funnyforoursake.files.wordpress.com · Created Date: 5/5/2016 5:21:34 PM
Transcript of funnyforoursake.files.wordpress.com · Created Date: 5/5/2016 5:21:34 PM
ARTIFICIAL
A Play
by
Grace Piper
Copyright © 2016,
By Grace Piper
1135 W Wood Street Apt 1011
Decatur, IL 62522
Phone: (760)799-7137
Email: [email protected]
Cast of Characters
Celeste: A woman, 30 years old. She lays on the
couch, not speaking, for the entirety
of the play.
Mary: A woman, 30 years old. The “Angel” of
Celeste’s conscience. The type of
woman you would see on a Covergirl ad.
Eve: A woman, 30 years old. The “Devil”
of Celeste’s conscience. The type of
woman who wears red lipstick and never
smudges any on her wine glass.
God: A man in his late 40’s. Reminds you of
the creepy guy who would go to high
school girls volleyball games.
The Devil: A man in his late 40’s. Perpetually
sweaty. Like a guy who works at a deli.
Scene
A penthouse apartment overlooking a city. Lots of lights
and life surround the building.
Time
The present.
1
ACT I
SETTING: A living room of a penthouse
apartment. Modern – definitely
kind of expensive. Overlooking the
city. It’s a nice view, full of
the lights and life typical of a
bustling city.
AT RISE: CELESTE lays upside down on the
couch, eyes closed. She’s
sleeping. MARY stands behind the
couch, wearing a white skirt suit
and matching heels, looking over
CELESTE, smug. EVE enters, wearing
a red pantsuit and matching heels.
She also looks smug.
MARY
Oh no. Eve, go. You cannot be here.
EVE
If you can be here, so can I. I just came up to check in with
our girl.
MARY
You never just “check in”. If you’re here, you always have some
agenda. Back off. She’s resting.
EVE
Resting? Don’t be coy, Mary, it’s not as cute as you think it
is.
MARY
You seem to think it’s pretty cute when you do it.
EVE
Play nice, I’m your other half.
MARY
You’re Celeste’s other half. Combined, we’re her conscience.
Alone, we’re still her conscience. We don’t need to do
everything together.
EVE
2
Oh but this we should do together. I got word from the man
downstairs. The sperm found an egg.
(beat)
MARY
So you heard.
EVE
Pregnant out of wedlock! Big win for the red team.
MARY
It’s artificial. There’s a loophole.
EVE
Didn’t know your boss was big on loopholes.
MARY
Sign of the times. We had to loosen up.
EVE
Artificial or not, the sperm that got her pregnant was Pete’s.
MARY
She and Pete were practically engaged-
EVE
She and Pete were broken up. And she stole his sperm.
MARY
No she did not. He gave her legal access to the sperm bank. Just
because he meant to revoke it doesn’t mean he did. It’s not
her fault he forgot. She legally took Pete’s sperm.
EVE
We aren’t lawyers. We’re the little people on her shoulder.
Where laws have loopholes, morals don’t. Stolen sperm is
stolen sperm.
MARY
It’s not about the sperm anymore. Now it’s a baby. Baby trumps
everything. At the end of the day, she’s fulfilling her
purpose as a woman: procreation.
EVE
By inseminating herself with stolen sperm!
3
MARY
Still procreation. It’s the thought that counts.
EVE
Her thought is that if she had a baby, he would marry her.
That’s manipulative and fucked up.
MARY
Even if it’s fucked up, a baby makes the ends justify the means.
EVE
Oh my god.
(a pointed look from MARY)
Gosh.
MARY
Look, you know as well as I do that it’s not up to us. It’s up
to them.
(she points up and down at the same time)
(EVE takes out what looks like a cell phone and
checks it. Nothing)
EVE
I haven’t gotten a verdict yet, have you?
MARY
(checks her “cell phone”)
Nothing.
EVE
They’re usually quicker than this.
MARY
It’s probably nothing.
EVE
They never take this long. In fact, I’ve never seen this thing
silent for more than a couple minutes. Something’s up. Every
time they’ve delivered a verdict before, it’s been within
seconds. This system is painstakingly straightforward. And now
dead air?
4
(their “phones” go off with simultaneous pings)
MARY
Ta-dah. No more dead air. A verdict. I told you.
(they look at their phones)
EVE
Holy shit. They’re coming to us.
(a tense beat, then EVE lounges on the couch on one
side of CELESTE)
Aren’t you gonna sit?
MARY
You’re pretty relaxed considering the circumstances. They’ve
never come to us.
EVE
Maybe they’re bluffing.
MARY
They don’t bluff.
EVE
Have you ever met…
(she points up)
Him?
MARY
Nope. I got up there and everything was waiting for me, no one
in sight. Have you ever met…
(she points down)
Him?
EVE
Once. It was right after I died. Overdose. I felt like I was
just waking up at home, but when I opened my eyes I was standing
in that long line, and when I got to the front they gave me the
whole shpiel – I was a shitty person in life, so in death I have
to serve as the devil on this girl’s shoulder. Before I could
ask more questions they pushed me into this room that must’ve
been like 200 degrees. And he looked like just a normal guy. He
handed me two boxes – one had this ridiculous suit, and one with
5
these heels. Told me to put them on with some lipstick and a
smile. That was that.
MARY
That’s creepy.
DEVIL
Oh, please. I bet heaven and God are just as spooky as hell and
the devil.
MARY
No way. Our bosses…they’re different. They have different
morals.
EVE
Morals shmorals. They get off on power.
