008By: Herb Duncan

BOND: Dazed and confused. Ugh..Where am I?

PROFESSOR MAYBE: Good Morning, sunshine.

BOND: Who are you?

PROFESSOR MAYBE: My name is Professor Maybe. This is my hamster, his name is Sir Alfred. Say ‘hello’ to the nice man, Sir Alfred. He says ‘hello.’ I’m so glad you could join us, Mr. Bond. You’re just in time to see me set off my plan for world domination!

BOND: What do you have in mind?

PROFESSOR MAYBE: Let me give you the briefing. Takes out slide projector. This is planet Earth. This is a large missile aimed at the planet Earth. This is the planet Earth with a big hole in it. Evil laugh. Oh! This is me and Sir Alfred at Disney Land!

BOND: What do you want with me, professor?

PROFESSOR MAYBE: Well, for starters, I want to kill you.

BOND: Why?

PROFESSOR MAYBE: Because you’re James Bond. It’s every villain’s dream to kill James Bond.

BOND: But, I’m not really James Bond. Let me explain.

PROFESSOR MAYBE: Well, if you’re not James Bond, then who are you?

BOND: Well, actually, it’s a pretty funny story.

INTRO

BOND: Well, I guess I’ll start when I saw this ad in the newspaper.STEVEN: OK, everyone, first of all, welcome. As we said in our ad, this audition is being held on account of the fact that 007, the world’s number one secret agent is no longer with us.

PERSON IN ROOM: Yeah, what exactly happened to him?

Q: I’ll answer that Steven. Mr. Bond was eaten alive by a band of evil carnivorous salamanders somewhere off the coast of Nigeria.

STEVEN: Although Mr. Bond will always hold a special place in our hearts, there’s a whole lot of word savin’ to do out there folks, and that’s why we’re here.And I know that James would have wanted that his name live on, embodied in the body of some other hot blooded, young, ruffian. Looks at person in the audience, points, smiles. OK, so without further adieu we’re going to get this puppy howlin’ then alright? Great. Applicant number one, you’re up!

APPLICANT NUMBER 1: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

Q: I’m sorry, could you repeat that?

APPLICANT NUMBER 1: The name’s Bond. James Bond. Jamesssss...

Q: I’m sorry, sir, but in order to be a secret agent, you have to lose your lisp.

APPLICANT NUMBER 1: What lisp?

Q: Next! OK. So why do you think you’re qualified for the position of secret agent?

APPLICANT NUMBER 2: Well, I like to work with children.

Q: Very nice. Um, do you by chance have any special skills, Mr. Anderson?

APPLICANT NUMBER 2: I’m handy with the pick axe. Haha.

Q: I’m sure you are, yes. Looks over at Steven. Pick axe! You tell him! No, you tell him! We’ll get back to you, thanks. OK. Moving on, who’s next?

APPLICANT NUMBER 3: Yes, I’m going to be performing a little routine I put together inspired by the Broadway musical of the early 1980's. Gets himself focused. Musical can be any that you desire. Starts to sing and then is cut off

STEVEN: OK Hold it. I’m sorry, but can somebody please explain to me why this gentleman is dressed like a cat?

Q: I’m sorry, sir, that’s not what we’re looking for.

APPLICANT NUMBER 3: Sung. I really need this job. Oh, God, I need this job.

STEVEN: Security!

APPLICANT NUMBER 3: I’ve got to-hey! Hissing noises.

STEVEN: Um, I hate to interrupt, sir, but I’m afraid we’re just about out of time. Headquarters is getting impatient.

Q: Oh, alright, I’ll just pick the next person who comes in the room to be James Bond.

BOND: Excuse me, did someone drop some whiskers? It was then that I learned that James Bond was dead. They told me they needed a replacement Bond, someone to fill in for him, so I agreed. I began my training the next day.

Q: OK, I’m going to ask you your name, and you’re going to respond how?

BOND: The name’s Bond, James (Turns page in script)

Bond.

Q: Good. Good. Good. Uh, now, let’s try it without the script. What is your name?

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond. My friend’s call me Jimmy. Joke?

Q: No no no...

BOND: I was taught to be a master swordsman.

SENSEI: The blade is like a woman. You must make love to her. Find its erogenous zones. Licks sword.

BOND: That looks painful.

SENSEI: You have no idea!

BOND: I was polished and styled.

STYLIST: Hi, my name is (Hand gesture or just a sound, like Mmmhmm), and I’m gonna be your fashion consultant. Mmm, boyfriend, you gonna need a full-body make-over.

BOND: And, six hours later –

STYLIST: There, that is so much better.

BOND: Well, thank you very much, Mr. Uh....name you decided upon.

STYLIST: And, let me tell you something, Mr. Secret Agent Man, if I ever catch you wearing a black belt with brown shoes again I will personally make sure that you do not live to see tomorrow, do you understand me?

BOND: And finally they said I was ready for my first mission. My assignment was to find you, Professor Maybe, here at the Camel Club Casino in Jamaica. I arrived the next day and began making the rounds.

BARTENDER: Can I get you something to drink, Mr. Bond?BOND: Yeah, um, I’ll have a Shirley Temple...Virgin.

PROFESSOR MAYBE: Oh Sir Alfred, that’s a little girly drink!

BOND: Hey! And, then I ran into one of your henchmen.

HENCHMAN: Come on! Daddy needs a new pair of shoes. Woo!!!

BOND: Nice roll, mind if I join you? I used to be pretty handy with the dice back in my day. (Shakes dice) Yhatzee.

HENCHMAN: This is craps man!

BOND: I know.

BARTENDER: Here’s your drink, Mr. Bond, one Shirley Temple.

BOND: Thank you very much. Takes sip. Mmmm. Takes another sip and a hallucination follows.And I guess that’s how I ended up here. I’m not a secret agent. I’m just a regular guy. My name’s Carl, I work at Taco Grande!.

PROFESSOR MAYBE: Those are good tacos.

BOND: Thanks. So, are you gonna let me go now?

PROFESSOR MAYBE: No, I think I’ll kill you anyway, just for funzies!

BOND: All right, if that’s what the world’s come to, then kill me. I don’t want to live in a world with people like you anyway. Why don’t grow up, and get a real job.

PROFESSOR MAYBE: Like working at Taco Grande!?

BOND: Hey, screw you. I don’t know about you, but I just want to go home, live a normal life, have a family in the suburbs; a beautiful wife.

PROFESSOR MAYBE: Do you think that I could have a beautiful wife?

BOND: Uhhh, no. But maybe you could find some nice..ogre lady.

PROFESSOR MAYBE: Maybe you’re right. OK, Mr. Bond, I’m given up my life of crime. You are free to go. Say ‘good bye’ to the nice man, Sir Alfred. He says ‘good bye.’

BOND: When I returned home the next day, I resigned from the secret agent business. I never saw Professor Maybe or Sir Alfred again. But every now and then, when I see a hamster in a pet store window, or hear a bad German accent, I think about them, and I say a little prayer.