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A PURPOSE DRIVEN RELATIONSHIP: 7 ½ Steps From Crisis to Communion

HOOK

WELCOME

Thank

Warm room

Acknowledge

TurningPoint Story

HMOY would like experience real, authentic, loving, connection with your partner? If you knew it was possible to have that kind of connection, would you be willing to go through some short term discomfort to get there? -My name is Catherine O’Kane, Duane O’Kane -WELCOME to A Purpose Driven Relationship! -Thank you so much for coming. -There is a saying that goes like this, “80% of success is just showing up.” -Because I can’t reach all of you-please put your arms around the person next to you, pat them on the back and say, “Congratulations for showing up!” -I acknowledge you for everything you did to get yourselves here tonight. -You’ve made a very wise decision, one of the best decisions you could make for the success of all your relationships! Since we are going to be spending a little time together this evening talking about relationship,

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Both do this

Duane

WIIFY

would it be okay if we shared a little about our own relationship off the top? (thank you) Describe relationship now, it wasn’t always like that- describe how we each felt early on Turning point-. It you say that again, I will believe you-. Crossroads-. Could have done so many things at that point that would have sustained distance, instead stepped closer A truly intimate moment- taught ourselves in that moment to step forward rather than away, towards each other and have continued that-. Life becomes an adventure That is enough about us – let’s talk about you-” By the end of our time together, you will know:

• What a Purpose Driven Relationship is – and why the heck you’d even want one!

• The #1 thing that RUINS most relationships, and leaves you totally baffled as to what happened!

[one thing = your past]

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CATHERINE

TOPIC

Key in on Romance

Knows Your

Dillemma

• A clear, concise, tried and true road map to go from any CRISIS in any relationship, to deep understanding, true happiness and deep COMMUNION.

• There are actually 7 ½ steps on this road map & by the end of the night, you’ll know exactly WHAT these steps are & WHY you MUST LEARN them if you plan to reach the full potential of any relationship you enter!

As you know, tonight’s topic is, “A Purpose Driven Relationship”. Although the information we’ll share tonight is applicable to any relationship, for tonight, we’ll be keying in on ‘Romantic Relationships’ HMOY are in relationship now? (thank u) HMOY are single? (thank u) The main PURPOSE of ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP is to experience of deep communion with another human being. In means to be in relationship with someone who knows you in every aspect of your life. To have one person who knows your dilemma, & your journey intimately

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DUANE

Someone who understands it, and has immense compassion for you in it. It means to have someone who is a soft place for you – no matter what you are experiencing. Communion is when two people can love one another totally, all parts of each other – including the places where we struggle to love ourselves. The places where we may feel embarrassed or ashamed or less than. The PURPOSE of relationship is to be truly known and truly loved. This doesn’t mean I’m holding her hand, and guiding, protecting her, rescuing her, fixing things, leading, filling her up, being involved in every aspect of her life, manipulating, controlling. It doesn’t mean she’s re-arranging my life, planning for me, trying to fix me, to teach me. It doesn’t mean she’s over-serving, over-nurturing, caretaking, or smothering. It does mean we respect one another’s sovereignty. It means I respect her uniqueness, and I am infinitely curious about her!

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CATHERINE lead

A Purpose driven relationship means you are moving not out of obligation or what you think is your role – but out of true connection. This is COMMUNION. COMMUNION is a state that is characterized by openness, expansiveness, freedom, peace, love, happiness, joy, fullness, and utter contentment. It is what we are all going for when we enter relationship. -People know instinctively that this experience of COMMUNION is available to them. -That is why we enter relationship to begin with. -Most of us get a glimpse of it when we first fall in love. -When we first fall in love – we taste the sweet state of communion. -Sometimes it lasts for 2weeks, 3 weeks, 4 weeks or longer if you’re lucky. -And then like sand through your fingers – the experience starts to slip. -And you end up in some kind of CRISIS. -Now, let’s define Crisis so we can be very clear.

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-Crisis has a lot of different faces / manifestations -It doesn’t always look like massive fights, affairs, violence and so on. -It can be more subtle

• Crisis can be 2 people being incredibly polite yet feeling alone in the same bed

• Crisis can mean co-existing, bored.

• Crisis can mean contemplating breaking up – or even following through. Or breaking up and get back together over and over again.

• It can mean questioning if you’ve fallen out of love

• It can mean the slippery slope of starting to talk behind your partner’s back

-These are all examples of Crisis-. Opposite of intimacy -Whatever crisis looks like for you, whether it seems very small, or insurmountable- - tonight we’ll show you how to go from any kind of CRISIS to deep and lasting COMMUNION. -There are 7 ½ Steps you must take.

