A Boxed-In Love 2.0

8/9/2019 A Boxed-In Love 2.0

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A BOXED-IN LOVE 2.0

If there were three things in my life which I awfully regret:

It was not knowing for myself that love knows no boundaries.It was boxing in my feelings for you and lying to myself.

It was choosing not to be with you.

By princessofdisaster

One bowl of samgyupsal, please, I told the scrawny little lad in front of me. I was alone in the streets of Apkujeong. People and the placesthey look the same, butsomehow they seemed to have been far from what they were back then. Leaves hadstarted to fall from the trees as they swayed to the gentle breeze that blew across my face. It was late afternoon, and the concrete buildings, mostly painted in the shades of metallic gray, were somewhat painted with the red-orange glow of

the sunset.

The lad held out a bowl of the hot, steaming meal in front of me. The aroma of samgyupsal started filling my nostrils and made my stomach grumble. That makes twenty won, the lad said in a foghorn voice.

Without looking at the lad, I shelled out money from my wallet and gave it to him. Then, I started walking along the street with a bag containing the samgyupsal. Just a few blocks away, I could already see the very building which held up many memories. Just by sniffing the scent of food I held with my hands, I could remember how much you criticized me for not knowing how to cook.

Ten years had passed already. With the now-defunct girl group that went soaring

up in the music charts long gone, I somehow hungered for the scream and applauseof fans every time I passed by the streets in this place.

Ill be there, honey. Just give me an hour and Ill be there. Need to get some things. Okay? ByeI love

That faint voice sounded familiar, and it came from a black-haired girl standingnot too far away from me. She stood in front of the building of those memories,gazing momentarily at it, and taking a deep sigh before entering the building.

I couldnt believe it was you.

===

Annyeonghaseyo! My name is

Jessica?

Well, then, I guess

Oh, Im sorry, was I talking to you?

===


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I remembered the first time we met at that same building. I was stretching my muscles and doing the usual warm-up routine when the door slowly opened and your head peeped out of it. I was startled, not because you suddenly bust into my routine, but because, when I saw you, that wide smile across your face came rushingtowards me. I spaced out and didnt know what to do.Ive met a lot of girls, but theyre nothing compared to how I met you. But really,

it was just some plain accident that you stumbled into my routine and I, on theother hand, began to space out in front of you.

===

I quickened my pace to the building, trying to keep up with you. But you alreadywent inside. I wasted no time and followed you inside the building, thinking Imight have that chance to tell youGood morning, maamoh, I, I, the guard stuttered as I entered the building. He then bowed his head at me, but I ignored him and asked, Is that Kwon Yuri earlier?

Uh, yes, maam. She was just going to get some things she left behind ten years ago

.

Okay, thanks, sir, I answered without looking back at him. I then gave him the bagof samgyupsal that I carried with me earlier. Oh, and this is for you.

The eyes of the guard widened. W-what? But I had breakfast

Its for lunch. Got to go, oppa.

I suppose you also wanted to get your things, Miss Jessica?

Yes.

I rushed to the elevator and pushed some buttons in front of me. I tapped my foot on the floor as I anxiously waited for the elevator to stop at the floor whichheld even more memories of my boxed-in feelings.

===

Um, Jessica-sshi, can I come in?

Oh, okay, but you cant step in here with your shoes on. You know, the rules.

Oh, okay, unnie, thank you for the reminder.

No problem.

===

It was the first day that I actually smiled, in like, years? Ive never smiled like that before. You were just too gullible not to be laughed at. You looked veryembarrassed and I could see your face getting red as others started giggling with me. I felt sorry for what I did, but at the same time, I was happy, not because I was able to pull off a prank on you, but because you were able to put a smile on my facesomething that other people hadnt done before with me.At that time, I wondered if I could fall in love with someone like you.

===

Shoot.


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The elevator doors opened. As I stepped out of it, I literally forgot where we used to share those memories together. I walked quickly along the corridors, gazing at every door that I could find to look for the room.

Oh, shoot.

Again, that faint, familiar voice went ringing in my ears. I slowed down my face

to trace where that voice came from. Not too soon, I saw a slightly open door not far away from me. I tiptoed towards that door and saw the past in shades of white and gray.

To me, the place looked the same, except that it barely contained a few pieces of furniture and some empty boxes. But I was glad for it, because if it had contained more and more things, then, Id probably break down from too much nostalgia.Pieces of trash and some paper lay carelessly on the floor.

Silently, I started to find you in the area, gazing at the cobwebs and some occasional spiders crawling from these nets. The kitchen which held our refrigerator, the countertops, and food seemed to have lost most of its functions. The only

thing it gave me at that moment was more nostalgia and memoriesof how I sucked atcooking, and how good you were in it.

