ברוכים הבאים. [email protected] Who are we discussing? A boy who was able to...
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Transcript of ברוכים הבאים. [email protected] Who are we discussing? A boy who was able to...
הבאים ברוכים
חיזוק ועדד" תשע
When something changesand we don’t know why
******Making sense of what doesn’t
seem to fit with our predicted expectation
******Burnout
Who are we discussing?
A boy who was able to function at some point in his life and is no longer able to do so, and we don’t seem to be able to
put our finger on what change caused the deterioration.
syndrome מצוין• This is clearly a plague of the elite• The better the Yeshiva the higher the
percentage– Not necessarily connected to the Yeshiva – it’s just
that people who are more prone to it are the type to seek out advanced Yeshivos.
– As we will explain – their abundant qualities play into a situation of pressure and mistaken beliefs that may burn them out if not channeled properly
Age of onset• More common around twelfth grade and first
year• We are seeing it begin even earlier, as early as
the end of ninth – although the structure usually doesn’t allow it to fully blow up till a bit older
• The reason for this will be evident as we explain
General description – not functioning
• Chronic procrastination• Passive aggressive• Not משועבד to the world’s clock• Seeks isolation• All therapy and assistance – just dragging
without any real change• All those who try to help get frustrated that he
just isn’t doing his part at all
General description – not functioning
• When asked to describe the problem the response comes with varying explanations and can range from:– Psychosomatic – headaches, pains, can’t sleep, can’t
concentrate….– I just don’t have cheshek and I have no idea why– I think the system is just not for me. I never really liked it
and now I just see things more clearly– I’m בעצם getting better just there are endless 'ס as פונקט
to why it hasn’t been successful– I’m working on figuring it out.. And it’s shlepping but I’m
almost there
Rule out the obvious
• Nothing traumatic occurred• No molestation or abuse• No severe psychiatric disorder• No change in family status
• We are not focusing on a person with a clear diagnosis of any form
• This is what makes it so much more confusing – since he seems to be perfectly healthy in all other regards and for some reason just isn’t functioning
We see the outcome not the cause
• There are many causes that can cause similar end symptoms.
• What we are noticing is someone in pain – pain can be caused by many different sources
• We should not focus on the end result at first – it really is quite unimportant and this will not allow us to get to the root of the problem
• We need to focus on the before and the present and study it carefully
Fuel!• Everything requires fuel to be able to function• So too a person needs inner strength to be able to
keep one’s self motivated to persevere and do work despite it being easier not to
• We all derive this fuel from the reservoir of hope, meaning and purpose
• When one was successful then his tank was full of fuel.
• Now if he ceased to function it means that his tank is empty.
In addition – loss and confusion!• When the fuel dries up and there is no
replacement - it is worse than never having fuel– There is loss – I’m used to it, I’m expecting it– I’m confused because I don’t understand what
happened – why did it stop working– There’s disappointment with self and others–Hopelessness – if whatever tools I used worked
and now stopped so I have nothing else to keep me going – I am doomed• Even if I come up with an eitza who says the same
thing won’t just happen again with that
Understand - Analyze
• What was the fuel?• Why did it stop working?• What changed?–Usually this is some change in circumstance
either real or perceived which doesn't make that much of a difference – for immediate practical purposes perception is reality.–We need to figure that out in order to
replace or repair the source of motivation
General Understanding
• Whatever was driving me was a mistake and never had adequate power to get me all the way to where I needed to go.• It was good as long as it was here but is
no longer available• Some new challenge arose and the old
fuel does not work for such terrain
Types of fuel and their shortfall
Fuel = is the reason why it is worth investing time effort and sacrifice for something.
15 sources of fuel
1 – I want to make it big• I want to reach my potential which I self
measured to be very great• I only value major accomplishment• After all didn’t I come to this world to be as
big as I could • If I don’t aim high I will never become
anything• My motivation is my illustrious destination• After all this is the right thing for everyone
to do
1 – I want to make it big• I should know how to learn and say my own
chiddushim all day by the age of twenty• Takes the shmuessen very literally – and
they all apply to him – בפשוטם• They feel that settling for anything less – is
poshut wrong
1 – I want to make it big - shortfall• The minute he realizes that the reality is a
bit different and the destination that he had in mind may never come – – There is disappointment– Loss of cheshek – who likes to work hard for
something that is only a safek– Half way to their destination feels like worthless in
their eyes – it’s worse than not learning at all – Something is wrong with them that they won’t
succeed
1 – I want to make it big - reaction• Different people react in different
ways – but all cease to function–Develop excuse why it’s not them• Psychosomatic – pains, aches, can’t
concentrate, • this is not really for me שיטה• Anger at those who convinced him to take
this approach• kind – גמרא from learning – since the מיאוס
of let him down
1 – I want to make it big – natures • Speak highly of their abilities – they
have special kochos.• Don’t get excited easily – cool• Look down at others – not in a bad way
– just that others don’t see the Emes with the same clarity that they do• Driven to achieve• Don’t have ability to settle for second
best or see compromise as an option.
