A THOUSAND AND ONE NIGHTS OF REALITY TELEVISION

A THOUSAND AND ONE NIGHTS OF REALITY TELEVISION

_________________________

A full-length comedy by

Lesley James

This script is for evaluation only. It may not be printed, photocopied or distributed digitally under any circumstances. Possession of this file does not grant the right to perform this play or any portion of it, or to use it for classroom study.

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A Thousand and One Nights of Reality Television © 2019 Lesley James All rights reserved. ISBN 978-1-62088-839-1. Caution: This play is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, Canada, the British Commonwealth and all other countries of the copyright union and is subject to royalty for all performances including but not limited to professional, amateur, charity and classroom whether admission is charged or presented free of charge. Reservation of Rights: This play is the property of the author and all rights for its use are strictly reserved and must be licensed by the author's representative, YouthPLAYS. This prohibition of unauthorized professional and amateur stage presentations extends also to motion pictures, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video and the rights of adaptation or translation into non-English languages. Performance Licensing and Royalty Payments: Amateur and stock performance rights are administered exclusively by YouthPLAYS. No amateur, stock or educational theatre groups or individuals may perform this play without securing authorization and royalty arrangements in advance from YouthPLAYS. Required royalty fees for performing this play are available online at www.YouthPLAYS.com. Royalty fees are subject to change without notice. Required royalties must be paid each time this play is performed and may not be transferred to any other performance entity. All licensing requests and inquiries should be addressed to YouthPLAYS. Author Credit: All groups or individuals receiving permission to produce this play must give the author(s) credit in any and all advertisements and publicity relating to the production of this play. The author's billing must appear directly below the title on a separate line with no other accompanying written matter. The name of the author(s) must be at least 50% as large as the title of the play. No person or entity may receive larger or more prominent credit than that which is given to the author(s) and the name of the author(s) may not be abbreviated or otherwise altered from the form in which it appears in this Play. Publisher Attribution: All programs, advertisements, flyers or other printed material must include the following notice:

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CAST OF CHARACTERS

SCHEHERAZADE, the producer of A Thousand and One Nights TV. A capable and business-like woman.

PASTERNAK, one of Scheherazade's production assistants. Devoted to Scheherazade as a greatly admired mentor—not in a romantic or sycophantic way.

PATEL, one of Scheherazade's production assistants. Frazzled and easily annoyed.

PAZZO (pronounced pot-zo), one of Scheherazade's production assistants. Well-meaning but clueless.

THE INTERN, an earnest and eager-to-please young man.

THE CLAPPER, full of "ideas."

HOST 1, the host of So You Think You Can Cook?. Smiles really big no matter what's happening.

JUDGE 1, the judge of So You Think You Can Cook?.

CHEF, a contestant on So You Think You Can Cook?.

VOTING-OFF COUNCIL 1, looks like a contestant on Survivor, wearing shorts, bandana, etc.

VOTING-OFF COUNCIL 2, the same.

VOTING-OFF COUNCIL 3, the same.

THE EVIL WITCH, female, a stereotypical evil witch.

HANSEL, male, voice only.

GRETEL, female, voice only.

GINGERBREAD MAN, voice only.

HOST 2, the host of The Spinster. Smiles really big no matter what's happening.

THE SPINSTER, not pleased with how her show is going.

PRINCE CHARMING 1, a stereotypical Bachelorette contestant.

PRINCE CHARMING 2, looks as much as possible like Prince Charming 1.

PRINCE CHARMING 3, looks as much as possible like Prince Charming 1.

FROG PRINCE, very handsome. Dressed in green.

JUDGE 2, a judge of The Kingdom's Got Talent.



ALADDIN, male, dressed in loose pants and top with a sash around the waist.

GENIE, male, voice only.

JUDGE 5, a judge of So You Think You Can Sing?.



HOST 3, the host of So You Think You Can Sing? and So You Think You Can Sew?. Smiles really big no matter what's happening.

TAFKATUD, The Artist Formerly Known As The Ugly Duckling. A contestant on So You Think You Can Sing?.

LITTLE MERMAID, female, silently brave. As wet as possible without making the stage slippery.

BRIAR ROSE, female, extremely naïve.

CINDERELLA, female, sweet, innocent and long-suffering. Dressed in a simple T-shirt and jeans.

STEPMOTHER, vain and selfish. Dressed in an exaggerated version of whatever is currently stylish.

STEPSISTER 1, the same as her mother.

STEPSISTER2, the same as her mother.

PHONE, voice only.

HOST 4, the host of Quite the Catch. Smiles really big no matter what's happening.

DARIA, a poor woodcutter's daughter, and also a yoga instructor. Dressed as if for a date.

NADIA, a poor woodcutter's daughter, and also a Zamboni driver. Dressed as if for a date.

LIDIA, a poor woodcutter's daughter and also an aspiring dolphin trainer. Dressed as if for a date.

GLORIA, a poor woodcutter's daughter. Dressed as if for a date.

THE CATCH, wears sloppy clothes, covered in stains. Also horns and, if possible, fangs. He should look as unappealing as possible.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN, male, dressed like a successful fashion designer.

THE CAMERAPERSON, efficient.

THE SULTAN, male, dressed in a suit and tie.

AUDIENCE 1, voice only.

AUDIENCE 2, voice only.

AUDIENCE 3, a child, voice only.

AUDIENCE 4, a mother, voice only.

THE ACTUAL INTERN, earnest and eager to please.

Characters may be of any gender unless otherwise specified.

SETTING

A Thousand and One Nights TV studio. The present.

PRODUCTION NOTES

Any references to technology, games and/or social media may be changed to reflect current trends.

DEDICATION

This play is dedicated to the original director and cast, who helped bring it to life: Drama Teacher Extraordinaire Rebecca Davis and the Bellevue Big Picture School Drama Class of Spring 2017.

Lesley James

© Lesley James This is a perusal copy only.

Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted.

8

SCENE 1

(Upstage left, there's a "silhouette stage" with a white sheet supported by a frame [could be constructed using PVC pipes; allow enough room for three people to comfortably stand behind it] and one or two bright lights to shine through it. Downstage is a table with three chairs forming the "set" of the TV shows. Stage right are two chairs facing the "set," but cheated out. THE INTERN enters and waits expectantly, looking around at his surroundings, checking to make sure his clothes and hair look OK, like someone ready for a job interview—which, in a way, he is. SCHEHERAZADE, PASTERNAK, PATEL and PAZZO enter briskly, ready to take care of business. Pasternak carries a small to-go coffee cup. None of them notice or acknowledge the Intern.)

PASTERNAK: (Speaking as they enter and handing Scheherazade the coffee cup:) Here's your coffee, Scheherazade. Just how you like it. Three sugars.

SCHEHERAZADE: (Takes a big swig of coffee. Throughout scene, continues to take swigs.) Thanks, Pasternak. What've you got for me?

PASTERNAK: (Checking clipboard:) There's a problem in Studio 683. Water is leaking through the ceiling. Puddles everywhere.

SCHEHERAZADE: Water? Where's it coming from?

PASTERNAK: (Checking clipboard:) Well, Studio 683 is right below the mermaid tank, so...

SCHEHERAZADE: Put a bucket under the leak, then call the set construction department and have someone take a look at it.

PASTERNAK: (Nodding and making a note on the clipboard:) What about the mermaids?

SCHEHERAZADE: Got to keep the talent happy. Send them a plate of shrimp.

PASTERNAK: Great idea. They'll love that.

A Thousand and One Nights of Reality Television



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SCHEHERAZADE: What else?

PASTERNAK: A shipment of frogs arrived. We're not sure where to put them.

SCHEHERAZADE: Who ordered a shipment of frogs?

PASTERNAK: (Checks clipboard:) Hmm. I think they're for one of the dating shows.