MARY
No, God “gets off” on what’s right. He’s not spooky, he’s
radiant. Or so I’ve heard.
EVE
This system is built on pitting people against each other,
especially women like us.
MARY
We’re pit against each other because we’re on different sides.
I’m heaven. You’re hell.
EVE
There’s a special place where I’m from for women who don’t help
other women.
MARY
Don’t make this some sexist thing.
EVE
I didn’t do that. They did.
(she points up and down at the same time)
Look at these outfits. Why do we have to be in pointy-toed
heels? With our hair perfectly done and a full face of makeup?
It doesn’t change our ability to do the job.
MARY
6
They made us in their image.
EVE
They made us in their fantasies.
MARY
Women in heels bickering is no man’s fantasy, least of all
God’s.
EVE
Women in heels period is God’s fantasy. That’s why he created
them. Why he gave you a pair when you got to heaven.
MARY
The devil created heels.
EVE
It was a team effort.
MARY
They don’t work together. There are sides. It’s not about women
vs women, or men vs women. It’s heaven vs hell, good vs evil.
EVE
The world isn’t black and white.
MARY
Yes it is!
EVE
If the world were black and white, we’d have a verdict on this
stunt already. This is what someone might call a gray area.
MARY
Bad people claim gray areas to make themselves sound complex.
You’re treating yourself like a victim of morals because you
chose the wrong ones. Just because you chose the wrong side
doesn’t mean there are no sides. Morals aren’t debatable.
EVE
Then what are we doing right now? Debating morals.
MARY
It doesn’t matter what we say. They make the decisions. Just
because we aren’t smart enough to understand –
7
EVE
You really think they’re so much smarter than us? They’ve really
got you in the palm of their hands.
MARY
When you became a conscience, did you tell them you have all
these hang ups about morals? This doesn’t seem like the right
line of work for you.
EVE
I wasn’t really thinking about if it would be a good fit. I was
kind of preoccupied with the fact that I had just died and went
to hell.
MARY
You think you’re smarter than me, don’t you?
EVE
No, you’re way smarter. You’re playing dumb, that’s a genius
move. You’re playing the game.
MARY
So play the game. Or quit.
EVE
They don’t even let me take off these shoes. I highly doubt
they’ll let me quit.
(their “phones” ping again)
MARY
Looks like now would be a good time to find out.
(the ladies stand at attention as GOD and THE DEVIL
enter from their respective sides.)
Wait, are you…
GOD
God.
THE DEVIL
The Devil.
MARY
You’re not what I expected.
8
THE DEVIL
Our job isn’t easy like yours. So excuse me if looks aren’t our
number one priorities.
GOD
Given the messy nature of this case, we came to make a verdict
in person. We’ve decided to terminate the pregnancy.
THE DEVIL
Effective immediately, no more baby.
(GOD and THE DEVIL snap their fingers. CELESTE
briefly convulses, then goes back to sleep)
EVE
You could’ve done that from your office. Why come here?
THE DEVIL
You two have been very talkative today. You’re not supposed to
talk this much. You’re hardly supposed to interact.
GOD
Either one of you could’ve terminated the pregnancy. So why did
we have to do it?
EVE
Terminating the pregnancy gets rid of the stolen sperm. No
stolen sperm, no bad moral decision.
MARY
Terminating the pregnancy means no baby. No procreation. The
baby is Celeste’s best chance to become a child of God.
EVE
It’s complex. Which is why we were discussing it while waiting
for your verdict.
GOD
So don’t discuss it. No baby, no issue.
EVE
If it’s that simple, what took your decision so long?
THE DEVIL
We needed to decide how to deal with you two suddenly getting
chatty.
9
EVE
I have an idea for how to deal with that. I quit.
THE DEVIL
You quit?
EVE
Is that possible? What happens if I quit? If we quit? I just
want to know our options.
MARY
Your options.
GOD
If you two quit, you’re on your own.
THE DEVIL
Meaning: No God and no Devil to give you your verdicts. You work
it out amongst yourselves.
GOD
Celeste ceases to believe in heaven or hell or any higher power.
THE DEVIL
And you’re left to pick up the mess. And if today’s hijinks are
any indication, that won’t go well.
EVE
(to MARY)
Quit with me.
MARY
I can’t do that. Without God, what does Celeste have to live
for?
EVE
I don’t know. She’ll find something. Morals. Thoughts. Us,
maybe. Something better than these guys.
GOD
Without us, she won’t know what’s right and wrong. You two can’t
decide that alone.
THE DEVIL
10
You couldn’t handle it.
EVE
For Celeste, we have to try. Of course it won’t be easy. But at
least we can feel like more than a high-heeled fantasy. We can
take control.
THE DEVIL
I would love to see you try.
MARY
Then watch.
EVE
I quit.
(THE DEVIL vanishes with a pop in a cloud of smoke)
GOD
(to MARY)
Come on, sweetie. You’re better than her. Smarter. The heels,
they look good on you.
ANGEL
Oh, I like the heels. Those I’ll be keeping. But not for you.
For me. I quit.
(GOD vanishes with a pop in a cloud of smoke)
(a beat. The women look at each other, exhausted,
exhilarated.)
Holy shit. That felt good.
EVE
Hell yeah it did.
ANGEL
What now?
EVE
I’ll tell you what. I’m taking off these damn shoes.
(EVE kicks off her shoes and lounges next to
CELESTE. MARY sits on the armrest on the other side
of the couch. They smile at each other over CELESTE,
who is still sleeping peacefully. Blackout.)
11
(END OF PLAY)