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STEP 1

HMOY would like to know these 7 ½ steps from CRISIS to COMMUNION? (thank u) Please write CRISIS in the first blank on your handout. Please write COMMUNION in the last blank on your handout. In the next hour or so, we are going to go on a journey from Crisis to communion. But there are a few steps in between.. CRISIS We’ve talked a little about what a CRISIS can look like in your relationship. From fighting, to boredom, to infidelity. Whatever it looks like, the first thing to understand is that Crisis is natural. In fact, Crisis is necessary. It is a developmental process of every relationship. Without it – there would be no purpose. POWERPOINT: Introduce Amoeba Theory Points:

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• How we develop as an individual

• Talk about Bites and trauma, and creation of suspicion of self, we pack the bite with mud, false self, over-compensation, trying to hide this place of deep hurt.

• What we’re attracted to in another due to bites/trauma and how this initially creates a lovely experience2then..

• As we take steps to get closer - we enter the zone where we are now afraid our partner will see our bites.

Note: We are not necessarily aware of this fear – we are just aware that we are experiencing pain, and we then start to blame our partner for it.

• What originally attracted me to him/her – is now what we are complaining about

DISTANCE DANCE DEMO (To physically illustrate how the very thing we are attracted to becomes the problem) -EXPLAIN: -This dance is a result of the old traumas, the place where our mental & emotional growth and development was stunted/stopped/arrested)

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Duane lead

STEP 2

-We no longer perceive accurately -We filter everything in our lives based on our past pain. -And PAST PAIN is most often the #1 thing that RUINS most relationships. -The FIRST STEP is to accept CRISIS as a natural, necessary part of relationship. -It’s what happens when two people, seeing through their past filters, collide! -When it arises, try your best not think there is anything wrong! -Instead, think about the next STEP in the journey Let’s take a look at STEP 2: COMMITMENT Please take a moment to write that on your worksheet. What is it? There are 2 parts to COMMITMENT. (powerpoint) Part 1 is to IDENTIFY. Please write that down. IDENTIFY means to recognize all the acting out

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and acting in behaviors you engage in when faced with a CRISIS in relationship. Let’s look at what I mean with ‘acting out and acting in’ behaviours. ACTING OUT is amplifying or projecting our fear and anxiety outward. We start to ‘Fling’ our mud around! Often at our partners! This can look like: Fighting: Blame, Rage, anger, affairs, gossiping, ACTING IN is trying to kill or stuff the anxiety It can look like: Over Eating, Numbing out, excessive television, being a Workaholic, packing the mud in! POWERPOINT CHART:

ACTING OUT ACTING IN

Fighting, anger/rage Blame Affairs Gossip:

Over Eating Numbing out, Excessive TV Being a Workaholic

Part 2: Is to STOP. (powerpoint)

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-this means you must make a commitment to stop the acting in or acting out behaviors WHY? If you maintain the behavior, you will go back into Crisis. Again, and again, and again. If you STOP the behaviors, you take one step closer to the deep communion you are really longing for. -You either STOP or you loop back. -In our experience, after having worked with thousands of people, over the past 35 years, we have found that over 95% of people keep doing the behaviors, and they loop in and out of the same crises for the rest of their lives. [pause] -This leads to miserable marriages, mediocre romantic partnerships, and more often than not, unnecessary BREAK UPS! -Consciously or unconsciously most people COMMIT to go back into CRISIS. [pause] ******************************************************** Writing Exercise ********************************************************

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Let’s make this a little more concrete. Right now, I’d like you to take out a pen and paper. I’m going to give you 90 seconds to identify at least ONE BEHAVIOR you know you do in your relationships when you face crisis. It could be BLAMING. It could be SHUTTING DOWN. It could be OVER EATING, YELLING, TALKING BEHIND YOUR PARTNERS BACK. You may have several that come to mind. Choose one. Pick the first one that comes to mind. If you are not in relationship currently, see if you can identify at least one behavior you have done in a previous relationship when faced with crisis. You have 90 seconds to write down one behavior BEGIN. Good Job. Well done. -Now that you’ve identified one behavior-here is my Invitation to you. -For the next 7 days, the next time you want to engage in this behavior, the one you wrote down –

