10 Weeksby Jolene Perry

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Transcript of 10 Weeksby Jolene Perry

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Ten Weeks

 

 Jolene Perry & Janna Watts

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Dedication

To the boys of summers past.

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Ten W

Kay-Kay

Chapter One

Fifteen minutes into moving the archery ta

across the amphitheater and I’m beyannoyed. So far beyond annoyed that

straddling the line between pissed and po

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The ground is early morning damp, and

wheels on the target keep sticking in the

divots of grass and soil.

“What a-hole thought this was a good ideamumble, bending to give the target a shove.

“I’m the a-hole. And it is a good idea.”

I swing around. “Alex.”He doesn’t even bother to hide the sm

“Kay-Kay. What do you think you’re doing?

“Moving the archery targets so the s

children I’ll be giving bows and arrows to fofirst time in their lives don’t shoot at

bystanders walking to the dining hall.”

He walks forward and pushes me out oway. Not even a little elbow tap to ask m

step aside, a full-on push. This is a push fu

history. Alex has known me for ten years.

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picked me up the first day of camp as a nine-

old, sobbing when my mom and dad left me

four weeks of “summer fun”. He’s watched

go through the awkward fifth grade fat camstage into the awkward acne-riddled teen s

into whatever it is that I am now.

“You know me better than that. There’s

archery net.” He points to the trees along theof the amphitheater, and hidden among them

long rope with an arrow-catching net gathere

one side like a curtain.

“Oh. My bad. I woke up kinda early.”

He looks me over for a second. “Yea

figured. No bra. Might want to remedy

before classes start.”I laugh and don’t even bother crossing

arms. “We’re at an all girls’ camp. I’m not re

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over his head.

I whistle. “Holy Thor. Nice back.”

He turns around and the tiniest blush creep

his neck. Ha. Got him. He recovers with ano

snort. “Do you always say exactly what yo

thinking?”

I grin. “With you I do. You’re old enougbe my dad, but you’re hot enough for me to m

with.”

He drops the archery target with a loud thu

“Kay-Kay, you’re in charge of young girls summer. You should probably temper y

tongue.”

I wink at him. “Alex. I’m so delighted yo

interested in what my tongue is doing.

summer just ratcheted way up in possibility.”

He shakes his head and moves to drag

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arrow curtain across the edge of

amphitheater. He doesn’t even bother sa

goodbye.

“Hey,” I call out to him as he walks btoward the lake. “When’s your free hour?”

He turns back. “Third. Right before lunch.

My face cracks into a smile. “OutstandMine too. Chess?”

“Yeah. Okay. I’ll meet you in the counsel

lounge.”

Then he walks off. My gaze refuses to mfrom the way his T-shirt stretches across

windsurfer back. Oh dear. Old enough to be

dad doesn’t seem to be registering with

hormones. It’s going to be a long summer.

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I’ve already gotten the chessboard set

when he walks into the counselor’s lounge

wet hair and an overly tanned face. He slides

the seat across from me without a word. ClAlex. The strong, silent type. Last summer w

I was a counselor-in-training, I teased

mercilessly about being unable to keep up

girl conversation. Finally, he shut me up wilook and told me he learned early on to tune

female drama completely. Then he broke in

belly laugh that set my ovaries on fire.

“You know when your hair’s wet, you

barely see the gray,” I say as I move my

pawn. He has no gray. He looks like he’s in

early thirties.

“When your mouth’s shut, you can ba

notice the petulant teenager it’s attached to.”

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“Ouch. I’m nineteen. You’ll have to get so

new material next year.”

“I’m forty, I don’t have to do anyt

anymore.” He breaks out his bishop and tmy pawn.

“Did they tell you that at the nursing home?

He belly laughs and I squeeze my thtogether. He’s hot for an older guy, but it’s

laugh that always gets me.

“Well, lucky for you, you won’t have to w

about my material because I probably wonhere next year.”

My eyes shoot up. “What? You’re alw

here.”

He shrugs and studies the board.

“You’ve been here as long as I have.”

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“Jesus. That’s kind of pathetic.”

I kick him under the table. “Don’t say that

He looks at me with too much seriousn

My stomach curls in on itself. Nothing goo

going to come of this conversation. I feel it li

coil of suck ready to spring. “I can’t spend e

summer at an all girls’ camp.”

“Why not? You’re a teacher. What else

you going to do with your summers?”

“I’m thinking of applying for this grant. It

environmental thing. If I get it, they’ll send mCosta Rica next year. I can bring back

research to my classes.”

I have so many conflicting emotions, it’s

to figure out my next move. I want this for A

He’s a high school science teacher and

always been one of those enviro guys. But I c

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imagine a summer without him.

“What are your chances?” I ask past the l

in my throat.

“Pretty good. I know most of the board

decides the grant recipients. A few of them a

this PAC with me. They’ve been encouraging

to apply for it for the past few years.”

I stare at the board, but the pieces have go

a bit blurry. “Maybe I won’t come back

summer either.”

Half his mouth curls up. “Of course you You get paid to teach archery. You get th

nights and a day off a week. You spend all y

time in the sun. And you love this place. W

else would you do?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll go be a wai

somewhere.”

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He shakes his head. “No, you won’t. Th

kill part of your spirit. This camp is inside

You won’t leave until you have kids of y

own.”A flood of questions engulfs my brain. I w

to ask him all of them at once. About the g

About his life outside of camp. I want to k

why he never married. Why he doesn’t have of his own. I want to know if he’s got a girlfr

waiting for him. We’ve talked about so m

things over the years, but nothing that’s r

personal to him.

Unfortunately, the guarded expression is b

on his face, so I don’t say anything. Instea

move my knight out on to the board and letbeat me.

We play another game in silence. As soo

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his queen takes my king, he shakes his head

pushes the board to the side.

“Don’t do that,” he says.

“What?”

“Don’t let me win. You think I can’t tell w

you’re doing? I know you’re smarter than

Don’t play the dumb girl with me. It doesn’tyou and I know better.”

I cross my arms, and his eyes drop to

chest then quickly shift up again. A smile play

my lips. “I didn’t want to wipe the floor with Thought it might threaten your masculinity

eopardize my summer.”

He raises an eyebrow. “I’m pretty secur

my masculinity. I’d rather play with somewho tries. And why would your summer

eopardized?”

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I grin. “Because I’m gonna talk you into

And I don’t want to ruin my chances.”

I stand up and head for the door.

“Kay-Kay, we’re already friends. You d

have to talk me into anything.”

I waggle my eyebrows. “That’s not what

talking you into.” Then I flounce out towardarchery range before he can ask anything else

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Chapter Two

“We need to go,” Jo says, slipping onto

stool beside me.

“I haven’t even finished my second beer.

don’t have to be back at camp till midnight.”The Little Minnow Bar and Grill is pa

with the usual locals, plus a bunch of unde

counselors who spend all our nights off h

We’re in way northern Wisconsin, it’s not we have an abundance of options. And

bartenders never card.

“Sam’s further along than you are and needs rescuing.” Jo points to the corner w

Sam is pinned between the wall and one o

counselors from the guys’ camp.

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I lean over the back seat and turn the m

down. “Sam, you know I’ll always have

back. But we’ve got nine more week

summer. You may need to be a little bit mdiscerning.”

Sam laughs. “It was dark in there, and he

hot. I didn’t know he was the STD guy.”

“The hot ones are almost always the

guys,” I say.

Jo nods her head. “Truth. You might nee

lower the bar a bit here. We are in nortWisconsin.”

Sam slumps into the front seat. “Okay. N

time I’ll try to find a guy who’s missing a

front teeth.”We all laugh and then sing along to the m

at the top of our lungs. The dark silent w

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surround us and if we didn’t sing, I think we

be a little creeped out by it.

By the time we pull into the mile long c

road, Sam has sobered enough to suggestcatch a movie in the counselor’s lounge.

“Thanks, but I’m gonna stop by and tal

Alex.”

Jo shakes her head. “I’m not sure why

mess with him. He’s so reclusive. He barely

to any of us.”

I raise a shoulder. “He talks to me. And known him forever. Don’t you think he

lonely out here with all these girls?”

Sam snorts. “No. I bet he spends every n

masturbating in that tiny cabin. It’s kind of skif you ask me. What guy signs on to t

windsurfing and be maintenance and securi

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an all girls’ camp? That has pedophile writte

over it.”

Anger whips through me. “Shut up. He’s

like that. Don’t start saying stuff like that or get fired.”

Sam turns and looks at me. “Whoa. I was

kidding. Jesus. Don’t be so sensitive.”

I raise my chin. “He’s my friend. I’d de

the two of you in the same way.”

Sam shrugs and sits back. “Whatever.”

I’m not sure why I care so much what think about Alex. He doesn’t seem to. I’m

it’s not the first time that rumors of pedop

have been bandied about. But somehow, it b

the crap out of me that my best friends w

even think that about him.

They drop me off at the front of his tiny

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room cabin. I’ve only been inside one time

summer when I needed to grab some tools t

an uneven archery target.

It looks different in the dark and I actstand outside his cabin for several min

breathing deep before I knock on his door.

“Come in,” he calls.

I push open the door and he’s sitting on

bed with his legs stretched in front of him, rea

a book.

“Kay-Kay. To what do I owe the pleasureI take three steps into the tiny room and re

there are no chairs. I drop to the floor and c

my long legs beneath me. “You don’t go out?

He tilts his head. “I go out. Just not all

time. The Little Minnow doesn’t have quite

same appeal to me that it does to you all.”

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I worry my bottom lip. “You’re weird

summer.”

“We’ve been here four days. That’s hard

summer.” His brows go up and his blond falls over his forehead as he shifts to see

better.

I look him over. He’s barefoot. I’m not

why I notice this, but suddenly the room

smaller.

“You’re still weird.”

He puts his book on the floor and slinglegs to the side of the bed. “Weird how?”

“You don’t volley back.”

“What?”“I’ve been tossing out all these innuen

when we play chess and you don’t volley b

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Last summer, you volleyed back.”

He chuckles. “Ah. Hmm… I don’t kn

Guess it doesn’t feel the same.”

My gaze slides up to meet his and a pit d

into my stomach. “Did I do something wrong

“No.”

I uncross my legs and stretch them out in of me. He looks at them for a second and

both release a breath. It’s suddenly hot

awkward, and I’m not sure I should be in

small cabin.“Do you still want to be friends with me?”

He drags his hands through his hair and

from his bed. “Of course.”I stand up. He’s only a few inches taller

me but he’s built. Thick with muscles he r

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has no business having. “Okay. So I guess

go.”

He moves to the door and puts his hand on

knob. “Yeah. Probably a good idea.”

“Do the walk with me tomorrow,” I say

rush.

“What?”“I’m doing the fifty-mile walk with a bunc

campers. Two miles a day for twenty-five d

Come with me tomorrow.”

He shakes his head. “Not the best idea.”

“Why not?” I put my hands on my hip

know what he’s going to say before he

does, but I force it out of him anyway.“Because people will say stuff if they see

with you. That’s how rumors start. You d

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want to get mixed up with that.” He swings

door open, and part of me feels like he’s igno

the obvious, or at the very least dismissing w

want to talk about.I lift my chin. “I don’t give a shit about an

that. You’re my friend and I want you to tak

walk with me. So come.”

He shakes his head. “You’re stubborn. A

you don’t get it.”

“No.” I step toward him. “I get it. I just d

care. I’m nineteen. I can be friends with whoI want.”

He lifts his hand and for a second, I think

going to touch my face, but then he drops it

sighs. “You’re still such a girl.”

“Fuck off. I won’t let anyone tell me who

and can’t be in my life. I had enough of th

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high school. I’m an adult. Meet me on the wa

He shakes his head again and doesn’t

anything. I glare at him and stomp out of

cabin. Stupid Alex. Stupid rumors. Stupid mewanting them to be a little true.

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Chapter Three

I’m lacing up my shoes at way too

o’clock in the morning when I’m nudged

behind.

Alex.He came. With a goofy grin and a ridicu

hat and hiking shoes on. Hiking shoes for a

mile walk.

“You’re overdressed,” I say.

He eyes my tank top and runner sh

“You’re underdressed.”

I wink. “Hoping I might get lucky.”He shifts his eyes to the gaggle of cam

behind me. “Careful, Kay-Kay.”

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I shrug. What are they gonna do? Fire

They barely pay me anything to sleep in a c

for nine weeks with six ten-year olds and t

archery five hours a day. Good luck findingreplacement.

“Are you ready, girls?” I call out. I mov

the parking lot at the bottom of the hill.

exactly two miles from this spot to the end ocamp road and back. Jo’s gonna be at the b

of the group so if any of you get tired, just h

with her and you can loop back with those o

in the front.”

Jo’s in her Women Who Run Rule The W

tee and I can tell she’s pissed that she has to

the tail end of the group. I don’t care. If AlexI lead, we’ll get to have a real conversation.

girls won’t be able to keep up with us.

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I strap on the first aid pack and start the

up the hill. Alex is next to me and within

minutes, the girls have fallen behind. I slow

pace.“How come you changed your mind?”

He shrugs. “Sounded like you could use

help.”

“That’s not why you came.”

He doesn’t say anything, just stares thro

the trees tunneling the camp road. Finally

nudges me with his elbow and asks, “Were serious about maybe not coming back

year?”

“Were you?”

He grins and a part of me wants to drag hi

the woods and straddle him. This is bad. I k

this is bad, but the thought is already in my b

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There’s nothing I can do about it now.

“Yeah. I’ve about outgrown girls’ camp.”

“How come you started in the first place?”

I’ve always wondered this. He and I sta

the same year. I remember one night when I

so homesick for my mom and dad and my

thought I might run away, he took me in a ridhis golf cart and told me he missed home too

was thirty then. Seemed so old and wise.

next day, he left me a whittled wooden cat on

bunk. He never said anything about it. Nedid I. But I still have it.

He clears his throat and looks behind us.

campers are still at least fifty feet back. “I d

want to be alone that summer. Or any sumreally. They needed help. Seemed like as go

place as any to work.”

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“Huh.”

There’s more to this, but Alex isn’t exactly

most forthcoming guy. I’ve known him

enough to realize the other parts of his storytrickle out on his time frame, not mine.

“I might get my teaching certificate af

major in English,” I say because I don’t k

any other way to keep him talking.

“Yeah. You’d be a good teacher. I mea

you can gain control of that mouth.”

I grin. “I think you like my mouth just fine.”He grunts and I bump into him. He bump

back, and I both love and hate the butte

fluttering around my stomach. When he’s ne

me, it’s everything. But when I’m in my cabi

with the girls, all I can think is: He’s twice y

age, plus two. I am so far out of my league

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that I can’t stop myself from blowing him

overdramatic kiss.

“You like him,” Jo says when we’re wal

back up to the dining hall on our waybreakfast.

“He’s a good friend.”

“No,” she says. “Last year he was a gfriend. This year you’re different about him.”

I shrug. “He’s too old for me.”

“Yeah, he is. It’s not gonna stop you thou

huh?”

I shake my head and grin. “Probably not.”

“This isn’t a daddy replacement, is it?”

cocks a brow, but the gesture doesn’t sit withlight red hair, round face and freckles. She’s

Holly Hobby in person—with bigger mu

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because the girl can run.

“Ew, no. Don’t be gross.”

Jo flips her braid over her shoulder. “I’m

saying. Your dad marries a woman who basic

insists he cut you and your sister off. Your m

starts dating her boss who is seventeen y

older than her. Freud would have a field day

this whole situation.”

“He doesn’t look like he’s forty.”

Jo nods. “True. But it doesn’t change the

that he is forty.”She’s right, of course. I know better, b

doesn’t stop me from accidentally on pur

following him when he buses his tray in the d

hall. Or asking him if he wants to give m

windsurfing lesson during our free hour instea

playing chess.

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Jo catches me again on the way back to

cabin. “Kay-Kay, watch yourself. This can

end in a big mess.”

I nod and return with my campers to my caI throw on my archery clothes over a bikini

as I head down to my first class, all I can he

the beating of my heart in tandem with my s

And a whisper in the back of my brain: AAlex. Alex.

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Chapter Four 

It takes four hundred years for my free ho

come. It’s possible I’ve let young girls shoo

small game for all that I can remember of

classes. I’m out of my clothes and knee deethe water before Alex sees me.

His eyes bug out and he quickly drops

sunglasses down from the top of his head, bu

too late. I’ve seen him see me. Every arrow shot all year and every mile I’ve run is sudd

completely worth it. I undo my dark hair from

braid and shake it out. Now, I’m just fuc

with him and he knows it.“Come on, beauty queen, let’s get you on

board,” he says.

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I dive under the water and come up nex

him. He slides his hands around my hips

hoists me onto the board.

“You need to work on your balance first,says from the water beside me.

“I have excellent balance. I’m an arc

We’re all about balance.” Before I can

anything else, he jostles the board and I tum

off.

“Asshole, what are you doing?”

He laughs and my heart stutters. The friclaugh. Jesus.

“I’m testing your balance. Now get back

there.”

I shimmy on to the board, but it’s much

graceful without his hands helping me up. I sl

stand and have to take a minute to adjust

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bikini top. I smirk at him. “Quit checking me

There are young children present.”

He shakes his head. “Perhaps you sh

wear something more appropriate next time.”

“Then what would you have to think a

when you went to bed at night?”

“Kay-Kay.”I stick my tongue out. “You fucking love

I’m charming. Now teach me how to surf alr

before my nipples start showing the chang

temperature.”“You’re incorrigible.”

He slides on the board behind me and slo

stands up. We adjust ourselves so w

balanced and the board doesn’t wobble with

shifts.

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“Okay,” he says, leaning over to grab the

rope, “slowly pull this up until you can grab

of the sail.”

I tug and four seconds later I’m back inwater.

“All of you kids are so impatient.”

“Oh really, grandpa, how can you even with us?” I slide back on the board and

closer to him. I feel the heat of him agains

back, and I want to lean into him so much, I

taste it.We both don’t say anything for too long

feels it too and I’m wondering what his

move will be. My eyes scan the beach and I

a bunch of campers at swim lessons. The guare all either in the lake teaching or scanning

water where the classes are. Jo’s staring at

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way too hard, so I don’t even pause when

eyes meet. She’s too far away to know

actually see her or not. I think.

I look over my shoulder and see our cdirector Irene peeking out at Alex and me f

her tiny office. I wave and this time Alex fall

He comes up sputtering.

“Can you keep your flailing under con

Kay-Kay?”

He slides up behind me and grabs the

again. This time he guides my hand with histogether we pull the sail up. I grasp the bar

the board starts to move. I almost can’t be

it. I laugh and Alex moves closer to me as

hands grip the bar outside of mine. We’re saand it’s crazy and amazing and I love e

second of it.

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“Head us back to the shore,” he says

we’ve been up for a few minutes.

“Why? This is so much fun. I wish I could

here forever.” I can’t help myself, I wigglebutt closer to him. Closer to… oops.

“Yeah. I’ve had about all I can take.”

umps off the board and swims the rest of

way to shore.

By the time I’ve navigated back onto

beach, he’s standing with my towel open

looking out at the campers swimming. I wraptowel around me and tilt my head.

“Aw, Alex, you can look away but that’s

gonna work. Damage has already been done

see you later.”

Then I grab my clothes and move to

bathrooms near the dining hall. I lock myself

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a stall and try to gain control of my er

heartbeat. I lean my head against the side

and thump it a few times. I’m so very,

screwed.

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Chapter Five

It’s so hot they’ve cancelled all my classes

the campers are in the lake for free swim.

water activities are planned for today. I prac

shooting arrows for a few minutes, but my T-is completely soaked through with sweat.

Alex is giving a lesson on the windsu

board without the sail. He’s helping cam

practice their balance. Apparently, they havdo this for a long time before he actually lets t

use the sail. I must have been lucky. My clo

are already off and I’m up to my waist in

water in my bikini before I hear my name cover the camp PA.

“Kay-Kay Benson to the office, please. K

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Kay Benson to the office.”

Alex looks up and watches as I retreat b

to the shore. I throw my damp T-shirt on

make my way slowly up the hill to Irene’s off

“Have a seat,” she says and points to the c

opposite her desk. For some reason, this w

thing feels like a trip to the principal’s office.

She takes a drag off a cigarette, and I try

to fan the smoke from my face. Irene is eig

married to an old guy who doesn’t recognize

anymore, and smokes like a chimney. wrinkles around her mouth are puckered

the constant pursing around her cancer stick

whatever, she’s old and runs a camp for gir

can’t imagine she’s got that many vices.“Kay-Kay, honey, I think you’re spending

much time with Alex.”

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My mouth drops open. “Excuse me?”

She takes another drag then stubs out the h

smoked cigarette and lights another. “I’ve

the two of you together, and I think yospending too much time with him. You’re gi

the campers the wrong idea.”

“We’re friends.”

“I understand that, but our camp is a

making ladies out of girls. And some of our

are confused by the message that you’re sen

when you spend time with Alex.”I blink. So, I didn’t really see this one com

I guess I should have, but what the hell

Irene care who I spend time with? She shoul

happy Alex isn’t leering at the girls.

“I’m not sure what to say, Irene.”

She squints at me through her thick gla

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“Alex is a great deal older than you, dear.

you sure you know what you’re doing?”

“Um, you mean being friends with him?”

Her lips curl inward around her cigarette.

not sure this is the best summer for him t

making new friends.”

Whoa. Irene knows something. I want to I should ask, but she won’t tell me crap.

weaseling it out of Alex will be a small miracl

I release a breath. “Okay. I hear what yo

saying. I’ll try to spend less time with Alefront of the girls.”

I stand up and leave her office before she

say anything else. Before she can fire me o

me I shouldn’t spend time with him at all. My

flops seem too loud on the stairs down from

office. Alex meets me at the base of the hill.

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“Everything okay?”

I shake my head and peer back at the of

“I’ll stop by later tonight,” I mumble then flip

past him and back up to my cabin.

“You’re really bailing on us?” Sam asks as

applies a second later of mascara. Two laye

go to the Little Minnow. I sorta love Sam.

“Yeah. I gotta talk to Alex. It’s sort

important.”Jo is sitting on the sink beside us. No mak

ust fresh-faced and beautiful. “Do you wann

us why Irene called you in today?”

“Not really. I need to talk to Alex abo

first.”

Jo looks at me with her big eyes and b

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too fast. She’s so fucking pragmatic. I wan

get her wasted at least once—just to see w

she’s actually like, because I don’t think she

says or does something she doesn’t mean to.Sam drops her mascara. “Did Irene find yo

bed with him?”

I laugh, relieved I have an excuse to tal

Sam instead of Jo. “God, no. That’d be

horrifying, I would’ve already left camp. Can

imagine the expression on her face?”

Sam shrugs. “Whatevs. If he was on she’d probably love it. He’s got a hell of an a

He does have a hell of an ass, but I don’t w

Sam looking at it. Not that I have any claim

his ass, but I’ve got more of one than she doeJo is blushing so hard she looks like a tom

“Sam, clean it up. There are innoc

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present.”

Jo blushes even more. “I’m not that innoce

I raise an eyebrow. “Really? Did I

something?”

Sam smirks. “You miss everything. Didn’t

see the way she was looking at the bartend

the Little Minnow two nights ago? She practineeded a bucket to contain the drool.”

Tiny beads of sweat are popping up on

forehead.

“Christ, give the poor girl a break. Look flustered she’s getting,” I say to Sam. “Tho

any guy that makes her realize there are m

men than Safety-Jeff out there is a win.”

Sam laughs and goes back to her mas

“Poor Jo.”

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“So I’ll meet up with you guys tomo

morning, okay? For the walk?”

Sam shakes her head. “Hell no, I’m

waking up an hour early for a frickin’ camwalk. Screw that noise.”

“You have to come. Alex can’t do it anym

and we need you.” I bat my puppy dog ey

her and she flips me off.

Jo shrugs. “Guess we’ll have to d

ourselves. How come Alex can’t do it anymo

I bite my bottom lip. “It’s complicated. I’lyou on the walk tomorrow.” I look at Sam

you were coming, I’d tell you too. You’ll

have to find out later.”

Sam drops her mascara into her bag

applies a layer of lipstick. “Guess so. I’m

waking up early, even for good gossip. This

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needs its beauty sleep.”

I mouth the words “hang over” to Jo and

smiles. Sam ignores both of us. I squeeze

their hands. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t

Sam says. “But feel free to confirm the statu

his ass.”

I snort and walk out the bathroom door.

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Chapter Six

I knock on Alex’s cabin door, and he swin

open like he’s been expecting me.

“Are you in trouble?” he asks before I

even settle myself on the edge of his bed.“No. Not really. She doesn’t want

spending time with you in front of the camper

He releases a breath and pulls his h

through his hair. “Oh. Well. I guess that’s not

big of a deal.”

“Yes, it is. It sucks. I should be able to h

out with whoever I want.”Alex sits down beside me. “You’re no

camper anymore, Kay-Kay. Those girls look

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back and when I finally do, Alex’s gaze is zer

in on my mouth. I lick my lips and it’s like we

both hear the crackle of energy in the room.

I cough. “Yeah. Pretty much. She suggested this summer might not be the best

for you to make any new ‘friends’.”

He flinches and then all the emotion leave

face like a curtain shutting at the end of a sh

“Oh. She’s probably right.”

I inch closer. “Why would she say that?”

Alex’s gaze darts around the room. He stand crosses to the map of Wisconsin he

pinned on one of his walls. “I don’t know,

says with his back to me. “Irene’s old. Who

say what makes her tick?”

And this is the shut down. I’ve gotten so

to it that it almost doesn’t hurt anymore.

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that’s how it’s gonna be? Okay, then. I’m go

take off. I’ll see you. Maybe.”

I’m two feet from the door when he calls

back. “Don’t go, Kay-Kay. I don’t want yogo.”

I turn back around. “Are you gonna tell

why she said that?”

He shakes his head. “It’s a long story. A

really not something I want to talk about. B

still want you to stay.”

I drop my hands to my hips. “I gotta tell I’m not exactly buying you as a great frien

this moment. I mean really, you should be ab

tell your friends anything. And Christ knows

not gonna judge you for anything. I’m theperson to be throwing stones. But for this t

real. For us to be real, you’re gonna have t

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me in.”

“You’re nineteen, Kay-Kay. Even if you co

understand, why should you have to?”

“Because, Alex, I’m your fucking friend

maybe I want to understand.”

“Please,” he says and I feel like his voic

about to crack. “Please. Stay. Tonight. Cotalk to me about stupid things and make me l

and be Kay-Kay. I’ll tell you all the hard

later. But not tonight. Not now. Please. Be

Kay-Kay I need.”It’s like he’s hooked me on a line and I c

move. I’m pulled into him. Pulled into what

he wants. I know better. I know I should p

and make him talk to me. Make him everything so we can get past all his guarded

and into something bigger. But I can’t say no

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So I sit on the edge of his bed and tell

stories of my first year of college and the st

shit we did in the dorms. And I pretend that

giant pink elephant belongs in the room with u

The next morning feels like I’m hung o

Like I’ve had too much emotional whiskey acan’t get my head on straight. I have no

when the game changed with Alex, but

certain it has.

