21 days, day 2

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  • Functional, pseudo self Functional, pseudo self 21Daysto See Relationships Differently Day 2 copyright Elloa Atkinson, 2014 www.elloaatkinson.com
  • Solid, authentic self Solid, authentic self Functional, pseudo self Functional, pseudo self Youhave two levels of self Your solid self is what ACIM describes as who you really are. Creative, loving, astonishing. Your pseudo self is who you think you have to be, who you learned to be. You have more or less of each type of self depending on your what you learned in your family of origin. More solid self = more emotionally mature. Less solid self = more fusion, less mature.
  • Solid, authentic self Functional, pseudo self Thegoodnewsis you are always growing andthatmeansthatyoucanchoosetoevolve,togrowyour authenticselfandtobecomemoreofwhoyoureallyare.
  • Youlearnedhowtorelate,beintimateandhowtodealwithanxiety in your family of origin Thebasicunitofemotionalfunctioning,familysystemstheoryhypothesizes,mightnotbethe individualbutthefamily.Thereisnocauseandeffect.Everythingisconnectedaspartofamulti- generationalprocess
  • Theimpactoftheworkyoudoonyourselfwillimpactyou, and your entire family. Howcoolisthat?
  • Functional, pseudo self Bythetimeapersonleaveshome,they'vedeveloped a certain amount of authentic self ...ANDacertainlevelofinauthentic, strategic,controlled,'pseudo'self They've learned about how much anxiety is tolerable before it needs binding or controlling. More on this later... They'vealsolearnedhowmuchcomforttoseekinrelationships (ratherthanfromtheirauthenticself),andhavedevelopedreactive patterns,especiallytoemotionallyintensesituations. Essentially, each of us has learned how much emotional distance is comfortable in relationships. Our authentic self has grown a certain amount, and we each have a certain amount of inauthentic, reactive, defensive, controlling self.
  • Functional, pseudo self Then,yougooutintothebigwideworld and you meet a love partner. Evenifitlookslikeyou'remuchmoretogetherthanmostofyourpartners,youareatthe comfortableatthesamelevelofemotionaldistanceaseachother.Inasacredpartnership,you supportyourselfandyourpartnerto1)removetheblocks+defencesand2)growyourauthentic self.Exciting,huh?! You attract and are attracted to partners with the same level of emotional maturity as you. Yes. Really. I know. Ouch.
  • Functional, pseudo self Someindicatorsofyourlevelof emotional maturity Lower levels (i.e. acting from your defences, not your authentic self) Repeatpatternsofthepastthatdon'tserve Intensereactionsduringemotionallyintense times Poorboundaries Notknowingwhoyouare Littleabilitytochooseprincipledthinking- feelingstakeover Attempttocompleteselfthroughothers Believingothersareresponsibleforyour emotionalwell-being Afeelingof'needing'others Notsurewhereyoubeginand othersend Relationshipsaredifficulttonavigate Difficultywithdecisionmaking Struggletotrustyourself Lotsoffear Classic'codependency'traits
  • Functional, pseudo self Someindicatorsofyourlevelof emotional maturity Higher levels (i.e. acting from your authentic self, not your defences) Freefromtheneedtoseekacceptanceand approval Beliefinone'sowninherentloveability Committedtolivinginaccordancewithone's ownvalues Inregularcontactwithyourinnerguide Abilitytochoosehowtorespondintimesof anxiety Smootherrunningrelationships Abilitytoself-sootheandcalmyourself Anxietyisresolvedinsteadof bound-lessreactivity Greatersenseofself Lesscompromisingofauthenticself whenwithothers(esp.family) Awarenessofwhatoneisthinking, feeling,fearing Lessseekingofselfinothers Focusinrelationshipsisonself,not other
  • Functional, pseudo self Thisishowyoulearntobea part-time lover i.e.notfullypresentoravailable Andwhy,ifyoukeepattractingunavailablepeople,itisbecause they are reflecting to you how much emotional distance you are comfortable with. Do the work in this area, either alone or with your partner, and things will change. Don't despair!
  • Solid, authentic self Solid, authentic self Functional, pseudo self Functional, pseudo self Yourtaskis to grow a self Weareonajourneyofremovingtheblockstotheawarenessoflove'spresence.Eachofushas builtupasetofdefences,manyofwhichhelpusfunctionandevenappeartobehealthyfrom theoutside.Asweremovetheseblocks,wearefacedwiththecreativetaskofgrowingaself.
  • Solid, authentic self Functional, pseudo self Functional, pseudo self Day2 Daily Dare Today, do at least one conscious thing for yourself that you wouldn't normally do, from a place of solidness + authenticity. Someideas: -Getintoyourbody-move,dance,do yoga -Self-soothe:walkinnature,meditate,take ahotbubblebath -Takearisk-lookinthemirrorandsay"I loveyou".Seewhatit'slikeifyoumeanit. -Dosomethingcreative+new
  • Functional, pseudo self Day2 Kick ass question How comfortable is your family of origin (the family you grew up in) with anxiety? What did you learn in your family about emotional closeness/ distance? What is your response to the idea that we attract partners at the same level of emotional maturity as us? Journal,ponder,meditate- it'suptoyou(NewYork,NewYork)