5 core components of EQ.doc

8/17/2019 5 core components of EQ.doc

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Showing Empathy

Empathy

To show empathy is to identify with another's feelings. It is to emotionally put yourself in the place

of another. The ability to empathize is directly dependent on your ability to feel your own feelingsand identify them.

If you have never felt a certain feeling, it will be hard for you to understand how another person isfeeling. This holds equally true for pleasure and pain. If, for example, you have never put your

hand in a flame, you will not know the pain of fire. If you have not experienced sexual passion, youwill not understand its power. imilarly, if you have never felt rebellious or defiant, you will notunderstand those feelings. !eading about a feeling and intellectually knowing about it is very

different than actually experiencing it for yourself .

"mong those with an equal level of innate emotional intelligence, the person who has actually

experienced the widest range and variety of feelings ## the great depths of depression and theheights of fulfillment, for example, ## is the one who is most able to empathize with the greatestnumber of people from all walks of life. $n the other hand, when we say that someone %can't

relate% to other people, it is likely because they haven't experienced, acknowledged or acceptedmany feelings of their own .

$nce you have felt discriminated against, for example, it is much easier to relate with someoneelse who has been discriminated against. $ur innate emotional intelligence gives us the ability toquickly recall those instances and form associations when we encounter discrimination again. &ethen can use the %reliving% of those emotions to guide our thinking and actions. This is one of the

ways nature slowly evolves towards a higher level of survival. In other words, over time,

awareness of our own feelings may lead us to treat others in a more pro#survival way.

or this process to work, the first step is that we must be able to experience our own emotions.This means we must be open to them and not distract ourselves from them or try to numb

ourselves from our feelings through drugs, alcohol, etc.

(ext, we need to become aware of what we are actually feeling ## to acknowledge, identify, andaccept our feelings. $nly then can we empathize with others. That is one reason it is important towork on your own emotional awareness and sensitivity## in other words, to be %in touch with% your

feelings. ## and to help children stay in touch with their feelings.

Awareness & Acknowledgment

)mpathy begins with awareness of another person's feelings. It would be easier to be aware of other people's emotions if they would simply tell us how they felt. *ut since most people do not,we must resort to asking questions, reading between the lines, guessing, and trying to interpret

non#verbal cues. )motionally expressive people are easiest to read because their eyes and facesare constantly letting us know how they are feeling .


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$nce we have figured out how another person feels, we show empathy by acknowledging theemotion. &e may say, for example,

# I can see you are really uncomfortable about this.# I can understand why you would be upset.

&e can also show empathy through a simple sign of affection such as hug or a tender touch.Though empathy is usually used in reference to sensing someone else's painful feelings, it can

also apply to someone's positive feelings of success, accomplishment, pride, achievement etc. Inthis case a %high five% would also be a sign of empathy.

Empathy and Sensitivity

In one of the +ayer et al studies, many variables were measured. $f these many variables,sensitivity was found to have the highest correlation to emotional intelligence as they define andmeasure it. electing a +easure of )motional Intelligence- It can be assumed that empathy andsensitivity are also significantly correlated. *y definition sensitive people are more likely to notice

someone else's feelings and to feel something themselves. *ut even those who are not naturallysensitive, or do not have a high natural level of )I, can take steps to show more sensitivity to the

feelings of others.

" basic guideline for showing sensitivity to someone is to not invalidate their feelings by belittling,diminishing, reecting, udging, or ignoring them. Even just a simple acknowledgment without any real empathy is much better than totally ignoring someone's feeling. ee section on

invalidation-

ensitivity also means being receptive to others' cues, particularly the non#verbal ones such asfacial expressions. This is similar to a highly sensitive radio antenna which can pick up faint

signals. The more information you are able to receive, the more you can help them and yourself.*y the way, a person can never actually be %too sensitive% any more than someone can be toointelligent. It is only a question of how they use the information their extra sensitivity is giving

them.

Empathy, Understanding and Compassion

)mpathy is closely related to compassion, but empathy both precedes compassion and is a pre#requisite for compassion. &hen we feel empathy for someone we are getting emotional

information about them and their situation. *y collecting information about other people's feelings,you get to know them better. "s you get to know others on an emotional level, you are likely to see

similarities between your feelings and theirs, and between your basic emotional needs and theirs.&hen you realize that someone else's basic emotional needs are similar to yours, you are more

able to identify with them, relate to them and empathize with them.

"ll humans share similar emotional needs. ee human emotional needs- The wide variety amongour needs is mostly a difference in degree, rather than in type. or example, we all need to feel

some degree of freedom, but one person may need more freedom than another.

/ompassion can be defined as a combination of empathy and understanding. 0reater empathy

http://www.core.eqi.org/mayer.htmhttp://www.core.eqi.org/sfiles.htm#Selecting%20a%20Measure%20of%20Emotional%20Intelligence:%20The%20Case%20for%20Ability%20Scaleshttp://www.core.eqi.org/invalid.htmhttp://www.core.eqi.org/needs.htmhttp://www.core.eqi.org/mayer.htmhttp://www.core.eqi.org/sfiles.htm#Selecting%20a%20Measure%20of%20Emotional%20Intelligence:%20The%20Case%20for%20Ability%20Scaleshttp://www.core.eqi.org/invalid.htmhttp://www.core.eqi.org/needs.htm


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gives you greater information, and the more information you have on something, the more likelyyou are to understand it. 1igher emotional intelligence makes possible a greater capacity for such

understanding. Thus, the logical sequence is as follows2 1igher emotional sensitivity andawareness leads to higher levels of empathy. This leads to higher levels of understanding which

then leads to higher levels of compassion.

1aim 0inott wrote that %It takes time and wisdom to realize that the personal parallels theuniversal and what pains one man pains mankind.% (ow we might add that it also takes highly

developed emotional intelligence.

Empathy and Conscience

Those who are not in touch with their own feelings are not likely to have a sense of conscience.They may feel no remorse, no guilt for causing harm to others. "s could be expected, studies

show that such people are unlikely to respond to rehabilitation.

One thing which could easily cause a person to lose touch with his own feelings and to

lose his natural sense of conscience is an extremely painful childhood and adolescence.uch people have experienced so much pain that they shut themselves from it. This pain may

have come from physical, sexual or emotional abuse. The end result though is similar. They do notexperience their own pain, so they have no compassion for the pain of another. (or do they have

any empathy.

They are also likely to be extremely needy. In other words they have many, and deep,unmet emotional needs. s adults, they will have developed elaborate defense

mechanisms in an attempt to block the pain coming from both these unmet needs and from the guilt they would feel if they allowed themselves to feel.

"s reud helped us see, attempts to defend our brains from psychological pain usually involve thecognitive parts of the brain. For example, common defenses are rationalization, justification,denial, intellectualization, moralizing, preaching, proselytizing, self-righteousness, projection,

suppression, etc.

In the absence of a conscience, behavior must be controlled by fear, threats and punishment, or by separation from society. This comes at tremendous social cost, and

evidently is ineffective, given the overcrowded prisons and rising fines.

It seems that laws are really only needed when conscience has failed. &e might say that the morelaws a society needs, the less emotionally intelligent.

Too Much Empathy

In one of their 3445 publications alovey and +ayer hypothesized that there was a positiverelationship between empathy and emotional intelligence. ince then their studies have indeed

shown this to be the case, using their test which tries to measure )I-. ee )motional intelligencemeets traditional standards for an intelligence.- till, their definition of )I and their detailed chart of

its many aspects do not mention empathy ## something which is a bit puzzling. 6pon reflectionthough, it does seem possible that one could feel too much empathy, to the point where they

http://www.core.eqi.org/ginott.htmhttp://www.core.eqi.org/sfiles.htm#Emotional%20Intelligence%20Meets%20Traditional%20Standards%20for%20an%20Intelligence,%20by%20John%20Mayer%20David%20Caruso%20Peter%20Saloveyhttp://www.core.eqi.org/sfiles.htm#Emotional%20Intelligence%20Meets%20Traditional%20Standards%20for%20an%20Intelligence,%20by%20John%20Mayer%20David%20Caruso%20Peter%20Saloveyhttp://www.core.eqi.org/ginott.htmhttp://www.core.eqi.org/sfiles.htm#Emotional%20Intelligence%20Meets%20Traditional%20Standards%20for%20an%20Intelligence,%20by%20John%20Mayer%20David%20Caruso%20Peter%20Saloveyhttp://www.core.eqi.org/sfiles.htm#Emotional%20Intelligence%20Meets%20Traditional%20Standards%20for%20an%20Intelligence,%20by%20John%20Mayer%20David%20Caruso%20Peter%20Salovey


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become overly#affected by another person's moods, for example, in an unhealthy co#dependentrelationship.

