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Page 153 REFERENCES Adler, A. Allport, G.W. Allport, G.W. Angyal, A. Angyal, A. Angyal A. Barrett, W. Barrow, R. kl hat life should mean to you. London: Unwin Books, 1971 (1932). Becoming; basic considerations for a psychology of personalit y. New Haven: Yale University Press, 1955. Pattern and growth in personality. New York: Holt, Rinehart & Winston. 1961 A theoretical model for personality studies. In D. Krech and G.S. Klein (Eds.), Theoretical models and personality theory. Durham N.C.: Duke University Press, 1952. Angyal,A. Foundations for a science of personality. Cambridge, Massachusetts: Harvard University Press, 1958. Neurosis and treatment; a holistic theory. New York: John Wiley & Sons, 1965. Irrational man; a study in existential philosoph y. New York: Doubleday, 1962. Moral philosophy for education. London: George Allen & Unwin, 1975. Berelson, B. Content analysis in communication research. Glencoe, Illinois: Free Press, 1952. Berne. E. Games people play; the psychology of Inman relationships. London: Andre Deutsch, 1966. Bettelheim, B. The informed heart; autonomy in a maw' age. New York: Free Press of Glencoe, 1960. Bettelheim, B. The empty fortress. infantile autism and the birth of self. New York: The Free Press, 1967. Bettelheim, B. The children of the dream. New York: Avon Books, 1969. Bettelheim, B. Surviving and other essays. New York: Vintage Books, 1980. Binswanger, L. The case of Ellen West. In R. May, E. Angel and H.F. Ellenberger (Eds.), Existence; a new dimension in psy chiatry and psychology. New York: Basic Books, 1958.

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REFERENCES

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Angyal A.

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Appendix A

INTERVIEW WITH DIANA

I: Well, I'm interested in understanding the meaning of autonomyin individual lives, and with the women I'm talking to I wantto talk about their sense of how their life is going, senseof who they are, sense of self-direction, or their lack ofself-direction and what they are up against..

Maybe it's a bit hard coming straight into it, but if I askyou how you feel about how your life is going at the moment,in the sense of direction, or to what extent you feel you dohave a sense of direction, maybe we could start there.

(Unintentionally.. I ask about a sense of "direction"rather than a sense of "self-direction",)

D: Not connected with a sense of autonomy?

You feel that what I've said is not connected with a sense ofautonomy.

D: I'm asking you. Do you want me just to talk aboutdirection, myself and those around me, or myself?

I: Within the context of those around you, if possible.(In response to Diana 's firm request, I gave a directanswer.)

D: I feel probably - I won't say for the first time in my life -I'm trying to think of other times when I've felt the same,had an idea of where I was going before, but there haven'tbeen too many of those times, but at the moment., yeah, well,I feel I know where I'm going. Of course there's a lot ofthings that hinge on it. I suppose I'm thinking mainly incareer terms, I think, although it's sort of an openquestion. That's one of the things, one of the areas thatcomes to me first, I suppose. Is this the sort of - on theright track?

I: Yes, yeah.(The "right track" for Re is to follow the contentintroduced by Diana.)

D: I've got a three-year contract and one year's gone andthere's two years to go, and those two years are all right,because I can see where they are. After those two yearsthere's the possibility that this job won't be continued andI've thought about that a lot and I feel it's all right with

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me and that there's other things I can do. It won't be adisaster. There's other things I can do if the job's notrenewed. Or even if it is renewed there's no reason why Ishould stick in this town just because there's a job, becauseI'd be quite happy to move somewhere else. I really don'tlike this town and yet I seem to be stuck here. I don't likethe cold and I don't like the bareness. And I like the seaand I like green and warmth. So hingeing on all thesethings, I'd be quite happy at the end of two more years to goto a job somewhere warmer, or to stay here and do nothing asfar as this kind of work is concerned, or to go somewhereelse and do nothing as far as this kind of work is concerned.What was my other choice? I'm lost now. Or to stay in thejob here, I suppose. So it's like four different directionsthat I could see.

