See Relationships Differently21 Days to

copyright Elloa Atkinson, 2014

www.elloaatkinson.com

Day 4

Throughout our lives, two forces or basic urges drive us:

Individuality + Togetherness

You might find that you are drawn more towards one or the other - perhaps youvalue "I" over "we", or vice versa.

You might also find that the way you are when you're single (perhaps veryindependent, perhaps craving a relationship) changes when you get into

relationship (you become very clingy, or you crave freedom).

pulls us towards defining who we are.

Individuality

I have my own beliefs

I am clear on whatfeels okay andwhat doesn't for me

I play with dreamingand creating goals

I am clear on what is

non-negotiable for me inrelationships

I have intereststhat are my own

I love relationships, but

I don't seek completion

through them

draws us to others for connection,approval and belonging

Togetherness

Think of how a flock of birds or herd of animals moves as if they were oneentity. That's the power of togetherness. 

Sadly, in society, we get sheeple (people being sheep), the mob and packmentality. It's not good or bad - it just is, a part of life and a biological force that

exists within us all.

I'm very independent.Apart from when I'm

ina relationship.

Then I get veryclingy.

I'm in a really nicerelationship.

I crave my ownfreedom

though and I'mterrified

of losing myself.

Here's how the individuality and togetherness forcessometimes play out.

is sometimes called fusion, when the taking on of anotherself and/or the giving up of your own self takes place.

Togetherness

Working in a restaurant, I used to hear this kind of dialogue a lot:"We don't like pasta, so we'll have the steak."

----- or -----A: "I'd like the tuna melt."

B: "But you don't like tuna!"No... it's B who doesn't like tuna :)

this fusion/codependence is automatic. It can be hard to know whereyou end and the other person begins. The lines become blurry.

At low levels of emotional maturity

Because their solid self isn't sufficiently developed, a person at lowerlevels of emotional maturity will try to complete their own lack of a

sense of self through others - by liking what they like, for example, orby always being helpful at the cost of their own well-being, or by

not expressing their own opinion.

people enjoy relationships but do notchannel their anxiety through them.

At high levels of emotional maturity

"If I am anxious, I deal with it -- yes, with the help of another or others if that iswhat I need -- but I do not dump it onto another person by verbally accusing,attacking, blaming or shaming them. Nor do I seek for them to fix me or 'make

me feel' better." ~ Emotionally mature person

As it says in ACIM: I am responsible for what I see (and how I feel)

the pull towards togetherness willstrengthen.

A person will be less able to makehealthy decisions for themselves.

When anxiety becomes acute in a relationshipor emotional system (family/workplace)...

This also happens at the start of a relationship, when a person's focus becomesall about the wonderful, shiny new person in their world. Their primary focus

shifts from self to the other.

However...

It simply means that you areHUMAN.

Togetherness does not mean that you are 'sick'.

Even emotionally mature people get codependent sometimes :)

Not compromising who you are.Clear on what you think and

how you feel.Able to make loving choices for

yourself.

The ideal scenario is to be able to be withothers and still be your bright, sparkly self

A simple way to work towards this is to take a deep breath + checkin with yourself regularly, especially when you are with others:

How do I feel right now? What am I thinking right now? What'simportant to me here?

even when you and the peoplearound you are anxious or upset

Over time, you'll be able to think clearly andmake choices based on your values and principles...

The challenge is this:

to balance the individuality +togetherness forces in relationhship

"The central dilemma in managing the individuality/togethernessforce for each person is how to keep the focus on one's own life andlife direction but still stay in open, clear communication with the

other significant people in that life." ~ Roberta Gilbert

+

Daily DareDeclare your values!

What do you stand for? What values matter toYOU? If you don't know, today is a day to ponder andplay... If you do know, today I dare you to make some kind of declaration of what you stand for. Some ideas of how to... ~ write them down + burn it as an offering... ~ make a note and put them near your desk... ~ find a quote and share it on social media~ go the whole hog and share with the worldwhat you stand for.