A MEDIATOR'S DIY GUIDE TO CONLICT RESOLUTION fileexact techniques. Dolak / DIY Guide To...

A DIY GUIDE TO COMMUNICATION AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION

© 2017 Sharon Dolak - All Rights Reserved.No part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed

in any form without express permission of its owner.People Skills by Robert Bolton- www.ridge.com

Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode [email protected]

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

Chapter 1. WHAT IS CONFLICT

Chapter 2. THE STAGES OF CONFLICT

Chapter 3. COMMUNICATION STYLES

Chapter 4. THE GROUND RULES

Chapter 5. ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION

Chapter 6. PREVENTING CONFLICT

Chapter 7. IDENTIFYING INTERESTS

Chapter 8. RESPONSES TO CONFLICT

Chapter 9. COLLABORATING

Chapter 10. FOCUS ON INTERESTS, NOT POSITIONS

Chapter 11. DEVELOPING OPTIONS FOR MUTUAL GAIN

Chapter 12. THE PROBLEM SOLVING PROCESS

Chapter 13. BEST-CASE AND WORST-CASE SCENARIOS

CONCLUSION

BIOGRAPHY


INTRODUCTION Welcome! I’m Sharon Dolak, and I’m a certified, professional mediator. I specialize in family and workplace dispute resolution. The purpose of this book is help you resolve the conflict you are having in your relationship by giving you some ideas on how to communicate and work through the conflict together. If you use these tools you will understand the other person’s needs and be able to communicate your own, so both of you can get down to the heart of the matter at hand so you can collaboratively explore options for resolution.

As you might imagine, I’ve been in the middle of some pretty serious interpersonal problems. I’ve worked with many people who had hit a dead end with the conflict in their relationship. And I’ve helped many overcome their conflict and move forward with peace in their relationship using these exact techniques.


I want you to have these tools so you can resolve your conflict on your own, and put them to work, untangling your thorny conflict, looking at it from every angle, and finding a pathway to resolution. That’s what I do for every client I am privileged to work with, and that’s what I want to do for you here today with this e-book.

You will read about how conflicts work, and how people in conflict communicate. You will also read about some conflict communication styles that don’t work so well, and I’ll give you some ground rules that you can apply right away to help you communicate better. You will also read about some ways you can prevent conflict from rearing its ugly head in the first place. And, I’ll give you some communication and problem-solving tools that you can use to work together to solve this wicked problem, once and for all.

I’m so glad you are here. You’ve taken a big step toward making your life and your relationship better. That alone is a huge, positive step. It shows you are committed to your relationship, and that you’re committed to trying to work things out, together. So let’s get started, shall we?


WHAT IS CONFLICT?

If you are reading this, you already have a pretty good idea of what a conflict is. You’re living it every day. You know how much strain it puts on your relationship. And you’ve probably also realized that sometimes, the stress of your conflict with one person can easily spill over into other important relationship in your life, and damage them, too.

Conflicts can simmer quietly in the background, or they can explode into heated arguments. Either way, when two people with opposing opinions or principles have an active disagreement, that’s what we call “conflict.”

Sometimes it starts when two people have opposing needs, such as when one person feels they need more companionship from their spouse, while the other person feels that they need more time alone or with friends.

Sometimes, conflict pops up because two people have completely different ideas about things. For example, when a child is getting in trouble at school, one parent might want to take away his privileges, while the other says he just needs a good spanking. People’s ideas are formed from experiences in their own lives, so they can have pretty deep roots and be surrounded with powerful emotions.

Sometimes, it’s about beliefs – and this could be anything from religious beliefs to political beliefs to which is the best football team in the NFL. … Ok, most households can survive football rivalries without a knock-down, drag-out fight, but you get my meaning, right? Beliefs are deeply held, and


very personal, so you can see how differing beliefs can result in conflict.

And, conflicts can arise from differences in values, too. One partner’s lifelong dream may be the suburban house, white picket fence, and 2.5 kids; while the other feels hard-wired for an ambitious career and a child-free life in the city. Or, one partner might want to live a minimalist lifestyle with few possessions, while the other loves to collect knick-knacks, or shoes, or a barn full of classic cars.

Another big cause of conflict is differing goals. When one person in a marriage is focused on saving for retirement, and the other is focused on the millions of neat things that can be ordered from Amazon, things can get dicey at home.

No matter what the source of the conflict, the result is often the same. Each party wants to “win.” That’s just human nature. People tend to think that in order to reach a solution, one person must win, and the other person has to lose.

Of course, nobody wants to be the loser, so when your position is challenged, you have this natural survival instinct that kicks in. Because you are right, the other person has to be wrong, and you need to prove it to them.

But think about this … isn’t solving the problem really more important than winning? Isn’t your relationship more important? Isn’t it important to understand the other person? That’s why you’re here – to learn how to


resolve this wicked problem that is interfering with the happiness of your relationship.

We’ll talk a lot more about how to do that later, after we discuss the stages of conflict, but keep this idea in your mind: It’s not about who’s winning. It’s about reaching resolution.

THE STAGES OF CONFLICT

One of the big benefits of really focusing on conflict resolution is that when you do, you can move past it much faster.

Let’s face it, conflict isn’t fun. And the longer it simmers, the more it damages relationships. So it’s best to resolve it and move on.

To that end, it’s good to understand how conflict resolution really works. There are five stages in conflict resolution. It’s helpful to know where you are in the process, so you can see that there is a light at the end of what seem like a long, dark tunnel.

