12 Principles for Raising a Child

Principle #1. Remember that your little one is a separate personTherefore, fulfill your own dreams and plans yourself and don’t impose them on your child. A common parental mistake is to impose their dreams on their child. “I didn’t become a medic, but my child will definitely become one – it’s their fate!” or “We are a dynasty of doctors and our child will follow in our footsteps!” When we think and act like this, we are taking away our child’s freedom and integrity of development; we are forcing our dreams on them. Not surprisingly, these children often disappoint us, or by not wanting to disappoint us, become unhappy and mediocre.Thus, give your child freedom and support their freedom from their very birth. An upbringing shouldn’t be imposing any sort of position or attitude, but creating a learning environment and only helping the child in situations where it is really needed.

Principle #2. All children are born equal

All babies are naturally born equal, and it doesn’t happen that a baby is born without abilities or, conversely, with outstanding abilities. Everything that a child excels at or doesn’t do well at is the result of experience gained during the process of education and development. When do abilities or inabilities show up?Usually by three years old parents are already coming to conclusions about their child’s inclinations toward music or design, and this means that children are forming abilities and inabilities BEFORE their third year! Therefore, the development of creative and musical abilities, swimming, sports, design, and many other abilities are what you can and need to give your child from birth, and not in school. This is exactly what I talk about in Developments.

Principle #3. What you do has a great importance

You are your child’s standard of behavior and all of your words about how it’s not allowed to scream need to be honest. You have to follow this and all the rest too; your words will mean absolutely nothing until you start following them yourself. What do you think that your child should do if they hear from you that they aren’t allowed to scream, and immediately after this they see how you scream at their father? The picture of the world in their head will be unstable and ambiguous – this isn’t exactly what you wanted to achieve. Your little one learns how to communicate, react, express emotions, and behave in public by looking at you and dad. Therefore, set an example.

Principle #4. Views on upbringing and parents' actions should be uniform

Only then the child will feel the security and integrity of their surrounding world. If mom comforts her child after dad spanks them with a belt, it means that you will raise a manipulator. Children adapt to their environment very quickly and find benefits for themselves in it. It sounds scary, but common findings of psychotherapists after working with a child whose parents have different views about upbringings say that: “A manipulator is capable of anything for the sake of reaching their goals.” It’s as if

it’s written about secret agent 007 and not a four-year-old child, isn’t it? And these are different positions in one home.You should discuss and "negotiate" all disciplinary measures with your husband. You are on the same side, so don’t “be friends against” dad or mom. However, within the boundaries of the common upbringing standards, each parent is entitled to their own behavior with their child.

Principle #5. Be consistent in your actions

Don’t change the rules every day; it can lead to an undisciplined child. Many parents lack a sense of consistency, resulting in their child becoming confused and not knowing how to behave. Your task is to make your child’s world safe and reliable, and this means everyone adhering to the general rules of conduct every day together.

Principle #6. Don’t give your child everything they want upon request

What you have in your house is enough for your child’s development: a sensory cover (you can make this yourself); a rattle in infancy; a little book, a kit for walks (a trowel, sand molds), musical exercises, countable material, an erector set, and homemade Montessori materials.Of course, other toys are fascinating for children and they are necessary for not only their personal satisfaction, but also for holding status in their social environment. There is a lot of excitement and entertainment around your child right now, and there is a huge gap between what is "necessary" and what "I want!" that your child isn’t aware of yet. Thus, encourage your child to learn about earning money and let them earn what they want.

Principle #7. Praise your child correctly – only for good reason

We often embark on an overabundance of feelings of praise: what a wonderful child, you’re so good! And often after these words the child will try to do something else even better. Parents think it's great, but it’s really not at all.

The child is trying to do something better so that they will be highly praised again; they think that mom loves them because they’re wonderful. But what can they do if something doesn’t turn out? When we say “you’re the smartest,” we are assessing the child’s personality, and the child will go to great lengths for the sake of this assessment. Precisely through this type of praise we form perfectionism in our child – the attempt to be perfect for the sake of praise. This is the opposite of the achievement approach, through which the child tries to accomplish new heights for the sake of improvement and goals, and not for the sake of others’ assessments.

Achievers are leaders, but perfectionists are superficial performers. Therefore, praise your child for their achievements, choices, or words, and not just because. Instead of telling your little one “You’re the smartest,” say “You did your exercise really well,” “I like how you built your pyramid.” Find an objective subject and praise your child for what they did and not because they’re the best of the best.

Principle #8. Don’t refuse your child’s help; let them participate in the house work

Children so want to look like mom and dad during the early childhood period! They see how mom is sweeping and also run with a broom into the very dust. They see how mom sets the table and grabs full glasses and knives. Yes, it looks like this is terribly dangerous and that their help will generally cause more problems: dust isn’t swept but spread across the entire house, glasses are broken, juice is spilled. It also seems like you need to remove your child from all of this – it’s easier for everyone that way.However, every time that you take a broom or cup away from your child, you tell them: “I’m doing this myself, I don’t need your help.” They remember these settings and by 14 years old you end up with an “ungrateful child who doesn’t help you.” But you just wanted to protect them and save yourself some time? Therefore, I suggest that you invest in the future: buy your little one a broom, let them carry the glass (if there’s a lot of juice, pour out half so that it’s easier for them), give them their own rag for dust, and soon you’ll raise an appreciative helper. Oh, and all of this also develops motor skills and emotions.

Principle #9. Dad is a full participant in your child’s upbringing and development

I’ve already written about the importance of dad’s roles in a child’s upbringing and development in this article. It’s hard to overestimate the importance of a father’s attention. He is the child’s guide to their surrounding world, therefore, the father should spend time with their child as often as possible and be reachable at any times, at least by telephone. The time that your little one spends with dad is your time to shine, so don’t neglect the ninth principle.

Principle #10. Nurture your child's independence

It’s very hard for a child to tear themselves away from their mom, but from one to three years old the formation of their own sense of “Me” is going on. Many parents equate children's independence with rebellion and disobedience. Children seek independence for a simple reason: like all people, they want to control themselves and not be controlled by someone else.

Thus, during the time when they’re 2-3 years old it’s necessary to give your little one freedom. Encouraging independence develops self-regulating behavior, but certain restrictions help your child develop a sense of self-control. To be successful in life, they will need both of these skills: independence and self-control.

Principle #11. Raise a child who asks questions – teach them to think

By three years old, a child’s head is swollen with childish “whys,” but it’s incredibly important to not only answer your little question machine, but to also stimulate them to have newer and newer questions.The questions “why?” is a sign of active mental activity; it means that your little one is thinking, building causal relationships, and is beginning to come to logical conclusions. It’s wonderful if your child is still a question asker at 7, 9, 12, and 18 years old. It means that they haven’t stopped improving, and instead

of cramming, they are feeling things out and gaining awareness!

Principle #12. Even if you made a mistake in raising your child, don’t consider it fatal

You are a person, and people aren’t perfect. We all make mistakes, but this doesn’t mean that we’re bad. Therefore, if you make a mistake, then admit your mistake, change your behavior, and go on.

Article author: Maria Dobrolyubova