5il:XPVUent April 1, 1984 ill··jfil!!Yi! . M

The Student Newspaper of Montana State University. ~ze~an, ~T. Volume 00 Issue April Fool's

Senate redistricts; halls brace· for spring The ASMSU Senate voted recently to

district the elected representative seats according to the amount of financial aid a student receives.

Students receiving$! to$100 per quarter will be awarded 3 seats, $100 to $300 per quarter will get 3 seats, $300 to $500 per quarter will get 3 seats, over $500 per quarter will receive 3 seats, married students receiving joint financial aid will receive 3 seats, and greek (with an option for one student from another Mediterranean country to serve) students receiving no finacial aid will rect;!iye the remaining 5 seats.

In other Senate action the Senate approved a supplemental motion to increase the appropriation of the annual Senate banquet from $400 to $25,000. The affair is scheduled for April 17-18 at the Waldorl hotel in San Francisco.

The extravagance begins Saturday morning, as the 24 members of the ASMSU government and their spouses or dates join with a dozen members of the administration, leave the Gallatin county airport aboard a chartered 727, while cruising to the Bay city the beaurocrats will

·be treated to a $50 per person champagne brunch. In flight entertainment will be provided by Jonny Melcher and the NCpicPAC dancers.

The dinner at the Waldorl will be a tuxedo gown affair with the tuxedos and gowns provided by Gucci. The $200 per person dinner features 9 courses of different ethnic origins. Entertainment at the gala affair will be Gary Heins and the Dollest Cowboy Cheerleaders.

The drunken revelers will be flown back on a bloody mary special after a guided tour of San Fran's famous Homosexual strip.

When questioned about the expense of the event one greek Senater said "I need a date."

In other action Tuesday the Senate passed bill 70-69 which would allow the Student Security to be armed at events which there is a possiblity of riot. The bill included appropriation for the purchase of 10 Israeli made Uzis and 10 Soviet made AK-47s because of superior craftmanship. Student Security claimed the reason for purchasing the foreign weapons was because the American, Mattel manufactured weapons are inferior in heavy com bat situations.

One supporting Senater said "If it takes a bloodbath to create peace let it begin here at MSU."

The final appropriation taken up by Senate was to send specially trained commandos of ROTC to El Salvador for mercinary work. ROTC wanted the money that could be made to supplement their scholarship fund which was drained after the Reagan administration shifted funds to ACME Terrorism Inc.

The motion passed under the push of one conservative ·Senator who stated "We should be proud of our students who want to kill the Red tide of communism in the basement of the United States of America." Another Senator said "Supporting oppresion should be the goal of every loyal American, and may God be merciful on those who don't."

A resolution was unanamously approved by the Senate to permanantly hire Mark Eckert as KGL T station manager. They were not aware he had died several hours prior to the meeting.

The Montana State University administration yesterday would not confirm or deny recent reports from Washington that the three pods of Roskie dormitory are,

' in reality, covert nuclear missle silos aimed at the Soviet Union. These startling reports were leaked out of Washington earlier this week by a top Reagan administration aide, but MSU officials have refused to comment.

The Exponent, in it's never-ending quest for journalistic excellence and truth, has looked into this issue. Conspicuously, MSU Health Services officials report over 600 Roskie residents have received medical treatment for several mysterious illnesses. 300 students complained of massive hair loss. 200 were treated for extremely brittle bones. And 100 were treated for skin blisters covering 90% of their bodies.

When confronted with this virtual epidemic of radiation poisoning, MSU president Bill Tietz said, "Don't go forming wild conclusions. It's probably just a fluke coincidence. You Exponent radicals are always jumping off the deep end anyway."

Roskie (above) has been confirmed as nuclear miHile silos while North Heel&"· (not pictured below), was reported millin& over the sprin& break.

Well , excuse us Mr. Tietz, but the Exponent can't be stopped so easily. It just so happens that the ASMSU Finance Board appropriated a $50,000 radiation detection device for the Exponent staff to use in situations just like this. Aftertalkingto Tietz, two unidentified Exponent reporters tested the radiation level th~oughout Roskie. They found the radiation to be 10,000 times greater than normal levels. Unfortun­ately, the reporters could not be reached for comment. They are currently under intensive care at Bozeman Deaconess Hospital for hairless and glowing internal organs.

