2014 Enditnow Emphasis Day Packet Final

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enditnow Emphasis Day 2014

Resource Packet

“Freedom in Relationships”

Written byElaine Oliver, M, !"#E, an$ Willie Oliver, P%D, !"#E

Directors o& "amily Ministries'eneral !on&erence o& (eventh)$ay $ventists

***+&amily+a$ventist+or

E$ite$ by !arolyn -u.a*a

Prepared by the General Conference

Abuse Prevention Emphasis Day Committee$ventist !haplaincy Ministries

Adventist Review!hil$ren/s Ministries

E$ucation Department"amily Ministries%ealth Ministries

Ministerial ssociationWomen/s Ministries outh Ministries

http***+en$itno*+or

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http://www.family.adventist.org/http://www.enditnow.org/http://www.enditnow.org/http://www.family.adventist.org/


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pril 23, 2014

Dear (isters,

t is *ith a heart o& thanks to 'o$ an$ to our *riters that *e sen$ you thepacket o& materials &or the 2014 enditnow™ 5PED6 Day, *hich is hel$annually on the &ourth (abbath o& uust in our churches aroun$ the *orl$+

7he theme o& this packet is 8"ree$om in Relationships+9 Dr+ Willie an$ ElaineOliver, "amily Ministries co)$irectors at the 'eneral !on&erence, have *rittenthis packet *ith much prayer an$ $e$ication to this urent issue o& abusean$ the harm it $oes *ithin our churches an$ our communities+

One o& the reatest challenes *e &ace in our church, as in society at lare,

is the violence an$ abuse takin place *ithin the &amily+ t is a sa$ &act thatmany o& our sisters, brothers, an$ chil$ren *ithin the church &amily aresu:erin &rom abuse+ n the (abbath sermon, the Olivers look at thechallenes $ventist &amilies &ace, the *ay some have misuse$ the Wor$ o&'o$ to .usti&y their abuse, an$ the mo$el 'o$ has iven us to &ollo*, a mo$eliven by a lovin 'o$ *ho $esires that *e re;ect %is love in our &amilies,that *e value an$ respect every in$ivi$ual as a person love$ an$ value$ bylmihty 'o$+

t is our sincere prayer that as you present this material in your churches the%oly (pirit *ill *ork in the lives o& the hearers, brinin conviction an$

chane+ #et us not be so un*ise as to believe 8it can/t happen here+9 #et usa*aken to the vital importance o& this messae+ n$ as *e stu$y 'o$/smo$el, may *e become eoy&ully,

%eather)Da*n (mall, Director

Table of Contents

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bout theuthors???????????????????????????????++4

(ueste$ Or$er o&

(ervice??????????????????????????++@

!hil$ren/s (tory A"aith an$ a Bo< o& !ereal9++???????????????++C

(ermon 8"ree$om in Relationships9+???++????????????????++3

(eminar 8Becomin Po*er&ul by Empo*erin9+++???????++++++++++++++++1@

(ermon "ootnotes++??????????????????????????????+24

About the Authors

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Willie an$ Elaine Oliver are $irectors o& the Department o& "amily Ministries&or the 'eneral !on&erence o& (eventh)$ay $ventists+ n or$aine$ minister,Willie Oliver hol$s a PhD in "amily (ocioloy an M in Pastoral !ounselin

an M in (ocioloy an$ a B in 7heoloy+ %e is the &ormer Director o& "amilyMinistries &or the orth merican Division o& (eventh)$ay $ventists, thetlantic Fnion !on&erence, an$ the 'reater e* ork !on&erence+ %e alsoserve$ as a senior pastor an$ youth pastor in e* ork !ity, an$ is ana$.unct pro&essor at the (eventh)$ay $ventist 7heoloical (eminary atn$re*s Fniversity+

Elaine Oliver hol$s an M in !ounselin Psycholoy an M in %iher an$$ult E$ucation an$ a B in business manaement an$ accountin+ (he iscurrently pursuin a PhD in Psycholoy+ Prior to her current position, sheserve$ as a university a$ministrator an$ as a marriae an$ &amily consultant

&or the orth merican Division o& the (eventh)$ay $ventist !hurch+

7he Olivers have con$ucte$ marriae con&erences, retreats, an$ relationshipseminars aroun$ the *orl$+ 7hey are &oun$ers o& 8"rom 7his Day "or*ar$9marriae con&erences, an$ 8>ourney 7o*ar$ ntimacy9 marriae con&erences+ 7hey are authors o& Relationship Rx column in Message maaGine, as *ell asmany other articles an$ book chapters+ 7hey are e$itors o& the annual Family Ministries Planbook , an$ they host marriae an$ &amily strentheninprorams on %ope 7H an$ IB+ 7he Olivers pro$uce an$ host a *eekly&amily proram on the %ope !hannel calle$ Real Family Talk with Willie andElaine liver!

