3. Are you ready to put it all together? Here are the next steps for success.a. Turn off your cell phone. (Yes, really! This sends the message that your child is important enough to have your full atten-tion.) Invite your child to talk with you and let her know you care.

b. Tell your child what you would like to discuss. If solving a problem or making a decision is part of what you want to accomplish, explain that you are going to take those off the table until you both have had a chance to speak and be heard.

cc. Invite your child to go first and tell you her thoughts, feelings, and desires about the topic. Resist the urge to cut her off or start talking about how you see the situation.

d. Listen with great empathy. See the world thSee the world through her eyes. What she is feel-ing and thinking makes sense to her. Look at the world from her perspective, and then speak her reality out loud, especially when it is different from your own.

e. Be curious: ask clarifying questions, recap often and respectfully, and stay focused on her. She needs to feel that you are sincere and caring, not just parroting her words back to her. Let her know that all of her thoughts, feelings, and de-sires are OK. Make it safe for her to be honest and open with you, even when what she is thinking, feelingfeeling, or wanting is uncomfortable or not what you were hoping for.

Effective Communication Worksheet, pg. 2f. Keep in mind what you want to accomplish and how you aspire to be in this conversation regard-less of how she chooses to be.

g. When you think she is finished, ask her if there is anything else she would like to say about this topic.

h. After she says that she has nothing more to add, start to speak with clarity about your own thoughts, feelings, and desires.

ii. After you reveal your thoughts, feelings and desires, she may have something more to say, so take turns, going back and forth as long as needed to get meaningful understanding. Re-member that understanding does not mean agreeing.

j. If you are looking for solutions or making a de-cision, now is the time to get some ideas out on the table.

i. Ask your child for her ideas about possible solutions or decisions. Ask her to explain how her ideas honor and respect her concerns and desires as well as yours.ii. Present a few ideas of your own, along with your explanation of how you think they take into account her thoughts, feelings, and desires as well as your own. iiiiii. As the parent, it is always your responsibility to make final decisions, yet consider your child’s input as much as you can. Adapt and allow her more influence as she matures. iv. Make your decision and discuss it with her.

kk. Whatever the purpose of the conversation, always end with a sincere expression of respect, caring, or appreciation..com

Effective Communication WorksheetA Resiliency Toolkit Worksheet Written by Anne Evans-Cazier, LCSW

The topic I want to discuss is…

Check to maCheck to make sure your topic is your underlying concern, not a solution you have already decided on. For example, “I want to talk about how we do laundry” is a topic, while “I want you to put away your clean clothes” is a solution. Rewrite if neces-sary.

Prepare yourself by completing the following:

1. How do you aspire to be in the conversation? Write down some words that describe how you would like to be during this conversation. For ex-ample, you might want to stay calm, be patient, be curious, be clear, or be kind.

a. During the conversation, I want to be…

b. Choose one word from your list that seems the most important for this situation and write it in large letters here:

d. Recall the experience as vividly as possible. Remember how you felt, both physically and emotionally, and recapture that experience in your imagination as strongly as you can. Answer-ing these questions might help you.

i. Where were you? ii. Were you inside or outside? iii. What did the place look like? iv. What time of day was it? Time of year? v. What was the weather like? vi. Were you sitting or standing or walking? vii. How did the chair/beach/bench feel as you sat or walked? viii. What were you wearing? ix. Were there any noticeable smells?

b. As you recall your experience, you are replay-ing a mini-movie of success. Give your experi-ence a name, like the title of a movie.

2. What do you hope to accomplish in your conversation? (Keep this in mind throughout.)a. Which line best describes your purpose: i. Give information ii. Share thoughts and feelings iii. Solve a problem iv. Offer support or encouragement v. Strengthen relationship vi. Other

Emotional Grounding WorksheetA Resiliency Toolkit Worksheet Written by Anne Evans-Cazier, LCSW

Practice emotional grounding exercises regular-ly when you are calm so that they become auto-matic and you can use them easily even in the heat of a distressing moment. Take a 20-minute break once anyone in the family feels emotional-ly flooded. During the break, parents and chil-dren alike need to spend the time doing emotional grounding. Please model grounding, even if you think you don’t need it. It is worth the time and will dramatically change the way your family gets along.

7/11 Breathing. While you are breathing and counting, you are relaxing your body and taking a mini-vacation from thinking. No one can think about their trou-bles and count at the same time!

1. Breathe in, and while you breathe in, count to seven in your head (slowly like you are count-ing for hide and seek, but silently in your head so you can also breathe).

