5_thefifth_1.26
1
The Fifth TECHNICIAN THURSDAY, JANUARY 26, 2012 • PAGE 5 CONTRIBUTORS Josh Lucas Elise Heglar Mark Herring Taylor Cashdan Editor Deputy Editor Writer Designer THE FIFTH IS THE TECHNICIAN’S FIRST PARODY SECTION BASED ON THE SATIRE OF COLLEGIATE LIFE. IT IS IN NO WAY A REFLECTION OF THE TECHNICIAN OR A REPRESENTATION OF IT’S VIEWS. F THE FIFTH T here was a time when the dot- edu email was cool—when it meant that only you and your college friends could access Facebook. Then Mom friend requested you. Zuckerberg decided to open the floodgates of family drama and invite your family to experience the wonders of social media. The good idea went haywire after people started getting reprimanded for having more than one keg-stand profile picture. Your parents don’t understand your status updates, last Friday night’s pictures unfold like a depressing comic strip of your sibling washing down the party-hard drain and your little cousins are trying to chat you at any opprotunity. Facebook used to be an exclusive, col- lege experience, but now it’s a family affair. Just as people are documenting their ever-so-exciting lives, your fam- ily is documenting its peculiar dys- function. Mom officially took on the post-divorce, hyphenated last name to help her long-lost high school friends search her more easily. Your sister is updating her status so frequently and changing her profile picture every oth- er day; you’ve already diagnosed her with bipolar disorder. Your brother is turning the news feed into the “I have a manifesto” forum and the youngest in the family just discovered the B-52s on Spotify and feels obligated to tell the world. Every time we use Facebook to maxi- mize and share the college experience, we are simultaneously documenting a lot of other fascinating things. Consid- er the cultural phenomena of rehash- ing trollface memes or the importance of publishing your exact whereabouts. However, these things that you may post or tweet about, like the horror of exam week, are only funny when you post it. Surprisingly, your cousin’s song lyric statuses or mobile uploads of their lunch aren’t as exciting as if you had posted them. The problem with Facebook, espe- cially on the family level, is the effort people go to embellish how thrilling and desirable their lives are, when actu- ally they aren’t. Of course you have to look good in your profile picture, and Mom’s albums better be full of posed shots of family vacations, but in the end, Facebook - like reality - can’t hide the chaos and dysfunction that perme- ates our world. Even if you go in and edit your pro- file and delete any unsavory posts, you can’t take out the idiosyncrasies that documentarian Mark Zuckerberg has forever cataloged. Your mom is never going to decipher your status sarcasm, and your younger siblings will continue sending you pirate requests. As much as you want to deny it, your quirky and embarrassing family has just become Facebook-official. A Facebook family reunion Environmental Film Studies, Class of 2012 Knows: proper English, Gaelic Oliver Harrelson Cassidy Harrelson Mikey Harrelson Beverly P. Harrelson Psychological Science Education, Class of 2014 Lambda Lambda Lambda, Treasurer William G. Enloe High, Class of 2015 Scoop Engineer at Cold Stone Creamery Boston College ‘78 Director of Research at GlaxoSmith- Kline Pharmaceuticals Update Status Ask Question Add Photo /Video Harrelson Family News Feed Messages Events FAVORITES APPS Family Planning Birthdays Pokes Mikey Harrelson is listening to Tupac on Spotify 8:39 a.m. Monday Songs listened to “So Many Tears,” “Hail Mary,” “California Love.” Mikey Tupac, OMG!! Beverly Tupac? Is that a venereal disease? Do you need me to call your pediatrician, sweetie? Mikey MOM!!! No, Tupac is like the best rap band ever! Does anyone know when their next tour is? Are they coming to Raleigh soon? Beverly Tupac is dead, just like musical taste these days. Get back to homeroom. Mikey Stop hating on Tupac just because he isn’t a local band. Oliver Harrelson checks into Schoolkids Records on Foursquare 1:47 p.m. Mikey Harrelson is listening to Notorious B.I.G. on Spotify 3:39 p.m. Wednesday Songs listened to: “Things Done Changed, “Machine Gun Funk,” “Juicy.” Beverly Mikey, I listened to some of these songs and they are really explicit. These lyrics have me concerned. Mikey Haha, East Coast all the way Ma. Beverly East Coast? That’s not like a gang or something is it? Oliver Get off Facebook, Mom! And, Mikey, get off Spotify. Vinyl is the only way to go. Google searched: “key knee deep in the crack game” Read NY Times article: Crack Cocaine on the rise in American High Schools