65.07

JOE BRYANTEditor-in-Chief

RACHEL RUFRANOManaging Editor

CLAY COOPERManaging Editor

I’ve never been that big into sports. When I was in AYSO I would run around and maybe pass the ball

once, but as soon as the action left our goal I’d sit down and start picking at the grass. In high school I joined the wres-tling team because I didn’t want to take PE and all of my friends were planning on joining. I’m sure Coach Torres didn’t appreciate the influx of acne-plagued Dungeons & Dragons nerds onto his state-ranked team. As you can imagine, we were all pretty terrible.

Our first tournament after win-ter break of my sophomore year I had gained just enough weight to bump me up to heavyweight. After hitting the gym hard and going on a diet (read: starving myself), I ended up losing the weight, but not in time to change my weight class. I had to wrestle a 250 pound girl. She’s the only person I ever pinned.

Playing sports is not my strong suit. Watching them, however, is. I love baseball and basketball, and if push comes to brew, I’m more than happy to sit down with some pals and watch football. I am easily one of the least physically capable people I know. Which is why I’m impressed by any

athlete—professional or not.This is how out of touch I am with

sports: I was pretty sure that roller derby was a fake sport made up for James Caan, but that was Rollerball. Totally different (speaking of which, check out page 7).

No, this shit is real. So real, in fact, that Long Beach has its very own roller derby team. You can learn all about these ladies on page 10. Now, let’s see what we’ve got in the mailbag this week.

Not sure if you’re the gentlemen that I should direct this e-mail at, but Matt Dupree’s rebuttal to Rachel Rufrano’s pre-vious installment of “Dancing About Ar-chitecture” hit the nail on the head. After reading her take on punk rock, I too had my problems with her article. I was about to send something, but before I could even approach the keyboard I came to a star-tling realization: I can’t write for shit.

So, a thank you to Matt Dupree, who echoed my own opinions about a little genre that is very near and dear to my heart.

Oh, and I heard you guys had an is-sue about gays or something? That was pretty cool too.

Sincerely,Daniel Speer

Matt is now a fan of you. Genre quibbling aside, I think everyone can agree that Rachel and Matt are very

talented writers. Personally, I envy the both of them.

Hey Joe-Long time reader first time writer.

Dude your writing totally rocks but as THE reigning Editor-in-chief, i believe that you need a cool nickname, not something stupid like “Beef ”. I noticed your last name is Bryant, but you dont look like you can pull off a Kobe. But Bryant did remind me of that weather-man on CBS Brian/Bryant Gumble. So i now crown thee editor-in-chief, once this email is sent, you will now be known to the world as Joe “Gumble” Bryant.

-Kenneth Wung

Thanks for the kind words, but I think I have to defend Mike “Beef” Pal-lotta, who was EiC before me. Beef was a fantastic editor and has an equally fantas-tic nickname. If you’ve ever met the guy, you’d agree. Oh, and that dude’s name is Bryant Gumbel, but I’m impressed that you didn’t look his name up on Google. I’m neurotic about that shit. FUN FACT: In 5th grade my name was listed as “Jobe Bryant” in my class picture. No joke.

ISSUE 65.07

Ask Away!Who better to get advice from/complain to than some guy you don’t know? Send all emails to: [email protected]

LETTERS TO AND FROM THE EDITOR

JOE VERSUSA SINGLE PUSH-UP

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

SIMONE HARRISON Opinions Editor

KEVIN O’BRIEN News Director

ANDY KNEIS Sports Editor

CAITLIN CUTT Literature Editor & PR

JAMES KISLINGBURY Entertainment Editor & PR

RACHEL RUFRANO Music Editor & PR

CHRIS FABELA Creative Arts Editor

VICTOR CAMBA Comics Editor

KATHY MIRANDA Culture Editor

SOPHISTICATED BEAR Grunion Editor

CLAY COOPERArt Director

CLAY COOPERCover

MIKE PALLOTTAOn-Campus Distribution

KATHY MIRANDAWeb Editor

CAITLIN CUTTAdvertising Executive

Contributors:

MIKE PALLOTTA, MATT DUPREE, SEAN BOULGER, JASON OPPLIGER, ERIN HICKEY, MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN, ALEXANDRA SCIARRA, CHELSEA ROSENTHAL, CHRISTINE NOH, BRIAN NEWHARD, ANDREW TURNER, CHELSEA STEVENS, DAVID FAULK, MAY ZIMMERMAN, JOHN YANG, SAMANTHA COLWELL, ELISE McCUTCHEN, MONA KOZLOWSKI, STEVEN GARCIA, MAXIMILLIAN PIRAS, ALLAN STEINER, KELVIN HO, BRYAN WALTON, JASON LEE, JAMIE KARSON, STEVEN GARCIA, MICHAEL VEREMANS, AMANDA KHO, FOLASHADE ALFORD, AARON KOSAKA, ALLISON COLTON, ELISA TANAKA

Disclaimer and Publication InformationThe Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not neces-sarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.

All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and infor-mation attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.

The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are avail-able in the Associated Students business office.

Questions? Comments?MAIL : 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867 FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : [email protected] WEB : lbunion.com

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JOBE “GUMBEL” BRYANT

“All I ask is that you keep up with me. If you can’t, then that strange sensation you’ll be feeling in the seat of your pants will be my boot in your ass!”-The dude from Hoosiers, Crimson Tide

UNION WEEKLY 12 OCTOBER 2009

YOU GUYS

LADIES

I wish I was actually alone instead of feeling alone

Live your life while having a smile on your face

Live your life while you still have something to live for

Why does love hurt sooo much?

Because you’re doing it in the butt

FELLAS

I [heart symbol] JOE BRYANT

PUT THIS IN THE UNION WEEKLY

When life gives u lemons, just say fuck the lemons and bail

I HAVE YET TO SEE THE PUR-POSE OF THIS

Liberalism is a mental disorder

I was raised to believe that the op-tions for my future were fairly lim-itless. I mean, what kind of kid only

responds with one profession when you ask them what they want to be when they grow up? I wanted to be a science teacher, soccer player, poet, profes-sional musician, journalist for a major newspaper, and film score composer—and not just one of these, but all of them at the same time.

Many of us are not able to complete-ly narrow down these interests, even when we reach college. Personally, I was set on finishing my GEs early so I could double major in English and Jazz Stud-ies. I figured three and a half years would be plenty of time to work on my major classes, even if I had two of them. This was until, following further investiga-tion of my plan, I found the school had been trying to avoid advertising a small detail regarding our education that went along with this whole budget cut thing.

The amount of credits we are able to take, as of next year, will be limited. While this may seem pretty trivial at the moment as they have yet to come up with the limit number, the truth is it’s substantial enough to effect many of our plans for what we wanted to do with our college experiences—more specifically, eliminating the dual major program, effective Fall 2010.

Students interested in multiple ma-jors will most likely be denied and will certainly be denied if one of those ma-jors has a high unit requirement. The limit will speculatively be under 170 total units—more than enough for one major, but not enough for two. This fact was only lightly touched upon in a freshman advisory workshop I attended. So lightly mentioned, in fact, I’m pretty sure most of the freshmen in the room didn’t realize what they were being told.