Therefore, it seems to make sense that while our innate emotional sensitivity gives us theability to feel empathy, our emotional intelligence helps us decide what to do when we feel

empathy and what to do when someone else's moods are affecting us too much .

)ven though it may be possible to sometimes feel too much empathy, I and many others believeempathy is something we could use more of in society. In fact it is likely that our human ability to

empathize is one of the main ways our emotions contribute to the survival of the species.

Einstein !uote

%" human being is a part of the whole, called by us '6niverse,' a part limited intime and space. 1e experiences himself, his thoughts, and feelings as

something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of hisconsciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our

personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. $ur taskmust be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassionto embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. (obody isable to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself

a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security.%

"espect

When we show our respect for other living things, they respond with respect for us. -

Arapaho Proverb

To respect a person is not possible without knowing him; care and responsibility would be

blind if they were not guided by knowledge. Erich Fromm

&hat !espect Is

&hy It Is Important

&here !espect /omes rom

howing and )arning !espect

+easuring !espect

+easuring !espect ina 7rimary chool

&e 8on't eel !espected &hen...

!espect, ear and /ontrol in)ducation and ociety

tories "bout !espect

9ou 0ot to how olks ome !espect

!espect, ear and )motional alseness

lapping, ear and !espect

Other Core

Topics

Respect |Empathy

Caring |

ListeningUnderstanding

Free EQ forEverybody Book

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!espect, )ducation and TeacherTraining

"uthority, ear and !espect

/onfusion *etween !espect,$bedience and ear

The Inverse !elationship *etweenear and !espect

tudy 3tudy :

!espect and 7arenting#/onsequences for later in life

#on $ Core

;ane *luestein "rticle

!espect and !omance

!espect and /ulture

!espect, $bedience, and ear

&hy $ne Teen eels !espected

E%ternal inks

!espect and eelings # rom the 6niversity of Illinois

'hat "espect (s

!n a practical level respect includes taking someone's feelings, needs,thoughts, ideas, wishes and preferences into consideration. It means takingall of these seriously and giving them worth and value. In fact, giving someonerespect seems similar to valuing them and their thoughts, feelings, etc. It alsoincludes acknowledging them, listening to them, being truthful with them, andaccepting their individuality and idiosyncrasies.

!espect can be shown through behavior and it can also be felt. &e can act in wayswhich are considered respectful, yet we can also feel respect for someone and feelrespected by someone. *ecause it is possible to act in ways that do not reflect how

we really feel, the feeling of respect is more important than the behavior without thefeeling. &hen the feeling is there, the behavior will naturally follow.

'hy (t is (mportant

0oing back in time, respect played an important role in survival. If we think of asmall tribe wandering in the desert we can imagine that a person not respected byanyone could be left behind and die. uch a person was considered to have noworth, no importance, no value to the group. This, I believe is the foundation of our

http://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Respect,%20Education%20and%20Teacher%20Training%23Respect,%20Education%20and%20Teacher%20Traininghttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Respect,%20Education%20and%20Teacher%20Training%23Respect,%20Education%20and%20Teacher%20Traininghttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Authority,%20Fear%20and%20Respect%23Authority,%20Fear%20and%20Respecthttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Confusion%20Between%20Respect,%20Obedience%20and%20Fear%23Confusion%20Between%20Respect,%20Obedience%20and%20Fearhttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Confusion%20Between%20Respect,%20Obedience%20and%20Fear%23Confusion%20Between%20Respect,%20Obedience%20and%20Fearhttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#The%20Inverse%20Relationship%20Between%20Fear%20and%20Respect%23The%20Inverse%20Relationship%20Between%20Fear%20and%20Respecthttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#The%20Inverse%20Relationship%20Between%20Fear%20and%20Respect%23The%20Inverse%20Relationship%20Between%20Fear%20and%20Respecthttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Study%20One%20-%207%20Adolescents%23Study%20One%20-%207%20Adolescentshttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Study%202%23Study%202http://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Respect%20and%20Parenting%23Respect%20and%20Parentinghttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Respect%20and%20Parenting%23Respect%20and%20Parentinghttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Respect%20and%20Romance%23Respect%20and%20Romancehttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Respect%20and%20Culture%23Respect%20and%20Culturehttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Respect,%20Obedience%20and%20Fear%23Respect,%20Obedience%20and%20Fearhttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#7.%20Why%20one%20teen%20year%20old%20feels%20respected%237.%20Why%20one%20teen%20year%20old%20feels%20respectedhttp://urbanext.illinois.edu/familyworks/respect-01.htmlhttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Respect,%20Education%20and%20Teacher%20Training%23Respect,%20Education%20and%20Teacher%20Traininghttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Respect,%20Education%20and%20Teacher%20Training%23Respect,%20Education%20and%20Teacher%20Traininghttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Authority,%20Fear%20and%20Respect%23Authority,%20Fear%20and%20Respecthttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Confusion%20Between%20Respect,%20Obedience%20and%20Fear%23Confusion%20Between%20Respect,%20Obedience%20and%20Fearhttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Confusion%20Between%20Respect,%20Obedience%20and%20Fear%23Confusion%20Between%20Respect,%20Obedience%20and%20Fearhttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#The%20Inverse%20Relationship%20Between%20Fear%20and%20Respect%23The%20Inverse%20Relationship%20Between%20Fear%20and%20Respecthttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#The%20Inverse%20Relationship%20Between%20Fear%20and%20Respect%23The%20Inverse%20Relationship%20Between%20Fear%20and%20Respecthttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Study%20One%20-%207%20Adolescents%23Study%20One%20-%207%20Adolescentshttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Study%202%23Study%202http://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Respect%20and%20Parenting%23Respect%20and%20Parentinghttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Respect%20and%20Parenting%23Respect%20and%20Parentinghttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Respect%20and%20Romance%23Respect%20and%20Romancehttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Respect%20and%20Culture%23Respect%20and%20Culturehttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Respect,%20Obedience%20and%20Fear%23Respect,%20Obedience%20and%20Fearhttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#7.%20Why%20one%20teen%20year%20old%20feels%20respected%237.%20Why%20one%20teen%20year%20old%20feels%20respectedhttp://urbanext.illinois.edu/familyworks/respect-01.html


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psychological need to feel respected.

(owadays it seems much more possible to survive without being respected.omeone could, for example, inherit a large sum of money, have many servantsand employees and have salesmen constantly calling on him and catering to him,yet not be respected in the least. omeone could also make a lot of money through

having a particular talent which is valued, such as being able to dunk a basketballyet not really be respected, perhaps because of the way he treats others.

till, there is a value to respect which money can't buy. Though someone's lifemight not depend on it, there are times, many times in fact, when another personhas the chance to make a personal decision # a udgment call. &hen that personfeels sincere respect for someone else, they will make a different decision than ifthey feel no respect, even if they have customarily shown a false, pseudo#respectto the person.

&e can all sense whether we are respected or not. This holds true for those with

money and power as well. +oreover, it is quite possible that those who pursuemoney and power are actually trying to gain a type of respect that they never havetruly felt.

&hen we are respected we gain the voluntary cooperation of people. &e don'thave to use as much of our energy and resources trying to get our needs met.&hen people respect one another there are fewer conflicts. In summary, it is forboth evolutionary and practical reasons that respect is important, and also why wesimply feel better when we are respected.

'here "espect Comes )rom

0enerally speaking, respect is something that is earned. $ne earns another'srespect by voluntarily doing the things mentioned above, such as taking thatperson's feelings, needs and thoughts into consideration.

!espect seems to be like a boomerang in the sense that you must send it outbefore it will come back to you. !espect cannot be demanded or forced, thoughsometimes people mistakenly believe that it can, as discussed below.

ince a baby has no concept of respect, and feels only its own needs when it isfirst born, it seems the only successful way to teach a child what respect is, is to

earn the respect of the child as they slowly grow into a thinking human being.

The way this is done is first of all by attending to the child's natural needs, such asto be fed and nurtured. "s the child grows, his needs change. 1e has increasinglysophisticated psychological needs. 1e begins to express his own views, his ownpreferences, and he has an increasing need for freedom, autonomy andindependence. This is when the adults in his life can treat him with increasingrespect and thereby earn his respect in return.

