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TeachEditing by PeersTo guide peer editor discussions, remind edi-tors to read the piece carefully and taketime to think about how it affects them. Is itinteresting? Is the writing clear? Does thepiece make sense? Do the parts hangtogether? Do the words put them “on thescene”? Encourage editors to begin with apositive statement before mentioning prob-lems. Emphasize that it’s all right to indicatewhere they see problems, with or withoutsuggestions about how to correct them. L2

Tape-recording aDraftStudents who have difficulty with readingcomprehension and analysis might benefitfrom tape-recording their draft before theyrevise it. Suggest that they replay the tape,draft in hand, listening and marking wordsor parts they want to change. After revising,they might want to retape a reading of theirwork and then play it for discussion with apeer editor. L1

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FocusLesson OverviewObjective• To revise a piece of writing, strengthening

it for unity and coherence

Skills• evaluating a draft; using peer reviewer

comments; revising for unity andcoherence

Critical Thinking• evaluating; defining and clarifying

Listening and Speaking• discussing; evaluating; reading aloud;

listening

BellringerDaily Language Activity

When students enter the classroom, havethis assignment on the board: Write a para-graph describing the clothes you wouldwear to a big party at your school.

Grammar Link to theBellringerHave students look through the paragraphthey have written for any misplaced ordangling modifiers.

See also Daily Language Practice

Motivating ActivityAsk whether students have ever dressed fora big occasion but then changed clothesbecause they weren’t satisfied with theiroutfit. They tried a different shirt or sweater.Point out that they were revising their out-fit—changing a shirt here or adding a jacketthere until they were satisfied. That revisionis like the revision that writers do, exceptthat writers change words, not clothes.

2.8 2.8Evaluate Your First DraftWriters need to evaluate their first drafts objectively, at times ruth-

lessly. Often it helps to put your draft aside, returning to it a few dayslater. Then you can look at it objectively,asking yourself questions like the ones in the chart.

Your fellow writers are facing the same challenges, and you can help one another. A classmate can serve as a peer reviewer, who points out what works well in your draft and what does not. Here are three ways to work with apeer reviewer.

The Writing Process

1. Is my writing interesting?2. Is it easy to follow?3. What do I like best about it?4. How can I make it better?

Questions to Consider

2.8 Revising: Checking Unity and Coherence 77

Working with a Peer Reviewer

1. Read your first draft aloud; then discuss it with a peer reviewer.

2. Let your peer reviewer read your first draft silently, making comments right on the page.

3. Give your peer reviewer an evaluation form to fill out.

Journal WritingHow successful are you at evaluating your own work? List ways inwhich a peer reviewer can help you. What other strategies mighthelp you revise more successfully?

Revising: Checking Unityand CoherenceW hen you revise your writing, work with a peer reviewer.

Check unity; all sentences and details should help supportthe main idea. Also check for coherence, adding transitions to con-nect ideas.

All writers, even famous ones, keep trying to improve their writing.Here’s how author E. B. White revised the conclusion of an essay aboutthe day American astronauts first set foot on the moon.

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LESSONLESSON

2.82.8

This humorousending adds unity bysupporting the ideathat the moonbelongs to everyone,not just Americans.

Resource Manager

Planning Resources• Lesson Plans

Transparencies• Bellringer • Daily Language Practice • Fine Art 7–12• Two-Minute Skill Drill • Writing Process 2–8

Other Print Resources• Composition Enrichment, p. 14• Composition Practice, p. 14• Composition Reteaching, p. 14• Cooperative Learning Activities

• Listening and Speaking Activitiespp. 6–8

• Thinking and Study Skills, pp. 23,25, 27–28

• Writing Assessment and EvaluationRubrics

List the three steps in working witha peer reviewer.

See also Two-Minute SkillDrill Transparency 2.8

Two-MinuteSkill Drill

Journal Writing TipAssessing Take time to discuss stu-dents’ prior experiences with self-editing and peer editing. If peerediting hasn’t helped them improvetheir writing before, encouragethem to give it another try, follow-ing the techniques suggested in thislesson. Bring out the writer’sresponsibility to recognize problemsand to work hard to correct them.

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TeachPeer EditingStrategiesIf the peer editor will be commentingdirectly on the page, suggest that studentsdouble-space their early drafts. Caution peereditors to resist making wording changes.Their job is to comment on the current draftand suggest changes that the writer willthen consider making. Editors should maketheir comments in red, green, or other col-ored pencil or pen that is easily spotted. L2

Using TechnologyStudents who regularly use word processorswill want to take advantage of the manyoptions available for revision. One of theseallows users to delete and move text at thepress of a button. Students are likely to dis-cover that they will do more and better revi-sion as they become increasingly proficientat using their word-processing program.Invite student volunteers to explain to theclass basic word-processing functions thatcan help to expedite revision. L2