So what will it mean for our future? A lot of things, directly and indirectly. Personally, it seems some of us are be-ing punished for having multiple in-terests. It also means those of us who wanted to experiment with different subjects before choosing our life-long

careers won’t be able to do that as effec-tively, if at all. As effective Fall 2009, we also can only drop 18 units of classes if we do poorly in them, so we won’t know the material as well either. While the man in the white house is calling us all up to dig our forefathers’ asses out of this giant hole they’ve gotten us into, we’ll be doing it with careers we aren’t sure of and haven’t been well enough prepared for. We’re being catapulted into an unavoidable catch-22 and most of us don’t even know it’s happening. In essence, just one more thing we can blame on the budget cuts. Dear lord, make it stop.


Graduation begins Thursday. At the lat-est. Seriously, if you are planning on graduating this spring, you need to talk to an advisor and go apply at Brotman by this Thursday, Octo-ber 15th. For more details: http://www.csulb.edu/depts/enrollment/graduation/bachelor.html#hodoifile

When you google State of the Beach, csulb.edu comes up fourth. Damn the surfrider foun-dation. Damn them to hell.

So we don’t have enough money to keep the campus open on Friday, but our ASI fee is sep-erate from state funds. The good news is this means that the USU is open on furlough days because you’re still paying for it. Keep it in mind if you’re looking for a place to study.

The Student Health Center has been giving out flu shots for $10 a pop, which is pretty great seeing as how if you actually get the flu or the cold, they probably won’t help. However, H1N1 vaccinations are on the way. So that’s cool.

Free. . . because we love free. This Friday, Octo-ber 16th, Rob Frear and the University Brass En-semble at the Bob Cole Conservatory at 8pm.

Speaking of great music, The Los Angeles Chamber Orchestra has a college pass for $25, which includes admission to every one of their concerts.

Our school library has this nice little feature where they keep a list of the New York Times Bestsellers List and then have those books avail-able for checkout. It’s right next to the express computers, before the Starbucks.

Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize. Which makes Obama’s timeline: Winning the hearts of Chicago, America, The Nobel Committee, and Time and Space as we know it.

If you’re looking to get your Halloween on, you can head on down to the Queen Mary for some scary shit. But like all things at the Queen Mary, it is out the ass expensive. $29 per person.

Rugby and Golf are going to be part of the 2016 Olympic games, which isn’t too shocking, considering they were in the Olympic games in the past—in 1904 and 1924 respectively. At the very least, we have Tiger Woods. Score!

JOHN YANG

STATE OFTHE BEACH

YOUR WEEKLY CAMPUSNEWS IN BRIEF

NEWS

CHELSEA STEVENS

MO’ MAJORS, MO’ PROBLEMSIllustration AMANDA KHO

In a landmark decision on Thursday October 1, Dallas state District Judge Tena Callahan ruled that a gay couple could get divorced, despite Texas’ ban on gay marriage. Texas Attorney Gen-eral Greg Abbott had attempted to halt the two men’s divorce case, contending that Texas courts were unable to termi-nate a same-sex marriage because gay marriage is not recognized in the state. In her ruling, Callahan stated that the state’s prohibition violates the right to equal protection under the law and is therefore unconstitutional.

In 2005, an amendment to the Texas constitution banning same-sex mar-riage was passed by the voters, and a law known as the Family Code was passed

by the Texas state legislature. The Fam-ily Code disallows the recognition of any same-sex marriage or civil union and de-nies all legal protections or benefits from said unions. Abbott announced he would appeal Callahan’s decision, stating, “To-day’s ruling purports to strike down that constitutional definition—despite the fact that it was recently adopted by %75 of Texas voters.” Abbott’s opposition to the divorce seems somewhat perplexing; common logic would dictate one fewer same-sex marriage would be a victory for conservatives and that the divorce might provide some sort of misguided proof that homosexual partnerships cannot last.

The man filing for divorce, iden-tified only as J.B., listed “discord or

conflict of personalities” as the reason for the suit. J.B.’s lawyer, Peter Schulte, fought the state’s injunction on the case, arguing the state tried to “mislead this court in an effort to pursue the attorney general’s own political agenda.” After Callahan’s surprise decision, Schulte said the divorce order should be com-pleted within the next few weeks.

When the divorce is finalized, it will be the first time a gay couple has been divorced in a state that bans gay mar-riage. The previous legal precedents have barred same-sex divorce; last month, an Indiana judge rejected the divorce of a lesbian couple, and two years ago, the Rhode Island Supreme Court refused to divorce another lesbian couple.

TEXAS BETTA’ RECOGNIZE (GAY MARRIAGE)GAYS FORCED TO FIGHT FOR DIVORCE TOO

BRIAN NEWHARD

HOW CSULB IS MAKING IT EVEN HARDER TO DOUBLE MAJOR

OPINIONS


For months now all I’ve heard about is the ominous, encroaching doom of the ill-fated 2012. The literature about our species’ inevitable demise lines the aisles of Barnes and Noble like heretical red flags. Mini-series, supernatural sites, even a movie starring the previously adored John Cusack, all claim that the end of humanity will come in three years.

Now, don’t get me wrong, but you’re all fucking nut jobs. The Mayans were smart bastards, but raise your hand if any one of you can decode the obscure and esoteric patterns on their ancient round Blackberry. That’s what I thought. Just because you googled 2012 and watched a clip on the History channel doesn’t make you an expert. It also doesn’t mean that a solar phenomena will equate to world destruction.

We are all whores for mass hysteria. The media promotes fear, targeting those of us who think with one giant goldfish brain. I bet

it took you three seconds to forget the Y2K frenzy only to move on to giant black holes and the tick-tock of the exploding sun. The epidemic of fear has ushered us into an age of finger-pointing at random natural events. Suddenly everything has become a sign of catastrophic tragedy predicted by the prophets: earthquakes, tsunamis, terrorist attacks. The age old adage that “shit happens” no longer applies. Now it’s “shit happens because the wise Mayans said so.” Finding meaning in meaningless disasters is the new trend. Prophets like Nostradamus and the Sybil along with bible-toting crazies have been predicting the end of the world for centuries with no results, so what the hell’s

new? If by some slim chance the world does come to an

end on 2012, why are you worried? Nothing can save you anyway. We all know hiding under a desk can protect us from nuclear

bombs, that’s common knowledge, but what can protect us from the universe?

The new theory being twittered

around is that the Mayans didn’t

predict the end of the world, but

instead a new beginning for an elevated level of

thought. Instantly, all of our brains will expand in knowledge

and understanding, giving us the ability to form a perfect society. I’d rather take the world destruction, thank you.

Here’s my prediction for our eventual collapse. It won’t come from some cataclysmic restructuring of the world or from the intellectual left-overs of a dead culture. It’ll be from our own precious stupidity. We’ll overpopulate, pollute, and bake the world in a giant dutch oven. Then blow ourselves to pieces. Hit me up if my prophecy ends up on the History channel in 20 years, I’d like to Tivo that shit.

For now I’ll bide my time until the second coming by creating my own doomsday clock—an advent calendar. Everyday that we grow closer to ultimate destruction, I get a yummy chocolate candy and a pop-top snapple fact about the naïveté of our self-defeating society.

IMPENDING DOOM IS IMPENDING UPON USTHE CONSPIRACIES SURROUNDING 2012 ARE NEITHER COOL NOR FANTASTIC

Illustration BRYAN WALTON

Illustration AMANDA KHO

In the wake of these harsh economic times, we find a variety of responses on how to end a recession, although little

to none of these will beget any success. The economy will remain in the shitter until someone gets the damn plumber. Well friends, I have a new proposition. A two word chant, like a little prayer you can keep at heart when in times of turmoil. If anyone is familiar with Pilgrim’s Way (or Memory Hold-The-Door outside of the US) by John Buchan, it can serve as a substitution for the Jesus prayer that is meant to be chanted incessantly under every breathe. This chant my friend, goes something like this... “fuck it.” By reciting this little gem in the face of any discouraging events, the recession for example, you can easily overcome by employing carelessness and ignorance.

