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1Episode 7 – Communication Problems

Fawlty Towers

Episode 7 – Communication Problems

Guest: Number 17, please!

Basil Fawlty: That’ll be fine, thank you!

Sybil Fawlty: Goodbye – _________________________! Hello, Fawlty Towers! Oh, hello,

Mr Hawkins!

Polly Sherman: ______________________________________________________, then!

Guest: __________________!

Syb: Well _____________________________, Mr Hawkins!

Polly: Sorry to keep you!

Mr Yardley: That’s all right - er, you do accept cheques?

Polly: _________________________________, yes!

Syb: Well, _______________________________________________! Yes – no, no,

___________________________________! Goodbye! Oh, Polly!

Polly: Mm?

Syb: Brenda can’t start till Monday – so _______________________________

____________________________?

Polly: Oh, no – ____________________________________!

Syb: Oh, ______________!

Polly: ________________! Thank you, Mr Yardley! Oh, hello –

______________________?

Mr Thurston: Yes!

Alice Richards: __________! _________________________________________, please?

Polly: _______________________ – _____________________________________

_______________! Yes, Mr Thurston?

Rich: ____________?

Thur: Thank you – ____________________________ if you could help-

Rich: _______________________________________!

Polly: ___________________! ______________________________________!

Rich: But _____________________________________! Surely _____________________

_______________________ if you just give me change!


Polly: _____________?

Thur: No, no – ___________________!

Rich: Thank you!

Polly: ____________________!

Thur: Can you tell me how to get to Glendower Street?

Rich: Now – I’ve booked a room and bath

________________________________________!

Polly: Glendower Street?

Thur: Yes!

Rich: _______________________________________!

Polly: Mrs-?

Rich: Mrs Richards – Mrs Alice Richards!

Polly: Mrs Richards, Mr Thurston – Mr Thurston, Mrs Richards! Mr Thurston is the

gentleman ________________________________________!

Rich: __________?

Polly: _______________________________________ I’m attend-

Rich: _____________________ – _____________________!

Polly: Mr Thurston ___________________________, Mrs Richards!

Rich: ______________________________!

Polly: ___________________________, but I hadn’t finished dealing with him! Now

Glendower Street is just on-

Rich: _____________________________________________________? Really, this is the

most appalling service I’ve ever-

Polly: What a good idea! Manuel – could you ____________________________

________________________ in connection with her reservation?

Rich: Now – ___________________________________________ with a bath and a sea

view! I specifically asked for a sea view in my written confirmation – so

___________________________________!

Manuel: Qué?

Rich: ___________?

Man: Qué?

Rich: ____?

Man: Sí!


Rich: ____? ___________? ___________? ____________________________________?

Man: No, no, no, no! Qué – what!

Rich: K Watt?

Man: Sí - qué – what!

Rich: C. K. Watt?

Man: Yes!

Rich: Who is C. K. Watt?

Man: Qué?

Rich: ______________________________, Mr Watt?

Man: Oh, manacher! Ah, Mr Fawlty!

Rich: _____________?

Man: Fawlty!

Rich: ___________________________________, ___________________________?

_______________________________? _____________________________, and he

tells me the manager’s a Mr Watt ____________________!

Man: No, no, no, no – Fawlty!

Rich: _______________? ______________________________________?

Polly: It’s all right, Mrs Richards, he’s from Barcelona!

Rich: ________________________________________?

Man: No, no, no – he is from Swanage!

Polly: And you’re in 22!

Rich: ____________?

Polly: _________________________! Manuel, ______________________________, will

you?

Man: Sí!

Firkin: Very nice stay, Mr Fawlty!

Bas: Ah, _______________________________! Polly, would you get Mr Firkin’s bill,

please? Well, ______________________________________________?

Firk: Oh, __________________________________!

Bas: Oh!

Firk: You’re not by any chance a betting man, Mr Fawlty?

Bas: Er – well ___________________, but-

Firk: Only there’s a very nice little filly running at Exeter this afternoon!


Bas: ________________?

Firk: Dragonfly! Ah!

Bas: Dragonfly?