Willie an$ Elaine Oliver have been marrie$ &or over 2J years an$ are theparents o& t*o youn a$ults=>essica an$ >ulian+ n their spare time theyen.oy takin lon *alks, beach vacations, ar$enin, e


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SUGGESTED ORDER OF SERVICEenditnow Emphasis Day - August 2014

Prelude

Responsive Readin! (D %ymnal) A"ope and #om$ort A 3JC

"nvocation

#ymn of Praise! )8%o&nd the 'attle #ry A C14

$cripture Readin!

'alatians @22)2C, (B ABut the &ruit o& the spirit is love, .oy, peace,patience, kin$ness, oo$ness, &aith&ulness, entleness, sel&)control aainstsuch thins there is no la*+ o* those *ho belon to !hrist >esus havecruciKe$ the ;esh *ith its passions an$ $esires+ & *e live by the (pirit, let usalso *alk by the (pirit+ #et us not become boast&ul, challenin one another,envyin one another+

%&erin

Prayer for the o&erin

Children's $tory! AFaith and a 'ox o$ #erealA

Pastoral Prayer

$pecial (usic

$ermon!“Freedom in Relationships”

#ymn of Response! A"appy the "omeA

(%eventh)day Adventist #h&r*h "ymnal + ,--

)enediction

Postlude

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Children*s %b+ect ,essonFaith and a Box of C!a"

ote 7his ob.ect lesson is to help chil$ren un$erstan$ &aith+ t is $iLcult &orchil$ren, especially youner ones, to believe in somethin they cannot see+ 7helesson helps them un$erstan$ that even thouh they $on/t see 'o$, %e is al*ayspresent an$ al*ays loves them no matter *hat the situation+

For this ob.e*t lesson yo& will need lare cereal bo< *ith cereal 5choose one that is &amiliar to the chil$ren6 lare empty cereal bo< *ith crayons in it 5one small bo< o& crayons *ill *ork62 cereal bo*ls rocery ba

'e$ore the lesson/ pla*e the $o&r items in the gro*ery bag!(lo*ly, pull out the cereal bo< containin the crayons &rom the rocery ba an$

sho* it to the chil$ren+ ou can even shake the bo< a little+(ay to the chil$ren 8Raise your han$ i& you can uess *hat/s in this bo


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$ermonF!do# in R"ationshi$s

"ntroduction

People aroun$ the *orl$ are closely &ollo*in the me$ia coverae o&the Oscar Pistorius trial takin place in Pretoria, (outh &rica+ Oscar Pistoriusis a lea$in (outh &rican runner *ho *on attention as an athlete *ith a$isability, competin not only in the Paralympic 'ames but also in the 2012(ummer Olympics+ n "ebruary 201I, he *as chare$ *ith shootin to $eathhis irl&rien$ Reeva (teenkamp+ %e claims he mistook her &or an intru$er+

s o& the *ritin o& this piece, the .u$e has not yet ma$e a $ecision inthis case, an$ *e $on/t kno* *hether Oscar Pistorius *as $e&en$in himsel&or ha$ planne$ to kill his irl&rien$+ What *e $o kno* is that violence has

inva$e$ our society an$ there are many cases that *ill never make thehea$lines+ "amilies are bein torn apart by senseless violence riht in theiro*n homes as many people are choosin violence as the primary means o&interactin *ith each other+ 7he impact o& these choices is incre$ibly &ar)reachin an$ very $estructive to in$ivi$uals an$ &amilies+