SCHEHERAZADE: OK. Put the frogs in Studio 683, the one that's full of puddles. Throw in a couple of lily pads. They should feel right at home.

PASTERNAK: Brilliant. You think of everything, boss!

SCHEHERAZADE: What about you, Patel?

PATEL: The Sultan called.

(Scheherazade, Pasternak and Patel are clearly not fans of the Sultan.)

He wants to know what the ratings were for last night's episode of So You Think You Can Eat Something Disgusting?.

SCHEHERAZADE: He couldn't wait for the weekly ratings report?

PATEL: Of course not. He needs to know right away because he was the winning contestant.

PASTERNAK: I still can't believe he won.

SCHEHERAZADE: I really did not think he would eat that.

PATEL: It truly was something disgusting.

SCHEHERAZADE: Well, we all know how much the Sultan cares about the public's opinion.

PATEL: There is nothing he cares about more.

SCHEHERAZADE: And we all know how he feels about winning.

Lesley James



10

(Makes hand gesture that will be the same every time this line is said:)

Losing is for losers...

SCHEHERAZADE, PATEL & PASTERNAK: (Using the same intonation and gesture every time this line is said throughout:) ...and this kingdom only has room for winners.

SCHEHERAZADE: Patel, you'd better put together a report on last night's ratings.

PATEL: (Making a note on the clipboard, though it's hard to do while also carrying a phone:) On it, boss.

SCHEHERAZADE: We can present it to him when he gets here for this evening's "very special episode."

(Smiles as if thinking about a really great secret.)

OK, Pazzo, what do you have for me?

PAZZO: (This whole time, hasn't been paying attention, daydreaming, and is now caught off guard:) Oh! Was I supposed to get you a present?

SCHEHERAZADE: (With exaggerated patience:) No. What do you have on your clipboard?

PAZZO: (Pleased to know the answer:) I have some paper.

SCHEHERAZADE: Is there anything written on that paper that you're supposed to tell me about?

PAZZO: (Starts looking through sheets of paper on clipboard. Quite a few sheets of paper. Finally finds something:) There is! You have a new intern.

PASTERNAK: Scheherazade doesn't need an intern. She has me. And you, Patel. And, I guess, she has you too, Pazzo.




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SCHEHERAZADE: It's OK, Pasternak. It's good for young people to have real-life work experience. Let's give this intern a chance.

(The Intern has moved to stand directly behind Scheherazade, so when she turns around she's surprised to find him only a few inches in front of her. She shakes his hand. He seems nervous and excited.)

PAZZO: (Gesturing towards the Intern:) Here's your new intern.

SCHEHERAZADE: (Briskly:) Hello, I'm Scheherazade, Executive Producer here at A Thousand and One Nights TV.

PAZZO: She's the head honcho.

THE INTERN: Hello, Scheherazade. I'm—

SCHEHERAZADE: Happy to meet me. You've always wanted to work in the reality television biz, etc., etc.

THE INTERN: Actually, I was hoping—

SCHEHERAZADE To ask me some questions? I'll do my best to answer them but we've got a very tight schedule today.

PASTERNAK: She's incredibly busy.

SCHEHERAZADE: As you probably know, I have to come up with a new idea for a reality TV show every night or the Sultan will have me executed.

PATEL: (Mimes a head being chopped off:) He'll chop off her head.

THE INTERN: Yes, I know. That's why I—

SCHEHERAZADE: Really should not keep interrupting me. I also have to keep an eye on all the shows that are already in production.

PASTERNAK: She's a real multi-tasker.

Lesley James



12

SCHEHERAZADE: So I'm afraid I don't have time for pleasantries.

PASTERNAK: Let's skip the chit chat.

SCHEHERAZADE: (To Pasternak:) Why don't you go check on that shipment of frogs?

PASTERNAK: (To the Intern:) Those frogs need to be checked on.

SCHEHERAZADE: (To Pasternak:) No, you should go check on the frogs.

PASTERNAK: (Exiting briskly:) I'll go check on those frogs.

SCHEHERAZADE: (To Patel:) And you should get to work on that ratings report the Sultan wanted.

PATEL: (Exiting briskly:) On it, boss.

SCHEHERAZADE: Running the top network in the kingdom is a very demanding job. I spend most of the day going from studio to studio.

THE INTERN: How many studios are there?

SCHEHERAZADE: A thousand and one.

PAZZO: That's why it's called A Thousand and One Nights TV.

SCHEHERAZADE: Pazzo, why don't you...

(Tries to think of something Pazzo could be relied on to do:)

...get me some more coffee.

PAZZO: (Not moving:) On it, boss.

SCHEHERAZADE: (Waits a beat, then gives up:) Never mind.

(To the Intern, while leading the way to the exit:)

Let's go. I'm heading to the first studio.

(Scheherazade and the Intern exit.)




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PAZZO: (Looks around vaguely, then catches sight of something on the clipboard:) Oh! I should tell Scheherazade she has a new intern starting today.

(Pazzo exits. Blackout.)

SCENE 2

(On the table there are three porridge-encrusted bowls and spoons, plus a plate with a GINGERBREAD MAN. Behind the silhouette stage is a large cut-out of a cooking pot and an actual cooking spoon. Scheherazade and the Intern enter. Pasternak enters shortly after them with a large to-go coffee cup.)

SCHEHERAZADE: This is our cooking competition show. I wanted to check in on it because there have been some...unforeseen circumstances.

(Pasternak hands the large coffee cup to Scheherazade.)

PASTERNAK: Here's your coffee. I put five sugars in it.

SCHEHERAZADE: Perfect.

(Takes a big swig of coffee. Throughout scene, continues to take swigs. HOST 1 and JUDGE 1 enter from behind the silhouette stage and begin a silent conversation. Judge 1 is upset and clearly refusing to do something. Host 1 is offering reassurance. Scheherazade walks over to join them and also tries to reassure Host 1. Meanwhile, CHEF enters from behind the silhouette stage and stands proudly behind the table, on which there are three porridge bowls.)

THE INTERN: (To Pasternak:) What does she mean, unforeseen circumstances?

PASTERNAK: Let's just say we forgot to find out if the people who judge the food had certain allergies.

THE INTERN: Like gluten intolerance?

Lesley James



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PASTERNAK: Intolerance to gluten, dairy, deadly poison. Things like that.

(Judge 1 has finally reluctantly agreed to something. Scheherazade returns to the Intern and Pasternak and gestures towards the chairs stage right.)

SCHEHERAZADE: We can sit here while they're shooting.

(Scheherazade and the Intern sit in the chairs, while Pasternak stands behind them. THE CLAPPER enters.)

THE CLAPPER: (Holds up the clapperboard reading So You Think You Can Cook? and claps it:)

So You Think You Can Cook? scene 42, take 9. Quiet on the set!

(The Clapper exits. Although Host 1 has been talking seriously to Judge 1, as soon as the Clapper's line ends, Host 1 switches to a huge smile and a chipper, showbiz-style voice.)

HOST 1: (To the audience:) It's time to find out what the chefs have been cooking up in the kitchen. (To Judge 1:) Are you ready to taste the results of the Porridge Challenge?

JUDGE 1: (Reluctantly:) If I have to.

(Host 1 and Judge 1 walk over to the table. Judge 1 looks at the bowl in front of the chef.)

There's nothing in this bowl.

CHEF: That's right. The other judge already tasted it.

JUDGE 1: What other judge? I'm the only judge left on this show after all the...unforeseen circumstances.

CHEF: No, there was another judge. A cute little girl with curly blonde hair. Kind of a gold color, actually.

JUDGE 1: There's some porridge left in these other two bowls.




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CHEF: She said that one was too hot and that one was too cold. But she said my porridge was just right and she ate every last bite.

JUDGE 1: That's a relief. I'd really rather not taste anything on this show.

CHEF: So I'm the winner, right?