Maybe the company got rid of them.

Again, I heard your voice, and I sure knew where I was headed. It was the only room where you would hide inside your white cupboard, and when I found you, you would pretend to be asleep. It was really irritating, but seeing you fool aroundmade me fall in love with you anymore.Still, I wondered if I could ever fall for someone like you.

I peeped into your room, and tears had started welling up at the corner of my eyes as I watched you sitting on the floor, your legs crossed, and examining those

contents from the medium-sized box in one corner. I tried to take in deep breaths as you pulled out a pair of trainers, a lollipop toy, that handkerchief whichthen turned pale brown, the envelope which held our doodles and notes together

Everything from the past came back to me in a split second. I didnt know if I wasreading too much of Harry Potter, but I felt like being sucked into the magicalPensieve, and watched those moments we had from afar.

===

I was fond of holding your hand or hugging you, but it would never be the same as when I held you by the hand at the time we won our first Music Bank trophy. Atthat time, I realized that the only person who could truly stand by my side asmy best friend was, at the same time, the same person who made me smile every day, who shared my joys and pains, who felt the urge to protect methe one who heldmy heart. During what I thought would be the last five seconds of my life, I held on tight to you, not wanting to let go, because I knew, for sure, I was safe with you.

===

What theAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Jessica!

Omowere going to die!

Sica, its going to be alright, Im here, just hold on to me,


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Yuri-yah WAAAAAHHHH!!! (tires screeching)

===

Luckily, we made it. What was even more wonderful was us winning something thatnight. I could only look at you, and though my sight of you was blurred by my ow

n tears, I still found my way into your arms the moment you pulled me into an embrace. I felt warmth and comfort in your arms, and I couldnt help but lean my head onto your shoulder and sob. You didnt know how much I needed to be with you atthat time. You didnt know that you were someone I didnt want to lose for the restof my lifethe one I wanted to see forever with. The only doubt that I had was ifthese feelings for you were right.

===

I didnt feel my relationship with Jaejoong was a real oneit went on and off just like the blinking lights in the Christmas tree. Every time I was with him, everytime I ate with him, kissed him, hugged him, missed him, I would always think of

you and wait for that moment for you to take me away from him. There was a timewhen you used that handkerchief to wipe away my tears, and it made me feel moreimportant to you.

===

Why cant he just stay a little longer? Jaejoong-oppa is Japan is

I know, Sica, but hes, you knowbusiness matters,

But why break up with me? He can just call me every night while hes away,

I dont know, maybe, justhe needs some time to prove his worth I think,

Really? But I know he had already proved it,

Maybe he just wanted to come back to you as someone whos even more, um, whos even better?

I cant live without him, I just cant

Its okay, Sica. Just let it all out. Im here for youwere best friends, right? No Jaejoong-oppa or any other guy is going to hurt you when Im around,

===

Throughout that moment, I waited for you to tell me that you were much, much better than Jaejoong-oppa. But no other words came from your mouth except let it allout or were best friends, something which irritated me more than it comforted me. Because I was hurt to see you not try that hard enough. That wasnt what I wanted from you in the first place. Instead, I wanted you to tell me how much you lovedme. I wanted to you to kiss me, hug me, tell me all those sweet words no other person could tell me. And I wanted to tell you the same. But were friends. And falling in love with the same species is another issue. It was something we could never do.Still, I doubted if you would ever love me. I wondered why you could make such a

lingering pain on methe pain of waiting for you, the pain of thinking wildly ofthose possibilities that we could be together, the pain of trying to find my meaning or my place in your heart even if it seemed I had no meaning to you other t


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han as a best friend.

===

Howdy?

Yuri-yah, keep focus on the show!

Youre even spacing outand you tell me to focus? Keke~

Whatever.

Sica.

What?! Again?

Do you really mean it, what you said earlier about me meeting your in-laws?

Of course, keke. Why, youre my Kwon Seobang, arent you? Keke~ You should meet mom.

===

Those things I wrote you during that one radio showI meant every single one of them. But I guess you wouldnt care. You saw me as a best friend after all. I thinkyou didnt know me too well; I was bad at making jokes. If I would have written I love you Kwon Yuri on these sheets of paper, would you have returned them by writing I love you, too?

I guess not.

I decided to look for reasons not to love you anymore. I decided to return Jaejoongs love back, to make it all up to him. I thought it was that easy, because you

didnt even care. You only smiled at me and even cheered me up every time I toldyou about Jaejoong. Seeing that was painful. I wanted to tell you it was all forshow, but I couldnt. We were best friends, and, clich as it sounded in romancenovels and magazines, I wanted to have you as a friend than not to have you in my life at all.