While *e may not be able to control the violence aroun$ us, the oo$ne*s &or !hristians is that the po*er o& 'o$ is available to all o& us inunlimite$ supply+ 'o$/s *or$ is Klle$ *ith counsel on ho* to buil$ healthyan$ stron relationships, especially in our &amilies+ 7o$ay, *e *ill brie;y lookat the $estructive nature o& violence an$ abuse in the &amily, an$ *e *ill

revie* 'o$/s oriinal intent an$ per&ect plan &or our relationships an$&amilies+

Our sermon to$ay is title$ 8"ree$om in Relationships9+

A Godly ,oo at Relationships

n 'alatians @22)2C 5(B6 the Bible says 2'&t the $r&it o$ the spirit islove/ .oy/ pea*e/ patien*e/ kindness/ goodness/ $aith$&lness/ gentleness/ sel$)*ontrol0 against s&*h things there is no law! 1ow those who belong to #hrist 3es&s have *r&*i4ed the 5esh with its passions and desires! 6$ we live by the%pirit/ let &s also walk by the %pirit! 7et &s not be*ome boast$&l/ *hallengingone another/ envying one another!

n *ritin the letter to the 'alatians Paul ha$ three closely relate$purposes in min$ 16 %e *as $e&en$in his authority as an apostle becausesome ha$ $oubte$ his authenticity, 26 he *as proclaimin the ospelmessae, an$ I6 he *as sho*in that the ospel messae coul$ be applie$

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to our $aily livin as !hristians an$ that this *as possible throuh the po*ero& the %oly (pirit+

n this passae, Paul remin$s us that a&ter a person becomes a

!hristian, the nee$ &or &aith in !hrist $oes not $iminish+ We are to live ourlives $aily by &aith, throuh the po*er o& >esus !hrist an$ the %oly (pirit+ 7his$epen$ence on 'o$/s ui$ance is &or assistance in avoi$in theconseuences o& our behaviors as mani&este$ by our natural sin&ul selves+ i Paul is sho*in that &ree$om in !hrist is a (pirit)ui$e$ li&e)style 8*ithin thelimits o& a ne* la*/ iven by !hrist the la* o& love+9

7rue &ree$om in !hrist is not about sel&)in$ulence that lea$s believers to actin $estructive *ays to*ar$ others, but true &ree$om mani&ests itsel& in loveto*ar$s 'o$ an$ love to others+ %o*ever, true love $oesn/t come naturally+n &act, it is aainst the ;esh hence, it is necessary to be ui$e$ by the %oly

(pirit in our actions, attitu$es, an$ $ecisions+

Abuse of $cripture and Theoloy

While the basic messae o& the Bible is #ove, *hen *e e


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people are the taret o& violence, an$ the victims that touch our hearts themost are the chil$ren+ nyone can be a victim o& violence ho*ever,statistics tell us that *omen an$ chil$ren are the primary tarets+ Men arealso victims o& abuse an$ violence, but in smaller numbers 5this may be $ueto lack o& reportin6+ Rear$less o& *ho the victim is, $omestic or &amily

violence is incompatible *ith 'o$/s Wor$+

/hat is Domestic .iolence0

#et/s Krst look at some $eKnitions an$ eneral in&ormation about$omestic violence+ Domestic violence inclu$es physical abuse, se


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• Every year, 1 in I &emale homici$e victims is mur$ere$ by hercurrent or &ormer partner+

The 1amilies!

• Every year, more than I million chil$ren *itness $omestic violence

in their homes+• 7hirty to si


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an$ because o& these imper&ections *e *ill strule in applyin biblicalprinciples to our relationships+ We must seek 'o$/s ui$ance &or race an$strenth to attain true &ree$om in our relationships+

s *e stu$y the Ol$ an$ e* 7estaments, *e can i$enti&y &our basic

elements that are essential to healthy relationships an$ *ill brin true&ree$om in our relationships+ 7hese elements are covenant, race,empo*erment, an$ intimacy+

34 Covenant! 7he Krst element that brins &ree$om in relationships is'o)nant + 7he Krst biblical mention o& a covenant is &oun$ in 'enesis C1Q,in *hich 'o$ makes a covenant *ith oah+ 7he secon$ biblical re&erence in*hich 'o$ makes a covenant is &oun$ in 'enesis 1@1Q, *here a covenant ise