As a result of our investigation, the Exponent advises all Roskie residents to wear lead suits and write their Congressman.

Glenn Lewis, Director of On Campus Living reported to campus security the loss of Hedges North. The building and its occupants were last seen on Wednesday evening.

Campus Insecurity spokesperson Mike Rand who was investigating the disappearance commented, "We are pretty certain that it was a fraternity prank." Rand went on to comment that the parents of the occupants had not received any ransom demands which absolved ACME Terrorism Inc. of the prank.

All fraternities replied they hadn't stolen Hedges North, however one fraternity failed to respond. The Sigma Chi's were not available for comment, but hot rumor has it they were last seen heading for the west coast with a large brown paper package.

Martial law declared on campus "Totalitarianism struck

Bozeman yesterday as the MSU administration declared martial law in the campus dormitories.

According to Gen. Wilhelm Tietzkov, governor of the ruling military junta, the dorms are to be rid of all "Western influences," most notably those coming from 200 miles to the west in Missoula. Forbidden practices include the use of alcohol and drugs, male-female encounters and a winning

basketball program. Martial law was declared, said

several neutral observers, in an attempt to destroy RHA, the residence halls' popular new labor movement. Additional force may be required to bring the mob of dormitory residents under control, said Tietzkov.

"The only question," said John Q . Student , RHA president, "is whether

-residence hall desk clerks will be forced to shoot their fellow

students." Glenn Lewis, director of on­

campus living, was reportedly under house arrest at his office in the Hedges Complex and unable to witness the baptism of his 17 -ye ar-old son. He remained under custody at press time, despite impas­sioned pleas from on-campus living directors worldwide.

Effects of the martial law are already being seen. Long lines formed yesterday at Joe's

Parkway, Me'n Jan's and the Hinky Dinky for beer and wine, which had to be consumed on­location because of the alcohol restriction. Male and female students could be heard tunneling through floors and ceilings in Hedges to reach loved ones and safety. A Langford resident avoided a vigorous search as he was catapulted into the Hapner courtyard to be reunited with his girlfriend.

UVI t-teadline§ Ron's workin' like a dog

Ronald Reagan and wife Nancy were· observed tn . Washington, D.C., over the past weekend. Being that it was the end of the month and Ron was behind on his work the First Family couldn't make their weekend excu~sion to California. A very unreliable source said Nancy was very upset and afraid that hertan would fade.

After watching two hours of "Bozo goes to College," on his new personel video Betamax, Reagan was unable to get a thing accomplished. Ron, howe~er, requested that the Senate pay him double time for his efforts since his social security benefits would not be sufficient to make the payments on his new Betamax.

Haig gets tough In an interview with The Washington Post yesterday,

Secretary of State Alexander Haig confirmed reports that the United States is planning even more sanctions against Libyan strongman Muammar Khaddafi.

Reacting to intelligence reports that Khaddafi has sent a "hit team" to the Bob Marshall Wilderness area in Montana, the White House initially banned exports of the television program, "Today's FBI", to Libya.

"Well, we certainly don't want to disclose security information to an unstable terrorist nation," Haig told the Post.

Also in the works are plans to ban exports of Foster· Grant Sunglasses, Cadillac parts, Coca Cola, Haggar Sportswear, and Sidewinder Ill Air·to·Air missiles.

A total of 14 students were NOT involved in thefts, accidents, disturbances and general hell-raising during spring break, the MSU Traffic and Security Department revealed today.

In other action: *One duck was reported missing from

the duck pond. Several sets of silverware, a microwave oven and a large carving knife were also reported stolen from the Hedges dining hall but the two thefts are definitely unrelated, according to Chief Harold "Sarge" Pettys.

*A night custodian reported the theft of Leon Johnson Hall. An investigation is continuing, said campus police.

*A man reported his wife as missing. A search was called off when he located her two days later at Ms. Kitty's.

*MSU police reported a gazelle loose in the fields south of campus. The animal was charged with trespassing, freed on its own recognizance, then impounded again for writing a bad out-of-town check.

•A small silver spoon, a razor blade and several $100 bills were reported stolen from 103 Montana Hall. Campus police· urge their return, no questions asked, as the items have great sentimental value for their owner.

*Mike Rand, the only reliable source, reported five area deaths. They are ...