Thanks to this I have grown content with the economy, and even become a self proclaimed Pro-Recessionist. It’s a given that the recession has locked away any notion of financial security right next to mama’s gold in the safe that may stay shut for quite some time. But as far as I’m concerned, that’s exactly where I wanna keep my financial concerns: locked away for however long its sentence deems necessary for reform. So why, might you ask, am I whole heartedly in favor of La Recesion and chanting out “FOUR MORE

YEARS!” at every conference it is mentioned? Well, its not that I’m praising this gentle offspring of an affair between Uncle Sam and his math impaired sexy accountant because I want America to fail. Quite the contrary to be exact. The amount of avarice in this nation can be a bit of a downer, or perhaps more of a complete fucking tragedy. It seems that behind every action the motive can be traced back to the almighty dollar. Every newborn yank is taught to hump the American dream for all its worth. If America had a theme song it would be off 50 Cent’s Get Rich or Die Trying album (not off Young Jeezy’s The Recession, because anyone who makes an album on how bad the economy is, but continuously states that they are somehow still “ballin”, can go fuck themselves). This little recession is a very large obstacle in the way of said dream. A big black box-shaped monolith even, similar to the one in Kubrick’s 2001 that I hope will again serve as some kind of provoker of epiphany to advance the human race even further. Perhaps this time we will all learn to exist for something more than a paycheck.

This is where my Pro-Recession movement comes in, me and my cohorts have decided to take back the day in the name of fun. The natural tendency of any American’s thought process usually follows the idea that if you ain’t making money then

you ain’t doin’ shit. Yet now with the economy in a most unmerciful position, the majority of people cannot make money. If most people can’t make money and we have an excuse to play it off, then my friend we are in business. The business of having fun! What is the point of working when you’re just gonna get laid off anyways? What is the point when your work days will be furloughed? We have an opportunity here to forget work and just say “fuck it.” We’ve created an underground society celebrating Pro-Recessionism, but we have to keep it low-key because the government would be forced to silence our Anti-Stimulus Package propaganda.

Now all of you big spenders with debt on your hands, I can see how you could have a conflicting point-of-view than that of me and my frugal friends. If you love money but are not one of the lucky few to still have bills when the stocks are in the danger zone, fear not! If abusing substances and playing mediocre music doesn’t let you forget that you are broke, then I have another plan of action for you. It’s something known as HTYCU... it stands for “Hustle ‘Till You Come Up.” You can join the ranks of today’s tricksters and find a way to pry open unsuspecting consumer’s wallets. The politicians do it, they tell us the economy will be fine by tomorrow to encourage us to

start spending again. The food vendors do it, they employ the “recession special” and give us a dollar off our meal to stop all of our troubles. These are the working men and women of America in recession. Put a smile on your face and a gun in your hand, and you can be the next Gates, Trump, Buffet, or Lao! Now go get ‘em tiger!

VIVA LA REcESIóN! MAXIMILLIAN PIRAS

HOW TO EMBRACE AMERICA’S ECONOMIC DOWNFALL AND PARTY

SAMANTHA COLWELL


Hey, you got a job? Are they hiring? Know anyone who is? Well… let me know if any-thing comes up. It seems like just a few years ago, picking up a job was easy on campus and off campus—graduation: pull a career out of the hat. The employment tree was in full bloom but now large and small employers alike are scaling back hours and personnel. Many of my friends and relatives are finding it difficult, no, impossible to find a suitable job after losing their last one. It seems like all of the normal avenues for finding a job are turning up dry, leading many of us to desper-ate ends on the road to employment.

If you’ve launched any sort of prelimi-nary job search, you know that craiglist has the best opportunities. Whether you want to be a nude roller-skate server, a model for an “art” shoot, or just a live-in bang-maid,

craiglist has careers to fit your life goals. It provides the people who would otherwise have trouble finding someone to “work” for them the opportunity to meet the desper-ate youth job pool that could bring all their employment fantasies to reality. Chances are, though, these jobs are either complete-ly illegitimate or have uncomfortable con-straints for a fraction of fair wages.

The unemployment rate—those cur-rently not working but seeking work—in the United States, as of September, is 9.8%—that’s about 15.1 million adult Americans who are out of work, easily exceeding the 13 million jobless during the Great Depression. On top of that there are millions more not paying income tax—undocumented resi-dents, the chronically underemployed, the illegitimately employed, and those not seek-

ing employment for whatever reason. Exorbitant joblessness is a dangerous

institution for the working class as a whole. The United States relies on a system of cy-clical unemployment in which a section of the workforce remains unemployed and im-poverished in order to drive down the wages of those working. In the past, examples of high unemployment have even been used to fuel anti-immigrant discrimination, but we know now that unemployment is a perma-nent fixture of our capitalist economy.

To curb this phenomenon, underground trades have risen—the black market essen-tially, which deals primarily (or most in-nocuously) in product bootlegs and drugs. Students who once worked minimum wage service jobs have been consolidated, their hours going to the staffer scraping by to sup-

port two kids, and they are turning to the social business of discrete substance distri-bution. In fact, the increase in street traffic in marijuana during the recession has been a driving force in its growing social accep-tance and legalization movements.

The jobless are not sitting still, waiting for the next round of exploitation—what we see is more hustling, art everywhere, and people in the streets, enjoying the infrastructure their hard work paid for. This is an oppor-tunity to create revolutionary opportunities and escape the whims of the richest people and companies that challenge our survival. It is a depressing time, economically and emotionally, and there are no public works projects in sight so let’s go independent, start our own works, employ ourselves.

WILL WORK FOR ANYTHINGMICHAEL VEREMANS

RISING UNEMPLOYMENT FORCES A SPIKE IN BLACK MARKET ACTIVITY

OPINIONS

ANDREW TURNER

49ERS BEAT LOYOLA MARYMOUNT 3-2BY BEAT I MEAN THEY HIT THEM REPEATEDLY WITH ICY STICKS

Photos MAY ZIMMERMAN


SPORTS

L ong Beach State hockey opened the sea-son on Friday night with a 5-3 victory over the visiting Loyola Marymount

Lions. The team rode the momentum gained from the energized crowd at Glacial Gardens Arena to their commanding win. Students came out in numbers as the 49ers’ call for an opening night “Blackout” was answered with the stands full of fans. Some even bared the message, “GO CSULB,” on their painted chests.

Long Beach jumped out to an early two goal lead. Matthew Kresky opened the scor-ing by putting home a rebound off a Joe Nal-ley slap shot. Bradley Roberts extended the lead when he received a pass from George Laboda, skated around LMU goaltender Collin O’Malley, and scored on a backhand-

er from the top of the crease.The 49ers would have run away with the

game if they hadn’t been penalized early and often. “We need to stay disciplined and back away from the scrums in front of the net,” said 49ers coach Joe Sheehy of his team’s inabil-ity to stay out of the penalty box. The Lions scored three power play goals to keep them-selves in the game. LMU’s first goal came late in the first period on a slap shot by Bobby Ar-nold from the top of the left faceoff circle, cut-ting a 2-0 Long Beach lead in half. The Lions erased the early deficit with a second power play goal four minutes into the second peri-od. Michael Indigaro wristed a shot past Long Beach goalie Alex Miklovic to knot the game up at 2-2. The Lions’ final goal came on their

second two-man advantage of the game.Aside from letting the Lions back into

the game with multiple power play opportu-nities, Long Beach State controlled the play in the 5-on-5 situations. The 49ers demon-strated their dominance in equal man power situations when Kevin Young hammered an outlet pass to Chris Chan. Chan skated in all alone on O’Malley and hoisted a wrist shot up and under the bar to give Long Beach the lead again at 3-2. They would stay in front from that point on. The 49ers also did a good job of capitalizing on their power play chances. “We’re always working on the power play in practice and becoming smoother moving the puck,” said Sheehy in regards to his team’s success with the man advantage. The 49ers

swarmed the net on the power play. Kresky and Young potted rebound goals for the team with the man advantage.

