30_Rock_1x01_-_Pilot

8/2/2019 30_Rock_1x01_-_Pilot

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UNTITLED TINA FEY PROJECT

Broadway Video Television

January 24, 2005

pilot

byTina Fey

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. .

COLD OPEN

EXT. H& H BAGELS, BROADWAY -LATE MORNING

LISA LEMON, 34, walks up to the bagel store, reading thepaper, wearing her ipod. Two Upper West Side moms chat,blocking the entrance with their enormous doublestrollers.

MOM 1I nursed Zach til he was 22 months ...

LISAExcuse me ...

MOM 2

Weren't you worried about nippleconfusion?

LISAExcuse me ...

MOM 1No. He went right from my breast to asippy cup.

LISAThat happened to me once. Can I get by?

They still don't hear her.

MOM 2

What about silicone nipple shields?

Lisa has no choice but to back up a few steps and take arunning jump over the children and into the bagel place.The moms are appalled.

MOM 1If you had kids, you would not belaughing!

INT. H&H BAGELS, NEW YORK - MOMENTS LATER

Lisa waits in a long line leading to two registers.

A GUY on a cell phone enters. He ignores the line andgoes up to the other register.

•LISA

Whoa, whoa. Excuse me. There's a line,buddy.

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2.

The guy points to where he's standing.

GUYThere's two lines.

LISANo, what? No. There's one line, we're init.

GUYI don't think so.

The guy goes back to talking on his cell phone. He holdshis finger up to the counter girl to wait.

LISAYou don't think so? You think there'stwo lines and we all chose to be in this

one and you're the only genius who got inthe other line?

(looks to others)Do you believe this guy?

The other people just shrug and avert their eyes. Theback half of the line goes and lines up behind the guy.

LISA (CONT'D)What are you doing?! He screws you overand now you're lining up behind him?

The stroller moms join the back of his line. They stareLisa down.

LISA (CONT'D)Will not one of you stand with me?!

GUY

Hey, shut up--(into his phone)

What kind do you want?

Shut up?!! Lisa is now at the front of her line, boilingmad.

COUNTER GIRLCan I help you?

LISAYeah, I'll take everything. I want everybagel in this place.

(to everyone)I'm buying all the bagels.

•

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3.

Lisa hands her a credit card. The cell phone guy rollsbis eyes.

ALLWhat?! Come on, lady. Baal Etc ...

LISAIt's for the good of everyone!

EXT. BROADWAY. - MOMENTS LATER

"Old Skoal" opening credit sequence to music in the styleof "My Red Letter Day" from The ziegfeld Follies.

A beaming Lisa passes out bagels to everyone she sees.Some people are grateful. Most are mistrustful and throwtbem away as soon as she passes. She heads through townand ends up at 30 ROCKEFELLER PLAZA!

ACT ONE

INT. NBC STUDIOS, NEW YORK - DAY

The studio's homebase set. Workmen are polishing a bigsign that reads, "Friday Night Bits with Jenna DeCarlo. "

Pull back through the picture window to where KENNETH abright and chirpy (Clay Aiken type) NBC page is giving atour. He stands next to a life-size standee of impish

comedian Jenna DeCarlo.

KENNETHAnd this is the set of the "Friday NightBits with Jenna DeCarlo,"

(points to standee)It's a real funny ladies' comedy show forladies.

TOURISTWhat time is it on?

KENNETHFridays at 10. But, seriously, sir, it's

just for ladies. Candy quiz! Cananybody name other shows that only ladieslike?

TOURISTDesperate Housewives?

•\J.""-~"/

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KENNETHYes.

Kenneth throws the guy a piece of candy.

TOURIST 2lISexin The City?"

KENNETHNo.

(throws candy)I'm sorry, it's Sex and the City. I

cannot accept that.

Kenneth does not throw the guy candy.

The elevator doors open and Lisa comes out, carrying onesmall bag of bagels.

KENNETH (CONT'D)Hey, everybody, here's someone you'dnever get to meet. This is the head-writer of Friday Night Bits, Lisa Lemon.

Kenneth claps. The tour group stares blankly. Lisasmiles embarrassedly and waves.

LISAHi.

Beat. A fat kid in the front burps.

INT. STUDIO

Lisa runs into PETE HORNBERGER, 43, her friend andlongtime producer.

PETEWhat's up? Have you looked at that"Judgemental Baby" sketch? Cause it'sstill seven minutes long.