JOHN WARD Born on the 16th of December.1957, he

died tragically on April 1, 1982. He was brutally beaten and bludgeoned to death by pipestones while attending a going away party (his own?) at East Aspen. The perpetrators are still at large, but the police feel it was a definite hit or botched kidnapping by Acme Terrorism Inc., the people responsible for the hiring of the commandos remain unknown. MSU Insecurity spokesman, Mike Rand, claims Insecurity is looking for connections between this murder and the Clifford 'Sergei' Stockton killing. Stockton reportedly forced Ward into writing several articles against his will , which appears to be the major factor of both their deaths.

Known affectionatly as Hurricane, he was a man missing some guts. The New Page 2 Exponent

York transplant was known for his excessively large and undeflatable ego, though he always remained easy going and willing to do anything for anyone. "I want everything I possibly can give you, and then give you some more," was a frequent saying of his according to an <Uiesian. Usually 'everything' was more sex, drugs, beer or Clash albums. The most notable thing about Hurricane was, as Hippie claimed " He wasn't as good as he sounded."

JOHN BURGESS Born on the 17th of April, 1958, he died

tragically on April 1, 1982. Authorities aren't quite sure how he died because he was never good at endings. He was found beneath the hung feet of Mark Eckert, in mid-sentence of the great American novel which he was writing at the time of his unfortunate death. According to Mike Rand, of MSU Insecurity, the deceased may have been a witness of Eckert's last unprofessional stand, or as close friend of Burgess believes it was a conspiracy of the Sigma Chi house to keep the cook.

Burgess who was known affectionately as 'Hippie' , by his many admirers, won 't be missed at all. While hewasknownasan arrogant man, he was also very humble. His best friend and drinking buddy Mark Beatty, said Hippie's favorite statement was " I want everything I possibly can give you and then give you some more." Normally 'everything' was sarcastic putdowns, obscene language and vile gestures. Hippie made it to editor of the Exponent because he wasn't afraid to cheat if he couldn't win. He died with complete control, feckless and reckless . His close comrade, Hurricane said. "He wasn't as good as he sounded." The cook

'Hurncane' 'Serae1'

Reagan's image costs President Reagan has reversed his decision to

increase military spending in his budget proposal. Instead, an unidentified source close to the oral office said, the money will be sent to university student newspapers to bolster the president's public image.

Reagan has recently come under attack by moderate student organizations nationwide for his proposed cutback in financial aid programs.

As one high official put it, "If 30 billion dollars can't buy at least one favorable editorial, then the president might as well not talk to the press at all ."

Ann blames Abby The long-time advice columnist Ann Landers broke

down in hysterics yesterday after it was discovered that she had been 'faking it' all these years, by making up all her letters. Landers was quoted as saying, "Abby made me do it'' in front of a crowd of thousands of distraught neurotics.

Henry gets ripped again to

According to a shady source, Henry Fonda never received his Oscar. Jane was seen receiving money for the 'golden boy' from Dudley Moore back stage.

Later Ms. Fonda was quoted as saying, "The big 'poop' doesn't need one anyway, he's got me."

agreed. CLIFFORD STOCKTON

Born on the 2nd of June,1957, he died tragically on April 1, . 1982. He died wearing a beret, in the Library, with the revolver, by Mrs. White. Mrs. White's idenity remains unknown but according to MSU Insecurity officer Mike Rand, she is the alleged connection between unknown financiers and the blackmailing and botched kidnapping of John " Hurricane" Ward, which resulted in his death. Stockton was rumored to be the represenitive of ACME Terrorism Inc. which claimed responsiblity for the attempted Ward kidnapping and Stockton's death.

Stockton was most famous for his infiltration of the ASMSU Senate as a high level mole leaking top secret concert information to a known left wing newspaper. Known affectionatly to his friends (few as they were) as "Sergei", who often heard him say, " I want everything I possibly can give you and then give you some more." Mostly he gave letter bombs, death threats and ransom demands. The most notable thing about Sergei was as his friend agent 00112 said, "He wasn't as good as he sounded."

CURT PRCHAL Born on the 25th of July, 1954, he died

tragically on April 1. 1982. Though he was murdered, his death was a fortunate one for Curt was strickened with a terminal illness first diagnosed late (his widow wife says early) on the evening of July 25, 1980. Near his butchered body was found a shattered pipestone and a broken Sic pen. He was the Sports editor of the Exponent and a friend of the cook. H_e also

had a fetish for berets. Mike Rand of the MSU Insecurity claimed this was the most baffling case ever to confront the Insecurity detectives.

