30 -Overcoming Grief - Carol 2 - Transcript

7/24/2019 30 -Overcoming Grief - Carol 2 - Transcript

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CopyrightRobbins-Madanes Training

Reclaiming choices: familly and children Carol 2

Film Transcript

CM Cloe MadanesTony Anthony RobbinsCarolChelsea

Audience

CM: Losing a loved one is one of the most painful experiences you can have. Yet in our culture,the journey to take while grieving is not welldefined. !hen you lose someone close to you how

can you go on with ordinary life as if nothing had happened" !hat can you do to honor yourloved one#s memory in the $est way" %ow can you define a new future for yourself"

Carol, who lost her sixteenyearold daughter overnight to a tragic illness, was so devastated $yher loss that she felt una$le to give her other four children the love that they deserve. &he cameto an 'nthony (o$$ins seminar as a last resort and a friend volunteered her to speak directly

with )ony. )his conversation is covered in detail in the film entitled *+vercoming ersonalLoss.-

ow, eight years later Carol has come to meet with )ony again to discuss the changes that havetaken place since the last time together. You will see exactly what Carol did when she wenthome to move on with her life and how her new decisions impacted the lives of her children.

You will also see what you can do to help children who have lost a family mem$er early in life.!e $egin with )ony and Carol while )ony is on a $reak from a weekend event he is giving.Carol#s sixteenyearold daughter who had $een eight when her sister died is in the room withthem and she will join the conversation later.

)ony: /irst, 0 want to thank you. )hank you for coming and taking the time and as you aretaking offscreen here, you had $een totally surprised. You had no idea that we are going to callon you here so thank you for that spontaneity. Your example is now almost eight years sincethis has occurred, 0 guess a little more.

Carol: 1ight years exactly. 0t happens to $e the anniversary of her death.

)ony: )oday"

Carol: Yesterday.

)ony: You didn#t know we are coming here"

Carol: o idea.

)ony: 0 had no idea it was the anniversary yesterday. !ow. 0 had no idea it was theanniversary yesterday. !e were talking a$out doing this film and 0 said, *%ere are some people

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0 can remem$er that 0 was touched and 0 was2- 0 remem$ered you specifically $ecause it wasthe hardest thing that 0 have ever done on stage to shake, $ecause it was on stage in which wereversed roles if you recall.

Carol: !ere just 3 we are talking a$out that.

)ony: 0 felt 3 you are feeling so intently. 0f you remem$er 0 $egan to cry and then 0#ve donevarious things like that $ut it was the most 3 three days later 0#ve still not shaken it off and so 0remem$ered vividly like it was yesterday.

Carol: Yeah 0 do, 0 do. 0 remem$er that. !e were just talking a$out that.

)ony: !hat an instinct. 4uidance for depth and literally within a day of eight years, wow.

Carol: )hat what 0#ve said. 0t#s funny how the universe works. 0t really is funny.

)ony: !ow. %onestly as 0 see you and 0 remem$er that 0 stepped $ack at that moment for amoment so 0 can feel 0 can feel that again, too.

Carol: !ow.

)ony: 0 like to know if you tell the story from your perspective of: !here were you $efore wehad our little interaction" !hat were you feeling" !hat were you thinking" !hat was your

world like" )hen we will talk a little $it a$out what happened that day and then we will talk alittle $it a$out what happened since.

Carol: !hen 0 came to the event 0 was in a very difficult place. 0t was like six weeks after shedied it was2

)ony: (eally close.

Carol: 0t was really close.

)ony: 0 remem$er.

Carol: !hat happened to her was she 3 actually, what happened was she had just gotten sick.&o she stayed home from school. 0 let her decide what to do pretty much $ecause she is veryresponsi$le5 very responsi$le un$elieva$le kid. 0 came home and 3 0 had $rought my daughterhome, this other one. &he was sitting on the computer and 0 said, *You have $een on thecomputer too long, you got to get off the computer.- 0 made dinner for them, 0 had four otherkids, 0 have total of five kids. &he went into her room, was lying down. 0 said, *o, no you can#tplay in there you got a horse you have to take care of, you are fine.- &he got up and went in 3she has just told our friends that she was going $ack to school. &he went into the $athroom and

threw up and she just called me and 0 went in. You hear that voice from your child you know, 0just hear *mommy- and 0 went in. &he is sixteen yelling *mommy- and 0 went in. &he was justsitting there on the floor just kind of staring. 0 knew at that point that something was really

wrong. 0 took her temperature, she has a fever and 0 said, *!hat are you looking at"- &he justkind of was delirious and she says *everything-. )hat was it, 0 just called the doctors, tried toexplain what 0 was doing. 0t was kind of late at night and they are closing at night. 0 took all mykids and packed up when we went down. )hey just said she had the flu and 0 was over reacting.0 was a little upset a$out that so 0 said, *!e are going to go to the hospital.- 0 took her to thehospital and we kind of got shuffled through there. 0 really pushed $ut o$viously not enough.

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)hey sent me home and 0 $rought her home. )hey had said to me no 0 haven#t given her enoughMotrin and so2 &he was so sick that she was passed out $ut then she got out of the car, ranupstairs and went to the $athroom and threw up. &o 0 went in and she wanted to stay there.

!hen we have kids sometimes that#s what they do. 0 made her take her Motrin and she said tome2 &he just asked me for her )eddy $ear, which is kind of unusual. 0 gave her $ear then 0 sleptdownstairs outside the $athroom and it was pretty late.

)he next morning 0 got up and 0 said to her 3 actually my other kids have gotten up 0 went in thekitchen. )hey were riding around their little cars, making a lot of noise. 0 hadn#t gotten muchsleep, it was a typical morning. 0 went in to check on her, 0 never saw her head. 0 said to her,*'re you alright"- &he said, *0t#s too loud. 0t#s too loud. *!hat#s too loud"- &he said, *)he

$ells.- &o 0#m thinking it#s from this little ride on toys, so 0 shut the door on her. &ome$ody gaveme a call and 0 kind of opened the door. &he was just lying there, 0 couldn#t see her. 0 went $ack67 minutes later and she had died. 0t just happened really 8uickly. &o 3 you know we wentthrough. 0 tried to resuscitate her and called the am$ulance. !e went through all the 97:7:6;ut she was 3 0 always considered her a gift. My life was not in a good place and shecame along as a surprise $ecause 0 was not supposed to a$le to have children.

)ony: %ow interesting.

Carol: &he came along and changed my life all for the $etter. 0 always knew that she was goingto do something huge. &he was going to do something $ig5 she was going to make a difference.

&he was so wise $eyond her years. ?ust 3 she#s so peaceful5 she was so different than the rest ofus. )o have that taken away from you, 0 couldn#t understand it. *!hy would 4od do somethinglike that"- that#s all that went through my mind. *!hy would he take something so precious"- 0mean, 0 was the one who is always messed up and made the $ad decisions and screw up. %ere isthis ama@ing individual who is going to do something and she was gone. 0 couldn#t figure thatout. 0t#s just 3 0 couldn#t figure it out. 1ven though 0 have others, 0 get up every day and 0 fedthem and kind of took them where they needed to go $ut you just shut down. 0 didn#t want to $ehere anymore. 0 felt guilty a$out that. 0#d go to $ed and 0 relive it every single night. 0#m sorry.