In his first collegiate game, Matt Kresky stood out with two goals. His line-mates, Joe Nalley and Sean Hoang, recorded the assists on both of his goals. “We need to keep our passes on each other’s sticks, continue to work hard everyday, and we’ll be successful,” said Kresky of his line’s chemistry. “Joe and Sean put me in a position to be in the right place at the right time.”

The 49ers are now 1-0 to start the year. Fans, all 49er home games are played at the Glacial Gardens Arena. Come out and support your hockey team as they continue to fight for every point.

My cinematic journey began at Blockbuster, not too long ago. I went there to rent the classic 1975 B-

movie Rollerball. Later that night I would venture to the theater to watch the comedy Whip It!, and I real-ized something, there’s far more similarities in these movies than roll-er skates and throwing elbows. If I understand my Joseph Campbell correctly—and I think I do—the heroic jour-neys of these two films are worthy of being run up against each other.

Rollerball, a dysto-pian film set in the fu-ture features a familiar face, James Caan as Jonathan E. the ruthless champion of the blood sport “Rollerball” for ten years running. For some reason in this world people long ago decided to forgo freedom for comfort, leaving all the power to the executives of corporations. At the heart of it all lies the game of Rollerball, an aggressive game that has replaced all other competitions, including warfare. Bar-

tholomew, one of the executives notes that the purpose of the game is to showcase the futility of individual effort.

The premise of the game is to beat the shit out of people and score points! Ba-sically it’s hockey on wheels with spikes. The only problem is Jonathan becom-ing the most famous and respected Rollerballer of all time interferes with Bartholmew’s vision of the game. Ulti-mately, this results in a final showdown between Jonathan’s skills and the will of the corporation that owns him.

In Drew Barrymore’s directorial debut Whip It!, Ellen Page stars as an awkward teenage girl, Bliss searching to find herself in Bodeen Texas. Bliss is lost among the pageants her mother forces her into and remains in her shell for the time being, not unlike the dystopian ath-lete Jonathan, who would like nothing more than to discard his rough exterior

and relate to others. When she comes across a roller derby flyer she decides to go check out the game and feels ex-hilarated in a world where she actually fits in. Of course this can’t last forever, but the sheer determination Bliss has should get her through. This film will leave you feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Basically, what I’m getting at is that it’s almost exactly the same movie as Rollerball.

Clearly you can see the relationship here. Both films also share a motif regardinging its characters’ aggres-

sion. Both characters struggle with how to deal with this, Bliss seeks an outlet for hers and Jonathan has to reel his in. Another thing that’s so simple is both characters serve as Christ figures. Be-fore you get all indig-nant on me, I’m pretty sure Jesus had to beat the shit out of people to get his point across. Look up Jesus and the money changers at the Temple Mount. I can wait. Anyways, you can basically do this kind

of comparison with movies if you’re determined enough or use Joseph Campbell or Carl Jung vaguely enough. Star Wars and Hidden Fortress are the same movie. Or Ghost-busters and Ghostbusters II. Or any movie with Morgan Freeman in it and any other movie with Morgan Freeman in it. Then use the word “Animus.” See how easy that was? Or you can just make shit up. Either way: Enjoy.

FOLASHADE ALFORD


ENTERTAINMENT

It’s difficult to review something when it leaves you as speechless as Festen. Directed by Joanne Gordon and written by David El-dridge, Festen is a piece of theatre based on both the 1998 Danish film of the same name (also known as The Celebration) as well as the play by Thomas Vinterberg, Mogens Rukov and Bo Hr. Hansen. The show also marks the start of Cal Rep’s 20th season and a move to their new home aboard the Queen Mary.

There honestly isn’t much that I can say about this show that will do it justice. Festen is

quite possibly the most successful piece of theatre I have ever seen. Never have I been

so touched or so engaged by a show; never have I felt so connected to a cast of characters. The combination of director, cast, and script here is on par with anything on Broadway, only without all the frills. I left the theatre moved, shocked, and inspired. Cal Rep has never been a company to shy away from diffi-cult theatre nor have they ever been known to hold back. In this respect, Festen is no excep-tion. Able to be raw without being gritty, Fes-ten feels like the younger, edgier (and frankly, more interesting) stepson of Tennessee Wil-

liam’s classic Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. The rea-son for Festen’s success may be how incred-ibly human it is. There is no stretch needed in order to believe what is presented on the stage, which makes the entire experience that much more engaging. The commitment to realism is undeniable on the part of the entire cast, especially David Vegh, whose portrayal of the character Christian is one of the most engaging this writer has ever seen.

Festen roots itself in some extremely heavy themes including suicide, molesta-tion, racism, and child abuse. Themes that are often present in the theatre, but rarely as successfully as they are in Festen. The key to this success is understatement. Fes-ten never preaches to its audience, nor does

it ever wait for a reaction. Instead it moves forward like a freight train, never stopping to look back until after the damage is done. I am usually not one to cry during a perfor-mance, but Festen moved me to tears and left me speechless. Festen is about watching a family’s dark secrets exposed over the course of an evening until any semblance of order has dissolved into total chaos. With these is-sues out in the open, both the cast and the audience is forced to resolve them, but not always for the better.

Festen only has five shows left, and I urge you to cancel any plans you may have so that you may see it. Beg, buy, borrow, or steal a ticket if you have to, but go. Festen is not only impressive theatre, it is important theatre.

ALLAN STEINER

FESTENMELODRAMA AND INCEST FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY

SKATES + FISTS = MAGICHOW ROLLERBALL AND WHIP IT! ARE BASICALLY THE EXACT SAME FILM. BASICALLY.

MUSIC

I've begun this article with the intention of easing frustration. That frustration being that I all too often find myself in conversations wherein someone believes their opinion on music is “right,” without supporting their opinion with anything other than personal preference. And I think that approach, altogether, is “wrong.”

When we try to understand the meaning of a song, where do we start? We can listen to it and understand it on the surface—the chord structure, the melody, the lyrics. We can try and listen to it in historical context—what was happening economically and socially when the song was written. We can even try to determine the audience for whom it was intended. One might assume that delving this deep into a song would ruin it and strip it of its beauty, but one would be very wrong. I never liked one all that much, anyway. Because I could go even deeper and start to consider its artistic value—is the artist doing something that's been done a million times before, or do they vary old traditions and create something innovative and new? I know the average music listener doesn't do this and even I can't do it all the time, but music does such a phenomenal job of documenting history, I don't know why we don't do it more often. It's not like reading a history book or taking notes on a lecture. When I close my eyes and listen to “A Change is Gonna Come” as performed by Sam Cooke, I can feel the struggle for equality in the 1960s; I can empathize in a way that the history books won't allow. I know this because a song like that can move me to tears and send goosebumps up to my scalp. It's a history lesson with soul.