Firk: Yeah – it’s well worth a flutter – but pay the tax on it before you-

Bas: Well, __________________________________________, yes!

Firk: Very nice!

Bas: _____________________________________________________!

Firk: Well, there you are!

Bas: __________________!

Firk: Bye, Mrs Fawlty!

Syb: Goodbye, Mr Firkin!

Bas: _______________________________ – we should have him stuffed!

Firk: Oh Mr Fawlty! ___________________, ______________, ____________________!

Right?

Bas: Yes, good luck – jolly, ____________________________________! Morning,

Major!

Major Gowen: _____________________, Fawlty!

Bas: ________, ____________?

Syb: What was that about ____________________________________, Basil?

Bas: Oh, _______________________________________, I expect! I- You’re looking very

spruce this morning, Major!

Maj: Saint George’s Day, old boy!

Bas: _____________?

Maj: _________________, ____________? __________________?

Bas: Erm, ______________________, dear? The –

Syb: _______________________, Major!

Bas: Ah – that’s it!

Maj: Going to have a flutter, Fawlty?

Bas: No, no, no, no, no, no!

Syb: No, Basil ____________________________, Major, do you, dear?

Bas: No, ____________, ____________, no – no, that particular avenue of pleasure has

been closed off!

Syb: And _______________________________________________, do we, Basil?


Bas: No, _____________, ___________ – no! The great warning off of May the eighth –

yes, good old Saint George, eh, Major?

Maj: Mm?

Bas: Well he killed a hideous, fire breathing old dragon, didn’t he?

Polly: Ran it through with a lance, ___________________!

Man: Mr Fawlty – Mr Fawlty – is, is Mrs er, – room no like – she want speak to you,

_______________________!

Bas: Ah, ever seen my wife _____________________, Polly? (hard breathing sounds)

Maj: Why, ____________________________ anyway, Fawlty?

Bas: I don’t know, Major – ___________________________________!

Maj: ________________________? But _______________________________________

_________, did he? I mean, he could have er, just ___________________________

___________________!

Man: Ah, here-

Bas: Good morning, madam, ________________________?

Rich: _______________________________?

Bas: _______________________, madam!

Rich: _____________?

Bas: ________________________!

Rich: _____________________________________!

Bas: ___________________________________!

Rich: __________?

Bas: _____________________________________!

Man: Manacher – he manacher!

Rich: Oh – you’re Watt!

Bas: ____________________________!

Rich: ____________?

Bas: ____________________________!

Rich: Yes, I know – ______________________________ – ______________________

________? Now _________________________ – I booked a room with a bath!

When I book a room with a bath, __________________________________!

Bas: _____________________________!

Rich: ________________________________________________ – plus VAT for a room


___________________________!

Bas: _______________________________!

Rich: ______________________________? It’s not big enough to drown a mouse –

_______________________________!

Bas: ____________________________ - I’d show you!

Rich: ________________________ – _________________________________________!

Bas: __________, _________, _________________ ! Er, ___________________

________________________________, madam! Yes, yes, this is it!

Rich: When I pay for a view,

__________________________________________________!

Bas: That is Torquay, madam!

Rich: ___________________________________!

Bas: Well may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay ____________

________________________? ____________________________________,

perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping

majestically-

Rich: ___________________ – _______________________________________________!

Bas: __________________________ – ___________________________________

______________________!

Rich: ___________________________________________!

Bas: Well may I suggest that you consider moving to a hotel

________________________?

________________________________!

Rich: Right! Now – _____________________! ____________________________, ___

______________________________ – however, I shall expect a reduction!

Bas: Why? Because Krakatoa’s not erupting at the moment, or-

Rich: Because _______________________, ___________________________, _________

________________, and ______________________________________!

Bas: No, _______________________ – ___________________!

Rich: What?

Bas: I’ll see if I can fix it, you scabby old bat!

____________________________________!

Rich: ____________?

Bas: ___________________________________________!


Rich: ____________________________?

Man: Qué?

Bas: Madam, don’t think me rude, but may I ask, __________________________

__________________________?

Rich: A what?

Bas: ___________________!

Rich: Yes – __________________________________!