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TeachUsing the ModelAs students examine the model, point outthat the boxed questions are those of thepeer reviewer; the changes and revisions inthe article itself were made by the writerafter reading the peer reviewer’s comments.To illustrate, you might read each boxeditem aloud and then ask a volunteer to findand read the corresponding revision. Helpstudents see that in the second paragraph,moving the next-to-last sentence near thebeginning of the paragraph helped correct aunity problem since both sentences areabout the New York World. L2

Peer EditingStrategiesSometimes teachers prefer to provide peereditors with evaluation forms that incorpo-rate both checklist and short-answer items.A form might include questions such as “Didyou feel a sense of satisfaction at the end?”and “What questions still need answers?”Allow space for the editor to add editorialcomments. L2

2.8 2.8Revise for UnityIn a unified paragraph, all sentences work together to support the

main idea. When you revise, look at each paragraph to see whether everysentence relates to your main idea. Any sentences that introduce irrele-vant ideas should be eliminated. The questions below will help yourevise your paragraphs for unity.

The Writing Process

1. Does my topic sentence accurately state what I want to say about my topic? Canit be more tightly focused?

2. Have I fully supported my topic sentence? Do I need to add details?3. Do all supporting statements relate to the topic sentence? Should any be

eliminated?

Checking for Unity

Examine the changes this writer made in response to her peerreviewer’s comments. Which changes add unity to her writing? Whichchanges add detail to support her topic sentence?

Bly’s biggest triumph was her attempt to beat

the record for traveling around the world set

by Phileas Fogg in Jules Verne’s novel Around

the World in Eighty Days. This popular book was

made into an equally popular movie. Bly sailed

on November 14, 1889. She rode on many forms of

transportation as she circled the globe. She

returned to New York 72 days, 6 hours, 11

minutes, and 14 seconds later.

greatest

from New York

ships, trains, sampans, horses, and burros

She had beaten the record and given her readers a thrilling adventure to share.

2.8 Revising: Checking Unity and Coherence 79

This is an interesting fact,but I don’t think it relatesto your topic sentence.

I think your readers wouldlike to know what kinds oftransportation.

Journal WritingLook at a recent piece of writing and examine it for unity. In yourjournal experiment with ways you can change specific paragraphsto add unity to your writing.

Use a Peer Reviewer’s CommentsA peer reviewer can spot problems you may not be able to see. Notice

how a peer reviewer’s comments, shown in the margin, helped onewriter.

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The paragraph below needed more extensive changes. Again, read thepeer reviewer’s suggestions in the margin. Which change corrected aproblem in unity?

Nellie Bly, who was born in Cochran Mills,

Pennsylvania, became the first celebrated woman

investigative reporter in the United States.

”Nellie Bly” was actually just her pen name.

Her real name was Elizabeth Cochran. I guess

her family must have owned the town they lived

in, because it had the same name. Her pen name

was suggested by the managing editor at The

Pittsburgh Dispatch, where she was a reporter.

in 1867

He took the name from a song by Stephen Foster.

In 1887, Nellie had joined the New York

World. At the Dispatch, she had written about

slum life and divorce. She pretended to be

insane so that she could be admitted to

Blackwell’s Island, an insane asylum near New

York. The World specialized in “muckraking,”

journalism that exposed corruption and scandal.

She saw the conditions firsthand. Her story

brought about reforms at Blackwell’s Island.

Nellie

the horrifying and inhumane treatment of the helpless inmates.

I’d like to know when Bly was born.

I really like yourintroduction, but thisdetail about the name of the town doesn’t seem to belong here.

How did the editor come up with that name?

I don’t think this sentencebelongs here.

Shouldn’t this sentence come after the first one?

What were the conditions like?

Focusing Students who have difficulty writing in English will bemore successful if they have only one type of problem tolook for as they edit a peer’s writing. You might put theediting focus on the chalkboard in the form of a question

and ask them to write their comments and suggestions onthe writer’s draft. Examples of questions are as follows: Isthe writing organized in a way that is easy to follow?Which details support the main idea, and which do not?

MEETING

MEETING

NEEDSNEEDS

MEETING

NEEDS

INDIVIDUALINDIVIDUALINDIVIDUAL English Language Learners

Journal Writing TipRestructuring Some students mayget sidetracked correcting errors inspelling and punctuation. Remindthem that their focus in the revisingstage is unity: they should makesure that the writing has one clearmain idea and that the detailsclearly support the main idea. Sug-gest that they use the questions onthis page as a guide.

Cooperative Learning

Gathering ResponsesSome students benefit from the responses of more thanone peer editor, so you may wish to use a Roundrobintechnique from time to time. Here’s how it works. In smallgroups, students take turns reading their drafts aloud.

Group members comment on the drafts as writers takenotes. Afterward, on their own, writers weigh the com-ments and make their revisions. Stress that a writer hasthe final choice about whether to accept the suggestions.

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AssessEvaluation RubricsRevise for EffectiveParagraphsUse these criteria when evaluating your stu-dents’ writing. Commend revisions that• produce strong, focused topic sentences• provide appropriate details• achieve coherence with appropriate

transitions

See also Writing Assessment & Evaluation Rubrics.

