9/18

by

Ben Patton

Scripped

scripped.com

REVISION 4

August 15, 2012Copyright (c) 2011-2012Ben PattonAll Rights Reserved

NOTE: WHEN NOTED WITH AN ASTERISK*, THE AUDIBLE DIALOG SHIFTS SEAMLESSLY FROM ONE TABLE TO ANOTHER, AND THE ACTORS AT THE OTHER TABLES CONTINUE CHATTING INAUDIBLY.

Scene 1

CURTAIN RISE.

Three separate tables for two, at a restaurant in Manhattan.

A young couple enters, YOUNG MAN and YOUNG WOMAN. THE WAITER greets them.

THE WAITERTable for two?

YOUNG MANThank you.

The waiter seats the couple at the first table, hands them each a menu, and exits.

YOUNG WOMANPlacing her hand upon the young man's hand

This is nice. Just like everything is normal.

YOUNG MANRemoving his hand from beneath hers to adjust his napkin

Yeah. Well. Everyone is supposed to try to go back to normal, right. That's what they keep saying. Did you see Letterman last night?

YOUNG WOMANNo, he did the show?

YOUNG MANYeah, sort of. It was so weird, very quiet and reverent. No jokes. He had Regis on.

YOUNG WOMANWow. Well bless him for going on with life as usual.

YOUNG MANYeah. How are you holding up?

2.

YOUNG WOMANY'know, it's scary. Every day hoping I'll hear that they found Uncle Paul and he's alright. Just the hoping itself is exhausting. I'm stuck in the limbo of not being able to mourn yet and hanging on to this hope that he's okay, and.. y'know. It's exhausting.

YOUNG MANI can imagine. I mean, I can't really imagine, but y'know. I feel for you.

YOUNG WOMANBut thanks for taking me out, today. I need this. I need to go back to my regular life the best I can. Like David Letterman.

She laughs slightly

The young couple go on chatting inaudibly as FIT MAN and MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKE enter. THE WAITER greets them.

THE WAITERTable for two?

The Waiter seats them and hands them a menu.

FIT MANSo. I have to ask.

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEWhat?

FIT MANWhat's with the yarmulke?

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEWhat do mean? I'm a Jewish man.

FIT MANNo shit! But I haven't seen you wearing a yarmulke since... ever. Since your nephew's Bar Mitzvah, I guess.

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEDo you have a problem with me wearing my yarmulke?

FIT MANWhy are you defensive, Sheldon?

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEWearing it gives me comfort. Times like these, all the uncertainty and fear and chaos around us... it gives me comfort.

3.

FIT MANAlright.

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEAlright!

A pause.So. How was it going back to work?

FIT MANCrazy. Half the crew are absent, the audience behaves like they are at a wake, and just a week after our generation's Pearl Harbor I'm up there being a gazelle.

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEWell you're going back to work, that's what we've all got to do. Just try to go back to normal.

FIT MANYou wearing a yarmulke is not going back to normal.

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEYou DO have a problem with me wearing this, don't you?

FIT MANIt's just out of the blue! Since when do you advertise your Jewishness in public?

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEA yarmulke is not an advertisement. And like I said, It comforts me. Do you mind?

FIT MANNo.

The two men go on chatting inaudibly as THE WAITER approaches the young couple.

THE WAITERMay I take your order?

YOUNG MANSure. I'll have the chicken sandwich and a diet coke.

THE WAITERAnd for the lady?

YOUNG WOMANThe lady will have the Ceasar salad and a banana shake.

THE WAITERGreat. May I take these?

The waiter takes their menus and exits.

4.

YOUNG WOMANAre you ok? You seem weird.

YOUNG MANWeird in what way?

YOUNG WOMANWeird nervous.

As the two couples continue to chat inaudibly, HUSBAND and WIFE enter. The waiter greets them.

THE WAITERHello. Table for two?

HUSBANDYes, thank you.

They are seated at the last table, beside the middle aged men, and the waiter hands them menus and exits.

WIFESo are we going to talk about last night?

HUSBANDDidn't we already talk about last night?

WIFEWell, I want to talk about it some more.

HUSBANDGreat.

WIFERobert, we've been trying to have a baby, I'm ovulating. This is our window, what's the problem all of a sudden?

