7/28/2019 2013 Personal Statement Anonymous Reader Feedback Form

1/1

Personal Statement Anonymous Reader Feedback Form| Spring 2013

Please use this form to provide a combination of warm and cool feedback for students (up to 5 brief comments

along with your suggestion for their Application Status. Rejected applications will be resubmitted after revision

have been made. In order to make this process helpful to students, constructive feedback is key.

Student ID #: 31971

Evaluator ID #:d

Application Status (accepted/conditionally accepted/rejected): conditionally accepted

Organization and Focus (clear main ideas and supporting details, stays on topic)

Positive Feedback:

Flows well from set-up -> event -> reflection. Details allow reader to visualize events and follow you in your

story.

Suggestion for Improvement:

You start off by saying your dad was a bully and that he was selfish but its not clear how those characteristics

connect to him beating your mom. Since thats the central event in your essay, some context would make it

stronger.

Originality (vivid details, fresh word choices, creativity, risk-taking)

Positive Feedback:

Lots of feeling words throughout and reader is kept in loop with your thought-process. Vivid imagery with thesmells at the apt.

Suggestion for Improvement:

A few words/phrases used slightly awkwardly: my innocent imagination was sabotaged fromme, every

time I accomplish to do so, and commit horrifying actions in againsthis own family

You use innocent imagination twice in back-to-back sentences. Any other way to say this? You also do this

with value my everyday life.

Writers Voice (consistent throughout, engaging, conveys individual personality)

Positive Feedback:

Strong voice throughout. Reflective of how the event affected you. The variety in sentence structures makes it

interesting to read.

Suggestion for Improvement:

I want a little more towards the end that tells me what it means for you to value your life (what do you

do/say/think when you are someone who values ones own life?).

Freedom from Error (spelling, grammar, punctuation, usage)

Positive Feedback:

Generally good punctuation and spelling

Suggestion for Improvement:

Several minor errors throughout. Mostly wrong words such as lead instead of led and typos like It whereit should be I. A couple shifts in tenses. Read over carefully.

Un-capitalize mother, capitalize Pokemon.

Overall Success (interesting topic, clearly developed)

Positive Feedback:

It takes courage to tell this type of story. The simple fact that your personal statement is courageous

demonstrates the courage you talk about in your last paragraph and that drives home the success of your

essay.

Suggestion for Improvement:

None in this specific area. Improvements in other categories will improve the overall success of the essay.