The great ones, the artists who have made a fundamental contribution to music, can do this, I believe. And they can do it with just one song. And that's why I believe there is a difference between “good music” and “bad music,” or even that there is such a thing. Music is an old art form, unlike film or photography, wherein there is a set of aesthetic guidelines we can use to put music into perspective. This may sound like a rigid and structured way to listen to music, but I really don't think so. The wonderful advantage this gives us is the ability to talk about music as an art form. It isn't a hobby or a quirk—it's important; it's our history and other people's history. That's why I can listen to Mika's new album and not feel ashamed, because I realize I'm enjoying it on a purely superficial level. And that's why I'm so analytically critical of new music. Because, with such a strong musical foundation, I'm surprised I haven't heard more songs like “All My Friends” by LCD Soundsystem or “Neighborhood #2 (Laika)” by The Arcade Fire. Sure, my opinion is subjective and can differ from yours, but I think that has more to do with a differing understanding of society and history; a differing understanding of what is important to the aesthetic criterion of music—not whether one of us is “right” or “wrong.”


She’s a shuffler. I can tell, almost immediately: but I give her the benefit of the doubt. Handle my

iPod. Okay. But keep in mind she turns off “The Sidewinder,” Lee Morgan’s gargantuan jazz opus of a middle finger to all the pasty beret post-jazz honkies still sucking Miles Davis’ seven inch genius. Dripping with riffs that slide down off the top like cheetah hybrids of Fred Astaire and Apolo Anton Ohno: especially on the title track. Usaine Bolt crossbred with a Baryshnikov ‘Pas de Chat.’ Because “Sidewinder” is es-sentially just really, really classy trum-pet porn. She turns that off.

“No to the Jazz, huh?” Me.“It’s just too frantic,” she says.Okay. Actually, I can understand

that here. Heroin addicts tend to make fairly taught and skittish music. It’s definitely not a Vetiver or early My Morning Jacket or Nick Drake.

So she spins and clicks. “2+2=5 (The Lukewarm).” Al-

right. Radiohead here is a Vichy choice. Like median markers. But, a great song. The prologue into the track, stretching then to that messy caustic chorus that pulls Thom up to the ceiling and keeps him and us spinning then stretching and growing until it just falls off into nothing. A great album-opening song. Basically a high-speed ski lift that launches us into this thing from zero, from a guitar plugging in, and it integrates into the larger context as a distinct load-bearing wall of the sonic struc-ture. With the heavy-petting of track

one, I’m primed for the whole of Hail To The Thief. I’m waiting to hear that ramping first track, crash-land into a messy boiling garbage pit of Blade Running dystopia, that then explod-ing with purples and whites into a wormhole roaring through to some electronic laser alternate universe. Where there are, apparently, a lot of rain drops. But that doesn’t happen.

It takes me a moment to fully re-alize that John Lennon is not Thom Yorke. Well. That might be arguable. But Plastic Ono Band is not what I expected, and the way the kick on “Remember” blows out on tape sounds like something Radiohead might try. But “Remember” is only allowed about a minute. I think she says “I get it.” And clicks. Walked out of the theatre before house lights even went down. Walked out on John Lennon and missed the show because that song is a lot about waiting; about being lulled into that crisp cosseted ghetto of quarter notes and back-beats, everything on top of the beat, and all that stiffness, then the lift, then being let out into the sunlight of grand flourishes and sloppiness: Paul McCartney bass lines being plucked by someone who John doesn’t hate, falling down the side of the mix like a slinky down the stairs. But she never gets to that. She clicked already.

Clicked past the monotony of the gasoline being poured on the pyre and missed the fire. Got bored during the movie and missed the sex. Lennon asks for patience to ignite the dazzle. The

waiting for the contrasts to whelm, but she “gets it” before that happens.

She clicks again and walks away.“Oh, I put it on shuffle. I hope you

don’t have any offensive lyrics.” What we are talking about is mu-

sic. About perseverance and about reward, about delayed gratification and spending time with a trowel on hands and knees to possibly discover buried gold lodes: about having an experience that has a narrative even if just tonally, that has movement, space, viscosity, arch, conflict. An aural edifice equaling more than the sum of its parts. What we are talking about is art, about Highway 61 Revis-ited and Thriller and London Calling, and how the seemingly lackluster or the flawed is a part of a larger real-ity comprised of more than just it-self. So what we are really talking about is life. About living modernity as a series of disassociated arbitrary bits, about skipping around the lulls, about cementing over the soil, auto-tuning out the imperfection. The shuffle scourge of more than just mu-sic, this is more than just songs. We become the mentality. In music often the greater the energy the listener extends the greater the satisfaction. Completing and digesting an ardu-ous album merits reward that can-not be acquired with indiscriminate songs. May I suggest: let “Remem-ber” finish. Allow the album to play as the artist intended. Maybe find what’s been missing in all the songs you’ve always skipped.

JASON OPPLIGER

THE TROUBLE WITH THE SHUFFLE

WHY THIRTY SECONDS OF TWENTY SONGS IS JUST PLAIN ANNOYING

RACHEL RUFRANOIllustration

MUSIC


Justin Vernon of the indie-acclaimed Wis-consin band Bon Iver has teamed up with hometown friends, Collections of Colonies

of Bees to form Volcano Choir, a surprisingly re-freshing auto-tuned departure from the acoustic harmonies of For Emma, Forever Ago. Volcano Choir’s debut album Unmap is everything you would expect from a Justin Vernon side project, a collection of songs with layered echoes and spacey compositions, tailored with post-rock qualities played by Collections of Colonies of Bees. Aside from having a tongue-tying band name, Collections of Colonies of Bees has the kind of sound you’d find in a sci-fi/fantasy soundtrack; the Bees have a very meticulous ar-rangement of arbitrary noise, allowing for each instrument to be reflected against a very large background of ambient melodies. I want to try and use the words “ambient” and “Brian Eno-esque” sparingly, but much of this album is exactly that. Justin Vernon steps outside of his

familiar falsetto and goes auto-tune on us, ex-cept, it’s actually quite good. Paired with these intimidating bass rhythms (think spacey, like being in a large room with just the bass drums and you) and chimey guitar plucking, Vernon’s tuned voice is actually kind of soothing; he ex-periments with the sound by drifting in and out of the processed music from his voice to the echoed, robotic version of it, capturing what feels like a more intimate shoegaze, without all the distracting distortion. The best quality about Unmap isn’t really its ethereal qualities, but in the way it pays huge respect to music that takes its time to come to fruition. The track “Island, IS,” is probably the most memorable track of the album as its raised tempo, and generally “hap-pier” beat is a less pensive song to listen to, and more accessible to those who aren’t accustomed to ambient music.

My track recommendation is “Mbira in the Morass,” which really takes Vernon’s voice to another level, a kind of charming, jazzy voice with a little bit of a blues whine. This is definite-ly a morning album, the kind you wake up to and decide you want to go for a drive—the “where,” in this case, isn’t really an issue.

MICHAEL MERMELSTEIN

KATHY MIRANDA

Ducktails is a solo project from Matt Mondale of the equally exciting New Jersey Project Real Estate. Both bands operate somewhere inside the emerging drone or “hypnagogic pop” scene, if that name makes you want to throw up, don’t worry because it is a stupid name made up by critics. Ba-sically drone is sort of a dated catch-all term for all the ambient noise stuff that seems to be seeping into the indie zeitgeist lately, and hypnagogic pop is an attempt to come up with a more appropriate name for it (hypnagogic is the word for the state between dreams and being awake).