• Starting point. Every conflict has a starting point. Something sets it off. Perhaps it builds slowly over a long time, or perhaps there is a single defining incident that sparks the whole thing. Regardless, what happens next is always the same.


• Emotional phase. Right away, we get emotional. This conflict is something we care about, a lot. We’re going to express these emotions, whether we’re feeling afraid, angry, sad, hopeless, or hell-bent on revenge. Maybe we feel all of these things at once. Of course, the other person in the conflict is emotional too, so this can be a pretty tense time for both involved. Some couples get stuck in this phase for a long time, and it begins to chip away at their relationship.

• Conclusion phase. We’ve had some time to stew in our misery for a while, and we’ve started to reflect on how the whole thing started. What started it, anyway? Why did it begin? We might even start to think about ways to end it.

• Solutions phase. The conflict is really wearing on us. We’re ready to start thinking about what we can do to bring this thing to a close. What do we really want? What does the other party really want? What can we do to resolve this issue? We start to think about possible ways to end the dispute.

• Resolutions phase. It’s time to act. We decide to sit down together to work this thing out. We lay the options on the table, and choose the ones that make sense to end this conflict. We agree to them. Maybe we write them down and sign it. We take a deep breath and feel better. Finally, a measure of peace.

Where many couples need help is in learning how to move past that really


tough emotional phase, and on to those last three, productive phases where they begin to evaluate the causes of the conflict, what each person really wants, and how to come to a resolution that gives both people what they need.

There are many reasons why couples get stuck in the emotional stage. One of them is the way they communicate with each other.

COMMUNICATION STYLES

Are there ever times in your relationship when you and your partner are having a conversation and you realize after a while that you might as well be speaking different languages?

Even when you’ve been with someone for a long time, there are times when you can explain and explain what you mean, but the other person just doesn’t seem to get what you are saying.

And I’d bet there are also times when the other person keeps trying to explain something to you, and you think you understand, but he or she keeps insisting that you’re just not getting it. It’s extra fun and special when they give you their patented eye roll or raised eyebrow maneuver to emphasize just how much you’re not getting it.


Relationships would sure be a lot less frustrating if only we could understand each other 100 percent of the time, right? But the fact is, everyone communicates differently.

Very likely, the things that attracted you to your partner in the first place were the unique personality quirks that made him or her, him or her. We are all the way we are because of our rich and varied life experiences. And those same life experiences shape the way we communicate.

Look at it this way. If you were raised in a family that showed the world a harmonious front, but all was chaos at home, might that shape the way you behave in your family relationships as an adult? If your relationship role models at home believed in resolving issues through family meetings, could you have gained some conflict-resolution skills that someone raised in a different type of environment might never have had the chance to experience?

So you see, our past experiences have a lot of influence on how we interact with others, how we perceive information from others, and how we feel about these interactions. And all of that affects the message that we actually walk away with at the end of a conversation.

When we interact with our partners, there’s a whole lot more going on than just words going back and forth. We aren’t just having a conversation or an argument. Everything we are saying and doing is being perceived through the lens of that person’s life experiences – for better or for worse.


But that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

THE GROUND RULES

On top of those dynamics, there’s also this: People have a natural tendency to raise communication barriers in stressful situations. Disagreements are often stressful, right? So people tend to toss out negative, destructive, self-esteem-destroying remarks that cause the other person to get defensive, resistant or resentful.

And as we all know, it is extremely hard to resolve a problem when one or both people are tearing each other down or walling off the other.

These destructive kinds of comments sidetrack the conversation away from achieving resolution. They spoil communication because they cause hurt feelings. Every time someone builds one of these roadblocks, the other person is less likely to express how they really feel. And every time this happens, a little bit of the relationship’s strength is chipped away, and the couple moves a little farther apart emotionally.

There are the obvious ones that clearly equate to “fighting dirty” – things like name-calling and criticizing. Nobody likes to be on the receiving end of those, and it’s easy to see how those can quickly shut down communication altogether.


There are plenty of ways to criticize, some obvious and some not so obvious. The blatant ones tend to be the superlatives, like “always” and “never.” “You always make me do all the work.” “You never want to visit my relatives.”

And as for name-calling, well, I could give you endless examples, and we would be here all day. You know what they are, and you know how much they hurt.

But you don’t have to come right out and call someone an ugly name to show them that you are judging them. There are other subtle ways we manage to do that and create barriers to resolving the conflict.

Sometimes, we diagnose or analyze the other person, saying things like, “You’re only saying that because you know it annoys me.” Or even trickier, is praising the person in an attempt to get your way: “You’re such a good guy, so I know you’ll agree with me and do the right thing.”

Of course, nothing pushes another person away faster than trying to force them to go along with your opinion. “Do it because I said so” is the surest way to spark resistance, and “do this or else” is another great way to get someone angry. Commanding and threatening both demonstrate loud and clear that you don’t care what the other person has to say on the subject. It’s your way or the highway.

But there are more subtle ways to coerce others, as well. Perhaps we might


get a little preachy or try to moralize, saying things like, “The right thing for you to do would be to apologize.” Or, maybe we’ll try to turn things back around on the other person with questions like, “Don’t you feel bad that you just said that?”

Of course, there are two sides to every argument, right? But when two people are arguing, and you dismiss or avoid the other person’s concerns, you’re shutting down half the pathway to resolution. People do this when they simply give the other person a solution, which often conveniently fits the speaker’s own point of view. “If I were you, I’d get rid of all this junk.”