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)ony: 0#m sorry to make you go through this again. 're you okay with continuing of this"

Carol: Yes.

)ony: >ecause if you don#t want to2

Carol: o, 0#m okay.

)ony: Yeah okay.

Carol: >ecause2 0 know it gets $etter.

)ony: Yeah, $ack then you didn#t know that.

Carol: 0 know 0 didn#t. 0t still is very sad to 3 $ut 0#ve $een a$le to put it in a different place.&till it#s a huge loss.

)ony: &ure.

Carol: >ut 0 can look at it a little $it differently. 0 look at that part of my life and 0#m sorry that 0was so shut down, $ecause 0 did have four other children who had nothing. !e don#t havegrandparents5 we don#t have aunts and uncles or anything. 'll my kids have is me. )hey have to

$e going through their own pain. !e are pretty close $ut we didn#t talk a$out it a whole lot, theydrew pictures. ow, as they have gotten older now they will share different things. My youngestone went to kindergarten and she said, *0 used to just go stand in the corner and cry.- o$odyever told me that so 0 couldn#t help her5 $ut 0 wasn#t in a very good place.

)ony: %ow could you $e"

Carol: &o a friend of mine called. 0 guess he called &cott (o$erts $ecause &cott (o$erts had$een my account rep. 0 didn#t even know how he did it. %e said you got to do something for her

$ecause she#s not the same and 0 wasn#t $ecause 0#ve always $een kind of a cra@y person. 0#vegone through a lot in my life and you can always 3 0 always go, *'h, that#s what made me who 0am.- 0 have always looked at it and said *)hese are the things that made me who 0 am,- and youkind of laugh at that. )his one was not funny.

)ony: Yeah.

Carol: )his wasn#t funny and it didn#t make any sense. 0 couldn#t understand why 4od would dothis. )hat was all 0 kept saying is *!hy.- 0 couldn#t understand why, 0 just could not. 0 thinkthat#s what happens to every$ody. !e just can#t figure out why this is happening. 0t tortures

you. 0 relived it, relieved it. 1very night 0 went to $ed and 0 kept thinking, *0f 0 had just stayedthere at the hospital and gotten into their face.- *!hy didn#t 0" 0#ve always $een the type of

person who gets in their face.-

)ony: !hy is the 8uestion of pain, $ecause there is time in our live where we cannot know*why"- )here is no way to know *why"- &o we just go deeper and deeper into the pain. &o thisperson 3 0#ve found out a$out it $ecause this person let me know that what they knew at thatstage and what they $elieve is you are suicidal. &o o$viously some 3 more than one person knewthis at that time 0 guess.

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Carol: Yeah, 0 didn#t want to $e here and actually and 0 didn#t tell you this. )o tell you the truth0 have the whole thing devised a$out how 0 was going to do it. 0 thought well, 0 can#t leave thesekids on their own $ecause when 0 was a kid 0 was on my own and 0 kind of just 3 a little $it onthe street when 0 was a teenager. 0 thought 0 can#t do that. 0 had it all figured out. 0 was goingto $urn the house down with every single one of them in there. 0#m sorry Chelsea, you pro$a$lydidn#t know this.

)ony: Chelsea is here watching on the side. !e are going to interview Chelsea at the end here,too.

Carol: 0 just2

)ony: Chelsea was eight at that time, right"

Carol: &he was eight at that time. 0 had all these kids with all this potential and 0 really couldn#tthink clearly. 0 just didn#t want to $e there, it didn#t make sense.

CM: Many people who lose a child under such surprising and tragic circumstances go into suchshock and despair that they try to think of any way they can to escape the pain, includingsuicide.

Carol: >ut 0 3 anyway as 0 was driving to the desert 0 thought, *You know what, we are going togo in here and this will $e a great place, $ecause you know now 0 don#t have to worry a$out mykids finding me or anything. &o 0#m just going to go into the desert, 0#m just not going home.)his is what 0#m going to do, 0#m here a minute. You know what, some$ody will help my kids, 0finally decided. &ome$ody will help them. 0#m not in a place to raise them. 0 can#t do it and it#snot fair to end their lives. )hey got potential and they will get over it. 0 mean 0 got over a lot ofstuff when 0 was a kid. 0 mean you are head is not in the right place.

)ony: Yeah. 0 interviewed a man years ago. %e is on one of the films we made. %is partner,they were destiny was going though it and he had the plan for killing himself and killing his

children. )hat sounded so horrific to everyone there. !hen 0 $rought him up and instead oflooking into this pathological person5 this man stood up and he looked like &anta Claus. %eliterally had this little $elly and this grey $eard and he had the sweetest eyes. 0 said, *+kay.

!ho here is suicidal"- %e didn#t raise his hand during that time so 0 said, *>o$, 0 know you areout there.- )hen when 0 called on him he said *yes- he was suicidal. !hen 0 dug deeper 0 finallysaid, *Ao you have a plan to kill your kids"- and the reason was the exact same thing. %ecouldn#t imagine them living in such pain of knowing that their father left them or not havingthem there. %e figured they#ll $e so much $etter off. )hey#ll $e in peace if they went with him.)hat was it. 0 can#t tell how many times that have $een true. )hat sounds horrific to hear. /orsomeone who has not $een through what you $een through, it can sound horrific. >ut forany$ody who has $een in that experience, it#s actually a way out of pain for you in your mind inthose moments the mind tells you that is out of pain for your children too. &o at this stage you

move $eyond that. ow it#s like they#ll $e okay, 0 got to get out of my pain.

Carol: 0#m thinking yeah 3 0 kind of thought, *+kay, that#s not fair to them.- Yeah. You knowwhat you just don#t think rationally.

)ony: Yeah.

Carol: >ut it is 3 0 can#t even 3 there are no words to explain what it feels like. 0t just eat yourwhole $ody, everything. 0t consumes you, the pain just consumes you.

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)ony: Yeah.

Carol: 0t#s just the loss is 3 it#s devastating. 0t#s a$solutely devastating.

)ony: !hat was the 3 as you went through the event, if 0 remem$er correctly the opportunity

came up with you as 0 asked, *!ho here is suicidal"- 0 don#t recall if you raised you hand initiallyor not.

Carol: %e made me.

)ony: Yeah, 0 think that#s what happened. 0 don#t think you did.

Carol: 0 don#t even remem$er how the conversation $egan. 0 just remem$ered this hugerelease. 0 just was 3 0 can#t explain to you. 0t was this 3 and 0 felt okay a$out it. 0 really felt okaya$out it and 0 felt like Melissa was there and 0 felt that that was she wanted me to do and 0 didn#tremem$er. 'fterwards 0 thought 0 can#t remem$er what we just did. 0 wish 0 could remem$erall that. *!hat did he say to me"- *!hat did he say to me"- 0 can#t remem$er all this. 1verynow and then little pieces will come out some$ody will $e talking to me, they have a loss5 or

when we came here. 0t#s just so funny how things work. !e came here5 we got on the shuttleand as we were dropping people off we drove $y and this girl was, *Aid you see all the sod"- !eare going $y where the fire office is getting ready.