It doesn't make sense to think of respecting a baby in the same way that we say


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we respect an adult. 9et on some level the two concepts are similar. This similarityhas to do with our voluntarily helping that person with their needs. In either case,we must first accept the needs. or example, if a baby needs to be fed at three inthe morning we don't do it begrudgingly if we respect his natural needs< we simplyaccept that the infant has a natural need to eat at that particular moment. =ikewise,if an adolescent or an adult needs to talk, we accept this need and we show

respect by listening voluntarily.

*elow are more specific ways to show and earn respect, particularly to an olderchild, adolescent or adult.

Showing and Earning "espect

!especting someone means respecting their feelings and their survival needs.1ere are ways to show respect for someone's feelings2

• asking them how they feel

• validating their feelings • empathizing with them

• seeking understanding of their feelings

• taking their feelings into consideration

or this process to work efficiently several things are required. or example2

3. )ach person must be aware of their own feelings< i.e. know how they feel.:. They must be able to express their feelings.>. They must know how to listen non#udgmentally ? non#defensively.@. They must know how to validate feelings.

A. They must believe that feelings have value.B. They must believe that feelings matter.

If respecting someone means respecting their feelings and their survival needs,then if a person does not respect your feelings, they don't respect you. If those inpositions of power and authority do not respect your needs and feelings, they willnot earn your respect.

1ere are some specific ways to show respect2

• "sking others %1ow would you feel if...% before making a decision which

affects them• Coluntarily making changes and compromises to accommodate their

feelings, desires and needs • (ot interrupting them

• oliciting and allowing feedback. Trying to understand their beliefs, values

and needs• 0iving them the opportunity to solve their own problems without

underestimating them, in particular2

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3. "void telling them what to do. "void telling them what they 'need' to or 'should do. "void giving them unsolicited advice, sermons and lectures .

!emember that the most effective way of finding out how well your efforts areworking is to simply ask, %$n a scale of 5#35, how much do you feel respected bymeD% If you have created a safe environment, you are likely to get an honest

answer. Then if it is lower than 35, you can ask, %&hat would help you feel morerespectedD% Then you have the specific information you need to improve your'rating.' I have found that most people are more than willing to express themselveswhen asked such a question. "nd the answers are typically articulate, and oftensurprising.

Measuring "espect

" simple way to measure respect is to use the 5#35 scale suggested above. 9oucan ask others, %$n a scale of 5#35, how much do you feel respected by EEEED%uch a clear, direct question provides invaluable information.

1ere are more questions to ponder2

• &hat would happen if customers, clients, and constituents were asked how

much they felt respected by employees of businesses and governmentagenciesD

• &hat if organizations established minimum standards for respectD• &hat if children and adolescents were asked how much they felt respected

by their parents and teachersD &hat if someone took action based on theresponsesD

!espect is too important to go unmeasured in society. &e track many other lessimportant numbers, but so far, we don't track respect. 8oing so would be a step inthe right direction.

#

"lso see this true story on measuring respect in a primary school.

Authority, )ear and "espect

It seems that authority has two basic sources2 fear and respect. $n the continuumbelow, we can see that the total source of a person's authority could be thought ofas equal to the combination of how much they are feared plus how much they arerespected.

Source o* Authority

...........ear .....................!espect

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................5 3 : > @ A B F G 4 35

ear H !espect Total ource of "uthority

or example, in a dysfunctional family a child might fear their parents G and respectthem :, for a total of 35. In a healthier family the authority base might be more like

ear 3, !espect 4, again for a total of 35. ee small sample study-

Those in positions of authority often expect and try to demand that those beneaththem show 'respect.' *ut if they have not first earned respect by showing it whichis done by respecting the other person's feelings and needs-, they may find thattheir power is actually based on fear. $nce a person no longer fears such anauthority figure "-, then the "'s power base quickly disappears out from underthem, often leaving them feeling frustrated, powerless, confused and resentful.

Con*usion +etween "espect, Oedience and )ear

" (ew 9ork /ity gang member was asked why he carried a gun. 1e replied2%*efore I had this gun, I didn't get no respect. (ow I do.%

imilarly, teachers and parents often believe that if a child obeys them, or says%9es, irJ (o, ir,% it means the child respects them. everal teachers have told methey felt more respected when there was more 'discipline' in the classrooms. &henI probed deeper, without fail they made it clear that they were talking about a timewhen there was more use of corporal punishment in school, and thus more fear ofphysical pain for disobedience.

There is a danger in mislabeling fear as respect. To use an analogy, consider what

would happen if two ars in the medicine cabinet were mislabeled. &hat if poisonivy lotion were labeled as cough syrup, or chlorine as contact lens cleanerD

1ere are some comparisons between fear and respect2

• ear is toxic.

• !espect is nurturing. • ear destroys self#confidence. !espect builds it.

• ear is life#threatening. !espect is life#enhancing.

• ear is forced. !espect is earned. • ear is learned. !espect is earned.

To confuse the two creates serious problems for society.

#

ee also

Cideo of police officer assaulting a teen boy and lecturing him about respect.

http://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#The%20Inverse%20Relationship%20Between%20Fear%20and%20Respect%23The%20Inverse%20Relationship%20Between%20Fear%20and%20Respecthttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Earning%20Respect...%20or%20Confusing%20it%20WIth%20Fear%20and%20Obedience?%23Earning%20Respect...%20or%20Confusing%20it%20WIth%20Fear%20and%20Obedience?http://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#The%20Inverse%20Relationship%20Between%20Fear%20and%20Respect%23The%20Inverse%20Relationship%20Between%20Fear%20and%20Respecthttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Earning%20Respect...%20or%20Confusing%20it%20WIth%20Fear%20and%20Obedience?%23Earning%20Respect...%20or%20Confusing%20it%20WIth%20Fear%20and%20Obedience?


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"nother example of the confusion between respect and obedience.

The (nverse "elationship +etween )ear and "espect

I have a theory that there is an inverse relationship, or a significant negativecorrelation, between fear and respect. 1ere are some informal sample studies.

tudy 3 ## F "dolescents

$ne day I met F people between the ages of 3> and 3A. I did a small survey ofrespect and fear. irst I asked them how much they felt respected by their mothersand fathers, individually, from 5#35. Then I asked how much they felt afraid of each.

"s I expected there was an inverse relationship. They felt a high level of respect byboth parents and a felt a low level of fear. They felt slightly more respected by theirmothers and slightly more afraid of their fathers.

These were a group of bike riders, riding around *elgium. They have voluntarily

oined the group so no one had been forced to go. They seemed quite healthy andhappy. ome of them did smoke, but I think it was only three people in the group.

1ere are the results stated as average numbers.

!espect ear

+other G-4 ->

ather G-G -B

========

tudy : ## ive "dolescents

I asked a 3@ year old who I will call )7, to do a little survey among A of her friendsabout respect and fear. I wanted to know how much her friends felt respected by,and afraid of, their mothers and fathers. 1ere is the report I got back.

Friend 1

Respect Mum 0 "She respects my horses more than me"Dad 7 "He ets me be myse! ithout spoiin# me"

Fear

Mum $"%e usuay have shoutin# matches& and athou#h she can be 'uitethreatenin#& ( can shout ouder)"

Dad *

"(+m never scared o! his reaction to thin#s and (+ve #ot no reason to

!ear him, (! ( did somethin#

ron# he+d be disappointed more than anythin# ese"

http://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#8.%20Another%20example%20of%20confusing%20respect%20and%20obedience%238.%20Another%20example%20of%20confusing%20respect%20and%20obediencehttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#8.%20Another%20example%20of%20confusing%20respect%20and%20obedience%238.%20Another%20example%20of%20confusing%20respect%20and%20obedience


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Friend 2

Respect

Mum 7 "My mum is a very #ood mum and ( !ee heathy bein# around her"

Dad 0

"He doesn+t respect me at a, He e!t me hen ( as a baby and no

ants me to drop

everythin# and come and ive ith him in another country,"

Fear Mum 0 "( !ee reay !ree ith my mum"

Dad - "( don+t .no him very e at a, ( .no my step/dad more"

Friend 3

RespectMum

"She trusts me to oo. a!ter my baby sisters and she ets me 1ust beme"

Dad 0 "( don+t .no here he is)"

Fear Mum 0 2o comments

Dad //

Friend 4

RespectMum "%e #et on so e"