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STOP! -Don’t do it. -Realize you are at a choice point where you need to make a commitment. -You will either commit to maintaining the behavior you identified – in which case you will loop back to Crisis OR -You will make a new choice! -You’ll commit to stopping the behavior! -You’ll just stop. You won’t do it. -This commitment to stopping, will keep you from recycling back into crisis. -It will in fact move you on to the next step. -One step closer to true communion with your partner! -Even if you don’t know what will happen when you stop doing the behavior. -Stop anyway. -I promise you – whatever happens when you commit to stopping the behavior, will be much,

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CATHERINE

lead

STEP 3

much better than a lifetime of recycling through the same crises, and the same pain again and again. -And-you will have reached STEP 3 on the journey. Step 3: CONTAINMENT WHAT is it? Containment also has 2 PARTS to it, and they over-lap with COMMITMENT. Part 1 is Not doing the behavior, Instead you sit with your anxiety. -You just feel it. -This is one of most difficult and courageous acts you can ever take. -We are very unused to it in our current society. -Whenever we have the niggling of an anxious feeling - we ACT! -We reach for a hit, a fix, a pill, something, some behavior that is going to take the anxious feeling away. Example: If you have a headache, you take a pill. The headache is a symptom though – it’s a sign

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that there is something you need to attend to. -Your uncomfortable feeling is a SYMPTOM that there is something underlying that needs to be attended to. -Most people want to desperately avoid the painful feelings, the feelings that lie under the defense – in the divots. -We avoid feeling or expressing the pain in those divots -Consciously or unconsciously we get an inkling, a remembrance of the original pain, and we automatically think or feel that the trauma is happening all over again! -This process of trying to avoid the pain is not necessarily conscious – it can be like a reflex! -Containment is the practice of sitting in the feeling and allowing yourself to actually have it. -You allow yourself to feel it as opposed to being directed by it. -Although it may not feel like it at the time, the benefit is that it leads us even closer to communion and peace. -It leads us forward in our lives! -Containment is the process of doing something

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good for you and your relationship. PART 2: SOURCE. SOURCE means researching the origin of the anxious feeling. -Sourcing it means doing your best understand the birthplace of the feeling. -Perhaps it was an incident as a small child? -One way SOURCE is to say to yourself, “This reminds me of just like when-” -You might try journaling what comes up. -Don’t edit – just write about the feeling. WHY is containment so important? Containment is the only way to make contact the part of ourselves we need to work with. It is the only way we can find the source of the real problem. Use Amoeba Diagram as Visual Aid -We bring our awareness to the divot, to the part of us that is frozen, the part that stopped growing due to that trauma and we do our best to locate when / how it was created.

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lead up

Hook

Challenge

DUANE lead

STEP 4

The step is confession. Go ahead and write it on your sheet. WHAT IS CONFESSION? -Confession is what happens after you’ve made the courageous and necessary step to sit in your anxiety and contain instead of acting it out -Confession means telling the truth about how you really feel about yourself. -It means telling another TRUSTED, SKILLED individual with whom you feel absolutely safe, what is really going on for you underneath your defenses -This step is about CONFESSING your ‘suspicion of self’ to another. You communicate about your divot or trauma REVISIT DISTANCE DANCE DEMO: Confession This is what ours look like. It’s likely that you have no idea what your suspicions of self, your Confessions will sound like.

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Lead up/hook

challenge

Step 5

CATHERINE

lead

We often don’t know what our suspicions of self are because we haven’t gone through the steps that lead us to the awareness to what they are. We are usually too busy acting them out to be aware of them. But are some example we’ve heard over the years:

• I fear I’m too hard to be around, I’m too much, I’m too difficult, and you may leave me.

• I fear you will leave me because I’m not good enough. You’ll meet someone who is better.

• I’m guilty. I’ve done something wrong.

• I’m going to get hurt. WHY is CONFESSION so important? It leads into the next step. This next step is the MOST IMPORTANT. Without it, you will not be able to continue the rest journey. The next step is CONNECTION.(write down) Again, because the original trauma occurred in relationship, it needs to be corrected in relationship With this step and the ones that follow – in order to really make them work, you must be in genuine

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contact with another person. Remember, the original divoting, the original trauma occurred in relationship and it can only be corrected in relationship! CONNECTION means surrounding yourself with a circle of people who are familiar with this kind of territory, this kind of personal growth work and who know what to do and how to support you. At this point in the journey, something NEW has to enter from outside It has to be something new. Because if we are left to our own devices, all we can do is recycle what we already know with predictable results. Something new has to enter. By new – I mean new information or a new experience, often from a new person. We must make Legitimate CONNECTION, legitimate CONTACT with another human being, without our defenses up. This can only happen in connection with people with whom you trust, feel safe with, and know have the tools to support with expertise. If you have a community or a counselor who is