)ony: Yes.

Carol: &he go, *You are going to B!"- &o we started talking. &he said that she had done anintervention or something. )hat she had $een a$used as a child. 'nd so then 0 said 0 had and 0talked a little $it a$out it and 0 talked a$out how 0 changed and how 0 looked at it differently andhow it#s really okay. 0 kind of went into it a little $it. )he whole 3 every$ody on there islistening to all these. 0 got off then the guy came off and gave us our $ags from the hotel. %eturned to me and he said, *)hank you.- %e said, *You know 0 lost a son who was sixteen years

old.- %e said, *You know it almost $rought me to tears.- %e said, *You have really touched me.-%e said, *)hank you very much.- 0 couldn#t $elieve it, 0 couldn#t $elieve it. )o me that#s her gift.

)ony: 's it is yours, my dear. %ow incredi$le.

Carol: )hat#s Melissa. )hat#s how she was helping the world. 0 just know that#s what it was. 0know she was put here for a reason. 0 guess she died for a reason and that was2 )hat was kindof neat that he said that. 0t was just ama@ing.

)ony: 0#ll tell what 0 remem$er when you were up there standing is: 0 remem$ered the feelingof that $eing warm and kind and loving which is in my heart and soul is a$out and feeling yourpain would not have changed you. &o 0 have to go to a place that 3 0 don#t know if you ever have

to do with your children $ut 0 have to do with one of my $oys in particular where 0 had to do anintervention with him, where 0 have to $e so intense.

Carol: You did yell at me. 0 remem$er that.

)ony: Yes, right. 0 had to $e so intense. 0 had to seem 3 seemingly $e harsh in order to $reakthis pattern. 0 remem$er hating the feeling, hating the feeling. 'nd then also knowing that theaudience pro$a$ly just thinks 0#m an idiot and a jerk $ecause they have no clue of what 0 amdoing.

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Carol: You got right in my face and my friend ?ean said to me 3 0 don#t mean to interrupt $ut 0just want to2

)ony: Yes, please.

Carol: &he said to me, she goes, *o$ody else could get away with that you know.- >ecause yousaid to me, *Aon#t you ever lie to me.-

)ony: Yes and 0 used really intense language, a really intense approach. +n the surface it willlook like 0 was attacking you, when what 0 was doing is attacking the $elief that was destroying

you and your family. 0 remem$er just this horri$le feeling inside my gut $ut also simultaneously0 just knew this is 3 $ecause that#s not the approach that 0 normally use 3 this is what 0 have todo to $reak the pattern initially. )hen 0 knew that for you to get that 0 wasn#t here in judgmentof you 0 have to $ecome you completely. )hat#s when we did the reversal component. )hen 0remem$ered $eing in that reversal component and feeling 3 0 mean 0 saw it so vividly and sodirectly that it was overwhelming to all of my senses, $ut not enough for me not to stay focusedon serving you. 0 then guided you to $e me, $ecause 0 knew you $elieved in my capacity. >ut if

you $elieved in my capacity then 0 can help you for the moment that you go $ack. 0 have to haveyou know it#s your capacity. )he only way to do that is 3 in your state you couldn#t do it, $ut weall have many parts of ourselves. )here is a part of you that is powerful, more powerful thananything that#s inside of me. 0f 0 can get you to access that $y giving it a name called )ony, if 0could demonstrate for you 3 since 0 knew you are someone who cared a$out people so much,

your own experience then 0 knew we could create a collapse with that experience. )hat was thestrategy approach 0 took. You watch it later, we will provide it for you to see.

Carol: 4ood.

)ony: )hey didn#t shoot it well unfortunately. You don#t see my face on most of it, so you don#tget to see my tears or anything of that nature $ut this is the $est that we could2

Carol: 0#ll never forget them ever, ever, ever as long as 0 live. 0 remem$er looking into your eyesand thinking, *0 just felt so sorry for you $ecause you are in so much pain.- 0 do remem$er that.

9Laughterecause whenever you leave one of your seminars you are like,*!hew You are flying.-

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)ony: Yeah.

Carol: &omeone had asked me something a$out whatever and 0 would say, *You know what2- 0was trying to tell them and they just keep looking at me like, *You are messed up.-

)ony: )he fact that you could $e happy.

Carol: )hat 0 could $e happy.

)ony: )hat you could take on Chelsea#s victory and her fun and her experience.

Carol: 2.and $e okay now that Melissa has died. 0t#s pro$a$ly only $een 3 0 don#t know, twomonths or so. &o it#s only $een a few months. ot to say that every now and then 0 didn#t feelsome sadness2

)ony: +f course.

Carol: 2.there is a$solutely 3 You did feel sadness and sometimes 0 still do. 0 miss her verymuch.

)ony: &ure.

Carol: >ut 0 am a$le to put her in a different place in my heart and my $eliefs. 0 $elieve that sheis still with us.

)ony: Yeah.

Carol: &he has given us some neat gifts. 0 came $ack and 0 was a$le to function and 0 love mykids. My kids mean everything to me. )hey mean a$solutely everything to me. 'ny$ody whoknows me will tell you that. 0 like to $e at their games.

)ony: &ure.

Carol: 0#m really passionate a$out the things that they do. 0 don#t work a full time jo$ so we arealways financially challenged.

)ony: Yeah.

Carol: >ut it is $ecause it#s really important for me to $e there with them. >ecause you couldnever ever take $ack what you have missed.

CM: Carol was a$le to overcome her extreme grief and shock over Melissa#s death to the point

that she found herself feeling spontaneously happy and excited a$out her children#s sports andother things that used to make her happy $efore. Clearly, she has overcome one of the mosttraumatic things any parent can undergo and has $een a$le to give her other children the life,the love and the attention that they all deserved. )his goes to show you $eing happy again doesnot mean that you have forgotten the one you have lost. 0n fact Carol#s love or Melissa is suchthat even now it would $e difficult for her other children to live up to their eldest sister#sreputation. 't this point, )ony will invite Carol#s sixteenyearold daughter to join in theconversation.

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)ony: &o Chelsea, you have $een sitting here listening to all this and unfortunately you alsolived through all this at a very young age. You were eight, right"

Chelsea: Yup.

)ony: !hat do you remem$er a$out what happened at that time" %ow did you deal with it"

Chelsea: )he first thing 0 knew was she wasn#t dealing with it well. %ow she had $een sayingshe had a plan to end it.

Carol: You knew that"

Chelsea: 0 know she did.