People might also try to turn the tables by changing the subject, or creating a distraction to divert attention away from the issue at hand. Sometimes, this involves picking a fight about something else in an effort to get the other person’s attention focused on that, instead of on talking about the real bugaboo in the relationship.

Another thing that people do to dismiss the other person is to simply refuse to respond, or disengage from the conversation. “I’m tired of talking about this. Let’s watch TV.” Click. Nothing shuts down a discussion like a remote. Or a screen of any kind, really. So please, when you’re having a conversation, turn them off. You would be surprised how many people need to be reminded of this, and I’m not just talking about teenagers whose fingers seem to be super-glued to their phones.

Of course, we tend to get upset if someone not only ignores our feelings, but also only talks about the facts. Someone might say, “We could buy a nicer


house if you would get a second job.” That might be true, but it completely discounts your feelings about getting a second job, or even your feelings about the need for a nicer house. While logic certainly has its place in resolving a conflict, emotions have their place, too.

It’s just plain hurtful when someone doesn’t take your feelings seriously, or when they flat-out try to stop you from feeling the way you do. Nothing is more frustrating than trying to tell someone how you feel, but then being told, “You worry too much,” or “There you go, getting all upset again.”

So you can see how all of these destructive communication tactics can shut down progress toward resolving a conflict, right? All of these things create barriers between people. They make people focus more on that barrier than on the problem they are trying to solve. They make people feel like they have to defend themselves.

When you feel like you’re under attack, you shift into self-protection mode, not resolution mode. The disagreement escalates, and the chasm in the relationship widens. Putting up a barrier is actually just throwing fuel on the fire. And the conflict becomes chronic, a constant source of tension between you.

So one big takeaway is this: If you want to solve your relationship conflict, once and for all, you need to stop erecting these barriers. Establish some ground rules. Commit to stay focused on the issue at hand. You need to be careful to attack the problem, not the person – and that’s something we’ll talk a lot more about later.


Of course, you can’t control how the other person communicates. You can’t control whether or not that person gets emotional, or fights dirty, or evades your questions. But there are some things you do have control over. And one of them is the way you communicate when you’re trying to work through the conflict.

ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION

The first step is recognizing and controlling your own reaction to the conflict. In conflict, people tend to be either passive or aggressive. People have a “fight or flight” response that kicks in when under stress. But when you come at someone fighting, there’s a really good chance they are going to fight back.

When two people are busy fighting, they aren’t solving anything. They’re trying to win – to prove to the other person that they are right, and he or she is wrong.

So my first tip for you is this: Instead of taking an aggressive position, or passively walking away, be assertive, but respectful. Check your anger, and remember that you are talking to a person who you care about.

But also, say what you need to say. Own your feelings, and make them clear


to the other person.

Here’s an example:

John and Mary have been having the same old argument, over and over, for years. He’s tired of coming home from work to a messy house, and since she doesn’t work outside the home, he can’t understand why she can’t just keep the house clean. Mary keeps telling him that she actually works harder than he does, since she has to run all the errands, cook all the meals, and take care of the kids. Both of them are just worn out, and it’s gotten to the point where the fighting starts as soon as John walks in the door after work.

Here’s an example of aggressive communication:

John walks in, sets his briefcase down, and says, “AGAIN? Really, Mary, what did you do all day? The living room looks like it was hit by a tornado.”Mary responds with, “SERIOUSLY? You have NO IDEA how busy I was today. If you want the living room clean, clean it yourself.”And there they go, straight into argument number 675 about the same old thing. Not a good way to start their evening together.

Or, perhaps they handle it passively.

John walks in, looks around, rolls his eyes, makes a big show of moving the laundry off the couch, lies down with the remote in hand, and ignores Mary.Mary rolls her eyes, retreats to the bedroom, and slams the door.That night at the family dinner, you could cut the tension with a knife. Not


good.

So, what could John and Mary have done differently? How about this:

John walks in and says, “Hi, Mary, my love. Here, I brought you some wine and chocolate.”

No, I’m kidding. Contrary to popular belief, wine and chocolate do not solve all problems.

So here’s an assertive approach. John lets a little time pass after he gets home, because he knows that this part of the day has been a flashpoint for arguments in the past, and he wants to resolve this, not start another fight.

And then he says, calmly but assertively, “Mary, I know that you are very busy during the day, taking care of the kids and errands. And I can tell that you cleaned up the kitchen, and that is so nice to come home to. But when I come home and our living room is a mess, it makes me feel like I don’t have a nice, quiet, relaxing place to come home to at the end of the day. I feel like you don’t appreciate how hard I work for us because you don’t seem to care that this bothers me.”

And Mary says to John, “I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t know you felt that way about it. Of course I appreciate how hard you work, and I don’t like the mess in the living room, either. But I feel like you expect too much from me because you want me to do more than I have time to do.”


See what they did there? They’re having a discussion about how they really feel, and they’re getting down to the heart of the matter. That’s better than wine and chocolate, right? And it’s certainly better than fighting or ignoring each other.

You might have noticed that in this example, both John and Mary used “I statements.” “I feel like you don’t appreciate how hard I work for us because you don’t seem to care that this bothers me.” “I feel like you expect too much from me because you want me to do more than I have time to do.”

So an I statement goes like this: “I feel BLANK when you BLANK because BLANK.”