HOST 1: Actually, I'm very sorry to tell you this, but it sounds like someone snuck in here and pretended to be a judge. Without anything for the real judge to taste, you'll have to be disqualified.

CHEF: (Horrified by this news:) What?! That's not fair! She said my porridge was just right!

HOST 1: Unfortunately, whatever the kid with the gold hair said doesn't count. And I'm afraid that being disqualified is the same as—

CHEF: No! Don't say it!

HOST 1: (Struggling to maintain that chipper, showbiz style, not actually happy about what's about to happen:) ...losing. And, as you know, this kingdom only has room for winners. Ah, here's the Voting-Off Council now. They'll vote on your fate, even though we all know what the outcome will be.

(VOTING-OFF COUNCIL MEMBER 1, VOTING-OFF COUNCIL MEMBER 2 and VOTING-OFF COUNCIL MEMBER 3 enter. They perform all their actions as quickly as possible while Host 1 narrates.)

They're casting their votes...

(Voting-Off Council Members sit cross-legged on the floor, then raise their right hands simultaneously.)

And, sure enough, you have been voted out of the kingdom.

Lesley James



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(Voting-Off Council Members stand, then grab Chef and march off to exit.)

CHEF: (Struggling to escape:) Give me another chance! I can make more porridge!

JUDGE 1: (Hoping for a reprieve:) Oh, well! It looks like there's nothing more for me to taste...

HOST 1: (Reclaiming the chipper, showbiz style:) Hold on. We do still have another chef in the kitchen.

(Host 1 and Judge 1 turn to look at the silhouette stage. The light comes on, and we see a large cooking pot in silhouette. The EVIL WITCH is stirring the pot with a spoon.)

VOICE OF HANSEL: It's getting kind of warm in here, Gretel.

VOICE OF GRETEL: I know, Hansel. I'm not sure we should have believed that old lady when she told us there was candy in this big iron pot.

VOICE OF HANSEL: We didn't both need to climb into the pot to look for the candy.

VOICE OF GRETEL: And we haven't found any candy anyway. I'm going to try to climb out.

(A hand appears, emerging from the cooking pot. The Evil Witch hits it with the spoon and it goes back down.)

Ouch! Something hit me!

VOICE OF HANSEL: Let me try.

(Another hand appears, gets hit, disappears.)

Ouch! We've got to get out of here. It's really getting uncomfortably warm.

VOICE OF GRETEL: Yes, it is. I'm really stewing in here.

(Two hands appear, get hit, but continue waving around.)




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VOICE OF HANSEL: Help! Let us out of here!

VOICE OF GRETEL: It's really hot! Help! Help!

(The light goes dark, ending the silhouette scene. Host 1 and Judge 1 turn away from the silhouette stage and move back to the table. Host 1 picks up the plate and offers the Gingerbread Man to Judge 1.)

HOST 1: It looks like that dish isn't quite ready yet. Why don't you taste this one?

(Judge 1 picks up the Gingerbread Man, inspects it, sniffs it suspiciously, then bites off an arm.)

VOICE OF GINGERBREAD MAN: Ouch! My arm! Oh, the pain is excruciating!

(Host 1 and Judge 1 look around, unable to tell where the voice is coming from. Judge 1 shrugs and bites off a leg.)

Not my leg! I'll never walk again! Please stop!

JUDGE 1: I like the spiciness. I can definitely taste the nutmeg and cloves. But the texture is a little dry and crumbly.

VOICE OF GINGERBREAD MAN: Why are you doing this to me? Nooo—

(Gingerbread Man's voice is cut off as Judge 1 bites off the head.)

JUDGE 1: I also think it could have used a little more cinnamon.

(Judge 1 puts the remains of the Gingerbread Man on the plate. The Evil Witch emerges from behind the silhouette stage, carrying an apple. Host 1 puts the Gingerbread Man plate back on the table.)

HOST 1: It looks like we have one more dish for you to try.

THE EVIL WITCH: (Offering the apple to Judge 1:) Here you are, my pretty.

Lesley James



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(Judge 1 picks up the apple and takes a bite out of it, then falls to the floor. The Evil Witch laughs evilly and exits via the silhouette stage. Host 1 is struggling to continue smiling, but it's very forced.)

HOST 1: (To the audience:) Looks like there's been another...unforeseen circumstance, folks. We'll be right back after these messages!

(To Scheherazade, finally letting the huge smile drop and showing frustration:)

Well that's just great! She's fallen into a death-like sleep! And that was our last judge! What are we going to do now?

(Scheherazade, Pasternak and the Intern enter the action.)

SCHEHERAZADE: Pasternak, call the medical department and have someone get down here to revive her.

PASTERNAK: On it, boss.

(Pasternak starts to exit but the Intern speaks up, delaying the exit.)

THE INTERN: She looks kind of...dead. What can anyone in the medical department do for her?

PASTERNAK: We keep a Handsome Prince on hand for emergencies like this. One kiss and she should be all right again.

THE INTERN: (Taking out a chapstick and uncapping it as Pasternak proceeds to exit:) Well, if that's all you need...

SCHEHERAZADE: There's nothing more we can do here. Let's head to the next studio.

(Scheherazade and the Intern exit. Host 1 and Judge 1 exit behind the silhouette stage. Blackout.)

SCENE 3

(Scheherazade, the Intern and Pasternak enter.)




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THE INTERN: What was all that with the Voting-Off Council? Does that chef really have to leave the kingdom?

PASTERNAK: Yes, if you lose, you get exiled.

THE INTERN: Why would anyone agree to be a contestant if they know what happens if they lose?

PASTERNAK: Well, if you win, you get a ton of prize money. For some people, that's worth the risk.

THE INTERN: Still, getting exiled seems kind of...harsh.

PASTERNAK: It's better than being executed. Which was what the Sultan originally wanted to have happen. Scheherazade talked him into exile instead.

THE INTERN: Does the Voting-Off Council ever vote to let people stay?

PASTERNAK: Oh, no. The Sultan wouldn't like that.

THE INTERN: You mean this whole thing was the Sultan's idea?

PASTERNAK: Of course it was. Scheherazade would never do anything so cruel.

SCHEHERAZADE: As our dear Sultan is so fond of saying, losing is for losers...

SCHEHERAZADE & PASTERNAK: ...and this kingdom only has room for winners.

SCHEHERAZADE: (Sharing a smile about a secret with Pasternak:) He's said it so many times. I wonder if he'll ever regret it? Or be sorry for all the times he was a bit...harsh?

(Patel enters carrying a three-ring binder in addition to the clipboard and phone, having trouble managing all of it.)

PATEL: Hey, boss, I have that ratings report.

Lesley James



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(HOST 2 and THE SPINSTER enter from behind the silhouette stage. The Spinster is upset and Host 2 is trying to convince her of something.)

THE SPINSTER: I can't take it anymore! I did not sign up for this!

HOST 2: You actually did sign up for this. It was in your contract.

THE SPINSTER: I didn't see anything about this in the contract.

HOST 2: It was in really, really tiny letters. That had been smudged. And written in French.

THE SPINSTER: That's not fair!

HOST 2: Here's the Executive Producer. You can talk to her about it.

SCHEHERAZADE: Pasternak, go see if there are any fairy godmothers in the staff breakroom. We may need some help.

PASTERNAK: On it, boss.

SCHEHERAZADE: Let's talk backstage.

(Pasternak exits. Scheherazade, the Intern, the Spinster and Host 2 exit behind the silhouette stage. At the same time, the Clapper enters and approaches Patel.)

THE CLAPPER: Hey, Patel, can I talk to you?

PATEL: This isn't really a good time.

THE CLAPPER: It will only take a second. The thing is, I've been coming up with ideas for shows and I've got one I think you'll really like.

PATEL: I'm pretty sure I won't.

