21 days, day 2

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Functional, pseudo self Functional, pseudo self 21 Days to See Relationships Differently Day 2 copyright Elloa Atkinson, 2014 www.elloaatkinson.com

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Transcript of 21 days, day 2

Page 1: 21 days, day 2

Functional, pseudo self Functional,

pseudo self

21 Days to

See Relationships Differently

Day 2

copyright Elloa Atkinson, 2014

www.elloaatkinson.com

Page 2: 21 days, day 2

Solid, authentic self

Solid,authentic self

Functional, pseudo self Functional,

pseudo self

You havetwo levels of self

Your solid self is what ACIM describes as who you really are. Creative, loving, astonishing.Your pseudo self is who you think you have to be, who you learned to be. You have more or less of each type of self depending on your what you learned in your family oforigin. More solid self = more emotionally mature. Less solid self = more fusion, less mature.

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Solid,authentic self

Functional,pseudo self

The good news isyou are always growing

and that means that you can choose to evolve, to grow yourauthentic self and to become more of who you really are.

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You learned how to relate, be intimate and how to deal with anxiety

in your family of origin

The basic unit of emotional functioning, family systems theory hypothesizes, might not be theindividual but the family. There is no cause and effect. Everything is connected as part of a multi-generational process

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The impact of the work you do on yourself will impact you,

and your entire family.

How cool is that?

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Functional,pseudo self

By the time a person leaves home, they've developed

a certain amount of authentic self... AND a certain level of inauthentic,strategic, controlled, 'pseudo' self 

They've learned about how much anxietyis tolerable before it needs binding orcontrolling. More on this later...

They've also learned how much comfort to seek in relationships(rather than from their authentic self), and have developed reactivepatterns, especially to emotionally intense situations.

Essentially, each of us has learned how much emotional distance is comfortable inrelationships. Our authentic self has grown a certain amount, and we each have acertain amount of inauthentic, reactive, defensive, controlling self.

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Functional,pseudo self

Then, you go out into the big wide world

and you meet a love partner.

Even if it looks like you're much more together than most of your partners, you are at thecomfortable at the same level of emotional distance as each other. In a sacred partnership, yousupport yourself and your partner to 1) remove the blocks + defences and 2) grow your authenticself. Exciting, huh?!

You attract and are attractedto partners with the same level of emotional maturity asyou. Yes. Really. I know. Ouch.

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Functional,pseudo self

Some indicators of your level of

emotional maturityLower levels (i.e. acting from your defences,not your authentic self)

Repeat patterns of the past that don't serveIntense reactions during emotionally intensetimesPoor boundariesNot knowing who you areLittle ability to choose principled thinking -feelings take overAttempt to complete self through othersBelieving others are responsible for youremotional well-being

A feeling of 'needing' othersNot sure where you begin andothers endRelationships are difficult to navigateDifficulty with decision makingStruggle to trust yourselfLots of fearClassic 'codependency' traits

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Functional,pseudo self

Some indicators of your level of

emotional maturityHigher levels (i.e. acting from your authentic self,not your defences)

Free from the need to seek acceptance andapprovalBelief in one's own inherent loveabilityCommitted to living in accordance with one'sown valuesIn regular contact with your inner guideAbility to choose how to respond in times ofanxietySmoother running relationshipsAbility to self-soothe and calm yourself

Anxiety is resolved instead ofbound - less reactivityGreater sense of self Less compromising of authentic selfwhen with others (esp. family)Awareness of what one is thinking,feeling, fearingLess seeking of self in othersFocus in relationships is on self, notother

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Functional,pseudo self

This is how you learn to be a

part-time loveri.e. not fully present or available

And why, if you keep attracting unavailable people, it is becausethey are reflecting to you how much

emotional distance you are comfortablewith.

Do the work inthis area,

either alone orwith yourpartner,

and things will change.

Don't despair!

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Solid, authentic self

Solid,authentic self

Functional, pseudo self Functional,

pseudo self

Your task isto grow a self

We are on a journey of removing the blocks to the awareness of love's presence. Each of us hasbuilt up a set of defences, many of which help us function and even appear to be healthy fromthe outside. As we remove these blocks, we are faced with the creative task of growing a self.

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Solid,authentic self

Functional, pseudo self Functional,

pseudo self

Day 2Daily Dare

Today, do at least oneconscious thing for yourselfthat you wouldn't normally do,from a place of solidness +authenticity.

Some ideas:- Get into your body - move, dance, doyoga- Self-soothe: walk in nature, meditate, takea hot bubble bath- Take a risk - look in the mirror and say "Ilove you". See what it's like if you mean it.- Do something creative + new

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Functional, pseudo self

Day 2Kick ass question

How comfortable is your family of origin (thefamily you grew up in) with anxiety?

What did you learn in your family about emotionalcloseness/ distance?

What is your response to the idea that we attractpartners at the same level of emotional maturity asus?

Journal, ponder, meditate - it's up to you (NewYork, New York)