I statements are really handy for expressing how you feel. Give it a try.

PREVENTING CONFLICT

You know what’s even better than resolving a conflict? Preventing it from happening in the first place.

Easier said than done, right? Well actually, once you get the hang of it, it’s not that hard at all.

I’m not talking about avoiding conflict, like John and Mary did by


retreating to separate rooms and ignoring each other. I’m talking about using a technique that’s similar to the one you just practiced, to prevent minor issues from blowing up into larger ones.

Diane Sawyer said that a criticism is a “poorly worded request.” This is a great way to look at it, and I try to keep it in mind both when I feel like I’m being criticized, and when I make a request of someone else.

Picture this: You’re outside washing the car, and your spouse walks out and says, “Why on earth do you always use that nasty old sponge to wash the car?” How would that make you feel? Might it make you feel like he or she is criticizing the way you’re doing the job?

I don’t know about you, but when I’m up standing outside in the heat, and I’m soaked head to toe with soapy water, I am in no mood for someone to waltz out there and tell me what I’m doing wrong.

But what if your spouse walks out and says, “Hey, would you mind using a new, clean sponge to wash the car? I’m worried that that old one has gotten gritty and might scratch the paint.” This is a request, not a critique.

When you make a request, say what you mean, and explain the reason behind it. In this example, the spouse is not criticizing the effort being made; but rather, explaining that the goal is to prevent dirt from the sponge from scratching the paint.

You might be thinking that it’s sure going to be hard to remember how to


word things when something is really annoying you. But I promise, the more you practice the techniques you learn today, the more they will become second nature.

IDENTIFYING INTERESTS

Another good way to stop an argument before it starts is to take the time to clarify your interests, and to ask the other person to do the same.

How many times have you thought that someone wanted one thing, but you found out later that what they were really after was something else entirely? Have you ever had an argument with someone, only to realize later that you completely misread what they were trying to tell you?

A whole lot of conflict can be avoided if people communicated clearly – not just about what they want, but also about why they want it. And this goes both ways. It’s a good rule of thumb to never assume that you know the reasons why people want what they do. It pays to get your partner to clarify why they are invested in their point of view.

If you really think about it, don’t you learn a lot about yourself when you’re working through a conflict? And don’t you learn about the other person, too? But most people look at conflict as something negative, when actually it can help people clarify what they are trying to achieve – together.


There are many clarification techniques you can use in everyday conversations, but I think the best one is simply to ask, “why?”

Here’s an example. If your spouse is resisting your suggestion that you go out on a date this weekend, you could assume that it’s because he doesn’t care about spending time with you. Or, you could try to get to the heart of the matter by asking him to clarify why he wants to stay home on Saturday night.

When you say, “I’m not understanding why you don’t want to go out to dinner with me. Can you tell me why?” you might learn that it has nothing to do with whether or not he wants to spend time with you. He might explain that he’s been working so much that he really just wants to spend the weekend at home, or he wants to start spending less on eating out and put more money into the retirement fund, or he’d rather save the babysitting money and go to the garden store this weekend to get those shrubs he’s been wanting to plant in the yard.

You won’t know unless you ask.

And speaking of money, how to spend it is often the No. 1 hot-button issue in marriages and relationships, so budgeting is one area where clarification of intent really goes a long way.

For example, when say you want to set aside money to fence the yard, and your partner doesn’t see the need for fencing right now, you could argue


back and forth, with each of you trying to “win.” Or, you could explain to your partner that you haven’t felt safe since the neighbor’s house got broken into, or that you really think that your son is finally mature enough to care for that golden retriever puppy that he’s been asking for since he was five.

What you and your partner are doing in that discussion is getting to the heart of what really matters. It’s not the fence, is it? And it’s not the money. It’s the desire to make your son happy, or to feel safe in your home.

This is a common theme in conflict resolution: Very often, the thing that the couple is arguing about is just the tip of the iceberg. There are deeper motivations that lie beneath, and bringing them to light is how you can finally break through the wall between you, once and for all.

It’s always a good idea to step a step back from a conflict and explore your own motivations. Ask yourself:

• How do I show my interest in the side I’m taking on this issue, or this proposal I’m making?

• Why am I fighting for this? Why is this important to me?• Am being competitive? How much of this conflict is related to me

wanting to win?• What are my true interests?• How can I act assertively on my true interests?


RESPONSES TO CONFLICT

So identifying your true, underlying interests and motivations is a great start to resolving a conflict. Once you have that nailed down, you just need to communicate that to your partner, and everything will be peachy. Right?

Well, there’s a lot more to it than that, because there are two people in this conflict, and there is more than one way to communicate. If your conflict has been simmering for a long time, I’d be willing to bet that there is room for improvement in how you’re communicating with each other on this particular topic that’s become such a roadblock in your relationship.

Yes, how you communicate is one part of the equation. But to resolve conflict, you’ve got to be aware not only of how you are communicating, but how the other person is communicating. You have to become good at assessing conflict situations, and at learning new conflict-resolution skills and applying them to your own situation. That’s why you’re here, right?

People are creatures of habit. We naturally tend to rely on the same conflict-handling mode, over and over. We get comfortable and assume that because it worked once, it will work again. That might be true, or it might not. What worked in one situation might not be the best way to handle another situation.


In every conflict, people are focused on two things: their own agenda, and the relationship.