HUSBANDI told you, it just seems like the wrong time.

WIFEWrong how? Wrong for you? Wrong for me? Personally? Career-wise? What?

HUSBANDI don't know. Maybe... Wrong for the kid.

The Waiter enters and begins speaking inaudibly with the middle aged men.

5.

WIFEWhat does that mean, wrong for the kid?

HUSBANDI mean to bring a child into the world at a time like this.

WIFEYou mean the World Trade Center?

HUSBANDY'know, on the news today they said that, as we speak, terrorists could be entering the country from Canada, disguised as-*

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKE-Salmon.

FIT MANAnd I'll have the bacon cheeseburger.

to MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKE,

That okay with you, Leviticus?

He scowls.

THE WAITERGreat. And to drink?

FIT MANWater.

To his friend,Water?

To the Waiter,Two waters.

THE WAITEROkay, thanks.

The Waiter exits.

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEI never pegged you as an anti-semite.

FIT MANI'm not an anti-semite.

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKESo what are you giving me shit for?

FIT MANShel, you're about as Jewish as I am. How long have we been together? And not so much as a dradle in all these years.

6.

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEI'm searching, alright? I'm searching for something. I'm trying to make sense out of the world. I mean, my city is covered in ash, and everywhere I look there are people saying-*

WIFE-I'm ovulating.

HUSBANDI know, I know. But what kind of a future would this kid have? What kind of America will he grow up in? Y'know, this is just the beginning. We could be looking at World War Three. Chemical warfare, nuclear weapons, panic in the streets-*

YOUNG WOMAN-Dentures, wheelchairs, adult diapers. It's no picnic working there.

YOUNG MANYeah. Listen, Lynn. I have to tell you something.

YOUNG WOMANOkay.

YOUNG MANI've been thinking. Lately, I don't feel like I'm contributing much to your life.

YOUNG WOMANYou contribute to my life!

YOUNG MANAnd maybe you also are not contributing to my life so much, anymore. Maybe we just are on different paths or something now. Different from the paths we were on when we met.

The waiter is taking the married couple's order on the other side.

YOUNG WOMANAre you breaking up with me?

YOUNG MANI don't want to hurt you.

YOUNG WOMANYou're breaking up with me now? With my Uncle missing?

YOUNG MANThe President said we should all try to go back to our lives...

7.

YOUNG WOMANThe President said? THE PRESIDENT SAID? Of all the lame, fucked up-*

FIT MANSinging,

-Hakuna Matata...

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEYeah, right. No worries.

FIT MANBut seriously. Is religion really the place to turn at a time like this?

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEIs alcohol?

FIT MANHey, I'm not drinking that much. You're avoiding the question. You turn to religion, now of all times?

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEWhy not? Of course. Something larger than ourselves, something we can hold on to...

FIT MANReligion started all this!

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEThat's over simplifying, don't you think? Some crazy zealots from Afghanistan started all this.

FIT MANAre they really crazier than any other religious people? All these institutions think they have the exclusive VIP pass to eternal paradise. All the ridiculous, mistranslated, government manipulated, obsolete holy texts, with their absurd dogmas and their... Do you think that, if there is a God, he cares whether you've got a skull cap or a rubber chicken on your head? For fuck's sake, look what God just did to lower Manhattan! He either hates us, or is utterly indifferent to us, like we are to the lives of earthworms!

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKECalm down. What's the big deal if I want to go back to my roots in a time of great anxiety?

FIT MANYou don't believe in that stuff, Shel!

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEMaybe I need to believe in it right now.

8.

FIT MANWell, that's cowardice! Embracing ignorance! Blind faith! That's why those bastards flew planes into our buildings! The inability to reason that is the necessity of all organized religion.

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEYou're being reactionary.

FIT MANI think it's about time we all started reacting! I think it's about time we-*

HUSBAND-make love with your diaphragm in. I mean... look. We don't know what this is yet... Maybe we will have to relocate. Maybe we'll need to move. There could be a draft! I'm still young enough to be drafted...

The waiter is serving the younger couple.

WIFEStay on topic, please! You made such a show of telling me you decided you were ready to have a baby! I think you are using terrorism as an excuse not to conceive. You're really just a big-*

THE WAITERPutting the chicken sandwich in front of the young man.