Ducktail’s latest release is the perfect soundtrack to all of your low-key affairs from relaxation at the beach, to reading, to unwinding with a J. While this may come off as

demeaning to Mr. Mondale’s music, I really mean it in the best possible way. Ducktails is lovingly crafted ambient music from the most blissed out tropicalia and the slightest hint of noise.

The song titles invoke the tone Matt Mondale is seeking. Album standouts include “On The Board-walk,” and “Seagulls Flight.” Uti-lizing a wide range of warm tones from drum machines, synths, and field recordings, Mondale provides the perfect back drop for his psych-meets-muzak guitar playing which he backs up with the slightest touch-es of dissonance.

If you are seeking out one per-fect album to study to, or medi-tate with this year, then Ducktails’ Landscapes is that album.

VOLCANO CHOIRUNMAP[jagjaguwar;2009] DUCKTAILS

LANDSCAPES[Olde English Spelling Bee;2009]

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CLA

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10 UNION WEEKLY 12 OCTOBER 2009

SIMONE “PENALTY CRUZ” HARRISON

The Roller Derby game format is unique in that the offense and defense play simultane-ously. Three players on each team make up the defense, these are called blockers. They situate themselves into a pack with one player from each team called a pivot. The blockers and the pivot form a pack when skating around the rink. Each team chooses a “jammer” who scores points for each “jam.” A jam is a two minute period within the four quarters each lasting 20 minutes. The jammers wait behind the pack for 20 seconds after the first whistle is blown. Then they attempt to lap the pack and push their way through to score points. One point is awarded to a team for each player from the opposing team that the jammer passes. When the first jammer makes her way through the pack she is dubbed the “lead jammer.” The lead jam-mer can call off the game and disable the other team from scoring anymore points by placing her hands on her hips. Penalties are handed out for disorderly conduct, fights, or if a player acts in an unsportsmanlike manner.

Women’s sports, for the most part, are men’s sports with women playing them. Roller Derby seems to be the only women’s sport that doesn’t have to sacrifice femininity to be a truly competitive and enthralling sport

to watch or participate in. The women may be wearing pink fishnets, glitter eye shadow, and gold hot pants, but they can knock you onto the ground with one swift shove—and help you up off the ground as soon as the round ends. Roller Derby leagues are usually built from the ground up by the players, which is why there’s so much pride in the game. It’s a place where women can embrace their differences, knock the shit out of each other, and still bond over a keg stand at the afterparty. There aren’t many venues for that much honesty, that much unapologetic estrogen, and that much appreciation of individuality. That’s what makes Roller Derby so im-

portant. And that’s what makes Roller Derby so goddamn fun.Roller Derby dates back to 1885 and has been seen intermittently throughout the

century, but it wasn’t until 2004 that the all female grassroots side of the sport became an actual league. WFTDA (Women’s Flat Track Derby Association) started five years ago in Chicago when more than 20 leagues from around the country came together to discuss facilitating a legitimate league. Since then, hundreds of leagues have started across the country. There are several different leagues outside of WFTDA, including the LA Derby Dolls who are self-supporting. More recently, Michelle Steilen or Estro Jen (her derby name) is in the process of starting a league for the women of Long Beach. It will be a recreational driven league in which anyone can join. They are still in the fundraising process, so support your local Roller Derby league!

Rules of the Game

* Found Image

UNION WEEKLY 12 OCTOBER 2009 11

3.

2.

5.

6.

7.

1.

4.

1. Usually, the girls have their derby name blazoned across their helmets and the jammers wear a slip around

their helmets with a huge star so that they are easily recognized by the other players. 2. Since most of the women

are goddesses in their own right, the makeup is a major part of each player’s look. Typically, the girls wear bright

eye shadow or jewels around their eyes with heavy eyeliner. 3. Being that Roller Derby is a full contact sport,

protection is important. Every player wears pads on their elbows and knees for when they fall on the track or slam

into the railing. 4. Roller Derby girls typically wear spanks or skirts that show off their toned legs and free them

up for fast skating. 5. Fishnets, tights, and nylons are worn by all the players, which keeps them warm and adds

to the fierceness of the outfit. 6. The skates are the most important part of a derby girl’s ensemble. They can be

customized with different colored wheels, laces and design. Each pair of skates lasts about two years at the most.

7. A derby girl’s name should be a play on words that becomes their persona. Something that represents the

tough cookie that’s inside all of them.

The Uniform

The Party

Contacts

Aside from the fashion and actual gameplay, the afterparties that take place following each game

are crucial to the roller derby world. After the women have spent the past hour beating the crap out

of each other, they get smashed and leave the game behind. They respect one another for every

shove, punch and block that is thrown. These girls can take as many shots as they can punches. It’s

a sisterhood for the toughest bitches around and they know how to have fun. The roller culture has a

strong sense of community that is only strengthened by the way that the women conduct themselves.

The competition is fierce when they’re on the track, but the parties are fiercer.

Events for LB Roller DerbyRoller Disco Night! Thursday October 22, 2009 7-9pmThe Shore Ultralounge6400 E. PCH (PCH at 2nd St.) $5 gets you in, BUT $10 gets you in with 6 raffle tickets in hand.

Zombie Roller Babes Motorcycle MassacreBabes, Bikes, Booze, and Burlesque!Saturday, October 31, 20092239 Lemon Ave LB$5 entry

Where to buy your gear:Moxi Roller Skates2218 E 4th StLong Beach, CA 90814www.moxirollerskates.com

Get involved:http://www.longbeachrollerderby.com/contact

LITERATURE

It takes a night of debauched psychedelic drunkery in the urban jungle, reading Aimé Fernand David Césaire’s torrid lines

alive to experience his torment and pride. Far from the life he began in June 1913 and left in April of 2008, Césaire continues to reach to the contemporary reader, an indispensable ursprung of the most progressive politico-social movement in the post-colonial world: Négritude. This surrealist revolutionary movement, led by various other pan-African thinkers such as Senegalese Léopold Senghor, liberated the world by writing and actualizing the once marginalized consciousness of the colonized for social justice.

Aimé Césaire was born on the island of Martinique—schooled in the harsh realities of French colonial subjugation, his first instincts were, of course, to rebel. He later went to Paris to study at university where he met Senghor and launched a cultural identity movement that would affect a majority of the world being exploited by the economic and social policies of the western world. These ideas of independent pan-African pan-colonialized thought have inspired many

writers, politicians, and thinkers to smash the stifling hegemony of the Western world.

This body of thought developed into the field of post-colonial studies, incorporating into history the disenfranchised narratives of the oppressed classes that exist in every land: “As there are hyena-men panther-men, I would be a jew-man/a Kaffir-man/a Hindu-man-from-Calcutta, a Harlem-man-who-doesn’t-vote/the famine man, the insult-man, the torture man you can grab anytime, beat up, kill—no joke, kill.” His international approach to the essential struggle for human liberation and surrealist expression foreshadows Neruda’s magnum opus, Canto General, in its scope.

Beginning in the late 1930’s, Césaire began to publish prolifically, penning many poetry collections, plays, and essays. When he burst onto the scene, his unique native imagery and strikingly avant-garde verse were necessarily concerned with revolution. One of his notable biographical studies, Toussaint Louverture, documents the life and political context of the Haitian grandfather of national liberation. A strong

reference point for progressive Caribbean authors, Alejo Carpentier also wrote a seminal magic-realist history of the Haitaian revolution called Kingdom of This World.