)ony: (eally" 't eight years old" %ow did you find out"

Chelsea: You could tell. You definitely could tell. &he wasn#t 3 she wasn#t herself. 0 can alwaystell $ecause she was like, she didn#t hug us the same way and when we came home from schoolthat day, she was not the same person. &he was so like drawn $ack in fear. 0 just knew she

wasn#t going to handle it. >ut when she made it $ack from California that was really cool$ecause 0 just remem$er as she was. &he was happier and she went to hug us the same way likeMom came $ack. 'nd the same like desire to want to $e with us, she was $ack. &o it#s reallygood that she went. 0 remem$er that $ut2

)ony: !hen she came $ack you could feel it immediately, huh"

Chelsea: +h, yeah. 0 know like she would never admit it to me or anything $ut 0 knew she hadno intention of staying.

)ony: !ow. You mean staying alive"

Chelsea: &taying alive. !hen she came $ack, 0 knew it was okay.

)ony: !ow. 'nd you were in the third grade then" !hat would you have $een"Chelsea: &econd.

)ony: &econd grade when this happened. You could feel it that clearly"

Chelsea: +h, yeah.

)ony: You must have an un$elieva$le $ond with your Mama.

Chelsea: Yeah, we are close.

)ony: )hat is $eautiful. >efore she left during those six weeks or so, what were you feeling"

Chelsea: 0t was weird like no$ody really talked that much. 0 just remem$er we didn#t go toschool as much as we did or supposed to o$viously and mostly we just like play video games.eople $rought us food. /amily was there. eople were there. !e didn#t like communicate thesame way or anything like we all are like shocked $ecause she was like she was there one minuteand the next minute she wasn#t.

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)ony: %ow did you deal with it" 0 am talking a$out with Melissa.

Chelsea: 0 wrote poems.

)ony: Aid you"

Chelsea: Yeah. !e sat in church and 0 wrote poems and 0 wrote poems at school. )hat was onlyway 0 knew how to deal with that $ecause crying didn#t seem right $ecause there are all thosepeople around and you are at a stage $ut2 so 0 wrote poems.

)ony: !ow. Aid your Mama read your poems" Aid you show them to her" Aid you keep themto yourself at that time"

Chelsea: 0 showed everyone to her. &he read one of them actually when she was saying a speechat the funeral. &he read one and 0 remem$er her talking a$out it. &he was saying somethinga$out how 0 have written and have it on a paper and 0 have a little *how all ended up andhappened,- that is what 0 wrote and 0 had little sparks around them. &he told that 0 90naudi$leefore 0 came to my first B! 0 was not a nice person.

CM: Chelsea has just said that $efore she went to one of )ony#s events at age thirteen, she feltshe was not a nice person. )ony sees that Chelsea has a pattern of $eing very unforgiving withherself so he will interrupt her pattern with a very energetic statement.

Chelsea: 0 was really going through like a rough time. 0 don#t why $ut2

)ony: You don#t why" Look at all you went through at eight years old and you don#t why" /or4od#s sakes.

Chelsea: Yeah.

)ony: You are trying to $e perfect, which no one is. +utgoing and simple which does notusually go together $y themselves and you go with the flow and simple, 0 mean that is go withthe flow and $e outgoing don#t usually necessarily go together. +r 0 just got to have totalcharisma even though 0 am eight you know. 'nd my nature is more eclectic. )he word eclectic

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means different where funky, more not simple, the opposite of simple, more directive,controlled, make it happen , constructed, the way you dressed that even though you areunderdressed in your mind right now making sure it is all in a certain way. )hat is who 0 am and0 got to fill these shoes of some$ody who is already 4od $ecause she is eight years older and sheis the first $orn and she is my older sister. 'nd now the damn girl is gone. Aamn 0 hate herguts. 'nd 0 have to simultaneously fill her old shoes. 0 can#t understand why 0 was a little

stressed out or mean to other people or mean to myself or may$e 0 want to messed with a thirdteam. %mm2 !ell, 0 know. 0 know why you feel that way.

Chelsea: Yeah.

)ony: 'nd your Mama $y the way right now is going through the pieces of her inner self up justa little $it when she made that pressure on you which she really didn#t .

Chelsea: >ut 0 made it myself.

Carol: &he had some other things going on through just $esides that. &he has other 3 her fatheris uninvolved in her life, she has no2

)ony: +h, good, 0 am glad you have found other people to $lame aside from yourself.

Carol: o, no, no. >ut 0 have not replaced any of that. You know 0 mean how2

)ony: You can#t. You can#t. You can#t $e a male and female and everything that you could try$ut you can just $e 2

Carol: 0t is just competitive with trying to have the other cousin gets all the love from thegrandmother and everything and they are not acknowledged and so2

)ony: Yeah. 'll the family dynamics.

Carol: )he family dynamics is that she has always felt second $est 0 think in that in respect so2

)ony: 1very$ody does also at some level. %ave you not felt second $est at times"

Carol: Yeah, 0 guess.

)ony: &o did Melissa if she was here to ask. )here is no one who doesn#t. 0 have $een withthree and half million people. )he person you think that doesn#t still does in their 8uietmoments. 0 have never met anyone presidents of the Bnited &tates, children, tough athletes inthe world, politicians, academy award winners, musicians that are funky and cra@y, 0 have doneany$ody else and feel $etter at times $ut we all have our reasons for it $efore we all get there.>ecause we have the same fear of we are not enough that 0 am not 90naudi$le


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when like Chelsea you tend to compare yourself to someone who is not even present. )heremedy for this fear is to understand that this pain is universal and to forgive yourself for $einghuman instead of $eing perfect. )his will $e )ony#s message to Carol right now.

)ony: Your Mama would never want you to have to go through that $urden 0 think you know.

Carol: 0 don#t even know. 0 have really never even knew that.

)ony: Yeah, 0 figured that. >ut it is hard. %ow could she pro$a$ly when she is processingtrying to take care of you all and coming $ack from all the challenges, guilt, all the pieces thatshe went through that are inhumane. &he was supposed to $e perfect. 0 90naudi$le


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)ony: !hen did that change for you"

Chelsea: 0 think my first B! definitely. 0t was like that $ig turning point and 0 reali@ed wow,this is a lot of stuff.

)ony: !hat happened there for you"

Chelsea: 0 was just like let it go. 0 sort of have then. 0t was of those experiences that definitelyshapes your life and makes you stronger.

)ony: &o how would you descri$e yourself today"

Chelsea: !ell, lately 0 have $een going through some trou$les. 0 don#t know how to 90naudi$leut every$ody still accepts each other. )hey all come together and it isawesome $ecause you can just feel that like love and passion that never end. 0 came home in the

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summer 0 was going to camp at the time. 0 was just attending a camp and everyone was like wellthat was really cool and then 0 got $ack to school. 0t was you are cra@y $lah, $lah, $lah. 0t was

you are so different than every$ody else which 0 was kind of like whatever $ut 0 was just likeinstilled in you so many times. 0t gets to you.

)ony: Yeah. 'nd kids can $e so $rutal with other kids. 0t is so hurtful.

Chelsea: Yeah, like a few days $efore 0 was actually coming to do this, 0 told my science teacherthat 0 am going to California. %e was oh, what are you going for" 0 said 0 am going for aseminar. Bsually 0 dislike seminar and $ecause 0 have gotten such a hard time for coming tothese kind of events and2

)ony: 'nd yet they have so touched your life.