2 – bright - easy
• Never had to think much about being good, everything just came naturally
• Smart, smooth and flowed – no need to exert too much
• Never had any problem or issue to deal with
• Life was simple, predictable and easy
2 – bright – easy - shortfall• They develop very soft skin and when
faced with difficulty they have no experience in handling.
• He has an empty tool box – whatever he has used in the past no longer works
2 – bright – easy - reaction• Act hopeless, overwhelmed and lost• Only want to hear about quick and easy relief• Something is wrong – life is supposed to be
geshmak – he never agreed to this• When asked to explain - gives kind of a blank look • Could get angry and take wrath out on those who
are closest to him – since he is used to being taken care of by them and now they are failing him (someone else has to carry the blame)
2 – bright – easy - nature• Can’t handle petch• Spoiled, meek and weak• Cry easily – לבב רך• Grew up in solid home where he was cared
for exceptionally well, sometimes too well – and covered for him too well
• More prone to homesickness• Hard time sleeping
3 – I want to be unique - fuel• A drive to be the top of the group, special and be
admired by all• Believes he will make it to where everyone
wishes but no one gets there• Everyone should have asked him before planning
their future, he has got the right derech• He is plowing down the highway and nothing in
the world is more important than his hatzlacha.
3 – I want to be unique - shortfall• Realizes that other people don’t really care so much• Others are making it better than he is• Things aren’t working as fast as predicted• He has become isolated and detached from his friends and
feels lonely• Doesn’t have the same renewed geshmak that he once had• If he is נכשל in something that will ruin his plan or
diminish his value• He thought he was a מלאך and finds out that he is human
3 – I want to be unique - reaction• Becomes angry!– Sometimes focused on parents, system, Torah or all of the above• He feels subconsciously that he listened and invested so
much and ended up falling short• Someone has to be blamed in order that they don’t see
themselves as failures• Search some other area where than can maintain their
uniqueness – usually not good• Develop defenses to protect themselves• Psychosomatic, שיטות just plain excuses that they
convince themselves of even though its clearly nonsense to any one on the outside but they stick to it and get angry if you don’t accept it
3 – I want to be unique - nature• Usually becomes overly intense - very driven• Somewhat rigid busy doing everything just
right• Opinionated when it comes to וגדלות שיטות
even though really איידעל in all other areas• Hard to accept הדרכה since he sees the אמת
so clearly – there is no question• Not really interested in הזה too much עולם• Jealousy kills
Differentiate between big and unique and admiration
• Unique is in reference to others but for self• Big is in reference to self and not שיטה related– Both won’t admit to caring what others think – they
say that they are not גורס what others think about them. This may actually be true.
– Both will work hard even when no one is looking and work for themselves on growing
• When admiration is the fuel the above two are not there and everything is in reference to others
4 –admiration and adoration- fuel• It feels good to receive attention especially
when a boy grew up cute and adored and got used to it
• Especially true where this was his main source of value and attention
• Got used to be the top of the class, always good and being praised for it
• Becomes dependant and needy for admiration for basic living (luxury becomes necessity)
4 –admiration and adoration- shortfall
• What happens when he goes to Yeshiva of advanced level and finds that he is no longer at the top – his specialty and source of admiration has dried up
• Gets older and the charm and cuteness doesn’t impress as much
• Larger class makes him blend in more since less emphasis put on the יחיד
• Work load much harder so that he can’t maintain the same status
4 –admiration and adoration- reaction
• Tank is empty• Feels a gaping hole of his once “source of life
and energy”• Lost – not equipped to deal with these
situations• Feels – lost his מדריגה, something is wrong
with him, confused as to why things changed• Gets very down and depressed
4 –admiration and adoration- nature• Had a relatively easy life used to comfort• Often comes from nice upper class family• Likes to please• More sensitive to people’s comments• Soft nature, silk skin• Self aware as to his status and thinks of
himself in terms of status
5 – perfection - fuel• Nature that craves perfection not for enjoyment
but rather simply to avoid the catastrophe of a “mistake”
• Every 100% on the Bechina is just one less problem• Learning and doing the correct thing is simply
dodging bullets of a possible failure• They are successful for a while since younger years
are more predictable and perfection is attainable to some degree
5 – perfection - shortfall• Perfection is not a realistic level of