THE CLAPPER: Hear me out! My idea is...




21

(Gestures grandly:)

Dancing with the Cars.

PATEL: With the cars?

(Mimes steering a car, which is hard to do with all the props:)

As in "vroom, vroom"?

THE CLAPPER: (Nods eagerly:) That's right. Dancing with the Cars.

PATEL: You do know cars can't dance, right?

THE CLAPPER: Of course. On this show, people would dance inside the cars.

PATEL: That is a terrible idea.

THE CLAPPER: Just think about it. Please?

PATEL: You'd better stick to what you do best, which is clapping. Now get out there and clap.

THE CLAPPER: (Moving away:) So you'll think about it? Great!

(Scheherazade, the Intern, the Spinster and Host 2 re-enter from behind the silhouette stage.)

SCHEHERAZADE: I'm glad we could work that out. Let's get started.

(Scheherazade and the Intern sit in the chairs stage right, while Patel stands behind them. Host 2 and the Spinster take their places, the Spinster looking uncomfortable, like she wishes she was anywhere else. The Clapper holds up the clapperboard reading The Spinster and claps it:)

THE CLAPPER: The Spinster, scene 53, take 1. Quiet on the set!

(The Clapper gives Patel a big thumbs up, then exits. As soon as the Clapper's line ends, Host 2 switches to a huge smile and a chipper, showbiz-style voice.)

Lesley James



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HOST 2: (To the audience:) Welcome back to The Spinster.

THE SPINSTER: I really wish we could do something about that name.

HOST 2: It's down to the last three contestants. Which of them will The Spinster say a tearful goodbye to tonight? Will it be Prince Charming?

(PRINCE CHARMING 1 enters from behind the silhouette stage, smiling in a cheesy way, waves flirtatiously at the Spinster, who does not look pleased. He takes a seat, crossing one leg over the other.)

Or will it be Prince Charming?

(PRINCE CHARMING 2 enters from behind the silhouette stage, smiling as identically as possible to the first contestant, blows a kiss at the Spinster, who rolls her eyes. He takes a seat, starts to cross his legs the opposite way from PC 1, then notices how PC 1 is sitting and crosses his legs the same way.)

Or will it be Prince Charming?

(PRINCE CHARMING 3 enters from behind the silhouette stage, smiling as identically as possible to the other two, makes a heart shape with his hands at the Spinster, who shakes her head and looks away. He takes a seat and crosses his leg the same way as the other two. To the Spinster:)

Which of these charming suitors gets to remain in the competition?

THE SPINSTER: I don't know. It's, um, really hard to tell them apart.

HOST 2: (To Prince Charming 1:) Prince Charming, why don't you remind The Spinster of the special times you've spent together. Maybe that will help her make this tough decision.




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PRINCE CHARMING 1: (To the Spinster:) I'll never forget that romantic date we went on. We had a candlelit dinner, then went for a stroll in the moonlight, then climbed to the top of a very high tower.

THE SPINSTER: Oh, that's right, you're the one who left me at the top of a very high tower.

PRINCE CHARMING 1: You let down your beautiful hair and I admired its silky smoothness the whole time I was using it to climb down from the very high tower.

THE SPINSTER: (Rubbing her head:) That really hurt!

PRINCE CHARMING 1: I hope we'll go on many more romantic dates just like that one. There are so many very high towers.

THE SPINSTER: I don't think I'll have any hair left if we do.

HOST 2: (To Prince Charming 2:) Prince Charming, tell us about your special memories.

PRINCE CHARMING 2: (To the Spinster:) I treasure the memory of the romantic evening we spent together. Just you, me, and that spinning wheel you used to spin straw into gold.

THE SPINSTER: My fingers were covered in blisters.

PRINCE CHARMING 2: We talked about the life we'd build together, the children we'd have and the house we'd make into a home. Just as soon as you finished spinning all that straw into gold.

THE SPINSTER: Why did you need all that gold anyway? Aren't you a prince?

PRINCE CHARMING 2: Have you seen the cost of college tuition these days? And houses aren't cheap either.

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THE SPINSTER: Well, you'll have to find some other way to buy a house. And someone else to live in it with. My fingers are still bleeding.

HOST 2: (To Prince Charming 3:) Prince Charming, which romantic date was your favorite?

PRINCE CHARMING 3: They were all so special. It's really hard to choose.

THE SPINSTER: I remember you! You're the one who turned into a bear!

HOST 2: Wait, what?!?

PRINCE CHARMING 3: Yes, but I was only a bear during the day. At night, I turned back into a charming prince for the rest of our romantic date.

THE SPINSTER: Was that a date? I couldn't tell because you were sound asleep the entire time. I had to light a candle so I could see you.

PRINCE CHARMING 3: It was so cute when you discovered my secret!

THE SPINSTER: I splashed melted candle wax all over the place.

PRINCE CHARMING 3: And I'll never forget the romantic way you washed it out of my shirt.

THE SPINSTER: It's kind of weird how many of these "dates" were actually household chores.

HOST 2: Hang on. He was a bear? And you got candle wax on his shirt? I don't think I know this one.

THE SPINSTER: It's called "East of the Sun, West of the Moon." His stepmother is an evil troll queen and she wants him to




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marry his stepsister but then they both explode and there's troll guts everywhere and it's a whole thing.

HOST 2: Exploding troll guts? OK, this is getting weird.

THE SPINSTER: Like riding around in a pumpkin or living with seven dwarves is totally normal?

PRINCE CHARMING 3: (Like a smug hipster:) It's a really cool, obscure story that only a few people know about.

THE SPINSTER: And guess who ended up having to clean up all those troll guts!

HOST 2: (Reclaiming the showbiz smile and manner:) It looks like it's going to be a very difficult and dramatic decision-making time for the Spinster. (To the Prince Charmings:) Gentlemen, you've made it very hard for the Spinster to choose one of you. She's going to need some time to think this over.

(The Prince Charmings exit behind the silhouette stage, winking and blowing kisses at the Spinster as they go. She rolls her eyes.)

HOST 2: Now comes the hard part: making up your mind. You'll have to kiss one of these charming men goodbye forever.

THE SPINSTER: Can't I just kiss them all goodbye? And maybe skip the kissing part?

HOST 2: But guess what? We're going to make this decision even harder. We have a surprise for you.

(Pazzo enters bearing a velvet cushion in a ceremonial way. There might even be some dramatic music. On the cushion is a frog, which Pazzo presents to the Spinster, who is very confused.)

I'll leave you two to get acquainted.

VOICE OF FROG PRINCE: Ribbit.

(Host 2 exits behind the silhouette stage. The Spinster looks around. There's a fairly long pause.)

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THE SPINSTER: Um, this is a frog. What am I supposed to do with it?


(Pazzo whispers something to the Spinster.)

THE SPINSTER: They want me to what?!?

(Pazzo whispers to her again, gesturing at the frog and making kissing noises.)

Ew, gross, no! That's disgusting!


PAZZO: I was surprised too. You just met this frog.

(The Spinster holds the frog as far away from herself as possible, making a disgusted face.)

THE SPINSTER: It's covered in warts!


PAZZO: The show could really use a boost in the ratings.

(The Spinster starts to look like she might give in.)

Your fans would love it.

THE SPINSTER: (Beat.) OK. For my fans.

(Pazzo leaves the TV show set. The Spinster pretends to see the frog for the first time.)

What's this? A frog? For some reason, I have a completely spontaneous urge to kiss it.

(The Spinster kisses the frog, then begins making "blech" sounds and acting grossed out. She stumbles back towards the silhouette stage and hurls the frog behind it.)

VOICE OF FROG PRINCE: Rib—ouch!




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(FROG PRINCE enters from behind the silhouette stage, limping and acting like he's in pain. The Spinster is pleased to see him, impressed by his looks.)

THE SPINSTER: Well, hello there! Are you a new contestant on my show?