I’m sitting in the amphitheater, changing str

on some of the bows when Alex walks up

eyes my shirt and shakes his head.

“Go change.”I blink. “Excuse me?”

“Go change your shirt.”

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I look down. I’m wearing my scarlet A

choice T-shirt. I picked it up at the March

Women’s Lives rally in Washington D.C. ea

this spring.“Fuck off, I’m not changing my shirt.”

Alex squats down on the ground next to

His muscular thighs strain against his shorts

for a second I’m too distracted to be pissed.

then I shake off my overactive imagination

glare at him.

“Kay-Kay, does everything have to be a with you?”

I raise my chin. “Why should I have to squ

my beliefs because it makes pe

uncomfortable?”

He lets out a sigh. “Because we have a l

Catholic campers here. You know 

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Sometimes slamming your beliefs in the fac

others isn’t the best way to get your point ac

Especially with young girls.”

Heat creeps into my cheeks. I hate that hemake me feel shame. I hate that three sente

from him makes all my convictions se

ridiculous and immature.

My head drops and I don’t say anything. A

lets the silence sit between us for a minute be

he finally tilts my chin up with his fingers.

“I love that you feel so strongly about thYou’re young. You should. But everyth

doesn’t always have to be a big statement. Yo

make more of an impact in these girls’ live

ust modeling what it means to be a good perWithout all the political stuff. And Kay-Kay,

are a good person.”

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His fingers trace along the side of my jaw

second and I close my eyes. I love the rough

of his hands. I’ve always loved them from

very first time he took my small nine-yearhand and walked with me to the dining hall on

second day of camp.

The deep blush of shame hasn’t gone aw

rise and walk back to my cabin without saanything else to Alex. I take off my shirt and

on a basic blue one with a picture of Little M

Sunshine on the front.

By the time I get back to the amphithe

he’s already in the water with his first lesson.

girls are standing at the shoot line, waiting for

ot one of them says anything about my shirt

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used to my evasions. Mostly, they let me ste

a booth at the Little Minnow and go find o

people to talk to.

I’m on my way back up to my cabin dinner one night when Alex pulls up in a c

golf cart.

“I need you to help with the arrow net,

says.

I look at my co-counselor and shrug. “I’

back in a little bit.”

She nods. “Okay. I’ll get the girls readyevening activity.”

I hop into the golf cart, and Alex takes of

fast that I slide against him before I can ge

bearings.

“In a hurry?” I ask and push off him tow

the opposite edge of the golf cart.

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“How come you haven’t stopped by?”

He doesn’t even bother to look at me,

takes us up a hill that is nowhere near the arc

range. A hill that leads to a small cleaoverlooking the lake. A clearing that no one

see. He stops the golf cart and stares in fron

him.

I cross my arms. “How come you hav

asked?”

He turns to me, and I see now that

seriously pissed. “Are we playing a game?”Yes. “No.”

“Are you my friend?” he asks and searche

face.

I swallow down a lump of want and nod

head. “Of course.”

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“Then stop by. You don’t need to be ask

Since when have you ever waited for an invit

from me?”

“Well, that’s the thing, isn’t it? I mean rewhy is this always on me? Why do I have to

to be friends with you? When will you fuc

claim me already?”

He blinks. “Is that what you think? Is that w

you need from me?”

“Of course. I mean, seriously. I’ve b

driving this train from the very start. At one pI’m gonna get tired of the pursuit and say fu

all, he doesn’t really want me.”

I’ve said it. I’ve said it and both of us k

now that I’m talking about something else. I’ve changed the definition of friends in m

babble, and we’re now at the place w

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everything is about subtext.

He grabs my hand and sandwiches it betw

his. “There’s a very big difference between

and want. Do not ever think there’s not wanme. Jesus, you know there is. I can’t take

eyes off of you. But I can’t have you. Fo

many reasons, I can’t.”

The ache is eating me alive. I want to c

into his lap and cling to him until he finally g

in. He releases my hands and grips the ste

wheel. The pulse point at his neck is poundiwant to put my mouth on it. I want to taste

saltyness. I want to fall into him and never c

out. Instead, I shift to the edge of the golf car

“I don’t think I can stop by and see you.”It’s a brutal truth. My insides clench in pro

but my head knows it’s the right thing. H

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become the worse kind of bad habit, and w

at an impasse.

“That’s it? All or nothing? God, that’s suc

childish response. I expected more from you

Fury hits me like a tsunami. I jump out o

golf cart and kick it. “Shut up. Stop expectin

much. I’m nineteen and anyways, what is it

you want from me? You want me to sit in y

little cabin and tell you stories and pretend

it’s okay that you don’t give me anything

yourself? You want me to suffer through the of wanting you, and then just walk away like

fine that my brain can’t think of anything

kissing you and licking you and making

moan. Well, fuck that. You might be a masocbut I’m not. I can’t be your friend. I don’t ha

in me.”

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I’m stomping down the hill, waiting for him

come after me, waiting for him to start the

cart and say he’s in. But of course, he doe

come. I laid myself bare and he’s got nothinsay about it.

By the time I get back to the cabin, I’m

mad I can’t even speak to the girls. Angry t

spill from the corners of my eyes, but I just bthem away. I’ve had enough. We’re five w

into the summer, and I can’t stand myself at

point.

I tell my co-counselor to do the eve

activity without me, and I go down to the arc

range. I throw on my arm guard and mea

myself fifty feet from the target. Then I shooting arrows. I go through at least

hundred of them before my arm is quiverin

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badly I can barely hold the bow up. It’s too

to be shooting, but I don’t know what else t

with myself. In the distance, I hear the soun

the golf cart and the anger hits me all over agaI gather all my equipment and put it in

archery shed. Then I head back to my cabin

crawl into my bunk. My pillow is damp w

minutes, but I’m hoping the girls don’t noI’ve become the worst kind of a bad exam

cliché. I’m crying over a man. And the har

part is, half of me is still hoping he’ll chang

mind.

The next morning Sam is with Jo at the mile walk starting point. I raise an eyebrow

she rolls her eyes. As soon as the campers

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huddling together in groups, the two of them

up to meet me.

“So this is what we call an intervention,”

starts. “I saw you at the archery range last nand I think this has gone far enough.”

“He doesn’t want me,” I choke out.

“He’s forty. Of course he wants you. Younineteen and hot. Plus, you’re smart and to

his kind of girl.”

A bubble is forming at the back of my th

The doubt bubble. The one I've been suffocon for the last twenty-four hours. “How do

know?”

Jo huffs. “Kay-Kay, you’ve always been

kind of girl. From the time you were fifDidn’t you notice? You’d be the one helping

start the campfire with two sticks. You’d be

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one agreeing with him about the impact of f

fuels on the climate. You’d be the one takin

the campers with him on a five-mile n

scavenger hunt.”I pause. “You guys would’ve done that too

Sam scoffs. “Hell no, I wouldn’t. It’s

enough for me to teach these girls some b

dance moves. I hate nature. I just come to c

to get away from my life.”

“Yeah. And even though I kinda like that s

I don’t live it. Not the way you and AlexGod, how could you have possibly missed

incredibly proud he’s always been of you?”

I bite my lip. “Doesn’t really matter, tho

He still doesn’t want me.”

Sam stops and takes a deep breath. “Hus

with all that. He wants you, he just knows

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too old for you. Trust me, I’ve watched him

summer. He’s looking at you with way more

pride.”

“So? He’s not going to do anything about

“Of course he’s not,” Sam says. “He alre

feels like a perv. He’s known you since you w

nine. If he makes a move, he’ll feel even w

about himself. It’s hard enough that the poor

has a permanent woody when you’re around

Jo grumbles. “Sam’s right. I mean I wou

exactly put it that way, but if you really want this needs to be on you. He’s not going to

anything about how he feels.”

“But I put it all at there. I told him I wa

him. What else can I do?”

Sam laughs. “Go to his cabin and jump on

If he turns you down, then that’s it. End of st

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But I’m telling you right now, he’s not gonna

you down. Not with that body of yours.”

I bite my lip. “I don’t just want to sleep

him.”

Jo squeezes my hand. “We know, ho

That’s why we’re doing the intervention. Y

know what you want. It doesn’t matter w

anyone else thinks. Now you just need

convince him of the same thing.”

“You don’t think it’s anti-feminist?”

Sam shakes her head. “Look, the definition of feminism is equality. Women ge

equal opportunity to live the lives they want. Y

know what you want. You’re not losing you

in this guy, you’re losing yourself in your insecurity. Go get ‘em. Own the shit out of

relationship. Fuck all the doubters.”

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Jo laughs. “Um, yeah, what Sam said.”

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“Into town.”

“Oh.”

And now I’m the asshole. Because I told h

wasn’t going to come see him, and here I stan

a short skirt and slightly small top and stra

wedge sandals and lip gloss. It’s easily a 9.

the mortification scale.

“I thought you weren’t…” he starts.

“Yeah,” I say. “I wasn’t. Sorry. My bad

see you later.”

I swivel and teeter on my ridiculous strwedge sandals and try super hard not to to

my face and instead just let the tears fall unt

leaves.

“Kay-Kay,” he calls.

I don’t turn around, but I stop walk

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“Yeah?”

“I’ve got to see a friend in the hospital. Vis

hours end at nine. Did you… you could

along with me if you wanted.”

A block of ice settles in my stomach. Bec

it feels like whatever my answer is going to b

huge. And I can’t decide if saying yes, I wan

come is really the right thing. Because it’s so

beyond sleeping with him and still so f

planted in the friend territory. I’m a mes

emotions.I turn slowly and his mouth drops.

“Yes,” I say, brushing away tears. “Ye

want to come with you.”

He takes three steps forward to meet metraces his fingers beneath my eyelashes. “D

cry, beautiful. This will pass.”

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Then he takes my hand and walks with m

the parking lot. Most of the campers ar

evening activity, but some of the other counse

are heading out. They see his hand in mGlances are exchanged, but he doesn’t rel

me. And just like that, the ice melts into a po

warmth. Because no matter what else happ

Alex, in his own way, has now claimed me.

The drive to the hospital is eerily quiet. I w

to ask him who we’re seeing. I want to ask

what’s wrong with the person. I want to ask

why he held on to my hand when a week ag

would’ve dropped it. But instead, I stare ou

window and watch the pine trees pass by.

My wedge sandals squeak on the hospital

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choice. Not that I imagined my evening endin

a hospital. I cross and uncross my legs as I

at a CPR poster on the wall.

“What are you doing here?” a voice brthrough my haze. Irene.

“I’m…um…waiting for Alex.”

Her mouth turns down, and she pats pockets like she’s looking for a cigarette. “

came here with Alex?”

“Yeah. It’s my night off.”

“I gathered that.” Her gaze moves over mdisapproval. Every inch of flesh showing is li

black mark on my future at the camp. “We

you’ll excuse me.”

She shuffles past me and I call out, “Ire

She looks up. “Are you okay? I mean…are

here to see someone?” Irene has always

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formidable and terrifying. I can’t imagine anyt

actually ever being wrong with her.

“Of course. I’m here to see my daug

Same as Alex.”

She turns around and shuffles the rest of

way down the hall to the room Alex is in. H

coming out as she’s entering. His gaze zeroe

on me before he mumbles a few words to Ire

My brain is flooded with questions. How

Alex know Irene’s daughter? How come non

us knew she had a daughter? I’ve been atcamp for ten years. Surely, I would’ve ca

wind of this.

Alex walks down the hall toward me. Slo

now. Like he’s carrying a huge pack on his bHe stops in front of me and holds out his ha

take it and let him pull me up.

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“I guess you have some questions,” he say

he leads me out of the building.

“Yeah. A few.”

“All right. But can we wait until we get bac

camp for me to answer them?”

I nod. “Are you okay?”

He stares at me, and his eyes glisten unshed tears. “It’s hard to say goodbye.”

The ride back to camp is even worse. mind is racing with questions and

peacefulness of the drive is overcome by

obvious heartsickness of Alex. He turns on

radio and listens to a couple of guys talk a

hunting, then switches it off. His gaze wande

my face a few times, but as soon as I look at

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in question, he shakes his head and l

forward again.

He parks his truck and rounds the hood to

side. He opens the door before I can getbearings, before I can brace myself for

rawness of his face. He takes my hand and p

me out into the cool night and then steers us b

to his cabin.

When the door shuts behind him, he rele

such a long sigh that it sounds more like

beginning of a sob. I search the small wrinalong the edge of his eyes. Laugh lines. Th

now they’re more like sorrow lines, etching in

face a lifetime of pain that I have no idea abo

“Robin. Irene’s daughter. She’s dyCervical cancer.”

“I didn’t realize Irene had a daughter. I m

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bet.”

“How long were you married?”

“A few years. In my mid-twenties. We w

both young. Stupid. Just out of college.

didn’t really know each other that well.

didn’t really know ourselves that well.”

I nod because at this point, I don’t know welse to do. I’ve been blindsided and the mou

of history that is tumbling over me is maki

difficult to breathe.

“So then one day about three years intomarriage, she takes off. No note. No noth

Like she just decided she didn’t want to live

life anymore. A few months later, after searc

for too long, I get divorce papers in the mIrene and George knew she’d disappeared. T

hadn’t heard from her either. It was like

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became a nomad or something. Eight mo

after, my first summer living by myself wit

Robin, Irene offers me the job at camp. I thi

was her way of apologizing for her daughmess.”

He takes my hand and laces his fingers thr

it. I can’t seem to hear anything. Robin was

ex-wife keeps zinging around my head, echlouder than any of his other words.

“So she’s dying and wants to reconnect?”

He nods and squeezes my hand, then trcircles on my palm.

“Did you love her?” I ask and my v

sounds so tiny that I can’t imagine he sees m

anything other than a little girl with a crush.

“I thought I did. I don’t know. I was yo

Love when you’re young looks different

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voice almost stops me.

I turn to him and shrug. “I’m only nine

You’ve made your position clear. But I can’

what you think you need tonight. I can be friend. But I can’t be anything else. You thin

don’t love in the same way you do? That I’m

young to understand? I love you so much

giving you exactly what you need right nownight that you won’t wake up regretting.”

And with my heart sliced into tiny pieces

scattering at my feet, I walk out the door.

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Chapter Nine

Three days. Seventy-two hours.

thousand three hundred and twenty min

That’s how long it’s been since I left Alex. S

I said the L word then walked out. And nowSunday and I have the entire day off. Sam an

have switched their days so they can go u

Bayswater for some festival I have no intere

seeing. So I’m on my own. I stare at my laubag in the back of the camp wagon headin

town. I have a whole day off and I’m d

laundry. I’ve reached a new low.

I slide into the passenger seat of the waand wait for whoever is dropping me off in t

to show up. This is one of the only perks of b

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car-less at camp. Someone will drop you off

pick you up on your days and nights off. I

built in designated driver, and when Jo

around to drive home from the Little Minnowsort of a godsend.

I prop my feet on the dash board and stare

the window. The door opposite me swings op

“Buckle up.”

Alex. Of course. FML.

“You’re the driver? Since when? You h

driving counselors into town.”He grins and a piece of my heart crack

and drops on to the crappy vinyl seat. “H

you were going to be the passenger s

volunteered.”

“Huh.”

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So we’re friends again? Maybe. Do I

want that?

He reaches across me and grabs the seat

His hand brushes against my thigh as he clickbuckle into place and a warm puddle of w

moves from my belly downward. Nope. Fri

isn’t going to be an option.

I inch back, pressing myself against the d

He starts the car and switches the radio

Some sort of twangy country western thin

hate Northern Wisconsin radio stations.He taps his hands along the steering wheel

pulls out onto the camp road.

Four minutes into the silence, he takes a

on to the main highway.

“Laundromat is that way. You know, tow

town.”

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“You can do your laundry later. I thou

we’d do something else.”

“We?”

He nods and continues tapping on the ste

wheel. “Yep.”

I need to get my head in the game. My

keeps wandering between his tan legs and sthands. “How’s Robin?”

His mouth dips into a frown. “They’re tal

about moving her to hospice. Irene is again

but I think it would be best for her.”“What does Robin think?”

He shrugs. “She doesn’t really weigh in. S

on a lot of morphine. She’s not really awakeIrene’s call at this point.”

“Hmm… Well, I guess she’d know wh

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best.”

We drive a few more miles in the opp

direction of civilization before I can’t overrid

curiosity any longer. “Where are you taking m

“It’s not far now.”

That’s it. I’m being held hostage by the

I’ve been thinking about since practically theday of camp, maybe even before that, and I’

full-on panic mode. I don’t know how to be

him. My usual banter won’t work because

almost exclusively based in innuendo and ship has sort of sailed.

He reaches out and pats my leg. “Relax, K

Kay. It’s going to be fine.”

I’m not sure what he means by fine beccurrently my leg is on fire from where he tou

me, and I am four seconds from grabbing

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steering wheel, heading into the trees,

tackling him.

Oh dear.

A few minutes later, he pulls into a tiny par

lot beside a boat dock. I blink. He opens

door and pulls a waterproof picnic basket

beneath a blanket in the backseat. So not w

was expecting.

He comes to my side of the station wagon

grabs me by the hand. “My canoe is over her

I walk behind him to the dock and sbeached canoe tilted over on the shore. He

it right side up and grabs the two pad

beneath it.

“You were planning this for awhile, huh

ask.

“The past three days.”

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“Oh.”

He hands me the paddle and pulls the bo

the edge of the water. He drops the picnic ba

in the middle and points to the bow. “Well, in.”

I slide off my shoes and stow them next to

picnic basket. Then I hop in the front of

canoe and look back at him. He’s staring at

so hard that my pulse speeds up. “Are

okay?”

“Yep. Just admiring the view.”Okay, then. I am so screwed.

I open my mouth to volley back, but I’ve

nothing. Literally. My throat is dry and I c

think of one thing to say. He chuckles and pu

the canoe off the shore, hopping into the ste

the last second.

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We paddle to the center of the lake and

points out a family of loons. Then we get

discussion about the impact of motorized b

on the ecosystem of the lake. And for a secit’s good and we’re like we’ve always been. A

I think maybe all of the subtext of this

summer will fade away. He steers us towa

small island and helps me out of the canoe. way his fingers skim my hips makes my b

catch. He lets his hands linger too long and by

time he’s setting the basket on the ground, I’m

warm and flustered I can’t speak.

“Why are you doing this?” I whisper.

He looks right into my eyes, and I can’t

my gaze away. “Because you’re worth it.”Three steps. It takes three steps for him to

to me. To stand in front of me raw with e

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emotion on his face. My breath comes in sha

gasps and my brain is too crowded with al

wanting.

He releases a shaky breath of his own cups my face in his rough hands. “Can I?”

I bite my lip and nod. Then his mout

covering mine and I open for him and suck on

tongue, and he tastes like all the deliciousne

summer in one incredibly sexy package.

He lifts me and my legs wrap around him

whimpering because it’s not enough. His misn’t enough. It’s been too long with too m

ache, and now I want all of him. He lowers

down and presses himself on top of me. And

when I finally feel his hardness and arch uphim, he drags his mouth away and looks at m

“Kay-Kay,” he says in between breaths. “

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you sure this is what you want?”

I nod. “Are you?”

“God yes. From the moment I saw you

summer. I can’t stay away. You’ve got me.

whatever you want. For however long.

yours.”

I tug his head down and slide my hands upback of his shirt. “I want all of it,” I wh

before kissing him, deep and hard with al

things I’ve been feeling for the past seven we

Then everything in my brain fades asbecome a tangle of arms and legs and clo

and sweat and all the questions seem to have

same answer: yes, yes, yes.

I can’t stop touching my face on the

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home. It’s covered in razor burn. Only

biggest fool wouldn’t know what I’ve been u

Alex keeps staring at me like I’m some so

endangered animal, and I finally turn to him.“What?”

“Why do you want me?”

“What?”“Why did you choose me at the beginnin

the summer? There’s lots of counselors at

boys’ camp. You’re gorgeous. You co

probably have your pick.”My face breaks into a huge grin. “You t

I’m gorgeous?”

“I’ve told you so from the beginning.”“Yeah, but it’s still nice to hear after you

seen all of me.” I can’t hide my blush so I loo

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my hands in my lap.

He chuckles. “Yeah. I’d say you’re even m

gorgeous now.”

“Thanks.”

“So. Why did you pick me?”

“I like you. I’ve always liked you. We’re

of alike, you know? I get you more than Ithose other guys. They’re all just stupid

wanna get wasted and hook up. They don’t

about anything.”

“You’re nineteen going on forty, Kay-Kay

I nod. “Yep. I always have been. That’s w

got so tired of hearing all your crap about

young I am. That stuff has never mattered to mHe gets quiet for too long, and I nudge

shoulder. “It matters to other people though,

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finally says.

I shrug. “Not my problem.”

He frowns and doesn’t say anything else

we get back to the camp road. “So what do

see happening between us now?”

“Well, it wouldn’t suck to do that  again.”

“Ha. True. So is this just that then? We’vethree weeks of camp left so it’s just going t

fun. Is that what you want?”

I know what I want, but I’m not about to

myself out there like that again. Not when I’msure how he’ll respond. Not when there ar

many what ifs between us.

“Can’t we just play it by ear?”

He stops the car half way down the c

road. He leans over and kisses me. Soft

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warm and wet and yummy. “Okay. We’ll pla

by ear.”

Then he drives the rest of the way to

parking lot, and I make the slow climb up thback to my cabin. My skin is tingling and I

like I’m glowing in the dark. My feet move

snail’s pace because I’m not ready to get bac

my cabin yet. The rush of the day is couthrough me, and I want it to last a few min

more before the reality of camp life settle

again.

I take another step and hear a noise by

bathrooms. I peer into the darkness and

hands grab me. I almost squeak, but I k

these hands. I’ve known them all day. Theyme into the darkness against a tree.

“Alex,” I whisper as he trails his mout

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lingering kisses along my neck. “Someone m

see.”

“Yeah,” he says, then lifts me for a hu

mouth kiss before setting me down and stepback. “It’s probably a good thing I won’t be

next year.”

He drops another kiss on my cheek and s

to whistle as he makes his way toward his

cabin.

I slip beneath my sheets and can’t help

brain from latching on to the last thing he sawon’t be here next year . My gut cramps a

have to take several deep breaths before I

think clearly again. I have three weeks. T

weeks to make a guy old enough to be myfall in love with me. How hard can that be?

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Chapter Ten

We can’t stop touching each other.

bordering on obnoxious and if anyone

looking really careful, we’d totally be called

on it. Alex helps me adjust the archery tawhich really involves his hand on my ass

struggle to inch it two feet to the side. I help

put away the windsurfing boards which is r

me sliding my hands up his muscular back whe hoists boards over his head. I may have

licked him. Twice.

I can’t wait until my next night off and wh

finally comes, I race to his cabin without talking to Jo or Sam about my plans. My sh

off and I’m on top of him when a hard kn

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sounds on his door.

“You in for the night?” Sam yells.

I choke back a laugh at the look of horro

Alex’s face. “Yep. Talk to you tomorrow.”

“Use protection. Some of his sperm migh

be viable,” she calls out and barks out a laug

she clomps away.“Your friends know about us?”

I raise my eyebrows. “Not that hard to fi

out. They’re not stupid.”

He shakes his head. “This is going to bite

in the ass later. Irene’s gonna find out,

there’s no way she’ll hire you back next year

I bite the inside of my cheek to keep blurting out that I have no intention of returnin

camp if he isn’t. Instead, I say, “Well, you w

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be here so it won’t be a problem.”

He fingers the edge of my cut-offs and

me down on top of him. “Unless you attack

next poor, unsuspecting windsurfing instructo

“Nah. This is kind of a one-time deal. P

who’s to say he’d want me? It took everythi

had to win you over.”

Alex chuckles. “He’d want you. It

everything I had not to fall.”

I lick my lips and he follows the movem

Yeah. I’m not the only one screwed in this d“But you did fall, didn’t you?”

He lifts me up and searches my face for

question behind the question. We both know

there. He opens and shuts his mouth, then shhis head. He knows what I need to hear and

he won’t give it to me. Instead, he flips me

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and kisses me until I can’t think about the mi

words between us anymore.

Jo, Sam and I are sitting on the watersk

dock, watching the sunset. It’s a free evenin

most of the campers are watching a movie in

rec hall. The loons are calling to each oacross the lake, and the quiet peacefulness s

into me and dampens my restlessness.

“Only about two more weeks,” Jo says. you know what you’re gonna do?”

I shrug. “Go back to college.”

“And him?”

“He’ll go back to teaching.” The hole in

quivers at the notion of time apart, but I’m no

idiot. I want to finish college. He has a job.

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reality of nineteen and forty isn’t lost on me.

“And then?”

I bite my lip. “Can I ask him to wait?” I

Sam who is strangely quiet tonight.

She turns to me. “Is that what you wan

mean, do you really think this is the real de

get that you’re an old soul, but really, yopretty young to be planting your flag right n

Sam dangles her bare feet into the water

kicks up a splash.

“Where do you see yourself in five yearsask her.

She raises a shoulder. “Don’t know. I coul

plan where I’ll be next year. Too muc

changing. Too much has changed over the

year.”

“You see, for me, I do  know. I mean

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exactly, but I know I’ll be teaching in five yea

know I’ll be working with kids somehow. I k

I’ll figure out a way to spend summers on a

And I know I’ll be with him. Or at least I howill be.”

Jo inhales a quick breath. “Really? You’re

sure?” It’s a weighted question. I know all

shit she’s been through with Jeff and the newis hitting her hard right now, but again, she w

talk unless she really needs to, and she r

thinks she needs to.

“Yeah. I mean nothing is set in stone. B

makes sense. He makes sense to me. Like

the first time, I feel like I found someone who

right fit.”Sam shakes her head. “You won’t be abl

talk him into it. No matter how he feels or

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sure you are. He’ll think he’s taking somet

away from you.”

I nibble on my bottom lip. This is the prob

of course. He will think that. And part of it wia little true. It’s hard to find your great love w

you’re only nineteen. It’s stupid and romantic

bullshit really. Except that it’s not. And the

that I won’t be with him in five years msomething inside of me whither.

“Any ideas?” I ask.

Jo shakes her head and looks to Sam says, “Hey. I got you in the guy’s bed. All

rest of that stuff is so  not my area. Not

getting a guy into bed is my area.” She trips

stumbles over her words as her face reddmaking me even more curious what’s going

with her.

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The three of us spend the next twenty min

in relative silence. We listen to the loons and

voices of people passing in their boats,

mostly, we’re each in our own heads. I’ve goused to that with us. It’s become a friendshi

time and comfort. We all seem to know when

best just to let the universe unfold as it will.

We head back up to the cabins and Astops me in his golf cart half way up the hill.

“Hop in. I want to show you something.”