achievement• Failure is inevitable at some points in life• Criticism cuts like a knife and is going to
reach him sooner or later
5 – perfection - reaction• The underlying insecurity that fueled the
perfection comes out with fierceness with no healthy way to calm the person down
• Crumbles like a nightmare come true• Usually very black and white and can’t see
anything getting any better• No chaishek in life anymore • Anger, blame, avoidance, cover with defenses
5 – perfection - nature• Rigid a little flat (although some bubbly people can
have it too)• Not happy by nature • Anxious• Focus on specifics not the whole picture• Very sensitive to criticism• May have a difficult time seeking or even accepting
help since the admitting that I have a problem is a major blemish in the perfection armor that has been a way of life and safety all these years
6 –controlled by others- fuel• This can be in form of: – actual force or – feeling that I must produce or else:• Parents• System
– Won’t accept me,
so I’d better if I know what’s good for me
6 –controlled by others- shortfall • Boy gets older and force is no longer an
option• Resentment may set in – as to why I allowed
myself to be forced until now• Feels like he has no identity of his own but
rather I’ve been someone else’s pawn that had to produce so that the other person will have his satisfaction and now I want to be “ME” and no one will stop me
6 –controlled by others- reaction• passive aggressive sometimes extreme• Can become extremely chutzpadik at home
sometimes without limit• I will assert my own authority and show
who’s boss (albeit very eidel) • Anti anything that the other person stood for• Can seek venues that are unique and not
looked at as virtues in the culture that he was raised
6 –controlled by others- nature• Proper child• Solid home where structure and discipline
is a given and can’t be questioned• Missing תוכן or depth into what he does• Has poor insight as to what is really
bothering him• Not very emotionally literate
7 – be part of עולם - fuel• Social success – you gotta do it or you’ll be
labeled as a יוצלח לא• This can be especially true if he developed a
special close “best friend” who is a learner. This has fueled boys who could never learn to become מצוינים temporarily.
7 – be part of עולם - shortfall • Group splits up – they go to different
Yeshivos• Gets dumped by a friend or two (especially if
it was a “best” friend)• Friend rise above and he can’t keep up and
begins to lag behind them
7 – be part of עולם - reaction• Sad and lonely (especially if he himself has gone to
a new unfamiliar surrounding where he needs the security so much more so)
• Out of gas• No interest at all in learning• Searching for new sense of attachment• Anxiety can set in strongly• Feels like he is empty without a sense of self and
unique identity since his identity was always his being part of others and they are no longer here
7 – be part of עולם - nature• Never developed much meaning to what
he is actually learning or doing – it was merely the vehicle to count as a person
• Unable to learn during off times• Doesn’t have any of his own sedarim or interest
in learning• Always comparing and cheshboning what other
people are thinking of him• Very makpid on the way he dresses, looks, and
he associates with others with similar חיצוניות
8 – need to be in control - fuel• In order to feel safe I need to know and feel
that I will be able to succeed in any challenge that comes my way. This includes being able predict what will be needed as well as be equipped to conquer it fully.
• Therefore I work hard. I am always vigilant of possible dangers that may arise and move one step ahead to beat the challenge.
8 – need to be in control - shortfall• Shiur is not concrete and can’t feel in control of its
exactness to full קלארקייט• Socially, I can’t force others to act to me in certain ways –
nor can I predict… has very difficult time handling the suspense of not knowing the outcome
• The more he grows in Torah the more he sees it as endless and the more he sees himself forgetting and losing his controlling grip
• Gets a panic attack or the like – and realizes that he is out of control even for important things that are required for survival
8 – need to be in control - reaction• First it’s work harder and be more intense and
then it bounces back to panic and ייאוש when this fails to bring 100% certainty
• Hope that some magic will change things and fool oneself to believe it will get better by some discovery that will surely work - research– New הלימוד דרך– Some physical method– Vitamins, diet, hypnosis, relaxation, vacation, energy…– Blame it on physical
8 – need to be in control - nature• Serious, disciplined, organized well
planned• Successful life for many years• Can’t handle: uncertainty, ambiguity, or
vulnerability• Hard workers – not afraid of hard tasks,
may even thrive over difficult situations• Aggressive go getters
9 – Geshmak and feeling holy - fuel• Even more common for boys who were not
התעוררות and then suddenly got a מצליחand a ממרום and saw a new light, then רוחafter time he is dropped where his enthusiasm dropped him.