Bas: Would you like me to get it mended?

Rich: _____________? ________________________________________!

Bas: No, it isn’t!

Rich: ____________________________________________________!

Bas: _______________?

Rich: _________________________________! Now, what sort of a reduction are you

going to give me on this room?

Bas: Sixty percent if you turn it on!

Rich: What?

Bas: _____________________________________ – I’m sure she will be delighted to

______________________________!

Rich: _________________________________________!

Bas: __________________________________, __________________?

Rich: What?

Bas: Thank you so much –

___________________________________________________!

Bas: Manuel – Manuel!

Man: Sí?

Bas: Are you going to the betting shop today?

Man: What?

Bas: Oh, __________________________! You go betting shop today?

Man: Oh, sí – ___________________, sí, sí, sí!

Bas: Now, _____________________________________________ – Dragonfly! But –

_______________! Sybil – _______________!


Syb: No, no, _________________ - it’s just a bit buttery with my skin! I think I need

something more, more topazy, for my colouring, you know – ________________!

Have you got – have you got Cosmopolitan there? Well page 42 – you see Bert

Reynolds? Well _______________________________________ looking at James

Caan – _____________________________! Mm! Lovely – all right, ___________

____________________! Oh, Polly!

Polly: Mm?

Syb: Got to check the laundry – _______________________________________________

____________?

Polly: ____________!

Man: Polly, Polly – where Mr Fawlty?

Polly: _______________ – _________________________?

Man: I have money for him – he win on horse! But ___________________ – sh! Mrs

Fawlty – sh!

Polly: Well _________________ – ______________________!

Man: Sí! Hah, hah!

Syb: _____________________, Miss Gatsby! _____________________, Miss Tibbs!

Miss Tibbs: _______________________!

Miss Gatsby: ____________________________!

Both: ________________________!

Rich: _______________________________________________, ____________________

________________________!

Gatsby: ___________________________________?

Tibbs: __________________________________!

Gatsby: Yes – ______________________________________?

Rich: Hello! Girl, ________________________________! ______________________

_________________? ____________________________________________, isn’t

it?

Polly: Well _______________________________!

Rich: ____________?

Polly: Well ___________________________________!

Rich: ____________________?

Polly: ______________________! ___________________________, or ______________


____________________________________?

Rich: _________________________?

Polly: _____________________? ___________________________________________?

Rich: __________________!

Polly: Well _____________________________? Tell me!

Rich: ________________! ___________________!

Bas: Yes? _______________, ____________________!

Rich: There you are – I’ve never met such insolence in my life! ____________

___________________________________________________, and she starts asking

me the most insulting, personal things _____________________________________!

Polly: _____________________________________________________!

Rich: ___________________________, Watt!

Bas: _____________?

Rich: ___________________? _________________________________! ______________

______________________________________ – __________________________

__________________!

Bas: Yes, yes, she thought-

Rich: Then she started asking me the most-

Bas: No, no, no – please listen-

Rich: The most appalling questions about-

Bas: No, no, please, please – I can explain – no, no, you see, _____________________

__________________________!

Rich: _________________________? __________________________________________!

Bas: No, no, no – ________________________!

Rich: What?

Bas: _______________________ – ____________________!

Rich: _________________________________________________?

Bas: I’ll have some ______________________________ immediately! Manuel!

Rich: That doesn’t work either! What were you saying just now?

Bas: _____________________!

Rich: _____________?

Bas: ______________ – ________ – _____ – ________!

Rich: I can’t read that – __________________________! ______________________?


Polly: ________________________, Mrs Richards!

Rich: __________________ – ________________! They’re the only pair I’ve got – _____

________________________________________!

Bas: _______________________-

Rich: Now _______________________________-

Bas: Mrs Richards – Mrs Richards-

Rich: -when I was buying the vase-

Polly: Mrs Richards!

Rich: -I put them on to look at it, and then __________________________________-

Bas: Mrs Richards! __________________________!

Rich: ____________? Well _________________________?

Bas: No, no, no! ___________________!

Rich: What?

Bas: On your – look – on your- Oh!