LISAYikes, okay. Hey, you gotta tell thatNBC page to take it down a notch.

PETEWho Kenneth?

•LISA

He just embarrassed me in front of awhole tour group .

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PETEI'll talk to him.

(notices bagels)What's this?

LISA(smiles)

I was in the bagel store and this guycomes in--

INT. WRITERS' ROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER

At a large conference table, TOOFER, 25, an African-American Harvard guy writer and FRANK, 27, a heavysetwriter with long ZZ Top hair and glasses, read thepapers.

In the corner, SARIE, a gorgeous 22 year old assistant(of the spray-tanned platinum-haired Hilton variety)answers the phone.

SARIEFriday Night Bits. Okay, hold on, I'llconnect you.

She somehow looks sexy transferring calls. Toofer andFrank stare at her. Next call.

SARIE (CONT'D)Friday Night Bits. Our fax number?

Sarie kneels backwards on her chair to look at the faxmachine, a lower back tattoo is revealed .. Toofer givesFrank $5 (clearly, they had a bet.)

Lisa enters, finishing her story to Pete.

LISAAnd I was like, "Give me all the bagels,dammit!"

PETE(takes bagel)

Wow. That is the longest stroy I've everhad to listen to to get a free bagel.

Pete continues down the hall. Toofer complains to Lisaimmediately .

•

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T OO FE R

Chumley, you have got to talk to someoneupstairs about getting us a stock of

beverages.

LISAGood morning.

T OO FE R

I mean, surely our massive conglomerateparent company could ~pring for a samovarof coffee.

FRANK

Or, like, a big coffee dispenser.

TO O FE R

That's what a samovar is.

FRANK

Sorry, I wasn't raised gay.

JOSH, 23, enters. He is an adorable young comedian/castmember on "The Jenna DeCarlo Show."

JOSHHey, who does this sound like?

Josh does a flawless imitation of President Bush.

JOSH (CONT'D)"My fellow Americans, the situation in

Iraq grows more tense each day. Theinsurgeons and evil-spreaders has left meno choice but to ask for a do-over."

TOO FER

Martin Van Buren?

FRANK

Ron Jeremy?

Josh is playful, unfazed by their meanness.

JOSHNo, it was supposed to be your mom.

FRANK

No. My mom's voice is way lower .

•

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7.

TOOFER(to Lisa)

Dude, can we at least send out for

coffee?

LISAYeah, but I'm not treating. I just spent

$600 on bagels. Wanna know why?

NO ONE BITES.

ALLNah ... no thanks ... etc.

LISASarie, can we order some coffees?

SARIE

(laying on the couch)Yeah. I'll have a soy latte.

Sarie goes back to her magazine. Lisa looks at her for abeat, then writes down the coffee order herself.

LISASarie, soy latte. Josh?

JOSHLarge oreo brownie mochaccino, please.with whipped cream.

LISA

23. Must be nice. Toofer?

TOOFERShort non-fat Ethiopian Yergacheffe.

FRANK

That's what you are, isn't it?

TOO FER(ignores him)

And if they don't have that blend then,please, just a steamed milk with a skoche

of Amarretto syrup.

LISAYou really are gross.

Toofer smiles and tips an imaginary hat.

LISA (CONT'D)

• Frank?

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8.

FRANKA hamburger.

LISAThat's not ...

FRANKWhat? It's the same price.

LISAFine.

INT. HALLWAY - LATER

Pete gently reprimanding Kenneth the page.

PETE

--and you probably don't need tointroduce the writers to the tour group.

KENNETHI agree. I thought they would find itinteresting, but they really did not. SoI took them downstairs and showed themDebra Norville's private toilet--

CUT TO:

INT. OUTSIDE THE DOOR OF DEBRA NORVILLE'S PRIVATE TOILET.

Kenneth addresses a large tour group outside herbathroom.

KENNETH...to be used by no one but her.

Loud embarrassing toilet sounds emanate from within.

KENNETH (CONT'D)OOPS!

CUT BACK TO:

INT. HALLWAY

•PETE

Yeah, it's been my experience, Kenneth,that people do best with as littleinformation as possible.

(MORE)

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y ~ - . . . . "( ' . P ETE (C ONT' D)

If you pass a celebrity with the tourgroup, just respect their privacy.

KENNETH

I don't know. Conan O'Brien gets realmad if I don't make a big fuss over him.