I: So you have looked ahead and you have thought about where youmight direct your energies over a period of three or fouryears.

D: Well, yeah, I suppose, the next two years taking me up to apoint where some decision will be made. So in the next twoyears I'm willing to stay where I am. But after that pointsomething will happen. I don't know what'll be thesomething. I don't want to feel that if the job is renewedthat I'm just staying because I'm not doing anything about mylife. Like that I'm just staying because I'm not making achoice. I want to be able to say to myself, "I'm making thechoice to stay."

I: So you want to feel as though you're active in that choiceand you know why you're staying.

D: Right, right.

I: You weigh up the alternatives of going to a more pleasantclimate against the possibilities in the job here for you.

D: Right, yes.

I: And so that will be a decision point again, whatever happens.

D: Right, yes. So in two years time, a decision point.

Yes. Uh-huh. So that's career-wise. And you really feelquite easy about that at the moment.

D: Yes. That one's a good one because -

I: It feels good?

D: Yeah, because there's been some soul-searching I supposerecently, with the realization that there mightn't be a job,and that there mightn't be a job in this field anywhere in

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Australia, nice warm climate and sea and everything as well.So, I can face that decision. The other part of.. career, Isuppose, is writing, which I want to develop more, but Inever seem to find very much time to do. Because when I gethome at night I'm too tired and I realise there's no sense indoing it then. Early in the morning I like a bit of asleep-in, or Katie wakes up, or something, so there's notime. (Katie is Diana 's twelvemonth old baby.) And the onlytime I can do it is the weekends and I like to do about threehours on the weekends. So that's a very slow way of writinga book. Which I'm doing. So that's another direction thatI'm putting my energies into. And that's really wanting tofinish the book - the novel - that I'm writing.

I: But if you're only putting three hours in it, as you say, tosome extent you're up against circumstances that are makingthat difficult to get on with.

pick up the point that there are obstacles in the wayrather than that Diana is motivated to finish the book."Up against" and 'difficult" are my words.)

D: Yeah. I mean I know that to be a good writer et cetera youfind time. But I'm - I have to have the right amount ofenergy and awakeness. Otherwise I can't do it. So I thinkwell if I can find those three hours, ahh (sighs) and itmeans organising everybody else to give me that time, then Ican plod on. That a very - it's going to be a very slow andlong-term project. But I'm doing it and I'm up to page ahundred and sixty-two, writing longhand, so that's not toobad, of the first draft. So if I can keep at it - I don'tknow in terms of time when it will be finished, but I can nowsee whereas perhaps I couldn't see this time last year whenit was still hanging about - it's been hanging about foryears - that it will be finished. So, it will be finished -sometime.

I: So you feel that you're moving a bit on that now. From whatyou say you feel better about it now than you did twelvemonths ago.

D: Yeah. Because I've done.., perhaps a hundred and thirtypages - it sounds really piddly, doesn't it - but perhaps ahundred and thirty pages in the last year. So there's agreat difference between being up to page thirty and being upto page a hundred and sixty-two. So, yeah, I feel that it'sgoing somewhere - very, very slowly, but it's going somewhere- at the first draft.

I: Yes. So part of you would like it to move along faster butpart of you is feeling a least you're achieving -

D: Right

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t. So that's another direction, yes anotherthat I want to go in.

You feel that's an important part of you, the writingproject.

Yes, righdirection,

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., a little progress.

D:

D: Yeah. I'd like to find more time for doing different sortsof writing., articles., sort of got vaguely in my mind aboutan article on "die-back" in this area but.. I was thinking ofwriting to Ceo Mgazinetoday and asking them whether they'reinterested, If they write back and say they are interested Ithink I'll have a bit of a u-urp in my stomach (makes aburping noise) because I'll think, "Where am I going to findthe time to do it?" But I'd like to do it.

I: So you're kind of up against time.(Again, "up against" is my phrase. Diana is morepositive. "I'd like to find more time.." "Where am Igoing to find the time.. 7')

D: And energy, I think. Energy, perhaps, as well.

I: So it's demands from outside or lack of energy from inside..?