Read About.com: 5 ways to tell if your teens on drugs Google searched: Raleigh Drug Rehabilitation Clinics Pintrest: Sea-horse cupcakes Beverly Purdeaux Harrelson’s online activity Oliver Harrelson posts at 2:14 p.m., Thursday Occupy Day! First, I’ll occupy Cup A Joe, and then I’m going to occupy the state Capitol!!! Corporate America you’re going down!! Mikey And you wonder why you’re single (50 people like this) Cassidy Harrelson posts at 9:53 p.m., Thursday via twitter: Out tonight with all my gurrrllls!! Beverly Purdeaux Harrelson posts at 5:02 p.m., Friday Beverly I can’t wait for a relaxing weekend after a boring week of drug trials. Mikey Mom, how does working on Cialis not get a rise out of you? Mikey Get it? Cassidy Harrelson changes her relationship status from It’s Com- plicated to Married to Stacy “Tri Lam” Stevens. Stacy Sisters forever! Mikey Harrelson posts at 6:28 p.m. Friday Mikey Next time I have to sing for tips at Cold Stone, I’m gonna pop a cap in their @$$. Beverly Mikey, this has to stop. I’m leaving work right now and picking you up from the mall. This music has to be contributing to this behavior Mikey You’ll never take me alive… Mikey Harrelson checks into “Prison/my ‘rent’s house” on Four- square 6:40 p.m. Cassidy Harrelson Can’t wait to get crazy with my sisters again Cassidy DTSB anyone? Oliver Harrelson posts at 11:14 p.m., Friday Oliver Showing police that Occupy’s boss Cassidy Harrelson posts at 11:41 p.m., Friday Cassidy chads brothers at deltaup party like off the hgi- nges hope the cops dontcome Beverly Purdeaux Harrelson posts at 1:46 a.m. Saturday Beverly After graduating top of my class at Boston, working up to one of the most executive positions at GlaxoSmithKline, I never expected to be at the police station downtown picking up my son and daughter in college. Mikey Hahahahaha!! Going to get a copy of The Slammer right now might have to frame it. Also, Mom, how do you frame? facebook
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Cassidy Harrelson posts at 11:41 p.m., Friday Oliver Harrelson posts at 2:14 p.m., Thursday Mikey Mom, how does working on Cialis not get a rise Does anyone know when their next tour is? Are they coming to Raleigh soon? Oliver Harrelson posts at 11:14 p.m., Friday Mikey Hahahahaha!! Going to get a copy of The Slammer Mikey Harrelson is listening to Tupac on Spotify 8:39 a.m. Monday Mikey MOM!!! No, Tupac is like the best rap band ever! Mikey Harrelson is listening to Notorious B.I.G. on band.
Transcript of 5_thefifth_1.26
The FifthTechnician Thursday, january 26, 2012 • Page 5
CONTRIBUTORSJosh Lucas
Elise HeglarMark Herring
Taylor Cashdan
EditorDeputy EditorWriterDesigner
The FiFTh is The Technician’s FirsT parody secTion based on The saTire oF collegiaTe
liFe. iT is in no way a reFlecTion oF The Technician or a represenTaTion oF iT’s views.
FThe FiFTh
There was a time when the dot-edu email was cool—when it meant that only you and your
college friends could access Facebook.Then Mom friend requested you.Zuckerberg decided to open the
floodgates of family drama and invite your family to experience the wonders of social media. The good idea went haywire after people started getting reprimanded for having more than one keg-stand profile picture. Your parents don’t understand your status updates, last Friday night’s pictures unfold like a depressing comic strip of your sibling washing down the party-hard drain and your little cousins are trying to chat you at any opprotunity.
Facebook used to be an exclusive, col-lege experience, but now it’s a family affair. Just as people are documenting their ever-so-exciting lives, your fam-ily is documenting its peculiar dys-function. Mom officially took on the post-divorce, hyphenated last name to help her long-lost high school friends search her more easily. Your sister is updating her status so frequently and changing her profile picture every oth-er day; you’ve already diagnosed her with bipolar disorder. Your brother is turning the news feed into the “I have a manifesto” forum and the youngest in the family just discovered the B-52s on Spotify and feels obligated to tell the world.
Every time we use Facebook to maxi-mize and share the college experience, we are simultaneously documenting a lot of other fascinating things. Consid-er the cultural phenomena of rehash-ing trollface memes or the importance of publishing your exact whereabouts. However, these things that you may post or tweet about, like the horror of exam week, are only funny when you post it. Surprisingly, your cousin’s song lyric statuses or mobile uploads of their lunch aren’t as exciting as if you had posted them.
