having5a5wonderful5time$ and forwhat> A single chair$ a single desk and a single dirtyashtray in an undecorated office+ The desk$ a!art from ait of dancing dust and single$ revolutionary form of !a!ercli!$ was em!ty+

"4here$" said 9a!hod$ "is 9arniwoo!>" feeling that hisalready tenuous gras! of the !oint of this whole e.ercisewas eginning to sli!+

"'e=s on an intergalactic cruise$" said the man+

9a!hod tried to si/e the man u!+ Earnest ty!e$ he thought$ nota arrel of laughs+ 'e !roaly a!!ortioned a fair whackof his time to running u! and down heaving corridors$reaking down doors and making cry!tic remarks in em!tyoffices+



"%et me introduce myself$" the man said$ "(y name is Roosta$and this is my towel+"

"'ello Roosta$" said 9a!hod+

"'ello$ towel$" he added as Roosta held out to him a rathernasty old flowery towel+ ?ot knowing what to do with it$ heshook it y the corner+

*utside the window$ one of the huge slug5like$ gunmetal5green s!aceshi!s growled !ast+

"es$ go on$" said (arvin to the huge attle machine$ "you=llnever guess+"

"Errmmm +++" said the machine$ virating withunaccustomed thought$ "laser eams>"

(arvin shook his head solemnly+

"?o$" muttered the machine in its dee! guttural rumle$

"Too ovious+ Anti5matter ray>" it ha/arded+

",ar too ovious$" admonished (arvin+

"es$" grumled the machine$ somewhat aashed$ "Er +++ howaout an electron ram>"

This was new to (arvin+

"4hat=s that>" he said+

"*ne of these$" said the machine with enthusiasm+

,rom its turret emerged a shar! !rong which s!at a singlelethal la/e of light+ &ehind (arvin a wall roared andcolla!sed as a hea! of dust+ The dust illowed riefly$ thensettled+

"?o$" said (arvin$ "not one of those+"



"Good though$ isn=t it>"

"3ery good$" agreed (arvin+

" know$" said the ,rogstar attle machine$ after another

moment=s consideration$ "you must have one of those newIanthic

Re5)tructron Destaili/ed 9enon Emitters@"

"?ice$ aren=t they>" said (arvin+

"That=s what you=ve got>" said the machine in consideraleawe+

"?o$" said (arvin+

"*h$" said the machine$ disa!!ointed$ "then it must e +++"

"ou=re thinking along the wrong lines$" said (arvin$"ou=re failing to take into account something fairlyasic in the relationshi! etween men and roots+"

"Er$ know$" said the attle machine$ "is it +++" it tailed off intothought again+

"Just think$" urged (arvin$ "they left me$ an ordinary$ menialroot$ to sto! you$ a gigantic heavy5duty attle machine$whilst they ran off to save themselves+ 4hat do you thinkthey would leave me with>"

"*ooh$ er$" muttered the machine in alarm$ "something !rettydamn devastating should e.!ect+"

"E.!ect@" said (arvin$ "oh yes$ e.!ect+ =ll tell you what they

gave me to !rotect myself with shall "



"es$ alright$" said the attle machine$ racing itself+

"?othing$" said (arvin+

There was a dangerous !ause+

"?othing>" roared the attle machine+

"?othing at all$" intoned (arvin dismally$ "not an electronicsausage+"

The machine heaved aout with fury+

"4ell$ doesn=t that 7ust take the iscuit@" it roared$ "?othing$eh> Just don=t think$ do they>"

"And me$" said (arvin in a soft low voice$ "with this terrile!ain in all the diodes down my left side+"

"(akes you s!it$ doesn=t it>"

"es$" agreed (arvin with feeling+

"'ell that makes me angry$" ellowed the machine$ "think =llsmash that wall down@"

The electron ram staed out another searing la/e of lightand took out the wall ne.t to the machine+

"'ow do you think feel>" said (arvin itterly+

"Just ran off and left you$ did they>" the machine thundered+

"es$" said (arvin+

" think =ll shoot down their loody ceiling as well@" raged thetank+

t took out the ceiling of the ridge+

"That=s very im!ressive$" murmured (arvin+



"ou ain=t seeing nothing yet$" !romised the machine$ " cantake out this floor too$ no troule@"

t took out the floor$ too+

"'ell=s ells@" the machine roared as it !lummeted fifteenstoreys and smashed itself to its on the ground elow+

"4hat a de!ressingly stu!id machine$" said (arvin andtrudged away+

0ha!ter K

")o$ do we 7ust sit here$ or what>" said 9a!hod angrily$ "what

do these guys out here want>"

"ou$ &eelero.$" said Roosta$ "they=re going to take you tothe ,rogstar 5 the most totally evil world in the Gala.y+"

"*h$ yeah>" said 9a!hod+ "They=ll have to come and get mefirst+"

"They have come and got you$" said Roosta$ "look out ofthe window+"

9a!hod looked$ and ga!ed+

"The ground=s going away@" he gas!ed$ "where are they takingthe ground>"

"They=re taking the uilding$" said Roosta$ "we=re airorne+"

0louds streaked !ast the office window+



*ut in the o!en air again 9a!hod could see the ring of darkgreen ,rogstar ,ighters round the u!rooted tower of theuilding+ A network of force eams radiated in from themand held the tower in a firm gri!+

9a!hod shook his head in !er!le.ity+

"4hat have done to deserve this>" he said$ " walk into auilding$ they take it away+"

"t=s not what you=ve done they=re worried aout$" saidRoosta$ "it=s what you=re going to do+"

"4ell don=t get a say in that>"

"ou did$ years ago+ ou=d etter hold on$ we=re in for a fastand um!y 7ourney+"

"f ever meet myself$" said 9a!hod$ "=ll hit myself so hard won=t know what=s hit me+"

(arvin trudged in through the door$ looked at 9a!hodaccusingly$ slum!ed in a corner and switched himself off+

*n the ridge of the 'eart of Gold$ all was silent+ Arthur staredat the rack in front of him and thought+ 'e caughtTrillian=s eyes as she looked at him in-uiringly+ 'e lookedack at the rack+

,inally he saw it+

'e !icked u! five small !lastic s-uares and laid them onthe oard that lay 7ust in front of the rack+

The five s-uares had on them the five letters E$ I$ 6$ U and +

'e laid them ne.t to the letters )$ $ T$ E+

"E.-uisite$" he said$ "on a tri!le word score+ )cores rather a

lot =m afraid+"



The shi! um!ed and scattered some of the letters for the=n=th time+

Trillian sighed and started to sort them out again+

U! and down the silent corridors echoed ,ord Prefect=s feet ashe stalked the shi! thum!ing dead instruments+

4hy did the shi! kee! shaking> he thought+

4hy did it rock and sway>

4hy could he not find out where they were>

4here$ asically$ were they>

The left5hand tower of the 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.yoffices streaked through interstellar s!ace at a s!eednever e-ualled either efore or since y any other officelock in the Universe+

n a room halfway u! it$ 9a!hod &eelero. strode angrily+

Roosta sat on the edge of the desk doing some routinetowel maintenance+

"'ey$ where did you say this uilding was flying to>"demanded 9a!hod+

"The ,rogstar$" said Roosta$ "the most totally evil !lace in the

Universe+"

"Do they have food there>" said 9a!hod+

",ood> ou=re going to the ,rogstar and you=re worriedaout whether they got food>"

"4ithout food may not make it to the ,rogstar+"



*ut of the window$ they could see nothing ut the flickeringlight of the force eams$ and vague green streaks whichwere !resumaly the distorted sha!es of the ,rogstar,ighters+ At this s!eed$ s!ace itself was invisile$ and

indeed unreal+

"'ere$ suck this$" said Roosta$ offering 9a!hod his towel+

9a!hod stared at him as if he e.!ected a cuckoo to lea! outof his forehead on a small s!ring+

"t=s soaked in nutrients$" e.!lained Roosta+

"4hat are you$ a messy eater or something>" said 9a!hod+

"The yellow stri!es are high in !rotein$ the green ones havevitamin & and 0 com!le.es$ the little !ink flowerscontain wheatgerm e.tracts+"

9a!hod took and looked at it in ama/ement+

"4hat are the rown stains>" he asked+

"&ar5&56 sauce$" said Roosta$ "for when get sick ofwheatgerm+"

9a!hod sniffed it doutfully+

Even more doutfully$ he sucked a corner+ 'e s!at it out again+

"Ugh$" he stated+

"es$" said Roosta$ "when =ve had to suck that end usuallyneed to suck the other end a it too+"

"4hy$" asked 9a!hod sus!iciously$ "what=s in that>"

"Anti5de!ressants$" said Roosta+

"=ve gone right off this towel$ you know$" said 9a!hodhanding it ack+



Roosta took it ack from him$ swung himself off the desk$walked round it$ sat in the chair and !ut his feet u!+

"&eelero.$" he said$ sticking his hands ehind his head$

"have you any idea what=s going to ha!!en to you on the,rogstar>"

"They=re going to feed me>" ha/arded 9a!hod ho!efully+

"They=re going to feed you$" said Roosta$ "into the TotalPers!ective 3orte.@"

9a!hod had never heard of this+ 'e elieved that he had heardof all the fun things in the Gala.y$ so he assumed that theTotal Pers!ective 3orte. was not fun+ 'e asked what it was+

"*nly$" said Roosta$ "the most savage !sychic torture asentinent eing can undergo+"

9a!hod nodded a resigned nod+

")o$" he said$ "no food$ huh>"

"%isten@" said Roosta urgently$ "you can kill a man$ destroyhis ody$ reak his s!irit$ ut only the Total Pers!ective3orte. can annihilate a man=s soul@ The treatment lastsseconds$ ut the effect lasts the rest of your life@"

"ou ever had a Pan Galactic Gargle &laster>" asked9a!hod shar!ly+

"This is worse+"

"Phreeow@" admitted 9a!hod$ much im!ressed+

"Any idea why these guys might want to do this to me>" headded a moment later+

"They elieve it will e the est way of destroying you for ever+

They know what you=re after+"



"0ould they dro! me a note and let me know as well>"

"ou know$" said Roosta$ "you know$ &eelero.+ ou want tomeet the man who rules the Universe+"

"0an he cook>" said 9a!hod+ *n reflection he added2

" dout if he can+ f he could cook a good meal he wouldn=tworry aout the rest of the Universe+ want to meet acook+"

Roosta sighed heavily+

"4hat are you doing here anyway>" demanded 9a!hod$"what=s all this got to so with you>"

"=m 7ust one of those who !lanned this thing$ along with9arniwoo!$ along with ooden 3ran.$ along with yourgreat grandfather$ along with you$ &eelero.+"

"(e>"

"es$ you+ was told you had changed$ didn=t reali/e howmuch+"

"&ut +++"

" am here to do one 7o+ will do it efore leave you+"

"4hat 7o$ man$ what are you talking aout>"

" will do it efore leave you+"

Roosta la!sed into an im!enetrale silence+

9a!hod was terrily glad+



0ha!ter L

The air around the second !lanet of the ,rogstar system wasstale and unwholesome+

The dank winds that swe!t continually over its surface swe!tover salt flats$ dried u! marshland$ tangled and rottingvegetation and the crumling remains of ruined cities+ ?olife moved across its surface+ The ground$ like that ofmany !lanets in this !art of the Gala.y$ had long eendeserted+

The howl of the wind was desolate enough as it gustedthrough the old decaying houses of the cities8 it wasmore desolate as it whi!!ed aout the ottoms of the talllack towers that swayed uneasily here and there aoutthe surface of this world+ At the to! of these towers lived

colonies of large$ scraggy$ evil smelling irds$ the solesurvivors of the civili/ation that once lived here+

The howl of the wind was at its most desolate$ however$ whenit !assed over a !im!le of a !lace set in the middle of awide grey !lain on the outskirts of the largest of theaandoned cities+

This !im!le of a !lace was the thing that had earned thisworld the re!utation of eing the most totally evil !lacein the Gala.y+ ,rom without it was sim!ly a steel domeaout thirty feet across+ ,rom within it was something moremonstrous than the mind can com!rehend+



Aout a hundred yards or so away$ and se!arated from it ya !ockmarked and lasted stretch of the most arren landimaginale was what would !roaly have to e descriedas a landing !ad of sorts+ That is to say that scattered over

a largish area were the ungainly hulks of two or three do/encrash5landed uildings+

,litting over and around these uildings was a mind$ a mindthat was waiting for something+

The mind directed its attention into the air$ and efore verylong a distant s!eck a!!eared$ surrounded y a ring of

smaller s!ecks+

The larger s!eck was the left5hand tower of the 'itch 'iker=sGuide to the Gala.y office uilding$ descending throughthe stratos!here of ,rogstar 4orld &+

As it descended$ Roosta suddenly roke the longuncomfortale silence that had grown u! etween the twomen+

'e stood u! and gathered his towel into a ag+ 'e said2

"&eelero.$ will now do the 7o was sent here to do+"

9a!hod looked u! at him from where he was sitting in acorner sharing uns!oken thoughts with (arvin+

"eah>" he said+

"The uilding will shortly e landing+ 4hen you leave theuilding$ do not go out of the door$" said Roosta$ "go out ofthe window+"

"Good luck$" he added$ and walked out of the door$disa!!earing from 9a!hod=s life as mysteriously as he hadentered it+



9a!hod lea!t u! and tried the door$ ut Roosta had alreadylooked it+ 'e shrugged and returned to the corner+

Two minutes later$ the uilding crashlanded amongst the

other wreckage+ ts escort of ,rogstar ,ighters deactivatedtheir force eams and soared off into the air again$ oundfor ,rogstar 4orld A$ an altogether more congenial s!ot+They never landed on ,rogstar 4orld &+ ?o one did+ ?oone ever walked on its surface other than the intendedvictims of the Total Pers!ective 3orte.+

9a!hod was adly shaken y the crash+ 'e lay for a while in

the silent dusty rule to which most of the room hadeen reduced+ 'e felt that he was at the lowest e he hadever reached in his life+ 'e felt ewildered$ he feltlonely$ he felt unloved+ Eventually he felt he ought to getwhatever it was over with+

'e looked around the cracked and roken room+ The wall hads!lit round the door frame$ and the door hung o!en+ Thewindow$ y some miracle was closed and unroken+ ,or a

while he hesitated$ then he thought that if his strangeand recent com!anion had een through all that he hadeen through 7ust to tell him what he had told him$ thenthere must e a good reason for it+ 4ith (arvin=s hel! hegot the window o!en+ *utside it$ the cloud of dustaroused y the crash$ and the hulks of the other uildingswith which this one was surrounded$ effectively !revented9a!hod from seeing anything of the world outside+

?ot that this concerned him unduly+ 'is main concern waswhat he saw when he looked down+ 9arniwoo!=s officewas on the fifteenth floor+ The uilding had landed at a tiltof aout forty5five degrees$ ut still the descent lookedheart5sto!!ing+



Eventually$ stung y the continuous series of contem!tuouslooks that (arvin a!!eared to e giving him$ he took adee! reath and clamered out on to the stee!ly inclinedside of the uilding+ (arvin followed him$ and together

they egan to crawl slowly and !ainfully down the fifteenfloors that se!arated them from the ground+

As he crawled$ the dank air and dust choked his lungs$ hiseyes smarted and the terrifying distance down made hisheads s!in+

The occasional remark from (arvin of the order of "This is

the sort of thing you lifeforms en7oy is it> ask merelyfor information$" did little to im!rove his state of mind+

Aout half5way down the side of the shattered uildingthey sto!!ed to rest+ t seemed to 9a!hod as he lay there!anting with fear and e.haustion that (arvin seemed a mitemore cheerful than usual+ Eventually he reali/ed thiswasn=t so+ The root 7ust seemed cheerful in com!arisonwith his own mood+

A large$ scraggy lack ird came fla!!ing through theslowly settling clouds of dust and$ stretching down itsscrawny legs$ landed on an inclined window ledge a cou!leof yards from 9a!hod+ t folded its ungainly wings andteetered awkwardly on its !erch+

ts wings!an must have een something like si. feet$ and its

head and neck seemed curiously large for a ird+ ts facewas flat$ the eak underdevelo!ed$ and half5way along theunderside of its wings the vestiges of something handlikecould e clearly seen+

n fact$ it looked almost human+

t turned its heavy eyes on 9a!hod and clicked its eak in adesultory fashion+

"Go away$" said 9a!hod+



"*#$" muttered the ird morosely and fla!!ed off into thedust again+

9a!hod watched its de!arture in ewilderment+

"Did that ird 7ust talk to me>" he asked (arvin nervously+'e was -uite !re!ared to elieve the alternativee.!lanation$ that he was in fact hallucinating+

"es$" confirmed (arvin+

"Poor souls$" said a dee!$ ethereal voice in 9a!hod=s ear+

Twisting round violently to find the source of the voice nearlycaused 9a!hod to fall off the uilding+ 'e graedsavagely at a !rotruding window fitting and cut his hand onit+ 'e hung on$ reathing heavily+

The voice had no visile source whatever 5 there was noone there+ ?evertheless$ it s!oke again+

"A tragic history ehind them$ you know+ A terrile light+"

9a!hod looked wildly aout+ The voice was dee! and -uiet+n other circumstances it would even e descried assoothing+ There is$ however$ nothing soothing aouteing addressed y a disemodied voice out ofnowhere$ !articularly if you are$ like 9a!hod &eelero.$not at your est and hanging from a ledge eight storeysu! a crashed uilding+

"'ey$ er +++" he stammered+

")hall tell you their story>" in-uired the voice -uietly+

"'ey$ who are you>" !anted 9a!hod+ "4here are you>"

"%ater then$ !erha!s$" murmured the voice+ " am Gargravarr+ am the 0ustodian of the Total Pers!ective 3orte.+"



"4hy can=t see +++"

"ou will find your !rogress down the uilding greatlyfacilitated$" the voice lifted$ "if you move aout two yards

to your left+ 4hy don=t you try it>"

9a!hod looked and saw a series of short hori/ontalgrooves leading all the way down the side of the uilding+Gratefully he shifted himself across to them+

"4hy don=t see you again at the ottom>" said the voice inhis ear$ and as it s!oke it faded+

"'ey$" called out 9a!hod$ "4here are you +++"

"t=ll only take a cou!le of minutes +++" said the voice veryfaintly+

"(arvin$" said 9a!hod earnestly to the root s-uattingde7ectedly ne.t to him$ "Did a +++ did a voice 7ust +++"

"es$" (arvin re!lied tersely+

9a!hod nodded+ 'e took out his Peril )ensitive )unglassesagain+ They were com!letely lack$ and y now -uiteadly scratched y the une.!ected metal o7ect in his!ocket+ 'e !ut them on+ 'e would find his way downthe uilding more comfortaly if he didn=t actually have tolook at what he was doing+

(inutes later he clamered over the ri!!ed andmangled

foundations of the uilding and$ once more removinghis

sunglasses$ he dro!!ed to the ground+



(arvin 7oined him a moment or so later and lay face down inthe dust and rule$ from which !osition he seemed toodisinclined to move+

"Ah$ there you are$" said the voice suddenly in 9a!hod=s ear$"e.cuse me leaving you like that$ it=s 7ust that have aterrile head for heights+ At least$" it added wistfully$ " didhave a terrile head for heights+"

9a!hod looked around slowly and carefully$ 7ust to see if hehad missed something which might e the source of thevoice+ All he saw$ however$ was the dust$ the rule and the

towering hulks of the encircling uildings+

"'ey$ er$ why can=t see you>" he said$ "why aren=t you here>"

" am here$" said the voice slowly$ "my ody wanted to comeut it=s a it usy at the moment+ Things to do$ !eo!le tosee+" After what seemed like a sort of ethereal sigh itadded$ "ou know how it is with odies+"

9a!hod wasn=t sure aout this+

" thought did$" he said+

" only ho!e it=s gone for a rest cure$" continued the voice$"the way it=s een living recently it must e on its lastelows+"

"Elows>" said 9a!hod$ "don=t you mean last legs>"

The voice said nothing for a while+ 9a!hod lookedaround uneasily+ 'e didn=t know if it was gone or was stillthere or what it was doing+ Then the voice s!oke again+

")o$ you are to e !ut into the 3orte.$ yes>"



"Er$ well$" said 9a!hod with a very !oor attem!t atnonchalance$ "this cat=s in no hurry$ you know+ can 7ustslouch aout and take in a look at the local scenery$ youknow>"

"'ave you seen the local scenery>" asked the voice ofGargravarr+

"Er$ no+"

9a!hod clamered over the rule$ and rounded the corner ofone of the wrecked uildings that was oscuring his view+

'e looked out at the landsca!e of ,rogstar 4orld &+

"Ah$ *#$" he said$ "=ll 7ust sort of slouch aout then+"

"?o$" said Gargravarr$ "the 3orte. is ready for you now+ oumust come+ ,ollow me+"

"Er$ yeah>" said 9a!hod$ "and how am meant to do that>"

"=ll hum for you$" said Gargravarr$ "follow the humming+"

A soft keening sound drifted through the air$ a !ale$ sadsound that seemed to e without any kind of focus+ twas only y listening very carefully that 9a!hod was aleto detect the direction from which it was coming+ )lowly$da/edly$ he stumled off in its wake+ 4hat else was there todo>

0ha!ter 1C



The Universe$ as has een oserved efore$ is an unsettlinglyig !lace$ a fact which for the sake of a -uiet life most!eo!le tend to ignore+

(any would ha!!ily move to somewhere rather smaller oftheir own devising$ and this is what most eings in fact do+

,or instance$ in one corner of the Eastern Galactic Arm liesthe large forest !lanet *glaroon$ the entire "intelligent"!o!ulation of which lives !ermanently in one fairly smalland crowded nut tree+ n which tree they are orn$ live$ fallin love$ carve tiny s!eculative articles in the ark on the

meaning of life$ the futility of death and the im!ortanceof irth control$ fight a few e.tremely minor wars$ andeventually die stra!!ed to the underside of some of theless accessile outer ranches+

n fact the only *glaroonians who ever leave their tree arethose who are hurled out of it for the heinous crime ofwondering whether any of the other trees might eca!ale of su!!orting life at all$ or indeed whether the

other trees are anything other than illusions rought on yeating too many *glanuts+

E.otic though this ehaviour may seem$ there is no life formin the Gala.y which is not in some way guilty of the samething$ which is why the Total Pers!ective 3orte. is ashorrific as it is+

,or when you are !ut into the 3orte. you are given 7ust onemomentary glim!se of the entire unimaginale infinityof creation$ and somewhere in it a tiny little marker$ amicrosco!ic dot on a microsco!ic dot$ which says "ou arehere+"

The grey !lain stretched efore 9a!hod$ a ruined$shattered !lain+ The wind whi!!ed wildly over it+



3isile in the middle was the steel !im!le of the dome+ This$gathered 9a!hod$ was where he was going+ This wasthe Total Pers!ective 3orte.+

As he stood and ga/ed leakly at it$ a sudden inhuman wailof terror emanated from it as of a man having his soulurnt from his ody+ t screamed aove the wind and diedaway+

9a!hod started with fear and his lood seemed to turn toli-uid helium+

"'ey$ what was that>" he muttered voicelessly+

"A recording$" said Gargravarr$ "of the last man who was !utin the 3orte.+ t is always !layed to the ne.t victim+ A sortof !relude+"

"'ey$ it really sounds ad +++" stammered 9a!hod$ "couldn=twe maye slo!e off to a !arty or something for a while$think it over>"

",or all know$" said Gargravarr=s ethereal voice$ "=m!roaly at one+ (y ody that is+ t goes to a lot of !artieswithout me+ )ays only get in the way+ 'ey ho+"

"4hat is all this with your ody>" said 9a!hod$ an.ious todelay whatever it was that was going to ha!!en to him+

"4ell$ it=s +++ it=s usy you know$" said Gargravarr hesitantly+

"ou mean it=s got a mind of its own>" said 9a!hod+

There was a long and slightly chilly !ause eforeGargravarr s!oke again+

" have to say$" he re!lied eventually$ "that find that remarkin rather !oor taste+"

9a!hod muttered a ewildered and emarrassed a!ology+



"?o matter$" said Gargravarr$ "you weren=t to know+"

The voice fluttered unha!!ily+

"The truth is$" it continued in tones which suggested hewas trying very hard to kee! it under control$ "the truth isthat we are currently undergoing a !eriod of legal trialse!aration+ sus!ect it will end in divorce+"

The voice was still again$ leaving 9a!hod with no idea of whatto say+ 'e mumled uncertainly+

" think we are !roaly not very well suited$" saidGargravarr again at length$ "we never seemed to eha!!y doing the same things+ 4e always had thegreatest arguments over se. and fishing+ Eventually wetried to comine the two$ ut that only led to disaster$ asyou can !roaly imagine+ And now my ody refuses tolet me in+ t won=t even see me +++"

'e !aused again$ tragically+ The wind whi!!ed across the

!lain+

"t says only inhiit it+ !ointed out that in fact wasmeant to inhiit it$ and it said that that was e.actly the sortof smart alec remark that got right u! a ody=s left nostril$and so we left it+ t will !roaly get custody of myforename+"

"*h +++" said 9a!hod faintly$ "and what=s that>"

"Pi/!ot$" said the voice$ "(y name is Pi/!ot Gargravarr+ )aysit all really doesn=t it>"

"Errr +++" said 9a!hod sym!athetically+

"And that is why $ as a disemodied mind$ have this 7o$0ustodian of the Total Pers!ective 3orte.+ ?o one will ever

walk on the ground of this !lanet+ E.ce!t the victims of the3orte. 5 they don=t really count =m afraid+"



"Ah +++"

"=ll tell you the story+ 4ould you like to hear it>"

"Er +++"

"(any years ago this was a thriving$ ha!!y !lanet 5 !eo!le$cities sho!s$ a normal world+ E.ce!t that on the highstreets of these cities there were slightly more shoe sho!sthan one might have thought necessary+ And slowly$insidiously$ the numers of these shoe sho!s wereincreasing+ t=s a well known economic !henomenonut tragic to see it in o!eration$ for the more shoe sho!sthere were$ the more shoes they had to make and theworse and more unwearale they ecame+ And the worsethey were to wear$ the more !eo!le had to uy to kee!themselves shod$ and the more the sho!s !roliferated$until the whole economy of the !lace !assed what elieve is termed the )hoe Event 'ori/on$ and it ecameno longer economically !ossile to uild anything otherthan shoe sho!s+ Result 5 colla!se$ ruin and famine+ (ost

of the !o!ulation died out+ Those few who had the rightkind of genetic instaility mutated into irds 5 you=ve seenone of them 5 who cursed their feet$ cursed the ground$and vowed that none should walk on it again+ Unha!!y lot+0ome$ must take you to the 3orte.+"

9a!hod shook his head in emusement and stumled forwardacross the !lain+

"And you$" he said$ "you come from this hellhole !it do you>"

"?o no$" said Gargravarr$ taken aack$ " come from the,rogstar 4orld 0+ &eautiful !lace+ 4onderful fishing+ flitack there in the evenings+ Though all can do now iswatch+ The Total Pers!ective 3orte. is the only thing onthis !lanet with any function+ t was uilt here ecause noone else wanted it on their doorste!+"



At that moment another dismal scream rent the air and9a!hod shuddered+

"4hat can do that to a guy>" he reathed+

"The Universe$" said Gargravarr sim!ly$ "the whole infiniteUniverse+ The infinite suns$ the infinite distances etweenthem$ and yourself an invisile dot on an invisile dot$infinitely small+"

"'ey$ =m 9a!hod &eelero.$ man$ you know$" muttered9a!hod trying to fla! the last remnants of his ego+

Gargravarr made no re!ly$ ut merely resumed his mournfulhumming till they reached the tarnished steel dome in themiddle of the !lain+

As they reached it$ a door hummed o!en in the side$ revealinga small darkened chamer within+

"Enter$" said Gargravarr+

9a!hod started with fear+

"'ey$ what$ now>" he said+

"?ow+"

9a!hod !eered nervously inside+ The chamer was verysmall+ t was steel5lined and there was hardly s!ace in it

for more than one man+

"t +++ er +++ it doesn=t look like any kind of 3orte. to me$" said9a!hod+

"t isn=t$" said Gargravarr$ "it=s 7ust the elevator+ Enter+"

4ith infinite tre!idation 9a!hod ste!!ed into it+ 'e was awareof Gargravarr eing in the elevator with him$ though the

disemodied man was not for the moment s!eaking+



The elevator egan its descent+

" must get myself into the right frame of mind for this$"muttered 9a!hod+

"There is no right frame of mind$" said Gargravarr sternly+

"ou really know how to make a guy feel inade-uate+"

" don=t+ The 3orte. does+"

At the ottom of the shaft$ the rear of the elevator o!ened u!and 9a!hod stumled out into a smallish$ functional$ steel5

lined chamer+

At the far side of it stood a single u!right steel o.$ 7ustlarge enough for a man to stand in+

t was that sim!le+

t connected to a small !ile of com!onents and instrumentsvia a single thick wire+

"s that it>" said 9a!hod in sur!rise+

"That is it+"

Didn=t look too ad$ thought 9a!hod+

"And get in there do >" said 9a!hod+

"ou get in there$" said Gargravarr$ "and =m afraid you mustdo it now+"

"*#$ *#$" said 9a!hod+

'e o!ened the door of the o. and ste!!ed in+

nside the o. he waited+



After five seconds there was a click$ and the entire Universewas there in the o. with him+

0ha!ter 11

The Total Pers!ective 3orte. derives its !icture of the wholeUniverse on the !rinci!le of e.tra!olated matter analyses+