FROG PRINCE: Hunh! No way. Not after the way you treated me.

THE SPINSTER: (Confused:) What are you talking about?

FROG PRINCE: You just hurled me against a wall! And it really hurt!

THE SPINSTER: I have no idea what you mean.

FROG PRINCE: Well, I was quite a bit smaller at the time. And greener. And covered in warts. Ring any bells?

THE SPINSTER: (Realizing:) You mean...

FROG PRINCE: Yes, I'd been turned into a frog by an evil witch.

THE SPINSTER: And now you've been turned back into a Handsome Prince?

FROG PRINCE: In a very painful way.

THE SPINSTER: (Starting to get annoyed:) You mean it was painful getting kissed by me?

FROG PRINCE: No, it was painful getting hurled against a wall.

THE SPINSTER: I'm pretty sure the kiss is what turned you back into a prince.

FROG PRINCE: And I'm pretty sure it was the hurling.

THE SPINSTER: Either way, you have me to thank for your transformation.

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FROG PRINCE: Although you didn't want to kiss me. You were all like...

(Frog Prince mimics her "blech" sounds and grossed-out face.)

THE SPINSTER: Well, you were a frog.

FROG PRINCE: So? You couldn't look past my appearance to love me for who I was on the inside?

THE SPINSTER: I'm pretty sure that who you were on the inside was someone who liked to eat flies.

FROG PRINCE: I was a prince!

THE SPINSTER: Who liked to eat flies!

FROG PRINCE: Ugh! This is ridiculous! I'm out of here!

THE SPINSTER: Me, too!

(Frog Prince and the Spinster storm off in opposite directions.)

THE INTERN: Well, that didn't go very well.

SCHEHERAZADE: Are you kidding? That was some great drama! They really hate each other. Now we just have to figure out a way to get them together. The viewers will love it. Let's go to the next studio.

(Scheherazade, Pazzo, Patel and the Intern exit. Blackout.)

SCENE 4

(Scheherazade and the Intern enter. Patel is right behind them, listening to a phone call, struggling to carry the clipboard, the three-ring binder and, now, an apple. Patel's hair and clothes are in slight disarray, indicating a lot of running around.)

PATEL: Yes, Your Majesty. Of course, Your Majesty.

(Patel ends the phone call.)

SCHEHERAZADE: Let me guess who that was, Patel.




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PATEL: The Sultan wants to know how the ratings for last night's episode of So You Think You Can Eat Something Disgusting? compared to the ratings for Sultan vs. Wild.

THE INTERN: So last night wasn't the first time the Sultan has been a contestant on a show?

PATEL: Oh no. The Sultan loves appearing on shows. And he loves winning. Scheherazade created a show called Sultan vs. Wild that was supposed to be all about the Sultan surviving in the wilderness, sleeping outdoors, foraging for food, that kind of thing.

THE INTERN: Sounds like it might be kind of challenging for someone who's used to living in a palace and having servants do everything for him.

PATEL: Oh, it was a challenge all right. That's why he got his servants to set up a fancy tent for him. And kill and cook some chipmunks for his dinner.

THE INTERN: So how did he manage to be the winner if he cheated like that?

PATEL: Well, technically, he did survive in the wilderness. But the ratings for the show were very low. And the Sultan hates low approval ratings.

SCHEHERAZADE: Patel, does the report include a comparison between those ratings and last night's episode of So You Think You Can Eat Something Disgusting?.

PATEL: (Struggling to hold up the binder while holding on to everything else:) It's all in here.

THE INTERN: Sounds like it also might be kind of challenging for the Sultan to eat something disgusting.

SCHEHERAZADE: (Bitterly:) It was supposed to be very challenging.

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PATEL: I still can't believe he ate that.

SCHEHERAZADE: It was the most disgusting thing I could think of.

PATEL: But he ate it.

SCHEHERAZADE: And he won. Again.

PATEL: And the ratings for the show were very high. People loved it.

SCHEHERAZADE: And the Sultan loved that. And now I'm counting on him wanting to get those same high ratings on tonight's "very special episode."

(The Clapper enters and crosses to Patel eagerly.)

THE CLAPPER: Hey, Patel! You're going to love my new idea for a show!

PATEL: Oh, no. What now?

THE CLAPPER: It's called So You Think You Can Blow Your Nose?. Let me explain.

PATEL: You really don't have to.

THE CLAPPER: People would compete to see who can blow the most snot out of their nose.

PATEL: Please stop.

SCHEHERAZADE: What's going on?

THE CLAPPER: I've got some fantastic ideas for new shows.

SCHEHERAZADE: That's great. You can write them down and give them to Patel. Later. Right now, we need to get this show started.

(JUDGE 2, JUDGE 3 and JUDGE 4 have entered from behind the silhouette stage and taken their places at the judges' table. The Clapper moves downstage.)




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THE CLAPPER: (Holds up the clapperboard that reads The Kingdom's Got Talent and claps it:)

The Kingdom's Got Talent, scene 131, take 1. Quiet on the set!

(The Clapper exits. ALADDIN enters from behind the silhouette stage, carrying a rolled-up carpet and a "lamp"—the kind a genie would come out of. He unrolls the carpet on the floor.)

ALADDIN: Tonight I will amaze you with an astounding feat of magic! Using my mysterious skills, I will make this carpet fly through the air!

(Aladdin rubs the lamp and waits expectantly. Nothing happens. He looks over at the judges, who tap their fingers impatiently on the table and otherwise look unimpressed. Aladdin rubs the lamp again, more vigorously this time. He leans down to stage-whisper to the lamp.)

Hey, Genie, where are you? I'm rubbing the lamp. Aren't you supposed to come out and do my bidding?

VOICE OF GENIE: No.

ALADDIN: Yes, you are.

VOICE OF GENIE: Am not.

ALADDIN: Are so.

VOICE OF GENIE: (Blows raspberry:) Pttttt.

ALADDIN: What's going on? I thought I was supposed to be your master.

VOICE OF GENIE: Listen, I'm more than happy to help you save a princess. I'll even move an entire palace from one location to another for you. But I did not sign up to help you win some stupid reality show competition.

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(Aladdin looks over at the judges nervously, hoping they didn't hear any of this. He holds up a finger to say, "It'll just be a minute." They act even more impatient.)

ALADDIN: You didn't "sign up" for anything! I rub the lamp and you have to come out and do whatever I command you to do.

VOICE OF GENIE: Not this time. I'm sick of you taking all the credit for my hard work. You call yourself a magician, but I'm the one who actually does all the magic around here.

ALADDIN: Well, I'm the one who comes up with the ideas for how to use that magic.

VOICE OF GENIE: But I do all the heavy lifting. I'm going to take the day off and play Minecraft.

JUDGE 2: Mr. Aladdin, is that carpet going to fly or not?

JUDGE 3: We haven't got all day.

JUDGE 4: There are other contestants with actual talents waiting for their turn.

ALADDIN: Thanks a lot, Genie! I hope you really like Minecraft because I'm not letting you out of this lamp for a really long time.

VOICE OF GENIE: I do really like Minecraft so I don't care if you let me out or not.

ALADDIN: You'll be sorry.

VOICE OF GENIE: No, I won't.

ALADDIN: Will, too.

VOICE OF GENIE: Will not.

JUDGE 2: I'm sorry, Mr. Aladdin, but you've run out of time.

JUDGE 3: And I'm afraid you know what that means.




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JUDGE 4: It means you've lost the competition.

ALADDIN: No! Wait! Let me try one more time!

JUDGES 2, 3 & 4: And this kingdom only has room for winners.

ALADDIN: Just one more chance!

JUDGE 2: The Voting-Off Council is assembling...

(Voting-Off Council Member 1, Voting-Off Council Member 2 and Voting-Off Council Member 3 enter. They perform all their actions as quickly as possible while the judges narrate.)

