2 Types of Marriage: 1)Negative Sentiment Override - NSO

• 1:1 = DivorceNSO is based on a few basic processes that spiral out of control:

Conflict shows a pattern of Demand change and Withdraw from the discussion; Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA) is high especially during arguments, with elevated heart rate, perspiration, and pulse

Women are more likely to begin with Harsh Startups, while men are more likely to become Flooded and Stonewall, and to rehearse stress-inducing thoughts.

This leads to Gridlock, which may be resolved in one of two ways: Disengagement, which spells a slower divorce that ends at 12+ years, or a high conflict period marked by the 4 Horsemen, which spells a faster divorce in 5-7 years

Signs of Predicting Divorce The Core of the Message (Gottman)

•First Sign: The Harsh Startup •Second Sign: "The Four Horsemen"

Gottman—The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

1. Criticism

1. CRITICISM *Gottman—“Attacking someone's personality or character—rather than a specific behavior—usually with blame” (e.g. You don't care; you always think of yourself first; you never like what I do; you should . . . [Ibid., p. 73]).

2. Contempt: Intentional insulting or name-calling

• Name calling • Hostile humor • Mockery—mimicking, making fun of, using

ridiculing words and actions • Body Language—sneering, rolling eyes,

looking away, curling upper lip

3. Defensiveness- Feeling victimized by others in response to contempt.

• Denying responsibility• Making excuses• Yes-butting • Repeating-yourself syndrome• Whining• Body language

4. Stonewalling—Withdrawing from interactions

Signs of Predicting Divorce The Core of the Message (Gottman)

•Third Sign: Flooding •Fourth Sign: Body Language•Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts•Sixth Sign: Bad Memories

2) Positive Sentiment Override – PSO PSO is built on a few basic processes:

•An intact Fondness and Admiration System•Love Maps•Conflict is marked by

Softened Startupssoothed Physiology during the argumentAcceptance of InfluenceRepair AttemptsDe-escalation

•Bids for Affection•Gridlock on problem issues is avoided

Gottman’s 2 Types of Marriages

Ways People React to Bids for ConnectionThe opportunity for emotional connection is possible every time we engage in a conversation. Gottman's concept is simple. When we talk to people there is a possibility of three outcomes from the other person:1. to come closer (Turning Toward)2. to go further way (Turning Away)3. to stay at a neutral place.

Turning Away Responses to Bids for AttentionCommon Turning Away obstacles to connection in relationship include:

1. Passive, noncommittal responses2. Preoccupied, ignoring responses3. Disregarding responses4. Interrupting and changing the subject responses

Turning Against Responses to Bids for AttentionThe Turning Against responses were negative and angry. These types of responses included:

1. Belligerent responses such as being provocative, or wanting to pick a fight.2. Contradicting and disparaging responses, such as wanting to debate and disagree, although less hostile than belligerence responses.3. Domineering responses included attempts to control, get the other person to back off or be submissive.4. Critical responses such as blaming and judgments made on the other person. Sentences that start out with blaming statements like "You always..." are critical responses.5. Defensive responses include the statements of saying, "It's not my fault." in irritation and relinquishing responsibility.

Responding with Turning Away or attack are subtle ways of saying " I don't care to be bothered by you." Feelings of loss and disappointment bring trouble to a relationship. The Turning Away From and the Turning Against responses created hurt, disappointment, anxiety, and discouragement, which then affected the quality of the marriage.

Effective repair is easier to accomplish when there are Rituals of Connection, or standard and every-day ways the couple connects and feels bonded to each other. This means decreasing negativity during and after fights, as negativity is the best predictor of divorce over six years (85% accuracy), and effective repair skills increases prediction accuracy (97% accuracy), as among even highly negative newlyweds, 85% of those who effectively repair stay happily married.

• CALM DOWN• SPEAK NON-

DEFENSIVELY• VALIDATION • OVERLEARNING

CREATING EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION PATTERNS

Gottman's Cure•Principle 1: Enhance Your "Love Maps"

•Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

•Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away\

• Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You

• Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

• Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

• Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

Gottman's research says that men hold the key to whether the relationship will

succeed or not.

1. The Soft Startup: Speak Sweetly When You Start a Sticky Subject

Practical Steps: 2 Keys To A Happy Marriage

2. Emotional Bidding: Practice Emotional Bidding and Responses So the research says that how you respond to your partner's bids for attention depends on whether you have a happy, loving relationship or not. Positive engagement by couples increases affection and interest while having an argument.

The moral of Gottman's research? Kindness works. Respect is crucial. Show interest in what your partner says and you will build up big dividends in your relationship. Look for the good in your partner and make it known. Say what you like out loud and you will get more of it. Men, pay attention to the emotional needs of your wife. Return your partner's bids with positive interest and you will have more happiness in your life.

Practical Steps: The Magic Five1. Partings2. Reunions3. Admiration/appreciation4. Affection5. Weekly date

MARITAL QUALITY John Gottman—“Amazingly, we have found that it all comes down to a simple mathematical formula: no matter what style your marriage follows, you must have at least five times as many positive as negative moments together if your marriage is to be stable. . . . [The] magic ratio is 5 to 1” (Gottman, John, 1994. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. New York: Fireside, pp. 29, 57).