To e.!lain 5 since every !iece of matter in the Universe is insome way affected y every other !iece of matter in theUniverse$ it is in theory !ossile to e.tra!olate the whole ofcreation 5 every sun$ every !lanet$ their orits$ theircom!osition and their economic and social history from$

say$ one small !iece of fairy cake+

The man who invented the Total Pers!ective 3orte. didso asically in order to annoy his wife+

Trin Tragula 5 for that was his name 5 was a dreamer$ a thinker$a s!eculative !hiloso!her or$ as his wife would have it$an idiot+

And she would nag him incessantly aout the utterlyinordinate amount of time he s!ent staring out into s!ace$or mulling over the mechanics of safety !ins$ or doings!ectrogra!hic analyses of !ieces of fairy cake+

"'ave some sense of !ro!ortion@" she would say$sometimes as often as thirty5eight times in a single day+

And so he uilt the Total Pers!ective 3orte. 5 7ust to show her+



And into one end he !lugged the whole of reality ase.tra!olated from a !iece of fairy cake$ and into the otherend he !lugged his wife2 so that when he turned it on shesaw in one instant the whole infinity of creation and

herself in relation to it+

To Trin Tragula=s horror$ the shock com!letely annihilatedher rain8 ut to his satisfaction he reali/ed that he had!roved conclusively that if life is going to e.ist in aUniverse of this si/e$ then the one thing it cannot afford tohave is a sense of !ro!ortion+

The door of the 3orte. swung o!en+

,rom his disemodied mind Gargravarr watched de7ectedly+'e had rather liked 9a!hod &eelero. in a strange sortof way+ 'e was clearly a man of many -ualities$ even if theywere mostly ad ones+

'e waited for him to flo! forwards out of the o.$ as they alldid+

nstead$ he ste!!ed out+

"'i@" he said+

"&eelero. +++" gas!ed Gargravarr=s mind in ama/ement+

"0ould have a drink !lease>" said 9a!hod+

"ou +++ you +++ have een in the 3orte.>" stammeredGargravarr+

"ou saw me$ kid+"

"And it was working>"

")ure was+"

"And you saw the whole infinity of creation>"



")ure+ Really neat !lace$ you know that>"

Gargravarr=s mind was reeling in astonishment+ 'ad his odyeen with him it would have sat down heavily with its

mouth hanging o!en+

"And you saw yourself$" said Gargravarr$ "in relation to it all>"

"*h$ yeah$ yeah+"

"&ut +++ what did you e.!erience>"

9a!hod shrugged smugly+

"t 7ust told me what knew all the time+ =m a really terrific andgreat guy+ Didn=t tell you$ ay$ =m 9a!hod &eelero.@"

'is ga/e !assed over the machinery which !owered thevorte. and suddenly sto!!ed$ startled+

'e reathed heavily+

"'ey$" he said$ "is that really a !iece of fairy cake>"

'e ri!!ed the small !iece of confectionery from the sensorswith which it was surrounded+

"f told you how much needed this$" he said ravenously$ "wouldn=t have time to eat it+"

'e ate it+

0ha!ter 1:



A short while later he was running across the !lain in thedirection of the ruined city+

The dank air whee/ed heavily in his lungs and he

fre-uently stumled with the e.haustion he was stillfeeling+ ?ight was eginning to fall too$ and the roughground was treacherous+

The elation of his recent e.!erience was still with himthough+ The whole Universe+ 'e had seen the wholeUniverse stretching to infinity around him 5 everything+ Andwith it had come the clear and e.traordinary knowledge

that he was the most im!ortant thing in it+ 'aving aconceited ego is one thing+ Actually eing told y amachine is another+

'e didn=t have time to reflect on this matter+

Gargravarr had told him that he would have to alert hismasters as to what had ha!!ened$ ut that he was!re!ared to leave a decent interval efore doing so+

Enough time for 9a!hod to make a reak and findsomewhere to hide+

4hat he was going to do he didn=t know$ ut feeling that hewas the most im!ortant !erson in the Universe gave himthe confidence to elieve that something would turn u!+

?othing else on this lighted !lanet could give him muchgrounds for o!timism+

'e ran on$ and soon reached the outskirts of the aandonedcity+

'e walked along cracked and ga!ing roads riddled withscrawny weeds$ the holes filled with rotting shoes+ Theuildings he !assed were so crumled and decre!it hethought it unsafe to enter any of them+ 4here could he

hide> 'e hurried on+



After a while the remains of a wide swee!ing road led offfrom the one down which he was walking$ and at its endlay a vast low uilding$ surrounded with sundry smallerones$ the whole surrounded y the remains of a

!erimeter arrier+ The large main uilding still seemedreasonaly solid$ and 9a!hod turned off to see if it might!rovide him with +++ well with anything+

'e a!!roached the uilding+ Along one side of it 5 the front itwould seem since it faced a wide concreted a!ron area 5were three gigantic doors$ maye si.ty feet high+ The farone of these was o!en$ and towards this$ 9a!hod ran+

nside$ all was gloom$ dust and confusion+ Giant cowes layover everything+ Part of the infrastructure of theuilding had colla!sed$ !art of the rear wall had caved in$and a thick choking dust lay inches over the floor+

Through the heavy gloom huge sha!es loomed$ covered withderis+

The sha!es were sometimes cylindrical$ sometimesulous$ sometimes like eggs$ or rather cracked eggs+(ost of them were s!lit o!en or falling a!art$ some weremere skeletons+

They were all s!acecraft$ all derelict+

9a!hod wandered in frustration among the hulks+ There wasnothing here that remotely a!!roached the serviceale+Even the mere viration of his footste!s caused one!recarious wreck to colla!se further into itself+

Towards the rear of the uilding lay one old shi!$ slightlylarger than the others$ and uried eneath even dee!er!iles of dust and cowes+ ts outline$ however$ seemedunroken+ 9a!hod a!!roached it with interest$ and as hedid so$ he tri!!ed over an old feedline+



'e tried to toss the feedline aside$ and to his sur!risediscovered that it was still connected to the shi!+

To his utter astonishment he reali/ed that the feedline was

also humming slightly+

'e stared at the shi! in diselief$ and then ack down at thefeedline in his hands+

'e tore off his 7acket and threw it aside+ 0rawling along on hishands and knees he followed the feedline to the !ointwhere it connected with the shi!+ The connection wassound$ and the slight humming viration was more distinct+

'is heart was eating fast+ 'e wi!ed away some grime andlaid an ear against the shi!=s side+ 'e could only heara faint$ indeterminate noise+

'e rummaged feverishly amongst the deris lying on the floorall aout him and found a short length of tuing$ and anon5iodegradale !lastic cu!+ *ut of this he fashioned

a crude stethosco!e and !laced it against the side of theshi!+

4hat he heard made his rains turn somersaults+

The voice said2

"Transtellar 0ruise %ines would like to a!ologi/e to!assengers for the continuing delay to this flight+ 4e

are currently awaiting the loading of our com!lement ofsmall lemon5soaked !a!er na!kins for your comfort$refreshment and hygiene during the 7ourney+ (eanwhile wethank you for your !atience+ The cain crew will shortly eserving coffee and iscuits again+"

9a!hod staggered ackwards$ staring wildly at the shi!+



'e walked around for a few moments in a da/e+ n so doinghe suddenly caught sight of a giant de!arture oard stillhanging$ ut y only one su!!ort$ from the ceiling aovehim+ t was covered with grime$ ut some of the

figures were still discernile+

9a!hod=s eyes searched amongst the figures$ then made somerief calculations+ 'is eyes widened+

"?ine hundred years +++" he reathed to himself+ That washow late the shi! was+

Two minutes later he was on oard+

As he ste!!ed out of the airlock$ the air that greeted him wascool and fresh 5 the air conditioning was still working+

The lights were still on+

'e moved out of the small entrance chamer into a shortnarrow corridor and ste!!ed nervously down it+

)uddenly a door o!ened and a figure ste!!ed out in front ofhim+

"Please return to your seat sir$" said the android stewardessand$ turning her ack on him$ she walked on down thecorridor in front of him+

4hen his heart had started eating again he followed her+

)he o!ened the door at the end of the corridor and walkedthrough+

'e followed her through the door+

They were now in the !assenger com!artment and 9a!hod=sheart sto!!ed still again for a moment+

n every seat sat a !assenger$ stra!!ed into his or her seat+



The !assengers= hair was long and unkem!t$ their fingernailswere long$ the men wore eards+

All of them were -uite clearly alive 5 ut slee!ing+

9a!hod had the cree!ing horrors+

'e walked slowly down the aisle as in a dream+ &y the time hewas half5way down the aisle$ the stewardess had reachedthe other end+ )he turned and s!oke+

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen$" she said sweetly$"Thank you for earing with us during this slight delay+4e will e taking off as soon as we !ossily can+ f youwould like to wake u! now will serve you coffee andiscuits+"

There was a slight hum+

At that moment$ all the !assengers awoke+

They awoke screaming and clawing at their stra!s and lifesu!!ort systems that held them tightly in their seats+ Theyscreamed and awled and hollered till 9a!hod thought hisears would shatter+

They struggled and writhed as the stewardess !atientlymoved u! the aisle !lacing a small cu! of coffee and a!acket of iscuits in front of each one of them+

Then one of them rose from his seat+

'e turned and looked at 9a!hod+

9a!hod=s skin was crawling all over his ody as if it wastrying to get off+ 'e turned and ran from the edlam+

'e !lunged through the door and ack into the corridor+

The man !ursued him+



'e raced in a fren/y to the end of the corridor$ through theentrance chamer and eyond+ 'e arrived on the flightdeck$ slammed and olted the door ehind him+ 'e leantack against the door reathing hard+

4ithin seconds$ a hand started eating on the door+

,rom somewhere on the flight deck a metallic voice addressedhim+

"Passengers are not allowed on the flight deck+ Please returnto your seat$ and wait for the shi! to take off+ 0offee andiscuits are eing served+ This is your auto!ilot s!eaking+Please return to your seat+"

9a!hod said nothing+ 'e reathed hard$ ehind him$ thehand continued to knock on the door+

"Please return to your seat$" re!eated the auto!ilot+"Passengers are not allowed on the flight deck+"

"=m not a !assenger$" !anted 9a!hod+

"Please return to your seat+"

" am not a !assenger@" shouted 9a!hod again+


" am not a +++ hello$ can you hear me>"


ou=re the auto!ilot>" said 9a!hod+

"es$" said the voice from the flight console+

"ou=re in charge of this shi!>"



"es$" said the voice again$ "there has een a delay+Passengers are to e ke!t tem!orarily in sus!endedanimation$ for their comfort and convenience+ 0offee andiscuits are eing served every year$ after which

!assengers are returned to sus!ended animation for theircontinued comfort and convenience+ De!arture will take!lace when the flight stores are com!lete+ 4e a!ologi/e forthe delay+"

9a!hod moved away from the door$ on which the !oundinghad now ceased+ 'e a!!roached the flight console+

"Delay>" he cried$ "'ave you seen the world outside thisshi!>

t=s a wasteland$ a desert+ 0ivili/ation=s een and gone$ man+There are no lemon5soaked !a!er na!kins on the wayfrom anywhere@"

"The statistical likelihood$" continued the auto!ilot !rimly$ "isthat other civili/ations will arise+ There will one day e

lemon5soaked !a!er na!kins+ Till then there will e ashort delay+ Please return to your seat+"

"&ut +++"

&ut at that moment the door o!ened+ 9a!hod s!an round tosee the man who had !ursued him standing there+ 'ecarried a large riefcase+ 'e was smartly dressed$ and hishair was short+ 'e had no eard and no long fingernails+

"9a!hod &eelero.$" he said$ "(y name is 9arniwoo!+ elieve you wanted to see me+"

9a!hod &eelero. wittered+ 'is mouths said foolish things+'e dro!!ed into a chair+

"*h man$ oh man$ where did you s!ring from>" he said+



"=ve een waiting here for you$" he said in a usinessliketone+

'e !ut the riefcase down and sat in another chair+

" am glad you followed instructions$" he said$ " was a itnervous that you might have left my office y the doorrather than the window+ Then you would have een introule+"

9a!hod shook his heads at him and urled+

"4hen you entered the door of my office$ you enteredmy electronically synthesi/ed Universe$" he e.!lained$ "ifyou had left y the door you would have een ack in thereal one+ The artificial one works from here+"

'e !atted the riefcase smugly+

9a!hod glared at him with resentment and loathing+

"4hat=s the difference>" he muttered+

"?othing$" said 9arniwoo!$ "they are identical+ *h 5 e.ce!tthat think the ,rogstar ,ighters are grey in the realUniverse+"

"4hat=s going on>" s!at 9a!hod+

")im!le$" said 9arniwoo!+ 'is self assurance and smugness

made 9a!hod seethe+

"3ery sim!le$" re!eated 9arniwoo!$ " discovered thecoordinated at which this man could e found 5 theman who rules the Universe$ and discovered that hisworld was !rotected y an Un!roaility field+ To!rotect my secret 5 and myself 5 retreated to the safetyof this totally artificial Universe and hid myself away in aforgotten cruise liner+ was secure+ (eanwhile$ you and +++"



"ou and >" said 9a!hod angrily$ "you mean knew you>"

"es$" said 9arniwoo!$ "we knew each other well+"

" had no taste$" said 9a!hod and resumed a sullen silence+

"(eanwhile$ you and arranged that you would steal them!roaility Drive shi! 5 the only one which could reachthe ruler=s world 5 and ring it to me here+ This you havenow done trust$ and congratulate you+" 'e smiled atight little smile which 9a!hod wanted to hit with a rick+

"*h$ and in case you were wondering$" added 9arniwoo!$"this Universe was created s!ecifically for you to cometo+ ou are therefore the most im!ortant !erson in thisUniverse+ ou would never$" he said with an even morerickale smile$ "have survived the Total Pers!ective 3orte.in the real one+ )hall we go>"

"4here>" said 9a!hod sullenly+ 'e felt colla!sed+

"To your shi!+ The 'eart of Gold+ ou did ring it trust>"

"?o+"

"4here is your 7acket>"

9a!hod looked at him in mystification+

"(y 7acket> took it off+ t=s outside+"

"Good$ we will go and find it+"

9arniwoo! stood u! and gestured to 9a!hod to follow him+

*ut in the entrance chamer again$ they could hear thescreams of the !assengers eing fed coffee and iscuits+

"t has not een a !leasant e.!erience waiting for you$" said

9arniwoo!+



"?ot !leasant for you@" awled 9a!hod$ "'ow do you think +++"

9arniwoo! held u! a silencing finger as the hatchway swungo!en+ A few feet away from them they could see 9a!hod=s

7acket lying in the deris+

"A very remarkale and very !owerful shi!$" said9arniwoo!$ "watch+"

As they watched$ the !ocket on the 7acket suddenly ulged+t s!lit$ it ri!!ed+ The small metal model of the 'eart of Goldthat 9a!hod had een ewildered to discover in his !ocketwas growing+

t grew$ it continued to grow+ t reached$ after two minutes$ itsfull si/e+

"At an m!roaility %evel$" said 9arniwoo!$ "of +++ oh don=tknow$ ut something very large+"

9a!hod swayed+

"ou mean had it with me all the time>"

"9arniwoo! smiled+ 'e lifted u! his riefcase and o!ened it+

'e twisted a single switch inside it+

"Goodye artificial Universe$" he said$ "hello real one@"

The scene efore them shimmered riefly 5 and rea!!earede.actly as efore+

"ou see>" said 9arniwoo!$ "e.actly the same+"

"ou mean$" re!eated 9a!hod tautly$ "that had it with me allthe time>"

"*h yes$" said 9arniwoo!$ "of course+ That was the whole

!oint+"



"That=s it$" said 9a!hod$ "you can count me out$ from hereonin you can count me out+ =ve had all want of this+ ou !layyour own games+"

"=m afraid you cannot leave$" said 9arniwoo!$ "you areentwined in the m!roaility field+ ou cannot esca!e+"

'e smiled the smile that 9a!hod had wanted to hit and thistime 9a!hod hit it+

0ha!ter 1B

,ord Prefect ounded u! to the ridge of the 'eart of Gold+

"Trillian@ Arthur@" he shouted$ "it=s working@ The shi!=sreactivated@"

Trillian and Arthur were aslee! on the floor+

"0ome on you guys$ we=re going off$ we=re off$" he saidkicking them awake+

"'i there guys@" twittered the com!uter$ "it=s really great to e

ack with you again$ can tell you$ and 7ust want to say that

+++"

")hut u!$" said ,ord$ "tell us where the hell we are+"



",rogstar 4orld &$ and man it=s a dum!$" said 9a!hodrunning on to the ridge$ "hi$ guys$ you must e soama/ingly glad to see me you don=t even find words to tellme what a cool frood am+"

"4hat a what>" said Arthur learily$ !icking himself u! fromthe floor and not taking any of this in+

" know how you feel$" said 9a!hod$ "=m so great even gettongue5tied talking to myself+ 'ey it=s good to see youTrillian$ ,ord$ (onkeyman+ 'ey$ er$ com!uter +++>"

"'i there$ (r &eelero. sir$ sure is a great honor to +++"

")hut u! and get us out of here$ fast fast fast+"

")ure thing$ fella$ where do you want to go>"

"Anywhere$ doesn=t matter$" shouted 9a!hod$ "yes it does@"he said again$ "we want to go to the nearest !lace to eat@"

")ure thing$" said the com!uter ha!!ily and a massivee.!losion rocket the ridge+

4hen 9arniwoo! entered a minute or so later with a lack eye$he regarded the four wis!s of smoke with interest+

0ha!ter 1



,our inert odies sank through s!inning lackness+0onsciousness had died$ cold olivion !ulled the odiesdown and down into the !it of uneing+ The roar of silenceechoed dismally around them and they sank at last into a

dark and itter sea of heaving red that slowly engulfedthem$ seemingly for ever+

After what seemed an eternity the sea receded and left themlying on a cold hard shore$ the flotsam and 7etsam of thestream of %ife$ the Universe$ and Everything+

0old s!asms shook them$ lights danced sickeningly around

them+ The cold hard shore ti!!ed and s!an and thenstood still+ t shone darkly 5 it was a very highly !olishedcold hard shore+

A green lur watched them disa!!rovingly+

t coughed+

"Good evening$ madam$ gentlemen$" it said$ "do you have

a reservation>"

,ord Prefect=s consciousness sna!!ed ack like elastic$making his rain smart+ 'e looked u! woo/ily at the greenlur+

"Reservation>" he said weakly+ "es$ sir$" said the green lur+

"Do you need a reservation for the afterlife>"

n so far as it is !ossile for a green lur to arch its eyerowsdisdainfully$ this is what the green lur now did+

"Afterlife$ sir>" it said+

Arthur Dent was gra!!ling with his consciousness the wayone gra!!les with a lost ar of soa! in the ath+

"s this the afterlife>" he stammered+



"4ell assume so$" said ,ord Prefect trying to work outwhich way was u!+ 'e tested the theory that it must lie inthe o!!osite direction from the cold hard shore on whichhe was lying$ and staggered to what he ho!ed were his

feet+

" mean$" he said$ swaying gently$ "there=s no way we couldhave survived that last is there>"

"?o$" muttered Arthur+ 'e had raised himself on to his elowsut it didn=t seem to im!rove things+ 'e slum!ed downagain+

"?o$" said Trillian$ standing u!$ "no way at all+"

A dull hoarse gurgling sound came from the floor+ t was9a!hod &eelero. attem!ting to s!eak+ " certainly didn=tsurvive$" he gurgled$ " was a total goner+ 4ham ang andthat was it+"

"eah$ thanks to you$" said ,ord$ "4e didn=t stand a chance+

4e must have een lown to its+ Arms$ legs everywhere+"

"eah$" said 9a!hod struggling noisily to his feet+

"f the lady and gentlemen would like to order drinks +++" saidthe green lur$ hovering im!atiently eside them+

"#er!ow$ s!lat$" continued 9a!hod$ "instantaneously /onkedinto our com!onent molecules+ 'ey$ ,ord$" he said$

identifying one of the slowly solidifying lurs around him$"did you get that thing of your whole life flashing eforeyou>"

"ou got that too>" said ,ord$ "your whole life>"

"eah$" said 9a!hod$ "at least assume it was mine+ s!enta lot of time out of my skulls you know+"



'e looked at around him at the various sha!es that were atlast ecoming !ro!er sha!es instead of vague andwoling sha!eless sha!es+

")o +++" he said+

")o what>" said ,ord+

")o here we are$" said 9a!hod hesitantly$ "lying dead +++"

")tanding$" Trillian corrected him+

"Er$ standing dead$" continued 9a!hod$ "in this desolate +++"

"Restaurant$" said Arthur Dent who had got to his feet andcould now$ much to his sur!rise$ see clearly+ That is to say$the thing that sur!rised him was not that he could see$ utwhat he could see+

"'ere we are$" continued 9a!hod doggedly$ "standing dead inthis desolate +++"

",ive star +++" said Trillian+

"Restaurant$" concluded 9a!hod+

"*dd isn=t it>" said ,ord+

"Er$ yeah+"

"?ice chandeliers though$" said Trillian+

They looked aout themselves in emusement+

"t=s not so much an afterlife$" said Arthur$ "more a sort ofa!res vie+"



The chandeliers were in fact a little on the flashy side and thelow vaulted ceiling from which they hung would not$ in anideal Universe$ have een !ainted in that !articular shadeof dee! tur-uoise$ and even if it had een it wouldn=t

have een highlighted y concealed moodlighting+ This isnot$ however$ an ideal Universe$ as was furtherevidenced y the eye5crossing !atterns of the inlaid marlefloor$ and the way in which the fronting for the eighty5yard long marle5to!!ed ar had een made+ The frontingfor the eighty5yard long marle5to!!ed ar had een madey stitching together nearly twenty thousand Antarean(osaic %i/ard skins$ des!ite the fact that the twenty

thousand li/ards concerned had needed them to kee! theirinsides in+

A few smartly dressed creatures were lounging casually at thear or rela.ing in the richly coloured ody5hugging seatsthat were de!loyed here and there aout the ar area+ Ayoung 3l='urg officer and his green steaming younglady !assed through the large smoked glass doors at the

far end of the ar into the da//ling light of the mainody of the Restaurant eyond+

&ehind Arthur was a large curtained ay window+ 'e !ulledaside the corner of the curtain and looked out at alandsca!e which under normal circumstances would havegiven Arthur the cree!ing horrors+ These were not$however$ normal circumstances$ for the thing that fro/e hislood and made his skin try to crawl u! his ack and off

the to! of his head was the sky+ The sky was +++

An attendant flunkey !olitely drew the curtain ack into !lace+

"All in good time$ sir$" he said+

9a!hod=s eyes flashed+



"'ey$ hang aout you dead guys$" he said$ " think we=remissing some ultra5im!ortant thing here you know+)omething someody said and we missed it+"

Arthur was !rofoundly relieved to turn his attention from whathe had 7ust seen+

'e said$ " said it was a sort of a!res +++"

"eah$ and don=t you wish you hadn=t>" said 9a!hod$ ",ord>"

" said it was odd+"

"eah$ shrewd ut dull$ !erha!s it was +++"

"Perha!s$" interru!ted the green lur who had y this time

resolved into the sha!e of a small wi/ened dark5suitedgreen

waiter$ "!erha!s you would care to discuss the matter overdrinks

+++"

"Drinks@" cried 9a!hod$ "that was it@ )ee what you miss ifyou don=t stay alert+"

"ndeed sir$" said the waiter !atiently+ "f the lady andgentlemen would care to order drinks efore dinner +++"

"Dinner@" 9a!hod e.claimed with !assion$ "%isten$ littlegreen !erson$ my stomach could take you home andcuddle you all night for the mere idea+"

"+++ and the Universe$" concluded the waiter$ determined notto e deflected on his home stretch$ "will e.!lode later for

your !leasure+"



,ord=s head swivelled towards him+ 'e s!oke with feeling+

"4ow$" he said$ "4hat sort of drinks do you serve in this!lace>"

The waiter laughed a !olite little waiter=s laugh+

"Ah$" he said$ " think sir has !erha!s misunderstood me+"

"*h$ ho!e not$" reathed ,ord+

The waiter coughed a !olite little waiter=s cough+

"t is not unusual for our customers to e a little disorientedy the time 7ourney$" he said$ "so if might suggest +++"

"Time 7ourney>" said 9a!hod+

"Time 7ourney>" said ,ord+

"Time 7ourney>" said Trillian+

"ou mean this isn=t the afterlife>" said Arthur+

The waiter smiled a !olite little waiter=s smile+ 'e had almoste.hausted his !olite little waiter re!ertoire and wouldsoon e sli!!ing into his role of a rather tight li!!ed andsarcastic little waiter+

"Afterlife sir>" he said$ "?o sir+"

"And we=re not dead>" said Arthur+

The waiter tightened his li!s+

"Aha$ ha$" he said$ ")ir is most evidently alive$ otherwise would not attem!t to serve sir+"

n an e.traordinary gesture which is !ointless attem!ting to

descrie$ 9a!hod &eelero. sla!!ed oth his foreheadswith two of his arms and one of his thighs with the other+



"'ey guys$" he said$ "This is cra/y+ 4e finally did it+ 4efinally got to where we were going+ This is (illiways@"

"es sir$" said the waiter$ laying on the !atience with a trowel$

"this is (illiways 5 the Restaurant at the End of theUniverse+"

"End of what>" said Arthur+

"The Universe$" re!eated the waiter$ very clearly andunnecessarily distinctly+

"4hen did that end>" said Arthur+

"n 7ust a few minutes$ sir$" said the waiter+ 'e took a dee!reath+ 'e didn=t need to do this since his ody wassu!!lied with the !eculiar assortment of gases it re-uiredfor survival from a small intravenous device stra!!ed tohis leg+ There are times$ however$ when whatever yourmetaolism you have to take a dee! reath+

"?ow$ if you would care to order drinks at last$" he said$ "will then show you to your tale+"

9a!hod grinned two manic grins$ sauntered over to the arand ought most of it+

0ha!ter 1F



The Restaurant at the End of the Universe is one of themost e.traordinary ventures in the entire history ofcatering+ t has een uilt on the fragmented remains of +++ itwill e uilt on the fragmented +++ that is to say it will have

een uilt y this time$ and indeed has een 5

*ne of the ma7or !rolems encountered in time travel is notthat of accidentally ecoming your own father or mother+There is no !rolem involved in ecoming your own fatheror mother that a roadminded and well5ad7usted familycan=t co!e with+ There is also no !rolem aout changingthe course of history 5 the course of history does not

change ecause it all fits together like a 7igsaw+ All theim!ortant changes have ha!!ened efore the things theywere su!!osed to change and it all sorts itself out in theend+

The ma7or !rolem is -uite sim!ly one of grammar$ and themain work to consult in this matter is Dr Dan)treetmentioner=s Time Traveller=s 'andook of 1CC1 Tense,ormations+ t will tell you for instance how to descriesomething that was aout to ha!!en to you in the !astefore you avoided it y time57um!ing forward two days inorder to avoid it+ The event will e descried differentlyaccording to whether you are talking aout it from thestand!oint of your own natural time$ from a time in thefurther future$ or a time in the further !ast and is furthercom!licated y the !ossiility of conducting conversationswhilst you are actually travelling from one time to another

with the intention of ecoming your own father or mother+

(ost readers get as far as the ,uture )emi50onditionally(odified )uinverted Plagal Past )u7unctive ntentionalefore giving u!2

and in fact in later editions of the ook all the !ages eyondthis !oint have een left lank to save on !rinting costs+



The 'itch 'ikers Guide to the Gala.y ski!s lightly over thistangle of academic astraction$ !ausing only to note thatthe term ",uture Perfect" has een aandoned since it wasdiscovered not to e+

To resume2

The Restaurant at the End of the Universe is one of themost e.traordinary ventures in the entire history ofcatering+

t is uilt on the fragmented remains of an eventually ruined!lanet which is ;wioll haven e< enclosed in a vast timeule and !ro7ected forward in time to the !recisemoment of the End of the Universe+

This is$ many would say$ im!ossile+

n it$ guests take ;willan on5take< their !laces at tale and eat;willan on5eat< sum!tuous meals whilst watching ;willingwatchen< the whole of creation e.!lode around them+

This is$ many would say$ e-ually im!ossile+

ou can arrive ;mayan arivan on5when< for any sitting youlike without !rior ;late fore5when< reservation ecause youcan ook retros!ectively$ as it were when you return toyour own time+ ;you can have on5ook haventa forewhen!resooning returningwenta retrohome+<

This is$ many would now insist$ asolutely im!ossile+

At the Restaurant you can meet and dine with ;mayan meetancon with dinan on when< a fascinating cross5section ofthe entire !o!ulation of s!ace and time+

This$ it can e e.!lained !atiently$ is also im!ossile+



ou can visit it as many times as you like ;mayan on5visit re5onvisiting +++ and so on 5 for further tense5correctionsconsult Dr )treetmentioner=s ook< and e sure of nevermeeting yourself$ ecause of the emarrassment this

usually causes+

This$ even if the rest were true$ which it isn=t$ is !atentlyim!ossile$ say the douters+

All you have to do is de!osit one !enny in a savings accountin your own era$ and when you arrive at the End ofTime the o!eration of com!ound interest means that the

faulous cost of your meal has een !aid for+

This$ many claim$ is not merely im!ossile ut clearlyinsane$ which is why the advertising e.ecutives of thestar system of &astalon came u! with this slogan2 "fyou=ve done si. im!ossile things this morning$ whynot round it off with reakfast at (illiways$ theRestaurant at the End of the Universe>"

0ha!ter 1

At the ar$ 9a!hod was ra!idly ecoming as tired as a newt+'is heads knocked together and his smiles were comingout of synch+ 'e was miseraly ha!!y+