Dad 0 "He ony cares about himse! and his bitch"

Fear

Mum $ "Sometimes e ar#ue"

Dad *

"2othin# he says or does can hurt me anymore, ( can say anythin# to

him 3 sear& hatever 3and he can+t do anythin# about it because he+s havin# an a!!air and he

.nos that+s much orse,

( hate him so much !or hat he+s put our !amiy throu#h,"

Friend 5 *

RespectMum *0 "( have the best parents ever)"

Dad *0

Fear Mum 0 "( ove them and ( .no they ove me, 4hey are the cooest,"Dad 0

5 2ote !rom the person as.in# the 'uestions6

(I truly believe !riend " has great parents. #he is such a happy person$I can%t e&plain

it; there%s 'ust something so free and wonderful about her. #he really glows and has no

worries. #he is so lucky

http://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#*%23*http://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#*%23*


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"espect and .arenting$ Conse/uences *or later in li*e

"hen we do not feel respected by our parents while we are living with them,we have an unmet need to feel respected later in life. This is such an obviousstatement, yet it needs to be said. It is one of the clearest examples of whathappens when our emotional needs are not filled in the right amounts at the righttime by our parents. #eople who did not feel respected by their parents tend to

take things personally later in life. They may make a big $scene$ oversomething which to other people would seem small. They do this becausethey are in pain from the lack of respect which they are still feeling , onewhich originated many years earlier, but likely was not allowed to beexpressed.

They may demand to be respected by their employees, their children, theirstudents and the sales clerks in the supermarket. They make seek positions ofpower where they have authority over others as a way of trying to fill their unmetneed for respect. *ut when they are in positions of authority it is easy for them toconfuse respect and fear. &hen they are feared, they are not respected. &hen

they try to use authority and fear as a substitute they find that they still feelunfulfilled since you can never get enough of a substitute.

On the other hand, another consequence might be that they have such low self-esteems that they never feel worthy of respect. n this case they will let people ta!eadvantage of them, abuse them and manipulate them.

"espect, )ear and Control in Education and Society

In many countries it is now illegal to hit children in school. In some countries, suchas weden, it is also illegal to hit them in their homes. $ne result of this shift in

social thinking is that children are becoming less afraid of their teachers, and ofauthority in general. In the past, the fear of physical punishment was often one ofthe main ways of maintaining control of the classroom and of society.

The trend in many countries is away from this form of control. I support this trend,but at the same time I am afraid we have taken away one method of control withoutreplacing it with a better one. &e have told the teachers you can no longer hit thechildren. *ut we did not tell them what to do instead. The result, according to manyteachers, is sometimes chaos. &hat is needed is another basis of control.

I believe that respect is this other basis of control. *ut this respect must be earned

and it must be mutual. It cannot be forced or demanded. It must not be confusedwith fear. If we confuse fear and respect we are returning to the use of fear. eesections on this confusion and on how to earn respect-

I believe there is actually an inverse relationship between respect and fear . &herethe student feels afraid of teacher K, there is likely to be little respect for theteacher. If you now remove the fear from the equation, the student has neither fearof, nor respect for, teacher K. (ow teacher K has lost control of the class. *ut if theteacher has earned the respect of his students, he still has a basis of control, evenwhen the threat of physical punishment is removed. Therefore he can be expected

http://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Confusion%20Between%20Respect,%20Obedience%20and%20Fear%23Confusion%20Between%20Respect,%20Obedience%20and%20Fearhttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Showing%20and%20Earning%20Respect%23Showing%20and%20Earning%20Respecthttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#The%20Inverse%20Relationship%20Between%20Fear%20and%20Respect%23The%20Inverse%20Relationship%20Between%20Fear%20and%20Respecthttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Confusion%20Between%20Respect,%20Obedience%20and%20Fear%23Confusion%20Between%20Respect,%20Obedience%20and%20Fearhttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Showing%20and%20Earning%20Respect%23Showing%20and%20Earning%20Respecthttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#The%20Inverse%20Relationship%20Between%20Fear%20and%20Respect%23The%20Inverse%20Relationship%20Between%20Fear%20and%20Respect


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to have fewer problems maintaining control of the classroom. In fact, this seems tobe the case in actual practice. +any educators have told me that the teachers whoshow respect to students have lower levels of discipline and control problems ascompared to teachers who use punishment and threats. ee also "uthority, earand !espect-

If a child or teenager is treated with respect at home, it is likely he will respondpositively to being treated with respect at school. *ut if he is hit at home and heknows that he can't be hit at school, the teacher's ob will be more difficult. This isone reason why I believe it is important that we train all teachers in how to earn therespect of their students as part of their own formal education. Ideally, I would alsolike to see all parents and future parents trained in how to earn the respect of theirchildren. ome, of course, can do this naturally, but I believe most people coulduse some formal training.

!utside of the home, teachers are one of the first representativesof authority in society. If they earn the respect of their students,

the students are likely to respect others in positions of authorityand society will tend to function a bit more smoothly.

"espect, Education and Teacher Training

I have noticed that one of the quickest ways to start a heated discussion withteachers is to ask them if they believe students should respect a teacher ustbecause the teacher is a teacher, or if a teacher has to earn the respect of thestudents.

To me the answer is clearly the latter. *ut the fact that there are still many teacherswho believe the former suggest that there is a serious shortcoming in the teachertraining process.

I also believe that teacher training programs, for example in a typical university, donot show future teachers how to earn the respect and cooperation of the students.They are then significantly unprepared when they reach the classrooms.

urther, I suspect that if a person begins studying to become a teacher with thebelief that teachers should be respected or obeyed, ust because of their positionas a teacher, it will be very hard to change this belief. &hat might be needed then,

is some way of filtering prospective teachers based on their beliefs. &hile this ideamay make some people feel uncomfortable, the reality is that a person's beliefs dosignificantly affect their attitudes, and attitudes affect the classroom environment.*eliefs also affect a person's ability to be taught new things, especially new ideas.

"t present the teacher training programs I am familiar with do not test a futureteacher for their open#mindedness. Instead, I am afraid that their ability to adapt tothe status quo is much more highly valued. +uch depends, of course, on thepeople who design and control the teacher training curriculums and the admissionsand graduation processes. Their beliefs will obviously affect the system itself and

http://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Authority,%20Fear%20and%20Respect%23Authority,%20Fear%20and%20Respecthttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Authority,%20Fear%20and%20Respect%23Authority,%20Fear%20and%20Respecthttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Authority,%20Fear%20and%20Respect%23Authority,%20Fear%20and%20Respecthttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Authority,%20Fear%20and%20Respect%23Authority,%20Fear%20and%20Respect


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the future teachers created by the system.

I also suspect that if a teacher or future teacher is emotionally needy, and theyhave an unmet emotional need to feel in control or to feel important, it will bealmost impossible for them to treat students with respect regardless of their trainingand preparation. I would suggest that such people really do not belong in the

educational system and society will be better off if they are replaced by moreemotionally secure individuals and administrators-.

$n the other hand, I also believe there are many teachers and future teachers whoagree that respect needs to be earned, so they ust need to be offered practicalskills to help them learn how to do this.

. 1ein;anuary 3@, :55G

STO"(ES A+OUT "ES.ECT

0- 1ou got to show *olks some respect

)very human needs to feel respected, even the least powerful. &e might evensay, especially the least powerful.-

This point was etched into my brain when I saw a homeless man soliciting thepatrons of a fast food restaurant in lorida. The cashier, a street#wise (ew 9orker,loudly and coldly told the man that he needed to leave. )veryone in the restaurantlooked up to see what was happening. I suspect the man felt embarrassed,humiliated, reected and attacked. I was surprised, though, at how defensively he

reacted. 1e chastised the cashier for her manner of speaking to him and said,among other things, %9ou got to show folks some respect, sister. That ain't no wayto be speakin' to nobodyL%

&hile the cashier and the man argued, I felt empathy for both of them. I couldunderstand both of their perspectives. I felt a small amount of fear that the situationwas escalating out of control as they both raised their voices. I realized that by notshowing respect for the man's feelings, by defending herself and invalidating him-she actually was causing more problems for herself and causing more of adisturbance in the restaurant. In other words, she was acting counter#productively./learly, everyone, even the homeless street person, needs to feel respected.

!espect is one of those words that is so widely used it has many differentmeanings to different people. &e all seem to know it is important to respect eachother, but I am not sure we could all agree on ust what respect actually is.