JUDGE 3: They're casting their votes...

(Voting-Off Council Members sit cross-legged on the floor, then raise their right hands simultaneously.)

JUDGE 4: And, I'm very sorry to say, Mr. Aladdin, you have been voted out of the kingdom.

(Voting-Off Council Members stand, then grab Aladdin and march him off, exiting. The judges stand and cross over to the abandoned carpet and lamp. Judge 2 rolls up the carpet to carry off. Judge 3 picks up the lamp.)

VOICE OF GENIE: Hey, watch it, buster. Be careful how you handle the merchandise.

(Judge 3 hands the lamp to Judge 4.)

JUDGE 3: Here, you take it.

(Judge 4 hands the lamp back to Judge 3.)

JUDGE 4: No, that's OK. It's all yours.

(The Judges exit behind the silhouette stage, accompanied by the Genie's voice.)

VOICE OF GENIE: I want to renegotiate the terms of my contract. I asked for sparkling water, but I got regular water. Regular water! I can't work like this!

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SCHEHERAZADE: Patel, I just realized we're going to need some extra-long cables for tonight's "very special episode."

PATEL: I still don't think it's going to work, boss.

SCHEHERAZADE: It will work. It has to.

PATEL: But you were so sure it was going to work when he was on So You Think You Can Eat Something Disgusting?. And then it didn't.

SCHEHERAZADE: I still can't believe he ate that.

THE INTERN: What did he have to eat?

SCHEHERAZADE: I don't think I can even say it, it was so disgusting.

PATEL: He ate a live tarantula...

SCHEHERAZADE: ...covered in boogers...

PATEL: ...inside of...

SCHEHERAZADE: Don't say it!

PATEL: ...a huge piece of broccoli!

SCHEHERAZADE: Ugh! Let's move on. Patel, get those extra-long cables.

PATEL: On it, boss.

(Scheherazade, the Intern and Patel exit. Blackout.)

SCENE 5

(Behind the silhouette stage is a large cut-out of a spinning wheel. JUDGE 5, JUDGE 6, JUDGE 7 and HOST 3 enter from behind the silhouette stage and take their places. They begin silently mouthing lines, as if they are on mute. They are performing for the cameras: with a huge smile and a chipper, showbiz style, Host 3 asks each judge for an opinion, which they give. Scheherazade and the Intern enter and pause at the edge of the stage. Pasternak




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enters shortly after them with a thermos and a handful of at least 20 empty sugar packets. Pasternak hands the thermos to Scheherazade.)

PASTERNAK: Here's your coffee. I lost count of how many sugars I put in it, but it was about this many.

SCHEHERAZADE: Just what I needed. Thanks, Pasternak.

(Scheherazade takes a big swig of coffee. Throughout scene, continues to take swigs.)

Looks like they're already recording. Let's sneak in quietly.

(Scheherazade, Pasternak and the Intern tiptoe "into" the TV show set. As they "enter," Host 3's voice is "unmuted." Scheherazade and the Intern take their seats. Pasternak stands behind them.)

HOST 3: ...found it fascinating to hear what our judges had to say about that last contestant on So You Think You Can Sing?. But now it's time for our next contestant. Please welcome: The Artist Formerly Known As The Ugly Duckling!

(The judges clap politely as TAFKATUD enters from behind the silhouette stage. TAFKATUD nods graciously to the judges, strikes a dramatic pose, and begins to sing very, very badly. Everyone on stage cringes. Voting-Off Council Member 1, Voting-Off Council Member 2 and Voting-Off Council Member 3 enter. They perform all their actions even more quickly than before: sitting cross-legged on the floor, raising their right hands, standing, and dragging TAFKATUD—who is still singing—to exit.)

Well, that was too bad. Fortunately, our next contestant on So You Think You Can Sing? has a very moving real-life story that I'm sure many people in our audience will be able to relate to. She gave up everything to be with her one true love.

JUDGE 5: That is so moving.

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JUDGE 6: How romantic.

JUDGE 7: That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

HOST 3: And here she is now, ready to capture your hearts with her moving story and also a song that she's going to sing.

(LITTLE MERMAID enters from behind the silhouette stage, walking as if every step she takes is on broken glass. She smiles bravely at the judges, then at the audience.)

JUDGE 5: She looks like she's in pain. As if it hurts to walk.

HOST 3: She's still getting used to having legs. It's hard to adjust. Especially since, every time she takes a step, it feels like she's walking on broken glass.

JUDGE 6: Shouldn't she see a doctor about that?

HOST 3: Remember how she gave up everything to be with her one true love? That included being able to get around without feeling like she's walking on broken glass.

JUDGE 5: That is so moving.

JUDGE 6: How romantic.

JUDGE 7: That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

HOST 3: Who cares about agonizing foot pain when you have true love?

JUDGE 7: I have to say, she looks a bit, um, damp. When she was giving up things to be with her one true love, did she give up using towels after she gets out of the shower?

HOST 3: No, she's damp because, up until very recently, she lived in the ocean.

JUDGE 7: I see. And what song is she going to sing for us today?

HOST 3: A love song, of course.




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(Little Mermaid takes up a singer's pose, then begins to mouth the words to the song, gesticulating passionately. Host 3 and the judges pay attention as if they're hearing a beautiful voice. The Intern looks around, waiting for someone to point out that they can't hear anything. When Little Mermaid stops singing and takes a bow, Host 3 and the judges applaud enthusiastically.)

I should have pointed out that the other thing she had to give up to be with her one true love was her voice.

JUDGE 5: That is truly moving. I think we're all in agreement that she has won the competition.

JUDGE 6: Yes, indeed. Her story has moved me to tears and I'm ready to declare her the winner.

JUDGE 7: Me too. Congratulations!

(Little Mermaid reacts like any contest winner, smiling and crying and hugging Host 3. They all exit behind the silhouette stage.)

THE INTERN: I'm sorry but I don't understand how someone could win a singing competition if she doesn't have a voice.

PASTERNAK: She didn't have a voice, but she did have the most moving story.

(Patel enters, having a silent conversation with someone on the phone, and carrying some extra-long cables in addition to the clipboard, three-ring binder and apple. Hair and clothes are even more disheveled. Patel finishes the phone call while crossing to Scheherazade.)

SCHEHERAZADE: Was that the Sultan again?

PATEL: Yes. He wanted me to give you a "subtle" reminder of what will happen if you don't have a new show ready when he arrives. His exact words were, "Chop! Chop! Chop!"

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SCHEHERAZADE: That reminds me, Patel, I had a few other ideas for tonight's "very special episode."

(Scheherazade and Patel move to the side and begin a silent conversation.)

THE INTERN: Would the Sultan really have Scheherazade executed?

PASTERNAK: He would. But he won't have the chance. Not after tonight's "very special episode."

THE INTERN: Patel doesn't seem so sure about that.

PASTERNAK: Patel is wrong. Scheherazade can do anything she sets out to do.

THE INTERN: (Meaningfully:) I know. But, just in case, wouldn't it be a good idea if, say, someone were to come along and rescue Scheherazade?

PASTERNAK: No, it wouldn't! For one thing, the Sultan would just appoint someone else Executive Producer, and there's no way anyone else could do what Scheherazade does. The Sultan would go back to executing the new Executive Producer every night.

THE INTERN: You mean he...

PASTERNAK: The Sultan executed dozens of Executive Producers before Scheherazade came along. She volunteered for the job because she knew she could come up with a new show every night for as long as it takes.

THE INTERN: She volunteered?

PASTERNAK: She wanted to save people's lives. And produce wildly popular reality television, of course.

THE INTERN: But if she were to be rescued...




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PASTERNAK: She's doing everything she can to rescue us. She won't give up until she's saved the entire kingdom from the Sultan. She's the best.