Chelsea: 1xactly.

)ony: &o you have to defend for something that has $een so meaningful for us.

Chelsea: !hich 0 had such a hard time.

Carol: )hese things are going to change when 0 get $ack.

Chelsea: +h, yeah, 0 don#t even care anymore $ut 0 just remem$er, it was just like, oh, what kindof seminar" 0 said well, have you ever 3 do you know who )ony (o$$ins is" 'nd he goes are

you serious" 0 was like, yeah. %e goes you are going to California, you are flying across thecountry to go to a motivation seminar and 0 said well, you just don#t really say that $ut if you

want to say that sure. 'nd the class got involved and 0 was like yeah, you are doing fine.

Carol: You didn#t tell me this.

Chelsea: o, 0 didn#t. !e are close $ut not that now. 'nd 0 was like yeah, we can do this firewalk. 0t is going $e great. 0 have done it $efore and every$ody was like you 90naudi$lead news.

)ony: +kay, the good news is it is never going to change. /or the rest of your life, you will rarelyif ever will $e loved completely for $eing yourself $y very few people in your life no matter who

you are, no matter how grateful or giving you are, no matter how much sincere or real or rawyou are, there will $e few people in your life that will ever love you for who you are. You are

sitting next to one and even though at times you may$e you will $e wondering whether she willlove you for who you are, she really will.

0f you are fortunate, you will find a man in your life that will love you at that level. My $et is youwill $ecause you got such a special, raw, real set of life experiences that have opened your hearteven though you are trying to cover it up a little $it you can#t close it once it is opened. )he $adnews is 3 that is the good news.

Chelsea: +kay.

)ony: )he $ad news is you will never $e a$le to $lame any$ody else long term for this $ecauseyou are too smart. You can only do for a short out$urst like this $ecause once you have seen thetruth and you have then you know that you can never let any$ody limit you again no matter howpainful it is. You can#t let them limit your spirit, you can#t let them limit who you are $ecause

you will feel even more dead inside trying to fit in to those pieces.

CM: )ony is telling Chelsea that the peer pressure she is experiencing in school is not just aschool pro$lem. 0t is part of the adult world as well. &he needs to step up and decide to liveaccording to her highest values no matter what other people say. &ince that is easier said thandone, )ony will now give Chelsea a story from his own life that will $ring the point home for her.&ee how this story will touch directly on the issues that Chelsea is concerned a$out.

)ony: 0 remem$er when 0 was going to my tenyear high school reunion and 0 called my Mamaand 0 was very 3 you know 0 had achieved a lot in my life and 0 was very proud of all 0contri$uted. 0 was 6D years old, so ancient compared to you $ut something is coming. 0 called

her up 0 remem$er therefore 0 went up. 0 looked at some of my year$ooks. 'nd 0 was like a youare hearing things and they are saying things like *!ish 0 could have gotten to know you $etter.-)hose were just a couple of pieces that were like painful. &ome$ody wrote something reallyharsh in there and 0 have written something harsh in theirs as well you know. 0 have written tothis person *someday- $ecause they have $een treating me really poorly. *&omeday,- it was thisguy 0 said, *you will $e a fat truck driver and you will $e watching television and 0 will $e outthere and 0 will $e famous. 0 will $e changing people#s lives and 0 will $e rich, too. You will $e

$roken, alone and with some woman you hate.- 'nd 0 was just really gentle $ecause this manwas so mean and harsh to me so 0 remem$ered that 0 wrote all that and 0 remem$ered that 0 willpro$a$ly $e going to $e seeing this person. 0 was famous at that point and 0 was on televisionthen and 0 was and 0 was and 0 was all those things and 0 just felt like horri$le remem$eringthat.

)hen this flood of different emotions 3 0 had certain friends that 0 was close to $ut 0 was neverthe popular kid. 0 $ecame student $ody president $ut 0 didn#t like on a 0 run on real issues. 0

went to groups and 0 talked to them and said, *!hat do you want"- 0 went to talk to theprincipal. eople figure out and said 0 can#t, 0 will not $e a$le to do that $ut this 0 can do. 0 was

just driven. 0 was driven to serve, driven to make it happen $ut 0 am not a popular kid. 0 wasnot a popular kid especially not with guys $ecause 0 was usually Mr. &olution for the girlfriends,0 was not in that way. Like 0 was never intimate to them. 0 was the one they came to with alltheir pro$lems to. 0 wished that it could have gone to that level $ut it didn#t.

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&o long story, short is 0 was driving up there, 0 have this extraordinary life and 0 always $elievedyou know when 0 was a kid 0 was going to 3 these people are so mean to me, 0 was going to driveup in a limousine and 0 would show up with two women. You know $oys at that stage that issomething. 'nd 0 am going to $e rich and famous and they will never $e a$le to a$use me again.0 was small. %e used to physically $eat me $ut 0 had a mouth on me and 0 would say things and

then 0 would run and 0 was slow. )hat is not a good thing so 0 get $eat up again $ut the guys arevery much older than 0 was, $igger than 0 was.

>ut now 0 was 3 0 own a limousine actually at that time ironically and 0 was in a relationshipwith some$ody 0 totally love. 0 wasn#t looking for multiple relationships and 0 left the car athome and 0 only $rought my lady and 0 played down what 0 was doing and 0 wasn#t looking inpeople#s faces. Life had changed. >ut 0 had this kind of sadness 0 can#t remem$er ever feeling. 0called my Mom and 0 said, *Mom, 0 am on my way up to L.'. 0 am going to my tenyear highschool reunion.- &he said, *+h, my 4od. You are making me feel old.- You know what Momsdo, right" *0 can#t $elieve it either. )his is horri$le. 0 don#t even want to hear this.- 0 said,*Come on, Mom. )his is my tenyear high school reunion,- and she 3 my Mom heard somethingin my voice that really Moms can hear. 'nd she said, *%oney, are you okay"- 0 was like, *o,Mom, 0 am fine.- 0 am an emotional creature anyway. 0 am driven, committed, loving creatureand she said, *%oney, $ecause 0 hear something in your voice.- 0 said, *!hat"- &he said, *Youare in such denial there is something going on. !hat are you feeling"- 0 said, *othing. 0 am

just going to my high school reunion. 0 just kind of don#t know what to do. 0t was kind of weirdto go see these people 0 have not seen in all these years.- &he goes, *%oney, 0 know what it is.-&he said, *You feel so different right now. You feel like an outsider. You didn#t walk any place inthe world and you said two to three thousand people show up. 0t is $igger than your wholeschool. )hey all love you and you love them. You will do anything for them and they will love

you, too $ut you are forgetting all that right now.- 0 said, *0 know. 0 know that. 0 know, it justfeels weird. 0 don#t know what to do. 0 don#t know what to do when 0 go there. !hat do yousay" !hat do you do" 0 feel em$arrassed. 0 feel em$arrassed. 0 don#t want to make them feel

$ad. 0 don#t want to,- and 0 also said, *0 feel like 0 am fifteen or sixteen again. 0 feel insecure.- 0can#t remem$er feeling insecure if ever. 0 feel like 0 don#t know where 0 would fit in. 0 said all

the dum$est things in the world. 0ntellectually 0 am not making much sense $ut emotionally 0am feeling it. &he said, *%oney, honey. You feel different, you feel uni8ue, you feel separate.