Polly: __________________________, Mr Fawlty! Manuel asked me ______________

________________!

Bas: What? Oh, oh – thank you, Polly – and Polly! _____________________________,

eh?

Polly: Mm!

Bas: Right!

Polly: Oh, Manuel!

Man: Yes?

Polly: Get some loo paper – muchos – for 22!

Man: I try – sí!

Rich: ________________? ______________________________________________

– __________________?

Polly: Yes!

Rich: ________________________________?

Polly: Yes – but ____________________________________________________________!

Rich: _____________________________________!

Polly: Manuel! What have you got there?

Man: _____________________!


Bas: Evening, Terry! (hums) Do you like er, Cavalleria Rusticana, Terry?

Terry: Well I’ve never had it, Mr Fawlty! _____________________________, Mr Fawlty!

Bas: Had a little bit of luck on the gee-gees, Terry – er, not a word to the trouble and strife,

eh? “Oh, the Camptown ladies sing this song, doo dah, doo dah, the Camptown

racetrack’s five miles long, doo dah, doo dah, day! Going to run all night,

___________

_______________________, going to bet my money on the bob-tailed nag” –

“______

_________________-” ______________________________ – “_________________

_____________________” – _______________!

Syb: You seem very jolly, Basil!

Bas: Mm?

Syb: ____________________________!

Bas: ____________?

Syb: Yes, ____________ – _____________ – ____________!

Bas: Oh, _____________ – yes, ______________________________ – no, not that I’ve

noticed, dear, no – I’ll report it if it happens, though!

Syb: Well _________________________________, Basil!

Bas: _____, ____________, __________!

Syb: All that ____________________________________, and rubbing your hands!

Bas: No, ____________________________________________, dear! The er, Samaritans

were engaged!

Syb: ___________________________________________! Hah!

Bas: ____________________, __________________________!

Syb: Or __________________________, or something! Did Mr Hawkins deliver the

tonics, Terry?

Terry: Yes, he did, Mrs Fawlty!

Syb: Oh, good!

Bas: Manuel, Manuel!

Man: Ah, _______________, ___________, ____________!

Bas: Sh, sh, sh! Manuel, ___________________________!

Man: ___________________, Mr Fawlty, ____________________!


Bas: What?

Man: ______________, ________________!

Bas: No, no, no, no!

Man: ____________________!

Bas: No, no, no, no, __________________________!

Man: ____________!

Bas: ____, ______________!

Man: I, _________________________________!

Bas: Sh, sh, sh, sh – _______________________________________!

Man: _________________________________________!

Bas: Yes!

Man: _________________? __________________________________________?

Bas: _______________, nitwit!

Man: _________________, Nitwit!

Bas: No, no, no – Dragonfly!

Man: ________________!

Bas: Yes, ________________!

Man: _________________________!

Bas: What?

Man: ________________________________! ________________________, I go to

betting shop-

Bas: Yes, I know, I know, I know!

Man: Then _______________________________________?

Bas: Oh, look, look, look – ______________________?

Man: Er, __________________________________?

Bas: Dragonfly! There isn’t a horse called Nitwit – ______________________!

Man: ___________________?

Bas: It doesn’t matter – look – it doesn’t matter – oh, _________________________

___________________ having this conversation – now please, please try to

understand _________________________________________!

Man: I try!

Bas: ________________________________________________________ about Nitwit!

Man: No, no – Dragonfly!

Bas: Dragonfly – yes!


Man: Sí, sí, sí – heh, heh, heh! Eventually!

Bas: _________?

Man: _________________ – er, __________________!

Bas: No, no, no, no – __________________________!

Man: ___________?

Bas: Well _____________________________!

Man: _________________?

Bas: Well ________________________________________________________________!

Man: __________________ – _________________________________________! Cor!

Syb: Basil!

Bas: _______________________________! Yes, dear?

Syb: It’s Mrs Richards!

Bas: A fatal accident?

Syb: __________________________________________________!

Man: Ah, Mr Fawlty – I tell Polly!

Bas: Well- Oh, that’s all right – ______________________________________ – _______

________________! ______________________________!

Syb: Basil!