. 1eineptember, 344B/learwater, lorida


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2- "espect, )ear and Emotional )alseness

)ather3 If you ever come home late again, you are never going to get to use thecar again.

Son3 $k. $k.

)ather3 8on't talk to me like thatL

1ow does the father feel when he is saying %8on't talk to me like that%D

+ost likely he is feeling disrespected. *ut why doesn't the son feel respect for thefather at this momentD 7ossibly because the father is threatening the son.

Threatening someone does not earn their respect. " threat is used to create fear,not respect. o it is natural for the son to feel disrespectful. The father orders the

son not to talk to him like that. *y doing so he is encouraging emotional falseness.1e wants the son to talk to him in a respectful tone, but the son does not feelrespect for the father at that moment.

*y doing so he creates more fear, not more respect.

4- Slapping, )ear and "espect

$ne day I talked to a couple from Ireland who had two adolescent age daughters. Isaid, %ince you are parents, I have a question for you about raising children. I ustgot this email from a friend of mine who is 3G. he said her mother slapped her last

week because she %talked back% to her. he asked me what gives her mother theright to do this. he said that if she didn't like what someone at a store said, shewould not be able to reach out and slap the sales clerk. he said that would beillegal. &hat do you think about thisD 8o you think it is ever necessary to slap ateenage girlD 8o you know if it is legal to slap your daughter in IrelandD%

The mother answered by saying, %&ell, you need to be able to correct yourchildren. o yes, I'd say it is legal.%

I then said, %I agree that parents need to be able to correct their children, but itseems to me that 3G is a bit old to still be slapping your child. &hat do you thinkD%

he said, %&ell, yes, I suppose it is. If you haven't been able to teach your childrespect by that age then there is probably something wrong.%

o I am wondering now... If a mother slaps her daughter to %correct% her is sheteaching respect... or fearD


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5- "espect and "omance

" woman I will call %/oncerned% is going to see her new partner this weekend. hehas been feeling concerned about their relationship. " key issue is that she doesn'tfeel very respected by him and she would like him to do some things differently. Inthis dialogue we are discussing how to present her concerns.

teve 1ow much do you feel respected by him right now, from 5#35D

/oncerned "bout B.

teve "nd how do you think he would feel if you told him thatD

/oncerned 1e could possibly feel defensive, or curious, or sad.

teve &hat could you say to make him feel more defensiveD

/oncerned1mm. &ell, I could say, %I only feel respected B out of 35.% or I couldsay,%9ou know, the way you treat me, I only feel respected B out of 35.%

teve $kay. Then what could you say to make him feel more curiousD

/oncerned&ell, I could say it like this, %9ou know my friend and I were talkingandhe asked me how much I felt respected by you from 5#35.%

teve $k. &hat about sadD

/oncerned

&ell, I might say something like, %1ow much do you feel respectedby me,from 5#35D% Then we could talk about his feelings first, like what I

coulddo so he would feel more respected. Then he would probably askme laterhow much I felt respected by him, and when I told him the truth hewouldprobably feel sad and curious. Then he would probably ask what hecoulddo to help me feel more respected.

&e both agreed this last idea was a good one.

6- "espect and Culture

In another story about respect and romance on this page I discussed my friendwho I called %/oncerned.% In that story she was preparing to have a discussion withabout respect with someone who she had recently started dating. "fter she hadthis discussion we talked again. &hen she met her partner she tried to use the 5#35 scale to determine how much her partner felt respected. he hoped he wouldthen ask her how much she felt respected. 1er partner told her though, that %youcannot put a number on feelings.% 1e also told her that if you like and love

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someone you ust automatically respect them. 1e told her that people in his culturedid not measure feelings with numbers. 1e said this might be something people doin the &est, but not in his culture. 1e said in his culture one %feels with the heartand not with mathematics.% This seemed to me a bit like saying one measures theoutside temperature with the body, instead of with a thermometer. It is not the firsttime, though, that I have heard something like this, so it is something which must

be considered.

It also raises several issues. irst, what is respectD "re there different culturaldefinitionsD "re there different personal definitionsD

It also suggests that in a relationship of any kind, but especially an intimate orromantic relationship, it is important to discuss the definition of respect. It isimportant to find a common ground to be able to continue the discussion.

lso, a big part of respect, at least as I see it, is accepting someone. Thisimplies then that to respect someone we must even accept that they might have a

different definition of respect.

inally, the idea that %one feels with the heart and not with mathematics,% brings tomind the +ayer#alovey definition of emotional intelligence. see my adaptation oftheir model- "t the very core of this definition is the relationship between the %heart%and the intellect. "ccording to +ayer and alovey, emotional intelligence combinesfeelings and reason. It seems to me that assigning numbers to feelings anddiscussing them rationally is a perfect practical application of the +ayer#aloveyacademic model. *ut from this discussion I see that this concept may not work atall in some cultures, or at least for some individuals.

7- "espect, Oedience and )ear

"nother example of the relationship between respect, obedience and fear is seenin a parent who uses threats to try to control their child's behavior. " question worthasking is2 8oes that parent want the child to respect or obey themD +ost parentswould say2 %$f course I want my children to respect me.% Then I thought about whysome parents fail to earn the respect of their children, and instead have to rely onfear to try to control them. "nd I thought2 %&hat happens when your children arenot afraid of you anymoreD%

(ext I thought about a hypothetical conversation with a parent who might say2 %I

know how to frighten my children. That is easy. *ut how do I earn their respectD%

Then I thought, %"nyone can frighten a child, but not everyone knows how to earntheir respect.%

Therefore, we must teach the parents, teachers and perhaps the world's politicalleaders. &e can't hold them responsible for something which was never taughtthem.

http://core.eqi.org/4bmodel.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/4bmodel.htm


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8- 'hy One Teen )eels "espected

$nce I asked a 3A year old why she feels respected by me. 1ere is ourconversation. k ok-

Steve

says:hi b

Briarsays:

hi

Steve

says:I just wrote u

Briar

says:

Steve

says:te!! me when u have read it

Briarsays:

Steve

says:thans

Briarsays:

about the "uestion #how much do u $ee! respected by me %&'% and why(#

'% because you take the time to listen to my problems and you don't criticize me because of them and you don't try to force me to do

anything that I don't want to do

Steve

says:o

Briar

says:)smi!e)

Steve

says

thans

)smi!e)

4his conversation as on Au#ust *& 00 ith 8riar Fit9#erad o! :ntario& ;anada, ( have

used her rea name ith her permission,

9- Another e%ample o* con*using respect and oedience

Today I was talking to a teacher in her mid twenties. he said %I think the studentsshould ust respect me and do as they are told.%

Au#ust $*& 00, 8russes,

)rom a 06 1ear Old


19/83

1ere are the words of a 3A year old2

or most teachers I know, respect is automaticallyassociated with ''treating people in position ofauthority like gods''.

&hen someones tells me to ''show some respect'' itmakes me rage.

They think they have the right not to respect us, butbecause we're young we must act like they merit ourrespectD

)eeling disrespected at age 20

*ased on a true story-

&hen (athalie was home visiting her parents she called her grandmother. &hilethey were talking, the father came in and heard who she was talking to. 1e pushedthe speaker button on the telephone so he and his wife could hear the wholeconversation. (athalie pushed the button back off. he wanted to have a privateconversation with her grandmother. =ater she asked her father to please not dothat while she was talking. The father got defensive and said things like, %*ut weare all part of the same family. )verything should be open within the family. Thereshould be no need to hide anything. If you don't want others to hear whatgrandmother is saying then you must have something to hide.%

(athalie told her father that she didn't have anything to hide, but that she felt a littledisrespected when he simply pushed the button without asking her first. 1er fathergot even more defensive and said, %That has nothing to do with respect. There isno reason for you to feel disrespected. $f course I respect you. It is normal forpeople in the same family to share everything. =ately you are always accusing your mother and I of not respecting you. 1ow could you possibly say that when it is notat all trueD &hat is the matter with you, (athalieD &here are you getting thesestrange ideasD &hat are they teaching you at that universityD &hy do you takeeverything so personallyD ometimes I think you really need to see a psychologistfor your problems.%

Then he walked away.