D: Tiredness after the work here.. (The interview was held atDiana 'splace of work.)., a difficulty with being able - Arrh- we - John and I try to always sort it out. You know, hewants time too, to do what he wants to do. (John is Diana'spartner.) And there's Katie. So she has to be looked afterin some sort of a way. You know somebody's attention has tobe on her, and you can't write and be watching Katie or youcan't be repairing the car, or something, and be watchingKatie. So somebody has to be looking after her and we bothneed our own time. So it's a matter of balancing out shorttime, I guess, and sorting that out.

I: Do you feel that you are sorting that out to your ownsatisfaction as best you can at the moment or do you feeldemands and restrictions?

D: I think what goes on now is a compromise. Of course I'd likemore time. But even if I've got the opportunity for moretime the demands and restrictions come from myself, not fromJohn. He doesn't..He says, "Look its your day. Do what youlike". But I still feel, "Oh hell, maybe I should help himwith the washing." So it's me who imposes those demands andrestrictions on myself. In fact I find it very difficult tohave a day for myself even when he says, "It's your day."

I: So the feeling I should help him with the washing, perhaps wecould look at that, the "should"..

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D:

Right.

I:

In a sense it's either you're choosing to do it or you'refeeling it's from outside and you "should"..

D: Well, it's not from him, if that's what you mean by"outside". So it's from within -

I: Or from further outside - the expectations of the widersociety?

D: No. It's - it's purely me that the "should" is coming from.Because I feel, "Well, he's had Katie all week," or,"It's abig wash" or... or something. So it comes from me. I findit difficult to, whatever you might call it, look aftermyself and give myself that period of relaxation or whateveryou might call it, spare time, relaxation time in which I cando what I like. So that - that limits my - I limit myautonomy I suppose, my.. something to do with myself.. Ican't really you know - I could draw a picture of itsomehow..

I: O.K. Let's explore that a bit. Just imagine you're drawingthat picture. How would you draw it?

D: It's something like.. Something round.. With me in the middlesomehow. Like a fence or a wall or a hedge, with me sittingin the middle, say with my novel or reading a book or doingsome embroidery or listening to a record., perhaps sittingunder a tree. Something like that. But I construct this -er well, how can I put it..? No. The picture would be thehedge or the wall, but me making little gaps in it somehow,and through those gaps I can see things that I should bedoing. I can see Katie, I can see the washing and I can seeAndrew. (Andrew is Diana's son,) And because I can see themI feel I should be going out of my little hedgey area anddoing those things somehow.

I: How do you feel as you sit in the middle of that centralarea?

D:

If I could see or if I couldn't see?

I:

Umm... You can see, can't you?

D:

Well I make.. I make the holes in the hedge.

I: You make the holes.

D: Yeah. If I could not.. If I could stop myself from makingthe holes.. stop myself from feeling guilty or worrying orwhatever you might call it, I'd feel good, yeah, that'd begood, to be able to.. I'd see it as a terribly indulgentluxury to be able to sit and do what you really wanted to do

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yourself for say a day. And yet I have that opportunitygiven to me every weekend and I never fully take advantage ofit.

I: You make the gaps and you look through and you think I shouldbe out there.

D: Mmm, am.

I: So you choose to leave that alone-ness and go out and be withother people who perhaps you think need you.

surest a reason for Diana's concern for others.)

D: I don't know whether it's needing me. I don't think it's aresponse to their need. Mmm.. maybe in a way. Um just sortof a.. No, they probably mightn't even need me at all..John's quite capable of doing the washing by himself.Katie's quite capable of entertaining herself just sitting ather daddy's feet. Andrew's quite capable of going for a rideon his bike or whatever. No, it's me imposing something onmyself. This is quite good talking like this! (1au0.5.7) UmI'm imposing something on myself - just a feeling of should.I should be there, I should be doing this, I should beletting.. I should be.. Yes, somehow I should be freeingother people so that they can feel all right, or something -I think that part of it, mightn't be all of it.. Like, if weget the washing done then John'll have time too to do what hewants to do. Something like that.