Bas: Yes, dear!

Syb: Basil – ____________________________________________ – she’s in a frightful

state – I can’t get a word in edgeways! She’s had eighty five pounds ______________

___________________ – I said we’ll search everywhere but she insists ___________

________________________ – what do you do with someone like that?

___________

_______________!

Bas: Mrs Richards! How very nice to see you –

___________________________________?

Rich: ___________________________ – _____________________________________!

Bas: Oh!

Syb: Mrs Richards, I’ve explained to my husband-

Rich: _______________________________________ – _____________________

_____________________________ – _____________________________


_____________________________!

Bas: Oh, yes?

Rich: ___________________! I haven’t been here a day – ________________________

____________________________?

Syb: Mrs Richards-

Rich: If you knew anything at all about running a hotel, this sort of thing wouldn’t happen!

Well? ____________________________________________________?

Bas: (mouths silently)

Rich: What?

Syb: Basil! Don’t!

Rich: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

______________________________________________!

Syb: Basil!

Bas: I said I’ll search all-

Rich: Ooh! _______________, _________________!

Bas: Has it come away?

Syb: Oh, _______________________________?

Rich: Yes, yes!

Syb: Oh, dear – _____________________________!

Bas: ____________________________________________________________________!

Syb: ______________!

Rich: ____________________________________?

Syb: We will, ____________________________________________!

Rich: ______________________________!

Syb: Yes, yes, I know – ____________________________!

Bas: __________________________________________?

Rich: _________________________________!

Syb: Take my arm!

Rich: _______________________________________________! I can get down the stairs

perfectly well by myself!

Bas: _________________________? Oh, well, _____________________________

___________________ – keep straight on! Give my regards to the earth’s core!

Syb: ____________________________________________?


Bas: And if you give us any more trouble,

________________________________________ and put a bat up your nightdress!

Syb: Basil!

Bas: Oh, _____________________, wasn’t it, dear? The odd moment like that – it’s

almost ___________________________________, isn’t it? ____________________

_______________________, isn’t it, dear? ______________________________

________________ – I know, I read it on the back of a matchbox!

Syb: Basil, sometimes-

Bas: Seriously, Sybil, ______________________ – when we were first manacled together

– ___________________________________________!

Syb: Yes, _____________________________, Basil!

Bas: Ah, that’s true – that was a warning, wasn’t it, yes – should have spotted that,

shouldn’t I? Zoom! ________________? ______________________, mate!

Oh! ________________________, __________________________? Sorry, mate,

___________________!

Syb: Basil!

Bas: ___________________________________ – yes, dear?

Syb: _________________________________?

Bas: __________________________________?

Syb: ______________________ – do you think we should-

Bas: Oh, ___________________________, or ___________________, or eaten it or

something - we’ll get Manuel to go through the room, erm, Polly can check the

lounge-

Syb: _____________________ – __________________________________________-

Bas: Well, ____________________!

Syb: ______________________________ – __________________________________!

Bas: ______________________________________!

Syb: No, _________________________________, Basil – _______________!

Bas: Well you can’t – you can’t _____________________________, Sybil!

Syb: _______________?

Bas: Well, well it would be- it would be terribly rude, ________________

________________________________! I mean, it would be so embarrassing!

Syb: _________________, Basil!

Bas: Hello, Fawlty Towers! Polly Sherman? Yes, certainly – ______________________


___________________ – ________________!

Syb: Polly!

Bas: Terry – where’s Polly?

Terry: In there!

Bas: Polly - ______________________________________!

Polly: ______________?

Bas: Sybil – __________________________________________ - she’d just come in to-

Ah, hello, dear – ________________ – __________________________! Yes, as I

was just saying, Polly, ____________________________________________ about a

slightly delicate matter –

Syb: ________________________, Basil – _____________________! He thinks it’s

embarrassing for me to ask you about ________________________________ earlier

on in the office – _______________________________________________________

– Mrs Richards has lost some!

Polly: _________________ – ___________________?

Syb: ___________________________, weren’t you – did someone hand it in?

Polly: Oh, no – no, _______________!

Syb: ___________?