You just feel different.- &he goes, *You always were.- &o 0 said, *)hat isn#t helping, Mom. )hatisn#t helping it all right now.- &he goes, *You are forgetting what different got you.-

Chelsea: )hat is great.

)ony: 0 started to cry and 0 said, *!ow.- 0 said, *Mom knows $est.- 0 said, *You are right. 0 feltlonely, 0 felt separate, 0 felt all these things for you. You felt misjudged. You felt hurt. You feltlike people didn#t care. )hey didn#t know who you really were. )hey didn#t care. )hey know

who you were.- &he goes, *+h that is true. >ut $ecause of that look who you are. Look who youare as a man. Look who you can touch. Look how happy you are. Look how you can walk in to a

room that is the si@e of your entire school and love strangers from your soul and in a few dayshave them love themselves. )hen they will love you for that.- &he goes, *Look what differentgot you. 0f you want to go $ack and not $e different and have them all accept you, you can dothat and just have a normal life.-

Carol: 0sn#t that cool that she just knows that. &he didn#t have to read all the $ooks and do allthe stuff"

)ony: &he knows. &he is a Mom. Moms know.

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CM: ow that they have discussed the different ways that Carol and Chelsea had responded toMelissa#s death, it is important they $oth understand that Moms know $est. Carol#s intense loveand dedication to her children will $e a resource that they can count on for years to come.

)ony: 'nd so the last thing 0 will tell you is 0 went there. 0 showed up and 0 was #E-. 0 was ;#I-

when 0 was in high school in my sophomore year. 0 have put I7II inches. 0 played foot$all and0 was the smallest guy, right" 'nd so now, 0 am walking up these guys like this one guy who wasthe nose guard on the foot$all team. %e was a senior and his $rother was there and he came and0 am towering a$ove them. %e was reading my name tag which someday you will pictures of

yourself at this stage and we may feel different than we do now a$out and it shows a picture ofme when 0 was there and 0 had my hair down to here and he looks at me he goes, *)ony(o$$ins.- %e looks up like this to me and he was the guy who used to $eat the hell out of me.

'nd 0 just looked at him and 0 said, yeah. )here was a little part of me 90naudi$le


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>ut you can also still $e internal if you want. You have $oth choices. You are more whole. )hatis what 0 meant a$out owning all the parts of yourself, right" )hat will not $e appreciated $ymost people.

Listen, any$ody who has ever stood out, they found out and tried to kill. 0 will give you Christ ifthat is some$ody you can relate to or any other person who stands up too much, people go after

them. &o you have two choices, fit in and $e accepted $y everyone, it will feel okay for a while$ut it will feel very dead inside or go to those stages of $reaking through and remem$er there arefew people like only a few. 0t is not in My &pace game. Life is not /ace$ook. 0t is not a $unch of

virtual friends who really don#t know your soul and don#t really give a damn a$out you $ut useyou to make themselves feel more important. Life is a$out few people that you love and loveyou. life is a$out finding something that give you a mission that you can gra$ a hold of and it isa calling in you to give something 3 a song, a garden, a friendship, a love, a child, a $usiness.Life is a$out that and when you are focused on that and you are focused on those closerrelationships, as long as they exist physically and even after they exist physically, then you havea life that is rich and full and for those that don#t have that, honestly, they haven#t had enoughpain or they haven#t grown. )hey haven#t had your pain so they can have your death. )hey can#thold as much. +r they have had your pain in some other way $ut they have not grown fromthem. )hey just stayed with it. 'nd for that, you got to have compassion at some level eventhough it is hard.

CM: )his is the truth a$out losing someone close to you. )here is a good chance that it willalways $e the most difficult painful experience of your life $ut that pain gives you a spiritualpower if you use it well. Chelsea has a depth of understanding and compassion that is not seenin most Iyearolds. 0t is true that in this way she is different. %owever, if she uses her grief togrow and serve others, she will develop an extraordinary spiritual strength and an insight intothe human situation. &he needs to recogni@e this difference and even cultivate it $ecause it can

$e used for a great deal of good in the world.

)ony: 90naudi$le


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Carol: )hat is my girl.

)ony: You can kiss each other. 0t is okay to hug each other.

Carol: 0 am so glad you told her $ecause 0 don#t think she was $elieving it lately.

)ony: 0 was there. 0 was there during the most painful moments. 0 was there when she was atthe edge. 0 was there when she chose to stay. 'nd not only was 0 there $ut there are also I;77people, I677 whatever was in those days who were also witness there. 0f you talk to them you

will find out everyone can see it. You can see the moment she chose to stay and the leverage tostay was $oth feeling someone that really felt what she feels, $ring out the most important thingin her life which is her children, which is the reason that she had to live, she knew she had to livefor you. !e had to figure how to get through it $ut she wouldn#t have gone. )here was no wayin hell she would have taken that 3 your lives. )he mind would do the most ama@ing things.?ust like your mind. Your mind will make you think that those people dependent of you reallymatters in the long term.

Chelsea: )hey used to 90naudi$le


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every &unday or anything like that $ut the one thing that Christ as a role model did is he learnedhow to love those who tried to hurt him that is why he is such a great role model. Aalai Lama#s arole model of that level. Can you imagine having your whole family killed" 'nd he still trulyexpects to know, he has wishes no pain when he prays for Chinese soldiers he is not praying likethey are lower than he is and hopefully will get conscious. %e is praying for them like a $rotherand a sister that he loves in his heart. 4andhi had the a$ility to do that. elson Mandela had

the a$ility to do that. 1very$ody has got elson Mandela in them and there is 4andhi, thosepeople aren#t extraordinary. )hey are just extraordinarily disciplined on what they focus on.'nd they have compassion for people who try to hurt them.

'nd you have done that too. You have $een a$le to forgive your sister for dying and leaving yourass with carrying the whole thing. You have $een a$le to let go of your anger at times. You have

$een willing to love your Mom even though she is not perfect. You have $een a$le to loveyourself at times even though you are not perfect and you can love these little rascals who are$eing very mischievous in trying not to hurt you $ut to try to make themselves feel important$ecause two ways to feel important do something and it take risks to figure things out. )riesstuff that is scary and do something, achieve something in your life, contri$ute something or theother way is tear every$ody else down.

)allest $uilding, $uild the tallest $uilding. 0t takes a lot of effort, energy, you could fail or teardown every$ody else#s $uilding. You have the illusion your $uilding is getting taller. You are ata stage of life where most people tear down every other else#s $uilding and 0 am sorry to tell youthat stage never goes away with most people $ut you get more people as they age, they $egin toappreciate life is a$out love and relationship and connection and not so much a$out tearingsome$ody down. )here will $e more of those $ut you have already got some around you thatmost people will not get in their lifetime. &o that is your mini seminar for the day. !hat do youthink"

Chelsea: retty good. Kery good actually.