===

You took your time looking at those things, until finally, you took out that onething which reminded me most of the wrong decision I made.

===

Baby, come to me nowAnd be my ladyIve watched you for too longI stood there with no words,hiding my pitiful heart.

===

Your voice cracked as I heard you sing every single line from that song. It wasmy party, and I should have been happy to listen to you sing, but I wasnt. It wassomething that got me all confused. I wanted to tell myself that it was all forme, that you were actually confessing your love for me. But a part of me told o

therwise. Maybe you were just frustrated with Yunho-oppa, whom you said you liked ever since pre-debut.


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But I couldnt hide the suspicion as you slightly looked up at me, showing me those tearful eyes, then turned around to walk out into the balcony.

I couldnt do anything but just watch you walk away. I wanted to comfort you and ask you what was wrong, but this awkward feeling I hadthe fear that I might be directly confessing to you, the fear that Id get rejected, the fear of being goofedaround by friends, especially Jaejoongstopped me from doing so. It was the fear t

hat I wished I had conquered.

After having a bottle or two of soju during the party, my inner senses told me to ask you about your feelings. I didnt know if alcohol did that for me. Or maybeI ran out of patience.

===

Jaejoong-oppa, please,

J-just one kiss, Jessica, and well get you home.

But, Y-yuri-yah would be worrying about me

Why are YOU always mentioning Yuri?!

Youre drunk, okay, just stand up straight and walk with me.

W-what d-does Yuri have that I dont?! Huh?!

Jae

Stop this n-nonsense. Are you in love with her? D-do you ch-choose her over me?!I-Im the right one for y-you, Jessica

===

Jaejoong was a bit heavy and groggy when I accompanied him home. I was lucky youdidnt get to hear from us, you being several feet behind. At once, I felt sorryfor Jaejoong. And I felt he was rightI didnt want to end up in a wrong relationship. I bade him goodbye at the gate and watched him walk towards the entrance of his dorm, apparently without a thought of where to go. I loved you, but being with you was a mistake. All a mistake.

===

Yah, Sica.

Hm?

Tired?

Yeah, and sleepy. Hey, can you bring these boxes of presents for me to my room? Hyo went straight to the bathroom and I had no one else to help me out.

Sure.

Um, Sica?

Hey, Yuri-yah, thanks for coming along.


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No problem. Anything for my best friend.

Aw, how sweet of my Kwon Seobang. Keke~

Actually, I forgot throughout the party that I have something to give you.

Jinja, jinja?! Nice, nice! Is it DBSK? Oh, well, Jaejoong will still make a finepresent, keke~

Unfortunately, no. I dont know how to put this

===

We arrived at the dorm at about two in the morning that day. I was a bit sleepy,but when I talked to you, I felt my energy coming back. On the other hand, I tried to restrain my feelings by being not too close as you as possible. I remembered what the drunk Jaejoong told me,

Im the right one for you, Jessica

The thought scared me.

You settled down the gifts on one corner of my room as I straightened out the sheets on my bed. I was about to tell you how much fun I had with Jaejoongwhen, inreality, I didnt seem to enjoy the party at all, not with you out in the balconywhen you came up to me and handed me

those pair of earrings.

===

Here.

Do you like it? I cant think of anything, but you kept bugging me about it and told me you liked that pair very much, so I

W-well, I think I have to go now. Im a bit sleepy. Goodnight Sica baby.

Yuri-yah.

What is it?

Do you like me?

Of course, as your best friend, I do.

Is that why you were acting strangely this evening?

What?! What the heck are you talking about? If you think I was being strange, itsbecause the chocolate cake gave me the bad tummy and the soju didnt taste good.

No, I dont think so, Yuri-yah. You didnt even talk to me or look at me while I waswith Jaejoong.


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Come on, you were all lovey-dovey, and we had to leave you two alone. Keke~

Not talking to me was part of the plan? Keeping silent the whole evening was partof the plan? Refusing my chocolate cake was part of the plan? And singing THATsong in front of me was part of the plan? I thought I knew you Kwon Yuri. But Icouldnt understand you all the while.

Oh come on, my frustrations over Yunho-oppa came over so I had to sing that song!What does it mean to you, anyway?!

I hate you.

W-what!? What did I do wrong, Sica? You must have misunderstood me.

What now?!

Kwon Yuri. I kept wondering why you cant tell me directly what the hell was wrong

with you at the party. Now, I started to realize that it concerns me, andand youcant tell me, your best friend, about it.

Well, you didnt even tell me you hadnt given up Jaejoong yet.

And so? What is it to you, Kwon Yuri? Tell me, are you in love with me or something like that?! Is that why youre jealous about Jaejoong going out with me this evening? Is that it!?

IIm notits not what it seems, Sica

Then whats wrong?!