• Also common for young בחור who begins to discover the התורה and sees himself גדלותconnecting and being מצליח and enjoys the his own growth חשיבות
9 – Geshmak and feeling holy -shortfall• That high level of חידוש and steady growth slows
down. (second month doubles the first, the third is only 50% more than the second… after a year doing minimal amount more than the month before)
• החידוש at the beginning, we get חידוש is only a כחused to everything and it no longer supplies that high
• They try to join מצוינים too soon and are still not at their level
• They are מתאוה to those holy feelings that they felt when they entered תורה and felt so much קדושה
ועבודה לתורה וקורבה
9 – Geshmak and feeling holy - reaction• Something must be wrong, lost frustrated and
confused• Down depressed• Look for דאגדתא or the like to make quick מילי
instant feelings of holiness• Fall into תאוות • Connect to holy groups or people• Give up, it’s not for me• Hide behind excuses of searching for the right
thing that will give me that real geshmak that I am longing for so badly
9 – Geshmak and feeling holy - nature• Usually big רגש חן ,soft hearted ,בעלי מלא• Attracted to quick fixes and things connected to
הטבע מן רמזים – ,a bit spooky, magical ,...למעלהסגולות
• Busy with קדושה – being careful and sensitive to which usually get them into more trouble and כשלונותthis גופא can sour their געשמאק
• Anything פשוט seems so tasteless and uninteresting that they can’t put effort into it
• Intense people who experience everything intensely and crave intensity – either intense high or at least intense low.
Additional external factors
that may arise that don’t necessarily
ruin the source of fuel but rather knock the
person off balance and they lack the source of energy to deal with the
new problem
list – with quick synopsis• Underlying emotional pain• ADHD that one was able to compensate for
when younger but has become more difficult with the new challenges of an adult• issues that have arisen as he has קדושה
matured• Onset of anxiety/ocd• Depression
Underlying emotional pain• Intense learning may have been an escape and
distraction from having to face some deep עגמתנפש
• Simple example: boy who grew up in difficult home and decided to prove that he is normal despite this and that nothing really bothers him..
• Generally denial of personal feelings will come back to bite in some shape or form
• Boy who is socially anxious and used learning as a source of avoiding social contact that would trigger anxiety or shame.
ADHD• Very bright children are able to succeed as
youngsters by compensating through using – charm, charisma and good set of brains
• As they get older, consistency, התמדה,sustained attention become necessity and they fall short
• The gap between him and his friends widens• This is especially true if the adhd has made them
socially off a bit since they don’t כאפ social cues as well and people begin to get annoyed with them
issues קדושה• This can cause burn out for many reasons – some
have been mentioned earlier• This can cause havoc – both from a רוחניותדיגער as
well as a psychological standpoint– Feels like all the good that I have is fake– I am worse than others – since no one else does this– I have no control– All the good is wasted if I do so much bad– Hopelessness from repeated efforts to control and fail– Turns the attitude towards self as junk and no one wants
to invest in junk
Onset of anxiety/ocd• Both of these are extremely draining and can simply
wear a person down to the point where he literally doesn’t have the physical strength to do what he was once able to.
• This is especially true if he hasn’t received help and looks at himself as crazy and hiding a dirty secret from others
• Even after recovering – it can be traumatic and getting back to oneself can be very hard
• This is especially true if there are any of the other fuel issues that we mentioned earlier
Depression • Sometimes this is clearly biological and almost zero
to do with בחירה – although I think this is not as common as it is made to be
• Usually the depressive symptoms are really related to thinking patterns and coping skills or the lack thereof that has caused the person to shut down.
• This really needs a lengthy explanation and needs to be ruled out before proceeding
• Healthy sense of self is something learned from experience not from speech
• It is a feeling that is given over from caregiver to receiver
• When we treat someone in a way that shows that we value the true person for his being himself the belief in incorporating into his מציאות
• Look for opportunities to give the opposite messages of the standard low self esteem model
Examples• Connect with them on a personal level• Express how they are unique to you in some small
way• Express pleasure in seeing him not in what has done• Show care and why you feel it’s worth so much of
your time because he’s good stock• Use facial expressions to show how you are really
interested in him-not in his success• Validate his feelings whatever they are right now• Show interest in simple things going on in their lives
How does one repair his poor sense of self• Understand the nature of poor self esteem• Learn what triggers a shame attack on one’s self• Admit to the feelings that one is experiencing and
be aware of the true reality of one’s feelings• Accept one’s self for who he is right now and not
for what he will be one day - this includes understanding one’s virtues and shortcomings
• Actively live and act like someone with healthy self esteem and eventually it will rub in
• Develop a value in life and living• Attach to healthy people – in a healthy way
Understand the nature of poor self esteem
• Education:– Why do we act in a certain way– Figure out –with him why his current situation really
makes sense based on his nature and nurture– Your not crazy or damaged, you’ve simply been living
with some mistakes– Understand that all your work was not a waste and
what you gained. You just needs to modify things from here on
– Notice which habits you have adopted as a result of the above and in order to survive the pain
Learn what triggers a shame attack on one’s self
• Notice how the triggers that get you annoyed or feeling empty or hopeless are directly connected with the old Nature and Nurture combination.