I grin. “I love it when you talk dirty.”He blushes and smiles in this adorable

boy way. “Knock it off and get in.”

I slide next to him and this time I press

close. If anyone saw us, they’d be asking all

of questions, but at this point, I don’t care. I’

minus fifteen days and need all the help I can

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Alex rests his hand on my thigh as he drive

toward the fire pit. He parks the golf cart

pulls me close.

“You have to be quiet,” he says as he kithe tip of my nose. “We don’t want to scare t

off.”

I follow behind him and he walks us to

edge of the lake on the south side of camp

drops to his stomach and I mirror his ac

Then he shimmies closer to the edge and p

over. I slide in next to him and hold my breathA nest of baby loons is resting on the edg

the water. Their black fuzz blends them into

background, but the light from the top of th

shines almost directly on them.“Oh my God,” I whisper. “How did you

them?”

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Alex shrugs. “I saw the mother looking

food earlier and followed her. Pretty cute, hu

I blink at him and nod. “Yeah. Kind

amazing, actually. I don’t think I’ve ever loons that small. Not even in ten years of b

here.”

Alex shimmies back and props himsel

against a tree, his long legs stretched before

“Yeah. I’m going to miss this kind of stuff

year. But I’ll probably get to see even mor

the Costa Rican rain forests.”I nod. “Probably.”

The wide expanse between us suddenly se

uncrossable, and I don’t know how to tell

what I want. So I just sit quietly next to himlean my head against his shoulder.

“Robin’s in hospice. They think only a

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days now.”

“Jesus. Really? I haven’t seen Iren

should’ve asked.”

He takes my hand in his. This is us now

likes holding my hand in this adorably

fashioned way. “Irene’s been with her.”

“Are you okay?”He nods. “Yeah. Sad for her. Sad for Ir

But I said my goodbyes a long time ago.”

“Did you… Did you want me to go to

service with you or whatever?”

He squeezes my hand. “No. That’s okay.

too much to ask, and I’m not sure how I

would take it.”I want to tell him that I don’t give a shit w

Irene thinks. All that matters is if he needs

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but I realize this is a childish response and I n

to be more patient with him and all his insecu

about us.

“Okay. Well, if you change your mind…”

The air between us is full of questions,

neither of us has any answers right now. We h

a dying ex and a nest full of baby loons a

nineteen-year-old girl who has fallen too hard

we don’t say anything. We sit beneath a

holding hands and pretending that in two we

we’re not going to have to say goodbye.

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Chapter Eleven

Three days later Alex disappears. His cla

are cancelled with no explanation. Irene’s

gone so I can only assume the worse. Rob

died. I expected more from him. A nSomething. But kisses and sex and hand-hol

and all the rest of it apparently haven’t trans

in his mind as any indication that he needs t

me when he’s taking off.It’s my own fault. I said the L word. I hav

said it since. He hasn’t asked for it, an

certainly haven’t asked him to reciprocat

Even I have enough sense to know wheprotect myself. But still, a quick text or not

my bunk saying, “I’m taking off to deal

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Robin stuff. I’ll see you when I get back” w

have gone pretty far.

As it stands, I am an archery machine. I de

an elaborate contest for the campers recreThe Hunger Games with archery targets. I g

town and buy a boatload of candy to give a

as prizes. In summer camp, candy is curr

and by the end of the first day, everyone wansign up for the contest, even those girls wh

never picked up a bow before.

Sam makes all her campers join and spends the rest of the day helping me with

contest. By four o’clock, we’re both exhau

and ready for a drink at the Little Minnow.

I choke down dinner and eavesdrop on alconversations around me to hear if any

knows anything about Robin or Ir

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Unfortunately, most of the rumors are about A

and how he’s run off with a former camper.

irony of this isn’t lost on me, and I secretly s

into my mashed potatoes, thinking if only knew.

Jo is sitting on the hood of her car, waiting

us after dinner. She’s tense and buzzy and I

tell something huge is racing around her brain

“Ready to go?” she says and hops off the

clicking the unlock button.

“Yep. In a hurry?” Sam says with a smirkwhatever is going on, I’m the only one not in

know.

“Did you want to tell me something?” I ask

Jo shakes her head and bites her lip.

chuckles and slides into the back seat.

“You’ve missed a lot of fun nights at the L

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Minnow” is the only explanation Sam will

me.

Jo throws the radio on too loud and thu

through her songs to get to one we all knowlove. We belt the lyrics at the top of our lung

we head up the camp road. I glance at Al

cabin as we pass it and my breath catches.

“Stop!”

“What?” Jo slams on the brakes, turns of

music and looks around. “Did you see a deer

“No.” I unbuckle my seatbelt and slide “Alex is back. I’m gonna…”

Sam sighs and climbs over the backseat

my now vacant one. “Shafted for a guy…aga

I grin. “Sorry. I’ll make it up to you.”

Sam waves me away. “No, you won’t. Yo

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worthless. The entire girl code goes to shit w

love is involved. This is why I don’t mess

that. Guys yes. Love, hell no.”

I lean down into the car. “Thanks. I dknow what I’d do without the two of you.”

Sam grins. “Him. You’d do him. All the tim

I laugh and then wave. The car acceleratethe camp road, and I can hear the music pou

through Jo’s open windows again. I take a

steadying breaths before I tiptoe to Alex’s ca

I knock lightly and hear the shuffle of inside. He pulls the door open and my h

stops at his look. Before I can say anything,

tugged me into the room and lifted me up

hands cupping the underside of my thighs.back slams against the door and his tongu

plunging into my mouth, almost choking me

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ferocity.

I press my palms against his chest, bu

crushes me closer. All my good intentions ab

telling him off, telling him that I’m worth a fucnote at the very least, seemed to have esca

me for this moment. His lips and mine tan

and searching for each other.

Finally, he lets me go.

“Thanks for the note,” I say, pulling my

back down to my waist.

“I didn’t know how to tell you.”“A simple, Hey Kay-Kay, my ex died so

onna take care of that  would’ve sufficed.”

He shakes his head. “I couldn’t see you beI left.”

“Why not? That’s asshole. That’s high sc

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bullshit. Jesus, aren’t you supposed to be

grown up here?”

He rakes his fingers through his sandy b

hair and steps back. “Yes. But when I gotnews, I didn’t feel like a grown up. I wante

come to you. I wanted to bring you with m

wanted to hold on to you and never let go.”

The breath rushes out of me. “Why d

you?”

“Because I can’t feel that way. Yo

nineteen. I can’t want you this much. It’ssupposed to be like this. It’s not suppose

hurt like this.”

I’m suddenly shaking. Violently. My

won’t hold me, and I slump to the grounhiccup a sob. “I know.”

“What am I supposed to do about you?”

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desperation in his voice is everything I’ve fe

the last few weeks. The gnawing hunger and

painful knowledge that it can’t be, that we c

be.“I don’t know.”

He drops down and crawls toward me.

in love with you. You have to know this by n

Of course I do. It’s everything I wan

Everything I knew in the back of my mind. A

hurts like nothing I’ve ever known. The sha

won’t stop and he gathers me into his lap clings to me tightly.

Tears are slipping down my face. He col

them on his fingers and brushes them away. T

when they keep coming, he kisses them awAnd kisses me. And I get lost in it again f

moment before I pull back from him.

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“We’re not going to work?” I say.

He shakes his head. “You know we aren’t

I scrunch my eyes together and beg for

moment to freeze. For us to get to be like

forever. For nothing outside of these wall

exist. But when I open them again, I kno

won’t get that. I won’t get to keep him. H

walk away from me and he’ll be right to do it

I pull off my shirt and help him off with

“Okay. Tonight. Just tonight. Right now.

disappear after this, but right now, I need Please.”

He lifts me and puts me on his bed. His fin

brush away the last of my tears and then he’

top of me, loving me in a way that’s both teand desperate. And as I cling to him, I know

this is his way of saying goodbye.

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Chapter Twelve

The campers left yesterday. It’s the staff’s

day and I haven’t been with Alex since ten

ago. We don’t even look for each other.

can’t. The heartsickness is too huge. The after the last time, Sam saw me at breakfast

shook her head, then mumbled something a

the trouble with love. Since then, both she an

haven’t left me alone. I love them for it and enight with them is solace in a way that I n

could have expected.

Though Jo’s been skipping out some nig

She’s up to something big, but still hasn’t drop. At least not to me. It’s the end of

summer, she may just let it pass. And Sam

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been more quiet than I’ve ever seen her.

We’re having a campfire and the entire sta

singing. Nancy, the head cook, has out her g

and even Irene has shown up. She returnecamp a week ago to see that everything was

in order. She didn’t mention Robin and non

us asked about her, though by this point, mo

the counselors had heard the story.

Alex is on the opposite side from me, sta

into the fire. The s’mores I had earlier sit li

lump in my gut. I can’t sing. I can’t even mocan only ache. I’m a coward. I should get up

tell him goodbye. I should wish him luck in C

Rica next summer. I should tell him to send m

postcard. Instead, I blink back tears and gthe inside of my cheek.

Jo and Sam sandwich me in a squeezy

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and I hold their hands because they have

through it all with me and don’t care that I

stupid girl in love. Alex stands up and stare

me. He points to the woods and the questiohis face turns me inside out. Yes, I want this.

no, I don’t think my little heart can take m

more.

“One life, sweetie,” Jo whispers in my eamight even try to get mine, too. If I can do it,

can do it.”

Sam nudges me. “She’s right. Go fucking that.”

I drop a kiss on both their cheeks and s

on shaky legs. Alex is already to the edge o

woods by the time I catch up with him. I exhim to kiss me or at the very least wrap me in

arms, but he merely leans against a tree

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stares like he’s trying to memorize me. Like

standing in front of him with no clothes on.

A deep blush creeps up my neck and

moves forward to grab my hand.

“Come with me.”

I blink. “What? Where?”

“Next summer. Come with me to Costa RI let the excitement of possibility buzz ac

my skin before I shake my head. “I don’t h

the money. They won’t send us both.”

“They will. You’re my plus one. I alre

contacted them.”

“You did what?”

He looks at my fingers laced through histraces the bones with his thumb. “I conta

them and asked if I could bring someone

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me.”

“Wait. What?”

“I told them I was interested in applying fo

grant and asked if I could bring someone

me. Like a research assistant.”

“And they said you could?”

“Yeah. I mean we’d have to pay for yairfare and food. But I could help you with

You could stay with me, and I bet you c

even get college credit for it.”

My mind is reeling. “You want me to cwith you?”

He shakes his head. “Yes. Obviously. W

would I bother asking if I didn’t want you the“But, why?”

He releases his hand and lifts my c

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“Because, beautiful, I don’t want to lose you

Then his mouth is on mine and we’re ki

and laughing, and everything has been solve

the same time that nothing has. There armany what ifs still. So many things that c

happen in the next year. But none of it seem

matter. Not now. Not when he’s gone to

effort of finding a way to keep me.

I pull back from him and wrap my arms tig

around his neck. “I told you I’d talk you

me.”His deep chuckle lights me up from my to

the top of my head. Everything feels warm

tingly and full of all the best parts of this sum

“That you did, Kay-Kay. That you did.”

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Jody

Chapter Thirteen

I jerk open the shed with lifejackets and

myself again that Jeff’s busy. Won’t notice

I’m okay. Arguing with him is exhausting, a

have better things to do with my time.I readjust my long hair into a tighter pon

and start counting.

The scraping of boat against the gravel

me from my trance. I’ve been staring at the row of lifejackets and I’m pretty sure I lost c

after ten. I’ve got to get myself together—c

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my count before the girls are up. My run

morning didn’t clear my head the way I need

to.

The problem’s that Jeff and I were togefor two years, since a year after high sc

graduation, and our families know each o

and we’ve said things like “I love you”

“forever” so I fell into that comfortable fanWhen it was pulled out from underneath m

didn’t know where I belonged anymore. I

that a man had the power to do this to me.

I’m not supposed to be the weak girl. A

really should have told him that he needed to

a different job this summer. But the one thing

learned from my parents is that reputation golong ways, and I’m not going to have any

thinking less of me because of what Jeff sa

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know he’d have things to say about my mat

if I told him to work somewhere else. I can’t

it. We know too many of the same people in

life outside of camp.And now I’ve lost count of the stupid

ackets. I start at the top row again.

Kay-Kay smacks my butt as she steps into

shed next to me.

I spin to face her, my jaw tight from Jeff

feeling pathetic.

Her face softens as she takes in my expresand glances back out the door at Jeff t

together canoes. “Let it go. He always w

pretentious prick. Good riddance, I say.”

“Yeah, well.” I sigh. “Mom and Dad havvery different idea about Jeff than you.” So d

for that matter.

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“You’re twenty-one, Jody. Who cares? Y

don’t get forever at twenty-one.” And the

almost looks like she’s bitten her tongue. Tha

new one for her.Kay-Kay doesn’t get the Jeff situation.

that I’d want her  parents, but mine expect a

So much. They hate that I’m still teaching a

camp, and next year’s my last year of collegthis is probably the last summer here for m

can’t imagine not coming back next summer

being part of these girls’ lives.

I glance back at her. “Don’t you own a br

She shrugs. “It’s hot.”

“I have two nipples that stare at me e

morning in that stupid mirror someone putoutside our shower stalls. I really don’t n

yours, too.” At least I know there’s almos

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two outfits. For me, that’s a sign it’s going t

a great summer.

Also, Jeff’s finally paddling away with

canoes in tow. That helps, too.

“Little Minnow tonight. I know you don’t w

to miss out.” She starts to walk away.

Of course I want to miss out. Right nowant to be pathetic and hide inside my ca

Immerse all of me in camp and forget my ou

life exists. But since I hate that I’m feeling

way, I’ll definitely be at the bar.

Sam and Kay-Kay have a beer with

minute of when we step inside, but I havscope out the room first. See who’s h

Breathe in the familiar smell of stale beer,

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worn-out old wooden building. The problem

being the oldest of the counselors is that Sam

Kay-Kay are my only two friends left.

And they’re awesome girls, and probreally good for me in some warped way,

those two don’t let anything go.

Jeff’s in the corner, talking to some very yo

looking blonde who’s half on his lap, and

stomach tightens up. I’m so glad I didn’t

before coming. I stare for a moment too long

his eyes catch mine. Instead of looking awaypretending he didn’t see like any actually nice

would do, he gives me another frown

apologetic smile that immediately turns me int

angry, ex-girlfriend.I’m smarter than to give him the satisfactio

affecting me, so I smile slightly back and le

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eyes wander away. If I was a drinking

tonight would definitely be a night to

hammered.

How can he be so cavalier about two yeOur moms had practically planned our w

wedding. And was it Jeff’s fault that he brok

with me?

Of course not.

The first words out of Mom’s mouth w

“What did you do? He’s such a perfect yo

man.”“Whoa.” Kay-Kay grabs both my shoul

forcing her face into my line of sight. “Chill.

can kill someone later. Like tomorrow. We

archery right away. Picture his face in the tabut please let’s not start the drama our first n

here. I need you to drive me home.”

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Her breath already smells like beer, but the

is the perfect distraction. What she do

realize is that I still sort of hurt too much t

angry. Or maybe I’m in shock. Or maybe irandom combination of things I don’t remem

ever feeling that I never want to feel again.

“Now.” She turns me toward the bar.

check out that delicious piece of ass behindbar, and I dare you to tell me you don’t fe

between your legs when he says hello.”

I blush a little, even though I should be useKay-Kay’s lack of filter.

I step up to the worn wooden bar and

before sitting down.

“Hello?” Thick Irish accent. Dark brown stare past me, or into me, or at me in a way

yes… I feel pretty deeply. Deep enough th

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cross my legs when I hop on the stool.

A curl of his brown hair hangs over

forehead, and I wonder what it would feel lik

run my hands through a guy’s hair who actuhad more than a business man’s tidy haircut.

is so not like me.

Tattoos line his arms to his hands, and

I’m staring at his lip ring. There’s a part of

that’s fascinated by it. What would it feel lik

kiss?

“Can I get you something?” His eyes arevery intently on me, so much that I scoot b

slightly.

Oh, shoot. He’s been waiting for me. It’s

that his delicious accent, and rockstar hotnemuddling my brain. “Can I get a sprite with s

grenadine?”

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His brows go up along with a corner o

mouth. Intensity gone.

They really need to start hiring geeks

because I can’t think straight with someonehot looking over the counter at me.

“Sprite with cherry flavor?”

“Yes.” I’m an idiot, and really not in the mfor the run-around I so often get because I li

little kids’ drink. Not everybody drink, drin

used to tell everyone that Sarah Jessica Pa

doesn’t drink, but no one knows who shanymore, so it doesn’t seem to matter.

“That’s a Shirley Temple.” It’s so obvious

he’s holding in his laugh, and half of me wan

sink into the floor, the other half gets spissed.

“Yes.” I rest my arms on the bar, no lon

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intimidated by his looks. For now. “But it w

be great if we didn’t call it that.”

“Sure thing…” He tilts his head at

sideways, and lets his words trail off.

Oh. Right. He wants my name. “Jody.”

“Jody.” My name actually sounds very

coming from him. His eyes hit me in the gut aDefinitely going to need to talk to the owner,

about hiring zit-filled, Dungeons-and-Drag

playing dudes who belong in their moth

basements. I come here too often.The Irishman bartender isn’t going to work

me.

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Chapter Fourteen

I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling of my caHighlights of our first night.

Pulling Sam out from underneath the guy

last year single-handedly ruined the summe

three other camp counselors by passingherpes, and singing at the top of our lu

because there’s no other way to drive thro

the woods without being freaked out.

 None of us will ever admit that, but we

every time. Unspoken. Friends with unspo

rules are the best kind of friends.

I close my eyes and think about Jeff incorner. Then the girl. Tan, like I’ll never

Blonde. Nice thin arms, instead of my st

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ones. I’m a runner, swimmer and biker.

competed in triathalons since I can remem

and usually run before camp starts for the

before the camper walk. Kay-Kay and would give me no end of crap if they knew.

And the bartender. Liam, I learned. So gen

to fall for the hot guy behind the bar. He has

urban feel—skinny jeans, black rock T-shirt,he’s here. So strange. And those relations

never turn out well—the summer ones. Fo

the fact that I could never go there. Which m

me think of Jeff, which makes me think of sch

Ack.

I wonder if there’s any way to push

finishing college because I’m nowhere near rto enter the real world. Not when I have

idea what to do with my business degree wh

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don’t give a crap about business.

The girls are groaning over a two-mile wand to make matters worse, I’m picking up

tail because Kay-Kay needs to be in a pos

where she bumps into Alex as often as poss

What the hell is she thinking? He’s twice her

 Not that she’d let that stop her. And may

have to admit that part of me is jealous of

umping in and going for what she wants becthere’s no way I’ll do anything about L

behind the bar. Too tattooed. Too smi

Too…Irish. Okay. So, the Irish thing to

works in his favor. I’ve been there twice didn’t want to leave both times.

A half-mile in, two girls are sure they’re g

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to collapse from exhaustion even though I k

that if they were given a credit card at

entrance of the mall, they could probably go

five miles before crashing on a bench.Part of bringing up the tail is taking girls b

so we turn around, and let the group continue

When I move past Irene’s office, I nearly

into Bill, the Little Minnow owner, and the

who got me the job here my first year. He

good friend of my Uncle Tate, who unders

my need to not be home during the summers—understands the craziness of his sister who i

mom.

I’m pretty sure my parents are reli

because the older I get, the less patience I hMom and I are both all about organization

ust do it in opposite ways. It’s like having a

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freak live with someone who has OCD—y

think they totally mesh, but they don’t. Not re

Bill has the beer gut to match his job, and

biggest, friendliest smile anyone could own.

“Jody.” He squeezes me into him. “How’s

girl?”

I shrug. “Fine.”He cocks a brow. “I saw that good-

nothing Jeff last night.”

“Yeah. We split.” We. Ridiculous. I think

decided I was too much for him to handledidn’t use that word because he knows be

but it’s the distinct impression I got when

mentioned that we were “going diff

directions”. I wasn’t aware we were g

different directions. I was pretty sure we w

moving toward matrimony and forever. But.

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obviously weren’t. Or at least he wasn’t. I t

Jeff and I would be happy. Actually, I thou

we could be, but he’s handled all of this brea

stuff in such a juvenile way that I’m no losure.

“He’s an ass,” Bill says.

“He’s a good guy.” But even as the w

come out, I start to wonder how true they

Who dumps their girlfriend they claim to lov

no real reason?

“Liam asked about you.” The beginnings grin twitch at the corners of his mouth.

“Liam?” My voice makes me sound li

don’t know exactly who he is. And that I ma

didn’t think about him as I fell asleep last nAnd that I wasn’t planning on thinking about

as I fell asleep again tonight.

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I know just by looking at him that Liam a

would definitely not get along, but I c

remember having such a strong physical rea

to someone, and that’s a really happy way toasleep.

“You know, the one all the girls are droo

over this year?” He gives me a nudge.

My cheeks flush, and I just hope that

heat’s hiding my embarrassment better th

think it is. I really hate this about myself. E

emotion crosses my face. And there are tiwhen that’s a good thing—like when I w

someone to know I’m pissed. And then there

times like this—when I’d rather no one k

that I’m one of many who thinks the Irishlooks pretty insanely incredibly gorgeous. Ev

he’s not my type.

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“Oh.” Which almost makes me laugh, bec

that was a whole lot of thinking to come up

one stupid word.

“He’s my nephew. My sister’s son. Harough year last year and wanted to do somet

else for a while.” His gruff voice is compl

filled with kindness and maybe a little bit of

making me wonder what Liam’s story is.

“Oh.” I’m apparently incapable of act

speaking.

“Well, I’ve got to head back. Make surehave enough of the cheap stuff to last for the

of the week.” He winks. “And I stocked up

that cherry-flavored stuff you like.”

“Thanks.”Liam. Right in this moment I wish I were K

Kay or Sam so that next time we ended up

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Little Minnow, I could do something with

way I feel about him. Even if it didn’t

anywhere, it might be nice to not be afraid. A

am definitely curious as to what brought thatfrom Ireland to backwoods Wisconsin.

Chapter Fifteen

The heat has officially taken over. We’r

going to be in the water today.

“Okay.” I shout, my hands on my hips, in of a line full of girls. “If I can pull your suit o

tugging a string, turn around, go back to

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bunk, and change. I don’t want an eyeful.”

have Kay-Kay for that. I don’t think she o

anything I’d call a swimsuit. My bras and pa

cover more than her suits.And Sam… Just because her body is per

doesn’t mean we always need to see it. Ev

stare at her, and I don’t swing that way.

doesn’t do “lakes” and is in a lounge chair wwhistle to help her look official in her silver bi

A few groans and at least a fourth of the

turn in their miniature swimsuits to head bactheir bunks.

At twenty-one I can’t imagine we

something like that. How are these girls so

of themselves so young? It kills me. I thougwas going a little crazy today wearing a

sporty two-piece with boy shorts, but I still

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completely exposed.

“For the rest of you. This is free swim. It’s

hot for me to care about any lessons.” I wav

them dismissively, knowing I just made their d

Squeals are followed by splashes, and

chaos. As much as I love the structured activ

I remember this being one of my favorite p

about going to the camp I grew up at.

“Jody?”

Holy Irish lilt. I cannot do this right now.

bathing suit.I rub my hand over my face once like

somehow hide my reddening cheeks and

around on the dock, feeling completely expo

He pauses and his eyes widen slowly as

float down my body. He’s not obnoxious ab

it, but he’s not hiding the way he looks at

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offered to drop it off.” He shrugs, which is su

relaxed gesture, but his eyes don’t waver

mine. It’s way more intensity than I’m used

Or maybe I was just settled into Jeff.“Oh.”

“Glad I ran into you, though. Maybe you c

take me swimming sometime without all the

helpers.” He winks.

I swear my body half explodes with this b

information until reality sets in. He has  to

messing with me. I could pick out more thanthe counselors here as better matched to

hotness. I’m stuck in cute territory, which is

but he definitely needs more than cute.

“Yeah. Huh. Well, I’m at work now. I’m I’ll see you around.” I want to walk away,

can’t bring myself to do it.

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“All right. Cheers.” His eyes linger on min

a moment longer before he turns around.

I watch his ass.

I am not an ass-watching girl, but his defin

deserves watching. I need to figure out w

nights he has off so I know I can go to the

without feeling inept.

The girls and I are heading to the Min

again tonight, and I have no idea how I feel ait—especially since I didn’t check Lia

schedule. I did spend more time than I sh

have getting ready, but for what, really? I d

have it in me to flirt with Liam whether he mit or not. And probably dressing up puts me i

even better position to make an ass out of my

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“Hey, Jo Jo,” Jeff says as soon as I

outside my cabin.

I freeze, suddenly angry that he feels lik

can just walk over here and be friendly. Whhe here? “Don’t call me that.”

He sighs, shifting his weight, but this is a

fidget thing, so I’m thinking he’s nervous. “C

on. Are we really going to do this?”

Instead of giving him the argument he’

obviously after, I turn and continue toward Sa

cabin.He grabs my arm, warm and familiar, for

me to wait. I don’t want him to touch me

also don’t want him to stop. I hate this. W

couldn’t he just disappear after breaking up me? Seeing him all the time is throwing me, a

hate to be thrown.

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This is classic Jeff—fidget when the convers

turns to something uncomfortable.

When he doesn’t say anything else, it’s li

rejection all over again. No comfort of “wstill good friends,” or “I didn’t want to

anyone,” or “we were both moving on,”

though I wasn’t. Silence.

I’m done here. I can’t look at him. There’

much history. Too much us.

“Jo, wait!” He jogs to catch up. “Please.

dinner. That’s all.”“And when did you plan on telling them

cross my arms, feeling stronger than I have s

he told me we should break it off. A little

back to my normal self—less thrown.“I…” He shrugs. “I don’t know.”

I know right now I’ll do the stupid dinner

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there’s this small sadistic part of me that wan

make him sweat. “Let me know when it is,

maybe I’ll come.”

His whole body relaxes in relief. Why hhe told them?

“Thanks, Jody. Really. I owe you one.”

nods with this look of sincerity that I’m not s

buy before turning and jogging off.

I take a few deep breaths trying to push al

Jeff-tension away when Kay-Kay leaps on

back and knocks it out of me.

Sam and I are at the Minnow alone—K

Kay bailed on us, which means she’s definafter Alex. Nothing keeps her from this place

“No bullshit, Jo. He’s already looked at

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twice. If you don’t take advantage of this p

ideal situation, I might be tempted to kick

ass.”

I just nod, having no idea what to makanything she’s just said.

Sam’s pocket buzzes. She pulls out her ph

“Oh, hell…” Her body slumps. “It’s my bro

I gotta talk to him.”

And now I’m alone.