"9a!hod$" said ,ord$ "whilst you=re still ca!ale of s!eech$would you care to tell me what the !hoton ha!!ened>4here have you een> 4here have we een> )mall

matter$ ut =d like it cleared u!+"



9a!hod=s left head soered u!$ leaving his right to sinkfurther into the oscurity of drink+

"eah$" he said$ "=ve een around+ They want me to find the

man who rules the Universe$ ut don=t care to meet him+ elieve the man can=t cook+"

'is left head watched his right head saying this and thennodded+

"True$" it said$ "have another drink+"

,ord had another Pan Galactic Gargle &laster$ the drink whichhas een descried as the alcoholic e-uivalent of amugging 5 e.!ensive and ad for the head+ 4hatever hadha!!ened$ ,ord decided$ he didn=t really care too much+

"%isten ,ord$" said 9a!hod$ "everything=s cool and froody+"

"ou mean everything=s under control+"

"?o$" said 9a!hod$ " do not mean everything=s undercontrol+ That would not e cool and froody+ f you wantto know what ha!!ened let=s 7ust say had the wholesituation in my !ocket+

*#>"

,ord shrugged+

9a!hod giggled into his drink+ t frothed u! over the side ofthe glass and started to eat its way into the marle ar to!+

A wild5skinned sky5gy!sy a!!roached them and !layedelectric violin at them until 9a!hod gave him a lot of moneyand he agreed to go away again+

The gy!sy a!!roached Arthur and Trillian sitting in another!art of the ar+



" don=t know what this !lace is$" said Arthur$ "ut think itgives me the cree!s+"

"'ave another drink$" said Trillian$ "En7oy yourself+"

"4hich>" said Arthur$ "the two are mutually e.clusive+"

"Poor Arthur$ you=re not really cut out for this life are you>"

"ou call this life>"

"ou=re eginning to sound like (arvin+"

"(arvin=s the clearest thinker know+ 'ow do you think wemake this violinist go away>"

The waiter a!!roached+

"our tale is ready$" he said+

)een from the outside$ which it never is$ the Restaurantresemles a giant glittering starfish eached on a

forgotten rock+ Each of its arms houses the ars$ thekitchens$ the forcefield generators which !rotect the entirestructure and the decayed !lanet on which it sits$ and theTime Turines which slowly rock the whole affairackwards and forwards across the crucial moment+

n the centre sits the gigantic golden dome$ almost acom!lete gloe$ and it was into this area that 9a!hod$

,ord$ Arthur and Trillian now !assed+

At least five tons of glitter alone had gone into it efore them$and covered every availale surface+ The other surfaceswere not availale ecause they were already encrustedwith 7ewels$ !recious sea shells from )antraginus$ goldleaf$ mosaic tiles$ li/ard skins and a million unidentifialeemellishments and decorations+ Glass glittered$ silvershone$ gold gleamed$ Arthur Dent goggled+



9a!hod lurched into ,ord$ who lurched ack into 9a!hod+

"4owee$" said 9a!hod+

"9a!!o$" said ,ord+

"(y great granddaddy must have really screwed u! thecom!uter=s works$ you know$" said 9a!hod$ " told it totake us to the nearest !lace to eat and it sends us to theEnd of the Universe+ Remind me to e nice to it one day+"

'e !aused+

"'ey$ everyody=s here you know+ Everyody who wasanyody+"

"4as>" said Arthur+

"At the End of the Universe you have to use the !ast tensea lot$" said 9a!hod$ "=cos everything=s een done youknow+ 'i$ guys$" he called out to a neary !arty of giant

iguana lifeforms$ "'ow did you do>"

"s that 9a!hod &eelero.>" asked one iguana of anotheriguana+

" think so$" re!lied the second iguana+

"4ell doesn=t that 7ust take the iscuit$" said the first iguana+

",unny old thing$ life$" said the second iguana+

"t=s what you make of it$" said the first and they la!sed ackinto silence+ They were waiting for the greatest show inthe Universe+

"'ey$ 9a!hod$" said ,ord$ graing for his arm and$ onaccount of the third Pan Galactic Gargle &laster$missing+ 'e !ointed a swaying finger+



"There=s an old mate of mine$" he said$ "'otlack Desiato@)ee the man at the !latinum tale with the !latinum suiton>"

9a!hod tried to follow ,ord=s finger with his eyes ut it madehim feel di//y+ ,inally he saw+

"*h yeah$" he said$ then recognition came a moment later+"'ey$" he said$ "did that guy ever make it megaig@ 4ow$igger than the iggest thing ever+ *ther than me+"

"4ho=s he su!!osed to e>" asked Trillian+

"'otlack Desiato>" said 9a!hod in astonishment$ "you don=tknow>

ou never heard of Disaster Area>"

"?o$" said Trillian$ who hadn=t+

"The iggest$" said ,ord$ "loudest +++"

"Richest +++" suggested 9a!hod+

"+++ rock and in the history of +++" he searched for the word+

"+++ history itself$" said 9a!hod+

"?o$" said Trillian+

"9owee$" said 9a!hod$ "here we are at the End of the Universeand you haven=t even lived yet+ Did you miss out+"

'e led her off to where the waiter had een waiting all thistime at the tale+ Arthur followed them feeling very lost andalone+

,ord waded off through the throng to renew an oldac-uaintance+



"'ey$ er$ 'otlack$" he called out$ "how you doing> Great tosee you ig oy$ how=s the noise> ou=re looking great$really very$ very fat and unwell+ Ama/ing+" 'e sla!!ed theman on the ack and was mildly sur!rised that it seemed to

elict no res!onse+ The Pan Galactic Gargle &lastersswirling round inside him told him to !lunge onregardless+

"Rememer the old days>" he said$ "4e used to hang out$right> The &istro llegal$ rememer> )lim=s ThroatEm!orium> The Evildrome &oo/arama$ great days eh>"

'otlack Desiato offered no o!inion as to whether they weregreat days or not+ ,ord was not !ertured+

"And when we were hungry we=d !ose as !ulic healthins!ectors$ you rememer that> And go aroundconfiscating meals and drinks right> Till we got food!oisoning+ *h$ and then there were the long nights oftalking and drinking in those smelly rooms aove the 0afe%ou in Gretchen Town$ ?ew &etel$ and you were always in

the ne.t room trying to write songs on your a7uitar and weall hated them+ And you said you didn=t care$ and we saidwe did ecause we hated them so much+" ,ord=s eyeswere eginning to mist over+

"And you said you didn=t want to e a star$" he continued$wallowing in nostalgia$ "ecause you des!ised the starsystem+ And we said$ 'adra and )uli7oo and me$ that we

didn=t think you had the o!tion+ And what do you do now> ou uy star systems@"

'e turned and solicited the attention of those at neary tales+

"'ere$" he said$ "is a man who uys star systems@"

'otlack Desiato made no attem!t either to confirm or denythis fact$ and the attention of the tem!orary audience

waned ra!idly+



" think someone=s drunk$" muttered a !ur!le ush5like einginto his wine glass+

,ord staggered slightly$ and sat down heavily on the chair

facing 'otlack Desiato+

"4hat=s that numer you do>" he said$ unwisely graing ata ottle for su!!ort and ti!!ing it over 5 into a nearyglass as it ha!!ened+ ?ot to waste a ha!!y accident$ hedrained the glass+

"That really huge numer$" he continued$ "how does it go>&warm@ &warm@ &aderr@@= something$ and in the stage actyou do it ends u! with this shi! crashing right into the sun$and you actually do it@"

,ord crashed his fist into his other hand to illustrate this featgra!hically+ 'e knocked the ottle over again+

")hi!@ )un@ 4ham ang@" he cried+ " mean forget lasersand stuff$ you guys are into solar flares and real sunurn@

*h$ and terrile songs+"

'is eyes followed the stream of li-uid glugging out of theottle on to the tale+ )omething ought to e done aout it$he thought+

"'ey$ you want a drink>" he said+ t egan to sink into hiss-uelching mind that something was missing from thisreunion$ and that the missing something was in some wayconnected with the fact that the fat man sitting o!!ositehim in the !latinum suit and the silvery trily had not yetsaid "'i$ ,ord" or "Great to see you after all this time$" orin fact anything at all+ (ore to the !oint he had not yet evenmoved+

"'otlack>" said ,ord+



A large meaty hand landed on his shoulder from ehind and!ushed him aside+ 'e slid gracelessly off his seat and!eered u!wards to see if he could s!ot the owner of thisdiscourteous hand+ The owner was not hard to s!ot$ on

account of his eing something of the order of seven feettall and not slightly uilt with it+ n fact he was uilt theway one uilds leather sofas$ shiny$ lum!y and with lots ofsolid stuffing+ The suit into which the man=s ody hadeen stuffed looked as if it=s only !ur!ose in life was todemonstrate how difficult it was to get this sort of ody intoa suit+ The face had the te.ture of an orange and thecolour of an a!!le$ ut there the resemlance to anything

sweet ended+

"#id +++" said a voice which emerged from the man=s mouth asif it had een having a really rough time down in his chest+

"Er$ yeah>" said ,ord conversationally+ 'e staggered ack tohis feet again and was disa!!ointed that the to! of hishead didn=t come further u! the man=s ody+

"&eat it$" said the man+

"*h yeah>" said ,ord$ wondering how wise he was eing$"and who are you>"

The man considered this for a moment+ 'e wasn=t used toeing asked this sort of -uestion+ ?evertheless$ after awhile he came u! with an answer+

"=m the guy who=s telling you to eat it$" he said$ "efore youget it eaten for you+"

"?ow listen$" said ,ord nervously 5 he wished his head wouldsto!

s!inning$ settle down and get to gri!s with the situation 5"?ow



listen$" he continued$ " am one of 'otlack=s oldest friendsand

+++"

'e glanced at 'otlack Desiato$ who still hadn=t moved somuch as an eyelash+

"+++ and +++" said ,ord again$ wondering what would e agood word to say after "and"+

The large man came u! with a whole sentence to go after"and"+ 'e said it+

"And am (r Desiato=s odyguard$" it went$ "and amres!onsile for his ody$ and am not res!onsile foryours$ so take it away efore it gets damaged+"

"?ow wait a minute$" said ,ord+

"?o minutes@" oomed the odyguard$ "no waiting@ (rDesiato s!eaks to no one@"

"4ell !erha!s you=d let him say what he thinks aout thematter himself$" said ,ord+

"'e s!eaks to no one@" ellowed the odyguard+

,ord glanced an.iously at 'otlack again and was forced toadmit to himself that the odyguard seemed to have thefacts on his side+ There was still not the slightest sign ofmovement$ let alone keen interest in ,ord=s welfare+

"4hy>" said ,ord$ "4hat=s the matter with him>"

The odyguard told him+



0ha!ter 1H

The 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y notes that Disaster Area$a !lutonium rock and from the Gagrakacka (ind 9ones$are generally held to e not only the loudest rock and inthe Gala.y$ ut in fact the loudest noise of any kind at all+Regular concert goers 7udge that the est sound alance isusually to e heard from within large concrete unkerssome thirty5seven miles from the stage$ whilst themusicians themselves !lay their instruments y remotecontrol from within a heavily insulated s!aceshi! whichstays in orit around the !lanet 5 or more fre-uentlyaround a com!letely different !lanet+

Their songs are on the whole very sim!le and mostly follow

the familiar theme of oy5eing meets girl5eing eneatha silvery moon$ which then e.!lodes for no ade-uatelye.!lored reason+

(any worlds have now anned their act altogether$sometimes for artistic reasons$ ut most commonlyecause the and=s !ulic address system contraveneslocal strategic arms limitations treaties+

This has not$ however$ sto!!ed their earnings from !ushingack the oundaries of !ure hy!ermathematics$ and theirchief research accountant has recently een a!!ointedProfessor of ?eomathematics at the University of(a.imegalon$ in recognition of oth his General and his)!ecial Theories of Disaster Area Ta. Returns$ in which he!roves that the whole faric of the s!ace5time continuum isnot merely curved$ it is in fact totally ent+



,ord staggered ack to the tale where 9a!hod$ Arthurand Trillian were sitting waiting for the fun to egin+

"Gotta have some food$" said ,ord+

"'i$ ,ord$" said 9a!hod$ "you s!eak to the ig noise oy>"

,ord waggled his head noncommittally+

"'otlack> sort of s!oke to him$ yeah+"

"4hat=d he say>"

"4ell$ not a lot really+ 'e=s +++ er +++"

"eah>"

"'e=s s!ending a year dead for ta. reasons+ =ve got to sitdown+"

'e sat down+

The waiter a!!roached+

"4ould you like to see the menu>" he said$ "or would you liketo meet the Dish of the Day>"

"'uh>" said ,ord+

"'uh>" said Arthur+

"'uh>" said Trillian+

"That=s cool$" said 9a!hod$ "we=ll meet the meat+"

n a small room in one of the arms of the Restaurant com!le.a tall$ thin$ gangling figure !ulled aside a curtain andolivion looked him in the face+



t was not a !retty face$ !erha!s ecause olivion had lookedhim in it so many times+ t was too long for a start$ theeyes too sunken and too hooded$ the cheeks too hollow$his li!s were too thin and too long$ and when they !arted

his teeth looked too much like a recently !olished aywindow+ The hands that held the curtain were long andthin too2 they were also cold+ They lay lightly along thefolds of the curtain and gave the im!ression that if hedidn=t watch them like a hawk they would crawl away oftheir own accord and do something uns!eakale in acorner+

'e let the curtain dro! and the terrile light that had !layed onhis features went off to !lay somewhere more healthy+ 'e!rowled around his small chamer like a mantiscontem!lating an evening=s !reying$ finally settling on arickety chair y a trestle tale$ where he leafed through afew sheets of 7okes+

A ell rang+

'e !ushed the thin sheaf of !a!ers aside and stood u!+ 'ishands rushed lim!ly over some of the one millionrainow5coloured se-uins with which his 7acket wasfestooned$ and he was gone through the door+

n the Restaurant the lights dimmed$ the and -uickened its!ace$ a single s!otlight staed down into the darkness ofthe stairway that led u! to the centre of the stage+

U! the stairs ounded ounded a tall rilliantly colouredfigure+ 'e urst on to the stage$ tri!!ed lightly u! to themicro!hone$ removed it from its stand with one swoo! ofhis long thin hand and stood for a moment owing leftand right to the audience acknowledging their a!!lauseand dis!laying to them his ay window+ 'e waved tohis !articular friends in the audience even though thereweren=t any there$ and waited for the a!!lause to diedown+



'e held u! his hand and smiled a smile that stretched notmerely from ear to ear$ ut seemed to e.tend some wayeyond the mere confines of his face+

"Thank you ladies and gentlemen@" he cried$ "thank you verymuch+

Thank you so much+"

'e eyed them with a twinkling eye+

"%adies and gentlemen$" he said$ "The Universe as we know ithas now een in e.istence for over one hundred andseventy thousand million illion years and will e ending ina little over half an hour+ )o$ welcome one and all to(illiways$ the Restaurant at the End of the Universe@"

4ith a gesture he deftly con7ured another round ofs!ontaneous a!!lause+ 4ith another gesture he cut it+

" am your host for tonight$" he said$ "my name is (a.

6uordle!leen +++" ;Everyody knew this$ his act wasfamous throughout the known Gala.y$ ut he said it forthe fresh a!!lause it generated$ which he acknowledgedwith a disclaiming smile and wave+< "+++ and =ve 7ust comestraight from the very very other end of time$ where =veeen hosting a show at the &ig &ang &urger &ar 5 where can tell you we had a very e.citing evening ladies andgentlemen 5 and will e with you right through thishistoric occasion$ the End of 'istory itself@"

Another urst of a!!lause died away -uickly as the lightsdimmed down further+ *n every tale candles ignitedthemselves s!ontaneously$ eliciting a slight gas! from allthe diners and wreathing them in a thousand tinyflickering lights and a million intimate shadows+ A tremor ofe.citement thrilled through the darkened Restaurant asthe vast golden dome aove them egan very very slowly to

dim$ to darken$ to fade+



(a.=s voice was hushed as he continued+

")o$ ladies and gentlemen$" he reathed$ "the candles are lit$the and !lays softly$ and as the force5shielded dome

aove us fades into trans!arency$ revealing a dark andsullen sky hung heavy with the ancient light of lividswollen stars$ can see we=re all in for a faulous evening=sa!ocaly!se@"

Even the soft tootling of the and faded away as stunnedshock descended on all those who had not seen this sightefore+

A monstrous$ grisly light !oured in on them$

5 a hideous light$

5 a oiling$ !estilential light$

5 a light that would have disfigured hell+

The Universe was coming to an end+

,or a few interminale seconds the Restaurant s!ansilently through the raging void+ Then (a. s!oke again+

",or those of you who ever ho!ed to see the light at the endof the tunnel$" he said$ "this is it+"

The and struck u! again+

"Thank you$ ladies and gentlemen$" cried (a.$ "=ll e ackwith you again in 7ust a moment$ and meanwhile leave youin the very ca!ale hands of (r Reg ?ullify and hiscataclysmic 0omo+ &ig hand !lease ladies andgentlemen for Reg and the oys@"

The aleful turmoil of the skies continued+



'esitantly the audience egan to cla! and after a moment orso normal conversation resumed+ (a. egan his round ofthe tales$ swa!!ing 7okes$ shouting with laughter$ earninghis living+

A large dairy animal a!!roached 9a!hod &eelero.=s tale$a large fat meaty -uadru!ed of the ovine ty!e with largewatery eyes$ small horns and what might almost have eenan ingratiating smile on its li!s+

"Good evening$" it lowed and sat ack heavily on itshaunches$ " am the main Dish of the Day+ (ay interest

you in !arts of my ody>" t harrum!hed and gurgled ait$ wriggled its hind -uarters into a more comfortale!osition and ga/ed !eacefully at them+

ts ga/e was met y looks of startled ewilderment fromArthur and Trillian$ a resigned shrug from ,ord Prefect andnaked hunger from 9a!hod &eelero.+

")omething off the shoulder !erha!s>" suggested the

animal$ "&raised in a white wine sauce>"

"Er$ your shoulder>" said Arthur in a horrified whis!er+

"&ut naturally my shoulder$ sir$" mooed the animalcontentedly$ "noody else=s is mine to offer+"

9a!hod lea!t to his feet and started !rodding and feelingthe animal=s shoulder a!!reciatively+

"*r the rum! is very good$" murmured the animal+ "=veeen e.ercising it and eating !lenty of grain$ so there=s alot of good meat there+" t gave a mellow grunt$ gurgledagain and started to chew the cud+ t swallowed the cudagain+

"*r a casserole of me !erha!s>" it added+



"ou mean this animal actually wants us to eat it>"whis!ered Trillian to ,ord+

"(e>" said ,ord$ with a gla/ed look in his eyes$ " don=t

mean anything+"

"That=s asolutely horrile$" e.claimed Arthur$ "the mostrevolting thing =ve ever heard+"

"4hat=s the !rolem Earthman>" said 9a!hod$ nowtransferring his attention to the animal=s enormous rum!+

" 7ust don=t want to eat an animal that=s standing here invitingme to$" said Arthur$ "it=s heartless+"

"&etter than eating an animal that doesn=t want to e eaten$"said 9a!hod+

"That=s not the !oint$" Arthur !rotested+ Then he thoughtaout

it for a moment+ "Alright$" he said$ "maye it is the !oint+

don=t care$ =m not going to think aout it now+ =ll 7ust +++ er

+++"

The Universe raged aout him in its death throes+

" think =ll 7ust have a green salad$" he muttered+

"(ay urge you to consider my liver>" asked the animal$ "itmust e very rich and tender y now$ =ve een force5feeding myself for months+"

"A green salad$" said Arthur em!hatically+

"A green salad>" said the animal$ rolling his eyesdisa!!rovingly at Arthur+



"Are you going to tell me$" said Arthur$ "that shouldn=t havegreen salad>"

"4ell$" said the animal$ " know many vegetales that are

very clear on that !oint+ 4hich is why it was eventuallydecided to cut through the whole tangled !rolem andreed an animal that actually wanted to e eaten and wasca!ale of saying so clearly and distinctly+ And here am+"

t managed a very slight ow+

"Glass of water !lease$" said Arthur+

"%ook$" said 9a!hod$ "we want to eat$ we don=t want to makea meal of the issues+ ,our rare steaks !lease$ andhurry+ 4e haven=t eaten in five hundred and seventy5si.thousand million years+"

The animal staggered to its feet+ t gave a mellow gurgle+

"A very wise choice$ sir$ if may say so+ 3ery good$" it said$

"=ll 7ust ni! off and shoot myself+"

'e turned and gave a friendly wink to Arthur+

"Don=t worry$ sir$" he said$ "=ll e very humane+"

t waddled unhurriedly off into the kitchen+

A matter of minutes later the waiter arrived with four huge

steaming steaks+ 9a!hod and ,ord wolfed straight intothem without a second=s hesitation+ Trillian !aused$ thenshrugged and started into hers+

Arthur stared at his feeling slightly ill+

"'ey$ Earthman$" said 9a!hod with a malicious grin on theface that wasn=t stuffing itself$ "what=s eating you>"

And the and !layed on+



All around the Restaurant !eo!le and things rela.ed andchatted+ The air was filled with talk of this and that$ andwith the mingled scents of e.otic !lants$ e.travagant foodsand insidious wines+ ,or an infinite numer of miles in

every direction the universal cataclysm was gathering toa stu!efying clima.+ Glancing at his watch$ (a. returnedto the stage with a flourish+

"And now$ ladies and gentlemen$" he eamed$ "is everyonehaving one last wonderful time>"

"es$" called out the sort of !eo!le who call out "yes" when

comedians ask them if they=re having a wonderful time+

"That=s wonderful$" enthused (a.$ "asolutely wonderful+And as the !hoton storms gather in swirling crowdsaround us$ !re!aring to tear a!art the last of the red hotsuns$ know you=re all going to settle ack and en7oywith me what know we will find all an immensely e.citingand terminal e.!erience+"

'e !aused+ 'e caught the audience with a glittering eye+

"&elieve me$ ladies and gentlemen$" he said$ "there=snothing !enultimate aout this one+"

'e !aused again+ Tonight his timing was immaculate+ Timeafter time he had done this show$ night after night+ ?ot thatthe word night had any meaning here at the e.tremity oftime+ All there was was the endless re!etition of thefinal moment$ as the Restaurant rocked slowly forwardover the rink of time=s furthest edge 5 and ack again+This "night" was good though$ the audience was writhingin the !alm of his sickly hand+ 'is voice dro!!ed+ Theyhad to strain to hear him+



"This$" he said$ "really is the asolute end$ the final chillingdesolation$ in which the whole ma7estic swee! of creationecomes e.tinct+ This ladies and gentlemen is the!roverial it=+"

'e dro!!ed his voice still lower+ n the stillness$ a fly wouldnot have dared cleat its throat+

"After this$" he said$ "there is nothing+ 3oid+ Em!tiness+

*livion+ Asolute nothing +++"

'is eyes glittered again 5 or did they twinkle>"

"?othing +++ e.ce!t of course for the sweet trolley$ and a fineselection of Aldearan li-ueurs@"

The and gave him a musical sting+ 'e wished they wouldn=t$he didn=t need it$ not an artist of his calire+ 'e could !laythe audience like his own musical instrument+ They werelaughing with relief+ 'e followed on+

"And for once$" he cried cheerily$ "you don=t need to worryaout having a hangover in the morning 5 ecause therewon=t e any more mornings@"

'e eamed at his ha!!y$ laughing audience+ 'e glanced u! atthe sky$ going through the same dead routine everynight$ ut his glance was only for a fraction of a second+ 'etrusted it to do its 7o$ as one !rofessional trusts another+

"And now$" he said$ strutting aout the stage$ "at the risk of!utting a dam!er on the wonderful sense of doom andfutility here this evening$ would like to welcome a few!arties+"

'e !ulled a card from his !ocket+



"Do we have +++" he !ut u! a hand to hold ack the cheers$ "Dowe have a !arty here from the 9ansell-uasure ,lamarion&ridge 0lu from eyond the 3ortvoid of 6varne> Are theyhere>"

A rousing cheer came from the ack$ ut he !retended not tohear+

'e !eered around trying to find them+

"Are they here>" he asked again$ to elict a louder cheer+

'e got it$ as he always did+

"Ah$ there they are+ 4ell$ last ids lads 5 and no cheating$rememer this is a very solemn moment+"

'e la!!ed u! the laughter+

"And do we also have$ do we have +++ a !arty of minor deitiesfrom the 'alls of Asgard>"

Away to his right came a rumle of thunder+ %ightningarced across the stage+ A small grou! of hairy men withhelmets sat looking very !leased with themselves$ andraised their glasses to him+

'aseens$ he thought to himself+

"0areful with that hammer$ sir$" he said+

They did their trick with the lightning again+ (a. gave them avery thin li!!ed smile+

"And thirdly$" he said$ "thirdly a !arty of oung 0onservativesfrom )irius &$ are they here>"

A !arty of smartly dressed young dogs sto!!ed throwing rollsat each other and started throwing rolls at the stage+ They

ya!!ed and arked unintelligily+



"es$" said (a.$ "well this is all your fault$ you reali/e that>"

"And finally$" said (a.$ -uieting the audience down and!utting on his solemn face$ "finally elieve we have

with us here tonight$ a !arty of elievers$ very devoutelievers$ from the 0hurch of the )econd 0oming of theGreat Pro!het 9ar-uon+"

There were aout twenty of them$ sitting right out on the edgeof the floor$ ascetically dressed$ si!!ing mineral waternervously$ and staying a!art from the festivities+ Theylinked resentfully as the s!otlight was turned on them+

"There they are$" said (a.$ "sitting there$ !atiently+ 'e saidhe=d come again$ and he=s ke!t you waiting a long time$ solet=s ho!e he=s hurrying fellas$ ecause he=s only got eightminutes left@"

The !arty of 9ar-uon=s followers sat rigid$ refusing to euffeted y the waves of uncharitale laughter whichswe!t over them+

(a. restrained his audience+

"?o$ ut seriously though folks$ seriously though$ nooffence meant+ ?o$ know we shouldn=t make fun ofdee!ly held eliefs$ so think a ig hand !lease for theGreat Pro!het 9ar-uon +++"

The audience cla!!ed res!ectfully+

"+++ wherever he=s got to@"

'e lew a kiss to the stony5faced !arty and returned to thecentre of the stage+

'e graed a tall stool and sat on it+



"t=s marvellous though$" he rattled on$ "to see so many ofyou here tonight 5 no isn=t it though> es$ asolutelymarvellous+ &ecause know that so many of you comehere time and time again$ which think is really wonderful$

to come and watch this final end of everything$ and thenreturn home to your own eras +++ and raise families$ strivefor new and etter societies$ fight terrile wars for whatyou know to e right +++ it really gives one ho!e for thefuture of all lifekind+ E.ce!t of course$" he waved at thelit/ing turmoil aove and around them$ "that we know ithasn=t got one +++"

Arthur turned to ,ord 5 he hadn=t -uite got this !lace workedout in his mind+

"%ook$ surely$" he said$ "if the Universe is aout to end +++don=t we go with it>"

,ord gave him a three5Pan5Galactic5Gargle5&laster look$ inother words a rather unsteady one+

"?o$" he said$ "look$" he said$ "as soon as you come intothis dive you get held in this sort of ama/ing force5shieldedtem!oral war! thing+ think+"

"*h$" said Arthur+ 'e turned his attention ack to a owl ofsou! he=d managed to get from the waiter to re!lace hissteak+

"%ook$" said ,ord$ "=ll show you+"

'e graed at a na!kin off the tale and fumled ho!elesslywith it+

"%ook$" he said again$ "imagine this na!kin$ right$ as thetem!oral Universe$ right> And this s!oon as atransductional mode in the matter curve +++"

t took him a while to say this last !art$ and Arthur hated tointerru!t him+



"That=s the s!oon was eating with$" he said+

"Alright$" said ,ord$ "imagine this s!oon +++" he found a smallwooden s!oon on a tray of relishes$ "this s!oon +++" ut

found it rather tricky to !ick u!$ "no$ etter still this fork +++"

"'ey would you let go of my fork>" sna!!ed 9a!hod+

"Alright$" said ,ord$ "alright$ alright+ 4hy don=t we say +++ whydon=t we say that this wine glass is the tem!oralUniverse +++"

"4hat$ the one you=ve 7ust knocked on the floor>"

"Did do that>"

"es+"

"Alright$" said ,ord$ "forget that+ mean +++ mean$ look$ doyou know 5 do you know how the Universe actually eganfor a kick off>"

"Proaly not$" said Arthur$ who wished he=d neveremarked on any of this+

"Alright$" said ,ord$ "imagine this+ Right+ ou get this ath+

Right+ A large round ath+ And it=s made of eony+"

"4here from>" said Arthur$ "'arrods was destroyed y the

3ogons+"

"Doesn=t matter+"

")o you kee! saying+"

"%isten+"

"Alright+"



"ou get this ath$ see> magine you=ve got this ath+ And it=seony+ And it=s conical+"

"0onical>" said Arthur$ "4hat sort of +++"

")hhh@" said ,ord+ "t=s conical+ )o what you do is$ you see$you fill it with fine white sand$ alright> *r sugar+ ,ine whitesand$ andMor sugar+ Anything+ Doesn=t matter+ )ugar=s fine+And when it=s full$ you !ull the !lug out +++ are youlistening>"

"=m listening+"

"ou !ull the !lug out$ and it all 7ust twirls away$ twirls awayyou see$ out of the !lughole+"

" see+"