Sometimes, you might care a lot about your agenda, and maybe in the heat of that moment you’re really not feeling the relationship. Maybe you and your spouse have been having the same old argument about money for months and months, and you don’t really care how they feel about it any more. You just know that you are right, and they are wrong. End of discussion.

But other times, you’re all about that relationship, and less assertive about getting your way. You look at your spouse, you see the sadness in their eyes, and you just want it all to stop. So you quit insisting that you’re right and they are wrong – at least for a little while.

So the style you use to respond to that conflict is going to depend on your level of commitment, at that moment, to these two things: your own agenda, and your relationship. And of course, it’s possible to be focused on both things at the same time, to varying degrees.

Keep in mind, that level of commitment might vary from day to day, or even from minute to minute. Because let’s face it, especially when someone is fighting dirty, it’s not uncommon to feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster.

So, depending on what we are focused on at the moment of the conflict – our own agenda or the relationship, or both – there are several different


ways you might respond. Let’s go through them, one at a time. And as we do, think about which way you tend to respond, and which way you think your partner tends to respond.

• Harmonizing. With this response, you place the relationship first, focusing on kindness and comfort. You neglect your own concerns to take care of the other person’s concerns. Harmonizing is excellent for soothing hurt feelings and healing broken hearts. It’s not the ideal response in a situation that calls for urgency, and it’s very likely that the harmonizer will end up accepting less than an ideal resolution, just to keep the peace. If Jane cries every time she and Tim argue, and Tim ends up just giving in because he can’t stand to see her cry, that isn’t conflict resolution. That’s one person giving in to the other person. And while this might sustain the relationship for a while, it doesn’t make the conflict go away for good, because one person has to give up what they need.

• Directing. Rather than focusing on the relationship, this approach focuses primarily on the agenda. And by that, I mean that one person is pushing his or her agenda on the other person. This zero-compromise position has its place in some situations, such as when you’re the Dad and you tell your 10-year-old son that he absolutely cannot rack up $250 in app purchases on your iPhone ever, ever again. But in a marriage or partnership, it often spells trouble. A couple partnership isn’t a workplace, where one person is the boss, so I advise you to tread lightly with this response. This goes back to what we talked about earlier about “poorly worded requests.”


Nobody likes to be told what to do and how to do it, so this response usually exacerbates a conflict.

• Avoidance. Here’s another tactic that can cause problems in relationships: diplomatically sidestepping the issue, postponing a discussion about it, or just walking away. Avoidance is actually really handy if the person you’re having a conflict with is some random road rage guy at a stoplight. Avoid looking at his rude hand gestures, do not make eye contact, and drive on. But if the conflict is with someone you’re in a long-term partnership with, avoiding the conflict isn’t going to resolve it. If you refuse to respond to your partner’s concerns, the whole thing might blow over temporarily, but it will also leave your partner feeling like you just don’t care enough to talk about it. You can defer an issue until you have time and energy to address it, but mark my words, this isn’t over. Like the Terminator, the conflict will be back, resurfacing with guns blazing.

• Competition. Some people approach conflict with an attitude that no matter what, they have to win. If you go into an argument with the idea that you need to come out a winner, or else you will be a loser, you are not going to give up. You are going to fight for your agenda to the bitter end. This can be very destructive to relationships, especially if the other person also approaches the conflict the same way. Two people who only want to win, and refuse to give in until they do, are not going to reach resolution. There’s no negotiation, just competition. And if and when one person wins, that means the other person loses, and that person is going to feel resentment.


• Compromise. Ah, good old compromise. Everybody gives in, a little bit. It’s a quick answer, and it is there for you when all else fails. But it doesn’t provide the same satisfaction as full resolution of a conflict, does it? It’s not a win/win. Both people are only partially getting their needs met. While it quiets a conflict down in some cases, in others, it feels more like giving up. So while it might work in some conflicts, it’s not the best solution for the really big issues.

You can see how people who rely on these various responses can clash when they come into conflict with each other. If Jack is an avoider, and Jan is competitive and plays to win, Jan’s probably going to get her way. If you have two harmonizers together, or two avoiders, they’re going to keep dancing around the issue, and their conflict might drag on forever, always causing tension in the background. And if you have two directors in a relationship, always bossing each other around, sparks are going to be flying, all the time.

Of course, all of these responses to conflict have their place in various scenarios in our lives, like other relationships with our kids, co-workers, and friends. But in the big conflicts within our closest, most important relationships, we might have to work a little harder to move away from our default approach that hasn’t been working, and try something new.


COLLABERATING

Which leads us to a different, and more effective, response to conflict: Cooperating and collaborating.

Remember what I said earlier about your response to a conflict depending on your level of commitment to both the relationship and your own agenda? Cooperating is a way to resolve conflict and honor both the agenda and the relationship.

Cooperating, or collaboration, is almost always the most effective way to resolve conflict and preserve a relationship. I’m not going to lie – it’s also the most time-consuming and difficult way. It takes work. It’s not always possible to dedicate the amount of time, energy, effort, and skill it takes to cooperate your way through every conflict in our lives. But for the big ones, the real relationship-killers? Yes, those are worth the investment. I’m willing to bet that the conflict that landed you here, in front of me, is worth that investment of time and energy.

When you’re collaborating to resolve a conflict, you’re being cooperative, but you’re still being assertive. The goal here is to preserve the relationship, but also the needs of both people who are in it. It’s about getting creative, taking action, being productive, and finally acting to put this conflict behind you.