Liam gave me an odd smile when I cam

but I don’t know if he’s being polite and notme, or if he’s offended that I didn’t chat with

more the other day. If I wasn’t dying of th

nothing could drag me to the bar—not

Sam’s threat to kick my ass.After basically agreeing to have dinner

Jeff’s parents, I’m feeling on edge. Like I k

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something’s up, but don’t know what it is. A

Kay-Kay’s out seducing an older man, and

weirded out by the way I feel around a g

don’t know, even though the wide wooden bbetween us.

Okay. I’m stronger than this. I should be.

thirsty. He works here. He already knows

drink I want, and so I’ll hopefully be spsome of the run-around I get from orde

making me wonder again why on earth I insi

getting the same thing. But who would g

regular soda when you could get one

cherries?

I tilt my chin up and take a seat.

Liam’s there in seconds, letting the other finish his order.

“Jody.” He pauses a half step from his sid

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the counter, and I swoon a little at the way

says my name. I should probably stay a

ways away from a guy who only needs one w

to turn me soft.“Liam.” I’ve paralyzed myself by compl

over-thinking the situation.

“Usual?”

I wait for the smirk or a wink, but it doe

come.

I nod and swallow a few times. The nois

the bar and everyone else sort of disappmaking ordering a drink the center of

universe. I’ve got to stop this. “Thanks.”

I watch him move as he fills my cup

splashes in the cherry flavor. Long, lean anice waist, a perfect view of his fabulous ass

eyes haven’t come back up when he turns, g

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me another nice view that I can’t believe 

enjoying through his snug jeans. He bends d

until our eyes meet—right about ass/crotch le

“You here?”

I press my palm into my face as if it’ll hide

and my burning cheeks. Never have I che

out a guy like that, and when I did, it defin

didn’t leave the pinpricks of nerves that

dancing around on my skin and in my gut.

“I…” I set my hand down.

He smiles. “Yeah, you’re here.”“I’m sorry.”

He chuckles. “What for? You think other

haven’t checked me out before?”“I’m not other girls. I’m not that   gi

don’t…”

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story than she let on, but I don’t push her.

tends to snap when I do, and I know she’s n

the mood.

We don’t even sing when we hit the tWhen we stop in the parking lot, I don’t k

how to do more than ask if she’s okay, and I

a mumble in response.

Chapter Sixteen

I hate shedding the casualness of my shand camp T-shirt. I come here to escape al

politeness of being around my parents, and

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This is just Jeff and his parents. We’ve ha

million meals together.

Just none where we were pretending to b

love.

Because we still were.

A knock at my door catapults me to my fe

I jerk it open to see Jeff. Perfectly presselight khakis and a button up, not a drop of sw

on his face. I don’t know how he does this

hair is probably already starting to frizz at

edges.“You’re early.”

He smirks. “Because I knew you’d be r

early, and that you’d be sitting in here stres

out about a night that’s no big deal.”

It’s a huge deal, but I can’t give him

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satisfaction of knowing how much in shock

am over our breakup, over his parents

knowing, and over him asking me for this biz

favor.He glances at my bag, and I’m sure

internally cringing. He bought me like thre

four designer purses when we were dating, w

I never used.

We sit in the car and I can’t help it. “Why

we split, Jeff?”

He sighs. “Different directions. Like I said“No.” I rest my hand on his arm and then

it away when I remember he doesn’t want m

touch him like that anymore. “That’s not it.”

He glances at me. “Everything’s so easyyou, Jody. You just do the right thing.

exhausting being in that shadow.”

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I’m completely deflated. Nothing’s easy

isn’t easy being the girl teased for her innoce

even though I was with Jeff. It’s not easy b

the only one without makeup because I cbring myself to care. Or the only girl not drin

at the bar. None of it is easy. I do it because

the right thing for me. Maybe Jeff n

understood that, which means that he never runderstood who I am.

Crazy that I never figured that out. Not in

almost two years we were together.

Jeff’s parents are perpetually early and w

through the glass doors of the restaurant asget close.

They won’t want to be out of air conditio

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in the heat.

Seafood.

Always a seafood place, even though I

almost everything on the menu and end

ordering something like chicken fingers tha

for little kids.

Jeff casually rests his hand on the small oback and once again I’m having a momen

flashback and how much comfort that use

give me. I’m still not sure if I should lean into

or pull away.Before I think, I go for the lean in. Norm

this is when his hand would sneak around

side and he’d rest his fingers low on my wai

give me a squeeze as a sign that he can’t waiour meal to be over so we can be alone.

I expect it. Rely on that. It was our rou

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shaking and my legs don’t feel like my legs.

was expecting to see an engagement ring. T

must have talked about it. What happened?

Do I even want to know?

I stand in the bathroom with my hands on

counter and stare at myself in the mirror.

hair. Freckles. Round face. Blue eyes. Shoul

that might be a little too strong.

Okay. I’m not a wimp. I can do th

straighten my shoulders, readjust my bag

walk out of the bathroom.I spot Jeff right away, staring down at

plate. His parents’ backs are to me.

“I just don’t understand why you’re wait

his mom says.

I slow my walk, knowing they don’t see

and wanting to know more.

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“You asked for the ring, Jeffrey. I

expecting…”

My feet refuse to carry me to their tab

can’t do this. Instead I head for the exit, trembling. I do not want to be trying to get

Jeff this summer. I want to love my summer.

last summer at camp.

As soon as I step outside, I sit on the b

and slide off my wedges and pull out my te

shoes.

“Jody!” Jeff bursts outside. “What are doing ?”

“I can’t do this.” I lace up my shoes, gl

around and start sliding my cut offs on unde

skirt.“What the hell are you thinking? You c

change here!”

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It’s so completely unlike me, but

desperate to get rid of everything that is this n

I button my shorts and slide off my

stuffing it and my cardi back in my bag. Tcutoffs, shoes. Better. I get a few odd looks

it’s not like I come here often, or that I’ll be b

here ever again.

“How do you plan on getting home?”

I open my mouth to speak, but hav

planned that far. “Anything’s better than ri

back with you. Have a nice dinner.”And just like that I walk away. As soon as

around the corner I pull out my phone and

dialing. Kay-Kay, who doesn’t answer and

Sam.

“Can you come into town and pick me up

ask. “My keys are in my room.”

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“I’m in the middle of a dance class,”

protests. “Go to the Little Minnow. I’ll meet

there after.”

Right. Change out the hurt and infuriationis Jeff for the hit me between the legs feeling

comes with Liam. Great.

Chapter Seventeen

By the time I make it to the Little Minnow

day and Jeff and his parents and talk of thehas sort of numbed me.

The place is packed when I step inside, an

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the fried food smell hits me, my stomach rum

Right. I missed dinner, and I’m not a skip

meals kind of girl.

I glance around, but the thought of sittingtable by myself just seems too pathetic.

Bill’s arm comes around me. “You’re loo

a little lost.”

“I…um…”

“Come on in back, and I’ll hook you

okay?”

Without a word I let him lead me, anminutes I have dinner on the picnic table out b

near the employees’ door. Two minutes a

that, Liam steps outside with a beer and fre

upon seeing me.

“Hey.” I wave as I stuff another small bunc

fries in my mouth. Hey  is a bit pathetic, bu

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least I spoke first this time.

He stands in silence, clutching his beer

white knuckles, which relaxes me a bit bec

something’s obviously making him nervous.

“You look outside of yourself,” he says a

sits across from me.

“Outside of myself?”“Something my mother used to say when

were deep in thought or completely distracte

get a better look at his tattoos as he folds

arms on the table. All swirled designs aronames and a few random objects—an anch

paw print…

“Your accent is unbelievably sexy.” The w

spill out before I can filter or stop them, a

wonder if Kay-Kay has these horrible crin

moments of regret when something just co

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out. I somehow doubt it.

He grins. “An actual compliment from the

quiet Jody. I’d almost given up.”

Given up? On what? My heart’s going cr

and my fingers are shaking. It’s just a guy. A

we’re only talking.

“Rough day?” he asks. Sheesh, the wordlike silk coming off his tongue and then I t

about silk and tongues, and… I have a que

to answer.

“You could say that. Just weird. I endedout to dinner with my ex-boyfriend and

parents and I sort of decided to take off.” Th

the easy explanation.

He cringes slightly. “Why would you be

with your ex-boyfriend and his parents?”

I sigh. “He hasn’t told them we split, and—

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“Sounds a bit like his problem and not yo

Liam adjusts his arms on the table and s

tugging at the label of his beer.

“I guess.” It’s a matter of me trying to kthe peace.

My eyes flit to his, but he’s so intense

maybe it’s the way that I feel about being c

to this perfectly cut, on the edge of bad-boy

of hotness who makes my knees weak by sa

my name, that creates tension in the situation.

“Look. Jody.” He sighs again. “I get whalike to be in this kind of shit, but if you don’t h

to be there, don’t be. Life will throw enough

at you without you walking into it.”

My eyes trace the outside of his body agThe perfect combination of lean and str

Skinny jeans, despite the heat. Jeff would n

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be caught dead in skinny jeans.

I’ve got to stop comparing the two.

 No comparison.

I ignore the voice in my head that’s making

feel a little insane with being this close to

And alone.

“You’re a deep thinker.” I can’t rememberlast time I had a conversation with someone

meant something, and I just met this guy.

“Hazard of living.” There’s a sadness in

eyes that I don’t understand and probably nwill.

Realizing I might never know makes me a

sad and then makes me wonder if we’ve staa sort of something here. I’m not sure what

something.

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His head cocks to the side as he reads

shirt. Or he’s studying my boobs—one of

hazards of my tanks and tees.

“Boys who don’t like smart girls, don’t girls.” He grins as he reads.

I shrug.

“Agreed.”Melting.

I know I don’t like this guy because I d

know him, but it’s crazy how his presence m

me a little flustered. I don’t get flustered. WOften.

My phone buzzes in a text. Be there i

ound   your   Keys. Your   part of the cab

reakishly neat. We gotta fix this.

“My ride’s on her way.” I rest my chin on

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hands to get a few inches closer to study hi

bit. He has the smallest wrinkles on the outsid

his eyes, making me wonder how old he is,

what his life is like.“You’re taking me in,” he says.

I am staring, so it’s not like I can deny

“I’m curious.”

“About?”

“Everything. All the time.” That’s safe.

“That’s a brilliant way to be.”

“Why are you here?”

Silence.

Silence.

“Sometimes. Sometimes,” he says. “Geaway is the only way to fix something.”

There’s that depth in his eyes again, whi

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almost don’t want to see, because right now

still just on my hot guy radar. Or blown the

off it. But now he’s a whole person—more

abs and hair and teeth and smiles and tattsass. A few sentences has taken him a notch a

from hot stranger with a lip ring and close

being someone I might want to know.

“Well.” I breathe in deeply, wishing it hadsame effect as a cold shower because I’ve n

felt a serious want of someone that’s really b

on nothing more than lust, and the more he t

the worse it gets. “I should go.”

“Too bad.” He stands and scratches his

revealing a small sliver of tight abs, which flu

me to the point that I stare at the table fmoment before meeting his eyes again. “We w

ust getting warmed up.”

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That or boiling over. One of the two.

Chapter Eighteen

Jeff’s at my cabin door when I make it bac

camp.

Sam gives me a questioning look, but Ithank her for the ride and move toward hi

stop about ten feet in front of him and really

him in. Really look at this person I’ve been w

My safety. That’s what he was when we wfirst together. He was cool with my weird sh

and my non-drinking and how slowly every

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happened between us.

After high school, I needed the stability.

Short, brown hair. Nice skin. Gorgeous br

eyes that I no longer trust, which makes the

lot less gorgeous. It’s like when you’re aro

someone every day they become such a pa

you that you don’t really see them anymore

seeing him now, though, and he looks lik

stranger.

He’s perfectly average, which was fine. G

What I wanted. But maybe I’ve moved pastnow. Maybe I’m less afraid.

Then I think about Liam and what his v

does to me, or the ring on his lip, or a glimp

skin, and then I’m not so sure I’ve moved fear.

“Hey,” he says.

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“I’m tired.” I sigh as I step past him and

my cabin.

He grabs my arm and tugs me out the

toward the bathroom before we wake any ogirls up. “I don’t know if I should be frustr

that you left me there to deal with a r

awkward situation, or be apologizing, or…”

I spin around, incredulous. “You  created

awkward situation, Jeff.”

I start to stalk back to my cabin, but he g

my arm and pulls me back.“Just a word, okay?”

I slump on the ground, feeling compl

overwhelmed with humiliation and hurt. If t

was a ring, is that what tipped him over? M

him run away? Helped him to know he cou

be married to me? Couldn’t even be with me

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“You don’t want to talk to me tonight

shake my head as my eyes fill with tears. “Pl

ust let me be.”

He frowns and the first bits of sadness seen since we split cross his features—low

his eyes, pulling his mouth into a frown. “I’m

stupid. I didn’t want to—”

“Just go!” I stand up and move to the ca

This time he lets me go. When I lean agains

wall I hear him curse a few times before wal

slowly away.And for the first time since we broke u

really let myself cry.

We haven’t seen much of Kay-Kay—s

been moody and crazy, but I think we all k

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that would happen if she went after Alex. T

days and I haven’t been able to bring myse

answer any of Jeff’s texts or to go see Liam.

Liam’s probably diverted his interestsomeone else at this point. I’m a bit baffled

why he paid me any attention to begin with.

Sam and I staged this intervention to tal

Kay-Kay. Sam even woke up early for it, bu

I can think about is how we sort of wante

talk her out of Alex, but ended up cheering

on instead. Telling her to take control. Even Ithat. Stood there and said that there’s no wa

didn’t see good things in her. Sam went on a

that involved true-to-form Sam language, b

believed it. Knew that if Kay-Kay wasomething to happen, she had to do it.

I’m not sure I’m in that situation. I think, un

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I’m totally reading Liam wrong, that he’d be

with something happening, maybe just me

around. So why can’t I?

Kay-Kay is probably right now dsomething dramatic. Something that will w

Wonder if I’ll even want to know what it is.

I scrub off the last of my camp day and

dressed to go to the Little Minnow. To see L

By myself. But my hands shake, and I feel l

should finally answer Jeff, and like maybe

doing something wrong.Or maybe I want to do something wr

With Liam.

And then as I drive I think about how

going back to school, and he’s probably gback to Ireland and how all of this is poin

anyway. But still I drive. I’m shaky as I pul

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because I know something’s different. An

know it’s because of me.

As I pull open the door I start to wond

everything I felt between us was really justimagination running away with me.

Liam’s at the bar, smiling and chatting

always. There’s no reprieve from the hea

here. If anything, it’s even worse than outside

Two girls are leaning as far over the count

they can, grinning at Liam. I don’t know him

enough to read him, but I do know that thething I want is for someone to break my h

like Jeff did. This means that my late n

fantasies about the guy have probably clou

what is actually real, and that’s maybe somelike friendship.

He’s smiling at them and his head is t

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down enough that his shaggy brown hair co

part of his face.

I shouldn’t be here.

“Jody!” He waves me over.

Guess I’m here.

He jogs around the end of the counter to m

me. Several pairs of eyes are shooting dagmy way, but my eyes have already found

mark.

“I don’t have a lot of time, but maybe

could step outside for a couple of minutThere’s this look of uncertainty about him th

don’t really understand because I can’t ima

many girls saying no to this guy.

He takes my hand in his and leads me out

I’ve never been much for hand holding, but

trying to learn about him. Rough, but not

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rough. His grip is firm, but not tight. His h

are bigger than mine, but I also don’t feel li

doll or anything. Pretty perfect.

We stop and he turns to face me, droppinghand, and then doesn’t say anything.

“Hi,” I say, wondering if it’s my job to b

the ice here. Or maybe there’s no ice, and

ust lost all sense when it comes to the opp

sex.

“I’m, um… I’m glad you came.” Now

looks fidgety.“You okay?” But now I wonder if I

We’re very alone outside the bar, and he w

me here, and I’m here, and I want me here,

I don’t like how sort of out of control I around him because I’ve never felt this nee

touch someone. Or to hope that they’ll move

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way that’ll show me some skin.

“This seemed like a great idea because I d

know how long I’ll be here, and it seems like

want to do something I just really need to already, and…” He blinks a few times a

looks at me. “You’re really very pretty. I mea

noticed that right away, but it didn’t stick with

for long, because you’re bigger than any roand I…” He stops. “Shite. Sorry. Way

personal. I do that sometimes.”

I’m still reeling from being called pretty.cute. Pretty doesn’t connect in my brain.

He plays with the cuff on his wrist.

I watch. Wondering why we’re out he

came here to see him, but I guess a part ofdidn’t think I would. Not really. And defin

not like this.

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“I think I like you. Or that I’d like to like

And sometimes I feel like you’re with me in

and other times I think you wish I’d drop d

and I guess I’d like to know what I’m up aghere? If we can get together sometime or if

want me to leave you alone, or…”

I’m stunned speechless for a moment. “W

only met a few times. You don’t know me.”

His body relaxes, and he leans against

back of the building. “I guess that’s the p

That I’d like to. Maybe. Unless the hints ofneeding to get away from me are how you fe

“Why me?”

“Because sometimes when you first m

someone you realize that they have the poteto change your life, and I didn’t want to mis

on that.”

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Change his life? Mine? How?

“Are you always this forward?” Because

would be awesome.

“I’m all for simple.”

“I’m all for safe.” The words just come

But how ridiculous are they? Jeff was safe. O

he wasn’t safe because he was my only boyfriend. We were close. We w

comfortable. And now we’re nothing.

“Jody.”

God. The way he says my name.

“There’s no such thing as safe. I’m not as

for forever. Just maybe a chance to talk with

Hang out sometime?” He chuckles. “I sound

a complete arse.”

“No.” I reach out and touch his arm, and

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eyes snap together. I jerk my hand aw

amazed at my forwardness. “I just…” I’

coward.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to be interestHe shakes his head and moves toward the do

My chest caves. He can’t just walk aw

“Okay. Yes. I mean. I don’t have a lot of t

off. But yes.” My words tumble over each o

in a mess of insecurity and desire, and the n

to move on. But I’m also terrified. I d

remember even kissing anyone other thanbecause it’s been so long, and I didn’t thi

ever would. “But you have to know that my

relationship felt all okay and then just stop

and I’m still not sure what to make of that, So I don’t know what I want right now,

that’s a really bizarre place for me to be in.”

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“Okay, then.” His smile splits his face. B

white against the tan and dark stubble.

In a flash I imagine his smile closer. His

ust before they touch mine. What his hwould feel like on my waist. His mouth on

collarbone.

I feel it in the pit of my stomach, and in

weakening legs, and in the masses of butter

way low in my stomach.

This  is what desire feels like. “Okay

breathe.

Chapter Nineteen

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of my voice.

“Are you two together?”

I sigh. “No.”

She sputters. “I’m in an incredibly awkw

situation with a friend of mine. When did you

on giving them this news?”

Her words grate on my insides. “It’s not rmy job, Mom. Not only is Jeff the one

broke it off, but they’re his parents!”

“You don’t have to yell.” She sou

wounded. Mom’s expert at this.

“Sorry, Mom. Just…tired.” She’s ex

enough that tiredness or made-up appointm

are the only way to fight against her.“Sun stroke, or is that a lie as well?”

I want to tell her about the ring and about

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Jeff keeps trying to call me, and about Liam

I can’t seem to find it in me to get the words

Especially when I already know she w

understand.“I have no idea what Jeff said after I

Mom.” I slump on my bed beyond tired. This

free evening, I should be doing something

Instead, I’m talking to my mom.

“I’m concerned because it’s rude to walk

on someone during dinner.” Her voice is clipp

“I’m about to be late for night swim andon guard duty,” I lie. “Gotta run.”

She huffs and mumbles a few more th

before we hang up.

“AAAHHHHHHH!” I scream be

throwing my phone across the room.

It bounces onto my bed, and isn’t nearl

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satisfying as I imagined.

Someone knocks.

“I’m not in the mood,” I snap.

“Kay-Kay needs us.” Sam pushes open

door.

Kay-Kay’s balled up on her bed, loo

paler than I’ve ever seen her.

 No words. No invites. Sam and I crawl in

sandwich her.

“What’s up?” I ask.

“Craziest, craziest thing,” she whispers.

has an ex-wife. Can you believe it? Iredaughter. He was married. Like someone got

before me.”

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“Or several someones, because he may

old, but damn he’s hot.” Only Sam.

“So… I don’t think that’s the real mes

say.

Kay-Kay shakes her head. “She’s dying

hospice near here.”

“Oh, God.” Sam snuggles in deeper.“And… I think tonight I turned him do

Like all summer I’ve been after him, but wh

came to it, I had to walk away. I couldn’t d

when he wanted solace. Is it awful that I wmore than that?”

I sit straight up. “No! Of course you n

more than that. Sex is a huge. Huge. Deal.”

Sam scoffs. “Not that big of a deal.”

My whole upper body goes hot. “Well. It

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some people.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” They both turn to

eyes intent.

“What?”

“Are you a virgin?”

“I’m not talking about this.” But they’ll k

as soon as they see my red face.They both give me a weird look.

“You’re twenty-one! How does that happ

Kay-Kay laughs through her tears.

“Oh. Jo.” Sam shakes her head. “That

behind the bar would take you in two seco

and I might pay money to see that man naked

“I totally would,” Kay-Kay chimes in.I flop back down. “I can’t just…sleep

him.”

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“Why the hell not?” They both ask at the s

time.

I cover my face with both arms. “Because

me.”

“He would be the perfect man to deflo

you.” Kay-Kay says.

“We’re not talking about this!” I’m goinactually die of embarrassment. The first pe

ever to not survive humiliation. “And no one

deflower.”

“With you. We use deflower.” Kay-Klaughing so hard I can barely understand

words, which I guess is better than a crum

mess of tears.

“Well, I wish I could be you for one night

sleep with him.” Sam nudges my arm so I k

she’s teasing.

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I’m trying to bury my face deeper into

mattress.

“We’re a fine mess, aren’t we?” Kay-

laughs a little as they both flop back.

“Something like that,” Sam says.

“And no more giving me crap,” I say.

And we lie together in silence. Becsometimes, you’ve said all you need to say

being there is enough.

“Deflower,” Kay-Kay whispers.

And we break into another round of hyste

I have a serious love/hate relationship with t

girls.

For the next four days I keep to my

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Organize the camper schedule to perfection,

stay away from the Little Minnow. I’m exhau

because I’ve been over-working myself e

day. And also tired because I’ve been thintoo hard about Liam, what he might want, w

might want.

There’s a knock at my cabin door, an

freeze.

“I brought you food.” Liam.

My heart sprints. Liam brought food. To

He sure didn’t waste any time. I search fsmall mirror, but realize it’s probably better

to know what I look like after chasing cam

all day.

I jerk open the door and melt a little asmile and the two bags of food he’s holding.

“Um. Wow. We could eat in the Cro

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est. It’s this empty room above the dining h

He winks at me and my stomach flips. “Em

eh?”

I step around him and the two of us wa

silence to the Crow’s Nest. Evening activit

happening and there’s no one around. I lead

in, but once he’s inside, I wonder if I want t

in this close of quarters with him.

“Actually, maybe we should eat downstai

somewhere outside. There’s lots of picnic sp

I offer.His eyes are everywhere, maybe trying to

in the surroundings of what is essentially a s

bedroom.

“Yeah. Sure.”

He puts both bags in one hand and touche

cheek with his fingertips. “Ye’ve had a ro

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day.”

My whole body quivers from that one sim

touch. “Something like that.”

He drapes his arm over my shoulders, a

stiffen. He gives me a squeeze. “Relax, Jody

not after you. Sometimes we run into people

because we need someone right then. I’m

asking for any more than friendship.”

I relax and let the weight of his arm pull

into him. With his hard body against min

know I want more from him, but it’s too soonme. I’ve been wrapped up in the wrong pe

for too long, and that doesn’t seem

something I’d do, but I did do it. And as fa

I’ve come, I’m still reeling a bit from the situa“Well…” he says, “I’m not after more

friendship. Yet .”

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I chuckle and he gives me another frie

squeeze, kissing my temple and sending rip

through my body.

We take the food and opt to walk abo

mile up the trail that circles the lake. We sit a

top of the hill; a perfect spot where we canalmost everything, but no one can see us.

Liam pulls out two burgers, and neither o

says anything. We eat in silence. It’s the wawkward kind at first, but it turns comfortabl

“Care to share?” he finally asks.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I

as I pull on a few blades of grass betweenMy conversation with the girls and how scar

am, how I made it to twenty-one without ha

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a napkin before adjusting to see me better.

seems a bit too…nerdy, for someone like you

“I used to drink in high school, and it n

ended well. Jeff was safe. Made me feel Made it okay that I’m so careful with the w

live my life now.”

“Makes sense.”

I nod. “It’s that our families are so connec

and I know I can be stubborn, and opinion

and—”

“Says the girl wearing the Girls Rule T-shHe smiles. “But I like that about you. Any

should. It’s part of who you are.”

I glance down and smile because it’s sort

profound, yet simple statement. “My par

expect a lot, but they’re not bad people.

never had anything horribly traumatic happe

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me, but God I can’t let go. Not even wh

want to. I don’t get it. It’s like life is right h

ight here. I’m supposed to be in it, and

not. I’m watching and going through the moand that’s bullcrap, and I don’t know why

letting that happen or why I’m watching ins

of taking control and doing something.”

His breath hits my face, making my heart and my stomach squeeze.

Instead of answering, his lips press into min

My body quakes. I don’t know him. He issafe. This is a bad idea. His lips part slightly

without thinking, I part mine too, letting out a

moan at how incredible he feels.

Just as his tongue slides in my mouth I away. I can’t do this. I scoot from him and

my head in my hands, trying to breathe.

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What just happened? Why did I stop it?

He shifts away from me. “Sorry, Jody. Go

didn’t mean…”

But what the hell’s wrong with me? I

Kay-Kay to just go for it, and now I can’t?

has a lot more to lose than I do. She’s to

gone over Alex and the odds of that working

are… not good. She’s still moving forw

ushing   forward. Hard. Or that’s the wa

seems.

“I know you want us to be friends. I wanto be friends. You just… You have so much

say, and I love what you have to say…”

reaches out a hand, which I scoot away from

What about Sam— Take the summer .wild. Just because you like someone doe

mean you need to be picking out china. E

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ourself.

But as I look at Liam who should be

someone so different than me, and think a

Jeff and my parents and school and Irelandall the millions of things that hang in the

between us, and I can’t stay.

“I’m so sorry.” I stand up and leave him a

on the edge of the lake.

Chapter Twenty

“You left   him out there?” Kay-Kay sm

the back of my head.

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“Ow.” I rub my head, which is still sw

from my morning run. I may have overdone

distance a bit today in an attempt to forget a

last night.It didn’t work.

“Are you that worried about getting

attached that you can’t just enjoy his body?”

My cheeks flame and I stare at the groun

can’t be like that. Like you and Sam. I just c

We’ve had this conversation before.”

“Well, I can’t either I guess because I’m awith Alex right now.” She slumps, but she’s

beaming.