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$estroys the covenant 'o$ *ants us to $evelop in marriae+

n close &rien$ships, in marriae, an$ in parentin, 'o$ ives usopportunities to better un$erstan$ %is love &or us, an$ the plan o& salvation+n$ it is especially a part o& 'o$/s plan &or the marriae relationship an$ the

parentchil$ relationship to $evelop into uncon$itional t*o)*aycommitments+

54 Grace! 7he secon$ element that brins $reedom in relationships is g!a'+'o$ *ants us to un$erstan$ that race is about &orivin an$ bein&oriven))Matthe* C1@+

"amily relations as $esine$ by 'o$ are meant to be live$ out in anatmosphere o& race, not la*+ "amily li&e base$ upon contract lea$s to anatmosphere o& la*, *hile &amily li&e base$ upon covenant lea$s to anatmosphere o& race an$ &oriveness+ n an atmosphere o& race, &amily

members act responsibly out o& love an$ consi$eration &or one another+ n a&amily base$ on la*, per&ection *ill be $eman$e$ o& each other+ 7hisapproach to relatin, a$$s uilt to the &ailure that is inevitable because o& our&allen an$ broken human con$ition 5Romans I2I)246+ #et/s &ace the reality o& li&e *e are all oin to make mistakes in our relationships+ 7here is nohumanly possible *ay o& ettin aroun$ this &act, thouh many may be in$enial o& its eesus !hrist an$ the messae &oun$ in the parables %e share$, *e o&ten &ail

to o:er race to one another in relationships+

Davi$ (eaman$s, a !hristian counselor, suests that the t*o maincauses o& most emotional problems amon !hristians are 16 the &ailure toun$erstan$, receive, an$ live out 'o$/s uncon$itional race an$ &orivenessan$ 26 &ailure to ive out that uncon$itional love, &oriveness, an$ race toother people+ 7he oo$ ne*s o& the 'ospel has not really been un$erstoo$ inour lives so *e &ail to &orive one another as *e &ail to &orive ourselves &or&aults *e are boun$ to make *hile travelin the roa$ o& $iscipleship+ 7he$isciple is not per&ect, simply &oriven+vi

Ellen /hite tells us in ;ospel Workers/ 8#ove imparts to its possessorrace, propriety, an$ comeliness o& $eportment+ t illuminates thecountenance an$ sub$ues the voice it reKnes an$ elevates the entirebein+9 5White 1J1@, p+ 12I6 vii

We o:er race an$ &oriveness to those *e have $eci$e$ to love an$ have$etermine$ to be in relationship *ith, because tomorro*, *e are the ones

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*ho *ill nee$ to be the recipients o& that race+

Because o& 'o$/s race, *hether or not *e are rea$y to believe thisveriKe$ truism, there isn/t anythin *e can $o to make %im love us morebut more importantly, make no mistake, there isn/t anythin *e can $o to

make %im love us less+ n$ yet, *hen *e love 'o$, it is %is race that ivesus the po*er to obey %im, an$ *hen *e obey 'o$, our lives are live$ toover;o*in+ Brothers an$ sisters, la$ies an$ entlemen, it is this race that*ill ive our relationships the peace an$ security *e each nee$ to Kn$&ree$om in relationship+

64 Empowerment! 7he thir$ element that brins &ree$om in relationships isthe notion o& #$o*!#nt + 'o$ *ants us to kno*, $eKnitively, that li&e isabout service+ 7hat is, servin one another+

Empowerment is a biblical concept &or the use o& po*er, *hich, *ithout

eesus

!hrist that our &amily members must emulate most+ & *e are able to practiceempo*erment in our &amilies, it *ill revolutioniGe the vie* o& authority in!hristian homes+ !oercion an$ manipulation are the opposite o&empo*erment+ 7hey are a $istortion o& *hat true po*er is+ Empo*erment isabout mutuality an$ unity+

74 "ntimacy! 7he &ourth an$ Knal element that brins $reedom inrelationships is intima*y + ntimacy means kno*in someone an$ beinkno*n by that person in a covenant relationship+

%uman beins have the capacity, iven them by 'o$, to kno* each

other intimately+ 7he intimacy that $am an$ Eve &elt *as the ability to bethemselves *ithout any pretense+ 7hey ha$ no nee$ to play $eceptiveames *ith one another because they ha$ respect &or one another an$$i$n/t abuse one another 5'enesis 22@6+

(hame is born out o& &ear o& bein kno*n intimately+ Where shame ispresent, &amily members put on masks an$ bein to play $eceptive roles &oreach other+ By contrast, as *e e