PETE

Okay, well, feel it out.contact with the person.their facial expression.the attention?

Make eyeTry to readDo they want

KENNETHI promise I'll get it right, Mr.Hornberger.

PETEI'm sure you will.

KENNETH(tearing up)

I just love television so much.

PETEWe all do.

INT. WRITER'S ROOM. - A LITTLE LATER

Lisa and the writers are sitting around the tablerewriting a sketch. But Lisa has stopped to tell themher bagel story.

LISAAnd I was, like, "Screw you! I'm buyingall the bagels!"

The boys are not impressed or interested.

FRANK

That's great. You should make that intoa movie for the Lifetime Network.

TOOFER"All the Bagels: The Lisa Lemon Story."

LISAstarring Linda Hunt. Okay, where werewe?

Frank reads a part aloud .

•

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FRANKBottom of 4. "Hey, kids, who wants a bigbowl of Flakey-o's?"

LISAI don't like "Flakey-o's." What's abetter fake cereal name?

FRANKOat Bung?

T OO F ER

Chocolate Log Jam.

LISACornholes?

FRANK

Sugar Cornholes.

T OO F ER

Frosted mini-guns.

LISA.Meat Puffs?

TOOFER

Kashi Go Poo.

Pete enters. Phone rings. sarie answers it.

LISAPete. Fake cereal name.

PETE

Branfuckers. [bleeped]

LISAWe have a winner.

SARIEPete, they want you and Lisa on the 50thfloor.

PETE

Who, Gary?

T OO F ERGet him to pay for my Samovar.

•LISA

I'll get it. r'll get it right now. I'mstill fired up from my bagel incident .

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Josh is passing through.

JOSH

(to Frank)What bagel incident?

FRANK

If you ask her, I will stab you.

LISAWhat do we want?

TOO FER

A coffee maker, coffee, and an array ofmilks.

FRANK

Three cases of name-brand soda a day.

SARIECable tv.

TOO FERA snack basket.

JOSHCustom made Nikes with the name of theshow on the tongue and our initials onthe heel.

LISAJosh, bend it, don't break it.

INT. ELEVATOR BANK - CONTINUOUS

Pete and Lisa wait for the elevator.

LISAGary will give us all this, right?

PETEOf course he will. He's the nicest man

in the world. Remember when he foundthat baby bird in the park?

•;.

11.

.cUT TO:

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12.

INT. GARY'S OFFICE - THE PAST

C.U. of Gary Luderman,50,

a square-looking corporate guyin a suit. He is intently feeding a baby bird with aneye dropper.

GARY LUDERMANHey, fella. Hey, fella.

(smiles up to the camera)I'm gonna name him Fella.

CUT BACK TO:

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE GARY'S OFFICE.

LISA

(sings)Gary Luderman is the nicest man in thewooorld!

They turn the corner into ...

INT. EXECUTIVE OFFICE - DAY

The whole place is under noisy renovation. Workmeneverywhere.

Pete and Lisa step in to see JACK DONAGHY, 45, handsomeand impeccably dressed, kicks his way into the room

through a partially ripped out wall.

LISAWhere's Gary?

JACKGary's dead. I'm Jack Donaghy. New VPof development forNBC/GE/Universal/Vivendi/Kmart.

PETEWe own Kmart now?

JACKNo, we don't. So why are you dressed

like we do?

Pete and Lisa look at their overly casual work clothes .

•

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INT. WRITERIS ROOM. - SAME TIME

Josh, Toofer and Frank are working. Sarie answers thephone.

SARrEFriday Night Bits.

(beat)This is Sarie.

(exasperated)

Mommy, why are you calling me?

JOSH(to Toofer)

Are you guys just staring at the new .receptionist or are you actually tryingto levitate her with your minds?

TOO FERShhh, I have to hear this.

They eavesdrop on Sarie.

SARIEOf course I showed up for work. Youdonlt have to, like, check on me all thetime.

(quietly)I took the helicopter.

FRANK

(to Josh)Her parents are some rich famous bigshots and they got her this job becausethey want her to learn the value of work.

Sarie takes out her gum, folds it in a dollar bill and

throws it out.

JOSHWho are her parents?

FRANK

She won't say.

TOO FERShe says it would affect the way we treat

her.

•JOSH

No, I would still try to make out with

her.

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14.