In his youth Curt was affectionately known as 'Burl ', by his family and close friends. Burl was well known as a sucker for " By me a drink, Joe," during his stint as a swabby on boardthe USS Gray Cab while deployed to the Orient in the mid· 70's. Recently , as an employee of this newspaper, he gave everything no other sports editor has before and he still gave more. His wife, at the scene of the crime, commented to Insecurity Officer Rand, "He wasn't as good as he sounded."

MARK ECKERT Born tragically. Tragically dead at the

tender age of 26,or thereabouts. Mark Eckert was found dead admist the rash, and perhaps at the center of unexplained brutal slayings of important ASMSU employees his death came as a welcome relief to investigating MSU Insecurity Officer Mike Rand, "It was the easiest of the deaths to investigate, it appears to be a real simple suicide." Eckert was found hanging above his desk the apparant victim of suicide. Lying on his desk, nextto an unfinished novel by John Burgess, was a note railing atthe heartless actions of the ASMSU Senate, when they asked for his resignation. Officer Rand , when questioned about the apparent suicide explained that the death may be tied to the web of mystery that left Burgess laying under the feet of Eckert.

Known affectionatly to his enemies as, "Gods gift to radio," Eckert was renowned for possessing the largest ego on campus,

; people often remarked that it was difficut to find space in the same room. Eckert was known to say, "I want everything I can possibly give you and then give you some 'more. When asked to comment on his death an ASMSU Senator remarked, "He

· certainly solved a lot of problems but,gosh, he was an awfully sharp dresser." A comrade of Eckert, Dusty Dunbar reminiscing stated,"He wasn't as good as he sounded."

April l, 1984

r=eatu.-es Appreciate Us

It's 7:30 p.m. and the editors discuss problems with the past papers. They sit with the red marked issues and talk about the mistakes, but change swiftly to topics of improvements they can make. They discuss the possibili ties of a new style for the lettering, a different place for the dates, a unique format for special events. They argue over ad and picture percentage and wonder how the readers feel.

It's 8:30 p.m. and the editors are working on their pages. They cut and sl ice here and there, they decide whether one story is more important than another, they use th is story, scrap that story, and hold the other story for the next time. They measure their spaces left and request pictures to fit and wh ine and moan when it doesn't

·"Nork. At 10:30 p.m., the editors look over their pages for the last time.

They change a cutline here and push a story up there. They get down to the nittY-gritty work making surethatthe headlines and the copy line up. When all of the fi nishingtouches are done, they put all of the dummy sheets in a box, clean up the offi ce, and lock up for the night.

It's 11:00 a.m. the next morning and the editors sit around with their red pencils marking things that were overlooked the night before. They mark not only the mistakes but also the good points. They share a feel ing of pride in their work and hope things will be better next time. But they all know that whatever is right or wrong with the paper, it was up to them to make the decisions. •

- '

This is "Be kind to the Exponent editors week!" So, make sure that you take one of the editors out to lunch, out for a beer, out for a smoke or whatever you think is appropriate for the wonderful hardworking editors during the week set aside for them. Don't forget!'

N-s Editor. Mika TITwell survived an assassination attempt aarty this momin&. Campus Insecurity Officer Mika Rand, acting on a reliable tip, expects to nab the shooter known as Sam 'Dirty Knees' Grimes.

We love our work at the Exponent Most people come to college with only a few

~oals in mind. They want to find out who they are, what they like, when they are going to fin ish, where they want to be when they finish, why they have been brought into this world, and how they are going to acheive their ultimate goals. Since school is a broadening process through campus activities and organizations, curriculum groups, and special clubs, it seems like the perfect place to test their wings. Some people start their test fl ights by joining one of the many groups or clubs. But one group of illustrious students decided to work on the student newspaper

"1ere at MSU. In their point of view, they feel that the school newspaper is the best place to work.

School newspapers are wonderful. Everyone in the office strives for perfection in their work. It takes a long time and careful planning to make th ings work out on each page of the paper. This means thatthere are a lot of people working at the same place atthe same t ime, but no one is ever in the way, and because so many people are looking for

perfection on the pages, very few mistakes are made in the process. Layout of the paper is perfect every time. And that's what makes it so fun to work here.