I: So it's more or less a need on your part to move other peopleinto a position that you imagine will free them.

D: Yeah. I don't know whether I'd put it as strongly as a need,but maybe it is. But yes, I think you're right, you've putit succinctly, but, yeah, it's what I imagine they want, yes.I might be completely wrong - in fact John's quite oftentelling me I'm wrong. He's all right., he's doing the washingby himself; why don't I go away and., and do what I want todo. Yeah, yes. You're right I'm imposing my expectation orsomething on those around me. Yeah, mm.

I: And somehow you feel that it would be possible not to do that- you could sit in that area by yourself getting on with yourown activities.

D: Mm. If only I could let myself. If only I could., block outthe feeling that I should be out there somehow. Perhaps notblock out - maybe I should come to terms with it or recogniseit and do something about it, or I don't know..

I: So you don't want to block it out. Maybe you still want tosee out through the gaps.

D: Yeah, but not feel bad about it. Yeah.

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I: Okay, when you feel bad about it, where do you feel bad? Youput your hand here !'mimicking hand on stomach).

I: Must be.. You know I don't - wasn't conscious., but then youpointed out I did it.. So feeling bad about it is sort ofupper stomach, diaphragm sort of place.. Yeah, to be able tosit and look out and see the washing going on, or something,and feel all right about sitting doing what I want to do,would mean feeling all right totally, feeling not just mymind saying. "It's all right to be sitting here", but somehowmy body feeling relaxed about it.

I: Okay. Can you think of a time when you have felt relaxedabout it, feeling totally all right about being there doingyour own thing?

D: Yeah. I think nearly every weekend I have a little time ofthat feeling, but there's still a feeling that I'm limitingmyself by time somehow. So I've said to John, "Is it allright if I write for an hour and a half?" And he says, youknow, "Course it's all right. It's your time. Do what youlike." But I always have to ask -

I: You have to ask.

D: Have to ask, yes.

I: You impose that on yourself.

D: Yes, right. Getting permission.

I: So you ask permission to do your own thing, have your ownspace to yourself.

D: Right, yes, right.

I: And if the answer is yes -

D: The answer is always yes, because I only ask when the answerwill be yes.. You know what I mean (laughs) .

I: You're not really at the stage where you say, "I want thisspace."

(.1" assume that there are "stages" in aotonemy.)

D: No, I might say, "I would like", I won't say, "I want". Yes,mm. "I would like this space if it's all right with youlot." And if anybody says no, or looks funny, or Katiecries, or Andrew says "Oh, but.." or John says, "How about wedo this..", I'll say no ri.e to herself).

I: Mm. Mm. So there is a compromise. You are in a compromiseposition perhaps between what you want for yourself and theother demands on your time.

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D: Yes. It's not a happy compromise, I don't think.

I: It's not a happy compromise.

D: No. Um.. I'm just thinking of last weekend. John went awaythe weekend before, I think it was, to see some relatives.So he said, "I'm having some days doing what I want to do,three days. When I come back you can have three days to dowhat you want to do." Because usually we split up theweekend, so that Saturday we both do the shopping and all thehousework. Sunday or Monday will be my day or his day. So Ihad three days up my sleeve because he was going away. Thearithmetic wasn't right but (iabAw) we decided on threedays. But Sunday came and I sat down and I did a bit ofwriting and I don't know, Katie cried, or Andrew came in, orsomething disturbed the whole thing, and we all sort ofstarted to talk again and John said, "Well, how about.. It'dbe nice to go for a picnic, because it's a nice day and justcoming into autumn. It'd be lovely", you know. I didn'treally want to go for a bloody picnic at all! I wanted tostay and have my day.

I: You feel quite strongly about it.

D: Yes!

I: You didn't want to go for a bloody picnic!

D: (sqa6athaL11, 1 I didn't! But I went. I mean I enjoyed itwhen I got there but it wasn't really what I really and trulywanted to do. But for the sake of Katie and Andrew and Johnand the fact that it was a nice day, I did go for a picnic.So because it's the weekend I guess there has to becompromises because Andy's home from school and he doesn'twant to not see mummy for sort of days at a time orsomething. So I guess there's compromises but I'm not happyabout them.