)ony: !hat will you take from this"

Chelsea: !ell, first of all, when 0 go $ack to science, 0 really guess 0 will walk on fire, 0 will feelempowered with it. 0 don#t care. Leave me alone.

Carol: You guys had to sit here in this $oring classroom.

Chelsea: 0 was in California.

)ony: )hat is great. )he more we can have fun with the things that hurt us, the easier does.You know you can do harsh fun, playful fun, any kind of fun, generous fun, goofy fun, $ut if youcan have fun with those things that used to hurt you, they will not hurt you anymore.

CM: ow that Chelsea is aligned with a higher more mature direction for herself, )ony will turnhis attention to Carol. !hen someone has suffered a tragic loss, it can $e very difficult to openup again to romantic love. )ony will ask Carol to consider this possi$ility for her life.

)ony: ow, the next piece for you is going to $e very interesting $ecause it will $e a stage inwhich your children are all grown up and you will always $e so close to them and so much sothat sometimes they will feel suffocated and other times, they will $e so grateful $ecause they

will know how desperately they need you there $ut there will $e a stage of your life in which youmay have to start adopting more kids or you are going to have to have a man in your life.

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Carol: +h, my 4od. 0 knew you were going to talk a$out this. 0 know 0 wasn#t getting off thisone. %ow did you know to do this"

Chelsea: !ell, that is good. )his is good.

Carol: Yeah, some$ody whispered in your ear. 0t is just not a place 0 want to go.)ony: ot for you, for her.

Carol: 0 know.

)ony: o, no, no. 0 know you are listening things intellectually. 0 want you to hear me for just aminute. /or her and for all of your children $ecause what you have given them is a model of loveand that is magical and $eautiful. !hat you have given is a model of resiliency that will touchtheir lives forever $ecause somewhere inside them they have gone with you on that journey ofresiliency. &ome more than others. 0 don#t know each of your children. 0 only have herpresence to really make a judgment $y $ut 0 know the consistency of what you offered and someof them will need to $e less resilient to get attention to get love. )hey will need to have apro$lem to feel like to get attention the same way this young woman would have to come in the

world with her own spirit, her own soul $ut would also have to $e different than her sister inorder to have something uni8ue a$out her.

CM: 's parents, there is nothing so valua$le we can give our children as our example. !hateverwe may choose to say or $elieve, human $eings learn primarily $y watching others. )here comesa point when as parents, we need to assess what kind of examples we have given our children.Carol has given her children a supreme example of love and support as well as the resiliency ofliving and loving through tragedy and difficult circumstances.

ow take a moment to ask yourself: !hat examples have you lived out for your children" %aveyou $een a survivor, a hard worker, an organi@ed person, a loving person" %ave you givenexamples of charity and altruism" %ave you $een a skilful mediator helping family mem$ers to

reconcile" %ave you shown your children how to live passionately" !hat have you done in lifethat your children were not a$le to see" )ake a moment and write down some of the examples

you have given your children throughout your life.

)ony: 'nd some of those children may feel less resilient not consciously $ut unconsciously sothey can get that love and attention $ecause there are only so many hours in a day and you areplaying every role you can possi$ly play simultaneously and now she is the lead. ow she is inthe first slot. &he kind of likes that slot.

Chelsea: Yes, sounds pretty good.

)ony: &o it is a useful place to $e $ut what you have not thought them that they desperately

need2

Carol: 0 know that $ut my picker is $roken, okay"

)ony: o, it is not your picker. 0t is just your fear.

Carol: Yeah, 0 know and actually after Melissa died, some$ody had come to me and you knowhad said some to me, 0 said you know what 0 can never ever, ever, ever imagine ever going

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through that pain again. 0 cannot 3it was awful losing some$ody like that $ut 0 can imagine theperson that you wake up with every single morning $eing gone.

)ony: !ell, first of all, you happen not to have that person yet so2

Carol: +kay, the other thing is 0 already went through that stuff a few times and 0 just really

have chosen some very $ad people.

)ony: 0 understand that. >ut when is the last time you really made a choice" &hall 0 ask her"

Chelsea: +h.

Carol: 0t was may$e months the last time 0 dated.

Chelsea: You are asking a$out the last date. !e set her up on it to $e...

)ony: o, 0 mean where she consciously really chose. ot where she did something $ecauseyou guys pushed her.

Chelsea: +h, yeah we forced her.

)ony: )here is a different piece.

Carol: 0 know 0 don#t look even then. 0 know that is not.

)ony: 0 am asking you when was the last time you made such a choice" 0 want an honestanswer.

Carol: ' choice"

)ony: )o really $e with a man.

Carol: Let us see. !ell, 0 can#t remem$er. 0t has $een a long time.

)ony: %ow long is a long time"

Carol: !ell, ?onathan is ten so 0 haven#t dated.

)ony: 't least a decade"

Carol: Yeah, that sounds like a long time doesn#t it though"

)ony: %ow old are you"

Carol: 's old as you are. 0 am HJ. 0 think 0 am older.

)ony: &lightly. &o this young woman has gotten so much from you. Your children have gottenso much from you. )wo things they deserve. )hey deserve to see their Mom happy $esides

when she is serving them and $e they deserve to see a model of what is possi$le $ecauseotherwise, she is going to leave with un$elieva$le certainty. &he can $e resilient $ecause she hasproven it to herself. )his stuff she is going through right now is painful and everything else $utshe made it through that stuff. 0f she had never talked to any$ody, she will get through it. &he istoo strong inside and she is too weak inside meaning she also has connection to the part of her

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that falls apart. &he is $eautiful. &he is not denying that part of herself. +r when she needs it,she can find the strength. &he has proven it. &he is proving it to herself. !hen she is in thestate of mind where she wants love and affection even from herself, where she wants to feel forherself and feel sad, she knows how to go there $ut she will spring out of it. &he is too smart, sheis too strong, she has $een through too much and it is not intellectual, it is experiential. You willnever have to worry a$out this girl even though you will for the rest of your life and you will look

at things thinking she was making $ad choices as she will make some $ad choices $ut she willalways $ring $ack and she is $eyond okay. &he is $eautiful inside and out. &he knows morea$out who she is and she even acknowledge it to herself and that is only going to grow. &he isonly I years old, right" !hat she doesn#t know"

Carol: 0s a good relationship, she has never seen one. 0 know that.

)ony: >ut she doesn#t know is not just a good one. &he doesn#t know a great one.

Carol: >ut 0 don#t know how to do that.

)ony: &he doesn#t know a great one. &he doesn#t know what it is like to see a woman $ecompletely cherished $y a man where it is real and it is not a scam to get something physicallyfrom her even though he may want something physically from her $ut that is not the reason. %eloves every part of her physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. %e loves the cra@y parts ofher. %e loves the weak parts of her. %e loves those parts of her that are cra@y. %e loves theparts of her that are angel. &he has never seen that process nor even if she had 3 let us say shehas seen that somewhere else. &he has never seen what it really takes to $e a woman worthy ofthat. &o she may have the delusion that she needs to find a prince charming never comes

without understanding that she has to really $ecome all the parts of herself that would attractsuch a man and then it is a twoway street.