)eeling :isrespected at age 07

*ased on a true story-

$ne week I was staying at a relative's house. I was using the computer in the 3Byear old's room. The father came in and we started talking. 1e was telling me how


20/83

his son had made some of the furniture in the room. $ne of the things he madewas a small table. $n the table was a cloth cover. 1e took off the photograph andthe other things on top of the table, then took off the cover, saying, %I don't knowwhy he has this covered up. I like the way the natural wood looks.% 1e folded upthe cloth cover and put it on his desk. It was hard for me to believe my eyes. I wasso stunned I couldn't even think of what to say. "ll I could think of was, %...but it is

not your roomL%

&hen the son came home he immediately noticed the change and he asked meabout it. I explained and asked how he felt about it. 1e rolled his eyes, shook hishead and said, %1e does that kind of thing all the time. 1e also comes in andmakes my bed even though I have told him I don't like it. It is ust another one ofthe many reasons I don't feel respected by him.%

&e 8on't eel !espected &hen...

'e :on;t )eel "espected 'hen---

&e are forced

&e are ignored

&e are threatened

&e feel imposed upon

&e feel intruded upon

&e feel udged or reected

&e are not listened to

&e are lied to

&e are lied about

&e are not cared about

&e are mocked

&e are stereotyped

&e are underestimated

&e are not taken seriously

$ur feelings are not taken seriously

$ur preferences are not taken seriously

$ur dreams are not taken seriously

$ur ideas are not taken seriously

$ur needs are not acknowledged

&e are not asked for our ideas

$thers make decisions about uswithout our input

$thers do not try to understand us

$thers make assumptions about us

&e are not asked what we think we need

$thers tell us what they think we need.

&e are not asked how we feel

$thers believe they know what is best for us

$thers believe they know us better


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&e are not given reasonable explanations

&e are not asked for our opinions

&e are invalidated

&e are interrupted

&e are laughed atespecially when we are upset or in pain or some kind of trouble-

and not taken seriously

$ur questions are not taken seriously

$ur questions are not answered orare evaded

&e are told that we wouldn't be able toto understand something (ote-

than we know ourselves

$ur way of doing things is not accepted

$ur privacy is invaded or denied

&e feel betrayed

&e feel controlled.

(ote on being told we wouldn't be able to understand M

&e might be told that we can't understand because we are %too young% or %too old% or because we are %a man% or %a woman%

or a member of some other stereotyped group.

Earning "espect--- or Con*using it '(th )ear and Oedience

Cideo of "merican police officer and 3@ year old

:n hod

Respect / Son#.ram Day < Peru

*ome

Caring

/aring vs. /ontrol

Other Core

Topics

Respect |Empathy

http://core.eqi.org/invalid.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Note%20on%20being%20told%20we%20wouldn't%20be%20able%20to%20understand%23Note%20on%20being%20told%20we%20wouldn't%20be%20able%20to%20understandhttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Note%20on%20being%20told%20we%20wouldn't%20be%20able%20to%20understand%23Note%20on%20being%20told%20we%20wouldn't%20be%20able%20to%20understandhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jgz22IF5ig0http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jgz22IF5ig0http://core.eqi.org/index.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/caring.htm#Caring%20vs.%20Control%23Caring%20vs.%20Controlhttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/empathy.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/invalid.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Note%20on%20being%20told%20we%20wouldn't%20be%20able%20to%20understand%23Note%20on%20being%20told%20we%20wouldn't%20be%20able%20to%20understandhttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm#Note%20on%20being%20told%20we%20wouldn't%20be%20able%20to%20understand%23Note%20on%20being%20told%20we%20wouldn't%20be%20able%20to%20understandhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jgz22IF5ig0http://core.eqi.org/index.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/caring.htm#Caring%20vs.%20Control%23Caring%20vs.%20Controlhttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/empathy.htm


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7eople &ho "ren't /ared "bout 8on't /are

They 8on't /are 1ow +uch 9ou Nnow 6ntil...

panish vs. )nglish

/aring, !egret, /hange

/aring vs Nnowledge

/aring "t &ork

Caring |Listening

Understanding

Free EQ for

Everybody Book

Caring vs- Control

$ne thing I've clearly noticed in my travels is the contrast betweencaring and control. "n example of this was in Tallin, )stonia in :55Fwhere I was once talking with a few young people. They were allstudents either in high school or university. They were sitting aroundsmoking, drinking and talking in a park # ust %hanging out.%

&hile we were talking they saw a police officer in the distance. Theyquickly started putting out their cigarettes and hiding their beer.

They told me that there was a new law which prohibited drinkingand smoking in the parks in the center of town. They said the lawwas designed to create a better image of the city for the tourists.

I knew some of the people in the group. ome had come frombroken homes. $ne student's father had killed himself. "nother

student's father was an alcoholic. I knew that these youngpeople needed someone to care about them, someone tolisten to them, get to know them and take an interest in

them. (ormally this would be the ob of their parents. *ut I knewtheir parents hadn't been able to do that ob as well as needed, for one reason or another. I also knew the police officer who they wereafraid of had the power to control them by putting them in ail for breaking the new law. "nd I knew it was not his ob to care aboutthem. That is not what society pays police officers to do. "t least notat this point in history.

I wonder what the world would be like if we had more roaming social

http://core.eqi.org/caring.htm#People%20Who%20Aren't%20Cared%20About%20Don't%20Care%23People%20Who%20Aren't%20Cared%20About%20Don't%20Carehttp://core.eqi.org/caring.htm#Knowing%20vs%20Caring%23Knowing%20vs%20Caringhttp://core.eqi.org/caring.htm#Spanish%20vs.%20English%23Spanish%20vs.%20Englishhttp://core.eqi.org/caring.htm#Caring,%20Regret,%20Change%23Caring,%20Regret,%20Changehttp://core.eqi.org/caring.htm#Caring%20vs%20Knowledge%23Caring%20vs%20Knowledgehttp://core.eqi.org/caring.htm#Caring%20At%20Work%23Caring%20At%20Workhttp://core.eqi.org/caring.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/listen.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/und1.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/free_eqe_book.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/free_eqe_book.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/caring.htm#People%20Who%20Aren't%20Cared%20About%20Don't%20Care%23People%20Who%20Aren't%20Cared%20About%20Don't%20Carehttp://core.eqi.org/caring.htm#Knowing%20vs%20Caring%23Knowing%20vs%20Caringhttp://core.eqi.org/caring.htm#Spanish%20vs.%20English%23Spanish%20vs.%20Englishhttp://core.eqi.org/caring.htm#Caring,%20Regret,%20Change%23Caring,%20Regret,%20Changehttp://core.eqi.org/caring.htm#Caring%20vs%20Knowledge%23Caring%20vs%20Knowledgehttp://core.eqi.org/caring.htm#Caring%20At%20Work%23Caring%20At%20Workhttp://core.eqi.org/caring.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/listen.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/und1.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/free_eqe_book.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/free_eqe_book.htm


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workers who would stop by and have a chat with young people likethis ## who would take time and get to know them and their needs.The students told me they had nowhere central to ust hang out withand talk to their friends like they had been doing. They saidespecially in the winter, when it was bitter cold, they needed a

warm, dry place to ust meet and socialize but they only had theparks. (ow they were afraid to meet there in some of those parksmost convenient to them.

I also wonder what the world would be like if we simply had morepeople who cared about us and fewer people who controlled us.

. 1ein

.eople 'ho Aren;t Cared Aout :on;t Care

" friend said this as we walked through a city in former 9ugoslaviaas he looked at all the broken glass and trash.

=ater I searched his words on 0oogle, thinking it was a famousquote. *ut to my surprise, these words could be found nowhere elsewhen this page was created.

I then searched these similar words %7eople who don't feel caredabout...% and found these results, among others.....

# !emember, people who don't feel cared about don"t care aboutothers. 9ou have the power to renew these students' faith in thesystem and.. 6 /ommittee hearing transcript-

# !esearch confirms that people who don"t feel cared about asindividuals at work are more likely to be disengaged, distrust theirbosses, and display less than trustworthy behaviors--


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isn't important to me.%

This is interesting, though, because it helps us see the closerelationship between feeling cared about by someone and feelingimportant to them. If someone doesn't care how you feel, it seems

fair to say you can't be very important to them. $r, to put it anotherway, if your feelings are not important to them, then OyouO are notimportant to them.

In panish there is another translation of caring which is %cuidar.%That means something like %to take care of%. or example you mightsay to someone, %/uidate% which means something like %Take careof yourself.% $r if you wanted to say %+y mother takes care of me%you would say %mi madre me cuida%. *ut this is more like she%protects me% or she %keeps me safe%. It still is not the same as the

)nglish expression to care about someone or to care how someonefeels.