I: How do you feel that being "not happy"?

D: Sort of a resentment somehow.

I: You're shaking your shoulder.

D: Yeahrrrr. Irritable, I suppose.

I: So there's a bodily feeling that goes with that compromise.

D: Mmm. Somehow in the shoulders, I think.. I"m feeling itlike a burden on my back somehow, like a heavy pack, buthigh, not where you'd wear a pack - sort of low - but high,here., base of the neck sort of place.

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I: You're kind of weighing your head down.. It's quite high onyour shoulders.

D: Right, yeah.

I: Do you carry that all the time?

D: I think I carry it a lot of the time.. Not all the time.I've bought myself a bicycle -

I: Okay, can we get in touch with when you don't have that -

D: I was just going to say when I'm riding to work and homeagain, although it might be quite hard yacca, I don't think Ido have that feeling - of heaviness, of compromise, the packon my back.

I: Okay, what sort of feeling do you have then?

D: Um.. Especially when I'm coming down D Street - and it'squite a big hill, it's a terrific feeling, every morning,just to go ssrrr (whistles). Whizz down on a bicycle - nobrakes, no pedalling or anything. It's a very free feeling.My hair wild., in the wind.. It's a really good feeling! Forthe first few times when I did it I was really scared I wasgoing to come off - or I'd better grab the brakes, and I wentdown the hill sort of hanging on to the hand-brakes. I'm notused to hand-brakes - I learned to ride with a foot-brake.So the brakes would be half on as I came down the hill. Butnow - like this morning, Ho! I came down there so fast! Nobrakes! And I thought, Oh! Shoot! I might come off at thebottom but bloody hell, this is great! you know, cars behindme and everything! So I feel in my body a feeling of freedomwhen I do that with the bike - there's more tension in thebody when I'm sort of pushing back up in the evening. Butthat's probably one of the highlights of my day - to comedown the hill on a bicycle!

I: And that's a feeling of freedom - of really being totallythere.

D: Yes, yes.

And the heaviness on your back is gone.

D: No awareness of any tension at all now. I mean in the firstfew times there was tension in my arms, hanging on like hell,you know, but now I just brrpp Oakes a letting -go souna)

-I'm relaxed I think. I'm alert, but relaxed, and justenjoying the feeling.

I: And you thought of that experience to contrast it with theheaviness -

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D: Yes, I did.

I: .. that you feel when you're not really being yourself inchoosing -

D: Well, I suppose I am being myself because myself is probablymore likely to be compromised than free.

I: Okay.

D: So that the free part of me is very little., and the otherpart is very big.

I: Uh-huh. How do you feel about that?

D: I think it's crook! You know, putting it in these verbalterms to you, which I haven't realized before. That's..that's crook that I hang on so much. Hang on? Like acontrol somehow..

(ffe.re the first side of the cassette tape ran out and a11 the of the conversation was not recorded.)

D: No, when I said that I was thinking of - I don't know whyexactly, you know, you'll to have to help me explore that - Iwas thinking about being married to David, and something mademe think I needed to then. (David is Diana's exhusband.)But John's really.. He give me examples in himself oflooking after himself, of putting his feet up with a book.Whereas I can't put my feet up with a book or look out thewindow or something without thinking u-ugh I should be doingsomething. But he can just do it. So I think there's thiswonderful example all the time. He can do it and he alsogives me permission - or I see myself having permission to doit. But as I say there's very little., that's a very littlepart of me that allows herself to be free.

I: So there's something that you're taking with you all the timefrom the past perhaps that is stopping you from acceptingthat permission.