I’ve been so wrapped up in myself th

haven’t been paying much attention to Kay-

or Sam. “What’s up?”

“I think you can guess.” She even tries to

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in her smile, which is so weird because she’s

“A big deal then, huh?”

“A big deal,” she agrees.

“Well, all I do is big deals, and I’m not sur

can do the ‘big deal’ thing with someone

doesn’t live in this country and should be dati

supermodel.”Kay-Kay snorts. “You say that only bec

you have zero clue how gorgeous you are.”

My mouth hangs open.

“I’m off to set up targets. You should com

today. See if those swimmer’s arms can pu

bow.” She walks backwards a few steps to w

at me and jogs off.“Maybe I will,” I call back.

Anything to make sure I’m busy enough to

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sink into my thoughts.

I catch sight of the boys hiking in a line ontrail that skims the outer edge of the camp. T

do this hike once a year, sending the girls in

ridiculous uproar of girl squealing. Fortun

this year, they’re up earlier, and we won’t hto deal with the backlash of the boys being

inside the girls’ camp.

Jeff’s eyes catch mine—he’s pulling up theI don’t have it in me to deal with Jeff today

“Jody!” He jogs toward me, breaking their

and all I can think is that my name doesn’t so

nearly as amazing coming from him as from L

“Looks like you’re busy, Jeff.” I point to

boys continuing to move through the trees.

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“Trust me.” He smirks. “I can catch up.”

“What do you want?”

“I’ve been calling and calling.” He’s ou

breath, and his forehead is beaded from swe

the heat.

“And I’ve been not wanting to talk to you

“Yeah. I get that.”“What do you want, Jeff? Because I’m al

of patience here.”

“I didn’t know I hurt you. I didn’t want

really thought you didn’t need me, and that—

“Wait. Wait. Wait.” I hold my hand

between us. “You’re right. I don’t need yo

didn’t need you. That’s not what being someone is about.”

He tries to hold in his sigh. This is somet

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I’ve seen from him a few times. More than a

Every time I said something he didn’t agree

but didn’t want to argue over. “Do you think

can get together and just talk?”“I think I’m pretty talked out.”

He glances over his shoulder at the grou

boys who is almost out of sight. “Will you at

answer my texts?”

“Maybe.” I turn to get breakfast before

masses of girls stumble out of bed.

I can hear Jeff start to say something behind me, but it’s lost on me.

Probably for the best.

Kay-Kay’s a brilliant teacher. Even the wim

girls are into it. It helps, I’m sure, that the m

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rave  came out not long ago—not to men

unger Games.

“You can’t have some boy choosing y

destiny,” she yells at them with a smile. “If yoput in the position where a group of lose

fighting to be able to marry you, you want t

able to get in the middle of it and hit the b

eye!”

And then she stumbles over her words w

Alex walks by and gives her a wink. She’s r

Whatever they have must be big. She never lher cool.

I pull back the bow, and let it fly. I’m now

near the bull’s eye, but I did hit the target, and

me, that’s a win.Sam walks by, but she’s so buried in

phone that I don’t know if she sees anything

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I know her decision to come here was

minute, and it makes me wonder if she’s

because she wants to be here, or if it wa

escape.

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Chapter Twenty-one

I’m loving the freedom I have this y

There’s a lot more paperwork in keeping t

of the girls and the counselors, but having n

all my nights off is definitely worth it.It’s time to face Liam again, so it’s good th

have the time, but also bad for the same re

no excuses to not talk.

My stomach’s in knots the whole way toLittle Minnow, but I called ahead this tim

make sure he was off-shift.

Again I wish I could come back next sumI think about how lucky Alex is in teaching sc

all winter, allowing him to be here every y

Though, it sounds like he won’t make it b

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next year. My heart leaps because that’ll m

his job will be open. I want it bad.

The Little Minnow is packed, like always

I’m after Liam.

Bill has two cabins he uses for family to vi

the winter and for his bartenders in the sum

Liam’s supposed to be in the second.

I run all the details of him through my h

wanting to distract myself from how horribly

things. Or how ridiculously juvenile I was.

There are three books on his small porch to the large camp chair, and it takes everythin

me not to peek as I knock on the door.

I clutch my hands behind my back, wond

what I hope to accomplish here. Apologize?

friends? Try for another kiss? My heart sprin

that thought.

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 No Liam.

I knock again and lean sideways. The boo

top is Plato’s Republic . Is he smart, or just

philosophy? Or is it on top to be pretentious?

Maybe I’d know if I could see the other tw

I scoot the first book over just enough to s

Stephen King, and I smile. Better.“Jody.” His voice comes from behind me.

I spin around nearly knocking his books ov

“Snooping?” He’s smiling, but maybe tryin

hold it in. It presses his lips and dimples in a v

very nice way.

“I…” I’ve lost all coherent thought.

And then I slump a little because I’m hereI have no words for him. I don’t know wh

say, how to start, why I came.

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“I’m glad you’re here.”

“Yeah…I…”

“Come inside.”

I’m not sure I should be inside with him

how my body reacts, but he steps through

door, leaving it open for me and my need t

here, and my curiosity at where he lives over. I find myself closing the door behind

and stopping to take in the small room.

There’s a small fireplace in one corner. A l

bed under a window, a small kitchenette ancouple of chairs. Simple. There are four

stacks of books near the bed. Two laundry b

One has folded clothes, the other doesn’t.

perfect, but not messy.

He glances to where I’m staring.

“I don’t know many people here. And de

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how I seem to be with you, I’m not goo

making new friends. And I like to read.”

pause is long. “And there are no bookshelves

“Oh. Look, I—”

But he starts to say something at the s

time, and now we’re both in awkward sil

again.

“Please come in. You don’t need to stand

the door.” He sits on his bed, and I slowly m

into the room to take a chair, but he pats the

and we end up facing each other. Legs crosSadly, I can’t relax into it.

We stare at one another for a moment, but

still not sure what to say. I’m here, and I ha

gotten any further than that.

“Okay.” He pushes out a breath. “I’m go

start, because you seem to be out of w

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it’s all the same things I want to know about

How he grew up. His family. Why he’s here.

“I think the physical   stuff is all here. I d

remember reacting to a woman like I do to y

I blush at the way he’s looking at me and

calling me a woman. I still think of myself

girl.

“So I think that  part of us, if we get to b

“us” is here and will be easy.” He reaches

and runs his fingers down my arms, lighting

body on fire.I close my eyes and pray that I don’

anything stupid or embarrassing. I manag

nod. “Yes.” My voice cracks. “That’s all her

“So now maybe you and I get to decide i

match up here.” He touches his forehead

then mine. “And that’s the part I screwed

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because I knew how good it would feel to

you, and you were talking and so worried an

full of things to talk about, and I didn’t thin

ust had to know what you would taste like.”“Like burgers, right?” I try to tease, but r

am trying to swallow so I can breathe.

“Like you. And I want to know you m

etter .”

“But you live in Ireland,” I blurt out. Bec

that’s something that’s been comple

unspoken between us.“Geography.” He shrugs.

How can he be talking about starting s

kind of relationship and just ignore that we li

half a world away? “Yeah. Well. Kis

someone across an ocean doesn’t really work

me.”

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“So. You want to stop this before we e

give it a chance?”

“I can’t believe you put it all out there

this.” I shake my head.

“It’s my weird thing. I’ve got to h

everything in the open,” he says. “And,

talking doesn’t work either, does it?”

He’s right. Maybe the whole Jeff thing c

out of nowhere because we had our routine,

it’s just what we did. We didn’t take the tim

keep getting to know each other… I don’t kn“No. That doesn’t work either.” I s

toward him until our knees touch, and slide

hands down over his biceps, the crook of

arm, down his forearms until my fingers rest inhands, and he clasps his fingers with mine.

There are parts of me that never felt clos

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someone than I do right now. I decide I’m g

to take what I want. Or at least ask for it. I

forward until my lips press against his. He k

me back immediately and then pulls slightly awust enough so that our foreheads are touchin

“Are you sure?” he asks. “I want to know

the things about you still.”

“I know. I get that. But right now, I want

other part.”

“The physical part?” His voice coils around

lower belly and suddenly I’m burning hot.I answer him with a kiss. Suddenly I feel

an amateur kisser because he doesn’t fall into

rhythm that Jeff did where it felt like he was tr

to swallow my face. Liam’s taking his tTasting me. Sliding his fingers across

collarbone, behind my ear, through my hair,

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then trailing his lips down the same path. And

lip ring feels cool and strange and not a

awkward. I trail my tongue around it, pullin

moan from him.I’m floating in the rush of being this clos

him, and the moment I give his shoulders a

we’re lying on his bed. My fingers finally

through the hair I’ve admired, and his wrelaxes on top of me.

The warmth of his hands slides up the bac

my shirt, and I immediately stiffen. Too mToo close. Should it be?

“Sorry,” he whispers as he kisses my jaw l

“I just…” And no matter how har

concentrate to keep my cheeks from turningI can feel the heat creep up my neck. “

never… I mean. I…”

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He pulls away far enough so that I can se

eyes, but we’re still close enough that his w

breath hits my face.

“Never mind. I’m fine.” I look down.

He brushes the hair off my face. “Wait.”

Too intense. I can’t get away, so I close

eyes trying to avoid and ignore the scarlet thspread over my cheeks.

“Have you never had sex?”

“Is there another way you can phrase

question?” I pick at the design on his T-swhich suddenly needs my full attention.

“No.”

“No.”His lips meet mine. “I’m both amazed

baffled by you again.”

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“I know. I feel like the last person on

planet.”

“Is it a marriage thing, or…”

“It’s a Jody-being-picky thing.”

“Okay. I’m processing because it’s bee

while since I’ve been with someone…like y

he says carefully as he hovers above propped up on his elbows. “I don’t…”

“How about we pretend I didn’t

anything?”

“Not happening, but nice try.” He pullsclose as he rolls onto his back, and my head

perfectly on his chest, which has a lot more r

for resting than a certain other person I was

last. His hand rests comfortably on my waist

above my hipbone, and after only a few sec

being next to him like this, it almost feels like

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lie like this every day. Only the newness

makes me want to never leave.

“What do you want to do?” he asks a

plays with the ends of my hair. “With your limean.”

That was a jump. But maybe he’s proces

and helping me have a way out of a r

awkward conversation.

“I’m going for business right now becaus

my dad, and because it’s so versatile, bu

means I won’t be able to come back to caand I love it here.” Mostly I’m confused

conflicted, which seems to be a reoccu

theme in my life.

“But what will you do with your degrebusiness?”

“I don’t know.”

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“Why would you be in college if you we

passionate about it?” He shifts in bed to loo

me, but I don’t move.

“You obviously don’t have my parents.”

He’s quiet for a moment. “But you’re no

kind of girl who would just do something to m

someone else happy. Not that I’ve seen. So w

do you really want to do?”

“If there was camp all year long, I’d r

want to do that.” I chuckle and the s

movement against him makes me rememberI’m here. Close. With someone new. An

doesn’t feel as scary as I thought it would.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“So, what you’re saying is that you’re goin

end up teaching at a boarding school?”

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chuckles.

“No. But I have thought about teaching. A

the head security guy, does it. And then he

to come back here every year. I wouldn’t ecare if it was here, but I do love being at cam

summer.” Love it to the point that a sum

without it feels…empty, and I’m not sure ho

change that. I keep waiting for that need there to go away with age, and it still hasn’t.

“I’d love to teach philosophy.” His fin

stroke my arm as I continue to lie on his chestakes a lot of school, though. I was working

tattoo parlor because I’ve always liked to d

and it seemed fun. The guys there are great

the tips are good. So I was going to school.”His words stop so suddenly that part of

knows there’s more to the story that he ma

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didn’t intend on telling me. “What brought

here?” I ask quietly.

He sighs. And then the pause is so long

I’m sure I’ve overstepped somehow. “My siJenny, got in with this bad guy. I hated him f

the beginning, but she wasn’t going to

deterred by me or my parents. She was st

home then.

“After a few months Jenny came to me

night to tell me all about him. All the things

done from drugs to petty thieving, to pretty mthieving, and he’d just talked with someone

about getting involved in some kind of

stealing ring—she’d accidentally walked in

them.“She was scared and I begged her to l

home and stay with me for a while. Once

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disappeared from her house and moved in

me, I saw some of the guys he hung with aro

the place where I worked, and I was scared

her.”My whole body is tense, waiting for him

continue.

“I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t keep her

me all the time. She called me to say she

going to get a few things from the store. I wa

to tell her not to. To stay home or let me do i

her, but I didn’t. She was found in a dumpsweek later.”

It’s so horrific that I’m stunned speechless

“I wanted to kill them. All of them. I found

of the guys before the authorities found her, abeat him near to death, trying to figure out w

they did with Jenny. I had to get out of there.

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would have killed each other. And Jenny. G

She was too young to die.”

I wrap my arm more tightly around his

aching for him.

He pulls in a few deep breaths. “That

almost a year ago now, and I can’t imagine

feeling like a failure. Bill’s been nice enough t

me stay here, even though he couldn’t keep

busy at first because really, I got here just

the summer season last year.”

“I’m just… I’m so—”“Sorry,” he finishes for me. “We’re all so

There’s more story to tell, but we can save i

another time.”

I’m lying next to him. Liam. And just like

became a stranger, Liam’s becoming fam

For the first time I see past all the things that

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attracted me, and he’s just Liam. This feels li

really, really good place to be.

Chapter Twenty-two

For the next week or so, Liam and I

together for all of my spare time. We talk awhat I’d teach if I became a teacher (Eng

and how we needs to go for the big degre

philosophy to teach on a campus the way

wants.I tell him about my very structured par

and being an only child. We don’t talk a

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Jenny, and I don’t talk about Jeff. But w

broken down the barriers that keep people

knowing each other, and that, to me, feels li

whole new world.

 Now, Liam’s sitting against his headbo

and I’m straddling his lap, feeling very strongin control, and realizing that I might be able t

all the way. Maybe.

He kisses me with the same intensity as hetwo weeks ago when we were just ge

started. When his hands slide up the back o

shirt, I pull it over my head, feeling brave.

His thumbs trace underneath my bra, andfingers start to slowly touch the freckles on

stomach and shoulders. I should feel so expo

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sitting on him like this, but I don’t. Not really.

“If you’re going to try and find all my frec

we’ll be here all day.” I rest my hands over h

“That’s okay.” He smirks. “I’ve got a p

good view.”

I rest my hands on his face. “Stop. You

not real.” People don’t say things like that,unless they’re being completely cheesy.

“When I’m with someone I want to

completely present. Every moment has

potential to be something amazing. Why wyou let that slip by?”

“Are you really shooting for perfect here

trace his forehead and eyebrows. Run my fin

across his cheekbones and few days wort

stubble. Circle the place where his lip ring

He’s taken it out to keep it from getting in

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way of our kisses. I miss it, but he certainly

more flexibility without it.

“Life experience.” He takes a hand and k

my fingers. “I don’t want to miss anything.”

His words hit me hard. This is how I wan

be. How I want to live my life. I wonder if the

a way to soak him up and try to understand

he thinks this way so I can do it, too.

“I think I want you.” I’m breathless from

the kissing and all the thinking, and all

incredible things he thinks and feels. And I’m feeling all brave because I’m not weari

shirt and he’s looking and touching, and I’m

minding.

“You think so, huh?”

“I think so.” I lean forward, part my lips

kiss him again.

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He chuckles and backs away. “We’re

doing that until you need it. Until you feel

your body will crumple or explode or somet

if we don’t. Then we’ll go there. But not befodon’t want to screw this up.”

I tug on the bottom of his T-shirt and he s

it off immediately.

“This is enough.” His arms come around

pressing our skin together and I run my hand

and down his back and trace the designs on

shoulders and arms as we continue to kiss.I’m pretty sure tonight won’t be one of t

nights when we have a lot to say.

“You’re sure this is enough?”

He smiles a half-mischievous smile as he f

me on my back and hovers over the top of

“I’m gathering all the parts of you. Slowly. E

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the physical part. For now, this is defin

enough.”

Sam and Kay-Kay both disperse as soo

we hit the bar. I know right where I’m hea

Liam’s smile is wide as I lean against the b

wall and wait for him to have a moment.

He makes one by holding up a “one-seco

finger, jogging around the end of the counter

pulling me into him.“Hi.” My whole body melts and my ch

already hurt from smiling.

“Hi.” He leans in and kisses me. Once s

and once I feel between my toes and in ogood places, too.

When he pulls back I’m breathless

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stumble once as he walks away.

“Watch yourself,” he teases as he backs u

gotta work, but if you’re here when I tak

break, maybe I could get to know you betHe winks.

Instead of being afraid, I feel like he kn

enough about me to enjoy the teasing. That,

he’s careful with me when we’re alone—alw

pausing the moment I’m uncomfortable.

When I turn around Kay-Kay gives m

thumbs up as she wags her brows and poinLiam—wonder if she could be more obv

Sam’s nowhere to be seen. And then Jeff’s

are on me.

Oh. I feel this weird sort of swooshing thrmy body. Guilt, I guess, but there’s really

reason for me to feel guilty.

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Kay-Kay pulls me into her from the

“You must let that man deflower you so I

have details.”

“Aah!” I shove her away. “Can we pleasetalk about this anymore?”

She shrugs with her “Miss Innocent”

(which is crap) before turning back to the tab

first-year counselors. She’s giving them ad

I’m sure, which I’m also certain is cringe-wor

“Hey.” Jeff’s voice startles me.

I spin to face him. “What?”“Can we talk?”

“What. Now? I haven’t had my drink

Mostly I’m annoyed with him and want tohow he’ll react to me.

“Three minutes.”

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“Wait.” He grabs my arm but I shrug him o

half-turn to listen.

“I’m an ass. Okay? I did ask my mom fo

ring. It was before that weekend when we wgoing to use my parents’ condo, and w

maybe…”

I hold my hand up between us. “I remem

the plans.” For my deflowering .

embarrassing now.

“And then I got the flu.”

“And then things got weird.” They really dust didn’t see it. We attend different schools

I got busy.

“Marriage suddenly felt huge. Like a moun

Like everything. And all I could think was

since we got together so soon out of high sch

I never got to do the young, single guy thing.”

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“And now you can.” I pat his arm. “Good

you.”

“No.” He sighs and takes my hand, whi

immediately pull away. “I’m about to soundan asshole here, but I want to come clean so

can start over.”

My jaw drops because I can’t think of a si

reason why on earth I’d want any such thing.

“I really thought we could have some free

this summer, and then get serious again in

fall.” He cringes a little, which he should.“You’re right. You sound like an assh

Seriously. Save the ring for someone

because whether or not I was serious with L

after being stuck in the camp next to yourswatching you flirt with other girls, ther

absolutely no way I’d ever marry someone

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you.” I walk back to the door, flustered

angry and wanting Liam and wanting to leave

“Hey.” Kay-Kay rests her arm around m

got a call from Alex. Can we head back? Sagot a ride.”

“Give me a sec.” I sigh, still shaking in ang

I step up to the bar and Liam’s looking atwith a questioning face. “I’ve got to run.”

“Jeff?”

“Asshole.” I nod. “But Kay-Kay needs a

back.

“Maybe then I could swing your way?”

I smile before I mean to and the anger star

slip away. “I would love that.”He winks. “I’ll be there the moment I get o

“So will I.” In a big bundle of Jody-nerves

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Chapter Twenty-three

“Jeff’s mother is devastated.” Mom sighs

the phone. If I didn’t have Liam’s visit to

forward, I’m not sure if I could deal with her.

“Not my problem, Mom.”“What’s gotten into you?” Mom snaps.

“I’m busy here. This is a consuming job.”

“An underpaid job. That’s for sure,” mutters.

“Look. If you’re just going to continue to

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me all the ways you think I’m messing up my

I’m done.” I sigh and slump onto the b

outside the bathroom. It’s really not even w

getting angry over.“Sorry, hon. Will you make it home be

school starts?”

I start to tell her I’m not sure what’ll hap

for school because I’m second-gue

everything. “Sure.”

And then a text from Liam comes in,

Mom and I finish in a hurry. I’m by the lake. Come prepared to swim

I’m shaking as I tear through my swims

othing. Feeling reckless, I head to Kay-K

cabin, but she isn’t there. Fortunately, her tru

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open and right by the door. Her campers d

even wake when I sneak in with my flashlight

start digging through her things.

I find her black two-piece wadded nearbottom. I haven’t worn something like this

probably never.

Before I have time to panic, I race to

bathroom, rip off my clothes, tie on the bikini

grab a towel.

Tiptoeing through camp isn’t easy and a

stray giggles come from more cabins than Irene’s house is on the way to the lake and I

the long way to avoid it, which means I have

long to think about what I’m doing. Who

meeting.I see his bare back as soon as I hit the d

and suck in a breath to push away some o

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nerves.

“Jody.” He turns with a smile and then fre

as he watches me.

“Hey.” I drop my towel next to him,

haven’t found the guts to sit down. Not yet.

with him wearing only shorts, and me

something that feels scandalously tiny.

“So.” He stands and looks down on

“Going for a swim seemed like a perfect

until I got here, and realized I’d never swum

lake, and that it was a bit colder thaexpected.”

Instead of staring at his abs and running

fingers across his chest, which would sta

round of something I’m not sure I’m ready fgo for teasing.

“You’re doing it all wrong.” I shake my he

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“How’s that?” He smirks.

“You’re testing the water with your

ever a good idea. You have to run and ju

and then it’s not so bad.”

“Run and jump.” He’s stoic. Process

maybe.

“Like a kid.”“Okay, then.” He takes my hand. “Run

ump. Will ye jump with me, Jody?” he te

“So I don’t get scared?”

“Only if you can keep up.” I giggle, whicridiculous, but I’m too nervous to do anyt

else.

And I realize how sort of ideal this is becaucan stand here and see his body and hav

make my insides melt all over each other, b

can tease him, too.

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“You are such a mix of strong and uncert

he says.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you order little kid drinks wit

even caring, and your T-shirts and how st

you are physically and you’re wicked smart,

then, with people, it’s like you forget

incredible you are.”

“Oh.” I stare at the dock.

“You’re just as strong and amazing here. W

me. As you are when you’re running.” touches my cheek with our hands. “I promise

We walk toward the shore, and I turn

around at about midpoint, needing a distractio

“Far enough back?” He chuckles.

“Barely, but it’ll do.” I’m still reeling from

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thought that he thinks I’m strong.

He leans toward me, the muskiness of

mixed with the beer and smoke of the L

Minnow fill my nose. “I don’t think your swimis at all appropriate, and I’m loving every inc

your skin that it’s leaving uncovered.”

My cheeks start to heat up so I decide no

when we run. “Now!”

He doesn’t let me have my hand back

we’re airborne off the end of the dock.

He comes up sputtering. “You’re a liar, JoMy balls are shrinking it’s so cold!”

“Shhh!” I splash him, but his hands find

under the water, pulling us together.

“You’ll keep me warm then?” he whisp

Water slides from his hair down his face,

instead of wimping out I kiss him, sucking

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cold drops from his lips.

He lifts me easily in the water, and I wrap

legs around his waist as he tightens his grip on

back.

Turns out we both only needed one short

in, and now we’re running, freezing, through

dark and headed for the showers.

“Am I allowed to be in here with you?

teases as he presses against my back, and I on the light.

“No.” I turn and pull him closer as I bac

into a stall and turn on the hot water.

He closes his eyes and stands underneath

spray, letting the water fall down over his b

Instead of thinking, I pull a string and drop

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top on the shower floor.

His gaze finds me immediately and we’

tangled mess of arms, legs, tongues, bo

barely able to stand under the pelting water.gasping for air, every bit of desire I’ve felt aro

him is amplified by a million as we f

undressing and begin to explore.

My hands wander everywhere. All the

places he’s soft, and the many places he’s h

and I lean against him and just feel. Take him

The hot water. My skin. His skin.“Do you remember how you said that I’ll

like I’ll crumple if I can’t, and that’s when

would?” I can’t catch a real breath.

“I remember.” His lips trail down my neck

“I’m crumpling.” I want you.

“No. I can’t, Jody.” He stops kissing to

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at me. “Too soon. You’ll hate me later.”

“Please.” I slide my hands to his hips and

him against me.

He groans. “I don’t have anything. I m

This is too fast. I didn’t come prepared.”

“Oh.” I let my hands slide back up his s

amazed at how okay it all feels because wnaked . Together.

“But I still don’t want to go home just y

that’s okay.” A corner of his mouth pulls up

could stay and make sure you get properly doff.”

“Okay.” Only way more than okay. Per

Good. And I’m maybe the slightest

disappointed, but I shouldn’t be because

known him for weeks, not years. And more

that, there’s a million kinds of comfort in know

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he didn’t even come prepared. Because

enough.

Liam is definitely worth getting to know be

Chapter Twenty-four 

The fifteen miles to see him feels like nothLike I could run forever. Having rewards a

end of a long distance run is a really good wa

do it. About three miles in, I hit my stride

relax into the rhythm. At mile twelve I thinkgoing to die, but I know there are only a

more to go. When I can see the Little Minno

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slow to a walk so I can actually breathe wh

get there.

I rest my hands on my head to stretch

lungs when Bill steps out and smiles. “Hey thgirl!”

“Hey!” I wave.

“I don’t think Liam was expecting you He’s not back from shopping. He’s stocking

for me.”

“That’s fine.” I pant. “Gives me a chanc

catch my breath and start really stinking upplace.”

He grins. “Come on in, and I’ll get you s

water.”

I step inside his small home. It’s definite

bachelor pad. Random papers clutter the cou

and table, the furniture is worn, but the TV on

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wall is enormous and new.

A small picture of a girl rests on top of a

on his table and I cock my head to look be

She looks so much like me it’s eerie.

“Who’s this?”

“That was Liam’s girl. The one who was k

last year.”My heart pounds in a whole new rhythm.

that’s a mix of disbelief and fear rather than

run.

“Oh. I somehow got the impression it wasister.” I shake my head, trying to ignore

mess that’s happening inside me.

“Maybe you got that impression becauwas her brother who was involved in all sor

nasty business. She walked in on him and a

of his up-to-no-good friends and

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disappeared.” He rips open a bag of chips

grabs a small handful. “They found her a

days later, but she’d been dead for days. L

still struggles with it.”“Yeah…” My fingers shake as I pick up

girl’s picture. There are definite differences.

face is more angular, and she’s wearing mak

making her like me, but much prettier.

“Jenny’s parents sent that stuff to him a co

days ago.” Bill hands me a glass of water,

I’m afraid to drink it because my stomachknots.

I set the water on the table and turn tow

the door, picture in hand. “I’ll wait outside.”

“Suit yourself.” Bill pops open a beer flops into a chair at the table.

I’m stunned. Shocked. Used .

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God. I’m such an idiot. It has nothing to

with me. Nothing. Tears burn my eyes and

with the sweat, making my face a salty mess

course. Jeff didn’t want me. Not really. ALiam only wanted me because of her.