===

I got tired of you trying to evade that feelingthe same feeling that I had with you. I slightly stomped my feet and started heading for the door. Suddenly, you pulled me into your arms. And for a second or two, you leaned in and kissed me.

I should have been in shock. I should have pushed you away. But, as we remainedstill with our lips locked to each other, I slowly closed my eyes and thought for a while. Your scent started filling my senses, and the warmth of your lips started flowing throughout my body. I knewyour kiss meant everything that I longed to tell you: I love you, I love you, I love you

However, I felt disgusted when Jaejoong and his words started coming back into my head. It got me thinking: where are we headed after this? Where would this relationship go? What would other people say? I guess I was too young to even understand and be optimistic about those things. All I could think about was my future, my own future, I was too selfish to even think about your feelings for me, and I lied too much about my own feelings as well

I love

Suddenly, I had the urge to push you away. I swung my left arm, and soon after,my palm landed hard on your left cheek. I didnt know if it was from the strong fo

rce that my slap had on your face, but you slightly stumbled back and covered your cheek with your palm. I swiftly dropped the earrings you gave me to the floor.


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After that, I found myself taken aback by my own actions. I couldnt believe thatI suddenly ended our beautiful friendship with that slap. Nevertheless, I rushedout of my own room, out of the dorm, and out of the building I could feel the rain starting to fall on me but I didnt care.

All I wanted was to be alone. But did I really want to be alone? See, I was too

good at lying to myself. For once, I hated myself for not following my instinct,for not following my heart. Hot streams of salty liquid fell like endless streams along my cheeks as I slowed down my pace along the sidewalk. Only a few people have noticed me crying, and some of the cars that passed by the road zoomed away like they didnt care about who was sad and lonely at those times. Minutes later, I found a bench not too far from the company building. I propped myself carelessly on that bench.

Ouch! What the

I felt a prickling pain near the underside of my skirt. My hand snaked down, andfound something glittering stuck to the crumpled creases of my skirt.

It was the one earring you gave me.

I stared at it. To think of it, it was the most beautiful present I could have for my birthday especially that it came from you. Thoughts of you trying to confess your love to me earlier then re-emerged from the inner recesses of my brain.I was again confused, too confused.

Eottoke, I sighed.

Yes, it was a symbol of your undying love for me, or well, so I thought. At thesame time, it left a mark of vexation in my head, a kind of incomprehensibilitywhich I couldnt deal with by saying I love you back. I swore to myself that I would

keep that earring until I was sure of my feelingsby then, I decided to either return it, when Im sure that this was all wrong, or take back the other earring from you, if I made up my mind that my feelings for you were right. I thought it would be all easy, but I was wrong.

Since that incident, you never even bothered to come to me and talk about it. Iwanted you to say something first. I wanted you to tell me, convince me that what you were feeling for me was right all along. But you didnt even try hard enough. I waited for you for so many days, weeks, months, and even years.

It was an inner conflict that I dealt with, until we left SNSD. During that lastday, when I had to leave for US, still, I waited for you to say anything. But you didnt. Those things wed left unsaid had piled up too much on my heart, until they were no more.

Fame is volatile, and so is love unexpressed.

Until now, I kept the earring with me. What should I do?

===

I couldnt bear to see the scene in front of me. My throat hurt as I silently ranaway from the room. I ran along the corridors, hoping to find someone who couldcomfort me at that moment. Suddenly, I stumbled upon a tall guy in front of me.I was too emotional to even notice the guard as he backed away a bit from me.

Oh, Miss Jessica, Im sorry, the guard said.


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I-Its okay, sir, I stuttered, trying to suppress my tears.

Wheres Miss Kwon? I thought you followed her into the room.

Uh, n-no, I

Anyway I was just going to get her. Someones looking for her outside. An oppa, I t

hink.

Really? Well, thatsIm going, oppa.

I didnt even apologize to the guard. What I wanted at that moment, after all, wasto get away from that building as possible. I had to stop regretting all aboutwhat happened and try to live a new life ahead. The only question I had in mind,however, is where I should start, because, until now, I was never able to loveback the same way I loved you.

As I made my way out of the building, I saw someone familiar standing beside thesidewalk. His body leaned back against the door of a carhis car, I thinkand he wa

s humming some songs to himself.

Hm, hm, hm kissing you, oh my love

Could it be, Yuris~

I stood hidden at one corner of the building. I crossed my fingers, hoping I wouldnt see what I had in my mind at that moment.

Just then, the guy outside the building went in. Minutes later,

I saw you in your most beautiful smile,

Looking up at your new love,

With your hand and his hand linked together.

You giving him the hint that he was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

I guess I had to give you back the earring.

the end

A Boxed-In Love 2.0

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