With perfection, however, comes professionalism. Long before the layout people begin to put the stories on the pages, the managing editor works. works, reworks,

· and reworks with "dummy" sheets, trying to find the best placement for ads. He works on this for days so that, when layout night rolls around, the news, sports, and feature's editors will know exactly how much space they have. Such professionalism is equaled only at the high powered papers, such as the 'National Enquirer.' Ads never have to be moved into spaces reserved for stories. Since our managing editor is such a professional and his mistakes are so rare, everyone stays happy, which is another reason it's such fun to work here.

This type of perfection and professional ­ism are just part of the job. They are not extras that come along when someone else moves into a position that is open.

Consequently, the biggest responsibility involved with working at the paper is obligation. The paper has a lot of obligated people working here from the editor right down to the lowest paid writers. These lowest paid writers, however, seem to be the most obligated. Their position is to write a story when someone says, "Write. " And they do. With outstanding quality and never a late story, they get their job done. These people never seem to come up with weak excuses of having too many mid-terms or too much to do (other than the paper) . Such obligation is not easy to find but our paper seems to have the ultimate in such people. It makes an editor proud to have such a wonderful staff.

All in all , the reasons why the paper is such a fun place to work are too numerous to list. This small smattering of ideas that are the most important, is just the beginning of reasons why the people who work here like it so much. But perfection, professionalism, and obligation help most to keep the paper at its present level of acheivement.

.M*A*S*H theme song rings too tr_ue "Suicide is painless, it brings

on many cha11ges, and I can take or leave it if I please."

Sometimes when the world •seems to be too cruel , and things begin to pile up on other things, the only way out from under all of it seems to be a shot in the head. It's not as bad as people think; one shot and it is all over. As the song says, "Suicide is painless." But it has do be done right. Painless is the only way to go. There is no point in prolonging Ille death th rough pills that might be pumped out of your stomach, April 1, 1984

or through the slow, painful! . process of bleeding to death after

slitting your wrists. The best way is with a straight shot to the head when there is no hope to live. In short, a quick, painless shot fo the head will get rid of a ton of problems and headaches.

Life, death, and change go hand in hand. When a life is first brought into existence, other lives are changed so much. Parents take on a lot of responsibility when they decide to have a child . But not only are the parents involved with the

child; grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews and so on, are also touched by that human life in the crib. All of these people worry and think about this one tiny life on and off during its years of ex i stence . Once someone dies, people who have worried about that person soon realize that they have one less worry on their minds. In the long run, death takes from the living the worries of the dead. And if suiciile speeds up th is total tranquility, the changes it brings on are only good to everyone

involved. Of course the last line of the

refrain is, "But I can take or leave it if I please." and it is a personal choice. No one can take this choice lightly either. It is a personal choice, and, since spring quarter has the highest su icide rate, the question will be on the minds of many students this quarter. Lets all hope that they make the right decision and run for their father's shot guns!!!

Live in the dorms

People seem to take little th ings, like where they live, for granted . Living in a bi g comfortable house is different than living in a two room apartment in many ways, but they have something in common; both places, to those who live there, are home. The inhabitants can do as they please, decorate in their styles, play their favorite music loud, burn candles or incence if desired and much more. Dorm life, however, is totally different. Dorm life is even better than living in a t ipi.

Because the rooms are small , there is no problem with where to put thi'ngs because they won't fit in too many arrangements. This cuts down on trying to be creative at interior decorating. The rooms have only two desks, two beds, a beautiful and comfortable lounge chai r and personal belongings of the occupants so moving things about the room is no problem.

Posters are the main source of wall coverings since tacking up tapestries or pictures is illegal ; people don't have to spend money on nails or tacks to hang things on the wall so that saves money. The bookstore is stocked full of wonderful girly posters and fat lady posters to inspire young minds. Many students paint their rooms to break the blaas of plain walls and their designs do show some artisitic talent. The paint jobs cover the walls splendidly but they look best when a few spots of the old color show through the new. This gives the room an antique look.

Walking down the halls of the dorms. it is always surprising to see the vast variety of memo boards. Each door, especially in the girls dorms, has a board filled with scribbles and slashes that usually were written by the drunk boys from the party down the hall last night. These boards seem to be the center of attention because they always have something new written on them each time the occupants return to their nest after a long, hard day of school.