In the early 40’s, he taught at a Lycée Schoelcher (named after the famed abolitionist) in Fort-de-France, Martinique,

where he helped shape the thoughts of Frantz Fanon who would later state, “We believe that the conscious and organized undertaking by a colonized people to re-establish the sovereignty of that nation constitutes the most complete and obvious cultural manifestation that exists.” These principals of communal struggle and social responsibility through both artistic and political means form the core of Césaire’s literary theory concerning the writing and perception of colonialized works.

He later on became a politician, acting as mayor for the city of Fort-de-France in Martinique and later influencing national policy, quite literally actualizing the thoughts he had previously only expressed in the most impassioned of poetry. Indispensable, the largest collection of Aimé Césaire in English is The Collected Poetry, translated by Clayton Eschelman and Wannette Smith and containing the French and English side by side. Read it—we are all colonized and that is why this literature keeps on speaking to us, the exploited in a psychedelic age, ready for dialectical-surrealist liberation of our rebel conscious.


Illustration JAMES KISLINGBURY

I’ve always wondered why the education system in the country is so bad. I mean, I know we watch a lot of TV and everything, but we are (were?) the greatest superpower on the planet. I don’t understand how, after all of out achievements, the country that gifted the world with wonders like the Model T, and more importantly Hot Pockets, could do such a bad

job of keeping ourselves educated. While there are probably many, many different variables that contribute to our crappy scores and flimsy American attention spans, for now I can offer the readers of the Union Weekly a name to deposit all of your disappointment and frustration upon: Jean Piaget.

If you don’t know who Jean Piaget is, I guess Piaget has only himself to blame. He’s the father of child psychology and in 1958 he published The Growth of Logical Thinking from Childhood of Adolescence along with his partner

Barbel Inhelder. In his study, Piaget asserts that no form of educational instruction or aid could speed up a child’s ability to logically think. An ability that would

not mature before the age of twelve! While Piaget’s conclusion would seem counter-intuitive to anybody who’s spent time with a bright five-year-old, it was upon these “findings” that provided the foundation the United States education as we know it today.

Because it was assumed that the ability to think abstractly took more time to develop, structure of early education was based on principals of memorization and categorization. This is essentially why, even after primary years of education, subjects like Social Studies and Science were separated. So, the focus of building critical

thinking skills, was and still is saved for later when a student enters junior high and high school. I guess it was assumed that at that point, each student would be able to piece the information they had been learning together on their own.

But here’s the problem, because subjects had been separated for the entirety of a student’s academic career, American students literally don’t think to string different forms of information together. This is why you hear people say things like, “Oh, I’m not a math person.” Odds are, that person had a negative experience in class, and was never taught that things like percentages and statistics had a very real place in their everyday life. As a result, anything math-related is put into a category that is perceived as “un-getable,” even if it comes to figuring out their own bills.

Since 1958, many significant strides have been made in Education Theory and Child Psychology and as we speak there is a major push for a re-configuring of our fragmented education system. The Race to the Top initiative is part of Barrack Obama's American Recovery and Reinvestment Act. The RTT fund aims to develop programs and tests that detect a curriculum’s efficiency and refine the programs that are in place that happen to be working well. Let’s just hope the people running this program think to put two and two together.

THE LIFE OF AIMÉ CÉSAIREFANTASTIC FATHER OF CULTURAL REBELLION

MICHAEL VEREMANS

THE WAY WE SHOULD HAVE LEARNED ITREADING, WRITING & ’RITHMATIC

CAITLIN CUTT


CULTUREa headband for your idle hands

Words and Photos Elise McCutchen

Enough of the semester has gone by for you to realize that college isn’t exactly how television made it out to be. No sorority or fraternity will take you, the people you’ve

known since junior high didn’t apply to the same school as you, and no one wants to get undressed in your general vicinity. You’re depressed, and most of your nights are spent alone in front of the TV watching someone who will never go to college find love on VH1. But don’t cry yourself to sleep any more nights, because I’ve got the cure for you: crafts! It’s a hobby that requires absolutely no social skills, and it’ll give you something to do on all of those lonely nights. Also, unlike any friends you may have had before, Michael and Jo-Ann will always be there for you.

Step One: Interlace the two ponytail holders as shown, and pull them into a knot.

Step Two: Securing one end, braid the three strips of fabric.

Step Three: Fold one end of the braid over a ponytail holder and sew straight across.

Step Four: Do the same with the other side (adjusting it to fit your head), cut off the extra pieces of fabric, and you’ve got a fashionable headband to hold your hair back while you’re throwing up that bottle of wine and the plate of brownies you probably consumed tonight! Who needs friends?

What you need:3 (19”-21” long) strips of fabric

(from the clothes that don’t fit you since you put on all that weight)2 elastic hairbands

1 needle and thread

one two

three four

an open letter to penelope cruz:

XOXO,kathy miranda

The other day I was walking by the bookstore and noticed your very plump, very well taken care of derrière on the cover of Vanity Fair, and thought to myself how do you manage to survive walking around like that? I am concerned, truly, for your well-being because one day I’m pretty sure one of the many screaming stampedes of men and women will eventually maul you to death because of how unspeakably sexy you are. Really, it’s a miracle you’ve gotten this far. I mean, do you realize how many women in the world are suffering from self-loathing because of those goddamn legs of yours?

It should be illegal to look as good as you do, and at 35? What kind of drugs are you taking, and where, exactly, can I get them? It’s no wonder Scarlett Johansson couldn’t take her prudish little hands off of you, you’re a walking sin waiting to be committed. And it isn’t enough that I, myself, almost croaked just looking for photos of you on the internet, but you have to be fucking Javier Bardem, too? Tell me, is there any hope for the rest of us normal-looking folk? Or are you just going to take over the world because I really wouldn’t be surprised if you did. BTW, if you really want to survive, I’d suggest you quit letting your ta-tas hang out everywhere. How you got Sir Ben Kingsley to let go of your breasts after shooting The Elegy is still a mystery to me. He stalked you, right? God, that must have been annoying.

So, word around town is you’ve got a little mini-you growing in that tummy of yours. Are you scared…you know, of pro-creation; of giving birth to something even more painfully beautiful than yourself? You’re probably going to blow up. Either that or the earth will quake a little bit. The bottom line is you might possibly be the embodiment of perfection. Sure, that’s a good thing, but tell me, how do you sleep at night without being scared of some crazed lunatic, obsessed with the every shift of your volumized hair, strangling you at night and then laying close to your warm corpse only to die, asphyxiated by your heavenly perfume?

Anyway, did you sleep with Woody Allen? ‘Cause I’d really love to hear how that went.


CREATIVE ARTS

Art STEVEN GARCIA

Poetry JASON LEE

COMICSGarage Sketchbook by elisa http://elisa-tanaka-garage.blogspot.com

Garage Sketchbook bonus!