FRANK

She doesn't do it for me. My perfectwoman is a standard size 12, still in her

waitress uniform, with her kid asleep inthe next room.

The other two nod in reluctant agreement. That is kindof hot.

INT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME

Kenneth is giving another tour.

KENNETHRockefeller Center was built in the1930's by--anyone?

TOURISTThe Rockefellers?

Kenneth throws the guy a piece of candy_

KENNETHCorrect. Studio BE was constructed in1951 for a show called "The vicks Vap-o-Rub Fun Hour." In the 1970's it was usedfor a talk show by a gentleman named PhilDonahoo. And now it's home to the JennaDeCarlo--

Kenneth sees JENNA DECARLO come off the elevator. He

tries to assess her mood.

She takes off her sunglasses and looks at Kenneth. Shehas a crazy wide-eyed expression that means, "Don'tbother me.1t But her face is so animated and friendlythat Kenneth can't "readll it.

Kenneth smiles at Jenna. Jenna smiles/grimaces back.

There is a back and forth moment of panic between Kennethand Jenna as they try to interpret each others'expressions. Then, one of the tour group recognizes her--

TOURIST 6Hey, that's Jenna DeCarlo!

OTHERSOoh, Jenna DeCarlo! Jenna! Etc .

•

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15.

Flashbulbs. Jenna looks hung-over and disheveled. Theexact opposite of her picture on the standee behind her.She can't help but blurt out her thoughts to the crowd.

JENNAHit let me explain that 11m really hungover right now and that's why I look likethis. But I'm not normally hung over ona Wednesday. I tried a new tapasrestaurant in my neighborhood last nightand the waiter recognized me so he keptgiving me free mojitos-- which doesn'thappen all the time, I'm not like, somegross famous person-- but he keptbringing them and I don't usually drinkhard liquor cause I'm really small an~ Ican get drunk so easily--

(she starts to giggle withembarrassment)

I mean, I don't get drunk frequently.

She grabs the arm of a tourist for emphasis.

)

JENNA (CONT 'D)I'm just saying that if I look a littlegreen there are extenuatingcircumstances.

Jenna exits around a corner. Beat.

KENNETHHow about that? Jenna DeCarlo, every--

Jenna comes back around.

JENNABut I don't want people to think I'm notfriendly. I'm just nauseous and I havestomach issues--

The group nods politely.

JENNA (CONT'D)Okay.

She starts to exit.

JENNA (CONT'D)Forget I said "stomach issues. II Okay.Bye .

•,

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16.

INT. JACKIS OFFICE - A FEW MINUTES LATER

Pete and Lisa sit gingerly on the edge of the couch.Workmen work behind them.

Jack sits at his desk which has a lot of exposed wires

hanging over it. Nearby we see the legs of a workman ona ladder.

PETE11m surprised you're renovating. This issuch a nice office.

JACKIt's a great office. But sometimes you

have to change things that are perfectlygood just to make them your own.

Pete and Lisa look a little worried.

Jack's nerdy MALE ASSISTANT appears and hands Jack a notewritten on a post-it.

t(")\ . . _ . ~ . ) J

JACK (CaNT' D)I'll call her back. Is she at the WhiteHouse number?

Assistant nods. He hands him another post-it.

JACK (CaNT' D)Tell them I need a 4 a.m. tee time.

He hands him another post-it.

JACK (CONT'D)About five inches, but it's thick.

Pete and Lisa look at each other.

As he exits, the assistant gets a little shock to the

head from a dangling wire and flinches slightly. Jackturns his attention to Pete and Lisa.

JACK (CONT' D)Are you familiar with the award-winningGE Tri-vection oven?

LISAI don't cook very much .

•

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JACKSure. I got you. New York third wavefeminist. College-educated. Single and

pretending to be happy about it. OVer-scheduled, under-sexed. You buy anymagazine that says nhealthy body imagenon the cover, but your kitchen's gotnothing but Snackwells and expiredyogurts. You reject traditional femaleroles, but every two years you take upknitting for a week.

PETE(impressed)

That's dead on.

LISAAre you gonna guess my weight now?

JACKYou don't want me to do that.

PETEThat knitting thing is just uncanny. Howdo you do that?

JACKMarket research, my friend. Years andyears of market research ... that lead tomy greatest triumph, the Tri-vectionoven.

PETEMy wife wants one of those.

The assistant reappears. Another post-it to read.