It’s as if a weight’s been strapped to my ch

It hangs on my back and my shoulders

makes me stumble down the stairs.

“Watch yourself.” Liam smirks as he grabs

arm to steady me.

Anger rips through me as I shove humiliation away.

“Your sister?” I hold the picture between u

“Fuck,” he whispers. “It was the truth I c

give you then, Jo.”

“It wasn’t the truth at all!” I toss the pic

step around him and start up the road. My

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are too shaky to run.

“I know what you’re thinking.” He jog

keep up.

“I’m a stupid ass for thinking you’d like m

knew it from the beginning, and now I get it.

why you took an interest in me. It had nothin

do with me!”

“Please let me give you a ride.” He reache

my arm, but I jerk it away. “Let me explain.”

“No! You don’t  want to talk to me right n

Liam.” I spin to face him, fury filling every pamy body to replace the humiliation was

through me. “Leave me the hell alone! I alr

had my heart broken once this summer. I r

didn’t need for it to happen again!”

I start to run this time, jogging first and

faster.

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“Jody!” He yells. “Jody, please!”

I don’t stop. Don’t slow. I’m not sure how

I’ll make it, but I have to get away.

Alex picks me up a few miles later.

incredibly lucky he was in town. We rid

silence. He glances at me a few times, but I d

offer any information and he doesn’t

anything.

“Thanks for the ride,” I mumble as he pula stop in the parking lot.

“No problem.” He pauses outside his

door, and opens his mouth like he’s going to

something else.

“Yes?” I ask.

“Will you be back next year?”

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“I don’t know. I want to be, but I’ll

graduating if I decide to graduate, and then w

and…” And all the things I’m not sure about.

“I’m asking because I won’t be here, Kay-Kay might not either. I’d recommend

for my spot if you want it. They’ll take my

They already love you.”

“I really should be a teacher like you.” A

wonder what’s up with Kay-Kay? Better

thinking about my mess.

He grins. “You’d be fabulous, Jody. If what you want to do.”

“It might be.” But I might need a little m

time to figure it out. Or a lot. I apparently c

make it through a summer without turning myinto a disaster.

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Chapter Twenty-five

I hate that Liam’s all I can think about. I that there’s no explanation he can give me th

make me feel okay with how he lied, and

irlfriend . What a ridiculous cliché thing for

to be a part of. Replacing the old girlfriend someone who looks just like her.

I haven’t known him long enough for th

tear at me the way it is. I wish so hard I d

look like her. I want him to want me.

I pick up my phone. “Mom.” For once s

not the last person I want to talk to.

“I haven’t heard from you, and I saw that

hadn’t registered for classes yet.”

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“It’s because I’m thinking of taking a yea

and changing my major.” Best to get it all

now. Might as well piss off the world. And it’

like her to log in to my student account to chup on me.

“What?” she sputters. “This is the first

heard of this.”

“Because you don’t listen when I talk to

Mom.”

Silence.

“Was there a purpose for your call?” I ask“With only a few days left in your camp, w

thought that us and Jeff’s parents and you

should get together for something infor

Maybe test the water for you both.”

My hand shakes I’m squeezing my phon

hard. “Mom. He’s a man who dumped me a

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beginning of the summer, knowing he was g

to try to get me back at the end of the summ

he could sleep around. Is that who you want

daughter to marry?”There’s a choking sound on her end of

line. I’m not sure if she’s angry or shocked or

believing me.

“Look, Mom. I’m not mad at you.” Mo

“I’m just… I think I need to take some time

me. And I also think that I don’t know wh

want to do and that seems like a kind of crthing to decide before I finish a degree.”

“Well.” She sighs. “Whatever you thin

best.”

Only I’m pretty sure she doesn’t mean itI’ll take it anyway. “Thanks, Mom.”

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When I step outside there’s a cold Sh

temple on my small porch next to an envelo

quickly scan the trees for any sign of Liamsee nothing.

I pick up the drink and figure it’s as goo

way as any to start my day. I drink it down

stare at the letter.

The horn sounds as the sign to start one o

last days of camp. I stuff the envelope in

pocket to wait until I can actually concentrateWe do canoe races and I join Kay-Ka

archery. She seems off again, which to me m

that all’s not well with her and Alex. I hope

gets some sort of resolution there.

“What’s going on with you?” Sam nudges

hip with hers and I lean into her.

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“A mess. A big freaking mess.”

“You too, huh?”

“You okay?” I ask suddenly worried.

“In some ways.” She nods a bit, crypti

ever and wanders off toward the kitchen.

At this point I want the summer to be over

can be somewhere else. But if I’m not goingo back to school, I’ll end up at home. May

should  register for classes.

The bell rings for lunch and instead of pic

up food, I walk to the end of the dock Liam’s note clutched in my hand.

 Jody – 

 I can’t know how you feel right now, b

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know you hurt, and I know it’s because of

and that’s killing me. My attraction to yo

someone who looks like her ended as soo

ou ordered that drink. Because in that instant you became Jody instead of some

who looked like Jenny.

 I would love to be able to tell you that

look nothing alike. Sometimes I wish didn’t. But you do. It doesn’t matter. No

me. You know how when you start to k

someone. Really know them. They don’t l

like the person you first laid eyes on. The

not the stranger anymore. They becom

soul, a personality, an entity outside of

they talk or what they look like beca

they’re familiar. They’ve become a par

ou.

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 I know I should have told you the w

truth the other night, but you have to k

how completely responsible I feel for

death. She should have never left the flshould have made sure.

 I wanted you to know that part of me, b

wasn’t ready to reveal the whole thing

should have told you all or told you nothot lied. I’m so sorry.

 I’m still trying to decide whether I wan

stay here or to go home for a while. I henough cash saved up for a bit o

backpacking trip around Europe, so I m

try that, too. I know I’m about to sound…

un-tough, but I miss you like crazy. AlreaMaybe I’m hoping you’ll join me for som

my adventure this year. My chest aches. T

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is my honesty, and what I need to tell you.

You are someone I could fall for. Th

want to fall for. That I am falling for. I do

want that to be over.

 Liam

I love and hate that he knows everythi

needed to hear. I’m terrified to forgive. Wh

I’m wrong? What if he doesn’t know his

heart? What if I end up in another Jeff situwhere it appears one way, but is actu

another?

I stand and walk under the large pavilion f

with teenage girls. They’re starting to realizecamp won’t last forever and that they’re he

home soon. They have so much ahead of th

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So much to learn. And I could be a part of th

But not now. Not yet. I don’t know m

well enough to think I could teach anyone

But a year off is exactly what I need. I just nto figure out where to spend it. And if I have

strength to talk to Liam before I go.

Chapter Twenty-six

“So, it’s official, huh?” Kay-Kay asks. “Yo

be in Alex’s job next year?”“Yep.” I nod. “And I’m taking the year

school. I think my mom is about to hav

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aneurism, but I’m okay with this.”

“And you very sadly were not deflowere

the Irish guy.” Sam sighs.

I close my eyes. “It’s such a mess.”

“Well, I’m in a mess, too.” Kay-Kay g

“But it’s a really good one to be in.”

“Yeah. Costa Rica with your man fosummer?” Sam shoves her. “Sounds pretty

to me.”

It should sound ideal to all of us.

I sigh. “I still keep seeing this other girl’s f

and I can’t get over it.”

“But it sounds like he’s  over it.” Kay-K

voice is soft.“I just don’t know how I feel about the w

thing. If I can trust him.”

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“Do you know how you’ll feel not talkin

him again? Not knowing about him? Wher

ends up… What you two could have had. Th

what pushed me forward,” Kay-Kay says.My gut seizes up. “I don’t want to think a

that. I really… I want him. But I want

without all the complication.”

Sam laughs. Then laughs harder. “Every

comes with a clusterfuck, Jo. Everyone. But

everyone comes in a package that gets you,

is fucking perfect in every way but the one he explained away perfectly. Am I right in thi

My heart starts speeding. “Yes.”

“I think we need to get you an Irishm

Kay-Kay stands up, grabs my hand and pullsto my feet.

“I’m a mess.” I look down.

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“He’s seen you worse.” Sam rolls her e

“What we need is the perfect T-shirt.”

“I’ve got it!” Kay-Kay grins as she tugs on

white tee. “We’ll make one. Where’s sharpie?”

I’m an insane mix of happiness, excitem

anticipation and dread. What if he’s given u

me? What if he’s gone home?

What if… What if a million other thingsmight go wrong?

But the worst what-if would be: what if he

I could have been something great and I let it

away? I stomp on the gas, wishing my car wa gutless, earth-friendly machine.

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Liam steps out of his cabin and freezes w

he sees me. His eyes are wary and rimmed

dark circles.

“I…” I cough to find my voice, but

stronger than this. “I had to see you before I l

“Jody. I’ve missed you.”I take a few steps toward him, putting us

a few feet apart. Close enough that I could r

out and touch him.

He glances down at my scribbled on T-sand nerves start all over again. It suddenly

uvenile and way too forward.

“I think you might be someone I could fa

love with, “ he reads.

“I was hoping you’d say that.” I try to smi

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show I’m joking, but also that I’m not jokin

all.

I step closer and rest my hands on his c

His heart’s beating as hard as mine. He lodown, and instead of staring down or at

chest, I look in his eyes. “I’m taking the yea

school. I want to figure out all the ways

strong, and…” I swallow twice before findingvoice again. “And I’d really like to do som

that with you.”

He rests his hands on my waist. “I think I nto re-phrase what your T-shirt says.”

“Oh.” Uncertainty creeps in until his h

tighten around my lower back, pulling

together.“I think you might be someone I didn’t in

to fall for, but already have.”

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“That’s better.”

“Definitely better,” he whispers as his

brush against mine. “Does this mean you’

oining me this year?”

“For some of whatever you’re doing, or a

it, or whatever.” I take a small pinch of his sh

“I want to do it with you, too.” He smirks.of it.”

All of it. Everything. Mostly, everything we

right now is full of possibilities and maybes, a

love it.“I’m so sorry, Jody. Anything you wan

know, I’ll tell you.”

“We can save that for later. We have timeHis smile splits his face. “That sounds perf

“So. Kay-Kay and Sam gave me this bo

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condoms in an attempt to totally humiliate

and I have a week before I’m due home f

few days, and it started to feel like a challe

You know. To get to the bottom of the boxslide my hands around his waist, pulling our

together. “I wondered if you’d want to help

with that.”

His rests his cheek on mine. “Where dithis bravery come from?”

“From realizing that I can enjoy each

every minute, or I can be afraid of what mhappen. It seems like everything will be w

doing if I allow all the small moments to be a

part of me.”

“Very wise.” His lips brush mine as he spe“This really hot guy taught me all of that.

one day he’s going to be a brilliant philoso

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professor whose female students will sw

when he enters the room.”

“I’m yours, Jody. And I accept y

challenge.” He lifts me up and throws me oveshoulder, both of us suddenly laughing.

“Now,” he asks. “Where’s that box?”

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Sam

Chapter Twenty-seven

Another text. I know who it’s from befo

check my phone. Which I shouldn’t do, but anyway.

Sam. I’m sorry. I’m not mad. But pleas

me know where you are. I just want to tal Guilt seizes me again. I have to stop chec

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So, it’s not that I’m thrilled to be teachin

camp for my second year. It’s that I’m thrille

be anywhere but home. Any place that allow

to disappear for a while is a good thing.The hoards of girls arrive in a few days

Kay-Kay and Jody, my sanity in this mess,

be here tomorrow.

Tonight. The camp is mine.

I light up a cigarette and head out toward

docks. The smoke is as close to the city as

gong to get for a while. I won’t be gone for enough, I’m sure. But maybe Nate’ll have g

up on me by the time I go back.

If I go back.

There are too many fucking if’s in my life now. I used to love that. It meant possibility,

that my future was wide open.

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I suck in another drag. Even the gorgeous

of the unknown has been taken from me.

Why the hell did he have to do this? If

ust have kept his mouth shut, we’d stilscrewing around, and…

Fuck. I can’t think about this anymore. I

my cigarette into the water.

“Those things will kill you, you know,” A

says behind me.

So much for alone.

“Yeah. Well…” There’s nothing I could sasave myself from seeming too deep right n

I’m thinking too deeply, and there are

comebacks when your brain isn’t in that plac

He pauses for a moment longer, but I d

want to talk to anyone right now, and don’t

to face him. Polite chit-chat with someo

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barely know is not why I showed up a day e

I’ll have to do that way too soon. Prob

starting tomorrow with all of the welcome b

to being happy camp counselors bullshit.I hear Alex’s sigh and then his footsteps a

retreats. I stare at the lake a minute longer

breathe in. I’ll never get used to the loons. E

having been here before, the loons calling to other still jars me, hits me in this weird way

sort of makes me want to cry.

I wipe the sweat off my brow, and realiquick swim might be perfect. I strip down to

bra and panties, not really giving a shit who m

be lingering around and jump in the water. I d

really do lakes as the notion of minnows nipat my girl parts freaks me out, but at this p

it’s the easiest way to get me out of my head.

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ootball are apparently asking to get the c

beat out of them.”

“And you fought back?”

My fingers continue figure-eighting ove

knuckles. Nate. In a fight. Weird.

“Not the first time, but after the third t

 had to. My dad actually told me to. Sawas never going to hear the end of it unle

showed them they couldn’t mess with me.

“Wow. How come you didn’t play o

sports? Was it just because of your familybeing dancers?”

“Partly. But really, I’ve always loved it.

robably have found it even without th

They just made it easier for me to keep d

it. So yeah, it’s harder. I don’t always fit

with everyone, and I’m shy so I didn’t ta

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lot in class. But I’ve never really needed a

of friends, you know?”

 I nod. “Yeah. I get that.”

“Sometimes it only takes is one awes

erson and that’s really all you need.”

The lump in my throat is too big

swallow. His arms wrap around me tigand the ache in my heart threatens

overwhelm me.

“Just one awesome person,” he rep

and smoothes my hair behind my ear. 

Kay-Kay throws her arms around mesecond she steps into the cabin, n

suffocating me on my bed.

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Jody appears in the doorway behind her

gives me a wave.

Kay-Kay immediately flops on the bed ne

mine, putting our heads close together.

“Who’s Sam’s co-counselor?” Kay-

asks. “Didn’t you help with all that?”

Jody doesn’t even have to pause to tabout it. “Ray. She’s sweet, and p

easygoing. Should be good.”

“Thanks.” I think. It’s weird that Jody is

of “above” us this year.When Jody sits carefully on the bed ac

from me, I wonder again at what keeps he

ood  at twenty-one.

“How’s things?” Kay-Kay props her chin

her hands and stares at me with wide eyes.

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She has no idea what a loaded question th

I glance between the two girls and open

mouth to tell them everything. To tell them

my job teaching dance at Mable’s in Bostothe best thing I’ve ever been a part of. How

in there like I don’t fit in anywhere. How I m

actually be able to make a career out of dan

something no one thought I’d be able to do

And then I could tell them about how N

and I started dancing together, and how with

as a partner we’ve become unstoppaHeaded to the big leagues in ballroom next y

How my relationship with him surprised the

out of me. How I fucked it all up by run

away…“I’m back in this fucking mess for ano

summer.” I grin too wide. “Life is perfect.”

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“Well, it’s about to get a lot better.” Kay-

umps to standing. “Tonight will be the first n

at the Little Minnow, and I plan on ge

wasted.”“Perfect.” I glance at Jody. “You still

driver?”

“Yep.” She pulls a knee up to look like s

comfortable, but I don’t think she’d bother b

friends with Kay-Kay and I outside of ca

ot because she thinks she’s too good for

but because we shock the hell out of her regularity.

It’s become a bit of a game for me, but

not to push her too far. Usually.

They spend the next half hour telling me atheir years while I unpack the rest of my c

We have an all staff cook-out but then a

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night for everyone before the campers arrive.

Little Minnow will be packed, but I don’t

because hopefully it’ll numb me from all the

From the cyclone of questions pinging aroundhead.

Chapter Twenty-eight

The Little Minnow. Another shithole. A be

a beer, but this place needs to be torn dow

they can start over. Kay-Kay has frieverywhere, and if there’s people to talk

she’s good. Sweet little Jody breathes it in

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she actually likes it here.

My gut seizes up when I recognize two gu

hooked up with last year—sitting at the s

table and giving me eyes at the same time.

I guess if neither notices the other, I’m o

Or, if they do, I might not have to worry abo

repeat. If memory serves me well, I don’t t

either was exceptional. No. Wait. Jerry… T

was something about Jerry. It’ll come.

 Nate is exceptional. My chest caves in a

name. Nope. Nate doesn’t get to be here ton

I’ve known for years that I wouldn’t find

future at twenty, if ever, and it’s time that

knows it, too.

Kay-Kay dashes to the bar, and I try a p

smile to the small table of girls she was cha

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up.

Okay Jerry… It’s starting to come bac

me. Maybe if I can get him to notice me wit

the guy next to him whose name I shprobably remember since we hooked up

summer…Jerry. Now I remember—he gene

has a small stash of weed in his pockets.

I lean against Kay-Kay who’s chatting u

few girls I don’t know. They’ve looked me

and down enough times that I don’t care to k

them. I don’t come out here to be grungy “one with nature” like they obviously do. I c

out here to be away from my family and to

paid to dance.

I take a few long swallows of the beer KKay set in my hand, which lifts up the front o

shirt and hopefully shows enough stomach

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Jerry to notice.

He does. His eyes are on me when I se

beer down. As I move toward the back do

tilt my head and raise a brow, hoping he folloThis is good. I need distraction, and I nee

move on so I don’t crumple a little every tim

think about Nate.

Jerry follows. Guys are so fucking easy

head nod and a strip of skin, and they’re toas

“Long time, no see, Jerry.” I sit on the

bench out back and cross my legs. Thank Gthought to wear short shorts—not that I bro

much else.

“You know. I’ve imagined you a million ti

over the past year, and you still manage tohotter than my fantasy.”

It takes all my willpower not to laugh a

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cheesy line, but he is a bit of a dork, so I sh

probably cut him some slack.

“Thanks.”

He’s pale from probably spending a lot of

indoors. Wonder if his parents had to drag

out of the house to come here as a kid. He

next to me on the park bench and immedi

rests his arm on the inside of my thigh. Rela

casual, but I can see how nervous it makes

by how his other hand is twitching and how

won’t look at me. I wonder how many girls been with.

 Not many, I’d guess. Maybe only the

who know what he’ll do for them.

 But his hand shouldn’t be there becausate.

Hell. Is this what it’s like to hav

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conscience? Because I’m about done. Nate

thousand miles away, and I didn’t even mea

start dating him anyway.

“So…I…”

“Wanna get high and fool around?” I ask.

“Um… I don’t… I mean. I had to quit.”

scratches his head full of bland brown hair won’t meet my eyes.

“You had to quit?” I snort. “Why?”

“Got caught. I had to beg to let them take

back to be a counselor this year, but I need tin for UA tests pretty often if I’m gonna

around. It’s that I’ve come here for so m

years, they were still willing to give me a chan

“Well, fuck, Jerry.”

“I’m cool with the fool around part, thou

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He tries to tease, but has to take another

swallow.

He reminds me of that geeky guy who did

voice of the kid in How To Train Your Dra— me comparing him to a cartoon is probab

dead giveaway that I should not have invited

out here. He’s not really worth fooling aro

with if I’m not high. So much for distraction.

“There you are!” Kay-Kay busts out the b

door. “Our team is up for darts.”

Just in time.Jerry’s got crushing disappointment on

face, but I’m not nearly drunk enough to th

him a bone. Kay-Kay drags me inside

orders us both another beer. I ask for a shot mine and ignore the question in Kay-Kay’s fa

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A beer and two more shots later and

numb in the perfect way. A guy at the

board’s been eyeing me for the last few minand his hotness almost makes me forget N

He slides behind me and asks if I want to

out songs on the juke box with him.

It’s a backwoods bar. Of course it has a j

box.

I stand in front of him, scanning the songs,

feel his hardness brush up against my ass. YThis might be the perfect distraction from Na

“Can I get you another shot?” he whisp

and then turns me around so he’s leaning

me, his sort of disgusting breath in my face.

I close my eyes and prepare for his kiss

instead feel an elbow in my side.

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“Sam, we’re rolling.” Kay-Kay sound

serious, but I’m not ready to go yet. I’m

getting started with my distraction.

“No way. We’re just getting to know other.”

Kay Kay narrows her eyes. “Matt, right?”

“Yeah.” He smiles a fairly gorgeous sm“Yeah. I’ll give her a ride home.”

I stumble a couple times, not realizing

much I’ve had to drink. I’m fuzzier tha

thought. “He’ll give me a ride home.”Kay Kay says something else, but all I he

herpes.

Oh. Matt. The STD guy. Crap. Manumbing wasn’t the best call tonight. Th

Christ for my friends. Kay-Kay has a rada

when I’m about to make an ass out of myself

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I leap from Matt and practically throw m

on Kay-Kay and Jody. “Thanks,” I whisper.

Kay-Kay pats my back. “I don’t think we

nearly drunk enough tonight. Maybe our night off, huh?” She glances behind us as

head inside. “And not fucking Matt. God. H

some standards.”

I feel a twinge of guilt or anger, but it fades

because she’s right. Now I feel a little stu

which really isn’t going to help me forget a

the Nate situation.I grab Jody, who has stopped at the ba

our way out, and she jumps as she tears her

away from Liam—the delicious new additio

the bartending staff at the Little Minnow. Wohow much Mr. Irish will make in tips sho

down the front of his pants by horny girls

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kids. I swear our short week before cam

arrived was longer last year. This year sped b

a haze of a few more drunken nights at the L

Minnow, Kay-Kay stealing too-long glanceAlex, and Jody blushing at every fucking thi

say.

The back side of the shed near Kay-K

targets was a good spot last year, so I wandthat direction. As soon as I step around

corner, I nearly run into a string-bean of a La

girl with a lazy expression and a cigarette in

mouth.

“Give me that.” I snatch it from her, and

ust about to toss it to the ground when I re

she’s just barely started. “And the rest, toohold out my hand and she sighs, pulling the

from her shorts.

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“Now…” Now what? “Go back to

cabin.”

“Aren’t you going to ask me who I am?”

rests her hands on her hips.

“Who are you?” God I suck at this ‘being

authority’ stuff they lectured us on last week.

“Paloma Valdez. And you’re welcome tomy parents, but they already pulled a few str

I’m here all summer instead of just one ses

so I’m guessing nothing will happen, and I w

be sent home.”“Thanks for the smokes, Paloma. Go find

cabin.” I lean against the shed and dare he

argue.

She doesn’t.

As soon as she’s gone, I give the pac

shake. Nice. Almost full. That’s good.

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already running low. Being on the run has m

me twitchy. I take a long drag and try to men

prepare for a night with kids. They really sh

not have hired me for this gig.

After a morning of beginning cheerleadin

involving mostly poms and elementary squealing, I’m about out of cheer.

And I was looking forward to advance da

but the girls who take dance during the scyear are the worst to teach. I start by ma

sure they can all do the moves in the routin

teach them, and instead of just doing the sp

showed them, they add an extra turn, or a kicthe end, just to make sure I know how incred

skilled they are. Please. Almost all of these

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will end up as over-manicured housewives in

years, and unless they marry rich enough

personal trainers and gym memberships, th

be twice the size they are now after poppinga couple of kids.

Who the fuck would want that?

The thought of Nate pinpricks at my c

again, because he’ll want that. Nate will defin

want the whole thing—picket fence, garden,

house, quiet street—all things that make me w

to run screaming. Which I guess I did.One of the girls interrupts me as I explain w

we’re doing next because I’m adding s

ballroom moves into our routine this year.

“I was always taught that you should start both feet flat on the ground, not on your to

Pink girl scowls. I don’t know their names ye

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for now, they’re the color I imagine them to b

“In dancing, you are almost always on

toes.” I stare and dare her to contradict me.

“Fine.” Her eyes widen slightly, and I cont

to stare, still daring her to roll them. She does

Just when I think I might die of boredom

teaching these girls the basic steps of the cha, the bell rings to signal the end of the day

The older girls never ask if they’re excu

ust take off.

Fine with me. The heat and exhaustion the day catch up to me, and I flop on the gra

stare at the sky. The intense sun is ridiculous,

I keep hoping for a day in the water. I’d e

brave minnow nips of my girl parts for a brea

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“Did you ever think of going to colleg

ate’s hands are on my hips and he’s danc

behind me, the studio mirrors reflecting b

our movements.“Yeah. But not right away,” he answ

and nuzzles my ear. My heart beat quick

“I sort of wanted to see how far dan

could take me before my body gave out onand I couldn’t do it anymore.”

 Feeling the strong smoothness of

movements guiding mine, I don’t think body will ever give out on him.

“Huh. Yeah. I can see that.”

“What about you?”

 I shake my head. “That ship kind of sa

ot really my scene anyway. I’m ha

academically inclined.”

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 Nate turns me around and looks at

intently. “I think you could do anything

wanted.”

“Don’t do that,” I whisper.

“Do what, baby?”

“Don’t make me better than I am.”

 

“Sam? You have a sec?” Alex asks.

“Sure.” I sit up and tug my tank back dowit hits the top of my shorts. Almost.

“Uh…” He looks suddenly uncertain.

“Spit it out, Alex. Get a complaint against

or something?” I ask as I fish in my oversizedfor a piece of gum.

I run into two bottles of sleep aid before I

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the Orbit.

“I know you teach dance, and that you n

to wear clothes that you can move in…”

shifts his weight a few times, which really like him.

“But,” I prompt.

“But it’s a half step above a bathing suit. got Kay-Kay running around without a bra

wearing propaganda T-shirts, you wea

nothing, and Jody who works the girls so

they nearly collapse at the end of their stime.”

“You noticed Kay-Kay’s lack of bra?” I fi

this is the easiest way to get him to walk away

True to form he looks flustered for a h

second before attempting to make his poi

second time. “If you have shorts with ano

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inch or two, that would be great.” But he doe

bother making eye contact.

“I’ll ask Kay-Kay to wear a bra, if you r

want me to talk to her about her boobs.” I manage to not smile.

Alex sighs before wiping his forehead

moving away. “We’re probably going to d

water day tomorrow. Remember that this isn

topless beach.”

One for Alex.

“Yes sir!” I shout as he moves away. I deven mean for it to come out disrespectful, b

probably does. Force of habit.

Dinner’s being served, but I’m in no moo

eat. Being away from my apartment, everything, and everyone  that entails isn’

freeing as I thought it would be.

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As I needed it to be.

And instead of leaving my phone in my

where it belongs, I torture myself and pul

ate’s texts.

Really, I should pull my toenails out becau

would be less painful. I start at the top anyw

Again.

Sam, where are you? We were going

rehearse tonight. I’m starting to get worr

You’re never running this late.