Polly: _______________!

Syb: _______________?

Polly: On the horse Mr Fawlty got a tip on! ____________________________, I-

Bas: No, no, no - _______________!

Syb: _________________________________________, Polly!

Polly: Oh, I don’t – only _______________________ and ___________________

______________________ and I thought, well, ________________?

Bas: Well, ________________________, eh – _____________________________, eh,

dear? Well pity you didn’t let me put something on really – do you realise how much

we would have won? Seventy five pounds for a five pound stake – still,

_____________________!

Syb: Those were the odds, were they, Basil?

Bas: Yes, __________________, dear – fourteen to one – I listened in on the wireless just

to make sure it had triumphed – ______________________________, Polly!

Polly: __________________!


Syb: Polly?

Polly: Yes, Mrs Fawlty?

Syb: _____________________________________________?

Polly: _______________? Er - _______________________! Birdbrain!

Syb: Birdbrain?

Polly: No, no, no – __________________________ – er - Fishwife!

Syb: What?

Polly: No, not that – small – Flying – Flying – Flying Tart! No, no, no – it got off to a flying

start – and ______________ – ____________________________!

Syb: Thank you, Polly!

Bas: 71, 74-

Syb: If ________________________________________________________, ______

___________________________, Basil!

Bas: You’ll have to sew ’em back on first! Ah, Major!

Maj: Six o’clock, old boy!

Bas: Oh, so it is – yes, er, Major, can I offer you a-

Maj: Ah, __________________________! __________________________ – going to a

memorial service!

Bas: Ah – __________________________________, isn’t it, Major?

Maj: _____________?

Bas: ________________________________________?

Maj: Oh, ___________________________! ____________________ – know what I

mean?

Bas: Ah!

Maj: ________________!

Bas: Major – erm, ______________________________________?

Maj: Well, I’m, er, ________________________________, old boy!

Bas: No, no, no – _____________________________________________? __________

_______________________, only er, Sybil’s ____________________________, you

see – she goes through my pockets some nights!

Maj: Oh, absolutely – ___________________?

Bas: Er, Dragonfly!

Maj: _____________________________?


Bas: No, no – _______________________ – _________________________________!

Maj: Oh, ________________, _______________!

Bas: No, no, no, no – ___________________________?

Maj: Oh, no, no – ______________________________ – no, no, very-

Bas: No, no – ___________________________________________? It’s Sybil, you see –

______________!

Maj: Ah – _________________?

Bas: Er – _____________, yes – ____________________________!

Maj: Mum’s the word!

Bas: Ah – I’ll er, __________________________________________________________!

Maj: _________________, ________________! ____________!

Bas: ____________________, Mr Mackintosh!

Mackintosh: Thank you!

Bas: Thank you!

Gatsby, Tibbs: ______________________, Mr Fawlty!

Bas: ____________________, _______________! Hello, Fawlty Towers!

Rich: Watt!

Bas: ____________________________!

Rich: ___________________________________________?

Bas: Er, excuse me – ______________________________________________!

Rich: ________________________________?

Bas: Yes, yes, _________________!

Rich: When are they going to be here then?

Bas: __________________________ – ____________________________________!

Rich: ____________ – hah!

Bas: There was a lot of bloodshed at the Nell Gwynn Tea Rooms last night! Yes? Ah,

certainly, yes! Mrs Richards! Mrs Richards! Sorry! ___________________________!

Mac: Here-

Bas: Yes?

Rich: Hello!

Mac: __________________?

Bas: Er – ___________________________?

Mac: But _____________________________!


Bas: Oh, er, ___________________?

Mac: __________________________!

Rich: Hello! _____________________________________!

Bas: Hello? Yes, yes, _______________________! Yes –

__________________________!

Rich: Oh!

Mac: Well? ________________________?

Rich: Hello! Hello!

Bas: Erm, ______________?

Mac: ______________? _____?

Rich: _____________________________!

Bas: Hello - look – _________________, ________________________!

Rich: ______________________________________!

Bas: Your sister says you’ve had an offer of 87,000 pounds for your house in Brighton!