Crayon Box by Faulkzilla http://www.faulkzilla.com

Comics for One by Victor! Perfecto [email protected]

Drunken Penguin Comics by James Kislingbury [email protected]

Across1- Some nest eggs 5- Japanese honorific 8- Hammett hound 12- Small particle 13- Pilfer 15- Nae sayer? 16- Env. notation 17- Poker Flat chronicler 18- Asian prince 19- City in SE Ten-nessee 22- DDE’s command 23- CD-___ 24- Antiquing agent 26- Like the Ever-glades 29- Vulgarity 31- Spring mo. 32- Brag 34- Hackneyed 36- Crux 38- Musical drama 40- Formicary resi-dents 41- Ribbons 43- Mountain spinach 45- ER VIP 46- Village in E Egypt 48- Instrument used in combat 50- Reformer Jacob 51- Paving material

52- ___ Paulo, Brazil 54- Involved with theology 61- In addition to 63- Roof overhangs 64- Director Ephron 65- Hog sound 66- Fend (off) 67- Suffragist Carrie 68- I did it! 69- Artful 70- Additional Down1- Apple product 2- Portnoy’s creator 3- ___ boy! 4- Nissan model 5- Ollie’s partner 6- Dynamic begin-ning 7- Defense grp. since 1949 8- Charge 9- Sportive 10- Exactly 11- ___ extra cost 13- Cleansing preparation 14- Juridical 20- Grave 21- A long time 25- I could ___ horse!

26- Talk 27- Comprehensive 28- Aquatic opossum 29- Dry stalks 30- Singer John 31- Invoice abbr. 33- Sun. talk 35- Computer key 37- Actress Hatcher 39- Vinegary 42- Agitated state 44- Dutch name of The Hague 47- Barbecue left-overs? 49- Son of the sovereign 52- Small blemish 53- Inter ___ 55- Chow 56- Egg-shaped 57- Tax 58- Carbonized fuel 59- Collective word for intellectual pursuits 60- After the bell 62- Jamaican popu-lar music

Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.

Let’s hear it. e-mail editor Victor Camba:

[email protected] drop off comments at the Union office

Student Union Office 239

Volume 65 Issue 7 LBUNION.COMMonday, October 12th, 2009

“I think he looks Asian no matter what part of his

face he covers up.”

Disclaimer:This page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. I Joe Bryant! Send rags

to [email protected]

INSIDE

College messiah, Jason Crisp (above), exhibits school spirit via his chest wounds.

Unfortunately this week our normal scribe of things not yet hap-pened, Jeff Bridges, Psychic Actor, is not available, because as he put it in a memo written on a brochure for a time-share in Palm Springs, “Life isn’t real anyways. BRB.”

Instead, our very own Metro editor and self-imposed “Editor of Gettin’ Ripped,” Gaelic Foreskyne will be taking over the creation of prophecy. Sadly, Gaelic is not blessed with the art of augury, but after be-ing wrapped in a skin-tight latex suit, administered a dosage of LSD, salvia, and Trader Joe’s brand “Pel-lican’s Gullet Red-Style Wine” and shoved into a magnetized sensory deprivation chamber, he’s as good as any other soothsayer.

Below are the notes Gaelic scribbled in a trance state before escaping from his restraints and vomiting on a fire escape:

***Entomologist and professional

sign-writer, Beau Bridges, Entomolo-gist, will warn us of an oncoming war with giant insects, but naturally his warnings will go unheeded, because he is boring and bloated. In time, the giant obsidian-skinned warriors will devour the cities and crush moun-tains beneath their many chitinous feet. Also, gas prices will go up to $6 a gallon and all milk will taste kind of like a sock whether you like it or not. Fuck that. This future sucks.

***In the wake of bombing the

Moon for the sake of science, Earth’s scientists will discover that, as cranks and idiots have claimed for hundreds of years, the Moon is in fact made of cheese. It isn’t even a good cheese, though, or one you can doctor up your chili with. It is made out of Cheese Whiz. Even more foolish scientists will try to figure out how to use the Cheese Whiz to make future moon bases. The prospect will fail and smell.

***Holy Jesus. Is this Star Wars?

What did I take? I’m in a Star Wars, aren’t I? I think I’m Darth Vader. Oh God, I am Darth Vader. I don’t want to die, and be evil. I haven’t even been to Mexico sober, I can’t run a galactic empire. This is a ter-rible future. It is made out of shapes and disappointment. Triangles.

BY ACID SNACKHAUS &A DRUNKEN SAILOR

College Messiah Turns Water into Two Buck Chuck

LONG BEACH, CA – Resi-dents of Parkside Building N were shocked and inspired this week when their fellow dormito-ry occupant, Jason Crisp, turned a gallon of water into discount table wine.

“Yeah, bro. One minute that shit was Alhambra, and the next it was Cabernet,” said sophomore, Tommy ‘The Chomp’ Shawmel. “I got fuuuuucked up. I was so drunk for my Comm midterm.”

The Cabernet in question was reportedly from Charles Shaw

Vineyards, a brand sold exclusively in Trader Joes (or “Tradey Jay’s” as it’s known in the dorms) for rough-ly $1.99. “Dude, I know my Tradey Jay’s and that was Two Buck Chuck,” continued ‘The Chomp’ between fits of vomiting, “He turned that Gal of Alhammy into some Two Bee Cee, the Cabby Sav.”

Reports from fellow revelers indicate that Crisp almost ruined the party by standing on his desk and shouting incoherently about the wine being his blood or some shit. “He had like an In-N-Out burger and he said it was body, it was so fucking lame. I went out and had a cigarette with this hot

nursing major from Alamitos. I don’t even smoke, but I wanted to get her lips around my filter if you know what I mean,” said Tommy, who choked like a joke and did not score with the hot nursing major.

Freshman Creative Writing major, Sam Boulder was also in at-tendance Friday night. “That Jason guy came up and asked if he could borrow my acoustic guitar,” he said, “I usually bring it to parties—you know, for the ladies—but I decided to let him use it, ’cause the dude had a beard so I thought maybe he could buy us alcohol. Bro just car-ried it around on his shoulder all night like some kind of freak.”

After being repeatedly asked if he “knew any Sublime,” Crisp re-portedly responded, “I am the sub-lime,” causing a great deal of con-fusion among his peers. Said one party-goer, “Brah, I was born and raised in the LBC. I think I’d know if homeboy was in Sublime. They played in my back yard, man.”

According to Resident Assis-tants, this is not the first time Ja-son Crisp has displayed disruptive and messianic behavior. The first week of fall semester he caused a fellow partier to rise from his passed-out stupor in the suite bathroom. While the feat was im-pressive, it caused Crisp’s room to exceed the maximum guest limit and he was subsequently cited.

BY GAELIC FORESKYNE

“Is this me? Am I Darth Vader?” asks a mildly asthmatic, drugged Foreskyne, adding “This is my body now...these are mine hands...”

FUTURE NEWSWHAT TO EXPECT IN YOUR COMING WEEK!

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Campus Dorm Building Occupied Entirely by Starbucks Employees

CSULB’s Parkside Commons is being re-named. Populated entirely by Starbucks employees, the caffeinated students are petitioning, from 4am to 12pm this Monday morning, to have the building renamed Pumpkin Spice Macchiato Parkside Commons.

Ashley McMillian states, “Starbucks people are soooo close and that drink is really important to everyone who lives here. We need to be properly resented [Editor’s note: she meant represented]. Ya know?”

When asked why the petition is actually succeeding, many school officials stated, “No comment,” while sipping their complimentary Grande Lattes.

PAGE 34W

Advertising Firm Unveils Jeans Commercial that Makes Sense

Jordache Jeans is officially “back in the denim race!” according to the company’s CEO, Mark Megerburger. Thanks to Megerburger’s “no-nonsense” ads, the denim company, which has been in

obscurity since the last wave of Members Only jackets, released their first non-tapered cut in two decades.

Levi reps refused to comment; citing only that they had no idea there was a “denim race.”

©

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“What Did You Say? I Wasn’t Listening,” Reports Area Boyfriend

65.07

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