JACK(to the assistant)

Yes, but I'll need my kevlar vest.(back to Pete and Lisa with asmile)

The Trivection oven cooks perfect foodfive times faster than a conventionaloven, because it uses three kinds ofheat: thermal technology, for consistent

temperatureiGE Precise Air

T"

convect iontechnology, for optimal air circulation;and microwave technology, forunbelievable speed. With three kinds ofheat, you can cook a turkey in 22minutes .

•

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PETEThat's impressive.ow.

JACKThe people upstairs agree. That's whythey promoted me. That's why I'm here tore-tool your show.

LISARe-tool what now?

JACKI'm the new Vice President of East CoastTelevision and Microwave OvenProgramming.

LISAThat sounds like you program microwaveovens.

JACK(to his asst.)

See, I told you that was imprecise. Makeit nVice President of East CoastTelevision programming and Microwave Oven-

LISACzar?

JACKI like you. You have the boldness of amuch younger woman.

Lisa is offended. Some sparks literally fly, from theconstruction behind her.

PETEYou know, Jack, Lisa and I have workedtogether on a bunch of shows over thelast ten years, and I know Gary was verypleased--

JACKPete, I've seen the show. The littlegal's good.

LISAJenna.

JACKAnd the skits are decent, but you'remissing that third kind of heat .

•

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1.9.

LISAThere's the kind of heat that rises fromdog poop. Maybe we could use that.

JACKThink about Lawrence Jordan.

PETEThe black guy?

JACKThe black movie star. I flew with himrecently on a private jet to the Super

.Bowl, and he was very entertaining.

LISAIsnlt he, um ... crazy?

JACKLawrence has had his problems in the lastfew years.

CUT TO:

EXT. CALIFORNIA FREEWAY - DAY

African-American comedy star LAWRENCE JORDAN, 35, runsdown through traffic in nothing but tighty whities.

LAWRENCEI am a jedi! I am a jedi!

CUT BACK TO:

INT. JACKIS OFFICE.

JACKBut it's important to remember that hewas never charged with any crime. It'snot illegal to fall asleep on yourneighborls roof.

PETENor should it be.

JACKLawrence Jordan is the "third heat. II

PETESo would he join the cast ...?

•J

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JACK

Join the cast, permanent guest host-- I'mgoing to meet with him this afternoon and

see what he thinks--

Lisa clears a place to lay down on the coffee table.

JACK (CONTID)

What are you doing?

LISASometimes when I have these stressdreams, if I go to sleep in the dream, Icome out of it.

The Assistant scribbles then hands her a post-it.

LISA (CONT'D)

(reads)"This is not a dream. II

JACK

Jonathanl take Pete and help him pick outa Trivection oven for his wife.

PETE(pleased)

Hey.

LISAWait.

Lisa takes out her list.

LISA (CONT'D)

We also want a coffee machine, a snackbasket--

JACKDone. Jonathan?

The assistant takes her list of demands. After he andPete exit ...

JACK (CONTI D)

Lisa, I've heard a lot of good thingsabout you.

LISA

Well, a lot of that stuff I don't doanymore .

•

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(('~

" , ')

• JACKI just want you to know that your job issecure. You're gonna be essential to

transforming the'show.

LISANo, no, no, Jack. Jenna is my friend andwe like our show the way it is. It maynot get the highest ratings, but we haveour own little following, and 11m notgoing to let you come in here and turn itinto some kind of--

JACKHit?

LISAJust 'letme talk to her before you makeany concrete--

The wall behind her comes tumbling down. A chunk ofdrywall hits her on the head.

LISA (CONT'D)Mother-effer-!

She falls down.

ACT TWO

INT. A HAIR SALON SET

A sketch from the show. Josh wears a fake moustache.Jenna is performing a crazy character with a goofy voice.

JOSHYes, I have an appointment with Louise.

JENNAGlouise isn't here. I'm Bevergly.

Recognition applause. This is a recurring character.

JENNA (CaNT' D)

And I'll be your substitute hairstyglist!

Laughter.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL:

•

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•

INT. WRITER'S ROOM - AFTERNOON

Toofer and Frank are watching a tape of this sketch.

TOOFERWe should do one where "Bevergly" is a"grape" counselor.

Toofer hands him a frothy cappuccino in a glass mug.

Across the room, Josh is going through a large snackbasket.

JOSHJust tell me who your parents are.