D: Mmm. (apreeing.L. Yeah. I'm not sure where it comes from Imean like., well.. I was thinking of my mother - my fatherwasn't at home when I was a kid.. So.. My mother is just tome the most selfish person in the world. She just reallylooks, I suppose., looks after herself. I mean she doesn'tlook after herself in a nice way, in a way that would makeher grow in any sort of a way, but she just does what shebloody well pleases. You know, hang everybody round her,really. So it isn't the example of her. Perhaps it's livingwith her that I've.. maybe I've gone to the other extreme, orsomething. Feeling well, you should care for the peoplearound you, you should do the washing, you don't just leaveit in stinking piles on the floor and hope it'll disappear orsend it up to the laundrette or get somebody else to do it;

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that you've got obligations within the family. Maybe theseobligations are just too big - I mean I've made them too bigand haven't made a balance between doing what you want to doand doing what you have to do, I suppose.

I: So this conflict between doing what you want to do and whatyou have to do is somehow for you an internal thing.

D: Yeah, yeah. It's no longer being imposed on me in any way.I think David used to impose it on me in very subtle ways: henever would come out and say "A woman's place is in the home"but that was the message that I got all the time, until I didsomething like get out of the home. And he still never saidanything, but sort of years later said I was a terriblemother because I had a job for two hours a day. So hemightn't have said it, but I knew it. But now I'm reallyfree or freed by John staying at home to look after Katie.I'm free to do what I want. But I don't !

I: You're freed but you're not free.

D: Yeah, yeah.

I: You could do what you want but you don't.

D: Yeah. Well.. I stop myself.

I: You choose to stop yourself?

D: No I don't choose to. I do it. Oh, well, maybe sometimes Ichoose, like the picnic. Perhaps that was a choice.. I didchoose to go on a picnic. I didn't have to. I think I didhave the feeling at the time, "I can make a choice aboutthis." And I chose to go on a picnic.

I: But you still felt angry and irritated.

D: Yeah, I did. I wasn't happy about going.

I: So maybe it wasn't a free choice.. maybe it wasn't a choice:

D: Not in the sense of real freedom of choice. No.. no.. no.

I: I think we might stop there, Diana.

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Appendix B

PERSONAL NOTES

This appendix contains two kinds of personal notes. The first set Ihave called Research Notes. They were written on 22/7/81 during theinterviewing phase of the research. They were an attempt on my partto set down some thoughts and memories about my experiences related toautonomy. The second set, Journal Excerpts, were not premeditated orplanned in any way. They are excerpts from my ongoing personaljournal which is loosely based on the methods of Progoff (1963,1975).As the inclination takes me, at irregular intervals, and at varyinghours of the day or night, I write in my Journal, usually not knowingwhat I will write until my pen forms the words. During the period ofthis research project my Journal contained many entries about problemsor progress related to the research. Some key excerpts are includedhere in the hope that they will further illustrate some of thepersonal aspects of phenomenological research.

Research Notes

22/7/81

1. My desire for autonomy stems from an awareness of my ownindividuality. I have a certain individuality that I want to protectand express. I want to find ways of further developing and expressingthis individuality even though I make mistakes. I want to be my ownperson and undertake my own projects despite the time and effort ittakes and the uncertainty of the outcome.

2. I have known since I was a small child that it was important to meto be ME; in my own way. As I grew up I became aware of the power ofmy father over me. A strict, Christian man, he could overwhelm me withhis rules for me, if I let him. I felt he could tell me how to act,how to feel, what to do, what to refrain from doing. "Don't smoke.""Don't drink." "No knitting on Sunday." "No dancing." "Norisk-taking." But I knew: "I want to be what I want to be. I don'twant to be a replica of my father." I loved him, though, and on thewhole I obeyed him. I learned to cope with his powerful influence overme by withdrawing from his presence, or by keeping my thoughts tomyself. Mostly I conformed because I feared his anger. Later, as Igrew older, I conformed because I feared his ill-health if I stressedhim. Inwardly, I held in reservation what my own choice in anysituation would be. Occasionally, I was outwardly defiant.

3. My mixed reaction to my father provided a pattern for my responseto authority figures that stayed with me for many years, and to somedegree is still with me. It limits my autonomy.

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4. Autonomy is a strong sense of "I", knowing what I want for myself.I want, I will, I will not, I don't want to, Yes, No, Wait, Later,Maybe, Perhaps. Making a decision, postponing a decision.