-Chicken.

YOUNG MANThank you.

YOUNG WOMANAs the waiter exits.

Of course I haven't been much fun lately... but this is a crisis. Nobody is fun during a crisis. But you don't just run away. It'll pass.

YOUNG MANIt's not that. I just don't feel like we feel the same way about eachother.

YOUNG WOMANStop trying to make this sound mutual! YOU don't feel the same way about ME!

YOUNG MANOkay, I guess I don't feel the same way about you.

9.

YOUNG WOMANOkay.

YOUNG MANI know this is a bad time. I've been waiting to tell you... but I couldn't wait any--

YOUNG WOMANYou've been waiting to tell me? How long?

YOUNG MANWell, first your Mom had the operation, and then the attacks...

YOUNG WOMANThat long???

YOUNG MANI didn't want to add to your worries...

YOUNG WOMANYou are so full of-*

THE WAITERServing the husband his food,

-Baloney.

HUSBANDThank you.

WIFEThe world is not coming to an end, Bob. I know it may seem that way lately, but it's not. Our child will have a world to grow up in. Maybe a less naive world.

She starts to eat her pasta dish.

This needs salt.To the fit man at the table nextdoor,

Excuse me?

FIT MANI'm sorry?

WIFEPardon me, could I borrow your salt?

FIT MANCertainly.

He hands her the salt.

10.

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEYou're going to blame all the world's religions for the mad violent acts of a few extremists?

FIT MANHow about the Spanish inquisition? Were they a few extremists? A couple of days ago, Bush referred to the war on terror as a crusade! A crusade!

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEWhat do you fall back on, when you're at your lowest? When you're in despair, what do you turn to?

FIT MANYou.

Middle aged man in Yarmulke puts his hand on top of Fit man's hand.

YOUNG WOMANUpset,

I never liked your poetry. I just said that to be nice. And you have a really tiny-*

WIFE-Cucumber.

HUSBANDI'll take it.

Wife hands husband the cucumber garnishing her pasta.

HUSBANDListen, I'm not saying never. I'm just saying, maybe not right now. Having a baby is a huge thing. I still feel... unsteady.

WIFEBut just a week ago you said--

HUSBANDA week ago I felt invulnerable. Now... well, now nobody feels invulnerable.

YOUNG MANYelling for the waiter,

Can I get the check please?

FIT MANI'm sorry, Sheldon.

11.

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKESmiling,

Forget it.

The waiter presents the check to the young couple. He turns and he sees the two men holding hands, and he begins to cry. He slowly sinks to his knees, his sobs getting louder and louder, his head in his hands.

The young man and young woman notice first and each stand and put a hand on his shoulder.

Then the middle aged man and fit man rise and crouch on either side of the waiter, touching his arms sympathetically.

Finally, the husband gets up and puts a hand on the waiter's knee, and the wife upon his head.

A moment passes, and the waiter's sobs grow quieter and stop.

THE WAITERThank you.

The waiter rises, and nods to each of them, touching them on the shoulder.

Thank you.

The waiter walks up stage left, facing the audience, composing himself. The diners look at each other and nod knowingly, returning to their seats.

WIFEAfter a long pause,

Gosh, the poor guy. I wonder what... I wonder who...

HUSBANDYeah.

He takes his wife's hand.I love you, Honey.

WIFE...We can wait a while, Bob. I'm sorry.

12.

FIT MANYou do you're thing, Shel. Whatever works. If you want to be Tevye, I'll be Golde.

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKELaughing,

Shut up.

YOUNG MANI really hope they find your Uncle.

YOUNG WOMANMe too.

Placing her hand on his hand,...Good luck.

YOUNG MANI'm sorry it happened like this.

YOUNG WOMANWell, what are you going to do? I guess there's no such thing as going back to normal. Things change too fast. There never was any normal. There are just days. One-*

WIFEDay*

FIT MANAfter*

YOUNG WOMANAnother*

HUSBANDAfter*

MIDDLE AGED MAN IN YARMULKEAnother.*

THE WAITERAfter another.

The three tables go on chatting inaudibly as the WAITER pulls himself together, and goes to refill the married couple's water glasses.

LIGHTS DOWN.

CURTAIN.