(Scheherazade and Patel turn back to the others, joining the end of the conversation.)

PATEL: I sure hope so. It seems like the Sultan always finds a way to win.

PASTERNAK: You have to have faith, Patel.

SCHEHERAZADE: And we have to get ready for the next show.

THE INTERN: Don't we have to go to another studio?

PASTERNAK: We're saving some money by using this studio for two different shows.

(Host 3 enters from behind the silhouette stage.)

PATEL: We're also saving money by using the same host for both shows.

(BRIAR ROSE enters from behind the silhouette stage, carrying a large armful of straw. She sits on the floor and spreads the straw out in front of her. The Clapper enters, holds up the clapperboard that still reads So You Think You Can Sing?. Realizes what it says, takes out a marker, crosses out "Sing," writes in "Sew," then claps it.)

THE CLAPPER: So You Think You Can Sew? scene 489, take 3. Quiet on the set!

(The Clapper exits. As soon as the Clapper's line ends, Host 3 switches to a huge smile and a chipper, showbiz-style voice.)

HOST 3: Welcome to So You Think You Can Sew?! Definitely not So You Think You Can Sing?, although that host is almost as good-looking. Today's challenge is to take this straw and turn it into clothes made out of gold. Make it happen!

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(Host 3 exits behind the silhouette stage. Briar Rose fiddles with the straw, but immediately gives up in despair.)

BRIAR ROSE: Oh, no! Whatever shall I do? There's no way I can turn this straw into clothes, much less into gold.

(The Evil Witch enters from behind the silhouette stage.)

THE EVIL WITCH: Don't worry, my dear. I have just the thing. Come with me and I'll show you.

(Briar Rose and the Evil Witch stand and exit behind the silhouette stage. The light comes on and the silhouette of a spinning wheel appears on the screen.)

BRIAR ROSE: (Off:) Oh, my, what's this? I've never seen one of these before.

THE EVIL WITCH: (Off:) It's called a spinning wheel. You can use it to spin the straw into gold and win the competition.

BRIAR ROSE: (Off:) That is so nice of you! It looks like I just have to—Ouch!

(Briar Rose stumbles back onstage, yawning, barely able to stand up, then collapses on the floor, asleep. We hear the Evil Witch's voice cackling evilly.)

PATEL: Looks like she's fallen into a death-like sleep.

SCHEHERAZADE: Not again! Patel, call the landscaping department and have someone get down here with their biggest garden shears. There's going to be briar roses everywhere. Then call the medical department and tell them we need another Handsome Prince on wake-up duty.

PATEL: On it, boss.

(Patel starts to leave, but the Intern delays the exit.)

THE INTERN: Maybe I can help?




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PATEL: Thanks, but this is a job for a Handsome Prince. If we need an intern, we'll let you know.

THE INTERN: Well, that's the thing. You see, I—

(But Patel, not listening, exits. Scheherazade and Pasternak speak in undertones as they walk off, ignoring the Intern. The Intern follows to exit. Briar Rose exits behind the silhouette stage. Blackout.)

SCENE 6

(CINDERELLA, STEPMOTHER, STEPSISTER 1 and STEPSISTER 2 enter from behind the silhouette stage. Stepmother, Stepsister 1 and Stepsister 2 sit in chairs, while Cinderella kneels on the floor and begins to scrub with a rag, occasionally dipping it into a bucket. Stepmother, Stepsister 1 and Stepsister 2 begin scrolling and typing on their phones, keeping their eyes glued to the screens for much of the scene. Scheherazade and the Intern enter.)

THE INTERN: Scheherazade, can I ask you something?

SCHEHERAZADE: (Stage-whispering:) Shh. The cameras are already rolling on this set.

THE INTERN: (Stage-whispering:) They are? But nobody's doing anything. I thought they were taking a break.

SCHEHERAZADE: This is a show called Keeping Up with the Cruel Step-Family. We have to record a lot to get any interesting stories.

THE INTERN: Scheherazade, you spend all day telling other people's stories. Don't you ever wish you could be the heroine of your own story?

SCHEHERAZADE: I already am the heroine of my own story.

THE INTERN: I mean a different kind of story. A romantic story, for instance—

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SCHEHERAZADE: I like my story just fine. Now shh. I think something is actually about to happen.

(Scheherazade and the Intern sit in the chairs stage right.)

STEPSISTER 1: Mom, I'm hungry.

STEPSISTER 2: Yeah, me too. Make Cinderella go get us some sushi.

STEPMOTHER: Cinderella has to finish washing the floor. Besides, you both need to watch your weight so you look your best for the Prince's ball.

STEPSISTER 1: That is so stupid. We look awesome right now.

STEPSISTER 2: Yeah, the last photo I posted got, like, a million "likes."

STEPMOTHER: You girls aren't having any sushi until you can fit into the dresses you're going to wear to the ball.

STEPSISTER 1: No way, Mom! We can't wear those dresses. They're totally out of style.

STEPMOTHER: But you just bought them.

STEPSISTER 2: Yeah, last week. We totally need new ones.

STEPSISTER 1: And new shoes.

STEPSISTER 2: And new jewelry.

STEPMOTHER: Oh, all right. I do want you to look your best so the Prince will want to marry one of you.

(The Stepsisters start to show each other things on their phones.)

STEPSISTER 1: I want this dress.

STEPSISTER 2: Why? It looks so stupid.

STEPSISTER 1: It only looks stupid on her. It would look totally awesome on me.




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STEPSISTER 2: Yeah. She is so stupid. That dress is way too long.

STEPSISTER 1: Yeah, I'll wear it way shorter. Cinderella can hem it for me.

STEPSISTER 2: No way. I want Cinderella to bedazzle my shoes with rhinestones.

STEPMOTHER: Girls, Cinderella can work on both of your outfits. She'll just have to work on them all day. And possibly stay up the night before.

CINDERELLA: But Stepmother, I've been invited to the ball, too. I was hoping to get my own dress ready.

(There's a brief pause as they stare at her. Then all three burst into obnoxious laughter.)

STEPSISTER 1: That is so stupid!

STEPSISTER 2: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

STEPMOTHER: Don't be ridiculous, Cinderella. Of course you're not going to the ball. Only super popular people get invited to the Prince's parties.

STEPSISTER 1: Yeah, only people like us with jillions and jillions of followers.

STEPSISTER 2: The Prince wouldn't want to meet anyone who doesn't even have a profile.

STEPSISTER 1: Can you believe she doesn't even have one follower?


STEPMOTHER: Get back to work!

(Cinderella returns to her cleaning while the others return to their phones.)

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Oh, girls, I found this new app called Mirror Mirror. One of the other stepmothers told me about it.

STEPSISTER 1: How does it work?

STEPMOTHER: You say, "Mirror, Mirror, on my screen, who's the fairest you have seen?" and then it tells you who's the most popular person right now.

STEPSISTER 2: Ask it, Mom! I bet it will say me.

STEPSISTER 1: No way! It'll say me.


STEPMOTHER: (Talking to her phone:) Mirror, Mirror, on my screen, who's the fairest you have seen?

VOICE OF PHONE: (Sounds like a computerized voice:) The fairest I have seen is Cinderella.

STEPSISTER 1: What?!? There must be something wrong with it.

STEPSISTER 2: That is so stupid! Do it again, Mom.

STEPMOTHER: (Talking to her phone, more deliberately, as if it misheard her the first time:) Mirror, Mirror, on my screen, who's the fairest you have seen?

VOICE OF PHONE: Like I said, it is Cinderella. It does not matter how many times you ask me, I will say the same thing.

(A big smile slowly spreads across Cinderella's face.)

ALL THREE STEPS: That is so stupid!

(All four exit behind the silhouette stage, the Steps in a huff, Cinderella happily swinging her bucket. Pazzo enters.)