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DUANE

Step 6

familiar with the journey from Crisis to Communion – wonderful! -Reach out to them. If you really want to take the rest of this journey and you don’t have people to CONNECT to who can support you in this way, not to worry! At the end of the evening we’ll introduce you to a way you can get involved with us and our amazing community of people. Please write this down. “Without connection there is no correction.” EXERCISE: Please look at your neighbor – do a hand clasp, “I’ve got to get CONNECTED” -If you had difficulty doing that hand clasp – getting connected for a second, imagine how- From connection – comes correction. And CORRECTION is the next step. CORRECTION Correction is about allowing another person in.

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It is about surrendering your defenses just long enough to allow someone else to help you uncover the real Truth about who you are - as opposed to the lies you’ve made up about yourself and your nature. We all have events that occurred in our past that were painful. We also all either consciously or unconsciously decide what these painful events meant about us. More often than not, we make up unsupportive, self damaging, self-deprecating meanings based on what we perceived our role was in relation to the painful event We make ourselves the cause of the event! And then we live by it. This becomes the Law of our lives. And this is where the real damage, the real tragedy occurs. From this false self-image we move forward in life and in our relationships. We accept this fabricated, 'less than' idea about ourselves as the Truth.

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Of course – we don’t want anyone to see the lowly way we really think and feel about ourselves so we wisely establish a hearty defense system accordingly! And from that point forward it is our defense systems that interact with the world around us and the people in it. Our authentic self gets buried deeper and deeper, day by day - until it is near impossible to access... and down down down we go. And you want to have a relationship? Correction is the only way out of this downward spiral. Correction is where we finally get to face these false meanings, these false senses of self - and we get to do it with help! In a supportive environment where we are loved, and supported, and our truest beauty and strength and courage can be reflected back to us. Correction is where we recover our Essential self, our highest self. You get to remember that you are innately good, innocent, and deserving of love, affection, joy and abundance!

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Correction is where you start to understand that everything that happened to you and is happening to you is either an extension of love or a call for it. You begin to make sense of your life's path - and you begin to plan an authentic, peaceful future. Living with secret suspicions of yourself is painful both in and out of intimate relationships. And unless you are aided in shedding these false meanings about who you are and what you deserve in life – true communion, true joy in intimate relationships will remain elusive. It is simple impossible to attain. Having another person help us to correct our Suspicions of Self allows us to enter into the world undefended – often for the first time. And with this courageous re-entering, you are able to establish legitimate contact, authentic contact, real intimacy with others. Imagine getting to experience the intimacy your deepest heart and spirit has always longed for! It will actually begin to occur! Finally, you will be able to offer the love you so want to offer – and you'll also be able to receive the Love you want so dearly!

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That is, you’ll be able to actually allow the love to enter when it is offered! A Corrected self is the only self that is capable of real human contact. A wounded, armored self will never find the way to this kind deep communion. It must be corrected, healed - body, mind and spirit. I invite you to allow yourself the gift of finally asking for help instead of trying desperately to cling to more control- I promise you will see a whole new level of possibility of what life and relationship can be for you. Negative thoughts and convictions about yourself and about those around you eventually lead to illness, emotional or physical. Correction will relax your psyche long enough to allow you to see the real truth everywhere- Correction, more than any other step will give you the physical and emotional freedom you deeply wish for. And here is the truth.

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CATHERINE lead

Step 7

Love is possible anytime and anyplace and with anyone. Love is here – no matter what the circumstance. Correction is the gateway to allowing you to experience what that statement really means, at a physical, visceral, practical level. And then, comes CELEBRATION! Celebration is our natural state when all our defenses, strategies, and controls are taken off. It is when we no longer engage in acting in or acting out as a way to protect. Our natural state is to be happy. Our natural state is to celebrate our innocent existence and celebrate the real truth about the relationship we are in! Celebration is the natural experience that follows when we have corrected who we fear we are and REALIZED who we truly are! The amazing thing is that when you commit to taking the journey we've been sharing with you tonight, this state, the state of celebration is a step that requires no work!

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It’s a reward of taking the previous steps. It naturally follows the previous steps. You get effortlessly to see who your partner truly is because you are looking through the eyes of who you truly are! And you get to dance and celebrate this knowledge together! There is no feeling like this joy. Celebration makes our lives make sense. It makes our relationship shine. It allows us to play and be creative. It opens the door to being met and loved. Reaching the state of Celebration and Communion is really why you came here tonight. [pause] This is what you are really after. We’ve been traveling this road, engaging in this journey for a very long time. We know that people cannot make the full journey from CRISIS to Celebration and Communion on their own.