Rich: ___________________? _______________! _______________________, Stephanie!

___________________________________ I said, and

_________________________ __________________ –

_________________________! ______________________

_________________?

Mac: Well?

Bas: Well, let’s scrub that thirty two p then shall we –

______________________________!

Mac: Oh – thank you very much!

Bas: Oh, Major, Major! Erm, ___________________________?

Maj: __________, ________________?

Bas: _______________? ______________________________________________?

Maj: What? What is all this about?

Bas: Well you remember – _________________________________ – erm, just before you

went to ____________________________________!

Maj: ____________________________________?

Bas: Yes!

Maj: ____________________________________, old boy!

Bas: Well – it was- it was for – it was ___________________________________! Erm,

you know, __________________________!


Maj: ___________________________?

Bas: Well-

Maj: Pansy?

Bas: Yes!

Maj: ___________________?

Bas: No, no, no, no, no – __________________________________________!

Maj: _____________? Oh, yes, of course-

Bas: Yes!

Maj: -_______________________________________________!

Bas: No, no, no, no!

Maj: Yes, yes, with Winnie Atwell! Yes!

Bas: With Winnie Atwell?

Maj: Well Marjorie Atwell, then, Marjorie- I always call her Winnie because- well,

because she looks like Winnie!

Bas: _______________________!

Maj: _______________? Churchill wasn’t black!

Bas: Look, look, look, look, look, look – _____________________________________ –

____________________________!

Rich: What do you mean by telling me ________________________________________?

Bas: I er-

Rich: _______________________________________! Your wife’s just told me

_____________________________________________!

Bas: ____________________________________________________!

Rich: You lying hound!

Syb: Mrs Richards-

Rich: _____________________________, immediately!

Bas: Yes, but look-

Syb: Mrs Richards, we will, ___________________________________ the-

Rich: Right – ______________________________________________!

Syb: Well __________________________________ until-

Rich: _________________________________________!

Syb: All right, Mrs Richards – _______________________________________________?

Rich: ____________?


Syb: In here – thank you! Basil! __________________________________________!

Bas: _______________!

Maj: ____________________, Fawlty!

Bas: _____________?

Maj: ____________________________!

Bas: Yes - in my office- Major, yes!

Maj: In my new suit – in here, you see!

Bas: Yes!

Maj: Stuffed right down-

Bas: Yes, can I have it?

Maj: -and I don’t know how it got there, you see-

Bas: No, no – can I-

Maj: ’cause I make a point – ___________________________________________

________________ in my hip pocket-

Bas: Yes, ___________, ______________!

Maj: __________, ________________?

Bas: ___________________?

Maj: Oh, yes, yes, _________________ – yes, yes, of course! _________________,

_________________!

Bas: What? No, no, no – _______________, ________________!

Syb: Basil!

Maj: __________________!

Syb: ________________?

Maj: ___________________, Mrs Fawlty – ___________________!

Syb: Oh, __________________________ – Mrs Richards!

Bas: What?

Syb: ____________________________________!

Bas: No!

Syb: ___________________________________________!

Bas: (unintelligible sounds)

Syb: What? Thank you so much, Major! _____________________ – I said that it would

turn up!

Bas: (unintelligible sounds)


Syb: ________________, Basil?

Maj: _______________________, eh, Fawlty?

Rich: ________________________________!

Syb: Oh, dear!

Bas: It’s not! __________________________ – oh, my God! _____________________ –

we’ll have a whip round!

Syb: What is going on?

Rich: What’s he doing now?

Syb: ____________________________________________________? I’ll look for the

missing ten pounds immediately, Mrs Richards – where exactly did you find it,

Major?

Maj: _______________________!

Syb: _________________________?

Maj: Yeah, yeah, ___________________, _____________________!

Syb: Er, would you mind if ____________________________________________?

Maj: No, no, _______________, _________________!

Syb: _______________________________ – ___________________________!

Maj: Er, it’s in with the erm, er – the er – the er-

Bas: Excuse me, excuse me-

Rich: ____________________________________________?

Maj: Yes, yes!

Bas: Mrs Richards - can I just-

Rich: _____________________________________________?