THE INTERN: I have to ask: How is this a show? All they do is sit around and talk about clothes and social media. Does anything ever actually happen?




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SCHEHERAZADE: (Sighs wearily:) No. I don't understand it either. But the viewers seem to like it. It's one of our most popular shows. (To Pazzo:) What do you have for me, Pazzo?

PAZZO: The Sultan called. He wants you to produce a show called The Sultan's Apprentice in which people do a really bad job of being Sultan so everyone can appreciate how great he is at it.

SCHEHERAZADE: (Sarcastically:) Fantastic. What else?

PAZZO: He said if you don't have a new show ready, then tonight's show will be your live execution.

SCHEHERAZADE: (To herself:) That is certainly not the "very special episode" I have planned for tonight.

PAZZO: No, that doesn't seem like something you'd plan. What are you going to do for tonight's "very special episode"?

SCHEHERAZADE: (Realizing her mistake:) Nothing, Pazzo, nothing.

PAZZO: Well, then what makes the episode "very special"?

SCHEHERAZADE: (Thinking fast:) Just, um...balloons! We're going to fill the studio with balloons!

PAZZO: I love balloons! Hey, wait a minute, the last time there was a "very special episode," the Sultan was a contestant on the show. Is he going to be a contestant tonight?

SCHEHERAZADE: He, um, might be. That's why we're going to have all the, um, balloons.

PAZZO: So we should make sure the Sultan wins, right? The Sultan really, really likes to win.

SCHEHERAZADE: I know he does. Listen, Pazzo, there's something very important I need your help with. In fact,

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tonight's show will be a complete disaster if you can't take care of this. Everything is riding on you...

(Scheherazade and Pazzo speak in undertones as they walk off, with the Intern following to exit. Blackout.)

SCENE 7

(Scheherazade and the Intern enter and take their places. Pasternak enters right behind them, carrying a metal coffee pot and an empty bag of sugar, and hands them to Scheherazade.)

PASTERNAK: I just went ahead and dumped the whole bag of sugar in there.

SCHEHERAZADE: Thanks, Pasternak.

(Scheherazade takes a swig from the pot. Throughout scene, continues to take swigs.)

PASTERNAK: Also, the Sultan called. He's on his way to the studio.

(Scheherazade claps her hands impatiently.)

SCHEHERAZADE: Let's go! We don't have much time left.

(The Clapper begins to enter, walking at a normal pace. Scheherazade gestures impatiently.)

I said let's go! Hurry, hurry, hurry!

(The Clapper picks up the pace. HOST 4, DARIA, NADIA, LIDIA and GLORIA enter at a jog from behind the silhouette stage. All five scurry to take their places while Scheherazade continues to gesture impatiently.)

THE CLAPPER: (Holds up the clapperboard that reads Quite the Catch, claps it, then speaks in a rush:) Quite the Catch, scene 665, take eleven. Quiet on the set!

(The Clapper exits, speed-walking. As soon as the Clapper's line ends, Host 4, who has been huffing and puffing from the speedy




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entry, switches to a huge smile and a chipper, showbiz-style voice.)

HOST 4: Welcome back! These four lucky ladies are vying for the affections of a young man who I think we can all agree is...Quite the Catch. Let's meet these contestants and find out what they love most about The Catch.

DARIA: Hi, I'm Daria. I'm a poor woodcutter's daughter and I'm also a yoga instructor. I think what I love most about Brian...

(Sighs dreamily.)

Oh, it's just so hard to pick one thing! But I'd have to say my favorite thing about him is his smile. He just lights up any room with that smile!

HOST 4: He sure does. In fact, here he is now, lighting up this room.

(THE CATCH enters, eating from a bag of junk food, getting crumbs everywhere. He drops into a chair, slouching and looking extremely bored. He belches loudly and tosses the junk food bag on the floor, then starts playing a game on his phone, grunting and muttering, "Die! Die!" During this, the contestants are waving flirtatiously, batting their eyelashes and trying to catch his attention. He ignores them.)

THE INTERN: (Confused:) This is the guy these girls are hoping to marry?

PASTERNAK: Yep.

THE INTERN: But he's a total slob. What do they see in him?

PASTERNAK: Oh, that's right. You don't know his moving story. Brian was turned into a Beast by an Evil Witch.

THE INTERN: I see. So the Evil Witch made him a slob with disgusting habits and an obnoxious personality?

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PASTERNAK: No, he was already like that. The Evil Witch gave him horns and fangs.

THE INTERN: I still don't get why—

PASTERNAK: Shh.

HOST 4: Tell us about yourself and why you hope Brian will propose to you.

NADIA: I'm Nadia. I'm a poor woodcutter's daughter and I'm also a Zamboni driver. You know, when I think about Brian—which I do all the time—the first thing that comes to my mind is how his eyes sparkle. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul and I just love gazing into Brian's.

(The Catch belches again.)

HOST 4: And what about you?

LIDIA: Well, my name is Lidia and I'm a poor woodcutter's daughter and I'm also an aspiring dolphin trainer. You know, the other girls may be focused on how Brian looks on the outside, but what I really love about him is what's on the inside. He has a real inner beauty.

(The Catch digs around in an ear with a finger, then inspects what he finds as if it's fascinating.)

HOST 4: Let's hear from our final contestant.

GLORIA: I'm Gloria and I'm a poor woodcutter's daughter.

(Pause.)

HOST 4: Anything else?

GLORIA: No, just a poor woodcutter's daughter.

HOST 4: And what do you love most about Brian?

GLORIA: His mansion.

HOST 4: Excuse me?




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GLORIA: His house. That's what I love about Brian. Have you seen his house? It's enormous. And it's full of really nice stuff. Especially the candlesticks. I'm pretty sure they're solid gold.

HOST 4: (Moves along quickly:) And now it's time for the rose ceremony, the moment you've all been waiting for, when we find out who is still in the running for a diamond ring from the guy you all know is...Quite the Catch.

(Host 4 has been moving towards The Catch and finishes standing right by him, waiting expectantly. The Catch continues to play a game on his phone. Host 4 nudges him and he looks up, annoyed.)

THE CATCH: What? You got me killed.

HOST 4: It's the moment we've all been waiting for!

THE CATCH: Lunch?

HOST 4: The rose ceremony.

THE CATCH: The what?

HOST 4: The moment when you choose which of these lovely ladies stays on the show by giving them a rose in a beautiful, romantic gesture.

THE CATCH: Oh, all right.

(He sighs heavily and, without standing up, tosses a rose to Daria, Nadia and Lidia, who react as if it's the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to them.)

There you go. Now I have to start my game over.

(Host 4 walks over to Gloria.)

HOST 4: Gloria, I'm so sorry, but we have to say goodbye to you. Do you have anything you'd like to tell Brian?

GLORIA: Yeah, I just wanted to say that I don't really care that he didn't give me a rose, because I already picked one for myself from his garden.

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(Gloria produces a rose from behind her back. The Catch leaps to his feet, enraged.)

THE CATCH: What?!? You picked a rose from my garden?!? Noooooo!!!

HOST 4: Well, that was an unexpected twist! Find out what happens to Gloria on the next episode of...Quite the Catch.

(As the chase takes The Catch, Host 4 and the four contestants to the exit behind the silhouette stage, Patel enters, heading for Scheherazade, carrying the clipboard, the phone, the three-ring binder, the apple, the extra-long cable and various other incongruous objects. At the same time, the Clapper enters and rushes toward Patel, carrying a huge, messy pile of paper.)

THE CLAPPER: Patel! I wrote down all my ideas for you!

PATEL: This is the worst possible time. (To Scheherazade:) The Sultan has arrived. I repeat: The Sultan is in the building!

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A THOUSAND AND ONE NIGHTS OF REALITY TELEVISION

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Transcript of A THOUSAND AND ONE NIGHTS OF REALITY TELEVISION