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9 PM:

My roommate and I were discussing animal torture, after I showed her a video of a camel being slaughtered... i said that the way it died moved me, that its expression and

vocalizations had been lie the evocation of pure terror...when the camel died it started

 banging its head against the ground lie a hammer. my roommate said she didn!t wanteep watching, she could barely watch. i ased her why, i told it was "ust an animal and

 plus it was already dead. and i told her i truly thought death was no great thing, but that it

was important to see whenever possible, because it is something that is very very real. myroommate, who is a dominatrix, looed at me and maybe she didn!t say anything but

maybe she said, people i can watch, but i can!t watch animals.

#$: PM

I got up from the couch, my body wilted, I had an itch in my throat, I felt lie I wanted to

sing but i could barely move my tiny finger. I went to go shout but I could only s%uirm.

the thought of the itching in the bac of my throat raced around my head lie anunchained animal. otherwise i was feeling o, but i couldn!t escape this feeling... which

was lie a feeling of deadness but also of fear, lie I was afraid of something that I was#$$& sure was going to happen... dead fear, i thin this is called dread. it is a feeling that

after a long time of feeling it, it becomes normal and almost seems lie it!s your spiritual

mission. so its not really that bad, in fact I hate to thin of where I!d be without it. but itcan be uncomfortable, or unsettling, or overwhelming... so i had turn up the music. we

were listening to some raw urban type music which was maing us feel very

interconnected with the environment. which was a good feeling. i turned it up even

louder, the speaers became more engorged, i was vibrating with the sensation of themusic, and i hoped that... well, you can only fight sensation with more of it.

#$:'$ PM

my roommate started telling story. it was about a sexual experience that she had had the

night before. there was very long bac(story where she had been at a party, and therewere numerous characters there that i!d never heard of... some of these people were her

friends, some were potential suitors, some were assholes. and all these characters had

their own stories, which i new only fractionally and these subplots were being

introduced and then abrpuply discarded. my attention was wavering, i was distracted bythe cat, which i could see in the corner of the room. i ept on thining about this cat,

which to me was a very sad animal. i could scarcely imagine such a life. this cat was

desperate for affection but afraid of anyone who even went near her. in every sight of theworld she saw potential enemies, but they were more lie undefinable phantoms thriving

in the recesses of her consciousness. sometimes they wuld emerge without warning. you

could be holding this nervous body in your hands and then it would lash out at you for noreason, with a deep hiss that came from the belly. so i was watching this animal, which

was watching me from the distance, and i could see in her eyes that she could do it would

ill me, i could see that my roommate was wrong, that animals are "ust as guilty or

innocent as us humans. and then my roommate was taling she was saying i met this

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other guy and we started taling and he ased me if it would be o if he could sleep over,

 because he was really tired and he had to wae up really early. and since he wored in

williamsburg but lived in harlem, and the party was in bed(sty but we lived in bushwic,it would "ust mae sense for him to sleep over... unless that wasn!t cool for some reason)

my roommate said i would if i could but i don!t have an extra bed and he said, is that

really going to be a problem) so they ended up bac in her room and she was still notreally into it.