And here’s something that’s really, really important to keep in mind: Collaboration is about digging below the obvious issue – that thing you keep arguing in circles about – to get down to the heart of what really matters. To find out what is really motivating each person’s agenda, and come up with a solution that addresses those needs, for both people.

Here’s what I mean by that. Let’s say that when Kathy and Joe got married, they each brought three kids into the marriage. Joe’s kids were brought up doing daily chores around the house, while Kathy has always believed in letting kids be kids and giving them lots of free time. Now you’ve got a tense dynamic in this Brady Bunch, where Joe’s kids are resentful that they are outside doing lawn work, while Kathy’s kids are inside playing Minecraft on the Xbox. Joe says Kathy needs to crack down on her kids and stop letting them be lazy bums. Kathy says Joe is criticizing her parenting and is way too hard on his own kids.

But once they stop arguing and start collaborating, they dig down deeper to find out why they feel so strongly about their positions when it comes to the kids and their responsibilities. And they learn something very interesting. They both want exactly the same thing: To raise happy, successful kids. They are just going about achieving that goal through different approaches. And they also discover that their belief systems about parenting have a lot to do with the way they, themselves, were raised by their own parents.

Do you see how, from this place of understanding, it would be much easier to reach a resolution to their conflict that preserves their relationship?


Exploring your own feelings, and those of the other person, isn’t something you can do effectively when emotions are running high. You’ll have to take lots of deep breaths, and keep your emotions in check. And you’ll have to trust your partner to do the same. It takes a lot of trust to lay down your weapons, right? This isn’t surrendering, but everyone does have to agree to disarm.

It’s worth the effort, because what this collaborative approach does is turn your conflict into a mutual problem that you are brainstorming a solution for together. That strengthens your relationship, whereas before, the conflict was tearing you apart. We’re going to talk a lot more today about how to work through collaborative approaches to get to the heart of your conflict and start working toward resolution, and as we do that, we’ll practice some of these techniques so you can get a feel for how to use them in your own relationship.

Our goal today is to expand the tools in your toolbox so that you have more techniques to draw from, so that next time, you’ll be able to reach in and pull out the one that’s most appropriate to your situation. And one of the most useful tools you can have in your toolbox is this: Knowing how to dig down deep and expose the true interests at the heart of the matter for each of you. Focus on those interests, not on the positions each of you is taking in the argument.


FOCUS ON INTERESTS, NOT POSITIONS

The two of you, together, need to resolve this thorny issue. And the way to do that is not to focus on your respective positions, but to focus on your respective interests.

Here’s what I mean by that.

Let’s go back to that example I used earlier, about the Brady Bunch couple who were in conflict because the father believed in giving his kids a lot of responsibility, while the mother believed in letting her kids have lots of free time.

Those were their positions. But what was lying beneath those positions was their true interest. What they really wanted most of all - the heart of the matter that was informing their positions.

In this case, they both wanted what was best for their kids. They wanted to raise successful, happy kids – that was their mutual interest. They just had different positions on how to achieve that same interest.

People tend to get fixated on their positions. They dig in. They try to talk the other person into coming over to their side, and taking the same position. How many times has that worked out for you? You rarely change the other person’s position, right?

If a conflict is defined by positions, somebody has to win, and somebody


has to lose. Nobody wants to be the loser in a relationship. And honestly, it’s not fair for one person to have all the power, is it?

Focusing on positions causes conflict because people’s emotions get all wrapped up in their positions. But when you separate the positions from the interests behind them, you’ve got something else entirely. You’ve got two people, who have real, valid reasons for taking the positions that they do. When you define a problem in terms of interests, you just might realize that you can find a solution that can satisfy both people’s interests.

Maybe you’ll find out that your interests, and your partner’s interests, are compatible. Or, maybe you’ll find out that they are in conflict. But when you stop asking, “What do you want?” and start asking, “Why do you want it?” or “Why don’t you want this other thing?” you can really begin to nail down the problem that actually needs to be addressed. And that is the first step to making real progress in resolving conflicts.

At the root of it all, some pretty basic interests drive human beings. We need to be secure. We need to have economic well-being so that we can afford the things we need to live. Most of us feel at least some drive to belong. Whether we admit it or not, it’s nice to be recognized. And all of us want to have control over our lives. Part of being in a relationship, though, means that we aren’t looking out only for our own interests. We have to look out for our partner’s interests, too.

When you’re discussing interests in a conflict, you’re trying to reach a


solution that will work for both of you. You’ll need to explain each of your own interests clearly, but you also need acknowledge the other person’s interests. Listen actively, and your partner will likely be motivated to respond in kind, and will take your interests seriously.

DEVELOPING OPTIONS FOR MUTUAL GAIN

Ok, so you’ve cleared the air. You’ve heard your partner out. You’ve peeled back the layers, and now you each understand where the other person is coming from. You know not only what their position is, but what their interest is that is motivating their position. You finally get why they feel the way they do about this wicked problem you’re trying to solve together.

Good talk. That feels better already.

But you’re not done yet. What’s next?

Now it’s time to start working together to explore some options that meet both people’s needs.

It’s not the easiest thing to do, but it’s the right thing to do.

Even though you may have diagnosed the problem, it’s human nature to still believe that your answer is the best answer. But you’ve really got to let


go of the idea that you have to win, and start brainstorming options that fulfill your interests, and your partner’s interests – not necessarily your position or your partner’s position.