"ou don=t see+ ou don=t see at all+ haven=t got to the cleverit yet+ ou want to hear the clever it>"

"Tell me the clever it+"

"=ll tell you the clever it+"

,ord thought for a moment$ trying to rememer what theclever it was+

"The clever it$" he said$ "is this+ ou film it ha!!ening+"

"0lever+"

"That=s not the clever it+ This is the clever it$ rememernow that this is the clever it+ The clever it is that youthen thread the film in the !ro7ector +++ ackwards@"

"&ackwards>"



"es+ Threading it ackwards is definitely the clever it+ )othen$ you 7ust sit and watch it$ and everything 7ust a!!earsto s!iral u!wards out of the !lughole and fill the ath+)ee>"

"And that=s how the Universe egan is it>" said Arthur+

"?o$" said ,ord$ "ut it=s a marvellous way to rela.+"

'e reached for his wine glass+

"4here=s my wine glass>" he said+

"t=s on the floor+"

"Ah+"

Ti!!ing ack his chair to look for it$ ,ord collided with thesmall green waiter who was a!!roaching the talecarrying a !ortale tele!hone+

,ord e.cused himself to the waiter e.!laining that it wasecause he was e.tremely drunk+

The waiter said that that was -uite alright and that he !erfectlyunderstood+

,ord thanked the waiter for his kind indulgence$ attem!ted totug his forelock$ missed y si. inches and slid under thetale+

"(r 9a!hod &eelero.>" in-uired the waiter+

"Er$ yeah>" said 9a!hod$ glancing u! from his third steak+

"There is a !hone call for you+"

"'ey$ what>"

"A !hone call$ sir+"



",or me> 'ere> 'ey$ ut who knows where am>"

*ne of his minds raced+ The other dawdled lovingly over thefood it was still shovelling in+

"E.cuse me if carry on$ won=t you>" said his eating headand carried on+

There were now so many !eo!le after him he=d lost count+'e shouldn=t have made such a cons!icuous entrance+'ell$ why not though$ he thought+ 'ow do you know you=rehaving fun if there=s no one watching you have it>

"(aye someone here ti!!ed off the Galactic Police$"said Trillian+ "Everyone saw you come in+"

"ou mean they want to arrest me over the !hone>" said9a!hod$ "0ould e+ =m a !retty dangerous dude when =mconcerned+"

"eah$" said a voice from under the tale$ "you go to !ieces

so fast !eo!le get hit y the shra!nel+"

"'ey$ what is this$ Judgment Day>" sna!!ed 9a!hod+

"Do we get to see that as well>" asked Arthur nervously+

"=m in no hurry$" muttered 9a!hod$ "*#$ so who=s the cat onthe !hone>" 'e kicked ,ord+ "'ey get u! there$ kid$" hesaid to him$ " may need you+"

" am not$" said the waiter$ "!ersonally ac-uainted with themetal gentlemen in -uestion$ sir +++"

"(etal>"

"es$ sir+"

"Did you say metal>"



"es$ sir+ said that am not !ersonally ac-uainted with themetal gentleman in -uestion +++"

"*#$ carry on+"

"&ut am informed that he has een awaiting your return fora considerale numer of millennia+ t seems you left heresomewhat !reci!itately+"

"%eft here>" said 9a!hod$ "are you eing strange> 4e only 7ust arrived here+"

"ndeed$ sir$" !ersisted the waiter doggedly$ "ut efore youarrived here$ sir$ understand that you left here+"

9a!hod tried this in one rain$ then in the other+

"ou=re saying$" he said$ "that efore we arrived here$ we lefthere>"

This is going to e a long night$ thought the waiter+

"Precisely$ sir$" he said+

"Put your analyst on danger money$ ay$" advised 9a!hod+

"?o$ wait a minute$" said ,ord$ emerging aove tale levelagain$ "where e.actly is here>"

"To e asolutely e.act sir$ it is ,rogstar 4orld &+"

"&ut we 7ust left there$" !rotested 9a!hod$ "we left there andcame to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe+"

"es$ sir$" said the waiter$ feeling that he was now into thehome stretch and running well$ "the one was constructedon the ruins of the other+"

"*h$" said Arthur rightly$ "you mean we=ve travelled in time

ut not in s!ace+"



"%isten you semi5evolved simian$" cut in 9a!hod$ "go clim atree will you>"

Arthur ristled+

"Go ang your heads together four5eyes$" he advised 9a!hod+

"?o$ no$" the waiter said to 9a!hod$ "your monkey has gotit right$ sir+"

Arthur stuttered in fury and said nothing a!!osite$ or indeedcoherent+

"ou 7um!ed forward +++ elieve five hundred and seventy5si. thousand million years whilst staying in e.actly thesame !lace$" e.!lained the waiter+ 'e smiled+ 'e had awonderful feeling that he had finally won throughagainst what had seemed to e insu!erale odds+

"That=s it@" said 9a!hod$ " got it+ told the com!uter to sendus to the nearest !lace to eat$ that=s e.actly what it did+

Give or take five hundred and seventy5si. thousand millionyears$ we never moved+ ?eat+"

They all agreed this was very neat+

"&ut who$" said 9a!hod$ "is the cat on the !hone>"

"4hatever ha!!ened to (arvin>" said Trillian+

9a!hod cla!!ed his hands to his heads+

"The Paranoid Android@ left him mo!ing aout on ,rogstar&+"

"4hen was this>"

"4ell$ er$ five hundred and seventy5si. thousand millionyears ago su!!ose$" said 9a!hod$ "'ey$ er$ hand me the

ra!5rod$ Plate 0a!tain+"



The little waiter=s eyerows wandered aout his foreheadin confusion+

" eg your !ardon$ sir>" he said+

"The !hone$ waiter$" said 9a!hod$ graing it off him+ ")hee$you guys are so unhi! it=s a wonder your ums don=t falloff+"

"ndeed$ sir+"

"'ey$ (arvin$ is that you>" said 9a!hod into the !hone$ "'owyou doing$ kid>"

There was a long !ause efore a thin low voice came u! theline+

" think you ought to know =m feeling very de!ressed$" it said+

9a!hod cu!!ed his hands over the !hone+

"t=s (arvin$" he said+

"'ey$ (arvin$" he said into the !hone again$ "we=re havinga great time+ ,ood$ wine$ a little !ersonal ause and theUniverse going foom+ 4here can we find you>"

Again the !ause+

"ou don=t have to !retend to e interested in me you know$"

said (arvin at last$ " know !erfectly well =m only a menialroot+"

"*#$ *#$" said 9a!hod$ "ut where are you>"

"Reverse !rimary thrust$ (arvin$= that=s what they say to me$o!en airlock numer three$ (arvin+ (arvin$ can you !icku! that !iece of !a!er>= 0an !ick u! that !iece of !a!er@'ere am$ rain the si/e of a !lanet and they ask me to +++"

"eah$ yeah$" sym!athi/ed 9a!hod hardly at all+



"&ut =m -uite used to eing humiliated$" droned (arvin$ "can even go and stick my head in a ucket of water if youlike+ 4ould you like me to go and stick my head in a ucketof water> =ve got one ready+ 4ait a minute+"

"Er$ hey$ (arvin +++" interru!ted 9a!hod$ ut it was too late+

)ad little clunks and gurgles came u! the line+

"4hat=s he saying>" asked Trillian+

"?othing$" said 9a!hod$ "he 7ust !honed u! to wash his headat us+"

"There$" said (arvin$ coming ack on the line and uling ait$ " ho!e that gave satisfaction +++"

"eah$ yeah$" said 9a!hod$ "now will you !lease tell us whereyou are>"

"=m in the car !ark$" said (arvin+

"The car !ark>" said 9a!hod$ "what are you doing there>"

"Parking cars$ what else does one do in a car !ark>"

"*#$ hang in there$ we=ll e right down+"

n one movement 9a!hod lea!t to his feet$ threw down the!hone and wrote "'otlack Desiato" on the ill+

"0ome on guys$" he said$ "(arvin=s in the car !ark+ %et=s geton down+"

"4hat=s he doing in the car !ark>" asked Arthur+

"Parking cars$ what else> Dum dum+"

"&ut what aout the End of the Universe> 4e=ll miss the

ig moment+"



")oering him u!$" said 9a!hod and !ushed a coin into aslot+

%ights flashed$ gases swirled+

"'i$" said ,ord ste!!ing out a moment later$ "where arewe going>"

"Down to the car !ark$ come on+"

"4hat aout the !ersonnel Time Tele!orts>" said ,ord$ "Getus straight ack to the 'eart of Gold+"

"eah$ ut =ve cooled on that shi!+ 9arniwoo! can have it+ don=t want to !lay his games+ %et=s see what we can find+"

A )irius 0yernetics 0or!oration 'a!!y 3ertical Peo!leTrans!orter took them down dee! into the sustrataeneath the Restaurant+ They were glad to see it had eenvandali/ed and didn=t try to make them ha!!y as well astake them down+

At the ottom of the shaft the lift doors o!ened and a last ofcold stale air hit them+

The first thing they saw on leaving the lift was a long concretewall with over fifty doors in it offering lavatory facilities forall of fifty ma7or lifeforms+ ?evertheless$ like every car !arkin the Gala.y throughout the entire history of car !arks$this car !ark smelt !redominantly of im!atience+

They turned a corner and found themselves on a movingcatwalk that traversed a vast cavernous s!ace thatstretched off into the dim distance+

t was divided off into ays each of which contained a s!aceshi! elonging to one of the diners u!stairs$ somesmallish and utilitarian mass !roduction models$ others

vast shining limoshi!s$ the !laythings of the very rich+



9a!hod=s eyes s!arkled with something that may or may nothave een avarice as he !assed over them+ n fact it=sest to e clear on this !oint 5 avarice is definitely what itwas+

"There he is$" said Trillian$ "(arvin$ down there+"

They looked where she was !ointing+ Dimly they could see asmall metal figure listlessly ruing a small rag on oneremote corner of a giant silver suncruiser+

At short intervals along the moving catwalk$ widetrans!arent tues led down to floor level+ 9a!hodste!!ed off the catwalk into one and floated gentlydownwards+ The others followed+ Thinking ack to thislater$ Arthur Dent thought it was the single most en7oyalee.!erience of his travels in the Gala.y+

"'ey$ (arvin$" said 9a!hod striding over towards to him$"'ey$ kid$ are we !leased to see you+"

(arvin turned$ and in so far as it is !ossile for a totallyinert metal face to look re!roachfully$ this is what it did+

"?o you=re not$" he said$ "no one ever is+"

")uit yourself$" said 9a!hod and turned away to ogle theshi!s+

,ord went with him+

*nly Trillian and Arthur actually went u! to (arvin+

"?o$ really we are$" said Trillian and !atted him in a way thathe disliked intensely$ "hanging around waiting for us allthis time+"

",ive hundred and seventy5si. thousand million$ threethousand five hundred and seventy5nine years$" said(arvin$ " counted them+"



"4ell$ here we are now$" said Trillian$ felling 5 -uite correctlyin (arvin=s view 5 that it was a slightly foolish thing to say+

"The first ten million years were the worst$" said (arvin$ "and

the second ten million years$ they were the worst too+ Thethird million years didn=t en7oy at all+ After that went intoa it of decline+"

'e !aused 7ust long enough to make them feel they ought tosay something$ and then interru!ted+

"t=s the !eo!le you meet in this 7o that really get you down$"he said and !aused again+

Trillian cleared her throat+

"s that +++"

"The est conversation had was over forty million yearsago$" continued (arvin+

Again the !ause+

"*h d +++"

"And that was with a coffee machine+"

'e waited+

"That=s a +++"

"ou don=t like talking to me do you>" said (arvin in a lowdesolate tone+

Trillian talked to Arthur instead+

,urther down the chamer ,ord Prefect had foundsomething of which he very much liked the look$ severalsuch things in fact+



"9a!hod$" he said in a -uiet voice$ "7ust look at some ofthese little star trolleys +++"

9a!hod looked and liked+

The craft they were looking at was in fact !retty small ute.traordinary$ and very much a rich kid=s toy+ t was notmuch to look at+ t resemled nothing so much as a!a!er dart aout twenty feet long made of thin ut toughmetal foil+ At the rear end was a small hori/ontal two5mancock!it+ t had a tiny charm5drive engine$ which was notca!ale of moving it at any great s!eed+ The thing it did

have$ however$ was a heat5sink+

The heat5sink had a mass of some two thousand illion tonsand was contained within a lack hole mounted in anelectromagnetic field situated half5way along the length ofthe shi!$ and this heat5sink enaled the craft to emanoeuvred to within a few miles of a yellow sun$ there tocatch and ride the solar flares that urst out from itssurface+

,lare5riding is one of the most e.otic and e.hilarating s!ortsin e.istence$ and those who can dare and afford it areamongst the most lioni/ed men in the Gala.y+ t is alsoof course stu!efyingly dangerous 5 those who don=t dieriding invarialy die of se.ual e.haustion at one of theDaedalus 0lu=s A!res5,lare !arties+

,ord and 9a!hod looked and !assed on+

"And this ay$" said ,ord$ "the tangerine star uggy withthe lack sunusters +++"

Again$ the star uggy was a small shi! 5 a totally misnamedone in fact$ ecause the one thing it couldn=t managewas interstellar distances+ &asically it was a s!orty !lanetho!!er dolled u! to something it wasn=t+ ?ice lines though+

They !assed on+



The ne.t one was a ig one and thirty yards long 5 a coachuilt limoshi! and oviously designed with one aim inmind$ that of making the eholder sick with envy+ The!aintwork and accessory detail clearly said "?ot only

am rich enough to afford this shi!$ am also rich enoughnot to take it seriously+" t was wonderfully hideous+

"Just look at it$" said 9a!hod$ "multi5cluster -uark drive$!ers!ule. running oards+ Got to e a %a/lar %yriconcustom 7o+"

'e e.amined every inch+

"es$" he said$ "look$ the infra5!ink li/ard emlem on theneutrino cowling+ %a/lar=s trade mark+ The man has noshame+"

" was !assed y one of these mothers once$ out y theA.el ?eula$" said ,ord$ " was going flat out and thisthing 7ust strolled !ast me$ star drive hardly tickingover+ Just incredile+"

9a!hod whistled a!!reciatively+

"Ten seconds later"$ said ,ord$ "it smashed straight into thethird moon of Jaglan &eta+"

"eah$ right>"

"Ama/ing looking shi! though+ %ooks like a fish$ moves like

a fish$ steers like a cow+"

,ord looked round the other side+

"'ey$ come and see$" he called out$ "there=s a ig mural!ainted on this side+ A ursting sun 5 Disaster Area=s trademark+ This must e 'otlack=s shi!+ %ucky old ugger+ Theydo this terrile song you know which ends with a

stuntshi! crashing into the sun+ (eant to e an ama/ings!ectacle+ E.!ensive in stunt shi!s though+"



9a!hod=s attention however was elsewhere+ 'is attentionwas riveted on the shi! standing ne.t to 'otlack Desiato=slimo+ 'is mouths hung o!en+

"That$" he said$ "that +++ is really ad for the eyes +++"

,ord looked+ 'e too stood astonished+

t was a shi! of classic$ sim!le design$ like a flattened salmon$twenty yards long$ very clean$ very sleek+ There was 7ustone remarkale thing aout it+

"t=s so +++ lack@" said ,ord Prefect$ "you can hardly make outits sha!e +++ light 7ust seems to fall into it@"

9a!hod said nothing+ 'e had sim!ly fallen in love+

The lackness of it was so e.treme that it was almostim!ossile to tell how close you were standing to it+

"our eyes 7ust slide off it +++" said ,ord in wonder+ t was an

emotional moment+ 'e it his li!+

9a!hod moved forward to it$ slowly$ like a man !ossessed 5or more accurately like a man who wanted to !ossess+'is hand reached out to stroke it+ 'is hand sto!!ed+ 'ishand reached out to stroke it again+ 'is hand sto!!edagain+

"0ome and feel the surface$" he said in a hushed voice+

,ord !ut his hand out to feel it+ 'is hand sto!!ed+

"ou +++ you can=t +++" he said+

")ee>" said 9a!hod$ "it=s 7ust totally frictionless+ This must eone mother of a mover +++"

'e turned to look at ,ord seriously+ At least$ one of his heads

did 5 the other stayed ga/ing in awe at the shi!+



"4hat do you reckon$ ,ord>" he said+

"ou mean +++ er +++" ,ord looked over his shoulder+ "oumean stroll off with it> ou think we should>"

"?o+"

"?or do +"

"&ut we=re going to$ aren=t we>"

"'ow can we not>"

They ga/ed a little longer$ till 9a!hod suddenly !ulled himselftogether+

"4e etter shift soon$" he said+ "n a moment or so theUniverse will have ended and all the 0a!tain 0ree!s wille !ouring down here to find their ourge5moiles+"

"9a!hod$" said ,ord+

"eah>"

"'ow do we do it>"

")im!le$" said 9a!hod+ 'e turned+ "(arvin@" he called+

)lowly$ laoriously$ and with a million little clanking andcreaking noises that he had learned to simulate$ (arvinturned round to answer the summons+

"0ome on over here$" said 9a!hod$ "4e=ve got a 7o for you+"

(arvin trudged towards them+

" won=t en7oy it$" he said+

"es you will$" enthused 9a!hod$ "there=s a whole new life

stretching out ahead of you+"



"*h$ not another one$" groaned (arvin+

"4ill you shut u! and listen@" hissed 9a!hod$ "this timethere=s going to e e.citement and adventure and really

wild things+"

")ounds awful$" (arvin said+

"(arvin@ All =m trying to ask you +++"

" su!!ose you want me to o!en this s!aceshi! for you>"

"4hat> Er +++ yes+ eah$ that=s right$" said 9a!hod 7um!ily+ 'e

was kee!ing at least three eyes on the entrance+ Time wasshort+

"4ell wish you=d 7ust tell me rather than try to engage myenthusiasm$" said (arvin$ "ecause haven=t got one+"

'e walked on u! to the shi!$ touched it$ and a hatchwayswung o!en+

,ord and 9a!hod stared at the o!ening+

"Don=t mention it$" said (arvin$ "*h$ you didn=t+" 'e trudgedaway again+

Arthur and Trillian clustered round+

"4hat=s ha!!ening>" asked Arthur+

"%ook at this$" said ,ord$ "look at the interior of this shi!+"

"4eirder and weirder$" reathed 9a!hod+

"t=s lack$" said ,ord$ "Everything in it is 7ust totally lack

+++"



n the Restaurant$ things were fast a!!roaching the momentafter which there wouldn=t e any more moments+

All eyes were fi.ed on the dome$ other than those of

'otlack Desiato=s odyguard$ which were lookingintently at 'otlack Desiato$ and those of 'otlackDesiato himself which the odyguard had closed out ofres!ect+

The odyguard leaned forward over the tale+ 'ad 'otlackDesiato een alive$ he !roaly would have deemed this agood moment to lean ack$ or even go for a short walk+ 'is

odyguard was not a man which im!roved with !ro.imity+*n account of his unfortunate condition$ however$ 'otlackDesiato remained totally inert+

"(r Desiato$ sir>" whis!ered the odyguard+ 4henever hes!oke$ it looked as if the muscles on either side of hismouth were clamering over each other to get out of theway+

"(r Desiato> 0an you hear me>"

'otlack Desiato$ -uit naturally$ said nothing+

"'otlack>" hissed the odyguard+

Again$ -uite naturally$ 'otlack Desiato did not re!ly+

)u!ernaturally$ however$ he did+

*n the tale in front of him a wine glass rattled$ and a forkrose an inch or so and ta!!ed against the glass+ t settledon the tale again+

The odyguard gave a satisfied grunt+



"t=s time we get going$ (r Desiato$" muttered theodyguard$ "don=t want to get caught in the rush$ not inyour condition+ ou want to get to the ne.t gig nice andrela.ed+ There was a really ig audience for it+ *ne of the

est+ #akrafoon+ ,ive5hundred seventy5si. thousand andtwo million years ago+ 'ad you will have een lookingforward to it>"

The fork rose again$ waggled in a non5committal sort of wayand dro!!ed again+

"Ah$ come on$" said the odyguard$ "it=s going to have

een great+ ou knocked =em cold+" The odyguard wouldhave given Dr Dan )treetmentioner an a!o!lectic attack+

"The lack shi! going into the sun always gets =em$ and thenew one=s a eauty+ &e real sorry to see it go+ f we get ondown there$ =ll set the lack shi! auto!ilot and we=ll cruiseoff in the limo+ *#>"

The fork ta!!ed once in agreement$ and the glass of wine

mysteriously em!tied itself+

The odyguard wheeled 'otlack Desiato=s chair out ofthe Restaurant+

"And now$" cried (a. from the centre of the stage$ "themoment you=ve all een waiting for@" 'e flung his armsinto the air+ &ehind him$ the and went into a fren/y of!ercussion and rolling synthochords+ (a. had arguedwith them aout this ut they had claimed it was in theircontract that that=s what they would do+ 'is agent wouldhave to sort it out+

"The skies egin to oil@" he cried+ "?ature colla!ses into thescreaming void@ n twenty seconds= time$ the Universe itselfwill e at an end@ )ee where the light of infinity ursts inu!on us@"



The hideous fury of destruction la/ed aout them 5 and atthat moment a still small trum!et sounded as from aninfinite distance+ (a.=s eyes swivelled round to glare at theand+ ?one of them seemed to e !laying a trum!et+

)uddenly a wis! of smoke was swirling and shimmering onthe stage ne.t to him+ The trum!et was 7oined y moretrum!ets+ *ver five hundred times (a. had done this show$and nothing like this had ever ha!!ened efore+ 'e drewack in alarm from the swirling smoke$ and as he did so$ afigure slowly materiali/ed inside$ the figure of an ancientman$ earded$ roed and wreathed in light+ n his eyeswere stars and on his row a golden crown+

"4hat=s this>" whis!ered (a.$ wild5eyed$ "what=sha!!ening>"

At the ack of the Restaurant the stony5faced !arty from the0hurch of the )econd 0oming of the Great Pro!het9ar-uon lea!t ecstatically to their feet chanting and crying+

(a. linked in ama/ement+ 'e threw u! his arms to the

audience+

"A ig hand !lease$ ladies and gentlemen$" he hollered$ "forthe Great Pro!het 9ar-uon@ 'e has come@ 9ar-uon hascome again@"

Thunderous a!!lause roke out as (a. strode across thestage and handed his micro!hone to the Pro!het+

9ar-uon coughed+ 'e !eered round at the assemledgathering+ The stars in his eyes linked uneasily+ 'ehandled the micro!hone with confusion+

"Er +++" he said$ "hello+ Er$ look$ =m sorry =m a it late+ =vehad the most ghastly time$ all sorts of things cro!!ing u!at the last moment+"

'e seemed nervous of the e.!ectant awed hush+ 'e clearedhis throat+



"Er$ how are we for time>" he said$ "have 7ust got a min5"

And so the Universe ended+

0ha!ter 1L

*ne of the ma7or selling !oint of that wholly remarkaletravel ook$ the 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y$ a!artfrom its relative chea!ness and the fact that it has thewords Don=t Panic written in large friendly letters on itscover$ is its com!endious and occasionally accurateglossary+ The statistics relating to the geo5social nature ofthe Universe$ for instance$ are deftly set out etween !ages

nine hundred and thirty5eight thousand and twenty5fourand nine hundred and thirty5eight thousand and twenty5si.8 and the sim!listic style in which they are written is!artly e.!lained y the fact that the editors$ having to meeta !ulishing deadline$ co!ied the information off the ackof a !acket of reakfast cereal$ hastily emroidering it witha few footnoted in order to avoid !rosecution under theincom!rehensily tortuous Galactic 0o!yright laws+

t is interesting to note that a later and wilier editor sent theook ackwards in time through a tem!oral war!$ andthen successfully sued the reakfast cereal com!any forinfringement of the same laws+

'ere is a sam!le2

The Universe 5 some information to hel! you live in it+

1NArea2 nfinite+



The 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y offers this definition ofthe word "nfinite"+

nfinite2 &igger than the iggest thing ever and then some+

(uch igger than that in fact$ really ama/ingly immense$a totally stunning si/e$ "wow$ that=s ig"$ time+ nfinity is

7ust so ig that y com!arison$ igness itself looks reallytitchy+ Gigantic multi!lied y colossal multi!lied ystaggeringly huge is the sort of conce!t we=re trying toget across here+

:Nm!orts2 ?one+

t is im!ossile to im!ort things into an infinite area$ thereeing no outside to im!ort things in from+

BNE.!orts2 ?one+

)ee im!orts+

NPo!ulation2 ?one+

t is known that there are an infinite numer of worlds$ sim!lyecause there is an infinite amount of s!ace for them toe in+ 'owever$ not every one of them is inhaited+Therefore$ there must e a finite numer of inhaitedworlds+ Any finite numer divided y infinity is as near tonothing as makes no odds$ so the average !o!ulation ofall the !lanets in the Universe can e said to e /ero+ ,romthis it follows that the !o!ulation of the whole Universe isalso /ero$ and that any !eo!le you may meet from time totime are merely the !roducts of a derangedimagination+

FN(onetary Units2 ?one+



n fact there are three freely convertile currencies in theGala.y$ ut none of them count+ The Altairan Dollar hasrecently colla!sed$ the ,laninian Pole &ead is onlye.changeale for other ,laninian Pole &eads$ and the

Triganic Pu has its own very s!ecial !rolems+ ts e.changerate of eight ?ingis to one Pu is sim!le enough$ utsince a ?ingi is a triangular ruer coin si. thousand eighthundred miles across each side$ no one has evercollected enough to own one Pu+ ?ingis are notnegotiale currency ecause the Galactianks refuse todeal in fiddling small change+ ,rom this asic !remise it isvery sim!le to !rove that the Galactianks are also the

!roduct of a deranged imagination+

NArt2 ?one+

The function of art is to hold the mirror u! to nature$ and theresim!ly isn=t a mirror ig enough 5 see !oint one+

HN)e.2 ?one+

4ell$ in fact there is an awful lot of this$ largely ecause ofthe total lack of money$ trade$ anks$ art$ or anything elsethat might kee! all the non5e.istent !eo!le of the Universeoccu!ied+

'owever$ it is not worth emarking on a long discussion of itnow

ecause it really is terrily com!licated+ ,or further

information see Guide 0ha!ters seven$ nine$ ten$ eleven$

fourteen$ si.teen$ seventeen$ nineteen$ twenty5one to eighty5four inclusive$ and in fact most of the rest of the Guide+



0ha!ter :C

The Restaurant continued e.isting$ ut everything elsehad sto!!ed+ Tem!oral relastatics held it and !rotectedit in a nothingness that wasn=t merely a vacuum$ it wassim!ly nothing 5 there was nothing in which a vacuumcould e said to e.ist+

The force5shielded dome had once again een renderedo!a-ue$ the !arty was over$ the diners were leaving$9ar-uon had vanished along with the rest of the Universe$the Time Turines were !re!aring to !ull the Restaurantack across the rink of time in readiness for the lunchsitting$ and (a. 6uordle!leen was ack in his smallcurtained dressing room trying to raise his agent on thetem!o!hone+

n the car !ark stood the lack shi!$ closed and silent+

n to the car !ark came the late (r 'otlack Desiato$!ro!elled along the moving catwalk y his odyguard+

They descended one of the tues+ As they a!!roached thelimoshi! a hatchway swung down from its side$ engagedthe wheels of the wheelchair and drew it inside+ Theodyguard followed$ and having seen his oss safelyconnected u! to his death5su!!ort system$ moved u! to thesmall cock!it+ 'ere he o!erated the remote controlsystem which activated the auto!ilot in the lack shi!lying ne.t to the limo$ thus causing great relief to9a!hod &eelero. who had een trying to start the thingfor over ten minutes+



The lack shi! glided smoothly forward out of its ay$turned$ and moved down the central causeway swiftly and-uietly+ At the end it accelerated ra!idly$ flung itself into thetem!oral launch chamer and egan the long 7ourney ack

into the distant !ast+

The (illiways %unch (enu -uotes$ y !ermission$ a !assagefrom the 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y+ The !assage isthis2

The 'istory of every ma7or Galactic 0ivili/ation tends to !assthrough three distinct and recogni/ale !hases$ those

of )urvival$ n-uiry and )o!histication$ otherwise known asthe 'ow$ 4hy and 4here !hases+

,or instance$ the first !hase is characteri/ed y the -uestion"'ow can we eat>"$ the second y the -uestion "4hy dowe eat>" and the third y the -uestion$ "4here shall wehave lunch>"

The (enu goes on to suggest that (illiways$ the Restaurant at

the End of the Universe$ would e a very agreeale andso!histicated answer to that third -uestion+

4hat it doesn=t go on to say is that though it will usually takea large civili/ation many thousands of years to !assthrough the 'ow$ 4hy and 4here !hases$ small socialgrou!ings under stressful conditions can !ass throughthem with e.treme ra!idity+

"'ow are we doing>" said Arthur Dent+

"&adly$" said ,ord Prefect+

"4here are we going>" said Trillian+

" don=t know$" said 9a!hod &eelero.+

"4hy not>" demanded Arthur Dent+



")hut u!$" suggested 9a!hod &eelero. and ,ord Prefect+

"&asically$ what you=re trying to say$" said Arthur Dent$ignoring this suggestion$ "is that we=re out of control+"

The shi! was rocking and swaying sickeningly as ,ord and9a!hod tried to wrest control from the auto!ilot+ Theengined howled and whined like tired children in asu!ermarket+