SARIENo. You couldn't handle it.

JOSHOkay, I'm gonna try to guess who they arefrom looking at your face.

He studies her.

JOSH (CONT 'D)Blond hair, little nose, kind ofSwedish ... Your mom is... Cheryl Tiegsand your dad is...

(checks out her body)Stephen Hawking.

Sarie punches him in the arm.

JOSH (CONT'D)What? Cause you're smart!

INT. HALLWAY - A LITTLE LATER

Pete is talking to Kenneth again.

PETE...and Jenna DeCarlo was very upset.

KENNETHI tried to read her face, but it's sorubbery!

)/

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! 1 · · · · · · · ·{~ .1

•

PETEHow bout this? As a rule, if you see acelebrity when you/re with the tour

groupIdo not bother them.

KENNETHIs that a guideline, or a rule? Cause Irespond well to structure.

PETELet's say it's a rule.

INT. HALL. - SAME TIME

Lisa gets off the elevator holding an ice pack to herhead. She runs smack into Jenna. Lisa acts weird andawkward.

LISAHey.

JENNAHey. What happened to your head?

LISAThe sky is falling. Do you have aminute?

JENNANo. I have a costume fitting for the"Judgemental Baby" sketch.

LISAAhh. I'll find you after.

JENNAYou seem upset.

LISAYou seem upset.

JENNAI'm hung over.

LISA(seemingly reminiscing)

Remember, like, five years ago when youwere still waitressing and I was tempingat that law firm and we used to do improvshows for free at night?

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24.

JENNA

Yeah.

LISADid we hate it?

JENNAYeah. We hated it a lot.

LISAThat's what I thought.

INT. WRITER'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Lisa enters to find everyone excitedly enjoying the newhigh-end coffee machine, snack basket, cable tv, etc.Toofer hands her a cappuccino.

TOO FERWell done, m'lady!

FRANK

How'd you get everything so fast?

((1"- . . . . . /

LISAWhat can I say? I'm a hardass.

She ducks into Pete's office.

INT. PETE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

He is finishing up a phone call.

PETEWell, my condolences. Please let me knowwhere we can send flowers. Okay.

He hangs up.

PETE (CONT'D)Ugh, poor Gary.

LISAHow did he die?

PETEKilled by a deer.

LISAWhat?

•

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q " - - . . , .. . .' _ ,PETE

He used to feed the deer every morning athis house upstate. And then he got an

injunction from the township saying hehad to stop. So he did. Two days later,he goes out to get his paper, and thedeer go mad.

Pete makes an accompanying hand gesture like deer pawsclawing at someone.

LISAThey just went mad?

She mimics the same gesture. Pete nods and does itagain.

PETE

He stopped feeding them and they turnedon him.

LISAWhat are we gonna do? We quit, right?Do we quit?

PETENot me. My twins need braces.

LISAThe older twins or the identicals?

PETE

All four. They've got mouths likepiranhas.

He hands her a picture from his desk.

LISAEw. They do.

PETEBut sometimes with a thing like this, ifyou wait it out, it goes away on its own.

LISA(still looking at thepicture)

No, you gotta get the braces.

•PETE

Jack Donaghy, I'm talking about. So hemeets with crazy Lawrence Jordan today .

(MORE)

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PETE (CONT'D)

Jordan'll ask for too much money or he'llshow up wearing a child's swimsuit and ashower cap and Donaghy will change hismind. Nobody needs to know this ever

came up.

Josh enters.

JOSHOh, hey, awesome. Just the people I waslooking for. I'm working on this bitabout celebrities doing commercials, like-

(imitates Christopher Walkenperfectly)

"This is Christopher Walken for Tropicanaorange juice. Try the juice. It'svery ... tangy II Or, um--

(imitates Lawrence Jordanperfectly)

"Yo, this is r.awrence Jordan, star of'Black Cop/White. Cop' and when I want agood night's sleep, I sleep on myneighbor's roof. But now that I'm makinga comeback, I sleep at the Best Western.Best Western. It's like sleeping on TedDanson's roof. Holla! II

LISAOkay, I don't know what you've heard, butLawrence Jordan is not joining the cast.He is not taking over for Jenna. We arenot turning into The Lawrence JordanShow.

JOSHWhat?

She realizes he didn't know any of this.

LISANothing.

PETENicely handled.