The goal here is not to re-hash what’s happened in the past, but to explore different proposals and reach an agreement for how to handle things for the future. Agreements that will stand the test of time fulfill both parties’ interests.

When both people develop solutions together, both people are invested in making those solutions work. Both people are committed to the ideas they developed and agreed on.

THE PROBLEM-SOLVING PROCESS

When you sit down with your partner to brainstorm solutions to your conflict, I suggest that you do it formally.

Plan it when you have a good block of time to focus on this and this alone. Pick a quiet place where you can be alone. Turn off the TV and silence your phones. Get some pencils and paper, or a laptop to take notes. Treat it like a business meeting, where you have an agenda that needs to be addressed, because that’s really what you do have.


A good place to start is by clarifying what you’ve already covered:

What interests do you have in common? Do both of you share a common interest from which you can build a solution? Can you at least agree that you have a common interest in preserving your relationship, and work from there?

Going back to our Brady Bunch example. Both parents want to raise happy, successful kids. Both of them agree that they want to stay married and raise those kids together. Those are the interests that they have in common, and that is a great starting point to start thinking about possible solutions.

But what if you and your partner are chasing completely separate interests? How do you reconcile that?

You have to think about what you are willing to concede that would be a big benefit to your partner, but that would come at a low cost to you. And your partner must do the same. You have to propose ideas that appeal to your partner, that he or she would happily agree to, and that you can easily live with also.

Which leads us to step two:

Make proposals. Leave nothing off the table. Get creative. Go into this with the assumption that there are no stupid ideas. And by the way, if you do think your spouse has a stupid idea, keep that opinion to yourself, please. At this stage, everything is fair game.


As you make proposals, explain why you think each proposal is acceptable to you, and how it fits the other person’s interests, as well.

Be objective. Focus on the facts. Remember, you are partners in solving this problem, not adversaries. Be realistic, fair, and reasonable. As you discuss each proposal, write everything down. Decide together how you would evaluate each proposed solution using objective criteria. Keep it practical. Look for precedents. What have others done that has worked in similar situations? Ask if both of you would agree to be bound by these criteria.

Be specific. Discuss not just “what,” but “who does what.” Sometimes the best solution is agreeing on procedural criteria, rather than substantive criteria. In other words, it’s not always going to be about who gets the biggest piece of the pie – perhaps the solution is that one person is the pie slicer, and the other person is the pie server.

Ask “Why?” Find out the reasoning behind the other person’s suggestions. You might even be able to use their reasoning to support your own proposals, which is a great way to find common ground and gain the other person’s buy-in for your ideas.

Acknowledge emotion, but don’t engage. It would be great if we could say, “Let’s leave emotion out of this,” but realistically, we are emotional people, and this process can get frustrating. So if someone gets upset or angry, acknowledge that and try to understand where the emotion


is coming from. Don’t dismiss that person’s feelings, but don’t make things worse by reacting emotionally too. We’re in this together, so let’s be empathetic to each other’s feelings. This might get tough for both of us, and that’s OK. We are still making progress.

Hear each other out. Don’t criticize. Don’t leap to premature judgment. It’s not time to decide anything yet. You don’t want to jump the gun, make an early decision, and miss out on any other possible alternatives. Now is the time to share ideas, and actively listen. Stop planning your own response, there will be time for that later. Just listen, and ask questions when you need clarification. And expect the other person to do the same for you.

Keep going until you’ve both run out of ideas. Take a break, then come right back for the next step:

Evaluate your options.

Read through your list of proposals, together. Based on the objective criteria that you have outlined, which of them seem most promising? Discuss those first, but consider every alternative.

Refine the options. If a few ideas stand out as viable options, explore them further. Discuss the pros and cons. Dig deeper. Tweak them. Make improvements. Evaluate them thoroughly. Talk about how you feel about them, how they meet your interests, how you think they meet your partner’s interests.


Keep it constructive, not destructive. You might think that you’re giving constructive feedback, but the other person might not receive it that way. Choose your words carefully, and remember that the other person can take your feedback – or leave it – and that’s OK. It’s only “constructive feedback” if the other person decides to use it constructively, right? So be careful how you word things when you give feedback. Think about what message you’re trying to convey. Think about the other person, and how you think they will receive that message. Think about how that person is feeling right now. If the person is already upset, is this the right time to say it? If you think it is, tell them you’d like to give them feedback, and make sure they are open to it. Then, state your message clearly. “I’m having a hard time with the idea of separate bank accounts because it makes me feel like there would be even more distance between us.” Or, “I’m concerned that this might make it even harder for us to communicate with each other about money.” Then, give the person an alternative. “I’m hoping that you would consider a joint bank account, and that we could work out a way to manage our funds together.”

Break each solution down into steps. Develop an action plan. Sometimes a proposed solution can seem overwhelming or impossible. You owe it to yourselves to take your time and fully evaluate every option to see if it is realistic and do-able.

Keep in mind that there may not be just one single answer. Conflicts are complex. Perhaps the solution lies in taking multiple courses of action right away, or sequentially over a longer period of time.


Remember, this isn’t a win-lose situation. You may feel that old familiar pull to “win” your position, or it may seem easier to just give up and let the other person have their way. Don’t go there. Remember that this is a solution everyone has to be happy with for the long term. Approaching this as win-or-lose means that someone isn’t going to be happy, and haven’t you had enough unhappiness already?

Now, this all sounds so nice and productive, doesn’t it? We sit down, we hash it out, we pick a solution, problem solved.