CM: )he people and processes that we o$serve at close range are the things that we learn the$est. Most people are not a$le to o$serve a wonderful relationship at close range and thereforemost people don#t know how to create a wonderful relationship. )ony is asking Carol to

consider the impact of this.

)ony: &o she either will never $elieve it is possi$le or she will live with the dream that somedayit will happen without her having to really grow, without her having to really give. &o you havegrown at levels that most people never would have to $e asked to grow. 0 don#t know what thetruth is $ut my guess is somewhere inside of us 4od or life or universe, whatever you $elieve it isdoesn#t give us tasks we are not up for. 'nd this task is in front of you right now for reasons thatare way $eyond you and that are for you. You have $een so courageous and now you wanted tostay with the courage you have $ut life doesn#t respect anything that doesn#t grow and you willget more pain till you grow. 0t has to come from another place and you are too good a womannot to have a man that will worship you and you are too fearful a woman to make those choicesright now $ut that is only one part of you that is fearful. )here is another part of you that has to

yearn $ut not when you su$limate through your children.

CM: !hen people lack an intimate relationship in their life, they tend to gravitate to the mostavaila$le other source of love and connection 3 usually their children. %owever, intimate loveand familial love are not the same and they should not $e confused.

)ony: 'nd there will $e a time if you don#t do this soon with the pain you experienced $eforewill multiply many lives over $ecause no matter how much you love and how much they loveyou, you will not $e fair to them to fill that spot for you.

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Carol: 0 know and 0 know someday, they are going to have to go away and 0 have thought a$outthat someday 0 am going to $e $y myself.

)ony: 0 know $ut that is not like someone thinking if 0 keep smoking, someday 0 will havecancer. 0t is not real to you. 0t is too far in the distance.

Carol: You are right.

)ony: 'nd here is the part 0 know a$out you. You are not a selfish woman and they have a lot of$urden she will carry as much as anyone as the oldest now to try to make sure they fill you up$ecause when you are gone, the whole existence of your $eing, your whole purpose in $eing isthen to love and take care of them and give them all the things that you could possi$ly give themto make sure they have all the experiences that Melissa didn#t have whichever ones they did tomake sure that they have all the capacity you have to love. 0t has $een 4od#s gift, the universe#sgift whatever your $elieve system#s gift to those children $ut now will come a lia$ility if you don#tfill up on your own as well and it is not fair to her to make her to $e the one to fill you up andthat is 3 she is going to $e the one of the $iggest ones and you have to do that. &o then she willhave to go from $eing angry a$out a sister who left her to have her fill her shoes to $eing angry

$ut now 0 will have to fill my mother up and then she will $eat herself up $ecause she will feelguilty saying that my Mom loved me completely and my Mom deserves that $ut then she willtorn just like you.

&omeday she will have a relationship and hopefully it is a great one and she will want to giveeverything to that relationship and then as she decides to $ecome a mother, she will have herchildren and then she will have all these pieces that have fretted you up. 0t is not an option. 'nymore than it was an option when 0 met you $efore for you to take your own life.

Carol: 0t might work. !e will you see what is in my community.

)ony: 0t doesn#t matter. %ave they seen that you made it here to California somehow and that

you are out of here right now surrounded $y other people" +r 0 have seen that you are aheartfelt soul or 0 have seen that you have courage or 0 seen that there may $e something in thatcommunity you are not really seeing just $ecause you are $lind $ecause you are scared and

$usy" 'lways $usy" 4od for$id if you found some$ody that loved you, worshipped you, sawyou for who you were and loved your children. Look at the possi$ility that will fill up them,right"

Carol: )hey are all really cool.

)ony: 0 know that. )hat is my point and in addition, 4od for$id if some$ody actually $roughtsomething to ta$le in terms of took on some of the role, the modes that you are filling all ofincluding working, including earning, including fathering that you are trying to do as well.

Carol: 0 agree with you $ecause 0 don#t think 0 can do that. 0 think that you need a mother and afather in the house. 0 $elieve that, 0 do $elieve that.

)ony: 'll the things that you have done that have made your children $e whole at this stage oflife they are $ut they will not stay whole if this part doesn#t $ecome an option for them that theycan see and experience. 'nd if you go to a date that is not the end all and $e all $ut it has $eenpretty good to you in the past.

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Carol: Yeah, a$solutely. 0t has $een.

)ony: !hat you have to $e a$le to do is the same impossi$ility that you can possi$ly continue tolive $ack then. )his may feel intense $ut 0 promise you this is not as intense as that. 0t is noteven in the same league $ut it may feel more num$ like it cannot seem possi$le.

Carol: 0 don#t know where to start. 0 feel like 0 have $een starting a new jo$ or something thatwe were talking a$out this. !hat kind is" You always say they go. You got to get a strategy.Listen to your things. You got to get a strategy. You got to2

)ony: o, no, no, no, no, no. !hat you really have to do is open up and put yourself out therein a different place and ask the same guidance that has $rought you to a place in your life today

where you could have gone through the most horrific event that most people could ever havedreamed of in your life and you will $e whole. !hatever guide did that can guide this. Aon#tundersell whatever has guided you. Aon#t under appreciate whatever has guided you.

Carol: +kay, 0 may have actually $een considering this. )his is not funny.

)ony: 0t is not consider. 0t is not consider. %oney, it is time. 'nd it is so much easier thanwhat you have $een through. You have got to remem$er that. You are going to appreciate thisman so much differently $ecause you have $een through so much crap and they know what youhave $een through to some extent. !hat they know mostly is no relationship with you. 0t ispossi$le your whole world could change. 0t has $efore.

Carol: Yeah, it has. &everal times. +kay. 0t was a wakeup call.

)ony: &o 0 am not promising what that is going to look like. 0 am just promising what initiationit is going to need to $e. 0t is going to start with your initiation, then 0 will assist you to the nextstep and then it is going to take the same courage and faith and ongoing ups and downs that ittakes to get where you want to $e.

CM: !hen you want to develop any new area of your life, it takes envisioning a result, applyingyourself and taking the opportunities that appear to you. )ony knows that in the past, takingcare of her children was the only reason why Carol chose to live. 0t is that much more importantthat she consider the journey she wants to take in life even after the children have left home.

!hat is interesting is that as soon as )ony opened up this topic, Carol mentioned that Chelseahave $rought this up repeatedly. You can see that while )ony is encouraging Carol to find arelationship, Chelsea looks more animated, happy and cheerful than she has throughout theentire conversation. )he $urden of responsi$ility over the parent very often sits with the eldestchild and Chelsea seems to have thought carefully a$out her mother#s future.

ow as we end this film, ask yourself: !hat do your children want for you" !hat is the nextstep in your life that they may see more clearly than you do" Listening to them very closely may

just change your life.

30 -Overcoming Grief - Carol 2 - Transcript

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Transcript of 30 -Overcoming Grief - Carol 2 - Transcript