Funny you should ask, Nate. Because at

point in time I was packing a few bags

throwing them in the car before you made it bto our building and knocked on my door.

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Sam. I’m really getting worried.

I was pulling out of my parking space…

Okay. I’m officially starting to freak

You’re not at home. You’re not at the stu

Your car is gone. Please just send me a tex

tell me you’re okay.

And this is when I should have sent him a

I should have just said—  I need space. should forget about me. But I didn’t. Bec

I’m sick and twisted enough to love that

worried about me. That he’s freaking out wh

wasn’t where I said I’d be, even thoughshould have thought—  Flaky Sam.

surprised she didn’t show.

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The thing is, I haven’t been able to be f

Sam. Not around him. I haven’t wanted to

He was a good dance partner. The best. If

stuck around, we’d have really gone places. lump in my throat has gotten too big to swallo

Why did he have to push things? Why cou

he have been gay like every other ballr

dancing partner I’ve ever had. Why?

Sam. I’m at your apartment. It’s a

midnight. The cops won’t do anything. heart’s pounding at the thought of you be

somewhere and needing my help. God, I

ou.

And that right there is the reason I left.

telling me he loved me was sort of a

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giveaway that he didn’t know me the way he

he did. So, even after that text I’m hor

enough to have waited hours before sending

one pathetic line.

 I’m safe.

I knew when I hit send that I should have

him I couldn’t deal. That he shouldn’t k

writing me, but feeling needed…wanted…

crave it and I hate it all at once. Nate’s becmy replacement drug, and the sooner he fig

that out and runs, the better. I just gave hi

head start by taking off early.

This is why getting involved with people might mean something doesn’t work. They h

and follow you even when they’re a thou

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miles away.

Chapter Thirty

I’m not in the mood for a phone call from

brother. He’s perpetually optimistic, and c

figure out why I have such a bad attitude alife—his words, not mine.

It’s not my attitude that sucks, I always

him, it’s my life.

I usually get the eye roll that I can totally

even over the phone.

This time he doesn’t even wait for me to

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hello. “I was just at your apartment, where I

a very nice black man who is apparently not

your dance partner, as you would have

believe, but someone who knows you enough to have a key to your apartment. S

I’m the only person you’ve ever let have a ke

your apartment, and I had to bribe you to g

and Nate has one, I’m thinking he’s someimportant in your life.”

“Austin, I really don’t need—”

“Nice try, but I’m not finished.” He doeeven pause. “He said you were suppose

meet him over a week ago, never showed,

he hasn’t seen your car since. I don’t k

where you are, and that, my little sister, isacceptable.” He lets out a huff, his gay

specialty, and waits for my explanation.

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“I’m not telling you where I am witho

promise of silence.” I keep my voice

enough that I might get some sympathy instea

another lecture that’ll be the equivalent oAustin bitch-slap—his words, not mine.

“So. This is serious.”

“Do you promise you won’t tell?” I ask.

“Fine. I promise. But that Nate is tasty, Sa

“I don’t want to talk about Nate!” I tak

breath after shrieking into the phone, which

not totally intend on doing.“Did he do someone else? Because he doe

seem like the type.” I can picture Austin n

shaking his head at me.

“No.” Austin won’t get it. I don’t totally g

ate is pretty exceptional in every way.

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“You did?” Now his eyes would be widen

“No.”

“I’m at a loss, Sam.”

“I’m at camp.”

“Wait.” He snorts. “That place you calle

smelly shithole?”

“That’s the one. I…” But I can’t even tellbrother what’s going on. We sit on opposite

of the line in silence.

“You ran.” His voice isn’t accusatory, it’s

That makes it ten million times worse.

“Look. I’m a counselor here, and w

actually not supposed to use our ph

during…well…when we’re on duty, so…need off the phone.

He huffs again. “Sam. I do not appre

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being sloughed off. You never care about rule

“Please don’t tell Nate, okay?”

“You need space, huh?” he asks.

“Lots of it.”

“Fine. I won’t tell him for now. But Sam

Don’t let him go unless you really need aw

actually like this one. I never like them. EAnd I like  this one.” Austin will be wearin

pouty face to make sure I know he’s serious

still loves me.

I could definitely do worse as far as sibgo.

“Thanks, Austin. We’ll chat soon.”

He makes a ridiculous kissing noise behanging up. We never say goodbye. I love

brother to pieces because he’s there, but doe

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give me too much shit about being me.

It’s my night “on” and Ray, who’s the ogirl sleeping in bunk nine, has the night off.

fifteen-year-olds are all mine. The fact that

take all the cell phones away from these cam

is just cruel. They’re playing some version “this is what will happen in your life” game

sheet of paper while I scroll through emails on

phone, and try to dissolve into the corner.

I’ve been typing up an email to Mable

when I’ll be back to teach dance and w

disappeared, since I left, but I haven’t found

words yet. It’s starting to suck knowing angry and hurt she might be. Or maybe she’ll

drop me, and I’m worrying about nothing.

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thought of disappointing her makes me sick to

stomach.

After ten minutes of tinking with the s

letter, I finally hit send, knowing I probsealed my fate with her when I took off a co

weeks ago.

“I didn’t think we were supposed to have

phones.” Jordin scowls over the paper. Why

have to be stuck with the fifteen-year-olds? T

know everything. Jordin’s worse because s

the know-it-all goodie-goodie of the group.“Tell you what.” I sit up in bed. “I won’t t

you won’t tell.” Then I wink.

“Nice try.” Savannah, a red haired girl frow

“They’ve confiscated ours. Remember?”

Right.

“I’m a counselor. Having my phone is on

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my privileges.” I sit back again, but all eyes

on me now, and the room is silent.

“What the fuc… heck do you want?” I’m

out of patience tonight. It’s too damn hothink.

“Maybe one night with our phon

Savannah’s face pulls into a smirk.

I would have died of happiness if a coun

had done that for me.

Ray won’t be back for hours. Her boyfr

lives in this dump town, and my guess is sshow up just before breakfast.

“Okay.” I stand up. “I’m about to perfor

mission on behalf of you girls and your fri

and boyfriends you’ve left at home. This is w

want in return.”

The room is silent.

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“You will forever remember that your c

counselor, Sam, was the best counselor you

had.” I set my hands on my hips as they cont

to stare. “And you will never, ever, give meshit or tell your parents that I swear. Got it?”

Jordin frowns. “All you do is sit in the corn

“So. No one wants their phones.” I start t

back down.

“No, no, no!” Savannah screeches. “Yo

the best ever!”

The girls laugh, and then beg, and do thepuppy-eyes thing at me.

“Give me a few.” I step out of the cabin

toward the main office. Irene would fire me

this for sure. The girls are allowed ph

privileges for a couple of hours on Sunda

suspect that they spend most of that

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exchanging numbers and texting each other

whatever.

My mission is surprisingly easy becau

borrowed Jody’s keys while she was in a hargument with loser safety-Jeff, and the ph

are separated into boxes by cabin in the m

office.

I pull out the box for cabin nine, and each

has a small bag with their electronics. Perfect

I’m greeted at the door with cheers, an

promise that no word of this will get out.Paloma’s the last girl up. The last phone

And I feel like total shit because I had no

that she was in my cabin when I called her ou

smoking the first night.

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Chapter Thirty-one

Ten to twelve year-olds trying to swing

hips to do the sexy salsa is always one of my

points of hilarity at camp.

I teach cheerleading most days, but

stopped early because they wanted to kwhat kind of dancing I do when I’m not here

What the girls don’t realize as their hips m

in wonky motions from side to side is tha

often, less is more. Not in many things in lifedefinitely in dancing. You twist your waist

slide your hips just enough to catch eyes. T

they watch you, waiting for your body to sw

that motion again. It’s the subtle part of the dthat really attracts attention.

Everyone claps at the fancy stuff, but if

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can keep the eyes on you when you’re just in

middle of a line, that’s a big deal.

“Sam?” One of the girls touches my arm. “

you demonstrate again?”

Fifteen pairs of eager eyes are on me.

younger girls always want me to dance

dances again and again. I should probably ta

as a compliment.

I sigh. “Yeah. Sure.”

As much as I’ve been teaching, I haven’t

danced for me—at least not much.I love dancing. Love. But when I do somet

I love, it opens me up to feel things I really d

want to feel.

 Nate’s breath on my shoulder as I do the

for the girls again. His hand low on my waist

do the turn at the end. His dark brown eyes

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skin so dark that I feel like a porcelain doll in

arms, no matter how tan I am.

How tan I was.

It’s crucial that I remember this all in the

tense, because no matter what Nate think

wants, he doesn’t actually want me. Not reall

I continue my circle of salsa steps, and it’she’s here with me, only he’s not, because I

him back in Boston.

 Nate should have been a totally safe pe

for me to hang out with after rehearsals. Gwho are as good at ballroom dancing as Nate

gay—at least that was my experience up to

point. He was supposed to be totally safe

someone who had no intention of dating, mless ever settling down.

The first time he kissed me, I was in

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shock that I didn’t push him away. I’d alread

him in on way too much for us to be phys

too.

But that kiss curled my toes and wrappedbody around his and he may have been

incredible mover on the dance floor, but not

compared to how he was in bed…

I’m not dancing anymore, and no o

talking. When did that happen?

“Sam. The lunch bell rang. Are we excuse

“Of course,” I recover. Sort of. “You dneed me. Lunch is lunch. Go eat.” I’m ramb

like an idiot because I’m feeling all swimmy in

over a memory…

As far as I can tell there’s no way to getguy out of my head. I’m so fucked.

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I swear mornings at camp come earlier

morning anywhere else—even on the days w

I’m allowed to sleep in.

My phone buzzes, and I reach over

answer without thinking.

“Hello?”“Sam. Thank god.” Nate. “I’ve been wor

Please let me talk, I…”

“I didn’t mean to answer.” God, I’m horr

He should know I’m horrible.

“Your brother stopped by, and he di

know you were gone. I called your parents, a

”I sit up in bed, heart hammering. My pa

don’t meet the people I know. Not ever.

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don’t talk. “You called my parents?”

“I guess I messed up, Sam. I know I did.

I know you better than you think I do.” His v

is nothing but the smooth calm I’m used to him, and my anger starts to dissolve

helplessness, which will turn back into anger

I get frustrated about feeling helpless. “But

how I feel, and I wanted you to know, andidn’t want that to scare you away. I just wa

honesty between us.”

“You don’t want honesty, Nate.” If he kme. Really knew me. We’d have never gotte

the point where he said he loved me. Never.

“I do.”

“No. You don’t. I used to sell meth to cheerleading friends in high school until I

pregnant and dropped out. I sold No Do

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camp goodie-two-shoes last year as

counselor . I’m a mess. I’m the bad girl no

wants around. I don’t do relationships, Na

ust can’t. It’s not what I want.”Silence fills the line between us, and I want

to hang up, but I also want him to talk me o

whatever mixed up shittiness is tearing at

insides.

“Am I hard to be with?”

His question is not what I expected. I can

his words tearing down the walls I’ve built ukeep him away. “No.”

“Because you were my friend, and then we

to be more, and I loved that… You.” His voi

still so warm and soft. Low without being wedeep.

“Please don’t use that word. Not with m

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Tears are streaming down my face, and I’m

even sure why.

“Can we meet up? Can I see you?”

“You don’t want to see me.” I hang up be

his pleading voice convinces me to do somet

really stupid. Like tell him where I am.

It’s too hot for activities. To me it’s been

hot for activities since I got here, but now

official. I’m in my silver bikini resting on a louchair near the lake. I don’t have lifeguard train

so I figure I pretty much have the day off.

Jody rips her towel off the dock, and trie

hide herself in a flurry of movement, and thcatch sight of hot bartender, Liam, who

practically drooling over her, lucky girl. L

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looks like a badass, but my guess is he’s a p

decent guy. Even if he’s not, every girl need

least one asshole. God knows I’ve found a fe

Paloma sits next to me, her skinny brown stretch out in the coarse sand.

“Why aren’t you playing with everyone e

I gesture to the chaos that is the lake.

She shrugs.

“So…” I have no idea how to talk to this

“Both sessions, huh?”

“My dad’s busy.”

“And your mom?”

“Busier.” Paloma doesn’t look at me,

stares out at the lake.We sit in silence for a minute, and I half w

that she’d back away and leave me alone.

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“Brothers and sisters?” I ask.

“Nope.”

“I have a brother.” One that I hope wil

better about keeping secrets than he has be

the past.

“You two get along?” she asks.

“Most of the time. My parents won’t talhim because he’s gay.”

Paloma scowls. “That’s bullshit.”

“Watch your mouth,” I say without thinking

She scoffs. “Yes. Because your pure

couldn’t take it.”

“Listen.” I sit up and sigh. “I don’t need

attitude from you, okay?”“Fine.” Only she says it like I   say it, w

basically means “screw you”.

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“You are full of attitude, aren’t you?” I

And now that I think about it, maybe that’s w

didn’t tell her to take off when she first sat d

it’s something we have in common.She shrugs.

“Got a boyfriend?” I ask.

Her eyes flash toward mine, and now sgot a real smile. “Yes, and he’s great.”

“That’s good.” Only no fifteen- or sixteen-

old boys are great.

“You don’t believe me.” She folds her arm

“Does it matter?” I ask.

“He’s a nice guy,” she insists.

“Sorry. My experience with high school bisn’t all that great.” I shift my body to g

slightly different angle from the sun.

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“He’s just graduated.”

I chuckle. “And you’re fifteen? That’s

worse.”

“Oh. So you have experience dating s

older guy when you were in high school?”

voice is tinged with disbelief.

“Yes. I did. I was going to graduate early, we were going to get an apartment, only I en

up pregnant instead.” That was maybe

beginning of who I am now. That and my par

not allowing me out of the house without mby minute details of where I was going and w

would be with.

I glance over at Paloma to see her jaw slac

“He was so nice about it. Even paid for his

of the abortion. My parents found out wh

came home with meds and a list of instructio

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my jeans, at which point I left Wisconsin,

moved in with my brother who was a freshm

college.” I’m wondering if any of this is sinkin

Paloma’s silent. Still listening. Fuck, at point I might as well finish the story off. M

she’ll ditch the older guy.

“So he came over a few times and thoug

was going to be so great that I didn’t h

parents anymore. What he didn’t plan on wa

brother keeping a more careful eye on me

my parents ever bothered to do, and whenrealized I wasn’t supposed to have sex with

for six weeks after the abortion, he fo

someone else to have sex with.”

“Wow. So that’s why you’re so messed uPaloma’s so relaxed in how she says it.

“Excuse me?”

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“I don’t know the whole story about wh

going on, but I overheard your conversation

the guy this morning, and with your broth

couple days ago. Messed up.” She relaxes bin the sand like I’d want her anywhere near m

“Find somewhere else to sit.” I roll onto

stomach.

“What?” Now she sounds surprised.

“Go. Somewhere. Else.” I don’t move.

After a few more seconds there’s shuffling

Paloma walks off.Dammit. Now I feel like shit for chasing

away. Why am I suddenly caring a

everything? It shouldn’t matter. She’s one girl

camp full of girls, and she plopped down ne

me uninvited.

What did she expect?

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Chapter Thirty-two

I’m at the Little Minnow with Jody bec

Kay-Kay bailed on us tonight. It’s still too d

hot to think.

When we step in, Jody half freezes as she Liam behind the bar. I have to practically sh

her on him when I catch Travis out of the co

of my eye.

Wow. That’s a boy’s name I wouldn’t for

Travis is definitely worth remembering.

“Sam.” He gives me a wave. Travis is still

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pale, but he’ll darken up quick chasing the b

around. And if I remember right, Travis has

nice hands.

“Hey, you.” I sit close enough that our stouch, even though it’s too hot in here to wan

be close.

“You look…” He shakes his head, and a

of his hair falls over his forehead.

Travis definitely has locks. Thick, w

brown, touchable locks.

“…damn good. But you probably alrknow that, don’t you?”

I smirk and lean in a little closer. Trav

definitely a good contender for huge amoun

distraction.

“This is Trey and Freckle.” He nods tow

the two guys he’s sharing a table with.

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“Freckle?” I ask.

“You don’t want to know.” They say at

same time.

I laugh because whatever I’m imaginin

probably worse than it is.

“It’s hot in here.” Travis’s eyes are on

“Step outside?”“Sure.” I stand up, trying not to look

eager, but right now anyone’s hands on

would be better than no one’s hands on me,

there has to be something that can make methink about Nate.

“How you been?” Travis asks as we step

the humid night air.

“I don’t know.” I shrug. “Same, I guess.”

on the picnic table where I sat next to Jer

week or so ago.

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Travis slides next to me.

He smells like sweat and cheap beer, but

not his fault. I probably smell the same. W

not the only people out back, but no one matters right now.

“Actually.” I rest my head on his shou

“It’s been a little rough.” Maybe on a guy

Travis, the sympathy thing might help me

closer to him, faster.

He rests his arm around me and pulls

closer. “Sorry.”“It’s okay.” Nothing feels okay, but sitting

him is good. My chest aches a little less. I p

my nose into his cheek.

“Careful there.” He chuckles. “I’ve got a nice buzz going, and I might think you’re com

on to me.”

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“I might be coming on to you.” I kiss unde

ear. The simple kiss twists around in my ins

pressing into the guilt at leaving Nate. At s

on a bench with Travis. At wanting to do althings with Travis that I’m thinking about.

His smooth hands slide across my collarb

and up the back of my neck, bringing our

together.

Right. Swimmer. That’s why his hands

nice. Not calloused. I deepen our kiss,

ate’s still pressing in making it hard to breaI was supposed to leave all that behind.

Travis hand slides across my chest, his thu

pausing over my nipple for a second too long

Fucking guilt wins.

“I gotta go. Because of Jody.” And that’s

manage before stumbling off the picnic t

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oblivious to the other people standing ou

talking, and running inside.

Liam’s drooling over the counter as he h

Jody a drink.

“Sorry.” I grab Jody from the side. “We g

get out of here.”

I mouth ‘sorry’ to Liam before dragging out the door. I suck. I suck as a friend. A

hook-up. And as a girlfriend. I already knew

of these things, but as Jody stares wistfully a

front door of the Minnow just before Trpokes his head out, staring at me with confu

and my phone buzzes in another text, me bei

huge fuck-up pretty much turned to truth.

Jody and I have ridden in silence for too l

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I haven’t looked at my phone. I’m afraid to.

“So…” Jody starts. “Sounds like the d

thing is working out well.”

“I have a new partner,” I blurt out be

thinking.

“Yeah?” I’m not sure if Jody’s interested

not, but talking about how I met Nate seemsenough.

Or really, really far from safe.

“Mable set me up with a new partner.”

Jody’s silent, and I feel this strange need t

the silence after dragging her out of the bar.

“His name is Nate. So, you know, she ch

builds, and ways of moving and all that. I’m cpale, and he’s not just a little bit black, but r

black and sort of gorgeous.” I clear my th

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and wonder if I can continue. But I remem

and I want someone to know. Even if it’s

part of the picture. “I swear we were like

steps into the fox-trot, and I just knew he’perfect.”

“That’s great.” Jody smiles politely.

She doesn’t get how great it is. I’ve g

through so many dance partners, that I n

understood how any one person could

perfect.

Watching our hands come together the time and feeling how sure of himself he w

should have known with the way he dan

against me that he wasn’t gay. I probably

wanted him to be. Spending so much time my brother and his group of friends, as well a

my dancing friends, has warped my perceptio

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the percentage of gay males there are. In

mind, guys are gay, or total douche-b

Sometimes both.

“We could probably go all the way if we working hard.” Which we won’t because I’

camp instead of teaching and rehearsing.

“I would have never put you and ballr

dancing together.” Jody smiles a little more.

I want to be mad at her observation, but

true, really. I fell into it because Mom use

forget to pick me up after ballet, and they taadult ballroom dancing right after my class.

Austin made me stick with it when I mov

with him. Our parents are far too conservativ

have a daughter dancing anything but ballet,even then, Dad was always asking if I could

extra fabric to my costumes.

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I’m such a pathetic stereotype of the rebel

child.

When we stop I remember my phone buz

and pull it out.

I think I mumble thanks to Jody as I

toward the kitchen. I haven’t had a real me

days and am suddenly starving.

I hold in a breath as I check my phone,

it’s Austin, not Nate. I feel a pang

disappointment, but I need to get used to

because I can’t be running away from Natealso be hoping he’s still writing me.

 I stopped to water your solitary plant,

our mail and check your apartment. Yowelcome. Ran into Nate. Please just call

oor man. For me. It’s just…sad.

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What Austin doesn’t know is that I lite

can’t make myself do it.

Chapter Thirty-three

I’m once again smoking behind the sSometimes I think nothing has changed since

school.

Paloma steps around the corner and freeze

I’m still buzzed from the two beers I snuck

of Alex’s stash in the kitchen after dinner,

wave her over. “You’re already here.

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anyone, and I’ll kill you.”

She doesn’t move for a second longer,

then takes another step, putting us on the f

side of the shed, and out of view.

I hand her a cigarette and she lights

immediately, letting out the kind of sigh th

used to when I thought I was so fucking coo

smoking. Now I picture my lungs turning b

and the shitty voice I’ll have at forty, but the n

to do something is too strong for me to stop.

I scroll through my Nate texts again. Sptorture for the tortured soul. And I’m offic

being ridiculous.

“What’cha doin’?” she asks.

“Checking texts.” I scroll down further.

She glances over. “That’s a lot.”

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“Nate,” I say before I stop myself.

“So.” Paloma flicks her cigarette. “Wh

wrong with the guy?”

“What?” I freeze, still holding my phone.

“The guy you keep checking up on?”

“I’m not…checking up.” Only that’s ex

what I’m doing.“Then what are you doing?”

“Nothing.” I glance back and scroll to the

Last one was days ago. Maybe he’s finally g

up, which would be good, but still makes me

like shit.

“Fine. Don’t tell me.” She folds her arms.

“Nothing’s wrong with him. Okay? Hfucking perfect. The kind of guy I should

introducing to my brother. The kind of guy

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brother would love to see me with because

know that if we ever split up that it would be

fault.” I choke on the last words.

“So you  fucked it up then, huh?” She tanother drag. I really should take that away.

“Watch your mouth.” I slide off my flip f

and squeeze the grass between my toes.

“I don’t get it, Sam.” Paloma turns to loo

me as she drops her cigarette to the groun

still looks rehearsed, strange, coming from

young, wiry thing like her.“What don’t you get?” Because I’d like

take on it. I only half understand the situ

myself.

“You have the perfect guy, and you did w… Sleep with someone else? Take off? Wha

“I gotta go.” I push off the shed and drop

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cigarette.

“Fine. Whatever.”

This is it. I’m going to get someone to c

my shift with the girls tonight because I need

of here on a night when Kay-Kay and

aren’t at the Minnow to watch me be a big f

up.

Chapter Thirty-four 

 No one agreed to cover for me, and I wable to go be a big fuck-up with some g

looking for a good time.

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Instead I get cozy time with my girls where

basically told Kay-Kay to jump in bed with a

old enough to be her dad. Way hotter than

other guy I’ve seen his age, but still. Older.And then Jody… I just… Jody being a v

is such a shocker that days later, I’m still thin

about it. What must it have been like to grow

in normal ? To be so sure of how you want tsomething that if the situation isn’t perfect,

don’t do it? The whole thing boggles my mind

And both of them are walking into situations.

Kay-Kay’s in deep with Alex who is

enough that if they do end up together, it’s

going to be easy. Jody’s trying to find the gube in deep with Liam who doesn’t live in

country, and definitely has some history. And

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running away from Mr. Fucking Perfect.

I’m sure I do not want to know what this

about me. Or maybe it’s stuff I already kn

and I’m at least nice enough to run befoscrew him over too badly.

Maybe.

After getting a ride home from the L

Minnow from some counselors I don’t kno

stumble toward my cabin in the dark.What number am I… what number…

 Nine!

 Nine is my number… I squint as I passcabins, waiting for one to look familiar, whic

ridiculous since they all look almost the same

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I finally find my cabin and stumble in. Ge

undressed in the dark isn’t going to be an op

tonight. If it weren’t for stupid Nate and his d

need to tell me he loves me, I wouldn’t haveto drink so much.

I flop onto my bed, feeling more torn up a

ate than I have since I left. Dammit, all the

Beam was supposed to make this better,worse. My face smashes into my pillow a

beg for sleep to take over before I cry into

pillow like a lovesick teenager.

 His kiss is thorough and deep, like alwa

ull him into my apartment as I back up,

like every time for the last ten or so daSince the first kiss that curled my toe

haven’t done much thinking since that ti

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which is good, because as we keep dan

together, we keep being together. And ev

day I finish teaching my classes, knowing

et to rehearse with Nate. And knowing after our rehearsal he’ll ask me to dinner

if he can walk me home. And every night I

es.

“Say you’ll stay the night,” I whisper.

“I’ve stayed the night before.” He mo

his hips to sway with me slowly as he h

our bodies together. So close I feel as ifexplode if he doesn’t stay. Doesn’t touch

oesn’t take me.

“But I never got to see you. You slep

our clothes,” I tease in a whisper, becasome moments are so loud that I wish I di

need to speak.

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“You can see me right now.” His lips ca

my neck as he whispers back. Knowing

this moment is already full of us.

Wishing that we didn’t need words.

“Please.” I slide my fingers just under

shirt, and then up his back. And I did love

sleeping over. I haven’t loved being insid

man’s arms that way since I was fifteen

really stupid about boys. But with Nate

different. It’s new. It’s easy.

The beginnings of panic set in as I reahow deep I’m in, but he slides his shirt

and his hands slide up mine. Just far eno

that his thumbs skimming  across my stom

make my knees weak. As my shirt hits the floor, our bodies c

together, skin to skin. His smile is the sam

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it always is, but his mouth covers mine

more urgency. I realize he is going to s

over. I am going to get to see him. And

oing to be as good as I imagined. And then he’s gone, and I’m hold

nothing. As if that night never happened.

I gasp as sit up in bed, sending the r

spinning. Girls are stumbling out of bunks,

my head pounds.

Why does being separated from him havhurt so bad? My hangover is nothing comp

to the hole in my chest.

 It’ll go away…It has to…There’s no w

’ll feel this way forever…

Paloma stops at my bed as the other

shuffle out for breakfast. “I’m sorry.

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whatever.”

“Do I look that bad?” I tease, but it gets lo

the ache in my voice and the body that’s read

collapse into bed and be swallowed.

“Yeah.” She nods. “You do.”

I rub my hands over my face a few times. W

can’t I be normal and just love a guy bWhy?

“Is it worth it?” she asks. “Whatever yo

doing here?”

I don’t know. I honestly don’t.

A gangly pale guy with a sunburned face up to me as I head back toward camp

Jody’s car. First camp session ends in t

days, and as long as it felt like it took to g

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this point, I still can’t believe my summ

already half over.

“Boys camp is across the lake, or are

honestly lost?” I put my hands on my hipswanting to deal with some love-sick kid.