"t=s the wild colour scheme that freaks me$" said 9a!hodwhose love affair with this shi! had lasted almost threeminutes into the flight$ "Every time you try to o!erate onof these weird lack controls that are laelled in lack ona lack ackground$ a little lack light lights u! lack to letyou know you=ve done it+ 4hat is this> )ome kind ofgalactic hy!erhearse>"

The walls of the swaying cain were also lack$ the ceilingwas lack$ the seats 5 which were rudimentary sincethe only im!ortant tri! this shi! was designed for was

su!!osed to e unmanned 5 were lack$ the control!anel was lack$ the instruments were lack$ the littlescrews that held them in !lace were lack$ the thin tuftednylon floor covering was lack$ and when they had lifted u!a corner of it they had discovered that the foam underlayalso was lack+

"Perha!s whoever designed it had eyes that res!onded to

different wavelengths$" offered Trillian+

"*r didn=t have much imagination$" muttered Arthur+

"Perha!s$" said (arvin$ "he was feeling very de!ressed+"

n fact$ though they weren=t to know it$ the decor had eenchosen in honour of its owner=s sad$ lamented$ and ta.5deductile condition+

The shi! gave a !articularly sickening lurch+



"Take it easy$" !leaded Arthur$ "you=re making me s!ace sick+"

"Time sick$" said ,ord$ "we=re !lummeting ackwardsthrough time+"

"Thank you$" said Arthur$ "now think really am going to eill+"

"Go ahead$" said 9a!hod$ "we could do with a little colouraout this !lace+"

"This is meant to e a !olite after5dinner conversation is it>"sna!!ed Arthur+

9a!hod left the controls for ,ord to figure out$ and lurchedover to Arthur+

"%ook$ Earthman$" he said angrily$ "you=ve got a 7o to do$right> The 6uestion to the Ultimate Answer$ right>"

"4hat$ that thing>" said Arthur$ " thought we=d forgotten

aout that+"

"?ot me$ ay+ %ike the mice said$ it=s worth a lot of money inthe right -uarters+ And it=s all locked u! in that head thingof yours+"

"es ut +++"

"&ut nothing@ Think aout it+ The (eaning of %ife@ 4e get

our fingers on that we can hold every shrink in theGala.y u! to ransom$ and that=s worth a undle+ owe minea mint+"

Arthur took a dee! reath without much enthusiasm+

"Alright$" he said$ "ut where do we start> 'ow should know> They say the Ultimate Answer or whatever is ,orty5two$ how am su!!osed to know what the -uestion is> t

could e anything+ mean$ what=s si. times seven>"



9a!hod looked at him hard for a moment+ Then his eyesla/ed with e.citement+

",orty5two@" he cried+

Arthur wi!ed his !alm across his forehead+

"es$" he said !atiently$" know that+"

9a!hod=s faces fell+

"=m 7ust saying that the -uestion could e anything at all$"said Arthur$ "and don=t see how am meant to know+"

"&ecause$" hissed 9a!hod$ "you were there when your !lanetdid the ig firework+"

"4e have a thing on Earth +++" egan Arthur+

"'ad$" corrected 9a!hod+

"+++ called tact+ *h never mind+ %ook$ 7ust don=t know+"

A low voice echoed dully round the cain+

" know$" said (arvin+

,ord called out from the controls he was still fighting a losingattle with+

")tay out of this (arvin$" he said$ "this is organism talk+"

"t=s !rinted in the Earthman=s rainwave !atterns$"continued (arvin$ "ut don=t su!!ose you=ll e veryinterested in knowing that+"

"ou mean$" said Arthur$ "you mean you can see into mymind>"

"es$" said (arvin+



Arthur stared in astonishment+

"And +++>" he said+

"t ama/es me how you can manage to live in anything thatsmall+"

"Ah$" said Arthur$ "ause+"

"es$" confirmed (arvin+

"Ah$ ignore him$" said 9a!hod$ "he=s only making it u!+"

"(aking it u!>" said (arvin$ swivelling his head in a !arodyof astonishment$ "4hy should want to make anything u!>%ife=s ad enough as it is without wanting to invent anymore of it+"

"(arvin$" said Trillian in the gentle$ kindly voice that only shewas still ca!ale of assuming in talking to thismisegotten creature$ "if you knew all along$ why then

didn=t you tell us>"

(arvin=s head swivelled ack to her+

"ou didn=t ask$" he said sim!ly+

"4ell$ we=re asking you now$ metal man$" said ,ord$ turninground to look at him+

At that moment the shi! suddenly sto!!ed rocking andswaying$ the engine !itch settled down to a gentle hum+

"'ey$ ,ord$" said 9a!hod$ "that sounds good+ 'ave youworked out the controls of this oat>"

"?o$" said ,ord$ " 7ust sto!!ed fiddling with them+ reckonwe 7ust go to wherever this shi! is going and get off it fast+"

"eah$ right$" said 9a!hod+



" could tell you weren=t really interested$" murmured (arvinto himself and slum!ed into a corner and switched himselfoff+

"Troule is$" said ,ord$ "that the one instrument in this whileshi! that is giving any reading is worrying me+ f it is what think it is$ and if it=s saying what think it=s saying$ thenwe=ve already gone too far ack into the !ast+ (aye asmuch as two million years efore our own time+"

9a!hod shrugged+

"Time is unk$" he said+

" wonder who this shi! elongs to anyway$" said Arthur+

"(e$" said 9a!hod+

"?o+ 4ho it really elongs to+"

"Really me$" insisted 9a!hod$ "look$ !ro!erty is theft$ right>

Therefore theft is !ro!erty+ Therefore this shi! is mine$ *#>"

"Tell the shi! that$" said Arthur+

9a!hod strode over to the console+

")hi!$" he said$ anging on the !anels$ "this is your newowner s!eaking to +++"

'e got no further+ )everal things ha!!ened at once+

The shi! dro!!ed out fo time travel mode and re5emerged intoreal s!ace+

All the controls on the console$ which had een shut down forthe time tri! now lit u!+



A large vision screen aove the console winked into liferevealing a wide starsca!e and a single very large sun deadahead of them+

?one of these things$ however$ were res!onsile for the factthat 9a!hod was at the same moment hurled odilyackwards against the rear of the cain$ as were all theothers+

They were hurled ack y a single thunderous cla! of noisethat thuddered out of the monitor s!eakers surroundingthe vision screen+

0ha!ter :1

Down on the dry$ red world of #akrafoon$ in the middle ofthe vast Rudlit Desert$ the stage technicians were testingthe sound system+

That is to say$ the sound system was in the desert$ not thestage technicians+ They had retreated to the safety ofDisaster Area=s giant control shi! which hung in orit some

four hundred miles aove the surface of the !lanet$ andthey were testing the sound system from there+ Anyonewithin five miles of the s!eaker silos wouldn=t havesurvived the tuning u!+



f Arthur Dent had een within five miles of the s!eaker silosthen his e.!iring thought would have een that in othsi/e and sha!e the sound rig closely resemled (anhattan+Risen out of the silos$ the neutron !hase s!eaker stacks

towered monstrously against the sky$ oscuring the anksof !lutonium reactors and seismic am!s ehind them+

&uried dee! in concrete unkers eneath the city of s!eakerslay the instruments that the musicians would control fromtheir shi!$ the massive !hoton5a7uitar$ the ass detonatorand the (egaang drum com!le.+

t was going to e a noisy show+

Aoard the giant control shi!$ all was activity and ustle+'otlack Desiato=s limoshi!$ a mere tad!ole eside it$had arrived and docked$ and the lamented gentlemanwas eing trans!orted down the high vaulted corridorsto meet the medium who was going to inter!ret his !sychicim!ulses on to the a7uitar keyoard+

A doctor$ a logician and a marine iologist had also 7ustarrived$ flown in at !henomenal e.!ense from(a.imegalon to try to reason with the lead singer who hadlocked himself in the athroom with a ottle of !ills andwas refusing to come out till it could e !rovedconclusively to him that he wasn=t a fish+ The ass !layerwas usy machine5gunning his edroom and the drummerwas nowhere on oard+

,rantic in-uiries led to the discovery that he was standing ona each on )antraginus 3 over a hundred light years awaywhere$ he claimed$ he had een ha!!y over half an hournow and had found a small stone that would e his friend+

The and=s manager was !rofoundly relieved+ t meant that forthe seventeenth time on this tour the drums would e!layed y a root and that therefore the timing of the

cymalistics would e right+



The su5ether was u//ing with the communications of thestage technicians testing the s!eaker channels$ and this itwas that was eing relayed to the interior of the lack shi!+

ts da/ed occu!ants lay against the ack wall of the cain$and listened to the voices on the monitor s!eakers+

"*#$ channel nine on !ower$" said a voice$ "testingchannel fifteen +++"

Another thum!ing crack of noise wallo!ed through the shi!+

"0hannel fifteen A*#$" said another voice+

A third voice cut in+

"The lack stunt shi! is now in !osition$" it said$ "it=s lookinggood+ Gonna e a great sundive+ )tage com!uter on line>"

A com!uter voice answered+

"*n line$" it said+

"Take control of the lack shi!+"

"&lack shi! locked into tra7ectory !rogramme$ on standy+"

"Testing channel twenty+"

9a!hod lea!ed across the cain and switched fre-uencies onthe su5ether receiver efore the ne.t mind5!ulveri/ingnoise hit them+ 'e stood there -uivering+

"4hat$" said Trillian in a small -uiet voice$ "does sundivemean>"

"t means$" said (arvin$ "that the shi! os going to dive intothe sun+ )un +++ Dive+ t=s very sim!le to understand+ 4hatdo you e.!ect if you steal 'otlack Desiato=s stunt shi!>"



"'ow do you know +++" said 9a!hod in a voice that wouldmake a 3egan snow li/ard feel chilly$ "that this is 'otlackDesiato=s stuntshi!>"

")im!le$" said (arvin$ " !arked it for him+"

"The why +++ didn=t +++ you +++ tell us@"

"ou said you wanted e.citement and adventure and reallywild things+"

"This is awful$" said Arthur unnecessarily in the !ausewhich followed+

"That=s what said$" confirmed (arvin+

*n a different fre-uency$ the su5ether receiver had !icked u!a !ulic roadcast$ which now echoed round the cain+

"+++ fine weather for the concert here this afternoon+ =mstanding here in front of the stage$" the re!orter lied$ "in

the middle of the Rudlit Desert$ and with the aid ofhy!erino!tic glasses can 7ust aout make out thehuge audience cowering there on the hori/on all aroundme+ &ehind me the s!eaker stacks rise like a sheer cliffface$ and high aove me the sun is shining away anddoesn=t know what=s going to hit it+ Theenvironmentalist loy do know what=s going to hit it$ andthey claim that the concert will cause earth-uakes$ tidalwaves$ hurricanes$ irre!arale damage to theatmos!here$ and all the usual things that environmentalistsusually go on aout+

"&ut =ve 7ust had a re!ort that a re!resentative of DisasterArea met with the environmentalists at lunchtime$ andhad them all shot$ so nothing now lies in the way of +++"

9a!hod switched it off+ 'e turned to ,ord+

"ou know what =m thinking>" he said+



" think so$" said ,ord+

"Tell me what you think =m thinking+"

" think you=re thinking it=s time we get off this shi!+"

" think you=re right$" said 9a!hod+

" think you=re right$" said ,ord+

"'ow>" said Arthur+

"6uiet$" said ,ord and 9a!hod$ "we=re thinking+"

")o this is it$" said Arthur$ "we=re going to die+"

" wish you=d sto! saying that$" said ,ord+

t is worth re!eating at this !oint the theories that ,ord hadcome u! with$ on his first encounter with humaneings$ to account for their !eculiar hait of continuallystating and restating the very very ovious$ as it =t=s a

nice day$" or "ou=re very tall$" or ")o this is it$ we=re goingto die+"

'is first theory was that if human eings didn=t kee!e.ercising their li!s$ their mouths !roaly sei/ed u!+

After a few months of oservation he had come u! with asecond theory$ which was this 5 "f human eings don=t

kee! e.ercising their li!s$ their rains start working+"

n fact$ this second theory is more literally true of the&elceron !eo!le of #akrafoon+

The &elceron !eo!le used to cause great resentmentand insecurity amongst neighoring races y eing oneof the most enlightened$ accom!lished$ and aove all -uietcivili/ations in the Gala.y+



As a !unishment for this ehaviour$ which was held to eoffensively self righteous and !rovocative$ a GalacticTriunal inflicted on them that most cruel of all socialdiseases$ tele!athy+ 0onse-uently$ in order to !revent

themselves roadcasting every slightest thought thatcrossed their minds to anyone within a five mile radius$they now have to talk very loudly and continuously aoutthe weather$ their little aches and !ains$ the match thisafternoon and what a noisy !lace #akrafoon had suddenlyecome+

Another method of tem!orarily lotting out their minds is to

!lay host to a Disaster Area concert+

The timing of the concert was critical+

The shi! had to egin its dive efore the concert egan inorder to hit the sun si. minutes and thirty5seven secondsefore the clima. of the song to which it related$ so that thelight of the solar flares had time to travel out to #akrafoon+

The shi! had already een diving for several minutes y thetime that ,ord Prefect had com!leted his search of theother com!artments of the lack shi!+ 'e urst ack intothe cain+

The sun of #akrafoon loomed terrifyingly large on thevision screen$ its la/ing white inferno of fusinghydrogen nuclei growing moment y moment as the shi!

!lunged onwards$ unheeding the thum!ing and angingof 9a!hod=s hands on the control !anel+ Arthur and Trillianhad the fi.ed e.!ressions of raits on a night roadwho think that the est way of dealing witha!!roaching headlights is to stare them out+

9a!hod s!an round$ wild5eyed+

",ord$" he said$ "how many esca!e ca!sules are there>"

"?one$" said ,ord+



9a!hod giered+

"Did you count them>" he yelled+

"Twice$" said ,ord$ "did you manage to raise the stage crewon the radio>"

"eah$" said 9a!hod$ itterly$ " said there were a wholeunch of !eo!le on oard$ and they said to say hi= toeveryody+"

,ord goggled+

"Didn=t you tell them who we were>"

"*h yeah+ They said it was a great honour+ That andsomething aout a restaurant ill and my e.ecutors+"

,ord !ushed Arthur aside and leaned forward over thecontrol console+

"Does none of this function>" he said savagely+

"All overridden+"

")mash the auto!ilot+"

",ind it first+ ?othing connects+"

There was a moment=s cold silence+

Arthur was stumling round the ack of the cain+ 'esto!!ed suddenly+

"ncidentally$" he said$ "what does tele!ort mean>"

Another moment !assed+

)lowly$ the others turned to face him+



"Proaly the wrong moment to ask$" said Arthur$ "t=s 7ust rememer hearing you use the word a short while agoand only ring it u! ecause +++"

"4here$" said ,ord Prefect -uietly$ "does it say tele!ort>"

"4ell$ 7ust over here in fact$" said Arthur$ !ointing at a darkcontrol o. in the rear of the cain$ "Just under theword emergency=$ aove the word system= and eside thesign saying out of order=+"

n the !andemonium that instantly followed$ the only actionto follow was that of ,ord Prefect lunging across the cainto the small lack o. that Arthur had indicated andstaing re!eatedly at the single small lack utton set intoit+

A si.5foot s-uare !anel slid o!en eside it revealing acom!artment which resemled a multi!le shower unit thathad found a new function in life as an electrician=s 7unkstore+ 'alf5finished wiring hung from the ceiling$ a

7umle of aandoned com!onents lay strewn on the floor$and the !rogramming !anel lolled out of the cavity inthe wall into which it should have een secured+



A 7unior Disaster Area accountant$ visiting the shi!yardwhere this shi! was eing constructed$ had demandedto know of the works foreman why the hell they werefitting an e.tremely e.!ensive tele!ort into a shi!

which only had one im!ortant 7ourney to make$ and thatunmanned+ The foreman had e.!lained that the tele!ortwas availale at a ten !er cent discount and the accountanthad e.!lained that this was immaterial8 the foremanhad e.!lained that it was the finest$ most !owerful andso!histicated tele!ort that money could uy and theaccountant had e.!lained that the money did not wish touy it8 the foreman had e.!lained that !eo!le would still

need to enter and leave the shi! and the accountant hade.!lained that the shi! s!orted a !erfectly servicealedoor8 the foreman had e.!lained that the accountantcould go and oil his head and the accountant hade.!lained to the foreman that the thing a!!roaching himra!idly from his left was a knuckle sandwich+ After thee.!lanations had een concluded$ work was discontinuedon the tele!ort which suse-uently !assed unnoticed on

the invoice as ")und+ e.!lns+" at five times the !rice+

"'ell=s donkeys$" muttered 9a!hod as he and ,ordattem!ted to sort through the tangle of wiring+

After a moment or so ,ord told him to stand ack+ 'e tosseda coin into the tele!ort and 7iggled a switch on thelolling control !anel+ 4ith a crackle and s!it of light$the coin vanished+

"That much of it works$" said ,ord$ "however$ there is noguidance system+ A matter transference tele!ort withoutguidance !rogramming could !ut you +++ well$ anywhere+"

The sun of #akrafoon loomed huge on the screen+

"4ho cares$" said 9a!hod$ "we go where we go+"



"And$" said ,ord$ "there is no autosystem+ 4e couldn=t allgo+

)omeone would have to stay and o!erate it+"

A solemn moment shuffled !ast+ The sun loomed larger andlarger+

"'ey$ (arvin kid$" said 9a!hod rightly$ "how you doing>"

"3ery adly sus!ect$" muttered (arvin+

A shortish while later$ the concert on #akrafoon reached

an une.!ected clima.+

The lack shi! with its single morose occu!ant had !lungedon schedule into the nuclear furnace of the sun+(assive solar flares licked out from it millions of miles intos!ace$ thrilling and in a few cases s!illing the do/en or so,lare Riders who had een coasting close to the surface ofthe sun in antici!ation of the moment+

(oments efore the flare light reached #akrafoon the!ounding desert cracked along a dee! faultline+ A hugeand hitherto undetected underground river lying fareneath the surface gushed to the surface to e followedseconds later y the eru!tion of millions of tons of oilinglava that flowed hundreds of feet into the air$instantaneously va!ori/ing the river oth aove and elowthe surface in an e.!losion that echoed to the far side ofthe world and ack again+

Those 5 very few 5 who witnessed the event and survivedswear that the whole hundred thousand s-uare miles ofthe desert rose into the air like a mile5thick !ancake$ fli!!editself over and fell ack down+ At that !recise moment thesolar radiation from the flares filtered through the cloudsof va!ori/ed water and struck the ground+



A year later$ the hundred thousand s-uare mile desert wasthick with flowers+ The structure of the atmos!herearound the !lanet was sutly altered+ The sun la/ed lessharshly in the summer$ the cold it less itterly in the

winter$ !leasant rain fell more often$ and slowly thedesert world of #akrafoon ecame a !aradise+ Even thetele!athic !ower with which the !eo!le of #akrafoon hadeen cursed was !ermanently dis!ersed y the force of thee.!losion+

A s!okesman for Disaster Area 5 the one who had had allthe environmentalists shot 5 was later -uoted as saying

that it had een "a good gig"+

(any !eo!le s!oke movingly of the healing !owers of music+A few sce!tical scientists e.amined the records of theevents more closely$ and claimed that they had discoveredfaint vestiges of a vast artificially induced m!roaility,ield drifting in from a neary region of s!ace+

0ha!ter ::

Arthur woke u! and instantly regretted it+ 'angovers he=dhad$ ut never anything on this scale+ This was it$ this wasthe ig one$ this was the ultimate !its+ (atter transferenceeams$ he decided$ were not as much fun as$ say$ a goodsolid kick in the head+



&eing for the moment unwilling to move on account of adull stom!ing thro he was e.!eriencing$ he lay a whileand thought+ The troule with most forms of trans!ort$he thought$ is asically one of them not eing worth all

the other+ *n Earth 5 when there had een an Earth$ eforeit was demolished to make way for a new hy!ers!acey!ass 5 the !rolem had een with cars+ Thedisadvantages involved in !ulling lots of lack sticky slimefrom out of the ground where it had een safely hiddenout of harm=s way$ turning it into tar to cover the land with$smoke to fill the air with and !ouring the rest into the sea$all seemed to outweigh the advantages of eing ale to get

more -uickly from one !lace to another 5 !articularly whenthe !lace you arrived at had !roaly ecome$ as a result ofthis$ very similar to the !lace you had left$ i+e+ coveredwith tar$ full of smoke and short of fish+

And what aout matter transference eams> Any form oftrans!ort which involved tearing you a!art atom y atom$flinging those atoms through the su5ether$ and then

7amming them ack together again 7ust when they weregetting their first taste of freedom for years had to e adnews+

(any !eo!le had thought e.actly this efore Arthur Dent andhad even gone to the lengths of writing songs aout it+'ere is one that used regularly to e chanted y hugecrowds outside the )irius 0yernetics 0or!orationTele!ort )ystems factory on 'a!!i54erld 2

Aldearan=s great$ *#$

Algol=s !retty neat$

&etelgeuse=s !retty girls$

4ill knock you off your feet+

They=ll do anything you like$



Real fast and then real slow$

&ut if you have to take me a!art to get me there$

Then don=t want to go+

)inging$

Take me a!art$ take me a!art$

4hat a way to roam$

And if you have to take me a!art to get me there$

=d rather stay at home+

)irius is !aved with gold

)o =ve heard it said

&y nuts who then go on to say

")ee Tau efore you=re dead+"

=ll gladly take the high road

*r even take the low$

&ut if you have to take me a!art to get me there$

Then $ for one$ won=t go+

)inging$

Take me a!art$ take me a!art$ ou must e off your head$

And if you try to take me a!art to get me there$



=ll stay right here in ed+

tele!orted home one night$

4ith Ron and )id and (eg$

Ron stole (eggie=s heart away$

And got )idney=s leg+

Arthur felt the waves of !ain slowly receding$ though he

was still aware of a dull stom!ing thro+ )lowly$ carefully$he stood u!+

"0an you hear a dull stom!ing thro>" said ,ord Prefect+

Arthur s!an round and woled uncertainly+ ,ord Prefectwas a!!roaching looking red eyed and !asty+

"4here are we>" gas!ed Arthur+

,ord looked around+ They were standing in a long curvingcorridor which stretched out of sight in oth directions+The outer steel wall 5 which was !ainted in that sickly shadeof !ale green which they use in schools$ hos!itals andmental asylums to kee! the inmates sudued 5 curved overthe to!s of their heads where it met the inner!er!endicular wall which$ oddly enough was covered in

dark rown hessian wall weave+ The floor was of darkgreen ried ruer+

,ord moved over to a very thick dark trans!arent !anel set inthe outer wall+ t was several layers dee!$ yet through it hecould see !in!oints of distant stars+

" think we=re in a s!aceshi! of some kind$" he said+

Down the corridor came the sound of a dull stom!ing thro+



"Trillian>" called Arthur nervously$ "9a!hod>"

,ord shrugged+

"?owhere aout$" he said$ "=ve looked+ They could eanywhere+ An un!rogrammed tele!ort can throw youlight years in any direction+ Judging y the way feel should think we=ve travelled a very long way indeed+"

"'ow do you feel>"

"&ad+"

"Do you think they=re +++"

"4here they are$ how they are$ there=s no way we can knowand no way we can do anything aout it+ Do what do+"

"4hat>"

"Don=t think aout it+"

Arthur turned this thought over in his mind$ reluctantly sawthe wisdom of it$ tucked it u! and !ut it away+ 'e took adee! reath+

",ootste!s@" e.claimed ,ord suddenly+

"4here>"

"That noise+ That stom!ing thro+ Pounding feet+ %isten@"

Arthur listened+ The noise echoed round the corridor at themfrom an indeterminate distance+ t was the muffled soundof !ounding footste!s$ and it was noticealy louder+

"%et=s move$" said ,ord shar!ly+ They oth moved 5 ino!!osite directions+

"?ot that way$" said ,ord$ "that=s where they=re coming from+"



"?o it=s not$" said Arthur$ "They=re coming from that way+"

"They=re not$ they=re +++"

They oth sto!!ed+ They oth turned+ They oth listenedintently+ They oth agreed with each other+ They oth setoff into o!!osite directions again+

,ear gri!!ed them+

,rom oth directions the noise was getting louder+

A few yards to their left another corridor ran at right angles to

the inner wall+ They ran to it and hurried along it+ t wasdark$ immensely long and$ as they !assed down it$ gavethem the im!ression that it was getting colder and colder+*ther corridors gave off it to the left and right$ each verydark and each su7ecting them to shar! lasts of icy air asthey !assed+

They sto!!ed for a moment in alarm+ The further down the

corridor they went$ the louder ecame the sound of!ounding feet+



They !ressed themselves ack against the cold wall andlistened furiously+ The cold$ the dark and the drummingof disemodied feet was getting to them adly+ ,ordshivered$ !artly with the cold$ ut !artly with the memory

of stories his favourite mother used to tell him when he wasa mere sli! of a &etelgeusian$ ankle high to an Arcturan(egagrassho!!er2 stories of dead shi!s$ haunted hulksthat roamed restlessly round the oscurer regions ofdee! s!ace infested with demons or the ghosts offorgotten crews8 stories too of incautious travellers whofound and entered such shi!s8 stories of +++ 5 then ,ordrememered the rown hessian wall weave in the first

corridor and !ulled himself together+ 'owever ghostsand demons may choose to decorate their death hulks$ hethought to himself$ he would lay any money you liked itwasn=t with hessian wall weave+ 'e gras!ed Arthur y thearm+

"&ack the way we came$" he said firmly and they started toretrace their ste!s+

A moment later they lea! like startled li/ards down thenearest corridor 7unction as the owners of the drummingfeet suddenly hove into view directly in front of them+

'idden ehind the corner they goggled in ama/ement asaout two do/en overweight men and women !ounded!ast them in track suits !anting and whee/ing in a mannerthat would make a heart surgeon gier+

,ord Prefect stared after them+

"Joggers@" he hissed$ as the sound of their feet echoed awayu! and down the network of corridors+

"Joggers>" whis!ered Arthur Dent+

"Joggers$" said ,ord !refect with a shrug+



The corridor they were concealed in was not like the others+t was very short$ and ended at a large steel door+ ,orde.amined it$ discovered the o!ening mechanism and!ushed it wide+

The first thing that hit their eyes was what a!!eared to e acoffin+

And the ne.t four thousand nine hundred and ninety5ninethings that hit their eyes were also coffins+

0ha!ter :B

The vault was low ceilinged$ dimly lit and gigantic+ At the farend$ aout three hundred yards away an archway letthrough to what a!!eared to e a similar chamer$ similarlyoccu!ied+

,ord Prefect let out a low whistle as he ste!!ed down on tothe floor of the vault+

"4ild$" he said+

"4hat=s so great aout dead !eo!le>" asked Arthur$nervously ste!!ing down after him+

"Dunno$" said ,ord$ "%et=s find out shall we>"



*n closer ins!ection the coffins seemed to e more likesarco!hagi+ They stood aout waist high and wereconstructed of what a!!eared to e white marle$ which isalmost certainly what it was 5 something that only

a!!eared to e white marle+ The to!s were semi5translucent$ and through them could dimly e !erceivedthe features of their late and !resumaly lamentedoccu!ants+ They were humanoid$ and had clearly left thetroules of whatever world it was they came from farehind them$ ut eyond that little else could e discerned+

Rolling slowly round the floor etween the sarco!hagi was

a heavy$ oily white gas which Arthur at first thoughtmight e there to give the !lace a little atmos!here until hediscovered that it also fro/e his ankles+ The sarco!hagi toowere intensely cold to the touch+

,ord suddenly crouched down eside one of them+ 'e!ulled a corner of his towel out of his satchel andstarted to ru furiously at something+

"%ook$ there=s a !la-ue on this one$" he e.!lained to Arthur$"t=s frosted over+"

'e rued the frost clear and e.amined the engravedcharacters+ To Arthur they looked like the foot!rints of as!ider that had had one too many of whatever it is thats!iders have on a night out$ ut ,ord instantlyrecogni/ed an early form of Galactic Ee/eereed+

"t says Golgafrincham Ark ,leet$ )hi! &$ 'old )even$Tele!hone )aniti/er )econd 0lass= 5 and a serial numer+"

"A tele!hone saniti/er>" said Arthur$ "a dead tele!honesaniti/er>"

"&est kind+"

"&ut what=s he doing here>"



,ord !eered through the to! at the figure within+

"?ot a lot$" he said$ and suddenly flashed one of those grinsof his which always made !eo!le think he=d een

overdoing things recently and should try to get some rest+

'e scam!ered over to another sarco!hagus+ A moment=s risktowel work and he announced2

"This one=s a dead hairdresser+ 'oo!y@"

The ne.t sarco!hagus revealed itself to e the last resting!lace of an advertising account e.ecutive8 the one after thatcontained a second5hand car salesman$ third class+

An ins!ection hatch let into the floor suddenly caught,ord=s attention$ and he s-uatted down to unfasten it$thrashing away at the clouds of free/ing gas that threatenedto envelo!e him+

A thought occurred to Arthur+

"f these are 7ust coffins$" he said$ "4hy are they ke!t socold>"

"*r$ indeed$ why are they ke!t anyway$" said ,ord tuggingthe hatchway o!en+ The gas !oured down through it+"4hy in fact is anyone going to all the troule ande.!ense of carting five thousand dead odies throughs!ace>"

"Ten thousand$" said Arthur$ !ointing at the archwaythrough which the ne.t chamer was dimly visile+

,ord stuck his head down through the floor hatchway+ 'elooked u! again+

",ifteen thousand$" he said$ "there=s another lot down there+"

",ifteen million$" said a voice+



"That=s a lot$" said ,ord$ "A lot a lot+"