=nowing vs- Caring

9ears ago I heard something on which I have never forgotten. Itwent something like this2

#ids don"t care how much you !now until they !now howmuch you care .

rom my work in youth suicide prevention, I think we can also say2

$uicidal youth don"t care how much you !now until they !now howmuch you care

&hen you are in physical pain, you might be more concerned with adoctor's knowledge so you will feel confident he or she will know

how to stop the pain. *ut people in extreme emotional pain, peoplewho are suicidal for emotional reasons, want to know someonecares about them. In other words, they want to feel cared about.They want to feel important. They want, and need, to feelunderstood.

These feelings ## caring, importance, understanding ## only comewith human connections. 'hen the human connections aren;tthere, there is no convincing reason *or them to want to stay


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alive-

This reminds one of the saying2 %ou can"t heal an emotional woundwith logic.

The importance of caring also applies to the very young. " baby, forexample, can't even understand the words you are saying. *ut ababy, ust like a child, or a teenager, can feel how you are feeling.

"nd they can sense when they feel cared about, safe, afraid orloved.

&hen we do feel cared about, a strong connection is made throughwhich knowledge can be transferred smoothly. This is why teacherswho care about their students produce not only better academicresults, but also more empathetic and humane adults.

Article y a Sustitute Teacher

The (mportance o* Caring*y +s. /hrysler

)veryone from Teddy !oosevelt to ;ohn /. +axwell has beenattributed with coining the phrase %7eople wonPt care how much youknow until they know how much you care. % ItPs been repeated often

enough to become a well#known truism, especially in education. "fter working in a high school classroom for over two months, I nowrealize why itPs so often said.

" couple of weeks ago, I finished my stint as a high school teacherand lived to tell about it. In retrospect, it seems a surrealexperience. 8id I really teach high school for over two monthsD +eD

&ell, yes, I did, as the pictures found here will confirm.

I learned a heck of a lotQabout teaching, myself, and the kids. Ilearned how much I donPt know and that teaching is hard work. Italso had rewarding moments.

1ere are a few memories that stand out2

The girl who entered my classroom every day downcast andcomplaining about a variety of physical ailments. I learned that her


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mother had had a massive heart attack a year ago and her fatherlives in a nearby town with his girlfriend. +y student has no contactwith her father< she said they donPt get along. "fter severalconversations, I learned that she was worried that her mom wouldhave another heart attack and that there would be no one left to

care for her and her younger brother. I spent a lot of time trying toencourage her.

The =atino student who continually paid me compliments. $ne dayhe told me that I had Rnicely shaped eyebrows.S That was a first forme. R6h . . . . thank you,S I replied. 1e asked, R8o you wax themDSR(o.S R$h, I get mine waxed at such#and#such place,S he offered.IPve since learned about the male eyebrow grooming ritual calledRmanscaping.S-. "nother day he remarked on the color of my shirtand that it looked nice on me. (o, he wasnPt another )ddie 1askell

Qthat was an entirely different student.-.

&hen he didnPt come to class one day, I made sure to ask himwhere he was when I saw him again. R&ell, IPm not going to lie toyou, +s. /hrysler. I was with my girlfriend. he was having anultrasound.S R$h, I see,S I said as I thought about what to say next.R9eah, shePs pregnant,S he added, R*ut IPm gonna stick with herthrough this thing.S

&e had a talk about responsibility and I tried to encourage him bysaying that, although life was going to be hard for awhile, he couldget through this. 1e held out his clenched hand to knock hisknuckles against mine and said, R+s. /hrysler, youPre =)#0IT.S Ihave to admit that his friendly demeanor was a welcome changefrom some of the more surly students, even if I did have to tell himto clean up your languageP one too many times. The last day ofclass, he extended the ultimate compliment2 R+s. /hrysler, Iprobably shouldnPt say this, but . . . youPre a *"8"LS 1igh praiseindeed.

The young =atino in my ales ? +arketing class who was barelypassing, although it wasnPt for lack of effort. I could tell that hewanted to do well. I had been instructed to give him verbaldirections when assigning proects, since he couldnPt read as well asmost of the others. " week before graduation, I learned that hisfather was dying of a brain tumor and that he and his brother wouldmiss school that week. 1owever, he very much wanted to graduate.


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"fter consulting with his counselor, I excused him from the finalproect and exam. 1e squeaked by and was able to graduate ustdays after his father passed away. I was touched when he came toclass that week and asked me to sign his annual. 1e told me that hewanted to be an auto mechanic and open his own shop one day. +y

heart ached for him. I hope he achieves his dream.

t is true&!ids really don't care how much you !now until they !now how much you care.

#

$riginally found on runningtheraceblog.com. "s of ;une :53: linkbroken.

Caring At 'ork

)xcerpts from2'inning at 'orking3 The 'hole .erson

by (an !ussell

1enry ord is reported to have quipped, %&hy is it that I always getthe whole person when what I really want is a pair of handsD% The:3st century version doesn't sound quite like that, but its essence

prevails in plenty of workplaces.

The functional equivalent of ord's thinking is housed in statementsfrom supervisors, managers, and coworkers like2 %&hat do youmean her kid is sick again, and I have to do her workD% %I know he'shaving a rough time at home, but he has to leave it at the door.% $r%I'm sorry his father died and he needs more time off to travel to thefuneral, but what am I suppose to do about the policyD%

It may seem like the right approach is to distance ourselves at work<to hire the %hands% or the %heads% or the %voices% to do what needsto be done and keep the %real% person out of the mix. *ut keepingpeople's emotions, feelings, thoughts, weekend happenings,families, and interests away from the workplace is a bad businessdecision.

9ou see, people work for people, not for companies. &e all needa connection to the whole, to be appreciated, or to know someone


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think of how teachers in a school might insist that one childapologize to another, yet the first one feels neither regret nor

empathy. This is a good example that you can force behavior,but not the underlying feelings.

This simple truth, that you can force behavior but not feelings, is thebasis of many social problems. It is so simple, yet it is so oftenoverlooked, forgotten, or never realized.

Throughout our lives people want us to behave a certain way. Theyuse many tactics, strategies and methods to get us to do so. Theoverwhelming emphasis in psychology has been on behavior.*ehavior modification. *ehavior control. *ehavioral therapy./onditioning. 7unishment and rewards.

*ehavior is easier to see, measure, and quantify. $ne person'sbehavior serves another. The behavior of the worker serves theemployer. The behavior of the citizens serves the rulers andpoliticians. The behavior of the slave serves the needs and desiresof the master.

"n important question to always remember to ask ourselves is28oes the master care about how the slave feelsD 8oes the bosscare how the worker feelsD 8oes the teacher care how the student

feelsD 8oes the parent care how the child or teen feelsD

)etting bac! to apologies and forgiveness, it is much easier for ateacher to get one child to apologize to another, than for her to getthe child to really feel regret and remorse for their action. n otherwords, it is easier to force the behavior the teacher wants than toforce the feelings. *e might say then that in general it is easier toforce behavior than feelings. *e might also say it is easier tocontrol behavior than feelings.

ince it is natural for most humans to do what is easier and quicker,it makes sense that so much of human history and humaninteraction is based on behavior control. *ut what then of feelingsD'hat happens when the *eelings don;t match the ehavior

&hat happens is that our emotional needs get neglected on amassive scale. &hen needs are not met, problems follow ust assurely as water flows downhill.

http://core.eqi.org/needs.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/needs.htm


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$ur feelings are indicators of the state of our emotional needs.*hen an emotional need is unmet, our bodies send us a signal, just as when we are hungry, our bodies alert us. *hen emotional needsare unmet we feel dissatisfied, frustrated, discontent. *hen our

emotional needs are met, satisfied or filled, we feel content,satisfied, good.

"s a way of summarizing, here are some points to remember2

3. incere apologies are very powerful.

:. incere apologies arise from sincere feelings.

>. &hile behavior can be forced, sincere feelings, and therefore,

sincerity itself, cannot.

@. &hen behavior is controlled without regard for the underlyingfeelings, emotional needs get neglected.

A. &hen emotional needs are not met, personal and socialproblems quickly follow.

Caring vs =nowledge

Today when I was thinking about how I could best help an onlinefriend of mine, I remembered this...%#eople don't care how muchyou know, until they know how much you care.$

I have discussed this above, but here are more thoughts on thisidea.

I might have a lot of knowledge, but if people don't feel cared about,they may not be open to my knowledge, even knowledge which

could help them, or even save their lives, if not lot of money orsuffering.