Music buffs love the dorms. On any occasion one can hear a multitude of different types of music blaring from the multitude of stereos that all " broke" college students seem to have. It does not matter if the music is being played on the floor below or above, or if it is down the hall , it is impossible to escape the constant boom boom of the bass. This helps the music buff to decide where to go to ask someone what album they just played so that they can buy it too.

There are many other reasons why living in the dorms is so

Continued on Pac• 13

Exponent Page 3

Raiders bring renovation to Reno Sales ~tadium In an unpresidented move, Al Davis has received the Super Bowl.

the National Football Leaguesapprovaltomovethe , ~ The booster club was contem_plating to ask the Oakland Raiders to Bozeman, instead of the state legislature to trade the University to Colstrip original proposal to move his ball club to Los for 7,500 blue collar workers, but when _the news Angeles. broke the Bobc_at football team won a c?m toss for

The brash move came when Davis talked the the NCAA D1v1s1on 1-AA football champ1onsh1p the Bobcat Booster Club into expanding Reno H. Sales plans were dropped. Stadium by 75 000 seats and guaranteeing a trade Betha I Debham, MSU men's athletic director, for the Dallas 'cowboy Cheerleaders. The Bobcat expressed disappointment that it wasn't the New Cheerleaders, Frank Witt Jr., Leroy Hopper, Mike York Jets moving here, "but atleast we'I.! have Houlihan, and a VDT Addressograph Multigraph enough seats for the Bobcat-Gnzzly game. Typesetter will be wearing Cowboy su its in the fall. An .,till'• rendition of the'before' •nd '•ft•r' look Deb ham was also pretu~.bed he wasn't consulted

The move ends the bitter controversy wh ich has of S.les Suidium •• construction bellin• this on the Houlihan trade. I can understand Witt shrouded the NFL forthe last several years and cost sprina south of c•mpu1. being traded, but Hou Ii had real talent. Hey look the League millions of dollars in a lengthy law su it. man he was running for ASMSU Senate. Besides he

Pete Rozelle, League president was pleased with / was the only Butte cat that treate<;I the women the move exclaiming, "now I can take my wife right. " hotpotting." The Dollest Cowboy Committee issued a heated

In a press released from the Bobcat Booster's statement upon hearing the news of the Dallas Office, the Club stated, "Now we'll have a winning Cowboy Cheerleaders return to MSU, "if we have to, ball club, who' ll know that footballs can fly like we'll not hesitate to bring Gary Heins back to the geese and the game didn't evolve in Butte. It will Baxter Hotel." give a reason for the real football fans to come out Reinstated Bobcat football coach Sonny Lubick and be searched at the gate and to sit quitely in the and Davis are expected to talk about the stands and appreciate the expertise and artwork of development of a farm system, so players who are quality football. " playing well can be shuffled back and forth to

Davis quipped at the Gallitan County Airport, " If capture the greatest amount of productivity. James Watt can 't open up the wilderness areas, the Economics professor Mike Copeland is expected NFL will. " Davis was in town to break ground for his to lend his expertise in this area. new strip mining operation. As of press timethe legality of farm clubs with the

One member of the booster club when asked if NCAA by-laws and the NFL rules was unknown and Davis is just out to exploit Montana retorted, " I both offices refused comment until the situation don't give a damn what he does, as long as he wins could be examined.

Coin toss brings 3-7 Cats a national championship In a surprising announcement Conference record . played tough. We'd have won it MSU's national championship recruiting trail claiming, "I know

Doug (Graber) has already recruited many athletes, but there weren't enough Butte players."

the Montana State University The Boosters unamimously fair and square if we hadn't had was made, 15 fans gathered at Bobcat football team, despite last agreed with this idea, but then so many injuries. And our crowd Reno H. Sales to honor the 12 year's 3-7 record, has been realized QQugGraberhadalready support stunk. How do MSU fans athletes who showed up (in their awarded the 1981 Division I-AA been hired to replace Lubick who expect us to win if they always 19 8 2 Ch rys I er s) at the National Championship. had moved on to Colorado State expect a winning season?" champion's reception. Both Parac and Graber were

unavailable for comment. The move came after more to head their offensive unit. After After the announcement of Lubick is now hot on the than 40 of the top teams in a lengthy debate, the Boosters Division I-AA. including former decided'to offer Lubick the job if champion Idaho State, were he was willing to return to the caught in a massive scandal , university. It was announced that involving players being awarded Graber would be offered a automobiles and cash in position as an assistant coach exchange for doing part-time jobs under Lubick. such as parking cars for one hour In a prepared statement, a on Sunday; and for non-existing spokesperson for Lu bi ck courses like: Cafeteria Eating 105 commented about the offer and (first in a series of 4 courses), the national championship. Dozing 101, Ego Devlopment "I knewwehadtheteamtowin 4 70. the national championship. I said