INT. STUDIO HALLWAY - SAME TIME

Kenneth is answering questions from another tour group.

•KENNETH

Yes, Katie Couric is real tiny in person.(stage whisper)

(MORE)

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27.

KENNETH (CONT•D)

But her boobs are a lot bigger than youwould think.

The elevator doors open and LAWRENCE JORDAN, 30, enters

with a small entourage, looking totally kickass.

Cool music under.

As they get close to the tour group, Kenneth seesLawrence [a big movie star!] and, panicking, diverts thegroup's attention.

KENNETH (CONT'D)Now, if y'all look over here, you'll seea water fountainl

Lawrence stops behind the group and waits for Kenneth toacknowledge him. Kenneth starts to sweat.

KENNETH (CONTID)Does anyone have any questions about it?

Lawrence gives his posse a look like, "What the hell?Why isnlt this guy acknowledging me?"

LAWRENCEYes, I have a question.

(big smile)How do you feel, NBC Tour? Cause youlook like a portayl

KENNETH(timidly)

Lawrence Jordan, everybody.

The group applauds excitedly to see Lawrence. Lawrencegoes over and works the crowd.

LAWRENCE(To a pregnant lady)

You're beautiful, little Mama. You'redoing Godls work.

(Talks in a 11 hanky" voice toa middle aged white guy)

Donlt I know you from the insurancemeeting? We've got to sign those papers,Reginald.

The guy laughs. Lawrence goes to a skinny, sullen, whiteteen. Lawrence puts his arm around the kid verysincerely .

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28.

LAWRENCE (CONT'D)Listen. I know being your age is hard.But don't you llputon the trench coat. 11

You hear me? You have a problem, youcall me. Don't put on that trench coat.

The kid nods.

LAWRENCE (CONT'D)(to everyone)

Live. Life. Love. Laugh!

The group applauds. There is such a thing as "starquality."

INT. PETE'S OFFICE - SAME TIME

JOSHDoes Jenna know?

LISAI gotta tell her before she hears itsomewhere else.

JOSHShe's been around the block. She canhandle bad news.

LISAYeah ...

Off Lisa's look ...

CUT TO:

INT. A DINER - THE PAST

The waitress serves Jenna her breakfast.

JENNA(dejected)

I said wheat toast.

She bursts into tears.

CUT BACK TO:

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INT. PETE'S OFFICE.

LISAShe's gonna freak out.

Toofer enters, indignant.

TOOFERI will not work with Lawrence Jordan.

PETEIt's just a rumor.

TOOFERI worked with him at the MTV awards twoyears ago, where he found it endlesslyamusing to show me his johnson.

PETEHow was it?

TOOFERconsiderable. On one occasion, he hadplaced it in a foot-long hot dog bun andput mustard on it. I loathe him.

Sarie stands in the doorway.

SARIEHe's not that bad. He rents near us inEast Hampton. I saw him once at a charity

polo match.

PETEDid he seem crazy?

SARIENo. Well ... he was making out withMartha Stewart ...but we've all done that.

They all stare at her for a beat.

SARIE (CONT'D)Joking.

TOOFER

Have you seen any of his movies? Theguy's sensibility is just cretinous.

•LISA

I saw the one where he plays, like, fivedifferent characters .

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30.

TOOFER"Black Cop/White COp"

LISANo.

JOSH"Who Dat Ninja?1I

LISANo, he was ... god, they all blendtogether, donlt they? He had to pretendto be an old lady--

TOOFERYes, yes. He actually says the title atone point ...

Off their thinking ...

CUT TO:

EXT. DOORWAY A HOUSE. - DAY

A clip from one of Lawrence Jordanls movies. He isdressed as a big fat white grandma a la Mrs. Doubtfire.Unseen parties are throwing pies at him.

LAWRENCEOh, gracious goodness! You hooligansbetter watch out!

A pie hits him. He suddenly sounds masculine and black.

LAWRENCE (CONT'D)Cause this honky grandma be trippin!

CUT BACK TO:

INT. PETEIS OFFICE

LISAjTOOFER(relieved to remember)

"Honky Grandma Be Trippin' .II

JOSHOh, yeah. That movie was hilarious.

Lisa glares at him. Frank bursts in, incredulous .

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FRANK

Is what I heard true?l

PETENo!

FRANK

Gary Luderman got killed by a deer?!

PETEOh yeah, by the way, everybody. GaryLuderman got killed by a deer.