=et's say you take your laptop to someone who is a computergenius. 1e knows how to fix anything, so you ask him if he can helpyou get rid of a virus. 1e says yes, then he takes your laptop out ofyour hands and walks away. 9ou try to follow him and he says,%&ait a few minutes. This won't take long.% Then you say, %*ut Iwould like to see how you do it so I can learn, and also I don't feel


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he is %"818.% I asked her what she meant by that and she said, %1e won't listen.%&hen I asked her to explain further she said, %9ou tell him not to do something and hedoes it anyhow.% In a playfully provoking tone, I asked her why she thought he shouldlisten to her.

he smiled defensively and looked away as she realized she didn't have a goodanswer. The best she could come up with was, %*ecause I am his older sister.% I said,%o...D% he laughed, and I left it at that. I wonder, though, what she would say hadwe continued the conversation. I am really curious why different people think others%should% listen to them.

Two days later I had a conversation with someone whose parents are from amoa.he told me that in the amoan culture you are taught to %respect your elders.% hesaid at the dinner table young people usually don't talk< only the %elders% talk,and young people are expected to listen quietly without making a contribution to the

discussion.

he said she was never asked her opinion about anything and her feelings were notconsidered important to her parents. he said it is a primitive society. he also saidwomen are not treated with respect there, and for those reasons she would not want toraise her children in a place like that.

Talking to her helped me understand why some people think others %should% listen tothem. It seems this is largely ust custom, culture and tradition. I wonder what a societywould be like if it were the cultural norm to listen to those people we commonly callchildren, teenagers and students... and then take what they say seriously.

=ater in the week, I saw how a primary school teacher used the word %listen.% "t thetime, she was frustrated because she was getting behind in her lesson plan. he wasalso starting to feel out of control. he had ust come back from gathering up two boyswho did not return to the class after the lunch break bell had been rung.

he was nearly dragging one, "bdul, by the hand, while lecturing to him most of theway. &hen she got back to class she tried to get 3G people, ages A and B, to sit on the

floor ## where she wanted and how she wanted ## in preparation for her reading a storyabout a father taking his son fishing. 1er attempts at controlling these 3G people tookher a lot of time and she was getting more and more stressed and further behind in herlesson plan.

"s she read she would stop frequently to give orders to the people on the floor. hewould say things like, %7ut that down.% %it up properly.% %)yes up here.% %+ove overhere by me.% %0o sit in the back by yourself.% %8on't walk through the groupL I wanted


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you to walk around the outsideL%

"fter directing several such instructions towards "bdul, she snapped at him, saying,%"bdul, tand upL 9ou are not listening to meL The next time I have to speak to you, youare going to be sent out of the room. 8o you understand thatD =ook at meL 8o you

understand thatDL%

I think what she actually meant was that he was not obeying her by sitting quietly andmotionless, with his eyes on her while she tried to read the story. I could understandwhy "bdul was not looking at her because the story was not interesting to him. hetried to make it more interesting by exaggerating her voice as she read, but I think thismight have only made it more obvious to him and others that the story was not veryimportant or relevant to them in its own right. "s I looked around the room in fact, Iwould say only about half the people were interested in the story, which explained whyso many of them were looking elsewhere and finding other things to do.

8uring the story telling, I noticed something else. There was a boy named ;esse whothe teacher said was %"818.% The way she said it was as if she were branding him forlife as a problem child. I paid close attention to ;esse and we immediately connected. Isaw myself in him and have little doubt that if I were in school now I would also belabeled as %"818%.

$ne of the most fascinating things I witnessed while watching ;esse was when theteacher asked, %1ave any of you gone fishing with your fathersD% "t this point ;esselooked like he was not paying any attention at all. 1e had been crawling all around, notkeeping his eyes on the teacher for more than a few seconds after each time shecommanded him to. *ut when she asked the question, %1ave any of you gone fishingwith your fathersD%, ;esse was one of the first, if not the very first, to shoot up his handand say, %I have.%

1is ability to listen when not appearing to ## what I might call his multi#tasking ability ##was shown again when she was handing out writing books. "t this point ;esse wasliterally crawling under one of the tables, but as soon as he heard his name called, hecame out and went to get his book.

"nother example of how someone used the word %listen% was ust last night. I wastalking to an 3G year old student from 1olland. he was considering studyingpsychology. he said there are some students who %won't listen% to the teachers whenthe teacher tells them to be quiet.

"ll of this made me realize there is a difference between listening and obeying. "s withthe difference between respect and obedience, however, one is often used mistakenlyin place of the other. I suppose this is because people like teachers and psychology

http://core.eqi.org/respect.htmhttp://core.eqi.org/respect.htm


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&hen I ask you to listen and you do things which I can and need to do formyself, you hurt my self#esteem.

*ut when you accept the way I feel, then I don't need to spend time andenergy trying to defend myself or convince you, and I can focus on figuring

out why I feel the way I feel and what to do about it.

"nd when I do that, I don't need advice, ust support, trust andencouragement.

7lease remember that what you think are %irrational feelings% always makesense if you take time to listen and understand me.

Vuote by Neith 7earson

isten, (STE#

&hen you listen you affirm mebut your listening must be real

sensitive and seriousnot looking busily around

not with a worried or distracted frownnot preparing what you are going to say next

but giving me your full attention.

9ou are telling me I am a person of valueimportant and worth listening to

one with whom you will share yourself.

I have ideas to sharefeelings which I too often keep to myself

deep questions which struggle inside me for answersI have hopes only tentatively acknowledged

which are not easy to shareand pain and guilt and fear I try to stifle

These are sensitive areas and a real part of mebut it takes courage to confide in another

I need to listen too if we are to become close1ow can I tell you I understandD

I can show interest with my eyes or an occasional wordattuned to pick up not only spoken words


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but also the glimmer of a smilea look of pain, the hesitation, the struggle

which may suggest something as yet too deep for words

o let us take time together

respecting the others' freedomencouraging without hurrying

understanding that some things may never be brought to lightbut others may emerge if given time

)ach through this listening, enriches the other with the priceless gift of intimacy.

##

by Neith 7earson, +elbourne, "ustralia

etter aout istening *rom #orway

1i teve,

Thank you for writing all the articles you have been writing. I never realized how bad a listener I reallywas before coming across your site. It is easy to listen to people when they are happy, but I can count

numerous times where I have ust said to people.. /heer up, look the sky is still blue... Instead ofreally listening to them. $r how many times I have been finding solutions instead of listening...

9our site made me really find a lot of times in my past where I really did these things. (ow I try tofocus on how not to do that anymore.

Neep up the good work... The world really need this, it would be a much better place if we all wouldreally listen and try to understand each other.

;ust last night I was about to leave from a girl's place and I said on the way out 2 %I feel sad% This girl Ilike, but she is not interested in a relationship with me.-. "nd the only reply I got was2 %8on't be sad%.

"fter I felt even worse, because she didn't accept my feelings. I ust wanted to let you know I readyour article %Thanks for listening% and I understand. 1ope to see a lot more articles from you2

*est regards)mil$slo (orway

(ov :55F


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An E%ample o* a @reat istener

1ere is what one member of our teen chat support group said about another member2

...whenever i am upset, i write to en. she's been the best. i dont know how she can resist giving meadvice, but i can't remember even once when she gave me advice. and neither can i remember evenone time when i felt udged by her. that's why i feel so free and safe talking to her.

omething else which makes her a good listener2 she sends me lots of hugs. "nd sends hugs backwhen I send her one.

istening, i*e and :eath $ Tina and +egan +eier

/an the ability to listen make the difference between life and deathD

/onsider this true story2 Tina +eier's daughter, +egan, was extremely upset one day. he tried to gethelp from her mother. *ut Tina felt a greater need to tell +egan what to do than did to ust listen.

"s I watch this video I wonder whether it might have saved +egan's life if the mother had ust listened

(otice also that the mother confuses %listening% with %obeying% when she says, %I was upset that shedidn't listen to me and sign off when I told her to.%

istening, i*e and :eath $ +uenos Aires Suicide Story

/an the ability to listen make the difference between life and deathD I have asked this question inanother article about the suicide of a young girl in the 6", but I want to repeat the question here andtell a true story from my own life.

$nce while living in *uenos "ires I started a friendship with someone. $ne day as we were walkinghe told me how one of his best friends had killed himself ten minutes after talking to him. "t the time Ididn't make any connection in my mind between the two events.

"bout one week later, though, I was feeling very discouraged about something and I went to talk tomy new fr

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