2. Pause for a moment when you get to seven.

3. Then slowly breathe out, counting to eleven as you do. (The long out breath sends the mes-sage to your mind and body that you are safe and can relax, like a deep, long sigh when you sit down after a long day).

Come to Your Senses. This technique uses your basic senses to bring you into the present moment.

1. Begin with vision. Look around you. Without making any judgments, such as I like or don’t like, name five things you can see. For example, “I see two red pillows, a clock, three windows, a chair, and a picture on the wall.”

2. Move on to five things you can hear. “I hear the air conditioner, a car, the clock ticking, birds, and the wind in the trees.”

3. Next, touch. “I can feel the pen in my hand, the tag of my shirt, the chair I’m sitting on, my feet in my shoes, and the pillow I’m leaning against.”

4. These three senses can be done anywhere, anytime, without anyone even knowing you are doing them. Depending on where you are, you can also use taste and smell.

5. If you get through all of the senses and still feel distressed, go through them again naming four things, then three, two, and one.

6. If you are still distressed, start over with five and keep going until you feel a sense of calm.

Play some mental games. 1. Try reading backwards. 2. Make lists of your favorite foods/bands/cars. 3. Find pictures of places you would like to visit. 4. Count how many animals you can think of that start with the letter of your choice.

Do something activeDo something active. (But not aggressive, as being aggressive only keeps the stress chemicals going.) 1. Go for a walk. 2. Take a bike ride. 3. Shoot a basketball. 4. Do some yoga stretches.

TTry something soothing. 1. Put a warm washcloth on your face. 2. Splash your hands in cool water. 3. Take a bath. 4. Massage your face and neck. 5. Read a book. 6. Listen to soothing music.

Emotional Grounding Worksheet, pg. 2

Once you are comfortable with your emo-tional grounding exercises, follow a clear plan for managing strong emotions.

1. Recognize when you or your child is feeling under attack.

2. Take a break to let emotions cool and allow rational thought and good verbal skills to come back online.

3. During your break, use emotional grounding techniques.

44. After your grounding break, always go back and have the conversation you were going to have, bringing your best self to the table, as out-lined in Tool #2: Effective Communication. This demonstrates your integrity and commitment and will strengthen your relationship and build family resiliency.

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Setting Successful Goals Worksheet, pg. 2

6. Write out the following script, filling in the first three blanks with the “BUTS” you selected, and the last three blanks with the benefits:Even though __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________;Even though __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________;_____________________________________________________________________________________________;Even though __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________;There is a part of me that wants and believes that I/we can __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________;TThere is a part of me that wants and believes that I/we can __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________;There is a part of me that wants and believes that I/we can __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________.

7. Read your script out loud. When you have finishedWhen you have finished, ask yourself this question, “How am I beginning to feel?” Make note of your answer and how you are beginning to feel in this moment. Pay attention to the intensity of your emo-tions, where you are experiencing sensations in your body, the type and intensity of these sensations, and what they might be trying to tell you.

Now you are ready for action!Pick one goal and get started.

Repeat this process regularly as you work on stretching and reaching towards your goals for change and growth. Fine-tune your script as you make progress or when you run into new or unexpected chal-lenges.

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Setting Successful Goals WorksheetA Resiliency Toolkit Worksheet Written by Anne Evans-Cazier, LCSW

Choose a comfortable place to sit with a hard copy of this worksheet and a pen or pencil, or your laptop or tablet. Take a couple of relaxing breaths and focus on the part of you that wants to grow or change. Think about a big picture change you would like to see.

1. Small goals in the desired direction (Be su(Be sure that these are goals for the person with the dream. Usually that will be you!):

a.b.c.d.e.

22. Benefits. Ask the part of you that wants to make a change, “What would be the benefits of the growth or change I have in mind?” Write down all the bene-fits you can think of, read over your list, and re-write any that are stated as negatives, making sure all benefits are stated in the positive. a.b.c.d.e.

A big picture change I would like to see is:

3. “BUTS.” Move to another place to sit, take a couple more relaxing breaths, and focus on the part of you that says, “Yes, that sounds nice, BUT…” Write down everything that comes to your mind.aa.b.c.d.e.

4. Review your list and include an emotion to go with each of your thoughts. SSearch deep to find and label your emotions. There is always at least one emotion connected with each of these powerful “BUTS.”a.b.c.d.ee.

5. Go back, read over your list of benefits, and pick the three that stand out, that mean the most to you personally. PPut a little check mark by them. Then look over your list of “BUTS,” and pick the three that are the most significant for you right now. Put a little check mark by them.