"Turn around slowly$" arked the voice$ "and !ut your handsu!+

Any other move and last you into tiny tiny its+"

"'ello>" said ,ord$ turning round slowly$ !utting his handsu! and not making any other move+

"4hy$" said Arthur Dent$ "isn=t anyone ever !leased to seeus>"

)tanding silhouetted in the doorway through which theyhad entered the vault was the man who wasn=t !leased tosee them+ 'is dis!leasure was communicated !artly ythe arking hectoring -uality of his voice and !artly ythe viciousness with which he waved a long silver #ill5*59a! gun at them+ The designer of the gun had clearly noteen instructed to eat aout the ush+ "(ake it evil$" he=deen told+ "(ake it totally clear that this gun has a right

end and a wrong end+ (ake it totally clear to anyonestanding at the wrong end that things are going adly forthem+ f that means sticking all sort of s!ikes and!rongs and lackened its all over it then so e it+ This isnot a gun for hanging over the fire!lace or sticking in theumrella stand$ it is a gun for going out and making !eo!lemiserale with+"

,ord and Arthur looked at the gun unha!!ily+

The man with the gun moved from the door and circled roundthem+ As he came into the light they could see his lackand gold uniform on which the uttons were so highly!olished that they shone with an intensity that wouldhave made an a!!roaching motorist flash his lights inannoyance+

'e gestured at the door+



"*ut$" he said+ Peo!le who can su!!ly that amount of fire!ower don=t need to su!!ly vers as well+ ,ord andArthur went out$ closely followed y the wrong end of the#ill5*59a! gun and the uttons+

Turning into the corridor they were 7ostled y twenty5fouroncoming 7oggers$ now showered and changed$ whoswe!t on !ast them into the vault+ Arthur turned to watchthem in confusion+

"(ove@" screamed their ca!tor+

Arthur moved+

,ord shrugged and moved+

n the vault the 7oggers went to twenty5four em!tysarco!hagi along the side wall$ o!ened them$ climedin$ and fell into twenty5four dreamless slee!s+

0ha!ter :

"Er$ ca!tain +++"

"es$ ?umer *ne>"

"Just heard a sort of re!ort thingy from ?umer Two+"

"*h$ dear+"



'igh u! in the ridge of the shi!$ the 0a!tain stared out intothe infinite reaches of s!ace with mild irritation+ ,romwhere he reclined eneath a wide domed ule he couldsee efore and aove them the vast !anorama of stars

through which they were moving 5 a !anorama that hadthinned out noticaly during the course of the voyage+Turning and looking ackwards$ over the vast two5mile ulkof the shi! he could see the far denser mass of starsehind them which seemed to form almost a solid and+This was the view through the Galactic centre from whichthey were travelling$ and indeed had een travelling foryears$ at a s!eed that he couldn=t -uite rememer at the

moment$ ut he knew it was terrily fast+ t wassomething a!!roaching the s!eed of something or other$ orwas it three times the s!eed of something else> Jollyim!ressive anyway+ 'e !eered into the right distanceehind the shi!$ looking for something+ 'e did this everyfew minutes or so$ ut never found what he was lookingfor+ 'e didn=t let it worry him though+ The scientist cha!shad een very insistent that everything was going to

e !erfectly alright !roviding noody !anicked andeveryody got on and did their it in an orderly fashion+

'e wasn=t !anicking+ As far as he was concerned everythingwas going s!lendidly+ 'e daed at his shoulder with alarge frothy s!onge+ t cre!t ack into his mind that he wasfeeling mildly irritated aout something+ ?ow what was allthat aout> A slight cough alerted him to the fact that theshi!=s first officer was still standing neary+



?ice cha!$ ?umer *ne+ ?ot of the very rightest$ had theodd s!ot of difficulty doing u! his shoe laces$ ut 7ollygood officer material for all that+ The 0a!tain wasn=t a manto kick a cha! when he was ending over trying to do u!

his shoe laces$ however long it took him+ ?ot like thatghastly ?umer Two$ strutting aout all over the !lace$!olishing his uttons$ issuing re!orts every hour2 ")hi!=sstill moving$ 0a!tain+" ")till on course$ 0a!tain+""*.ygen levels still eing maintained$ 0a!tain+" "Give it amiss$" was the 0a!tain=s vote+ Ah yes$ that was thething that had een irritating him+ 'e !eered down at?umer *ne+

"es$ 0a!tain$ he was shouting something or other aouthaving found some !risoners +++"

The 0a!tain thought aout this+ )eemed !retty unlikely tohim$ ut he wasn=t one to stand in his officers= way+

"4ell$ !erha!s that=ll kee! him ha!!y for a it$" he said$ "'e=salways wanted some+"

,ord Prefect and Arthur Dent trudged onwards u! theshi!=s a!!arently endless corridors+ ?umer Twomarched ehind them arking the occasional order aoutnot making any false moves or trying any funny stuff+They seemed to have !assed at least a mile of continuousrown hessian wall weave+ ,inally they reached a largesteel door which slid o!en when ?umer Two shouted at it+

They entered+



To the eyes of ,ord Prefect and Arthur Dent$ the mostremarkale thing aout the shi!=s ridge was not the fiftyfoot diameter hemis!herical dome which covered it$ andthrough which the da//ling dis!lay of stars shone down

on them2 to !eo!le who have eaten at the Restaurant at theEnd of the Universe$ such wonders are common!lace+ ?orwas it the ewildering array of instruments that crowdedthe long circumferential wall around them+ To Arthur thiswas e.actly what s!aceshi!s were traditionally su!!osedto look like$ and to ,ord it looked thoroughlyanti-uated2 it confirmed his sus!icions that Disaster Area=sstuntshi! had taken them ack at least a million$ if not two

million$ years efore their own time+

?o$ the thing that really caught them off alance was the ath+

The ath stood on a si. foot !edestal of rough hewn luewater crystal and was of a aro-ue monstrosity not oftenseen outside the (a.imegalon (useum of Diseasedmaginings+ An intestinal 7umle of !luming had een!icked out in gold leaf rather than decently uried atmidnight in an unmarked grave8 the ta!s and showerattachment would have made a gargoyle 7um!+

As the dominant centre!iece of a starshi! ridge it wasterrily wrong$ and it was with the emittered air of a manwho knew this that ?umer Two a!!roached it+

"0a!tain$ sir@" he shouted through clenched teeth 5 a difficult

trick ut he=d had years during which to !erfect it+

A large genial face and a genial foam covered arm !o!!ed u!aove the rim of the monstrous ath+

"Ah$ hello$ ?umer Two$" said the 0a!tain$ waving acheery s!onge$ "having a nice day>"

?umer Two sna!!ed even further to attention than he already

was+



" have rought you the !risoners located in free/er ayseven$ sir@" he ya!!ed+

,ord and Arthur coughed in confusion+

"Er +++ hello$" they said+

The 0a!tain eamed at them+ )o ?umer Two had reallyfound some !risoners+ 4ell$ good for him$ thought the0a!tain$ nice to see a cha! doing what he=s est at+

"*h$ hello there$" he said to them$ "E.cuse me not gettingu!$ having a -uick ath+ 4ell$ 7ynnan tonny. all round then+%ook in the fridge ?umer one+"

"0ertainly sir+"

t is a curious fact$ and one to which no one knows -uitehow much im!ortance to attach$ that something like KFOof all known worlds in the Gala.y$ e they !rimitive orhighly advanced$ have invented a drink called 7ynnan

tonny.$ or gee5?=?5T=?5i.$ or 7inond5o5nicks$ or any one of athousand or more variations on the same !honetictheme+ The drinks themselves are not the same$ and varyetween the )ivolvian "chinantoMmnigs" which is ordinarywater server at slightly aove room tem!erature$ andthe Gagrakackan "t/7in5anthony5ks" which kills cows at ahundred !aces8 and in fact the one common factoretween all of them$ eyond the fact that the names soundthe same$ is that they were all invented and named eforethe worlds concerned made contact with any other worlds+



4hat can e made of this fact> t e.ists in total isolation+ Asfar as any theory of structural linguistics is concerned itis right off the gra!h$ and yet it !ersists+ *ld structurallinguists get very angry when young structural linguists

go on aout it+ oung structural linguists get dee!ly e.citedaout it and stay u! late at night convinced that they arevery close to something of !rofound im!ortance$ andend u! ecoming old structural linguists efore theirtime$ getting very angry with the young ones+ )tructurallinguistics is a itterly divided and unha!!y disci!line$ anda large numer of its !ractitioners s!end too many nightsdrowning their !rolems in *uisghian 9odahs+

?umer Two stood efore the 0a!tain=s athtu tremlingwith frustration+

"Don=t you want to interrogate the !risoners sir>" he s-uealed+

The 0a!tain !eered at him in emusement+

"4hy on Golgafrincham should want to do that>" he asked+

"To get information out of them$ sir@ To find out why theycame here@"

"*h no$ no$ no$" said the 0a!tain$ " e.!ect they 7ust dro!!edin for a -uick 7ynnan tonny.$ don=t you>"

"&ut sir$ they=re my !risoners@ must interrogate them@"

The 0a!tain looked at them doutfully+

"*h all right$" he said$ "if you must+ Ask them what they wantto drink+"

A hard cold gleam came into ?umer Two=s eyes+ 'e advancedslowly on ,ord Prefect and Arthur Dent+

"All right$ you scum$" he growled$ "you vermin +++" 'e 7aed ,ord with the #ill5*59a! gun+



")teady on$ ?umer Two$" admonished the 0a!tain gently+

"4hat do you want to drink@@@" ?umer Two screamed+

"4ell the 7ynnan tonny. sounds very nice to me$" said ,ord$"4hat aout you Arthur>"

Arthur linked+

"4hat> *h$ er$ yes$" he said+

"4ith ice or without>" ellowed ?umer Two+

"*h$ with !lease$" said ,ord+

"%emon>>@@"

"es !lease$" said ,ord$ "and do you have any of those littleiscuits> ou know$ the cheesy ones>"

"=m asking the -uestions@@@@" howled ?umer Two$ hisody -uaking with a!o!lectic fury+

"Er$ ?umer Two +++" said the 0a!tain softly+

")ir>@"

"Push off$ would you$ there=s a good cha!+ =m trying to havea rela.ing ath+"

?umer Two=s eyes narrowed and ecame what are knownin the )houting and #illing Peo!le trade as cold slits$the idea !resumaly eing to give your o!!onent theim!ression that you have lost your glasses or are havingdifficulty kee!ing awake+ 4hy this is frightening is an$ asyet$ unresolved !rolem+



'e advanced on the ca!tain$ his ;?umer Two=s< mouth a thinhard line+ Again$ tricky to know why this is understood asfighting ehaviour+ f$ whilst wandering through the 7ungleof Traal$ you were suddenly to come u!on the faled

Ravenous &uglatter &east$ you would have reason to egrateful if its mouth was a thin hard line rather than$ as itusually is$ a ga!ing mass of slavering fangs+

"(ay remind you sir$" hissed ?umer Two at the 0a!tain$"that you have now een in that ath for over three years>@"This final shot delivered$ ?umer Two s!un on his heel andstalked off to a corner to !ractise darting eye movements

in the mirror+

The 0a!tain s-uirmed in his ath+ 'e gave ,ord Prefect alame smile+

"4ell you need to rela. a lot in a 7o like mine$" he said+

,ord slowly lowered his hands+ t !rovoked no reaction+Arthur lowered his+

Treading very slowly and carefully$ ,ord moved over to theath !edestal+ 'e !atted it+

"?ice$" he lied+

'e wondered if it was safe to grin+ 3ery slowly and carefully$he grinned+ t was safe+

"Er +++" he said to the 0a!tain+

"es>" said the 0a!tain+

" wonder$" said ,ord$ "could ask you actually what your 7ois in fact>"

A hand ta!!ed him on the shoulder+ 'e s!an round+

t was the first officer+



"our drinks$" he said+

"Ah$ thank you$" said ,ord+ 'e and Arthur took their 7ynnantonny.+ Arthur si!!ed his$ and was sur!rised to

discover it tasted very like a whisky and soda+

" mean$ couldn=t hel! noticing$" said ,ord$ also taking a si!$"the odies+ n the hold+"

"&odies>" said the 0a!tain in sur!rise+

,ord !aused and thought to himself+ ?ever take anythingfor granted$ he thought+ 0ould it e that the 0a!taindoesn=t know he=s got fifteen million dead odies on hisshi!>

The 0a!tain was nodding cheerfully at him+ 'e also a!!earedto e !laying with a ruer duck+

,ord looked around+ ?umer Two was staring at him in themirror$ ut only for an instant2 his eyes were constantly

on the move+ The first officer was 7ust standing thereholding the drinks tray and smiling enignly+

"&odies>" said the 0a!tain again+

,ord licked his li!s+

"es$" he said$ "All those dead tele!hone saniti/ers andaccount e.ecutives$ you know$ down in the hold+"

The 0a!tain stared at him+ )uddenly he threw ack his headand laughed+

"*h they=re not dead$" he said$ "Good %ord no$ no they=refro/en+

They=re going to e revived+"

,ord did something he very rarely did+ 'e linked+



Arthur seemed to come out of a trance+

"ou mean you=ve got a hold full of fro/en hairdressers>"he said+

"*h yes$" said the 0a!tain$ "(illions of them+ 'airdressers$tired T3 !roducers$ insurance salesmen$ !ersonnelofficers$ security guards$ !ulic relations e.ecutives$management consultants$ you name them+ 4e=re goingto coloni/e another !lanet+"

,ord woled very slightly+

"E.citing isn=t it>" said the 0a!tain+

"4hat$ with that lot>" said Arthur+

"Ah$ now don=t misunderstand me$" said the 0a!tain$ "we=re 7ust one of the shi!s in the Ark ,leet+ 4e=re the &= Arkyou see+ )orry$ could 7ust ask you to run a it more hotwater for me>"

Arthur oliged$ and a cascade of !ink frothy water swirledaround the ath+ The 0a!tain let out a sigh of !leasure+

"Thank you so much my dear fellow+ Do hel! yourselves tomore drinks of course+"

,ord tossed down his drink$ took the ottle from the firstofficer=s tray and refilled his glass to the to!+

"4hat$" he said$ "is a &= Ark>"

"This is$" said the 0a!tain$ and swished the foamy wateraround 7oyfully with the duck+

"es$" said ,ord$ "ut +++"



"4ell what ha!!ened you see was$" said the 0a!tain$ "our!lanet$ the world from which we have come$ was$ so tos!eak$ doomed+"

"Doomed>"

"*h yes+ )o what everyone thought was$ let=s !ack thewhole !o!ulation into some giant s!aceshi!s and goand settle on another !lanet+"

'aving told this much of his story$ he settled ack with asatisfied grunt+

"ou mean a less doomed one>" !romoted Arthur+

"4hat did you say dear fellow>"

"A less doomed !lanet+ ou were going to settle on+"

"Are going to settle on$ yes+ )o it was decided to uild threeshi!s$ you see$ three Arks in )!ace$ and +++ =m not oring

you am >"

"?o$ no$" said ,ord firmly$ "it=s fascinating+"

"ou know it=s delightful$" reflected the 0a!tain$ "to havesomeone else to talk to for a change+"

?umer Two=s eyes darted feverishly aout the room againand then settled ack on the mirror$ like a !air of flies

riefly distracted from their favourite !rey of months oldmeat+

"Troule with a long 7ourney like this$" continued the 0a!tain$"is that you end u! 7ust talking to yourself a lot$ whichgets terrily oring ecause half the time you know whatyou=re going to say ne.t+"

"*nly half the time>" asked Arthur in sur!rise+



The 0a!tain thought for a moment+

"es$ aout half =d say+ Anyway 5 where=s the soa!>" 'efished around and found it+

"es$ so anyway$" he resumed$ "the idea was that into thefirst shi!$ the A= shi!$ would go all the rilliant leaders$the scientists$ the great artists$ you know$ all the achievers8and into the third$ or 0= shi!$ would go all the !eo!le whodid the actual work$ who made things and did things$ andthen into the &= shi! 5 that=s us 5 would go everyone else$the middlemen you see+"

'e smiled ha!!ily at them+

"And we were sent off first$" he concluded$ and hummed alittle athing tune+

The little athing tune$ which had een com!osed for him yone of his world=s most e.citing and !rolific 7ingle writer;who was currently aslee! in hold thirty5si. some nine

hundred yards ehind them< covered what wouldotherwise have een an awkward moment of silence+ ,ordand Arthur shuffled their feet and furiously avoided eachother=s eyes+

"Er +++" said Arthur after a moment$ "what e.actly was it thatwas wrong with your !lanet then>"

"*h$ it was doomed$ as said$" said the 0a!tain$ "A!!arentlyit was going to crash into the sun or something+ *rmaye it was that the moon was going to crash into us+)omething of the kind+ Asolutely terrifying !ros!ectwhatever it was+"

"*h$" said the first officer suddenly$ " thought it was that the!lanet was going to e invaded y a gigantic swarm oftwelve foot !iranha ees+ 4asn=t that it>"



?umer Two s!an around$ eyes ala/e with a cold hard lightthat only comes with the amount of !ractise he was!re!ared to !ut in+

"That=s not what was told@" he hissed$ "(y commandingofficer told me that the entire !lanet was in imminentdanger of eing eaten y an enormous mutant star goat@"

"*h really +++" said ,ord Prefect+

"es@ A monstrous creature from the !it of hell with scythingteeth ten thousand miles long$ reath that would oiloceans$ claws that could tear continents from their roots$a thousand eyes that urned like the sun$ slavering 7awsa million miles across$ a monster such as you have never +++never +++ ever +++"

"And they made sure they sent you lot off first did they>"in-uired Arthur+

"*h yes$" said the 0a!tain$ "well everyone said$ very nicely

thought$ that it was very im!ortant for morale to feel thatthey would e arriving on a !lanet where they could e sureof a good haircut and where the !hones were clean+"

"*h yes$" agreed ,ord$ " can see that would e veryim!ortant+

And the other shi!s$ er +++ they followed on after you did they>"

,or a moment the 0a!tain did not answer+ 'e twisted round inhis ath and ga/ed ackwards over the huge ulk of theshi! towards the right galactic centre+ 'e s-uinted intothe inconceivale distance+

"Ah+ 4ell it=s funny you should say that$" he said andallowed himself a slight frown at ,ord Prefect$ "ecausecuriously enough we haven=t heard a !ee! out of them

since we left five years ago +++ ut they must e ehind ussomewhere+"



'e !eered off into the distance again+

,ord !eered with him and gave a thoughtful frown+

"Unless of course$" he said softly$ "they were eaten y thegoat

+++"

"Ah yes +++" said the 0a!tain with a slight hesitancy cree!inginto his voice$ "the goat +++" 'is eyes !assed over the

solid sha!es of the instruments and com!uters that linedthe ridge+ They winked away innocently at him+ 'estared out at the stars$ ut none of them said a word+ 'eglanced at his first and second officers$ ut they seemedlost in their own thoughts for a moment+ 'e glanced at,ord Prefect who raised his eyerows at him+

"t=s a funny thing you know$" said the 0a!tain at last$ "ut

now that actually come to tell the story to someone else +++ mean does it strike you as odd ?umer Two>"

"Errrrrrrrrrrr +++" said ?umer Two+

"4ell$" said ,ord$ " can see that you=ve got a lot of thingsyou=re going to talk aout$ so$ thanks for the drinks$ and ifyou could sort of dro! us off at the nearest convenient!lanet +++"

"Ah$ well that=s a little difficult you see$" said the 0a!tain$"ecause our tra7ectory thingy was !reset efore weleft Golgafrincham$ think !artly ecause =m not verygood with figures +++"

"ou mean we=re stuck here on this shi!>" e.claimed ,ordsuddenly losing !atience with the whole charade$ "4hen

are you meant to e reaching this !lanet you=re meant to ecoloni/ing>"



"*h$ we=re nearly there think$" said the 0a!tain$ "anysecond now+ t=s !roaly time was getting out of thisath in fact+ *h$ don=t know though$ why sto! 7ust when=m en7oying it>"

")o we=re actually going to land in a minute>"

"4ell not so much land$ in fact$ not actually land as such$ no+++ er +++"

"4hat are you talking aout>" said ,ord shar!ly+

"4ell$" said the 0a!tain$ !icking his way through thewords carefully$ " think as far as can rememer we were!rogrammed to crash on it+"

"0rash>" shouted ,ord and Arthur+

"Er$ yes$" said the 0a!tain$ "yes$ it=s all !art of the !lan

think+ There was a terrily good reason for it which can=t

-uite rememer at the moment+ t was something to with +++er

+++"

,ord e.!loded+

"ou=re a load of useless loody loonies@" he shouted+

"Ah yes$ that was it$" eamed the 0a!tain$ "that was thereason+"



0ha!ter :F

The 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y has this to say aoutthe !lanet of Golgafrincham2 t is a !lanet with anancient and mysterious history$ rich in legend$ red$ andoccasionally green with the lood of those who sought intimes gone y to con-uer her8 a land of !arched and arrenlandsca!es$ of sweet and sultry air heady with the scentof the !erfumed s!rings that trickle over its hot and dustyrocks and nourish the dark and musty lichens

eneath8 a land of fevered rows and into.icatedimaginings$ !articularly amongst those who taste thelichens8 a land also of cool and shaded thoughtsamongst those who have learnt to forswear the lichens andfind a tree to sit eneath8 a land also of steel and loodand heroism8 a land of the ody and of the s!irit+ This wasits history+

And in all this ancient and mysterious history$ the most

mysterious figures of all were without dout those of theGreat 0ircling Poets of Arium+ These 0ircling Poets usedto live in remote mountain !asses where they would liein wait for small ands of unwary travellers$ circle roundthem$ and throw rocks at them+

And when the travellers cried out$ saying why didn=t they goaway and get on with writing some !oems instead of

!estering !eo!le with all this rock5throwing usiness$ theywould suddenly sto!$ and then reak into one of theseven hundred and ninety5four great )ong 0ycles of3assilian+ These songs were all of e.traordinary eauty$and even more e.traordinary length$ and all fell into e.actlythe same !attern+



The first !art of each song would tell how there once wentforth from the 0ity of 3assilian a !arty of five sage !rinceswith four horses+ The !rinces$ who are of course rave$nole and wise$ travel widely in distant lands$ fought giant

ogres$ !ursue e.otic !hiloso!hies$ take tea with weirdgods and rescue eautiful monsters from ravening!rincesses efore finally announcing that they haveachieved enlightenment and that their wanderings aretherefore accom!lished+

The second$ and much longer$ !art of each song would thentell of all their ickerings aout which one of them is going

to have to walk ack+

All this lay in the !lanet=s remote !ast+ t was$ however$ adescendant of one of these eccentric !oets whoinvented the s!urious tales of im!ending doom whichenaled the !eo!le of Golgafrincham to rid themselvesof an entire useless third of their !o!ulation+ The other two5thirds stayed firmly at home and lived full$ rich andha!!y lives until they were all suddenly wi!ed out y avirulent disease contracted from a dirty tele!hone+

0ha!ter :

That night the shi! crash5landed on to an utterly insignificantlittle green5lue !lanet which circled a small unregardedyellow sun in the uncharted ackwaters of theunfashionale end of the 4estern s!iral arm of the Gala.y+



n the hours !receding the crash ,ord Prefect had foughtfuriously ut in vain to unlock the controls of the shi!from their !re5ordained flight !ath+ t had -uickly ecomea!!arent to him that the shi! had een !rogrammed to

convey its !ayload safely$ in uncomfortaly$ to its newhome ut to cri!!le itself eyond re!air in the !rocess+

ts screaming$ la/ing descent through the atmos!herehad stri!!ed away most of its su!erstructure and outershielding$ and its final inglorious ellyflo! into a murkyswam! had left its crew only a few hours of darknessduring which to revive and offload its dee!5fro/en and

unwanted cargo for the shi! egan to settle almost atonce$ slowly u!ending its gigantic ulk in the stagnantslime+ *nce or twice during the night it was starklysilhouetted against the sky as urning meteors 5 thedetritus of its descent 5 flashed across the sky+

n the grey !re5dawn light it let out an oscene roaring gurgleand sank for ever into the stinking de!ths+

4hen the sun came u! that morning it shed its thin waterylight over a vast area heaving with wailinghairdressers$ !ulic relations e.ecutives$ o!inion !ollstersand the rest$ all clawing their way des!erately to dry land+

A less strong minded sun would !roaly have gone straightack down again$ ut it continued to clim its way throughthe sky and after a while the influence of its warming rays

egan to have some restoring effect on the feelystruggling creatures+

0ountless numers had$ unsur!risingly$ een lost to theswam! in the night$ and millions more had een suckeddown with the shi!$ ut those that survived still numeredhundreds of thousands and as the day wore on theycrawled out over the surrounding countryside$ eachlooking for a few s-uare feet of solid ground on which tocolla!se and recover from their nightmare ordeal+



Two figures moved further afield+

,rom a neary hillside ,ord Prefect and Arthur Dent watchedthe horror of which they could not feel a !art+

",ilthy dirty trick to !ull$" muttered Arthur+

,ord scra!ed a stick along the ground and shrugged+

"An imaginative solution to a !rolem =d have thought$" hesaid+

"4hy can=t !eo!le 7ust learn to live together in !eace and

harmony>" said Arthur+

,ord gave a loud$ very hollow laugh+

",orty5two@" he said with a malicious grin$ "?o$ doesn=twork+

?ever mind+"

Arthur looked at him as if he=d gone mad and$ seeing nothingto indicate the contrary$ reali/ed that it would e!erfectly reasonale to assume that this had in factha!!ened+

"4hat do you think will ha!!en to them all>" he said after awhile+

"n an infinite Universe anything can ha!!en$" said ,ord$"Even survival+ )trange ut true+"

A curious look came into his eyes as they !assed over thelandsca!e and then settles again on the scene of miseryelow them+

" think they=ll manage for a while$" he said+

Arthur looked u! shar!ly+



"4hy do you say that>" he said+

,ord shrugged+

"Just a hunch$" he said$ and refused to e drawn to anyfurther -uestions+

"%ook$" he said suddenly+

Arthur followed his !ointing finger+ Down amongst thes!rawling masses a figure was moving 5 or !erha!slurching would e a more accurate descri!tion+ 'ea!!eared to e carrying something on his shoulder+ As helurched from !rostrate form to !rostrate form he seemed towave whatever the something was at them in a drunkenfashion+ After a while he gave u! the struggle and colla!sedin a hea!+

Arthur had no idea what this was meant to mean to him+

"(ovie camera$" said ,ord+ "Recording the historic

movement+"

"4ell$ don=t know aout you$" said ,ord again after amoment$ "ut =m off+"

'e sat a while in silence+

After a while this seemed to re-uire comment+

"Er$ when you say you=re off$ what do you mean e.actly>"said Arthur+

"Good -uestion$" said ,ord$ "=m getting total silence+"



%ooking over his shoulder Arthur saw that he was twiddlingwith knos on a small o.+ ,ord had already introducedthis o. as a )u5Etha )ens5*5(atic$ ut Arthur had merelynodded asently and not !ursued the matter+ n his mind

the Universe still divided into two !arts 5 the Earth$ andeverything else+ The Earth having een demolished tomake way for a new hy!ers!ace y!ass meant that thisview of things was a little lo!sided$ ut Arthur tended tocling to that lo!sidedness as eing his last remainingcontact with his home+ )u5Etha )ens5*5(atics elongedfirmly in the "everything else" category+

"?ot a sausage$" said ,ord$ shaking the thing+

)ausage$ thought Arthur to himself as he ga/ed listlessly atthe !rimitive world aout him$ what wouldn=t give for agood Earth sausage+

"4ould you elieve$" said ,ord in e.as!eration$ "that thereare no transmissions of any kind within light years of thisenighted ti!> Are you listening to me>"

"4hat>" said Arthur+

"4e=re in troule$" said ,ord+

"*h$" said Arthur+ This sounded like month5old news to him+

"Until we !ick u! anything on this machine$" said ,ord$"our chances of getting off this !lanet are /ero+ t may esome freak standing wave effect in the !lanet=s magneticfield 5 in which case we 7ust travel round and roundtill we find a clear rece!tion area+ 0oming>"

'e !icked u! his gear and strode off+

Arthur looked down the hill+ The man with the movie camerahad struggled ack u! to his feet 7ust in time to film one

of his colleagues colla!sing+



Arthur !icked a lade of grass and strode off after ,ord+

0ha!ter :H

" trust you had a !leasant meal>" said 9arniwoo! to 9a!hod

and Trillian as they remateriali/ed on the ridge of thestarshi! 'eart of Gold and lay !anting on the floor+

9a!hod o!ened some eyes and glowered at him+

"ou$" he s!at+ 'e staggered to his feet and stom!ed off tofind a chair to slum! into+ 'e found one and slum!ed intoit+

" have !rogrammed the com!uter with them!roaility 0oordinates !ertinent to our 7ourney$" said9arniwoo!$ "we will arrive there very shortly+ (eanwhile$why don=t you rela. and !re!are yourself for themeeting>"

9a!hod said nothing+ 'e got u! again and marched over to asmall cainet from which he !ulled a ottle of old Jan.

s!irit+ 'e took a long !ull at it+

"And when this is all done$" said 9a!hod savagely$ "it=sdone$ alright> =m free to go and do what the hell likeand lie on eaches and stuff>"

"t de!ends what trans!ires from the meeting$" said9arniwoo!+



"9a!hod$ who is this man>" said Trillian shakily$ woling toher feet$ "4hat=s he doing here> 4hy=s he on our shi!>"

"'e=s a very stu!id man$" said 9a!hod$ "who wants to meet

the man who rules the Universe+"