Bas: ____________________?

Rich: ________________________________________ – you’re completely loopy – mad

as a March hare!

Bas: Yes, yes, I am – yes, I am completely loopy – that’s why ________________

_________________________________!

Rich: What?

Bas: You see, there’s been a mistake – erm, ___________________

_____________________________________!

Rich: _______________?


Bas: Yes – as the Major will confirm – you see, yes, I was saving it up as a present for my

wife, right – and that’s why I couldn’t say anything just now – but I gave it to the

Major last night-

Rich: ______________________! ___________________________!

Bas: No, no, the Major will verify what I’ve said!

Maj: Mm?

Bas: __________________________________, Major?

Maj: __________? ___________, _____________?

Bas: Er, er, er, well – the money – _____________________________ – you know, _____

___________________ – you remember I gave it to you just before

_______________

________________!

Maj: _________________?

Bas: Well yes – you, you remember – mm, mm? The money I won on the horse!

Maj: __________________?

Rich: _________________________________? ____________________________?

Maj: _______________________________________!

Rich: ________________________________?

Bas: Shh - it doesn’t matter – do you remember me giving it to you? Well _____________,

_______________________!

Maj: ____________________________________?

Bas: Oh, the money, the money, the money – do you - Manuel, Manuel, Manuel, Manuel!

You remember ______________________________________ – ________________

___________________________!

Man: Ah, sí!

Bas: Yes – tell Mrs Richards – tell her ___________________________________!

Man: Ahem – ____________________________!

Bas: What? What?

Man: _____________________________!

Bas: No, no, no, no, no!

Man: _______________!

Bas: No, no, forget-

Man: Oh, yes, ______________________________, _________________________!

Bas: No, no, ____________________ – _____________________!


Man: No, ___________________!

Bas: Yes, yes – ______________, _____________, _____________! Tell her, please,

please, tell her, tell her, please! Tell her, or I’ll kill you!

Man: No, _____________________! __________________________________!

Rich: ________________________________________________! ____________________

________________ – and when I come back,

________________________________!

Syb: _____________________, Basil!

Bas: (growls)

Syb: _______________________ – ___________________ from the till!

Bas: _______________!

Syb: ______________________?

Bas: I’m going to give her the shirt off my back too!

Man: You see, _______________________!

Bas: I’m going to send you to a vivisectionist! Now- (cries)

Mr Firkins: _______________________, Mr Fawlty!

Bas: _______________________!

Firk: You got a Mrs Richards staying here?

Bas: Ah – (faints) Yes?

Firk: Oh – ah, well – _____________________________________________,

____________________________________. __________________, ________

_________________________________! ________________________ –

________________________ – ___________! ____________________________

_________________ – almost threw it in the bin - _____________, eh? ______

________________?

Bas: No – _______________________________!

Firk: Oh – thanks, Mr Fawlty! Goodbye!

Bas: _______________________________!

Polly: _______________?

Bas: Well- She- It doesn’t matter! I’m ten pounds up on the deal!

Polly: _______________________?


Bas: Yes, yes, it’s ninety five – even if I give her ten – ________________________!

Polly, ________________________________, ______________!

____________________! (laughs) Hello, Mrs Richards – how lovely to see-

__________________________, _____________________________,

_________________________ – now, remind me –

__________________________________ – _________________________?

Rich: ________________ – __________________!

Bas: ______________________________?

Rich: _____, _____________!

Bas: _________________________________________?

Rich: Yes!

Bas: Er, Polly – er, _______________________________, ________________?

Rich: _______________?

Bas: _________________!

Syb: _________________, Basil?

Bas: Ah!

Polly: ______________!

Syb: ____________?

Polly: ________________________________________!

Bas: Er, that’s right, dear – Polly asked me to _________________________________!

So, ____________________________ – erm, this is your er, money, Polly –

________

__________________________________, Mrs Richards-

Maj: Fawlty – ____________________________________ – _____________________

__________________!

Bas: Ah! Ah, oh!

Rich: _________________________________________!

Syb: Oh, ___________________, Mrs Richards – we must pay you back – there we

are, one-

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