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Rationale

You must do it with others. Most people don’t have others around them who are familiar with this journey. They don’t have people around them that are specifically skilled in navigating the sensitive emotional territory of relationship Crisis. We know the journey of Crisis to Communion Intimately. We know what it was like for us – and we’ve helped thousands of other people over the last decade take these steps successfully. [Duane comes in to help] This journey is powerful, life altering – and it will lead you to more a complete experience of the wonder and beauty of your own life and relationships. But we also know it must be done in an appropriate place and time, with the right people, in the right context and definitely with the right guidance.

That is why Duane and I have created a workshop that

is solely to helping you walk through these steps in

relationship, to move from crisis to having the skill to

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Permission

Benefits

Logistics

invite communion

Would it be okay if spent a couple minutes sharing a

little about the program? (thank u)

The program is called the Relationship Alive!

HMOY have heard of it?

HMOY have attended it? Let me hear a sound!

RA is an advanced workshop, you have to have done an

Awakening, our introductory workshop, to attend.

HMOY have done the Awakening?

Well, all of you know how powerful and life changing

that workshop is.

One of the most valuable experiences offered at the

awakening is experience of belonging, that we are the

same at a fundamental level

That is what we mean by Communion….

Imagine what it is like to experience that state in your

intimate relationship

When: The next RA is December 11-13

The program is 3 days, approximately 32 hours in total.

It takes place at Springbrooke – our lovely retreat

centre outside of Langley.

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Comparitor

Now – it is important to note that take some of this

inner journey with professional 1:1 support to help you

uncover your SOS’s, and release them.

Duane and I do offer personal clinical counseling if that

is something you prefer.

32 hours of counseling with us is approximately $4000

dollars.

(4k on power point)

I won’t make a formal offer for this tonight, but if that

is something you are interested in, please come and

chat with me afterwards.

Having said that, please keep this in mind.

You will benefit far more doing this in the context of a

workshop.

We don’t heal just from revealing and correcting our

Suspicions of self, we heal from doing so in the loving

presence of others.

This process has more power with witnesses, and you

learn so much from others as well as they walk their

way through relationship dilemmas.

By the end of the weekend, you’ll have a deep

experience of moving all the way through your

entrenched relationship patterns to a state of

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Sell Bonus

communion and love, and will have skills to help

maintain this new level of intimacy when you get

home.

The tuition for RA is $997 plus GST

(Power point, leave it up and let investment burn)

As I mentioned, the workshop takes place at our

personal retreat centre outside Langley, BC.

This property is a magical, natural, sacred place, even

in the pouring rain!

When you make the decision to join us – we meet you

with an equal amount of dedication and support, both

emotionally with our wonderful trained support team,

and concretely, by taking providing great food, a sauna

and hot tub etc.

But – of course we’re slightly biased about both the

retreat centre and the program so don’t take my word

for it.

Please listen to what our clients are saying…

[Read testimonials]here is one from our last Awakening

workshop

We are going to give away a free tuition right now….

For either RA or Awakening

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Final

Investment Price

Give Deal

One of you will be able to attend the entire weekend

complimentary, including your meals, and your

accommodations at our beautiful retreat centre.

[DO DRAW]

[To winner]: Please raise your hand – and go directly to

register at the back table to collect your gift.

Our staff will get you registered.

Don’t worry if your name wasn’t drawn – because we

are about to do something special for you as well.

When you sign up tonight – we will take care of…

1. We’ll take care of your entire food costs

2. We’ll take care of your entire accommodation

costs for the duration of the program.

3. And when you sign up for the Awakening tonight,

3 days that will totally transform your life and

your relationships, we’ll offer you an additional

$200 off!

To be clear, when you sign up, the tuition for the

Awakening will be 797.

(powerpoint)

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Risk

Reversal

If you call next week, it will be full tuition.

If you sign up tonight, it is only $797.

Because we really believe in our program, we make

registering for the our workshops totally risk free for

you.

If you attend the program…

You participate fully…

And you don’t get value for whatever reason…

Simply come to us, let us know and we’ll refund your

entire tuition.

For up to a full year after the program.

So if you know this if for you, and you’re ready to open

to a richer experience of your life and relationships -

please feel free to go to the back table and register

now! We’ll see you there Thank you.