"Ah$" said Trillian taking the ottle from 9a!hod and hel!ingherself$ "a social climer+"

0ha!ter :K

The ma7or !rolem 5 one of the ma7or !rolems$ for thereare several 5 one of the many ma7or !rolems withgoverning !eo!le is that of whom you get to do it8 or ratherof who manages to get !eo!le to let them do it to them+

To summari/e2 it is a well known fact$ that those !eo!le whomost want to rule !eo!le are$ i!so facto$ those least suitedto do it+ To summari/e the summary2 anyone who isca!ale of getting themselves made President should onno account e allowed to do the 7o+ To summari/e thesummary of the summary2 !eo!le are a !rolem+

And so this is the situation we find2 a succession of GalacticPresidents who so much en7oy the fun and !alaver ofeing in !ower that they very rarely notice that they=re not+

And somewhere in the shadows ehind them 5 who>

4ho can !ossily rule if no one who wants to do it can eallowed to>



0ha!ter :L

*n a small oscure world somewhere in the middle ofnowhere in !articular 5 nowhere$ that is$ that could ever efound$ since it is !rotected y a vast field of un!roaility

to which only si. men in this gala.y have a key 5 it wasraining+

t was ucketing down$ and had een for hours+ t eat the to!of the sea into a mist$ it !ounded the trees$ it churned andslo!!ed a stretch of scruy land near the sea into amudath+

The rain !elted and danced on the corrugated iron roof ofthe small shack that stood in the middle of this !atch ofscruy land+ t oliterated the small rough !athway thatled from the shack down to the seashore and smasheda!art the neat !iles of interesting shells which had een!laced there+

The noise of the rain on the roof of the shack wasdeafening within$ ut went largely unnoticed y its

occu!ant$ whose attention was otherwise engaged+

'e was a tall shamling man with rough straw5coloured hairthat was dam! from the leaking roof+ 'is clothes wereshay$ his ack was hunched$ and his eyes$ though o!en$seemed closed+

n his shack was an old eaten5u! armchair$ an old

scratched tale$ an old mattress$ some cushions and astove that was small ut warm+



'e !icked u! from the tale a !iece of !a!er and the stu ofa !encil+ 'e held one in one hand and the other in theother$ and e.!erimented with the different ways of ringingthem together+ 'e tried holding the !encil under the !a!er$

then over the !a!er$ then ne.t to the !a!er+ 'e triedwra!!ing the !a!er round the !encil$ he tried ruing thestuy end of the !encil against the !a!er and then he triedruing the shar! end of the !encil against the !a!er+ tmade a mark$ and he was delighted with the discovery$ ashe was every day+ 'e !icked u! another !iece of !a!erfrom the tale+ This had a crossword on it+ 'e studied itriefly and filled in a cou!le of clues efore losing interest+

'e tried sitting on one of his hands and was intrigued ythe feel of the ones of his hi!+

",ish come from far away$" he said$ "or so =m told+ *r so imagine =m told+ 4hen the men come$ or when in my mindthe men come in their si. lack shi!s$ do they come inyour mind too> 4hat do you see !ussy>"

'e looked at the cat$ which was more concerned with gettingthe fish down as ra!idly as !ossile than it was withthese s!eculations+

"And when hear their -uestions$ do you hear -uestions>4hat do their voices mean to you> Perha!s you 7ust thinkthey=re singing songs to you+" 'e reflected on this$ andsaw the flaw in the su!!osition+

"Perha!s they are singing songs to you$" he said$ "and 7ustthink they=re asking me -uestions+"

'e !aused again+ )ometimes he would !ause for days$ 7ust tosee what it was like+



"Do you think they came today>" he said$ " do+ There=s mudon the floor$ cigarettes and whisky on the tale$ fish on a!late for you and a memory of them in my mind+ 'ardlyconclusive evidence know$ ut then all evidence is

circumstantial+ And look what else they=ve left me+"

'e reached over to the tale and !ulled some things off it+

"0rosswords$ dictionaries$ and a calculator+"

'e !layed with the calculator for an hour$ whilst the cat wentto slee! and the rain outside continued to !our+ Eventuallyhe !ut the calculator aside+

" think must e right in thinking they ask me -uestions$" hesaid$ "To come all that way and leave all these things forthe !rivilege of singing songs to you would e verystrange ehaviour+ *r so it seems to me+ 4ho can tell$ whocan tell+"

,rom the tale he !icked u! a cigarette and lit it with a s!ill

from the stove+ 'e inhaled dee!ly and sat ack+

" think saw another shi! in the sky today$" he said at last+"A ig white one+ =ve never seen a ig white one$ 7ust thesi. lack ones+ And the si. green ones+ And the others whosay they come from so far away+ ?ever a ig white one+Perha!s si. small lack ones can look like one ig whiteone at certain times+ Perha!s would like a glass ofwhisky+ es$ that seems more likely+"

'e stood u! and found a glass that was lying on the floor ythe mattress+ 'e !oured in a measure from his whiskyottle+ 'e sat again+

"Perha!s some other !eo!le are coming to see me$" he said+

A hundred yards away$ !elted y the torrential rain$ lay the

'eart of Gold+



ts hatchway o!ened$ and three figures emerged$ huddlinginto themselves to kee! the rain off their faces+

"n there>" shouted Trillian aove the noise of the rain+

"es$" said 9arniwoo!+

"That shack>"

"es+"

"4eird$" said 9a!hod+

"&ut it=s in the middle of nowhere$" said Trillian$ "we musthave come to the wrong !lace+ ou can=t rule theUniverse from a shack+"

They hurried through the !ouring rain$ and arrived$ wetthrough$ at the door+ They knocked+ They shivered+

The door o!ened+

"'ello>" said the man+

"Ah$ e.cuse me$" said 9arniwoo!$ " have reason to elieve +++"

"Do you rule the Universe>" said 9a!hod+

The man smiled at him+

" try not to$" he said$ "Are you wet>"

9a!hod looked at him in astonishment+

"4et>" he cried$ "Doesn=t it look as if we=re wet>"

"That=s how it looks to me$" said the man$ "ut how youfeel aout it might e an altogether different matter+ f youfeel warmth makes you dry$ you=d etter come in+"

They went in+



They looked around the tiny shack$ 9arniwoo! with slightdistaste$ Trillian with interest$ 9a!hod with delight+

"'ey$ er +++" said 9a!hod$ "what=s your name>"

The man looked at them doutfully+

" don=t know+ 4hy$ do you think should have one> t seemsvery odd to give a undle of vague sensory !erce!tions aname+"

'e invited Trillian to sit in the chair+ 'e sat on the edge of thechair$ 9arniwoo! leaned stiffly against the tale and 9a!hodlay on the mattress+

"4owee@" said 9a!hod$ "the seat of !ower@" 'e tickled the cat+

"%isten$" said 9arniwoo!$ " must ask you some -uestions+"

"Alright$" said the man kindly$ "you can sing to my cat if youlike+"

"4ould he like that>" asked 9a!hod+

"ou=d etter ask him$" said the man+

"Does he talk>" said 9a!hod+

" have no memory of him talking$" said the man$ "ut amvery unreliale+"

9arniwoo! !ulled some notes out of a !ocket+

"?ow$" he said$ "you do rule the Universe$ do you>"

"'ow can tell>" said the man+

9arniwoo! ticked off a note on the !a!er+

"'ow long have you een doing this>"



"Ah$" said the man$ "this is a -uestion aout the !ast is it>"

9arniwoo! looked at him in !u//lement+ This wasn=t e.actlywhat he had een e.!ecting+

"es$" he said+

"'ow can tell$" said the man$ "that the !ast isn=t a fictiondesigned to account for the discre!ancy etween myimmediate !hysical sensations and my state of mind>"

9arniwoo! stared at him+ The steam egan to rise from hissodden clothes+

")o you answer all -uestions like this>" he said+

The man answered -uickly+

" say what it occurs to me to say when think hear !eo!lesay things+ (ore cannot say+"

9a!hod laughed ha!!ily+

"=ll drink to that$" he said and !ulled out the ottle of Jan.s!irit+ 'e lea!ed u! and handed the ottle to the ruler ofthe Universe$ who took it with !leasure+

"Good on you$ great ruler$" he said$ "tell it like it is+"

"?o$ listen to me$" said 9arniwoo!$ "!eo!le come to you do

they>

n shi!s +++"

" think so$" said the man+ 'e handed the ottle to Trillian+

"And they ask you$" said 9arniwoo!$ "to take decisions forthem> Aout !eo!le=s lives$ aout worlds$ aouteconomies$ aout wars$ aout everything going on out

there in the Universe>"



"*ut there>" said the man$ "out where>"

"*ut there@" said 9arniwoo! !ointing at the door+

"'ow can you tell there=s anything out there$" said the man!olitely$ "the door=s closed+"

The rain continued to !ound the roof+ nside the shack itwas warm+

"&ut you know there=s a whole Universe out there@" cried9arniwoo!+ "ou can=t dodge your res!onsiilities ysaying they don=t e.ist@"

The ruler of the Universe thought for a long while whilst9arniwoo! -uivered with anger+

"ou=re very sure of your facts$" he said at last$ " couldn=ttrust the thinking of a man who takes the Universe 5 if thereis one 5 for granted+"

9arniwoo! still -uivered$ ut was silent+

" only decide aout my Universe$" continued the man -uietly+"(y Universe is my eyes and my ears+ Anything else ishearsay+"

"&ut don=t you elieve in anything>"

The man shrugged and !icked u! his cat+

" don=t understand what you mean$" he said+

"ou don=t understand that what you decide in this shack ofyours affects the lives and fates of millions of !eo!le>This is all monstrously wrong@"



" don=t know+ =ve never met all these !eo!le you s!eak of+And neither$ sus!ect$ have you+ They only e.ist in wordswe hear+ t is folly to say you know what is ha!!ening toother !eo!le+ *nly they know$ if they e.ist+ They have

their own Universes of their own eyes and ears+"

Trillian said2

" think =m 7ust !o!!ing outside for a moment+"

)he left and walked into the rain+

"Do you elieve other !eo!le e.ist>" insisted 9arniwoo!+

" have no o!inion+ 'ow can say>"

"=d etter see what=s u! with Trillian$" said 9a!hod andsli!!ed out+

*utside$ he said to her2

" think the Universe is in !retty good hands$ yeah>"

"3ery good$" said Trillian+ They walked off into the rain+

nside$ 9arniwoo! continued+

"&ut don=t you understand that !eo!le live or die on yourword>"

The ruler of the Universe waited for as long as he could+ 4henhe heard the faint sound of the shi!=s engines starting hes!oke to cover it+

"t=s nothing to do with me$" he said$ " am not involved with!eo!le+ The %ord knows am not a cruel man+"

"Ah@" arked 9arniwoo!$ "you say The %ord=+ ou elievein something@"



"(y cat$" said the man enignly$ !icking it u! and stroking it$" call him The %ord+ am kind to him+"

"Alright$" said 9arniwoo!$ !ressing home his !oint$ "'ow do

you know he e.ists> 'ow do you know he knows you toe kind$ or en7oys what he thinks of as your kindness>"

" don=t$" said the man with a smile$ " have no idea+ t merely!leases me to ehave in a certain way to what a!!ears toe a cat+ Do you ehave any differently> Please$ think amtired+"

9arniwoo! heaved a thoroughly dissatisfied sigh and lookedaout+

"4here are the other two>" he said suddenly+

"4hat other two>" said the ruler of the Universe$ settlingack into his chair and refilling his whisky glass+

"&eelero. and the girl@ The two who were here@"

" rememer no one+ The !ast is a fiction to account for +++"

")tuff it$" sna!!ed 9arniwoo! and ran out into the rain+There was no shi!+ The rain continued to churn the mud+There was no sign to show where the shi! had een+ 'ehollered into the rain+ 'e turned and ran ack to the shackand found it locked+

The ruler of the Universe do/ed lightly in his chair+ After awhile he !layed with the !encil and the !a!er again andwas delighted when he discovered how to make a markwith the one on the other+ 3arious noises continuedoutside$ ut he didn=t know whether they were real or not+'e then talked to his tale for a week to see how it wouldreact+



0ha!ter BC

The stars came out that night$ da//ling in their rilliance andclarity+ ,ord and Arthur had walked more miles than theyhad any means of 7udging and finally sto!!ed to rest+ Thenight was cool and almy$ the air !ure$ the )u5Etha)ens+*+(atic totally silent+

A wonderful stillness hung over the world$ a magical calmwhich comined with the soft fragrances of the woods$ the-uiet chatter of insects and the rilliant light of the stars tosoothe their 7angled s!irits+ Even ,ord Prefect$ who hadseen more worlds than he could count on a long afternoon$was moved to wonder if this was the most eautiful hehad ever seen+ All that day they had !assed through rolling

green hills and valleys$ richly covered with grasses$ wildscented flowers and tall thickly leaved trees$ the sun hadwarmed them$ light ree/es had ke!t them cool$ and ,ordPrefect had checked his )u5Etha )ens5*5(atic at lessand less fre-uent intervals$ and had e.hiited less andless annoyance at its continued silence+ 'e was eginningto think he liked it here+

0ool though the night air was they sle!t soundly andcomfortaly in the o!en and awoke a few hours later withthe light dewfall feeling refreshed ut hungry+ ,ord hadstuffed some small rolls into his satchel at (illiwaysand they reakfasted off those efore moving on+

)o far they had wandered !urely at random$ ut now theystruck out firmly eastwards$ feeling that if they were goingto e.!lore this world they should have some clear idea of

where they had come from and where they were going+



)hortly efore noon they had their first indication that theworld they had landed on was not an uninhaited one2 ahalf glim!sed face amongst the trees$ watching them+ tvanished at the moment they oth saw it$ ut the image

they were oth left with was of a humanoid creature$curious to see them ut not alarmed+ 'alf an hour laterthey glim!sed another such face$ and ten minutes after thatanother+

A minute later they stumled into a wide clearing andsto!!ed short+

&efore them in the middle of the clearing stood a grou! ofaout two do/en men and women+ They stood still and-uiet facing ,ord and Arthur+ Around some of the womenhuddled some small children and ehind the grou! was aramshackle array of small dwellings made of mud andranches+

,ord and Arthur held their reath+

The tallest of the men stood a little over five feet high$ they allstoo!ed forward slightly$ had longish arms and lowishforeheads$ and clear right eyes with which they staredintently at the strangers+

)eeing that they carried no wea!ons and made no movetowards them$ ,ord and Arthur rela.ed slightly+

,or a while the two grou!s sim!ly stared at each other$neither side making any move+ The natives seemed!u//led y the intruders$ and whilst they showed no signof aggression they were -uite clearly not issuing anyinvitations+

,or a full two minutes nothing continued to ha!!en+

After two minutes ,ord decided it was time something

ha!!ened+



"'ello$" he said+

The women drew their children slightly closer to them+

The men made hardly any discernile move and yet theirwhole dis!osition made it clear that the greeting was notwelcome 5 it was not resented in any great degree$ it was

7ust not welcome+

*ne of the men$ who had een standing slightly forward ofthe rest of the grou! and who might therefore have eentheir leader$ ste!!ed forward+ 'is face was -uiet and calm$almost serene+

"Ugghhhuuggghhhrrrr uh uh ruh uurgh$" he said -uietly+

This caught Arthur y sur!rise+ 'e had grown so used toreceiving an instantaneous and unconscious translationof everything he heard via the &ael ,ish lodged in his earthat he had ceased to e aware of it$ and he was onlyreminded of its !resence now y the fact that it didn=t seem

to e working+ 3ague shadows of meaning hadflickered at the ack of his mind$ ut there was nothing hecould get any firm gras! on+ 'e guessed$ correctly as itha!!ens$ that these !eo!le had as yet evolved no morethan the arest rudiments of language$ and that the&ael ,ish was therefore !owerless to hel!+ 'e glancedat ,ord$ who was infinitely more e.!erienced in thesematters+

" think$" said ,ord out of the corner of his mouth$ "he=sasking us if we=d mind walking on round the edge of thevillage+"

A moment later$ a gesture from the man5creature seemed toconfirm this+

"Ruurgggghhhh urrgggh8 urgh urgh ;uh ruh< rruurruuh

ug$" continued the man5creature+



"The general gist$" said ,ord$ "as far as can make out$ is thatwe are welcome to continue our 7ourney in any way we like$ut if we would walk round his village rather than through itit would make them all very ha!!y+"

")o what do we do>"

" think we make them ha!!y$" said ,ord+

)lowly and watchfully they walked round the !erimeter ofthe clearing+ This seemed to go down very well with thenatives who owed to them very slightly and then wentaout their usiness+

,ord and Arthur continued their 7ourney through the wood+ Afew hundred yards !ast the clearing they suddenly cameu!on a small !ile of fruit lying in their !ath 5 erriesthat looked remarkaly like ras!erries and lackerries$and !ul!y$ green skinned fruit that looked remarkaly like!ears+

)o far they had steered clear of the fruit and erries they hadseen$ though the trees and ushed were laden with them+

"%ook at it this way$" ,ord Prefect had said$ "fruit and errieson strange !lanets either make you live or make youdie+ Therefore the !oint at which to start toying with themis when you=re going to die if you don=t+ That way youstay ahead+ The secret of healthy hitch5hiking is to eat 7unkfood+"

They looked at the !ile that lay in their !ath with sus!icion+ tlooked so good it made them almost di//y with hunger+

"%ook at it this way$" said ,ord$ "er +++"

"es>" said Arthur+

"=m trying to think of a way of looking at it which means weget to eat it$" said ,ord+



The leaf5da!!led sun gleamed on the !ul! skins of thethings which looked like !ears+ The things which lookedlike ras!erries and strawerries were fatter and ri!er thanany Arthur had ever seen$ even in ice cream commercials+

"4hy don=t we eat them and think aout it afterwards>" hesaid+

"(aye that=s what they want us to do+"

"Alright$ look at it this way +++"

")ounds good so far+"

"t=s there for us to eat+ Either it=s good or it=s ad$ either theywant to feed us or to !oison us+ f it=s !oisonous and wedon=t eat it they=ll 7ust attack us some other way+ f wedon=t eat$ we lose out either way+"

" like the way you=re thinking$" said ,ord$ "?ow eat one+"

'esitantly$ Arthur !icked u! one of those things that lookedlike !ears+

" always thought that aout the Garden of Eden story$"said ,ord+

"Eh>"

"Garden of Eden+ Tree+ A!!le+ That it$ rememer>"

"es of course do+"

"our God !erson !uts an a!!le tree in the middle of a gardenand says do what you like guys$ oh$ ut don=t eat the a!!le+)ur!rise sur!rise$ they eat it and he lea!s out fromehind a ush shouting Gotcha=+ t wouldn=t have madeany difference if they hadn=t eaten it+"

"4hy not>"



"&ecause if you=re dealing with someody who has the sortof mentality which likes leaving hats on the !avementwith ricks under them you know !erfectly well they won=tgive u!+ They=ll get you in the end+"

"4hat are you talking aout>"

"?ever mind$ eat the fruit+"

"ou know$ this !lace almost looks like the Garden of Eden+"

"Eat the fruit+"

")ounds -uite like it too+"

Arthur took a ite from the thing which looked like a !ear+

"t=s a !ear$" he said+

A few moments later$ when they had eaten the lot$ ,ordPrefect turned round and called out+

"Thank you+ Thank you very much$" he called$ "you=re verykind+"

They went on their way+

,or the ne.t fifty miles of their 7ourney eastward they ke!t onfinding the occasional gift of fruit lying in their !ath$ andthough they once or twice had a -uick glim!se of a native

man5creature amongst the trees$ they never again madedirect contact+ They decided they rather liked a race of!eo!le who made it clear that they were grateful sim!ly toe left alone+

The fruit and erries sto!!ed after fifty miles$ ecause thatwas where the sea started+



'aving no !ressing calls on their time they uilt a raft andcrossed the sea+ t was reasonaly calm$ only aout si.tymiles wide and they had a reasonaly !leasant crossing$landing in a country that was at least as eautiful as the

one they had left+

%ife was$ in short$ ridiculously easy and for a while at leastthey were ale to co!e with the !rolems ofaimlessness and isolation y deciding to ignore them+4hen the craving for com!any ecame too great theywould know where to find it$ ut for the moment they wereha!!y to feel that the Golgafrinchans were hundreds of

miles ehind them+

?evertheless$ ,ord Prefect egan to use his )u5Etha )ens5*5(atic more often again+ *nly once did he !ick u! a signal$ut that was so faint and from such enormous distance thatit de!ressed him more than the silence that had otherwisecontinued unroken+

*n a whim they turned northwards+ After weeks of travelling

they came to another sea$ uilt another raft and crossed it+This time it was harder going$ the climate was gettingcolder+ Arthur sus!ected a streak of masochism in ,ordPrefect 5 the increasing difficulty of the 7ourney seemed togive him a sense of !ur!ose that was otherwise lacking+'e strode onwards relentlessly+

Their 7ourney northwards rought them into stee!

mountainous terrain of reathtaking swee! and eauty+The vast$ 7agged$ snow covered !eaks ravished theirsenses+ The cold egan to ite into their ones+

They wra!!ed themselves in animal skins and furs which,ord Prefect ac-uired y a techni-ue he once learned froma cou!le of e.5Pralite monks running a (ind5)urfing resortin the 'ills of 'unian+



The gala.y is littered with e.5Pralite monks$ all on the make$ecause the mental control techni-ues the *rder haveevolved as a form of devotional disci!line are$ frankly$sensational 5 and e.traordinary numers of monks leave

the *rder 7ust after they have finished their devotionaltraining and 7ust efore they take their final vows to staylocked in small metal o.es for the rest of their lives+

,ord=s techni-ue seemed to consist mainly of standing still fora while and smiling+

After a while an animal 5 a deer !erha!s 5 would a!!ear from

out of the trees and watch him cautiously+ ,ord wouldcontinue to smile at it$ his eyes would soften and shine$and he would seem to radiate a dee! and universal love$ alove which reached out to emrace all of creation+ Awonderful -uietness would descend on the surroundingcountryside$ !eaceful and serene$ emanating from thistransfigured man+ )lowly the deer would a!!roach$ ste!y ste!$ until it was almost nu//ling him$ whereu!on ,ordPrefect would reach out to it and reak its neck+

"Pheromone control$" he said it was$ "you 7ust have to knowhow to generate the right smell+"

0ha!ter B1

A few days after landing in this mountainous land they hit acoastline which swe!t diagonally efore them from thesouth5west to the north5east$ a coastline of monumental

grandeur2 dee! ma7estic ravines$ soaring !innacles of ice 5f7ords+



,or two further days they scramled and climed over therocks and glaciers$ awe5struck with eauty+

"Arthur@" yelled ,ord suddenly+

t was the afternoon of the second day+ Arthur was sitting ona high rock watching the thundering sea smashing itselfagainst the craggy !romontories+

"Arthur@" yelled ,ord again+

Arthur looked to where ,ord=s voice had come from$carried faintly in the wind+

,ord had gone to e.amine a glacier$ and Arthur found himthere crouching y the solid wall of lue ice+ 'e wastense with e.citement 5 his eyes darted u! to meet Arthur=s+

"%ook$" he said$ "look@"

Arthur looked+ 'e saw the solid wall of lue ice+

"es$" he said$ "it=s a glacier+ =ve already seen it+"

"?o$" said ,ord$ "you=ve looked at it$ you haven=t seen it+

%ook@"

,ord was !ointing dee! into the heart of the ice+

Arthur !eered 5 he saw nothing ut vague shadows+

"(ove ack from it$" insisted ,ord$ "look again+"

Arthur moved ack and looked again+

"?o$" he said$ and shrugged+ "4hat am su!!osed to elooking for>"

And suddenly he saw it+



"ou see it>"

'e saw it+

'is mouth started to s!eak$ ut his rain decided it hadn=tgot anything to say yet and shut it again+ 'is rain thenstarted to contend with the !rolem of what his eyes toldit they were looking at$ ut in doing so relin-uishedcontrol of the mouth which !rom!tly fell o!en again+ *ncemore gathering u! the 7aw$ his rain lost control of hisleft hand which then wandered around in an aimlessfashion+ ,or a second or so the rain tried to catch the

left hand without letting go of the mouth andsimultaneously tried to think aout what was uried in theice$ which is !roaly why the legs went and Arthurdro!!ed restfully to the ground+

The thing that had een causing all this neural u!set was anetwork of shadows in the ice$ aout eighteen incheseneath the surface+ %ooked at it from the right angle theyresolved into the solid sha!es of letters from an alien

al!haet$ each aout three feet high8 and for those$ likeArthur$ who couldn=t read (agrathean there was aovethe letters the outline of a face hanging in the ice+

t was an old face$ thin and distinguished$ careworn ut notunkind+

t was the face of the man who had won an award for

designing the coastline they now knew themselves to estanding on+

0ha!ter B:



A thin whine filled the air+ t whirled and howled through thetrees u!setting the s-uirrels+ A few irds flew off in

disgust+ The noise danced and skittered round theclearing+ t whoo!ed$ it ras!ed$ it generally offended+

The 0a!tain$ however$ regarded the lone ag!i!er withan indulgent eye+ %ittle could distur his e-uanimity8indeed$ once he had got over the loss of his gorgeousath during that un!leasantness in the swam! all thosemonths ago he had egun to find his new life remarkaly

congenial+ A hollow had een scoo!ed out of a large rockwhich stood in the middle of the clearing$ and in this hewould ask daily whilst attendants sloshed water overhim+ ?ot !articularly warm water$ it must e said$ as theyhadn=t yet worked out a way of heating it+ ?ever mind$ thatwould come$ and in the meantime search !arties werescouring the countryside far and wide for a hot s!ring$!referaly one in a nice leafy glade$ and if it was near asoa! mine 5 !erfection+ To those who said that they had afeeling soa! wasn=t found in mines$ the 0a!tain hadventured to suggest that !erha!s that was ecause no onehad looked hard enough$ and this !ossiility had eenreluctantly acknowledged+

?o$ life was very !leasant$ and the greatest thing aout it wasthat when the hot s!ring was found$ com!lete with leafyglade en suite$ and when in the fullness of time the

cry came revererating across the hills that the soa!mine had een located and was !roducing five hundredcakes a day it would e more !leasant still+ t was veryim!ortant to have things to look forward to+

4ail$ wail$ screech$ wail$ howl$ honk$ s-ueak went theag!i!es$ increasing the 0a!tain=s already considerale!leasure at the thought that any moment now they might

sto!+ That was something he looked forward to as well+



4hat else was !leasant$ he asked himself> 4ell$ so manythings2

the red and gold of the trees$ now that autumn was

a!!roaching8 the !eaceful chatter of scissors a few feetfrom his ath where a cou!le of hairdressers weree.ercising their skills on a do/ing art director and hisassistant8 the sunlight gleaming off the si. shinytele!hones lined u! along the edge of his rock5hewn ath+The only thing nicer than a !hone that didn=t ring all thetime ;or indeed at all< was si. !hones that didn=t ring allthe time ;or indeed at all<+

?icest of all was the ha!!y murmur of all the hundreds of!eo!le slowly assemling in the clearing around him towatch the afternoon committee meeting+

The 0a!tain !unched his ruer duck !layfully on the eak+The afternoon committee meetings were his favourite+

*ther eyes watched the assemling crowds+ 'igh in a tree on

the edge of the clearing s-uatted ,ord Prefect$ latelyreturned from foreign climes+ After his si. month 7ourneyhe was lean and healthy$ his eyes gleamed$ he wore areindeer5skin coat8 his eard was as thick and his face asron/ed as a country5rock singer=s+

'e and Arthur Dent had een watching the Golgafrinchansfor almost a week now$ and ,ord had decided to stir things

u! a it+



The clearing was now full+ 'undreds of men and womenlounged around$ chatting$ eating fruit$ !laying cards andgenerally having a fairly rela.ed time of it+ Their track suitswere now all dirty and even torn$ ut they all had

immaculately styled hair+ ,ord was !u//led to see thatmany of them had stuffed their track suits full of leavesand wondered if this was meant to e some form ofinsulation against the coming winter+ ,ord=s eyesnarrowed+ They couldn=t e interested in otany of asudden could they>

n the middle of these s!eculations the 0a!tain=s voice rose

aove the huu+

"Alright$" he said$ "=d like to call this meeting to some sort oforder if that=s at all !ossile+ s that alright witheveryody>" 'e smiled genially+ "n a minute+ 4henyou=re all ready+"

The talking gradually died away and the clearing fell silent$e.ce!t for the ag!i!er who seemed to e in some

wild and uninhaitale musical world of his own+ A few ofthose in his immediate vicinity threw some leaves tohim+ f there was any reason for this then it esca!ed ,ordPrefect for the moment+

A small grou! of !eo!le had clustered round the 0a!tain andone of them was clearly eginning to s!eak+ 'e did this ystanding u!$ clearing his throat and then ga/ing off into the

distance as if to signify to the crowd that he would ewith them in a minute+

The crowd of course were riveted and all turned their eyeson him+

A moment of silence followed$ which ,ord 7udged to e theright dramatic moment to make his entry+ The man turnedto s!eak+



,ord dro!!ed down out of the tree+

"'i there$" he said+

The crowd swivelled round+

"Ah my dear fellow$" called out the 0a!tain$ "Got any matcheson you> *r a lighter> Anything like that>"

"?o$" said ,ord$ sounding a little deflated+ t wasn=t what he=d!re!ared+ 'e decided he=d etter e a little stronger onthe su7ect+

"?o haven=t$" he continued$ "?o matches+ nstead ringyou news +++"

"Pity$" said the 0a!tain$ "4e=ve all run out you see+ 'aven=thad a hot ath in weeks+"