5. Other constraints limit my autonomy - the elements, the weather,finance, transport, the environment, the resources available, otherpeople, my own body.

6. Sometimes I drift and lose my autonomy. Take the easy, compliant,role. Do little, drift, sleep, behave routinely, postpone decisions.Forgetfulness of being rather than mindfulness of being.

7. Autonomy implies a self - getting to know oneself, one'slimitations, one's needs, listening to oneself, and choosing on thisbasis. Taking responsibility, being resilient, standing firm.

Journal Excerpts

30/4/80

I went to hear Bruno Bettelheim give a lecture as part of a promotionfor his new book, Surviving and other essays.... Browsing in his booktonight, the term, a strongpersona1 identity, hit me. This is a termI can use. It equals autonomy. I am a person who, I am a person whowill, I am a person who will not, I am a person who is able, I am aperson who has, I am a person who wants. A strong personal identity.Ego ,strength. "I".

8/11/80

The last few weeks have been a time of not getting on with a projectin phenomenological research. In this sense it has been a time of notdoing. I am trying to discover a direction. I sense that animportant part of me doesn't want to go in the direction of theDuquesne University research group.... What is the alternative?

16/3/81

I experience in my own life the conflict of autonomy versus shame anddoubt. Even right now as I debate whether to continue with thisthesis or to abandon it, I am fighting self-doubt. My ego is strong,yes, but so too is my self-doubt, and it rises and takes hold of me,and threatens my attempt at autonomous work. My body is on the sideof doubt. It wants to withdraw, to hide, to curl up, to collapse, toflop, to give up. I say no to collapsing or withdrawing, but it isnot easy.

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21/7/81

There is a high price to be paid for autonomy. You have to persevere.You have to have resilience. RESILIENCE - there it is - not easy!Difficult periods have to be lived through before the life striving tobe expressed takes a shape and form of its own.

Autonomy is the expression of the degree to which one is exploring thepossibilities of a situation for oneself - exercising any power onehas to test the possibilities of that situation.

How can I test the possibilities of my present situation?1. I shall not give up.2. I shall keep working on the data I have.3. I shall be ready to listen to suggestions.

23/7/81

This is my course: this completing of my thesis is my task. I do notwant to turn my back on it, to give up. I want to make something ofit and pursue it. Both the method and the topic are worth getting thebetter of in some way - in a way that will give me my Masters and somesense of achievement. So on with it.

There is no part of me that says give it up.Part of me that is sick: "Give up, drown yourself, die, fall down,weep, cry, feel down-hearted, sleep all day."JAvIthrixtrit Take iron tablets. Get plenty of sleep.

3/2/82

Choice, choice, choice. It is my choice to do this thesis. I amhere. I am involved. I do not need to fear. I need to press on. Ineed to produce. I need to narrow the task for each day. I can doit. It is the task I have set myself. I will not turn back. It iswhat I want to do. It is what I will do.

5/2/82

Rollo May (1971,p.347): "If the artist does not throw himself into hiswork like a soldier into the breach, unreflectingly; and if in thatcrater, he does not dig like a miner buried under a fall of rock...the work will never be completed: it will perish in the studio, whereproduction becomes impossible, and the artist looks on at the suicideof his own talent."

18/2/82

I feel at the moment that I am groping in the dark. What aspect ofhuman experience am I trying to research? The defiant "I have to be

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me" aspect? Defiance, stubbornness, wilfulness? Self-expression,self-direction? Autonomy incorporates the notion of struggle,striving. A self-conscious awareness of ourselves as persons and ofthe struggle to be.

22/2/82

Autonomy also incorporates the notion of going /flowing /moving in thedirection that feels right.Carl Rogers: "I grope forward and this direction feels good and thisone doesn't so I move in another direction.' (Gilbert, 1975)

To become what one can be. To be oneself, to become more oneself. Tobe the person one is, not the person others want one to be. To liveout one's uniqueness.

18/8/82

Surely striving for autonomy is a different thing for differentindividuals, and different at different times. Sometimes it isessentially a matter of living with inner conflict. A clash againstself rather than a clash against others. A determination to keepgoing in the face of seemingly insurmountable difficulties.