Before anyone can react, Jenna enters. She is in aridiculous baby costume [over-sized diaper, pinafore,bonnet] .

JENNA

You guys, you have to come see this! Youknow that crazy actor guy from "Who DatNinja? 11 He's in our studio! It'shilarious! You have to see it.

Jenna runs out. They all run out after her.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Every face is pressed up against the picture window ofthe studio. They look shocked.

INT. STUDIO - SAME TIME

Lawrence Jordan paces around the homebase set, preachingto the empty seats.

LAWRENCEI'm back, America!house.

I'm coming into your

Lawrence grabs the camera and talks into the lens likeBono.

LAWRENCE (CONT'D)I'm coming into your house, America!

Jack encourages him proudly from the empty seats.

JACKWe love you, Lawrence! Come into ourhomes!

•

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32.

Lawrence removes his shirt.

LAWRENCE

I'm the third heat! I'm the third heat!

JACKYou're the third heat, baby!

Out by the picture window, Jenna .turns to Lisa,chuckling.

JENNAThis guy's full-tilt nuts. Am I right?

Kenneth arrives with a tour group.

KENNETHHere we see the set for "Friday NightBits."

(stage whisper).Although the industry buzz is it's beingre-tooled into The Lawrence Jordan Sh--

Pete leaps over and chokes Kenneth to shut him up. Thetour group gasps. Jenna turns to Lisa.

JENNAWhat did he say?

LISAJenna, I have some news. Don't freakout.

Jenna stares at her wide-eyed for a beat, then ...

CUT TO:

EXT. 6TH AVE - A FEW MINUTES LATER

Jenna, in the baby costume, running through traffic [muchlike Lawrence Jordan], out of her mind.

JENNAI am a jedi! I am a jedi!

INT. STUDIO FLOOR - A FEW MINUTES LATER

Everyone's gathered around Lawrence Jordan, he's holdingcourt. Lisa watches from the balcony above .

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LAWRENCE JORDANNow at the time, me and Eddie were bothtalking to the same girl, 'cept I didn't

know she was a transexual ...

Everyone laughs.

LISA(to herself)

will not one of you stand with me?

Jack Donaghy walks over to her.

LISA (CONT'D)Would you like me to review for youeverything you've done wrong so far?You've hired a guy so crazy that nobodyelse in the world will work with himright now. You brought him in herewithout even talking to Jenna first,which will send her into a two-yearspiral. You're putting him in my hands,knowing I don't want him here. You gavemy greedy, insatiable writing staff everytoy they asked for, which only means theywill have a longer list of things theywant tomorrow. Don't stop feeding thosedeer, Mr. Donaghy, or they will turn onyou.

JACKYou'll make it work.

LISAWhat makes you think that?

JACKCause your friend Jenna's got nowhereelse to go. You'll be nice to Lawrence,cause it's not his fault. And you'llfocus all your rage and hatred on me.

LISAUgh, you know what? You don't knoweverything about me.

She storms out of frame. Jack watches her walk away.

JACKAbout 127 pounds.

From off camera, she whips a water bottle at him .

•

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34.

She climbs down into the studio to introduce herself toLawrence Jordan.

Hi, I'm Lisa.LISA

I'm--

LAWRENCEYes, yes. Lisa Lemon! I know who youare.

He kisses her hands, dramatically.

LAWRENCE (CONT'D)The very talented. Very talented.

LISAOh, well. Let's .not.

LAWRENCEYou're gonna be my Phil Spector, right?

LISAHow's that?

LAWRENCEYou're gonna take my raw black sound andmake it nice for white people's ears.

LISAYes. And then I'm gonna kill somebody.

Lawrence thinks this is hilarious.

INT. TAPAS RESTAURANT - EVENING

Lisa, enters and approaches the maitre'd.

LISAHi, I'm here to pick up my baby.

He points to Jenna, still in the baby outfit, in a backbooth, wasted.

JENNATadeo, another mojito!

LISANo, no. Come on, friend .

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35.

Lisa struggles to help Jenna out. She stops by a couplewith a baby near the door.

LISA (CONT'D)Can I borrow this for five minutes?

EXT. NYC STREET - EVENING

Lisa pushes Jenna down the street in a stroller.

JENNAI have so much rage.

LISAIt could be worse. You could have nippleconfusion.

(OUT)

•

30_Rock_1x01_-_Pilot

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