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$eminar8)ecomin Powerful by Empowerin9

Theme! n the Ol$ an$ e* 7estaments there are &our elements thatcharacteriGe healthy, 'o$like relationships !ovenant, 'race, Empo*ermentan$ ntimacy+ ll o& these traits come toether to &orm a true covenantrelationship that represents the kin$ o& relationship 'o$ inten$s &or %is

people+

%b+ective! n this seminar *e *ill &ocus primarily on empo*erment+ 7heprimary ob.ective is to i$enti&y a mo$el o& po*er that comes throuhempo*erment &or healthier relationships+

1ormat! 7his *orkshop can be presente$ as one *orkshop *ith t*o parts ort*o separate *orkshops+

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Part One Po*er an$ !ontrol in RelationshipsPart 7*o Empo*erin One nother

Part %ne! Power and Control

7he *ill to $ominate is one o& the stronest human ten$encies=to not onlybe in control o& ourselves but also to control others+ Po*er is a $imension&oun$ in all human relationships+ 5Bals*ick S Bals*ick, 20036

n $omestic violence there is al*ays a po*er imbalance or misuse o& po*er+Domestic violence is characteriGe$ by &ear, control, an$ harm+ One person inthe relationship uses coercion or &orce to control the other person or other&amily members+ 7he abuse can be physical, se


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/hat are possible sources of learned behavior of abusers0

16 Observin parents26 PeersI6 Misinterpretation o& biblical teachins46 Me$ia T .okes, cartoons, soap operas, movies that portray control

an$ abuse in an intimate relationship as normative+

(ince there *ere no neative conseuences, the abuser learne$ that

violence *orke$ it ot him *hat he *ante$=either the submission orcompliance o& their spouse or other &amily member+ Para$o


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1acts about Abuser's ;eed for Power

16 Batterin is not the result o& an abuser 5or batterer6 bein out o&control it is the attempt o& the batterer to stay in control+ %e ets tochoose his behavior+

26 7he abuser/s nee$ to control &amily members appears to increase *ithstress in his li&e+

a+ (tress may be internal 5inability to communicate *ith spouse,chil$ is not $oin *ell in school, parent $ie$, $inner is late6+ %emay &eel $isappointment *ith his &amily but mostly *ith himsel&+

b+ (tress may be e


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,- Th )i'ti# dos not 'aus a(us+ 7he behavior o& the victim $oesnot cause the abuser/s violence+ %elpin a victim to chane theirbehavior such as *earin prettier clothes, cookin nicer meals, losin*eiht, *ill not stop the violence+ t is the abuser, not the victim, *hois in control o& the violence+

4- Th A(us! is not an og!+ %e may be a oo$ provi$er, a oo$&ather, an upstan$in member o& the church an$ community+ %e maybe very charmin an$ outoin+ %is *i&e may love him an$ beemotionally $epen$ent on him+ (a$ly, this $oes not mean that he isnot abusin members o& his &amily+ t is sometimes $iLcult to believe a*oman *ho tells ho* violent an$ abusive her husban$ is at home*hen at church he behaves like the nicest, kin$est, an$ most reliablemember+ %er story contra$icts *hat everyone in the public arena has*itnesse$ hence the ten$ency is to trust one/s o*n e


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Part Two! Empowerin %ne Another

(ince the beinnin o& history there have been po*er strules bet*een&amily members+ 7here *as $am an$ Eve aainst 'o$+ 7he Krst act o&aression in the Bible *as !ain killin his brother bel out o& .ealousy+ 7hese po*er strules remin$ us o& the $istortion that has occurre$ inhuman relationships since the &all+ Everythin that 'o$ create$ per&ect has

been corrupte$ an$ $istorte$ by the evil one+ 5Bals*ick S Bals*ick, 20036

%o*ever, the messae o& restoration an$ rene*al is seen throuhout the Ol$an$ e* 7estaments+ 'o$ has provi$e$ a *ay &or us to lea$ lives o&empo*erment an$ service throuh %is resurrection an$ the empo*erin o&the %oly (pirit+ We are calle$ to buil$ each other up this is the privilee an$opportunity o& the empo*erin process+