The problem with Facebook, espe-cially on the family level, is the effort people go to embellish how thrilling and desirable their lives are, when actu-
ally they aren’t. Of course you have to look good in your profile picture, and Mom’s albums better be full of posed shots of family vacations, but in the end, Facebook - like reality - can’t hide the chaos and dysfunction that perme-ates our world.
Even if you go in and edit your pro-file and delete any unsavory posts, you can’t take out the idiosyncrasies that documentarian Mark Zuckerberg has forever cataloged. Your mom is never going to decipher your status sarcasm, and your younger siblings will continue sending you pirate requests. As much as you want to deny it, your quirky and embarrassing family has just become Facebook-official.
A Facebook family reunion
Environmental Film Studies, Class of 2012Knows: proper English, Gaelic
Oliver Harrelson Cassidy Harrelson Mikey Harrelson Beverly P. Harrelson
Psychological Science Education, Class of 2014Lambda Lambda Lambda, Treasurer
William G. Enloe High, Class of 2015Scoop Engineer at Cold Stone Creamery
Boston College ‘78Director of Research at GlaxoSmith-Kline Pharmaceuticals
Update Status Ask QuestionAdd Photo /Video
Harrelson Family
News Feed
Messages
Events
FAVORITES
APPS
Family Planning
Birthdays
Pokes
Mikey Harrelson is listening to Tupac on Spotify 8:39 a.m. MondaySongs listened to “So Many Tears,” “Hail Mary,” “California Love.”
Mikey Tupac, OMG!!
Beverly Tupac? Is that a venereal disease? Do you need me to call your pediatrician, sweetie?
Mikey MOM!!! No, Tupac is like the best rap band ever! Does anyone know when their next tour is? Are they coming to Raleigh soon?
Beverly Tupac is dead, just like musical taste these days. Get back to homeroom.
Mikey Stop hating on Tupac just because he isn’t a local band.
Oliver Harrelson checks into Schoolkids Records on Foursquare 1:47 p.m.
Mikey Harrelson is listening to Notorious B.I.G. on Spotify 3:39 p.m. WednesdaySongs listened to: “Things Done Changed, “Machine Gun Funk,” “Juicy.”
Beverly Mikey, I listened to some of these songs and they are really explicit. These lyrics have me concerned.
Mikey Haha, East Coast all the way Ma.
Beverly East Coast? That’s not like a gang or something is it?
Oliver Get off Facebook, Mom! And, Mikey, get off Spotify. Vinyl is the only way to go.
Google searched: “key knee deep in the crack game”Read NY Times article: Crack Cocaine on the rise in American High SchoolsRead About.com: 5 ways to tell if your teens on drugsGoogle searched: Raleigh Drug Rehabilitation ClinicsPintrest: Sea-horse cupcakes
Beverly Purdeaux Harrelson’s online activity
Oliver Harrelson posts at 2:14 p.m., ThursdayOccupy Day! First, I’ll occupy Cup A Joe, and then I’m going to occupy the state Capitol!!! Corporate America you’re going down!!
Mikey And you wonder why you’re single(50 people like this)
Cassidy Harrelson posts at 9:53 p.m., Thursday
via twitter: Out tonight with all my gurrrllls!!
Beverly Purdeaux Harrelson posts at 5:02 p.m., Friday
Beverly I can’t wait for a relaxing weekend after a boring week of drug trials.
Mikey Mom, how does working on Cialis not get a rise out of you?
Mikey Get it?
Cassidy Harrelson changes her relationship status from It’s Com-plicated to Married to Stacy “Tri Lam” Stevens.
Stacy Sisters forever!
Mikey Harrelson posts at 6:28 p.m. Friday
Mikey Next time I have to sing for tips at Cold Stone, I’m gonna pop a cap in their @$$.
Beverly Mikey, this has to stop. I’m leaving work right now and picking you up from the mall. This music has to be contributing to this behavior
Mikey You’ll never take me alive…
Mikey Harrelson checks into “Prison/my ‘rent’s house” on Four-square 6:40 p.m.
Cassidy Harrelson Can’t wait to get crazy with my sisters again
Cassidy DTSB anyone?
Oliver Harrelson posts at 11:14 p.m., Friday
Oliver Showing police that Occupy’s boss
Cassidy Harrelson posts at 11:41 p.m., Friday
Cassidy chads brothers at deltaup party like off the hgi-nges hope the cops dontcome
Beverly Purdeaux Harrelson posts at 1:46 a.m. Saturday
Beverly After graduating top of my class at Boston, working up to one of the most executive positions at GlaxoSmithKline, I never expected to be at the police station downtown picking up my son and daughter in college.
Mikey Hahahahaha!! Going to get a copy of The Slammer right now might have to frame it. Also, Mom, how do you frame?