10/9/82

"The power is in the patient." It's how to tap it, that's thequestion, and for me this Journal has been the means to that end.Goulding and Goulding wrote about "injunctions, decisions, andre-decisions." They list the injunctions: Don't be. Don't be you(the sex you are). Don't be a child. Don't grow. Don't make it.Don't. Don't be important. Don't be close. Don't belong.

As a child I guess I heard from my parents the injunction, Don't beyou (the person you are): Be the person we want you to be. Be nice,be lady-like, be kind and forgiving (turn the other cheek), beco-operative, be a Christian, be pure and saintly, be a goodchurch-goer, be a non-smoker, a non-drinker, a saintly person. Beinconspicuous, be low-profile, be an easy person to live with.

Don't be different, don't be difficult, don't be a show-off, don't betoo clever, don't risk, don't take risks. No, don't take risks! Playsafe. Be careful. Take care. Go quietly. Go sensibly. Don'toverdo it, don't risk your health. Don't strain yourself. Don't getover-tired. Don't. No, don't. Because we say so.

And to some extent I went along with all that. To some extent, tosome extent. But I didn't know how to handle my disagreement with myparents. I wasn't ready to handle that disagreement. I did what Icould. I resisted internally. I learned how to resist but not how tobe a person who takes risks.

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My whole life is a risk.... Living with the risk of being me, ofgoing public as me, of making mistakes. Of not measuring up.

26/2/83

An individual life that follows the pattern "intended" for it wascalled by Jung individuation, a concept that includes bothindividualization and the spiritual, transpersonal dimension inlife.... Individuation? Individuated autonomy? Some other wordwhich suggests inclusion of the universal? Univated autonomy?Univation? Unividuation? Unonomy? To selve?

5/7/83

Koestenbaum (1978, p.170): "The choice to be an individual is aconstant condition and a permanent need. It is not something doneonce and then forgotten."

13/7/83

A low day again.... Nothing to spur me on. I will have to find thatwithin myself. There is no reward for venturing new things.Autonomy versus shame and doubt. Shame and doubt so easily can getthe upper hand. Despair, despondency versus Tenacity, Persistence.

20/7/83

Phenomenology is not autobiography. It is through me, but it is notme. Very important. For me, I am limited, imperfect, inadequate, anda private person. Yet phenomenology can be done.

31/7/83

I have quietly persisted with my new framework for understanding theperson as an active agent. And that framework consists of six themes:a sense of self, an understanding of choice and responsibility, anawareness of inner conflict, risking action assertively, persistingtoward self-chosen goals, and a sense of personal independence.

23/8/83

Here is my framework: consciousness of choice and responsibility;openness to experience, spontaneity, fluidity; intention towardprojects; assertive action, risk.

William James: "The first act of freedom is to choose it." (Quotedby May, 1969, p. 270)

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24/8/83

Some further changes: a cognitive understanding of choice andresponsibility; spontaneity, fluidity, openness; commitment toprojects; assertive action, risk.

29/8/83

Low feelings again - A seizing-up, a not wanting to keep at it. Hopeit's just a temporary lull.

4/9/83

Is it to be forward or backward? So much of what I have done seemsover-ambitious, overdone.

14/9/83

"Personality is an act of the greatest courage in the face of life,and means the unconditional affirmation of all that constitutes theindividual, the most successful adaptation to the universal conditionsof human existence with the greatest possible freedom of personaldecision. (Jung, 1940, p.286)

24/9/83

Autonomy as selving or Autonomy as independence.Two distinct meanings.

6/10/83

1. a concern with self-development and personal goals2. the capacity for independent decision-making3. the capacity to act assertively4. the capacity to persist toward personal goals5. an attitude of self-acceptance and self-affirmation

I AM, the sense of BEINGWHO I AM: the sense of IDENTITYEXPRESSING WHO I AM: the sense of AUTONOMY

LETTING BE: the sense of transcendence.If I let it my life will fall into place.