7ypes o& Po*er

uthority vs+ Dominance

• #eitimate po*er is authority

• lleitimate po*er is $ominance

#eitimate po*er is usually sanctione$ by society an$ thus possessesauthority+ "or e


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Dominance is po*er that is taken *ithout bein sanctione$ by societythere&ore it is consi$ere$ illeitimate+ "or instance, some parents may obeyon$ their boun$aries o& leitimate po*er or may nelect theirresponsibilities an$ *ill have their leitimate po*er taken a*ay &rom them

by society, e++, chil$ abuse or chil$ nelect+

Po*er that is aine$ throuh $ominance or intimi$ation is the opposite o& theempo*erin mo$el that is represente$ in the scriptures+

sk roup What is Empo*erment

Webster/s Dictionary $eKnes 8empo*er9 as 8to ive po*er to authoriGe toenable+9

Bals*ick an$ Bals*ick say this about empo*erment

Empo*erment is born out o& 'o$/s covenant love an$ the incre$iblerace *e Kn$ in !hrist >esus+ 7he (pirit o& 'o$ empo*ers us toempo*er others+ n$ *hen mutual empo*erment occurs amon&amily members, each *ill be stretche$ in the e


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Democratic E


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barainin an$ neotiatin po*er+ %ence, parents have the Knal say in the$ecision makin process+5Bals*ick S Bals*ick, 20036

The $elf-"nterest (odel

(ociety to$ay is Klle$ in$ivi$ualistic materialism an$ sel&)intereste$he$onism+ 8What/s in it &or me9 is the ma.or concern o& many+ n this mo$el89 is number one, an$ personal interests an$ nee$s come be&ore theinterests o& the larer system+ n this mo$el, everyone vies &or a place o&authority+ 7his lea$s to a very chaotic system+ "amily members are$isenae$ an$ Kn$ very little support+

Empowerment

7he empo*erment mo$el assumes that the task o& the more po*er&ul &amilymembers is to buil$ up or li&t up the less po*er&ul &amily members+ 7he

concept o& empo*erment as a &amily mo$el may not be &oun$ in thescholarly literature ho*ever, it is e


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When *e empo*er one another in the &amily, *e buil$ hih trust in therelationship+ When *e misuse po*er by $ominance an$ coercion, *e tear$o*n trust+ 7rust is the key in the empo*erin process+ 5!ovey, 1JJ36

Parents *ho empo*er their chil$ren an$ prepare them &or responsibleinter$epen$ence *ill provi$e their chil$ren *ith the skills necessary to live ashealthy a$ults an$ buil$ an$ maintain healthy relationships+ When parentsuse unhealthy &orms o& po*er an$ control *ith chil$ren, the chil$ren *illro* up $etache$ &rom their &amily an$ learn neative *ays o& usin po*eran$ relatin to others+

'o$/s covenant love an$ the incre$ible race *e Kn$ in >esus !hristempo*er us to empo*er others+ When mutual empo*erment occurs amon&amily members, each *ill ro* e


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White, E+ '+ 7he $ventist %ome+

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i /#cker%, /. ., B+ler, . "., "rc, ". ., c#++, . ., llis !i+, . A., i+e, J. ., & #l!a

Bile -lisers (as$ille, . . (1992). Holman Bible Handbook . as$ille, : #l!a Bile

-lisers.

ii a+i#al "#ali+i# Aais+ /#!es+ic i#lece ("A/) ac+see+. omestic Violence !acts"

iii *ai+ rs+ s+i++e, !A#s about child abuse. www.ai++rs+is+i++e.#r.

i$Bals*ick, >ack O S >u$ith -+ Bals*ick+ 2014+ 4th E$ition+ The Family A #hristianPerspe*tive on the #ontemporary "ome+ 'ran$ Rapi$s, M Baker Book %ouse+

$ %orn, (ie&rie$ %, e$+ 1J3J+ %eventh)day Adventist 'ible i*tionary!%aersto*n, MD Revie* an$ %eral$ Publishin ssociation+

$i (eaman$s, Davi$+ pril 10, 1JQ1+ 8Per&ectionism "rauht *ith "ruits o& (el&)Destruction,9 in #hristianity Today +

vii White, Ellen+ 1J1@+ ;ospel Workers+ Washinton, D+!+ Revie* an$ %eral$Publishin ssociation+
http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/

2014 Enditnow Emphasis Day Packet Final

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