“I’m eighteen, not in camp, and need to

Paloma.” Nice polo shirt, khaki shorts, w

shoes…

I’m taken aback, because this kid looks

the epitome of clean-cut, good guy, and sh

doesn’t.“Who are you?” I ask.

“I’m her boyfriend, Gabriel.”

“Yeah.” I shift my weight. “I’ve heard ayou.”

“Look.” He sounds desperate and his br

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eyes are pleading. “I just need to see

Please?”

“What for?”

“Gabe?” Paloma yells. She’s moving wi

group from the amphitheater.

I sigh.

Before I can slow anything down, she’s inarms. I shouldn’t watch them. Really, they’

couple of kids. I expect him to kiss her like

eating her face, but instead his eyes close an

holds her.They relax into each other, her face pre

into his chest, and I have to walk away.

 Nate held me like there was nowhere he’d rather be. Like he had all the time in

world to stand outside my apartment door

feel me in his arms.

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The only son of a family full of dancers. He

two sisters in Cirque de Soleil, and even tho

his parents call him a wimp for doing ballr

instead of ballet (only a dancing family wouldthis) they love that he’s doing it.

I wonder all the time if Nate knows wha

amazing family he has. How incredible it mus

for your parents to give a shit about what yodoing. Austin is amazing, but he’s not Mom

Dad.

Okay. It’s official.I’m making myself crazy with my patheticn

When I lie in bed, shushing the whispersgiggles after a too-late night, and a new grou

girls, I realize Paloma’s bed is empty. My h

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starts pounding, and I jog to the shed after d

threats to the rest of the girls to stay in bed.

Where is she?

Shit. I’m going to have to report he

missing.

The boyfriend was here today. God. H

stupid of me. Of course she’s probably hasex with him in the back of his car right no

can’t find time to get laid, but apparently if I

sixteen, I’d be good.

The office is closed for the night, so I heaAlex’s place. He’ll know what to do.

I knock, sure he’s going to kill me for bein

stupid, and not noticing when I was suppose

take roll before lights out.

He opens his door, and his face falls. Won

if he was expecting someone else.

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“What can I do for you, Sam?”

“Paloma’s gone.”

“I know.” He hands me a letter. “This was

under my door sometime this evening.”

I take the paper from him. “Where were y

He immediately looks away. “Out.”

I scan the note.

Camp Counselors and my parents – 

 I’m safe. I chose to leave. No one at ccan be held responsible, as no one knew

lans.

Mom and Dad. Don’t try to contact me

be in touch when I’m ready. I choose love. Even if it breaks my hear

 Paloma

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“She ran off with her boyfriend.” I s

stunned. After everything I said to her. She

did it.

“I just got off the phone with her par

Don’t worry, Sam. You didn’t do anyth

wrong.” His voice is tired, but still kind.

“Okay. ‘Night.” Only it’s insane. Not okay

I turn back to the bunks, heart pounding. H

could anyone just jump in like that? I don’t ge

She’s not terrified only because she’s yoand stupid and doesn’t know better.

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Chapter Thirty-five

Weeks pass, and I keep to myself. I carrying my phone around, and have sta

answering my brother’s long voicemails

texts. Kay-Kay and Jody are up and down

their men. Right now Kay-Kay’s down confused because of the crazy ex-wife/A

situation, and Jody’s definitely up. She sp

her days grinning like an idiot, and every s

second is with the edible Liam.I shouldn’t be jealous. I could be home

ate right now, but I’m not. I could

impetuous and stupid like Paloma. But I did

once and got burned.

Travis and I text a few times, and almost m

up, but our nights off never seem to match up

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didn’t call last winter so I’m thinking he’s p

safe for a night out, and the distraction I’ve b

wanting since I got here. At the same time,

so mixed up that I don’t know if I wdistraction from someone like him, or if I wa

run away from anyone and anything.

I’m sort of resigned to feeling like shit al

time. It’ll pass. I got over my high scboyfriend ditching me at the worst time, and

parents not talking to my brother and I for y

to keep up appearances. Seems sort of asi

that disowning your children helps appearan

but I’ve never understood my parents.

Still. Missing Nate’s getting worse, not bet

When Austin texts for the fifteenth time in

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weeks that I need to call him instead of sen

him another message, I give in.

“How are things at camp?” he asks.

I was expecting a long lecture when

answered, so I’m already on edge.

“I’m surviving. No one’s danced their way

the hospital, so I must be doing something riI sit on the grass and watch the barefoot so

tournament as far from the group as I can be

still see.

“And how are we feeling about Nate?”asks.

“I don’t want to talk about Nate with y

Why, oh why did I call?

“Here’s the thing.” He stops too abruptly,

I stiffen, knowing something’s up.

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“What did you do?” The sinking, swimm

feeling in my gut is about to take over.

“Do you trust me?”

“No!”

“No. Sam. Really. Think about this. Lif

death or happiness. Do you trust me?” His v

is low.I close my eyes for a moment, and know

he’s probably the only person in the world

trust, even though I know he could screw

over at any moment.“I think so. Yes.”

“I told Nate where you were.”

I stand, shaking. I want to scream a miobscenities at my brother, but instead I

worse. I hang up without a word.

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How. How could he do this?

What will Nate do? Will he show up?

another way to contact me?

Why do I care so much?

Fuck this. I can’t feel this. I’m putting al

extra effort into finding time for Travis.

shittiness has to end. Has to. I can’t keep fethis way.

It took two days, and about three more drthan I thought it would, but Travis and I are

half-naked in the back of the car he borro

from the boys’ camp across the lake.

Our kissing is sloppy, but worth

distraction.

I probably should have had less to drink

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I’m determined that tonight is about forgettin

no matter what it takes.

Travis looks good with his shirt off. No

good as some guys I know, but the summbeen nice to him. Lean muscles, nice tan. Tr

traces the outside edges of my bra and sits up

“What are you doing?” I tease as I shove

back down and kiss him again.

He chuckles. “I should be getting back.

maintenance guy will kill me if his truck’s ou

late.”“Are you just trying to be a gentleman, and

push us too far?” I ask a bit incredulous that

putting the brakes on.

“Maybe a little.” He shrugs and reaches fo

shirt.

“I appreciate you being all sweet, but I r

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ust want to have sex.” I grab his hand befor

can start pulling his tee over his head. Surely

should be the easiest thing.

“Uh…” Travis pauses and pulls slightly aw

“Please?” God I’m so damn pathetic. W

the hell kind of guy says no to a half-naked g

a car?

“Look, Sam, you’re a cool girl, and I defin

want to…you know, but there’s something

going on here, and I don’t think I want to b

the middle of it. I know you’re drunk, but stYou’re not acting like yourself.”

I grab his shoulders and pull him clo

“Nothing’s going on. I need something with

strings attached. I’m desperate for that, actua

His eyes float down my body again, a

move to unhook my bra.

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He rests a hand on my arm. “You

whatever you need to get figured out first,

come find me.”

Travis crawls out from under me and slideshirt on as he steps out of the car. “But I d

think you will. Come find me, that is.”

“Where the fuck were all the nice guys wh

was in high school?” I yell. “I’m here and r

to get laid!”

Shit. I snatch my shirt, slide on my flip-f

and take off through the woods.“Sam! Wait! I’ll give you a ride back!”

“Go fuck yourself since you obviously

zero interest in fucking me!” I can’t believe th

All through high school all guys wanted w

get in my pants, and now that I’m looking f

no-strings attached hook up, I can’t find it.

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is bullshit.

My phone buzzes, and I glance at the scre

 Nate.

I hurl the phone as far as I can into the tree

And then stop.

Why the hell did I do that? The damn t

cost me two hundred dollars.Shit.

“Nate. Call me again. Please, Please,

me…” I start in the direction I chuckedphone. Nothing.

“Sam.” Travis comes up behind me in

woods.

“Just…shit.” I don’t want to cry in fronTravis.

“Why are you out here?”

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“I threw my phone.”

“I’ll call it, okay?” He slides out his cell

some Beyonce “do me” kind of song s

playing.

He cocks a brow.

“Bribery. I let the campers set my ring ton

exchange for them not giving me crap over umy phone.” I stomp through the trees until I

the blinking call light of my cell.

“You have a good arm.”

“Shut it.” Guilt over being here with Trslams into me, which it shouldn’t. I should

fine. Nate can’t think we’re still together if

not taking his calls. God…is that what I r

want? It’s suffocating to think that I won’t h

out with him anymore. That he won’t bring

coffee on the mornings I have to work earl

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That I might not dance with him anymore.

me back to camp. Okay?”

“Yeah. Okay.” Travis puts his arm over

shoulders, but I shrug him off.

“You don’t get to cuddle me unless you sc

me first.”

Travis laughs. “Damn, Sam. You’re somethelse.”

Yeah. Something.

I’m the girl who gets sad when she c

ignore a man’s phone calls because he calling as often as he used to. And then whe

does call, risks losing a two hundred d

phone. That’s definitely something.

It’s after midnight by the time we make

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the girls’ camp.

“Thanks. And sorry for being crazy.” I

out of the car.

“If you wanna get together again after you

things out…”

I bark out a laugh without meaning to. “So

Travis. But you don’t want to start anything me. I picked you because I thought you’d b

easy lay.”

“Guess I wasn’t.”

“No.”

“I’m sorry for whatever you have going

He looks at me over his car for a moment be

climbing in and driving away.“Sam?” His voice comes out of the dark

there’s no mistaking who it is. My insides

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up, and I can feel myself start to fall apart.

Do I run for him? Or run away?

“Why are you here?” I ask into the dark

as I turn to look for him. See him. My c

aches that he’s so close.

 Nate walks into the edge of the yellow

surrounding the yard lamp I’m under. Heverything in a faded polo shirt and worn jean

Everything.

I can’t afford for any one person to be

everything.

He’s so still, and just like a month ago

way he looks at me makes me want to taste

rub my hands over his dancer’s body, feel against me, but instead I’m shaking.

My lips go numb, my chin’s quivering li

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does when I’m trying not to cry, and my legs

weak. He catches me just before I crumple.

God, he smells the same.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sure you d

want me here.”

“I don’t know what I want.” I’m pre

against him as he holds me up, and I finally my legs, but don’t move away. Can’t m

away. Wouldn’t want to.

His thumb touches the outside corner of

eye, and his eyes are filled with all the ways gentle and good and perfect, which is a remi

of the many millions of reasons he shouldn

with me.

“Are you…with someone else? The man

dropped you off?”

I shake my head. “I’ve tried. Part of me w

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to be because it means you’ll hate me. I jus

don’t want to need anyone, Nate. I can’t do

He holds me tighter and sits down in

middle of the small parking lot, pulling me his lap. “I don’t care if you don’t love me, S

ot right now. Not yet. And maybe I’m

supposed to tell you how I feel, but I had

won’t take it back, and I don’t care if you’rethere yet, but don’t shut me out just becau

am.”

In desperation and frustration and all the thI don’t want to be feeling, I run my hands

the kinks of his hair and pull his face tow

mine.

He actually pauses before covering my mwith his.

I love everything about the way Nate k

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me. The way his lips move with mine, an

does it like he does everything—smooth

strong and rhythmic.

I gasp in for air. “We need to find somewelse to be.” I’m suddenly so glad that Tr

turned me down.

Oh. God. I was just kissing Travis.

 Nate stands, helping me to my feet, and I

him toward the lake. We could take a cano

use the dock, or right now the middle of

beach would be fine with me.As soon as we hit the sand, my arms

around him. Familiar, comfortable, perfect.

sways his hips, dancing to silent music, a

follow because this is how we always start.

I need something harder. More.

I slide my thumbs into the top of jeans and

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him closer.

He chuckles. “This is not what I was expe

when I decided to show up.”

“What were you expecting?” I trace

bottom lip with my tongue, practically beggin

be kissed again.

“For you to tell me you hate me and thatnever wanted to see me again. To tell me tha

ruined everything between us because I fe

love with you. For you to be angry becau

talked to your brother and your parents.those things.”

His voice is smooth and soft, but the w

are sharp and start to cut deep. It’s all th

truths that I didn’t want to face. I wanted mowhat we are together without all the talking

the feeling.

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But maybe it’s all the same thing, and ma

that’s why I ran.

I freeze and can feel him searching my fac

clues in the dark.

“I’ve been with other men. Since being h

Maybe now he’ll run away, and I won’t hav

worry about what to do.

 Nate freezes, and then swallows once. “I…

“I didn’t have sex with anyone, but

because I didn’t try. I’m not good, Nate. I’m

good for you. God, you deserve a girl who better. Different. Not so fucked up. Destruct

How did this come out when he’s here?

close. We’re so close.

But do I want to be?

“Is that what this is about? You running aw

Do you honestly  think you’re not good eno

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for me?” His gentle hands grasp my shou

and he tries to catch my gaze in the dark.

Instead I stare at where his black hands m

my white shoulders, and how much I’ve alwloved seeing our skin together.

“Sam?”

“You don’t know who I am.” I squeezeeyes tight. “You should go. I don’t want

here. Go.”

His hands give my shoulders another

squeeze. “Sam. Please don’t do this.”“I’m doing it.” I look down, still keeping

eyes closed. One look from him and I’d be d

for. I can’t do it. Can’t have that. “Go. Pleas

His hands slide slowly down my arms and

fingers slide like a breath through mine befor

hands drop. “I thought…” he starts. “If I w

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here. To see you. I—”

I shake my head, but still can’t look at him

“I love you, Sam, but I won’t keeping d

this.”

“And you shouldn’t.”

 Nate walks away and the last bit of any

good that was a part of me walks away with hI’m the biggest fuck-up the world has

seen.

As soon as I’m sure he’s gone, I fall to

sand and let myself cry.

Chapter Thirty-six

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There’s always this big moment in mo

where the girl or guy who has messed everyt

up comes to some stellar realization, and w

know they’ll be okay. I have no such momGod, I don’t deserve that moment.

Jody’s wrapped up in new issues with L

Kay-Kay is still on the outs with Alex. An

guess all three of us came here this summesomething we’re not going to get.

I dig through my bag for anything to help

function today, but end up with a handfumovie stubs and receipts of stuff Nate and I

together. I try to crumple the papers and th

them in the trash, but when I throw them,

spread out across the floor of my cabin.“I want one more fucking thing to go wr

One more!”

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Half of me expects someone to step insid

see the mess and help me pick it up. Kin

funny seeing as I’ve never expected anyon

pick up my messes before.God. Nate. I sit in the middle of the little

of paper and laugh at the ridiculous realiz

that I’ve done exactly this to what he and I

We were good. Better than good. Being ate was the easiest thing I’ve ever done

that was terrifying. Something had to go wron

Oh, right. It did go wrong because I fuckall up and spread us into a mess across the flo

“This is another intervention.” Kay-Kay Jody grab me and pull me into the life ja

shed.

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“Yes. Because the rest of them have wor

so well.” I frown. “Kay-Kay’s not with Alex

I’m guessing that Jody is still a virgin. Did I c

everything?”“Stop it!” Jody yells, and we both sto

stare at her. “Just stop being such a bitch!”

I’m so proud of her that I’m stun

speechless—even though I’ve barely spoke

her and wonder a little bit at where this is com

from.

She breathes hard a few more times bemaybe realizing what she just did and sittin

the ground. At least she didn’t apologize.

“I don’t know exactly what’s going on

you, but a very confused, very sweet black with a body like…” Kay-Kay stops with a sm

“A body like a god,” I finish for her.

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“Came by yesterday, and we all chatted

him, but we had to get campers in bed.”

“He’s so nice.” Jody sighs and sits. “H

like…”

“…the kind of guy you  should be with.

me.” I turn to leave.

“Nice try.” Kay-Kay grabs my arm and hme half back into the shed. “It’s one thing if

don’t like him. Maybe he snores. Maybe he’s

great in bed. Maybe he’s just not for you.”

“But.” Jody stands up. “You obviously him. And you being this miserable sucks.”

“Thanks.” I nod. “I’ll think about all of this

Lie.I turn and walk out, wondering if there’s a

for me to forget everything and just m

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forward.

When I get to the cabin my phone beeps,I’m terrified to look.

It’s from a number I don’t recognize.

 I know you probably think I’m stupid. A

might get my heart stamped on. But I tr

nd I’m glad I chose love. He has a job,

’m finishing school. Paloma

Stupid girl. I’m not sure if I’m glad

bothered to send me a message or not. W

knows? Maybe at eighty they’ll still be togeand have this crazy story about how it all star

Maybe he’ll turn out to be an asshole. M

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she’ll turn out to be a destructive bitch like m

 No one knows.

I can’t sleep. At all. I’m not even t

Tomorrow’s the last day, and I have no

where I’m going.

I pick up my phone and scroll through N

texts again.

And then again.

And then again.

I think about Kay-Kay and Alex, and

Jody was with the safe guy who ditched her,

how she ended up, or will end up, with the Irishman.

Before I think about what I’m doing, I

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ate a text message.

 

 I want us, but I don’t know how to do th

And hit send. Then panic. Too late. It’s

The worst that’ll happen now is he’ll an

back right away. No.

The worst that could happen now is tha

won’t.

Again, the tears start to flow. I hate this.

never cried so much in my life.

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Chapter Thirty-seven

With shaking hands I call Austin.He answers with a sigh. “I’m waiting. And

know what for.”

“I’m sorry.” Even though I know that doe

cover it. We don’t hang up on each other. EIt was one of the first rules he gave me wh

moved in with him.

“You can do better.”

“I freaked out, and I’m sorry.” I close my

and lean against the back of the shed.

cigarette supply is gone, but this has become

thinking place. The problem is standing back really makes me want a smoke.

“A little better.” His voice is pouty, but w

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“Hey, Sam.” Nate sits on the step, wai

Patient. And a million other things I prob

don’t deserve.

“Nate.” My chin quivers again becausecame back. After everything.

“Can we go somewhere to talk?” he a

“Kids keep running through here, and…”

He doesn’t jump up and throw his a

around me, or make any move to reach ou

me or hold my hand or anything.

“Uh…yeah.” I fold my arms, feeling chillethe shade. “Follow me.”

I’m terrified as I lead him through the w

to the old amphitheater. It’s small and fur

away from the main parking lot.

Did he bring me out here just to yell and

me how horrible I am?

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“I got your message and wanted to see yo

I’m afraid to look at him, but find his

anyway as I sit. So familiar and comfort

which makes him slightly terrifying. Though, baround him is a lot less scary now that I k

what it’s like to be without him.

“So.” Nate sits on the bench the same wa

I am—a leg on each side so we can see

other better. “Is this what you really want?”

“What?” I’m not even sure what “this” is

now.“For us to start over?”

“Yeah. I mean, I think so.”

“That’s not good enough.” He shakeshead. “Do you  want us, or do you wan

because I  do? Because I can’t take you wal

away from us again.”

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I open my mouth to speak, but I can’t sa

Why can’t I tell him that this is what I want?

he’s what I want? That he stood in front of

and all I could think was that he was everythin“You rejecting me by running awa

understood, because I understand you. And e

you avoiding me. I hated it, but I know

Sam. I understood. But turning me away toface? That was different.”

He’s so right. And he should hate me for a

those things—not only because of the last ostill can’t speak.

He sighs. “I can’t be in a relationship on

own.”

He starts to lift his leg to swing it over, bhold my hand up, stopping him, unable to lif

eyes from the bench.

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Here I am about to lose probably the only

who would put up with me, and he’s perfec

me in a million different ways, and now I’m tr

to find words.“I’ve never wanted anyone or anything

way I want to be around you, and that scare

hell out of me.” It’s hard to breathe, but

determined to get it out. “I don’t know how twith someone that I feel so much for.

terrifying. People may seem good, but they’re

always good, and I—”

His hand cups my cheek as his thumb str

my jaw. “This is all I want from you.”

“All you want? This is everything.” I finally

the courage to look at him and he’s smilingperfect, soft smile.

“So. We start over. You being honest.

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being honest. Everything in the open.”

“Start over.” I nod.

It’s not so scary now that I know we w

ust jump back in to where we were.

“And no more about you not being g

enough for me. I chose you. You chose me.

one is perfect. But we fit together. I never ayou for perfect.”

I nod. “You didn’t have to. I want it

myself. I want to be worthy of you.”

He laughs and tilts my chin so I’m lookinghis dark eyes. “You are. You’re the most wo

girl I know. You think I would’ve wasted

whole summer for someone who wasn’t wor

But you have to believe in yourself too. Let g

all that other stuff. I don’t care about it. W

starting new. And every time you even try to

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me up on a pedestal, I’m going to do somet

to jump off it.”

I grin. “Like what?”

His fingers trace my jaw and curl around

ears. “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll become r

anal and take like fifteen showers a day.”

I bite my lip. “Maybe I’ll join you for those“I hope so. Now, come dance with me.”

holds out his hand, and I take it. “This is w

we started, and this is where we’ll start o

Okay?”“Are you going to embarrass me by dan

out here with no music?” I stand up and wai

him to hold out his arms for me to step in.

His familiar hands slides around my w

bringing our hips together.

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“I can hum if you like,” he teases.

“Oh.”

He starts to move his hips, and wit

conscious thought, I match his steps.

“We’re starting over, and we’re starting

the salsa?” I ask.

“Definitely.”“Isn’t that a little sexy?” I tease even thou

feel shaky and sort of in disbelief at what

moving toward.

“I hope so.”

“Are you going to try and have sex with m

our first date?” I whisper.

“Probably.”“So now we’re getting somewhere.” I le

body move with his.

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“Somewhere really, really good.” His h

slides up my arm until our fingers clasp toge

and we continue the salsa in the middle of

woods, alone, on the day I realize how crazlove with this man I am.

 

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About the Authors

Jolene Perry is most often seen behind

laptop, fingers flying across the keyboard

reckless abandon.She survived growing up in rural Ala

driving like a lunatic, and her husband’s car

in the military, as a law student, and now a

Alaska State Prosecutor. She also survived ba middle school math teacher using her degre

political science, foreign relations, and French

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She started writing when she ran out of m

for books and hasn’t stopped since.

You can find Jolene at the following places

www.jolenebperry.com

or her blog

www.jolenesbeenwriting.blogspot.com

on Twitter athttp://twitter.com/jolenebperry

Janna Watts is the pen name for one of JoPerry’s collaboration partners. Or possibly sh

one of Jolene’s imaginary friends who s

mysterious tweets and texts in the middle o

night. Either way, she’s generally harmless exwhen it comes to her fierce loyalty for her fri

and family. You can find her on Twitter

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http://twitter.com/Janna_Watts

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Look for these titles by Jolene Perry

 

 Now Available:

Spill Over Knee Deep

 Night Sky

My Heart For Yours

 Insight Series

Insight

Manipulation

Seeker 

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Coming Soon:

 

Falling

All I Want

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Sometimes falling in love changes things y

don’t expect it to…

Spill Over 

© 2012 Jolene Perry

Antony loves his life in New York. He lo

living with his mother and wearing desi

clothes. He loves his private tutors for hschool. It’s practically necessary since his m

travels the world as a reporter for NBC.

When an assignment overseas gives her

opportunity of a lifetime, she sees it as a ch

for Antony to get to know his dad - a guy str

enough to live on a boat. Near dreary Se

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Antony’s sure that the next few months will

like a lifetime. He and his dad can’t even fill

five-minute conversation on his birthday call.

When he meets Amber, the girl from five bdown, his prospects perk up, but whe

becomes very clear, very fast, that all she’s

is friendship, Antony wonders if he’ll survive

next three months.

He is absolutely. Completely. Tot

Displaced.

And then tragedy hits.Spill Over is a novel about love, loss,

figuring out what’s actually important.

njoy the following excerpt for  Spill Over:

“What?” Her nose almost touches my ch

putting our lips dangerously close together.

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“I like you.” That’s my smooth line? I cou

come up with anything more clever than that?

But her eyes practically sparkle as she lean

Finally, touching her lips with mine has bec

more of a need than anything I’ve imagined

long time. Just before our lips touch, she t

away.

“Where are you going?” I try to laugh

don’t pull it off.

“We’re climbing the tower, silly.” She

ahead of me.“You’re killing me, Amber.”

Her laughter floats through me, punching h

in the darkness.I jog to catch up to her. The tower is st

tall, with only tiny windows for light on

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winding staircase leading to the top. Her

steps on the boards are all I can hear,

blackness is nearly complete once I step insid

When I break back out into the sun at theof the stairs, I pinch my eyes shut for a

moments before daring to open them. The v

from up here is even better than below.

“Wow.” I step to the railing on the edge,

rest my arms there, looking across the ocean

scattered islands.

“I know. Worth it, huh?” Her hands touchwaist from behind me and slowly slide around

stomach.

There’s no way she could know that th

one of my favorite ways to be touched. Her cpresses against my back and then her face as

rests her head on my shoulder blade.

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“Very worth it,” I answer. My arms res

top of hers, and I slide our fingers together.

She’s practically begging me to kiss her

pressed into me like this.

I turn around and take her in my arms.

She stretches up. I lean down. Her br

touches my lips.“Not yet.” She breathes out, spins around

runs for the hole to the stairs.

“Oh come on!” I laugh. “Surely I’ve earn

by now!” Killing me. But this little game we going on is also pretty awesome. Distractin

nothing else.

She laughs back and disappears into blackness below.

I take one last look around and head for

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steps.

The stairs look even blacker than before, b

move into the darkness. Her hand takes m

She’s just a blur. My eyes aren’t adjustesmell her breath and then feel her lips ag

mine, sending a wave of want through me.

fingers slide together. I lean forward and fee

smooth lips again. I need more of her. She even better than I’ve been imagining.

Warm. Comfort. Electric.

She laughs and pulls away, running downstairs.

“Wait!” My eyes have adjusted. Now I

see her.

Her laughter turns to shrieks as I get clobut she’s fast and escapes my grasp.

disappears into the light. I run out behind her

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the sun hits my eyes, and once again I

unable to see. She grabs my shirt from the

and pulls me toward her as she leans agains

side of the rock tower.“There’s something sorta nice about b

disoriented, isn’t there?” She’s as breathles

me.

I start to laugh again, but she pulls me

close. I don’t have time to think about ho

want to touch my lips to hers, we just do. S

warm, tastes sweet, and it feels like sometbig, something important. We’re finally kis

the way I’ve been thinking about for way

long.

I lose myself in her, in her mouth, the whaven’t since maybe my first kiss ever. I p

our bodies together as I pull her closer. I

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Amber in my chest, in places where I still

like pin pricks on a fresh bruise. As if this sim

act of liking her, of really liking her, compl

changes what a kiss is.

COPYRIGHT

All rights reserved.Printed in the United States of America.

o part of this book may be used or reproduin any form or by any means electronic

mechanical, including photocopying, record

or by any information storage and retr

systems, without prior written permission oauthor except where permitted by law.

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Published by

ext Door Publishing

Copyright Septemnber 2012

The characters and events portrayed in this b

are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, li

or dead is coincidental and not intended byauthors.