Using ComputersStudents might need individual instructionin how to accomplish this activity. Studentvolunteers might show other students howto convert transition words and phrases intoboldface type and back again to plain text.

Listening and SpeakingStudents working in pairs should evaluateeach other’s paragraphs by listening care-fully for a clear presentation of topic andchecking for unity and coherence.

ReteachingComposition Reteaching, p. 14

EnrichmentComposition Enrichment, p. 14

CloseDiscuss with students the purpose of revis-ing their writing and some of the techniquesof revision. Help students see that revisingtheir writing will make it more unified andcoherent.

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TeachLearning TogetherAfter students have revised their para-graphs, they might like to work in smallgroups to discuss the decisions they havemade about peer review comments. Haveeach student explain why they chose to useor ignore suggestions. If reviewers sug-gested different possible revisions for thesame problem, ask students why they choseone revision over another. L3

Additional Resources

Writing Process Transparencies, 2–8Cooperative Learning Activities

For further stimuli for paragraph writ-ing, see Fine Art Transparencies, 7–12.Thinking and Study Skills, pp. 23, 25,27–28Listening and Speaking Activities,pp. 6–8Composition Practice, p. 14

2.8 2.8

Revise for EffectiveParagraphs

Take another look at the draft of yourinvestigative report. Work with a peerreviewer. Then revise your paragraphs incor-porating useful peer reviewer suggestions.

PURPOSE To revise for paragraph unityAUDIENCE Yourself

LENGTH Changes on the draft

WRITING RUBRICS To revise for unity in eachparagraph, you should

• make sure that all the sentences are aboutone main idea

• check to see whether the paragraph needs atopic sentence

• see whether transition words are needed

Writing ActivitiesWriting Activities2.82.8The W

riting Process

When revising for clarity, look formisplaced or dangling modifiers.

In your sentences, place modifiers asclose as possible to the words they mod-ify so that your meaning is clear. Forexample, in the model on page 80 thewriter states:

Steaming across the country, thetrain was met at every stop by largecrowds, brass bands, and fireworks.

The reader understands that the modifierdescribes the train.

Rewrite the sentences below, correct-ing the misplaced or dangling modi-fier in each.

1. The main character in Jules Verne’snovel Around the World in Eighty Days,reporter Nellie Bly wanted to breakthe travel record of Phileas Fogg.

2. She rode on horses and camels travel-ing around the world.

3. Beating Fogg’s record, newspaperreaders shared Bly’s thrilling experience.

4. While circling the globe, the editors atthe World made Bly’s journey a front-page story.

See Lesson 18.7, pages 674–679.

2.8 Revising: Checking Unity and Coherence 81

Using ComputersTo check your use of transitions, con-vert all your transition words andphrases into boldface type. Check forawkward transitions, and see wheretransitions may be needed. Whenyou have finished revising, con-vert the entire file back to regu-lar text.

Listening and SpeakingCOOPERATIVE LEARNING To review paragraphswith a partner, try reading aloud first to evalu-ate content. After arranging your paragraphsas they will appear in the finished product,read the paragraphs aloud again and check forunity and coherence.

Revise for CoherenceIn a coherent paragraph, sentences are clearly and logically connected

to each other. Look over your writing to see whether your paragraphsflow smoothly from one idea to the next. These questions can help yourevise your paragraphs for coherence.

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1. Does each sentence follow in a logical order?2. Would another means of organizing my ideas work better?3. Do transition words and phrases clarify the relationships between ideas?

Checking for Coherence

Notice how changes in the following paragraph reflect the peerreviewer’s comments shown in the margin. How do the changes addcoherence to the writing?

While Bly circled the globe, the editors at

the World made her journey a national story. In

fact, when she returned to San Francisco, a

special train waited to carry her to New York.

In addition to daily stories about Bly’s

exploits, the World, aiming to increase its

circulation, held a contest. Whoever came closest

to guessing the time of her journey would win a

prize. The contest worked. The World received

almost one million contest entries from readers

who were following Bly’s race around the world.

Steaming across the country, the train was met at

every stop by large crowds, brass bands, and

fireworks. What’s more, the contest winner would

get a trip to Europe. Bly’s triumph sparked the

nation’s imagination.

I think you’re getting the story out of sequence here.

This belongs near thesentence where youmention the contest.

Reviewing Across the CurriculumSuggest that students bring to class something they are presently writingor working on for a specific purpose or audience—such as a book report,a history paper, a speech, or a poem. Allow them to work with a peerreviewer, in an editing group, or by themselves to revise their writing. Asthey work, circulate among them, listening and offering help when asked.

Enrichment and ExtensionAnswers(Answers will vary. The first five sentences in the exer-cise are provided as examples.)1. The reporter Nellie Bly wanted to break the travel

record of Phineas Fogg, the main character. . . .2. Traveling around the world, she rode on horses and

camels.3. Newspaper readers shared Bly’s thrilling experience

of beating . . .

4. While Bly circled the globe, the editors at the World made . . .