• You can also highlight how when situations are not connected to the weakness or flaw in Nature and/or Nurture the person will be able to function very naturally and easily
Admit and be aware of the true reality of the feelings that one is experiencing
• Denial• Feeling suppression - subconscious• Confused feelings• Over exaggerated feelings
Are much more painful and will force the shutdown.
One can’t deal with feelings that we are not aware of
Accept one’s self for who he is right now and not for what he will be one day - this includes
understanding one’s virtues and shortcomings
• “Acceptance” the most important word in the whole process
• Low self esteem = I am ashamed of who I am• Stop creating an imaginary self which is much
more powerful than our real selves ! • Accept yourself with your chisronos• Write a list of your strong points and week areas
and allow yourself to view yourself as not-perfect. This means that there will be areas where I will not excel and others will, and I am still o.k. with it
Actively live and act like someone with healthy self esteem and eventually it will rub in
• The nature of people suffering from these symptoms is that they refuse to work on it before they can be sure that it will work out with Geshmack and they would rather wait around and do nothing then the partial action
• It is important to break this mistaken belief at the very being
• We need to learn how to work on improving the temporary, and better - but not perfect life from right now!
• Learn and work even though it won’t give you major gains (not nogea for yeshiva, no kavod attached, no immediate growth)
Actively live and act like someone with healthy self esteem and eventually it will rub in
• Since this has been programmed through experience it must be reworked through experience
• Chitzon is me’orer the pnimi• Once feelings have turned positive in one
area it will be easier to extend it to another• Take care of your physical needs• Make decisions on your own and make them
quickly
Develop a value in life and living
• We will discuss much more at length next time when we describe the area of meaning and intrinsic value in what I’m doing
Attach to healthy people – in a healthy way• Relationship is the most powerful way to give a
person a feeling of value!• If you show that you truly love someone-you have
just showed him that he has intrinsic value• Love is not dependent on accomplishment - it is a
connection that is felt and has to be shown in such manner – this is through healthy attachment
• It is a learning through experience which is much more powerful than words
• Stop – blaming, criticizing, controlling – be compassionate and forgiving to others and you will be able to do the same to yourself as well
Attach to healthy people – in a healthy way• It is also a means of learning in a way where the
defenses won’t stop it• It is a strong way to model good and healthy skills in
terms of how he should deal with situations. He will automatically learn by example to talk to himself the same way that you speak to him
• It is also a from of “security supply” -even though we are trying to make him independent he may need some level of security to put him on safe ground in order to start the next step of his recovery
• Allow yourself to ask for help and favors from others
This brings us to the question that so many grapple with
Why “should” a person feel good about himself if he is a standard Yankele and even more so in the event that he knows that he has messed up and feels that he is to blame for his own lack of success?
Basic response• The true answer (I think) is that by nature one
should not even have a thought about such a question. A person’s own life should have so much value that the קשיא should never dawn upon him.
Did a father ever think why do I care about my children?If a father needs to be explained why he should beמרחם on his children he is sick-it’s defying the of טבע בנים על אב כרחם
Basic response• Of course we can explain it through deep
explanation as to why a person and life are worthwhile commodities but there should be an intrinsic feeling that should be much more powerful than all the explanations and as a matter of fact if we need explanations it almost won’t help.
Basic responseIf the question stumps someone, he is missing a very basic piece of inert natureThe focus in repair should be on removing what went wrong that is holding this natural emotion from being felt and experienced This is usually a lack of feeling loved and special - regardless of performance, regardless of comparison to others. It’s about “you” not about how you reflect on me
Basic responseThe message wasn’t passed down in the environment that the child grew up inThis doesn’t mean negative –the lack of reinforcing the beliefs can cause such outcomes (although this is not always the case)
Deeper response
• " ה מהקב שליח• אלוקים קרבת• הבא עולם ולקנות לתקן הזדמנות• חיים• בחירה
Identity-who am I what makes me-me
• ' ה פרק א חלק עולם חיי 'סטייפלער• Who I am, not what I do nor what I have, since
all of these apply to others too and therefore, doesn’t describe who I am
• A father to my children • Making something more out of myself• To accomplish the שליחות for which I was sent
down to this world for, is some level of identity since no-one can take the place