" The list of schools is these kids worked harder than amazing, " a Div ision I-AA anyoneelseanditfinallypaidoff. spokesman said . " I can't I'm honored that the MSU men's understand how the American athletic department would have automobile business is hurting me back. I promise to continue because these colleges alone the winning tradition hereat MSU could have kept Chrysler in and maybe next year we'll have a business." passing game."

The elevation of MSU to A men's athletic spokesman national championship status said that Lubick earned the came as a complete surprise to position and that MSU would be the Bobcat men's athletic proud to welcome him back department. MSU's 3-7 record because of his honesty and was just good enough to qualify refusal to become involved in the the school for a chance to win the scandal wh ich has rocked the t itle. Tied with three other 3. 7 nation. schools, MSU won a coin toss to Members of the Cat football win the national championship. team remarked about the ir

Because of the unexpected championship season. news, the Bobcat Booster Club "We deserved it . We know we called an emergency meeting to didn't have a winning season, but rehash the status of fired, former we tried as hard as Idaho State. head coach Sonny Lubick who So what if we didn't have a Mike guided the '81 team to the Machurek and we didn't have a national title and a 1-6 Big Sky passing game. We still think we Page 4 Exponent

Tanned spikers await Neville Former MS U women ' s and to take up skiing." to be the Bobcat mascot, "an

volleyball coach Bill Neville The MSU spikers in a collective obsession he's had since early recent I y announced his statement explained, "we feel childhood ." Parac reportedly resignation from the U.S. Men's we've earned a place in the sun added, " I was tired of skiing and National Volleyball team to return and we'll bloom into more than a wanted to get a good suntan." to Bozeman. pansy." Bethal Debnam, star MSU

Neville cited several personal Bigelow's response to the basketball player(forthe past two reasons for his resignation and change of events was, " I'm seasons), has been hired to noted his departure from the moving to Helena to work on replace Parac as the men's program "was a pipestone dream Canadian / American affairs with athletic director. He stated he come true." an unnamed friend." was glad and excited with his new

Current women's volleyball In a related event Tom Parac, position. "Coach Haroldson has coach, Chris Bigelow, said of her MSU men's athletic director, been recruiting so well I won't predecessor's return to an announced he was resigning to make next year's team and administrative posit i on in accept a ballboy postion on the besideslwon'thaveto passoff." Student Affairs and Services, U.S. Men's National volleyball The coaching position vacated "he's the spike in the net of my team. An unidentified ~ource in by Bigelow will be filled former Rose garden." the athletic department said the Fieldhouse Maintenance Director

Neville ' s resignation has move revolved around his failure Leroy Hopper. spawned a series of changes at M 1. d • t •t ~Ti~yb:~pi~~~~e. ~shet~~ - ~~~·~ ac In pre IC S Wrl 8 volleyball team announced plans In a surprise announcement by the MSU Publications and News to cut the entire team in favor of Services, former MSU standout basketball forward John Maclin has the Bobcat women spikers. The returned from his hometown of Chicago to assume the position of U.S. men's team in a prepared MSU Men's Sports Information Director, as former director Bruce statement said, "We feel we have Parker has been named to replace Leroy Hopper as Fieldhouse a better shot at the gold with the Maintenance Director. MSU spikers than we do with this Mac Ii n's appointment comes as no surprise to those who follow group of blond hair, suntanned Bobcat basketball, as the talented scorer made public notice of his primadonna pansies." desire for the position in his final radio interview as a Bobcat player

The disheartened and bitter following this season. men's team announced they "I told Bruce I'd be back to take his JOb just as soon as I returned would collectively transfer to from Chi Town," Maclin reportedly said. "Hopefully I'll be able to MSU, "to be near coach Neville add a little color to the Office of Publications and News Services."

__ A~pn_·1 1, 1984