,ord refused to e headed off+

" ring you news$" he said$ "of a discovery that might interestyou+"

"s it on the agenda>" sna!!ed the man whom ,ord hadinterru!ted+

,ord smiled a road country5rock singer smile+

"?ow$ come on$" he said+

"4ell =m sorry$" said the man huffily$ "ut s!eaking as amanagement consultant of many years= standing$ mustinsist on the im!ortance of oserving the committeestructure+"

,ord looked round the crowd+

"'e=s mad you know$" he said$ "this is a !rehistoric !lanet+"

"Address the chair@" sna!!ed the management consultant+



"There isn=t chair$" e.!lained ,ord$ "there=s only a rock+"

The management consultant decided that testiness waswhat the situation now called for+

"4ell$ call it a chair$" he said testily+

"4hy not call it a rock>" asked ,ord+

"ou oviously have no conce!tion$" said themanagement consultant$ not aandoning testiness infavour of good old fashioned hauteur$ "of modernusiness methods+"

"And you have no conce!tion of where you are$" said ,ord+

A girl with a strident voice lea!t to her feet and used it+

")hut u!$ you two$" she said$ " want to tale a motion+"

"ou mean oulder a motion$" tittered a hairdresser+

"*rder$ order@" ya!!ed the management consultant+

"Alright$" said ,ord$ "let=s see how you are doing+" 'e!lonked himself down on the ground to see how long hecould kee! his tem!er+

The 0a!tain made a sort of conciliatory harrum!hing noise+

" would like to call to order$" he said !leasantly$ "the fivehundred and seventy5third meeting of the coloni/ationcommittee of ,intlewoodlewi. +++"

Ten seconds$ thought ,ord as he lea!t to his feet again+

"This is futile$" he e.claimed$ "five hundred and seventy5three committee meetings and you haven=t even discoveredfire yet@"



"f you would care$" said the girl with the strident voice$ "toe.amine the agenda sheet +++"

"Agenda rock$" trilled the hairdresser ha!!ily+

"Thank you$ =ve made that !oint$" muttered ,ord+

"+++ you +++ will +++ see +++" continued the girl firmly$ "that we arehaving a re!ort from the hairdressers= ,ire Develo!ment)u50ommittee today+"

"*h +++ ah 5" said the hairdresser with a shee!ish look whichis recogni/ed the whole Gala.y over as meaning "Er$will ne.t Tuesday do>"

"Alright$" said ,ord$ rounding on him$ "what have you done>4hat are you going to do> 4hat are your thoughts on firedevelo!ment>"

"4ell don=t know$" said the hairdresser$ "All they gave mewas a cou!le of sticks +++"

")o what have you done with them>"

?ervously$ the hairdresser fished in his track suit to! andhanded over the fruits of his laour to ,ord+

,ord held them u! for all to see+

"0urling tongs$" he said+

The crowd a!!lauded+

"?ever mind$" said ,ord$ "Rome wasn=t urnt in a day+"

The crowd hadn=t the faintest idea what he was talking aout$ut they loved it nevertheless+ They a!!lauded+



"4ell$ you=re oviously eing totally naive of course$" said thegirl$ "4hen you=ve een in marketing as long as haveyou=ll know that efore any new !roduct can e develo!edit has to e !ro!erly researched+ 4e=ve got to find out

what !eo!le want from fire$ how they relate to it$ what sortof image it has for them+"

The crowd were tense+ They were e.!ecting somethingwonderful from ,ord+

")tick it u! your nose$" he said+

"4hich is !recisely the sort of thing we need to know$"insisted the girl$ "Do !eo!le want fire that can e a!!liednasally>"

"Do you>" ,ord asked the crowd+

"es@" shouted some+

"?o@" shouted others ha!!ily+

They didn=t know$ they 7ust thought it was great+

"And the wheel$" said the 0a!tain$ "4hat aout this wheelthingy>

t sounds a terrily interesting !ro7ect+"

"Ah$" said the marketing girl$ "4ell$ we=re having a little

difficulty there+"

"Difficulty>" e.claimed ,ord$ "Difficulty> 4hat do youmean$ difficulty> t=s the single sim!lest machine in theentire Universe@"

The marketing girl soured him with a look+

"Alright$ (r 4iseguy$" she said$ "you=re so clever$ you tell us

what colour it should have+"



The crowd went wild+ *ne u! to the home team$ they thought+,ord shrugged his shoulders and sat down again+

"Almighty 9ar-uon$" he said$ "have none of you done

anything>"

As if in answer to his -uestion there was a sudden clamourof noise from the entrance to the clearing+ The crowdcouldn=t elieve the amount of entertainment they weregetting this afternoon2 in marched a s-uad of aout ado/en men dressed in the remnants of their GolgafrinchamBrd Regiment dress uniforms+ Aout half of them still

carried #ill5*59a! guns$ the rest now carried s!ears whichthey struck together as they marched+ They lookedron/ed$ healthy$ and utterly e.hausted and edraggled+They clattered to a halt and anged to attention+ *ne ofthem fell over and never moved again+

"0a!tain$ sir@" cried ?umer Two 5 for he was their leader 5"Permission to re!ort sir@"

"es$ alright ?umer Two$ welcome ack and all that+ ,ind anyhot s!rings>" said the 0a!tain des!ondently+

"?o sir@"

"Thought you wouldn=t+"

?umer Two strode through the crowd and !resented armsefore the ath+

"4e have discovered another continent@"

"4hen was this>"

"t lies across the sea +++" said ?umer Two$ narrowing hiseyes significantly$ "to the east@"

"Ah+"



?umer Two turned to face the crowd+ 'e raised his gunaove his head+ This is going to e great$ thought thecrowd+

"4e have declared war on it@"

4ild aandoned cheering roke out in all corners of theclearing 5 this was eyond all e.!ectation+

"4ait a minute$" shouted ,ord Prefect$ "wait a minute@"

'e lea!t to his feet and demanded silence+ After a while hegot it$ or at least the est silence he could ho!e forunder the circumstances2 the circumstances were thatthe ag!i!er was s!ontaneously com!osing a nationalanthem+

"Do we have to have the !i!er>" demanded ,ord+

"*h yes$" said the 0a!tain$ "we=ve given him a grant+"

,ord considered o!ening this idea u! for deate ut-uickly decided that that way madness lay+ nstead he slunga well 7udged rock at the !i!er and turned to face ?umerTwo+

"4ar>" he said+

"es@" ?umer Two ga/ed contem!tuously at ,ord Prefect+

"*n the ne.t continent>"

"es@ Total warfare@ The war to end all wars@"

"&ut there=s no one even living there yet@"

Ah$ interesting$ thought the crowd$ nice !oint+



?umer Two=s ga/e hovered undistured+ n this res!ect hiseyes were like a cou!le of mos-uitos that hover!ur!osefully three inches from your nose and refuse to edeflected y arm thrashes$ fly swats or rolled news!a!ers+

" know that$" he said$ "ut there will e one day@ )o we haveleft an o!en5ended ultimatum+"

"4hat>"

"And lown u! a few military installations+"

The 0a!tain leaned forward out of his ath+

"(ilitary installations ?umer Two>" he said+

,or a moment the eyes wavered+

"es sir$ well !otential military installations+ Alright +++trees+"

The moment of uncertainty !assed 5 his eyes flickered likewhi!s over his audience+

"And$" he roared$ "we interrogated a ga/elle@"

'e fli!!ed his #ill5*59a! gun smartly under his arm andmarched off through the !andemonium that had noweru!ted throughout the ecstatic crowd+ A few ste!s was allhe managed efore he was caught u! and carried

shoulder high for a la! of honour round the clearing+

,ord sat and idly ta!!ed a cou!le of stones together+

")o what else have you done>" he in-uired after thecelerations had died down+

"4e have started a culture$" said the marketing girl+

"*h yes>" said ,ord+



"es+ *ne of our film !roducers is already making afascinating documentary aout the indigenous cavemen ofthe area+"

"They=re not cavemen+"

"They look like cavemen+"

"Do they live in caves>"

"4ell +++"

"They live in huts+"

"Perha!s they=re having their caves redecorated$" called outa wag from the crowd+

,ord rounded on him angrily+

"3ery funny$" he said$ "ut have you noticed that they=redying out>"

*n their 7ourney ack$ ,ord and Arthur had come acrosstwo derelict villages and the odies of many natives in thewoods$ where they had cre!t away to die+ Those that stilllived were stricken and listless$ as if they were sufferingsome disease of the s!irit rather than the ody+ They movedsluggishly and with an infinite sadness+ Their future hadeen taken away from them+

"Dying out@" re!eated ,ord+ "Do you know what that means>"

"Er +++ we shouldn=t sell them any life insurance>" called outthe wag again+

,ord ignored him$ and a!!ealed to the whole crowd+

"0an you try and understand$" he said$ "that it=s 7ust sincewe=ve arrived that they=ve started dying out@"



"n fact that comes over terrily well in this film$" said themarketing girl$ "and 7ust gives it that !oignant twist whichis the hallmark of the really great documentary+ The!roducer=s very committed+"

"'e should e$" muttered ,ord+

" gather$" said the girl$ turning to address the 0a!tain whowas eginning to nod off$ "that he wants to make oneaout you ne.t$ 0a!tain+"

"*h really>" he said$ coming to with a start$ "that=s awfullynice+"

"'e=s got a very strong angle on it$ you know$ the urden ofres!onsiility$ the loneliness of command +++"

The 0a!tain hummed and hahed aout this for a moment+

"4ell$ wouldn=t overstress that angle$ you know$" he saidfinally$ "one=s never alone with a ruer duck+"

'e held the duck aloft and it got an a!!reciative round fromthe crowd+

All the while$ the (anagement 0onsultant had een sittingin stony silence$ his finger ti!s !ressed to his tem!les toindicate that he was waiting and would wait all day if it wasnecessary+

At this !oint he decided he would not wait all day after all$ hewould merely !retend that the last half hour hadn=tha!!ened+

'e rose to his feet+

"f$" he said tersely$ "we could for a moment move on to thesu7ect of fiscal !olicy +++"

",iscal !olicy@" whoo!ed ,ord Prefect$ ",iscal !olicy@"



The (anagement 0onsultant gave him a look that only alungfish could have co!ied+

",iscal !olicy +++" he re!eated$ "that is what said+"

"'ow can you have money$" demanded ,ord$ "if none of youactually !roduces anything> t doesn=t grow on trees youknow+"

"f you would allow me to continue +++"

,ord nodded de7ectedly+

"Thank you+ )ince we decided a few weeks ago to ado!t theleaf as legal tender$ we have$ of course$ all ecomeimmensely rich+"

,ord stared in diselief at the crowd who weremurmuring a!!reciatively at this and greedily fingering thewads of leaves with which their track suits were stuffed+

"&ut we have also$" continued the (anagement 0onsultant$"run into a small inflation !rolem on account of the highlevel of leaf availaility$ which means that$ gather$ thecurrent going rate has something like three deciduousforests uying one shi!=s !eanut+"

(urmurs of alarm came from the crowd+ The (anagement0onsultant waved them down+

")o in order to oviate this !rolem$" he continued$ "andeffectively revaluate the leaf$ we are aout to emark ona massive defoliation cam!aign$ and +++ er$ urn down allthe forests+ think you=ll all agree that=s a sensile moveunder the circumstances+"



The crowd seemed a little uncertain aout this for a secondor two until someone !ointed out how much this wouldincrease the value of the leaves in their !ocketswhereu!on they let out whoo!s of delight and gave the

(anagement 0onsultant a standing ovation+ Theaccountants amongst them looked forward to a!rofitale Autumn+

"ou=re all mad$" e.!lained ,ord Prefect+

"ou=re asolutely army$" he suggested+

"ou=re a unch of raving nutters$" he o!ined+

The tide of o!inion started to turn against him+ 4hat hadstarted out as e.cellent entertainment had now$ in thecrowd=s view$ deteriorated into mere ause$ and since thisause was in the main directed at them they wearied of it+

)ensing this shift in the wind$ the marketing girl turned onhim+

"s it !erha!s in order$" she demanded$ "to in-uire whatyou=ve een doing all these months then> ou and thatother interlo!er have een missing since the day wearrived+"

"4e=ve een on a 7ourney$" said ,ord$ "4e went to try andfind out something aout this !lanet+"

"*h$" said the girl archly$ "doesn=t sound very !roductive tome+"

"?o> 4ell have got news for you$ my love+ 4e havediscovered this !lanet=s future+"

,ord waited for this statement to have its effect+ t didn=t haveany+ They didn=t know what he was talking aout+

'e continued+



"t doesn=t matter a !air of fetid dingo=s kidneys what you allchoose to do from now on+ &urn down the forests$anything$ it won=t make a scra! of difference+ our futurehistory has already ha!!ened+ Two million years you=ve got

and that=s it+ At the end of that time your race will e dead$gone and good riddance to you+ Rememer that$ twomillion years@"

The crowd muttered to itself in annoyance+ Peo!le as rich asthey had suddenly ecome shouldn=t e oliged to listento this sort of gierish+ Perha!s they could ti! the fellow aleaf or two and he would go away+

They didn=t need to other+ ,ord was already stalking out ofthe clearing$ !ausing only to shake his head at ?umerTwo who was already firing his #ill5*59a! gun into someneighouring trees+

'e turned ack once+

"Two million years@" he said and laughed+

"4ell$" said the 0a!tain with a soothing smile$ "still time for afew more aths+ 0ould someone !ass me the s!onge>

7ust dro!!ed it over the side+"

0ha!ter BB

A mile or so away through the wood$ Arthur Dent was toousily engrossed with what he was doing to hear ,ordPrefect a!!roach+



4hat he was doing was rather curious$ and this is what it was2on a wide flat !iece of rock he had scratched out thesha!e of a large s-uare$ sudivided into one hundred andsi.ty5nine smaller s-uares$ thirteen to a side+

,urthermore he had collected together a !ile of smallishflattish stones and scratched the sha!e of a letter on toeach+ )itting morosely round the rock were a cou!le ofthe surviving local native men whom Arthur Dent wastrying to introduce the curious conce!t emodied in thesestones+

)o far they had not done well+ They had attem!ted to eat someof them$ ury others and throw the rest of them away+Arthur had finally encouraged one of them to lay a cou!le ofstones on the oard he had scratched out$ which wasnot even as far as he=d managed to get the day efore+Along with the ra!id deterioration in the morale of thesecreatures$ there seemed to e a corres!ondingdeterioration in their actual intelligence+

n an attem!t to egg them along$ Arthur set out a numerof letters on the oard himself$ and then tried toencourage the natives to add some more themselves+

t was not going well+

,ord watched -uietly from eside a neary tree+

"?o$" said Arthur to one of the natives who had 7ust shuffledsome of the letters round in a fit of aysmal de7ection$"6 scores ten you see$ and it=s on a tri!le word score$ so +++look$ =ve e.!lained the rules to you +++ no no$ look !lease$!ut down that 7awone +++ alright$ we=ll start again+ Andtry to concentrate this time+"

,ord leaned his elow against the tree and his hand againsthis head+

"4hat are you doing$ Arthur>" he asked -uietly+



Arthur looked u! with a start+ 'e suddenly had a feeling thatall this might look slightly foolish+ All he knew was that ithad worked like a dream on him when he was a chid+ &utthings were different then$ or rather would e+

"=m trying to teach the cavemen to !lay )crale$" he said+

"They=re not cavemen$" said ,ord+

"They look like cavemen+"

,ord let it !ass+

" see$" he said+

"t=s u!hill work$" said Arthur wearily$ "the only word theyknow is grunt and they can=t s!ell it+"

'e sighed and sat ack+

"4hat=s that su!!osed to achieve>" asked ,ord+

"4e=ve got to encourage them to evolve@ To develo!@" Arthururst out angrily+ 'e ho!ed that the weary sigh and thenthe anger might do something to counteract theoverriding feeling of foolishness from which he wascurrently suffering+ t didn=t+ 'e 7um!ed to his feet+

"0an you imagine what a world would e like descended fromthose +++ cretins we arrived with>" he said+

"magine>" said ,ord$ rising his eyerows+ "4e don=t haveto imagine+ 4e=ve seen it+"

"&ut +++" Arthur waved his arms aout ho!elessly+

"4e=ve seen it$" said ,ord$ "there=s no esca!e+"

Arthur kicked at a stone+

"Did you tell them what we=ve discovered>" he asked+



"'mmmm>" said ,ord$ not really concentrating+

"?orway$" said Arthur$ ")lartiartfast=s signature in theglacier+ Did you tell them>"

"4hat=s the !oint>" said ,ord$ "4hat would it mean to them>"

"(ean>" said Arthur$ "(ean> ou know !erfectly well whatit means+ t means that this !lanet is the Earth@ t=s myhome@ t=s where was orn@"

"4as>" said ,ord+

"Alright$ will e+"

"es$ in two million years= time+ 4hy don=t you tell them that>Go and say to them$ E.cuse me$ =d 7ust like to !oint outthat in two million years= time will e orn 7ust a few milesfrom here+= )ee what they say+ They=ll chase you u! a treeand set fire to it+"

Arthur asored this unha!!ily+

",ace it$" said ,ord$ "those /ees over there are yourancestors$ not these !oor creatures here+"

'e went over to where the a!emen creatures wererummaging listlessly with the stone letters+ 'e shook hishead+

"Put the )crale away$ Arthur$" he said$ "it won=t save thehuman race$ ecause this lot aren=t going to e the humanrace+ The human race is currently sitting round a rock onthe other side of this hill making documentaries aoutthemselves+"

Arthur winced+



"There must e something we can do$" he said+ A terrilesense of desolation thrilled through his ody that heshould e here$ on the Earth$ the Earth which had lost itsfuture in a horrifying aritrary catastro!he and which

now seemed set to lose its !ast as well+

"?o$" said ,ord$ "there=s nothing we can do+ This doesn=tchange the history of the Earth$ you see$ this is thehistory of the Earth+ %ike it or leave it$ the Golgafrinchansare the !eo!le you are descended from+ in two millionyears they get destroyed y the 3ogons+ 'istory is neveraltered you see$ it 7ust fits together like a 7igsaw+ ,unny

old thing$ life$ isn=t it>"

'e !icked u! the letter 6 and hurled it into a distant !ivetush where it hit a young rait+ The rait hurtled off interror and didn=t sto! till it was set u!on and eaten y a fo.which choked on one of its ones and died on theank of a stream which suse-uently washed it away+

During the following weeks ,ord Prefect swallowed his !ride

and struck u! a relationshi! with a girl who had een a!ersonnel officer on Golgafrincham$ and he was terrilyu!set when she suddenly !assed away as a result ofdrinking water from a !ool that had een !olluted y theody of a dead fo.+ The only moral it is !ossile to drawfrom this story is that one should never throw the letter 6into a !ivet ush$ ut unfortunately there are times when itis unavoidale+

%ike most of the really crucial things in life$ this chain ofevents was com!letely invisile to ,ord Prefect and ArthurDent+ They were looking sadly at one of the nativesmorosely !ushing the other letters around+

"Poor loody caveman$" said Arthur+

"They=re not +++"



"4hat>"

"*h never mind+"

The wretched creature let out a !athetic howling noise andanged on the rock+

"t=s all een a it of waste of time for them$ hasn=t it>" saidArthur+

"Uh uh urghhhhh$" muttered the native and anged on therock again+

"They=ve een outevolved y tele!hone saniti/ers+"

"Urgh$ gr gr$ gruh@" insisted the native$ continuing to ang onthe rock+

"4hy does he kee! anging on the rock>" said Arthur+

" think he !roaly wants you to )crale with him again$"said ,ord$ "he=s !ointing at the letters+"

"Proaly s!elt cr/7grdwldiwdc again$ !oor astard+ kee!on telling him there=s only one g in cr/7grdwldiwdc+"

The native anged on the rock again+

They looked over his shoulder+

Their eyes !o!!ed+

There amongst the 7umle of letters were eight that had eenlaid out in a clear straight line+

They s!elt two words+

The words were these2

",orty5Two+"



"Grrrurgh guh guh$" e.!lained the native+ 'e swe!t theletters angrily away and went and mooched under aneary tree with his colleague+

,ord and Arthur stared at him+ Then they stared at each other+

"Did that say what thought it said>" they oth said to eachother+

"es$" they oth said+

",orty5two$" said Arthur+

",orty5two$" said ,ord+

Arthur ran over to the two natives+

"4hat are you trying to tell us>" he shouted+ "4hat=s itsu!!osed to mean>"

*ne of them rolled over on the ground$ kicked his legs u! inthe air$ rolled over again and went to slee!+

The other ounded u! the tree and threw horse chestnuts at,ord Prefect+ 4hatever it was they had to say$ they hadalready said it+

"ou know what this means$" said ,ord+

"?ot entirely+"

",orty5two is the numer Dee! Thought gave as eing theUltimate Answer+"

"es+"

And the Earth is the com!uter Dee! Thought designed anduilt to calculate the 6uestion to the Ultimate Answer+"

")o we are led to elieve+"



"And organic life was !art of the com!uter matri.+"

"f you say so+"

" do say so+ That means that these natives$ these a!emen arean integral !art of the com!uter !rogram$ and that weand the Golgafrinchans are not+"

"&ut the cavemen are dying out and the Golgafrinchansare oviously set to re!lace them+"

"E.actly+ )o do you see what this means>"

"4hat>"

"0ock u!$" said ,ord Prefect+

Arthur looked around him+

"This !lanet is having a !retty loody time of it$" he said+

,ord !u//led for a moment+

")till$ something must have come out of it$" he said at last$"ecause (arvin said he could see the 6uestion !rintedin your rain wave !atterns+"

"&ut +++"

"Proaly the wrong one$ or a distortion of the right one+ tmight give us a clue though if we could find it+ don=t seehow we can though+"

They mo!ed aout for a it+ Arthur sat on the ground andstarted !ulling u! its of grass$ ut found that it wasn=t anoccu!ation he could get dee!ly engrossed in+ t wasn=tgrass he could elieve in$ the trees seemed !ointless$ therolling hills seemed to e rolling to nowhere and the futureseemed 7ust a tunnel to e crawled through+



,ord fiddled with his )u5Etha )ens5*5(atic+ t was silent+'e sighed and !ut it away+

Arthur !icked u! one of the letter stones from his home5

made )crale set+ t was a T+ 'e sighed and out it downagain+ The letter he !ut down ne.t to it was an + That s!eltT+ 'e tossed another cou!le of letters ne.t to them Theywere an ) and an ' as it ha!!ened+ &y a curiouscoincidence the resulting word !erfectly e.!ressed theway Arthur was feeling aout things 7ust then+ 'e staredat it for a moment+ 'e hadn=t done it delierately$ itwas 7ust a random chance+ 'is rain got slowly into first

gear+

",ord$" he said suddenly$ "look$ if that 6uestion is !rinted inmy rain wave !atterns ut =m not consciously aware ofit it must e somewhere in my unconscious+"

"es$ su!!ose so+"

"There might e a way of ringing that unconscious

!attern forward+"

"*h yes>"

"es$ y introducing some random element that can esha!ed y that !attern+"

"%ike how>"

"%ike y !ulling )crale letters out of a ag lindfolded+"

,ord lea!t to his feet+

"&rilliant@" he said+ 'e tugged his towel out of his satchel andwith a few deft knots transformed it into a ag+

"Totally mad$" he said$ "utter nonsense+ &ut we=ll do itecause it=s rilliant nonsense+ 0ome on$ come on+"



The sun !assed res!ectfully ehind a cloud+ A few smallsad raindro!s fell+

They !iled together all the remaining letters and dro!!ed

them into the ag+ They shook them u!+

"Right$" said ,ord$ "close your eyes+ Pull them out+ 0ome oncome on$ come on+"

Arthur closed his eyes and !lunged his hand into the towelfulof stones+ 'e 7iggled them aout$ !ulled out four andhanded them to ,ord+ ,ord laid them along the ground inthe order he got them+

"4$" said ,ord$ "'$ A$ T +++ 4hat@"

'e linked+

" think it=s working@" he said+

Arthur !ushed three more at him+

"D$ *$ +++ Doy+ *h !erha!s it isn=t working$" said ,ord+

"'ere=s the ne.t three+"

"*$ U$ G +++ Doyoug +++ t=s not making sense =m afraid+"

Arthur !ulled another two from the ag+ ,ord !ut them in!lace+

"E$ T$ doyouget +++ Do you get@" shouted ,ord$ "it is working@

This is ama/ing$ it really is working@"

"(ore here+" Arthur was throwing them out feverishly as fastas he could go+



"$ ,$" said ,ord$ "$ *$ U$ +++ ($ U$ %$ T$ $ P$ %$ $ +++ 4hat doyou get if you multi!ly$ +++ )$ $ I$ +++ si.$ &$ $ y$ si. y +++what do you get if you multi!ly si. y +++ ?$ $ ?$ E$ +++ si. ynine +++" 'e !aused+ "0ome on$ where=s the ne.t one>"

"Er$ that=s the lot$" said Arthur$ "that=s all there were+"

'e sat ack$ non!lussed+

'e rooted around again in the knotted u! towel ut there wereno more letters+

"ou mean that=s it>" said ,ord+

"That=s it+"

")i. y nine+ ,orty5two+"

"That=s it+ That=s all there is+"

0ha!ter B

The sun came out and eamed cheerfully at them+ A irdsang+ A warm ree/e wafted through the trees and liftedthe heads of the flowers$ carrying their scent away throughthe woods+ An insect droned !ast on its way to dowhatever it is that insects do in the late afternoon+ Thesound of voices lilted through the trees followed amoment later y two girls who sto!!ed in sur!rise at thesight of ,ord Prefect and Arthur Dent a!!arently lying onthe ground in agony$ ut in fact rocking with noiseless

laughter+



"?o$ don=t go$" called ,ord Prefect etween gas!s$ "we=ll ewith you in a moment+"

"4hat=s the matter>" asked one of the girls+ )he was the

taller and slimmer of the two+ *n Golgafrincham she hadeen a 7unior !ersonnel officer$ ut hadn=t liked it much+

,ord !ulled himself together+

"E.cuse me$" he said$ "hello+ (y friend and were 7ustcontem!lating the meaning of life+ ,rivolous e.ercise+"

"*h it=s you$" said the girl$ "you made a it of a s!ectacle ofyourself this afternoon+ ou were -uite funny to egin withut you did ang on a it+"

"Did > *h yes+"

"es$ what was all that for>" asked the other girl$ a shorterround5faced girl who had een an art director for asmall advertising com!any on Golgafrincham+ 4hatever the

!rivations of this world were$ she went to slee! everynight !rofoundly grateful for the fact that whatever shehad to face in the morning it wouldn=t e a hundredalmost identical !hotogra!hs of moodily lit tues oftooth!aste+

",or> ,or nothing+ ?othing=s for anything$" said ,ordPrefect ha!!ily+ "0ome and 7oin us+ "m ,ord$ this isArthur+ 4e were 7ust aout to do nothing at all for a whileut it can wait+"

The girls looked at them doutfully+

"=m Agda$" said the tall one$ "this is (ella+"

"'ello Agda$ hello (ella$" said ,ord+

"Do you talk at all>" said (ella to Arthur+



"*h$ eventually$" said Arthur with a smile$ "ut not as muchas ,ord+"

"Good+"

There was a slight !ause+

"4hat did you mean$" asked Agda$ "aout only having twomillion years> couldn=t make sense of what you weresaying+"

"*h that$" said ,ord$ "it doesn=t matter+"

"t=s 7ust that the world gets demolished to make way for ahy!ers!ace y!ass$" said Arthur with a shrug$ "ut that=stwo million years away$ and anyway it=s 7ust 3ogons doingwhat 3ogons do+"

"3ogons>" said (ella+

"es$ you wouldn=t know them+"

"4here=d you get this idea from>"

"t really doesn=t matter+ t=s 7ust like a dream from the !ast$ orthe future+" Arthur smiled and looked away+

"Does it worry you that you don=t talk any kind of sense>"asked Agda+

"%isten$ forget it$" said ,ord$ "forget all of it+ ?othingmatters+ %ook$ it=s a eautiful day$ en7oy it+ The sun$ thegreen of the hills$ the river down in the valley$ the urningtrees+"

"Even if it=s only a dream$ it=s a !retty horrile idea$" said(ella$ "destroying a world 7ust to make a y!ass+"



"*h$ =ve heard of worse$" said ,ord$ " read of one !lanet offin the seventh dimension that got used as a all in agame of intergalactic ar illiards+ Got !otted straight intoa lack hole+ #illed ten illion !eo!le+"

"That=s mad$" said (ella+

"es$ only scored thirty !oints too+"

Agda and (ella e.changed glances+

"%ook$" said Agda$ "there=s a !arty after the committeemeeting tonight+ ou can come along if you like+"

"eah$ *#$" said ,ord+

"=d like to$" said Arthur+

(any hours later Arthur and (ella sat and watched the moonrise over the dull red glow of the trees+

"That story aout the world eing destroyed +++" egan (ella+

"n two million years$ yes+"

"ou say it as if you really think it=s true+"

"es$ think it is+ think was there+"

)he shook her head in !u//lement+

"ou=re very strange$" she said+

"?o$ =m very ordinary$" said Arthur$ "ut some very strangethings have ha!!ened to me+ ou could say =m morediffered from than differing+"

"And that other world your friend talked aout$ the one thatgot !ushed into a lack hole+"



"Ah$ that don=t know aout+ t sounds like something fromthe ook+"

"4hat ook>"

Arthur !aused+

"The 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y " he said at last

Adams, Douglas - HH2 - Restaurant at the End of the Universe, The

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Transcript of Adams, Douglas - HH2 - Restaurant at the End of the Universe, The