Easier said than done, right?

The truth is, people often run into obstacles when working through problems. Sometime people pull a power play, and sometimes they play dirty tricks. Sometimes they just won’t play.

Here are a few tips to keep it productive:

• Stay focused on the problem, not the person. • When you’re attacked, don’t counterattack – attack the problem instead.• Remember: talk about interests, not positions. • Use objective criteria to evaluate proposals. • Make a rule that only one person is allowed to get mad at a time. • Don’t defend your ideas; instead ask the other person what’s wrong with the idea and use that information to hone in on their


interests.• Ask the other person what they would do if they were in your shoes.• Figure out why the other person wants what they want, and then try to find an alternative that might fill that need.• Let the other person blow off steam if they need to, without getting defensive, then refocus on the problem.• Ask questions instead of making statements. Wait for answers.

BEST-CASE AND WORST-CASE SCENARIOS

Even when couples do everything right during the solutions process, sometimes they simply get stuck. But this doesn’t mean the conflict is not resolvable.

Let’s say that you and your partner have talked and talked, and you just can’t reach an agreement. You just can’t seem to find common ground.

So think about this. What happens if you don’t work this out? What happens if you just give up, or refuse to give in?

You know what your own personal best-case scenario for that outcome would look like, and you also know what your own personal worst-case scenario for that outcome would look like. And your partner has his or her


own ideas about what those scenarios might be, too.

So the question is, how do those scenarios compare to the solutions that are on the table?

Is your own worst-case scenario worse than accepting one of these solutions? In other words, would you be worse off if you walk away and leave this unresolved?

On the other hand, if one of the proposals on the table absolutely feels worse to you than your worst-case scenario, then stand your ground and don’t accept that one, or propose changes that will make it acceptable to you.

Also consider, are these proposed solutions better than your best-case scenario? In other words, would you be better off accepting this proposal than walking away, even though it might mean you’d have to give a little?

If it’s possible that one of these proposals could be better than the best-case scenario you think will happen if you leave this unresolved, you owe it to yourself to seriously consider taking that offer.

After all, you’re sitting here having this discussion with this person because you want a solution that’s better than the problem you’ve got now, right?

But here’s the tricky thing about these best- and worst-case scenarios. The two people in the relationship might not have the same best- and worst-


case scenarios in mind.

Let’s say that Bill and Jen have been having this huge conflict, and Jen has decided that if they can’t resolve it, the worst thing that will happen is that they will split up and she will be heartbroken and alone, and she will have to get a new job to pay for her own place. Thinking about this fills her with anxiety. And Bill has decided that if they can’t resolve it, the worst thing that will happen is that they will split up and he will be heartbroken, but he will also be a single guy again and get to go out fishing every weekend with his buddies, like he used to do before he met Jen. So in his mind, a split would be rough, sure, but he’s not filled with anxiety about it. Who do you think has the upper hand in that negotiation? Who do think is more likely to be invested in reaching resolution?

Can you see how clarifying these scenarios can help couples understand power imbalances in negotiation, which can be helpful in reaching resolution?

This is why we mediators encourage people in conflict to clarify these best- and worst-case scenarios for themselves, right up front. We call them the Worst Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement, or WANTA, and the Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement, or BANTA.

Think about it this way.

Imagine a road, with your best-case scenario at one end and your worst-case scenario at the other end. And in between, like little houses, are all the


possible solutions that you and your partner can come up with.

The goal is not for this little sit-down to end up with you arriving at either your best-case scenario or your worst-case scenario. And it’s not supposed to end up with your partner arriving at his or her best- or worst-case scenario, either. It’s supposed to end up with both of you living together in one of those houses in the middle. Maybe not exactly in the middle, but somewhere near the middle of that road, in a solution where you can both live happily.

Remember: The important thing is not to win. The important thing is to settle this thing, once and for all, and to move on down the road together and preserve this relationship.

CONCLUSION I hope that by sharing some of the tricks of the mediator trade, I have empowered you with some tools to help you work through your conflict, reach a resolution, and preserve your relationship. It won’t always be easy, but I assure you that the hard work of conflict resolution is well worth the effort.OK, I want to leave you with one lifeline to keep in mind. If you give it your all, and you and your partner just can’t reach a resolution together that meets both of your needs, it’s not the end of the road. The next step might just be a visit with someone like me, a professional mediator, who can serve


as an objective third party who brings you two together to hammer out a solution, once and for all. Thank you so much for caring enough about each other to read this e-book today, and please let me know if I can help you in the future. I’m just a phone call or email away.

Website: www.dolakdisputeresolution.comEmail: [email protected]://www.facebook.com/dolakdisputeresolution/

817-781-7910

BIOGRAPHY

Sharon Dolak received her Mediation Certificate in 2006 from Texas Woman’s University and advanced her skills and certifications to include Mediation, Arbitration and Workplace mediation earning her the credential of MDR from Mediators Without Borders. In 2013 Sharon completed training through Mediation Dynamics that satisfied the standards of the Texas Mediation Trainers Roundtable (and also the Texas Mediator Credentialing Association) for family mediation training. Sharon is trained in the fields of family dynamics, child development, and "family law” as specified by Texas law (Texas Civil Practice and Remedies Code section


154.052). She is qualified as a court-appointed mediator able to perform mediation of disputes relating to the parent-child relationship most frequently in divorce and post-divorce cases.

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